You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode 423. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the nicer to your dog sometimes than you are to me, but it's just part of your charm. John Brownstone. I'm just saying Lola gets more good girls than I do. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Not bitter or anything. No. Not at all. No. Not at all. Not at all. In a way, that that is related to this week's topic though. For once, we're not completely,
you know, out left field. Because this week, for our last episode of the year, before we take our 2 week break, we're gonna look back at the state of our power exchange, in all parts of our lives and blah dee, blah dee, blah, in 2024 because why the hell not? I don't think we've ever done that before. If we have, I've already forgotten it. The mind used to be like a steel trap. Now it's like a sieve. It's great. Now it's like a steel colander. It is. It is.
Yeah. Yeah. That's yes. That is That sums it up. Right? A sad fact. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on fat life at loving BDSM PC
on Technically threads and Instagram. At that handle, I will forever fucking hate. That is loving d s and the number one. So at loving d s one. Yes. That name sucks. No. I can't change it to have the one I want. That's the problem. That's why I'm bitter. We're on Blue Sky, loving BDSM there, dot blahdyblah, or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in
the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon. Not just our newest peeps, but those who have been with us for 2024 and beyond, but 2024. Anytime in 2024, you have helped make our 2024 a little bit better and brighter. We are grateful for every fucking one of you. We are. We are. If you would like to join our kinky community and get our undying gratitude, you can do that. You get extra content. You get access to a Discord server. Just,
yeah. There's more I normally say and I've I've lost the plot already. But you can join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes. Okay. So before we hold on. I've got a fidget. Before we get into the episode, a couple of announcements. Okay. We're about to take a 2 week break from content. So this episode is the last episode of 2024.
For podcast listeners, that means the Friday before Christmas, and then it'll be all quiet from us, the week of Christmas, the week of New Year's. The last newsletter will go out. That's not true. The last newsletter will go out on Friday, but you might get an email before we come back because the second announcement is even though we're going on break for 2 weeks, we won't be back until I think it's January 8 is when our next livestream would be.
But don't trust me because I'm shit with calendars. You'll probably get an email if you're on our email list prior to that, because our Patreon membership drive for 2025 is starting January 1st. And the details will be, like we'll do a little commercial kind of situation for that, and then talk about it in the first episode when we get back after our break. So you might hear from us. Just know it's been scheduled. I'm I'm getting all this done before Christmas, like, done.
So, yeah, we're going on a break. It's gonna be quiet. If you're, a part of our Patreon membership and you access our Discord server, which is the only way you can get to our Discord server through our Patreon membership, we'll be around there because we usually are. But, yeah, nothing nothing else for a couple weeks. And then, yeah, we'll we'll dive right back in. It'll be a Patreon membership drive, and y'all be so tired of hearing from me
about fucking Patreon. By the time it's over, you know, you might just join to shut me up. And, hey, I I fuck with that. Okay? I'm good with that. If that's I can be bribed is what I'm saying. Anyway, all that to say, those are the announcements. It's all it takes to bribe her. It really is. I almost sent you a reel today from somebody who has a diet Coke Christmas tree.
But I don't I don't think I have any credibility to request something like that when I don't actually decorate our actual Christmas tree. So You did a good job of fluffing it. I'm wondering if either the tree is is or my fluffing skills are shit. Because when you catch the tree at just the right slash wrong light, it it looks a little it looks a little peeking. Looks a little puny. Okay. It's got some bald spots. Nice. I guess I don't, look at it that intently.
No. I, but I do. Because it was my responsibility to make it look like a tree. And I'm incapable of seeing anything other than the imperfections of a thing I've ever done ever in my life. I am not a good a good fluffer when it comes to fake trees. And you don't have to be. You I mean, it would it would look like, you know, the tree from Charlie Brown's Christmas. Think you could do worse than I've done because I do it with, like, one eye open and anxiety
riding my ass like a bitch. So I just I feel like you'd be fine. But you wrestle the damn thing, You put it up. I did. You take it down. So I can fluff. I can fluff. This has nothing to do with this week's topic. We I did. I we I don't think we've ever done this before or if we have, have, we haven't done it in, like, a formal way. Maybe we have. It's been almost 10 years, y'all. I can't remember what I ate last week. Don't ask me what episode we did a few years ago.
But I did think we could kinda we won't do it by dates or months or just sort of the course of the year. How how how things have been with the power exchange. The good, the bad, the and for anybody who is like, oh, okay. This is this maybe maybe we can do this. I highly recommend this because when I've been thinking about this for the past several days since we knew we were gonna do this topic, I was like, oh, yeah. Here are some good things, and here are some
things we can improve. And, you know, it's kinda like the state of your relationship sort of thing, and I highly recommend it. If you're single and it's there's no relationship, the state of your kink life. Like, what did you explore? What did you get rid of?
Who did you get rid of? Right? Like, you know, I think it can be helpful to think back on those things to some extent so that maybe you have something to work on for the coming year or something to look forward to or some things you thought you would do that you didn't get a chance to or some things you thought you'd love and you realized you hey. Like, there's all it's all kinds of stuff. So for us, it's our power exchange relationship through the year. I can't do it by time frame because
we all know I no. Don't No. Don't know my days of the week, let alone remember what happened in January, but thought we could do it by topic, like part of our life. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And and I just wanna say real quick, Rawa, I I was wondering if anybody was gonna pick up on that when I'm about the fluffing. Rara said I'm multitasking while listening and heard JB say fluffing, and my mind
went in a totally different direction. And now I feel very innocent because You don't know what a fluffer is? If I if I do, I don't realize it in this moment that I do. Okay. Porn movies. Okay. Nope. Definitely don't. Go ahead. Okay. You know, it's important for the stars to be Yes. I've did not So they so they have fluffers To keep them you know, on the cast to keep them, you know Pumped up Yeah. As it were. Okay. Mhmm. I did not know that was the term.
Okay. There we go. We've all learned something new today. Even if you already knew what a fluffer was, you got to learn that Kayla had no fucking clue. It is that innocent. Okay. So let's start with, like, the big one, the actual power exchange, the decider, daddy dom decider, service emissive who does what she's told to do, that part of the power exchange. Yeah. From your perspective, how's that been in 2025? Oh, this freaking Peter Keen, man. Peter Keen.
Nope. That's not helpful. That's not what makes an episode for anybody. I struggled in some parts of that this year. Okay. This year seemed to be a culmination of a lot of different things all coming in on each other. Mhmm. Mhmm. And, in in all honesty, the way things have gone, the last few years, I had been doubting my decision making ability. I mean, same. I mean, I I don't make final decisions around here, but Yeah. I
was doubting my own ability. I mean, you you you call me the decider, but, you know, earlier on this year, I had a big struggle with that. Yeah. Because we were because when you make a decision, you do not make that decision in a vacuum. There's 99% of the time, there's a lot of back and forth. There's a lot of me saying I have an idea or here's my view or whatever whatever. And what has happened a lot over the past few years, not just this year, is that you'll be like, I don't even quite know
what the right answer is. Baby girl, what do you think? And I I would go, oh, here's how I answer is. Baby girl, what do you think? And I I would go, oh, here's how I see it. Here's what I think is possible. Here's what's this. Here's what's that. And I would not call me a very good adviser this year because you took a lot of my suggestions really over the past couple years, and not a one of them fucking pandemic.
I mean, I was like, he should not ask me what I think at all, because what the fuck do I know anymore? Yeah. Yeah. I would say it was a, it's some of the things that have gone on have been a a major knock to our confidence. Like, can we be trusted to make adult decisions? Yeah. So that that that was a a big, big struggle, for me. Mhmm. I'm not gonna say it's totally gone, but it's not as as prevalent as it was earlier this year. Here's what I'll say. A couple of decisions that you and I
wrestled with, like, over the summer Mhmm. We're like, we don't know. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it right? Is it wrong? Yeah. It we were realistic enough to go, it will not go as well as we want it to. It would be exact like, we've become a lot more realistic lately. Pragmatic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And yet we have made a couple of decisions that are sort of turning the tide. You know?
And they're not I think the the the thing that I think we both struggled with this based on the conversations we were having over the summer, especially, was we stopped trusting ourselves because we would have these ideas of things that on paper sounded like, absolutely. This this should work, whatever whatever the thing is we're trying to do, And they
did not work. Now, you know, sometimes it was because we had an overly simplistic view, and sometimes it was just the natural course of events where, no battle plans survives, you know Yeah. Anything. So I, yeah, I can see where that would knock your confidence. I was terrified to tell you what I thought about anything because you do rely on my opinions I do. In a way that I mean, it's how I can let you have control because, yeah, at least I know I'm listened to. But I was like, don't listen
to me. What the fuck do I know? Clearly. Clearly, I'm a dumbass. Right? So, you know, yeah, with with with that, you know, it it was hard to move forward and do anything with our power exchange per se for me. You know, we we relied on our tried and true. Oh, yeah. You know, the the the the stuff that we have set in place that that is routine for for our our DS, you know, that was not Sure. It's on autopilot. There's very little that Yeah. You know, we have to
do for it Yeah. Other than execute it. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know, that's that's kinda where where that was at for me. I this year and probably for the past couple of years, but trying trying to stick with 2024. This year was a year where I think probably for the first time in our relationship, it might happened a little bit at the end of 2023, but definitely happened this year, earlier this year, is where I had to say very firmly,
I to myself, but also to you. Because it is very easy when you you know, we've talked about being a default parent and certainly a service per oriented person, whatever. It is very easy for the for you to be relied upon more than you can handle, and I, being a people pleaser and having control issues, is like, no. No. No. I said I would do it. I would do it. I've you know, there's a way in my mind. Something needs to work.
Well and I think this year was probably one of the first years where I finally went, I I I can't do all of this on my own. Mhmm. And, you know, the nice thing is it was never a confrontation with you. It was more of a and I don't say this as a criticism. I think it's a natural thing that happens when one person takes care of a lot of things. It is very easy for the person who's not handling that to go, oh,
I don't have to think about it. And I think I finally just went, I can't carry all of this. I need you to carry some of this. And, you know, the reason we work is she went, well, of course, I kinda wish you would have said something like 6 months previously. Because by the time I got to the point where I could say, I can't do all of this on my own, I was at a breaking point. You were
you were teetering on the edge. Right. Because it was, you know, last year, it started, and this year, earlier in the year, it was all sort of converged where there was the business stuff that was stressful, the money stuff that was stressful, home stuff that was stressful, and then parenting stuff that was stressful. Yes. Yep. And Yep. Be me being me, I'm like, oh, well, I didn't I I knew that you were going through it. I knew that you were struggling in your
own way. I also knew that you were on the edge of burnout, and so I was like, I'll just take on as much as I can. Yeah. You're that goddess, Right. That and, you know, it's funny because the thing I in my ideal world where, you know, nothing from the outside world actually affects our lives, and everything goes according to plan, and my optimism never fails me. You know, that in that scenario, you tell me to do a thing and I do a thing. You give me a responsibility and I take it, and I handle
it all with grace. But we live in the real world. And, actually, I was becoming a twitchy, you know, angry, overstimulated fucking mess. And by the time I said something, it was at that point where I was practically frothing at the mouth and screaming slash curled in a fetal position rocking back and forth. Right? Like, I I almost waited too long. Yeah.
Thankfully, you are who you are. So it was more of a there was a I think my read on you was that there was a sense of relief that I finally fucking said something mixed with I don't know if it was you have to tell me. I don't know if it was surprise or if it was a, oh, oops my bad of, oh, you're actually not handling all of these things as well as you pretend you are. And and it it it was kind of on the the surprise end because I had pulled so far in, I wasn't seen. No. Yeah. And I think
I Which is very unusual for me. And I think I was aware. Mhmm. Because I cannot we've talked to this for years. I know when we're disconnected. Yeah. I was so in my own head though that I thinking about our disconnect was just one more thing on my list, and it was like it would have been a breaking point, I think. So I think we both pulled inwards just in
different ways. I became, like, obsessed with all the things that needed to be done, and how was I gonna make it happen, and how was I gonna make your life a little bit easier, and how is I gonna prevent you from going through burnout? Because if you go through burnout, we're both fucked. And, you know, I wasn't doing a good job of going, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. This is a partnership, and you can't do it all. And
you gotta say something. But then by the time I said something, very few fucks are given. And yet, I also had that immediate and I wish I didn't and I, you know, need therapy, I'm sure, to deal with it. That immediate guilt of I'm I'm putting stuff on you. Mostly I'm just handing it over. I'm just sharing it. Like, please carry this with me. Yeah. But I have it. I get it in my head that if I say I'm gonna do it and I say I'm gonna take the responsibility, then I need to take the responsibility.
It it it's funny because you would think, after all these years, you know we do well when we share things. So much better. So much fucking better. And and yet here we are, all of these years later, though we we gotta break that cycle. How do we break that cycle? Shit. I knew. Yeah. Yeah. I know. So, yeah, nothing new happened with our power exchange at all. It's and this has been true for a few years.
Yeah. We've been on autopilot, but I am grateful for the fucking autopilot because the one thing I very rarely feel is not very submissive. Mhmm. And I think I have the luxury of consistently feeling my submissive headspace because I do stuff that is directly tied to our negotiation for our power exchange, and I do stuff daily. Right? Like, I on certain levels, I can't recommend that enough to others.
Find a routine that you get into even if it's a couple of small things that you can do daily or near daily, you know, as a submissive because as long as you remember how you got there, why you're doing it, and it's still fulfilling in some way, you know, you always have that
touchstone to your own submission. But for for dominance, I would imagine that's harder because you absolutely had time past couple years, but certainly this year earlier, especially, where you didn't have it in you to decide or to tell or to control, or to make, you know, any of that. No. And and and then things here were so so chaotic with the homeschooling. So glad we figured that out. Right? You know, getting to the end of the school year
Which was a struggle. It was And we were a month and a half late on that. Yeah. You know, kind of dragging across the finish line there to, get out of 8th grade. But we did it. Yeah. It it's not really was a team effort. Yeah. We did that, not him. We did that. Yeah. But, you know, that was that was a a thing. There's parenting is the one thing that does not touch our power exchange. Mhmm. And it was one of the biggest stressors for starting in 2023, but most of it was happening in 2024 because
the youngest, health was a factor. Right. You know, his education was a factor. I was doing things as a parent that I had joked for literal years I would never do. Mhmm. The universe it's like holding my beer. And it was and I struggle with change, and, you know, I I know I'm not alone in this, certainly, as a parent of you don't ever know if you're doing the right thing. So I was walking around every single day going, have I fucked up my own kids' education and future?
Do do I even know what I'm doing? The answer is I don't have a fucking clue, but, you know, there was there was a lot of stress to carry, and I wasn't good at handing it over to you. Mhmm. Mostly because I'm happy to hand over a stressor that you're willing to take on. If I can wrap my mind around what I think both the problem and the solution might be, I just can't get us there. Don't have it in me. Need some help. But I was so lost and in the woods on that, you know, that I didn't
even know how to ask for help. Mhmm. And I think to a certain extent, my my perception was is, 1, I think you were intimidated by the education part, and 2, because this is just the nature of how it has been with me and the youngest his whole life, as his and he his words, as his safe person, I imagine from the outside of that, it's very hard to find a way to step into, like It is. It is. And and I think for me, it was just a a combination of everything. Okay?
You know, between his schooling, between his his physical health, between his mental health, all those things that were going on. Mhmm. And and it was just such a consuming Mhmm. Thing for for us. At the same time, you have to have a business so you can pay your mortgage. Right. At the same time, we were dealing with the culmination of some financial stuff that had been going on for years, and it just came to a head in 2024. At the same time, at the same time,
at the same time. And I knew I should've should've gotten here before this, but I knew it was time to share the fucking load when I started getting resentful, when I started having, like, the martyr complex. Because on paper, I was doing, like, the the scales of, you know, the balance of the load sharing was so out of fucking whack. We were literally having conversations of,
I this is me. I want you to go have fun with your kink friends, but you are literally going to a thing every weekend, and I have not left the house in 2 months, like, for anything other than doctor's appointments and grocery store. Right? Like, it was the the it was so out of balance that I was just angry on top of stress, on top of, on top of And and see, that was my way of trying to escape from everything. And I was letting you for a long time. I was just letting you. I was like,
I'll handle it. I'll handle it. And is it my people pleasing self? Is it my love for you? Is it being submissive? Is it do you all of the above? Where I want to give you that. I want you to have your escape. I want you to go have your fun. I know I'm not going to do the social stuff with you and I don't wanna hold you back. Right? So I'm like, go, do, because if you can be a little bit happier, then our life will be a little bit easier, except then I tried to bury myself a
bit. Yeah. And and, you know, I'm I'm not gonna lie. Usually, usually I'm pretty good about picking up on your cues. Oh, yeah. Usually. Alright. Usually. And this past time, I completely No. You had turned so far inward into your own head that you really and I think that that might have been my turning point because I could sense it. There were times I had so much going on. I don't have time and I hate to say this. This set feels awful. I didn't have time for you. Right?
Too much else going on. Yeah. But by the time I was able to kind of I never I didn't get to step back and look at stuff till we got to, like, August, September y'all. So 1st 6, 7 months of the year, it was just sort of a survival mode that was getting increasingly harder to bear week after week, month after month. Mhmm. And it was never that I finally had this moment of clarity. It was when I was so fucking resentful. That is, you know Mhmm. That is my clue
that we're not just disconnected. We are completely off kilter. Yeah. Because we Yeah. Actively try to have a relationship where there's no room for resentment to get
built up. Because you're communicating enough, because you're sharing the load, because we're talking things out, but, you know, all and I recall multiple I recall multiple conversations sitting on our back patio where I'm just leaning forward, elbows on my knees, hate feeling like an awful human being because I was telling you I didn't think you were doing enough. I I felt guilty. People pleaser? Submissive. I don't know. Yeah. Pardon me. And and yet you were within every right to call
me out on that. I know. But I don't like it. I know. You are my daddy who, you know, in my mind wears a superhero cape and can do no wrong. It's not all the kind of thought. Okay. Not on not in there. Not infallible. I know. I hate it though. I don't I don't What's from it? I don't wanna be the one to point it out. Somebody's gotta do it. I know. Can you just, like, do it for yourself next time?
We have we are still not doing anything new or concrete with our power exchange beyond the the things we've been doing for a little years. I after our conversations in the summer and you sort of started going, oh, okay. I'm I'm I'm I'm aware, and I'm I'm paying attention again. Mhmm. We had a little bit of time where you were for a little bit of time, you were back in that dom headspace. Mhmm. You would
tell me to do more things. You'd give me a couple within reason, and and you would always preface it with what have you got going on. But you'd give me more tasks, and we we had a little bit more of that. And then this has nothing to do with our stress levels. It's just the nature the fact of life of the how we are and what's going on. The closer we got to the end of the year, the more it was like, everybody just put your head down and work because this is the time of year when that's
all we do. Yeah. And so past couple of months, you know, we had sort of a peak in, like, in July, August, and then it sort of calmed down again after them. Well, you know, I and I think while it is not, you know, the rip roaring, roller coaster ride that we had in the past, I I think to a certain extent finding the new stride. Mhmm. Alright. You know, before when when the, the youngest was home 247 And he still is. He still is. I
mean, yeah, he still is. But in the in the very beginning of that, it was like, oh my god. We're never gonna get to do anything again. We're never gonna be able to have a minute alone, Miles. And Yes. And I think both of us, but I really think you more than me, because you got so stuck in your head, were mourning a thing we lost without realizing that there's always a way. You just have to get creative or you have to do it a little differently than you did before. And I and I think that was
yeah. I I think it was it was mourning a loss instead of because we weren't ready at that point. No. Nor did we have time or energy to think creatively and go, what can we do instead? Right. Because we there was a a portion of from January 1st, if we're just focusing on 2024, from January 1st till probably about June, July, it was survival mode on on different levels. Maybe not financially, but as parents in our relationship, there are certain we were just we'll just make it
through the fucking day. Just get through the day And hope it sucks a little less than it did yesterday. True. True. True. True. True. True. True. But I I I think now, you know, even though we have been focused on work these last few months, also starting to find a new stride. I think you might be feeling that more than I am right now. The if I'm if I'm feeling stride might not be the word I would use. If I'm feeling anything a little
bit different Mhmm. It's less in the power exchange and more I know for me personally, more in my baby girl self. Mhmm. And that's really only been the past couple weeks. Yeah. You know? I I think that what we if I were to describe anything like a stride, I think it's that our communication has gotten clear again. Yes. We are proactive, both of us, when we can see something on the horizon that's either gonna fuck with 1 of us or it could cause an issue if we
don't talk about it now. Mhmm. Or, you know, it's a worry one of us is carrying and instead of just, like, holding it in and Yeah. You know, we go ahead and talk about it, I think there, we have we've we have the mental energy and space to do it. Yeah. Because the biggest thing going on in our lives from the start of the year has calmed down. The youngest is fucking thriving at this point. It's like a whole different kid. His physical health is is doing very well. His mental health is
better. His mental health is is on a level even teal. In a way we haven't seen in probably a couple years. Right. His education is I get to be a lot more hands off than I'm in, and you are a lot more hands on Yes. Than you've ever been. Correct. And that leaves room to then think of other things, you know. Correct. There's energy and mental space stride in a sense, and and maybe that's not the the right word for it, but, you know, have been finding times when
I can express my sadist. Let the sadist out. Yeah. And, you know, all of it's intermingled. Who we are, it's all bits and pieces and they all kinda go together. But my because I am like this and I tend to compartmentalize stuff. Yeah. Your sadist side, in my mind, is often slightly different, not always, but slightly different than your dom side. Your dom side is the decider. Now does your sadist and dom come together and shake hands and play nicely together and abso fucking lily. Absolutely.
Absolutely. And then it's, you know, I know I know I've got my sadistic dom in that moment. Mhmm. But the part of you that's just, like, the person who makes the decisions, the person who, leads, I tend not to think of your sadistic side in that moment. But if we're talking about your sadistic self, yes. Because which I think we talked about this last week and probably a few weeks before. We have finally figured it fucking out that a certain point of the day, that kid don't hear us. Mm-mm.
Those headphones go on. He's He doesn't know he exists. Talking to his friends, he's gay. Man, we're not, like, shrieking and screaming and, like, you know, acting like crazy people either. So Mm-mm. We understood trying to be a little quieter, but, like, we have a lot more freedom than
we thought we did. Correct. And that is the I get frustrated because hindsight's 2020, but also it's like, man, we lost a lot of fucking time because we were so in our heads about it that we were just convinced we couldn't do things the way we had done them and so we did not think about this The way we could. Right. And but we also didn't have the mental space for that. That's true. We were in survival mode as parents. So We were a hot
mess. We were. So now and that's that's a that's a thing that I have to remember that I would encourage others to try to remember is when you are at the peak of a stressful thing, all of your any extra energy, mental or physical that you have is going to that thing. You are not gonna think creatively about how you're gonna your kink on. You're not gonna think creatively about how you have a power exchange under brand new life circumstances that you could not have conceived of before and have not
adjusted to. Yeah. And we spent, like, okay. It ended up being what? 10 months adjusting, pull the kid out of public school, get keep educating him, deal with his health, realize that things weren't working. I was fighting my my instincts were saying, hey. You gotta do something different. But the part of me that likes to follow rules and do what's air quote right was like, but this is how you know, this has always been done.
And so if I'm going against the grain, I'm surely getting it wrong and convincing you at the time when you were in your fucking head and you were just as unsure about how do we do this. I don't know. Once we got through that and I got proven right, which has been delightful, then the the mental space opens up and you can think about new things. And so, yes, your your sadist has has been out. Is it your sadist that gives me half a fucking butt rub and then goes, okay.
Good night. Time to go to bed. It is a small. What the fuck? What the fuck? I thought it was a tired daddy. Like, I gave her what I could. This is all I had. Little of both. Little of both. No. It's your sadist. No wonder you're like, oh, no. Totally a touch of sadist side. I bet the hell you are. I just want my butt touched tonight. That's all I want. You're way too pleased with yourself. Why does it take me literal months to figure shit out?
That's what that's been an issue our whole fucking relationship. You're over there being a sadistic sadist bastard and I'm like, I guess my daddy just doesn't have time or so. And then one day, like a fucking light bulb, it got brighter in there when it's oh, fuck. So no wonder you're in a stride. I'm over here. Go ahead. Just can somebody please touch my butt? Goddamn. Have you been mind fucking me again?
See, anybody who's, like, gone back in the archive or been with us for a few years can probably think back to times when in the middle of an episode, I'm like, wait. Was that a mind fuck? And he laughs just like that. And I don't wanna be naive. I mean, okay. I really don't. But clearly, when it comes to you, I am. Have you been mind fucking me with butt rubs? Is that is that what has been happening? Have I been edged? Are you edging me with butt rubs?
Well, you know, it's the dumb creed that no. The creed that, you know, you always leave and wanna warn. Dude. Baby girls cannot survive off half a butt rub alone. Okay? You gotta balance it. It's been unbalanced. One half spanking every 10 business days is not enough. Just saying. That leads me into the I think I've been feeling my baby girl's self a lot more. You have. You have. You have. There's been a few times lately now that I'm like, do you really want wine? Yes. Yes. I do. I've got to let
this out somehow, someway. Yeah. You know, that I I have noticed that about myself, over the years, and and this year is just an example of it. Mhmm. When things get stressful and I just sort of lock that side of myself away because there's no time, there's no room, there's no space. I got shit to do. You know? I've got to be a functioning adult to the most of my ability. Yeah. Right? So the baby girl side kinda gets locked away. I don't get playful. I stay very serious, very resting bitch face.
The first way it starts coming out when I'm I feel like it's safe, air quote, that, whatever that fucking means at any given time, is whining. It's complaining. It's allowing myself to fucking complain. But to do it in a way that can still be semi playful, that can still be and you know, is that that leads to a question that I don't have any answers to nor do I even think I care to try to deconstruct of.
Is my baby girl side, the whining side especially, is it a less aggressive, maybe even a passive aggressive way of letting my negative feelings out? Because in our dynamic, at least, me being whiny is more acceptable and will not lead to a fight or a disagreement or an argument, unlike if I come to you and go, let me tell you, this is some fucking bullshit she said respectively, respectfully and submissively.
Yeah. You know? And I don't think it's a passive I don't I I would I would take back the passive aggressive part. I think it is the part of me that feels safe to complain Mhmm. Is when I I get whiny about it. Because here's what I've noticed, you will, not always, because we're not always in sync. Mhmm. But typically, you will respond like a daddy, sadistic daddy, bratty daddy. I don't know which one I'm getting on a given date. But if I let loose in that way,
you'll give me a teasing daddy response. Mhmm. And then within not that long of a time frame, never more than a week, probably not even a a full day, you're either seeing the problem and taking action and taking care of it, or we're having the conversation about what do you need? What's going on? Whatever whatever. Yes. I should use my big girl voice and just say I'm unhappy right now. But it's sometimes it's it just feels freaking good. I I don't like this. It's clear what I mean.
It I'm I am clearly communicating. Hard not to get that hard not to get that meaning. Exactly. Yeah. Once I have the time and the space and the energy and the safety and the whatever whatever whatever to let myself whine, then I can go the other way. Yeah. And it's the past few months, it's my baby girl side has come out more than even I think I have realized because at night, when we're trying to go to bed and I get my zoomies.
Yeah. Oh, god. Yeah. I don't even think I could describe to you what is happening in that bed. None of it's sexual. It is all ridiculously silly. Last night, we were both laughing so hard we were crying. Oh, god. I and and if I tried to explain it, how you would think I needed to be committed somewhere. It would not make any sense. So I'm not even gonna try. Just know it gets goofy. Mhmm. It gets goofy because you know what? And I was I've been thinking about this.
That time of night Mhmm. When we're both in a head space where if I get silly, you you feed off that energy. Because some nights, no no no no no. No. No. No. No. No. He's not feeding off the energy. He's not feeding off anything. No. No. No. No. No. No. And I get the I get the message really fucking quick. Just let let's go to sleep. But the nights you feed off the energy, where was I going with that fucking hell? I hate it when I do that. I had a whole thought and then my own Uh-uh.
Brain sidetracked me. It might be gone forever. It might be gone forever. But, no, we're we're playful in that moment. Yeah. And we are it's because that's where I was. It's because it's the end of the day and, yes, the stressors are all still there Mhmm. But it's this time where nobody is asking for anything. Right. There there's no to do list. There's no responsibilities. We're just laying in the fucking bed. Phone's not ringing. Nobody's knocking at the door. Nobody's yeah. Right.
And in that quiet time, some days not all, we can both kind of just relax and just be together. And when we are, I think at our most relaxed, our least stressed out, we are very silly human beings. Excuse me. This baby got a bubble. I do. We are very when in those moments, we are very silly human beings. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. And, you know, I I'm maybe that's kind of what's gotten me personally through the past several months because we haven't had, you know, we haven't done deepened our power exchange at all, and we haven't played a lot. And, you know, I have not really felt my baby girl self. It's been a while. It's been a while. But in those moments, I don't usually classify
it as that. But if I'm when I think back on the behavior and the way my voice sounds and the way we respond to one another, I'm like, no. That's that's classic. That's classic daddy and baby girl. But I I I get why too. Everything else has to, like, fall away Yeah. In order to have that moment. Reach that space. Yeah. Mhmm. Yep. Mhmm. Yep. Yep. If you are in a power exchange where you get to go to bed with your your other, at any I highly recommend being silly as
fuck. Right? Where you sleep? If one of you get zoomies and it's not harmful to the other, I would just take few times we have laughed so hard. We've cried. Yeah. We've just cried. Yep. That feels really good. Last night felt really It did. Good. It did. I was laughing so hard, it hurt. Yes. Yes. And in the middle of it, I'm like, when was the last time it was like this? Mhmm. It's been more frequent over the
past few weeks. But prior to, like, this sort of maybe 6 to 8 week time frame, I think it had been a few months Yeah. Easily. You know, since it had been that way. Or it had just been really, really infrequent. What else would you say about the state of our power exchange over the past year? It's been a bumpy ride. I mean, the whole damn time has been hella. Yeah.
It has. You know, I don't I'm I'm done trying to predict what the fuck's gonna happen next because I don't have a fucking clue life has taught me that in the past few years. But the thing that I outside of our our power exchange and just the life in general and the relationship with which in which we live and try to live our dynamic.
The thing I noticed this year is there were there were absolutely times outside of parenting, outside of all that, where we were on edge and we were very freaked out and we were like, oh, shit. What do we do? And a lot of it was the culmination of all the crazy shit that happened for 2 or 3 years. Mhmm. And there were absolutely times earlier this year I was like, fucking are we gonna make it? Like and not relationship wise, but, like, business, house, lifestyle. Like, are we can do we even
know what the fuck we're doing? None of us know what the fuck we're doing. Let's just all admit that. We're all making it up as we go along. But by the towards the end of the summer and into where we're at now Mhmm. I feel like we've had very good luck of not getting it wrong. And we made some decisions that have actually are help are actively helping us. Yeah. We had all that crazy, mostly financial shit, but personal and mental health shit for 2 to 3 years.
It culminated right at the end of last year, early this year in very stressful ways. Really? Make you wonder, why does anybody have to be an adult? This sucks. Yeah. And, you know, I think we we did and we will probably forever battle that self doubt because we had so many ideas of what was gonna fix our life, and none of them fucking worked. None of it did a thing. No. Sometimes made it worse. Yep. Fuck times. Mhmm. But we hit a point where we were, you know, we got it right somehow. Pure
fucking luck. Mhmm. And now I feel like something else will happen. That's just life. Like, something will come out of nowhere, and I don't know what the fuck will happen, and we'll just survive it as best we can. But I do feel like we're in a better place financially and, you know, in our life, but also with, you know, as individuals, maybe mental health wise and certainly together in our relationship, I feel like we're in one of the best places we've been for
a while. It absolutely. I I agree with that wholeheartedly. You know, there there have been some things this coming into this fall that, kind of look like it's gonna be a wrap up of some things that have been hanging Yes. For a while. And then we can fix some things that have been hanging over us for a while. And, you know, because of what the last 2 years have taught me, I am happy to see things moving in that direction. But I am going to be a little bit cynical. Mhmm.
I think we need to be. Until the the the i's are dotted and the t's are crossed. Well, and I think we're gonna stay cynical for after that. Even when that culminates. No. We're not talking about it. Sure. We know we're teases. It's fine. Because we had we made so many decisions based on unfounded optimism Yeah. That I think we've become cynical just in general. I don't think we believe anything until we see it, which is not Yeah. The worst thing. But as an eternal optimist,
I struggle. I wanna believe in shit before it happens. Yeah. But I think it's made us more cautious too. Yeah. And and, you know, I I, I'm gonna say it. I I really think, you know, now I I I know life has been consumed by work lately, but, you know, some of this stuff quieting down has given me some time to think Mhmm. And and retrospect on some of it.
And and I realize now, you know, while I say I I there was a a while there I was doubting my decisions, I also realized now, after after looking back on some of it, there was no good decision to be made on some of this. Yes. There was there's only terrible decisions and you just had to go, can I live with the outcome of this one? Right. And and that and that's kind of, you know, and it it didn't matter how much we had talked about and what we did. You know, the the outcome was
Right. Not optimal in any way. I know. And I I think that I think that was a knock to our confidence to realize that though. You know? Because I'm an internal optimist and you're a I'm a fixer too, but you're a fixer and in charge, which you are through the consent of the governed. But, you know, if when your confidence gets rocked like that, it's, you know, for me, it's hard to be an to be optimistic. Not always a bad thing. Sometimes I need
to be a little less optimistic. Let's I need to be realistic. But, you know, if you can't fix it, that kills your confidence. Yeah. If you make decisions and they don't pan out in the best possible scenario that everybody hoped for, which they were never going to looking back on them, that kills your confidence. Like, how how could you make decisions when all you had were bad choices? Right. Like, a choice had to be made. Yeah. There were no good ones.
It was, what will maybe fuck us up the least? Least. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. And you know what? You know what? Came down to. Yeah. Some of those choices that you really wrestled with that I was like, I support you. This is what we're gonna do. I'm here. I think this is right, but whatever you wanna do. Man, sometimes it's kinda nice to be able to go, you know, you're the designer. I always give my opinion and I always go, I will back you.
You know? Yeah. I I'm with you. But you had so much of that, you know, that of of course you didn't trust your own decision making. Yeah. And I think it's not easy to see in the moment when all you have are bad choices. Because Yeah. Especially if you have an optimistic bone in your body, you're probably going, but wait, there if I just keep thinking on it a little bit harder, the perfect wonderful solution that makes everything, kittens and rainbows, will happen.
Like, just do that one. It it doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. It doesn't. Ain't gonna happen. You can wait till the cows come home. But those least bad options, as painful as some of them are Yeah. Because it really knocked your sense of self worth in who you are as an adult. Because you had a story in your head of I've never been in this situation. I've never had to do this. Yeah. You know, as an adult, I've always found us blah blah blah blah. And I'm over here
going, no. No. No. I've lived this life. Let me tell you, you will survive it. You will survive it. Oh, boy. You know, I I think part of what might be helping us feel better is we made the least shitty decision we could. And it's it had to be really tough to start it, and now it's turning to bear fruit. Yes. Yeah. Yep. You know, and and that's that's, yeah, what a year. Mhmm. I feel like this year was a year of finding I don't wanna say balance, but finding the least stressful of
chaos. Like, the chaos calmed down enough because we got used to it Mhmm. And found our way through. I'd love to say 2025 will be the year we thrive because everybody's fucking saying that because thriving 5. We're like I I am reluctant to be that, you know, optimistic about it. But I do think that we are finally barring any weird shit that could happen that we don't control. I think we're on a better path than we have been on.
We are in a better space mentally at this time this year than we were a full year ago. Yeah. Like, that was we were we were wrecked. We didn't know what the fuck we were doing and what was happening and how we're gonna and I don't feel like that's where we're at. Yeah. Which means if if we can be fortunate enough that this, pattern can continue Mhmm. It means 2025 might be a year we can actually go, hey, can we give 5 minutes to focus on ourselves Right. And our dynamic and our kink?
And and, you know, that that's something I I was I've been thinking because, you know, with all this, you know, we've we've been able to to do a little bit more than we thought we have been able to do. Mhmm. And and my hope is that that can continue and grow. Mhmm. I I think that part of the lesson we learned as people, not kink otherwise, just as people living a a life, is that the least perfect solution
is often a great one. And I say that and I not financially, not life decisions, kink decisions. You have you know, you've resisted the fact that we don't necessarily get to be alone in our house for fuckery. Right? You've resisted the fact that you can't go you can't really go hard on me because I'm kind of, but, like, we can't get as ruckus as we once did. And yet, there are we are still having moments where it's like, oh, this feels good.
Within the past few months, maybe it was late summer, you yanked me into the into the workshop in the backyard out of nowhere. I didn't know it was coming and wailed on me for, like, I think it was 5, 10 minutes. I I walked back into the office in the days. I remember that. I I texted you. I said, hey, I need your help in the shop. Yep. And, you know, I think we are not the only ones. This happens to people in
general. It's easy to get caught up on the perfect option, the thing you really want it to be. The the full on scene, the the freedom to go to the dungeon and, you know, be out at all hours or not come home or whatever, but, like, whatever whatever we might envision of this is how we want it to be. It's very easy to then think anything less than that is so imperfect as to not be worth it. And I even knowing this rationally in this moment, I I personally have always struggled with this.
But the past few years, not just this year, has really sort of shown and and, you know, borne out in reality that even those 10, 15, if you're lucky to have it, 20 minutes of imperfect connection that still feels good, is still within your limits, is still what you would like, just not the ideal version. Mhmm. Sometimes it's all you fucking got to get you through to the next time. You can take those 5 or 10 or 15 whatever minutes. Yeah. And it and it is sometimes sweeter and and I when I
say sweeter, I don't mean kind. I mean, like, it it feels good in a way that the, you know, oh, we're going to the, let's say, the dungeon for, like, you know, the 3rd weekend in a row, and this is what we do
now. Like, there's there's a difference in the way that hard one time and moment together that is imperfect and not the way it used to be and not, you know, how we would prefer it to be, but it works and it feels good and it's a moment of connection versus the way you've been doing it that's, you know, the quote right way or the perfect way that you get to take for granted because it's just what you do now. Right? Mhmm. And I would like to get back to the this is what we do and
it's part of a routine. Sure. Sure. Sure. But I am currently very well aware of how good it feels when we grab those moments Yeah. Imperfect as they are. Yep. Yep. Yep. I agree. Mhmm. I agree. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, yeah, that's the state of our power exchange. Yeah. It's a hot ass mess, but we're doing the best we can. Right. And quite frankly, I think I think that's all anybody can ask. That's all yeah. I mean, yeah. It's true. That's that's all you
can do. You can do the best best that you can do under the circumstances you have. You know? Yeah. Make the best of bad situations. Make the best of good situations. Mhmm. Personal experience, I'll tell you, don't, take the good for granted because Mhmm. It can get you yanked in a heartbeat by some random shit you didn't see coming. Like a rug being pulled out on Monday.
Right. But, you know, I'm grateful that with all of the from the being hit by a literal fucking car to everything else that, you know, came after. I'm glad that what all those years have allowed us to do is to get closer. Yeah. We're we're not perfect at it, but we are better at communicating. Mhmm. We are better at saying hardship. Like, we had hardship come up before. Oh,
yeah. But mostly, it was stuff that, you know, it impacted 1 but not the other, or it was, like, typical, air quote, that typical stuff, and we just could kinda roll with it, and one of us could lean on the other. The past few years have been shit that's hit us both, sometimes in completely different ways, but it hit us both. And we didn't it wasn't a situation where one could lean on the other. We had to lean on each other, and it took us a hot minute to figure that out.
Yeah. And it took us took me longer than probably it should have to say hard things to JB. You know? Because he is the type that goes into his head and withdraws from everybody when stuff gets hard. I'm the type that's like, I'm gonna look for a $11,000,000 solution. Try them all. If I stay busy, I can't think about the bad. And if I can't think about the bad, then I can't feel the bad, and then it doesn't exist, and I'll just keep working forever.
Neither of ours our options are healthy. Neither of them do well. And we are getting better at finding a third middle option that Yeah. Is a little bit more productive. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I, if any of not what we were talking about, because it's all you a highly unique and individual. Mhmm. But if the idea of thinking about your power changer if you're in a relationship resonates, I highly recommend. Like, what was good? What was bad? What have you learned? What
do you wish you had more of? You know, stuff like that. And if you're single, I think you can do it for where do you want you you I hate to say it so cliche, but I'm sorry. I'm gonna say it anyway. Where do you want your kink journey to take you? Where what did you do this year? What could you have done? What do you wish you had done? What did you try that worked? What did you try that didn't work? And how you know, what did you learn in all of that?
And I think that can be useful, especially for planning what you wanna do in the future. True. Will our first episode of 2025 be about that? Maybe. Mhmm. If I can't think of something better. Yeah. So yeah. I think that's it and we can do a bonus section. So, are we good? It's not for me to say. Keep it kinky y'all. And we'll see you in 2025. Daddy. Yes? Should we talk to the crickets, please? Yes. Did you do that on purpose? No.
That I didn't know. No. There was there was an actual struggle there. Watching the timer on the audio file, he'd write one number, colon, I'd go, then he'd look, and he'd write another singular number. I'd go, and then he'd look. Again. What I typically do now, that you've trained me Yeah. Is I wait until I can see that you have a a number in your head you're writing. This is for editing when, you know, when we're
done with the stream and recording. And you once you start writing the full time of here's where I have to go in and edit, blah blah blah, I know I can ask because you were you've committed to the numbers. But you had not, and I just had to keep waiting. And I know it was maybe 2 seconds of our lives. It felt like 20 years. It felt like you were never gonna be done. Yep. There you go. Same. So, what you got for bonus section? Let's see. It has now been three and a half weeks without my whoobie.
Mhmm. For anybody who is unaware, the whoobie is his old music. And why do we call it whoobie? You would have to go back to an eighties movie with Michael Keaton called mister Mom. And Terry Carr, wasn't Terry Carr? Didn't she pass away recently? I think so. I think so. Well, now I made myself sad. Also, I think I'd like to watch mister Mom again. Except I'll bet money it hasn't aged well. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So but yeah. I I it has been now three and a half weeks. How do you feel? Picked up.
Okay. Is it at all gotten easier? Is it still too soon? It I it's still too soon. There are times there are certain times, when I get terrible urges after eating Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That makes sense. Is is 1. When I get in the car to drive, because I'm, oh, you know, in the car, I mean Mhmm. Mhmm. So it's, it's been tough, but I've been I've been managing. Okay. Okay. Managing. And, Cricket sent me this.
And what is that thing called? It's it's called a Fum, f u m. And for podcast listeners who can't see, how would you describe that? Oh, wow. Yeah. We got the fork. It it's a little it it's a vape that isn't a vape. Yeah. Because, see, it looks like those stick vapes that a lot of people like. But there is no battering. Mhmm. You're not breathing out vapor Not breathing. Or whatever the hell that was? No. It it's a fidget. Fidget thing. That that you can suck on. Yeah.
Sorry. I don't know. And it does have a little cartridge in there and apparent it's it's, flavored. Okay. So it's you're just sucking sucking on, like, flavor and air? Flavor flavored air. Okay. Okay. So you get the feeling of puff puff, but not the actuality. Right. Okay. Yeah. And it's it's, just got it today. It came today, and, I'm kinda liking it. I feel like now that I know what I why I had to stand in the line at the post office for 30 minutes for, I feel like
I might need a prize for them. I'm very I'm very grateful to the cricket who sent it to you. I think it was very kind of them. Yes. I am happy. I was able to finally get to the post office. And according to the little yellow ticket they put in our box, it's been there since 12th. The day I checked the mail was whatever day Monday is of this week, 16th. And the line was to the like, our that post office is, I think, probably one of, if not the biggest one in our
town. It's the downtown post office. So Monday through Friday, it is wild in there. Yeah. And the area where you go in and you're at the counters and you're, like, sending stuff and paying for stuff, whatever, it's a huge area. So when the line gets to the actual door, you go in there, it's a long ass line. And the day I saw the yellow tabby thing, that means go to the counter and pick up your box. I was like, not today, Satan. It is not happening. It was too long, and I had a
kid in the car who's nope. Nope. Nope. And I had to pee. Nope. So then I told myself, Tuesday morning, I'd get up and just, like, be at the post office when they open, knowing it's holiday time, so there's gonna be a line, but it would not be a 3 o'clock in the afternoon line. Good. So I was like, okay. And then Monday night, I was on 3 days of a headache, and I took some took my migraine medicine Monday night to knock it out, which meant Tuesday, there was no getting up early. No. No.
She slept like there, you know No. Like, because my father like, tomorrow never came. So then I do it today. Mhmm. One day closer to Christmas and trying to get stuff to people for Christmas and really Hanukkah because it starts right on Christmas too. But, you know, for the holidays, try to mail stuff out. And so people are more on edge, and they're more frantic of how am I gonna get this to somebody in time. So I walk into the post office at 7:58. The area that's so big where people can
buy postage and send their packages, whatever. Mhmm. The doors to that are still locked, but there's a line that has formed that already had 15 or 18 people in it when I got in. Yeah. 30 minutes later, the nice lady at the counter who was the only person for the first 20, 25 minutes. Bless her. I don't I I'd have just been like, fuck all y'all. I'm going home. Yeah. And it ended up being that. So, you know, not only did I brave the post office a week before Christmas.
You know? Yeah. Surround people. Good girl. Thank you, daddy. Andre asked, was it health reasons that you stopped vaping or just over it? Just over it. Just over it. I had actually, stopped using nicotine. I didn't even notice when that happened. Quite quite a while ago, actually. Yeah. I am such a loving doting baby girl that I did not even notice when he quit nicotine. Well, you know You handled that really well, though. Because I I that was something I specifically planned for.
Gotcha. Okay? And I I got to a certain point because I mix my own vape juice when I and I systematically, over time, decreased. And that actually was not the first time you had quit nicotine before. No. Or you had done it a few years before. Right. Mhmm. Yeah. I think then life got stressful and you went, nope. I need something. I need something to get me through. Caffeine and caffeine. No. No. So,
you know, yeah. I with with the nicotine, yeah, I I it was such a slow, gradual weaning that by the time I got there Yeah. So You know, and I I commend you for all of it. You know, I was never gonna pressure you. Mhmm. You didn't smoke fucking cigarettes, and that was what made me happy. And you'd even stopped smoking regularly, like cigars and cigarillas and something like that. And that made me happy. So your vape thing, you could've done that until,
oh, the video froze. You could've done that forever, and I'd have been like, it's fine. Whatever, you know, whatever works. But, you cutting nicotine out, you handled so well. My only experiences with people in my life quitting nicotine were low key traumatic for both of us because they went through it in their own sort of way. And then, they made it everybody else's problem is what they mostly did. So you, you know, you dealt with it to the best of
your ability. Had you said something in him, if I could have helped you, I would have happily helped you. But you you did not make your discomfort a thing that I had to manage for you. Correct. You know? I part of me kind of wishes you would have, like, said, hey. I'm doing this thing and, you know, maybe you could use a little help, but I I do appreciate that you just were like, I'm I'm a grown ass adult. I'm just gonna take care
of my shit. I I wish I could say I had some some alter altruistic, reasons for not saying anything. Mhmm. I think the the reason I did not say anything Mhmm. Was because I had a fear that I was going to fail. Yep. Yep. I get that. I get that. And then having said it, then it's that bad feeling of, oh, no. Right. Yeah. Yeah. No. I I respect that. So that that that was something there, and I was like, you know, if I I I just need to do this, and then this is not something somebody can help me
with or do for me. I just need to to do it. And yet, we would have the collective we, the royal we, whatever, we would have wanted to help you if we could have. Yeah. So, silence saying that the audio is out of sync with the video because the video froze podcast listeners be grateful. You just listened to the audio. You don't have to worry about this bullshit. And I just wanna say if the last stream few minutes of the last stream of the year is not chaotic,
is it really us? Right. I don't think so. I'm not gonna lie. I love doing live streams because I like the the back and forth and the energy I get from the folks who are who are in live chat. And I also, you know, knowing, like, you know, specifically on live that you know there are people there even if they're lurking. I respect the lurkers. But with the headaches we get from technological stuff and the fact that we you nobody's making money from YouTube on
this channel. No. Part of me is like, just fucking do audio only. I just but and, yes, in the live chat, they're talking about how the audio and the video are perpetually out of sync. We know, but we can't figure out why and how to fix it. It. We don't know where the disconnect is coming from. Say I'm pretty tempted to just go back to audio only. Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, can we go back
to simpler times? Let's go sit in a closet and record on a laptop microphone, or or let's just go back to one microphone, and I'll hog it when I'm the least of us who needs a microphone. So I don't know. I don't know. And now somebody just chimed in. Theirs has matched perfectly. So who, you know, who knows? Who knows? Who knows? It's fine. It's fine. Who knows? Just just for folks on the YouTube side, treat us like a podcast. Put us out in the background. Don't look at us. Mhmm.
So Mhmm. But Yeah. That's mine. And, Lola's doing well. Lola is snoring like she just worked a double. Right? Yeah. She is like Yeah. Wow. Her, her eye is doing okay. In some ways. In some ways. Yeah. I mean, it's not yeah. Mhmm. I'm still putting drops in several times a day and, you know, she's not happy about it. No. No. But, you know, she she grudgingly allows me to do it. Because she loves you. Yeah. She wouldn't let me come near her with little drop of
things in my hand. She was like, fuck you, bitch. So, yeah. She's she's doing doing better. And, hopefully, in the next couple weeks it's a 30 day process because of blood work, but, hopefully, in the next couple weeks, we can get her scheduled for the eye surgery. Right. Yes. So So Anyhoo. Yay. Yep. So I don't know about you. I I am looking forward to to our break Mhmm. Very much so. Hoping this weekend, we might be able to sneak out and do some thrifting.
Yes. For, Thursday of this week, day after recording, we're taking half a day off to finish up some of our Christmas stuff and to run errands, because the closer you get to the actual day of I don't wanna go out if we don't have to. Yeah. I know. But we have to get an apple pie from Sam's Club. Mhmm. That is the mission. And, like, once I've once the Internet told me Google told me you could freeze them, I was like, look. We don't have to go
a day or 2 before Christmas. We can do this earlier when it's chaotic but slightly less chaotic and frantic as it will be in the 24 to 48 hours before Christmas. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. So Yep. Yeah. It's but, yeah, we I've I've been looking forward to tomorrow afternoon though. Supposedly, I'm getting taken on a lunch date. We'll see. Mhmm. And then we have to make a list of all the things we need to go do so we don't forget
them. But The list is getting bigger. And every day, we're like, oh, we should do that too. This morning, I went to her and was like, oh, we need to eat go to either Home Depot or Lowe's. Okay. And once I realized I could no longer keep track of what all we're supposed to do on this Thursday afternoon out, I was like, let's make a list. Because it's not just where do we need to go, it's what do we need to get from those places. The only thing I'm sure of is at
Sam's Club. I wanna get we wanna get an apple pie, and we wanna get their massive ass cinnamon rolls. That's what we wanna do. Mhmm. That's right. I forgot about the cinnamon rolls. Andre, I would normally never go to they also come this close to Christmas. If the oldest had not requested an apple pie JB always wants an apple pie. That is easy.
But the oldest requested it, and we have not loved some of, like, the regular grocery store ones that you get in the freezer section or even in the bakery. So we're like, let's let's go to Sam's Club. Yep. Let's do it. Mhmm. And I I know it's one of those things that as a parent or just as a person who is taking care of other people and providing for other people, they'll never know the sacrifices we made. Well, you know Like going
to Sam's. That's that's kinda like me. You know, for many, many years, I I had a thing. I will not step foot in a Walmart from Thanksgiving week to Christmas and, broke that We're too poor to not to have that role. Yeah. Sometimes you gotta go your ass to Walmart. Yeah. We've we've we've had to do it several times now. We've been strategic about it. We have.
But I am so in my head about a thing I wanna do and and can do, which is nice, in the boys' bathroom that I even said the words while we're out on Thursday. If we need to, I will go to Walmart to get these things for the boys' bathroom. Mhmm. Audrey asked if we're doing gifts to each other. No. We're doing it through our children. Because JB says to me truly, like, I think it was moments after the we're not exchanging gifts, are we? No. However, I need to make sure there's X amount of cash
to do a thing. And I went, well, I'm not a damn fool. I think I know what that means. And so, but then being me, out of sight, out of mind, forgot about till he comes back and goes, hey, you're the one in charge of the account. Is this money there that I need to go do this thing with? And I'm like, yeah. And then I went, wait. You didn't lie to me and say that we weren't exchanging gifts, but you're going to get he goes, no. No. No. No. No. And then he points at the youngest room,
it's from him. And I went, so don't worry. I worked with the boys. JB will be getting something as well from the boys. I thought I was the one who found that loophole. Nope. Oh, thank you, Andre. Thank you, Andre. Super chat. No. We're kind of 1, we're we don't spend any not one half a penny more than we need to. But 2, we're kind of at a point where when we want something, if we want something and we can, we just get it.
So if there's a year we're flush with cash, yeah, we'll spoil one another in a heartbeat, but this year's been mostly just about the boys. Right. Yeah. We, you know, talk yeah. We're just mostly gonna do stuff for the boys this year. And even that we kept kinda low key. Yeah. Typically, we try to buy the kids don't ask so they don't ask for a large quantity of things. They're at that age where they really only want 1 or 2 things, but they are always, like,
expensive fucking things. Mhmm. And last year, we were able to accommodate. Yeah. I still don't know how because this year we're doing better than we were last year. So I don't know what's going on. I think I think this year we're we are more realistic about our We are. We we are. This yeah. We learned some shit in 2024. Yeah. Yeah. We did. Yeah. We had to be humbled. Yep. So they're getting things that they have asked for, but we're not we're not going overboard.
The family, like, the sisters, my my mom and my aunt, we've all already talked. Mhmm. Aunt, uncle, me, and JB, we're like I said, you don't have to buy us anything. They we're all broke. They they know. I'm like, you don't have to get us shit. You focus. If you wanna get get it for the boys. I said, we are giving you something, but we did not spend money on what we're giving you. Just time. Time. You know
Which is valuable. Every everything for both for the for the family is going to be homemade gifts. Yeah. And they're your guinea pigs for products that may come to your Right. Vanilla Etsy shop next year. So that's exciting. So I'm yeah. I've I've put together a couple things. I've I've, made butter boards Mhmm. For everybody, which has actually been quite fun. I've enjoyed making those. Mhmm. And, made Christmas ornaments. Yep.
And they're coming out beautiful, and yet the things you're testing after the fact are even more beautiful. So I'm very excited for next year. Yeah. Yeah. I I in fact, I've I have enjoyed making the the, ornaments so much that I'm I'm making plans to have some for the shop. I know. And and we have no concrete plans at this moment, but we are talking about can we make kinky Christmas ornaments?
And no concrete plans at this moment. We may have a way to make them easier and faster to make so we can actually do it instead of just dreaming about it. It's very exciting. It's very exciting. Mhmm. So, yeah, we're everything is really low key this year. We're actually doing, from, an American white people perspective, a very nontraditional Christmas. Yeah. We did we did turkey and all that stuff for Thanksgiving, and that's fine. Typically, what we then do is ham
for Christmas, but I don't like ham. I like bacon. I like pork chops. Like, I like all the other pork products. I don't like ham. So I was like, I don't want to have to smell ham or watch everybody eat ham while I just eat sides. Can we do something different? And the agreement was, we're gonna I'm gonna make a lasagna,
but the youngest doesn't eat lasagna. So I'm gonna make, spaghetti and meatballs that will probably sort of like when you go to Olive Garden, you're like, here's your main entree of pasta and here's your side dish of pasta. Yeah. And garlic bread. And I might even make a salad because I, I told myself, I got all, like, excited about this plan to meal prep salads. Mhmm. Bought all the things. Even went to the the Goodwill and bought, a a, what the fuck? Salad spinner. Thank you. I
can't think $5. I was very excited. Haven't made a fucking salad yet. So whatever. And Ra Ra says, join my people's Christmas dinner tradition, Chinese food. I sure as shit thought about it. Mhmm. I sure as shit thought about it. Well, you know, doing doing the, excuse me folks. Doing the Italian, you know, the the pasta for for Christmas, then it's like it's gonna for me, it's gonna be like
being at my grandmother's. I know. And I did think that you would not if I did it right, you would not mind so much. Mhmm. And those are also leftovers that everybody will eat. Yeah. The, the poor Thanksgiving leftovers. Man, I was eating mashed potatoes for several days. I I love Thanksgiving leftovers. I make extra of certain things because I want the leftovers. Leftovers. Yeah. But I also hate when it gets to that point where you just have to toss what did not get eaten.
Oh, Ben, that's a good idea. Ben says, I use my salad spinner to wash mushrooms. I'm gonna remember that. I probably won't, but hopefully, it'll come back to me when we pull that mushrooms. Yeah. I've wanted a salad spinner, never fucking used one, but so oh, Lola stopped snoring. Yep. She's on the stove. Move. She looks a little grouchy. Yeah. She does. Lola. Hot man. I? I'm surprised she's not out laying in the stones today. It's perfect day for that for her. Yeah.
So Yeah. That's, that's kinda been us. Yep. That is awesome. By the time we talk to y'all again, the holidays will be passed, New Year's will be passed. So It'll be a new year. It'll be a new fucking year. How does time keep moving like this? Man. I'm not even gonna try to guess what 2025 brings because pretty sure parts of it are gonna be a dumpster fire. A cluster fuck, if you will. Not in my house, but Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In other places. So yeah.
We hope however whatever holidays you celebrate, that they are a good one, that they go the way you would like them to. And you don't have to deal with too many uncomfortable conversations over family meals. There you go. If you celebrate the new year, I stay home in fuzzy socks and on the couch. But if you celebrate, please be safe. Mhmm. Call an Uber, have a designated driver, do something. Do something. Whatever. We would like all of you to be back Right. In 2025 with us. Yep. We
intend to be back. We want you to be back too. Exactly. But thanks for listening, watching, especially to the bitter end. Y'all are y'all are the real ones to be here while we're just rambling. And, yeah, have a good holiday. Yeah. We'll be back in a couple of weeks. Happy holidays, everyone. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.