You're listening to loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lortz here with the one, the only, the man who is as podcast. Kayla Lourdes here with the one, the only, the man who is as bleary eyed as I am, John Brownstone. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's already been a long day. And for us, as a time of recording, it's only 10:30 in the morning. It's fine. We we've kept our good humor. That's all that matters. Mhmm. That's not what we're talking about this week.
This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who feels ready to try DS with their dominant partner, but the don hasn't responded to even their direct requests for more. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never
miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer one of your questions in an upcoming episode, you can send your question to us, through our contact page that's literally labeled ask your questions. That's available in the show notes, of this episode, or you can find it on our website at lovingBDSM.net. Okay. Let's get into the question. I'm 28 and I'm just figuring out that I want
slash need a dominant partner. I've been kind of kinky in past relationships mostly hair pulling, choking, light spanking, wrist tied to ankles, but that has never been enough for me. Me. I'm now realizing what I'm wanting slash needing because I met my first Dom. But is he my Dom? We met on a dating app. I had a kinky clip of a chain choker or whatever it's called on my profile, and he had d s on his. We both knew that the other was kinky, and I was excited about that.
It's been two months since we met. He's acknowledged he wants a nesting partner. He currently has one play partner that he has scenes with once a week. I've done so much reading and watching videos that I feel ready to be, quote, introduced to something other than hair pulling and such. We've had sex a few times. We've tried shibari, which I love, but I'm still waiting to see his dom side come out. I'm anxiously waiting for him
to make the first move. I've asked him point blank what's something we can do to slowly introduce me into what you like as a dom. I've never gotten a straight answer, and nothing has come from it. I'm starting to wonder if he's a dom, or is the connection we had gone or is he just being hesitant slash super fucking slow with me or something else? I want to be a sub. I need my Dom to make the decisions, to give me tasks, rules, etcetera.
I want to give him control of aspects of my life so I don't have to think or worry about everything anymore. I can just have a few things on my mind like work, vanilla friends and family and what I wantneed and consent to. I need a Dom who will support and guide me to be better and to not let my mind consume me all the time. I want to be able to focus on him and his needs when I'm not working. I need a Dom to help ground me, make me be in the moment, help me become who I want and am meant to
be. I've questioned who I am all my life, and I think this is what I've been needing. How can I help him acknowledge and believe me when I say I'm ready? How can I tell him that I need him to start being dominant because that's what I want and need at this point? I've done the research, and I wanna slowly start a DS relationship. I know we need to start small. What is something I can suggest to him that could truly initiate a new dynamic or a dynamic at all?
I I I just wanna start by saying that I I I like the fact that she seems to know what They. We don't know their name. What they want. Mhmm. And, you know, that that in and of itself is is a good thing. Mhmm. Because not many people do. But, what she's trying to achieve with this person, I'm just gonna rip the band aid off. It doesn't sound like he's interested. Or able or willing Or willing. Yeah. Anything. Yes. Right. Yes. I agree. You know, it it's one of those things.
You you you talk about, you know, you you're wanting him to step up and and and show his mom. If he hasn't done that after all this talking and and things and, you know, and what you wanna experience and what you wanna do and and what you're, you know, willing to give back, it it's not looking good. No. I mean, I if you had not said in your question, I point blank directly asked, said, whatever, that would be the first thing I'd say
is how direct have you been. If you've been direct and this is now going on for, like, more than a couple of conversations, I agree with you completely. Mhmm. Now, depending on how optimistic you personally are, maybe you try one more time. You say, look, I'm ready for a power exchange with you. I would like to explore this with you. Mhmm. You know, let's talk, like, details. How can we make this happen? And then you pay
attention to their response. If their response is anything like you've already gotten in the past, which is maybe some vague promises, maybe some explicit promises, and then nothing, then you know. Because here's the thing, there's nothing you need to quote do to get somebody to do something. You should be able to say, hey. This is a thing that we have a mutual interest in and I would like to explore it with you. And then they should be like, hey. Let's talk about it. Let's try it.
And if they're hesitant or nervous or don't quite feel ready, then they need to use their grown up voice and tell you that. Because that's the thing. Even if this person can be cajoled or, you know, push into being your dom, do you want a dom who is incapable of telling you that they are feeling hesitant, that they are not quite ready? Great communication skills immediately from from the get go. It is a skill we all have to learn. Right.
Learn in practice. Right. A dom that you want to lead you in the way that you describe to take the amount of weight off of you that you describe has to come into it with some level of being able to say, hey. This works. Hey. I don't want this. Hey. Let's talk about it. Something. Right now, you are not describing somebody who wants to be in a power exchange with you in the the way you describe that you want a power exchange. Does that mean that they've been
faking it all along? I don't know. Does that mean that it's an incompatibility and what you want is not something they can give? I don't know. But maybe that's often very likely where it started out, like, really interested and everybody was like, oh, this would be great. And then the more you start getting into details and talking more about what each person wants, somebody goes, oh, wait.
Maybe this isn't what I want. Right. It's also possible that, you know, this is a person, because this happens, who uses the language of kink to get easy sex and doesn't actually want the responsibility of the power exchange part. So only you can decide if you've already had enough conversations and it's time to just cut it off, or if you wanna try one more time, but I wouldn't give more than one more time. Yeah. You
Not at all. You have to come to a point where you say, you know, how much am I willing to to to wait on this with this person? Mhmm. Mhmm. You know? And that that's something you have to think about. And the thing to remember is this is not the only one. It might have taken a while to find this person, but they are not the only one. There are other people out there who are capable of being the dominant you
want and need. And it is much better to let an incompatible or a not good or a something that's not great about this person go And go and wait to find the person who can give you what you need and is willing to grow with you and learn with you. And maybe they don't come into it being exactly what you need, but they're willing to learn new things and try new things because they want the relationship to work. You've not mentioned anything in here that tells me that this dom is like, oh yeah,
I'm invested in the relationship. I'm I, you know, might not know what I'm doing, but I'm I'm showing up and I'm here. I I see I you know, and that's the other thing I would say, and this is the thing that came to mind, and this is not the main point. I think the main point is exactly what you said at the beginning. It doesn't seem like there's anything here. You can't make somebody do the thing you need
to do. No, you can't. But the thing the the secondary possible thing that came to mind is you're waiting to see his dom side come out. Is it possible that the dom side you're looking for is not his type of dom? He, in his mind, thinks he's being his dominant self, and it doesn't vibe with you. That doesn't make you wrong. That doesn't make him wrong. It goes back to an incompatibility. Right. Like, if you have you know, I'm impressed that you have a very clear idea of
what you would like as a submissive. I'm curious as to how you picture a dominant being in your head. If there is a caricature of, you know, this is what a dominant is, and that's part of how you see being able to be the submissive you want to be, it is entirely possible that you are missing the signs of that person's dominance because it does not align with how you, you know, you picture it in your head. I don't think, like, that my first instinct is not that that's what this is.
My first instinct is, you've got a a person who is not clearly communicating, who is not following up, who is not you're you're asking point blank and they're just not giving it to you. And so, you know, this is not a a thing that's going any further than wherever you're at right now. That's my first instinct. But Mhmm. On the off chance that it's not that, maybe it's this other. There's just a a mismatch of Yeah. How each of you sees dominance and you're not reading his dominance as
being, you know, impactful for you. And it it doesn't seem, at at least from what was was written in the question, I I don't really seem to get the feeling that this person is new to DS, you know. You mean the dominant? Yeah. Yeah. No. I didn't get that feeling. You know, especially since they have a play partner, you know, that they they meet with. So from from the outside with what we've, you know, been given, it doesn't even seem like they say, well, he's new and and does
not Right. Know he needs to learn, but that does not seem to be the case either. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. The the thing to keep in mind is you don't have you should not have to help a potential or an actual partner acknowledge and believe you when you say something. Mhmm. They might still wanna go slow. They might be hesitant, but you don't have to twist yourself in the knots to go, hey. See me. Believe
me. They need to be for it to be a partner that's, you know, gonna have some staying power in a relationship you want, they need to be in it with you and be like, okay. You know, I still have my concerns. I'm still uncertain, but you're ready to go? Let's go. Let's talk about it. There should be some similar type of enthusiasm with you to get started on something, and you can't make that
happen. And quite frankly, if you are not seeing a similar level of enthusiasm and we are not talking outward enthusiasm, but, like, willingness to, like, let's go in. Let's do this. I think that's the you're that's the message that you've gotta pay attention to. Because why do you want a partner that you have to drag into this with you? That you have to convince that you're ready. That you have to convince to be their dominant self. Yeah. I I just I think that's Mhmm.
That's setting you up for heartbreak and disappointment. And whether it's an irresponsible dom or just an incompatible dom, it's not fair to either of you. And and, you know, I'm I'm reading this rereading this one part and it's kinda sticking out. You know, I'm starting to wonder if he is a dom or he just wants to take it slow. That tells me one thing. There's no communication coming from the other side. Right. Right. You should not be having to
wonder about these things. You should be able to ask questions and And get an answer. And get an answer. Right. It might be a little stumbling. It might not be as confident as it one day could be with, you know, growing these skills. Well, you should get an answer. There shouldn't be a lot of wondering what the other person is thinking. And this might not be fair to to the doms of the world, but especially coming from the dom. The dom gets to be in charge and have the power and
have the control and have the responsibility. So the responsibility is on that dom to be able to at least say, this is who I am. This is what I want. Yes. I can do this with you. No. I can't do that with you. Like, the bay that's bare minimum basics, especially if they're out there advertising themselves as a dom. I understand a partner, like, you're in a a non kink relationship and go, oh, we're gonna switch this over to kink and having a partner who will be the dom but has
no skills, never done this. I am more forgiving of their communication hesitation than somebody who is out here proclaiming themselves a dom. Well, that that carries a certain responsibility with it. You don't get to call yourself a dom and then not do any of the dom things that are your responsibility as the dom. Like, just no. Especially when you've cleared like, normally, we're begging subs to please communicate. Please use your
words. Say the thing you want. And this person sounds like they have. So I don't have a lot of tolerance or patience for a self proclaimed dom who can't at least give some of that back and be direct and use their big boy words. Like, no. Not okay. So I think ultimately what we're saying is maybe one more conversation. If you were just like me and that eternal optimist and you wanna know that you gave it your all, one more. But if not,
I think you know. I think you can see the writing on the wall and maybe you're just, like, not ready to have to admit it. You know? Because it it's it's hard and it sucks and you want a relationship with somebody and you know? But, yeah, I don't know that I would waste much more time No. On this at all if I were you. Agreed. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingBDSM.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super
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