You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lorts here with the one, the only. The for a second, I thought you were borderline grumpy, but then you kinda chuckled and I went, oh, okay. He's he's being a little grumpy polar bear, but he's still mostly my JB, John Brownstone. Like, it all that happened in nanoseconds in my brain. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Because because we were talking about setup and whatever, and you were, like, a little bit, you know Gruff?
Biting my head off. Yes. No. That no. That was just being gruff. No. See If I was biting your head off, you would know it. I'm sorry. My personal childhood trauma and, whatever spicy brain I have do we do not think that is cross. No. Alright. Anyway Anyhoo, that's not why we're here. That's no. But that is what happened. And I processed all of that very quickly is all I'm saying. Okay. Anyway. Yeah. You're right. That is not why we're here.
We're here to answer a question from a submissive who has consented to free use with their dom, but their dom isn't initiating and they don't know quite how to get things moving forward. Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast your favorite podcast app so
you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these episodes, we have a contact page called literally ask your questions. I try to be real clear about it, on our website at loving BDSM.net. That's loving BDSM dot net, or you should be able to find the link in the show notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get into it. My husband and I have been together for around 2 years. We started our relationship with me as a
dom and him as my submissive. We have both been in the lifestyle for the best part of 10 years. However, over time, we realized that we fit into the alternate role much easier, and so he is now my daddy dom. To begin with, we engaged in our mutual loves of bondage, tickling, free use, and cockwarming. Recently life has been doing its thing and we've not engaged in much kink. We've had many in-depth conversations about how initiating is what now one of his responsibilities, but still to no avail.
Recently, he has asked for more scenes, but I don't know how to explain again that if he wants free use, he just has to do it. And if he wants head, he needs to ask for it. How do I explain this when my previous attempts have been unsuccessful? Wow. Yeah. That is, It's interesting. Right? Because it makes sense for a person who, you know, was raised right and is like, wait. You don't just
take without asking. Mhmm. And for somebody who probably understands consent very much in kink, and you've been going through it in life and things have gotten in the way to have a hesitation. Like, I understand that hesitation to free use more than I understand anything else. That makes complete sense to me. True. But it's now it's like, okay. But how do we undo some of that? How do we get what it is we want?
And what are your thoughts? Well, you know, I I think one of the things that that jumped out at me initially in this was, you know, that, where is it? You know, as because he's now in charge, you know, he needs to be the one to initiate. And and you know what? To a certain extent, that is true. But even like you, with your, you know, limited Yeah. You got 30 seconds of me of initiation and I'm done. There there are times that you initiate. I Just just to show that you're, you
know, hey, Right. I send up the flag. I'm like, hey, I'm interested. You should do whatever comes next, but here yeah. You know, and and sometimes that helps because, you know, I I know for myself I can get wrapped up in life. Yo, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. And, you know, when especially if if there's, you know, stuff going on and I I put my head down and and start digging in Mhmm. It, be a while before I come up
for air. Right. You will forget that fuckery even exists, and that you want to do it, let alone whether I wanna do it. Right. Right. So, you know, sometimes having that that, you know, not not that it takes very much, sometimes it's just a matter of sending up the bat signal, you know? Truly, if I just touch your neck in a remotely nonthreatening way, you're you're you're done. You know what I
mean. Right. Right. So, you know, you know, technically, yes, you know, your your daddy dom is in charge, but it does not mean that you, you know, don't have to initiate. Or that you can't initiate. The only time you couldn't initiate is if you have somehow negotiated that you will never Right. Initiate. And if that's the case, then you, 1, you might wanna rethink that. But 2, then if if if not, and if that's what you've got, then you're gonna have to find other ways. I Yeah.
I think, you know, at the end of the question, they're saying, okay. We have talked about this. We've had in-depth conversations. I think it's not about saying the same exact thing in slightly different ways over and over again, which is easy to get stuck in when you're trying to communicate the point. I think it's now time to show your daddy dom that he can do these things. So I had some thoughts about this because I was like, okay. So how do you go from telling somebody to showing somebody?
So I like exactly what you said. Even if it's just a few seconds, it's like one little kiss on the neck. It's one little whatever signal works for y'all Right. Where you show your interest, and that's it. That's I think that's a a wonderful way to do it. Mhmm. Another way, especially if we're talking about free use and especially if there is any amount of
could be discomfort. I would expect that for somebody who's new to free use, or just a a lack of practice because it's been a while because life did what life does. Life and yeah. One thing to consider is and you're gonna have to talk about this and set this up with each other and negotiate this, but set aside time where you both mentally know
it's it's time when fuckery could happen. Now because free use free use sometimes means for some people that when the dom wants what the dom wants, they just take it and you could be, like, in the kitchen. You could be in the living room. You could be folding laundry.
But sometimes it just means when it's an appropriate time for you based on your life and your relationship, then we might do something, and it'll be up to your dom to initiate that and just do what they wanna do within your boundaries. So if that's not happening organically, plan time. You don't have to necessarily plan the scene if what you want is for your partner just to do what he wants to do within your known boundaries. Instead of, like, planning out the scene together, just say,
hey. Friday night after 8 o'clock, whatever happens, happens. Right? This is our time. And that way, your partner can have it in his mind of, hey, this is a time I that's set aside for this. If it works for us, if everybody's feeling good, I know I have this time coming up. I can do what I want. It's now maybe top of
mind. Yeah. Another thing that I was thinking about earlier when I read this question was the idea that this is more for somebody who may be very new to for use, but I think it's a good reminder, is that reminding your partner and maybe reminding yourself of this, that free use doesn't necessarily mean that your partner can't ask, hey, are you down for this first?
If it is a question of discomfort, not wanting to interrupt you, not wanting to hit you in a wrong moment and come at you at a time when you're not really ready, you know, picking activity, you can do a bit of a check-in with one another. Your partner can ask a question in a sexy or dominant or whatever whatever way. You can have a mutually agreed upon signal, sort of like initiating contact where you kinda let your partner know, hey. I'm down for whatever you wanna do tonight.
And that might be the way to make sure that what your dom's what to make sure that what is happening is that your dom's not uncomfortable with, wait. Should I be be doing this right now? Is now a good time? So for dom's out there who are engaging in free use, yes, one way of doing free use is just take what you want when you want it. No words, just vibes. Like, sure. Sure. But I think in reality, for a lot more people, there are even just subtle check
ins. JB always starts by touching me in a place that he knows should turn me on. And if I do not respond as if I am turned on I know it ain't going nowhere. Right. Or if my immediate response is, I love you so much. My head hurts so bad. He knows. Right? So he's gonna still get consent. He's gonna make sure that this is a time when it works. He's not gonna, like especially if we're engaging in actual sex and not just, you know, a kinky
scene. He's gonna make sure before body body part touches body part that I I'm even down for it. Because the thing about free use is there still has to be consent. Some people will give a blanket consent and be like, whatever. It doesn't matter. Other people want will want to be able to give consent in the moment because think about it.
Some people have physical disabilities. Some people have mental illness that will completely impact their desire and arousal and willingness and ability to, like, feel like they're fully consenting. Sometimes you got kids. Sometimes you got work. Sometimes you're on a Zoom meeting, and maybe that's not the time for your partner to engage in free use without a checking. Right? Mhmm. Real life requires that there will be times
even if the agreement is, hey. You can do whatever you want, whenever you want Yeah. To still get consent. There's nothing wrong with that. It is not incorrect to do that under for use. So if there is a question of timing for your partner, then just remind him and yourself that there are ways to to check for consent that can be really sexy and really erotic and really dominant and, like, you know, hit your personal buttons, whatever they may be. You just have to find it.
But those are the things that come to mind. It's it's instead of having the same conversation over and over again, start putting things into action and doing things and practicing things together so that you're not just sitting around waiting for your partner to go, oh, yeah. I want this now. And your partner is not necessarily sitting around going, wait. Is is now a good time? Is now a good time? Set aside time, you know, talk about what initiation on your
part might look like if you're interested. That doesn't make you feel like, oh my gosh, I'm the only reason we're doing this. Truly, sometimes your your partner just needs a little reminder. Oh, yeah. That exists. And when I it's not truly a joke. I mean, I laugh about it, but it is the real deal. 30 seconds tops is what my initiation is. And it, I'll just kiss his neck a couple times. I might grab his balls too if I'm feeling it. I might wiggle my ass. Yeah.
It's up to him as the dominant to take that somewhere and do something with it. But I am signaling, hey. You could do whatever you'd like to do right now. Yeah. I'm open to it. So, you know, think about different ways that together y'all can figure out what the signals are. Mhmm. Set aside time. Make sure that's time that it you're think both of you are thinking about, hey. This is a possibility getting out of your, you know, day to day headspace that you might be in professionally,
caregiving, whatever whatever. Right? Whatever gets in the way. You know, people find it very boring to say schedule your your time for intimacy. Sometimes you have no choice. That's just the way life dictates. It's the only way it's gonna happen. And if life is still lifeing for you right now, that might be an option as well. Yeah. So yeah. The the other thing I would the final thing I would say is if you're not quite ready to go into the action route, you still wanna have
conversations with your partner. Maybe your partner knows all these things, and you're still like, okay. That's that's not helping. We need something else. Instead of just repeating the same thing to your partner, hey. Don't forget. You can. Hey. Don't forget. You can. Start asking questions. Like, what what's going on in your head? Like, are are you, you know, are you getting busy? Are you feeling insecure? Are you uncertain?
You know, where is your head at, and how can I, as your submissive partner, help with any of that? And that might, you know Yeah. Help you find a better answer as well. True. True. Mhmm. So yeah. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our
kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kingsters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes.