You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the you're looking so good like a damn snack. John Brownstone. Wow. I know. Thank you. I don't know what I do with that attitude, but it's there. It's there. It it it's cool. I believe you might be blushing. It's it's kind of adorable. For all for all the the making JB blush, this this week's actually kind of a serious topic, so I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna get too crazy. This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster who doesn't want to interact with a certain member of their local community, but that person seems to be everywhere. This episode does have a content warning for a brief, brief, brief mention of suicide, abusive behavior, and sexual coercion. No details are shared, but it's it's mentioned as part of the question, could come up as part of the conversation, so just take care of yourself.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer your question in a future one of these, you can use our contact page on our website, loving BDSM dot net. Again, that's loving BDSM dot net or use the link in the show notes page. Okay. Let's get into the question.
I started going to munches and vendor fairs in late 2022 and moved on to play parties almost every weekend from January to June in 2023. I loved finally being able to go to these events and meeting like minded people. I wanna start going back to community events after leaving for financial and mental health reasons, but I'm facing an obstacle. There is this person who I will name Greg, not his real name, who I do
not want to be around. At the beginning of my kink journey, I met him at a munch and at some play parties and he ended up inviting me to a small local group that he was in charge of. It was a good time and I met my dom at this event. Fast forward a few months and Greg goes through a very public breakup on FetLife. His ex partner exposes some information about him, including his manipulative, coercive, and destructive behavior.
Some of his offenses include threatening to kill himself, forcing his ex partner to keep important information from their family, punching holes in the walls, guilting them into having sex when they did not want to, and starting a relationship with someone barely 18 while he's almost 30. I was was appalled when I heard this and they still post about each other on FetLife. Since I was not involved in their relationship, I have no way of knowing if all of this is true, but I am inclined
to believe the victim. Anyway, since then, it has come out that he is getting involved with the board of the local community and increasing his presence at all events even in the smaller communities. He has tried to reach out to me twice and I have ignored both. How can I start going to events again when he seems to be everywhere? I do not want to run into him, but I know that is almost impossible. Wow. Yeah. That's, that's tough. That is tough. And, you know, I'm not even sure how I would
I don't think there's an easy answer. There is there isn't. You have this community that you want to be a part of again and you know that, air quote, Greg, is probably going to show up. It is either a try to find community outside of that area or Mhmm. Find a way to make peace with yourself with the fact that you are going to come across him. Now seeing him does not mean you have to interact.
True. A couple of things come to mind, and whether you do this or not depends on your comfort level, your own mental health, because you gotta protect it, and what kind of person, air quote, Greg is. But one option is to just have a conversation with him. You do have a history of knowing him and being around him, and you can say, look. I saw what went down on FetLife. I did not like what I saw. My opinion of you has changed, and I just don't want to be a part of what you've got going on.
That one I would caution with how how do you think, you know Right. He might react because some people get volatile, and you don't need to put yourself in that position. The other thing might be to talk to other community leaders of these events and munches and whatever else that are being organized, and let them know about your discomfort if if they are the type of people you can talk to. And, you know, ask, you know, were they
aware of what went down? What mitigation have they put into place for a person who may be a, you know, abusive, coercive human being. Mhmm. And, you know, those are imperfect. I don't think there is a a perfect solution. No. There isn't. I mean, you know, one of the things I I thought about too was, you know, could start their own munch. Could. You absolutely could
do that. You know, I mean, that that would be one option, you know, and, you know, but then again that, you know, that that's okay for them for a month, you know, but then there's still the thing, you know, you wanna do the parties, you wanna do the different fairs and different things like that. You know, I part of it is it comes down to do you feel unsafe? Because there is a difference between being in a room with somebody and interacting
with somebody. True. There will be times where maybe you are at the same event because it's open to everybody in your community and it was something you wanted to attend, they're gonna be in the same room. There is no requirement that you interact with that person. If somebody tries to encourage you to interact with that person, you can simply say, no. That's that's not a person I interact
with. They'll take that information or leave it, but you don't have to justify yourself if you don't want to. You know, if their ex partner is somebody you are friends with, maybe talk to them and see how they're handling it. You know? If they have found a way to work within their own community and go to events and, you know, feel as safe as possible Mhmm. Knowing that this person is around, maybe they have some advice for you. Maybe they have somebody you
can talk to that they've talked to. Like, hey. I reached out to this community organizer, and they had some good solutions for me. Now that's a sensitive thing. They don't need to do labor on your behalf. But if you have a friendship of sorts, you you know, you can check-in and go, hey. Can can we talk about this? But I think it depends on the events as well. If it's an open to everybody, it's a vendor fair, it's a big community meetup where you're talking 50, 60, a
100 people. Mhmm. You know, I I get not wanting to be around them, but there's as long as you feel safe, there is a difference between being around them and interacting with them. Mhmm. It's also possible that maybe you, you know, form, if you don't already have, a closer group of a small core community that are your close friends, and y'all have play parties. People have play parties all the time, and
they do not invite everybody. Right. So maybe you, you know, need to make some connections with folks who maybe aren't fans of air quote Greg either,
you know? True. True. True. And, you know, I I you know, another thing I thought of in this and I'll I'll carry out it after I I said what I'm about to say, you know, in some cases, because I I knew back in the community I was part of years ago, there was a person in the community who had some questionable behavior, and, the community leader actually allowed them to come to munches, wanted them to come to parties because that way they could keep an eye on them,
you know, in case there were any any problematic behavior. Is is that the case here? I don't know, you know, especially with the fact with, you know, talking about how he's here Getting involved with the board. Involved with the board. Yeah. You know, so that To me, that's a that's a conversation if you have connections to other people on that local board about if they if they
know Right. What their thinking is. Unfortunately, sometimes you have that conversation and you find out that they know and they don't care, and then that's when you rethink your connection to that community. You know? If you're in an area where traveling to another community is feasible and is something you're willing to do, that is an option. Now you are going to come across people with who do bad acts in any
community. This one is different because you did have a personal connection and you you know the details that were being shared, and that that that makes a difference for sure. But I also don't want you to have to diminish your enjoyment and interaction with the community because somebody else is a bad actor.
So yeah. If any connections you have to local community members who are on a board, who organize a munch, or whatever whatever, you know, if you can talk to them, that that would be one of the things I definitely would do. Again, though, I think I think there's nothing wrong with telling, air quote, Greg, that you saw what went down on FetLife. You do not really want to have you know, you don't have anything to do with them. Mhmm. If we happen to be at the same event, you're not going to
interact. Again, you have to feel safe to do that. But if you're the type of person who would have that kind of conversation, you know, I I don't think that would be a bad idea necessarily, because, you know, presumably, air quote, Greg is trying to sort of tap into your former relationship. I I don't mean relationship, like, intimate, but, like, you knew each other.
You know? And if you feel safe enough doing it because who knows if people in your community are giving it to him straight and saying, you fucked up and you've got to, you know, earn trust back in community, and and you've gotta prove yourself. And I don't have to be here watching you go through that and, you know, I can still distance myself. You know, have people said that to him? I don't know. That's another reason I would say talk to other community members who are in leadership positions
and and get their take on it. If you walk away from those conversations going, they do not care and they are not worried about the safety of other people and they're just gonna let him do whatever, then, yeah, start your own munch. Find your inner core community to plan events with, travel if that's an option. It's not fair. You shouldn't have to do that. No. But But sometimes communities do not
Yeah. You know, do not do what they can, which is limited, to deal with, you know And and in the end, what it comes down to, your well-being, your mental health is what is important. Right. Right. But, yeah, I think we do get, you know, a little unnerved at knowing we're gonna have to be around somebody that we really don't like. We don't agree with what they've done. We worry they may be a danger. And being in the same room is not the
same as interacting with. True. True. So where that feels like it's possible for you Mhmm. You know, take advantage of that. The bigger events, the events where it's not really about talking to everybody you come in contact with, events where you can be across a room from somebody or in another room and those kinds of things. But if you have a personal connection to their ex and they are willing to talk about it Right.
That might be a person to to talk to about how they're doing and if they are coming out into the community and what they might be doing. But, again, that's a touchy one because you don't wanna pry and you don't wanna push somebody to give you information. It it's it's touchy. So that's that's the only thing I can
think. You know? If you wanna be involved in this community and this is all you've got access to, then you're gonna have to find a way to navigate around knowing more about somebody than you might know about the person you're sitting next to. That's the other thing. Not everybody has their dirty laundry aired on FetLife where we can all witness it. Mhmm. And they're still going through not dissimilar things. So you you gotta weigh your own comfort there, I think.
Yeah. Anything you would add? I don't think so. I I I feel bad for them. Yeah. I I mean, hell, I feel bad for their ex, especially if they're trying to be in the community. Like, it's and then I I feel bad for everybody if community leaders are disregarding some of the regarding some of the problems or not doing anything to attempt to address it and Yeah. Who knows what's going on. So maybe if you can get a little bit more information.
This is one of those where would lean heavily on anybody who can, hear the sound of our voices, to say if you have been in a situation like this, feel free to comment wherever we are connected. Mhmm. YouTube comments. The show notes page on our website has a comment section on social media and share what how you've handled things like that or how your community has handled things like that. Yeah. Because we can all learn from one another. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super
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