You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the very sadistic and bratty, and my daddy, John Brownstone. And happy to be so. Which one? I'll I'll turn. All the above. Okay. Okay. Just checking. Just checking. So this week, we're answering a question from a submissive who negotiated a service for their partner because they seem to have more, air quote, willpower, but their partner doesn't appreciate the service that they've requested.
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Okay. Let's get into it. Alright. My partner and I negotiated that I need to be the voice of reason and say no when he wants to make a financially or dietary bad choice. I'm not a dom, but as a submissive, I always want to support him. Yet when I do, he sulks around and acts upset with me. As a submissive, it makes me feel like shit when he's moody like that and I'm the cause. But as his partner, I also feel frustrated with him because he does need help with money and healthy choices.
He brought up in negotiations that I have more willpower and will need to be the one to say no when he wants to do something he shouldn't. All this came from him and I'm happy to do it, but his reactions are making me feel like the mom of an angsty teenager instead of a partner. I'm feeling very frustrated and would like advice on how to talk to him about this issue. He doesn't take criticism well. And as his partner, I want to support him in making better life choices, but don't know how to
do so without continuing in this loop. Can I can I say the thing I told you before we started recording? Go. You you know, you you had some No. I will get to there. I just need to say, this question makes me very ranty because it And And if anybody heard it and you've had your own strong feelings, not alone. We're together on this. I got feelings. That being said, what are
your thoughts and feelings on this one? You know, as you're reading this, you know, there there are so many things that are just, like, popping out popping out. Mhmm. And I I don't know why, but towards the end of the question, I I kinda got caught on on the part of the, you know, that the partner does not take criticism well. I know. I know. Okay. And and you know, when it comes to criticism, I don't like it either. I don't think anybody does. I don't think anybody does. Okay?
But you know what? If I if I need to be told that I am not in the right and I need to be doing something other, then I need to be told. Mhmm. Okay? And and, you know, there there there's bad criticism and then there's good criticism, constructive criticism. You know, that the constructive criticism is really the the best way to approach this rather than any other way, but when someone is not willing to accept things like that, can't tell me they're not ready to grow. Yes.
Yes. They're they're not ready to grow. They're not open to to learning new experiences, new things. Mhmm. In in this lifestyle, in in any, you know, whether it's kink or non kink, you know, you you you should be able to have be able to do that. Yes. And I think there's a way to give criticism, because some people are going to be sensitive to perceived criticism. Mhmm. Rejection sensitive dysphoria is a thing, and it can be powerful.
But we do have to all sort of come to a point where we can listen to honest feedback from a partner. Yeah. You know, and I I I hate to say it, and I hate to put it this way, but this is what came to mind. You know, when they when they talk about how, you know, when they do what they're supposed to, and, you know, there are a lot of submissives that are asked to do things like this acts of service, you know, for the
dom. Mhmm. You know, but when they call their partner, their dom out, howdy, and and and all this, sounds to me a little more like a man child. Okay? I mean Sometimes. Yes. Yes. Alright. Sometimes. You know. But, you know, wow, there there there's a lot that's Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. The intriguing thing to me is this missive who has sent this in does not identify their partner as the dominant in the relationship. So I wonder about how their power exchange is structured.
True. Because the the the thing that comes to my mind is if this partner is proclaiming themselves a dominant, I am less than impressed with their dominance. Not because you're supposed to be good at it the moment you tried and not because dominance don't have their own things that they need to, like, reckon with as part of their own personal growth. Of
course. Of course. Of course. But nothing in the telling of this, which of course is just from one perspective, but nothing in the telling of this points to the partner who is not the submissive. Right? Mhmm. Taking responsibility for anything that there's that is of theirs to take responsibility for. They have put it all on the submissive partner. That's true. And then is upset when the submissive partner does explicitly what they
asked for. I know. I know. And, you know, I have been on both sides of that before. In my previous marriage, which was quite vanilla, that partner and I went back and forth trying to do that. And so the feelings of resentment that the submissive is saying that, you know, their partner is is expressing, I recognize that from my own experience of feeling it, and I recognize it from seeing it and and having it happen to me outside of a power dynamic.
The thing I learned about myself was that I I was making my partner the scapegoat. I wasn't ready to do a thing, to take responsibility for a thing, to make a change that I said that I wanted, and I didn't want to have to go through the hard part of, you know, changing Doing it. Patterns and behaviors and, you know, going through that, like, feeling of deprivation that is temporary when you can't have the thing you want
the moment you want it. Right? And so instead of owning that, I put all the blame and the onus on my partner. Because either they were telling me no when I didn't wanna hear it, and so I was upset with them for that. Or I was letting them tell me no, doing what they said, and then I was resentful because I wasn't having what I wanted, and I put the blame on them. Yeah. I think based on the way this has been described, this is the thing I would un negotiate. I would negotiate out of it for now.
Mhmm. That's the first thing. That's to me, that's the conversation that You know, you you said earlier, and and I I think, you know, after hearing the whole that the whole question, what's happening, you know, I I don't think this person is ready to make these changes. Because if they were, they would they maybe negotiate help and assistance as a service, but they would take as much ownership as they are capable of Right.
To make the changes. Yes. And then when they are upset for not being able to do the thing that they used to do and the the uncomfortable feelings that that brings up. Yes. It is possible for a a mostly decent partner to lash out. We are all capable of that. But they would not need to have it explained gently to them that you know what I mean? Like, it's just there's a vibe in this question that I'm just very unimpressed. Yeah.
Very unimpressed. Yeah. I mean, I I I will give given this, you know, the the person they do seem to be self aware that they, you know, have some issues when it comes to money, when it, you know, when it comes to some of the That's the thing I wish I knew more of. Do aren't they self aware? Mhmm. Or or have these been mutual conversations where this partner has gone, you know, here are some things I'm noticing or, hey. You've had that health scare, and here's a thing. Yeah.
Or, hey. We're broke. We cannot spend this money. And you know what I mean? Like, I would be very curious as to where the conversation is coming from. Mhmm. But I I agree. I have brought up these things that I might want to change or do differently. Mhmm. And you have that intellectual logical side of you that's going, I know I ought to do this because if I make these changes, this could be better. Right. And then there's that emotional part of, but I don't wanna, and I'm not ready. Yeah.
And so I'll give benefit of the doubt. Maybe the the non submissive is, like, no, no, no. I know I need to make these changes, but this is really hard. Yeah. I mean, you know, I'm I'm a little frustrated with myself, and and I think most people can can say this because, yes, change is hard. There are changes that I want to make. Mhmm. You know? And and I know what they are. Yep. Okay. I have everything put
in place. Same. Same. Same. Okay. To to do the changes, but it's been like slogging through mud Mhmm. To, you know, to take those first steps to actually do it and implement it. And I would not come to you and say, I need you to hold me accountable for this. Yeah. That's I think that's the part that bothers me the most from a submissive
perspective. Mhmm. Because if you did, my first question, knowing what I know now, is but how do what are the consequences from you if you don't do the thing you're telling me you want me to make sure you do? Like, what do I, what leg do I have to stand on if I do explicitly the thing you told me to do? Tell you no, say that's a bad idea, whatever, and you get upset and you don't do it, what does it even mean? It means nothing essentially. Yeah. It means nothing other than
you know? And I'll say this because I imagine this would be the way with you. If the partner is, like, is a dominant, that's what they're trying to be in this power exchange. If it was you and I, as your submissive, was telling you no, even though you said you wanted me to, I hadn't met a dominant yet who, outside of consenting stuff, can handle being told no real damn well. Okay? We're not talking
about consent issues and scenes and negotiating. No. But, like, to tell my daddy dom he can't have the thing he wants to have even though it's an ice cream cone and his mouth is all geared up for ice cream, I'm the bad guy. He would not handle it well. No. And that you know? No. If your partner was making the changes with your help in this way, I'd say, hey, it's working for you, keep doing it. It
doesn't sound like it's working. And and I mean, you know, and that's the thing because, obviously, you know, as as much as I have put these things in place to to facilitate the changes I want to make in this particular aspect. Apparently, I am not ready Right. To do it. And that's the thing, I think that this partner is not ready. Right. So, you know, knowing that fact, it would totally be unfair of me to go to you or anybody
and say, I need I need accountability. I need you to do this for me because I can't do it for myself. And, you know And here's the thing. I understand the logic of submissives who are going, but wait, I do that with my dominant partner. I say I can't I can't do this without help, and and they are willing to help me. 2 things. 1, you are in a position where you can, within negotiated and consented to means, handle a partner and want a partner to tell you no. That's part of who you
are and what you want. 2, there are probably consequences. You can get mad all you want. You can get resentful. You can get pouty. You can get whatever. Yeah. But you know what based on whatever you negotiated, that there would be consequences. From the other side of the slash, that's it's not impossible to negotiate. That's entirely possible to negotiate. Wait. I'm gonna do this thing you asked me to do, but when you get pissy about it, what's what does this mean? Right? Yeah.
But that's a lot more complicated, and that's got to come from a person who can handle criticism, who can hear things they don't wanna hear. And regardless of the reasons why this person cannot handle that, that means it's not a good mix where for where they're at right now to put this onus on their submissive partner. That's true. Now here's the thing. You asked for, how do I talk to to my partner? Okay. Here's the thing.
I would go into it not expecting your partner to just see the light because you're gonna tell him something. Okay? The other thing I would say is focus on how you feel and what the things that are happening are doing to you. Partly because on on if on any chance rejection sensitive dysphoria or anything like that impacts his ability to handle critique. It is sometimes easier to take in, I feel this way. I want to do this. I don't wanna do this. Instead of going, you. You make
me feel this way. They don't make you feel any way. You feel your feelings. You did this. If a person can't handle criticism, they really can't handle the you statements and those aren't usually helpful. It's then when you get into this sort of pissing contest of no I didn't, yes you did, mm-mm. Keep it personal and I statements. I have experienced this. I feel this way. I don't like this. I, you know, I don't feel like your partner. I feel like
your mom. Right? Like, those kinds of statements go in with that now. If your partner is willing to hear you and have a good constructive conversation, and y'all can find modifications to this agreement that work for you both, great. That's wonderful. If, however, they either can't can't even validate your own fields. Validation does not mean agreement. It just means I see you. I hear you. Your experience is true to you even if I don't like it. Even if
I, you know, think you're wrong. If they can't validate your feelings, and they can't handle hearing that their actions have brought up these feelings in you. Right? Then the thing to do is to to negotiate. That's not a thing I'm doing for you anymore. It's to withdraw consent on that service. Because that service isn't really a service. It's a responsibility being pushed back on you by a person who is not yet ready to take the responsibility themselves, and it is going to harm your
relationship. It's going to you're already feeling resentment. You don't feel like a partner. You feel like somebody's mom. Like, that's Yeah. That That's That that's these volumes. That that's these volumes right there. Yeah. Yeah. So I that's that's how I would approach the conversation. Be prepared to to shut it off. Focus on how you feel and what you're seeing and what you're experiencing.
We know that you're only feeling and experiencing it because of the actions that your partner's, you know, exhibiting, plus whatever stuff you've gone through in your whole life that contributes to your feelings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But don't in order to hopefully get him to hear you, keep it to I, me. This is what it's doing to me. This is how I feel. This is what I'm experiencing. Focus on that and then gauge. Can you
handle this? Can you validate? Can we have a maybe not a one and done in one conversation, but over time, can we have productive conversations about this? Can we find a new middle ground? Can your partner accept responsibility for the part that they're playing and all this or the part that they're not? You know? I gut feeling is they're not ready to make these changes, and they don't want the responsibility
for them. And being a human requires responsibility, but responsibility is the name of the fucking game in dominance. Yeah. And a dominant who cannot accept responsibility for themselves is not going to do a very good job as a dominant in general. Because how do you accept responsibility for another human being if you cannot handle the responsibility of yourself. That doesn't mean you're gonna be perfect at it. It doesn't mean you're not
having your issues. It doesn't mean maybe you don't need some therapy and some, like, relearning how to move through the world. But the core of it is a sense of responsibility. And on these issues, as of right this second, it does not sound like your partner is ready to take on the responsibility No. At all. And now I'm very hot and sweaty and probably very flushed. That was a, a lot to go. Yep. It was. It was. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
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