- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Okay? The Lord's here with the one, the only, the myth, the man, the something, the legend. I've butchered all of that jump brownstone. You demand - The myth, the - Legend I know, but also you're the one and only. And I can't just change my pattern because I got a bright idea and decided to read your T-shirt. But if folks don't know that you were John Brownstone at this point, they surely are not paying attention.
just saying. Yeah. Uh, this week we're actually doing something a little bit more serious than whatever that just was. Uh, we're answering a question from a submissive who would like their dominant partner to be more commanding and in charge. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help Kister like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode.
And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, uh, you can ask your question through our contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net. That's loving bdsm.net. Or you should be able to find the link in the show notes for this episode. Okay, let's get into the question. My kind sadist seems to be under the impression that I enjoy him giving me freedom and him asking instead of commanding.
I've been trying to communicate to him that commands equal clarity, equal safety, and that I really don't need so much leash as he's giving me. I get my kicks from feeling that he's got a mental grip on me. Mm-Hmm. . And often he seems soft to me, it almost feels like the power gap doesn't exist outside of play, even though we both agree that we want it to. He feels it's there, but I just don't feel it because he doesn't communicate it to me.
I just do what he wants because I'm a service oriented, obedient person. But I would do the same also in a vanilla relationship. So just serving him without him reminding me of the power dynamic does not do the trick for me. If I fall short in something, I forget. Lemme try that again. , if I fall short in something slash forget something, he often just understands, doesn't wanna demand too much and skips punishment or says he'll think about it and maybe punish me later and then forgets.
This makes me feel like I'm not kept accountable, which means the dynamic doesn't exist, which means I get discouraged and feel it's pointless to obey when he doesn't require it. All of this is a turnoff. At the same time, I know this is him trying to take me into consideration, and he does it with love and good intention. There's something about what appeals to me in him being dominant that I just seem to not manage to communicate to him.
My question is, what can I do to encourage him to be more strict as a dominant and give me those kicks I get when he reminds me of our power gap. I do talk about this with him, so if your solution is to talk, please give some pointers on what to say and how to maybe explain it in a way he could understand. I'm 100% sub and he's 100% dominant. No switches here. And even though we love each other, we cannot relate to why the other enjoys their side of the slash but we're happy that we both do.
Also, I've noticed that he gets insecure in his dominance when I talk about this. I'd love to find a way to communicate that does not make him feel like he's failed in some way. I'd love to be able to communicate this wish in a positive and encouraging way. There's one more twist to the story.
We broke up and got back together a while ago, and ever since he's been more careful than before, I think he's feeling sorry for what happened and he doesn't wanna lose me and is trying his best to be loving, but it makes him soft. - Hmm. - I know. - Wow. Geez. - I mean, I have one immediate thought. - Okay. Go. - And it's a lack of confidence - And, and that's the one thing I pulled out of there too. As soon as, as, as soon as it was said, um, you know, confidence can go a long way. Mm-Hmm. .
- Mm-Hmm. . - And, um, uh, what do you do to build confidence? You gotta start small . - Yes. And you know, there's already two underlying tensions though. Mm-Hmm. , when the submissive here tries to communicate what they want, the dominant is somehow feeling like you're unhappy. I'm not doing it. And they, they're making their feelings about what they're hearing the problem. Instead of looking at the gentle critique of, Hey, I would love mm-Hmm, this thing, can we try this thing?
Right. Um, and that's also a, a point of insecurity, but then if they've broken up for whatever the reason is Mm-Hmm. they've gotten back together and now what he's trying to do is to make sure that never happens again. You're already coming at it from a point of insecurity. Right. So it's not even the confidence of just I'm a dominant, it's confidence in himself and the relationship. - Yeah. It's, it's a lot. And, you know, I, I don't know.
I think it's, um, you know, the only way you build confidence is like doing anything else. You know, you wanna build muscles, you have to work those muscles. Mm-Hmm. - . - Mm-Hmm. . Alright. You wanna learn to communicate, - You have to practice - Communicate, you have to practice communicating, and you - Have to be willing to be bad at it before you get good - At it. Right. And, and, and, you know, I'm, I'm gonna put myself on a little bit of a limb here.
You know, this, this person, the way they asked the question, I, I would have to say, you know, that they, they said, they talked about it and how you present it is, is a good portion of sure. Of it. You know, and, and it sounds like you, you may have, you know, done. So respectfully constructive criticism goes a long way besides just complaining Mm-Hmm. about something. Sure. So that, that may be something that, uh, their partner needs to consider.
I mean Sure. You know, and, and think about, um, you know, because there, there are times you come to me and you know, Hey, daddy, you, you know, if you did this and you did it like that, it might be better, it might be easier. - I would love it. Let's try it. Yeah. That's how I, yeah. Yeah. I'm, that tends to be my, my method of going Mm-Hmm.
, because I don't want to come to you and I do not get the sense that this person is doing this, but maybe I'm not come to you and go, here's what you're doing wrong. Yeah. If that's the way the communication has started, yes. You, we need to flip it on its head and go, here's what I would like to see. Yeah. And if you have not already give very concrete examples Mm-Hmm.
what that may mean, depending on how your partner is sort of wired, you may hear those very concrete examples repeated back at you in, at some time in the future. And you're gonna have to be okay with that because if you, if, especially if your partner tends to be literal, if you give them a literal example, they may use that it at bare minimum to practice on, to go, okay, this is exactly what they said they wanted.
I'm gonna try that. Um, the other thing I'm curious about is if when your partner does what you're looking for, even if that's in play Mm-Hmm. , have you ever commented on I love that. That was great. Right? This made me feel Mm-Hmm. , whatever it makes you feel. Right. Positive reinforcement can sometimes just go a long way hearing that, Hey, that thing you did that, that was great. That was perfect. Mm-Hmm. Let's, let's do more of that. Because part of it is they've already done it.
They're not worrying about performing. They've done the thing, they know how they were feeling in the moment. They know what led up to that ability to be more commanding and demanding. And that might help them remember for future. Yeah. Because they've gotten the very clear, um, information from you that this is good. I like this.
- Yeah. You know, here's, here's something I was, I was thinking about through all this, what they might benefit from, uh, especially since, you know, they, they got back together and, and the big D is trying to work on this. Mm-Hmm. . Um, you might benefit from like at this point because of what you're trying to achieve, maybe a weekly check in with each other.
Mm-Hmm. , you know, and I'm, I'm going to repeat something here that said, often time and time, you know, maybe what you need to do is, is start small. Sure. Pick one thing that is important to you in, in regards to a task and, and work on that and, and get that, you know, going then have times where you check in with each other and you talk about what's going well, what's not going well, what can we tweak, what you know, is there any part of this that needs to go by the wayside?
And then you can, you know, that would help build their confidence. - Here's the thing. All of this is predicated on their dominant partner being willing to - Do this, willing to do that. - True. So that is probably the first hurdle, you know, if they're not taking action based on your, the way you're giving feedback now, um, all of our advice is great in theory, but if they're not willing to take the feedback Mm-Hmm. in the first place or act on any of these things, it's not gonna matter.
Um, a couple things come to mind though. Okay. One, I, I'm thinking about this because I'm spending a lot of my time learning about neurodivergency just in general. So that's where this comes from. And I don't wanna make any assumptions about anybody, but something that, uh, I'm learning a little bit more about is called rejection sensitivity dysphoria. Mm-Hmm. . Which means that when somebody even thinks they're being criticized, they're, they don't handle it.
Well. Everybody handles who might experience this handles it differently. Some people get very upset, some people, um, withdrawn to themselves. Some people shut down completely. Some people go the opposite way and get angry.
Um, so the reason I mention that is if your partner responds to criticism in any other part of their life in a way that they don't take on the feedback well and they do not take that feedback and then try to make sustainable changes, it could be that this isn't really about power exchange. This is about who they are, and that's gonna be a thing they have to be willing to work on.
Mm-Hmm. . Now if you've got examples left, right, and center of where they've been criticized about something, they've gotten a little critique, they've gotten a little feedback about how they can change and they've done it and it's not been a big deal, then I would say, okay, it's about confidence about being a dominant specifically.
Yeah. The other thing that if your partner is willing, and they have to be willing for all of this, any of this is for them to go out and seek out local community, online community Yes. Where dominance are gathering and are talking about their experience. If your partner's only experience as a dominant is what y'all have been able to put together for yourselves, that means that there's a very good chance that they have a very narrow view of what they're capable of and what dominance means.
Okay. Getting to be around virtually or in person, other people who are dominance in their power exchange. One, it allows him to ask questions of people who are doing the thing. And it may be that he doesn't like feeling, you know, air quote this led by the submissive. I think personally most doms need to get the fuck over that . Yeah. Uh, a submissive expressing what they need is not leading. No. And sometimes, you know, a submissives got really good fucking ideas.
Mm-Hmm. . So let's just pay attention to 'em. But, you know, it might be that it's not the message, it's the messenger. It might be that what they need is to hear it from somebody that they perceive has experience that they wish they had. Mm-Hmm. Right. Who understands their perspective.
So if they're not completely opposed to the idea and they're not already doing it, there are, um, depending on the community, online in person, you can find, you know, dom round tables and workshops and meetings, um, spaces where, you know, dominance Mm-Hmm. Are just gathering, talking about things. There used to be a website, I don't know if it's still active, called dominant guide.com. Mm-Hmm. , it was run by the same folks who run submissive guide.com. Um, FetLife for all that.
It can be a cesspool, sometimes , every once in a while you can find some good groups and some good - Posts and it's Yeah. Yeah. - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. So, you know, how much is your partner willing to be part of a community in some way to learn from others, right. So that maybe they can gain the confidence, get some ideas, you know, just go back and forth with somebody else. Mm-Hmm. who will understand their perspective. - You beat me to the punch on that one. Do try .
- Well, can I say the, the hard part here that is not the happy ending part. - Yeah. I know. - It is entirely possible that they are not the kind of dominant you most want. True. That for all of the, we've talked about it, you know, they're willing to do this, they're willing to do that. Mm-Hmm. , I've thought about who they're as a person, but it can sometimes boil down to their style of dominance - Is not the type of dominance you need. Yeah. - Yeah. That there is a, or a want.
It's not necessarily like a thing you can't overcome and find a way around, but it is an incompatibility. Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, I think that if the conversation might need to be, if, especially if what we're telling you, you're like, I have been trying this for, you know, however long the conversation might need to be, Hey, dominant partner, what is dominance to you?
What, what do you want to be doing as a dominant Now if they, because what you don't want is them to tell you, I want this thing you say you want. And they're only telling you that out of fear of the relationship ending. Right. That's not gonna do anybody any par good parroting. Mm-Hmm. what? I'm sorry, just - Parroting. Yes. - Yes. I mean, 'cause then they're, they're going through the motions.
Mm-Hmm. so that they don't in lose the relationship, but then they're not giving you what you need. Right. To be satisfied in the relationship, - Which then builds bad. Right. - Juju . And that does not end well for - Anybody. No. So, - No, quite frankly, the first thing is to get clear on, is this what your partner really wants to do? Mm-Hmm. , they maybe just don't know how, or they're not confident enough yet versus is this not at all their style and they're never really gonna be this way.
Yeah. But they're too scared of losing you and the relationship to just own up to it. And that, and that's the, the hardest part. That's what you gotta get clear on first. Mm-Hmm. . And then the rest you can kind of play with, you know? Yeah. I do think that if they're, they really want to, they just are feeling lost and clueless and are not sure how they're supposed to do it. Maybe they don't wanna admit that to you.
That to me is another moment of I'm gonna need Doms to like unbend a little bit and just admit shit to your submissive partners. , because we are partners. We're working together towards a common goal, right? Mm-Hmm. . So, you know, if Yes, they wanna be doing it and they just don't know how, one, hopefully they will admit that to you. Yeah. Two, I definitely think positive reinforcement when you can point out, maybe not in the moment, right, right.
But like later you can point out this thing they did that like really hit all your buttons for you. That lets them know that gives them clear concrete examples of what that looks like and what that feels like on their side. Right. And then God just talking to more dominant people of all genders, because everybody's got their own style. Everybody's got their own way of approaching it. Mm-Hmm.
and everybody's had to go through that process of, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing to get to the point of, well I mostly know what I'm doing and we'll just figure it out from there, you know, on the fly. Yeah. - Right. - and you know, if it's a lack of confidence as a dominant, that will probably, if they can find the right group and the right community and the right people, that can be the biggest confident boost of all. Yeah. Um, it may be that you're not the right messenger.
You've already said potentially everything you can possibly say. Mm-Hmm. now they have to decide are they willing to try it? Does it feel right to them? You know? Yeah. Will they go seek out the information that they need to be able - To make that happen? I mean, for, for some people, you know, to, to change it takes a while. Mm-Hmm. , you know, it definitely does. And you know, it may be they're willing to do it at this point, but it may take a little bit Mm-Hmm.
for them to get to get there. So, Mm-Hmm. - and I Yeah. And I like your idea of, you start really, really, really small. Yeah. And really slow. It might be that what you do is the, the thing you're trying to ultimately get to of a certain commanding tone.
Mm-Hmm. a certain behavior, like immediate reaction when something happens that whatever it is you're looking for that instead of trying to get, convince him to just do that one, that one big thing, you somehow break it down into pieces, parts. Maybe it's a tone of voice. Mm-Hmm. Maybe it's, you know, it's how quickly that he responds to a thing. Um, maybe it's a look like really small things Mm-Hmm. Can help you feel some of what you're trying to feel and then y'all can build on it together.
- Yeah. One other thing I I'd like to add real quick, um, just touching on the thing where, um, you know, they talk about how it's that there were times when they were they misbehaved. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. and, and you know, punishment was put off and then forgotten there. There may be a little bit of help with that. Something like the, the app obedience. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. You know, where, I don't know how busy this person is or what they have on their plate on a regular basis.
I know something, you know, we both know life Sure. Throws its, uh, you know, monkey wrench in the gears. And, um, you know, if they, if they have a hard problem, you know, keeping track with so much going on, um, an app like obedience could be Right. You know, something that, because it's a tool for, and you know, it takes the load off having to to remember it. - Right. They can just look, here's the, the thing assigned, has it been done or not?
Right? Then they have to remember what they're gonna do about it. Right. And now that's another thing. Um, have y'all talked about what possible punishments are? If you are disobedient, what is going to happen? Mm-Hmm. , if you have not sat down and made that, those like concrete, here's what happens and your partner is having to think of them on the fly, that's gonna create a resistance if he's not yet comfortable with that Mm-Hmm.
. But if he knows, hey, it's gonna be one of these two or three things. Yeah. And I don't have to think too hard about it, I just have to like, take care of it and let myself be firm. That might help there too. Yeah. - Mm-Hmm. - . So yeah. There's lots of things to try, hopefully Mm-Hmm. one or more of these things will help, but really the first thing you gotta get clear is that this is the kind of dominant they want to be. That's - True.
- So, and, and there's, there's, I have no good advice on, on how to handle that. Yeah. If that's where there's an incompatibility Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm, hmm. Um, but yeah, that then try any or all of of the things. Yeah. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net or you can find the link in the show notes.
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