You're listening to podcast. K. The Lords here were the 1, the only, the light of my life, the love of my life, the girder of my loins. No. I don't think that's how that works. Anyway, John Brownstone. I I know you have to gird your loins. I'm not sure what you're girding them for. I'm not even sure what girding is. I don't even know if I'm saying that word correctly. I've only ever read that word in a book. Many books. Lots of books.
I'm I'm Yeah. You can see how long it he's like, I I don't even know what to do with that. Oh, okay. So I don't know if that means it's a good thing or not that we're recording this after we did the live stream this week. We'll let y'all decide. That's not what we're talking about this week. This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who is struggling to enjoy scenes with a nervous dom. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have
happy healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, you can use our contact page. It's literally called ask your questions on our website at lovingbdsm.net. That's lovingbdsm.net, or hopefully you can find the link in the show notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get into the question. It says, hello.
So I'm in a relationship with a woman who is very new to kink and calling herself a dom. I have some experience with a couple other girlfriends in the past. I don't think she understands the whole idea of power exchange, so I'm having to keep telling her that everything feels good during a scene and it's exhausting, and I can't just relax and enjoy the sensation. She seems very worried that she'll hurt me no matter how much I explained that I
like the sensations. It's like she doesn't believe me and or trust herself. Makes me hesitant to even play with her because it's too much energy going out for me to convince her that it's all okay and feels good. And we are only using some vloggers and a bit of spanking and paddling, nothing heavy. I am this close to yelling at her to step into her damn power. Help. Yikes. Yeah. I I I feel like you Leigh's gotta stop until she gains just enough confidence
to at least allow things to happen. And and that's I think what it what it's coming down to here is somebody needs to to build their confidence. Mhmm. Paddles and floggers, mainly what they're using. I'm gonna make suggestion to you. This is I used to practice on a pillow with my floggers. And, those those poor pillows were flogged into submission time and time again. But it it's a way to to practice what you're doing,
not worry about hurting anybody Mhmm. And and get that practice building up the muscle memory so that you're you're more confident in what you're doing. Mhmm. You know, that that's that's one way to to look at this. The other, I think, would be, you know, start reading some books. Go And this is for this Dom, that's what she needs to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah. You know, get some books, read some books.
Are there workshops in your area that you can attend on power exchange and different dynamics? If not, can you find one virtual Mhmm. That you can that you can do? The the other thing that I'm I'm going to suggest that I think would be pretty applicable in in this instance. I I 1, I hope you're using a safe word, but 2, think about using the stoplight. Alright. So, you know, green, everything's good. Yellow, need to back off a little bit. Red, that's that's a stop.
So, you know, this this allows, you know, if if things do get, you know, a little out of control, you you've got the thing way to back it off. If not, you know, if if if your partner, if she's sitting there flogging you and spanging you and you're saying green, they know they're good to go and keep going. And I would think that would be a confidence builder for the dom. If the moment you get nervous, instead of going, oh, no. What do I do? Just go, give
me a color. Mhmm. And if the bottom or the submissive is like green, then that is information that they need to keep going. The biggest difference though is that they have got to trust not just themselves, but their partner. Yes. Hell, yeah. It's bad enough if you don't trust yourself that you're you're are you doing it wrong? Are you gonna accidentally hurt somebody? Are you just too nervous?
But then if you don't trust your partner's enthusiasm, if they're telling you this is good, keep going, and you still don't feel like you can, you know, that that's yet another reason that probably everything needs to stop. We need a time out. There needs to be something going on outside of the scene before there's a scene again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree with that. Absolutely. You know that rather than than stopping mid stride, you know, the conversation needs to be had before.
Right. And I think Yeah. For the person asking the question, what do you do? If you have not already, and even if you have, maybe you find another way to do this, there's got to be conversations about this. And I think it is okay if you are direct and firm without being mean or insulting to go, your nerves are making this unpleasant for me. I cannot get into this because you were so nervous. So how can we help you be less nervous? And you can suggest the color light method.
And and all your dog has to do is literally just go give me a color. Ta da. Right? I think also that if so there are reasons to say for it out of a scene to stop a scene. I think it is okay if you were getting frustrated in the scene and you cannot enjoy it because your dom's nerves are messing with the vibe. It's okay to say for it and go, we just need to stop. This this just isn't working. You know? The the main reason we stop a scene is for pain, bad pain, danger, risk, you
know, something has gone wrong. Right. But I think it's okay to go. You your lack of confidence is is making this difficult. Mhmm. Because quite frankly, somebody's lack of confidence is what can get somebody hurt unintentionally. Right. Because you are too careful or you get upset with yourself that you're being so nervous and so then you go too hard
or just weird things can happen. When I was learning how to drive a 1000000 years ago, the people in my life who were teaching me how to drive were, like, actually being too cautious is that probably a little bit more dangerous than being too crazy out here on the road. And I don't think it's that dissimilar in kink. You can there is such a thing as too cautious. You can you just do weird stuff and people don't wanna play, and it is valid to not wanna play.
The other thing is, is this just a play situation, or is this a power exchange that you are in the process of negotiating? Because in a play situation, you can just go look. I like you. I wanna play with you, but I can't do this until you get some more under your belt or you get a little bit more security or you learn some things so you
are more confident. Yeah. If you're trying to negotiate a power exchange, I think you gotta put the brakes on that too until they know what that means, what that's, you know. Yeah. And if you're like, in the question, you would say, I don't think she understands the whole idea of a power exchange. Well, then let's let's pause because you're not getting what you need out
of this. They're being so nervous that it's probably not great for them either, and they don't understand what power exchange is. Like, there's a lot of learning, I think, that has got to go on Yeah. Before maybe you can get into this. I would say, normally, I'd say, you know what? If the power exchange part isn't there, but the kink is, the topping and bottoming is going well Mhmm. Keep doing it. Have fun. Focus on the fun. But if y'all are having fun, what are we doing here?
I I do. I think Yeah. It was so funny because when we got this question, I read it to you. I was like, actually, I wish the dom had written it. Yeah. So we could be like, look, here's what you need to go do. Mhmm. But in your case, as as the partner, show her this video, offer these suggestions. If she's willing to listen to you and let you kinda guide her path a little bit, then, you know,
offer these suggestions. If she's not a reader, but she is more of a listener, you know, there's audiobooks, podcasts, videos for people who but the the information is out there. What she may also need to do is go find some doms to talk to and find some communities. Right. And I and I was just gonna say, you know, that's something to look forward to,
like a a dominant roundtable. Mhmm. Many communities have, these these roundtables where, you know, one side they have, you know, dominance that all meet and talk, they have submissive round tables at the same you know, for on on the other side. So, you know, the this is something that they could seek out. And and, you know, at that point, freely talk about what's going on and what's happening and, you
know, what they're hoping to achieve. Mhmm. Another thing I thought about, you know, you're playing with vloggers and spanking with paddling, and I I love your suggestion. Go practice on something inanimate so you can't possibly hurt it. That will gain confidence. Right. The other thing might be to consider, and this depends on if you're willing and this is a sensation you like. Can you can you back off from toys and maybe she can just use her hand?
That is up to you as well. Like, if that's not a sensation you like or if that's not how you want to experience impact, you don't have to. But if that is something you are willing to do, it's entirely possible that that can also help her gain confidence because you hit once light and you go, oh, this wasn't the worst thing ever. Yeah. You hit again a little harder and it's a it's a more physicality where you are also feeling it, so you know what you're
feeling. With with your hand, you you kind of experience what the bottom is experiencing at the same time. You know? Yeah. Maybe not total, but You have an idea of it. I know as a as a person who is not going to hit anybody with anything, probably ever, when I hold a paddle and I feel like swinging, it makes me nervous because I don't really know what what I'm doing to the other person. I can't feel it in the same way I can feel the my hand, if you ever notice. I love to grab your button. Pat,
pat, pat. Yeah. But, that's because I Yeah. It's a very sensory thing. There's all kinds of reasons I like to do that to his butt, y'all. But, you're I'm not gonna pick up the paddle and tease you with the paddle in that way. 1, because I know that that paddle would be snatched out of my hand, and I would be reminded about who's the dom and who's the sub. That's a whole different conversation.
But on this weird level of where do I feel like I have the most control over what I'm physically doing, it's with my hand, not with an an extra object. And if y'all progressed maybe to paddles and floggers and skip the hand part, if you're willing, as the one who's gotta experience the sensation Mhmm. Back go back down to hand. And sometimes to move forward, you gotta take a step backwards.
Exactly. But quite frankly, at the end of the day, if you try to talk to your partner, if you try to offer solutions, if you if they watch this video, if they find community, and things don't change and ideally improve. Right? Mhmm. Why are we still here?
You know? The there are other opportunities and or if you are more miserable dealing with somebody else's nerves and it's not a relationship you want to cultivate long term, you know, you we try to be when you're in a relationship where you genuinely care for the other person and it's something you wanna try to make work, you you work with the things that they struggle with and you try to help them.
But they have to help themselves as well, and they have to be willing to kinda go outside their comfort zone to learn. Clearly, she's outside her comfort zone now, and kudos to her for trying. Right? Right. Sure. But there are there are other things that could be done. And the big one is if you're not already you've you know, when you get to the point you're close to yelling, to tell them to, like, do do better, you gotta we gotta get out of the
scene Mhmm. And have conversations when you're not trying to be bent over something and paddled. Right? Like, you gotta do it when everybody's, like, in a just a talking frame of mind, and you're not in a power exchange frame of mind, you're not in play frame of mind, whatever, so that you can have this conversation calmly. And say, this is this is killing it for me. This is not working. You know? And if you're willing, you say, I want to help
you through this. I want to to send you to the places that you can get the information, but we this has gotta change. And if she's not willing, then that's when you reassess what you're doing. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. I mean, you know, let every everybody has different comfort levels. You know, not everybody is going to be as extreme Mhmm. In their kinks, and, you know, some people just, you know, light hand spanking and they're good. Right. You know, it it it is a whole whole spectrum.
You know, will will will this person get up to your level? Don't know. It's gonna be And do they even want to? Right. It is entirely possible that they're trying to do this for you to make you happy, and it's not authentic to them. Right. And that that's a a harder thing to navigate because, again, you have to assess, is this a relationship I really want and I'm trying to make work, and can we find
a middle ground? So, yeah, I think there needs to be some communication going on about what both of you want and how you think you can get there. But instead of getting yourself to the point of frustration that you were like, ah, set aside some time Yep. To just talk about the state of your relationship without it being in scene or in a heads like, a specific kink headspace. Like, just sit down as equals and just talk it out. Yep. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
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