You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the I can't find anything snarky to say about you. Must be your lucky day, John Brownstone. The snarky things I could say, I'm not gonna say because I'm not I mean, I'm a bitch, but I'm not that kind of a bitch. And I'm not gonna tease you about things that I know you would not wanna be teased about. I'm not gonna do it. Well, I appreciate that. Will I make sure that you know that I could have
Oh, I do. Not to? Of course. Of course. Absolutely. And and probably, you know, knowing you, when the lights go off and the microphones dim, you know, or the lights dim and the microphone's off What? You know, then you'll, regale me with your I won't tease you, but I'll tell you what I'm not choosing not to tease you about. And you'll be proud of me for having that much self
control. Okay? Okay. Anyway, you know, in a, in a weird way, that, that conversation kind of, sort of maybe relates to today's question. A baby girl is struggling to let herself embrace her caregiver little, power exchange with her partner as a parent to teenagers and is, like, looking for a little guidance. As a parent to a teenager and a 20 year old, I feel like we've we've run that gauntlet, so hopefully we can help. Yeah.
Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. Also, whatever podcast app you're using, if you could leave a rating, a review, whatever it's called, if you enjoy this, we would love it. That helps other kinksters find us. And if you have a, question that you'd like us to answer, I did indeed get the page working again.
I have checked it on multiple browsers. There should be a box on the contact page, the ask your questions page, where you put in your information, and you put in your question. And it's supposed to come to me. Now that still remains to be seen. I'm figuring it out. But there is a box now. You've you've been quite the web guru lately. So freaking exhausted. Oh, let's talk about something else. Anyway, you can find that link in the show notes or at lovingbdsm.net. Okay. Here we go. I grew up in
a religious family. And while I fully enjoy being a baby girl, I'm having a hard time doing it full time. I want to because of the stigma of the life style. My daddy and I have teenagers at home, and I pull away from my daddy when they're home for fear of judgment. I'm using your podcast as homework to learn. Daddy and I then have conversations about what I heard and how it affects our relationship.
I was wondering if you guys had an episode where you addressed how having children around plays into a DDLG relationship that's twenty four seven. Yes. We do. Yep. Most of what we've talked about in the past and probably what we'll talk about today is about DS relationships in general. Mhmm. And we will link to everything we've ever recorded, whether on YouTube, or for the podcast in the places so you can go listen to those. Some are very old episodes. Yeah. I think the first
time we ever talked Kids were young. Yeah. The first time we ever talked about being parents while being kinky, I wanna say we were still in double digit, episode numbers. I believe so. And for anybody who doesn't know, for the podcast, we are up to 460 something. And I wanna say Word. And I wanna say So that was a long time ago. We might have done an one of the updates, when when we were in, around 2019. Yes. And we have we have to has multiple conversations because this comes up
a lot. Yeah. A lot a lot. So while we will try to gear what we're talking about specific to caregiver little, and I can certainly think of some things that might be specific to that that might come up for parents of teenagers. We'll also sort of talk more generally about some things. What are some thoughts that come to mind for you? Well, you know, one of I think one of the first things that come to mind is if you can plan an escape.
You know, if you can get away for a weekend overnight, something like that. But, that's just short term. Yeah. That doesn't help the day to day for sure. No. But, you know, long term for day to day, you're gonna have to look for ways that are subtle. That means something between two of you. You know, it it could be even something like in the evening if you're sitting on the sofa and, you know, you're snuggling. Alright. I mean, that's just a would seem a normal thing, but to you
it would have more meaning. Especially if there's a certain way you're sitting together, if there's something that your daddy dom does or says to initiate Mhmm. If there are expectations that your partner has of you as the submissive of how you're supposed to behave during that time. All of those things are discussed and planned outside of the hearing of children of any age. Yeah. And then when you're doing them, it looks like snuggling on the couch. Mhmm. But it it has meaning to you that
you're not talking about. You've already had the meaning when you're behind closed doors again and the kids aren't around, but you're doing this thing together What that nobody's gonna look at funny. What are the little things that y'all do day to day that maybe you don't even think about, but have some sort of meaning to your power exchange. Or could have some sort of meaning to your power exchange. Or could. Exactly. And and, you know, build from those. Build from there.
Mhmm. I mean, it's, you know, anytime we talk to parents who are just trying to have any kind of power exchange while they have children running around their house and needing their attention, that is the thing we say is you're gonna find things that work with the dynamic you have that don't look like anything suspicious to your children or family visiting or vanilla friends or whoever.
And you're gonna do what look like normal things but you are going to add the layer of meaning on top of it so that you know and your partner knows that while you're doing these things this is because of your power exchange and but nobody's gonna question anything. Now let's talk about the fact that you call your partner daddy, and I'm having a moment of, oh, is this part of the problem with teenagers? Because
see Mhmm. When you've got little kids, babies, and little little ones, it is very common for one parent to refer to the other parent in the way that their child refers to them when you're talking to them or about them. So, you know, you might say, oh, daddy said blah blah blah. And the the your kid's like, yeah. That's my daddy. And you're like, that's my daddy too. And it it doesn't nobody knows. But there might come a point where they don't refer to your partner as daddy. Or Mhmm. In our case,
JB is the stepparent. So my the children never called him daddy. So if I had started calling him daddy to them in front of them, there would have been questions. Mhmm. So whether it's a it's sort of the the they've never seen your partner as that figure or they only use that term and you only felt safe to use that term when they were very young and now here they're teenagers and you got questions and how am I supposed to do this, this is when you're probably gonna get creative
as well. Mhmm. So I got lucky in that it was never an issue of, oh, darn. I can't call JB daddy or I won't. It's not can't. I choose not to in front of the kids. What
will I do? We have this, and I think it's a southern thing, but maybe it's something people do in other parts of the country and the world, where if you are an adult in a child's life and there's a there's some kind of family connection or relationship connection, it's very common to use Mr. Miss whatever and then their first name to not go so formal as to be like a last name like you would with a teacher. So the kids met JB as Mr. Zhang, and they have only ever called him Mr.
Zhang. And so I got to call him Mr. Zhang because I did that parent thing of calling him by the name that the kids would call him and talking about him like that and talking to him like that. That's true. And it became an honorific because it's got mister at the front, and it's a little bit more formal. Plus, also, I hate saying his actual name. That makes me wanna gag.
Over time, as I helped him develop the online persona that is John Brownstone, and I got teased by my online friends for always calling him John Brownstone because that was like another title because I then I didn't have to say his first name all by itself. Hate that. I've now shortened it to JB. JB, I can comfortably call him that in front of anybody, and they can tell it's a nickname even if they don't know why or how.
Or what it is. Yeah. Right. So this is another place you're gonna wanna get creative. What are some things that you could refer to your partner as that the kids might look. Teenagers are gonna look at you funny no matter what. I think that's just what they do. They're gonna question everything you do. I think it's fair to be like, I don't wanna call my partner daddy. I don't wanna necessarily be my full baby girl slash little self
around the kids. I think that's okay regardless of the stigma and regardless of the other things you're overcoming, to be comfortable with yourself as a kinkster, there's a layer that you got to decide for yourself of what's okay and what's not that you're gonna do in front or not do in front of your own children. Right? And so this is where it's like, okay do do you have a nickname that maybe you don't use all the time, but the kids
wouldn't clock? Or is there a nickname you can start using that the kids might think it's funny or, silly or why is mom doing that? And and when they ask, you go, it's just a private joke between us. You know? Don't worry about it. If you make it a big deal, they'll definitely wanna know.
Oh. Depending on how your kids are, I was I'm grateful that our kids are the type who the moment you even mentioned that we might be fully formed human beings who can be intimate with one another, with no details, just the fact that we could, they they nope out. They don't Mhmm. If your kids are like that, then all you have to do is go, oh, it's like it's a private thing. I do, you know, with Yeah. Now you gotta know your kids' personalities and what they're gonna react to.
So, you know, are they a coach? Are they a doctor? Are they do they have a title outside of your relationship that there's relationship that there's context for why your kids might hear it and not clock it that you can start referring to your partner as, and it becomes this honorific. Now I'm trying to think of other because you were not specific about what it is that you're uncomfortable, doing or saying or portraying yourself as in front of your teenagers.
And so, one, I have to ask you to think to yourself, is it the idea that you know that everything you're doing is now kinky because it's now a power exchange? And so there's this feeling that shouldn't everybody on the outside looking in notice it too, and won't they have questions? Most of the time, even our nosy kids, not really, nosy kids will usually be satisfied with I'm really happy with your dad, your mom, your whoever. Right? We're, you know,
we're making time for another. Especially with teenagers, it's not hard to have conversations like, hey. Me and mister John, we need to have time to just be together and and sustain our relationship. We love one another, and so part of that is doing things together and having these moments that are child free. And we just kinda lay it out for them, and they've always gone, okay. Okay. Stop making me think about you two as, like, actual people who do things that
yeah. Yeah. You. Right. The more you tense up and assume that, you know, people in your life are noticing things and questioning things, the more they will notice and and question because now you're uncomfortable. If it's because I went through this a little bit. If any part of your discomfort is, okay. Before we found this lifestyle, before we figured out caregiver little, and you as, in this case, the baby girl, you know, I I behaved a certain way because that's just what I how I was and what
I thought I was supposed to do. And now here I am and there are times when my baby girl's side comes out. I- if there's any discomfort to that, I recognize that because my kids saw me as the very stressed, rushed, trying to keep it together, didn't know what the hell she was doing, but I didn't laugh a lot. I wasn't being silly. I didn't I didn't behave in what I consider sort of my more baby girl way because life
didn't allow that. So once I was in a relationship where the baby girl side was free to just be there, good and bad, did the kids look at me funny at first? Sure. Because they never seen their mom just act like something other than a mom, something other than a stressed out freaked out mom. And so on the rare occasions, they finally kinda went, what what's what's up with you? What the hell is wrong with you? I was like, if that was my silly baby girl side,
I'd go, I'm just happy. I'm just having a good time. Time. There's no need to tell them about the relationship that brought this side out of me, and now I get to be a baby girl to my daddy dom who loves me. Like, they don't need all that. They just need to know I'm happy. I'm I'm having a good time. The whining, pouting side of me, they were older before I let them see that because I was not trying to instill bad habits in my children by behaving in ways I didn't want them to behave.
I I the first couple times they saw me be a baby girl in that way without knowing it. They don't know who and what I am in that way. It was appropriate to the moment, so they were having the same reaction, and we they just all thought we were all disappointed together. And that's kind of the thing. You know, if part of it is how you behave as a baby girl
outside of, like, the kink aspect. Right? But just like your your behavior and your personality, I I believe most of the time, if your kids know because you've told them or can sense that you're happy and you're you're just being yourself, I mean, they might ask snarky questions, but that's just what teenagers do. And you are will never be under any obligation to tell them why you're doing things differently or behaving differently.
Hell, Let's say, as a baby girl, maybe there are things that you like to do that would come under, air quote, childlike activities, little activities, things that littles stereotypically do. I promise you the I mean, I'm not one much for coloring, but when I get the, you know, the desire to do it, I'll be doing it sitting on the, couch in the living room. And inwardly, I'm like, do do do do do. Look at me. This is great. Mhmm. Outwardly, I'm just their mom sitting on the couch
coloring. And if one of the kids asked, what are you doing? I just go, I'm coloring. They don't need a description of why I'm doing anything or what the context is. And most of the time, they don't freaking care anyway. The other thing I would say is if it is the fact that your teenagers might catch you doing activities that have meaning to you but are seem outside of your character, can your partner run interference? Hey. Leave mom alone. She needs some time to do a thing.
Hey. She's she's relaxing right now and she's unwinding. It's been real stressful. It doesn't have to even be fucking true, except we live in this world in the year of our lord 2026. What are any of us doing to unwind and relax. Right? And who cares what that looks like as long as it's not harming others? So, you know, part of it as a parent is thinking in your head, how will I explain this in ways that are child appropriate. Right? That do not cross boundaries that don't need to be crossed.
The other thing is, doing things that are subtle. And yes. They might be out of character and I truly if your kids have the capacity to understand and most most children have the capacity at fairly young ages, simple explanations are fine. I'm doing this because I'm happy. I'm trying something new. You know,
me and your dad, your stepdad. Me and mister John decided we wanted to do something different in our relationship and that is has nothing to do with power exchange, but maybe it's why you're happy or why why you call him a new nickname now or and look. I'm not one who'll usually tell you to lie to your children, but, hell, for those of us who raised our children on Santa, we've been lying since day one. Right? And I think it's okay to go, oh, I call your dad this nickname because we think it's
funny. That might not be it. That's not why you're doing it. You're doing it because you're like, I need to be connected to my most basic kink self, and this makes me feel my baby girl self, and I'm in my headset mindset, and we can do things. It makes him feel like the daddy, and that's really all we yeah. We know that's the internal thing going on. The words you say to your children are, because it's like a per an inside joke. Yeah. That's not the outside voice.
You know? I mean, come on. That's the other thing. I think many of us overcomplicate explanations to our kids. There are so many concepts we've had to explain to our children over their life that we've kept simple because they were kids. Right? And maybe we waited till they were old enough to ask follow-up questions. You can keep these things simple too. Truly, truly, truly. Mhmm. But the big thing is, you know, you talk about growing up religious. You're talking about the stigma.
That makes me think that you are waiting for the people around you, especially your children, to clock the meaning of something even if your actions are, you know, aren't overt, aren't you know, you're doing things appropriately, keeping kink away from your kids and behind closed doors, and the stuff you're doing in front of them or saying in front of them has meaning, but they don't know that
meaning. And are you just waiting for them to go, I bet this means something, or please tell me in great detail, mom, what this means. Right? That's another thing is you get to practice having boundaries with your children. There are some things we just I told my kids straight up. I was like, when we were doing the, sex conversations and the and absolutely the lesson on we do not kink shame, we're not yucking on
anybody's yum. Right. And I we did an episode on this, how we explained kink to kids without ever using the word kink or BDSM. I just lost my thought. Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, shit. I was going somewhere with that. I was going somewhere with that. Oh. About having talking about boundaries. You. I got there. So when we're having those conversations and I'm explaining things to them, they would jokingly ask personal questions, and I would seriously go, no. I'm not telling you that.
You're not old enough to know that. That. That's a thing I don't wanna share with you. Mhmm. They might push a little bit because that's how our kids operate. They don't if they can push, they don't push. But, you know, once I said, no. I'm serious. This is my boundary. They backed off. They left it alone. And that's okay to say that to your kids. Absolutely. And, you know, really, in a way, it's kinda good
that they're asking. If they're asking, yes. You know, if they're if they're asking like that anything, you know, that's a good thing because then they're they're, you know, feel safe enough with you to say anything like that. Mhmm. Yeah. And that really is a good sign. Yeah. It it really truly is. It's uncomfortable as shit. Yeah. But Oh my god. Sitting around the dining room table, we're eating dinner. Somebody thinks they're gonna fluster mom by asking me a question about
sex. And I'm like, honey. I've been writing about sex for a long time. So and I then give them the age appropriate response. They could not decide if they wanted the earth to swallow them up or if it was hilarious. Usually they went to the this is hilarious side and they would ask they were trying to get me uncomfortable, so they were actually
asking deeper questions for that reason. But the moment I got serious and mom like with them about my own boundaries or what I would and would not share with them, they they were fine. Because thankfully, not gonna wanna raise some respectful fucking kids who understand consent. And assuming that your kids are, you know, respectful and it's a happy, loving, mostly great relationship that you have, you know, you saying, we're not gonna talk about this. I'm this is not a conversation
I'm having with you. It's not appropriate. They might not like it, but they'll be okay. But that's the thing I want you to clock. Is it the calling your partner daddy and not wanting your kids to hear? I think that's fair. There are workarounds. You just have to be real creative, and you'll have to train yourself to use a different word and think of that different word in the way that may it's like to
me, it's second best to daddy. Daddy is for when I'm crazy comfortable in an adult only setting and or when we are a 100% by ourself and Yeah. And all of the, oh, we have to behave like, you know, parents right now. All that's gone and and we're free to be exactly who we are. All the adulting. Right. So think about that. Is it the term? Is it that the only thing y'all have that y'all have negotiated in your power exchange, specifically this kind of dynamic but any power exchange,
is very overtly kinky. Well, now it's time to think about what can you do that looks like, and I air quote this term, I hate this term, normal behavior, but it's meaningful to you. The kids don't question when I make JB's coffee every day. They assume I just make coffee better than him. They're right, but they don't they don't ask. The one time they asked, you know, mom, why are you doing that for mister John? I said, because it makes me happy to do it
for him. That is actually a true answer, has nothing to do with our power exchange. And they went, oh, okay, and moved on. Right? So think about the activities. And then also think about are you walking around nervous because you know what something means and it's that feeling of everybody knows I'm doing something different and everybody is gonna wonder why I'm doing most of the time they're not. Unless it is so far outside of your personality that everybody's like,
is this a body snatcher situation? What has happened to you? You might have to have some conversations, but keep it to, you know, this is I'm I'm happy and I do these things because I'm happy. Or, like, in the case of maybe you do little air quote that little activities that the stereotypical stuff are not, it's because it makes you happy. It's because it relaxes you. Right? How much interference can your partner run when you're maybe when you're doing those activities? And
it does look weird. Think about those things and prep for the questions your kids might ask. Prep for them ahead of time, Basic answers that don't go into detail that they don't need would be inappropriate for them to have, whatever. And I you know, it's it is easier than most people realize to have a power change twenty four seven even in front of other people. The thing I tell all parents, you have teenagers, so one, you've already run that gauntlet,
and you know what I'm talking about. But for other parents out there or soon to be parents, your power exchange kink life is like every other fucking part of your life once small children come into your life. All of that slows to a fucking crawl and you don't get nearly enough of it that you want. I I didn't read an actual full length novel for ten fucking years after I became a parent. Who the fuck had time and and Mhmm. Brainpower for that. Right?
So it sucks, and you'll have to be creative and you'll have to be really intentional and mindful about how you get your time and your power exchange. But it is you're not failing at power exchange if the stage that your child is at or the needs of your child, because not every child is on the air quote typical developmental path. Some children need you as their parent and caregiver their whole life or extra at certain parts like whatever.
It you know, you it is not it's not weird to not have the time for it, and it is difficult to find and make the time. But it is also normal to be like, I can't do anything that I like to do at this stage of life with this child, whether they're a screaming infant or they're a pouting, I hate everything eight year old. Oh, I hated the I hate eights. That was a those were bad years. I hate it. I hate it. I hate this too, child.
Anyway, so those, you know, those different stages and parts of your life, you have to negotiate the raising a child and keeping them alive and every other part of your life. This is not any different. You're not failing at power exchange if the different stages of childhood get in your way, of parenting get in your way. So, yeah, just keep that in mind. It's tough when you're a parent and you're trying to do this, but it is possible. You you have to be real freaking creative.
Look. We have to be creative as parents. The Yeah. The random shit I've said and done as a parent. Things like nobody prepares you. Nobody prepares you to be like, actually, no. We're not gonna put every single Hot Wheel you own into your backpack and schlep that to school today. That's not what we're doing today. No. We're not gonna hide our DS under our shirt, also kind of in our pants, and think I didn't notice the big rectangular torso you now have.
Other things that I will not put on this podcast that our hilarious parents would get it, but, you know, not gonna say that publicly. But y'all know. Anybody who's a parent, y'all know. Y'all know the weird shit. Right? This is just another thing to navigate. Those moments that will live in infamy. Mhmm. And as y'all can tell from the length of this episode, I can wax rhapsodic about this. But, yeah, those are the things specific to
caregiver, little dynamic. Yeah. You know, just go through all those things I've already said five times. And as a parent of in any dynamic, if it's tough and you don't have enough time for it and you're like, when do I get to be my best dumb, sub, switchy self? That that is the eternal question we're all asking ourselves as parents, which all are. So Yeah. Anything you wanna add? Nope. So there you go. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinksters, you can do
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