You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the 1, the only, the guy that if we have to be in bad moods, I'm glad we could be in bad moods together. John Brown, sir. I guess that's one way of looking at it. Luck. My internal eternal optimist is going to find the silver lining. And us being all up in our feelings and in our heads about stuff that's not related to anything here, and it is just it is just life lifing. It's no big
deal. But if we're both gonna be in moods where we're kind of at one another, glad we can do it together. There you go. See? The couple that Growses together. Stays together. Mhmm. Maybe. That's not what we're here to talk about though. This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who's trying to navigate their kinky relationship as a switch, but especially trying to figure out how to be the dom they wanna be. Welcome to the Living BDSM
podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, just use our contact page. It's literally called ask your questions, on our website at lovingbdsmdot net, or you can find it in the show notes for this episode.
Okay. Let's get into the question. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years, and we started our BDSM journey pretty young. Lola agrees. We usually just have kinky sex, but we've tried being bringing the dynamic out of the bedroom. We had a kid about 4 years ago and that changed her life a lot, obviously. And now that she is 4, we have some more kid free time and we wanna bring BDSM back into her life. We are
older and better understand the life now. But because of all these changes, I think our kink life has changed too. As I learn more, I think we're both switches and I'm and I'm trying to find a way to make that work for us. I don't know if you guys have any advice, but I would love to hear your thoughts on a relationship with 2 switches. I feel like my switch correlates with my mood and anxieties. It fluctuates and ebbs and
flows for both of us. How do we navigate a relationship where we both wanna be a dom or a sub in different ways for different situations? I think a big part of my anxiety in being a dom as a woman is that I don't want to be mean and it doesn't feel as natural so it's harder for me to get into that headspace. I haven't seen a lot of DS relationships where the woman is the d and the man is the s, where the dom isn't mean or isn't a substitute mother.
I wanna find somewhere in the middle, but I don't really know how, especially in the bedroom. Thank you, Lola Right. Right. For sharing your opinion. We would like to share our opinion now. Yes. So what are your thoughts? What are my thoughts? You know, the What?
You know, the, the one thing that really kind of popped out at me was for So anyway, I I think the one thing that that really, like, you know, jarringly jumped out at me, and kind of made me chuckle a little bit was, you know, part about not wanting to be the mean big d. Or wanting to be like the caregiver. Yeah. Yeah. Mommy type. Sure. Yeah. So, you know, that that kind of made me chuckle because, you know, they're saying that, you know, this is what they see.
Maybe what you see, but it's not what you have to be. And what you see isn't all that there is. Right. Typically, if you are coming across these same stereotypes over and over again, it is time to find a new place to look. That's not an easy thing to do necessarily, but it is possible. Yeah. And, you know, be we've we've talked about this enough times before, you know, this is a spectrum. So you can be anything you want to be on that spectrum,
and it's fine. As long as it works for you, you're not hurting anyone, unless consensually, of course. I mean, we're all about the consensual hurting of another, so it's it's fine. So, you know, as long as those things are going on that, you know, do you. Yeah. And I think that is the the concerns about figuring out how to be whatever your kink role is Mhmm. Dom, sub, something else, is that concern that you don't know what you're doing or it doesn't feel natural. I'll
say this. I think there is a bit of a fallacy out there that, you know, dominance and and or submission just come naturally to people. There are some people where it does sort of feel that way. I would say that in certain circumstances at certain times with certain people, yes, I can fall into that naturally. That doesn't mean that my submission is somehow better or more authentic than the person who has to learn some new things and and unlearn some other things. The same is true with dominance.
And, you know, I think that belief can can limit you, and it can hold you back. But I I go back to what we said at the very beginning. If all you're saying is a certain stereotype of what it means to be a female dom, it it's time to go seek out more people. And that might be at munches. That might be in person community where, you know, doms meet up, whether it's a a group of, you know, mixed gender of all the genders or if it's just, you know, female doms.
FetLife, for all its problems, all its flaws, can be great for finding different perspectives that you're not seeing elsewhere. Yeah. As for navigating that both of you are switches and both of you want to express both your dominance and submission in different ways Mhmm. And the ebbs and flows and what gets you into that headspace. That's tricky. And the other thing I would say is while you're seeking out new resources, seek out switch experiences.
Because just like dominance and just like submission, every switch is gonna have their own unique experience of it and will have their take on, this is how we do it. And then you choose from the things that resonate with you as ways of, you know, navigating the relationship. My personal perspective, if I tried to imagine being a switch, knowing what I know about power exchange, the thing I'm gonna tell you is you have to get real damn good at communicating your headspace. Yeah.
Now that communication can become over time a shorthand where you don't have to have long, drawn out conversations about how in this moment, at this time, this is the thing you'd really like. But that might be where you start is long, drawn out, technical conversations to kind of figure out of, oh, when this kind of thing happens, this is what I'm feeling, and this is what I'd like to experience. How about you? And then over time, you kind of find where you align.
You, you know, I truly, from the the few things I've seen when I'm reading or watching or listening about other, you know, switch experiences is that it is different for everybody, but sometimes partners will get on a wavelength. So one partner will, like, have a look on their face, say an ex a a phrase, do a thing, and the other partner who's like, oh, I wasn't even in that headspace. Oh, now I am. It becomes a signal.
So you can, you know, feed off of one another, but that can take time to work up to, especially if you're not feeling confident in one side of the slash or the other as that role for yourself yet. Might be worth for this person who is more uncomfortable in their dom headspace, playing intentionally and specifically more in that headspace, trying to do more in that headspace because
what you need is practice. What you need is enough experience with certain forms of play that it stops feeling like you're wearing, you know, a scratchy, uncomfortable suit. But I will say, if you play in certain head spaces and in certain ways and it never feels comfortable, then it's probably not right for you when it's time to try a different way of doing it. So that's that's a thing. Mhmm. Go ahead.
I was gonna say another thing that kinda comes to mind is not putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner to be in a compatible headspace at the right time. You know? Some things I've I've heard Switches talk about is they kind of flow with their partner. And, again, this is not everybody's experience. This is just some experiences I've heard about where when they know it's time to play, that's like you've got a kid, get start scheduling playtime for yourself because it's probably
the only way to set up. Yeah. I promise they get older and they tend to need you less, but just schedule it. So you can't necessarily know going into it as a switch maybe what you're gonna do in that playtime session. Mhmm. But if your personalities your kink personalities sort of work out this way where you can feed off of each other's energy, then you have that time designated 30 minutes, an hour, the whole night, like, whatever. And then you can kind of just go
off of vibes, if that fits true. But again, it goes back to you gotta get real real good at communicating what's going on with you in a moment. Mhmm. You know? And and you're absolutely right about, you know, not putting too much pressure on yourself. We can be our own worst enemies. Oh, yeah. In instances like that, you know, over overthinking and and, you know,
making unreasonable expectations, you know. Oh, yeah. We we can all I've done that to myself too, you know, making unreasonable expectations of something and then falling short and be like, oh, dear. But we're also more critical of ourselves than other people will be of us. So if you are thinking that, you know, your dominance isn't coming naturally or you're not doing a good job, to get out of your own head, ask your partner what they think. Like, are they
having a good time? Are they responding positively to what you're doing? You know, do they want more of that, and is that more something that you want to give? You know? I mean, there's there's a lot of balancing there. But, you know, most often, you're not doing as bad a job as you think you are. You're not as awkward as you think you are. You know?
I am one of those people who, in the right circumstance with the right person, can kind of fall naturally into my submission because I tend to default to that in certain situations. That's how I've been in some bad situations before with people who did not deserve that. But not feeling natural or comfortable, air quote, all of that, doesn't mean you're bad at it, and it doesn't mean that it's not right for you. But also you have to use that as information to decide, is it right for you?
Mhmm. Because the first few times, especially, you do something new, it's probably not gonna feel, air quote, typical, normal, whatever. Right? But there's to me, there should be a rightness to it where you're like, oh, I'm awkward as fuck, and I don't really know what I'm doing here. But I think I'm having a good time, and my partner's having a good time. And
that's the thing you look for. Yeah. And then the more you practice it and the more you refine what you're doing and refining what you're doing is both a figuring out dominance or submission, what feels right for you, what your partner responds to, what gets 1 or both of you in the headspace, that kind of refinement. Over time as you refine that, then even if it didn't start out feeling, quote, natural, and I sort of roll my eyes at that because that's that's a expectation we shouldn't
all just have. That's not fair to us. No. You know? I think you can get there once you're on the right path of what dominance or submission or just switching in general mean to you. You know? I think that's just inherently personal, and it's trial and error, and it's experimentation. And you know what? Experimentation and kink, it's called play. Yep. Like Yep. Experimentation isn't you know? I mean, unless you're into some science role play, it's not about getting
your lab coat and your goggles on. If you are into science role play for science. You know. So, you know, that that's the big thing is play around with what mutually intrigues both of you on either side of your slash in whatever headspace. But part of that and along the process, communicate, communicate, communicate. You know? Talk about your headspace before. You know? As you're getting into it, definitely do debriefs afterwards. Oh, yeah. What worked? What
didn't? What were you thinking about? What were you feeling? Because it's that kind of information that over time you can create your shorthand. And you can create the kind of shorthand where one of you is in whichever headspace, Dom or Sab, and they say a thing or they give a look, and the other person knows what it means, and if they're feeling it, they respond the way that, you know, you would expect to respond. And if they're not feeling it, then
that's a different conversation. And and that's okay. It's a form of communication. And and just one little caveat I wanna throw in there. True. Have fun. Yeah. Have fun with it. You know, you have, an an opportunity. You are both switches, so you can, you know, experience both sides. Mhmm. And, you know, have a blast with it. Don't, you know, don't get so caught up in in everything that it becomes a chore. Have fun. Laugh. You know? Get silly. Get weird. Get silly.
Get weird. Do, you know, do the weird thing as they say. Right. Exactly. You know? Like our girl Lola is off to the side being a menace. I don't know what the mic is picking up. Oh, Lord. So And I think that's another thing. It is a good thing to take kink seriously because Oh, yes. There is serious risk involved, mental, emotional, physical. Communication is super important and it's not a skill we, you know, enter the world possessing. You have to gain that skill. Right?
So there can be pressure that we put on ourselves or that, you know, others put on us, whatever. And some of that is is good pressure. You you want to be taking it seriously. You want to do no nonconsensual harm. Right? But I think that in that process, it is easy to forget that we call this play for a reason. You're supposed to be enjoying yourself. That's true. If it is more misery than pleasure, if it's more stress than pleasure, if it's more anxiety than pleasure, it is time to
switch something up. It's time to back off of something. It's time to go in a different direction. Step back and reevaluate. It's time to take a pause and have a conversation, because it it is right and good that you might be a little a little nervous, a little, like, not sure what's gonna happen the first time you do a thing as a dom or a sup. But it should be something that you dread. It shouldn't be something that is sending you into a panic every
time you think about it. It shouldn't be something where the downside is all you can think about. And if that is the case, take a pause, take a beat, figure out where you can go with it that's fun again. And that might mean taking it back 10 steps. That might mean acting like you know nothing about kinking, you're starting from scratch, and what is the one small thing that you, you know, are the most intrigued by. That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that.
But, yeah, we it's important to take it seriously, but, also, we're supposed to be having fun here. Yeah. And, you know, the other thing too, you you are also in in a a wonderful situation where, you know, take advantage of things like, submissive roundtables Mhmm. And And dominator. Roundtables. Online or in person. Online or in person, absolutely. Because you y'all have the unique ability, y'all can go to both. Yeah. Oh, yes. As
as switches, y'all can go to both. You both can attend a sub meeting, you both can attend a dom meeting, you can split off and go to 1 or the other, and, you know, that's some good conversation stuff right there, you know, to to spark for your relationship. Yep. And if you ever come across a community that actually has group stuff just for switches, because some of the stuff y'all go through is just so unique, that whole headspace switch thing that I cannot imagine.
Take advantage of that too. There, you know, if you don't live in a major metro area that you can easily drive or travel in some way to a a meet up, a munch, or something, since the inception of COVID, which sucks, we hate it. But but a thing that came out of that that is a a net good is that a lot more kink education, is online. Online. Yeah. And so Mhmm. You know? Yes. Let me say it again. FetLife is a cesspool, but also it can be a wealth of information for
finding that kind of stuff. Yeah. FetLife is is a fantastic place for for information. You know, a lot of people tend to forget is you have control over the block and mute button. And use it liberally. Yep. But, yeah, you know, to break it down, if you feel like you're only seeing a certain type of dominance or submission, it's time to start looking elsewhere. It's time to change your algorithms. It's time to change your community.
It's time to do something different so you can get different types of people in your feed and in in your space for you to learn from. Communication is gonna be super, super important, and, eventually, you can get to a shorthand probably, but start with good communication and then, yeah, remember to have some fun. Mhmm. And learn as much as you can about what you enjoy as an individual and together with your partner.
Mhmm. And then focus on that more than, air quote, what you think you're supposed to be as a dom or something. Mhmm. Yeah. I think I think that's it. Okay. Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and
help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kingsters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes.