You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the I mean, technically, you're a grumpy daddy, but you're also a very sweet daddy, and I love you very much, John Brownstone. Wow. And I didn't say that because I've done anything wrong. You hear about that? Yes. Quite positive. Positive. I am way too anxious to be walking around knowing I've done something I'm not supposed to and not having brought it up
or already been caught. That's just not that's not how I'm wired. That's not at all what we're talking about this week. Nope. This week, we're answering a question from a kinkster whose partner has twice done something they've been asked not to do, and now they're wondering, is this a red flag or if they're overreacting due to past trauma? Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have
happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you have a question that you'd like us to answer, you can submit that to us, at a link that we literally labeled ask your questions. You'll find that in the show notes of this episode or on our website at lovingBDSM.net. That's lovingBDSM.net. Okay. Let's get into the question. I'm in a three year daddy dom DS relationship with my boyfriend.
Protective, looks after me, and is supportive and encouraging in every aspect of my life, both in kink and vanilla life. He has ADHD, and this is something we both work within the relationship to accommodate. A few months ago, he playfully tapped my cheek in conversation. This wasn't done out of anger, but it made me feel uncomfortable and I addressed this with him. I also work with neurodivergent children and sometimes when they're overstimulated, they will tap or squeeze as a way
to self regulate. And that is what this felt like to me even in the moment it happened. I addressed it with my boyfriend in a very casual, vague way and he agreed that he wouldn't do it again. Later that day when we were relaxing, he got up and told me to get up too to start the day as he had a fun date planned and he playfully reached out
and tapped my cheek again. I was very upset by this, and we spoke, and he apologized and reassured me that it won't happen again and that he did it impulsively and out of habit as he is very playful with play fighting with friends and family, which I have witnessed. In the past, when a boundary has been
breached, he has been very respectful. And over the past two months, every time I've brought this up in an anxious moment, he has given me space to talk it through and also encouraged me to talk to my mom if that would help me feel more comfortable. I have a history of trauma, which he has been helping me to gradually work through.
My question, is this a red flag? I don't wanna break up with him as I love him, but I also worry that he may be saying all the right things, but this will happen again and lead to something worse. Am I letting my past trauma impact my present relationship? I don't really I I don't know. Don't really see it as a red flag, I don't think. I think I would see it if it hadn't happened the same day, like, you just talked about it. Mhmm. You know this person is impulsive. They you know?
Yeah. You this person has experience working with other people who are neurodivergent, so they see a lot of things. If it never happened again after this moment Mhmm. I'm inclined to say it's probably not a red flag with caveats of but there's other things to consider and questions to answer for yourself. But if it continuously came back up again and each time the same excuse, that's absolutely
a red flag. Even if the tapping is not the red flag, the unwillingness to do whatever is necessary to teach yourself a new habit, yes, that is harder when you're neurodivergent. And and I was just gonna say, you know, be because of the fact that this person is ADHD, you know, and we we both kinda know from dealing with our oldest, you know, how things can, you know Absolutely. Say something one minute and it's
gone the next. Right. You know, on until find a way to work work it out to make it a permanent thing. Right. But the difference is when somebody is a child Mhmm. It is incumbent on the caregivers and parents to help them develop that habit. When incumbent on the caregivers and parents to help them develop that habit. When you are a an adult who is trying to live a responsible life, you can absolutely ask for and accept help from outsiders to
help you change those. There's gotta be something within you that is like, what do I have to figure out for myself so that I make sure I don't do this? You will still screw it up. You will still forget because that's just a little bit how of the neurodivergent brain works, but there has to be a willingness within you to go, what are the steps and methods I have to do to not do this thing that is a literal boundary of a partner I care about? You know, it's one thing to go, oh
my gosh. I did that, because I was feeling impulsive, because I was playful, and I didn't realize. I will even accept later the same day because it the the synapse we've not correct connected the neurons there. Right? Like, there's no pathway to remember that yet. So I, from the outside looking in, would personally go, yeah. It's probably okay. Second time in the same day.
But then the next question I would ask you as the person to experience is, what did your partner do after that to do their very best to to make sure they never forgot again? They write it on their hand. They put a sticky note on a mirror. Did they check like, what did they do to try to make better decisions until they could remember and it not be an impulsive thing anymore? Right? Because here's
the thing. Yes. For folks who are neurodivergent and so brains are wired differently, habits form differently, being impulsive is a thing for some folks and you have to those are the reasons that sometimes we do the things we do, but we don't get to use that as an excuse to never change our behavior in a way that makes, you know, us safer for our partner and have a happier
healthier relationship. Right? It can be the reason you struggle with the grown ass adult who wants to respect boundaries in your relationship, kinky or otherwise, to figure out what you're gonna have to do to not do that thing anymore. And that is the thing I would tell somebody, like this specific person and anybody else who's kind of in this situation, how does this person person and anybody else who's kind of in this situation. How does this person handle changing their behavior?
If every time they forget, they just shrug and go, well, you know me. I got ADHD. I can't help it. That's a red flag. That that is a different story than that. Yeah. If they never again did that and and, not or, and, anytime after that about anything else, you went, oh, no. I'm not good with that. That's that's I don't want you to cross that boundary. I don't I don't accept that treatment, behavior, action, whatever, they did their best to correct it and to never do it again, then I don't
think you're dealing with a red flag. It's about it's not just action in the moment, it's patterns of behavior. What are they doing every time you have to tell them no, I don't really like that. Right? What are they doing every time they figure out they need to change their behavior in some way and not let their impulse guide them all the time?
What are they doing to make it so that they can stay within your boundaries and live with the reality that they're they're gonna be impulsive and they're gonna forget, and it's harder to form habits as somebody with ADHD than a neurotypical person. What are they doing? That's the thing that would tell me is this a red flag or not. Go ahead. I mean, you know, that that is a good point that you brought up. You know, if if if and and see, I guess that's why it doesn't really
go into it. If the person is making an effort Mhmm. You know, to to do something about it, yeah, that that's that's important. And that effort being not actually doing it. Right? Like, it's not effort if the third time they reach out and just kind of go, oh, my my bad, and then the fourth time they're like, you know, I'm like, what what is the active effort? The effort does matter, I think. True.
True. You know, but at at the same time, you know, seeing somebody make an effort rather than just, you know, like you said, and I thought it was funny because the way you said it, but, you know, turning around saying, oh, you know, I've got ADHD. I can't, you know, that that is just, you know, not taking responsibility. Right. And that would be the thing I would say to this person. Yeah. Does your partner take responsibility not just for that action, but other things that y'all had to work
through? This can't possibly be the only thing you've ever had to through. It might be the thing that hits closest to the triggers you have because of your past trauma. Now, here's the thing: are you seeing this through a specific lens because
of past trauma? Hell yeah, you are. You went through what you went through, and it never completely goes away, And, you know, hopefully you're you've worked with a therapist, you've you've done whatever you need to do to get yourself to a place where you're, like, you know, doing the best you can and you've kind of worked through some of that. Let me remind you, we don't ever ever go over, around, or under. We gotta go through it. Right? Mhmm.
But that doesn't mean that these that things that happen won't absolutely hit on the triggers from your past trauma. Right? Right. So then that's my other question to you. How much of your current partner's behavior hits your triggers and what does he do
about that? If if you are in some way, and I don't want to say every three months, every six months, I don't know what the timeline is, but if you are consistently enough, based on your personal preferences, being triggered by your partner's behavior, and it's sort of simply explained away, but then there's always another one and there's always another one, I'm gonna have questions for you about whether this is a genuinely a good relationship
for you. Now that doesn't mean and I don't say that to mean that a partner can never trigger us because of a a past, thing we've gone through and trauma from our past, it will happen. JB and I have been together Mhmm. For twelve years and still to this day, every once in a while, I'm like, oh. There there is something that, yeah, pops up. But I am also aware of my triggers, and I know I can talk to him about them. And he has gotten better and I have gotten
better. Like, my biggest trigger is a loud voice, whether it's raised at me or at someone else. JB is aware of that. So he does he takes extra precautions not to do the thing. I have an understanding in my mind that I can be triggered and then also once I calm down I can look at it and go but was that directed at me And that or was that something else? And that is a job for me because coming from an Italian family, people who are naturally loud. Right. So if
you're thinking about, oh oh, yes. My partner has triggered me in the past. Okay. Were was that behavior, directed at you? Or was it because you're triggered by just certain things that humans sometimes do? And or were you have you been triggered by a partner's behavior enough, whatever your definition of enough is, even if it wasn't directed at you, but they directed at other people and you're like, wait. If you'll treat other people like this, will you treat me like you see
what I'm saying? There's there's a delicate balance. There's no black or white answer, and we all have to kind of decide on our own limit of what we're like, okay that that's okay. I I'm good with this. This doesn't feel dangerous to me. I don't I'm not scared to be here versus I'm watching my partner genuinely try to do better, but I know they're human and sometimes they're gonna mess up. What is this how much of the sometimes is too much versus not enough. Right?
My personal thing is if it's a thing that I so very rarely see from JB, and I know that I can easily make him aware of it and he will apologize, he'll try to remember for next time, he will and but it's not a consistent thing that I'm constantly dealing with, then I'm I'm not looking at him going, I can't believe you triggered me. I can't believe you did that thing that took me back to past trauma. I'm going, oh, okay. Let's let's work around this. However, if I had told him years ago, wait.
Every time you get loud like that, I really struggle with it. And then he kept purposely or just was unwilling to think about it being as loud or getting louder and going, what? I didn't wasn't yelling at you. Yeah. Now that's a problem. Right? So there's degrees of this. There's Yeah. Nuance to it. It's really about your personal sense of safety and asking yourself those questions. How does my partner, you know, respond? Did they ever do this to me? And you're talking about it happening
twice in one day. Okay. What happened the next day and the next day and the next day? How do they handle it when you're like, hey. Please don't do that. How often are you going, hey. No. I'm not okay with that behavior. Like, those kinds of things I think will give you a better sense of is this one thing a red flag or not. But, also, let's just acknowledge your past trauma is absolutely impacting this. And it
just means Oh, yeah. That you're more aware you have damn good reason to be more anxious or uncertain or look closer at, you know, behavior. Yes. It can mean that maybe you overreact a little bit, but quite frankly, if this partner is as good with you and is trying to work with you as much as possible on, you know, moving through that past trauma as you say, then they will most likely they should, to some degree, be very understanding of that and going,
yeah. You you've gone through it and you, you know, we're we're still experiencing this together, and I'm here for you. And what can I do to make it better? And I think it's not just one thing, but it's a lot of things. Yeah. Mhmm. I mean, every once in a while, yeah, somebody walks in, and it's like their red flag is, like, on one of those, like, potato launcher things and they're launching them left, right, and center and there's no doubt
to the outside observer Correct. Oh my god, this is awful. And then there's times when it's more subtle and, yeah, you have to weigh these things. Right. And I'll say this, somebody else's that's an unacceptable red flag I'm breaking up immediately, can be somebody else's maybe it's bad behavior. Maybe it's ADHD, and they're trying and they're learning. Only you can decide where your line is.
And if this partner has not crossed that line for you since this incident and they weren't crossing that line for you multiple times prior to this incident, you know, from the outside looking in with zero additional context, I go, man, you're probably fine, but only you get to decide that for yourself. So I don't know how much that helps or not, though. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
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