You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lark's here with the one, the only, the guy who is a massive tease in kink ways, non kink ways, and all facets of life because it amuses him. John Brownstone. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's all I have to say about that. Because if I say more, you'll use it as a way to tease me in some way. That's correct. I know. So I'm just gonna skip that part.
This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who opened up their relationship and now was trying to close it again and trying to get back to what they used to have, and it might be a little complicated. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we hope kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Have the podcast your favorite podcast apps so
you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer one of your questions in a future one of these, we have a contact page that's literally called ask your questions, on our website at lovingbdsm.net. That's lovingbdsm.net. Or you should be able to find the link, to our contact page in the show notes for this episode. Okay. This week's question is sort of short and sweet, but I think there's a a lot being said here. Mhmm. Okay. Here we go.
My sub and I negotiated that we would have a semi open relationship. However, some friends who have a full open relationship are going through things. Not my story to tell about them. However, I'm more or less playing peacemaker with them, and it's taken a toll on the mental health for both of us. So I kind of renegotiated that we should go back to being closed off for a while so we could focus on us and get back to our regular selves.
Basically, I'm just asking if you have any tips for us to get back to almost normal. I know it'll take time, but I just don't know how to get there. Well, you know what? The the fact that they state right off the fact that their mental health was was taking a hit because they're, you know, playing peacemaker with this other couple, that speaks volumes. Mhmm. You know? And and, you know, stepping back to to take care of your mental health, that should be a priority.
Right. You being peacemaker for another couple to the detriment of your own mental health and your relationship? Probably not a great idea. No. No. So, you know, Yeah. You, you know, you you you need to step back. You know, tips to do it? You and your partner need to talk. Okay? You need to talk, and and, you know, let them know how you're feeling about this, and and what is going on.
Yes, it's hard to do. We just had a conversation the other night where, yeah, it was kind of hard to let my feelings out, you know. So it it's not uncommon, but it does need to be done. And, you know, it it is a tough thing to do, but it you you gotta do it. You you gotta do it. You know, when when you open a relationship and and things start happening that are causing strife or or disconnects in in your relationship, something's wrong.
You know, we we all kind of need to be there for our friends and for our our people. But you know, in in something like this when when you open up a relationship it's it shouldn't be to make things more difficult, but to make things, you know, a little more fun, maybe. Or more satisfying based on your needs or, you know, something that is
beneficial ideally to somebody. Yeah. But, you know, for for it to to be causing this kind of of strife, you know, within yourself and and between your partner, yeah, that that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Mhmm. Mhmm. What say you? So I'm gonna I'm not gonna give a tip just yet. I do have tips because Okay. It is not uncommon for life to life. It does screw up your power exchange, and you'd have to kinda figure out how to get back to center and and air
quote normal again. The thing I wanna I wanna fall back on because it's gonna hinder things if it isn't handled correctly is you say that you renegotiated closing the relationship off again because of an does the way I'm understanding this, this is just friends and not somebody you were in a relationship with, and that was causing your mental health. I want you to do a check-in with your partner because did they agree to that because they genuinely
wanted to agree to that? Mhmm. Or did they turn off another relationship that meant something to them to keep you happy when and I'm gonna, I think, probably give a little tough love, and I'm trying to I'm I'm trying to be empathetic. Mhmm. A thing that was not central to your relationship with your current partner was affecting your relationship. And I haven't heard you say, I'm taking a step back from these friends so I can
take care of myself and my relationship. I'm hearing you say, I closed off something that potentially me and or my partner really wanted. So I'm not saying it's a bad thing to do that. JB and I have had to kind of have that conversation, and it's not been that we just stopped being non monogamous. It's more like he stopped pursuing folks or keeping himself open to the idea of, somebody coming into his life, and it was more of a that and not a, we shut down a whole other thing that
was going on outside of this situation. So just, if you didn't do it already, or if you think there might have been a possibility that your partner allowed that renegotiation under any sort of duress, I want you to do a check-in. Because if they are unhappy with what you renegotiated in the way you you say it here, That's going to cause more problems further down, and it's gonna be harder to get back to normal. So make sure y'all are at the same place. Right? Make sure you're you're both
not satisfied with your relationship. You wouldn't have asked for tips if you were satisfied, but that you're happy to be at this place where you're you're rebuilding each other is what I would say there. And it may be that you already know that, and it was fine, and it was a it was a no big deal. But when one partner says, I negotiated something Mhmm. My first thought is, but
how did the other partner feel? So if you don't know, or you think you know, but you're not getting the right vibe, I'm just saying do a check-in. Okay? That's that's a good point. That's that's a good point. Because you were going through a thing, so you needed to make changes. Fair. How did that impact your partner? That's the thing to double check on if you don't know.
I completely agree with you. Like, just the thing that's causing the mental health problem to the extent that you possibly can, you need to back away because now your relationship has suffered that relationship. I mean, I'm assuming has is is holding more importance. Right? Or you wouldn't be trying
to work on it. Now the thing to getting back to normal, there's gonna be a lot of communication because you do need to talk about not just how you're feeling, which, you know, depending on you know, you say my subs, so I'm assuming you are the dom. Doms don't always do well with talking about their feelings, and it it can be, really difficult. And it can be hard to be vulnerable, and that's an important thing to
do. At the same time, you need to spend time listening to your partner on what's going on with them, how they're feeling about the disconnect that you, have had or the the change from, monogamous to non monogamous, back to monogamous. They may have their own feelings. So it's a back and forth thing of just hearing each other out. You know, you talk about how not that long ago you needed to do that, and I, as usual, had to just yank it out of you. It doesn't look like submission from the outside,
but, you know Yeah. I'm I'm being of service. True. And the thing is is you opening up gave room in the conversation for us to kind of both talk. And at the end of it, nothing was different, nothing was solved, but we both felt better. Because the release of those pent up emotions Yeah. Can it it's like a release valve of the pressure. Right? You're not holding it within yourself all alone. You've put it out there into the world. You've hopefully gotten some empathy back
from a partner. You may have heard it heard yourself say it and go, oh my gosh. I'm holding on to this thing and it it isn't that big. It isn't that important. But because you've internalized it, it feels bigger and more important. Or it is as big and important as you knew it to be, but saying it and knowing that you're now not alone in it means you're not carrying the weight of it alone. So get ready for lots of conversation.
Yep. This is also a good time when you start making shifts in your relationship and your dynamic because of things that are happening kind of outside to you. This can be a great time to fix things that weren't great to begin with. Not and I don't necessarily mean, like, your relationship was on the rocks, now we're gonna make it better, but more like, were there things that could have
been done better? Were there things in your power exchange where you did it because you've been doing it for forever, not because it really had any meaning to you? This can be a time to go. We don't have to do exactly what we were doing before. We can we can take what worked really well before. We were each mutually excited about or satisfied with or happy to do and let the rest fall away. Because the big tip for, quote, getting back to normal is to start really slow and small.
Now the pace at which you go from slow and small to a lot more depends on the situation, depends on both the all, depends on how you're feeling, depends on whether, you know, your you know, if your mental health is able to continue to improve as the things shift around in the other parts of your life, then you can do more.
And if it's more of a very nonlinear curvy squiggle line more of progression, which is more typical, you may start slow and small, pick up some speed, add a few things, stop there for a while, maybe even pull back, add more things. And it's a 2 steps forward, 1 step back situation sometimes. But if you start slow and small, then you get to have the memory come back to you of, wait. This feels
good. We enjoy this with one another. It's almost a little bit of muscle memory of, oh, oh, we haven't done this in a while or we haven't done this with, like, intentionally for a while, and now we are and we're talking about it and we're checking in with each other and that's right. I remember this feels good. Sometimes we anticipate a thing to be harder than it actually is. Yep. And oftentimes, the first step of starting again is the hardest.
And once you get past that and you just get started, momentum carries you forward. Right? And if you start slow and small, then you pick the thing you both mutually absolutely adore and probably miss. Right? You're trying to get back to normal. What haven't you been doing that you both miss? If it were JB and myself, it is either going to be impact play, like deep impact play, or it's probably going to be, him calling me names and, like, yanking me
around by, like, my hair. Right? Like, it's there's certain things that we're gonna are gonna instantly connect us Right. Because we mutually like them. When they happen, we're very happy. They can be done in very short bursts sometimes. And those things are are the core Right. Of our DS. Right. Exactly. So that's my tip for, quote, getting back to normal. But also Yeah. You know, mysterious third thing, I guess, do you have to get back to normal?
Was normal working really well, or is it time to, again, mutually, if this works for both of you Mhmm. Just recapitulate things. Yeah. This is a good time for a shift if a shift is what's needed. Right? There any time can be a good time for a shift, but, man, when you're like, uh-oh, it's we gotta go back to building blocks. We gotta, like, reconnect again and get intimate with one another again. And I don't just mean fuckery. I
mean, like. Yeah. I'm it it it's a it's a good time to be introspective. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. But I would just I would the very first thing the very, very first thing I agree with you. Withdraw yourself from this thing that's screwing up your mental health. Right? Can you pass it off to another friend? Can you just tell your friends, I care about you deeply, I wanna be here for you, but it it's now wrecking me and my relationship, and I have to focus
on that. Right? Right. And then after that, do a level set. Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. That might be a hard conversation. Hopefully, your partner feels, secure enough to tell you exactly how they feel so you'll know y'all are on the same page. But that's the the thing I would And, you know, I I would kind of, look at you know, they don't really say what this these friends, you know, kind of are to them, how they fit into all this.
You know, if they're going to step back, which I think is is is a good move, you know. Mhmm. Understand that, you know, depending on what the relationship is or was with them, you know, you will very possibly go through something what feels like a breakup. Could be, mhmm. Mhmm. You know, And and that is something
to be aware of going forward. And if, you know, you are so deep in in people other people's problems that you care about them and you you're in so deep it is messing you up, that's on on some levels, that's commendable Mhmm. That you care about these people. You want to help them. You want to maybe, you know, reduce friction or reduce the problems that exist or, you know, be supportive or whatever it is. And the thing is is, yes, And the thing is is, yes, but also we have to put our own oxygen
mask on first. Mhmm. And you are not a bad person for taking care of your self and not automatically taking care of others. Okay? Ideally, if these are folks that were worth it enough to put yourself through this, they will care about you enough to go, I get it. Right? I get it. And I hope they are. That's not always true, but I I hope for your sake they are, so you don't bother through this. What you what you wanna watch out for too, you know, hope hopefully, you know, everybody's
stepping back. They can get their their things sorted and and and whatnot. But, you know, if if if you try to go back into this with with these people and the same type of thing starts happening, you know, then you kinda gotta you you gotta make a tough decision then at that point, you know, to to step back completely. Absolutely. Because you don't, you know, you don't wanna keep repeating the cycle. No. Especially if it keeps harming the relationship that you have that you want to maintain
with your partner. Right? I think it is understandable for sometimes you know, JB is much more social than I am. He has more friends. So that means he tends to see a little bit more drama, a little bit more strife, a little bit more stuff than I see. Because I'm over here in my house in my co cozy, comfy couch and clothes by my damn self. In your little corner. So there are times JB is going through something that doesn't have anything to do with us. And so what I try to be is supportive
and empathetic. And what what do you need from me to help you while you go through this thing with a friend or this thing with, you know, something going on in in your part of the community that I don't really touch. Right? But also, it is kind of my job to go, hey. I I get this is important to you. And when it's important to you, it's important to me. But this is negatively impacting
us now. Yeah. Right? And if you have to keep going back and forth and back and forth like that with your partner, that's not fair to your partner, that's not fair to you. Mhmm. And I I truly think good friends don't want you to do that. No. Mm-mm. Because you don't help anybody by breaking yourself on the rocks of other people's Mhmm. You know, interpersonal problems. Not if you you know, not to your own detriment, not to the detriment of your relationships.
Right? You still have to live in this world and exist as a person even with people you care about going through something that you can't change and probably can't control. Right. Right? So focus on when it comes to these intimate relationships, who and what you can control. You can control you and what you do and what you choose to focus on. And, and I just want to add one more little caveat to all this.
You know, when Kayla and I first, decided to open our relationship, you know, we talked about it for quite a while before, you know, anybody did anything. And, you know, in all that talking, you know, we we we kind of said, you know, what what are we looking at here? What does this potentially look like? You know, what are the the the boundaries, the this, that, and and we thought we had everything covered in the beginning, until the first time I went out on a date with someone.
You learn a lot by about yourself the first time your partner goes off like that. Yeah. And and what ended up happening, we had to do a step back and and kind of renegotiate things and and, you know, not really, you know, we didn't have to step back ourselves at that time, but we kind of needed to, you know, rework some things.
Absolutely. Because the the first time you went off and did that, like I say, I I learned some things about how I was gonna react, and then I had to figure out what was stuff that I needed to deal with on my own and what was stuff that I could bring to you and we could we could talk about. So that is true in any facet of a relationship. So just kinda keep that in mind. You will make these plans to get back to
normal. You will try to enact it, and then something might not feel right or work, and so you just talk about it again. So, you know, going going forward with this, this may be a good time for you to, you know, again, like I said earlier, you know, be a little introspective, but, you know, look at the situation and and the things that happened, talk about them with your partners, and maybe you need to set some some rules or boundaries Right. You know, to to to kind of, you know,
waylay that in the future. Right. No, I agree. So, yeah. Reduce what is putting the strain on your mental health to the Yeah. Best of your ability. Make sure you're on the same page with your partner, and then start slow and small with whatever getting back to normal is, and reassess if we wanna go back to it. Try to go back to what you have before or if this is the a good time to sort of make a shift. The I think those would be our tips for your situation. Mhmm. Mhmm. Thanks for listening
to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super
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