You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast. Kayla Lords here with the 1, the only, the I've got nothing witty to say, but I do love you, John Brownstone. I love you too, baby girl. The brain ain't raining. So I know. The snark is kind of It's been a bumpy couple days for us. Yeah. In some some ways. Yeah. Yeah. But we're here, and we're gonna answer a question. Yeah. This week, we're answering a question from a Dom who worries that they're being unreliable with their submissive partner.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If you're new here, we help kinksters like you have happy, healthy power exchange relationships. Have the podcast your favorite podcast app so you never miss an episode. And if you'd like us to answer one of your questions in an upcoming one of these, you can use our contact page. It's literally called ask your questions on our website. That's at loving BDSM.net.loving BDSM.net, or the link should be in the show notes for this episode. Okay. Let's get straight
into the question. Right off the top, am I unreliable or consider or considerate? I'm struggling with my confidence as a daddy dom. I feel like I might be unreliable or unbelievable. My wife and I are in a 247 power exchange. I find myself telling her that I want us to do something before we go to bed, and by the time we get there, it's extra late or she's exhausted or life just happens.
At that point, I normally say that we'll skip that thing, and it's not a big deal because sleep is more important. On one hand, I feel like it makes me seem like I keep going back on my word or I won't follow through. On the other hand, I feel like it's just being considerate and looking out for my wife slash subs best interest. It's a big struggle and I feel like I may not be cut out to be a dom. How do you view these conflicting
thoughts? What advice do you have? For context, we have 3 kids ages 15, 13, and 9 who are involved in sports and school activities. We discovered DS in 2020, and it has been the best thing for us. Yeah. First of all, I'm gonna say this. I want you to cut yourself some slack. Right? Well, when life lives, ain't nobody playing. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. We we know all too well Mhmm. When life lives Right. You you ain't fighting it. Mm-mm. You don't
fight it. No. You know? So, yeah, you know, no, I, I think, you know, yeah, we, we both agree, you need to cut yourself a little bit of slack. You know, yeah, life is life, and, you know, yeah, we all get tired, and, you know, some sometimes things do not work out the way they should. Right. Or we want them to, I should say. But, with all that, I I think what what would work well with you, with y'all, especially since you got a lot of stuff going on with the family,
schedule the time. Mhmm. I I I think you really need to look at, you know, scheduling the time and and, you know, keeping that schedule open where you can sneak in some time and, you know, there there's no interruptions, you're not tired, and, you know, sometimes that's the only way. It may not seem, sexy, you know, at the time and and all that but, you know what, it it life isn't like an erotic novel. No. And in some ways, thank goodness, but also there's not enough lube in erotic novels.
Right. Yeah. When and when you schedule it, it is put it in your calendar, your Google, your whatever. And it I mean, you don't have to label it kinky fuckery time now. Date night. Date night. Yeah. My favorite to do when, the kids were younger and still actually going to a school, is, you know, we work for ourselves, so we have a lot more control over this. And so if you don't work for yourself, you have to kind of rely on your PTO or whatever your your employer offers you.
But we would take days off. The children would go to the school. We would drive away. We would go do something. We it might just be for a couple hours in the morning. It might be the whole day. It might be that part of the day was devoted to fuckery and seining and whatever else, and then the rest of the day was, like, just being with one another and letting things be calm. It will not work out a 100% of the time, but if you never plan for it, it's probably never going to happen.
So maybe in a given month, you take a half day off together. Maybe in another month, you do a date night. If you are fortunate enough to have childcare, you know, is your oldest old enough and responsible enough? Maybe not. I wouldn't have left the 15 year old too long with his little brother back in the day. But, you know, do you have somebody you can rely on to watch your children? Can they go to, you know, a family member's house? Can can do y'all do sleepovers?
Can somebody go hang out at somebody else's house Yeah. And give you that time? And that way, I'm not I would not say stop promising something or or saying that you might do something, you know, at the end of the day, when you go to bed, whatever. I would just keep trying to do that as long as that feels like something you wanna keep trying to do. But then also, schedule in these other times. The other thing, and I have to remind JB of this all the time, all the time. I will take 10 minutes
Yeah. Of kinda sleepy, kinda slow, not too, involved, not too crazy, no props, fuck kinky fuckery together over over nothing for weeks weeks. If all he can do is give me a hand spanking while I am bent over the bed and he doesn't have to haul back and wail me, it's just like it could be a few taps,
that is better than nothing. So while I absolutely relate to the idea of it finally being time to go get go to your own bedroom and, like, close the door and shut the world out and being exhausted, sometimes you will still be just too exhausted. But don't necessarily overthink it that even a small amount of kink isn't somehow worth it. It can be because it it maintains the connection that you have with your partner. Absolutely. Another thing
I wanna point out though Uh-oh. And, I I mean, I know I know my biases. Okay? JB is a daddy dom, and to me, he is a quintessential daddy dom until he gets sadistic. And then I'm like, sadistic daddy did not have to come visit. You have labeled yourself a daddy dom. That, in my mind, with my own biases, tells me that you are a nurturer and a caregiver. That's kind of the umbrella that daddy and mommy and, you know, whatever doms like
that, caregiver doms fall under. So what you're doing at the end of the day when you see that your sub had a really hard day or your sub is exhausted or, you know, you know both of you are exhausted and you're not gonna make it through the next day if you stay up too late playing tonight, you are actually doing the job of a daddy dom. The job of a of a dom of any type is not to constantly be providing scenes. It is not constantly to be provide
be providing fuckery. There are other parts of dominance, and to me, this is a perfect example of it. Now if you're dissatisfied with the how often you have to kinda go back on your own, I thought we were gonna do this, but that's not a good idea tonight. That's when it's like, okay. So schedule some time. Mhmm. I don't I when I say this, hear me out, lower your expectations. And what I mean by that is go back to that whole idea of 5 to 10 minutes
is better than 0 minutes. Right? A light, easygoing moment between the 2 of you that taps into your mutual kinks is better than weeks upon weeks of absolutely 0. Right? But you're already being a dominant by taking care of your partner. Right. You know? As a daddy dom, that's that's kind of in the job description. Right? So you don't have to, in my mind, you don't have to worry about whether you really are a dom or not, or you're an unreliable dom.
Now it's really a matter of, okay, how do I prioritize this thing we have to keep skipping? Because if you have to submissive how she submissive how she feels. Does she feel like you're being unreliable, or is she kind of happy that you're making her go to sleep? Right? You know, we get we can get as individuals regardless of the size of the slash, we can get very wrapped up in our own heads about, uh-oh. Am I a bad
dom or sub? Mhmm. And we think that maybe we're not providing our partner with what they want, and maybe you're not. Maybe maybe your sub would like some more fuckery in her life. But instead of getting yourself all twisted up trying to figure out how you're gonna fix this on your own, talk to her. Yeah. She might have suggestions that you haven't thought about. She might be very grateful for the nights you let her sleep. You you just don't know until you have that conversation.
True. True. Mhmm. And, you know, another thing kind of popped into my head. You know, if at all possible, you you know, you talk about how sometimes the evening gets away from you, you know, maybe you can look and sit down and look and, you know, a little time management. Could be. You know, kind of what what is the nightly routine? Is there things that you can, you know, adjust Mhmm. To to give yourself a little more time in the evening? You know? I mean, that's something to think
about too. Mhmm. Are there things that your kids could take more responsibility on? Mhmm. And okay. I say this as, an indoor cat parent. Like, my kids did not do the sport ball thing. Okay. But is this, each kid has their own activities, or is this each kid has multiple activities. Do they need to do multiple activities? Can somebody help you help them deal with their activities? Like, what can you you might not be able to. You might it might just be this is your life
right now. Mhmm. But it's worth looking into how can we adjust the, there's a word I want and I hate it when that happens. But how can we adjust our life in order to make more time for us as partners? You know, in your mind, you're thinking of it maybe for kink purposes or power exchange purposes. Mhmm. But this is no different than a non kink couple needing to get some damn time to themselves. Right? Very
true. This is a universal problem of couples everywhere, especially if you're caregiving, whether it's children or your parents or you're doing both. Right? Like Yeah. The it it's going to take its toll. It's not gonna happen organically most of the time. Certain seasons of life, it's just not. It's just not. And so you have to configure your life around the things that matter to you, and your relationship with each other clearly matters to you.
That doesn't mean your children don't. It doesn't mean you need to ignore all of their needs, but what can be adjusted to just give you both some breathing space? Not even in a kink context, just as parents. Right? Like, what can you adjust where maybe a kid has a little bit more responsibility? Maybe they don't need to do those 18 things they'd really like to do. Or and this was easier as, the kids get older. Our oldest, we did this a lot. I was like, who can you ride with? Do
I have to drive you? Because if I don't have to drive you, I'm not. Yeah. And, man, not having to drive a kid somewhere? That will save so much time. That was a big load off right there. But those are seasons in life. Your kids might have to be older. You know? Things might have to change. Like, it's just it's the nature of the beast.
So I think being really mindful and purposely planning time outside of we'll do it at night, we'll do it before bed, and trying to just do it organically, I I think that's worth it. I also think, you know, look at how things can adjust all the way around just to give you all some more time. Yeah. But the thing I would not do is be, down on yourself because you're not giving your partner as much fuckery as y'all would like, as many scenes as you would like, as
whatever it is you're saying, hey. We'll do, and then you're not able to do because what you are doing is taking care of Right. Her and yourself. And maybe what you need to do is stop promising so much fuckery that's not scheduled or planned for. Mhmm. Maybe stop saying, hey. We'll do that thing later. Hey. We'll do that thing later. And either say, hey. Do we have 20 minutes right now? Can we go do that thing? Mhmm. Yeah. There you go. Wanna try to do that thing?
Or having a conversation with your partner where it's like, hey. Maybe let's work into our nighttime routine some level of fuckery. Mhmm. We do that. It's sometimes the only fuckery we get for weeks. I have to ask permission to go to bed. It's part of our, you know, power exchange routine. Mhmm. But I do that naked and bent over the bed. Mhmm. I might get a butt rub. I might get my ass whooped. Either way, I'm good. But we've created a routine that leaves room
for the fuckery. Right? Yeah. So it's it's gonna happen. It's just gonna be is it 30 seconds? Is it Right. 15 minutes? And that might be something to think about. And, you know, it's not even so much about the fuckery. Right? Yeah. So 15 minutes? And that might be something to think about. And, you know, it's not even so much about the fuckery, because, yeah, there are times I I spank her. There are times I just rub her butt, you know, but it's about the connection.
Mhmm. It is about the connection, and that's what it really all comes down to. Mhmm. And if you can find ways to connect Mhmm. Consistently enough, and consistently does not mean every single day all the time Yeah. But consistently enough so that you don't have to make, you know, the assurances, hey. Tonight, we'll do this. Tonight, we'll do that. You know, build it into your routine where you can and find little ways to connect that are
meaningful to both of you. Like, it might it might not be bent over a bed. You know, saying daddy cannot go to bed and you have to get, like, however many smacks he feels like giving you that. You know, it didn't have to be, but if anybody would like to steal that idea, go for it. Right. But that's that's another part of it. Like, we have our bedtime routine so set regardless of what time we go
to bed. Right? When the kids are big in their activities, some nights you could go to bed at a reasonable time, and some nights they weren't getting back from a school thing until midnight. Like but our routine always stayed the same. Mhmm. And JB can drive the is it a spanking or is it just a butt rub portion based on his energy levels, based on my energy levels, but we know we're gonna have that moment. Right.
So, you know, I think you're doing better than you realize because you just asked the question. You're thinking about it in these terms. Bad doms do not care about their partner. That's that's absolutely true. They do not care if they're doing a good job. Absolutely true. They care about what they're getting and only what they're saying. So I When you as you were reading the question, that was the first thing I'm thinking of. It's like, you know, this this the this person, they're they're
thinking they're, you know, not Right. They're you're assessing the situation. You're realizing things aren't going the way you think they will will go or that you are assuring your partner they will go. Yeah. And you're trying to make it better. I promise you, shitty doms do not do that. Do that. That is true. Unreliable doms don't do that. Yep. So you're doing better. There's just some tweaks you can make. Mhmm. And don't leave your partner out of the conversation.
She may have some good ideas. She might have been thinking about some stuff. You know, some some of the best things that that we've come up with sometimes are when the 2 of us sit down and brainstorm. Mhmm. It's a good reason to go have a coffee somewhere. There you go. And when we're broke, we just drive in the car Yeah. And we just talk. Mhmm. So however you can do it, whenever you can do it, but I'm I'm a firm believer. Put it in your calendar. And and do it midday at times when
you don't have parental responsibilities. They're off being educated by somebody else if that is a you know, if if you're like us and you got one at home for their education, it is different, and I haven't figured it out yet. I know. But if but if they're going somewhere else or they are old enough to watch over themselves and able to yeah. I'm a I'm a big middle of the day kind of person. Yeah. Mhmm. Yep. So yeah. Mhmm. Thanks for listening to this week's q and
a episode. If you want us to answer one of your questions, just use the contact page on our website at lovingbdsm.net, or you can find the link in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky community over on Patreon. We're able to do this podcast and keep it going and help kinksters due to your support. If you'd like to be part of our community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super
nice kinksters, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/ Kayla Lords. That's patreon.com/Kayla Lords, or use the link in the show notes.