You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode four seventy six. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the I can't tell if you're tired or grumpy or both, Joan Brownstone. All of the above. This is gonna be fun then. Yeah. I can't wait. Neither can I? Uh-huh. That grizzled thing we talked about. Yeah. This is actually apropos. Because I always feel this way when you get tired and grumpy and snappy and short with me every time. Every time it makes me wanna pinch your little head off.
This week, we're talking about feeling disconnected from your partner and what the hell to do about it. Call him grumpy until he blows raspberries into a microphone. Okay. Check that off the list. Y'all, we've tried it for you. If it works for you, great. Bet you didn't have that on your bingo card. Nope. That was not on anybody's list of of ways to reconnect, but here we are. Here we are. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have
you. And, yeah, it's like this every week. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced, I'm just gonna say every Friday because Mondays have been a little off for a while, for your geeky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. And if you are listening to us on a podcast app that allows you to leave ratings, reviews, reviews, and you like what you hear. I'm
not asking for one stars, y'all. I'm asking for five if you like what you hear. We would love. A top, whatever, five, ten. What does your app let you do? I'd love to know. Ready to review. It's how other kinksters will eventually find us. You can also follow the show on Fetlife at loving BDSM PC. The PC stands for podcast. On Instagram and Technically Threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. It's loving d s and the number one. So at loving d s one. On blue sky at lovingbdsm.
Blah de blah de blah. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. Before we get into this week's topic, I have an announcement. I'm very excited about this. It's Mhmm. I think in our third or fourth year of this. I don't ask me. You know, I'll know. I don't remember time. Been a hot minute.
Registration is now open for your free, f r e e, free ticket to the twenty twenty six Dom Sub Dynamics virtual summit hosted by Alessandra of Dom Sub Living. It is March 23 to the twenty sixth. There's 20 speakers, 20 sessions, on all different facets of kink life. Going off the top of my head, Evie has a session on creating an actual genuine, like, protocol for anybody who's like, what the hell is a protocol and how do I get one? That would be a session to attend.
Ra Ra's got one, on when your scene goes sideways because it will eventually. If it hasn't happened yet, your time is coming. Murphy will catch up to you. Andrew Gurza will be speaking, and it looks like it's, like, two both sides of the slash, for dom sub, but about, kink and disability. So for the folks who are like, I need to know more about that, our session is on dealing with conflict, something we're very familiar with. The link is in the places,
and it truly is free. If you get the if you register for free, you will have twenty four hours, for each session to watch them so you don't have to watch them right as they kind of go live for the first time. There will be an upgrade option to pay for a VIP pass which gives you longer access to the sessions and other goodies. If you've got the budget for that, I love that for you because there's, I think, some really good fucking shit in it because one of them is something we contributed.
But if you don't have the budget and you're like, free 99 is all I got, I feel you. I feel you. We were specifically told to design these sessions where you could watch it and walk away with something you could do. Something you could try. Something that you maybe didn't know before so you don't have to spend money to get value. Okay? Just want you to know that. So link below, dom sub dynamics virtual summit. If you are on our email list, you're gonna hear about it a lot.
So we will, keep talking about it while registration is open. Hope that you can and will and will go watch and learn something new. I only gave a little, like, taste of what the sessions are. Use the link just to go see what different sessions there are. So yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do that. I'm very excited. Give you a little inside baseball. The max amount of time a session, because they're prerecorded,
is supposed to be is thirty minutes. And it has been my goal since we started this to maybe get to, like, twenty minutes. No. Every time we record an hour of content that then I have to edit down to thirty minutes. And when did the video editing software that I was trying to use for many years stop working while I was editing that video? But I got it working and we hit the mark thirty minutes. So click the link. Go look around. If you, would like to attend, go ahead and register. It is free.
Okay. That is my announcement. Yay. So this week's topic came to me literally as I was sort of kind of about to drift off last night. Mhmm. Because I was like, what can we talk about? Like, you and I have been in a fairly decent place individually Mhmm. And together. And oftentimes, when topics come up, it's because that's what the hell we're dealing with. And then I started thinking about feeling connected and feeling disconnected. And I went, oh, surely
we've done that episode before. And then I went searching and could not find anything specific. So if we've done it, it's so deep in the archives, even I can't find it. Mhmm. 476 episodes later, that is possible. But it's time. We have talked about over the years, many times feeling disconnected, reconnecting. We did that just a couple weeks ago when we were answering, like, random, silly, ridiculous questions as a a method of reconnection.
So let's talk about that feeling because, you probably have done nothing wrong in your relationship. If it happens, I think it's like like conflict. It's inevitable. That disconnected thing is gonna happen. So let's talk about some reasons that it happens. These, of course, will not be every reason. We can't possibly we it's impossible to do that. But these are things that we are,
we have plenty of experience with. Mhmm. And then we'll talk about the reconnection because that's the disconnection is not necessarily the end of the world. It's not necessarily the worst thing that can happen. But if you don't reconnect, once you kind of realize that something that maybe is a little off, that's gonna be detrimental. That's not, that does not make for a happy, healthy, balanced relationship. So that's what we're going to talk about.
So I made a list of the reasons I could think of, and I'm sure if you think of others, we will add to this. Here's some reasons you might get disconnected from your partner You don't have when you don't make time for one another. You get lost in your own little world. Mhmm. And sometimes this is benign stuff. I I know this has happened to us because I still remember the one time you mentioned it to me, and now I am conscientious of it. So we live in a digital age. We've got smartphones.
Many of us are doom scrolling. There was a time, I think it was, like, peak stressful times, where every time we got in the car, it was, like, the only ten minutes I had to, like, just me, myself, and I, even though I was in a car with my family who loves me, and I would immediately go on my phone every time. And JB finally had to go and it's fine when it's, like, a car full of people. But when it was just the two of us and we were trying to go off and, like, be together, he had to go, hey.
You're spending an awful lot of time on your phone, and I'm feeling a little neglected over here. I'm glad he said something. That's the one of the first things to deal with disconnection is communication. But it's as it can be as benign as that where you're just like, oh god. I'm I finally got a few minutes. Let me but you've your other your partner's sitting over there going, hello. I'd like to have a conversation with you. But it does go
the other way. JB with his hearing aids, when he's listening to something on his phone, it's in his head. It's in my head, so she doesn't know that I'm actually watching or listening to something. And he's has this amazing ability to focus unmedicated. What the fuck's that about? And so he's like, I am listening to something, something and I could just do that. And
I'm over here going, Hey. Hey. And if we don't talk about it or if I'm in a grumpy mood, that can be the small little point of disconnect, especially if air quote feels like sometimes it really is happening all the time and sometimes it just feels like it, but it's not. If it feels like it's happening over and over again. Mhmm. Other times, work. I I know I've done this in the past, and I still kinda do it.
I'll work twelve, fourteen hour days sometimes because it needs to happen because I don't know what else to do with myself because I'm stressed. And all I know what to do when I'm stressed is to keep fucking going. And one of you is working really hard and the other one's like, but I thought we were gonna watch that show on Netflix. We've been talking about it, and I was sitting here on the couch waiting on you. And it's not a one time thing.
It's a it's when it happens repeatedly, consistently, not even constantly, just often enough, long enough with no talking about, hey, can we can we make more time for one another? You know, I'm feeling disconnected. I'm I don't feel quite as connected as usual. That's that's, I think, extremely common because people have very busy lives and this entire world
is stressful. And so just pick a corner of the world that stresses you the fuck out, and it's easy to sort of neglect other things in a in a if I focus on this thing, maybe something else won't feel so bad or maybe I won't be so worried about something or maybe all I can focus on is the thing I'm worried about. And I'm forgetting that I've got a partner. I've got this. I've got that. Right? So, can you think of any other example of
that? Say for me, you know, I can get in my own head when it comes to work or Yes. You can. Kinda almost anything really. Yes. Yes. And you and I have y'all would think this wouldn't happen because we work together, live together, are together twenty four seven. But we can be working on our own things and go sometimes days without bringing it back to center of, like, what are you working on? Do you need my help? What's happening here? What's going on there?
And it's fine, everyone. So it's fine. I could take a few days of us being really busy, but if we don't make a point But when I have to we come back together. Often. Right. That's when it becomes a problem. I noticed when I'm feeling disconnected, I get very cranky. Yes. What what do you what do you think you do when you're feeling disconnected? I probably get I get grumpy and quiet. Yes. Urf. Thank you. Grumpier and quieter.
Yes. Yes. So here's another, thing that I put down on the list of what causes disconnection. Mhmm. Stress. Oh, yeah. And y'all know stress comes from
a lot of different angles. Right? It I don't what stresses me out might not stress you out, out, but the stress of whatever, because what it does is it often you'll withdraw from your partner or you'll withdraw from the things that you enjoy doing or in an effort to kind of self soothe with your stress, you'll go in a direction and you sort of block everybody and everything else out to do this thing, you know. It might be it might be playing video games. It might be it might be doomscrolling.
Not gonna lie, it I can be me reading a book. And reading a book sounds so benign, but if you are doing it to the detriment of everything around you in an effort to just pretend the world does not exist Mhmm. But also stress can make you snap at people. It can make you grumpier than you usually are. And so then you're just biting heads off left, right, and center, and your baby girl is like, hey. I'm not gristle over here. Why are you biting my head off? It makes me feel unloved. Okay?
That's that works if you happen to have a baby girl in your life, who's can clearly communicate, her needs, but anyway, whatever. So stress has a lot of different ways. It can cause the disconnect. JB is very snappy when he's stressed. I am too, quite frankly. Yeah. Now here's the thing with power exchange where I find that one sort of interesting. This will not be
true universally. I know that. But in our power exchange, the way we've negotiated it and the way I am as a submissive, I really like having rules that I can fucking follow, as long as I like the rules. Because the rule is I can't speak I'm not supposed to speak disrespectfully. Right? And so I modulate my tone and my demeanor when I'm thinking about it, regardless of how I'm actually feeling.
And that's probably a good thing. Sometimes the stress is too great and I can't do it and I too am snappy. Here's the thing I've noticed that can both create a disconnect and create an imbalance and even sometimes resentment because we've had to have conversations like this. Yes. The rule goes both ways about speaking respectfully to one another, but I'm the only one who can be put in a fucking corner. Right? And I'm over here trying to be a good fucking girl, and so I
don't wanna go in the corner. I don't like that. Okay? But what'll happen is JB doesn't think have to think about it as a dom the way that I have to think about it as a submissive. Right? So I could be eaten up with stress and will be very cautious with my tone because I'm that type of person. Not everybody is like that. JV and I think probably other doms out there don't really have to think about that. And so that stress is there, that tone will come out. Now I've
gotten better at going, woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. What's happening? But that that little bit of unintentional imbalance can increase the stress. I know this episode is not about conflict. Clearly, I have conflict on the brain. There's a damn thirty minute session coming up. It can increase the conflict, but all those
things also create disconnect. Disconnect. Mhmm. So if he's stressed more than I'm stressed or if he his stress is showing more than mine is showing and he's snapping at me what feels like a lot, and I'm over here working very hard not to snap, It can become its own separate issue. I only say that not to make him feel bad because he's fine. We're fine. It's all
good. But for doms out there to be mindful of that, of how you're responding when you are under stress and duress and what your expectations of your submissive are. And if they are not allowed to do a thing you are doing under stress, I want you to be mindful of your own behavior at that point. Because now you're adding to potential disconnect simply because basic, like, rules of decorum are not even between the two of you, if that makes sense. Yes. I'm not being overly harsh or Nope. Okay.
Cool. Nope. You're fine. Here's another one because we've gone through it. We've gone through it. Yeah. Illness, injury, pain. Yeah. Chronic or acute. Yeah. And not necessarily even your own. There is that. Taking care of somebody. Yep. Yeah. Every time you get sick, by the time we're several days into it, maybe you're on the mend Mhmm. But it's not quite there. Or maybe you're like, you're better, but it doesn't matter. It's been a week of whatever. I'm like, can you please hold my hand?
I love you. I missed you. I know I slept next to you for a week. Please hold my hand. I feel very disconnected. Yeah. Because, you know, when you're sick, when you're in pain, pain, when there's an injury, depending on what it is, you are either going inward to heal. Right? You've got these meds. You've got a, like, you've got a cast. You've got a whatever. Or if it's chronic, you're doing what you have to do to manage it, right, so you can hopefully
function a little bit. And those kinds of things are very inward looking for many people much of the time, which means it's harder to maintain a connection because you're like, I'm over here trying to, like, survive. That's all I'm doing right now. And that's nobody's fault. That's nobody's fault. Now injury, illness, pain, whatever can also be a stress. So you've got the fact that you do not feel good and then the stress about how whatever that means
in your life. Right? Mhmm. And now you've compounded. Yeah. That that compounds because when you're when you're not feeling well, if you're having pain, then add on top of that however many doctors visits. I know. And tests. And tests. And meds. Yeah. And waiting. Mhmm. Yeah. We're living a little bit of that now. And you live with chronic pain with your back anyway. Now add to pain with your arthritis in your hand.
And there's in many cases, there's not a fucking thing you can do in that situation. And in some of these situations, you just can't, you have to get through it. Right. When the the one of you who is not the one who's ill injured in pain, whatever, to the best of your ability, and I know we are all imperfect creatures, keeping your good humor, maybe not in an annoying way. You know
your partner. Right? Like, there's times I can be he can be grumpy polar bear because he don't feel good, and I can be silly and it'll bring him out. And sometimes I cannot. Mhmm. But I understand after all these years, and it's taken me a long time to get here, that I can maintain a connection with him of a sorts by just being there, by realizing it's not personal. I mean, if he you if you were to say something that was rude to me, that would be different. It would get that'll be
the next one on this list. Sorry, folks. But, you know, I know for me as the outside looking in on these Mhmm. There is a feeling of helplessness of that there's nothing I can do. You know? There's nothing I can do to fix it. You kinda gotta go through it, and all I can sort of do is go, how can I help? What do you need? If the answer is for you to leave me alone for a little while, that's a hard one, but you do have to respect it.
But I can kinda do some things to sort of maintain some of the connection on my end. So there's still a kind of disconnect once you get through whatever the the moment is. But it's not like a it's not one of those where you're both kind of going, do we even, like, know each other? Like, when's the last time we had a conversation? It doesn't have to feel that way. And then the next one I last one I had on my list Mhmm. Conflict that's not fully resolved.
Mhmm. Like, maybe you you had the argument. Maybe you talked about it. Maybe you were like, okay. Here's what we're gonna do going forward, or here's, you know, here's the solution to this problem of why there was conflict. But I and if it's not fully resolved, maybe there's still some hurt feelings, maybe there's still some concern of it occurring again, like, whatever whatever it might be. Yeah. I'm not gonna be surprised if you're
feeling disconnected. We went through from the 2020 to 2021 era through through 2024 into 2025. Right? We were, like, rolling conflicts. We were rolling argument. And we would deal with the moment, but the the reason we argue with one another tends to be stress and it tends to be financial stress. We're a lot better about it than we used to be. Prior to that, it was parenting. We're way better at that than we used to be.
And if the stressor that's causing the argument is not going away, it is very hard, like, conflict to get resolved. Because you carry your own feelings with that, you know, whatever it was. I'll I'll use us as the example cause it's the only one I got. We'd argue about money and not, like, one of us was spending too much or one of us was being irresponsible. We actually always agreed on what we wanted the end result to be. We were usually arguing about how the hell we were gonna get there.
Yeah. But if that was a situation, like, how we were gonna pay this bill or what we're gonna do about this thing that demanded money of us that we didn't really fucking have. Right? That issue might come up again every fucking month, which meant that potential conflict was coming up every month.
And until we could both resolve the issue so we could get through it and resolve the conflict between us so that we could remember we actually liked one another, and it was not him against me, it was us against the problem Right. That would be a little unresolved. And it was very easy to get disconnected from one another in that situation. Mhmm. Sometimes the conflict's not resolved because you didn't have the conversation. You should attend our session during the time
subs. I mean, I'm just saying we did I did a we did a whole thirty minutes on this. But, you know, sometimes it's because you didn't communicate. You didn't actually resolve it. Sometimes it's because you said everything. It was okay and everything wasn't. And sometimes you did all of that, but then you forgot to, like, go be nice to one another
when you were done. Like, okay. We had this moment, and we were really heated with one another, and we've talked about it, and we figured out what the solution is, and we've got plans for the future and blah blah blah blah. But did we, like, go sit together and do something together as people who love one another? Like, did we did we have a kink scene? Did we go on a date? Did you know, whatever. Whatever it is that you can do as with a partner. Did you go do that thing
to have the reconnection of, hey. Wait. I actually like this person, and they like me, and we're actually happy here. Here. So and quite frankly, doing that after you resolve the conflict, you're everybody nobody's angry anymore. You've talked through it and you dealt with it and blah blah blah blah is a great way to reconnect in after conflict. Are there any that you would add to that list that you can think of? No. Not really. I think that's I'm very proud of me then. Yeah.
Good job, bro. Being a fever dream from o'clock last night. Yeah. I'm gonna interrupt myself real quick to say, can we turn on the magic mystery fan that only runs in the summer in this office? I'm sweltering. Okay. Give me a moment and I shall return. I will, keep things going while you do that. We did not plan for that. I think I thought I could make it. I could not make it. So, I'm gonna add a section that I haven't put in my notes, but I think it
is important. I probably should have started with that, but whatever. Whatever. I'm so excited for this fan to come on y'all. It's not it's not gonna do much. It's gonna spew warm air into a warm room, but I'll take it. I will take it now. The the roar that you hear, the gentle roar, that's the fan. I have a thought for how to cool this office down this summer, but I if my thought can come to fruition, it still won't happen while we're streaming slash recordings.
I think it would be too loud. I think I wanna try to get one of those portable, like, stand up AC units. You can just plop in a room to kinda get it to cool down, but we shall see. That's that's my dream. I've mentioned it to JB, and he was not convinced. Not because it's not a good idea, but because he's like, can we? Alright. We'll see. What dream is that? To get the stand up portable AC unit just for this office Mhmm.
And have it blow. Even though I don't think I we could use it while we were recording, I have a feeling they're kinda loud. Unless newer ones are quiet. I know that's something we'd have to I've never owned one. Yeah. Okay. I'm going back to my notes. Now I'm gonna add a section here. It's telling them, we probably should've started here. Because it you know, pretend we know what the hell we're doing. And that is what disconnect can feel like.
Because for some people, I think you know it when it happens. And for others, you're like, well, how the hell do I know if I'm disconnected? I can only tell you what it feels like for me. Okay. Hopefully, JB will tell you what it feels like for him. Disconnect for me is a very unsettled feeling. So I'm very settled in this relationship. I'm very secure. I'm very, like, safe. I know my place. I know how JB feels. I know where we stand together. At all times, there's never
a doubt. When we are disconnected, I even though it's not true, and it's a lie that my lying brain tells me, I don't feel secure. I feel like we haven't talked in ages. Y'all, we live together, work together, sleep together, shit together. Like, we do all the things together. And even yes. Even I can be like All together now. Have we had a conversation in you know? And it doesn't take much for me to feel that way. We can go, like, a day or two outside of our normal
patterns, and I'm like, I'm feeling disconnected. But longer with stress or illness or this or that and it's even worse. So, yeah, disconnect feels to me very unsettled. I notice when I'm feeling disconnected from you that I don't read you as well as I usually do. Usually, I'm I can I know what your facial expressions mean? I can tell when that tone is cranky versus when you could I'm allowed to tease you. Yeah. You know, I can I have and this is probably sounds very woo woo? I'm sorry.
I don't have anything concrete. I have a sense of your head space, your Yes. Where you're at and how I can approach you. And that and that is something that goes both ways. Mhmm. Okay? Because, you know, nine times out of 10, I can read you and, you know, tell where you're at and Mhmm. You know, what you're thinking. But when that disconnect Mhmm. Comes yeah. No. It's it's that none of that is there. Another way disconnect shows up for me is I feel like I miss you, y'all. We
are literally together all the time. Yes. You can miss somebody who's in the same room with you. Like, it is possible and it's it's a lack of connection. Yeah. For folks who do not live together, don't see one another very often, long distance, whatever, I I think you can some of those feelings will feel that way because you're just you don't get to be together a lot.
And so that's a little bit of the struggle of determining, is this because I miss them and maybe they're having a very busy life right now, or is this we're not communicating like we usually do. We're not as close as we usually are. Some signs could be, but not necessarily because there's there's extenuating circumstances and fewer phone calls, text messages. However you communicate, less of it Mhmm. With no explanation for
sure, and even with an explanation. Because here's the thing, you can understand the reason why you're not in touch with your partner as much as you would like to be, and still and and fully understand and exactly why they're not talking as much. You're not doing whatever whatever and still feel the disconnect as part of the, hey. Wait. You our routine's messed up or I don't hear from you as much. But for folks who may not be certain, like, is this? There I think there are patterns you can
see that might be causing the disconnect. Have you had some conflict that you're good with, but maybe you're like, man, maybe my partner's not okay with it. Are they very stressed and or busy? You know, do they have an illness or, a chronic condition or something that's flaring up?
Right? Like, the more you can know about a partner's life, even if you all don't live together, you're not in the same town, you don't see each other very often, the more you can kinda go, oh, I think I know what's happening here. But even knowing what's happening does not always change the fact that the disconnect will still happen. I think when I I know why it's happening, it feels easier to get to reconnect. Mhmm. It's when I don't know where it came from and why that it's It
makes it harder. Right. But I also feel the disconnect even more when I don't know what the hell's going on. I just know that we're we are, you know, drifting, parallel to one another instead of god. Don't anybody make this episode a drinking game of how many times I fucking say connect. Oh my god. That's called out of all poisoning. Oh, any other signs you can think of? Mm-mm. No. Some signs that maybe your partner is disconnected or disconnecting. When you do talk, it's it's not the
same. Are they shorter with you? Is it less are they usually somebody who's giving you all the details and you don't have to pull information out of them and now they're not? Now let's be real. That could be signs of other stuff too. But quite frankly, a disconnect, that feeling that you might get in a relationship with somebody, regardless of the flavor of the relationship, can only be repaired and have a reconnect
if the person actually wants that. And if the disconnect is because they are doing things that they're not telling you about, that's a larger problem. We we don't want to reconnect to those folks. We want to connect to the ones who want to be there with us. Okay. So, you know, if something is abrupt or if it's been going on a long time or your efforts, like, when we start talking about ways to reconnect, your efforts not nothing's actually happening, that is probably the sign of something larger
that requires a little bit more investigation. And going on a silly little date is probably not gonna fix. But I did think we should slip in the what does disconnection Yeah. Feel like part. So let's talk about reconnection because that's the most I think that feeling is very, very common. It's gonna happen for a million and one reasons. So many things I can't even think of why it would happen.
And the same for how to reconnect because it's gonna be unique to the people and your personalities and what works for y'all. But that is the important part of this is a power exchange worth salvaging and you both are like no we want to be here we like one another I don't know what's happening then finding the the different ways for the different situations. We have the ones I listed are, tip and there's not that many things because
they are broad topics. Mhmm. Not every moment of that disconnect is resolved the same exact way because it depends on the reason for it. Right. Each Right? Yeah. So the more things you can think about and think of that work with your partner, the more tools you have to pull from True. When it's time. I will I will say, if only one of you was ever trying to make sure you're reconnected. I'm not sure that's fair. I think that's worth a conversation. Sometimes it's just not a skill a partner
has. Like, there are some things they do really well that you don't and this is a thing you do really well. But I also think it can be a recipe for potential resentment because if you are always the one working on this, always the one bringing your partner back, always going, hey, something's a little off. Hey. Can we work on it? And that that's not being reciprocated in some way that works for you. That's worth a conversation. But, you know, JB is he's a man of few words we know. He
is subtle in the stuff he does. Not me. Not me. You can see me coming in the dark. Okay? It's a subtle fucking thing about me. So I didn't always recognize the times when he was trying to reconnect until I learned about one of the things we're gonna talk about, and then went, oh. And now I see it a lot now. So you also have to understand how your partner, I'm gonna say air quotes, speaks to you that that what they do to to get back to you and to find the center with the two of you in your
relationship. Yeah. So there's that as well. Okay. Well, I mean, I know I know for me, I've gotten to a point now when a lot of times when there's that disconnect, I will come up to you and I will say, are you okay? I know. And you wanna know what? You wanna know what? That's a great thing to do. It's it's the very first thing. Communicate, which I know is the boring answer, but here we go. And here's I'll tell you for me, everybody's gonna be different about this. That is a
perfect thing for you to do. I do the same thing to you. Mhmm. But we're all a little weird. Right? We're all wired differently. That's true. If I am caught in the not right moment and right not being an an a wrong moment, not making a bad moment, but just, like, my mind wasn't there. Yeah. I don't even know always know how to answer that. Sometimes I'm like, I I wasn't even thinking about this. What? I have to try and figure out. Now the magic thing is to go, can I get back to you on that?
Like, I'll can we talk about this later? Because what I'm gonna do if I'm not prepared or wasn't thinking about it, it wasn't top of mind, my answer is always gonna be, I don't I don't know. I'm I'm sure I'm fine, which is not always the real answer. Right. And then and then sometimes, I don't say a word, and I'll just wait for the opportunity to present itself, and I'll walk up and give you a hug. Yeah. I'm hugging. You do a lot more of that. The other ones I've I've noticed is you'll,
touch my butt more. Mhmm. You'll touch the small of my back. I don't know why I love that. I just fucking love that. Which is funny because, if anybody remembers from a million years ago, our love languages episodes, I'm not a touch person. Like, I'm usually, like, I got a bubble, three feet of personal space. But knowing how you feel about touch has made me more mindful over the years.
Now these little things we're talking about are not specifically for reconnection, but they are a way to maintain connection in, any relationship, and it's called a bid for connection. So that's a concept that the the Gottmans, we've talked about them many episodes recently, came up with they were doing research. They've done research on they do they it's married people. And I have a feeling probably earlier in their career,
everybody it was all heterosexual marriages. I do not know what mix of marriages they study now. I have not looked into that. But over all these decades where they've studied relationships, long term relationships and marriage specifically, the thing that they have said that can, in the case of marriage, predict divorce, but in any relationship, power exchange included, probably predict a breakup if we're not talking divorce, it's not the big stuff. It's not how
often you fight. It's not the it's it's bids for connection and how often or not often partners reciprocate. So a bid for connection is anything that gets you to pay attention to one another. That's what a bid for connection is. It can be asking for attention, asking for affirmation, asking for affection, any positive connection that one partner kind of puts out there to to their partner and how that partner responds.
Apparent supposedly, the research shows that, long term happy couples, married couples specifically, but I'm sure this is transferable. They complete bids for connection, like, 86% of the time, and couples who end up breaking up, 33% of the time. Now a bid for connection can be as small and as subtle as a smile that you smile at your partner and they catch it and they smile back. Yeah. A wink. It can be questions like, how was your
day today? Yeah. So you have put the bit of connection out there and ask that question, and your partner see hears the question and is willing to respond. Right? It's just all the little ways the coming up to give me a hug. It's like asking, are everything okay? How are you doing? Some examples I see online is like, oh, look out the window. I saw the coolest bird today. And your partner going, oh, really? You did?
I have a feeling relationships of any flavor that have any way shape or form of success, are successful now, are new and could become successful. You are doing these things and you are not naming them and you don't you're just engaged with the other person. You're like, I found this cool rock and you were the person I wanna show the cool rock to. You know what I mean? I think in kink, we have a layer that non kink couples won't have where the there's also the, oh, I learned about this new
kink thing today. Or, oh, I thought about this scene I'd like to try. What do you you know? Right? So, like, we we get to add a flavor that's more than just how was your day at work or what did you do today or, you know, hey. I remember that you said you were feeling sick. How are you you know, these kinds of things. A couple of the, examples I put on my notes was a smack on the ass, a consensual, pleasurable smack on the ass, asking your opinion on something. What do you
think of? Or I heard about this thing. What do you what do you know about it? What do you think? Have you know? That's all bits of metal. I'm just reaching, giving a hair pull. That do it. Let's see. I'm about to cut the the hair, and I won't maybe have a ponytail. It makes me a little sad now. So it yeah. It's when one partner in an overt way or a very subtle way kind of reaches out metaphorically, sometimes physically, to your partner, and your partner
sees it and responds. Does it require big responses? Could be small things. It could be a shared smile across the room. Right? In order to try to stay connected, you want these to just be happening. Mhmm. And it's, you know, it should not add pressure to anybody. If you are not asking your partner, how was your day? How do you feel? Or, hey. I learned it. I saw, learned, read about, heard about a cool thing I wanna share with you. Right? If you're not already doing that, I mean, I got questions
for the relationship. Right? Maybe it's more it's a more casual one. Maybe, you know, whatever. But it goes back to in power exchange, I really think you need to genuinely like the other person as a friend before we're real worried about if they're gonna be your dom or sub because what the fuck is there to talk about outside of that if you don't actually like each other? But whatever. Whatever. Different strokes folks. Okay? So I think many of us are
doing these things naturally. You're just, you know, thinking of your partner, sharing bits of your life with your partner. I think that's, like, that's like healthy relationship stuff. Sure. If you need a sign that there's a disconnect, it's when you're like throwing the bid out there and it's not being caught. It's bouncing off a brick wall. I can tell when something's up because I'll be doing stuff like I'd now that I know the name for it, I'm very aware of it.
And I think about it more intentionally. I'll give you an example of that if I can remember it in a second. But I can tell when JB's head is somewhere else, when he is not in the room with me, even when he's physically in the room with me, because I could try to talk to him and I don't get a response. And that's not a, oh, like we talked about earlier, he's listening to something on his phone and I I don't know that because the hearing aids are inside his head.
Right? It's his mind is on other things. And if I'm not, like, waving like a mad woman in front of him, I don't have his attention. If that happens too many times in a row, and it can happen. He can get, like, off in his own world, and I'm not doing the right thing to get his attention. Enough times in a row of that that bid for attention, like, hitting a brick wall, it Even though I know what's happening logically,
my feelings will be hurt. Well, now once feelings are hurt, it's easy to walk away. And a little bit of the disconnect has begun at that point. Now I've gotten better because I know that I am safe to do this. I'm very secure in my, you know, submission and in this relationship, if I feel it and I recognize what I'm feeling, I'm real quick to go, hey. This is what happened. It wasn't your fault, but I didn't like it. And here's how I feel now. And I always sort it out.
The thing that I have realized is a is important as a way to not have your partner's bid for connection bounce back at them like a tennis ball. It's when I do. And I once I realized what needed to be done, I do it more often. Put your damn phone down. Okay? Unless it is a communication device you need to communicate with your partner, put the damn thing down when your partner's talking to you. I'm telling you right now, JB's attitude with me improved, he doesn't even know, improved dramatically.
When I started, when he caught my attention to show me the cool rock he found or to ask how I was feeling or to smile at me or whatever the bid was when I paused what I was doing on my phone or I put it face down and I gave him my attention. It is very easy, especially in long term relationships where you're very comfy with one another to kinda be scrolling, uh-huh, and keep going. Yeah. Enough of that, you're now disconnected.
Those bids of connection are not being caught by the other person because the focus isn't on you, the one with the cool rock. I really like that rock thing. Somebody needs me to bring me a cool rock is what I'm hearing. And now we're in this 86% versus 33%, like, margin. Right? And you gotta be careful of that. Once I understood that that needed to happen, quite frankly, here's what happened. I learned about bids for connection.
I saw often enough that it stuck in my brain because y'all know at this point in my life, I need to hear it many times for it to stick in my brain. And then JB, it this happened after, but it was all kinda connected. I learned about bids for connection after JB, not just in the car situation, but a couple other times went, I don't feel like you're paying attention to me. And he was not wrong. I was not paying attention.
And I think I came at it from a submissive perspective of, oh, I'm not giving my daddy the, attention Mhmm. And respect he deserves through the lens of power change, but just through the lens of relationships making it. Just if they're trying to tell you something, connect with you, and especially when you know you don't have a good way of splitting your focus, as long as you are you are physically able to put put the phone down. Now that is a funny thing in our relationship.
Mhmm. Because I'll be watching it's usually a YouTube video. I'll be watching a YouTube video and JB will come talk to me. So I will pause it, and I will give him my full attention because that's a respectful thing to do. And he'll stop talking and he'll walk away, and I will start my video again. And then he will turn around with another thought. And because I'm I'm conscious of this now, I will pause my video and I would give him my full attention. And he'll talk for, like, thirty, forty five
seconds. And then he will walk away. It's I'm like, I'm I'm safe. I'll play my video again. No. You know what? I forgot. And then there's By the the first two times, he doesn't usually clock what's happening. How often I'm having to pause. By the third to the fourth, and, yes, there has absolutely been a fifth fucking time. Now he's just fucking with me. Now I just do it to fuck with her. Yeah. Weirdly, that is a bid for connection because I could get angry.
I could I could, like, let myself be very annoyed, and I do get annoyed. But I see the humor and I see him joking, and I, when it happens, I'm it's never been in a where I'm not in a position where I can find it funny. I go ahead and laugh at the joke too. I give him a piece of my mind submissively. Sure. But those those moments become connective moments. Yeah. Vids for connection are huge. Huge, huge, huge for staying connected and reconnecting.
I'm just gonna say, Taysh, you called it the Columbo effect. Oh, the one more thing? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You like to do that too. Mhmm. You go, and one more thing. I'm like That might be where I got it from. Maybe it was. Maybe it was. So we've communicated. Please communicate about your conflict or stress. Here's the thing. I said at the top, I don't think we dived into it. Sometimes the communication we tend to do the communication after the fact, after the problem has occurred. And of
course, we should. Of course. Of course. Of course. But to minimize a disconnect to the best of our abilities, it's gonna happen.
If there's a thing coming up in your life that's gonna keep you busy or there's a thing going on that stresses you out or maybe you know how your body is and you know what flare ups are and they the more depending on the relationship and the state of the relationship and how intimate y'all have become and and how far along this relationship you are, the more you can communicate ahead of time time about what you know is coming, could come, will definitely at some
point happen, but you don't have a specific date, the better. Because I know for me, and I'm not alone in this, a lot of it is feeling like it something came out of nowhere. Feeling like I was sort of, you know, on the back end of something, and I'm clueless, and I don't know what's going on. And what folks do, not all, but some like me, I know. You fill in the blank of what you think is happening or you think of why something's happening or what it means because you don't have information.
If you are far enough along in the relationship where that kind of trust is there, say something ahead of time. Long distance relationships, we tell you to do this all the time. If you know work is gonna kick your fucking ass and your whole communication schedule is out the window, you better talk about it as the moment you can. The moment you know that the schedule shifted or the trip is coming up or the meeting or the event or the whatever it is. Right?
Because a lot of the time, it won't I don't think it'll take away all disconnect, but it it takes away the uncertainty that comes with it of what the hell is going on. Right? So when we say communicate, yeah, after the fact. Of course. Of course. Of course. What the hell happened? Why are we disconnected? Do we need to resolve conflict? Did I handle stress badly? But before, for things that are outside of your control but that you know are coming.
You're not supposed to, like, be a mind reader and know shit's coming, but but stuff that you can see on the horizon because this is your life you've been living and you know what happens in your life. Right? So communicate, bids for connection. And then this is the one I like, and it does work for us to reconnect. Mhmm. And whatever it will look like for other people is absolutely about your personalities and how y'all mesh together in a relationship, but get silly and have fun together. That
can be kinky fun. Maybe y'all go seen and we have done that. He has beat my ass and I'm like, oh, yeah. Yep. Yep. I'm mhmm. I know who I belong to now and I feel very reconnected. Sometimes it's dumb shit, like those fucking questions, silly questions we were answering a few weeks ago. Like and that is part of the love map thing of how well do you know your partner, because the better you know your partner, then the more that you the more connected you are. It's all it it's
I'm on a board back here. I got all these red strings coming back, and it all comes back to connection. Maybe it all does. I don't know. But, yeah, we as soon as we can, once we've both admitted that there's a disconnect, we're trying to to make the other person laugh. Yeah. We're being silly. We're being goofy. And, yeah, that it might sound weird that you're gonna be silly intentionally, like, with a purpose in mind.
But, you know, when I'm silly outside of needing to reconnect, I'm doing it so somebody will laugh even if that somebody is me. That is being silly with intention. I don't see what the difference is, quite frankly. You do have to know each other's humor for that. Mhmm. I have a feeling that one is probably easier for longer term relationships or where people were really are really close even if you haven't been in your power exchange for a long time.
You just know each other. Because you gotta know each other's humor and what will make the other person laugh. We get goofy. We get, like, we get ridiculous with it. JB's cracking jokes. I'm being very sassy, respectfully. There are times she has me laughing so hard I'm about to cry. You know, the times I get you laughing like that, I don't I don't plan for those moments.
I just kind of and so here's something that happens with me sometimes is I'll do a thing that I am very well aware that one I would probably never do publicly. It's not a bad thing. It's just like a I I was real relaxed. Or if I did do where somebody else could see it, I would pretend I didn't or I would explain it away or I'd I'd have a response that is not my genuine response. So what happens in those situations, it's typically when I have Zoomies at night and we're trying to go
to sleep. I'll just say or do something so ridiculous. And instead of hiding it and instead of minimizing it and acting like it was nothing, I just will roll with it. Mhmm. And I that's not even a conscious the the rolling with it is a conscious choice. The knowing it's gonna make you laugh so hard you're about to pee yourself, I never think of that. I just go, well, this will be funny. And I that's what ends up happening. So it's it is and it is not intentional, if that makes any sense.
Like, I just I just go, yeah. Fuck it. It's got as it's up being the mantra. Fuck it. Just just roll with it. Now I know you kind of wish I could be like that where other people could see me. I don't know if there are enough edibles for me to be like that and be upright at the same time. Because I can't tell anybody how what you're like because they wouldn't believe me. Well, I also think that if you try to describe it, you would just sound like the crazy person. Yeah. Because, I mean,
crazy person. Yeah. Because, I mean, I I am off the wall once we get to Mhmm. I am as the silliest I am capable of being at that point. Not always, not often, but but, man, when it happens She knows she really got me when if she hears me snort. Because you'll snort if I snort. And once we're both snorting back and forth at one another, the silliness, the laughter, if you've got it in your relationship, I don't it can be dark fucking humor. It can be humor that
nobody else fucking gets. It can be shit that would probably get you arrested if you did it in public. It doesn't matter. It's whatever works within the relationship with the people involved. Mhmm. Because some of the best sleep I get at night is when the last thing we do before we roll over to go to sleep is laugh until we have cried. And then the next morning, it is easier to get up. We are so fucking lovey
dovey. It's disgusting. Like, there was a time when we were just super cute to the Internet. We are now crusty, crotchety, annoyed old people. I don't think we come across as cute at all. I'm not mad about that. That was wait that was being perceived at too high of a level for different sides of the Internet to call us cute. It was just too much. But in the mornings after those kinds of evenings, we've gone to sleep like that. Oh, we are so fucking lovey dovey. Mhmm. Disgustingly
cute. I would make myself gag if I had to watch it from anybody else. I mean, what? No. Thank you. And so I'm just saying whatever it is that gets you and your partner rolling and laughing and having a good time, lean the fuck into that to the extent that you can as you're reconnecting. The more you can do it naturally and in an authentic way outside of these moments, easier it is to stay connected. But we're all human and life's gonna
fucking life. Right? And so you're gonna have these times when everything was rolling good. Like, the power exchange was good and life was not terrible. And you were just getting getting stuff done and making shit happen. And life was just rock and roll and smooth, and then you'll get a bump. You'll get a a a moment where and it can sometimes just
be a blip. It'll be a moment where we're annoyed at one another out of fucking nowhere, usually over something stupid, and they can be the crack that starts a disconnect. The other time is you just get busy. You just get busy. You're it's good, and I wanna do an episode on the importance of partners having separate interests outside of one another because it is way too easy to become way too enmeshed in one another. Ask me how I know.
But there's a line there between doing things separately, having outside interests that you then come back together and talk about and connect over, right, through bids for connection versus you are now on parallel paths and you're never crossing over. You're never interacting. You're doing you're in your own head, in your own world, doing your own thing that you're there's so much disconnect that can happen there. Mhmm. So lines of communication always.
Bids for connection. Throw them out and catch them when the when your partner throws them at you. Right? It it's more meaningful, I think, than you know. Once I started once I started recognizing it and could go, oh, that's a bit for connection. Or I don't think about when I do it. I'm just interacting with you and, you know me, I'm obsessed with you. I wanna tell you everything. I don't have any cool rocks. I'm so sorry. But yeah. I lost it. Goddamn it. Goddamn it. I lost it. I lost it. It was
right there. I'm sure it was a brilliant fucking thought dude. I lost it. I lost it. Hate when that happens. No. Okay. So I don't think about, oh, I'm putting out a bid for connection when I do it to you. Mhmm. Because like I said, I'm obsessed. I just wanna talk to you. But I make myself aware and I think I try to think about it when I recognize you doing it to me. Part of it is because sure nobody's noticed. I can suck up all the oxygen in a room. Right?
I got something to say. I got something to do. I'm gonna try to be silly and make somebody laugh. JB is quieter with it. JB is, like, he can be off in his own world doing his own thing happily, just happily. And I'm happy doing my thing, but that's my person. If it I mean, if I could get inside him like a baby kangaroo, I would. Less like a, like, alien body snatching situation only because I don't like body fluids. But I don't wanna wear him like a skin suit because then he's not y'all get it.
He is What? He's like somebody out there gets what I'm saying. Okay? It's fine if it's only one person. He is quieter about that. He doesn't have to come throw a bid for connection at me all the time because I am bombarding him. Okay? So I am more aware when he does it to me. I'm not thinking about it as, oh, this is a bid for connection when I do it to him. But when he does it to me, I'm like, pay attention. Fucking pay attention. And I I can't remember what was going on recently. I was
not happy. I was stressed. I was something. And next thing I know, JB is every time he walks past me, he's touched me just a little bit in a loving way. You know? There's the hand here. There's the hand there. There's the kiss on the forehead. I'm a sucker for forehead kisses. These little things. And as they're happening, it's I'm not watching lips when this is a big for connection. I'm not doing that. I'm weird, but I'm not that fucking weird. But after the fact, I'm like, oh, that
was really sweet. Oh, that made me feel better. Oh, that was a big for connection. That's why I'm a dork for this shit. Okay? So what I'm telling the whole point of that tirade is that if the bids for connection thing resonates, pay attention when you see your partner doing it, when you realize what they've done. Think about it in those terms because I say that because when they throw that bit out at you, your job is to catch it and respond in some
meaningful way. Meaningful does not mean necessarily big production. It doesn't mean lots of effort. It can be just acknowledging a little bit, smiling back at them, answering their question to the extent that you can, like, whatever it is. That that is what I mean. So I'm very hot. Very hot. In the, live chat, Freckled Awesomeness is I wish I could be the person who tells her partner everything like that. Inner demons and mean brains
stop me. Let me promise you, I did not enter this relationship like this. No. This was years in the making. Years. And for some people, you would need longer to maybe do it naturally. If you have access to something like therapy that can help, I highly encourage that. But it is it is years in the making. The way I am with JV now, we've known each other since the very end of 2012. How does math work? Not like, thirteen and a half years, I think, is kind of what we're getting close to ish.
Mhmm. Say thirteen years. The way I am now, I wouldn't like this even five or six years ago. Yeah. Like, every year, I get a little more unhinged because I feel a little bit safer. Because what happens is I did the first small scary thing of said one thing, and he accepted it. Right? And he continued to be who he'd always been. And then at some other point, I did the next thing that was scary. And scary is subjective, of course. Sometimes it's saying what
you really think. Sometimes it's letting your silly goofy side out. JB is the one. We're gonna get to this when we do the neurodivergency series. It is happening. I am working on it. JB has lived through me unmasking, and this man deserves some hazard pay for that. Because he watched me look like I was a completely different person. Now he sees he probably watches the mask come right back on the moon. I gotta leave the damn house. Because I am a completely different person from that to how I
am at home. But we had hard conversations where he was like, what happened? I mean, those are the words. What happened to you? You used to be able to fill in the blank for the thing. And there that was a whole journey that'll come out when we do that episode because we will be doing that episode. So there were years where little by little, I let my real self
start to show. And then now I live a life where it's actually very uncomfortable to mask, but I definitely do because the real world, I no. Don't like her. But yeah. I mean so the person he got was was just I don't know. Was this a different shade of the person he's got now? I don't know. I don't know how to I don't know what the metaphor is for that, but so yeah. Different facet. Something. Toner ran out of ink. I don't know. I don't know.
So for those of you who might feel the way Freckled Awesomeness says, it's it's a it's a forever and ever thing, and it's a safety thing. And it's a you start very small with things that feel big in the moment, and you'll look back like, oh, like, probably the first time I let you hear me snort when I was laughing was one of those silly moments that were a little scary. The serious moments are like when we have
a big hard conversation. Right? Or I I confess a thought I was having that I probably would never have told another partner. Shit. The first time I I as a submissive had to tell my daddy dom that he pissed me off. I didn't say it like that, but we know what I meant. That was tough. That was hard. That was terrifying. And he handled it as the person he has always been. And I learned to his detriment in that moment that it was safe for me to say, you you done pissed
off. If I only knew. If I only knew. So for anybody else who might feel like Freckle Dawson missed it, just just know it is possible. Mhmm. It's just not it's not a fast or necessarily an easy thing. True. So there we are. Yeah. Do you have anything else you would add Mhmm. To reconnecting, disconnect, reconnect, bids for connection? How many different ways can I say connect? Connect to cut. I always don't remember how to spell Connecticut. That is. That is.
That's how I remember how to spell Connecticut. It's got connect right there. Anyway. Anyway. Two bonus section. Oh, okay. So, are we good? I have no fucking clue. Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you next week for something else I can. Potties. Yes. Baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets? Sure. Okay. I need to sip some of my Diet Coke. You're doing a lot of talking. I you know how I feel about some of these topics. I know. Especially ones that come to me at 11:00 at night while I'm falling
asleep. I was just really excited I fucking remembered it in the morning. I was so proud of me for remembering it in the morning. Mhmm. I think the stupid walks from my stupid mental health that I've been taking are actually doing their job, which is so fucking annoying. Why why why do people have to be right about what do you mean reading every book that I can find and obsessively scrolling Instagram reels is not what makes you feel better. And what do you mean?
No. I'm I'm going out walking several days a week. Mhmm. I'm back at the gym. Mhmm. So Yeah. I've noticed a difference myself even. So Yeah. I mean, I I, obsess over you. So I noticed I feel like I noticed everything. And to me, you have seemed more tired recently. I am. I think I'm going through a shift. Like I kinda explained before because there was a reason I was waking up Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Through the night. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. I I think you're right. I agree
with you on that. And and I think my body has just become it had gone on for long enough that my body is just like, hey. Wake up. Hey. Wake up. This is what we do. Yeah. This is what we do. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. So Yeah. Our our thing for our Patreon behind the scenes podcast is if you sign up for a Patreon, paid member, $2 a month, oh, you can get that. Last year, the focus of those episodes was on how we were reconnecting in our power
exchange. Mhmm. And this year, that's technically the focus, but the real focus is what we're doing for ourselves as individuals that will help us be better in our power change. And JB's been, like, not always, like because that's what you wanted to do, but he's doing a lot of shit, like, checking shit off the list of, like, okay. This part of my health, this part of my health, this part of my health. Yeah. So and I'm over here, like, I guess I'll go on a fucking walk.
And, you know, the funny thing is, her and I, we cannot walk together. No. We have tried. Anybody who remembers the 5AM in the middle of the summer walks. We try. Yep. It is We we both have such different styles of walking. And we need different things Yep. To, like, enjoy the walk. Mhmm. Yes. And we walk at completely different paces. Yeah. I think his legs are shorter than mine, but I promise you, he is gone.
And I'm over here like, oh, shit. I've had to make up for it all, you know, all my all my life chasing after everybody. Goddamn it. Look. I love that you were our short king. Okay? I think it's fucking amazing. But also, yeah. I get that. Those long legged people, they just don't care. They're not worried about anybody keeping up with them. They're gone. They're gone, man. Them strides and whew. Eat up the ground. Yep. Yeah. So we we do. We walk separately. Mhmm. We
work out separate. I don't like to be perceived when I'm doing many things, but those physical things like that are not don't don't look at me, don't know that I exist. I don't like it when JB perceives me while I'm folding the fucking laundry. And Yeah. So yeah. I mean, there are things I would like to do where I'm not in a position to do them. I'm hoping that can change at some point. But, yeah, it's we're we're each so we're individually taking care of our health, mental, physical, whatever.
As individuals, we are there for one another when we need to be. So, like, I go to most of your doctor's appointments. If I were when I have doctor's appointments, JB the only JB doesn't go to is the gynecologist, which he could. I don't give a fuck. I mean, I I have her go to my appointments for a reason. Well, we're both each other's emotional support spouses. Right. Our blood pressure is better when the other one's in no room with us.
Yeah. But but I That's true. You know, myself sometimes when I'm in a situation like that, listening to doctor talk, I catch only, you know, every other phrase, every other sentence. Especially before your hearing aids. Yeah. And also you'll forget some of your symptoms. And I'm so I learned this with the the kids when I take them to the doctor as they've gotten older. Like, when they're little, you as the adult speak for them because they're too little for that.
But as they get older, doctors start trying to talk to the kid to get them to, like, whatever. And I, had to learn at that stage to let them say as much as they can and only interfere when the information is not forthcoming, which was a lot is a lot for the youngest. She's gotten a whole hell of a lot better. Yeah. But so I'm good at sitting back and not saying much in the office when he is there for a doctor. And, because I know I get the vibe from
some of the doctors. They are waiting for the wife to go, well, his date of birth is this, and his this is this. And I do know that information, but he is capable human being. He can speak for his fucking self. But then there'll be this me with this, like, tone going, oh, and don't forget this symptom. And that'll be all I say, and then I come back down. And they're like, oh, and he goes, oh, yeah. I'm like, yeah. Then that's when I catch the doctor's eye. Like, that's why I'm
here. Okay? I'm not here to talk for him, but to fill in the blanks. Mhmm. Yep. So Yeah. So, yeah, that's that's all all of this is happening because it needs to happen physically. JB needed to go to the doctor for all of these things. Yeah. But we it's very easy, especially especially in the American health care system where going to the doctor is fucking expensive, and it's really hard to get to a doctor and all of that.
It's not uncommon for so many of us to kind of put our health on the back burner because nobody wants to go into medical debt. Right? Nobody wants to be bankrupt because went to the fucking hospital. And we have to the extent that we can because money finances are a real issue. Yeah. We have decided together and individually that to be able to show up for our business, for the kids, for each other, to the extent that we can and that we have access. We have to take care of our health.
I have a goal of getting my cholesterol down, and I would love to get off blood pressure medicine. It's the smallest fucking pill I take, though, like, of all the pills I take. But, like, that's just so we we're putting the focus on that, and then we're thinking of it not just in terms of we'd like to be around for a while because, you know, I'm still waiting on my super cool rock for somebody to to give me. But also because we want to be able to show up in our power exchange
Excuse me. As well as we can, as well as we're capable of. Alright. But it is still very expensive. It's very expensive to do. But we're we're doing what we can. Speaking of that that and from last week, we were talking about the Kinkware Professionals, now granted every state and country will be different. I'm speaking Mhmm. Terms of The US because I know how US health care system works. I went back and it had been ages since I'd looked for Kinkware
therapists throughout the state of Florida. I looked I've looked through the whole state now because TeleMed being what it is. Of the therapists that popped up, it was probably half that didn't take insurance and half that did. So if you're in The US and you have insurance, and you're like, I'm sure I can't find a Kinkaware therapist who will take insurance, double check because it's possible. Yeah. We actually have, like, a short list that we get to go through and be like,
what? Could we actually do this? How go get therapy through our insurance and then be kink aware? Holy shit. Like, that's old standard to me. Yeah. That that that's a pine sky dream right there. I know. So but yeah. Oh, and the live chat folks are talking about who they make the appointments for Mhmm. Kids or or partners. I had to stop making JB's appointments for him because I was so overwhelmed with all the life admin. I was like, I love
you so much. Because I used to. I used to make all his appointments for him, and I do call billing departments on his behalf. Yeah. Our family, like, gen or PCP primary care physician, that whole office, they know my voice very well at that office, both scheduling and billing. Now I just handle billing, which thankfully we don't we don't have a bill with them anymore Right. For now. Well but I did have to kinda go, I'm gonna need you to make your own appointment.
You you did because too much going on. You you did because that, you know, especially with all the appointments I've had recently. Yeah. There's just Yeah. Not enough. And I'm I'm I'm very happy that's behind me now. I know. Talking about kids needing appointments made. Mhmm. The oldest has gotten to the point where he makes his own appointments, but he does not make the appointments he needs. What I mean is, this child has dental insurance and vision insurance now and health insurance.
The only appointment he makes for himself, and I'm glad he does, is with his psychiatrist so that his Adderall prescription can be refilled each month. But that took that was probably six months to a year after he moved out, went to college before he would make that appointment. And he does still delay it. Like, he Yeah. He he does still delay it. Yeah. I think I I will at least be walking through the 16 year old making her own doctor's
appointments when she's, like, in her twenties. I see that coming. Making her own doctor's appointments when she's, like, in her twenties. I see that coming. I might be like, look. You're gonna hold the phone, and you're gonna, like, dial, and I'll tell you what to say. But, you know, we do live in this world of online portals now, and even I use those for making appointments when I can. So yeah.
Part of as I was talking about, you know, not not trying not to speak for the kids when they're in appointments so they can get the experience. The, youngest and I before every new doctor that she's not comfortable with yet, we don't know the vibe yet. I always before we go in, I'm like, how much do you want me to talk? Like, do you want me to shut the hell up? Do you want me to, you know, do you want me to follow the lead? Do you want me to just be prepared?
And we have those conversations now. But as she's gotten older, her most recent doctor's appointment, brand new doctor, and she carried that conversation. It was ice again, I added the details that were getting forgotten, but I just sat back. So Mhmm. Confidence building is a beautiful thing. It is. It is. So That it is. Freckled Austin is, coming in live chat. I found I finally found one. Kinko ware therapist. First appointment next week. Congrats. I hope they are a fit. I hope
they're amazing for you. That's awesome. And Taysh, she was talking about chiropractor doesn't take insurance, and he charges a flat $45 rate. I don't know what their chiropractor charges now, but when we were going to a chiropractor a few years ago, they just didn't take our insurance. They do take insurance because they also do physical therapy, but those visits were $35 a pop. Yeah. The first one was 35, and everything after that was 30 or something like
that. Mhmm. And yeah. Yeah. It was it was relatively You were going a couple times a week there for a while. I was going once a week for a while. Yeah. The we don't wanna change our doctor, but the model of doctor's offices, I'm kind of I'm really intrigued by, and we're using it for something else, is direct direct primary care, direct something care. It's where you pay kind of, like, a membership fee and a monthly amount to your doctor's office.
It and it doesn't go through insurance, and you just make your appointment and you don't pay for the appointment because you've paid the monthly membership fee or subscription fee or whatever it's called. You might have to go have to pay for labs. You might have to, you know, pay if you have to go to another kind of doctor. That's amazing because the good ones, fee's not too freaking crazy. You get longer time with your doctor.
The situation we were in with that kind of direct primary I think it's direct primary care, is what it's called. We had an hour in there with that doctor. New patient, a whole new thing. We had a lot to go over, but that was fucking amazing. Yeah. The only reason we get thirty minutes with our primary care is because they schedule us together back to back, so we just overlap one another and take our whole thirty minutes.
So, yeah, if, like, if we didn't have insurance or if we did not love our primary care, I would a 100% look into that, because the the only hard part is when you'd, like you're a couple and it's you're paying for this person, you're paying for that person, whatever whatever. But Yeah. It doesn't mean you don't still need insurance because for big stuff or specialists, probably, you know, you would. But it's it's an intriguing model. Mhmm. It is. So But
anyway I I had an understanding too. And a number of years ago, I had heard that a lot of, therapists and and whatnot were leaving these bigger companies Mhmm. Because they felt that they were too, hobbled by the insurance. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I see a lot of people online talking about that. Yeah. And and they've left open up their own Mhmm. Practice. They don't take insurance. They're a little you know, but But not all, obviously, but many offer sliding
sliding fee, sliding scale fee. I can't remember what the term is. But, basically, they have their amount, and then you can be like, it's possible to get a discount for being broke. That's how we were able to get the youngest into therapy when we did. We we were oh my god. Broke is a fucking joke. We my mom gave me the money for the youngest, like, first six months of therapy, and that's how we started. And then by the time she was in, we've, like, figured it all out of how we could do it.
But yeah. And that was with a discount. Like, their normal fee was, like, a 100 and some odd dollars a session, and the we got it, like, down to 80. I don't know. But yeah. So insurance sucks. Mhmm. You can. Health care when it's good, it's great. Mhmm. Health care when it's not, man, that shit sucks too. Yeah. Yeah. I've gotta I've gotta find a new dentist office and a a new gynecologist. I still haven't done that. And I need to do it before my
prescriptions start running out. Yeah. It took what? Two, three years Anyhoo. Probably should go. Yeah. Probably should. I got gotta work on dinner. Yeah. It's in the crock pot, and I'm I need to do, like, the last step for the last hour of cooking. And it's almost, time for me to feed the fur babies too. They have not started crying as if they're starving yet. So why? Not yet. So that's that's a plus. We should go before they start as well. Yeah. Okay. Oh, I'm I have say I'm very
grateful for the fan. Yeah. It's not sweltering in here. No. No. Okay. I guess we'll go. Mhmm. Thank you all for being here. Yep. Especially to the bitter end. Especially for the most random part of the Yeah. The whole thing. We appreciate you. We love our crickets. We will see y'all next week. Mhmm. Okay. Bye. Bye.