You're listening to the Love and BDSM podcast. Kayla Lortz here with the one, the only, the light of my life, the love of my life, the domed my sub, the meanie to my baby girl. John Brownstone. Okay. I didn't know where that was going. I just, it went it took me on a journey too. So Okay. I wasn't the only one then that okay. No. All of us, including anybody who can hear the sound of our voice. Yeah. We were all lost together. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody knew where it would end. No. Mm-mm. Not at
all. Not even a little bit. That's not what we're here to talk about. Today, we are answering a question from a kinkster who's like, I have a legit not good kink community, and doing something about it has been difficult. So hopefully we can help them. Yep. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss
an episode. And if you'd like us to answer one of your questions in a future one of these, you can use the contact page on our website, that literally is titled Ask Your Questions. Our website's lovingbdsm.net, or the link is in the show notes. Okay. This person puts their question at the top. Alright. What do I do when I have an objectively bad local BDSM community?
I'm still a newbie, AKA I have not been in a DS dynamic or engaged in my kinks other than in the form of online sex work like OnlyFans. Everyone suggests new people go to local community events such as munches, educational events, join groups, etcetera. But my area is just not good to put it lightly. I am 6 hours away from a big metro city and other events outside my city are still a couple hours away at minimum. My local community only has
2 groups and one small swingers group. The 2 main BDSM groups are extremely problematic and have too many red flags for me to feel comfortable to ever engage with these groups. Every single month, social event, educational event, etcetera, is tied to either one of these groups. How am I supposed to meet people now? A lot of others have suggested making my own group, which I have, the Next Generation or TNG Bunches.
But I've had 4 events so far, 2 of which no one showed up and the other 2 where it was just one other person and me, which is fine. I completely understand that starting something from scratch will take time to grow, but the experience of starting something is still wildly different from joining something that's already established. Also, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be hosting such events since I am
still new. I've done hours upon hours of research on BDSM in general and hosting social events and gotten advice from people as to whether I, as a newbie, should be hosting munches. It's about 5050. Some people say it's completely unsafe for a new person with no experience to host BDSM events, while others say that it doesn't matter as much since I only plan to ever host social events at bars, coffee shops, arcades, etcetera. Okay. Go for it. There there's a lot
there. There's a lot there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I I think first off, I I wanna say as far as being a newbie and hosting munches, I I don't see any concerns with that. Not with social events. Not not with social events. If you if you were hosting parties, then I would say, you know, there there might be a little something to to think about there. But as far as hosting a munch, no. I I I don't see any problem with that whatsoever. New, moderator, or old timer.
Anyway, so, you know, I I think in a sense you're on the right track, you know, creating your own function. And, yes, it it may take some time for it for it to get going. One other person, well, you know, it's one other person that that's that's more than none. Mhmm. So, you know, it it it is a start. What was that that movie years ago, If You Build It, They Will Come? Yes. Yes. And, you know, yeah, it it will it will probably take time, but, don't don't
give up. The other thing I'm gonna suggest, I know in person, you know, I I even say, you know, in person. I I have always been a big advocate for for community. Probably always will be. But, you know, in in this case with with what you're you're looking at, try and find some things online, some virtual events. Mhmm. Okay? You know, we host a virtual munch Mhmm. Once a month. Mhmm. There are a lot of places that, since COVID still are doing hybrid
coffee times. Mhmm. Workshops. Workshops, different things like that, online gatherings. You know, I don't know if you're a part of FetLife. FetLife, for all its misgivings, is a fantastic place to to look for groups and and for things happening. And if you're not already doing it, to promote your own events and create your own online group for
your local area. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know, look look for different online spaces that are are engaging in things that you want, you know, whether whether it's a a virtual workshop or something like that. There are numerous groups pretty much for every interest there could be Oh, yeah. For sure. For sure. You know, on on PhET. So, you know, go go in there and and search out, you know, your your interest and and find other groups of of like minded people.
I I know it's not the same as in person sometimes, but for the time being, you know, it it's a step. Mhmm. Okay? Mhmm. So what are your I agree completely. I think it's a twofold. If you want to create your own local in person group, if that is something you want to continue to pursue, you do it side by side because
for two reasons. 1, that gives you, you know, being part of an online community gives you some people to interact with while your, local group is growing, but also it allows you to meet and get to know and come in contact with people who may be able to help you grow your munch, over the long term. You know, when you become engaged, in online activities where there are I don't wanna say prominent because, it's kind
of a that that doesn't feel right. But people who you think others could learn from, that you get to know as as a person. Like, you're not there to just, like, seek out what they can do for you, but you might get to know people in groups who would be willing to speak to your group, and that can be a draw. Or you might get to know people you might get to know people, who are willing to partner with you on something virtual, and then you can invite your group and that you you spread
things out. So, you know, there's a lot of good that being in online community spaces can do, not just for meeting people for yourself, creating your own like, having your own space to just be a kinkster online and and talk to people and make friends and whatever. It can also help you if you want to pursue your TNG munch, which I think is a good thing. One thing, to consider, if you are seeing red flags in a community, I promise you you are not the only one in that community.
Part of the problem is is that people will go to a munch and go, whoo. This this ain't my vibe. And then they kinda drift away and it's sort of hard to find them. If you can, it'll probably be online. It might even be through FetLife. You know, connect with people who are in your local area that don't vibe with the existing groups. You can sort of invite them 1 on 1. Send them, you know, hey. I've got this event. I've got this group online.
You know, come check it out. If you get to know somebody with more experience in your local community who's maybe been around for a while that is not down with, you know, that group or has a different sort of ethos in that group, maybe they can partner with you and maybe they can use their connections to to draw more people in. So I think that they're you know, 2 things can be happening at once. You can be working to grow your in person much Mhmm. And exploring online community. Because, yes, I
I agree. In person can do a world of good because sometimes what we need to do is be in a space with other kinksters for it to feel normalized to us to be like, oh, yeah. These are just people who go to work like I go to work, or they they go to school like I go to school, or they, you know, have kids, or they have this, or they have that. It we're just all people. And there is a benefit to that part of the the in person space. But the online space is not all bad
either. There's there's some spaces and there are some people. Sure. Sure. But there's a huge benefit to being finding your community online because some people like you are not in an area where you have access to a lot of in person community. Some people cannot, for all kinds of reasons, physically go into in person spaces, and so online community
is what they need. So those spaces online spaces are valid if you can find the ones where you're not seeing a bunch of red flags and people take moderation and and community guidelines seriously and and that kind of stuff. So I think it's a a both and, and I think that what you learn and who you meet in the online community may inform what you do for your in person community. But all of it takes time.
Even if your local community was amazing and they weren't filled with red flags and you were going to every munch and every event they hold, you might still not immediately make kink friends or meet a kinky partner in even the 1st year of doing that. Right? Like, it all takes time. You are because of the nature of of your local community, you're taking a slower path, but I think it's if you're willing to keep it up and it it serves you to keep doing this, I think you're
you're benefiting the overall community in general. You
know? And I think, ultimately, you become a better kinkster, a more educated kinkster by doing it because the more you have to think about kink in non, like, mid scene dynamic ways, but, like, like, big picture think about kink, the the more it's sort of top of mind and you are more aware of red flags sometimes and you are you become a little bit more educated about kink in ways you might not have otherwise, and that ends up being to your own benefit most of the time.
So Mhmm. Yeah. You you can do it if that's what you want, but and but also do not do not think that the online community is somehow bad or or ineffective or, you know, because it's not the, quote, best thing that people, recommend or the first thing that people recommend that it doesn't have value, has a ton of value. And there are Discord servers. And even to this day, somehow, there are Facebook
groups. Yeah. And, you know, there are folks like us who have, you know, we do an open livestream once a month, like you mentioned, on YouTube, but then we have Patreon communities where we have our own private Discord and, like, people are all out there doing the thing. It's just a matter of connecting Finding and connecting. Right. And with people that you vibe with. Mhmm. Yep. So that's that's what I'd say about that. Mhmm. Thanks Thanks for listening to this week's q
and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do that.
Just join us at patreon.com slash kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.