Free Use and Blanket Consent in Power Exchange

- You are listening to the Living BDSM podcast, episode three 80, kill The Lords. Who are the one, the only, the guy who is consistently surprised and shocked by my snark and sass as if he's just met me. John Brownstone. . I mean, you're not new here, . You know how I am. - Some days it's just more intense, noticeable than others. Yeah, yeah, - Yeah. It's like I bottle it up and then it's like a, a Coke bottle that you shake and just - Yeah. Put Mentos in there and, oh, - Oh Lord.

Mentos would be if you egg me on or piss me off one of the two, uh, . That's, that's what the, putting the Mentos in the, the Coke. If you don't know that, just go Google that. You look it up on YouTube, whatever. Uh, if you do know, you know, if you know, you know, . Um, anyway, that's not at all what we're here No. To talk about this week, this week. Uh, we are talking about specific parts of what we would consider under the umbrella of consensual non-consent.

And that is free use and blanket consent. Uh, two terms that are kind of new to us, even though the concepts I don't think completely are welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education. And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app.

You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM PC that stands for podcast Y'all on Instagram and threads at that handle. I will forever fucking Hate Loving DSS and the number one. So that's at Loving DSS one, or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, where you can watch us live, stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. I was gonna keep going with that, but then you were hitting a magic button and I was like, okay, I'm, I need to stop now.

. Okay. Podcast listeners. Did I make an innuendo for the clit? Yes, I did. . And you didn't get to hear the first part, but that's what we're talking about. Okay, so before we get into today's topic, I have an announcement for the, did I do this late? Yes. Whatever. It's done now for the rest of the month of January.

All of our digital products on our Etsy shop, that's our 30 days of DSS workbooks, our long distance relationship workbook, our planner sheets, our habit trackers, all that good stuff. They're all 25% off this month. Why? Because a lot of people will start a new year and go, okay, it's time to work on some goals, work on some new habits. I'm gonna, you know, get some things right in my power exchange. And, uh, some of our products might actually be able to help you.

Our 30 days of DSS workbooks, there's the first one, and then there's volume two are prompts that can either be journal prompts if you're doing it solo or conversation starters if you're in a relationship to kind of work through and think through what DSS means to you and how you wanna navigate it. The first one is for basics. Like if you're brand new and you're still trying to figure shit out, start with just 30 days of dss.

If you're already in a relationship and you're starting to bump up against like the real life shit that's never part of the fantasy that's had in your head, then you want volume two. And then if you're in a long distance relationship, check out our LDR book. Uh, and then our planner sheets. There's, um, planner, they can be used, you can print them, it's a PDF or you can put it in a digital planner if you do that kind of thing.

Um, there's sheets for submissives to write down their tasks, their sheets for submissives. Technically DOMS can too, to track habits that trying to change. Mm-Hmm. , uh, we created a dominant accountability tracker, meaning submissive is trying to do things, but the dominant wants to try and track is it being done on their end? We have those there and they're all 25 person. Oh. So feel free to check that out on our Etsy shop link in the places. And there's no coupon required.

It's just an automatic, you just , you just get it. That's what you do. So, okay. Um, this topic. So in 2023, as an offhand comment, I mentioned, and I don't even remember what episode, that maybe we should do an episode on the concept of free use. 'cause that expression was being used. Mm-Hmm. a lot more frequently. Um, but I was like, yeah, we've kind of talked about it already.

'cause we've talked about the a another way of saying for use for many people is sexual availability, which is a part of our power exchange. And we had talked about that. I even thought that we had talked about, uh, consensual non-consent and then cannot find an episode where we talked about that. So maybe we'll do a broader overview at some point. Maybe we did and I just didn't type in the right words to find it. , I dunno, I that . So, um, is that

- Like the lost episode or something? You know, - Maybe So , because I have a clear memory of having conversations where we, you know, we're like, well, consensual non-consent can be this or might be that, blah, blah. And I thought this episode would be, um, addition to that. And then when I went back to like, to the archive, couldn't find what I thought was there. So that , this might be the first official conversation we've had on consensual non-consent.

I don't actually know. Um, and I say that because some people consider consensual non-consent completely separate from free use and blanket consent, which are the topics are going, the words we're gonna focus on today. To me, when I think of how all of these things work, I think consensual non-consent is a, is a blanket label that can mean many different things. And some of these things fall within that umbrella.

So there are some of the very specific role play scenes that people enact that are CNC. And then there are some things that people do that we'll get into with these definitions of free use and blanket consent that I personally, that's us definitely under the umbrella. And we will go from there and figure out if anybody else agrees now, because I'd heard the term for use and I was like, eh, but just 'cause I, I know a topic or think I know a phrase doesn't mean I actually know the phrase.

So I, I started digging around and I remembered that Evie Lupin had a video where she had talked about some of these terms. So I used her for research to try and get my, my head wrapped around the definitions. Okay, her video is linked in the places, please go watch it. 'cause she absolutely adds her insight and her view. She talks about consensual non-consent, not just these terms. Definitely worth a watch. I I was watching it yesterday. I was like, yeah, everybody needs to watch us.

Um, but we look at things through a very specific lens of power exchange. And that doesn't change the nature of these terms, but it can change the way we talk about them and view them. And so, you know, thank you Evie, for informing me. But also this is a separate conversation, um, for anybody who's like, oh, well, you're just talking about what Evie talked about. No, we're having our own conversation. Okay. Okay.

So I was gonna talk only about free use at first, and then I came across the term blanket consent and I went, oh, we definitely have to talk about this. 'cause I, this one, this one gave me the feels , and they were not necessarily positive feels . So before we get into these terms, uh, let me give the disclaimer.

I try to always give, when we're talking about terms and definitions and meanings and opinions about these things, um, you can for yourself define these differently than they are defined here. This is my understanding of these terms based on EV's video, based on other things I looked up. You can get to have your own kind of like more nuanced definition if you want. Also, you get to have your own opinion about whether these things are good or bad, should be practiced.

Like that's all personal and subjective. Just because we state maybe a definition or understanding of it, and we have a position maybe on what these things are and how they're used and whatever, whatever comes up does not mean that we say that you should have to agree with us. And so before you start typing the angry comment, just take a breath. Okay. It'll be okay. I'm not trying to tell anybody how to think. Okay. So that was a mouthful. Ooh. Because I know, I know how it gets .

I know how it gets. Okay. So, uh, I might have been misleading in the title and start with free use, but I wanna start with blanket consent. Okay. One, because that was a new to me term and also gave me feels, gave me so many feels. Okay. Okay. So blanket consent based on my understanding, thank you, Evie, is that consent is, can be in any kind of BDSM relationship. But let's talk about power exchange.

Consent is negotiated once at the very beginning of the relationship, and then it is assumed from then on out. It's like, I gave you consent to be my dom, here are my limits, here are my boundaries. However that conversation goes. Mm-Hmm. . And that can be very nuanced. Done. You don't have to check in for my consent. You don't have to get my consent. It is - What it is. - It is what it is. Now here's the thing that made me go, okay.

In a way you and I have that the only time you're checking in is if you're uncertain if there's something going on or if it's brand new. Mm-Hmm. the way my understanding of how it was kind of explained was there's no checking in. It's just these are the things you said that you would do, could do whatever. And then I just go from there. Um, apparently in these situations, yes, there can be safe words, not universally so, but they tend to only be used in true emergencies.

Like, I am physically injured while this thing is happening. Right. I'm having a mental breakdown right now. That kind of thing. Yes. Yeah. Um, and it's apparently for some people, not uncommon for submissives to have fewer limits. Not no limits. Nobody has no limits. Y'all come on. But fewer limits. Right. The one thing, um, that was said, and I agree with wholeheartedly, that blanket consent, uh, is an advanced level power exchange. - Yeah. And that, that doesn't sound like it.

You don't start there. Right. That I was gonna say, that doesn't sound like something, you know, somebody with uh, little to no experience just comes trotting up and says, okay. - Right. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because the thing is, is this kind of power exchange can, um, absolutely attract, and, and in king con general, it attracts predators. Mm-Hmm. , somebody's like, oh, I I'm your dom. You gave me permission to be your dom. That means I get to do what I want to do .

And the thing is, is if you are in the type of relationship where you've been together long enough, you know each other well enough, you've done the work to be open Mm-Hmm. and vulnerable and build that intimacy, you can probably have that. - Yeah. I mean us after the amount of time that we've been together. Right. Um, you know, there was a time I would think, oh my gosh, how could anybody play without a safe word?

Right. But we have been together enough and done enough things together that I have gotten to a point where I can read your body language now. Mm-Hmm. , um, you know, I, I can read your, - And also, you know that if it gets bad enough, I'm, I'm gonna yell red anyway. Yeah. It doesn't matter if I feel like something has gone off the rails, you know, I'm gonna say it. Right. We don't have to do a reminder before we start anything. Hey, do you know you're safe work? We're past that. Yeah.

So, you know, long established relationships where the trust has been earned and built and is con, you know, everything's consistent. You know, I think some people, and we, I was thinking maybe we have some of this as well without really even talking about it. Not completely, not across our whole relationship, but some of this. But no, if jojo sausage head rolls up to your dms and starts, they may not even use the term blanket consent.

They may do the, I wanna be your dom and you're gonna do whatever I tell you. And, you know, your personal wants and desires don't matter. Well, that person is an asshole, you know, abuser. And let's block and delete and move on. Um, the, um, the thing that, and it's something that Evie said, and, and I'm glad she said it, and I wanna reiterate it here, because it's a thing to remember the idea of just never having to like get your, your dom to check in and ask permission.

They just do understanding your limits, understanding boundaries, but they just do whatever and they, they're not asking you what you think. Right? Mm-Hmm. for some people that's gonna be better in fantasy than in real life. And that is okay. That's, that's the nature of a lot of kinks. They're way better in your head than they ever are being played out in real life. But it's also okay to admit that, to maybe try it and then go, huh? No. Or to modify it.

I saw in the livestream comments, rah rah was talking about you can have blanket consent over like one specific thing right. In, you know, between people. And I think that's perfectly valid of course as well. So you might go, oh, this, this kind of like, I'm here for blanket consent then Mm-Hmm. , you know, no thoughts, just vibes for me as the little s . Um, and then try it and go, oh no, that's like, I for a second was like, yeah, that's, that's kind of hot.

That's, that's kind of sexy. Mm-Hmm. And then I was like, no, I have too many opinions, , I have too many questions. I don't think that's gonna work for me. So as we're going through our definitions and understandings here, there's another part that I want JB here for. 'cause he reads the outlines, but I like him to hear the thing I'm saying. You finally just went and got your jacket, didn't you? Yeah. So the next, a layer from blanket consent, and I had never heard this okay.

Until Evie said it. And this is where I got all the feels. Okay. Irrevocable consent. So it's like, you might start with blanket consent. Mm-Hmm. , where you've already, you said what your things are in the beginning. And now Dom has free reign to do whatever they need to do. Consent is, you know, basically assumed from that initial whatever, irrevocable consent is sort of a next level up. And the way it was explained, I stopped breathing for a second. Okay. Consent can never be withdrawn.

It's irrevocable. It you, you once, you gave - It once given. - Now not can, let's just say, first of all, let me just say I do, no, not, not gonna ever recommend that not a fan. Do I think that there's some 10th of a 10th of a 10th of a percentage of kink or couples who could maybe make that work? Sure. I'm gonna say those people are the exception and not the fucking rule. Something about the idea of irrevocable consent makes my asshole tighten in the worst possible way.

Like I'm clenching real fucking hard because this idea that consent can never be withdrawn, that I could never be in a moment with you that was okay until it was not. And I couldn't make it stop. Like, the idea is that if, if consent needs to be withdrawn, basically you've ended the relationship. - And, and you know what? I find it slightly shocking and yet not. Because if you think about it, there are people who treat collars the same way. That is true. Okay. Is true.

You know, a a collar has as much, if not more meaning than, than a wedding band. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Alright. And, and once that collar is is put on, you know, it's, it's on. Right. You - Take - It off, you're - Severing something in the relationship. - Exactly. - And here's the thing, as a symbol for what that relationship means to you, I'm on board with that. It's not that for us, but I'm on board for with that. Yeah.

But that is the symbol of your relationship consent and the ability to keep yourself mentally, emotionally, physically safe. Mm-Hmm. - , - Fuck you and the horse you rode in on there, in my mind, there always has to be room for consent to be withdrawn, even if it's you walked into something eyes wide open and went, this may be wild and this may be hairy scary, but I want it. I'm down for it. I love it. I'm scared to death and I love it.

But oh, right now, uh, I'm, I'm about to be injured right now. A trigger I didn't know existed is fucking with my head. And I'm gonna be in therapy for 10 years because I had to go through with it. Somebody that I thought I could trust, I now can't trust. - Mm-Hmm. . - You know, you know. Yeah.

See what there's, I think for most people who can get to that level of maybe even contemplating something like irrevocable consent, especially if they start from like the blanket consent thing, they've probably built the relationship where there is total trust. Mm-Hmm. where there's total faith in one another. Yeah. - But - I can never forget that you were human and count fuck up. - Yeah. - And I love for people who believe that their dom hung the fucking moon.

I think you hung the moon. But I'm very well aware that you put your damn pants on one leg at a time and might stumble and trip over yourself. 'cause we're human. Yeah. Like you are my everything, but also you are not infallible. - No. - You know what I mean? So you can fuck up. I can think I've told you everything and have forgotten a thing, maybe hid a thing for myself that I didn't wanna admit to you.

And now I'm in a situation where I let you do a thing that you should never have done because I didn't do something I should have done. Mm-Hmm. . Why? Because I'm fucking human. So this idea that consent can't be revoked. - Yeah. - And I, I say this Mm-Hmm. . And I'm, I do mean this. It probably doesn't come out this way. I'm not trying to yuck on anybody's yum or kink shame or say that you are not allowed. You are allowed to do whatever the fuck you wanna do.

But if anybody comes to ask me if I think that's a good idea, I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna say I advise against that. I'm gonna say, yeah, but there better be a break glass for emergency something fucking something. Mm-Hmm. . Because that is the reality of life. Yeah. Like, things can be going on perfectly. You can never have a mishap in the bedroom or outta the bedroom in your relationship. Everything can be smooth fucking sailing until it's not.

Until it's not. And if you think whoever you might be that you can predict that and work around that, well then when did you become God? Uh, did you get an official name tag for that? Do you clock in somewhere for - That ? - Because it's just not how life works. Mm-Hmm. - . It's - Just how life works.

- But, you know, and, and again, and something that, that, um, X brought up in the chat, you know, if if you're the person who says, you know, that irrevocable consent, you know, is is something to them, then maybe it's not the person you want to be with. And and that may be absolutely true if that's something that is not for you. But that made me think years ago when I first came into the community, um, there were people who heartfelt believed that you should never have feelings.

- Oh god. Yeah. - For, for for your submissive. Yeah. I remember having, having feelings then jade's your, um, I need a word decision making. Your, your, your decision making in, you know, how to be a, a strong dom or a good dominant, you know, sadist - The one true way. Yeah. Uhhuh , uhhuh . - And, and not even necessarily one true way. It it's just that they believe that feels you - Can't be a good, right. Yeah. That's a, that is a type of one truism.

'cause what does that say to every dom who's in love with their submissive? Yeah. It's just another, it's another way of getting to the same thing of this is the quote Right. Way. And that explains, and some people may never come up against it these days, but every once in a while I see it, and I have seen it in the past where people will go, you're, are you allowed to be in a relationship outside of DSS with your, with, with this partner? Are you allowed to get together outside of the scene?

And I think it comes from that sort of older way of, of thinking there. Prob I'm sure there are still pockets of communities around the world - That Yeah. - Who still talk about that kind of thing. Right. You know, and I think it's okay not to be in love or not to have deep feelings, but I would like you to have enough feelings that you care about my humanity . - Well, that, that is, that is, that is absolutely true. That is absolutely true.

I mean, you know, not everybody wants a relationship in that aspect. Mm-Hmm. , you know, and some, and there are people who do want a relationship. Right. You know, combined with that. So, you know, again, it's a matter of what you want. Mm-Hmm. . And I think it, you know, the kind of comes down to the same thing with this. - So Yes. And I, and I agree and I agree. I'm gonna, I'm trying to breathe. So irrevocable consent really grinds my fucking gears.

If you couldn't tell , let's back up, because I've based, I've tried to define blanket consent. Consent is negotiated once and then assumed from there. Safe words are, it's not always, not everyone, but in general it's limited use. Like, like you and I can be having a conversation and you could suggest something and I might immediately know it's a hard no. And I'll go red. Right. and I And I'm sure that that's, you know, it's a tongue in cheek of Okay. That's not what we actually meant.

Um, I know there are some people who will, who will safe word in an argument, who will safe word. Mm-Hmm. just when they get a, not when they are at the end of their limit, or they're like worried about, you know, harm being done, but like, they just, they want this moment to stop and everybody has the right to do that. Y'all, first of all.

But I, my understanding from this part of blanket consent then, that I've recently learned about, is that that would be non-existent to completely rare to just have be uncomfortable. Mm-Hmm. and, and safe word out. Now, me personally, I cannot think of the last time that not hard limit, not fear, not pain. Not everything's going horribly wrong. What the fuck is wrong? Mm-Hmm. . Not that, but like, I am uncomfortable with what we're doing right now, and I'm, I'm uncertain or uncomfortable.

I cannot remember the last time I safe word for that. If you safe word for that. That is, okay, let me reiterate that. So that's another place where I go, okay, maybe we do more blanket consent than I realized. Yeah. Then I get to the whole, um, it's, you know, under blanket consent, submiss submissive tend to have fewer limits. And I'm like, okay, no, I don't count here because I don't, I don't, I have plenty of limits. And sometimes I think, wow, I have a lot of limits.

, you are allowed to do these things, but only on Tuesday under the full moon, when Saturn is in the sky or something. You know what I mean? - . Yeah. Like, - And I, I definitely know that there are plenty of sters who are like, nah, I don't want a partner that's so narrow in what they will allow. Mm-Hmm. that, like we've talked about in the past, we don't play to the edge of my boundaries. Mm-Hmm. . It's a, here are my boundaries. They're a fence. You try to play within the center of it.

Right. 'cause we're not actually trying to get me to safe word. We're trying Mm-Hmm. for everybody to have a good time together. Right. Not just you to have a good time. For me to have a good time. Doesn't mean you don't push me sometimes. Definitely pushes. We're like on the western side of the gate, next, next to the fence. We're real close to the fence, but we didn't touch it . And sometimes we're dead in the center. And those are the ones I like.

Um, , I don't know if that metaphor makes any sense. I can see it in my head. Uh, it's okay if you can't. Um, so that's why I kinda think, well, maybe we do a little bit of blanket consent. We just haven't talked about it that way. Mm-Hmm. . We just haven't thought about it that way. But what do you think about just the idea of blanket consent? We'll come back. We're not talking about irrevocable.

That one just pisses me off. Um, just the idea of blanket consent, - The idea of blanket consent in a sense doesn't bother me. Um, I don't really find anything upsetting about it. Well, no, but I - Mean, I mean, what do you think about it for us? Mm-Hmm. ? Like, do you think that we follow under it and or do you have any thoughts of like, oh, people should be concerned about this, they should watch out for that. That's where my mind goes. Yeah. - I mean, do I think we fall under it?

I I think we do a little bit to a certain extent with some of the things that we do. Um, and you're right. It wasn't something we negotiated. I think it was just something that kind of developed as our, our dss - Right. Because I think developed, it goes back to the trust and the vulnerability we've had that we know each other well enough. Very rarely, excuse me. Very rarely do we surprise each other within our power exchange in general.

And when we do, it's almost never like a negative surprise. Like, what the fuck just happened here? Mm-Hmm. , we're both pretty solid and stable in what we already do. What we already want. How we already are with one another. So one that doesn't, that means for us, you don't have to constantly go, are you good with this? Are you good with this? Mm-Hmm. , you know, you might check in during scenes where there's sure sensation going on and we're, we're playing on the edge of the fence there.

Mm-Hmm. . But in general, you don't, you don't have to ask me, Hey, is this okay with you? Hey, does this work for you? Because, you know, at this point, right. Yeah. And I, that makes me wonder if, um, more long-term couples get to some level of blanket consent. Mm-Hmm. without ever realizing it. Because it's like, yeah, I know who you are. You've consented to this. Mm-Hmm. .

I also, and I think to me, this is where things like blanket terms, like blanket and consent make me a little nervous when they're not, when the, the definition is a little shaky. Wibbly wobbly. Mm-Hmm. . Because at no point in the discussion that I've heard about blanket consent, to be fair, it's been not been that many. Right? Mm-Hmm. . Is it like, yeah, but I'm definitely gonna safe word.

Like the thing that made my eyebrows go is that safe words are sometimes are, if they're used, it's really only in true emergencies. Yeah. That's fine. I know that there are people who play like that, right? Mm-Hmm. . And that, that's fine. That's fine. I'm not, I don't, I care what you do. 'cause I want everybody to be happy, healthy, and, you know, whatever. Sure. But also I don't care 'cause it's your life. Do it.

But when I think about it, like if somebody were to ask me about it, I'm gonna be like, but shit can come up that you didn't expect. Even after all this time, shit can come up. I mean, it's, it's rare Yeah. When it happens. But if I need to let you know that, you know, hey, I, we will get to free use in a minute, but like blanket consent would, would include free use. Free use. Mm-Hmm. to me would be kind of together with it.

Another whatever. Be like, okay, well yeah, uh, you have my blanket consent to fuck me, but I am spewing vomit and shit. It's coming out both ends. Or I, I'm, I don't wanna do this. Are you sure you wanna do this? Like, I'm gonna have that conversation. I think most people, most dumbs who get to a level where they can do blanket consent are gonna go, wow. Uh, my partner's leaking from both ends. , I don't find that in any way Interesting. And don't like to break my toys. So therefore Yeah.

They, I'm not gonna put them in a position Mm-Hmm. to have to like revoke consent. And maybe that's it. Maybe that's the thing that the missing piece that for long-term relationships that get to blanket consent in some form, it's not that there's no safe word to use, it's that they are not gonna put their partner in a position where they need to, you know? Do I think that would happen with all people in all those situations? Of course not. Mm-Hmm. .

But I would think that maybe, I would like to believe the optimist to me would like to believe that if you're that long term Mm-Hmm. to get to that point and the trust is there and it's a healthy relationship that the reason that this, the, uh, safe word isn't used often is not because the submissive partner can't, or the dominant, let's be real. Mm-Hmm. . But because they don't need to. Yeah.

I mean, do you find it sexy to fuck me senseless when I'm like coughing up along sn snotty little nose and my eyes are red roomed . Right. . Do you, do you think that I would consent to that? No. Right. So would you place that demand on me? No. No. So then I don't need to safe word out. Mm-Hmm. , I don't need to, to withdraw my consent. I wonder if that is more the air quote this 'cause nothing's normal, but more the norm. Mm-Hmm. In those kinds of situations.

It's not that people don't have the safe word, it's that they don't need it. - Need it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we, we haven't really used a safe word in a long time. You and I. Mm-Hmm. - . Mm-Hmm. - . Now when we are playing, you know, doing some kind of play, I do check in with you and ask you for a color. - Yes. Yes. I mean, part of it is we're outside of our normal whatever, there's lots going on. Mm-Hmm. we're doing new st Like there's all kinds of Yeah. Yeah. I could see that.

- So, you know, I, I do that. But yeah, as far as far as the safe word, no, we haven't really. Yeah, go ahead. Let her in. And, um, you know, a again, that, that kind of goes back to what you were saying earlier, that you know, we, we know, I know your limits and we play within that. - Right. And I can trust you to do that. I don't have to be on guard. Mm-Hmm. , I don't remember really being on guard in the beginning.

Partly because you were, I mean, you were constantly checking in, so there was no, you know. Yeah. I didn't have to question whether you, you knew anything you would ask me directly. And then we got to a point where you didn't have to check in and I didn't need you to, because I try, that goes back to the whole blanket consent as a relationship style. Like a a an overall guiding light to the relationship. Mm-Hmm. The power exchange is absolutely an advanced level kind of thing.

Rah points out in live chat that when you don't, you get to a point, you don't have to ask for permission for hugs and kisses from a partner that's blanket consent. True. And that is the thing you get to faster than in your relationship. I just take care of everything as the dumb mm-Hmm. , you don't say for it unless it's a medical emergency. Your limits are, you know, whatever. Yeah. Like, I think these are levels to this thing.

And I think a lot of people in relationships get to some level of blanket consent because you've got things like, I don't have to ask you if I can hold your hand. I don't have to ask you if I can do this thing for you. Mm-Hmm. , I don't, you know, you don't have to ask if you can touch me. True. Like we are way past that point. Yes. I agree. That is a form of blanket consent. The part where it makes my mind just, there's like tires screeching in my brain.

is when we're talk, talking about it, is the overarching guiding light of the entire power exchange. Well, now I have questions, . Yeah. Now I have questions. And again, I'm sure there are people who can make it work and probab and, and likely do. But I still think that there's gonna be some realism, um, that has to factor in. There's gonna be a time, like the weirdest fucking thing ever happens that you couldn't have prepared for.

There's gonna be a time when your part, the dom who sees all, knows all, doesn't see all and know all, you know me very well. You can at this point kind of tell what I'm thinking from across the room based on my facial expression. That doesn't mean that there aren't moments where you don't see my face or Mm-Hmm. , you know, I don't communicate in my typical ways that something has gone wrong and I have to be explicit about it.

Right. To put the total burden on you to always just know I will, I don't think I'll ever think is fair. I'm way too anxious for our entire relationship to be blanket consent. 'cause my brain goes immediately to the what ifs. Of course. What, what if this happens and he doesn't see it? Mm-Hmm. . What if that happens? What if something goes wrong with him? But he doesn't get a chance to tell me what if like, I mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. I trust you completely. But I'm way too anxious.

I'm way too realistic to go, but that doesn't mean that weird shit won't happen. And what am I gonna do if it does? You know what I mean? So maybe for some, not all, some people who are drawn to blanket consent, there might be the need for a bit of suspend. They gotta suspend disbelief a little bit and go Yes, blanket consent. I very rarely use my safe word. I don't really have that many limits. We're at that point, I don't have to, we don't have to talk about this all the time.

But also I'm very aware that there could be the extenuating circumstance and then yes, this withdrawing consent. Is there safe word's there? I'm gonna put a new place, a new limit if I need to. It's just, maybe it's just that, it's the understanding that most times in most situations, yes, blanket consent. Mm-hmm. . But weird should happens.

And in long term relationships, mature relationships where you kind of, you, you bend through it together and survived to get out to the other end and still like one another. . I think that's, I mean, I, I get a sense from a, you know, from people I know from us. I think that's kind of just how you get to, it's like, yeah, we're good. We don't have to talk about this all the time. We'll talk about it when we need to, you know, but yeah. You got, you got blanket consent.

But I'll, I'll throw a flag up if something weird fucking happens. I, you know, . Yeah. I don't, I, and I don't, I feel like we're, I'm still too new to be able to say this. I'm, but the thought is there is it that I don't, I I would never say that long-term relationships lose intensity completely. I would never make that kind of statement. The intensity, the passion, the intensity for one another. The intensity for how you feel about what you're doing.

The role. Like, I think that that can, that can remain. I do think that over time people tend to relax because it becomes like just your normal thing. Mm-Hmm. . But I wonder if it is not just my experience and other people, people have this too, where the intensity of, let me look deep into your eyes and make sure everything is okay. And we're gonna go through our five point plan to make sure we have total consent.

Like, I, I think that after a while, I think people calm down is what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Yeah. I think what that means is unique to all of us. I think the amount of time it takes you to get away from some of the intensity of early beginnings of a relationship or early days in kink takes a different amount of time for everybody. I think it is ba it's relationship to relationship.

Like I, I think all of that, I think all of the nuance things, but I think there might be some truth for some of us, myself included, that the, the focus and the, okay, are we communicating fully? Are we fully understood? Mm-Hmm. Have we got full consent? We remember our safe order like that. Just like it's there, but it's the background now. Yeah. It's the, it's the muscle memory of the relationship. I don't have to be that intense. I don't, I don't like it's that serious.

And it is not that serious because it's just a part, it's like breathing at this point. This is a part of what we do. Yeah. Um, and it's understood. And I think that's where parts of blanket consent maybe come in as well. Are you doing okay over there? ? I think you got yourself too warm and cozy. . Yeah. - . Now I'm getting comfortable. - Yeah. Uh, podcast listeners. You can't see it. He tried real hard to be subtle, but that was a big old yawn. . - . - And then I made you cough. Yeah. Okay.

So I would say blanket consent is probably more common in long-term relationships than people realize. Yeah. But I don't think, I think that people who go full in their entire dynamic is all blanket consent. I think they're the exceptions. Not the rule is what Mm-Hmm. . I'm, I'm imagining. So, uh, let's go to the one that we have kind of talked about. We just used a different term. Mm-Hmm. .

And actually, I wanna expand on it because Evie came in with the actual good nuance of, it's not just this. And that was the thing that we did not talk about when we talked about sexual availability last time. And that is free use the kink definition. Side note slash caveat. Apparently there is a vanilla definition. Thank you Evie, for teaching me this. Excuse me.

That has to do with this sort of fantasy that you might see in erotica, you might see in porn, you might see in like media of some sort and even online communities that build this fantasy, a vanilla use of free use where sex is universal and it is as common as shaking somebody's hand. And, and , apparently she went down like some rabbit holes of learning what this is. I did not want to drag that into this. And it's not our wheelhouse.

Another good reason to go watch Evie's video , because I was like, this is sort of fascinating. And also, no, no, that kind of free use concept. Uh, I'm not down for not part of my fantasy . So we're gonna talk about the kink version of for use. Now, when I went to double check myself with, okay, how are people using for use? What does it mean? Overwhelmingly the definition was similar to the way we say sexual a availability. Mm-Hmm. . It is being sexually available to a partner.

They can use you sexually whenever the fuck they feel like and - Time point. Yeah. - Right? And we technically have that. And also I married a mature fucking adult who goes, you know what? She's leaking from both ends. That's, I don't find that particularly sexy . And she's not going to enjoy that. So therefore Mm-Hmm. . But he's also the guy that's like, well, I woke up with a woody and yeah, she's over there snoring, but we gonna get this going.

And then proceeds to pour accidentally the cold lube all over me. , I was definitely awake after that. I was not, not not cranky, let's just put it that way. . . But he, he got what he needed and that Woody did not go to waste . Um, I think that is the, a very common understanding of free use. Mm-Hmm. . But thank you Evie, for like breaking it down, adding nuance, talking about it from a kink perspective that then, you know, we can talk about from a power exchange specific perspective.

Um, and that is okay. It's, and what Evie said is she feels like it's separate from blanket consent. Mm-Hmm. . And the difference is subtle, but they're two separate things. And I think we, you can decide individually if you think that or not, consent is assumed after initial negotiations. Meaning there are the negotiations. Yeah. Here are my limits, here are the things it won't do here, blah, blah, blah.

After that, anything the dom wants to do, whether it's been previously discussed or not, it is assumed they have consent for them. And the most , oh, he made a little face there . And yes, I think the most common understanding of that is sexually, but in kink, of course, it doesn't have to be sexually, it can be for hall kinds of things. Yeah. Um, - I, I think, I guess that that sigh comes in because I don't like the word assumed. - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Yep. I, I agree.

Let, let me keep going through this more better understanding thing to e free use is sort of the, and we've heard this, we usually hear this from the posers, the abusers, the predators. Mm-Hmm. . But this is like apparently a relationship style. A submissive is meant to do whatever the dom wants because the submissive belongs to the dom. Now I know plenty of subs and doms who find the whole belonging thing, whether you do the owner slave thing or not, they find that very appealing.

They find it sexy, they find it like that's what they want. They want to belong to somebody. I want to belong to you. We don't really use that relationship, that relationship, that language, that term Yeah. In our relationship. But you're mine. And I'm yours. But that can be true in any dynamic . But in this dynamic it is because you belong to me. I can literally do whatever I want.

Now, I would hope that is with the maybe unspoken understanding of within the, the boundaries we previously negotiated and discussed. But my question is, 'cause I have, I didn't really, I don't think I've really seen it explained is what, how do you adjust? I gave you my boundaries limits on day one when I was fresh faced, little submissive who thought she knew shit and didn't know nothing . But now we're two years in and shit has changed for me.

. You know what I mean? The things I used to be kind of interested in, not interested in the things I thought were off limits might be on. Like the thing, I don't, I didn't really hear it, I didn't hear it discussed in blanket consent. I didn't hear it discussed in free use is how the fuck do you renegotiate if every moment of every day the dom just gets, assumes they have consent or gets to, they have the consent so they just do what they want. Mm-Hmm. .

- Now that I think that goes into the, um, realm of, um, something you mentioned earlier that there are some people who have a safe word. Mm-Hmm. . When certain things get too intense in their dss, they have a safe word. The DS ends, they step out of the, out of that Mm-Hmm. . And, and they talk and they negotiate and maybe, you know, and, and go from there. Um, there is was someone I knew years ago that had a, once their partner signed on to be their sub, they, they were there to do whatever

they were told to do. I'm too - Anxious for that. I'm too anxious - For that . And, and their, their, their safe, um, their safety net so to speak, was they ag prior to this. And as part of their negotiation, they agreed to a particular person who would be a third party negotiator. - Right. They have a mediator. Yeah. When something goes down. Right. I guess I think the part that, and again, maybe it's, it's an, it's free use is better for longer term relationships where the trust is solid.

Right. And you know, one another really well, that is the part that I just, I struggle with the how do we renegotiate? Because when I hear, and again, hearing somebody talk about it from a fantasy point of view is so much different than the, the lived reality. Right. And the lived reality tells me in my lived reality means I know shit will change. Mm-Hmm. , your body will change, your mental health will change.

Your outlook on things will change your desire, - Your physical health changes, - Everything changes at some point. And what I don't feel like I've, I've heard discussed that I heard discussed even in that pairing that we were at the workshop and learned about. Mm. And in other places is, okay, but are you prepared for shit to change? And is it gonna be some sort of unpleasant shock when I have to go to my mediator and go, yeah, things have changed me. I need to renegotiate.

Like I I'm imagining that the happy, healthy, responsible sters who partake in any of this Absolutely. Have those fail safes in place. Mm-Hmm. . Because just to, uh, you know, and a five word definition of something never encompasses all of the nuances. And I think true, the, the kinks who are trying to be risk aware and to think of safety are gonna have that in place. But I think too often, because that part never seems to get fucking discussed the reality of that.

Yeah. 'cause it's not sexy and we can't airbrush it in black and white and put it on Tumblr. Mm-Hmm. that part doesn't get discussed. So people come into it and they go, oh, well I'm the dom. I get to do what I want. 'cause we do practice free use. Yeah. And like, but where's the conversation? That shit will change because the people we are, when we start the relationship, and maybe we don't have kids yet, maybe we don't have a stressful job right now.

Yeah. Maybe we're not living together and hearing each other shit in the bathroom. Like it's a different life once you get to that point. Right. Like once you know what your partner sounds like in their grossest moments, their most human, but their grossest moments. And I'm not saying JB is the only one here that has his grossest moments. So do I I just feel like, like blinders need to come off at that point.

And we have to go, oh, we are full messy human beings and that means that this thing that we've started with that's working for us for now, or worked for us, then w it's gonna change because Sure. It ain't the fantasy anymore. , once you can hear the snotty sounds your partner makes, I say that it's a partner who makes snotty sounds. I'm, this is not me poking at jb. This is just, let's be fucking real here. Right. So free use sounds in a healthy dynamic sounds great.

But where's, where's your, your safety Yeah. Cord. Like ring the bell, right? Mm-Hmm. like, Hey, you can do what you want, but I need us to reconstruct what it is you can do that you want. Right. Here's some things I've discovered about myself. Here's some things we've gone through. Here's some things that happen when we're in that situation. And I don't think that's healthy for me. Mm-Hmm.

. And that's, I think that's the reason I wanna talk about this, is not to go, here's what free use means. It's like, yeah, but let's get fucking real with it. , I don't know what free use means outside of sexual availability. And I think that, again, that is the most common usage of that term. And what I know is that it's on paper free use. I am always sexually available to him.

But let me put an asterisk and we're gonna do a footnote at the, at the bottom footnote, if I have a migraine and I communicate that he is not fucking me. If I am deathly ill, he's not fucking me. If my, and now again, I have to communicate these things. If my stomach hurts Mm-Hmm. and I am bloated and gassy, nobody wants to fuck me. Yeah. Okay. like, like the sexual availability all the time. Whenever your dom wants it, except here's the fucking reality.

- Yeah. - Or outside of sexual availability, whatever the dom wants. Well that's fine. If the dom is trustworthy. True. If the dom is true sensible, and it's like, okay, yeah, I'm gonna be a real asshole ass person and go, okay. The fantasy is I want my partner crawling through the living room to me on their knees with just their collar on naked, naked neck and neck. That, and they will do it 'cause I said so and they wanna please me.

Reality is we have children at home from this time to that time, and they will not go to bed until this time. And hey, if they're of a certain age, they will most certainly wake up and come running through the house. And so I want that thing as the the dom, but I can't fucking have that thing right now. When I can't have that thing, I will have that thing and maybe I'll talk to my partner about it and tease him and like, you know, get 'em gassed up about it, woo, woo woo.

And then the moment we are like, fucking kid free for 30 seconds, I can have the thing I want that is fucking realistic. You know what I mean? Yeah. Let's take it on. Not everybody's a parent. Not everybody wants to be a parent. More power to you. I think that's great. Know who you are and like fucking honor it. Okay. We don't have kids, we can do that. Oh shit. My partner slipped on an icy staircase coming in the house earlier. They can't crawl for shit. Yeah. I want it. Mm-Hmm. Yeah.

I want it, it turns me the fuck on 'em. Been thinking about it all day. However, what's in the best interest of my sub is they sit their ass down and elevate that fucking leg. Right. Right. You know what I mean? Like, that's the reality when we're talking about healthy partners, that doesn't get fucking discussed. And I know I'm boring by making you think of the non-sexy parts of it. I get it. But if all we talk about is the fantasy, then when somebody's like, oh, hi, I have to, I can't do that.

Yeah. For you. You can tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I physically can't do it, then they think they're a fucking failure. They've done free use wrong. Or somebody on the internet's gonna tell 'em, that's not real free use that you allowed reality to enter the fantasy. You know? I mean, - Fuck. Yeah. - Sorry, I, I'm hot now. , I'm just wearing a sports bra under this, so I'm not gonna take it off. But I do want to . I think I raised my own blood pressure.

- I think you did. I think you did. And you know, I, I think it comes down to whichever one you're, you're, you're looking at whether it's, it's the, uh, blanket or, or free use. Um, you know, again, they are not, they are terms, they are not something written in stone. - Yes. And I want everybody to remember that - And, and you know, you can do with it what you, what you will.

Yes. All right. Yes. Um, you know, you can have one thing under the blanket, you know, under free use and, and just do that and that that's all that it is to you. Or you can go all in. Mm-Hmm. , - As long as you understand that reality will invade at some point. Sure. You can go all in and it can work until it doesn't. And then you have to be willing to adjust. You have to understand that needing to adjust is not a failing on anybody's part.

Right. No. It doesn't mean that your blanket consent, free use, whatever dynamic you've got going is invalid or not real. Or the internet said this is what it's supposed to be . But I can't make that happen. Well, the internet is frequently wrong, so, and I recognize that we are on the internet, and so you can think that we are frequently wrong. It's fine. I, I understand what I'm saying, , you know, but I think it's the Yeah.

The part that gets me is when we start talking about these terms, and not that Evie did, Evie was trying to show all these nuances, but my brain was immediately going to how it would be put into practice by many, well-meaning, but not experienced people yet. And the, the, the, I lost my, the train, the train went off the tracks. You know, people think of it as these terms where it's set in stone what it means. Mm-Hmm. . And so then that's how people talk about on the internet.

Well, it's this thing and if you're not doing this thing, you're not really doing it. Right. That will always, always piss me off because we just know that's not true. And so when somebody is talking about free use, blanket consent, pick one, pick one, pick one as a thing that they're interested in exploring or they're trying to educate others who are interested in exploring. Mm-Hmm. - , - I think it's important to do that with nuance.

That's what I was saying. Not that Evie didn't, Evie definitely did, but to go Okay. This is the ideal, in your ideal world where nothing ever goes wrong, what would this look like? Okay. That's where we start. Now, let's have real life grownup conversations about what - We do - When shit doesn't go according to plan. Mm-Hmm. . Because now this is me and I, I handle things my way.

You'll handle things your way. But if you were to come to me and go, I want a free use DSS relationship, that's what I wanna change our dynamic to that freeze. Mm-Hmm. , you belong to me. You do what I say when consent in any situation is assumed I can do what I want with you, you belong to me. Right. And we flirt with that language. You, you know, say don't break your toys, and you mean me. You don't mean your fogger. Right. Right. , we flirt with that language.

I need to, before I can agree to it, I need to be able to go, okay, can you, do you know my limits? Mm-Hmm. , what do we do when you ask me to do something that puts my health in danger, that triggers a, a psychological moment. Right? Mm-Hmm. like, what, what is the plan for that? How do I communicate to you where I'm at? So you make choices and demands that keep me healthy and whole.

Right. And, you know, I think I would imagine long-term sters who have had either plenty of relationships or there's plenty of experience, will be more likely to ask those kinds of questions or lead the conversation in that place of, okay, we, we can, I can go here, but what do we do when things go wrong? , it is the folks who maybe saw one TikTok about free use. I'm like, yeah, sure. That sounds hot. That, you know. Am I, am I trying, trying to warn? Yeah.

Also, I'm trying to validate anybody who's ever been like, I would like for use, but also, you know, I, I've got too many concerns. I, I don't trust my partner enough yet. I don't trust anybody enough yet. Like, it sounds hot to me, or we tried it and it didn't work. Well, did it not work because it wasn't right for you? Or did it not work because it didn't match the fantasy? Because there is a reality that we all have to contend with every moment of every fucking day, like , you know?

And hopefully more often than not, reality, just like ticks along and you can do your hot, erotic, kinky whatever, whatever thing, and live that life and it won't intrude. But anybody who has lived top side for, you know, enough years for your brain to have fully Yeah. Developed, knows that something's gonna go wrong. - I mean, then, and, and that - At some point of eventually, - And that is a fact. And, and that may be something that is already in the negotiations.

What happens, you know, in life. - And that would be the thing. I'm, I guess I'm trying to angrily impart in a, in a nonsensical rant. It's not that these things are invalid. Blanket consent is not invalid. Free use is not invalid. It is not, quote, a wrong way to do a power exchange or kink in general. I would never say that. I just think that to have the best chance of success, you've got to have the grownup conversations about. But what about when something goes wrong? Yeah.

And for subs out there who are, who are trying, having conversations with D types, if they can't admit anything will go wrong, I want you to fucking run. Yeah. And run until they can't admit shit goes wrong. - Run for the hills. - Because that's the whole point of doing any risk mitigation in kink is acknowledging that something will go wrong at some point. Something can, and doesn't matter how well trained you are, doesn't matter how much experience you have.

Mm-Hmm. . It's just, it's just the nature of life. Something will go wrong. Sometimes it'll be human error. Sometimes it'll just be the fates we're not your friend that day. Like, I don't know what it'll be, but it'll be something. And it's not always malicious. And I think that's part of the thing too. Insecure doms. Okay. They're not necessarily bad, they're not unhealthy necessarily. They can be insecure.

Doms in my experience, cannot handle being questioned about what you going do when it goes wrong. I cringe and get a little nauseous every time I see some dom dom somewhere on the internet not usually talking to me. I'm lurking and observing conversations Yeah. Is how I learn everything. I know. Uh, will say things like, well, I'm not going to make a mistake. You are a dumb ass because the secure dom is gonna go Yeah. Something could, something could go wrong.

I'm gonna do my best not to let it - Happen. I'm, I'm gonna do my best to prevent anything from happening. But, - And I'm sure the type of dom who would say they can never do no wrong is not just an insecure dom, but there is insecurity there if, if you have to like, yell that loudly that you don't make mistakes. Like that's just projection baby. Yeah. You know? - Yeah. . - Yeah. I didn't know this would be that ranty.

Oh, let me add one thing to the free use conversation for anybody who's maybe exploring it, and I just wanna make sure we said it. Mm-Hmm. Evie says it too. And I want us to say it. Okay. Uh, when, if you start talking about free use with a partner and your negotiations, be very clear what you mean by that in terms of, are you, is it just you and your dom? I'm saying this is a sub. Is it just you, the two of you? Mm-Hmm. . And the dom has free use between the two of you?

Or, and I, I've read about it in erotica. I didn't think about it in real life. Or is it the dom can loan you out and put you in situations with friends with not friends, just people that they arrange things with. Right. Can they share you? Um, because that's an another definitely advanced level , uh, free use situation there. Mm-Hmm. . Ooh. That, that's not beginner. That's not intermediate. Y'all . That is the PhD level kink experience to be shared by a partner.

Mm-Hmm. . And to have full faith that they will listen to you if something goes wrong. Mm-Hmm. , they're paying enough attention to try to manage well, things go wrong. And did they pick safe people for you to be around? You could. I mean, I find it really hot. Actually, you could share me, but before we get to that point, this is why we don't do full free use. 'cause it'll never work. I got too many fucking questions. . Okay. You, there are some things JB can just tell me to do and I just do.

Right. Um, and when it comes to, to actual like sex and sexual pleasure, free use all the way, baby is fine because he's gonna pay attention and listen to my signals and listen to me if I tell him something's wrong. Mm-Hmm. . But if you just like, come up to me and go, I'm gonna need you to do this thing that is so far outside of your comfort zone. I know that you're peeing a little bit right now just thinking about it, that you're that nervous.

Uh, you know, I, I, I can't do free use and that 'cause I got too many fucking questions and I'm gonna go, well, did you vet them? Did you check this? Did I'm gonna make you question yourself. And are you a sane human being who knows how to function in society? Because I'm gonna be triple fucking checking. That's why I know. I I'm not about that life. Could we do a thing where you share me and the fantasy is its free use, but actually we sat down for four business days

and hammered out all the details. Yeah. - . Yes. Yes. - And I think that's another thing to remember is you can play with the fantasy of a thing, but like, and in the moment the fantasy is it's free use completely. Right. But in the background where things are real Mm-Hmm. , you're like, but actually no, we have a, a checklist here. Okay. Right. And background checks for these people .

And also I've a place cameras everywhere and I can watch this from like, ain't nothing fucked up happening here. And still something fucked up will happen. 'cause that's the nature of life. . - Oh wow. - Okay. That was the thing when I was looking at this definition of free use of, you know, the sub belongs to the dom, they can do whatever they want, blah, blah, blah, blah. But their sub yada yada.

I was like, I mean, part of me is like, I, I'm, I think I'd be okay with some level of that beyond the way we use for use. But then I'm like, but I just, I got too much to say about shit. Like , I got too many questions. I got too many opinions. As I stated earlier, I got a lot of fucking limits. , - just, huh. - Anyway, I didn't, I did not know I would find this, this one to be really - Windy. I didn't need that. I didn't need - That.

I should have known when I started off with that whole irrevocable consent thing. Mm-Hmm. . - Mm-Hmm . - When it just, the idea of, it's something about it just, mm. I, all of this, I can admit that there are people out there who do it at the highest level possible with the least amount of Yeah. Safety protocols, whatever. And they probably do it fine, but I still think they're accept the exception of the rule.

- Here's, here's the thing. Yeah. It may be the deception rule and but do you think, and to me it sounds a little too cut and dry to where, you know, you say, okay, you know, once consent is withdrawn, the relationship is over. But, um, could that be in a sense what keeps both in check knowing that at any time if consent is broken, this ends, it's - Done, it's over. I can only imagine that being a healthy thing.

If there are release valves built in of I'm not withdrawing consent, but we need to shift. Here's information you need to know to make wiser decisions. I need you to know that I have broken my leg. So crawling a happening Right. like you, I think you need to know that the dom is not a petulant toddler who cannot fathom not getting their way. Right. They are responsible. Mm-Hmm. experienced dom. Right.

Who in my opinion, I'm not saying love, I'm not saying romantic anything, but probably cares more about their submissive than they care about themselves. Because the way you prevent somebody from not always, 'cause like, let me say I've said 10 million times shit happens that you can't plan for the cramp, the trigger, the, this, the that. Like, that's not a sign that anybody's done anything wrong when something like that happens.

Mm-Hmm. . But in order to, in my opinion, to agree to, the only way this ends is you withdraw consent and everything's over. Mm-Hmm. is, if there are things in place to, you've got really responsible, experienced kinks. But especially that dom, I think that dom needs to care more about their submissive partner than they care about their own wants and needs many healthy at all levels of dominance. Not even to that extent. Mm-Hmm. , there are plenty of doms like that.

That's not an unusual characteristic. But I think it, it's like, it's gotta be part of the vetting process of are we really fucking doing this? 'cause if you as a submissive have any sliver of doubt that this partner might care more about their pleasure than they care about your health and safety. Mm-Hmm. don't, don't. Yeah. 'cause you'll either be in a situation where you're torn between your own and people are in non kink situations, your own safety and the relationship.

And it's too, it's too easy for some people to go, I am being mistreated and I am miserable, but I don't wanna leave this situation and I don't Mm-Hmm. mean specifically abusive, unsafe situations. Yeah. I think that's a whole other animal. But I could see somebody going, this isn't, this isn't really what I want anymore. This isn't working for me. Mm-Hmm. , I don't really wanna do this anymore, but I don't wanna not be with this person.

And they're literally faced with, if I withdraw my consent, this is over, you know, straight to jail. Do not pass, go. Do not collect $200. Do not. Yeah. And I, I guess part of it for, and it's a personal thing, I don't deal in absolutes like that. My brain is nothing but nuance. Okay. I don't even know how to answer a yes or no question that my child asks. If I can think of any extenuating circumstance where the answer might be maybe, or I don't know.

Yeah. Like I, there's too much fucking nuance. There's too much. Well, it depends. Well it, but in this situ, like , and I think that's what I don't like about something like irrevocable consent and the mm-Hmm. parts of parts of top level blanket consent and top level. When I say top level, I mean you are going all fucking in on blanket consent and for you, and not just bits and pieces. Right. I don't like anything that doesn't leave room for nuance.

So the way we talk about these things at the ex, when I say extreme, I don't mean extreme in a negative way, but like at the end of the spectrum where there's no asking, there's total, you know, Dom has total control and doesn't even have to talk to their partner before they make a decision. Right. At that level. I don't like, I don't like the absolutes in the way we talk about that level because I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, but where's the emergency break?

Where's the break glass in emergency? Where's my, my fire extinguisher? Mm-Hmm. . What, where, where is the, the wiggle room? And it is there, I have no doubt it exists in the healthiest of relationships that practice these kinds of dynamics, but we don't talk about it. And so then the person who's starting to explore it, that's not what they're thinking about. Or they are thinking about it and they're like, oh, well I clearly can't do free use because here's my list of things I would need.

And that's not necessarily true. Mm-Hmm. . That's all I'm saying. And there I went on another five minute rant. You - Did. You're welcome. - Yeah. It's your, that one's your fault. That one's your fault. . So, uh, did we, did we get anything out of this episode about blanket consent and for use? Other than that, uh, Kayla is sometimes snotty and gassy. I don't know. I don't know.

And also I worry too, a lot, too much, I don't know, probably too much, but maybe not, uh, and let me say at the end here, like I said in the beginning, Mm-Hmm. , you can define these terms any way that suits you. If you are following these practices and you're doing these things and you're dynamic, I'm not telling you you shouldn't be doing them. I will say, Hey, what, what's your safety valve? Like, what, what's your emergency - Thing? I know. Like, how do you - Handle that?

- It, it's not for everyone, but, - You know, but Right. But I would also never say, nobody can ever do that. Like, I don't know your fucking life. Like, do what you think will work for you. Mm-Hmm. . And just remember, it's a grand experiment. So if it doesn't work for you, you can like change decisions and paths and do something different. But like, I don't wanna talk about these things in absolutes because that's, it's not real life.

- True. True. - And so I'm just asking y'all to worry at like 10% of my level and I think the world would be safer. I think I worry way too much. Nobody should worry at my a hundred percent. No, no, no. Don't do that. . But it was just 10% of this level of worry. I think people would be safer. . Yeah. - Oh goodness. Okay. Alright. - Okay. Alright. Can I keep going and be ridiculous? Of course you can. Of course I can. But should we stop? - Probably Yes. - So we're gonna have a bonus section.

Hopefully I don't rant through that. My throat's starting to hurt. The coffee's gone. I don't know what's gonna happen now. Uhoh. Um, and our chat and live chat disconnected. I don't know what happened there. Uhoh. Um, so yeah, we'll go into a bonus section now. Okay. - So are we good? - I don't know. - Keep it, keep kinky y'all - And we'll see you next week. - Yes, baby girl. - Can we talk to the crickets? - Hmm hmm. Okay, go ahead.

- It would be easier if I just got your, if we just did blanket consent over this and it was just understood. No. - Or you gimme free - Use No. Of the bonus section. No. To do with as I will. No . - Nope. Not happening kid. I had to try not happening. I had to try. - I had to try. Okay, so bonus section is your dog outside? Yes. I hear tippy taps with little, little fetes - Probably in, she's laying in the rock rocks probably laying in the rocks. Rocks - The sunning herself.

Mm-Hmm. , uh, it's probably the warmest area out there, quite frankly, right? Um, - Between the rocks and the wall of the house. Yeah. The - Best. And where the sun is like, oh, nope. There she is a wooing. Oh, I was gonna ask you a question. And now you're not near a microphone, so I can't ask. It was not an important question. It was a, uh, time filler conversation, filler question. But I still wanna ask it because I know I do most of the talking around here.

Okay. And I like to give you opportunities to speak, - Ask away what - You got for the bonus section. - , - I amuse me, you - Go through all that shit to ask me if you can talk to the crickets. And then all you do is turn around and say, well, what have you got ? - Actually, if you paid close attention, I said, can we talk to the crickets? That's true. So meaner, meaner, . - Um, I've just been busy, busy with the shop trying to restock.

- I know. I've been helping you - And you have and, and restocking has been going very well because of - That. Yes. But I'm impatient. I wanted to go faster, but I know I can't. 'cause if, if I burn you out in January, man, it's a long year - . Right? Thank you very much. I'm, I'm glad you, uh, don't wanna break your toys. - . No. Okay. You're not my toy . I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm your toy. No. . No, - No, - No.

- Then, uh, okay, then then you, you don't wanna break your toy keeper. - Okay. Maybe a little bit better - - Maybe. - Hmm. - So yeah, you've been working. Mm-Hmm. I've been working. We've been getting stuffed together. Yeah. Now I will say the, uh, the downside to actually taking the full two weeks off of our break and not planning out the next year during that time is I have been racing to get it all done. . And it's why the Etsy sale did not start until I think January 8th is when ,

I had it go live is when I had the idea for it. And I'm - Better late than never. Right. - And I'm getting the Patreon membership drive together, which we'll talk about next week. Mm-Hmm. . Um, and it's like bits and pieces and it seems like to never be like, I can't seem to just get it all together. completely. - Yeah. And - Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. So yeah, we've been busy. Which is not a bad thing. Um, yeah. - Mm-Hmm. - . But other than that, I ain't, I ain't got nothing.

- Yeah. No. I've been, um, been, uh, busy, like I say. And I've also been, when I can plopping in front of the tv. - Yes. You've been doing a much better job of that than I have. - You know? Um, been wa binge watching some new sci sci-fi ish movies that have dropped on Netflix and Mm-Hmm. and whatnot. Mm-Hmm. and, uh, what else? Spinning. Spinning my records and listening to my records sometimes at night and just chilling out some music.

Although I have determined I need a new stylist. for - The fucker player. Yeah. We talked about that last, did we talk about that last week? I - Can't remember last week. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yep. So, um, trying to hold out to next month that I can get a new stylist. Oddly enough, um, the turntable I have, even though it was made in 1978, it's, - It's older than I am. - It, it's still popular enough that they still make mm-Hmm. replacement stylus for the original cartridge.

Mm-Hmm. . I find that mind boggling. Now you cannot get, as far as I can tell, I've not been able, you cannot get a cartridge for it. It would have to be a replacement. - And what's the cartridge? I don't know enough about this stuff. - Um, the cartridge is what the needle goes into. Okay. And then it takes all those stuff that the needle's picking up and translates it into what will become music. - Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, see, learn, learn new things every day. - Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . So yeah.

Next, next month, my, uh, goal is to get new stylists forward and, and get that, that going. Um, it's the original stylus. . Yeah. - I think you said that last week. - Yeah, I was, yeah, I was when I was telling you about that. Yeah. So, um, I I think it's well overdue to be replaced at this - Point. Yeah. I think, uh, , the money's has been gotten the worth has been gotten out of that. I think it's, it's done its job. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . It's time to let it rest.

At least that part. That piece. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yep, - Yep, yep. - Yeah. Uh, I've been fighting with insurance companies and doctor's offices. That's been my life. - You have been, you have been. - I've mo you know, I say that I'm working a lot and busy and I am, but it's like I'm doing half days, like half day, half the day recently has been doctor's appointments with the kid, school stuff with the kid, whatever the kid needs, which is fine.

And then it's like, but I got a fit a, a full-time plus job around it. 'cause when you work for yourself is, it's not 40 hours a week, y'all . It's 80 to a hundred easily. Yeah. Like, I consider it a good week if we're like 50, 60 hours. I'm like, okay, this is a good week . This is a relaxing week . Um, but yeah, so that's been my life. I have, I am currently in not a book hangover, a book series hangover. Mm. So, uh, my memory is awful for the stuff I read.

So can I tell you the name of the series? No, I cannot. the author is LI think LJ Andrews, I think is their last name. Uh, I read the first three books of the series is nine books in Total Read. The first three loved Them, then promptly forgot every detail of them. Oh my gosh. Because that's how I am when I read. Like I, if I like a book, I liked it for certain things that happened. I mostly liked it for the vibe, but once I'm done with it, it's outta sight outta mind.

So I came back around through Kindle Unlimited and saw that the rest of the series was also part of Kindle Unlimited. And I borrowed the rest of the books and those six books. 'cause I was afraid I would finish their set in trilogy. So you three at a time is a complete story, but they all build on one another. And I was afraid that if I read the next three and Wandered off, come back to the last three, I wouldn't remember anything again.

'cause it took me forever. I was like halfway through the second book in the second trilogy before I went. Oh, that's right. I remember what happened in that first set of three books. Anyway, so I read the six books in a row back to fucking back all the way through . And it was a satisfying end to the whole series. There's an offshoot of the series that I'm gonna read later. I need a break from this, this universe.

But I finished the book and I just like sat there staring into the middle distance for a few minutes. Like, well, that, that's done. Uh, what day is it? ? What reality am I in? Um, the Broken Kingdoms. Thank you. Silent Wing. Thank you. It's the Broken Kingdoms. Um, yeah, it's good. The, there's not a lot. It's is it romance? Is it fantasy? It's actually a pretty good combo of the two because the overarching theme is these different, they're faded partnerships and faded queens.

And the queens have to find the love of their life so they can become even more powerful. 'cause you're powerful two versus one blah. And then the kingdoms that were broken have to not be broken. I'll tell you no more than that because that would get into spoilers. So it is romance, but it's also a fantasy world of the Faye and this and that. And there's lots of that and magic and all kinds of stuff like that.

Um, there's not as much sex as I like in my romance novels, but when it was there, it was not, not hot. It wasn't as, as like, I'm an erotic erotica girl. Like please say cock and cunt and like say the words. Right. , it was not that. So I was like, me, like there were a lot of teasing her entrance. And I'm like, well, I know about orifices in the body. Which, which one are you talking about? or finding her center? And she exploded and pleasure.

I'm like, tell me you rubbed her clit and she came all over his cock. Please. I think I need . I need a palate cleanser. At some point I need to like, just go read like filth. - Well know why, you know why they can't write it like that? Mm. Because the, the, the clit is mythical. No one, no man can lie. - Stop it, . It's right. And then it's in the right place for this fantasy world. So Yeah. So yeah. I'm, I'm now finishing, uh, a series I started in Kind Limited as well.

Mm-Hmm. . That's historical romance. It also is not quite explicit enough, but the stories are usually good. I, I am this type of person. It's why I wish I read more Standalones. Mm-Hmm. . And I tend not to, I tend to, 'cause series are a lot more popular these days than probably ever before. But if I start a series, I mostly need to keep going until I'm done. But that can be very overwhelming to me.

So what'll happen is I'll flit around and I'll start series and go, okay, the, as long as there's no, um, um, cliffhanger, I might start one and go, I'll come back to it. But once I come back to it, I have to read the whole fucking through the whole way through. Mostly because once I finally remember what that first book was about, I can't, I gotta keep going so I don't lose that lose track. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I've, I have, uh, overwhelmed myself with this historical romance series, which each book is a standalone, but they all like come together. And then another series that I'm gonna finish after that. And then I'll allow myself to look for more books. That series, I actually kind of vaguely remember what happened in the first book. And so every day I just, when I think I see that, oh yeah, that series, I remind myself, this is what you remember that happened to them .

And so while my brain has all of the things already going on, the random worries, the, the, the parts of life that have to be done, the what does that smell? Why does that look like that kind of thoughts. There will also be running in the background periodically. That one book, remember it had this in it. And so you'll remember what it was about. You get back to the series. I understand. I have problems. Okay. . - Yeah. - So, you know, it's fine.

- It's fine. It's fine. Yeah. Silent you, you're not wrong. What Kayla does blast through books at an inhuman speed. I, and, and it's almost like every day I get a notification from Good Reads that there's been, oh, you - Follow me on Good Reads. Yeah. - , - I, this, I almost moved away from Good Reads this year to Story Graph. And it's still early enough in the year that I can Story Graph is an alternative to Good Reads that I have heard multiple times is better than Good Reads.

Good Reads is glitchy as fuck. But Good Reads is connected to Amazon. And so therefore that when Good Reads is working properly Mm-Hmm. Makes it a little bit easier. And all I'm doing is I tried, I tried to review books, but that just made me not wanna read. It also reminded me of how little I can remember from a book, even within 10 minutes of having finished it. Oh goodness. And it just felt like pressure. It made it not fun. And I went, I don't, I don't wanna do that.

Mm-Hmm. also I learned, thank you internet, that I'm a mood reader. That it's about the vibe. It's, I can't, when I tried to have a thing that was like, I'm gonna read all of the physical books on our bookshelves before I read anything else within like six books. It was like, I don't wanna read any of these. And it wasn't until I gave myself permission to go to the library that I went, oh yeah. Reading is fun. So I can't put restrictions on myself Yeah. For reading or I just won't.

And so once I lifted all restrictions, other than not buying any books, 'cause I don't have money for that. Mm-Hmm. . Um, but it's like I can borrow 'em from the library, I can read 'em on Kindle Unlimited. I can read free books. Like whatever, whatever. Once I did that, you couldn't fucking stop me. It is, and I don't use this term loosely like, like as if I don't understand its meaning in Neurodivergency. I do, it is my hyper focus right now. . Okay.

But when I was a kid, I read like this too. Mm-Hmm. Like I would just, I didn't keep track. I know, but I know I read hundreds of books a year. 'cause it's all I did. It was the thing. But I was also at a time when people go, well what do you do for hobbies? And I always felt really weird 'cause I was like, well, I read 'cause that's what I, that's what I do. Yeah. Uh, and at the time people didn't really consider that a hobby. Mm-Hmm. , thank you Internet for making it a hobby. . Yeah.

- Well, you know, with Good Reads, I, I was, um, very active on Good Reads for a while myself. Um, because I was involved with a group that did, uh, write reviews. Mm-Hmm. . And one of the things that I liked about Reads, because that, that also went back to the time when, um, before this insanity that we're doing right here, um, used to blog. Yep. And there was a widget that allowed you to connect to Good Reads. And it showed, you know, what you're currently reading.

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I remember that. So I, - I used to do that, you know, in conjunction with the, with the reviews I used to write Mm-Hmm. . - Yeah. I tried writing reviews. I just, if it was too much pressure and I didn't like it, so then I stopped. So there you go. Hmm. Uh, I worried that the bonus section's gonna be longer than the episode . I don't think that's actually gonna happen. No. But I'm like, oh, wow. Here we go. Yep. Um, and we got stuff we gotta do. So I guess we should go.

Mm-Hmm. , uh, thanks for being with us. Yeah. Especially to the bitter end. - Absolutely. - Thanks for your time and attention. Mm-Hmm. , thanks for loving me despite, or because of my ranting , whichever it is. I don't care. Um, and we will see y'all next week. We will. Okay. All right. - Bye. Bye.