You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four forty. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the guy who looks as tired as I probably look and would probably love to curl up, to take a nap. John Brownstone. That's right. If I was capable of napping, I too would wanna curl up and take a nap. And that's not a euphemism. That I don't mean fuck. I mean sleep. Sleep. I am. I get it. Snores and all. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. Yeah. Not gonna happen.
No. That's okay. This week, we're continuing our series about making power exchange work in the real world by talking about the one thing we think makes it all work, which is consistency with the help of routines. Mhmm. Mhmm. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingBDSM.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC. The PC is dancer podcast. On Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s m the number one. So that's at loving d s one. On blue sky at lovingBDSM. Blah blah blah blah. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the
show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. What are words? How do they how do I say them? I don't know. We're able to keep being weirdos on the Internet with microphones, in large part because of our kinky patrons, and we are grateful for every fucking one
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And we're gonna turn on the fan. So that will be the that you might hear in the background because we were just sitting here talking for a few minutes and I am once again sweating my arm. And I bumped the air down too. Look, I had a hot flash in the doctor's office this morning y'all. And she just looked at me like she's about my age or a little bit older. She was just pure empathy. It's like, yeah. I get it. Anyway, I'll bitch about that in the
bonus section, I'm sure. Before we get started, with this week's topic, an announcement slash reminder. We are on a break. Really kinda technically starting from, like, Thursday or Friday of this week, day after recording, through to the Thursday of next week because my mom's coming to town. And I don't wanna juggle all the things we do and visit. I just went, well, let's take take some time. What? But there will
be a Monday episode. There just won't be like, the newsletters will get all jacked up. Posts online will get all jacked up. That'll be a little and then the announcement part of that is that Friday, May 16, which is after my mom goes home. It's a in a week from the day of recording, a week and a whatever. We will have our Friday night livestream virtual munch, q and a thing that we do. So we'll we'll come back in on that and then be officially back.
Because there probably won't be a newsletter that goes out that day, the best way to know that we're live is to be subscribed to our YouTube channel, y'all, if you're not already. I mean, I'm not saying that the notifications ever work or always work, but they they could be kinda useful sometimes. So if you're not already subscribed, we'd love to have you be subscribed. That'd be great. Yay. Okay. Okay. I am so annoyed at how tired I am today because I really wanna do this episode justice.
Okay. So for right now, this will be the last episode we do for a hot minute on the Real World series. And the there are a lot of different topics we can talk about and a lot of different topics we have talked about, but quite frankly, probably the one once you get to communication and negotiations and limits and all like all the the nuts and bolts is to make it work in the real world. You have to find the way to make it work in the real world.
And most people when they reach out to us with questions or concerns, not everybody, obviously, but a lot of people will be like, well, we talked about a thing, we started it, and then we stopped. Or my partner agreed, but then there wasn't follow through. And there's lots of reasons that can happen. So many reasons that can happen. But one of those reasons is you haven't built in a routine or a system that works for the life that you have and the people that you are in this moment in time. And
so we thought, hey. Let's talk about how you can kind of do that. We cannot tell you how to build the perfect routine, but we can give you tips and strategies both what, you know, the Internet says of places we trust, the Internet to say, and also from our own experience. So you can hopefully take that and go away to your own life and go, okay. Let's try some things. Let's see. I'm going through my notes. Y'all don't wanna I don't wanna miss,
anything. So we have done episodes on consistency, which this episode is like how to be consistent. When we talked about the importance of consistency, we've also talked about routines many times throughout all of our episodes, but we do have
an episode on routines. And that is on the side where you your relationship staggates and it slows down and you're not making forward progress or movement and developing and growing in your power exchange because you're stuck in a rut because routines are not like all powerful. They're not perfect. But so we have that. And then because this is part of establishing a routine, we have an episode on changing your habits to fit with whatever you're trying to do in your power change. All of those are
linked in the places. If you need a refresher or if you've never listened to or watched those, they're linked in the places that adds on to this. Okay? Because if we try to talk about all the things, how routines aren't always great and why you need to be consistent episode. So so, if if those other things aren't you you don't remember listening to them or you're not sure if there's other parts of it, the whys and the the hows, maybe go check those out and then come
back to this one. I don't know. But if you're still left with questions after this one, go check out those others, and hopefully we will have answered them. Okay. I'm scrolling because there's so many notes, y'all. The other thing I wanna say is we often I went back to a story I posted on Instagram where I was like, hey, we're gonna do this series. What do you want us to talk about Mhmm. Making your power exchange work in the real world? Easily, 10% of the responses were like, how do
I do this with long distance? How do I do this with long distance? We've talked about that before. We also Mhmm. Plug here. We have a workbook specifically for long distance relationships on the mechanics of how to set up your, power exchange so that it works for you and you can keep it going on, you know, for however long. So if you are a long distance person and you remember going, hey, please talk about that at some
point, that might help you. But also the stuff we're talking about today transfers in person, long distance, because there's not it's not a prescribed method of do these five things. What we're gonna talk about are some things to think about of how to figure it out for yourself. Okay? And what will work in your life right now? Okay. Now, I've said all of that, all the caveats, all the Mhmm. Whatevers. I what are words? Before we get into it, anything? Nope. Okay.
Let's, not You don't have to let me drive this damn mouse. It's okay. Oh, my God. Okay. So as we're gonna go through the different points, there were things I was thinking of earlier to say here. I've already forgotten them. I hope they come back to me as we're talking. The thing about any of these steps and these things that you're going to do, part of it you need to do
is document it somewhere. Take notes, do a voice recording, have a shared Google Doc, whatever your method of personally trying to retain information and information you want to share with a partner so that you can both keep up with it, do that. Okay? I don't care if it's in the notes app on your phone. Your method does not matter. It's can you find that information again? Can you remember that you have that information? And is it something you can share with your partner fairly easily? Okay?
So, once you figure out what the routine will be, then my recommendation is until it's an ingrained habit, and for some of us, that's very fast, and for some of us, that takes a long time, then I want you to document that what that routine is going to look like. So you're gonna document all the things as you're figuring them out. Right? You're gonna the conversations we're gonna suggest you have, the things we want you to think about, you're gonna document those. And then
once you, like, go, hey. This is the thing we think we wanna do. You're gonna need to document that so you can keep up with it. That, for some people, will be planners and journals and and all of that. For some people, it's gonna be to do lists, which could be pen and paper or apps. For others, it's gonna be reminders on your phone. The thing about a routine and this was this is I remembered when I was thinking earlier today. The thing about building a routine Mhmm.
Is that you have to work with your reality, your mind body, and your wiring. Okay? If you are a person who's been trying for thirty years to make a bullet journal work and it's never worked, I don't think it's gonna miraculously work now that you're in power exchange and you're trying to create your routine. Maybe. But I'm just saying, as somebody who has also tried to make journaling work for thirty plus years,
we have to find different methods. Yeah. And sometimes the method that works for you now will not be the method that works for you later. And also to be consistent with the routine that you're gonna try and figure out together, each of you in the relationship are gonna have to use the methods that work for you individually and together. So one of you might need 10,000,000 reminders on your phone and a Google Calendar that's shared, and the other one might need sticky notes in strategic places
with the thing you're supposed to do. Like, work if you've never tried to find the methods that work for you to build a routine, maintain habits, keep a schedule, whatever, this is a great time to start playing with different different options. But if you know what works for you, do not try to reinvent
the wheel. Just adapt that for this. You know, one of the things that can be forgotten by some who are either new completely to power exchange or just in a new relationship is we are not reinventing the wheel. All of your vanilla skills transfer. Okay? Just like your kink skills can transfer the other way. So you don't have to do anything crazy and complicated. If you wanna try one of the, power exchange apps, Obedience is the one we know about, haven't tried. There are a few others.
They're still on our list to try these and then report back. Great. But if you know this is the method that works for you at work, see how you can adapt it for your power exchange. Like, that's the that is one of the things I think people do forget about trying to do this. They think they have to do something completely different because the relationship style is completely different. You really don't have to. Work work with what you got and what works for you.
Okay. The these are in no particular order, so you can put them in any order you want. But these are the order. I wrote them down. First thing you're gonna do, and it's gonna sound obvious, to figure out what your routine is, is to figure out what activities you want as part of your dynamic. Yeah. What do you wanna do together? What do you want
it to look like? And that's, up to and including, bedroom only within all parts of your life, specific days, specific places, like what what is it you're trying to do and when do you ideally think you want to do it? Some of y'all want what we have, which is it's just ingrained into our life. Some of y'all want very clear times and spaces for that. Whether you want that or it's what you need, there you gotta figure that part out and you gotta do the negotiations of, hey. We're
gonna do this power exchange thing. What's that gonna look like? Now as you're, like, figuring those things out, out, especially if you all are new to one another or to power exchange, write it all down or document it, I should say. In whatever method you're using, all the ideas. Like, it's a little bit of, like, throwing something at a wall. What are we throwing at the wall to see what sticks spaghetti at the wall to see what sticks? That's right.
Yeah. I'm I'm already melting in here. So the brain's going first, I guess. Because that is what you can go back to and look at to kind of piece together later. And some stuff's gonna get rejected. You're gonna think it's a great idea as you're talking about it. Yeah. And then once you start thinking about the mechanics or you try it once, you're like, oh, nope. Wrong about that one. That's okay. Okay? Just get it get it out of your head.
Get it someplace where it's shareable with the people who are gonna be part of your routine. Okay. Anything you would add to that? Okay. The other part of this, in no particular order, is gonna need an idea of how much control the DOM wants or just can have. Right? How much power the sub and control wants to give up. You're you gotta Mhmm. You are not necessarily gonna know this at the very beginning. If you've never done this before, you're like, fuck. If I know, that's fine. That's fine.
All of this is meant to be figured out as you go. All of what we're talking about is just to get you started. Just like we tell you over and over and over again in Power Exchange that you're gonna go try something and then you're gonna have to, like, check-in with one another and maybe renegotiate. This is the same thing. Okay? So you're gonna have an idea in your head that it might not match reality. You might think you might think, I want my Dom to
make all decisions for me. And your Dom might even go, Sure. And then you're gonna try that and one or both of you are gonna go, Nope. That It ain't working. That's not gonna work for us. That's okay. That's okay. You gotta try it sometimes Right. To know. But also this is a good time to think about what would be part of your routine? What would be part of your tasks? What would be part of your rules? Right? So you don't have to be a service submissive
for this. To me, it's easier if you're into service because it's like, what can I, as a service submissive, do for you? What what do you need? What will you let me do? What do I wanna do? What am I good at? Right? But if you're not into service, it's more like, okay. Do as from a submissive perspective, do I wanna ask permission for things? Do I just wanna know how I'm supposed to act and behave and then do that or learn how to do that? Do I want very specific rules that I follow?
And also high semesters. I need you to remember, your Dom's gotta be willing to do it. That is true. If you wanna be micromanaged, but your Dom is like, I think I'm in the pits of hell with that. We we gotta we gotta go back to the the drawing board because remember, there's what your dom wants and can do, what you want
and can do. And then what you're trying to find is the Venn diagram incompatibilities, but sometimes you find that your imagination has you wanting all of these things, and it sounds great in your imagination, but your reality is, like, paired back from that and it's just as good. It's it's satisfying. It's fun. It's fulfilling. It's whatever you want it to be and need it to be, and yet it doesn't match anything like the fantasy that you thought you had. Or
I know how some of y'all are. Your 20 plan with your I'm a call it a what's it called? Slideshow thing. We they now call them decks or whatever. Fuck that shit. You know what I mean? Like, PowerPoints is what I would call them. Slide decks is I think what the new generations call them. Yeah. What the fuck ever. Like, some of y'all wanna go that far and have that much and go into crazy crazy detail. That's great. And for some of you, it might work. And for some of you, it's not gonna work.
That's okay. All I'm saying is that's okay. But you gotta be realistic about what each side of you is willing to give Mhmm. Both from the start of what, am I willing to do that? Do I really want that? And then once you actually start trying it out and realizing what actually works for your life. We give this example all of the time because it was our reality. When we moved in together, I'm telling y'all my list of things that I was supposed to do, keep up with, keep track of,
remember rules. Y'all, it was 20. It was easily 20 things. I was immediately overwhelmed for a variety of reasons. We've talked about that. Right. I do not do 20 things now. No. Nope. In no world do I keep up with 20 things as JB Submissive. It's not realistic for us. Okay. Now one of the things that I I like to remind people that you can do. Some people want a very high touch
power exchange. You want whether you're the dom or the sub, you want the dom in that situation to give the permission to assign the task, to tell you what to do as a submissive. Some people really want that. I don't function that way. And plenty of people don't. That can either feel stifling or overwhelming or just not doable with your real life. I mean, this whole series has been look at your real life Yeah. And make this fit the life you have. Right?
The way we do it is I have a couple of basic rules that I follow. The big one we talk about all the time is my truly my main rule is just always be respectful. Yeah. Which is what allows me to get away with a lot of fucking sass. As long as JB can read that I am still being respectful. I'm not crossing that line in the sand. Right. And you know what? Just knowing that I need to approach JB in a way that's still authentic to me, but with his authority in mind is enough sometimes.
It doesn't always I'm not always thinking about my headspace, but it is a constant reminder of my place in the relationship and his place in the relationship. The rest of the things I do, I have autonomy. The rules are set by JB. The tasks are set by JB. If I do not do the tasks, there will be consequences. But we set them in our negotiation, in our routine setting, and the way we're gonna make this all work for ourselves. And then it's I get to just sort of do them.
And what that looks like I think am I gonna get there? Hold on. I gotta look at my notes. I don't yeah. Okay. We'll get there. Yep. I'll talk about how I make that work because some people need set time and day and some people don't. Like, you gotta work with who you are to create the Oh, yeah. To find the routine. Right? Okay. So let's do a quick recap. You figured out what you think you wanna do as part of your dynamic.
You have discussed and have come up with notes and some plans of how much control the Dom's gonna have, how how much control the submissive is gonna give up. Okay. Great. You are, thinking about how you want that to look. Do you want some autonomy as a submissive? Do you want a lot of high touch? Give me permission for this, that, and the other. The next thing you're gonna need to do to figure out what this routine looks like is what do y'all do well as individuals?
Because some people think it's a little bit like gender roles, and the stereotypes and cliches of those. There are stereotypes and cliches of air quote what a sub does. No. A sub does what they're willing to do that their dom wants. That's what a sub does. Subs don't automatically cook and clean. Subs don't automatically walk behind somebody. Subs don't automatically do certain things. If especially with service, if that's gonna be part of your your dynamic, service comes in all kinds of forms.
I am not the one who's best equipped to do laundry in this house because We would all be naked and it would all smell moldy. Okay? But I am the one that's best equipped to pay the bills and deal with the money. Now part of that's a grown up responsibility, but part of that is the service I take on Mhmm. So JB doesn't have to. And anybody who's been around a hot minute knows it wasn't always that way. Correct. We flipped it over the years. Mhmm. So while you're thinking of, here are the things
I'm gonna do on my power exchange. Here are the things I can do on my power exchange. You have to add in, am I even good at that and willing to do it or willing to get good at it? Right? And some of that you've got to be real with yourself. Okay? If you know that you're going to burn the eggs every time you scramble them, maybe your job in this relationship should not be cooking. Yeah. Leave the eggs anyway. Look. Look. I I have air quote, boiled a pot of water until there was no
water in it. Okay? Like, let's just be real here. Now can you decide that you wanna get good at that and that will be part of your power exchange journey? Of course you can. But, you know, as you think of the things you ideally want to do within your power exchange, I I desperately need you to be honest with yourselves about what what you like to do, what you can do, what you're willing to do.
Because part of one of the hardest things in building a routine and setting it and being consistent is fighting yourself every step of the way because you're dreading that thing. And so then you procrastinate on it until what? You get in trouble or you let your sub down or now there's, you know, upset feelings and the power exchange because it's like you said, you would do the thing and you're not doing the thing because it's the worst fucking thing for you to do.
Like, no. Don't do that. Don't do that. Sometimes you will think you can do a thing and then you'll start and you'll realize, nope. Not for me. What do I got myself into? Right. Yeah. Okay. So we're being honest about what we do well Yeah. And what we're willing to do. Now here's the part and this is where people kinda get twisted about having a routine and keeping up with it and the being consistent. What does your schedule look like? What does
your life look like? Do you have a ridge a fairly rigid schedule where you go to work at the same time every day, your kid if you're a parent your kids go to school at the same time every day, everybody's home at the same time. This is whether you live together or not. You're you can count on a schedule most of the time. That will be one kind of routine. Is your life constantly changing? Your job will have a different schedule every week. You'll have a different commitment
every week. You gotta sing and that and and you don't know from week to week. That's gonna be a different kind of routine. Mhmm. If you try to set up something where at 05:00 in the afternoon every day, you send a text and it has to be at 05:00. But sometimes at 05:00, you're out on a, like, a, what, a field coaching a sport ball for some small children? Maybe that's not when you can send the text. Right? Or make the phone call. If at 05:00,
you're, like, in a business meeting. I don't know what business people do, but those, maybe that's not that's not the thing to to do. Right? So you've got to know your own schedule. Mhmm. Also know Know thyself. This whole thing about the routine is know thyself. The whole the whole fucking thing. And some of it you're gonna figure out as you go. Some of it you're gonna think that you want and can do and it's gonna be great. And then you're gonna do it and go, I fucking hate this.
And that's okay. You're gonna shift and change. Or you're gonna do a thing for six months, a year, and then your life's gonna change. Oh, well, none of that works. It doesn't fit anymore. None of this works anymore. Mhmm. The name of the game is flexibility. The name of the game is flexibility. Now, again, remember, I'm telling you, I want you to document all of these things because you've gotta to me, you need to be able to go back
and look at it. Right? Because we're trying to find the Venn diagram of all of these things and what comes out that overlaps and is doable. Right? And that you want to do. Now here, after you've done all that, now it's time to be thinking about what will this routine look like. That I'll give you just a little a little peek into mine. I talk about it all the time. If you've been here, you probably know it better than I do. Okay? I'll start the night before because that's how
my day starts. Right before when we go to bed, I get the coffee pot ready at night Mhmm. Without fail. Unless I am literally sick and cannot function Correct. That is what I am doing. So So that in the morning, when JB wakes up, all he has to do is hit the button and he's got a cup of coffee. After I get the coffee pot ready, I'm going into the bedroom. I am pulling down the covers. I am putting JB's pillow the way he likes. I am tucking
in chairs. I am putting shit away, and I'm getting myself ready for bed. And part of that on days when I'm wearing my collar is to stand there like a good girl and wait for my collar to come off. Mhmm. That's not a surface thing. That's a submissive thing. I don't wear my collar to bed because I feel like I'm choking, and I get overstimulated and I get panicky and it can't stay on. So it's gotta come off. We have a bit of a
routine with that. Right? We have a little bit of, what's the word I want? There's a word for that that's not routine. It's a kind of an intimate moment. I can't think of the word, but y'all probably know what I mean. And that's that's a point of connection. Right? And then I bend my naked ass over the fucking bed, and I wait for permission to go to bed. That's my routine. Is there a set time that that happens? No. Because sometimes we go to bed at 09:45
at night, and sometimes it's midnight. Yeah. The routine is always the same. Right. When I wake up in the morning, what time I wake up depends on the day we're having. Today, I had to wake up at 6AM and I was very cranky about it. Tomorrow, I have to wake up at 5AM and I will be crankier. The time is irrelevant in our routine. When I wake up, and wake up doesn't just mean my eyes have just opened. It is when I am physically ready to get out of the fucking bed. That is
mostly on me. That is my decision to make. In our relationship, JP JB is not coming in going, you need to get up. I mean, unless I laid there for hours. You Right. Back a million years ago when I used to actually air quote sleep late past 07:00 in the morning, he might. But that's not our life now. Right? Yeah. When I get out of bed, then the routine begins again. I have things I need to do. I do the litter boxes for the cats. Mhmm. That's not a service thing. That's just a
that's how we divvied up. It's a household thing. Right. That's how we divvied some stuff up. But a service thing is I get JV's probiotic out because if he does not see it, he does not take it. Nope. I make JV's iced coffee. Yes. And I try to make it early enough in my morning routine where wherever time he's going out to work in the shop or whatever he's doing, his coffee's already there for him. Once I've got the stuff set up that JB needs, then the morning is mine to do whatever I'm gonna
do. And sometimes I'm real efficient and sometimes I'm not. Throughout the day, middle of the day, I'm I'm working. JB's working. We're being parents. We're doing all that stuff. What JB will do then is he might come to me with a task. He assigns tasks as needed. I have certain things that I do morning and evening. I'm always respectful. He he is always the decider. None of
that changes. So anything that gets added to my routine is because he's making the ask and he's like, hey, I need you to do this for me baby girl. Okay? That routine works and is fulfilling to us because it works with our life. First thing in the morning and last thing at night is when you're probably gonna get most of my undivided attention. You just are. Middle of the day, I got shit going on. On. You're you're you're already by that point, you're so deep down in your,
Right. Yeah. And for those of you, because I know you and I'm gonna tell y'all in part of this research how I was reminded of these things. For some of y'all, the idea of having to do a prescribed thing at a specific time every day is either just not realistic or it makes your brain hurt. You're like, I just can't. Then don't. Then don't. Negotiate that and don't. For some of you, you're like us. Your life is so fucking busy.
You don't have lots of dedicated time all the time to give to the power exchange. Fine. Figure out when you do have dedicated time. For long distance folks, this is extremely important because the only way you're gonna maintain a consistent power exchange is to figure out your routine and probably some kind of schedule, but it doesn't have to be a hard and fast anything. Okay? For y'all, go back to my shameless plug. We've got the workbook. It's literally worksheets.
Yeah. So you can you can figure these things out for yourself. They don't have to be big tasks. They don't have to be they can be they can be as, as, you know, much fuckery as you want them to be. Part of your routine could be how you end your day and whichever one of you is the sub is like in a position or naked or bent over
something. Like, it can be that or it can be this is a thing you do because your dom asked you to and you get it done at whatever point works for both of y'all within your life. Okay? It can be as much or as little as you want slash need it to be and that is extremely important for people with hectic busy crazy schedules. Go back to what last week, your caregiving for a child or an adult, that'll take a lot of your time and
energy. You have a chronic, illness, you're injured, you your body will not hell, your mind will not always let you do the things that are prescribed time of day or in a certain way, then don't try to make yourself do that. Find little things that let you feel connected Mhmm. That can fit within the schedule. Let me say it again. If you want to do I do this at 9AM and I do this at 5PM and I do cool.
But if that makes your brain hurt, it does mine, say, when I wake up, when I have my first meal, what like, because those things might change day to day. But if you're doing them around a thing you're already doing, then it doesn't matter what time of day it is. K? Or if it's, oh, I have to ask permission before I do x y z, then for my subs subs out there who like a little autonomy, what time of day works best for you to ask for permission for things you know you're going to need permission
for? Long distance folks, get used to asking for permission if that's part of your dynamic well before the time you need the answer because you might not get an answer right when you want it. That's true even when you like live live together. If I can't get to JB and like look his him eyeball to eyeball to ask for permission for something and I have to send a text, maybe I'm out for the day, maybe he's out for the day. I learned from being
long distance. I sure as shit better ask as soon as I think of it because he might not see that text until it's after the time I wanted to do the thing. If I'm driving, I'm picking up the phone. Exactly. But that to me, that gives you options. It lets you fit the dynamic and the things you're gonna do and the tasks you're gonna do and the rules you're gonna implement into your current life, whatever that looks like. Okay?
Go if you're like, I really suck at doing habits and changing and doing new things. Go back to our episode on changing, you know, learning new habits, changing old habits. We talked a little bit in that, I think, about habit stacking, which is my favorite thing. I struggle with it, but it is my favorite way to get a new habit.
I know to take my morning meds because I do that when I eat my breakfast and I eat breakfast every day because after years of not, I now can't function without breakfast first thing in the morning. I have the make the coffee for JB in the morning routine centered around certain things I'm already doing. I make my breakfast is in the air fryer or the microwave or whatever. Well, while that's going, I'm making the coffee. Oh. I walked out here to do this
thing. Let me stop, swing by and put his probiotic out. I put it all together with stuff I'm already doing and I give myself visual hints of, oh, yeah. You need to do this thing so I can remember until it becomes ingrained. And even then, not everything becomes ingrained. Some of us are not wired for a habit to be ingrained. And I know the challenge of that. I understand
the challenge of that. If you are the submissive who has that struggle and your Dom maybe does not, or your Dom has a struggle but not where these specific things are concerned, lean lean into the power exchange for reminders for whether they're sexy reminders or they're practical reminders. Because that's the other thing. People get very worried about a air quote routine because they're like, I'm not gonna remember. I'm not gonna always remember. Okay. What will help you remember?
Is it a big whiteboard in your bedroom or kitchen with the list that you can physically see? Is it reminders on your phone that pop up with alarms or whatever? Hey. You gotta do this now. Hey. You gotta do that now. What is it for you that will help you remember the things you're supposed to do? Especially if you are most likely neurodivergent, but I'm sure there's other times this happens for folks where you can do a thing every day for a year.
Right. And you have one day where you're just not thinking thinking about it and you've forgotten it for a week. Like, I get it. That that's real. And and, you know, that let's talk about that from, you know, big d perspective. You know, one of the one of the things that I hear a lot of is, you know, oh, my my my big d didn't follow-up on their, you know, on my task. They didn't follow-up on this, follow-up on that. And and, you know, that is so important. That is a big part of of being
consistent. Because it's not just up to the s type to be consistent. Right. Everybody has to be consistent in that. Exactly. You know, so you you need to make the, the commitment to, you know, following up on what's going on. And, you know, something that she that, Kayla said earlier, notes. Notes. You know, there are times I have so much stuff going on in my life. I don't know which way is up or down. Mhmm. And and making notes and and having the stuff that I can look at is is
tremendous. Mhmm. You know? Mhmm. And, I I kinda learned some of this, you know, in in other way because I I do a lot of stuff with software. And sometimes in trying to learn software, you know, you're looking at manuals, you're doing this, and and the manuals never totally cover what is in the real world when the software is out in the wild. So, you know, when I'm experimenting with software, I'd make notes of what I do. Mhmm. Because a few times now I've stumbled on the stuff and,
like, how did I get here? How do I make it happen again? You know, but but that's why you you wanna keep because you you need to be consistent with with that. You know? It it's no different than on your job you follow-up. Mhmm. You know? And the thing is is go back to what you said a while back. Know thyself. Mhmm. If you are the dom and you know that you will forget shit, you will forget to follow-up, you will forget to pay attention at specific times.
One, use every tool you already have and if you don't have any, go discover some Right. To help yourself remember. Right? Mhmm. Two, if remembering things is a strength of your submissive partners or something they're just willing to do, even if they have to use all of their tools that help them, lean on them. JB is the absolute easiest thing to assign to me is, baby girl, help me remember. I got this. Now sometimes, if my brain is not braining right, I'll go I have a little bit of panic.
I mean, like, hold that thought. I gotta write it down five different places so I can remember to figure out how I'm gonna help you remember. But I take that on willingly as the submissive. And that can be an act of service. It can just be, hey. Mhmm. I'm the dumb and I don't wanna have to think about this, and I know I will struggle to think about this. So you're willing and you're able, I'm gonna put that on you. You can call that a task if you want. You can call it a service.
You just call it, I'm telling you to do something because that's the nature of our power exchange. Right. But you have to think of you have to have some understanding of your own strengths and weaknesses and your partner's strengths and weaknesses. Don't, you know, set each other up to fail by trying to do something that goes against every part of your personality and who you actually are. What what is even the point?
And you might get it it might get good once or twice, but the amount of times that you won't be able to do it because it's literally not right for you, that's a lot of defeat to feel for something that's supposed to feel good and right and fun and you know what I mean? But I think sometimes we want to believe that we're completely different people now that we're we know we're kinkier now that we're in this relationship. You are still who you are Mhmm. With room to
improve and learn and grow Grow. Yeah. Of course. And, you know, ideally, you're learning and growing together even better. But you gotta be real with yourself first. Yeah. You know? If you know you struggle every day to just remember your basic stuff, well, what tools are out there that you're already using or have you spent the time trying to
figure out what you can do? It's a self growth kind of journey, life generally is, but to get good at something that you know maybe does not come naturally to you, that's part of the journey because it's in benefit to yourself, of course, but it's in it benefits the relationship, helps the relationship be whatever it is you want it to be. The other thing I think about is that a lot of folks get really tied up in all of Power Exchange, all of kink has to be really big and obvious and bold. Right?
It's a dismissive kneeling on the floor. It's a Dom standing there looking kind of commanding. Right? Absolutely, it can be like that. But if that's not gonna work for your life, your mind, or your body, why are we trying to do it? Mhmm. Right? Again, there's one offs. You might play with it because today's a good day and you can play with it. But if that's not gonna work day to day, don't force it into being part of your day to day. Right. Look for small subtle things. We did that episode a
couple weeks ago. Right? Mhmm. Look for things that are meaningful to the two of you that it's not just that nobody's gonna notice. It's that nobody has to notice it. It is literally a thing that is important to to the two of you. Maybe it's if you live together. Maybe it's how you meal plan. Is that the job of the submissive because they're really good at it and the dom is like, I don't even wanna fucking think about it. Well, guess what? Submissive can do it if they agree to it.
Is it, organizing the toys? JB organizes the toys because that is what he does. And I gladly let him. But maybe that's a thing that the Dom struggles with and the, you know, the Smiths was willing to do that for their Dom. They're willing for that to be a rule that they follow. Whatever. Maybe it's bedtime. Maybe it's remembering to take medication. Maybe like, it can literally be anything in your life that you can put the layer of power exchange over. Who's in charge of this and why do we
do it this way? What is the motivation? What is the context? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta take your medication so, like, your blood pressure don't get too high. But also, me reminding you to do it is about power control and taking care of. You doing it when, you know, you reminding your part your dom as a submissive Mhmm. Is a service. Like, how however you can think of those things, they can be very mundane things that are part of your routine that only have meaning to the two
of you. And then you're not twisting yourself into knots to always be doing the, quote, obviously air quote that real big obviously kink thing because sometimes there's space for that. Our obviously kink thing is when JB whales like whales on my ass. Okay. Because he wants to watch it jiggle usually. Like, he plays my ass like bongo sometimes just because the the junk in this trunk is jiggly. Okay? And that will be And in the most pleasant of ways.
That might be the most overtly kink thing we do in a given day and it might we might only have time for it once a week. And that's okay. That works for us. We have not air quote failed. Right? The rest of it has to be part of who we are in the relationship that we have, but also the life that we have. How many times have I said that over the course of this series and over 440 episodes in general?
Now the thing about implementing a routine, you will fuck it up in the beginning until you finally find a rhythm. You might start out real strong because you're really excited. Fuck it up later. And by fuck it up, I don't mean, you know, stop caring about it. You might have a day where you forget. And then that turns into two days because you haven't put your tools in place for how are you and sometimes your tool is
your power exchange. One of you is reminding the other as an act of service or as an act of control. Right? You're it's like your power exchange in general. You're gonna start it with this plan of, okay, in the morning, I'm gonna do this. In the afternoon, I'm gonna do this. And in the evening, I'm gonna do this. And then you're gonna go, wait. Some of this doesn't work. This is I can't do it this way. You're gonna go back and you're gonna adjust.
Sometimes it's not about having even a specific time of day. It's here are the things you're going to do as a dom or a sub in any part of the day. It happens when it happens. That is a, I think a good one for people who really hate the idea of schedules and routines and feeling like they have a a they have to do things in a certain order in a certain way all the time. Yes. I hear the folks out there who are like, how are you submissive if you don't
like that? Because that's not just what submission is. Me doing things for JB in the morning and the night is not what makes me submissive. Me doing things because JB said, I want you to do things these things. And I went, okay. Sure. Is what makes me submissive. It's not you know, we work with who we are. There are times JB has to say to me we talked about this in the past too. When his depression was really bad, he's like, I can't do this right now,
which is fine. And I honor his I'm he's never not the dom, but he's not actively being the dom. Well, for me, that meant it was an act of service to just not do that. Mhmm. And I got to keep my submissive headspace, and he got to get the break that he needed. Mhmm. And it did not pull apart or power exchange. No. Right? So you're gonna put a plan together with all that information you have documented. What's our sched what's our life look like? What are we willing to do? Who wants
to do what? How much control? How much power? You know, what is feasible? And then you're gonna try some stuff. And then you're gonna check-in with one another. And you're gonna be forgiving of each other to a point if you know that one or both of you are struggle with remembering stuff or or
changing habits. You're gonna everybody gets a certain level of grace and then you each have to decide individually when you've given too much grace and they're just not in it and they're not actually trying and they don't, you know, sometimes that's the reality. Sometimes people just don't act they want they want the fun of power exchange. They
don't want the responsibility of it. Right? They, wanna make big promises because they think they're gonna get something out of it, and then they don't follow through not because they're neurodivergent, not because their health won't let them, but because they just they're not invested enough. Right? It's an incompatibility, and only you get to decide what that line is for you.
Some of us who are who, you know, we've been doing this long term, if JB tomorrow stopped doing a thing he's been doing, my mind is not gonna go to he doesn't want power exchange anymore. My mind's gonna go to, oh my god. What is wrong? Right. But when you're in a brand new power exchange, you've never done this with this other person before, You know? There should come a point. They're not doing the thing they keep saying they
will do when you're communicating. Hey. You said you would do this and it's not happening. What's going on? Can we adjust? Do you need help? And you get promise after promise after promise. Well, that's that's on them not wanting to actually do it. Right? Because go back to what we said at the top about the messages we get from people who are like, we we plan this all out and we say we're gonna do it
and then it falls apart. Sometimes because you haven't developed a routine that works with your life, which is what this is about. Sometimes it falls apart because one of you is not as invested in this as the other one for whatever the reason is. So that's the line you have to decide for yourself. Okay. Let me scroll through these notes. Literally all two pages of notes. Okay. Oh, I got to the end of my notes. I know. That was a lot. I don't know how helpful that was.
What are your thoughts in general on power exchange and routine and consistency that goes with the routines and all of the things that I have, talked myself into a sweaty mess about for the past forty five minutes. Oh, very favorably. Stop that. Patty. No. Really? Oh. What are your thoughts? Oh, goodness. You're clicking around here and you you okay. You know, no. I I think everything you said I'm I'm behind everything you said. You know, sorry. I'm I'm a little drifty
today and talk about that later. But, yeah. No. It it, you know, everything you you have to have that consistency. There has to be. Otherwise, it's not gonna work. It's gonna fall apart. But the thing is and and I obviously, I agree. Yeah. The thing I think some people get twisted up about consistency is they think it means the same as what everybody else is doing. That's what consistency is. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. It's not constant. It's not
always. Mhmm. It's in the amount of time, at the time, in the ways that are enough. Right. And that you can count on. Mhmm. I mean, yeah. It it's gotta be, you know, be because what that person there wants to do is not something I wanna do, and that that's something totally different than what you want. So it has it's it's tailored. It has to be tailored. There's no,
you know, if, and, or, but. You can use general, you know, general ideas, but then you've got to work it in so that it fits with who and what you are. Mhmm. Mhmm. And that's that's the hard part. We get we are I know for some of y'all, it's very dissatisfying for us to go, okay. I want you to write this down. Mhmm. Decide this, figure out that. Okay. Now look at it and
what can you do? Because, you know, we want, like, simple rules of, oh, if I just do this in the morning and I just do but that literally does not work for everybody for all kinds of reasons. If kink is customizable, the way you structure your kink life is also customizable. And it has to be. It has to
be. I think what often, you know, can mess people up is seeing what other people do, whether that's us or somebody else you follow online or something you read or some video you watched or whatever whatever And admiring what you see and liking it and and feeling like a a a you know, like you're drawn to it and then trying to emulate it line by line, word for word. And that's none of this has to have any meaning at all except to you and the person
you're you're with. And there is no air quote right amount of power change, correct amount of kink for you to be kinky and to have power exchange. If it is literally two things out of your day that are set within your power exchange, if it's enough for you, it's enough. Right. If it's not enough for you and you want more, that's a conversation to have with your partner.
Now another part of that with consistency, with the help of a routine, again, whatever that looks like for you, really structured, not really structured, As with all of us, communication is the most important thing. If something is going to disrupt that routine that you're both counting on, that you're both going, Hey, this is part of what we do. This is how we kind of feel connected in our power exchange. You have to speak up.
I used to never speak up and do my routine through a migraine, through back pain, through upset stomach, with a really bad cold up my ass should have been in in bed. No chick don't fly with me. I had to learn how to feel comfortable and safe speaking up and going because I saw it as some sort of weakness. Like, I agreed to do the thing and come hell or high water, I have to do it or I'm not keeping my end of the agreement. Well, that's bullshit. Okay? Life is life and shit happens.
So I had to get better at going, hey, daddy. I've got a I've got a migraine so bad that I would really like to just close this eye and go sit in a dark room with this eye. And he's like, what the fuck are you doing standing here making me a fucking cup of coffee? Right? He got better at seeing the signs, but he only knew to look for the signs because I started communicating them to him. So and that's the other thing where I think some things fall apart for for folks in a power exchange.
You agree to the the tasks and the rules and the the service and however you're gonna structure this. This. And you even agree to the routine and you've you've figured this all out. I'm gonna do this at this time and this at this time. And then it falls apart a little bit because life gets in the way. Right? The first time I think most of us are gonna go, oh, something happened. No big
deal. But the second time or the third time or you're discovering that life has, like, gone off the rails in some way and it's really impeding this part of your power exchange. When you don't talk about it, all you do is look like you are fuck. What is the word? You're not dependable. Right? That's what it looks like. It looks like you're not holding up your end of the bargain when actually you're juggling something.
And that's true whether you're living together, you're long distance, you just see one another every so often. If you have agreements that you have mutually made and they are still important to both of you and one of you has to stop for legitimate reasons, or hell not legitimate, but you you've gotta communicate it because you're you're fucking with the trust between the two of you.
If I just didn't do my if I just don't do my nighttime routine and I don't say a fucking word to JB, I promise you I'm a wake up the next day with a consequence. And how fair is that to me if the if I'm getting a consequence because I had a migraine I didn't talk about. Yeah. Or let's say I still worked outside of the home and I had a meeting that went long. I just never mentioned that
the meeting went long. Now you do have to consider each other honest, dependable, trustworthy people for this to work. If you have fucked up the trust in your relationship, then you're gonna have to do a little bit more than say something to prove this. That's a problem that has no routine is gonna fix in your power exchange. But if you genuinely trust one another and you know, you know, you know the other one's not gonna lie to you, you just gotta say something. Just go, oh,
I'm so sorry. I'm I'm going to miss that or I missed it because and we talk about this a lot in long distance relationships because you don't get as much opportunity to be face to face and go, let me tell you about my crazy day or let me tell you what my day is gonna look like tomorrow. As, you know, those skills that a long distance relationship needs are just as important in an in person relationship whether you live together or not. Right? You still need to keep the lines of
communication open. But even if you feel like you sound like a broken record, I don't care if it's the fifth time in a row that, you know, a kid was projectile vomiting somewhere and you could not do the thing. Just say, yeah. It's that kind of season. Everybody's sick. You know? I I wish it could be different. You know? I don't even want you to fucking apologize for it. You didn't do anything wrong. I just want you to go, hey. You know that thing I'm supposed to do? I'm not gonna be able to do
it. You're not failing at power exchange. And by talking about it, you're really not failing. Okay? Because you're you're keeping that trust going, and you're letting the other person know, hey. I'm thinking about it. I know I need to do it. Something is preventing it. And if it prevents it often enough, then that is the sign you gotta adjust the routine. Whether it's the task or the time of day or the order in which things are done, whatever that is. Whatever that is.
That is. I feel like this is has to be so vague to be personalizable that it is what is the word I want? A little underwhelming Because I can't tell you. Do this on Tuesdays and do this on Thursdays. And, you know, every third Saturday, if you do this, hey. You'll have the you'll have the power exchange. No. Now one thing I will add that is not about this, but it was about, like, the making sure I felt like we were saying something that could be helpful to enough people.
I know how I establish routines. Like, just this is how I do it, and I also know where I struggle. So I was like, okay. Let me make sure I'm getting a broad spectrum of views of how to implement a routine. And one of the things I searched was how to start a new routine. And then I searched how to start a new routine, neurodivergent. And then how to start autism. ADHD. And I don't I don't have a diagnosis of anything.
But the stuff that is clearly written by and for, neurotypical folks, I went, well, I'm doing what? How? What do you mean? And then I look over at the, like, best practices here's and I'm like, oh, okay. Yeah. That that's that's what works for me too. So a lot of a lot of my views on how to do this come from, like, best practices, air quote that real big for, like, neurodivergent people because here's what I've learned.
You don't have to be autistic, ADHD, something else blah blah blah for something to work for you. Sometimes, quite frankly, the the way to break down a thing is beneficial regardless of neurotype. Like, however your brain is wired, if it resonates, fucking use it. Right? But I came across one article that was and I don't wanna make fun of anybody starting a new routine, I went, this list is not for me. This list is not for me. This is not for me. Gonna set my intentions.
Okay. But I don't know how that's gonna help me remember to do the coffee pot. So that was a little fun insight that I got to have. But, yeah, the big thing is you're gonna have to look at all the pieces, parts of your life realistically, and then It's like putting together a puzzle. It's an amalgamation. Yeah. Yeah. Make yourself a a Frankenstein's monster of a power exchange. Maybe not like one that's rampaging through, you
know, the town or anything. You don't want you don't want the villagers coming after you at pitchforks. You know? Right. But they probably would if they knew we were kinky. So whatever. Whatever. Yeah. But, yeah, if you kinda keep the thought in front of your mind that all all of this can be personalized and customized. Yeah. And there is no prescriptive way that this works and what it looks like. You know? I know for some that could
be overwhelming. Too many options is is that that's not helpful. That's why I'm like, okay. Actually, like, document the stuff. Like, step by step document it down because then it's not all the things. It's not anything. It's these specific things you're choosing from. But because it's like that, there there's no bullet point list of here's the perfect routine. Here's the perfect power exchange setup. That's all boring anyway.
So, yeah, that's that's the beauty of and the for some of us, frustrating part of this is it literally can be anything Yeah. And look like anything and mean anything. True. So I know that's not satisfying, though. I know. It's not satisfying. But, hopefully, that was a little helpful. Even if all it gave you was validation because the way you're doing it, you're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. We're okay. We're doing it. Or, you know, one thing out of the
10,000 words was said here resonated. Hope that's enough. I'm just sharing. So I'm now sweating through the back of my shirt. We can do we can be I don't have anything more to add. So we could be done with this part, go into a bonus section, and maybe I'll sweat through the front of my shirt. There you go. Okay. So are we, are we good? I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. We will not see you next week. No. We will see you on Friday. Daddy, can we talk to the crickets? Yes.
Okay. I gotta get out of these notes. That's a lot of words on pages and so many bullet points y'all. Some some English teacher somewhere would be so annoyed with the structure of my notes. Too many bullet points, y'all. Too many bullet points. So Whatever works for you. Okay. I am so hot, y'all. I am just a walking, rolling hot flash at this point. It it is very warm. I feel warm in here too. That is validating. That is so validating. And and, you know, obviously, turned the fan on.
And, I even bumped the air before we closed the door and sat down. It's that time of year. Yeah. Once it get hot, it stay that way. Mhmm. I mean, I wish it was, like, hot hot, but Yeah. Now I'm just sweaty hot. It's it's it's almost now getting to the point that it's gonna be too hot for me to sit outside and practice with the, ukulele the way I do in the evenings. It's getting the humidity's creeping in and sore the, Florida bugs. Mhmm. Mhmm. So. But, do you wanna bitch about how tired we
are and why we're so fucking tired? Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's there's tired because we're not sleeping tonight. I mean, there's that. And then there's tired because there's been a lot of doctor's appointments lately. And the need for the doctor's appointments has just added some stress and worry. Right. But, thankfully, we're getting we keep getting good news for these appointments. Yeah. So that's been nice. Yeah. I I had not been feeling well for a hot minute. Mm-mm. And,
you know, I I I learn. I know better than to not say anything because of that damn fucking tough love clause. So I just, you know, told Taylor, hey, look, you know, something's not right. And which kicked off a flurry of doctor visits. Let's see. Two blood draws, two EKGs A stress test now. Stress test and an echocardiogram tomorrow. Day after recording. Now the the, the good news is thus far, everything has
come back very favorable. Mhmm. Okay? Mhmm. It it is leaning towards, higher probability that has nothing to do with with the ticker or anything related to it Yeah. At this point. So, you know, looking at a couple other things, one of the things they mentioned was GERD? Yeah. GERD? I can't remember what GERD stands for, but it's the digestive and the Mhmm. Reflux and the stuff. And and the other thing too, which he reminded me which, I I have bone spurs all through my spine,
and those could be causing me Yeah. And you don't just feel your back pain at your back At your back. No. Always. No. Radiates to the front. Radiates. Right. Just like you get, you know, if you have lower back, the pain can be down in your legs. Mhmm. So anyway, that's what we've been going through. And, you know, in in the beginning of this, especially when when the doctor said, well, we're gonna refer you to a a a heart doctor first, heart specialist first.
You know, and, that that kinda set off some stress. Yeah. Yeah. You know? So, yeah. Right right now, you know, seeing as everything's coming back good with the heart, they're they're gonna start looking into it possibly being, you know, something gastro related and, gonna start me on a a script for that for a couple weeks and see how it goes. Mhmm. Our doctor is so wonderful. Our primary care Yeah. We had our, technically, our well visit, but also just an office appointment. So, of course, we
had to still pay our co pay. It's not co pay. It's our deductible. The amount that we pay to go see the fucking doctor Yeah. Because it doesn't fall under what's covered that you don't have to pay for. Yay. Right. But and I we go to each other's doctor's appointments mostly for moral support, but also so when the one of us forgets that we were having an ailment, the other one could speak up. Yeah. And I'm looking at our doctor going, he has he's been on a journey, and he does not feel good.
But she just she listens and she's and I told her, I said, look. We had to see other doctors at this practice because we didn't wanna wait and, you know, you you do not have openings, which is fine. But could you could you look at this for us? And that was just it was really nice. It was really validating, like, as I And that and that's one thing I I like about our doctor. Mhmm. Mhmm. She listens. She does. She's She I don't get mad when she's late into the exam room with us.
No. Because because I know she's got because I know she was sitting in the next room over listening to that person. Person talking. Yeah. Yeah. So but, yeah. We, so, you know, we'll we'll see. Waiting for the, script to come through Mhmm. And, try that for a couple weeks and see how it how it does. Mhmm. And go from there. Yep. And as I got to announce to a teenager today, I got to find out And you've got good news too. My boobs are healthy. Mhmm. That was another point of stress for
all of us. Well, and it's all you know what? Here's the thing. It is not uncommon for somebody who's had their screening mammogram to need to go and get a secondary one diagnostic going with an ultrasound because boobs are dense and, like, there's there's just there's a lot going on in there. Mhmm. But in my case, I have a really strong family history of, when boobs attack. So, it it does add a little bit of
a strain because I'm like, oh, yes. This family member and that family member, and here's what my mom did to prevent that from happening. And so it's like, okay, I'm worried about JB's heart. My my my sense of things based on everything I was reading and what doctors are saying is, like, it may not be, but we're not gonna fuck around with his fucking heart. Like, we're gonna get shit checked. I guess because of how my age they want, you know Right.
Yeah. And because, you know, they don't always know. So, like, my part of me is going, it's probably not because all these things say that some of the symptoms you would not have. And I'm like, let's not fuck with it. And at the same time, I'm going, my boobs are probably just fine. There's a higher a better than good chance that they are. But right? And then you have that little, like, at the back of your mind. My boobs might attack me later in life, but right now, they're fine.
Just yay. It's one of those things to think about. But, I did look at my primary care who's not the one who makes sure that I have all my estrogen and estrogen and all my I was like she said, how are you feeling with that? I'm like, I'm having more hot flashes and more brain fog, and I'm not sleeping at night. I was like, but I don't know if I should reach out to my gynecologist before my next appointment.
She was like, I think you should. And so what I like about that, because the gynecologist is fine, but she's not as like it's not as good of a relationship as we have with our primary care. I get to go, dear blah blah. Primary care blah blah said and recommended that I reach out and she might actually
listen to me. Yeah. So Yeah. All all I have to say, you know, there there are certain times, you know, like one time last night, I, I got up and, when I came back to bed, I was feeling a little chilly. And, you know, I I just got up close to the human furnace over here and I I warmed up pretty quick. Yeah. So I got an last night. Oh my fucking god. Got a non emergency text from the 19 year old. 01:00 in the morning. Look. Give me the non emergency text, but
they're on bypass. That phone is silent, but when my baby's text or call, I fucking hear it. And I still have that whatever that happens when you learn how to wake up the moment, like, your infant breathes a little deep and you're, like, wide awake. I still have that. So I'm yanked out of sleep. +1 08. Kid's responding. Fine. Fine. Fine. And then I lay there. I'm like, oh, yeah. I need to go back to sleep. But my heart rate had jumped because it was middle of
the night. I heard the kid's notification. So I had to calm myself down, which meant I had to tell myself in my head quietly, unclench your jaw, take a deep breath, relax your shoulders. And I'm kind of mean to myself in my own head, so, like, I wasn't relaxing myself by the way I was talking to myself. That's not good. And as I'm laying there thinking, okay. Maybe I'll go back to sleep now. I just started boiling from the
inside out. And then I would doze and then I would boil from the inside out. And JB would try to cuddle with me and he to him, he felt cold, but the moment his skin touched mine, that was like an atomic reaction. Like that, the point where our skin literally touched was hotter than the surface of the sun. And so I just rolled back and forth. I did my rotisserie chicken roll all night trying to find a cool spot. Trying my hands go numb at night so I have to shift so that I can
get circulation back. Shifting back and forth to get circulation back and breathing through the hot flashes, the covers were yanked off and then I'd get a chill. The covers back on. Then they'd be yanked off. And then we go sit at the doctor's office, and she's like, how are y'all doing? And I'm like, I cannot I don't know my name right now, but sure. Let me tell you. I didn't even go into, like, any things I've been dealing with. I was like, fuck it. Yeah.
Fuck it. I don't care right now. If it's a problem, I'll call you later. So yeah. And you know, I never heard your phone go off. Of course you did. Of course you didn't. You did not hear the phone. Well, think about it though. I mean, it's not even the oh, of course you didn't. You can't sleep with your hearing aids in. That's true. So when my fan is going, like, there's the ceiling fan, then there's the side look. When I bought that fan, we
were broke as fuck. Okay? I didn't have the extra $10 at the time to buy the quiet one. I bought the cheapest one that would do the job. And now that's just my fan. I'm not gonna replace it for no fucking reason. Yeah. We got the ceiling fan, and that's beautiful and delightful. And then, yeah, my wind tunnel. And the problem is is my, the it's a small ish fan, and so I have to, like I can't have it pointed to my face or I won't sleep at all. That's too overstimulating.
So I have to have it pointed to reach the majority of my body that gets hot, but it can't reach all of my body that gets hot because it's not big enough to get that. And so it's like I kind of, like, move around and go, what what part of me can you get? Okay. Go ahead. Cool that spot off. Look. I'm just I'm grateful that we've gotten, knock on wood, nothing but good news. Right. It's all I mean, I'm I'm annoyed by my own hot flashes, but Yeah. Everything else
is fine. You know? Yeah. Silent. You know? Yeah. I don't deny it. There there are times I'm so dead asleep. And, you know, it's funny with both of us with our insomnia, we do it in shifts. We do. We're never awake at the same time. Nope. Nope. We are not. We are not. We do carry on the proud tradition of couples everywhere. Maybe not everywhere, but many of us. We do the, complain about our sleep Olympics, who will be who had the worst night. Yeah. I I did think I got to win for last night.
I did. Hands down. I mean But there are nights JB wins. He's had the worst night of sleep, and I'm just like, oh, I'm so sorry. Here's the thing. I don't add in the, oh, my hands went numb and I had to rotisserie chicken my my way through the night because that's an every night thing now. Like, that's just part of it. So that doesn't get to count.
But I do get to complain when the numbness, the tingling is like streaks of fire going down every finger and I have to sit up and be fully awake for thirty minutes before it subsides before I can lay back down, I do win on those nights. But if JB is like, well, I fell asleep until one, tossed and turned until three, and then just finally got the fuck up and went to the couch, I'm like, you get to win tonight. I don't care what I went through. You win.
Because of so far, knock on wood, of all the things I'm not gonna fucking do, get my ass out of fucking bed. That to me is conceding. Yeah. And I will win this battle against my own brain and my bed. See, I don't. I give up and I get up and I I And yet you, you know, you, you tend to, not always, but you tend to at least, like, doze and for a nap on the couch, and I don't I just don't do that. Do that. Yeah. It
gets uncomfortable in some ways. So Yeah. But I'm also, like, I will not be driven out of this fucking bed by my own body. It is not fucking happening. Yeah. It's probably not helpful, but, you know Mhmm. Whatever. And, you know, in other things, I, starting to get more comfortable with the K and M. Mhmm. Taking longer, further. Faster, stronger? Yes. That's a different thing. And, yeah. Now now I'm working on figuring out how to, work with the GoPro Mhmm. Media and software.
And that's, that's been a bit of a challenge, but I'm slowly getting there. And I've I've posted a couple of the clips I've made Mhmm. On, Instagram. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, yeah, it's it's pretty cool and I'm enjoying it. And, you know, the the last time I went out was out through the Ocala National Forest. Mhmm. And, beautiful drive. Apparently, I was fairly close to where the wildfires
are burning. And that's how I know I'm not keeping up with local news, because until you said something, I didn't know we had any wildfires happening. Yep. One morning I woke up, I guess the wind was blowing. It looked very hazy. There was smoke in the air.
And, outside that day, I was outside and, I'm watching this thing on the on the breeze and it's just like kinda drifting like a leaf, you know, it would be falling falling falling, but it didn't look right and it it as it was coming down it got it it got hung up on the windowsill. It was it was ash, it was a piece of ash. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Wow.
Yep. It's wild. But, yeah. After seeing where the, the fire we're not in any danger where but in relation where they are to us and how we've seen some of the smoke. Yeah. Maybe I should pay more attention to local news. Whoops. Okay. You know, no. It it's been cool and, you know, oddly enough, it it's really funny when I go down the road to that I take to get out to the roads on the Ocala National Forest, you know, they're populated to a certain point.
And once you get past the point of where there's the housing developments, and you're into where the forest, and you've got nothing but woods and swamp and everything, the temperature drop. There is at least a five degree temperature drop difference. I believe that. We feel that, depending on which side of town we're on. The side of town and where we live has become much more sprawling. But the side of town we're on is older. There's lots of trees. There's lots
of green space. Yeah. Yeah. These these houses here where we are, they actually have land between them. Right. Yeah. You you do not you cannot touch your neighbor by sticking your arm out your window. But down in I don't know. Is it south? Is it I don't fucking know what side of town it is, but there's a side of town that's being developed heavily and quickly. Yeah. And, yeah, I I watch the temperature gauge thing on the car go up and get there because there's not a lot of trees and not a lot
of green space. And then you get back here and you actually the temperature drop. And then you go out that direction, it drops even more again. So clearly, what I need to do is go whatever direction that is and get a slightly cooler temperature. So Anyhoo. Yeah. We should probably let these good folks go. But we're not gonna get to talk to them next week on on Wednesday. So, like, I wanna drag it out. I don't have anything to talk about. Well, no. No. No. I mean, did I complain about my
health and my body? Okay. Done. Did I complain about my sleep check? Okay. I'm always a proud mom, but there's nothing new to report. My mom will be here. My mom is so oh, that was funny. So my mom's coming, Thursday, the day after we record this, episode, and she's here for Mother's Day weekend and blah blah blah. And so she asks me, you know, what do you wanna do? And I'm like, I don't know. From my perspective, it's her day. You know? You're asking your child what I
want to do for Mother's Day. It's your day. I know I'm a mother, but you know, in that conversation. But she's like me. She's like, we're not going out to eat that day because I'm like, I know everybody takes their mama out on Mother's Day. I'm not I'm not being on those crabs. So we're both kind of at a loss. We're like, oh, we'll just hang out, whatever. Then JP does the really sweet thing and he goes, what do you want to do for Mother's Day? I'm like, I will be hosting
Mother's Day. So I don't I can't answer that question. And I was like, can we can I have a rain check? Because here's what I want. I want to do not a fucking thing. Yeah. And not, as I pointed out to JB, have to do it all on Saturday or make up for it later in the week because I didn't do it. Right. I want it to not be my responsibility, whatever it is I do on Sundays on Sunday. And I was like, that won't even be an option this week weekend. So I was like, can I get a rain
check and we'll we'll do this again? I'm like, I don't I don't know what I like, do I want gifts? Fuck off. I know. Do I want a special meal? He asked me after I'd eaten and I wasn't hungry. So I was like, I can't answer that. Sitting here now, I ate a decent lunch. I'm not hungry. I and I'm too fucking hot. I couldn't tell you if I want a special meal. I'm like, I just I want want to not be responsible for a fucking thing for one fucking day. That's what I want.
So my mom is getting that because she left her house and drove, like k. Eight hours, you know, east. So she's getting that wish. But yeah. It's like, don't it's it's sort of like asking me what I want for my birthday. Fuck if I know. I don't know. So but Alright. We should probably go. I know. Because we have other things to do, but I I think we've been here. I know you do. I I mean, it's, you know, it's a handful of folks, but I like
hanging out with a handful of folks. Actually, I would be very intimidated if we had, like, lots of people watching. I'd be like, nope. That's too many people perceiving me. I will take out it's small but mighty, comfy, let's chit chat. I don't know about what. I got nothing other than to tell you how fucking hot I am. Y'all know. Right. Y'all know you would like me to stop bitching about it so much. I know. I would do.
Dude. The only vindication I get about that is that you know and you have experienced touching me when I'm really super hot. No. I you know, when when you tell me you're you're having a hot flash and you're I I know because I have yeah. I've been there. Sitting at the doctor's office having a hot flash. I was just she'd handed me my mammogram results, and I was like, let me just use that as a fan. And there's, like, sweats dripping down the top. Oh my god.
Okay. We're good. We're good. But and now I could be here with everybody for a long time. I don't have anything to talk about. I guess I'd just stare into the camera, and y'all could stare back at me, but I don't know if that's good a good form of entertainment. I think I have questions for you. Some form of ASMR maybe? Oh, god. I you know, I know there are people who really like it. There's some people who do it really well. I tried. I was like, oh, will this, like, quiet my
loud brain? No. It it set me on edge and made me irrationally angry. And I went, okay. I am not a good I'm not that's not made for me. Okay. Nope. That one's not for me. Yep. So, anyway, I guess we have to go because we still have other things to do. That's true. We do. But I'm also standing in my own way of going to get a Diet Coke. That's true. Because I have to go pick up some prescriptions. So see? There's there's a lot on the
line here. But I just wanna I just wanna hang out and be with people in the way that y'all aren't in the same room with me, and I don't have to make eye contact with you. You know, like that. Be with people like that. That that doesn't sound probably unhealthy at all, does it? Okay. JB is now annoyed with me, so I guess I have to tell you that we're gonna go. Thanks for being here, especially to the bitter end.
We will not see you next Wednesday or podcast episode next Friday, but we will stream May 16, Friday night, '9 '30 PM Eastern. Hope to see you there. Mhmm. Okay. Fine. K. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye. I have to go now. Wow. That's, some baby girl right there. Powerful baby girl. Mhmm. I know.