Imposter Syndrome in Power Exchange and Kink

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode 406. K. The Lord's here with the 1, the only, the you were previously gruff and grumpy, and now you seem like you're kinda chilled out, John Brownstone. Yeah. Good. Kinda kinda, you know, got into the Yeah. See, we're time traveling here, so y'all will hear this before you hear the Monday episode that we recorded before we recorded this. And I think we were both feeling a little out of practice. One week off is all it takes. We

forget how all of this works. A week and a day, actually. And really a week of, like, a day and a half because, you know That's true too today. Yeah. And it really did take a while to ease into it. I'm just saying. Anyway Yeah. That's not we're here to talk about. This week, we're talking about imposter syndrome in power exchange relationships, but also in kink just in general. Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. This is your first time listening, glad to have

you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on Fet Life at loving BDSM PC. The PC stands for podcast, y'all. On that handle, I will forever motherfucking hate, both on threads and Instagram. That would be loving d s and the number 1. So it's at loving d s one.

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you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes. Okay. Before we get into the topic, back from our break. Mhmm. Trying to get back into the swing of things. We are once again sponsoring almost said we. Us. I'm just here to remind you the the kinkery thekinkery.com. Mhmm. It exists. It's a thing. We sell kinky fuckery, mostly impact, but also sensation. We're a little low on some stuff right

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And if we can make it hurt and it be impact, we will we will do what we can to to create it. And so, yeah, the kinkery is a thing. We are sponsoring we, thekinkery.com. Thank you to us for sponsoring us. Okay. Let's talk about imposter syndrome. So first off, let's define imposter syndrome. Now do you have for yourself kind of how you how you think of that term, of what that means to have impostor syndrome? Yeah. And that is? Yeah. You're making me bang the table too early in this episode.

I have achieved my goal early. Oh my god. No. I I think the way I, more recently or, you know, at this point, I think the way I, experience imposter syndrome is through my, making. Yeah. Your professional life. Mhmm. Your creative life. Yeah. And most people, when you hear imposter syndrome, we are thinking work related. Mhmm. And how does impostor syndrome make you feel? Horrible. You're trying to make me get blood from a turnip over here, aren't you?

Would you like me just to to tell the nice people what imposter syndrome means? You know, no. It it it does not feel good because when it when it kicks in, excuse me, full force, You know, it, it it can kinda hit it it, you know, self doubt. Mhmm. And, you know, at that point then you're you're questioning. Are there certain things you are specific things you are thinking to yourself when you are feeling impostor syndrome? Are there certain thoughts that are Oh, I'm such a hack.

Do you really think that, ma'am? You are not. Either way, you are not. By the way, thecakecurry.com, where he thinks it's not hack. Do you ever kind of have this in in any experience you've had with impostor syndrome, have do you ever have the I'm a fraud, I don't belong here, people are gonna figure out I'm actually no good? You know, I there there are times I I think the not so much that I'm a fraud, but, you know, the more of, you know,

do I really belong here? Is it, you know, am I am I a part of this? You know, am I as good as I think I am? Or, you you know What happened? I know I know how I feel, so this is a leading question. How when you're feeling impostor syndrome, when you're in that mode and you come across somebody who does something similar to what you do, What is that what does that feel like? What are you thinking then?

Oh. You know, there there are times I look at and and and this is why I I I try to stay away sometimes, seeing what other people have have done, You know, there and and the thing is and I have to understand this, you know, and and there are several people I follow who I believe do amazing work. And, you know, I look at them and I have to tell myself, you know, they have a huge amount of experience. Mhmm. Okay. This you know, one of these people that I that I know, they worked as a, carpenter.

You know, cabinetry. Cab cabinetry. Is that cabinetry? Yeah. That's Yeah. You know, so they know a good deal. Plus they have tools that Right, sure. You know, I I have Right. You're looking at your chapter 5, and they're on chapter 20. Yes. Right? You're level 5. They're, let's do the game. You're level 5, they're level 20. So, you admire what they do, but you understand that they are they're just been in the game long. And and I I you know, and that's what I have to tell myself.

You know, they've been at this a lot longer than I am. They have tools that are, you know, way above Sure. What I have and what I can do. So, you know, that is kinda what I have to keep telling myself. And that makes a good point that we'll get into as we talk about impost syndrome and kink is that just a reminder that comparison is the thief of joy.

Okay? Yeah. If you are or if you are looking at yourself in terms of professionally, your kink life, your kink role in identity, whatever, and you're looking at somebody else and comparing yourself, you're probably going to feel miserable anyway. Yeah. But, again, it's a, I've been doing this for 5 minutes, and they've been doing this for 5 years. There's gonna be a difference. Now, you know and and that is my

that is on my creative side. Mhmm. In in the DS, in the Power Exchange, I will tell you that early on Mhmm. When I first, entered the lifestyle, oh, the imposter syndrome was strong with me then. And we will get into that about how you have I don't think you deal with it now. No. Not not in that no. Which and I will I'll say that, yes, creatively and professionally, I have absolutely gone through, imposter syndrome, experienced it. I still experience it now creatively.

Not necessarily professionally, but when I do something creative that then I wanna, like, tell people I'm doing and that's when it kicks in. As a kinky person with being submissive, being in a power exchange, knock on wood, I have not experienced imposter syndrome, and I'm grateful for that. So I definitely want us to talk about your experience with it, but let's get through what the hell is impostor syndrome. So What

is it? First of all, I there if you Google impostor syndrome, it's like 10 I bet there's kajillion billion results because it is a very common experience. It's something that is talked about all over the place. It is not a diagnosable thing, but it is a common experience. I decided we would get the n I s nih.what?govwebsite, because I felt like that was official. And I learned that, 1, imposter syndrome as a term was coined in the seventies. I

did not know it was that old. It feels like a 21st century talking point, but really yeah. The idea of it's been around for a very long time. And it is defined as feelings of self doubt or inadequacy often experienced by otherwise high achieving adults. Let's see. It says in 2020, there was a review of 62 studies, and that showed the prevalence rates, of imposter syndrome as high as 56 to 82% in graduate students, college students, nurses, medical students, and other professions.

Symptoms can include psychological stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, exhaustion, avoidance of high level or demanding tasks, rigid thinking, and dismissal of positive feedback. Wow. Anybody who's cringing at that last one, please don't tell me there's something good about me. Mhmm. I know. I know. Moimie, I know.

One thing I want to make sure we talk about and sort of point out here when we talk about impostor syndrome because while it is true true That this is well, imposter syndrome is common and can occur across any age group, gender, profession, or racial demographic. Individuals from, can I say this word right? Minoritized I would have said marginalized, but minoritized groups may be more likely to experience it due to racism, social stigmas, and microaggressions.

So we can all experience it In some no matter who we are, but there will be a separate experience of this if you are a part of a marginalized community. And we can't for forget that. That's why there will be times, you know, somebody is experiencing imposter syndrome, and they are very wary of the group they're in, and it's not because of anything overt. It is absolutely what what people expect to happen based on past

experiences because shit does happen. Yeah. So, basically, yeah, that feeling like you don't belong, you're not good enough, you can't you know, you aren't who you say you are, even though deep deep down you clearly believe it. Like, the nice thing about kink is we we can change our minds at any point. Right? We can learn something new about ourselves and go, okay. I thought I was submissive, but maybe I'm more dominant. I thought I was just, you know, into this, but actually I switch

or, actually, I do this. Right? Mhmm. But you can know that about yourself. You can decide that, but you can also know deeply who you are and yet still feel the most common way to describe imposter syndrome is like a fraud. Like, you're faking it. Like, somebody's gonna figure out that you're not legit. Right? Like, you don't belong here, that kind of feeling.

And the feeling like you don't belong within a group, a community, in a role, I want to make clear that sometimes that is an internalized feeling because of imposter syndrome and other things, and sometimes it's because you just happen to be in a sea of assholes. And so you do have to kinda figure out, wait. Am I in a shitty group of people who are treating me poorly, and so, of course, I

feel this way. Mhmm. Or is this something that's maybe more within myself that I gotta work on, gain some confidence, and I'll move past this feeling at some point. Yeah. So that's I'm using that as a definition. It is LinkedIn places. If you would like to go read it for yourself, feel free. So okay. I want to talk about 2 sides as I see it of imposter syndrome in kink specifically. Okay? And that is

within the kink community, the Mhmm. You know, your experience in the kink community, and that can be online and that can be in person. It doesn't matter. It's where you are amongst other kinky people and feeling imposter syndrome. And then within your relationship as a submissive, as a dominant, as a whatever your identity and role and preferred things are in kink, within relationships or just how you feel internally about yourself, even when you're not out at the munch trying to play Marty

or at the dungeon? Because I think there's a Venn diagram where there's some overlap of you can experience and feel the same things regardless, and they can even come from the same place, but I do think they're kind of distinct in the way that having imposter syndrome in a community aspect can often be about bad tapes you've got from past experiences, your, you know, identity and how that's treated by groups of people. Right.

The shitty people around you. Whereas in your own identity, in your own relationships, sometimes it's a shitty partner who's allowing you and doing things that make you feel that way. Mhmm. Always the number one check is this imposter syndrome, or am I surrounded by dumbasses? Right? Like, you do the self check.

Yeah. But maybe you're in a loving relationship and that you're happy with your partner or things are good there, but internally, you don't feel like you are enough, that you're real, that whatever whatever.

I feel like while there is some crossover, those are 2 distinct experiences because a lot of imposter syndrome in group settings, if we take it back to professional and academic, sometimes it is about how either that current group or past experience, how we've been treated and then how we expect to be treated when we walk into that space versus this is a a thing I know about my identity, and I'm in this relationship, and I still feel like a fraud. Again, the Venn diagram of those two things

there is definite overlap. Right? But Mhmm. For some people, those can be 2 distinct things, so I just wanna, like, approach them as 2 distinct things Yeah. Knowing that there will be overlap. I don't need the comment or the email or the message that you it's both. I know. Okay? So let's start with community Mhmm.

Because, I mean, I have I have thoughts about how you might feel imposter syndrome within your community beyond, like, the microaggressions and being part of a marginalized community that's, you know, just never in the majority when you're in a room, kind of, like, there's that. But I think there are other things that contribute to feeling imposter syndrome in a community setting at a munch, at a play party, at the dungeon, at a workshop, online scrolling, kinky Twitter, whatever whatever. Yeah.

Do you have thoughts on that, on that kind of imposter syndrome? Kind of. Okay. This is sort of gonna make me get blood from a turnip again. Yeah. And you know the worth that just to see that look. And your thoughts are? I mean, like I said earlier, you know, especially early on when I I came into the into the community, into the lifestyle Mhmm. I was I was very excited.

You know, because I had found a group of people that liked the things that I like that I thought were, you know, kind of off the cuff at the time. And and that had me very excited. Now as I started immersing myself more into the community, I think that's when, for me, imposter syndrome started creeping in. The people I was exposed to at that time in the in the community coming in, a lot of them at that time had already been in the community Mhmm. A long time. Mhmm.

Long time. And, you know, they they were they they were teaching. You know, you know, I I was soaking this stuff up like a sponge and yet I'm looking at them and like oh my gosh. I I I can never be what they are. I can never do what they do. Mhmm. You know? And and I kept, that that always was niggling in the back of my mind. Mhmm. And and I think what eventually helped change that was when I realized that, hey, this this kink stuff, it's what I make of it. Mhmm. Okay? I don't have to do what

that person does. I don't have to, you know, be into what what that other person likes and this and that, you know, and and do it exactly the way they do it. I have to do it in a way that makes me happy and pleases my partner. And that's really what matters as far as that goes. Was there a specific thing that happened or was there an amount of time that went by when you finally got to that point? For I you know, it it's probably gonna be different for everybody. Absolutely.

For me, it was just a matter of time. You just had to be around it enough. Yeah. And I I think that that that makes complete sense. I have I have been in rooms where we're looked upon like that. It makes me deeply uncomfortable because I'm like, no. No. No. We are just weirdos with a microphone and an Internet connection. Right. Right. We overshare on the Internet. Like, that is that is all we are. Right? Right. Right.

So I've I've been on the receiving end of that, but I've certainly been in community spaces where I have seen what other people are achieving and are doing with their experience and knowledge. And I have had conversations with people who say something something similar of, like, I can't imagine getting to that point. I'm sure I'll never will. And it is, first of all, it's it is a time

thing. I agree completely. Yeah. Also, it's just kind of the more you're around people that you're seeing as somehow, you know, at a at a different level of life than you are. And in some ways, they are because of the experience. You know, I think the more you're around those people within your community, the easier it is to just kind of remember that they're also just weirdos, maybe not on the Internet, maybe at the front of the room. You know, they're just

people living their life. They're flawed. They're they're not doing everything perfectly. They're screwing up left, right, and center just like the rest of us. They're gonna make their own kink mistakes. They're gonna like, all of that. And I think that a little bit of that is is some almost exposure to it. The the longer you are around these

people that, you know, exposure to it. The the longer you are around these people that, you know, you kind of maybe put up on a bit of a pedestal or you think that you are somehow removed from them because you're at the beginning of the day, you're at the beginning of the day, you're at the beginning of the day. You're at the beginning of the day. You're at the beginning of the day. You're at the beginning of the day. You're at the beginning of the day. You're at the beginning

of the day. You're at the beginning think that you are somehow removed from them because you're at the beginning stages and they're not, just more interaction, the maybe some of that can can lessen a bit. You know? Yeah. I know for me, you know, I'm easily not intimidated. I just very uncomfortable meeting new

people and talking to people. But when I perceive somebody to do a thing better than I do, to have more experience, I I tend to be more reserved and and I'm sort of waiting to make a a fool of myself. The vast majority of people and I include ourselves in this because we have been in in spaces where people looked at us the way we look at at other long term kinksters, is to remember that everybody that you admire started out as someone who didn't know what the fuck they were doing.

Started out as clueless and lost as you are. None of us come out of the womb, you know, handling a flogger. Like, it just doesn't it doesn't work that way. And if, you know, you can keep that in mind, again, like you said, it's a time thing. But after a while Yeah. And of course, as you gain your own footing as a kinky person. Also, quite frankly, once you start seeing these highly venerated people, like, be very human and flawed and imperfect, that can sometimes help too.

You know, sometimes that happens in really bad ways where that venerated human being was trash. And sometimes it's just, you know, you watch somebody miss a swing in a scene on with a vlogger or, you know, you see somebody misspeak or you're like, how many times have y'all watched slash listen to me lose my complete and total train of thought? Please please don't treat me like I am somehow better than any fucking body. Yeah. But, you know, I think I think there

is something to that. You have your time that you put in and then you get to have enough experiences with people to realize, oh, no. They're Yeah. And and I think it's also a a mindset that you you have yourself. Alright? Because like I said too earlier, a good portion of that comes comes out of the fact that, you know, I'm I'm not doing this to gain approval of Right. This person. I I'm I'm not doing it because I want

to emulate that person. I'm doing it what works for me, what makes me happy, what makes my partner happy. Okay? And, you know, yeah, what they're doing is pretty cool, but, you know, what I'm doing is pretty cool too because I I do it, you know, for Yeah. And I agree completely. I think it goes back to in community spaces. Again, assuming that it is not the the members of the community who are the problem. Right?

Mhmm. If it's an internal, like, feeling you have without there being something that has occurred that would make sense to you, it feel that way. You know, I think oh, shit. I just lost my train of thought. Goddamn it. See? It happens. It happens every fucking time. I had I had a thought. It was right there. Holy shit. Where was I going with it? Yes. Because it's the thing I I try to remind myself of all the time. It is a reminder that comparison is the thief

of joy. Right? Like, if you walk into these kink spaces and you are more focused on what other people are doing and how they got there and less focused on what you are trying to achieve and what you are trying to experience, Sometimes it's imposter syndrome is all there is left. There's that feeling of, well, I'm not gonna ever do that, achieve that, be that. So maybe I don't belong here. And that is that's a mindset shift you've got

to work your way through. Now, sometimes working your way through those mindset shifts is called therapy. And I highly recommend it for anybody who has access to it. And sometimes it's a little bit of self talk or it's talking to friends and people who legitimately care about you and don't give a fuck what your skill level is. They just want you to be a happy, healthy human being. Right?

To be reminded that, 1, again, everybody you're admiring or trying to emulate or thinking you're somehow supposed to started where you started. Right? And maybe even worse and more awkward. Like, quite frankly, I am so grateful I got to figure out I was kinky in the time of the Internet. Right? Like, I know most of your journey started in the early days of the Internet, but those very early years when you were experimenting with kinky things but did not have access to information and community

really fucked you up. Yeah. I did. I did that. I am. Very fortunate now. Now the problem the other side of that coin is we also will compare ourselves and then be miserable. So Mhmm. It's a double edged sword. But, yeah, it it's a mindset shift. I think it's a time thing. But always, the first test is, am I feeling like an imposter? Or Yeah. Do these people just suck? Sometimes you need to you just need to remove yourself from Mhmm. From the space.

The other thing I think can and this is true of both just internal impostor syndrome within your power exchange and also just out in the kink community. One thing that comes to mind when I think of what can contribute to it is the one true wayism that's out there. Because some of us are gonna look at one true wayism and immediately fucking reject that bullshit. Get the fuck away from me. Hot damn. And some people are going to see that and go, oh, that is what kink is. That's what it's

supposed to be. To try to do that. Then when they try to do that and it doesn't fit, they don't blame the one true way ism. They think it's something wrong with them, that they are somehow not kinky enough doing something wrong. Mhmm. You know, don't know how to do this, don't belong. And it's it's not that at all. It is that they are trying to follow a path that is not right for them. Yeah. And that is again, that's part of the the crossing over Venn diagram that's gonna

hit people regardless of the situation. Mhmm. But if you happen to be part of a community, especially in online spaces, I think this is more prevalent in online spaces, because it's so easy to hear the opinions of total strangers that you never fucking asked for. Thanks, algorithm. Right?

When you're new and you're figuring yourself out and you don't quite know what this kink thing is and you come across somebody who has you know, they're charismatic, and they've they've got a lot to say, and they seem to have a lot of followers, and they get a lot you know, they get all this attention. So you think, well, they must know kind of what they're talking about. And they tell you that kink is this one specific thing.

It makes sense to me that some people I'm this type of person in in other realms. I don't know how I escaped it in kink. Mhmm. In other parts of my life, I would go, okay. That's how you do it. Yeah. Then I would go try to do it. And if it didn't fit, of course, my first thought would be I'm wrong, not that this way is wrong for me. And we spend a lot of time trying to help people see that no.

No. No. You can actually make this kink thing anything you want it be as long as you got communication and consent with your partners. Have at it. But I think I think that absolutely contributes to impostor syndrome. Yeah. You know, what and and I'll I'll tell you this and and sitting here listening to you and, you know, I've been kind of going off my own tangent a little bit here too.

You know, and I and I will preface this by saying, you know, some of what I'm about to to to talk about, happened and was because of the way I was raised. Sure. Okay. There was also a a point in there early on that I had this this crazy notion that, you know, all all these people that I looked up to that I I, you know, met when I came into the community and was learning from. So I'm thinking to myself, oh my gosh. They're they're looking at me and and they're they're thinking, you know,

I I can't do anything. I don't know shit and I'm, you know, not and, you know, that that sat on me for a while. And and then it came then I came to a realization, they don't care about me. People are thinking about themselves. They they don't care. All they really care about is that I'm doing it safely. I I'm getting consent and I'm not, you know, not hurting anyone. And quite frankly, most of the time, people are in their own fucking bubble and aren't thinking about you

at all. Right. You know, but you you know, you you there there it was, you know, and and it took me a while to get out of that. Now, you know, now I'm reporting a very few fucks to give it, you know, at this point in my life, but This is not a universal truth, but it does seem to be very common that some of that, for some people, is a feeling you get when you're younger. And as you get older and you start to shed your fucks, Yeah.

Because you start realizing you're not thinking about anybody, so of course they're not thinking about you. But I clearly remember times in my life, in my teens twenties, primarily, when I was very conscious of what I thought people were thinking about me. And it was I was in my mid thirties before I finally got to the realization they were not thinking of me at all. Quite frankly, the sooner you can get to that point in life, the better. Yeah.

Because, you know, having no fucks to give doesn't mean you you lack empathy anybody? Am I bothering anybody anybody? Am I bothering anybody? Mhmm. Are my choices negatively impacting anybody around me? No. Then it doesn't fucking matter. And, yeah, the sooner the sooner we can get to that, quite frankly, I think most of us are just happier. Because there's a weight that's lifted. There's a perceived pressure Yeah. Oh, yeah. That lifts from you when

you just realize it doesn't fucking matter. And I think that is another experience that's very common in the community. Because in the community, in person, it's more physical. You can physically be around the people, and you have this sense that maybe somebody they're watching you. Right? Online, it's more about how am I presenting myself? What am I posting? What am I saying? Am I getting the right angle for

my picture? Blah blah blah. You know? And that's a different kind of perception, but it's no less real where you think and and the Internet does make it easier to really feel like people are paying attention because we're asking for it. You know, are we getting likes on that picture we posted? Are we getting comments? Are those comments positive or not? Mhmm. And, you know, I I a few years ago, it's why I sort of stopped just posting personal stuff. Like, I do it for loving BDSM and I do

it for the kangry. And in our discords, where we all talk personally, but I don't just, like, tweet anything, exit, post it, whatever the fuck it's called. Like, I don't really do that much because I got to the point where I understood intellectually that people were not paying that much attention to me, but also I didn't want to invite that much fucking attention. Like, I didn't want a rando from the Internet to dissect my opinion

that I just happened to share. So I went, you're just gonna stop fucking sharing it. And, no. Thank you. I'm not saying that's the right way. I'm just saying that's that's how I've gotten around it. I I don't know why I find it easier to post the things I think that I genuinely think as fucking loving d s and the number goddamn one, than I do as Kayla Lords, but there it is. So yeah. All and a lot of what we've said about community is going to apply to within your relationship.

Like I said, there's overlap. But let's talk about when you feel like an imposter in your kink role. Now whether you are in a power exchange relationship with somebody or you're just trying to navigate your kink life as a sub, as a dom, as a switch, as a whatever, and that kind of imposter syndrome. 1, it absolutely happens. And 2, first, always just make sure you're not surrounded by shitty people who are making you feel bad about yourself.

You know, if you are in a relationship and you are walking around thinking, I'm not I'm not a real sub. I'm not a good sub. Double check that those aren't words that have come from a partner's mouth. And if you've got a partner who is telling you that, I'm begging you to kick that motherfucker to the curb because no no no. No no no. There's no such thing as, quote, real sub, real dom. No. Real switch. Like, what the fuck does really mean? That's one true

wayism thinking. Right? Like, there that there's a specific way to That's fitting everybody into a mold. Right. And that is absolutely gonna make you feel like an impostor. Mhmm. Now I like I said before, I am very grateful. I've never really experienced that feeling in the broad sense as a submissive that I'm a bat I'm not I'm not

really submissive. I'm not really I have had moments where I have thought that maybe I wasn't as good of a submissive as I could be, but that was more my perfectionism, which absolutely can lead to impostor syndrome. If you're a perfectionist and you think there's you're supposed to do things exactly specifically perfect and no mistakes and whatever, yes, that can lead to imposter syndrome. But for me, that's been a very fleeting thing.

That's a very much a, I know what we used to do, and I know that we're not doing those things anymore. And, you know, I'll have a momentary, am I less submissive because of that? No. I think it's really because we we talk about this every single week. We we force ourselves to, like, live in this headspace to analyze every aspect of our power exchange. I can very quickly turn that thought into, no. I know what the hell life has done to us, and this is what we're capable of.

And do I feel my submissive self at least every so often? Yes. Can I point to things that I go, that is what I do as a submissive, and I'm proud to do that? As a submissive, okay. You know, there's my proof. I have that luxury because of what we do. I think if you are a person who gets stuck in that kind of sick that kind of thinking and you can't get out of that thought pattern, you know, it's gonna be a little bit

harder. But, I mean, you could just start a podcast and speak on Power Exchange every week for an hour or more, and you too will probably get through some of those thought processes a little faster. Mhmm. Yeah. If you'd like to to go that route. I I do think that minus it being a shitty partner, if you were experiencing imposter syndrome within your identity and role just in your relationship or, like, just by your damn self.

If you're moving through life going, I'm not really submissive because I'm not really dominant because I'm gonna blame most of that. Most of that is gonna be on comparison. Yeah. Like, you don't have to interact with a a kink community to compare yourself to others. No. It it you know, comparing yourself to others is a a sure way to, you know Be miserable? Yeah. Yeah. You know, I've gotten to the point that, you know, when I see when I see things anymore, it's like, you know,

oh my gosh. They are so much better than than than me. They you know? Now it's like I I look at it as as a learning opportunity. Mhmm. You know? Can I can I learn from this? Can I learn to do what they're what they're doing? Do I have that capability? And it's like, if I do, I do. If I don't Right. It's okay. It's not, you know, it's not meant for me. I can't be good at everything. Right. Man, that that's a hard lesson to have to learn when you want to do lots of things Yeah. That you can't be

good at all the things. Exactly. I tend to follow the dopamine. So if it really excites me and interests me, it's got my attention. Yeah. And I'm gonna go through, like, a real quick, like, mental process of could I conceivably do that? And do I want to? Yeah. But I think that I think that's really where I've been able to thankfully, I am very fortunate, skip imposter syndrome as a submissive because I'm not trying to be like any other submissive

out there. I'm not I don't I see what other people do, and I go, that's really cool for them. And then You don't leave the house. You're never around any other submission. I see people online. No. I'm I'm very much an online I know. Person. I know. You know, I I I know that part of it is I have the luxury to be very very comfortable as your submissive.

Mhmm. You know, I know that who I am and the way I behave, 99% of the time, is ex it makes you happy and you're happy with it and I'm happy with it and we just get to kinda be ourselves. And when our power exchange decreases, when our fuckery decreases, I do not blame myself for that. That's I don't see that as a a shortcoming of my own. Right? Mhmm. Again, I think it's because we spend an hour plus every week talking about it. Right?

Like, we just when it's top of mind like that, it's it's different. But I know that there are absolutely people who want to be a certain you know, to do, let's say, submission in a specific kind of way, and they can't either because they don't have a partner who wants that Yeah. That Yeah. Or they have, you know, physical disabilities, chronic illnesses, mental illnesses, something that prevents them from doing the thing they

wanna do. Like, it you can want it all day long, but if the body and mind won't let you, it just won't let you. Right? Yeah. And I am not smart enough to tell anybody how to just get over that. I think Yeah. I've I'm I'm I'm not qualified. I would say that, one, that feeling is, like, it's valid. It sucks that that somebody would feel that way. I don't want anybody

to feel that way. I want I want people to kind of feel like what they are able to do is enough, but I also respect the fact that somebody would feel that way. That you wanna do more than you are physically capable of. And for whatever reason, from whatever has gone on in your life and your world prior Mhmm. You are internalizing that as some some kind of shortcoming that you are somehow not quote really whatever your kink identity is.

Now, Master Rothbart brought up something interesting that, mental health can impact Well, absolutely. It was in the definition. I mean, both the effects of imposter syndrome will fuck up your mental health Yeah. And you will have very real repercussions of it, but also absolutely anxiety alone just as one mental illness. One of the things that and and and that struck with me be because I it made me think about, you know, when I was at my my lowest with depression. Yep.

And and that just fucks with everything. Absolutely. You know? And, you know, I'm I'm glad I went through the therapy, and I did the things I I did and am doing Mhmm. You know, to to to work on that, and and now there are times when when certain things kick on in my brain, I ask myself, okay, where is this coming from? What That's such a good tool to have. Yeah. Is what is causing it? Is this my depression? Mhmm. You know, is is my depression rearing its ugly head and and bringing these

thoughts in? Am I comparing myself to somebody? You know? And and I and I have to ask those questions in my head, and and that helps me get through it at this point now. And that's if there's any advice to give somebody, that is it. Those are the questions to ask yourself. Do I feel this way because there's a shitty human being sitting across from me making me feel, like telling me things about myself that make me feel this way? Okay, no, we can rule that out. I

got a great partner, That's not it. Am I comparing myself? Who am I around online or in person? What resources am I consuming? What content am I consuming? Is that affecting me? Is it depression? Is it anxiety? Is it oh, god. And I I'm not diagnosed with anything, but I'm learning things and I'm taking things on.

For anybody who happens whether it's mental illness or it's neurodivergency, if you have ever had that experience where you are mentally berating yourself for being, quote, lazy because you physically, literally cannot make yourself do the thing you need to do, that's called executive dysfunction.

And if that if you were having that kind of self talk and you were having those feelings and it is impacting how you move through your role like, as a submissive, if executive dysfunction fucked me up and made it so I couldn't do any of my tasks, I know what my mental self talk would be because I'm I'm constantly working to overcome it, that I am not lazy. I am not a bad person. I am not a bad submissive.

But if, you know, that is another way that that self talk can creep in and that self doubt and that belief about yourself can creep in when it's not truly imposter syndrome. It's the things we tell ourselves when another some part of our brain's just not braining the way we need it. Right? And so that's another thing, you know, as the self check. Wait. Am I in the middle of fucking executive dysfunction? Have I like, do I even feel capable of showering, let alone dominating my partner, let alone

submitting to my partner? Right? Like, what else am I not capable of doing right now? That's not about my kink identity. It's about being a human residing with this brain. Right? Like, those are the things I think that if we can disrupt the circular thought patterns of, I'm no good. I'm a fraud. I'm not a real pick your role. I, you know, I suck at this. And if you can find a way to interrupt that and that

let me go back to it. If you have access, that might mean, you know, get thee to a therapist so that you can learn those skills from somebody who knows what the fuck they're doing. Mhmm. You know, those are that's part of the check-in, you know? Top, am I surrounded by assholes? No? Okay. Am I is my assholes? No? Okay. Am I is my physical illness or disability fucking with me? Is my mental illness or disability fucking with me? Is it neurodivergent?

Is it like, what are the thing you know, it's because my I know there's gonna be exceptions to this, but in general, it's almost when when something is preventing us or slowing us down from doing the thing we wanna be doing, or living our best life, or being the person we feel like we are meant to be, and fully expressing that in the way we want. And, you know, kink absolutely falls within this because there are many ways I would love to submit that I just fucking can't. Right?

Typically, it's never just one singular thing that is the reason for it. Right? Mhmm. And when talking about impostor syndrome, it's not because you're a fraud. It's not because you're not, quote, a real whatever. It is actually probably about 80,000,000 things going on. Where are your finances at? Are you worried about money? That'll fuck you up. Oh, yeah. How's your health? Like we just talked about. That'll fuck you up. Yep. Are you parenting or caregiving on either side of the generations?

Older or younger? That'll fuck you up. Do you hate your goddamn boss? And you got all these other like, it it's all intertwined. And then you go into, okay. Well, who am I surrounding myself with? What what content am I consuming? What are the voices the outside voices that get to be in my head because I take that information in? Yeah. And it's almost never that I am bad at this. It is almost always there, I am holding myself to a standard that I would never hold anybody else to.

Mhmm. And as a human being with Yeah. Just 2024 being what it is, I might not be able to do it at this time. And that and that's something that, you know, is is very true, what you just said. You know, we can be our own worst critics. Mhmm. Okay? And and, you know, that that's yeah. We we can do sometimes we can do a better job of beating yourself down than anybody else can. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And, again, that's a hard thing to disrupt. You know?

I, in the moment, can almost never disrupt my mean girl voice. It's usually it might be a few minutes later. It might be a day later. It might be however long later that I go, oh god. That was that was a bitch to myself.

That I know that's not true. Now what over time, and this is one of those inch by inch things, if you can have the realization that the things you were thinking were not actually true and you were just maybe mean girling yourself, right, If at any point after that occurs, you can have the realization that, wait, that none of that's true. I know that's not true. This is this is what happened. Right? If you can do it once, you can

usually do it again. And over time, and then sometimes we're talking years, y'all, you'll you can get there a little bit quicker. You can realize what's happening a little bit quicker. It's a skill like anything else. Again, you you might need a therapist to help you through that. You might need medication to, like, help the brain chemistry. You might need outside help. It's not necessarily a thing you could just

do for yourself. But if you can get to that point slowly over time, you can come to those realizations a little bit faster. Not every time when my anxiety is through the damn roof and I'm having brain days and I just can't even think straight, no. I'm not I'm not clear headed enough to realize that I'm being mean to myself. I have to come out of whatever that is, whatever is causing that for however long it runs its course, and then I can look back and go, ah, I know what

that is. I know I know what was going on there. But, you know, that is all part and parcel of it. I think some people, not hopefully, not a lot, certainly not all, but some people are gonna go, I feel like I'm an imposter, imposter, and do the self check and realize that they have shitty people around them. And you know what? A lot of your problems will be improved by getting rid of those shitty people. After that though, it is unlearning the ways we've thought about ourselves. Those damn

bad tapes. We've talked about ourselves, you know, dealing with, in whatever way that means for you, the things that have happened to you, coping with finding the right community. And I don't necessarily mean the right munch. Yes. That can be it. Mhmm. But sometimes it's who are the people I wanna call friends? Who are the people that I want to follow? Who are the people that I want their voices in my head

over and above somebody else's? Right? Like, sometimes you gotta sort of do that self discovery. And it means blocking people. It means unfollowing. It means unfriending. It me it means not going to that group. Maybe you'll try another one at at another point. Right? Sometimes it it means making those kinds of shifts and then over time, it's all an overtime thing y'all.

The voice in your head becomes a little bit kinder because the voices outside of you are a little bit kinder and more empathetic and more understanding. Right? Another for the in your head kind of thing, especially if you're if you're telling yourself you're a fraud and you're not, air quote, real. What the fuck does real even mean? You know? You're not a good submissive. You're not a good dominant. A real all those words. Right?

And this is another one that takes time to, like, with practice to remember to do. But I sometimes like to, when I'm being a little mean to myself, go, would I talk to somebody I care about like this? And sometimes that's enough of a disruption to go, oh, shit. I this is I'm not being very nice to myself right now. Yeah. Again, it doesn't mean I automatically disbelieve the mean things about me, but it does give me a bit of a reality

check. And if you are thinking things about yourself you would never say to somebody that you even care for just as a fellow human being, you know, maybe the things you're thinking aren't true. Maybe there's something else going on. In the vein x, I was thinking about this earlier, and I was like, no. I

think this is really important. If you were trying to change your internal thoughts about yourself by being careful of who you follow and the content that's coming through you, you you know, through your phone and the algorithms and everything. I've had people do this, They've always been very apologetic, but I want to put it out here because it's I understand it. I know you understand it. I've had people who I mean, they were

so sweet about it. They're like, I can't listen to the podcast or watch the livestream or because I just went through this break breakup, and I gotta deal with it. And it's really hard to hear about power exchange right now. It's really hard to see happy couples. My feelings are never gonna be hurt. Yeah. Curate the content and the information that you take in to suit your needs right now. You have to. You have to. You have to.

You have to. Sometimes that means you're gonna lean into the fuckery more than the relationship. Sometimes it means you're gonna walk away from a person out in the world. And maybe you'll come across Kingstuf, but probably not. Right? And you're just gonna take a step back if that's what you need to do.

When you start looking at the people you surround yourself with, the communities you're inhabiting, the content you're taking in, the people you follow, the all of that, it absolutely needs to be curated so that you are not miserable every time you Right. Are in that space online or in person. Mhmm. And sometimes that means there are people that you like that you go, I'm not in this season of life right now. Please take care of yourself. Absolutely.

I will my feelings will never be hurt if that when that happens. Because I know that most most, not all, most kinky people, when it's a part of their, like, core identity, they're coming back eventually. Maybe not to us. Right. They're gonna find their way back eventually. They'll have gone through what they need to go through. They'll Yeah. They'll take care of themselves in other ways. They'll meet a person.

They'll whatever whatever, and they'll find themselves back and hopefully be in a better head space to have a better, more fulfilling kink experience, whatever that looks like for them. But, yeah, there's so much that can contribute to that feeling of being and not belonging, not being good enough, not just not being enough in general. And in in kink identities and roles, not being real, not being good. Heavy air quotes there. Not being real, not being good.

And, you know, Get rid of the things that contribute. To you know, as much as you can to that that negative self talk. Mhmm. And and and sometimes that means creating your own kink space and and curating it where it's specific types of people and specific types of content and, you know, all of that. Yep. So and I just wanna remind you, every time you start wondering if you were not good enough or you're a fraud or you don't belong, just just do that double check on

the assholes thing. Just I cannot emphasize that. Ask yourself where that those thoughts are coming from. Mhmm. Exactly. Yeah. I don't I don't have any, like, words of wisdom and checklists to, like, just make it go away for you. It's Yeah. I wish it was that easy. It'd be nice. And quite frankly, sometimes it's just time. You just need time like, we were talking about at the very top.

You need time and experience with yourself in your kink role and your kink identity and to kinda get your own bearings and figure out what is meaningful and important to you. And then a lot that can become a lot easier. Yep. So There you go. I'm sure there's more to say. Oh, yeah. It always could be. I am positive that mental health professionals who are also kinky and happen to listen to slash watch this would probably have, like, much more, like, concrete,

here's what you can do. And if you have that information, please feel free to share. Happy to take that information in. One day regurgitate it. But, yeah, that that is all I can think to say about that. Pretty much same. Yeah. Just, you know, if you're feeling that way, you're not alone. No. And you're not doing kink wrong if you feel that way. But you have more options than you realize. Yes. Yes. Indeed. Okay. So, are we good? I don't know, but we will do it. But I'm gonna say

Yes. We will. Mhmm. Ready? Sure. Keep it kinky off. And we'll see you next week. No, really. For real, we're back. Daddy. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets? Yes. And can I please, please point out that so while we're doing the live stream, we're looking at YouTube, we get a dashboard? And there's always a little bit of a delay, so it's never exactly accurate at the exact time. Yeah. But the current count it's giving is 69. Woo hoo. Right? And I'm just like, well, okay.

Thank you, YouTube. Right? They I don't wanna encourage or discourage, you know, folks to to leave or to not join Yeah. Just to screw that number up. But I am enjoying the number 69 as I'm saying it. It's it's, it's delightful. It's delightful. So, yeah. A bonus section. Mhmm. We're back. Yeah. I really think that if we had felt like we could've, we couldn't. But if we felt like we could've, we would probably still be on a break.

Yeah. But I think we also had some really good and it's not the work that's burning us out. It's other stuff Right. That makes the work very necessary. And so we're working on other things Right. To to not feel quite so drained. One of the one of the things that that we did this this break and, especially myself, did nothing really and honestly did nothing. I did not do anything work related the entire week. You know, obviously, doing dishes and, you know,

eating Right. You know, things like that. You know, cooking, we we did that. But, you know, initially, when talking about the break, I was like, oh, well, you know, I can do some of the ketchup on some of the things around the house that need attending to, and, you know what you know what I did? Nothing. Nothing. I I was like, you know what, it will it will all be there later. Nothing is is critical. It's not gonna cause the house to come crashing down my heads. And,

yeah. Yeah. I sat on the sofa. By Friday, you started doing for you, like, beneficial things for yourself personally, like Yeah. Shaved his beard. Right? Like, the little things like that that are important. Trim my beard. Sorry. Trim. No. Did not shave. That that would be immediate banishment to the shed until it grew back. I'm so sorry. You're gonna have to wear a mask now until that thing grows back. Something. Anyway, she said submissively.

But I it took me a while to, like, lean into the just sit still for a little bit. Like, not that I was doing a lot, but mostly I was feeling bad bad about not doing a lot until I wasn't feeling bad about that anymore. Mhmm. So that by Friday, when he starts, like, puttering around the house and, like, you know, taking care of his own personal grooming, I'm like, what the hell are you doing? That's too much movement. Yeah. I feel like I was personally offended.

Over the break, did not even do yard work. You you start like, right before we went on break, you did yard work. Yeah. Yeah? Mhmm. And then yeah. You we didn't do yard work, and then we had a hurricane. We didn't really. We got some out of hand stuff. We were fine. And that was what? As we knew the hurricane was coming, we were prepping for it. I don't know. But he looked over at me and went, oh, by the way, we're not doing yard work this weekend. I went,

okay. Good. Because I wasn't really feeling it. I but, see, it's one of those things. So sometimes there are weeks we'll take breaks, and by the end of that break, I have ideas. I am chomping at the bit. I'm like, let's sit down. Let's get some work done. This was not one of those times. Yeah. No. No. This is not one of those times. So, thanks to a hurricane, we took Monday off. Now we work from home, never lost power. No. Never lost Internet. Nope. Absolutely could have done things. Went Yeah.

Oh, it's a hurricane day. Mhmm. Yep. Can't work now. And then Tuesday for you was cleanup day, which did need to happen. Yeah. And I eased into work. And then today, I got a lot done. But you had a doctor's appointment at 8 AM. Right. Yeah. You've been easing into this week, and I think that's good. I want you to do that where you can. Mhmm. Am I envious that I can't do it more often? Of course, I am. But, yeah, you had a you had a impromptu doctor's appointment.

We Yeah. We did the online messaging with the doctor's office of here are preferred days, here are preferred times. That that was Monday evening. Mhmm. And by Tuesday, they're calling you going, we can get you in at 8 AM tomorrow. Right. I was like, damn. Yep. And so we went. Yep. There we were. Because somebody has a noodly back, and he just needs, like, a steel spine to keep him upright at this point. Something. Something. Nexoskeleton, whether Something. Iron Man suit. There you go.

So So we don't have any we don't have any news or information, but it's not as lower back like it had been. It is now we're in the thoracic. We've moved up. Yeah. We've been up in the world. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But I didn't realize it because I so we we don't do things like, air quote, normal people would do. I don't know what air quote normal even means, but you know. And here's how I know that. I had forgotten about this. I'd forgotten the

dates. I hadn't forgotten the instance. So we're you're at the doctor today, and you're explaining your back history for that part of your back. Yeah. And he said, well, in 2012, I had a epidural, cordless, whatever the shot is that makes the pain go away. And I was immediately reminded that, oh, yeah. I know about that. Yeah. Because I was You were there. Must have been 2013 then. Because 2012, we met in December of 2012. That's true. So it was 20 13. Either way, it's over 10 years ago.

Because one of the first things we did physically together after the first time we met and we had a week long fuckery. Like, the very next time we saw one another, I think, I was taking him to the orthopedic doctor for his Yeah. And and bringing me date. And and bringing me back home because I wasn't a little surprised. For that. This No. Nope. There wasn't. Oh, is there? There was not. And and I know I have no memory of thinking this is a strange thing to do as a new couple. It wasn't. We

just it's what he needed. I could get there. We did the thing. But when I look back on it now, I'm like, I don't think that's what most people do on their second dates. Yeah. No. No. No. Oh, god. So yeah. You know, Kayla's right. My back is, my entire spine is a hot mess. Mhmm. Different part of it is acting up right now, and, yeah, I'm gonna do what I need to do to take care of it. And then because it's the American health care system, we

have to jump through hoops. So what he really needs is an MRI to see what the hell is happening because he already has a history of back problems. But as the doctor pointed out today, and she's right, and I know she's right, we've experienced this. She's like, okay, look. First, I have to tell you to do ice and heat, and, we're gonna suggest physical therapy. And JB points out, hey. I've had physical therapy for this part of my back. Mhmm. I always have to

stop because it aggravates my lower back. She goes, okay. But what we have to do is say that we tried. Yeah. Get it on record that you went until you could not go anymore, and then insurance will let us do an MRI on you. And I'm like, are you Right. Fucking kidding me. Gotta jump through the hoops. Yeah. Jump through the hoops. Yeah. So yeah. Yep. So, yeah, starting the, the the the icing and the And the steroid. And, tomorrow starts steroid pack And,

we'll see what that does. And just take it fucking easy because the thing we cannot afford for him to do at this time of the year is to not be able to stand up. Right. So Yeah. Yeah. So But thankfully, you didn't let that go too long before you were like, hey. No. No. No. To our release. You you know, it's it's not at a point that it's painful yet. Yet. Yet. It's coming. The the pain on this upper part is as bad, if not worse, than

the lower pain. Mhmm. And when it started coming on, I was like, okay. You know, what's going on here at first? You know? And then, oh, yeah. That yeah. Yeah. I remember that. Yeah. I remember that now. It's been a while. It's been a hot minute. It's been over 10 years. Yeah. And, you know, I I started doing some things, anti inflammatory and like, okay, that's kinda helping Mhmm. Ease it down. But, yeah, it's not it's not pain. The best way I could explain it Oh,

yeah. I got used as the model to show where all his pain and sensations were. Right. Let me point to my wife's back here so you could see Well, you know, it's just kinda Okay. I thought I was there for moral support. Well, that too. Now, I was the model. Yeah. So Anyway, you know, yeah. What the best way I can describe it, imagine if somebody walks up behind you and puts their arms around you and squeezes your chest Tightly. Tightly, in a tight hug that just doesn't go away. And that you

didn't consent to. Yeah. Right. You don't want that hug. Make that hug stop. Right. Yeah. I know it's bad when you're warning me, you're like, I'm taking all of my back meds tonight. Because he's on an as needed basis with any of his his medication from his lower back. And so he has it, but he doesn't usually have to take it very often. And he's like, no. No. I I will not be coherent. I'm taking all my meds tonight. Yeah. Yeah. Last last night was Yeah.

So we're just, we're gonna play the game that we are required to play. Yeah. Hopefully, that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. No. But it is what it is. And, yeah, just fingers crossed now. JB's going through this. JB knows what that feeling in that part of his back means and where this is headed. And also cleaned up the yard from the storm that we did get, like, the wind knocked tree limbs down, whatever. Cleaned that all up by himself. And then, my aunt and uncle went out of

town for a few days. They ordered had to order a new printer, and it's like a almost almost a commercial grade printer. So it's big and it's heavy, and they were afraid it was going to arrive while they were out of town. So they asked if they could send it to our house. And we're like, of course, you can. Mhmm. That's fine. So they send it to our house, and of course, it arrives after they get home because that's Mhmm. How life works sometimes.

It's a big heavy box that JB, with the back, brings in by himself. Thankfully, he was like, no. No. You can help me take it to the car and take it to your aunt and uncle's house. I was like, woah. To to get it in the house because of where they left it, I mean, they left it right at the front door. Mhmm. K? So I just used the handle to lift it up over the the stoop and then I But I still wanna help. Didn't lift. I still wanna help. Yeah.

You helped where it was important. You helped get it to the car and you helped get it out of the car and into their house. Anyway, he's done a lot of different things. Yeah. On his own. It's all I'm saying. Because somebody's a stubborn and grumpy polar bear. That's right. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. And if I have to break out the tough love clause, I will. I am not afraid of that type of thing. I I monitored my situation. I I told you I need to go to the doctor. I did not, you know.

Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know Are you gonna be when it's time to mow the lawn, are you gonna do it all by yourself without any of my help? Lola said she would do it for me. Lola. Lola who is eyes closed shut tight, but that listening ear is up. Mhmm. Mhmm. Lola's been good. Yeah. Lola's been great. The girls the other girls, the cats are still menaces. Oh, man. Oh my god. Oh, so I forget where I tell stories, and I told this story last night. And I thought it was to y'all. It couldn't have

been. It was to my aunt and uncle. Okay. Yeah. So Onyx This is hilarious. Onyx and Ella have had, a relationship that evolves a little bit more every year. 1st got them across the house from one another the next year they could be like in the same room. The next year, they could be on adjacent pieces of furniture near one another.

This year, they've gotten to a point where they can be on the back of the same couch together, and very slowly over time, over this past 6 months, they've gotten physically closer and closer to one another on the back of this couch. Mhmm. And it's wonderful to see because Ella is the type of cat she definitely wants somebody she can cuddle up with Yeah. And that she can, like, groom. And none of these other bitches will let her do that. They're like, get the

fuck away from me. So we are sitting on our couch the other night, and we see Onyx is up on her little perch on the other, like, the loveseat. And Ella jumps up and gets close and Onyx doesn't blink, doesn't get up, doesn't hiss, just sits there calmly, like not worried at all. And we watch Ella look like she's gonna boop her She she was cleaning her. Well, that's what it looked like. We and it looked like she was cleaning her, but we started out, she kinda, like, nudged her with her nose.

Mhmm. Onyx didn't react. It looked from our vantage point, like, Ella started to clean her. Clean her butt, like, back in, not her head. And we're like, oh my god. This is and Onyx is allowing it. Onyx is just sitting there coming. We're like, oh my god. Is it happening? It's it's happening. It's happening, people. And then we watch. Ella clearly had an intrusive thought hit. Right. She leaned forward and not hard, not enough to hurt, but bit Onyx in the ass, like, right on that back haunch.

And even Onyx didn't know what to do. There was no hissing. There was no fighting. But Onyx jumped up, just total shock, Turned around, looked at Ella. You could almost see Ella going, I don't know what the fuck just happened there either. I just had an urge and I went with it. And Onyx just like, Onyx's eyes were huge, and her pupils were, like, almost fully dilated. She's like, what the actual fuck is happening here? And then they parted ways.

And I have not seen them that physically close together since. But, it still feels like progress. I mean, messy progress. Nice progress. But, you know, I I think I I think that for Ella, I think biting Is her love language. Is her love language. Well, and cleaning your feet, not not human feet. Dog Dog feet. She loves her, so you're like,

corn chips smelling Frito chips smelling feet. I I have had, on a number of occasions, Ella will come up, and she'll get in my lap, and she'll, you know, kinda go down. And she'll start, like, licking me somewhere on my hand, and she'll just, like and and then all of a sudden, she'll just she'll just kind of bite. We need to ask cat daddy what's happening. And it's not a hard bite. No. I'm not trying to hurt. Just, you know, just like, trying to hurt. Just, you

know, just like, boop, I'm here Right. Kinda thing. You know? So Yeah. But I wish we had recorded that. Mhmm. Because that I mean, my favorite was just Onyx's reaction because you would have expected Onyx to turn around and beat her fucking ass because Onyx, to this day, still will. Oh, yeah. If Onyx feels like Ella has come into our bedroom, which Onyx has claimed as her space, and she is in the on the wrong piece of furniture, she is on the bed when she's not supposed to be. She's too

close to Onyx in the bed. Onyx will whoop her like she's like, get the fuck out of here, bitch. Yeah. This that's not what happened. I just think everybody was in shock. I think none of us knew what the hell to do. Yeah. But it was hilarious. Well, I mean, it's funny with you know, because, like, with Onyx, she, at at night before go to bed, got in a habit where, you know, her and I will pet

and brush. Mhmm. And this occurs in the bedroom because, you know, getting ready to bring in stuff in the bedroom, and she she come running in there, man, full tilt and just flies up on that bed because she knows what's gonna happen. And if Ella comes into the bedroom at that point in time while it's occurring No. No. She will jump off of that bed, and she will go after Ella and run her off out of the room because, no, you do not belong. This

is my time. This is my space, and you are not gonna be here for it. One of my favorite things that Onyx has been doing for a while, like, probably the past couple years, but she's gotten more insistent about it, is when you're petting her, if you stop and she's not ready for you to stop, she will use her paw. And she did not in the beginning, she did not do

that. No. It was almost like when we first adopted her and brought her home, probably the first one to 2 years, I don't think she quite knew how to feel about being petted. Like, she knew she liked it, but I think she didn't like that she liked it. Yeah. So if you stopped, she was done. She was often done before you were done. Mhmm. Over the past, I don't know, easily the past year, maybe a little longer, she very much has an opinion about how much you

should be petting her. And quite frankly, the answer is always that's not enough. Right. And she just scoops her little paw and moves your hand. Like, I know this is what that's for. Or or with me sometimes, she'll she'll tap. Oh, will she? Oh my gosh. And and the the funny thing is, she never puts her claws out doing that. No. No. She doesn't. She's very gentle. Mhmm. She does not allow us to clip her claws, so they're naturally kinda sharp. So they'll get you, but it's not

an aggressive get you. It's a I just have long nails and they just scratched you kinda get you. So, yeah, our girls are funny. Yeah. Girls are funny. Kids are good. The, 19 year old was very gracious in us being 2 weeks late getting his birthday present to him. He's very happy about it. He got a mini fridge. Yep. That was another thing JB was carrying. You are. I'm just saying. And, the kid who used to be, he'd say, hey. Can you come to town and so I can go grocery shopping?

I go, yeah. Sure. And he would spend 30 to $40 at a time. That was also when he was eating out of vending machines on campus, and he was stopping at the little cafes on campus. He knows better. He doesn't do that anymore. And so now his grocery bill has doubled. Like and I watch I don't say truly, I don't say a word because it is the thing I can contribute to this child's college education. And he's, you know, he's not taking out

student loans. His financial aid Right. For at least this next school year will be enough. Oh, well, so we we buy groceries fine. He's like, I'll take 2 of these. Yeah. I would like name brand of that. I need 3 of them. And then he got and he's self aware, so he puts something in the cart. I think it was Sprite or something, like, actual Sprite, not generic Sprite. And he goes, I'm gonna treat myself with your money. I was like, well, have a

good time with that. Yeah. I know. And then his grocery bill now this will last him 2 to to 3 weeks, but his grocery bill is what we pay in a week for our groceries. I'm like, okay. He's not spending his money on Door Dash. It's fine. It's fine. He could pay his own rent and his own insurance and his the note on his bike. It's fine. I'll buy the groceries. Yep. So Yep. But yeah. The everything's good. We're just we're doing that typical, hey. We took time

off, and we're struggling to get back. Yep. Yeah. As many people do who take, like, a week off of work and you're like, oh, fuck. You mean I gotta go you got I gotta go back. Yeah. So but we are back. And there will be an episode on Monday. Yep. And I think I know what we're gonna do for our topic next week, but only if it's not an accidental, like, duplication of a couple other topics we've talked about. We shall see. And does it make you go So yeah. I think that's plenty though. Yeah.

I I am actually running out of steam with words, I mean. I'm I'm ready to go put on my What was you're comfy. Done with it. She is snoring back over there. Like, she worked a double. Yep. Okay? And she's exhausted. That's that's the snore. Mhmm. So we're gonna go so we can listen to our dog snore and, we will be back next week. Thanks y'all for being here with us. Mhmm. Especially to the bitter end. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.