You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only but you look really good in red, John Brownstone. Sorry y'all can't see it, but he does. He's wearing a red shirt. He looks really good. I'm just saying it's a good color on you. And, Tiana, I never thought it was a A red kinda guy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, on some ways, no. We're not red kind of people. But Yeah. But, yeah, that's right. Let's go with it. Okay. What is that? That's not what we're here
to talk about. No. Well, the what are words? You flustered me. You and your shirt flustered me. This week, we're answering a question from a Switch who's done Impact Play as a top, but they can't seem to stop apologizing during the scene. It's a simple question. Just wait. Jamie just gave me the most confused, like, as a as a a a top. He's over there going, what? What are you apologizing for? We'll get into it. Welcome to the Loving
BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question that you have in a future one of these, you can send that question to us, through our contact page. It's literally titled Ask Your Questions. It should be in the show notes for this episode because I always put it there. But apparently, some podcast app don't show show
notes. What even is the point? But also, you can find that link on our web website at lovingBDSM.net. Okay. Let's get into the question. It's short, sweet, and straight to the point. Okay. I've recently discovered my switch side and impact topped for the first time and a kink of it recently. Do you have any tips for not apologizing so much when impact play topping? I know my bottom enjoys impact play, as do I, both giving and receiving.
When topping though, I can't stop apologizing if I see them wince or make intensely hear them make intensely pained noises even though they ask for more. Anyhoo. You know, that that's kind of a a a thing I and I went through a little bit of that in the beginning.
And I I think it comes down to the fact that you you kind of have to change your mindset a little bit because when when you're when you're topping and and you're giving the bottom that pleasure that they want, which is what you have to think of it, to to a masochist that pain equates pleasure. Mhmm. Alright? So you have to change your mindset, you know, the fact that you you wince and you know, you you apologize makes me think that, you know, you might
have a mindset that you're hurting somebody. Hurting in the bad way. In the bad way, yeah. And, you know, that's not what's happening at all, you know, when it's done right. Okay. It's hurting, but it's hurting in the good way. Right. Right. So, you know, you kinda have to work at flipping that mindset, and it's not gonna be something that, you know, flip a switch and boom, you're, you know, you're on the road. It it's going to
take some some mindfulness. It it's going to take some, deliberate, oh, I can't think of the word. You you, you know, you you have to be very thoughtful about it, you know, when you when you do this. Mhmm. So I was the thing that comes to mind from your perspective,
based on my experience with you Mhmm. Is would my thought would be, would you recommend when you feel the when a person feels the the, like, instinct to to apologize and go, oh, I'm so sorry, Would it maybe be better for them to learn to just do a check-in? Because if part of it is the, oh, I've gone too far. Uh-oh. It's I did the bad pain. Uh-oh. You know? Yes. They're telling me, but I don't really know. Could there be, like, whether it depends on how y'all play. If it's sexual, then do
a sexual kinda check-in. But if it's not, just sort of do that, like, toppy energy check-in and let them verbalize for you. Yeah. So that you can learn that at least. And you know, you you're saying that might work what might work for them in that case would be the, stoplight. Mhmm. Give me a color. Yeah. Mhmm. Yep. And the stoplight, for anybody who's new, it's based on traffic lights. So green means go, yellow tends to mean slow down, and
red just means stop. Right. And if you're ever uncertain as a top where your partner's at, just go, hey, give me a color. And if for people who have sexual romantic power exchange play, you can make that as sexy as you want. You can stay absolutely in the headspace, in the scene, in the moment. Mhmm. If you don't play like that, it can just be a straightforward, hey. Give me a color. Let me know where you're at.
But I do wonder if if the the problem for this person is they are just so unused to providing some level of pain and that intensity so that they are reacting as if they're doing something wrong, which I'm gonna get to because I have thoughts on that, then maybe and I you're right. It's gonna take some time. You're gonna have to do a a mindset shift. You have to train yourself to not flinch, but to go, hey. Give me
a color. And then eventually, with this partner and others, as you become more confident and settle into what you know works for you and and you just get more experience of this is what happens when I hit with this amount of force and then that amount of force and with this toy and that toy, and as you maybe get closer and more connected with whichever partners you have, you don't won't have to do that as much. You
know? You'll you'll have the confidence. You'll hopefully know that they're gonna speak up, and you'll you'll find your way. But I have another thought. Oh. Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's hear. I have another thought. Let's hear this other thought. This person did not ask this, but this is what came to mind. Nope. Without without a a lot of detail, I am assuming a lot. I mean, I know what happens when you're listening.
But that response of knowing that a person wants this, knowing you're doing what they're asking them to do, perceiving that you have somehow caused pain or done something wrong and then apologizing makes me think of people pleasing. And so, I am not an expert on people pleasing in the here's what you do about it. I am an expert on people pleasing as in I have been a chronic people pleaser for way too long. I am absolutely the person who gets bumped
into by somebody else but says sorry. I mean, I am absolutely the one who has to deliver less than amazing news in a professional way that was not my fault, and I want to apologize for a thing that's not even my fault. If that resonates with the person asking the question because, you know, folks who sit in their questions and listen slash watch, I I I know you can hear the sound of my voice.
If you know you're a people pleaser or if you've never really thought about it, but you can kinda resonate with the, oh, yeah. I do apologize for things that aren't my fault. That's the thing I would ask you to investigate. Now I think everything JB has said, regardless of whether you're a people pleaser or not, has merit. You literally have to train yourself to go, that's right. I'm allowed to do this to somebody. They want me to do
this. Right. I have to practice more. I have to get better at it, but they want this. Right? So, yes, that is always true. But if you are a person who does oops, sorry a lot when you weren't even in the wrong. You didn't do anything wrong. I'm going to guess there's some people pleasing there, and that's gonna be a separate thing to deal with. Can I tell you all the ways to deal with it? I'm I'm still working
through it. The thing that is kind of related, if people pleasing resonates with you, but is not a one to one perfect thing, because I'm used to it in sort of business settings, is that automatic apology. Right? And that is just like training yourself to get used to giving consensual sensation impact pain. You have to train yourself to stop that from coming out and go, I have nothing to be sorry for. I'm doing a thing that they want me to do. In this case especially,
they are consenting. You've done a check-in. They are telling you this is all good. Keep going. It's gonna be the mind shift. Now the way I have found turning down my people pleasing ways to work is if I train myself in one area of my life, the skill transfers. So if the people pleasing resonates and you find yourself I do this in email a lot. Apologies for? I am so sorry. I didn't do anything wrong.
Why am I apologizing? So what I've learned to do, write my email, because that's where I do it a lot, and then go back and edit myself and pull out all the unnecessary apologizing, unnecessary overpromising because I'm afraid somebody's gonna be mad at me. Does that resonate? Do you have some sort of, you know, sense of, oh, I've done wrong. Uh-oh, somebody's gonna be mad at me. That's a lot of where people pleasing comes from because you're trying to keep everybody happy with you.
And, yes, it absolutely can hit you in a situation where you know logically, intellectually, analytically that you're doing what somebody wants, but when you're not used to consensually
hitting somebody Mhmm. Hurting somebody potentially, and you have this automatic response when somebody around you feels discomfort, whether you're the cause of it, whether you did something wrong or right, if you have that that immediate gut instinct to try to make it better, try to soothe, take on the blame for it, that's a thing that if you can work on it in other parts of your life, I think it will probably transfer over to kink as you're also shifting your mindset to Mhmm.
This is consensual. They want this. They're giving me all the
signals. I'm checking it. Like, as you're learning to top and have the mindset of what you do as a top, if you're also undoing some of the people pleasing ways that don't actually serve us, they really don't, often what happens is I am so personally so terrified of somebody feeling an uncomfortable emotion and I don't want that pointed at me, and I don't want to, air quote, be the cause of somebody's pain, I I will take on that burden, and that's
not fair to either of us. They don't have to feel their discomfort and deal with those feelings. And I am feeling discomfort. That's not mine to feel. That's not good for anybody. No. Just in general. So if the people pleasing thing makes you go, yeah, maybe, work on that on, like, non kink parts of your life. Focus on that in in the non kink parts. Focus in the kink parts on gaining confidence and experience as a
top, and the two will combine. As you stop your people pleasing ways here and you gain confidence here, you may find that you don't even have that that instinct to apologize. I think there's also something to be said, and this I do not know for sure or remember for sure the gender of the person who asked the question, although I recognize their name. Hi. You know who you are. But if you are socialized as a woman in our culture, you already were taught not to hit anybody.
Like, you don't even have the experience of that. So that there's also that. There's also the, oh my gosh, I I'm doing a thing that I know is not supposed to, air quote, no, know is not supposed to happen. I have done a bad. I have done a wrong. I am, like, I'm going against, you know, the way I was raised, the way the adults in my life trained me to be, all of that. And that is an unlearning and a rewriting the script in your head as well, and that also just
takes time. Right. So it could it could be one simple thing, it could be all of it. Mhmm. It could be a mysterious fourth thing that we haven't thought of. True. True. But it is a time and a consciously telling yourself Yeah. As you go into the scene, while you're in the scene, in the moment when you feel the urge to respond and react, you gotta find a way to break that thought and go, nope. They want this. And if I'm uncertain, let me do a check-in. Give me a color. Mhmm.
Yeah. Yeah. I think that's about it. Mhmm. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and
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