Our Uneven, Non-Linear Return to Our D/s Life

You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four forty eight. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, probably the only human alive who would let me say, hey. We had this thing happen over the weekend. Can that be content for this coming week? John Brownstone. That'd be me. Thank god you're indulgent. This week, we are talking about something that we are currently and, like, literally within the past seventy two hours have experienced. So consider this ripped from the pages of

our life kinda thing. And that's how we're each experiencing our return to our DSLs in a very uneven, nonlinear, we want the same things, but we're not at the same level quite yet way. Fits and starts. Fits and starts. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.

Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. That's loving d s and the number one, so at loving d s one. On blue sky at lovingbdsm. Blah blah blah. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the

show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. We are able to keep being weirdos on the Internet coming up on ten years in large part because of our kinky patrons, and we are fucking grateful for every fucking one of you. If you would like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content and the Discord server where every time you hear us say, oh, we'll post that in Discord. Oh, that happened to Discord.

That's what we're talking about. You could do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kaylalords. That's patreon.com/kaylalords or use the link in the show notes. Okay. I don't really have any announcements, like, special announcements. I meant to add something new to our Etsy shop and just haven't yet. We're still doing we're back to doing restocks at the kinkerythekinkery.com.

So there are things there. There are some, like, really cool new wooden knives that JB, introduced recently, and I've got plenty of wax play candles. So if wax play is like your jam, we got you. But everything else is basically an arysta. Yeah. Right now, it's a good problem to have. But, I do think the day JB finally retires, it won't be because he wants to no longer work at all. It'll be so he can get away from the concept of restocking anything.

Pretty sure Hans is You know what? I I I you know, with a lot of stuff I've been doing, I am getting very close to being able to put AAC in the tiny shop. That is true. That is true. Yep. Just need a a few more things to Fall in line. Tweak in there and and fall in line and, yep, be able to get a AC. So then I can work in there and not Right. Melt. I don't remember anymore. Do those window rattlers, do they also have a heating component where you can

switch it and it'll blow warm air? I don't care about the cold. You say that now while you're hot. I know how you are in the cold. Well Anyway, thecancery.com. I can put on more clothes. I can only take off so much. Right. But the the conversations we have when you're super cold are not unlike the conversations we have when you're really hot. It's all I'm saying in the most diplomatic submissive way, lacking, possible, which does in its own way lead us into this week's topic.

I used to feel very weird about planning these kinds of topics even though I was like, yay. Content ideas that are easy. Because I'm like, who the hell wants to listen to, like, the ins and outs of our specific relationship that may have no bearing on your kink life? And then I had plenty of people go, no. No. No. We're all nosy bitches around here. Please do those episodes.

But the thing I wanna say that I hope, at least some of you can take away from this, is while the specific details might not pertain to you, you might not be the kind of submissive that I am, you might not be the kind of dumb that JB is, you might not be at a similar stage of a power exchange, whatever whatever. It's just a reminder because I needed it.

So I'm assuming others need it. That kind of where we're at with one another in the conversation we had over the weekend, which is just one of a few, and there's still more to come, is very normal. I don't care how long you've been together. Some of this stuff, you know, still crops up. So, yeah, so that's, like, the thing if you, you know, either you get to be a nosy bitch today or maybe it helps you now or in the future.

But this is absolutely, like, just a slice of our life, that we are literally still working through as we speak. Because who wants to wait until there's a resolution to talk about something? So I'm not quite sure where to begin with this because it looked like it was it started with an argument that was not an argument at all. Like, we were both annoyed with one another. But that for me wasn't really where it started. But for you, was that where this particular moment started for

you? Yeah. I mean, yes and no. I think some of it for me had been kinda simmering Sure. Under the surface for a little bit. Mhmm. So I'll take you on my journey and you interject when Okay. When the stars align and all that good stuff. So for the past several weeks, I got a lot on my mind. I pretty much always do. There's always tabs open in in my brain. And some of them had been kind of going down a not exactly positive thing. I've I've had moments where I'm thinking, am I is am I

is this depression? Like, is I don't know. I'm not a I'm not a professional to diagnose that. Is this perimenopause? It's always perimenopause because I'm in it. But how much of it is the the impact of perimenopause and how much of it is something else? Is it low dopamine and executive dysfunction, which can be perimenopause and it can be neurodivergency? I mean, it's sort of a I don't know. Pick your fucking player. I don't have

a clue what is causing Mhmm. A lot of the downturn of my mood and the lack of motivation and some weepiness and just some, like, apathy and ennui all at the same time. And I don't like feeling like that. But experience tells me that, you know, that is usually a time I'll start dwelling on things that are not great in other aspects of life. Now for the past several years, I've been very financial health, kids, blah blah

blah. And, you know, like, with kids and health stuff, that's still kinda there. With you know, we've entered new and interesting levels. And we haven't beat, the the baddie on this level yet, but it's fine. So in all of that introspection, because what else was I gonna do? And I had no energy to do anything else. I started thinking a lot about not our power exchange specifically, but Mhmm. Myself as a submissive, like, the things that I

need. And I think part of that is when I'm in those kinds of head spaces, I my brain does start, like, reaching out for what could help, what could make me feel better, what I don't you know, I'm past the point of thinking, oh, if I do these three simple steps, it'll fix everything. Like, I don't go there anymore. But I start trying to look around at my life like is there something external that's making me feel this way and what can I adjust? What can I do to help myself?

And one of the things I kept coming back to was not not wanting to think at all, quite frankly. That very stereotypical thing that I know other submissives will probably relate to to some degree of just turning off your fucking brain and letting somebody else just take the fucking wheel. I don't care if it's Jesus or JB, but somebody take the goddamn wheel. And you know, we've talked about it over

the past several months. Like, I like to follow like a little duckling and I like and those are in the happy fun moments where I'm like, oh, look. I'm getting this opportunity. But this was kind of bigger than that. This was I need not all the time. Our I'm not wired that way and our life does not work that way for an all the time shutting my brain off but like I need specific moments in time where I don't have to think about what the consequences

might be. Come up with 85 possible solutions and think about the fallout from those things so that we have some backup plans. Because that's how my brain works. Is that what you're supposed to do? Probably not. But that that's how my brain works because I do know I have anxiety. So yay. And, you know, it's just sort of this mental exhaustion. And I'm like Mhmm. I I I kinda know what I would like to again, not fix it, not, you know, make it go away, but, like,

a relief of sorts. And the moment I let myself start thinking about that, because it had it's been a very long time since Mhmm. Kayla just shut her brain off or anything. You know, I was thinking about how I missed it and how much, you know, that the idea of it, which is never the same thing as the actual experience of it, sounds great. And so then once my brain went down that path, I was like, oh, well, what else am I

missing? And I've the other part, the thing is one that you and I have talked about a lot is that I don't get to be in my baby girl headspace very often. No. I mean, unless it's the pouting, crying, whining side. The expressing displeasure in a safe way space with a person who lets me be myself in whatever form that's gonna come out in. Because when I'm upset like that and it's in private and it's just me and JB, I'm not like I'm not dropping f

bombs. I'm not yelling. I'm not cussing. That's what I do when other people can see me. I was like and it's very much a a whiny kinda thing. And I was like, I would like the more positive side of that. I'd like to just have these moments where and it wasn't that air quote, I wanna be a baby girl. It was I want my dom to be a daddy dom. Like, I want the daddy to come back into the daddy dom situation. Right? You know, not just a title, not just a label.

So all of that's in my head and has been, like, simmering and bubbling and, like Mhmm. Right? And then And I was simmering in a different way. Right. And I want to get to that. But let me say this and then please let us get to that. Yep. So here's what made me finally have to say it all out loud where he could hear me and not just in my head where it's just me, myself, and I. We're driving down the road and we're doing the dreaded what are we gonna eat this week so

we know what groceries to buy game. I hate it. I We both hate it. We're passionate. Oh my god. I just if I could ever be financially comfortable enough to not have to think about that again, I will take it. So we're going back and forth on, like, dinner ideas because now we're feeding for an extra person because the kid's home for a couple weeks. And JB throws out a suggestion and I do what I do. I think of all of the outcomes so that JB can make the most informed

decision. Is this what he really wants to do? Well then he gets annoyed because it does not sound like somebody's being a good specimen going, yes daddy. It's somebody going, here let me tell you why you're wrong. And so he got impatient and said, fine whatever. And it is never fine when they say fine. Whatever. In case you wondered. And then my feelings got hurt. It's real that part of my baby girl's self is very close to the front.

Hurt feelings. Oh my god. I I was, like, so and so then we did not talk to one another for, like I mean, in a loving way. Like, we existed because we went to the grocery store together, but we didn't, like, talk and make nice with one another for six hours. It was Yeah. Probably. So that's the catalyst for how we got to the part where I shared what was on my mind. Now while I've been simmering, you've

been simmering. Well, yeah. She she had all that simmering going on, and and I had been, in my own way, in my own head. Mhmm. You know, we I'm not gonna go into a whole lot of detail about it, but y'all remember, last year. And the previous years. And and previous years. But last year was was the worst for me. I I hit bottom. Mhmm. And, you know, it was it was it was a bad bad space for me. You know, now let's come into this summer when all this took place.

And now I feel like I'm walking on eggshells because I'm waiting for the bottom to drop out. Right. Because you're thinking about last summer and doing the comparison to this summer and it's a it's an immediate bad tape because it's just a year ago. Yep. It's it's too fresh. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. So that, had kind of been sitting in there and rolling around and didn't help make my mood any more joyous. No. It doesn't help with your, patience, I've learned. No. Or that. We were

just talking about that today. Yeah. He was joking about not being patient and I went, who are you? Right. Because Well, I I was that's where I learned that dreaded p word to begin with. I I have always been a very patient person, and recently I have been embarking on playing with something on on the scroll saw. And the first few times I I did this particular thing it turned out, pretty rough. It was not fit for, public consumption. Pretty pretty, it it it went to the burn pile.

But anyway, after getting some different blades that I needed to do this particular thing, found out using the wrong blades, which didn't help. But I had to slow way way down, Slow cuts. That's not a metaphor for life. I don't know what is. Yeah. I know. Right? I know. Have the knowledge, have the right tools, and slow the fuck down. Goddamn it. Yeah. So, you know, but it it's been hard for me to focus. Yeah. I've noticed that for sure. And that, you know, I I have been struggling to focus. And,

you know, yeah. The it it all came to head over the grocery list. Over the dinner that we literally ate just tonight Yep. Before we started recording and streaming. Yeah. You're right. Because You're right. I am I am nothing if not gonna try and make sure JB gets what he wants. And and that was, you know, when we ended up finally talking, it was but, again, it was multiple conversations. The first one was, I still love you. I still love you. Do we like each other? Yes. We do.

Alright. Okay. Here's a little bit of where my head's at. And then the next day, I kinda spiraled and ended up, like, weepy in bed. I got embarrassed because it was, like, I don't I have all this stuff in my head. I don't trust myself to, like, be consistent. And I know I need to tell you, but, and this is what I said, but what if you don't want what I want? And we have been, knock on wood, we've been very fortunate over the course of our relationship

Mhmm. Where we're not always at the same level with each other, but we tend to be on the same path going in the same direction, seeking the same things. Mhmm. And I'm not completely unaware. I'm self involved. I know JB can't focus. I know he's stressed. How do I know he's stressed? Not just because he tells me, but because there's a tone in his voice when he's stressed. And it and I talk to him more than any other human on the planet. So guess who gets to hear it? I know

what it sounds like. And I do what I would do for anybody that I care about, but, you know, in a power exchange, it just has more meaning. I am as, you know, being the submissive I am, the type of submissive I am, and also the people pleaser and all the stuff I should go to therapy for, the the thing I desperately don't want is for JB to be unhappy. And if I can help make that not a thing, then I'm gonna do that. So I'm hyper aware of this man's mood. Right? So all and he's been open about it.

We've talked about it. You've not hidden that for me. Right. He didn't need to, but still, it was good to have the conversation. So that's why in my head, I'm like, I might say the thing I need to say just to get it out of my head. But, you know, for the first time in all these years, I'm faced with what if he doesn't want what I am asking for? Now I get to come at that from knowing we have this foundation of love and trust

and compromise. And even if he's unable to give me everything I'm asking for, and I'm really not asking for that much, I don't think. But, you know, if he's not quite there yet, I know we'll find the compromise. We'll ease into it. Like, I know all

of that. So, you know, I have a lot more not that he didn't have empathy for people who find it very difficult to and they're uncertain when they're talking to their partner about their kinky needs, but I have a new level of empathy because for the first time, I'm sitting there going, this is the time he could reject this. Kindly with love, there's still rejection. And that for me was sort of the moment when I realized, wow. Look how far we've come and look how far we still

have left to go. Mhmm. And it was the and this is so naive of me to have this realization, but it's just because we've been lucky so far. It was the first time I had to face the reality that a a lot of people go through of we're not at the same place on this. Mhmm. And for different reasons for, you know and it could it could shift. We could come out of this summer and you, you know, the heat could break and

the bank account won't. And, you know, you could be on the upswing and the focus come back and the some of the stress will, you know, diminish. And then for all I know, that'll be when I'm the most stressed. And I'm like, I don't have time for the thing you're trying to give me, JB. And, you know, and we're we're mismatched a little bit more. The the the only good thing with this for me a little bit is for whatever reason, the creativity has been flowing.

Yes. I think see, to me, I think that's a good sign for you because because last year, there was the stress, there was anger, there was fear, there was depression, there was and all of those are separate things, but also the lumped together. And you were, you know, you were struggling to do the things you're always do and

have, you know, have the creativity flowing. So, like, seeing all of that and seeing how you get inspired and you're excited to go, except when it's really hot, excited to go into the shop and make the things and do the things and, like, do this thing you're passionate about, that lets me know that it this year is not last year. Right.

Yeah. But it takes a while to it could take I mean, for some people, it could take literal fucking years to stop kind of being mentally or emotionally stuck in a moment that was really bad because they're sort of on edge waiting for it to happen again. Mhmm. As somebody who has been stuck there too, like, I I completely get it. Which was another reason I'm was very hesitant to say anything. It's like, am I asking for too much? Not that I am too

much. I don't I I don't think that way anymore and I don't want anybody else out there. Yeah. Look, if they think you're too much, tell them to go find less. Okay? I know I'm not asking for too much because I am too much. But is this too much for JB to handle? And if I'm having that moment then why bother asking? Because the last thing I wanna do is put pressure on him. Which from a like in a loving healthy relationship,

those are not bad thoughts to have. Now add the layer of submission where I just desperately want my Dom to have everything he wants, and you can see how easy it is for you to push down your own needs and not talk about them because you don't want to, like, what? I don't wanna inconvenience him. I don't wanna stress him out. Mhmm. I don't want to ask him. I don't want him to try to do something he's not ready to do just to make me happy.

And maybe not everybody has 85 thoughts happening at the same time that revolve like that, but some of y'all do. I know I'm not alone. And that's all of that is just swimming in my head on top of this thing with a kid and this thing with that and this thing. You know what I mean? It's like, it was I mean, we ended up having a spat, a tiff. It was not a full blown argument. It was not it was about ground beef. It was about ground beef.

If you're ever like, what's the dumbest argument I could get into with somebody I genuinely love? Ground beef is up there. It It just is. And the noodles. And the noodles. And I think Can't leave out the noodles. If we had been speaking to one another when I finally just made the grocery list on my own, so JV did not have to think about it because clearly that was stressing him out, we might have bought more noodles for tonight's dinner. Plenty of beef, but not no noodles.

Yes. It it was it worked out fine. Fine. It really And you see, we we can laugh about it now. Right. So and I for the record, if anybody is confused, JB is giving his full permission and support to talk about this when it's, like, three days old. So for for anybody wondering, if we're I I didn't have to twist his arm, guilt him, or bat my fucking eyelashes. We're gonna get into this. Okay? Because that's

all the setup. That's all the background. That's all the what's happening that we're not talking about. So then we start talking. Yep. This is where I know for many of you, you might not relate because, you know, we're not the same type of submissive. You're not the same type of dom. Whatever whatever. But But here we go. Drip from the pages. The first I don't I don't know what order I said anything in anymore. I don't know. If that's there should no. No.

It but the first thing that was that I think of right now that I was, like, very important that I needed JB to understand about all of this, about I want more from the our current power change. I want to get back to more of the things that we've had. I think I said it eight times because you know me, I'm gonna repeat myself. So you are there's no question if you know what I mean and I'm right? There's no miscommunication. It's like, look, I'll do service all day long. I don't I don't this is not

that I wanna do less service. This is not that I'm not happy as a service. I'm very happy as a service in the way that we do it, where there's not a lot of, you know, assigned tasks as needed. It's more of a, here are the things I need you to do and I know my role and I know what JB will allow and what he won't and where I need to stop and go ask and where I can just do and inform and it is done as a service because I want his life to be easy and peaceful.

I'm not going to be his peace but I would like the rest of his life to be peaceful. And so I I look at that from the lens of acts of service. Right? And I said, look. I don't want any of that to change. I I am I'm not asking for less of that. I'm not asking for more of it, but I'm not asking for less. I said, but here's the thing with that kind of service. There is a lot of mental and emotional load that goes with it. There is something we talked

about a few weeks ago. I think there's some decision fatigue because I am empowered to make certain decisions because we've got the longevity of our relationship, and we know what the other would do and what the other would want. That's not six months to a year in a relationship kinda thing. That is years of being together and just knowing how things work in your life and your relationship. I was like, that takes its toll, and

I don't necessarily want less. I'm you know, I I was so I wanted to be so clear that I was not blaming JB for how I felt, that I was not unhappy with that part of my life. I'm just tired. I'm just tired. Yeah. And I I pointed out to him. I was like, look, the dynamic we've had for the past several years through all of the chaos we went through was like, you were very clear. I'm very honest. You could not be the same kind of dom. You did not

have it in you. So as we've said many times in past episodes, we put it on autopilot. Well, autopilot is a service up. Still means a lot of fucking shit to do. Right? Like, if I had needed to do less, we could have negotiated that, of course. But I like my routines and I like doing what I've I did yesterday and will do tomorrow because then I don't have to wonder what happened. Like, I just know and I just go and I do. I was

like, but here's the thing. I took on service that some of it I still have, like financial service. That's a whole other conversation that we tend to have many times. How the financial stuff goes. I was like I said, but, you know, while you took that step back that you needed Mhmm. I was like, I didn't shut it off. I said, the thing I shut off was being able to turn my brain off and being able to be taken care of.

That was always my thing when I was learning about submission and myself as a submissive and I figured out, like, baby girl is the word for me, little does not doesn't feel right to me, not that there's anything wrong with the word, it's just not right for me. Like, brat's not right for me. It's not.

Feitche is not. Anyway and the the hardest part of accepting myself as a submissive was the baby girl side because the baby girl side wants to be taken care of, wants somebody to make some decisions for her, wants to be told, no. You can't do this. Yes. You need to do that. Let me do that for you. You know? Let like, you just sit there and and be a sweet little baby girl. Okay. A spicy little baby girl, and I'll I'll do for you. Right? Not on big levels, but, like, these small things. Right?

And, Jimmy didn't have it in him for a for a long time. We would take moments where we could where I felt my baby girl self and he felt his daddy self. But that wasn't something we could do on any sort of regular basis. No. And and for me, you know, yeah, I I I fully admit it. You know, on on my journey back, You know, we have slowly brought back our power exchange. Mhmm. Very much the service sub The dom. Yeah. Like, the Dom sub, not the a little bit of outliers that we

kinda do. Not the nuances of our power exchange. Mhmm. And Gotta lost my thought. I hate it when that happens. Oh, Jesus. I'll keep talking and then I'll go back to you. It'll come back. Oh, god. I'm not the only one with Swiss cheese brain, but it Oh, no. Okay. You know, and my sadist side Mhmm. I have, you know Oh, you've embraced the fuck out of that for sure. I I wonder on that, is that sort of a stress relief for you? As much as anything else, as much as pleasure, as much as a personal

To a certain extent, it is. Yes. Is it stress relief? Yes. I mean, it helps that you, I guess, have a screamer and you like screams. So to the extent that I can, I do? Right. So we're having this conversation, and I again, I'm trying to reiterate, I'm not upset at being a service sub. I'm not mad at the service I've done over the several years. I'm not mad at the service I do now, but it's not enough. I am tired. Like, I am just exhausted.

And I need more than the occasional crossing a parking lot and just hold his damn hand brain shut off. I need something more than, oh, we tried this thing for this day out or this weekend or this like, I I need something that's sort of what's the the there's an expression, but I can't think of it. But, basically, it's sort of intertwined with the fabric of our relationship, like services. Service is easy. Services, I'll do for you. I'll take care of

this. I have said this before and I will continue to believe it's about myself. It's also because I got control issues. And I understand the irony of being a submissive submissive with control issues, but I know I'm not the only one. That's why it's so hard to give up control. But being a service sub, the way JB likes it for me likes for me to be, I get a lot of control. I just have to think about what would JB what would JB do? W w w j b d. That'll be a new bracelet, I guess.

And what has he allowed before? And then I've had to learn to stop myself when I have when I don't know for a fact. So that's kind of where, like, I'm tearfully. I'm just, like, crying into my hands and hiding my face. It was very much in my baby girl's face because what I did not want to see was the just kind of an expression that JB can get when he he empathizes and he wishes he could give you what you want, but he cannot. And I was like, I don't I don't wanna see that face.

I don't wanna see that reality before he he even gets to talk to me. Now here's here's the thing that kind of fucks with me because it just shows that nothing is linear and, you know, you can be riding a high one moment and then be crying in your pillow the next. And why is it like that? Was it was Sunday morning. No. That in in our Patreon podcast, I refer to as the great dickening. If you need a reason to to join our Patreon, I did call that the great dickening, where we had some of the best

kinky rough sex. Mhmm. Twice. Like, we had to, like, take we're we are not as young as we once were. We are not a spry as we once were. Twice in two hours? Are you kidding me? And it was it was delicious. It was delightful. I was It was. Man, I was feeling so good after that. It's like, you can't tell me nothing because I've been smacked. I've had my hair pulled. I pulled it back. I didn't even wash my hair after that. I pulled it back in

a ponytail. I'm just like, we're just gonna, like, swim in this. It was delightful. It's fucking delightful. And then several hours later, I was crying because I need I need more. Right? And not more in the JV is not enough. More in the I have different wants and needs and they're not being fulfilled. Now I know JB is still mulling and I'm not asking him to share trade secrets on a fucking podcast. But can you share your thoughts? Not necessarily your plans unless you want to. I'm down for

that. But what are you thinking about? And what are you like, where were you in during that conversation? Where was your mind going? And where is it at now? Whatever whatever. My mind's all over the fucking place. I know. Same girl. Same. Yeah. You know, I I think to a certain extent, deep down, I I knew because even myself, I knew daddy hasn't been out. Oh. And I'm long time. I don't miss the daddy that says no. That's not my favorite daddy.

But the daddy who buys Diet Cokes and, like, turns on the TV and says we're watching this. And the daddy who does that, I miss that. I don't miss the daddy that says no. Just he can he can keep on having his vacation. Just so you know, in case you wondered. So, you know, in in bringing that up, it it wasn't off the mark at all. You know? And, yeah, I've been noodling it. I've been thinking. Plotting? Yeah. I'm good with plotting. Okay. So, you know, yeah, I do not have any definite,

but I the plan is coming together. And I think I would find it very strange just the nature of our relationship if, like, one day we're just the way we've been, yeah, how for however long, and then you said, okay, tomorrow a switch flips and everything changes. I you know, it might but I feel like it would make more sense for who we are if if it just sort of starts showing up Mhmm. In these little ways, you know, part Yeah. Again, but part of it sitting right here is I don't want anything to

stress JB out. So if it is better for him to just do little things as he goes and not plan something big, then I'm not asking for. I'll minimize myself way too fast. That is not healthy and good. I'm not proud of it. Now JB said something to me. So part of the conversation Mhmm. Part of part of the blow up over ground beef and fucking noodles. Goddamn. I'm embarrassed about that now. Is JB did the thing that I like, it was like nails on a chalkboard to me. He goes, but what do you

want? And I'm like, no. That's not what we do here. I didn't say that part, but I did kinda say that part. And see, let me explain something. I know, you know, weeks ago, I went to you because I knew something was off. Oh, yeah. I've been off for a hot minute. You know. And, you know, you're you're kinda like, you know, you know, I'll I'll I'll I I think I need to sit down and write an email. Yes. Because I needed to organize my thoughts. Okay. And, you know, I I didn't say anything.

I wasn't pushing her, you know. I was reading looking for an email. Waiting for it with beta because I I prefaced it with, I think I need to write this out. I don't think I can say it. Mhmm. And I'll I'll be clearer and more organized. So this is not an argument email. This would be a here. I just need you to know what's in my head email.

So, you know, when the the way that actually came about was because in my thinking, I was like, I'm going through my head thinking of everything she has been doing. Everything that she's been doing. And and in my mind, I'm thinking, oh shit, her wells run dry. What does she, you know, what can what can she do, you know, that's why I think, what would you like? What, you know, that and that's where I was coming from with that. And you're like, nope. I know. And that the reason I brought

it up yeah. I was pretty pretty clear. There was clear communication there. The reason I brought it up is when we were having our conversation, JB literal sweetest thing because I think it is it's very easy for either side of the slash to go through this. I can only speak as a submissive. But you're sometimes worried that the things you're doing are not seen. They're not they're appreciated maybe, but they're they're doing are not seen. They're not they're appreciated maybe, but they're

like, nobody kinda gets what Mhmm. Goes into that. Right? And, again, that is either side of the fucking slash. If you were taking care of somebody in whatever way, I think we all at some level just want to be recognized for that. Now don't throw me a fucking ticker tape parade. I don't need a you know, I'll take a gold star, but that's just because I'm a gold star slut. But he said to me he said he said, do you know why I ask

you? What do you want? He was like, because you do so much for everybody in this family. I want you to have what you want. And I said, what I want is for you to tell me what to do. And see, that's where I was reading the room wrong because I'm not psychic. Well and you know what? Here's what's funny. That to me is how far down the we're not at our best DSLs hole we had dropped because a few years ago, he he would've I think he would've intuitively understood that what I wanted was to be told

what to do. You would've approached it differently. Yeah. You would've checked in in and made sure that no no you are reading this right. But the first thing you thought of would not be let me give her everything my sweet little baby girl wants. So it would have been like, how can I tease the shit out of her and make her smile? Like, you know, that's sort of the distance we are from where we used to be to where we are now to where we're trying to get. Yeah. And and so then I had to have

the conversation. And I get where it comes from. It tells me that you have listened and paid attention to the service part of Mhmm. My submission. And, God, I appreciate that because haven't we all known at least one person in our life that we try to do things for, and they just took advantage of that shit. And that's not even a role thing. That's just a person thing. I married that one. Done with that. Won't go back. But oh, God. I just lost my train of

thought. Oh, but the problem with the way I we do service and the way I've done service where I've taken on a lot of stuff in order to make JB's life easier, right, is that I have definite thoughts and opinions about how things should be done. And I have moments where I want to be involved in that decision making. It's important to me to be involved in that decision making. And then there are times

I don't give a fuck. And I've tried to I've tried to signal that where he'll JB will ask, what what do you think about this? I'm like, it doesn't matter to me. Whatever you want. And it's been on weird stuff. Like, should we go to, this gas station or that gas station? That's the level of I have the information that I shared with JB. Those are the decisions. It's that granular. I'm like, okay. We got 5¢ off this gas station. Is the best offer right now. Yeah. We got 15¢ off that one, and I've

checked the price of this one. And so here and, like, it's collaborative. She knows the gas prices like I know the weather. Y'all. The amount of apps I have on my fucking phone to save 3¢ off a gallon of fucking gas is just it should be embarrassing. But, you know, so there are times I'm involved in decision making at that small of a level. And there are times that it feels very important to me to be a part of that. And there are times I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

And so here's here's where the growth and maturity and we've done this for a minute come in. I said, I cannot and do not expect you to know in any given moment where my head is at. That's not fair to you because it's not. It's not. Because on a on a day where I'm feeling kind of vulnerable and I'm feeling, like, worn down and I'm, you know, I'm overwhelmed, I might want more of the decisions made for me, the

the easy stuff. Right? But also, I might my anxiety desperately has me try to seek control. And my fear of being misunderstood makes me over communicate. I don't know if y'all have noticed in the past ten years. And so that's that that's a combination that does not look like submission from the outside, or from the inside sometimes. So then the next conversation was, okay. Well, what does that look like? And again, I still have not not asked this man to commit to, are you gonna tell me what to

do? Are you gonna let me shut my brain off? Can I like, that he's gotta think about that? And that for me is the uneven point. Like, I have thoughts. I've been thinking for weeks. I was like, I could use this and I could use that. And I've been watching our life and I could pull, examples. If you remember that time, that would have been great. You remember this? That would have been great. And poor Jamie is like, I've just been over here trying to fucking survive the summer.

I need time to think about it. So I was sharing a lot. Yeah. And thankfully, he did not have to use his communication safe word. If you are new here or if you do not remember, when I start over communicating, whether it's too much information or it's just gone on too long because I keep repeating myself or it's whatever, we we have a safe word for it. And JB says the word and I know he's done. And I don't I don't worry about that.

When I'm talking about something very important to me or very difficult, I do have that thought of, oh, have I gone too far? The communication safe word was not used. So No. I was giving him plenty to think about. And I knew this prior, but I when we started having the conversation, my brain immediately went, you are not gonna get answers today. Because I he's not where I'm at.

Mhmm. That uneven thing. Right? I'm at this point, he's a few steps behind, and he might wanna shift the path a little bit once he, you know, has time to think. But we did talk about some ways to navigate how to tell where Kayla's head is at. One of those is a literal check-in. I was like, I said, I don't wanna tell you what to do do because you're the dumb here, and I'm trying to get away from telling anybody what to do. Like, I was like, but you can literally just

ask. Is this a moment that I can just make this decision or do you, you know, do you wanna be a part of this? And I was like, if you do that, I'll let you know real quick how I feel about it. Because I'll know in the moment. I'll I'll know if I'm overwhelmed by the idea of making a decision. That's the moment I don't wanna make a

decision. Or if I have very strong thoughts because for whatever reason, I have thought about the, the order in which we should do the errands this Saturday for the most greatest efficiency, and to use least amount of gas. And can we get a little treat to eat? And will I get my diet? And I've already mapped it out in my head. So ask me me because I have thoughts. Right? Do I understand how insane that might sound to some of you and how familiar it

might sound to others? Yes. But then and this is the thing we've been working through that has nothing to do with power exchange or everything to do with communication. If, as I suspect I am Mhmm. I am neurodivergent, likely ADHD, ADHD, and autistic. Very likely, but I don't know for sure. I have I have I've known how I communicate, but I've learned some things about it,

and I'm getting very clear. And something about sort of accepting that that is probably who I am, the like, it's just some of those traits that I've had a very, like, firm lock on for forty plus years, they're just blossoming out. Oh, poor JB. I don't think he knows what to do with it sometimes. But it does mean I understand myself a little bit better than

I once did. And once you spend literal weeks just in your head, just just swimming in there with thoughts and not actually speaking them, sometimes you formulate them to where you can speak them. And I said I was like, look. Because one of JB's annoyances, but, not an annoyance like, god, I fucking hate that, but more like, oh, there she goes again, is that I will sometimes ask a lot of questions and or many times over something simple, like a conversation about ground beef and noodles.

Have you thought about this? But don't forget about this. But you need to think about this. But and he look. I've been reading people from the fucking, cradle. I know when somebody is annoyed with me. Okay? And I had to explain to him in that moment since we're talking about you can't know if I want you to lead or if I don't want you or if I wanna be part of this more

without the check-in. It's like, but here's the thing I need you to understand because it has been a point of contention for us a lot over When I ask a lot of questions or when I think of a lot of details, that is my anxiety. That is me wanting to make sure that you have all of the information you need or could ever conceive of even if you don't need it to make a a decision. And part of that does come from the several years where make a wrong step and your bank account is, like, not at zero, but

it's, like, negative something. Right? Like, every decision for a long time felt very fraught. Like, if you make the wrong choice, you have fucked things up. And I didn't need those few years to to think like this, but it just heightened it. It just turned it up to 11. And so then we sat and we had a conversation about how, yes, my communication styles are a little different than they once did were. And also, this is what this means. Like, I can't stop you from having that momentary annoyance

because I get it. It's annoying, but there's it's not because I'm oblivious. Like, I'm hyperaware to the extent that I'm hyperaware of how you're reacting, and I'm hyperaware of all the things that I can conceive of, which isn't everything. It's just what I can conceive of. That's a lot of pressure because I know that I don't know things, and then I worry that the thing I don't know is the thing we need to know to make the best, most efficient possible decision about fucking

something like ground beef and noodles. Like, we are not I think we've we've scarred some folks from putting beef and ground beef and noodles on their grocery store. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. It's fraud. It's I don't know what it'll do to the state of your relationship. Now the thing I wanna ask you Okay.

Because we didn't really talk about it. You did the thing I love about you, which is when I know that you truly are considering what I'm saying and or you're understanding it a new a new light. You get this look on your face and you go, And that's what you do. And your head bobs and go, And I'm like, he got it. That was a light bulb moment. Yeah. Fucking love that shit. When we were talking about checking in and when we were talking about, hey, please understand

my communication. I'll work on it on my end to be less of this, but also this is what this means. What are you thinking? What's going through your mind? Where are you at with all that? What have you gone through for us to get to this point? Oh, the journey. Oh, where how did I get all well, I know. Yeah. It's it's been a it it's been a bit of a tough walk for me with that. I know. As the one who watches you get really annoyed, I know. I know.

You know, I don't know. It's again, it's one of those things, you know, I know that about you. Mhmm. And, you know, kinda like with with the meat, I think things were just I was such on a straw that broke the camel's back moment. Mhmm. Okay. And, you know, at the same time, I I realize because of who you are and what you do, and it's important to take care of you. I mean, yes. Yeah. But I can't I can't, air quote this, allow you to take care of me to your detriment.

Can I do it in the other direction? Of course, I can. That's what I do. That's who I am. It's what I live for. But I like, there's a and that's another thing I've been contending with of Mhmm. What I deserve. Right? Now you you know that I'm really bad at taking care of myself. I mean, I look. Nobody, air quote, needs a dom or sub. Like, it's a thing you want and you hopefully, maybe you need the person you love, but, like, right right. We're we're no. I need somebody.

Well, yeah. Absolutely. Because care of me. Because you do. Because You won't do it. No. You won't. You you are the type of person. You will do everything in your power for for the youngest, for the oldest. You will bend over backwards for everybody except yourself. Mhmm. I really need therapy because there's more it's not just being a mom. It's not just being submissive. There's some deep seated shit there. Yeah. And and, you know, yeah. I I see where I could have jumped in more.

I mean, you can always see that in retrospect. So, you know, that that's a lot of what I've been been noodling on in all this. Mhmm. I mean, I look forward to when the noodles are cooked and you're ready to serve, and tell me what you're noodling. Did I did I do that that, weird analogy justice? Okay. Good. And I I I think, you know, probably by this weekend, we'll we can have, some more of a talk and Yeah. K. Yeah. It's it's funny. When I think about that side of myself as a submissive.

There is something I really need a therapist, y'all. Look, for anybody who's like, stop talking about it. Go get a fucking therapist. Well, when I can afford the fucking co pay or to to pay the ones who don't take insurance, I will. Okay? Mhmm. There's nothing like thinking, am I losing my fucking mind? Did I forget how to function as a human that might make you go, I could really use a therapist. And if I could have one, I would. But shit. I did that to myself. I just

derailed the train. The track went that way, and I came back this way. I know. Oh, I'm back. There is a part of me, probably a a not small part of me, that and I think this is my baby girl side. The it's not just the being taken care of, and that is very subjective. Like, I mean, different things to different people, and it'll mean different things to me at different times and different points. But there's something about the feeling special. Right? The feeling seen.

The because this is very much from early, early days. The, and I don't mean this in a monogamous way. I mean this in a the chemistry is, like, explosive. We only have eyes for me, only have eyes for each other. We're the center of each other's in those moments. Sphere. Yeah. Right? And, you know, reality being what it is, that's not how you don't get to live your life that way long term. You know, there's jobs, there's children, there's

pets. There like, there's stuff that means you have to, like, look outward and, like, go be a responsible fucking adult more often than not. And a little bit of what you know, the thing when I think, okay, what am I missing? It's not just turning my brain off. It's not just being a silly goofy baby girl. It you know, it's not just that feeling of being taken care of. It is Mhmm. Feeling special in some way. And you have always had this ability, and I I

don't think it's, like, a purposeful thing. I think it's just who you are and how you interact with people you care about and just, you know, how you interact with me specifically. You have this ability to to make me feel like I'm the only person in the room, and I am all you can think about. Now I'm a a grown ass adult lady. I know that's not necessarily true. I know what it is to be able to focus your attention in the moment and still have several tabs open at the back of

your brain. I know that but it's a feeling. It's a vibe more than me being worried that literally the only thing on your mind is me because that just sounds creepy. I'm not I'm not sure. I'm not sure how I feel about that. But yeah. So, like, there's all these I think part of it is I'm seeking feelings. I'm seeking moments, And I don't I don't I won't know until we're kind of trying it out again how how often I need that, want that, how

often you wanna do that. You know, what will be enough to make me to to refill the well, so to speak? Mhmm. Is it just a little bit? Maybe. I mean, maybe. I you know, sitting here talking about it. So the the concept of masking is a very big thing when we're talking about neurodivergency. And to a certain extent, I think this probably is a part of that. But people can mask for reasons that are not about being neurodivergent.

Sometimes you have to present a a form of yourself to the world for safety, for this, for that, for whatever. And I think, And I think part of what I've I've personally done over the past several years when everything went wonky is the mask I have worn is I will stay calm and I've got this together because JB needs that. Because if I'm falling apart, well, we're fucked. Right? Because not because you can't do anything. You are

more than capable. But I was watching you almost come so close to crumbling under the weight of it because sadly, we were experiencing that a thing that I had lived all of my childhood in and the entirety of my twenties in that kind of survival mode. Mhmm. And you had had very little to no experience with it. And I know. It, you know, it fucked with your sense of self on top of everything else. Right? True. And so I sort of just put on the I've got this

kind of face and the persona. And to and part of it made me feel good. It was control. I was taking care of you. I was being of service to you. I was, you know, trying to do what I could so you could navigate this whole thing in a way where you were gonna be stressed no matter what, but you didn't have to take on extra burdens. And I don't think I know how I think I'm just now getting the part where I'm ready to take that mask off. I'm ready to be

softer. I'm ready to be it feels weird to say more vulnerable because we're pretty fucking vulnerable with one another in private and clearly in public. But there is a vulnerability in being taken care of. There is a vulnerability in Yeah. Allowing somebody to make some decisions for you, even if they're small decisions. Right? And I have always felt a huge vulnerability in my baby girl side because I'm not immune or unaware of how without the perception of that from the outside.

Right? I also know that my children, one of whom is technically an adult, still a baby adult, but whatever, have never seen a side of me like that. And so it feels very strange that even in, non kinky, non, like, adult way that they could come across seeing me in that mode, just that relaxed and that, you know, watching my Disney movies and, you know, whatever whatever. Because we would keep a lot of that, behind closed doors where they couldn't see it.

But some things, you're just doing shit. And I'm feeling like a baby girl. That's a vulnerability that I don't think I don't think my children have ever seen me that soft. I'm not I'm not sure they wouldn't know what to do with it. Who are you? And to be aware of all that, to understand that Mhmm. There's an entire part of your life that's never seen you like that. I mean, the last time my own family saw me like that, I was a literal child. Right? It's not quite the same.

And we I didn't feel like I had the luxury of that. I didn't feel like you had the luxury of that softness. And now it's like I wanna crack open the shield, take the mask off, and just like and I don't even quite know how to do it anymore. And I have this part of me that's like, I just I just want JB to do it, and I'll just follow. And yet, because of, you know, blah blah blah, the past, I keep saying it, I am terrified of asking for too much

from you. The thing the thing that I think about in all this, you know, when when we began this journey Mhmm. You know, kind of embraced the the whole daddy baby girl thing in a sense by accident. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. It kind of grew, what was the word, organically. Mhmm. Mhmm. And and now looking at trying to get back back at it, like, you know, how is this gonna be? Is it gonna, you know, is it gonna be even mean? Yeah. Is it gonna be as easy as

it was last time? Is it gonna be you know, what Right. What does it look like? Yeah. Mhmm. Yep. Mhmm. Yep. Mhmm. Yep. Yeah. I mean, I've I've noticed over the past few years things that I gravitated towards in the early days of our relationship, in the early days of, like, figuring out what submission meant to me and all that. Like, I love the good stuffed animal. Oh my god. Give me a good teddy bear. Give me a good if they were cute, if they were sparkly, if God help you if

they were soft. Oh my god. And I am on the shelf there. I I know. I have them I have them here in my office around you know? Because I was like, I don't want them in the bedroom. They'll just gather dust, and then that's the thing. I gotta move around. But I don't when I and I'm like, did I outgrow this, or am I just so disconnected from that part of myself? When I see stuffed animals, I see stuffies, I see

squishmallows. Like, squishmallows should be up my fucking alley, and I'm just I'm ambivalent. Now I don't think I'm fully ambivalent because I am desperate for the youngest who does love a good squishmallow. Let's let's be real. I like I'm I'm checking them because their birthday's coming up and I'm like, you love these two. You literally are using them as pillows. They're in your bed every night. Would

you like some more? Because in my head, I'm like, please give me a fucking excuse to buy these things. And that's kind of where I've Okay. Gotten on on that side of myself. The things that I did grab when you ask you, you'll we're gonna do an episode next week about our experience with the obedience app. But spoiler, one of my I could turn my points in for a prize kind of thing on the obedience app is like to watch a Disney movie or an animated movie or whatever whatever.

And more recently, like, within the past six months, six to nine months, you've been asking more often, would you do you wanna watch a a Disney movie? Do you wanna watch this? And we even that was something we even talked about in in great depth, couple weeks back. You know, about go watching a lot of these older Mhmm. Going back to a lot of these older shows, a lot of, you know, movies and stuff that, you know, kind of fall into all that.

And yet, in the moment when it's time to think about it, I'm a I come across as apathetic. I know that. I'm like, whatever. It's fine. Whatever. But there's a part of me in my head that's like, is this okay? Is this the right decision? Will I still enjoy this? Like, I have these and that's another thing. We have been talking about some of these things. And then because I'm recognizing that in a moment like this, the thing I'm like, I want that. When I get to the moment of having it, I'm like,

whatever. And that's that's new for me to be like, whatever. And I can't help but wonder if it's I've just has it been so long that I've gone back to I've almost regressed in my acceptance of my own submission because, accepting that I was a service sub, fucking easy. Accepting I was a masochist, fucking easy. Accepting I was a baby girl, that took a hot minute. And I accept it now. I do accept it. I mean, I use

the label. I I want to have those feelings, but I don't know if it's that the things that you the actual activities that used to, like, let me have that moment just are no longer right. Or if there's something mental, emotional, some you know, a vulner a a lack of willingness to be vulnerable. I don't know that makes me hesitate because I fuck I still to this day like, if you told me that we could go watch some Tangled, I fucking love that movie. I love that

movie. I love that movie so much and I don't know why. Like, the idea of it, super excited. The opportunity to do it, I don't know. Is it the this is a I think this is a little bit of the conditioning from the past several years. Is the air quote the right choice? 99% of the time, there's no fucking right or wrong choice. There is just a choice and then you, like, go with it and, like, deal with it. But I'm been very stuck in the air quote right choice.

And and I think there's a little bit of there's a part of me that kind of wishes you would just take that choice away and just decide. Because I think if I first of all, if I really didn't want to, I'm not shy. I'm not afraid of speaking up. If I feel if if I had the moment and it still felt wrong, I would say that I'd be like, there's something about this that feels wrong. So maybe I've outgrown this. Maybe there are other things I need to seek out. Right?

But I know this will sound off topic, but I think this is my baby girl side. There are things that I am drawn to, like, in social media, like, styles that people wear and and colors that people wear and and clothing and the way you know? And I'll be drawn to it and think that is so cool. That is so I you know? And what I'll say is I wish I could do that. And part of that's a financial thing. Like, it costs money to not have gray and white hair that you don't wanna have.

And being plus size, it is not easy to find the cute clothes. Certainly not at a thrift store. Certainly not when you live, where a lot of the the, like, elderly live and they don't dress that way necessarily. So, like, I recognize that part of it, I could go thrifting. Part of it's a limitation that's just a financial limitation. But then there's a part of me that is drawn to it, but then immediately my

brain goes, that's not for me. Now I don't know what for me is because I'm I'm not happy, like, with my current style, with my current look, with like, I'm not. But when I start gravitating towards something that I'm like, oh, I kinda like that. My brain immediately goes, yeah. That's not for me. And I can't I'm wondering there is a connection here. I swear to God. First of all, I think if I was more in tune with my baby girl self, I

would dress differently. I think I would I would I'm of an age and I'm not having to be around, around like elementary school moms anymore. I'm of an age where there's a part of me that really does not care except that part of me also. There's a part of me that hates to be perceived and goddamn it, when you wear something that is not the air quote mom uniform, you get fucking perceived.

But I you know, is that that's not for me feeling the same thing that's stopping me from what I classified for myself years ago as my baby girl stuff. Does that make sense? Yeah. Mhmm. Yep. Yep. Yep. So Yep. But yeah. I get it because even when we got when we got married, you know, you were very much in your, Oh my god. I love looking at those pictures. We were grinning. Those are such big ass fucking smiles. That was such a good day. But I mean, the the dress you wore and everything,

that was all your Oh, god. I still your your baby girl. Never wear. That thing would barely fit on my left tit now. But I that is one thing I that I don't wanna get rid of. It's not gonna be an heirloom. It was I think it was an Amazon dress. I fucking love that thing. I fucking love that thing. But yeah. Yeah. I have my hair curled, and then I was reminded that my hair only holds a curl for about three point two seconds.

Yeah. I have my makeup done, and then I was reminded that, oh god, the moment you get hot, it melts off my face. I got that kind of skin. Didn't fucking care. Didn't fucking care. I was wearing my checks, my purple checks, and my purple dress, and I had a silver gray crinoline thing underneath. And I was feeling myself. You were. You were. Oh my god. You were. Oh my god. You were. So So Yeah. Yeah. So that's kinda like Yeah. What as you could tell, there's not

solutions. There's not a, here's what we're doing, and this is it's just a It's a process. It's a process, and it's let me go back to the title. It's uneven. I'm at a space that JB is not quite at yet. Mhmm. Part of that is I think I shared new information today. Like, some of that was stream of consciousness. I had not said all of that before. So the more I share, the more JB has to think about. And then when he's thought, he will share with me, and then I will think, and

we'll go from there. But it's it is uneven. I'm at a point where I'm articulating clearly. Mhmm. This is what I miss, and this is what I think I want, and this is what I'm afraid of wanting, and that, you know, all of that. And he's not there yet. And then nonlinear, if you had said six months ago that that this was gonna be a point where you were gonna be like, y'all and I this is not exaggeration. It was laying in bed crying.

Not like racked with sobs but, like, just feeling very vulnerable, worried, finally saying the thing. I didn't email it. I just used my words. That's that's uncomfortable. And and it's, you know, and then, like, Debbie said, it's a process. We don't I don't have any answers, but this is I cannot believe that this is somehow unique to us. This is relationships one zero one and just add some power exchange

on top. And the power exchange, I think, can both help and complicate help because if you're both confident in your in each other and you have the communication skills, you can just say the fucking thing. Mhmm. But complicated because this isn't about negotiating who's gonna wash dishes. This is about negotiating. Hey. To my Dom, could you, like, take on this extra responsibility and like, you know, just decide things for me and be my brain everyone. That's a big fucking responsibility.

Right? Or to a sub, hey, can you be like your most fucking vulnerable for me? Out of nowhere with very little warning, it might just happen because I'm gonna want you to turn your brain off or I'm gonna Alakazam. Right. Like, those that that can make it so much better when it works, when it's with the right person, when you are kind of in the at the same point to some extent. But it's a complication. That's an added layer of trying to navigate,

you know, relationships like this. Mhmm. So I could keep talking, but I don't think I have anything new to say. Is there anything that you're thinking about that you No. No. No. On your mind? Mm-mm. Any hints you wanna drop so that all of them will probably get it before I do? Because sometimes I am fucking clueless. No. You need to goddamn it. So so no decisions. I mean, I know it'll you won't just spring anything on me. There'll be a conversation.

Unless it's something we've already talked about. Okay. This will come up next week because if I don't fucking say it, then I'll be mad. But I'm a say it now. Our using trying out the obedience app, it was one of those things we had talked about it weeks and weeks before and then never followed up. And then JB went, yeah. We'll do this. And he just set it up, and I got a link texted to me. And I was like, I'm so glad we had this conversation already. We did have the conversation. We talked

about doing it several times, actually. Oh, it's never been Not just one. We'd and we yeah. That's a great idea. We should do it. Yeah. It's a great idea. And I was like, fuck it. I'm gonna do it. And I fucking and and I was I was amused by it because typically we talk about a thing and then five minutes later we do it. And I did have that, like, content creator moment of, well, I'm glad our communication skills are good because I would not advise anybody else to do that.

But then I was like and then then then the submissive part of me went, oh, he just fucking decided and he just did it. And, a little sexy. But we will talk more about that next week. So Yeah. Yeah. I guess I guess that's plenty. Okay. We could do a bonus section. Okay. Mhmm. So, are we good? I don't fucking know. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week.

Toddy. Yes, baby. Can we talk to the crickets about anything other than my deepest, darkest thoughts and vulnerabilities and all my concerns and crying into my pillow? Anything anything other than that. Can we talk to anything else? Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Can I tell you that I don't think there's any level of, drugs that will keep Ella from being spicy at the vet? Yeah. No. No. I I you know, when you I saw the text. I did take Ella back to the vet today.

And all I thought was, you know, yeah. You know, I've I've been I I remember as young, you know, I've been stoned. I've been hot drunk. And there's that one thing, man, that just snap you right out of it. And I've and that, you know And Ellis is being at the fucking vet. Yeah. So couple weeks ago, and we I'm sure we talked about it the last episode prior to this because we had the week off. Took her to the vet, needed to do blood work, and checking her out for, like, the pee

thing, whatever. And they could not get the blood. It would have stressed her out. They're like, okay. Come back. Well, we tried to come back in a week. Couldn't do that because that was the day the kid was moving. So we rescheduled it, took her today. And they had called and said, okay. Look. Give her the sedative give her the gabapentin at night, and then give her another dose at the right time in the morning. And I and I had thought it was strange when they told us to only give it

to her in the morning previously. Yeah. But it was a different, type. Different doctrine and different type of Right. So it was like, okay. Maybe this is stronger. Maybe there's more. I don't fucking know. So we do, and she is high as a goddamn kite. This morning, she's like she can't walk straight. She's like, listing to the side. Pick her up, and she's just, like, almost boneless. She's just so relaxed. I get her into the carrier. No problem.

Get her into the car. No problem. And that was how it was different from last time. Because last time, the moment she was in the car, she started meowing and I had to keep my, fingers kinda, like, in the open part so she could rub up against it and know she wasn't alone. Nope. Quiet. We get to the vet. The moment we walk through the door, she starts meowing, and she has, I love her so much, a slightly grating meow. Like, the first couple times you're like,

okay. There's Ella. And by the fifth, you're like, oh my god. I need you shut up. So I'm doing the it's okay. It's okay. Boom. They're all checking. Did you give her the gab? I gave her the gab. I promise she's stone. Last night and this morning. Right. Now last time at the vet, when we were in the exam room and I took her out of the carrier, she let me cuddle her and she just leaned into me and she was like, I don't like all this but you're here. It's fine.

This time, clearly she was like, bitch, I don't fucking trust you. You brought me the fuck back. I am holding her. She is no longer acting high. She is trying to climb over my shoulder. She's trying to get back in the fucking carrier. She don't wanna run away. She wants to not be right here. Mhmm. And I'm like, you are more active than you were last time. Right. I'm like, okay. This is gonna be fun. They did manage to do all the blood draws they needed to do.

I think it's because there wasn't a lot of poking and prodding. They went from, let me just do our basic stuff we have to do, get her back there. I'm sitting there. I'm reading my book, and I just hear, and I'm like, whoosh. Shit. Okay. You should sit the fan. Okay. Okay. But yeah. So she has not talked to me for the rest of the fucking day. I have not seen Ella no damn more. Normally, she is underfoot. Normally, she's like, hey. Well Don't forget I

exist. You might forget to feed me even though you've never done that in five fucking years. I hadn't seen much of Onyx today either. I think Onyx was like, I saw what happened to her. I ain't I know. Make myself scarce. I know. And see, the day we go, okay, we you know, thankfully Onyx, knock on wood, has been healthy. She's eating fine. She's doing so, like, yeah. She still needs her wellness checks. And cats don't typically get those as often as they should, and sometimes things get missed.

But, you know, she she can go a little bit longer if she needs to. Because when we do her, they'll have to do twilight sedation. They will have to knock her the fuck out, and we get one chance to get her in the carrier. Mhmm. And if we don't get it right and grab her and get her in, we will not see her for eight to twelve hours. Yep. She will go into deep hiding. Mhmm. So yeah. I'm like, Ella is the easy one, but

Ella will eat your face. Like, she just The the the funniest thing I thought about all that when you got her in the carrier and, you know, went took her to the front door and, you know, Lola was very concerned about what was happening. To follow me out the front door while I was taking Ella to the car. I was like and I texted JB. I'm like, Lola seems very worried. Mhmm. I was like, go check on your girl. But Yep. Yeah. So that was our adventure today.

Yeah. The oldest is home. Mhmm. He's had he's he took two classes, some general ed classes that he need he'll need for graduation, which he's just going to be a junior this coming fall. But, like, he's trying to get all that general ed stuff out of the way. And so even though he lives here, he takes our one car back and forth to and from the campus. And a half one way. No. No? Hour? Yeah. It's like an hour. Depending on the type of day, depending on

traffic. Traffic. Yeah. And every time he leaves, you know when he started driving when he was in high school, I every time he left, he'd go, I love you. Be safe. Right? So now I I'm back into doing that and he rolls with it. But now I've added drive like you have to pay for the ticket because you do. And he goes, okay. Knock on wood. He's got the rest of this week and then next week, and then the because it's a summer session, they're it's really short. Mhmm. And so he'll be home

for about a week with no classes. So Yeah. I'm sure he'll go places and wanna use the car, but we will have more access to the car again. And next, next week, there's a day where we need the car, and I I did not want to and was just not going to reschedule and and upend our, like, our routine for some appointments. And I said, your mommy will be driving you to school next Monday. I was like, and your mommy will be picking you up.

I was like, actually, what I'm gonna try and do is bat my eyelashes and convince mister John to go with me to pick you up so I don't have to drive in rush hour traffic in a college town. That's when the kid went, I think I'll try and get a ride home. And then there is a part of me that's like, you could have been trying to get rides home. He couldn't get a ride there though. So, I mean, I get it. So yeah. But it has been it's been strange having

him home, but it's been nice. Yeah. But I think all of us, including him, this is not me dogging on him, all of us are very used to him having his own space, and I think he is the most ready to be back in his own space. Yeah. And I will miss him. I always miss him. Like, our whole routine of life is completely different. Right now. Mhmm. Mhmm. But Mhmm. Yeah. No. It I and, you know, I understand that because once once you have that taste of having your own place and,

you know, it's it's it's tough. And he really hates not having control of the thermostat. I mean, look, I also hate not having control of the thermostat. But as the one who pays the bills, I understand. Right. Yep. Yep. I just there will come a day I'm gonna want it on the record that I survived perimenopause in a not cold house. Okay? Just Hey. The last four days, the AC has been struggling to keep up. I know. I know. Oh, man. But but, you know, Julie or had asked early on, you know, about

doing stuff to help distress. And and I have been doing some stuff, you know. Together, we do, we we have gotten, doing thrifting. Mhmm. You like to go to the antique stores? Me. Between thrifting and, you know, going to some of the antique stores. We're even considering making a day trip because the Internet influenced us to, an antique store in Jacksonville and a bakery in Jacksonville. Mhmm. Not anytime soon, but And there's, there's supposed to be a big place antique place up in, Micanopy.

Yeah. That would make sense with Mecanope. Mhmm. So Yeah. I I go for the vibes. That's all I really go for. So, you know, we yeah. We've been, you know, we we do that. And, you know, I've I've been playing Terraria. Yes. A lot of Terraria. Yeah. I've Every time JB mentions that he's played Terraria or he was playing Terraria, the youngest goes, oh, like, it's so exciting to hear. A child does not play Terraria anymore, but they they like hearing about it, I guess.

You know, I've been doing that. And, right now, it's too stinking hot to to ride the K and M or go, you know. No. Nobody's nobody's doing that shit. So, you know, that that's gonna be once the weather breaks kinda thing. Yeah. Yeah. I I know we're not anywhere near the weather shift, the temperature shift. We still have to get through August, which oh, August in Florida is fucking misery. But, yeah, I'm I'm looking forward to I'm looking forward to you getting back on the

Can Am. I'm looking forward to another shot of trying to be on the Can Am and not crying and screaming. I'm looking forward to, not the only reason I'm sweating is a hot flash, not because I live in Florida. So yeah. It's, Yeah. And and mister Spock, you know, said about watch out around Micanopy. That that's why we take the back roads. Yeah. That's why we take the back roads. Yeah. My, this been ages, but every time I we'd I think about how I will, to the extent that I can, only take a back

road, especially if I'm driving. I'm not getting on the interstate. Not I 75 here in fucking Florida. Kiss my ass with that. Not driving anyway. I think about the time I was trying to explain to my aunt that, yeah, it'll take us, like, twenty minutes longer to get somewhere, but we're we're taking the back road. And my mom is who I kinda got it from, but she got over a lot of her driving anxiety when she had to travel for work because she learned Mhmm. There were certain times she did

not have a choice. She had to be there at a certain point, quickest way, get on jump on this highway, jump on but she learned the back ways through Louisiana, Mississippi, and I think part of, like, South Alabama. And, so I got that from her. Like, you can go anywhere if you're willing to get there, you know, or go a little slower to avoid the insanity. And we were trying to explain it to my aunt one day, and there are a lot of things you could look at me like I'm crazy for.

Like, you look, I'm into BDSM. I understand if a vanilla person looks at me like I have grown up, you know, some extra heads. Okay? But she looked at me like I like, she did not know what planet I was from when I was like, oh, yeah. To get to Gainesville, we take 441. Mhmm. It used to be a big highway. It used to be the way people got to Gainesville. Now we got the interstate. Yeah. So we take 449 because ain't no fucking body on it. You know?

And it was it's so funny. Every time I think even the term back road, the her face pops into my brain of looking at me like, who are you? What? Like, oh. And I always wanna go, your sister's the one that raised me, so blame her. Yeah. And, you know, I I I look as we make the drive because I I actually enjoy that drive especially Oh, yeah. You know, around 04:41.

But, I'm seeing more and more, you know, this this is played where there's there's farms out there, there's, you know, houses with actual land out there. Still dirt, lime lime lime rock roads even. But, you know, a lot of open land and and stuff, but there are now more and more for sale signs Mhmm. Popping up on a lot of that land. So Yeah.

The probably the only comforting thing is when we're taking 441 from where we live in the Gainesville, to I'll I'm sure you kinda see it from the interstate too, but you're driving in the middle through Paynes Prairie Yeah. Which is a wetland and, like, a state park and, like and then there's other, parks that University of Florida, like, has

for research purposes or whatever. And so there's this not as big as anyone would like swath of land that will, hopefully, knock on wood, never get fucking touched. But, yeah, I can already see where some new bits of development have the opportunity to creep because there's a lot of big parcels of land for sale. I told JB, the other day because we got things up in the air for our life, like, in a couple year within the next couple years, will we be moving out of state? We don't know.

Will will interest rates ever change, and will we one day downsize? We don't know. Yeah. I told JB, I was like, you know what? Here's what I wanna fucking do. And this and this is strange coming from me because I had very strong opinions otherwise. I was like, the day we move, whether it's

out of state or we just whatever. I was like, I just wanna buy, sell this house, buy some quarter to one acre plot of land, buy a fucking mobile home, slap it in the middle, and say the to hell with everybody else's, put me in the middle of fucking nowhere with my own little plot of land. I was like, I'm I'm just and I used to be very anti I don't wanna live in a mobile home because I grew up in one and it was a tin fucking can and I didn't like it. But these days, I'm like, I

just don't fucking care anymore. Just give me one that's only supposed to last, like, twenty years when I'm, like, 50. It'll be fine. You know, you know, I, come find out there are some towns in Italy that are giving you incentive to come there and live because they they wanna. They need people. They need people, you know. And you just have to commit to living there. Mhmm. And you know, I I can get You can get Italian citizenship. Yeah. In a heart in a

heartbeat I could, you know. Or even German. Mhmm. So, you know. I don't know. I'm just I think I'm at that point in my life. I was like, I just I just wanna go be not in the woods. I I didn't live that life. There's, but just somewhere and just have my own peace and and maybe a road that runs past me, and that's, like, that's it. That's fucking it. But Oh. Yeah. Alright. I think that's enough. Yeah. Yep.

Y'all know me. I can keep going, but I I stopped having anything of substance to say a while back. So I guess There you go. We will finish up for the stream and recording, and we will talk to y'all next week. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.