You're listening to the loving Bd podcast. Kayla the lords here with the 1. The only the guy who confused me with your new hand signals. I didn't know when I was supposed to talk, John Browns stone. You're welcome. Did you do it on purpose? Or did you, like, lose yourself in the mail? Lost myself in the middle of. You're, like, what are numbers? What is waiting? Right. I don't know how this works anymore? I I lost my account. I lost, you know, my my place I... Everything. Just up the window.
Well, what I did. Was decide to just trust that you would give me a very obvious signal, and then I could begin, and it seems to have worked. Zach. Yeah. There we go. Alright. That's not what we're talking about this week. No. This week, we're answering a question from a submissive who's had their consent violated, their powered. Exchange agreement violated, and no longer trusts or feel safe with their dumb, and they wanna know how to overcome that lack
of trust. Exchange and repair the relationship. Won't be a good 10A short might be already. It might me all 1 word. Welcome to the Loving Videos and podcast. If you're new here, we help Kinks like you have happy healthy power exchange relationships. Not the podcast your favorite podcast app, so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future 1 of these. You can use our contact page,
literally labeled ask your questions. On our website at loving bd m dot net that's loving bd m dot net, or find the link in the show notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question. It is a long 1. Mh, and it's it's worth knowing the whole backstory. Here. Here We. My Dom and I are going to try to have a 24 7 agreement again after a tough 24 months. Here I, the sub little girl was new to Bd m 2 years ago and came into contact with my daddy dump via the
Internet. At the time, he was in a tri with 2 sub. I knowing entered conversations to be a play partner in some scenes. Within 3 months, their 2 plus year tri had dissolved in what appeared to be a non ami way. I then dated the dom with consensual play albeit to later learn that he was not honest about his sexual partners
and activities at the time. This put my health at risk without me knowing this information as I was unaware and therefore not using the correct protection, after a further 3 months, we decided together to become boyfriend girlfriend and to drop a Ds agreement. Because I was new, I received help with this agreement from a long time person involved in writing boundaries and agreements. My dom I spoke about this and share a document which we both agreed.
The agreements were not extensively limiting according to the person who was helping me. I really believe in authenticity, but also believe in honesty, with the person you are with is not to hurt them unnecessarily with lying and deception. Fast forward to 18 months later, and to summarize to avoid a long question, my dom broke the 3 key areas of the agreements, including meeting a woman alone in a hotel room and playing with her within 2 weeks of our agreement.
Subsequently, my dawn broke 2 other... Minutes. I did not find out about the initial agreement violation until 18 months after it took place. After 2 years, he began to take accountability for the actions, minutes and provided me a space to experience the grief associated with this.
He subsequently dumped me via text with no contact after 2 months of finally giving me that's space because he sounded exhausting to be with me, and then within 3 days, took on a new submissive, slept with her and took her out for scenes. Since starting our relationship, I moved more than 50 percent of my life to his city and took a full time job in the
city. Do still travel back and forth to my original home, but I have additional personal and family commitments that prevent me from being 100 percent in the same city as him. I do, however, spend all available time in his city to live the 24 7 dynamic. I fell for him and he had indicated he loved me too. He seemed to change after disclosing the deception, but I was not able to handle it very well despite a lot of counseling and even medication.
Now that I'm on the other end of it, I did reach out to him again because we both have changed through this process. He seems to have truly learned why the 4 pillars of Bd. Them are imperative. He feels remorse for his actions and he has made some major changes. I want to be with him and for things to be back to what it was like, essentially before I knew about the agreement and consent violations. My overall question is how to get back to that again. I know it's trust building,
and I know that foundation relationship stuff. However, we are very out of the groove. He has t nation to mess up as a dom and I have t nation, that you will break our group's again, and or dump me when things are tough. I still have feelings about being replaced so quickly. I also have some major body issues. And as a result of the 2 years too long to go over here, and that is making our scenes hard. I feel so ugly inside and out and that I will
never be enough for him. I find myself unable to fully give my heart and my mind to him. I'm struggling with believing in him again. He used to be so big to me and like he could do know wrong. I understand that part of that is my inexperienced, but even in my vanilla relationships, I believe in sharing your innermost part with your partner. Do you think that some things are just too hard to come back from Bd?
I would like any advice you can give, including steps slash actions with I can take as a sub to help make this better. Before I saw your face as I was reading before we get it and I'm gonna definitely let you have your say, I am so tired of the wrong partner coming in with the question going, How do I make this guys fuck up better. Exactly. Go ahead So we you you you know what? You... There... There's nothing you can do. There... There's nothing you can do.
I'm gonna say it 1 more time. There's nothing you can do. It's on him. Completely 1... Slightly, 100 percent on him. To prove his trust. Okay? Nothing that you can do or say or make this any better. It's all on him. Total honesty after hearing this, and and and Kayla read me a little bit of this, the other day, But, yeah. As she said part of my face because she did not read me the whole thing. I believe something for camera right podcast. So what... What's the thing the the the the
the long and short of it? Yeah. Yeah Okay. Sure. Okay. The long... The short of it is is there's nothing you can do. The onus is completely and totally on him to prove himself. The other thing I would say after hearing all the things that this person did after 2 years in in a 2 year process. Run. Go run. Do not walk. Mh. K. Not a good not Not good. Not good at all No. And I agree completely with what you're you're saying. When it comes to trust has been broken by a part. Partner,
and we're trying to salvage things. The person who has to do the work as the person who broke the trust. Right. They have to prove to you over partner however long it takes you that they are trustworthy again. That being said, why? That's the question I have for this in anybody, finds himself in a situation like this. Why do you want this ragged person back so bad. Mh. Okay Nothing you've described in the bad action some like a responsible ethical caring
relatively healthy dom. And quite frankly, the fact that you went 18 months months before finding something out over the course of 2 years. And then a little bit later after things said, you know, you'd found out, and then there's the will I got broken up with over text because I was exhausting this person has done almost everything in whatever sick twisted book they got out there, like, down the checklist of how can I make my partner feel small
and worthless? Yeah. And I want for you and for everybody out there to be with a partner who fucking Deserves you. Yeah. Okay? The keywords words here. There are so many things, but the key ones of I wanna know why you went back is I still have feelings about being replaced so quickly. I have major body issues and I feel ugly ins... As a result of the
2 years. Right. That yeah. Some of that, yeah, having our our body issues and how we feel about ourselves is is on us, but also, you feel this way because this person made you feel this way. Right. They did this things that, like, ate away at your self esteem and your sense of self worth. They don't deserve you. I don't care how they say they have learned. I don't care how they say they are better and they're gut They better be trap anxious about this. Right.
Because they've already proven the they know how to fuck up left right and setting. Mh. And and you you you have every right to be trip issues about it too. I've absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, I'm hot and sweaty. And here's the thing. I usually when we get something, maybe not quite like this, but we get somebody who's like, hey, we've had it rough for trying to work it out. I'm gonna come and go okay. You know, talk about these things. You're gonna have the hard conversation. You know,
start small. No. No. You know thing is on him and he doesn't deserve the chance. The only the only only thing, I would say. Maybe. Maybe. Couples counseling. Maybe. Maybe. And still, it is very easy for this especially these days when when therapy speak, and the language of therapy and the the ideas of therapy are much more accessible to people think, to social media. Is very easy for a manipulative person to use the language of therapy to say the right things.
The and, I mean, I know I got trust issues, but this is not a person who would get my trust. I might personally forgive later. I might... Certainly would hope I moved on. I might 1 day in the future, be able to be in the same room with that person, but What have they done to prove that they deserve something as important and meaningful and vulnerable and intimate as your submission? Yeah. Your submission is worth more
than that. Right every time. 1 1 of 1 of the 1 of the keys that you you need to to think about here. Is is in what you wrote us. I find myself unable to fully give my heart and my mind. If if you are feeling that you cannot give that to this person. There's a reason for it inside that you sub comp maybe subconsciously know Okay. What is really going on here? Let's give it to you another way if you're still like, I wish they just stop yelling at me and answer Mike 1 western. Okay. If you're
friend, if fuck an acquaintance. If a person you barely like told you every you just listed out here. Went through everything that you know that you went through that you didn't even put here? What would you tell somebody who's not you to do. Thing I'm willing to bet. Most most of us, we will go through a bit of personal hell for ourselves, but for... Our best for somebody we care about for just another human
being, we wouldn't wanna see miserable anywhere. We would tell them what the fuck are you doing. Yeah. Move on. Go. And what I I don't wanna say move on cheaply. There is a grieving process. There is a coming to terms with and dealing with the damage done. Let's the way your trust was violated, The the things you've had to go through with, you know, what was it up here the being sexual with another partner without protection and not telling you that alone. That's, like... Yeah.
I know it took... A while to find out, but that's another thing. That tells me however you found out, and I don't care if it came from that person himself, a he was perfectly willing to let you go all that time without knowing. Mh. I mean, you are worth more than what this person has given you over the past 2 or 3 years. I don't care how much he. Learned and is ready to redeem himself. He gets to go redeem himself with somebody else. He gets to go prove. He can do
it better with somebody else. He's you deserve more. Mh. Everybody in the situation like this where, you know, for all the mistakes, we will all make as individuals within a relationship of things we should've have said. The way we could have done it better. Maybe the things we did when we were angry and hurt that
weren't our best selves. Yeah. Yeah Yeah. All of these things, all the lies, all the trust violations, all just telling you a ghost you breaking up with over text telling you that you were exhausting, know what you were doing is he was feeling guilty and he was tired of to feeling guilty. Please So what happens in 6 months when you're still grappling with all of this on your own, Okay? And he feels guilty I get He's already got a track record. Mh. Mh.
Forgiveness this is fine if you want to give it if that feels right for you. Yeah Every everybody makes mistakes. But you don't have to forgive the person and still look them in the eye every day and wonder what they really think of you and what they're doing is they're not telling you. Right. You deserve more you deserve better. I... You know, like I just said, everybody makes mistakes. Nobody's immune
from it. I make mistakes. Sure. Okay. But what III do my best not to do is to do things repeatedly over and over and over again. Right. And III get it. You've you moved half your life to to me with him to have this power exchange in this life that you wanted. And that's a a huge commitment. There's a lot of, time and effort and money that go into that. And it is very easy to go. I've already put in all this effort so it's then air quote wasted. If I don't see it through. Know the fuck It's not.
Nothing has been wasted. Okay? It happened. You did it. Maybe you found some good in that town in that area where you've moved part of your life, Maybe there's a thriving community you like to be with. So you don't have to give up everything, but it's not a waste to go. I'm cutting my losses now, and I'm gonna go do something else. Right. Either by yourself or maybe if you fill up for it, maybe, seeking out a play partner, or another part... Something. Mh. But
this... And see... Here's the thing. The telling thing to me is after all of this. Everything you went through, including the stuff you did not include you're the 1 going? What do I do make it better? I wanna know where his email is going? What the hell do I do to make it better? What can I do to to fix this? Yeah. Because here you are still trying to fix this for him. Mh. Okay? This air quote dom and at this point until he, like, gets his shit together and connect. Actually go be a
decent dom to somebody. In my eyes, he's 1 of those air quit ones. He's not. It's not that he's not real. City shitty. He's the kind of dom that's in it for what he could get and what he wants and he's not worried about what you want. Because if he was worried about what you want, you wouldn't be questioning what you're supposed to be doing. He would be bending over fucking backwards words. Yeah. And even then I would tell you, does he really deserve it? I don't think so.
No I'm that's not a an answer we usually give we. Do not usually tell somebody to get the hell out of there, but this is 1 of those times. You haven't listed a single redeeming thing about this person. So he Why aren't you worth as much as you would want for your friends. Mh, family members for Orlando, you met on the street. Yeah. You would want better for them than you have received, you are worth that. Mh. Do not do not do not forget your worth. No. Okay. Now, this person, not the
only fucking dumb. The way you felt and hell the way you feel now. It's real. It's valid. Mh. But he is not the only 1 who could ever make you feel the way you wanna feel. Yeah. He... He's not the end all be all. Clearly, he's, you know, out there just shopping around for however many subs he can get at a time. He's not worried about you being his end all be all. And and Lola agrees. You hear her over there, Keith and rolling around. Right. You had to do that because I was
about to blow my. Top and steam about to come out of my ear. I know. So I'm hot and sweaty now. All to tell you, this person doesn't fucking deserve you. It is not your job to fix a damn thing. Yep if you're willing to keep moving forward, and that is your right, You're... Choice your decision. He has to do the work. Yes. And he has to bend over backwards to make
this work for you. And he has to do whatever is nest Siri, to help you get the worst part of that out of your head into to believe him when he says something, but I don't think he's worth it. No. And you can do... I promise you you can do better, and you deserve more than you're getting. Yeah. Mh. Thanks for listening to this week's q a episode. If you want us to answer 1 of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at loving bd m dot net, or you can find the link in
the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on page patreon, we're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help Kinks stores do to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a discord surf with a g super cool super nice kings. You can do that. Just join us at patreon dot com slash k lords. That's patreon dot com slash kayla or use the link in the show.