Kinky Q&A

You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast, episode 409, Kail Awards with the one, the only, the h o t t o g o, hot to go John Brownstone. Oh my god. If you all wanna know what we were singing before we hit record, there it is. I started listening to Chapel Rowan's music and fell in love and thought it was just my own little thing. And then JB comes in one day from work, and he's like, oh, the Spotify AI g j, has been recommending some music me and come to find out, he is now a Chapel

Rohn stand too. So we'll just, like, randomly sing lyrics. So Yep. So I I love that I shocked you so good. So here's a little bit of, like, fortune telling for you, time travel. So in the Monday episode that we recorded before we recorded this, I could not my brain was not wording yet, and I couldn't find anything, like, cute or funny to say. And so I just had to go with something basic. And it was good, but it was still basic. You know, telling your your dom you love them, I don't think is a

bad thing. But it wasn't it wasn't that. So now I'm very proud of myself, but also to be you only have yourself to blame. I know. That's true. Because I'm I'm the one who started it. You did. I did. You did. I did. That's not what we're here for. I mean, I am here for JV singing Chapel Rhone lyrics to me. But, what we're here for this week is to answer, kinky questions that we received over at that fucking handle I fucking hate that I will hate for fucking ever on Instagram. Yeah.

See, you need to, you know, Buddha. Okay? JB has a shirt. Let that shit go. JB's shirt says you need to let that shit go. Supposedly said by Buddha. Frankly, I'm pretty sure the Buddha said something like it, but maybe not maybe not in those terms. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's that's neither here nor there. No? We're gonna move forward. Okay. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. And, yeah, it's like this every week.

If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at loving BDSM.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and threads at that handle that I will forever fucking hate. I get angry every time I have to think of it. It's loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one.

And yes, I hate it. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live share the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. I am going off script for the rest of this intro. Normally, I'm like, join our Patreon. This time, I'll be like, hey. As of, like, right now when this episode comes out through Monday, September second, which is the American US, Labor Day holiday. Thekinkery, thekinkery.com is having a sale. The code is Labor Day 24.

You save 15% off your purchase at thekangry.com. And and because we couldn't stand anymore and we didn't wanna wait anymore, we released our Halloween diabolical sticks. Mhmm. They are so adorable. And they went really fast last year. So if you didn't get your hands on them last year and you heard about them and you're curious, now is the time. Mhmm. Link link is in the show notes. It's the kinkery.com. Labor Day 24. If you follow us on social up for the for the kinkery, we

will be talking about it. I'm just letting you know. Thekinkery.com. Okay. Before we get into the questions Mhmm. I was like, what are words? Y'all, it's it's it's been a long day. It's been a long two and a half weeks. Technically, one big announcement, and we worked really hard to get here, but also a little mini announcement. And podcast listeners who are hearing this on Friday, we already screamed this in your ear a few minutes ago.

YouTube folk, this does not apply until Thursday evening, but the kinkery is about to have a sale. Thekinkery.com. It's linked below. It's a Labor Day sale because the US is gonna celebrate Labor Day. That'll be next Monday. We're doing a little sale. We're bringing back a Halloween item that we did last year, more of them this time. So that's happening. And I'm if you are on our email list for the kinkery, thekinkery.com, you'll get this information if you follow us

on social media at thekinkery. You'll get this information. But I wanted to, like, slip it in here to let folks know what's happening. But the big one, the one where I laid I, me, the supposed submissive, laid down the law with JB. Oh, and said, if we are sponsoring we again this week, you gotta do something. And he did. I did. So the we that is because I

do what I do. Sometimes. The we that is sponsoring us is JB's very vanilla, wood, us is JB's very vanilla woodturning shop on Etsy, where he makes things out of wood that are not kinky. But he let me name it, and it is the wood dom. Link is in the places. But the reason I said if you want us to sponsor us this week and it be vanilla, all these damn cutting boards you have made all this time have to be ready to go and up on the shop. And guess what we did today? We got them on

the shop. Yep. Yep. And so we he now has cutting boards. He also has bowls. You have pins. I am forgetting things even though I am the one who's in charge of your Etsy shop. Bottle bottle toppers. All kinds of stuff. Custom custom order requests if there's something you're looking for. Definitely do custom orders. But, yeah, the cut very excited about the cutters of bookings. Mostly because I'm looking at them over there, and I'm hoping at some point there are

less of them. And they can we can have space in this in this office, in this area. So The Wood Dom on Etsy, free shipping, for US folk for, the cutting boards because they are over that minimum $35. Are we going to ship them to you the cheapest we can? Of course, we are. But you ain't gotta pay for it. Okay. So, yeah, the wood dom. The wood dom. Mhmm. Technically, you can go to the wood dom.com, and it'll take you to the Etsy shop too. Right? Yes. So there you go.

Yeah. We didn't know when JB started his vanilla shop on Etsy, and actually it was a website before. It was an Etsy shop. We've gone back and forth with this for years now. We didn't know he would one day have a kink shop. No. So I wanted he had his reason for wanting for liking the name. I wanted it to be the wood dom because I wanted a nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Yeah. Because who is in charge of the wood? That would be JB, Justin.

Any Anyhoo, there is a there there is a little bit of a story behind the name. I'm not gonna go into it right now. Probably a good thing for a, the Friday night hangout at some point. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe maybe one of these Friday night hangouts, you can do a Vanilla Show and Tell. Yeah. Because we're we have slowly gotten better at the picture taking. But if you go shopping his shop, you will you will be able to tell when we didn't know what we were doing. Yeah.

And we are slowly fixing it. But we use our y'all, we use our iPhones to take pictures of products these days. And I have a very simple editing thing, and that's how to to admit it. The the the poor pictures were on me. Well, and that well, I've had my share of not so great pictures. Etsy now has a tool that will tell you, hey, you could be doing better if and then you click the button and it'll tell you. And I clicked it today, and it was like, you have a few listings with poor photo

image quality. And I was like, I know. I'll get to it. I'll get to it. Anyway I know. Told me that too when I went there. Yeah. Thanks, Etsy. Okay. That was the announcement. Now we're gonna answer questions we received from Instagram. Thank you to everybody who submitted your questions. We got so many. We literally cannot answer them all. So some of the ones that we skip over will either be, like, a q and a episode later, or you might see it in another form elsewhere.

Any legitimate questions, because sometimes there are people who think they are funny, and those are not legitimate questions. But legitimate questions, we will try to answer. Mhmm. So here we go. Alright. What's a good punishment for a brat who doesn't obey? I had to ask it because we got a daddy dom right here. I'm not a brat, but what would you do? What would I do for for a brat that doesn't obey? You know, I think what I would do Mhmm. I would find their favoritest thing. Mhmm. Mhmm. K?

And no. No. You can't have that. Also, sometimes and every brat is different, and part of it is you gotta have a conversation with said brat to figure out how they tick and what they would consider punishment or not. Mhmm. And they also have to try to not be in the brat mindset when they do it. This needs to be the serious negotiation part. But, some brats brat to get the punishment, and JB has done this to me. And I wasn't even look. I wasn't bratting, but I was a

smart ass like a dumbass. I was a dumbass who who smart ass too close to the sun. And so the punishment was I didn't get the thing that I was clearly going for. So I didn't get the spanking. I didn't get the this. I didn't get the that. Now how you figure out in general what are good punishments, it is about knowing the other person and, what will impact them enough to feel like a punishment that they will consent to. Mhmm.

Because you can't just be doing anything willy nilly to somebody, call it a punishment. If if that's a violate that if that would be a violation of their consent, then it's we're we're not on punishment anymore. We're on, like, illegal actions. Let's stop that. And the thing is is, you know, we get questions about punishments, mostly punishments, but some about rewards Mhmm. All the time. By the way, we'll have a little thing coming soon ish in the next few weeks about that. I'm just saying.

But, you know, the thing about punishment is you can't just think up a punishment as the big d type on your own. Never have a conversation with your submissive about it. And just when they do something wrong, just throw it out there. Like, it is part of the negotiation like every other part of your power exchange. So the simple answer is, yeah. What's their favorite thing? They can't do it. What were they trying to accomplish by bratting if were they trying to get their a certain reaction from

you? Were they trying to get a certain physical activity from you? Then they don't get it. That's the punishment is they don't get the thing that the bratting was supposed to accomplish Right. For the brats that that will work on. Mhmm. Which is what makes punishment so complicated. They are so personal. Yeah. I mean, couple times too, I've left out your, favorite paddle sitting on the bed. Yep. And what happened? Nothing. Not a damn thing. Not a damn thing. I know. I looked at it, and

I was like, and I got excited. Right. And I know I knew enough then not to, like, go, oh, I see what you did. But, like, I internally got excited. I'm like, okay. Mhmm. Mhmm. And then we moved around that whole bedroom. Because part of it is the way our dynamic works is I'm not gonna say anything. You put the thing out there. I just wait for it to be used. And I I my personality, I know this will shock you, but my personality as a submissive in the moment, I'm not really saying anything. I'm

just waiting for it to happen. And I don't wanna say anything because I don't wanna know too much. That's part of the lack of control that I like. Yeah. And we went about our whole ass business and it just sat there. And it was And then it got put away. Right. And that was when I went, what the hell? What the hell? Okay. Next question. Okay. Let's see. How should I ask my Dom about seeing

him seriously as a romantic partner? Which makes me think that maybe they're just play partners or it's a platonic thing or it's casual at best. Now they want it to be something more serious and romantic. That's tough. That's tough. Because you cannot make someone feel something for somebody. You know? It's, I guess, in a way, it'd be nice if you could, you know. But I think people would use that power for evil instead of good. Right.

I mean, you know, I I think the best thing you can do is is talk to them. Well, yeah. You have to. You know, you you you have to you have to talk to them and and let them know, you know, that you're you're you are developing feels and you want more. And I think before you talk to them, one, you have to decide what you think you will feel because you won't know what you feel until you're in the moment. But how you think you'll handle

it if they do not reciprocate. Right? Like, are you able to continue as things have been? Are you comfortable with that? Is that what you want? Are you willing to if they reject this idea? And you also have to be prepared that they may reject the idea enough that, you know, maybe they don't want to continue forever. But the the the way things were and keep that going. So it's a tricky one. I, yeah, I'm here for just clear blunt ass communication, but, you know, I I can I think it's

still a delicate situation? I think sometimes we get wrapped up in our own heads about it, and we're we're worried that they're not on the same page as us. And so it's gonna be awkward, and then you have the conversation, and they are on the same page. Mhmm. And sometimes it, you know, it just goes sideways. And before you have that conversation, I think regardless of how you get to that point, you're ready to have that conversation.

I think you have to have a real be really clear to yourself how you will handle and be as prepared as it is possible to be when you are dealing with hypotheticals for, you know, is it so good that the end of this casual thing or this non romantic thing would be very disappointing and you might be heartbroken and this would really suck? Or is it like, I can't I can't even see myself moving forward with this or doing if we can't go to the next step?

Mhmm. And sometimes at the end of it, you might still get your heart broken and heartbreak fucking sucks. But I would rather be done with a person who is not right for me and deal with the pain of the heartbreak and then be free to go find the person who is right for me. So it's it's delicate. It's complicated. It you know? But, yeah, you have to have you just have to have the conversation. Mhmm. I think typical what we would consider typical communication

kind of best practices apply here. So you don't spring it on them when it's in a busy moment. You literally say, hey. There's some things I'd like to talk about. Mhmm. Can we set aside a time? Can we meet? Can we get a coffee? Can we call? Like, however you normally communicate. Right? And and plan the time so that they are they are focused on you and you can have this conversation. You also have to be prepared for them to need time to go away and think

about it. If they're not sure of what they wanna do, you know, you gotta give them that time and and let them come back to you. Right. But but yeah. I mean, sometimes it's just take the leap. Mhmm. If Yeah. If the way things are going, you just it's unsustainable to you because you really wanna go to the next level, then just do it. If you're kind of happy where you're at and it's you're like, no. No. I'm I'm not this this can go longer.

Maybe feel them out. Maybe I like to do the ask hypothetical questions. What if we imagine something you think y'all would do as a romantic couple? Right? Could you imagine if we ever fill in the blank and their response will sometimes be all the information you need about whether to actually tell them outright. Yeah. Okay. How can I find the deepest kinks of my partner? The deepest kinks. You know what? Sit down and do a checklist.

Yeah. We have one for free if you subscribe to our newsletter, but you can also literally Google BDSM checklist. They will come up. I I think that's the best way to, you know, find out a lot of things, you know, or even even bring it up in in a conversation. You know, what do what do you think about such and such, you know? Right. Also, define for yourself what you think deepest kinks mean. Mhmm. Are they the kinks that are the kind of stuff they're not ready to

admit to themselves? Is that what you think? If you think your partner has those kinds of kinks, are they kinks that they hint at, but they are not ready to move forward in a conversation with? Do you just believe that there must be more than what they're telling you? You know, some of that's a time thing. I deepest kinks is a little there's a reason I I put this

in here. It's a it's a little I know I can't think of the words I want to describe it, but, basically, if I could find other words to describe what I mean. It's like supposing it's assuming that what your partner is telling you are their kinks, that there's something else underlying or that these kinks are okay kinks, but somewhere inside of them are better, more meaningful kinks. And maybe that's true, but maybe they know what they like today. They know

what they're into. They're interested in. They're willing to do. And they might, over time, discover that there are other things they're into, but they can't discover them until they explore what they're into right now. And that does not invalidate finding new kinks down the road does not invalidate the early day kinks that maybe air quotes seem easier from your perspective or less intense or like, my first thing is before you can find out what their, quote, deepest things

are, what do you mean by that? What are you searching for? Are you looking for the secret stuff that most people won't admit to somebody else yet? Well, that is time, trust, honesty, integrity. Mhmm. You gotta build a relationship. So it's gotta be real, real comfortable with you to tell. Sometimes their deepest, darkest ones that they're afraid they might be rejected for or they feel are too taboo, and they're

not ready to. And and there there is something that you want to go be careful about because what you don't wanna do is, you know, if you do get them to open up about, you know, something that like that, you know, don't be do not be judgmental. Right. Okay? Do not react in a judgmental way. Mhmm. Exactly. So, yeah, think about what you mean by deepest kinks. Mhmm. And if you're thinking, oh, well, they're doing these basic things, but I'm sure there's something else. Mhmm.

You might be right that there will be something else, but that's not really for you to pull out of them. That is for them to develop enough trust with you and willingness and safety to be vulnerable with you, to let that out when they're ready, when they figure it out. Right? There are things that were real easy for me to be like, heck yeah. I can I'm I'm down for spanking. I'm down

for submission. Let's do this thing. And then other things I had to come to gradually over time as I got more comfortable to even go, oh, yeah. I'm kinda turned on by that. Or, oh, yeah. I'm kind of intrigued by that. And then I could only tell a partner that if we had developed the relationship where I knew I was safe to do that. Yeah. So, yeah, that's what I would say is, do some deep thinking about what you think

deepest means. And then if you wanna know what their internal world is, you gotta earn their trust and and really earn their trust, not Oh, yeah. Not do that fake shit that some people do of, I'm gonna say all the right things so they'll tell me anything, but I don't actually like like, be legit and fucking earn it. Earn that information from them. Oh, yeah. That's what that is. Okay. Alright. How do you deal with a dom who has a different love language from you?

Oh, I had thoughts. So if you feel go ahead, please, because I know I suck up all the oxygen. No. I'm no. I go ahead because I need to think about that one from you. I thought so. Because here's the thing. Here's my first of all, love languages, we've done episodes on love languages in the past, the deep, deep past. They are inherently flawed because, like, a lot of personality things, they can't cover everything.

But in general, the way a love language works is it's meant to be when you know your partner's love language, that is then how they want to receive love and affection and attention from you. So you can have different love languages. But if you're gonna follow the love languages model, which is imperfect, like super imperfect, but it's there, whatever, Then knowing each other's love language is important as long as you're willing to act on what their love language is. If they respond more to,

attention, I think it is Mhmm. But that's not your love language. Quality time. Quality time. Mhmm. Then you have to decide for yourself, are you willing to give them the thing that speaks to them, that feels like love to them? Does it matter if you're different as long as you're willing to do things that you wouldn't necessarily want for yourself Right. But that they want. Now the flaw in the

love languages, there's many flaws. But one of the flaws is that, recently I watched a video on this where the person was saying, essentially, those five classifications of love languages, with exceptions because there's no universal, nearly every human responds at different points in life from different people to all of those love languages. Right? So we, you know, we can rank them all day long, but there are times I want quality time or I want physical touch, and I'm not really

a physical touch kinda person. Right? There's times I want acts of service even though as a submissive, I tend to get deeply uncomfortable with acts of service provided to me. Right? So, you know, take the love languages thing with a grain of salt. But if you are gonna follow it as a model for how you interact in your relationship, it does not matter that you have different love languages. Are you willing to do what they're saying their love languages and that would be

meaningful to them? Are they willing to give you the kind of whatever it is your love language is that speaks to you? That's the if you're gonna follow it, that's what that means. Knowing them doesn't mean shit if then the partner you have goes, well, I'm gonna do what I wanna do. I don't care what your love language is. So that that's what I think on that. I've been thinking about this ever since I saw that one. Come in. Nope. I'm good. I'm gonna defer to you on this one.

Oh, okay. Okay? Thanks. You you you you did fine. Okay. Thanks. Okay. Okay. Let's go to some more here. K. I think this one is a a more simplistic answer than they realize. I wonder if you will have that immediate thought that I had. How to negotiate with an avoidant dominant dominant partner? I don't feel safe, but he avoids accountability. The answer was in the last sentence, but go ahead. Go ahead. Please say it. Run. Uh-huh.

I'm sorry. I do not trust us, not nary a person who calls himself a dominant if they can't be held accountable. That's right. They can't admit wrongdoing, if they can't say they're sorry, if they can't change their behaviors, if they can't do the things that they say they're gonna do, if they can't earn trust and maintain trust and nope. Yep. Yeah. No. That's no. If if someone is unable to have accountability Or be held accountable. Or or be held accountable. Yeah. You know,

let's face it. That that can be a very dangerous thing Yeah. In in the things that we do. Okay? So yeah. That's easy. Run. So I'm not as we did an episode on avoidant and a cup those other it's one of those things we did the episode. The information went into my brain. I said what I had to say. The information is now gone from my brain, so I don't remember as much. But the thing my my basic memories and limited understanding of the avoidant and the anxious and the blah blah blah.

We can all be some version of that and sometimes combinations of that and all that. And those can be truths about who we are. Like, our our instinct maybe is to be avoidant. Our instinct is to be an anxiously attached partner. But it's what are you willing to do to work through that to the best of your ability? Sometimes you need therapy for that. Sometimes it's like outside stuff you gotta work through shit.

But when you want to call yourself, in this case, we're talking power exchange, the dominant partner who is in control and takes control and has power and has authority and whatever whatever whatever that you're granting as a submissive. And they refuse to do anything about the fact that they are avoidant and their avoidance is making them a bad dom, then it's not about them being avoidant.

I mean, it is, but it isn't. It's about being a bad dom, a dangerous person, somebody who is not safe to play with. And for you to say, I don't feel safe, that is all that you need. Sometimes it's somebody not feeling safe if there's miscommunication somewhere. But sometimes it is your intuition screaming at you. Just just listen to that voice. Very every once in a while, you'll look back on it and go, well, maybe I wasn't really unsafe in the moment. I know

more now. But it don't matter. In this moment, you feel unsafe, that's information. Use it. Yeah. Use it. Mhmm. Okay. Next one. Alright. We have definitely answered this one before, but I know it comes up from time to time, so we'll do it again. Any suggestions for incorporating power exchange into a relationship when out in public? Yes. All kinds of things. All kinds of yeah. I mean, we we do that. We and

have been doing that. Because sometimes that's the only way we can express our power exchanges in ways nobody can clog. Exactly. You know, one of the, one of the things is, even though Kayla is the submissive in the relationship, when we go out, she's not allowed to touch, door handles. Right. You're holding the door for me. See, we're it's cis heteronormative

appearing. Mhmm. So all of the little old ladies think that is just the sweetest thing, and yet it would probably they would not think it was so sweet if roles are reversed or if it did not look so, air quote, normal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. No. She she always when we're out, we she walks on my right side. There was a time period, I think it was deep in pandemic days. Like, we weren't hold up in the house anymore, but we didn't linger anywhere that we went.

I remember walking through a Starbucks parking lot, and we things had gotten way off between us. There's a deep disconnect. Yep. And I was I was willing to walk on the side that I'm supposed to walk on, but somebody was making it difficult, maybe on purpose, maybe not. I was whining about it. I was hopping and puffing. Next thing I know, I in the parking lot, y'all. I feel a hand in my hair, and I get yanked over to the correct side.

So if you think walking in a specific, like, location in comparison to your partner can't be power exchange, well, talk to me when you get yanked back into position by your damn hair in a parking lot, It was empty. JB is aware of his surroundings. It was fine. Yeah. You know, I am your coffee slut. So when we used to go out to eat, like, for breakfast and stuff, if you order a coffee Mhmm. I put the cream and sugar in. Now does it confuse servers? Yes.

We don't give a fuck because it's not it's not anything that is, like, a consent violation. It's just a person making their coffee. Right? Right. But, so it's little things. And to do this, if if it's a part of your, like, power exchange and it's not outward kinks like being walked on a leash Yeah. You know, like, the stuff that's, like, kinda noticeable and and you're purposely looking for something that people can't

clock Yeah. You're gonna have to think kinda deep about what how does your power exchange work in private? For us, it's a I think it feels easier. I am a service. So if my daddy says do this thing for me, I'm in subby heaven. Right? So we can find things that I, quote, do for him Yeah. That don't look like anything Mhmm. When we are around family. And it's very again, it's heteronormative. It's southern, like, stuff that, you know, the the women are serving the men.

Like, that's less common than it once was, but it's still old school. And I I am one of the youngest in the family, so it's old school in my family. And so when we're at a family gathering, the fact that I make JB's plate for him and bring it to him, gathering, the fact that I make JB's plate for him and bring it to him, everybody thinks I'm just a good southern wife. No. I'm being a good citizen because that's what my daddy told me to do. Right? It's those kinds of

things. You have to think about things that you either are already doing or could be doing that other people would not even they're just not even gonna notice because it's just part of the norm for them or it's but it's meaningful to you. I mean, one of the one of the other things she does is when we go and get in the car, we'll go somewhere, she, gives me my sunglasses, puts my, you know, regular glasses away. We even have

this helps. We're very routine oriented people, so once we do something, like, twice, we have to do it forever. I get the cart quarter out when we go to Aldi. Yep. JB has never had to get his own cart quarter ever since we started going to Aldi. Also, when he he loads up the car because I put everything in the cart and I load the conveyor and I pay. That's not a submissive thing. That's a, that's a control freak part of me because I just bought very special way how she

loads the belt. And even though it's Aldi and it doesn't fucking matter. I got away. Just let me do it. So JB unloads the cart, puts everything in the car boner. Yeah. But what I do every time, unless I'm not feeling good Mhmm. I take the cart back and go retrieve our cart quarter. This man has almost never had to do anything with a cart quarter in his life. I have made the cart quarter my bitch. Okay? What? The cart quarter? Right. Right. Right. Yeah. How do I how do I do this at Aldi?

And it's it really is little things that they just have to have meaning to you. Mhmm. They are not specific to JB and Kayla and how we are. It's like things that we discovered that I could again, I'm a service so this makes it a little easier. Are there things I can do for JB Mhmm. That just look like I'm a nice human being and I'm a nice wife? Okay. Are there things I can do that just look like I'm, quote, taking my turn, but really I'm doing it because that's an expectation

that JB set? Yeah. Certain control things like walking on a certain side or, you know, never touching a door handle, which is not it's not never. I mean, we use common sense. If Jamie's hands are full, I'm gonna open a door. We would look real foolish standing at the door and me going, I'm sorry. I can't touch him. Right. I'm I'm sassy. I'm not bratty, y'all. Okay? Thin line. Thin line. That would not end well if I tried that shit. Thin line.

So, yeah, you just it's one of those things that's we can give we anybody can share ideas, and if any resonate, feel free. Use them. Try them. But it really is, like, kinda pay attention to the things that you're already doing. Can you can you give those things meaning and set them like, negotiate them in your power exchange so that then they really do have the meaning and they're officially part of this is what we do in public. We do not, however, have some rule that

I have to walk behind him. That would not I mean, I do sometimes because I'm walking slower. I used to be a fast walker, not anymore. And we don't have the rule that I don't have to speak. That would not work. No. That would just never have worked. But some people do. Some people do. She wouldn't. If she had to keep that all in, she'd explode. Because what would happen is if it was you don't speak in public unless I gave you permission, the moment we got to the car,

he wouldn't be able to handle it. Mm-mm. I couldn't handle it. I got thoughts. I got opinions. I need ear I need ear plugs. And quite frankly, I know there are power exchange folks who do that in in their relationship. And Right. Your kink is not my kink. Your kink is okay. I am deeply uncomfortable with it as a female submissive because of, you know, living in a misogynistic patriarchal society where women are supposed to shut up anyway. So you I'm not I I don't like it when I mean yeah.

Personally. Right. Everybody else can do what they want. Okay. I'm gonna do a shameless promotion question. I appreciate this question this person asked. Same. Do you have any new goals slash merchandise that you want to do for your shop? Yes. And you know what's funny? In my mind, we have 2 shops because we have the Kinkery, which is, like, it's our bread and butter. We are here for the fucking king the kinkery.com. But we also have our Etsy shop. Yes.

And that's the kinkery is your baby for all that I am deeply involved and help in it. The Etsy shop is my baby. True. So do you have anything about the kinkery? Because I do have a thing about the Etsy shop, don't worry. Okay. You know, sometimes I have more ideas than I have time. Mhmm. Okay? Yep. But, I I have been and I I been thinking about plugs made with resin. Butt plugs. Yeah. Okay. Just gonna be real clear there. That is our clear communication.

Anal plugs. Let's just kill the the monetization. Yeah. YouTube doesn't like us already, so we may as well, you know, just twist the knife. So yeah. You're So, you know, yeah, that that is something I've been been noodling about doing. Mhmm. You had I know you're probably not ready to talk about it. You had a really cool idea for a paddle that was based on, a special order request that you did. We did it the way we can do it now. And JB's like, yeah. This is fine.

This is what they asked for, but I know what I could do to make it more sadistic and look even better. And I was like, well, I hope you could make that happen. I just like it when your creative juices are flowing. Yeah. Like, you know I know. Life lives. And when the creative juices stop flowing, it sucks because you're like you feel stagnant. And yeah. I like it when I mean, I like it when your juices are flowing in general, but that's another conversation.

Anyway So, you know, yeah, there's that and, I'm I'm gonna be changing up the paddles that I do, wood burning Mhmm. On. I I'm gonna be using a different style of paddle, totally different from most of any of the ones that I've done thus far. Mhmm. You know, And, got them ready to go. And And now you started working on a thing I desperately want you to to put out, those very round, dangerous Oh, I mean, it's all a time thing. So I I did start on a bunch of

them. Yeah. Mhmm. But we're at a point now you can't get me 5 give me 5 and let me call that a launch. Like, early days of the Kinkery, if I had 5, I would have those for 3 months. Right. These days, we don't do a launch with less than, like No. 15 or 20 or something. And we're that's still us

being small. So, yeah, he's gotta make a whole lot more before can And and, you know, I I on and off, I do, you know, kind of one off paddles here and there whenever I can, whenever I I have the and and recently, I made one. I I tickle my I I amuse myself at the name I gave it. But go ahead. Basically, it it looked like a sword. I made it to look like a sword. And and I really liked it. It's it's time consuming to make. Yeah. And it probably will never become like a

regular stock item. No. But, from time to time, it's probably gonna Yeah. He liked it so much he made a template for it. That's how you know he wants to make it again. And so, of course, I got the practice swats. It hurts like a motherfucker. It's another one of those if a cane in a paddle had a baby kinda situations. Yeah. And so I like it when we have creative names. We do not all have creative names for all of our products. Some of the good

ones. Some of our products are just boring old names because I'm not that smart. But this one, I wanted it to be clearly about a sword, but I was like, but it needs to be about pain. And so instead of Excalibur, it's Excaliburn. Because that pain was a burning pain. I just want you to know. And a, a lovely kingster ordered it, and it's been sent off to his new home. Yeah. So anything else you wanna say about the cankary? I think that's Okay.

That's best to you. I have a goal for I have 2 goals for the Etsy shop, and I started making one of them happen literally the day before you started recording slash streaming. So I wanna add more workbooks. I have one ready to go, a workbook, but it's being it like, it's I'm the timing is weird because of other things going on that will make more sense in a couple of weeks. But I also wanted to do with 0 drawing capabilities out. I wanted to do BDSM coloring books. Now I didn't want,

like, people tied up. There are people who make those because they're artists and they can draw. I cannot. I wanted to do something fun. So I put on our Etsy shop just today our first coloring book. And it is gonna be one of a series because it's so I would say yes, daddy, and daddy would say good girl. I did a, like, a series of yes, sir, yes, ma'am, yes, whatever. And then good girl, good boy. And and it's not it's not an exhaustive list. So I'm gonna do several of them in

this style Mhmm. So that I can get more, honorifics and titles and labels in there to be as inclusive as possible. But, yeah, that's coloring books and, digital digital coloring works, like PDFs. You can download and print them out, and workbooks. That's my goal for the Etsy shop. I wanna do more physical products, but I have to design those, and that just gives me, like it just oh god. It's I stop. I get so much resistance and friction in myself with that, so we're doing digital products.

Okay. Next question that is not shameless self promotion. Best way to explain planning a scene to someone new. Like, someone's new, and you're trying I get I'm gathering you're trying to explain to them, hey. We planned scenes, and here's like, how do I how do I tell somebody this is not organic fucking where we just, like, fall into each other's bits and pieces. We're gonna plan this shit out. How how do you explain planning a scene to someone new? Wow. Wow. How how would you slowly.

You know, yeah. You you would I think you would have to be prepared for a lot of questions. I think you come with an example of what a scene might look like. Mhmm. And a base I think you start with the base going on somebody super new and they don't have a clue. And then you kind of backtrack it and go, okay. Here's the scene. Let me tell you how this gets planned out. Right? Yeah. You know, we're gonna talk about what we're both into. We're going to get really detailed about, oh,

this is a sensation I wanna feel. How intense of a sensation? How light of a sensation? With, like, will you spanking as the example? Just my hand? Do you wanna try a toy? Okay. We can try a toy. You've never tried a toy before? Not a problem. Here's how we will test that toy. I will hit it lightly on your leg. I will hit it on your forearm, and I will hit your butt. Right? Mhmm. And we will you literally break it down step by step, and then you're gonna talk about how it's gonna stop

if they don't like how something feels. And is that gonna be safe words, or are we just gonna rely on the word no? Yeah. You know? And I think you I think you explain it like an alien has arrived on the planet, does not know what this is, and you're having to, like, paint a picture for them. I think that is gonna be not there's probably not a one and done conversation. No. I have a feeling that's multiple conversations over time.

And I think that if if it's something that they seem to grasp pretty quickly and they can you can now have a back and forth conversation where they're asking questions that make sense, and it seems like they're grasping it, you can move that foe quick forward a little bit more quickly. But if they're like, I this this is, foreign to me, I cannot then you're gonna break it down to really little bitty pieces, I think. Yep. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. So anything else you wanna say about that?

Okay. Another shameless promotion one, but, also, you can answer this in ways I can't. Okay? And not just our promotion one. Okay. What BDSM Discord server do you enjoy? Also, do you have any recommendations to join? I'll do the shameless self promotion. You do, like, what you can talk about with what you know. Okay. Shameless self promotion. We have a Discord server. Mhmm. You have to be a member of our Patreon, and and be in that part of the

community to get access to it. You can join for as little as $2 a month. You get a whole bunch of extra content, extra podcast episode, extra video, extra livestream. Plus, if you go above the $2 minimum in each tier, you get little perks. So, ta da, we have a server. It's literally the loving BDSM Discord server, but it is only accessible when you join our Patreon. Okay. You are a member of other kinky Card supporters. Well, I Or you used to be. I used to be. Okay. I used to be.

I I scaled way back. Got overwhelming? It it got to be too much, you know, with with all the plates I'm juggling. Sure. I would you don't ever turn your notifications off. I don't have a single one on. And I would just watch the Discord notifications just roll in on your iPad. Some days, oh my god, I'm stressed. Now yeah. That that was one of the one of the things that, you know, I I did end up doing. 1st, for any other server I was in, I turned off notifications.

I just left it on for our server. But, but, yeah, it it's been a long time. You were in. Now the ones that you were in, did you have to be vetted first? Did you have to be invited? Or could you just join these? Most of them were ones that you had to be vetted for. And I think that's a good practice Mhmm. Quite frankly. Yeah. And and, I mean, it was, you know, point that you had to, like, a photo with your, driver's license. Oh, wow. For some of them. Okay. Good for them.

You know, blackout the address to him. They don't wanna see that, but they they wanted to see some sort of valid Like, you're really a person, and you're a legal adult. Yep. And and quite frankly, those are the kinds I would look for. It's it's a it's not gonna be perfect where you're gonna love that server when you get in there. But when, yeah, when there's a a certain responsibility taken by the people who are, you know, overseeing that server, that would make me feel

a lot better. Do you happen to remember the names of any of them? I Or still have them in your Yeah. One of them was the, the duchy, but that was through a, that that's only through a, Subscription. Subscription. You were subscribed to the Yes. The duchy. Yeah. Give me a second here. No. I can give you at least one of them. He's getting into his Discord. The, the rest the rest of them, I pretty much, got rid of. BDSM Loft. Okay. BDSM Loft. L o f t. Mhmm.

Okay. That that was that was a fantastic server. Okay. The person who runs it does a excellent job. They have moderators on the server. They have a lot of different activities Mhmm. That they do, which is great. And, you know, very very friendly folks on there. Yeah. I remember you talking about some of the different activities. I feel like, sort of a very I'm not stand I don't know how to describe myself as the the person with the server.

I'm not good at small talk and chitchat, so I don't really say much until I got something to say, which is why I'm usually in the rant room if I've got something say. But I'm always kinda there kinda looking around. I often feel guilty that we do not new do more Yeah. In the server. But, also, I don't know where I would pull that time from. And so Mhmm. But it you know, everybody else, thankfully, is holding their own with the conversations. So And, Kim brought up, Pink Kink.

Oh, does Pink Kink have the okay. I didn't know Robert had a a Discord. Okay. Is that through their is that through any membership thing in there? That I do not know. I would go to the Pink Kink. Mhmm. Is it the pink is it pinkkinkdot com or pinkkinkpodcast.com? Google Pink Kink Podcast. They have a website. Yep. Go learn about their Discord. Mhmm. Highly recommend anything Rah Rah does.

Okay. I want to answer this one question, but it's another shameless promotion when I'm gonna answer, like, some actual, like Oh, okay. Some of these are, like, complicated. We need, like, video. We need, like, video time to answer some of these. Okay. Here's a common one. How to be open about my kinks to my significant other. Oh. Yep. That's tough. That is tough. Yeah. Because that can be a crapshoot sometimes. I am a big fan of the hypotheticals.

Like, hypothetically, I I heard about this thing and then insert one of your own kinks. What do you think about this? Think about this? Yeah. And if they they don't necessarily have to be, like, full throated acceptance, enthusiasm, open arms. Right? They don't have to be that way. As long as the the response to a hypothetical is not pure judge judgment and disgust Or oh, no. No. Not that way. Imagine

anything about kink. Right? Like that as long as it's not that, you probably have an inroad to actually just have the conversation. You know, if it's, yeah. You know, I've I've heard of it, but I don't know anything about it. Right. It it's okay if it's indifference. It's okay if it's pure ignorance or, like, I don't know anything about that. That you can work with that. What you can't work with is disgust, disdain Mhmm. Judgments

Yeah. Like, that kind of stuff. Because that's the thing you're looking for with a hyphenic. What helps too when you have those conversations is not to say, hey, you know, I found this thing and I I it's really cool and I wanna try this. What do you you know? Mhmm. I I that to me is kind of a a the wrong way to go about it because that puts then pressure on the other person. To me, the only time you really have the space for that is if you know where they stand on

True. Things. Y'all are already on the same page about stuff. I mean, yeah. I would do I would do that with you. Sure. You know? Because we I'm you know, I might tell you I am not interested in that, but I'm not gonna judge you for it. I'm not we're not gonna break up over, like No. No. No. Yeah. So, you know, and and I think that's where it comes in, you know, how you do the presentation of, hey. You know, I I came across this thing. Mhmm.

And have you ever heard of this? And, you know, it it sounds interesting, but, you know Right. Silent makes a point in the in the live chat, you know, that, talking about x. X used to be in the no no yucky camp too. Here's the thing. There's a difference between a, oh, I don't like that versus a, oh, why would anybody that's an I think it's a vibe check. Right? And quite frankly, if the vibe you're getting from a partner you really care about and love is not uh-uh. No. Gross. It might just mean

it's not the time now. Right. Or that's not the kink to start with. Right? Y'all, JB has been in kink for literal fucking decades. And the first time I mentioned, do do I think did I think did he think he could be a daddy dong? I thought he could be a daddy dong. What do you think about it? He laughed his fucking ass off. Like, I had just said, well, I what I'd like you to actually do is go walk on the moon tonight. He was like like, pure, like, what the fuck are you even talking about?

He I mean, he's a mature soul, so he wasn't judgy about it, but he thought it was, like, it was impossible. Impossible. But so him laughing like that, I was like, okay. We will not go down this road together right now. He that's not where his head is at. Right? But because everything else was still good, I didn't think, oh, no. I can never talk to him about this again. And then here he is now, total daddy dom. There is a vibe check to it. Right? Like, if

if you're here's the thing. If you're trying to tell a partner about kinks and you start with a hypothetical and they their reaction makes you feel like you can't really talk to them about it now ever or just not yet, then that's information. You just maybe don't talk to them about it yet. I think depending on the type, how long you've been together, the nature of your relationship, how strong it is without any kink, like, you you feel really confident in this relationship.

I think you can bring kink up in a different way later, a few weeks, few months, whatever whatever. There because there are other all kinds of ways to approach a conversation. But if you want to test the temperature of can I tell my partner I'm fucking kinky, their their immediate reaction to a hypothetical is a lot of information? Right. Yep. Doesn't mean you have to break up. It just might mean, okay, that we're not talking about that right now. Yep.

And and you and you never know. Sometimes too, you know, bringing that up, even if it's, you know, turned away at that point Mhmm. You still may have planted a seed. Yep. Yep. You still may have planted a seed. I if if you mentioning kinks does not to a partner, does not immediately have them go, oh my god. Yeah. I've been I've been meaning to talk to you. Can I can I share my own kink with you? Right? Mhmm. If it doesn't immediately result in that,

it doesn't mean it's never gonna happen. It just means it might be a very slow moving ship. Right? Yeah. And then patience is called for it, and we all know how I feel about that word. But it really does fucking work most of the time, which is really annoying because I really hate having to be patient. So, yeah, you might plant the seed. You might see organic opportunities later where you can

maybe bring up the kink. Now the question you have to decide for yourself, and you don't have to decide right away, but you need to be thinking about is, is this desire for kink important enough for me to find a partner who wants to do this with me? Right? And everybody's everybody's a little different about it. I'm at a point now first of all, JB's not going no damn where. Okay? He's stuck. Sorry. Sucks to be you. You're here with it with me till the bitter fucking end.

Thelma and Louise. But if I had to, like, go find, like, my my husband again, they're gonna have to be kinky. It's nonnegotiable. Right? I'm I am non monogamous in theory, not in practice, but I need that person to be kinky. I I don't know what flavor of kink they need to be, but they better be kinky. Right? Same thing. Right? Like that's, I know that that is not gonna work for me. Because I'm, you're either gonna come into this kinky or I am going

to turn you. There will be kink. It will just happen. Other people are like, with a right partner, yeah, I want that, but I can not do kink and be really happy with this partner. So that's the thing to decide, not just how you think they might react, but is this person somebody you wanna be with even if you can never do kink with them? And there's no right answer. No. There's no right answer at all. Mm-mm. Okay. Let's see. Excuse me.

I feel like there's there's no good answer to this one, but we're gonna do this one and then the last little, like it's not promotional, but like a us question, and we're gonna be done. Okay. How can you tell when a man is genuinely a real daddy dom and not just a poser. Ain't that the fucking question of all kink? How can you tell if that's a real what they say they are or not, just a poser? You know, that and that is something that, you know, time will tell.

Sure. Okay. You know, you you have to look, for certain traits, you know. Are they nurturing? Do they follow through with the things that they they say they're going to do? Mhmm. You know? Do they actually seem to care about you on some level? Right. It doesn't have to be a I'm in love with you, I'm gonna be with you forever care. But do they care about you as a human being? And that's a good point. You know, a a good daddy dom or caregiver needs to have empathy.

Oh, yeah. Okay? Oh, yeah. You know, and and and these are things that you are going to see in a person as you spend more time with them. Right. Because they can say anything. Mhmm. It's not who cares? It's about what they do, and it's not about what they do one time. It's about what they Consistency. Yeah. Because a poser can pretend one time. But they can't usually keep it up over the long term. That's what she said. Yeah. So you you have and you it's a stage

thing. You start with what they say. Right? And unless if you're getting a feeling like something doesn't feel right, please, please, please, I'm desperate for everybody to listen to that this doesn't feel right voice. Sometimes you'll be wrong, but most of the time you won't. It's okay. So you listen to what they say. Does it does it align with how the kind of, in this case, daddy dom that person wants or the kind of partner you're looking for? Whatever your philosophy about kink and BDSM is.

And when I mean philosophy, I sort of mean them. How do you wanna move through kink is I'm gonna tell you, I believe communication needs to be is the most important thing. Right? And but I'm also gonna add, like, nuances like being vulnerable. And and for for somebody trying to show that they're actually a decent dumb, being able to admit wrongdoing and being able to apologize and, you know, being able to be told that they're wrong. Like, you're gonna they're gonna

say things, and you start there. And if the vibes are good with what they say, then you start paying attention to what they do. And again, anybody can do the right thing one fucking time. Mhmm. That's an overtime thing. But it's it's the long the long term. And sometimes, not always, sometimes our intuition will scream at us when they do the thing because we're like, something about that ain't right. So, nope.

I'm not vibing with that. And sometimes it's a personal preference thing, and sometimes it's your instinct screaming at you that this is not real and this person is faking. Doesn't matter. You can have a conversation about it. You can go, it was nice to meet you. I'm gonna go have my own life over here. Like, whatever you wanna do. And it's a stage thing. It's why we caution every fucking body to start really fucking slow.

I get that it's super exciting to find a dom who says all the right things and is, like, hitting you right in your little subby feels, but it can be extremely dangerous to then just jump into a full on scene or jump into a full on power exchange negotiation when you've known this person either actually 5 minutes or the equivalent of 5 minutes. Right? Two conversations don't make a power exchange. Okay? No. It just so that's a little bit of it. Like, if you are willing I'm sorry. That's okay.

The other thing I was gonna say, you know, if if this person is a part of the community, you know, what what do other people in the community think about them? And we've talked about this with vetting before. If they if they are because some people will proclaim themselves parts of communities. Right? They'll go, I go to this much. I'm in this group. I'm in here. Okay. Make a list. What group? What munch? Where do you go? Okay. Now does that have a presence on FetLife?

If that group, organization, community munch has a then you are going to DM whoever is, like, the host of that group on FetLife and go, do you know this person? Is there anything you can tell me about him? That is it's it's not as common today in the 21st century as it was in the 1900, y'all. But goddamn, I hate saying that.

But vetting is absolutely still a part of the BDSM experience, and there are plenty plenty of community organizers who are not gonna bat an eye to get that DM or to have somebody come up to them in a month and go, this person says that they that, you know, they're part of this community. Do you know them? What can can you tell me anything about them? Because what you'll find out is, did you just catch them in a lie? And that they're not known by anybody?

Or did you are they known, but they are, like, on the watch list? Yes. That exists in communities where sometimes people are allowed to go to a event so people can watch them and make sure they're not doing dangerous shit. Yeah. And there's a whole conversation to be had about whether that's the right thing. Yeah. And then sometimes you find out, and this was true with JB, that they are exactly who they say they are, and they have people have great respect for them. Now that

is not always Yeah. A 100%. People can have great respect for somebody who is acting shitty, but Yeah. And there there are there are more and more communities. I know there are there are several communities near us and and also other parts of the state where, you know, to keep the members safe, they actually do background checks. Sure. We're trying to be a vendor at a thing later in September, and we are going through a background check, which I don't have a

problem with. But I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Because not every community does that. Right. Also fine, but it's like But but there are more and more doing that now Mhmm. To to keep people safe. And, again, a background check only tells you so much. Right. But you wanna know what I take as in, information to, pay attention to? How do they respond to the fact that they need to do a background

check? Mhmm. Yep. And and and are they willing to tell you why maybe they don't really want a background check? Now sometimes people have shit in their background that they just don't wanna talk about. To a certain extent, that's fine. I'm not gonna tell somebody that you gotta tell me all your damn secrets on the 1st day.

But if I'm a submissive and you're a dom and you don't want the dungeon where we can go play in as as safe away as possible, which air quote all of that, and you won't even do that, well, that tells me as an individual submissive I can't be playing with you. And and, you know, that that is another good point to bring up too that I wanna

mention real quick. You know, you you meet somebody a lot of times in in this day and age, you meet online, and, you know, one of the first things, hey, especially when you get to the point you you want to meet, well, you know, there's a there's the munch happening at such and such a day at such and such a time. Let's meet there. You know, if they kinda balk about Thank you. Meeting at a munch, that that that's kind of a flag. And here's here's the thing, because somebody's gonna go,

but you don't know. Somebody might have a reason they don't wanna okay. Okay. Okay. That's fine. You can have your individual reason why you don't wanna do something. But if my intuition is screaming at me and I have decided that a precursor to being able to be with somebody to decide if they are a real legit person, I wanna get kinky with this. These are the things I need from you, and you're not willing to do it. That is information for me to make a decision.

So if it sounds like trying to figure out if somebody is a poser is hard work, you're right. It is. It is. And the people I find who are willing, not this is not universally true, but the people I find who are most willing to do it tend to be the ones who have had to, like, deal with a poser. When may from a submissive side, they were in sub frenzy. Some douche said, like, 3 of the right words to them, and they kinda jumped in with both feet

and didn't really think about it. Those folks, they are they are taking their time next time. And I'm I wish they didn't have to get hurt to get to that point. Yeah. But I'm glad they're taking their time. Yeah. It's anybody can say anything. Mhmm. So it's not what they say. It's what they do. Do. And it's what they do over time. And if they are telling you that there are other people who can vouch for them, then go see if those people will really vouch

for them. Right? Like, what would they say about them if that they're not standing there. Right? And, again, none of this is foolproof. You can do all all of the air quote right things and still be lied to, still be manipulated, still get, you know, a a person who just played this really long fucked up game with you. But these are the best ways to do that. Can happen, but, you know, you you need to do your best to protect yourself. Right. And it you know, it's all you can do. And at some

point, it's a leap of faith. You have gathered as much information as you can. Mhmm. You have observed as much as you can. You are making the best judgment you can in the moment with the information you have. Are you willing to take the next a little bit of a leap of faith? And a leap of faith does not mean we talked online 3 times. I kind of vetted you, and now I am alone in a back alley room tied up, and you're throwing knives at me. Okay?

It's like, we're gonna start with a little scene and a little kink and maybe a little power exchange. We're gonna start really, really small. Yeah. Because that's how you test the waters. And then the thing and I have I have been ranting about this probably since 2015. You know? Not everybody knows how to listen to their instincts. There's a lot of reasons and a lot of shit people go through where they don't trust themselves. Mhmm.

Here's the thing. Not trusting yourself doesn't mean that there's not some part of your physical being that's reacting and responding. You just don't trust it. So I would rather people be overly cautious and maybe let a decent partner slip through their fingers because they listened to some internal part of themselves that went, something didn't feel right. Right? Like, just I don't want people to have the kind of trust issues I have, but I want some folks to have a

few more trust issues than they do. Mhmm. Trust but verify. You know what I mean? Mean? So last question that has nothing to do with any of this, but it's the last one because I was like, this is fun. They said, I am new to the podcast and curious. Why are the listeners called crickets? I was expecting to get the why do you hate this fucking handle so much. Right. We've answered that one a few times. We've answered this one a few times, but we'll answer again. So in a while, I think. So, you

know, go ahead. Early ish days of the podcast. Early enough that it's not so early that I it was just me. It was when JB was finally part of the episodes as well. I don't know if y'all can tell. I'm a rambler. Okay? These this train of thought, there are many tracks. They diverge. Okay? We got change stations or whatever the fuck they're called all over the place. Right? So what was happening is we would be trying to talk about a topic, and I would, whoop, get veered off and spend a

few minutes talking about it. I was on the nose. And a person who had been listening from the very beginning, they were very kind. I don't I don't handle, unasked for criticism well, but this time I was I was in the right room of mine. They messaged me on FetLife and went, I love your podcast. I love the topics, but you were killing me with these side stories. But I always wanted to share with the side stories because, okay, the way my brain works, they were all relevant.

If your brain doesn't work that way, you might not see the relevance. But in my mind, they were. But there were also things I wanted to share with people because we would be talking about a part of power exchange and would make me think of something kind of semi related that I wanted to share. So, what we did was we started with I'm not always Excalibur, that's a good one. Ass beater, that's a paddle name, good one. The bonus section is not a good name. I'm not usually good with names. Okay?

It's the bonus section. And what would happen with the way it started was every little, like, side story I wanted to say in the middle of a topic, I would somehow I think I was jotting notes down. Try to remember it, and we would get to the end of the episode. We would say our goodbyes, and then we would go into the bonus section, and I would talk about whatever had popped into my fucking mind that I could still remember in this bonus section. And it mostly wasn't

about kink. It still is not hardly ever about kink. In the 1st few weeks of that, maybe 1st few months, I would say to JB, I am sure that nobody is here listening to this. Why would anybody listen to this part? This is not about the topic. I am sure we are just talking to crickets. Okay? That's where it started. And then this is when I was still on Twitter before it really fucking sucked. We had somebody who tweeted at us and went, hey. I'm listening to the bonus section.

I'm a hashtag proud cricket. And there I know. There it was. A merchandising and branding opportunity when I see it. And truly, the Patreon community is the Proud Cricket community. Every coupon code we give, Proud Cricket. The tiers are related to crickets. I went all fucking in. A fan who's an artist gifted us some artwork and said, you know, you can use it in whatever you want. I just never sell sell it. I'd like if I if I do anything with their artwork that they've granted

me permission to do with it. It's like freebies for the the patrons or whatever. But it was it was cricket stuff, like crickets because the people who were staying to the bitter end Mhmm. At that time started calling themselves crickets because I I was like, nobody's here. We're talking to crickets. And they were like, you are talking to crickets. You're talking to us. We are the crickets. And I have fucking loved that since it

happened. I remember because it's a little bit of it's first of all, it's a vulnerable fucking thing to turn on a microphone and go, I'm going to tell you all the thoughts in my head and put it out there into the world. Right? And it's a little scary, but you kinda feel like you're talk like, we're talking to one another. Right? And then when you start getting feedback, you're like, oh my god. There's people listening. So then you're a little bit more aware of

yourself. Then when you get a critique like that, and we decided to do something about it, it was hard because now I'm like, but I don't even know why people are here. Like, this was early days. I'm like, I don't do they like us? Do they like the top? Like, I don't know. So would they stay for this? And then to find out that not only were people staying for my weird ramblings, they were then identifying themselves in such a way. I mean, it was just so fucking gratifying.

Mhmm. So fucking gratifying. It was cool. So, yeah, we're all in on crickets now. Mhmm. So, yeah, there there were several questions. Some were so broad. We will need, like, an episode to talk about. And I have to have a business meeting with you because I had a whole I had a series of podcast episodes, like a literal, hey. We're gonna I wanna call this a series. That's how many topics came to me at one time. It's the stupid walk for our stupid mental health. So it does it.

And so some of these questions that were just too broad might be either part of that series or just an episode to do. So so, yeah, that was the last one. Thank you all for your your questions. Mhmm. I am okay. So we take questions over on Instagram, like I said, because it's just easier the mechanism they have. But, also, I have started, letting my goofy side out in a different way over there. The reels I post are,

like, meme like reels that I'm making. Like, I'm taking, like, a popular sound or a popular meme, but I'm kinking it up. And I don't know if I'm entertaining anybody else, but I am delighted, and I'm laughing and cackling over the shit that I'm posting. And so if you're, like, a little skeptical about the Instagram thing, I'm just saying, I think I'm hilarious. If you would like to find out, it's at that fucking handle I hate, loving d s and the number one. So at loving

d s one. I fucking hate that handle. Anyway, there. That's that's the pitch for the fucking handle I hate. And so now we can go into a bonus section. So are we good? Oh, my throat hurts. I have not talked so much. My throat hurts. I've talked so much. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets, please? Well, what if they don't wanna hear hear us talk anymore? Then they're free to leave.

That's what consent's about. I can talk to my I've been talking to myself for 44 years. Pretty sure before I was able to form words, the babble was really for my benefit, not for anybody else's. Not for anybody else's. So while I hope folks not for anybody else's. For anybody else's. So while I hope folks will stay and I want folks to stay and I might I would be sad if we were alone, I can keep talking with no fucking body. You could leave, and I would keep going.

Okay. Nope. I meant if everybody else went away and you left, I could keep going. That is what I meant. Did you ever answer the question? No. Well, that's it's a good thing I kept talking just to you then, isn't it? Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. Mhmm. You can talk to the crickets. Thank you, dad. Lola is having a rough week. We have to give the the Lola report. Lola has a very swollen, very swollen eye. Looks like somebody popped her in the head. That is not what happened.

But, I mean, you're like, did she get in a fist fight? What happened to her? It's your story to tell her. The funny thing is is that over the weekend, somebody was asking about Lola, like, oh, she's she's doing good. She's doing good. And that went to shit real quick. Mhmm. So, you know, yeah. Back in back in July, took her to the had to take her into the vet, because there there was something going on with her eye that we we didn't know. Right.

It wasn't bad at the time. The vet looked at it, and it's it's one of 2 things. It's either a clogged, tear duct Mhmm. Or, I guess this is apparently common in in in Lola's breed. The Lower eyelid. Lower eyelid has curled in on itself. And so her eyelashes Eyelashes curled in too. Are curled in. So, you know, it was it was irritated, but the vet said it wasn't to the, you know, anything serious, and, you know, it It was a

keep an eye Keep Yeah. Pardon the pun, keep an eye on it kind of situation. Yep. So, Monday, noticed that her eye was looking a little more red. Mhmm. Or, you know, the around the eye, the eyelids, the lower eyelid. Tuesday morning, woke up, and her eyelid was angry. Yeah. Very, very swollen. One. Noticed some discharge. Got her into the vet. Vet was able to see her that morning. Like, a couple hours later Yeah. Because I had I had

a doctor's appointment. I had to go to get get the oldest and take him grocery shopping. Like, I was gone. I'm like, I cannot help you. Here's do you have the number for the vet? You're gonna have to call them. Yeah. And, you know, so we what the vet looked for was to see that she did not have any active ulcers in her eye, which she did not. That that came back fine, which was good. So what she's having us do right now, 3 times a day, I have to put drops in her eye, 2 drops in in her eye.

And then I also have to put, get a hot compress and put it over her eye for several minutes. I got a E Z Pass on the first eye drops. Because you didn't know what that was. You didn't know what was coming. Yeah. Since since then, the eye drops have been a little bit of a challenge. She does not like it. No. She does not. Mm-mm. But she seems to do very well with the with the hot compress. Yeah. I think it must be comforting to her. Yeah. Plus, you're hugging her and petting on her and

loving her at the same time. At the same time. So what what we're kinda looking at at this point is, get to this Friday and see if the eye drops I think they're like an antibiotic eye drop is what you told me. Okay. So the eye drops and the hot compress till Friday. If there is no major improvement, then they're gonna put put put her on antibiotics. Like a pill, kind of antibiotics. Got it. And if that does not work, then they will have to do surgery.

Yeah. Yeah. So we're hoping that the other things work. We're we're hoping the other things work. Yeah. She she is being such a champ about it. Yeah. Yeah. She's not aggressive. She's she's quieter. She's lower energy. And she was already a baked potato, but she's lower energy than usual. But she's, like, she's not aggressive. She's not so miserable that she's lashing out. She's just like, can I sleep in the most comfortable spot that I can find? Will

you stop putting things in my eyeball? Right. Right. Now, the upside to all this, she has lost £4. She has? Oh, god. Yeah. I didn't tell you why I was so confused. Did I so I'm texting back and forth with JB Mhmm. As I'm at red lights as I'm trying to get to where I need to be to be with the kid. And, he tells me, oh, she weighed in. She's £81. My brain remembered that the last time she weighed in, she had dropped 1 pound. Right.

So when I saw the 1 in 81, I was like, she's never gonna lose weight. And he comes back with, that was £4 lost. I was, like, I don't know how to number. I don't know how numbers work. Because because initially, she was 85. No. She was 80 85. Okay. Then she was 84. Then she was 84. Now she's 81. And now she's 81. So her medication seems to be helping. Yes. Could I get some of that? Would her vet please? No. I'm at a different weight class, so I might

need a different dose. So so that's kinda where we're we're at with, poor Lola. Kinda noticed she wasn't yowling tonight the way she has been the last few weeks for a while. She got swaddled on her cot and immediately fell asleep. Yep. We we think temporarily. We think. We found the trick. That that may be the trick. We recorded Monday's video and she didn't say a word. Sound.

And, yeah, prior to the recording, she was she was kind of on her bed, but she wasn't, you know, she was doing that circling thing that the dogs do. And I went over there, I grabbed her blanket, and I picked it up, put it on, you know, put the blanket on her. She she laid down, and then I just kinda swaddled and, you know, covered her. And she put put her nose down into the blanket under her, and she has been there the whole time. We love a comfy, cozy girl. Yep. She's in her comfy era. K. I

love to be comfy, cozy too. So I mean, same. Okay. I don't I'm not gonna go into too great a detail here, but I have to complain about this. Uh-oh. I already complained to you about it. So I went to the doctor Okay. So it's nothing that I did. How this is not the form I would be complaining about. Not for the first time it being mentioned. I will complain after I've already talked to you, and we're now laughing about it. Yeah.

Now had a doctor's appointment Tuesday because I'm tired of sweating through the sheets at night. Tuesday because I'm tired of sweating through the sheets at night. Right? So I have been dealing with the perimenopausal journey. Please give me some more estrogen kind of, life for, what is it, like, a year? Maybe a little over a year? Y'all know I'm bad with dates and my memory is shit. But I have had lab work done, blood drawn, specific to check these specific hormone levels no

less than 4 times. Right? I have had different prescriptions from this particular doctor. I've had multiple visits. I can remember that because I know how much I'm paying every time I walk up to the front desk. Okay. I go in for this visit because I had I needed, some medications to be, the prescription to be renewed, and I was also needing to tell the doctor. And I've done this all online through the, like, the messaging portals. Like, I need this renewed. It's there's no more,

refills on this. And, also, I'm still fucking miserable, and it's actually gotten worse. Is there anything we can do? She's like, oh, we need to do lab work, and you need to come in for an appointment, and then we can talk about it. I was like, okay. Great. A few more weeks of misery. This is lovely. So I did it. We go I go. The doctor walks in and goes, so I see that we're here to talk about your blood work and your lab results today. And, you know, maybe talk about

maybe talk about hormone replacement therapy. Have we ever had this conversation before? Have you ever had any of this done? I'm like, nope. At least 3 or 4 times, which was like, okay. Let me back up. I do not expect busy doctors to remember me every time I walk in. I recognize that I for for me, they're a singular person, so I'm gonna remember them. And they see 100 of patients between like, the last time she saw me and maybe 1,000. I don't fucking know.

I don't I don't expect you to, like, remember remember me. I would love it if you could at least maybe remember my face. I would love it even more if just before you walked in the door, you looked at my fucking chart. So this is a doctor who has a person who's taking the notes and transcribing as the appointment is happening. I appreciate that because I don't think I would trust her to to to chart and put notes in in

my chart as so I'm great. So then she turns to this person while I'm still sitting there and goes, oh, show me the last few. Goes through 4 of them and goes, oh. Oh, oh, okay. Okay. And I'm not rocking the fucking boat because I don't need to piss this woman off for her to go, I'm not gonna give you these medications that I'm over here going, I know I need these medications. Okay. So I'm just like then she turns to me, and she goes, okay.

So on you know? And she understood on the testosterone, she needed to renew that because it's a controlled substance. But she started talking to me about testosterone cream and how that's used for hormone replacement therapy as if it was the first time. Okay. Well, I'm gonna have to do this, and it's a controlled substance, and you have to get it compounded in here. And I'm just nodding, like, yeah. I've had, like, 6 fucking refills. Like but I didn't say that because I'm not

broken the boat. And I also am not confrontational. I'm just not. I'm just like, mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. And then she goes, okay. So you should keep taking your progesterone. And I go, well, you told me to stop taking that. That doesn't sound like me. This is one of those times I'm glad I remember certain things. I go, well, the conversation went like this. We were the last time I'd gone on a medication break and I came back in, and you were renewing the medications because I was miserable

on that medication break. And you said, and I quote, you don't have a uterus, so you don't really need progesterone, so we won't worry about that. And then she goes I said, because I and then because I didn't think she remembered. I was like, I've had a partial hysterectomy. I don't have a uterus. She goes, oh, yeah. Because, you know, progesterone is protective for the but you do need progesterone. It's your levels are very low. And I'm like,

really? She goes, so I'll give you a higher dose and this is my highest limit. I think that's probably as much as you need. And if you're not already there, I'll bump you up. And I'm like, okay. And I'm just I'm just nodding and I'm just smiling because I'm like, get me through this appointment. And just I just want my medication again. I just I wanna stop sweating through the sheets. And I would like the couch to stop feeling like we're in the Sahara. That would

be great. And I would also like to remember what wanting sex feels like because I miss that. So I'm like, I'm just not I'm just smiling and on. I'm smiling and on. And I'm like, this bitch just and so I'm was talking to my mom later and she's like, why are you still with this doctor? I'm like, because going to this doctor means I don't have to, like, meet new people and do the research and read the Google reviews and not trust the people leaving Google reviews.

I know this woman will give me fucking HRT. I don't know if a new one will or not. So, anyway, that was my complaint. Yeah. That was a a a bumpy day for you. Yeah. It was already stressful because Lola's eye, and we were having some stuff, like, just going on that we had to deal. And, you know, and I went from that appointment, which I walked in stressed because I wanted my medication. I didn't know if she'd give it to me. But then I left stressed because I

was like, what the fuck? And then I drove to Gainesville because the 19 year old's like, I'm hungry. And I don't mean he want a McDonald's. He's like, can we take me to the grocery store? I was like, yes. And we because we were supposed to do it over the weekend and we couldn't make that. It was it's been wild.

So we go do that. And I look at my I do not know how somebody in podcast list, but if you can't see me, but if you've ever seen a picture, you know, I do not know how somebody who looks like me had 2 very tall, very slender children who cannot keep weight on. I Yeah. And I mean, I I know their biological father and I know that family. None of us know where this has come from. So they have the opposite of the problem I have and they literally cannot keep waiting

on it. It's a struggle for them. And I am looking at my 19 year old going, you are smaller than the last fucking time I saw you. And then I went to, like, give him a hug, and I'm like, I feel all the vertebrae in his neck. And I'm like, what the fuck? He goes, well, I'm like, what the fuck? That is what I said to him. He's like, well, I eat dinner. He's like, and I make breakfast or I try to make breakfast. He's like, it's the middle of the day meals. I'm not

and, you know, there's some legitimate reasons. Some are like a teenager's sort of justification for shit. He's also a broke college student. So I was like, okay. Well, let's go to the grocery store. Let me talk you through some simple ways to, like that I think you might be willing to do. And then I was like, don't worry. I will send you written instructions later.

Mhmm. And then I'm on the phone with my mom, his grandma, and she's like, well, I want him to I'm talking to her like, I really wish he would eat more. He needs to eat more. I need to make sure he's got groceries. And she's like, I want him to eat more too. She goes, well, what does he what does he do? I'm like, well, he loves to go to Wawa. Loves him some fucking Wawa. It's also convenient to the music building. Like, there's one, like, a couple blocks down or whatever.

So she is now on a mission to just send him Wawa gift cards. She was like, tell him he's supposed to eat with these. He rides a a bike not a bike, but a motorcycle, but a little one. So we don't really need it for gas. Gas is like $3, and it lasts him like 2 or 3 weeks. Yeah. So it is food. And she's like, you tell him to eat. Yes, ma'am. I'll tell him to eat. I'll tell him to eat. I'll tell him to eat. I'll tell him to eat. So, yeah. So, yeah. That's been our our week so

far. And in the middle of it, we got cutting boards up on your shop. Yep. We're launching a product and a sale for the Kinkery. Mhmm. Email folk will hear about it on Thursday. Everybody else will get to hear about it on Friday. And I made a coloring book, and I neglected my vanilla Etsy shop, but I got plans for that. Oh, but have I researched the curriculum for the youngest school? And I had wanted him to start

next Tuesday. No. I have not. I I I think I think I've I've I firmly believe that there's a little bit of a mental block there after the, scarring from crushed tears almost feeling I will not be full on snarky like I was just thinking. I agree with you there. Also, I've worked 17 days in a row. I know. 8 to 10 hour days without a break. So I'm gonna have to make the time. You you you you you have been I've been. You've you've been. It's it's been yeah. Yeah. Yep. The we got a question in live

chat. Does the school have a free coaching counseling program? They also help with practical solutions. They have a pretty good for is for they have specifically a good, like, group office thing for neurodivergent students. Getting the oldest to do it would probably be a different a different experience. But I could probably look into it and see if I can send him some information. He's he's mostly do it like, his bills are paid. He's, like, he's got everything on

how to pay his grades. They just started school, so he's, like, they're barely into it. But, like, he took summer courses and his grades are fine, and he's handling the schoolwork and the responsibility. Mhmm. But he I am the whatever my neurodivergence is of food is my dopamine rush, so I've never forgotten a meal in my fucking life. He is that brand of ADHD where it's like, oh He'll he'll forget to eat? He'll forget. Yeah. And and he won't realize until he's,

like, at the end. So it's like and he we never realized that truly about him because he was at home, and I could keep him fed or, like Right. He had a very solid routine, so he was always eating breakfast a certain time. And and this past year, he's just he struggled with it. So Yeah. Yep. Just gotta get him fed. He has in high school, he used to be like, oh, leftovers. He hated leftover night in this house, and I'm like, look. Yep. We

we're not made of money or food. We're eating leftovers in this fucking house. And he would turn his nose up. He'd make a sandwich, anything that he did not wanna eat leftovers. And now I'm like, so how do you feel about leftovers now? He Start the the attitude is slowly starting to, change. Yeah. Tell me how ordered Chipotle, and they somehow made it I know that they don't usually they made it real big for

him this time. He's like, I couldn't eat it all, so I just saved the other half, and I ate it the next day. I'm like, who the fuck? That's how leftovers work. It's almost like somebody told you about that. Right. Right. Glad you discovered, much like Columbus, was discovering things. I'm glad you discovered leftovers there, dude. Anyway, I love that boy. So yeah. We're just we're 2 wild and crazy guys. That's all I got. Yeah. I mean, is can I keep rambling and, like, lullabying? Of

course. I guess. You know, he says that. And yet, when I get super quiet and not because I'm, like, super focused on something, but, like, I just get really quiet Are you okay? Is something wrong? What what what's the matter? If you want to know what my either mental or physical state is when I'm talking up a storm. Pretty good. Even if I'm ranting and pissed Yeah. When I get real quiet Look out. It's bad. It's so bad. It's so bad. True. True. True. True. True.

So anyway Mhmm. I guess we should go now. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. The wooddom.com or use the link in the places to JB's Etsy shop. Mhmm. Thank you to us for sponsoring us. Okay. We're gonna go now. Okay. Bye.