You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the even when you're being a little grumpy, you're still sometimes a little silly, daddy. The breadstone. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Hi. Hi. Hi. Yeah. That's I I got nothing more to add to that. Just then just It's just a thing we've been through on this day of recording. So I I think there's been a lot of that this week just in general. Probably so. Probably so. That's okay. We've got every
That's not why we're here. That's not why we're here. No. No. And for all our giggles, we're we are dealing with a heavy question this week. Seriously. So we are gonna take that seriously. This week, we're answering a question from a submissive who experienced trauma in a previous power exchange relationship and wants to feel confident in their new relationship. This is a content warning for mentions, but no details of an abusive DS relationship, including mentions but no details of sexual
assault and abuse. So if that is not something you need to be thinking about right now, feel free to skip this one. We are we are never mad at you for that. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself. Welcome to the leave loving what is our name? I don't know. Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. You should see the look I'm giving her, folks. It's, precious. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships.
The podcast is your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you have a question that you'd like us to answer for you and get our take on the situation, you can use our link, literally called ask your questions, in the show notes or available at our website, lovingBDSM.net. That's lovingBDSM.net. Okay. So let's get into the question. K. I've been with my daddy dom for a
little over a month now. As of September 2024, I've come out of a toxic and abusive DS dynamic that's left me struggling with my sense of self worth, especially when it comes to my sexuality and worth within the dynamic. My partner now is absolutely wonderful, kind, loving, compassionate, understanding, empathetic, and funny. I love everything about him, especially when he goes off on
tangents about folk music. My ex Dom made it all about sex and made it hard for me to voice relational concerns because they'd be dismissed or he'd ghost for three weeks or more. I can't do much sexually due to the trauma from sexual abuse from my ex Dom complicated by reproductive problems that cause a lot of pain and giving oral being completely off limits. I'm also in chemical menopause and on HRT, but HRT has done nothing for my desire for sexual play at all.
I'm also very new to sexual activity in general. My ex dom was my only sexual partner and I don't do sexual play casually. My issues come down to not feeling like a good enough submissive or partner because I'm not able to have fun with sex with my partner in any way. We are an incredible match personality wise and we have a lot of fun together and love to cuddle together especially when falling asleep.
I hear my ex Dom's words about the only thing important to him in our dynamic was sex and his mind turning back to sex during every argument and how it diminished through the abuse, how I'm not open minded enough. I'm also taking legal action against my ex dom for the abuse. I've gone to lots of munches and play events and have a wonderful dynamic with my partner. And I have none of the same issues that I had in the dynamic with my ex dom.
I couldn't be happier to be in the relationship and the community I'm in now. How do I stop feeling ashamed of my lack of desire for sex and enjoy what we have? How do I feel more confident in the dynamic? It's a heavy one. Yes. It is. It's an important thing. There's no way this person is, you know, the first, the last, or the only to ever go through something like this. True. True. True. We I did not spring this question on JB. We this is what we talked about before recording.
The one thing that's first and foremost, because we are just two weirdos on the Internet, we are not qualified for actual, you know, the actual kind of help that will probably help you process through some of this. Alright. And that is if you have not done so already, please please please see if you can find a kink aware, kink friendly Yeah. Therapist. Yes. You know, extra ideal if they are familiar with and can help you with any sexual function situations, mental health wise.
We are absolutely linking to the site where you can go to find somebody. Mhmm. You know, depending on where you live and the rules about all that and licensing and all that stuff good stuff, it could be limited. It might not. Telehealth might be an option.
Therapy in and of itself is, you know, is something that would probably help in general, but specific to kinks, specific to dynamics, specific to how it's, like, making you feel and how you're reacting with your own, you know, sexual play and fun and ability, I've if you can find them, I I would really highly recommend somebody who is actually qualified in those areas. Absolutely. Especially with somebody who understands kink.
Now on a once that's settled as you're doing that, what are some things we think you can try or that may help? We will give it a go. Mhmm. What are some of your thoughts? Well, I I know I I have kind of gone through this in in the past, especially the more recent past. Mhmm. Do you mean this by like lack of confidence? Well Or the not being able to be as sexual as you want.
Okay. I've, you know, in the past I've kind of run into some of these things too, and, you even pointed it out to me in the past. In as far as going to say, you know, you are looking at the things you don't have Mhmm. Mhmm. And not enjoying the things you do have. Right. And I and I think for many people that's a common Mhmm. Problem. Mhmm. Okay? Because it it's so easy to fixate on the bad. And I know even people will be more likely to say something
negative Mhmm. Than positive. Absolutely. And and I think this kind of falls a little bit into the same thing. It it it's hard to see the forest from the trees. Right. Because we as individuals will will think about what we think we're lacking, what we think we're not doing, what we're Mhmm. Air quotes supposed to be doing. Yeah. Right. And and it sounds like you have, you know, a really good relationship here starting. Mhmm. And, you know, is is it easy to break that mindset? No. No. It's not.
You know, like like we both agreed on upfront, you know, I think some some therapy would would be amazing, would be very helpful to this. But I I I think, you know, you can do some things in in the meantime that might help. Maybe develop, for lack of a better word, maybe a mantra. You know, that you can reinforce to yourself Mhmm. You know, that, hey, there is good here. Right. Yeah. You kind of have to, to the best of your ability, rewrite the script in your brain. Exactly. Sort of override
it as much as you can. And and and the only way you can really do that is kind of by by repetition. Mhmm. Okay. Mhmm. So, you know, they they say, you know, I'm not good, but they they can be helpful. So I I think that's something that you could, you know, want to
Mhmm. Try. And I think if you choose to go that way, you know, it's it's whatever you choose to say to yourself, to think to yourself consistently, you know, try to think of it's a little bit of that manifestation thing, trying to think of what you want to have and who you want to be, while also you've already clearly outlined it here, what is good about the relationship that you're in, and that that that you are enough as you
are right now. Correct. Regardless of what has happened to you and the process you have to go through to work through some of that and and find your way through it. There's no out. There's no over under. There is just through. Yeah. Who you are right now is good enough, and clearly who you are is good enough for your existing partner. You walked into this relationship with this partner. You walked into this relationship with this past and with these traumas and
with these health issues. Right? And you are loving your time with this partner. You are finding joy and good in the relationship that you're in, And clearly you're not disappointing them because they knew who you were and they have figured out who you are in in this time. So, or they are figuring relatively new relationship, and they're happy with you, and happy with the relationship you have
based from description. So Right. That you are enough, and what you are able to offer and do and and who you are able to be in this moment is enough. I the other thing I I would recommend is to think about what submission means to you. Are there other parts of your submission that are non sexual? And if they have never been before, is that something that you can explore?
You know, if if your only view and experience with submission is sexual and and sex is just off the table and not the right thing for you right now, sure, you might feel lacking as a submissive, but are you a service sub? Are you somebody who just kinda wants to be told what to do? Are you somebody who feels like they would thrive with well negotiated rules?
You know, may if you haven't already or if you've had to put it on hold from this previous relationship, start exploring what submission means to you. Submissive Guide, the website, submissiveguide.com, linked in the places, is a great place to go for that. Luna, who runs that site, also has books that that she's written that you can get electronically or physical copies.
The new bottoming book, is not specifically about submission, but there's there's a lot there that talks about bottoming and submitting, not just within a sexual play kind of thing. And then we have the thirty days of DS from Loving BDSM, which you had questions that you can answer and, you know, then you get an understanding of who you are more from those too. Right. And those are three days of DS is designed to be either conversation starters or journal prompts, however you want to
go through it. And it's a little bit each day to sort of think about what power exchange means to you and what you want it to be for you. So that would be my you know, it's e like you said, it's very easy to focus on what you don't have, what you can't do, what's not happening, and it's very easy to lose sight of what you can do, what you do have, what is good right right with you right now. The other thing, and it's the most boring answer, it's the one that is just frustrating
as all hell, and that's time. Yeah. This is all very new. The getting out of the relationship, new. That is we are recording in early February twenty twenty five. Barely barely six months. Right. And what was it? How long have you been in this relationship? A little over a month. That means there's also some new relationship energy. There's just getting to know each other. There's just maybe, hopefully, starting to develop a a strong and deep trust between one
another, and it's way early days. The things you think you know about yourself, your partner, your dynamic today could fundamentally shift in six months, a year, longer. Right? So, you know, it is all of this is still fresh for you. And the there's no cure. I don't wanna I don't wanna be blase about it and be like, oh, well,
it is a time thing. You have to have enough time to go through the legal process that you're dealing with, to maybe find a therapist who is aware and and understanding of dynamics in power exchange to be able to help you kind of walk through this and work through some of this. You have to deal with your own health. And quite frankly, chemical menopause and HRT and low arousal sexual desire,
yes. But also, I from a if I had been through some of what you have just minimally described, I sure as shit wouldn't have any sexual desire either. Yeah. Of course you don't. Regardless of the medical and health and Right. Physical reasons, of course, you don't. It's you know, if you had I will say this. If you had asked this question and said I'm thinking about getting into a relationship, my answer would have been, maybe put that on pause. Yeah. Go slow. But you're here now.
You are happy. Your partner seems seems to be wonderful. So now They they seem to be very supportive. Right. And hopefully that continues. That's that's what I would want for anybody. So they can't fix you. They can't make it better for you, but maybe they can be a support for you. Maybe they can hold your hand through this journey.
But all of that takes time. It's not just because you're out of the relationship and you're into a new relationship doesn't mean everything that you've gone through just, you know, is somehow, like, you cannot think about it, not it won't affect you, you've moved on. Yeah. It's just not how any of it works. Right. I mean, it it would be nice if, you know, you you walked out of a an old relationship and you just flip the switch and, you know, off you go. But we as people,
we aren't. We we have to we have an I I think an in inert or an in-depth need to, you know, think about things, to to work through things. Right. Okay? And we're gonna feel what you feel through this whole process. And some of that and I wish you did not feel shame. I wish you I wish you were not lacking in confidence. But it's also understandable because of whatever it is without knowing the details that you were put through and that somebody did to you. Right?
So I can't tell you how to stop feeling shame, that we are not qualified. I don't know how you become more confident as of this moment, but my experience says it's a time thing. It's a trust thing. Insomuch as you can, if submission outside of sex is a thing you gravitate towards, that's where I would put my energy in terms of power exchange dynamics. I would be like, okay. Sex will happen if it's meant to happen, when it's meant to happen. It's off the table. It's just not even like, I'm
working through some stuff. I gotta do some healing and some processing. Maybe we'll get there. And the partner you have seems to know that or they wouldn't be with you. Right? So then it's okay. Let's let's pivot and let's look at power exchange that isn't sexual, that is about the literal exchange of power. I'm submissive. They're my daddy dom. I've got rules now. I've got things I have to do that aren't about
sex. And if and when it's meant to be, whether it's with lots of therapy and, you know, whatever else you find that helps you work through this, or it it happens a little bit more naturally as the trust grows between you, you might find yourself back there going, okay. I can baby steps. I can start doing some sexual things. But again, there shouldn't the thing I feel like you're doing is you're putting pressure on yourself, and that's not gonna
help you. No. To the extent that two weirdos on the Internet with microphones can convince you of this, that is the thing I'd I'd like to say is let let the pressure fall away to the best of your abilities and just go, it's not a never first sex. It's a not right now. That's not good for me.
That's not where I need to be. I seem to have this partner who gets that, so let's focus on the things that are bringing you joy, that make you happy together, where you can connect as dom and sub in ways that you both enjoy and want to do has nothing to do with sex. You as a human being, also as a submissive, are more than the sexual things you can do within for a partner. There is so much more to you than that. There's so much more to power exchange than that if that's what you want.
So I I can say that all day long. I know that doesn't mean you hear it and go, oh, of course. No. I have I look at the world in a different way. That's that I know. But I think you need to hear that from people outside of you who can be more objective than you're ever gonna be. And I think maybe if you try the manifestation mantra kind of like, let me rewrite the script in my own head and say things to myself that you know And, again, that is a Band
Aid kind of thing. That's a that would never just work all on its own. Mhmm. You you're you need the tools that hopefully a good professional can help you with and help you find and to to navigate all of this. Plus just the stress of the legal process of this all. That's gonna linger for as long as that lingers because depending on where you're located, you didn't say US, but I know US. If if anything even gets to come of it, it takes for fucking ever. Mhmm. So, yeah, to the best of of your
abilities, just mutually go, okay. Sex is just off the table. It's just not a thing in this relationship right now. What we can do, the cuddles, the having fun, the laughing, let's focus on that. Because you you you need some of that in your life. You deserve to have that in your life. And I think over time in that way, when you redefine what submission means to you, if if if that resonates away from sex, I think you'll
find confidence there. I think, you know, having a being with a partner that treats you as you're supposed to be treated with respect and care and that you enjoy being with and that you, you know, you're having a better experience. I think from over time, confidence will come from that as well. And and from reading this, I have one other little thing I wanna throw in there, but I think it's kind of important. Be kind to yourself. The hardest thing of all. Be kind to
yourself. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. You just as I'm I have no doubt you would be kind to your partner if they described all of this to you. Right? You'll go, oh my gosh. I am so sorry. How can I help? How can I support you? You are worthy of the same things. Mhmm. Talk to yourself the way you talk to your best friend or your current partner who you adore. You are worthy of that too. Yeah. That is hard. It takes time to, like, retrain your brain a little bit. It will feel silly as shit.
Rewriting those bad tapes is difficult, but it can be done. Right. But don't think that doing that is all I if you're not already, please, please, please see what you can do to find a kink aware therapist, somebody who folk can focus on the sexual aspect for you. There are, sex coaches, therapists, people who who specialize on that side of things as well. Let telehealth be your friend. Right.
And, yeah, over time this will never go away for you, but over time, I think you'll find your ways to, handle it and deal with it and get through it and think about it differently. And it's just to me, it's too too it would it's too fresh. Of course, you feel the way you feel. Yeah. And I think that's all Yeah. We can offer. Mhmm. Correct. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super
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