You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only other guy who gets this sweet little smile when he hears his dog, John Brownstone. Tell me why I get a sweet smile when I hear my baby girl. Somehow I don't believe that. I I feel like those smiles are 2 different expressions. Well, you know. Just is I feel pretty certain of that. Lola's got the innocence of being a dog. True. I know how to get under your skin better than anybody on this planet. And push
buttons and Not on purpose, though. That's true. That's true. You don't. You don't do it intentionally. You're not an intentional button pusher, but you But I'm expert level. Yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. For sure. That's not what we're talking about. No. I was like, no. No. This week, we're answering a question from a submissive who wants to get back to a more primal CNC, sadomasochistic way of playing with their partner, but old memories from another relationship are holding them back.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, use the contact page on our website. It's literally labeled ask your questions. Our website's at lovingbdsm.net. Or if you have a show notes page that actually shows you links, it's there too. So lovingbdsm.net
or the show notes page. Okay. Let's get right into the question. And it is a long one, but I felt like all of it was important for context. So here we go. Alright. Let's, rock and roll. How do I rekindle the sadistic spark in my kinky nesting relationship and move past some difficult associations these kinks carry for me? Hello. I'm a 32 year old submissive masochistic woman in a lovely long term relationship with my husband and dominant. I'm poly, but not dating anyone else
right now. Our relationship has kink and d s sprinkled in among the other things we've poured into it for the last 12 years of building our life together. We're very compatible and we explored kink from when we first began dating in our twenties. Probably due to new relationship energy and how much simpler life was back then, we did a lot more robust and brutal s and m of a primal consensual nonconsent variety.
I really love this, partially because I have a very busy ADHD brain, and I find that being overpowered and overwhelmed with the right kind of sensations and words lets me be in my feelings rather than a superhighway of thoughts. I'm very pliable and servile when I'm in subspace, and lucky for me, my husband loves holding and directing that power. There have been two factors that have led to a tapering off of our more sadomasochistic play over time. The first is that life
is very full now. We have old relationship energy and more on our plates. The romance sex in DS are still there. We've speculated that because we know one another so well, it can be hard to delve into more role play style C and C or torture scenes where we're still us but there's a bit of quote acting. The familiarity of our own home might even be a factor. The second factor is a bad experience I had with a shitty sadist dom a few
years ago. He wasn't abusive during scenes. Indeed, he was very controlled and intense. He connected through sadism in a way neither of us had felt in some time. Even back then, I observed that part of what facilitated the intensity of our scenes was that we weren't embedded in one another's lives, so there was anticipation and, for me, the feeling of being out of my element when I visited his home. One day he, do newer sadist Dom, revealed
that he had lied about a lot. He dumped me almost instantly, and I never saw him again. It had been a year of dynamic, so I was very shocked and hurt. But it turns out that I'm not the only woman he's done this to. It took me a while to get over being discarded by a dom I trusted, but I've healed in most ways. However, there's a lingering association I still have between certain sadistic acts and him. And sadly, it's the primal CNC torture style of play I want to rekindle with my husband.
This stuff isn't triggering like a reminder of abuse, but it's almost like those kinks were last done with him, had all those intense DS feelings poured into them, and then there was betrayal and abandonment without any closure. I've discussed all of this with my husband who is very supportive and wants me to find closure first and foremost, but also wants us to spark up this style of s and m, c and c play again if possible. These interests existed long before the shitty sadist
dom. I'd like for them to stop being something I flinch away from because I fear that the intensity of those circumstances is something I can't create anew with my husband and that it's not an option for me anymore. The thought of that saddens me deeply. I'm confident that I'm doing this for the right reasons, but then my anxiety kicks in and tells me I'm using kink to cope with the fallout of shitty sadistam even though I'm not. I just wanna reclaim
what was already mine to begin with. I've been to therapy and have a good grasp of my mental health. I'm looking more for pointers about framing, actions, and even rituals to reclaim and respark. Wow. Mhmm. Yeah. That's that's a lot. It is it's a lot. I like that this person has put a lot of thought into it, is very self aware, clearly has done the introspection Absolutely. Kinda know what is happening and even
why. Yeah. Now it's that okay, but what do we do about it part that can be so difficult. So the hard part is I don't think there is just a, oh, just do these 2 or 3 things and ta da. No. It it there isn't because, I mean, wow. After a year, 6 months of which was the dynamic, you know, to just be like, nope. I lied about everything. I'm out of here. Gone. You know? Poof. That is a huge betrayal of trust. So I can definitely understand where their head is at, where they're coming
from with this. Okay? Because, yeah, that's a huge huge breach of trust. And and even though it did not come from her husband, her her has has hasdom, you know, it's still there Right. To this person. Yeah. The familiarity of the the scene and the scenario is enough to go back into a headspace that Right. Yeah. So, you know, one, I would certainly say they talk about that they are in therapy or have been to therapy. Right. Hopefully, it's a kink aware. That would certainly
make life a little easier. You know, it would make a life life a little bit easier and, you know, maybe bring some of this up to the therapist. Right. And if if your therapist is not kink aware or you don't even want to go through the energy of trying to find out, maybe talk about what your anxiety is doing to you so that Mhmm. You you know rationally that this is not a thing that's happening, but your anxiety is like, oh, look at
you. You're just using Yeah. You know, kink in a way that's not not good. That's an internal thought process that's coming from somewhere. You know? Anxiety being it. But, like, sometimes that the mean voice in our head is a is a person who who treated us badly in the past or somebody in our formative life who just said enough of the wrong things, and now they're the
voice stuck in our head. Yeah. So even if you can't talk to your therapist about the actual kink part, maybe talk to them about how your anxiety is intruding, and maybe there are some tips and tricks that they can offer to help you work through that. The thing that came to my mind, because I don't think that I don't think that there is a perfect solution to this. Mhmm. A couple a few things. 1, we all want closure, and we aren't all always going to get it. Yeah. I know.
Not, I think, in the way most of us envision what closure might be. I think there is more acceptance and then a you never forget. You never, you know, quote, get over it necessarily, but you move on from it. Mhmm. And you might not be quite at that point. You're clearly along the path, but maybe there's just a little bit more time that needs to pass. But a couple things that came to mind.
1, if it's available to you, can you get out of your house and can you get an Airbnb or a hotel room or you know, there are kinky Airbnbs. You mostly have to look, like, through Google and FetLife. You're not gonna find it on Airbnb usually saying we're the kinky one. Yeah. But, you know, is it possible several that have popped up here in Florida recently. It's given me business ideas. I just don't have time
or resources. Yeah. So is it possible that maybe not right now, not immediately, but you can plan for a future getaway trip where you can get out of the comfort of your own home and get into that part of the head space of, this I'm not familiar with this, this. I don't know what could happen here because I've never been in this space. I don't think it has to be a kink dedicated space, but I think that the comfort level of knowing this space is designated for kink might take
some some pressure off. Mhmm. You're not too worried about damaging a place that's built for wild things to happen. But maybe a hotel room. Maybe a who knows? Right? Yeah. Is there a way you and your husband can get away for a night, a weekend, a whatever, and get some level of privacy to scene in that way again? So you get out of your room, your bedroom. Now here's here's another thing I thought of alone, and that that's a great thought, because sometimes, you know, you just need to step away
from things. But now, here's here's another layer to add to that, maybe. You know, when you've seen with this other Dom, you know, I'm I'm sure you had certain scenes that you that you did that were done. Maybe what you need to do is come up with some different scenes in the same vein, so it it's not that. It's different enough. It's different enough that it's not, you know, bringing you back to those memories. Right, and it it, you kinda wanna turn a page and
do something maybe you've never done before. Right. It will probably take a lot more planning than your typical thing. You might have to do some more research. It might take longer to make happen. Yeah. But, yeah, do do something that you're like, we I've never done this with anybody. Mhmm. So there's no memories, at least, of the activity attached to another part of it. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. Mhmm. Another one, and this is the boring
idea. Uh-oh. But in my experience with, like, all parts of life, the boring ideas tend to actually work. And that is instead of thinking about planning, trying to execute a full on torture, primal, CNC scene, are there small things that you and your partner can negotiate now, like, outside of the moment that you would be willing to allow to happen so that your partner can, when the timing is right, do something that's a little primal c and c, maybe even torture you on a very small level.
Not for a full on scene. Maybe and, you know, you can you have to know yourself here of how much surprise you can handle. But I have a feeling that part of what you need is to remember what it feels like when your husband, that dominant partner, sort of catches you unaware. Mhmm. I'm I'm using this term in the the kinky CNC way, scares you. Right? Yeah. So instead of trying to do this real big elaborate thing, what's a small thing?
Is it one of those things where, you know, at at the certain specific right time, you know, he could be like, run. And the point is not who knows what's gonna happen at the end, but if chasing is part of your thing, you run and you play catch Yeah. In a kinky way, or he bends you over something, or he would you know, gets real close in your ear and says a thing that doesn't even lead to action, but is the right words to hit your personal buttons
Mhmm. And you slowly work up to more and more things, I think that is where you will gain more confidence Right. In remembering what it feels like with that kind of play from this partner that you're with that you wanna get back to. And it's, you know, it's not necessarily as fun, exciting as whatever as an hour long scene where you're wiped out at the end. Mhmm. But sometimes it doesn't have to be to remind yourself of,
oh, wait. That's right. This is what this feels like without the pressure and the memories of shitty sadist domino. Now something I I just thought of, maybe it's maybe it's something, maybe it's not, but, you know, hey. Improv. Sounds like my personal nightmare, but sure. Other people handle it really well. Well, I I guess what I'm saying is, you know, a lot of times people plan out Mhmm. A scene. Mhmm. Okay?
You know, and and you may be thinking, oh, well, you know, I wanna plan out this scene, you know, that it it's gonna involve some CNC, it's gonna involve Carmel, you know, it's gonna involve this. Maybe that's not the way to go right now. Depending on the type of of relationship you have with your husband, you know, what if you just said, you know, or a playtime was set up without really choreographing a scene. Set the boundaries. Mhmm. And then the rest just happens as
it happens. And let the rest happen as it happens. Mhmm. Okay? And maybe, you know, that could be Especially if you as the submissive are getting stuck in your own head, so then it's harder to plan a scene. It's harder to negotiate. Let's let's do this kind of scene. If the communication and trust is there and you know that at any point, you can wave the white flag or your partner will check-in or whatever your ways of trying to mitigate risk are,
and you feel comfortable enough with that. Right? Yeah. I think I think the sort of the surprise of it happening in the moment knowing that there are there are boundary lines, like, you've you've put up the fence line. Your boundaries are your boundaries regardless. Yeah. And you know what could happen within that, but you're assuming your dominant is willing. Right. But he's controlling the action, and all you have to do is react with knowing a few less details.
If that spikes your anxiety, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. Don't. But if it's intriguing, again, I think it goes back to sometimes things are intriguing, but it's it feels like a step too far. I think you can do that, and within that, do something very small just to get that muscle memory back of, oh, yeah. That's what this feels like, or, oh, wow. I wasn't expecting it now. And then you do get the heart racing thing, and you get the, you know, not quite
choreographed reaction. Yeah. You know? And it's your honest reaction, and you know that, hey. If, you know, we have our signal in place. If if this is this was the wrong move, I can stop it right here kinda thing. Mhmm. Mhmm. But, yeah, I think look. Role play is my personal nightmare. Improv is just another level that, oh oh, no. But if that appeals, especially the superhighway of thoughts and the ADHD brain that can go, you know, a 1000000 miles a minute, I do relate there.
I think, yeah, if that resonates, I think that that could certainly be a way where you definitely don't have control over this. And you're doing this with a trusted partner who has your best interest at heart, but also probably knows how to push all of your buttons. I'm just saying. Yeah. I think that's a good idea too. Okay. Anything else that you would you would add? Good. Yeah. So talk to your therapist about that anxiety spike if if that's an option. Start small. Do some improv. Get out of
the house. Again, some of those are long term goals. You might have to save up for it. You might have to plan and, you know, schedule time off, whatever, but that can be part of the anticipation too because you can talk about all of your ideas. You can do the small things around your own home in the safety of home and then have that big trip planned, and who
knows what might happen. Mhmm. But, also, as you're going about this and you're trying to find the different ways to move this forward, try not to put too much pressure on yourself. This is a time thing. You were abruptly left brokenhearted and betrayed. Right? Like, that's not a thing that you just shrug off the next day. Most people can never just shrug something that
like that off. That's a time thing. And I imagine that the fact that you're back to this point of wanting to do these things again shows just how much the healing process has happened. It may just be you need a little bit more time. So I'm gonna say the dreaded p word. It is a word I hate most of all. Sometimes it just requires patience. But in the meantime, do small things. Do different things. I when when you said, just do something you never did with that guy,
that was like, yes. Mhmm. Yes. Because sometimes it's that association of, but I know I like this, so I did something like that with both, even if it was a different kind of scene. Right? Similar sensations or similar experiences, change it up. Do something completely different. Mhmm. Hopefully, some of that is helpful. I mean, take what resonates, reject the rest. Mhmm. That that's all you can ever do. So True. Hopefully, you can get back to some, torture y, primal y, CNC play. Fun
fun stuff. So this is impossible. Right. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes.