You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the, I only believe your serious look, when I've done something to warrant it. John Brownstone. I'm not. Your playful, serious look make makes me giggle. I'm sorry. You're like the dom look, registered trademark? Yeah. Yeah. No. No. That that makes me a little nervous in in the way I like. But your silly one just makes me me laugh. I try. Maybe that's what I was
going for too. You know? Hey. I'm I'm here for laughing and being made to laugh. Right. That's not what we're talking about. Although, the need to laugh and wanting to laugh is somewhere in the realm of this topic, I guess, sorta, kinda squint your eyes. What we are talking about is this week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who's not sure how to talk about their mental health with a potential partner or if they're even ready to meet someone yet. Welcome to the
Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, help kinksters like you have. Happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you would like us to answer one of your questions, use the link in the show notes or on our website, lovingbdsm.net. It's literally labeled ask your questions. So in the show notes or at our website, lovingbdsm.net.
Okay. Let's get into the question. K. My question is, as someone wanting to start a dynamic or before I even attempt to get to know a dom, how do I navigate talking about my mental health and the place that I'm in? Or better yet, how do I know I'm in a good place to even try? Long story short, I'm recovering from a burnout period. I got diagnosed with depression and I've been receiving counseling and among other things. I have family problems, but who doesn't?
And I guess I'm worried that I might cause harm to a potential play partner or person I'm in a dynamic with if I'm not okay. I realize that the term okay is relative and not a set idea or thought, but I also know that I don't want to ever utilize a dom as a tool. They're people too, and I don't ever want to intentionally or
unintentionally cause a person harm. So overall, I'm asking, if I'm still healing, what's the best way to go about meeting a dom, building a dynamic with them, or should I hold off for now? Also, how much do I have to let them know at the start because I don't want a trauma dump on them either? Mhmm. So that's quite a bit in a little bit. Mhmm. So, I think the best way to go about it if you're going, you know, to do this, start slow. Start with friendship. Yeah. Start start with friendship.
You know, I think try not to go into it as a looking at it as a potential thing. Like, you mean a dynamic? Like I mean, dynamic or relationship, you know. Yeah. You know, start off as friendship. And, you know, as for when to tell them, I think that's I don't think there's, like, any set time. You know, but I I think it's one of those things that you don't wanna do it too soon. Right. And you don't wanna wait too long either. And finding that middle ground is is can be tough.
But I think you have to base it on, 1, your feelings about it from meeting this person and and, you know, talking to them. And also how you, you know, not okay. I know what I'm trying to go for here, but I'm not finding the right word. You know, I I think you can kind of feel feel out, a little bit how the person may react, you know, after a few times getting to know them, you know, and and and then talk about it. Mhmm. So I think I think many things.
This this set of questions got the gears grinding in my brain. So first of all, you don't need to tell a potential dom or play partner anything when you first meet them. That first conversation online, that first time at the lunch together, that first time on a date, like, how however you do this, is about getting to know you on a basic level, sort of a do is the vibe right? Do we even wanna be
around one another? And so there's no need to tell them anything about your mental health or what you've been through or the stuff you're going through right away. If it makes sense for the situation you're in to mention something, feel free if you feel comfortable, but there's no need to. Also, play partner or dom, whoever you're getting to know, like like we said earlier, start off with the idea that you're going to start with friendship.
Part of it is because that takes the pressure off of everybody of what you ultimately wanna accomplish. And, also, it gives you the time to figure out if you even like this person yet and if you even wanna be around them and do the hard work of developing the trust to engage with them in that way. Right? Whether it's for a scene or it's for a power exchange dynamic. So there's that. How do you know when you're ready to meet somebody? Only you can answer Yeah.
My basis of how do I know I'm ready to do a hard thing when I can't stop thinking about it, when I'm imagining doing it, when I can kind of go, I think it would go like this or I think I would do that. Even if that's not at all what happens in reality, but my mind is coming up with the different scenarios because I can't stop thinking about it. That tends to be when you're probably the readiest you might ever be. Just because you're ready to meet somebody does
not mean you will meet anybody. You may spend a lot of time online or go to a lot of workshops or go to a lot of munches. However you're hoping to meet people, you might do that multiple times and not meet anybody beyond I'm willing to have a conversation with them. Or I like them as a person, but we do not align in kink. Like, submissives making friends with other submissives who do not talk people. Right? Like, those kinds of things.
So I I would not put so much pressure on yourself or and set the expectation that you're immediately going to meet somebody because you're now trying to meet somebody. Mhmm. Because the reality is for most people, most of the time, it's a much slower process. Now I I I had one other thought in in this. You may feel right now that you may not be ready for a relationship, and that's, you know, on you know, that that is to be
determined by you and only you. But if at this point you you you want to continue your path to healing and, you know, you you don't feel you're ready for a relationship, maybe find a play partner. Right. You know, now you you don't say if, you know, if you're into, you know, impact or what, you know, but maybe find a play partner. That way you get your, you know, some of your kink needs met, but you're not pressured by the thing to
find a relationship. Right. Right. Right. And I think they mentioned at the top of their question that maybe a play partner. And again, I agree with you. It that depends on how you feel and what you feel ready for. Yeah. Your play partner is you know, has their own human basic needs just like a potential power exchange partner will. But some of the pressure is off because you're mostly just trying to sure your kinks align and you both wanna play with one other and then to negotiate that.
In terms of how much to tell them when to avoid the trauma dump or anything like that, my personal philosophy is they don't need to know anything until it impacts them directly. And what I mean by that is if you talk to them for long enough that you, begin to feel comfortable with them or you develop routines that involve talking to them, and your mental health will impact the routine, will impact the communication. You maybe give them that little bit of information. You
don't have to tell them everything. Just say, hey. I got this thing. It kinda, you know, makes it hard to communicate or it makes it hard to do this or whatever. Just so you know, that's what's happening. I have not ghosted you. I'm not running. This is happening. Yeah. Then if they're a safe person and they prove themselves to be trustworthy and and to deserve to know more because things are progressing. When you start talking about maybe you're gonna scene. Maybe you are gonna do a a
dynamic. Maybe you're just gonna go to the next level of whatever that means. If you're not fully yet comfortable telling them anything and everything, or you're just worried about overwhelming, then you're gonna talk about the things they need to know in order to mitigate risk with you in the dynamic or the scene. Right? If you know something is a trigger, you have to tell them it is a
trigger. You do not have to tell them what caused the trigger until you want to tell them that, if you ever want to tell them that. But you have to let them know there's a trigger. Right? So the until the trust develops to the point where you're both sharing intimate things and you can be vulnerable with one another and it is safe for you to be vulnerable with them because they have proven that they are trustworthy, and that can take a long time. Yeah. And it's okay if it takes a long
time. They don't know need to know anything more than what it takes to mitigate their own risk and make consensual decisions on their own. That's it. Some people you're gonna come across would not deserve to know your truth. They're not the right peep person for you. They're not gonna be a person that you should be vulnerable
with. So before you worry about what you're gonna tell somebody about what's going on with you, what you're dealing with, you know, the things that might come up, the things that definitely will come up. Right? Those kinds of things. Make sure it's a person that might even be worthy of consideration to know that stuff. If you have the typical experience, you're probably gonna talk to a whole hell of a lot of people before you find somebody you wanna talk to for more than
5 minutes. Or you're gonna casually talk to people, a lot of people, before you find somebody that connects with you the way you're kinda connecting with them. Right? So, you know, the first step is to decide for yourself if you're ready to even pursue that. But try to relieve some of that pressure you might be putting on yourself and go, I'm just here to see who I vibe
with. I'm just here to make friends. Because our personal philosophy is if you wouldn't wanna hang out with them as a human being on a in a friendly way, why are you getting into a dynamic with them? Or letting them do kinky things to you or doing kinky things with them. If you do not genuinely like them as another person, what are we doing here? So that can take some of the pressure off. It can make it so you might feel a little
impatient, and I get that. But to me, if you're feeling impatient for this, that is a sign you're ready. You're ready. Mhmm. Doesn't mean just because you're ready that you go from 0 to 60. Right? The the first dom who says the right thing, no. Watch out for sub frenzy. Watch out for people who present themselves one way, but their actions do not back that up, those kinds of things.
And then once you've decided this is a person I like well enough that I would be their friend and then maybe do more with them, then you start deciding what do they need to know. Sometimes you'll develop the intimate intimacy with somebody long before you develop the power exchange, and you do talk about these things. And then they know it. Case in point, us. JB met me through my sex blog that I was, like, obsessively writing in. And so he knew parts of me that
I didn't even have to tell him. I was like and this is how I met people, just in general friends. I was like, you wanna know about me? You're gonna need to go read my blog. But we were talking to one another about kink and power exchange without negotiating anything
long before we negotiated something. Right. And we developed the friendship and the intimacy with one another so that we talked about the things we were going through, the things that upset us, the things that bothered us, the, you know, the stuff we had been put through, right, previous before meeting one another. And then, eventually, we negotiated the dynamic. And even then, we still, over years, learned new things about one another.
I I can understand the thought process or the desire or the concern to let me put everything up front for somebody so they know what they're getting into. I get that that train of thought. That it makes sense on the surface, but you don't know if this person is worthy of your story. Right. So give them the chance to prove that much and then take it slowly, like you said in the beginning. Tell them what they need to know at the time they need to know it
for informed consent. There you go. And if they're the right person to know your who you are on that deeper level, it'll become more obvious and you'll be able you'll tell them what what you wanna tell them. Right. Mhmm. K. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.