You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the I don't have anything snarky to say because, you know, we're just existing, and I love you. John Brownstone. I'll take it. I mean, I, have the right, to be snarky later. I do not give up that right. I I may use that, you know, defer it for later, but, you know, nothing's snarky. I know. Ironic because of this week's topic.
Because this week, we're answering a a question from a submissive who wants to let their bratty side out, but they can't seem to get over their people pleasing ways to do it. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer a question that you have in a future one of these, you can get
nope. How do I say this? You can send us your question. Oh my gosh. Wow. Through our contact page on our website that is literally labeled ask your questions. That's available at lovingBDSM.net. That's lovingBDSM.net, or the link is in the show notes. Okay. Let's get into the question. I'm a submissive who's been exploring kink for a few years now. I have trauma from my childhood from people close to me abandoning me for seemingly no reason or because I
annoyed them by saying something slightly wrong. Maybe also from people laughing at me for saying things in a funny way or at the wrong moment. This has caused me to become a severe people pleaser who's constantly afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I know I have a bratty side that I want to explore. I like C and C and feel like I just wanna say to my Dom, make me with a bratty
little smirk on my face. I feel like I wanna find all of his buttons and push them until he decides to put me in my place. I find the idea of a man being angry slash yelling at me deeply arousing and slightly terrifying. Being in a loving relationship and building trust with my dom has obviously helped a lot with my fear of abandonment, but I still find it hard to just do what I want or even think of the things I would want to do in
the moment. Any tips or tricks on how to build my confidence and conquer my fears? You were giggling over there. I would like to say to this person, your childhood stuff that turned you into a people pleaser, that was a little bit like looking into a mirror. So Right. I I can I can relate, and I am so sorry you had to go through that too? And, yeah, I can really screw you up. Yeah. So what are your initial I have tons
of thoughts. It's like looking in a mirror, but what are your initial thoughts? Initially, I thought and that, you know, maybe I think what they might need to do is and and I hate to you I I don't wanna use it, but I to lighten up a little bit. To to, you know, to to be able to step in and have may have fun with it. Right. But You know? Go ahead. You know, I have a thought. Sorry. You have to feel safe to be able to do that. That's a safety thing. It's
it's true. It's vulnerability. It's a trust and safety. And until you understand that you are safe Mhmm. To just lighten up or to just relax is it's a fairy tale. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yes. You are you are correct. If somebody can just relax a little bit, then, yes, they can take those scary first steps. But there has to be the space available for them and the feeling of believing that this will be okay.
Now I'm not saying that that can't be achieved because my thought would be that's exactly what needs to happen is they need to feel safe to do that, but you don't go from being completely obedient to Zero to 60. Right. Bratting like crazy. It's a, obedient to Zero to 60. Right. Bratting like crazy. It's a it's a step by step process. True. So the first step would be to do it scared, but to, I'll to use your word, lighten up enough to do a small thing Yeah.
To come back with your your initial gut reaction of the words you wanna say. I do not consider myself bratty. Others disagree. I don't care. It's a label I do not take for myself, but I do consider myself sassy. And I sometimes the mouth is running faster than the brain, and I just say stuff when I probably should have thought better. And that came with time. Like that part of me was there, but I didn't really let that out in any relationship because I
you know, could somebody handle it? Would they still like me? Would I make them mad? Would they misunderstand? You and I had been together for not for forever, but we'd been together all Still like it. Stop. Nope. No. We've been together forever now. What I was trying to say is when I finally kinda let that sassy side out, we we weren't new, but we weren't it wasn't years either. True. There was a point where I just I felt like you got it. Like, you
got my humor. Mhmm. And, you know, when I get called my sassiest, I just think I'm being funny anyway. So you gave me that space to just try it. You know, that first time I don't know if this person can relate or if any other people, please, just can relate, but it's either you hold yourself very, firm and still and, like, rigid to not do anything wrong, or usually for me it's when I'm inebriated. You let it all out and it's completely awkward. And you gave indications that I cannot, like,
list right now. It's it has been just too long ago that you found me funny. You found me delightful. So what I felt like I could do was let things slip. And I think the first time I let something slip and I didn't realize it, and your reaction was exactly what it needed to be. You thought I was funny. You thought it was delightful. Now in my case, I'm not actively trying to brat. I'm not trying to get the reaction different can of worms. Mhmm. Now two thoughts. The we're not gonna do zero
to 60. That's not gonna help anybody. So, yes, start with small things. Say the snarky thing that comes to your mind. That's that's a good one. You know, you cannot predict when the snarky thing will come to your mind, but if it does, say it. But before you do any of this, the conversation needs to be had with your dom. Do they want to see your bratty side? Are they, open and welcome to the idea? Are they just as uncertain as you are? Right. And that that's something I was gonna bring up
too. You know, they with with all this, they do need to sit down and have a conversation Mhmm. With their with their big d. Right. And what I think can come from that, if your dominant's like, yeah. I think that would be fun. Or, yeah. I'm willing to try it or whatever. If you get encouragement from them, guess what? Mind fuck yourself. You are now using your people pleasing for for good not
evil. Yes. If you let that bratty side out, you're doing something that will make your dom happy, that your dom likes, that your dom wants. You're you're providing the service of being a brat to your dom. Right? That you're not gonna make them unhappy if they're expecting it or if they know it could come out at a, like, a random time. You know, in your case, you don't always think of it in the moment. Right? Or or Mhmm. Let me see. Is that kind of how you put that? Yeah. You're gotta find
it. Hold on. Okay. Yes. At the very end, you say, I still find it hard to just do what I want or even think of the things I would wanna do in the moment. That's okay. So if if you have these negotiations with your dom and they were like, yeah. I'm open to exploring this side of you, what that means is in the moments that you don't think of anything, don't worry about it.
But keep reminding yourself if something comes to mind out of nowhere, your dom is you know, based on the conversation I would recommend you have your dom gives you permission. You have the permission. When it hits you, you just say it or you just do it. That will only work if y'all have talked about it ahead of time. If y'all haven't talked about it and you get brave one day and just say the thing and they're not expecting it, that's not gonna look like bratting in the fun way, right?
So that that would be the other thing to consider. Make sure they're on board with it. Make sure that your partner understands where you're struggling and that you might not think of something in the moment or you don't quite know what to do because a little bit of that is practice. One, you have to be safe. You have to feel safe to let that side loose. And two, you have to do it enough that things ideas just start coming to you.
Right? So that's the other reason I would say you wanna start very small. Now what does starting small look like? Because that's the thing we keep saying. You're not going from never doing it to full on brat mode and scene and the things you're fantasizing about. It is getting a look on your face. Like, JB knows my expressions. Right? He knows Mhmm. He knows my, obedient, polite expression, and he knows my, I think you are so fucked up right now expression and everything in between.
So if your partner reads your expressions that well, especially if you've had to, like, hide facial reactions because you didn't want to upset anybody Mhmm. Then, you know, let that slip out. If it's a comment, if it's a word, if it's a, yeah. Right. Like, there's there's little ways to poke at authority. There's little ways to poke at authority that do not require going, like, chest to chest fucking make me. Right? I hold myself back from some of my little comments and takes because I know how
they would be taken. And I'm not trying to get in trouble. See, that's the difference. Everybody wants to call me a brat. I'm over here trying not to get in trouble. I don't wanna be in trouble. That does not that that's not my jam. So but I know what I could say if I was trying to get in trouble. Uh-oh. Right. So I tend to hold myself back because that's not what I want.
The more you you let yourself think about those things, the more that you realize that you're in a safe space, your partner is welcome and accepting of these things, the more you can slowly let it out. Right? You could understand this on an intellectual level. Your partner could be like, heck yeah. Let's try this. That does not mean tomorrow you're gonna wake up and know exactly what to say or exactly what to do. Yeah. You don't become super brad overnight. No. You
know, some people do. Well But those of us with, like, hardcore people pleasing ways, it it's a tough habit to break. Right? Because there's fear behind it. There's the, you know, there's memory of how that went in the past. So, then I go back to as long as you have the permission and the acceptance of your partner that they are open to it, then it's a trust and safety thing. You have to know that you are safe to let that side of yourself show. And and what you'll do is you'll do a small
thing. You'll get a look on your face. You'll say a couple of words. You'll go, oh really? You'll let snark out. You'll let sarcasm out, and you'll do these small things even when your knees are knocking and you are sweating profusely. And then what your partner's job is is to to have the air quote right reaction. Right? Which means they think you're funny or they come back with a, oh, you're playing
with fire there, Or or something. Right? Something that indicates to you that they got it, that they understand what they're looking at, and they're responding to you as a dom who's ready to maybe take take a brat and do whatever doms do with brats. I don't know. I'm trying not to be one. So that's to me, that's the method, but it starts first and foremost with y'all have to have a conversation. Make sure you're on the same page. And you'll have to do
those things scared at first. That doesn't mean you have to, like, that's not me saying, oh, the moment you hear the sound of my voice and I tell you this, you need to go do it no matter how terrified you are. No. No. No. It just means that the fear and the desire have to be like, the desire has to be, like, 51% and the fear has to be 45%. The fear. Right. Yeah. So when you get to that, as you start playing with it and experimenting with it and you realize, hey.
I'm I'm bad things are not happening to me when I do this, then that teaches the rest of you to go, okay. Maybe I can do more. And keep checking in with each other. Mhmm. Because every person, dumb or brat, on the side of the slash playing with with bratting has their own personal threshold of when this is, you know, too much, when I'm this is too far, when I don't I'm not enjoying
this anymore. So check-in with each other and, you know, and let your either have them listen slash watch to this or tell them yourself, but encourage your dom to let you know when you can go further. When they really like something that you've done, and they were like, yeah. I would have I would have happily, like, kept going with that. That was fun to me. And and know what your big d's boundaries are with bratting. Mhmm. Yep. That's why you wanna do the the consistent check ins Yeah.
While you're playing with us. Yeah. Because it's gonna give both of you feedback. Mhmm. Yeah. And and while bratting is fun and, you know, depending on the person, a a good thing. Non consensual bratting is not. Right. Right. I mean, then it's then it's just disrespect and it's Yeah. It's not good for the dynamic. So, yeah, you start with making sure everybody's on board with it. Mhmm. And then you build confidence and conquer your fears by slowly doing the thing. But fears by slowly
doing the thing, but very slowly. Mhmm. It is entirely possible that it won't take you long to go from a little side eye to full on make me, and it's also possible it may take you a few years. That's fine. You need to go at the pace that allows you to assess risk and feel like you are keeping yourself Right. As safe as possible while you play. Yep. Each person's growth is different. Exactly. Thanks for listening
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