You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the I love you and I have nothing else to say, John Brownstone. I love you too, baby girl. The the snarky brain is not snarking right now. Give me a moment. Once I get warmed up, I'll sass you left, right, and center. But right now, I got nothing creative. I'll go with it. Yeah. Take it while you can. Just take it while you can. That's not what we're talking about this week.
This week, a submissive wants to get back into power exchange and kink with their dom after a lot has gone on in their life, but absolutely nothing is happening. Yeah. Not at all. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Add the podcast to your favorite podcast
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comes out. And so what we have decided, is there will not be a Monday episode until the end of summer. We are in Florida, so the end of summer is not when you think it is. Right? We've changed our livestream time for the summer so that we don't melt in the middle of the day. And so we're going to not record q and a episodes through that time as well.
You can still send us your questions. And once we get back to our regularly scheduled time, we will come back to recording these episodes, and we'd love to have a bunch of questions to come back to. But, yeah, we're we're going on a a summer schedule that's not a full hiatus, but, also, we don't wanna melt in our office and recording space. So Right. Just remember. And, you know, in in Florida we have summer and then summer summer. Yeah. And then the two weeks of winter.
Spring is when we preheat for summer. Yeah. Summer really can start, like, May if depending on temperature and can run until October minimum. I've even still felt summer heat. Into November. Right. We get fall ish for a few weeks. Well, we get fall ish for a couple months and, like, interspersed, and it'll be, like, a week where it's really cold. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. Yeah. So, yeah, we're we're in summer
summer. Yep. Mhmm. My husband and Dom and I have been married for ten years together for twelve, and we have a twenty year age gap where I am younger. When we were early into dating, I made it clear, at least from what I thought, but I admit I've gotten better at communication since then, that I knew submission was an identity pillar for me and that it was something that couldn't be changed and was a critical piece of what makes me me. I love him and to his credit, life
has been crazy. We moved across the country, have both had our issues with our mental health, can't forget the pandemic. His relapse, that was the most difficult. Rock bottom happened and we've been in a couple sessions for almost a year now and have rebuilt a lot of trust. The whole time, DS never happened. Sure there was some kinky fuckery. Rarely, no power exchange, no munches, no dungeons, no rules, no expectations, no negotiating, no yes no maybe lists, no interest in
books. I can say we've tried an app and it continuously falls through. I can't help but think that he isn't as interested in this. I've brought it up and in and out of sessions, he swears he's interested. Actions speak louder than words and there's been no action or initiation on his part. Life's been difficult and I expect the ups and downs, but it's not an ebb if it never flows. I love him and we do so well
in every other aspect. We've had poly discussions and he used to be open to it for casual sex, but he is now determined that he isn't comfortable with me having another dominant in my life. I'm also a super anxious person. I'm so in my head on this and it's driving me crazy. I just want to explore, find my physical limits, play with new toys, or maybe even just the ones I've already paid for. Anything. Is this sub frenzy? Am I being too needy? Am I asking for too much?
Wow. I think we can those last three questions, I think is an easy answer. Yeah. I mean And that answer is? No. No. You are none of those so that's not sub frenzy to me, what what you've described. And no, you're not too needy, and no, you're not too much. No. You know, I'm I'm afraid it it kinda comes back to the thing you can lead a horse to water, you can't make him drink. Mhmm. You know, if if deep down, he is not interested in being a dominant, there is nothing that's going to
to make it work in that aspect. Now, on on the other side of that coin, I'm very glad that you brought this up in therapy, as part of your therapy, which is really really good. And, you know what? Yes. Life is crazy. We just went through a stint of crazy life this past month. In the past five years, but we're not really counting. And, yeah. You know. And, you know, sometimes it's the the little small things that we have that get us through.
So, you know, maybe that's what you all need to look at. You know, sometimes when when life get crazy, you need simple things that, you know, look simple from the outside, but can have a big impact in some ways. And that are will not overwhelm somebody who may already be overwhelmed at other parts of life. You're talking about a relapse And let me go back. Let me make sure I'm listing all these things correctly. You know, mental health, that's huge. The pandemic messed us all up. And your
dom had a relapse of some sort. You don't go into details and you don't need to. That's huge. When you say rock bottom happen, it can take a long time to crawl out from rock bottom Yeah. Just to get to level ground again, let alone trying to climb new heights. Right? So Absolutely. There's also the fact that your partner may need more time than you need. That doesn't mean you can't do anything. I don't think that means that you shouldn't be able to ask for what you want
and make it clear what you want. I agree with you. Doing small things can, you know, give you some of what you need and also probably help your partner realize that maybe he can trust himself again, that he really can do this. You know, depending on the situations y'all were in and specifically that he was in, does he even trust himself right now? Is he got any amount of confidence in his ability, not just as a dom, but
as a human being right now? Like, there's a lot that goes into wanting to be intimate with a partner, wanting to dominate or be dominated. And it's not just the desire to do it. There has to be this belief in yourself that you can do it. Mhmm. Especially if your confidence was completely rocked and you haven't been able to do anything you used to do in however long it's been. I know I know for me, when I hit rock bottom with my, depression,
you know, it it wasn't pretty. And last thing I wanted to do was jump into a full blown Mhmm. You know, DS relationship. We talked about it long and hard, and and we started rebuilding small, you know. And and we are still in the process of rebuilding almost a year later. Mhmm. That's our whole project for 2025. Yeah. And we don't get to do all the things that come to either of our minds all the time. Like, it I might suggest something, and I have,
actually. We're in the process of negotiating, and it could be a month or so before we make it happen. So all that being said, that does not make what you want and need too much, does not make you too needy. The knowing what you want and missing it is not sub frenzy. Doing less advisable things that could put you in harm's way in order to have that experience of submission, that is typically sub frenzy. So the thing first to determine is are you both genuinely still interested?
You have shared here all the things you have said, all the things you know you want. What has your dominant partner said to you? How are they expressing themselves? If they are at the point where you say it all and they go, Yes, that sounds good, and they have no ideas of their own, they have they don't even initiate the conversations, then the conversation to have is, Okay, husband, I need you to get really real with yourself and me, and where are you
actually at right now? It is certainly not uncommon for a dominant, especially men, just in general, thanks, you know, to a patriarchal society for but for a dominant, sometimes man, but not necessarily, to be unable to admit to themselves that they feel insecure. They have a lack of confidence. They're not sure if they even know what they're doing anymore. You know? It it's almost like they think that they're admitting defeat or weakness. Well, weakness is not
necessarily a bad thing. Every single one of us has weak moments, weak points, places and and times of life where we need to lean on other people. And but if you have a partner who is not being real with themselves or you about that, you're gonna stay in this cycle of, yeah, yeah, we can do that. Yeah, yeah, we can do that. And then no follow through. No initiation. No nothing. Right? And then both of you are dissatisfied, two different levels. You're dissatisfied because you're like,
I want all these things. I'm getting none of them. And depending on the type of person your partner is, they're disappointed in themselves. They're they hate that you're unhappy. They think they're failing at something. So the very beginning, there needs to be a level set of where your partner actually is mentally and emotionally when it comes to what, you know, what kind of kink life you maybe can have.
And, if it's completely incompatible, if they, you know, get honest with themselves and then therefore you and go, yeah. I don't want this anymore. Only you get to decide if Right. If that's a deal breaker. Now I never want personally to make somebody feel bad or feel ashamed because they're not interested in opening up their relationship because it was a very personal choice and nobody gets to dictate whether a partner agrees to non monogamy or not.
But the thing I find interesting is that at one point, your partner was like, sure. Sure. We can open it up for casual sex, but, no. We can't open it up for kink. Well, that implies a responsibility on the part of that partner to provide the kink. Like, you know, if you're willing to be non monogamous at all, sometimes you're just not even willing. It doesn't matter. Okay. Different decisions
need to be made. But if non monogamy is kind of on the table, but the one thing you desperately need and crave that your partner knows, that your partner normally gives you, and they're unwilling to give it to you, like, that's another deep discussion that has to be had. That does not mean just do what you want anyway. That does not mean that your partner is wrong for feeling that way, but I do think it's unfair to you
for that. Like, no. No. No. You can go do these other things, but this one thing you're craving that I could provide and I am unable and or unwilling to, you can't go get that anywhere else. Well, okay. Then what are your options? What other options do you have? Would be the question I'd be asking. It's like, if you're not ready to be my dom or you don't wanna be my dom at all, what are my like, what are we supposed to do here?
But, you know, just from some of what you've listed, I I would be shocked, if there's a mental fortitude and readiness and confidence Yeah. There Yeah. Ready to, like, to be able to step into the dominant role. And if if they either think they can't do it anymore because it's been so long since they've done it, or they just don't feel like they're they're ready yet to do that, that's the honest conversation to have, and they need to get honest with you
about that. And, you know, to be to be honest about it too, let's face the facts. You know, you've been through some stuff. Mhmm. Okay? And and just like our just like us, RDS right now does not look anything like it did Mhmm. Five or ten years ago. Mhmm. Alright. So if you're trying to recreate what you had, that could be part of the problem too. Right. Okay. You know, as as time moves on, you know, we found we could not go back to what we had. So we kinda had to start
from scratch a little bit. Mhmm. You know, some things, yes, did stay, but for the most part, things did get shook up and we had to move in a different direction. Right. We had to do things differently than we had done. Right. Two other thoughts come to me. First of all, you say there's
a twenty year age gap. Now even if you somehow got met and got married when you were 20, and now it's ten years later, that still means, like, the minimum your partner might be is 50, but I kind of imagine maybe they're in their sixties or closing in on 60. 60 can be rough. Okay? And if your partner is actively feeling their age and maybe they're even noticing mentally, emotionally, physically that they don't function like they did. I hope they're talking to you
about that. I hope they're talking to somebody about that. But that absolutely on the physical side of kink has has made a huge impact on our power exchange. JB sometimes physically cannot do the things he once could. Now maybe he For as long as I did. Right. Like, the stamina is not always there. The you have had more injuries and health issues recently, and so that puts the kink side completely on the back burner until we get those worked out. Figure out what the new normal is.
So there that could absolutely be, an aspect too that y'all want to talk about. I know it took JB a while to start admitting to me, I don't feel like I did a few years ago. I I get tired more easily. I don't you know, I get out of breath more easily. I this hurts. That hurts. You know, if your partner is already maybe not in a place where they feel like they're they can fully bare their soul to talk about their emotional state, the physical state might be
part of that. And that can knock your confidence too when you physically can't do things she wants to. So that's one thing. The other thing is, yes, there's a lot in kink that, you know, either requires a partner or is just better with a partner, but is there anything that says you can't go to munches, you can't read books,
you can't do online workshops? Maybe the if you do, like, let's say an online workshop, maybe that low pressure situation is enough for your partner to be willing to just sit in the same room and you don't have your headphones in and and you let the speakers play whatever is being taught, you know? Sometimes we can educate each other through osmosis that way. So are there things that you can do on your own that
are enjoyable? Like, I completely get the idea of I don't want to go to these things or be in these spaces by myself because all it does is make me think of who's not here with me, that that's completely valid. But there is nothing wrong with you making your own kink friends. If in person stuff is not really an option, what can you do online? What communities
can you be a part of? Who can you get to know and just have somebody to talk to about, you know, things you're interested in or what you're going through or whatever whatever? There's in my mind, there should be nothing that stops you from doing that except you. And then I would say, okay. Please try not to to do that to yourself, even though I totally get anxiety and social anxiety and, like, all of that.
But that is another avenue to explore just for yourself while you're working these things out or figuring out what the new reality is gonna look like for the two of you. So yeah, let's see if we could do a quick recap here. See if you can get your partner to have an a deep honest conversation about where they're really at. Not the yes I want to do this with you, but the why it's not happening. Like in whatever way y'all relate to one another, like kind of push
a little bit. But why is it confidence? Is it is it fear? Is it you're just not quite ready yet? Whatever it is, get deep into those conversations. Realize, like JB said, whatever you come up with probably won't look like what you had before because everything has changed since then. Mhmm. It may be that there's just more time needed. Right. Could be an aging issue that's killing the confidence and the stamina and all of
that. Mhmm. And then what can you explore on your own that lets you connect to your kinkside in some ways? Yes. They're imperfect. No. It's not enough. But if that idea if that resonates with you, if there's an appeal to that, there you know, there's no reason to not seek out community and friendship Right. Just in general. Mhmm. So, yeah, that that is what I have to say. Mhmm. Okay. Okay. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q
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