You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode four thirty two. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only the guy who's wearing a shirt that says Carl in a way that I will not say, but if you, watched our YouTube livestreams back in, what, twenty twenty two, twenty twenty three? Mhmm. You know. Call. God. I kinda wanted you to do that, and I kinda didn't. I'm I'm still not sure where I land on that. That's not what we're talking about. I don't even
what do you do after that? I don't I don't know. So this week, what we're actually talking about, is a little experiment we did over the previous weekend prior to recording within our dynamic to test out obedience and submission in public, like where things could be different and a little unpredictable instead of our house or it's the same all the time. So, yeah, we're gonna talk about what we did and how we felt about it and how it went. And, yeah,
welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC on that handle I will forever fucking hate on Instagram and threads.
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That's patreon.com/kaylalords or use the link in the show notes. Okay. So, for podcast listeners, we're time traveling. I literally don't know what the title of this episode will be for y'all because I don't I haven't found the words to make this concise. But basically, what we're gonna talk about is a thing we did this past weekend where we tightened up some rules that we already have as part of our power exchange and then kind of played with some, like, in a
light way. I mean, it wasn't, like, heavy handed. Played with some rules and then went out into the public world where things can be more unpredictable than staying in our house. And it was an experiment, and it was one of I don't know how many we'll do this year, but, like, these experiments to see what did we decide to do, what did we think about it, how did it make us feel, how did it work out as part of this process of, like, what are words?
Of focusing on our power exchange and reconnecting because that's that's what we're doing this year. Mhmm. And going forward, but definitely this year. Well, it's funny when we first were started talking about doing this, I looked at her and said, oh, does that mean I can have slave Kayla? And I I immediately got tears in my eyes. It was an immediate gut reaction of I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready for that. So let's see if we can, like, lay this
out for y'all. I did kind of make some notes to kind of keep us on track. But Kinda, sorta, maybe. If I'm already, like, losing my train of thought this early, I don't know. We're in big trouble. Right. So I started with the why, then we can get into the what. Okay. The why, from my perspective of what we did, was to, like, test old and not old power exchange patterns. We've some of these things that we did this past weekend, we used to do all the
time. We used to do it in all the time, especially in the beginning, when we had a little bit more of a high protocol. Yeah. And when we were just like, when we got to be together, we were just in our power exchange y selves. Like, anytime we could be together, but Sometimes it was because we were purposely going and doing kink things. Like, when you're going to the munch or you're going to the dungeon, your head's kind of already there. And so it's easy to to be in that headspace and do some of
these things. Yeah. Over time, not just because of the the craziness that we had for a few years, but just, like, I think because long term relationships can do this. Mhmm. Some of these things fell away. Some of these things became less important. We just didn't we just didn't focus on them. Right. So this was us focusing on things that we used to do more often and some rules that have always been in place. We just get a little lax about them. And then to figure out how we felt about it
and what our experience was. So the what. Here's that's the that's the thing. Right? Now I didn't eat and potatoes. Right. So the what was we negotiated. We knew we had a busy weekend last weekend, lots of errands, lots of going out and doing stuff, both Saturday and Sunday. And we agreed that we would basically tighten up the power exchange Yeah. While we were out in public. Mhmm. I had rules that I always am supposed to follow, and then we just added a couple more. And y'all, this is not you
know, when we tell y'all, hey. Start low, start slow, start small. This is what that is. This is an example of that. Because when we sat down to negotiate this, JB said, oh, so, like, I was, like, I wanna play with obedience and, like, rules being out with you and whatever. I was, like, I want to both do what you you say and be like your little duckling who doesn't have to, like, no brains, just, you know, vibes. Right? And he goes, oh, like, slave Kayla? And,
y'all, I'm not joking. It was an immediate response of was a very visceral reaction from her. Right. My And not a good one. My eyes started watering. I gasped, and I went, not this weekend. No. So we can maybe work up to that. When I had that response Mhmm. It was also internally an immediate, I don't think I can do that. Not I don't want to do that. I don't think I can do that. Not never. Just Yeah. Not right now. So we we I got him to pull way the fuck back. And so the rules were Mhmm.
The rules were, one, you had to ask permission to do anything. Mhmm. Walk away, go to the bathroom, you know, buy something. I always ask permission before you buy something anyway. But Yeah. Anything anything that could come up, I had to ask permission. I was the one with to make all the decisions. Mhmm. And no input, just me making decisions. Right. I sort of was we never talked about this directly, but I sort of assumed if you wanted input, you would ask me. Mhmm. And
then I would just respond. Yeah. And, you know, then then it was just basically a lot of the other some of the the, things that we've already had in our power exchange as far as not touching doors, walking on a specific side. Mhmm. You know, things like that. Mhmm. Yeah. It was it really was very simple. Now in the negotiations, I it was definitely, like, working an old muscle. Mhmm. But because I was partly proud of myself, but also
it felt awkward. It does not felt awkward to negotiate in a I like, I don't even remember the last time that happened, but we haven't actively negotiated anything Mhmm. In a very long time. So there was that moment of, oh, this this feels like putting on a shirt that's a little too tight. Like, this feels weird. Dusting off something that yeah. Yeah. But I was proud of myself because you know how I you love, to to slightly joke, but not really, that I'll find a loophole? Yes. Well, I just asked
about those in negotiations. So I was like, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. I've gotta ask permission for everything. Well, what if we're separated in the building and I gotta go to the bathroom? I said and I pointed out. I was like, I am at a point in life that by the time I know I gotta go to the bathroom, it it's time to go. We're at a pee pee dance level. And he goes, well, I guess you'll just need to text me then, won't you? I was like, okay. Okay. We're going
that serious then. Okay. So, case in point though on the texting thing being imperfect, we did get separated in one of the places we went to purposely. Like, he gave me permission to go walk around. And he texted me asking where I was. And before I physically saw him, I was texting him back. And then I saw him, but I sent the text anyway. He did not hear the text come through. So that that would have sucked if I'd had to go to the bathroom and we
we weren't standing next to one another. But but some things I did purposely to get through this. So, I since the ask questions, but don't just, like, you know, offer unsolicited advice and opinions as I am won't to do in every facet of life, what that what I did for I got nervous that I would forget myself, that it's been so long that I would just blurt out whatever. Right? Did you wonder or think that I might do that? I did. Mhmm. I
did. Oh, and before we get into this, let me just say, for this experiment, there would not be, like, crazy, harsh consequences. No. This was about, can we do this and how does it make us feel? And how does it feel? How how you know, after afterwards, you know, did what we'd like? Did did we not like something? Blah blah blah.
Right. Yeah. So if if and when we do some version of this again, we will modify that, and there probably will be consequences because now we've had the first experiment, and it I would say it went well from both perspectives. Okay. Absolutely. So here we are. We're out. We went to two massive antique stores. We went to thrift stores. We went here. We went there. We got we went to get frozen yogurt, which was delightful.
Several things. And that was just Saturday. So I did get worried that I would forget myself and just blurt out whatever thought might be in my brain. So I did what you would say is impossible, but clearly, I managed it. I just stayed very quiet. You did. Unless I had something I, like, was not part of the conversation. I just didn't I let you lead the conversations. He's very quiet. There was not a lot of conversation going on. I kinda just I didn't feel meek and mild. I just
was like, I'll I'll just exist. Now I I will have to say, I was very impressed both days. Where I thought you would, break away from this was when we were in the car, and you didn't. Mm-mm. No. And it was not as hard as I thought it would be. I was very nervous that I would just because I so when I especially now, y'all, if you've gone through the perimenopause episode, you know,
my memory can be for shit. And also I'm a person that when I get enthusiastic about something, I get excited about something, I can I can forget some elements of discipline? Right? And my big fear in negotiating this before we got started was I would have to walk around with the running mental, I can't think of the word I want, but basically the words in my head going, watch yourself, watch yourself, watch yourself. And I was like, oh, god. Commentary? Yeah. And it was yeah. I mean, there's
a word. I can't think of it. It doesn't matter. But, basically, like, I would I would just walk around reminding myself internally, reminding myself the whole time not to fuck up. And then I went, well, I could do that, or I could just not have much to say. Mhmm. And it was not a censorship thing. I wasn't having to bite back words. I wasn't having to, change myself or change my natural exuberance. I was just like, I'm I'm just gonna
sit and exist. And when he wants to talk or he brings something up or he asks me a question, of course. Or the other thing I thought was instead of stating things Mhmm. If I there's something I wanna talk about, I'll just ask a question because asking a question, you know, implies I'm getting permission for us to start this conversation. Because at any point you could have shut it down shut down a conversation and be like, I don't wanna talk about this right now. That would have I would have
done it. I would've respected it. I always would, but that might've hurt my feelings. I'm just saying. And that was not in an effort to make myself lesser or smaller in a way that is not healthy. It was not I didn't treat it like it was potential punishment. I just went instead of stressing myself out that I'm gonna forget to do something or have to stop myself, why don't I just like chill and see what happens with that? But me being quiet is unusual. Mhmm.
It is unusual. It is. Okay. I'm I'm setting myself up for this, so just know that I know. How did you feel about what did you think about that, level of quiet? It was different. Mhmm. It was very different because, you know, normally and you and you've talked about this in the past, you know, you have become so comfortable Mhmm. With me and safe with me that you just say All the things. All the things, you know. Who needs to think things when you can
say them out loud? Yeah. You know, at at at any point. Mhmm. And, you know, there was a part of me that was kinda like, waiting for the shoe to drop. I thought so. I didn't think so. Okay. You know, I I was waiting for that that shoe to drop, and, it didn't. It didn't. I was I was locked in. I was focused on what we were doing. It never felt bad in any way where I didn't wanna be doing it. It felt unusual. Yes. I would felt out of practice. Mhmm.
And I actually have it's been so long since we've done certain forms of, like, subtle power exchange in public that there was a time I stopped feeling awkward if I had to ask you a question so I didn't hear. And this time, like, we go into the there's two antique stores that are across the highway from one another. They have their own individual vibes. From what we can tell, the one, the first one we went into is run by, pardon the stereotypes, but sometimes they're true, run by
men. And it looks like a place that is run by a certain kind of man who can put things in piles and he knows where everything is, but nobody else does. That's that antique shop. And then the antique shop on the other side is based on observation seems to be run by women, and it's very color coordinated and it's very delightful. Anyway, so we're in that first one that's it's antique y, but it's also kinda junkyard y ish, which is fine. I mean, we find interesting things. We enjoy being there.
But we barely walked in. You found their first of many sections of, just boxes of albums to Yes. To rifle through. Mhmm. And, thankfully, you didn't make me ask. I had to ask later, but you were like, go ahead. Yeah. Like, you but I actually expected at some point for you to make me stand there while you did a thing that would bore the shit out of me because that would be a a you know, we'd be playing with obedience. I'm kinda grateful you did. Yeah. I kinda did a little bit towards the end, but
Yeah. But then I started feeling bad, so then I think you started feeling bad for me. Like, I got this real bad headache, and I was I think it was the dust and the the smells from just I you know, if you go into a place I find this true in thrift stores and at the flea market. If you go into places where there's just a lot of old things, used things that are carrying their own scents, pleasant or unpleasant, I tend to get a headache from from
that. There's something about the sensory input that's a bit overwhelming. So by the end, I did want to go, but I knew better than to say that. I was like, I'll just stand here patiently, and he will tell me when we're done. But the first time, you were like, okay. Go ahead. There was a lady in the the section where you were looking you were gonna look at albums, and I was like, I hope she's, like, in her own world because you really were like, you may go.
And I was happy for that because I knew I would be super bored if if I didn't, and my feet would start to hurt. And then I'd probably get whiny, and this would have been a different kind of experiment. But I also had the, oh my god. Did did that person notice? Were they paying any? I hope they weren't. That was that first moment of, oh, I've forgotten how Oh, this is real. Right. And and also, I've forgotten what it feels like to be this way in public where others
might hear. Like, in the very, very beginning of our relationship when we did that, I was always a little embarrassed. I was always worried with somebody here. And then there came over time, I was like, what? They we're keeping it low key enough. They might think it's weird, but they won't think anything of it Mhmm. If they're even paying attention. And this time I was like, did that that lady hear? It didn't matter. I wandered off. You did your thing. Then he texts me, where you at?
And I'm trying to text him back, but I see him. I sent the text and I watch because I'm like, oh, he said to text him. And I knew I knew he sometimes doesn't hear texts. So I was like, let's just and then my inner good girl went, no. No. No. No. No. If you see him and you are not making sure he knows where you are in response to his question, you are gonna get in trouble. So I sent the text. I waited a beat, felt guilty, started walking towards you.
Because I I could see where that was riding the line between, like, you were not asking where I was just for the hell of it. You wanted to either find me or for for me to find you. Correct. If I had already found you and had done nothing about it, I I I think I think there would have been a reaction I did not enjoy is all I'm saying. Mhmm. Even with no consequences in play, JB's almost never needed to do consequences. He can just give the look, use a tone, say a thing, and I'm like,
I don't like this feeling. So I wanted to avoid that. I wanted to avoid that. That was very easy to slip into the I can see how I could, like, do this my way, or I can see how I can do this and be submissive and a good girl. And and I I was like, well, that this is not that difficult. Let's go down that track. That's where I wanna be. And that was kinda cool because it's it's very rare these days where I see that clear delineation because we're just kinda of stuck in our
habits, and we do the same thing. It's why we had to take this outside of our house. Right. Because And and you know, the best way for me to describe this all Mhmm. What is, you know how every day you commute to work, and you take the same route to work every day, same route home every day, day after day after day, day in day out. And then one day you decide to take a new route, you know. And then the old route, you can pretty much just, you know, start your
car and go on autopilot. You know? You know? And now you gotta learn a new way. Mhmm. You know? And I I think for me what it was, you know, I've talked about being more mindful of our, power exchange and and this really kind of pushed that Mhmm. That for me. You know, I I had to be mindful. I had to be aware of what, you know Mhmm. What we were doing and everything. So that that was a little different. Was it different good, different, neutral? Neutral. You noticed I didn't say bad, because I've
Yeah. If you didn't like it, I think I would've I'm assuming I would've heard sooner than today. Yeah. No. You know, it was it was neutral. I I definitely didn't not like it. Mhmm. You know? I did enjoy it. I was that was gonna be my next question, is if you enjoyed that that level of mindfulness of Mhmm. Because I felt like I needed to be aware of my own behaviors. I'm kind of always aware of you. I just needed to be more self aware.
Yeah. So what I'm curious about is on your end, was it a did you need to be more were you more self aware, or were you more aware of me or both or something else? Okay. Definitely both. Okay. See, I think, yeah, I kind of have the advantage. I'm mostly so attuned to you, which is can be very annoying to him because I'll notice he's cranky before he knows he's cranky. Oh, man.
So, yeah, like, that it was not being being aware of where you were, of your mood, of what you might want, that was in no way new or hard at all. It was more of a the self discipline to what I was supposed to do. I get it. But I think that, you know, doing it in this small dose and in this very, specific parameters, the rule was basically from the time we get in the car at home to leave, from the time we get out of the car at home when we're done Correct. That was the time for this.
And that first day, it was several hours, and through a headache. So look at me. I could still do it even with was it a migraine? It was I don't know what it was. It sucked. There did come a point when was it? I can't remember what shop we were in. Might have been the second antique store. It might have been one of the the thrift stores we went in, but I had to ask permission. It was in one of the antique stores because we had stopped some place where you could, like, look at these things, and I
was like, I don't wanna be here. So I asked. I said, can I keep on walking? Can I wander? And he was like, yes. You may. I was like, okay. That's kinda sexy. But she could have been like, yeah. Sure. But there's something about getting the response from you as when you're in dom mode versus when we're just like Yes. Whatever. Yeah. And it it was strange because I hadn't heard you talk to me like that. And it wasn't y'all, it was not special words. It was not
a special tone. It was I think it was the intentionality Mhmm. Of I had asked for permission, you were granting it, that it had just a different flavor to it. And that was kinda cool. And I was like and I had it's been a long time since I've had this, but I walked away and I was like, he let me go and do this thing I wanted to do. I felt very special. Like, my daddy said yes.
And I don't know if any other sub out there can relate to that feeling of asking for the thing you want and getting it and knowing you got it from the dom, not just the partner. Like it's I just there's a different flavor to it, is all I'm saying. So Yeah. That was that was fun. I ended up going to the bathroom in one of the places we went to. I I had to have asked permission, but I have completely forgotten. I just remember I I had to go to the bathroom. It was
time. It was time. I don't even remember where we were. I don't even remember how that went. I don't remember that moment either. I don't I just remember that the the urge came, and I was like, I'm so glad I'm not trying to text through this because I gotta go to the bathroom. That was the other thing that I would do it anyway because I kinda just like being near you. You know, how that whole partnership thing goes. That whole love thing.
But once especially once I realized you might not hear a text, I was, like, short of asking to walk away or being permission to go wander, I'll just stay close by. And that was I hate to say that. Felt new and exciting too because we have absolutely gotten into a point now that we do go to, like, antique stores or thrift stores, places where we can wander. And I don't like, at the flea market, there's no wandering because I am overstimulated from the moment we walk in.
He has to keep hold of me so I won't just, like, freeze somewhere, or burst into tears because my head hurts so bad. But, like, in these other places where there's, you know, there's space to wander, we have just gotten into this habit of we'll for a couple minutes, we'll be together, and then we just break off and go do our own thing. Whereas this time, it was only with permission. It was intent even
when we were apart, it was intentional. We had briefly, like, seconds talked about it, understood where the other was. It wasn't just a wandering off from each other, a mindless wandering off. And then, yeah, once I realized, oh, that text thing might not work, so I was like, you know what? You know what? Here here's how I keep myself in line. Oh, just stay right the fuck here. That's that seems best. And it's a little bit like, staying quiet so I couldn't let my mouth run away with me.
It just it was on balance, it was kind of a an easier way to go because I really did worry that I was so out of practice that I would fuck it up unintentionally. And there wouldn't have been some big backlash, but I don't like disappointed JB any more than I like angry JB. So I just I wanted it to go
well. So I was being intentional and and very focused on being the best baby girl I could be and putting making sure I didn't put myself in situations where I could accidentally break one of the rules or do something air quote wrong. It was just easier if I stayed within and and this was a me thing. This was not him demanding this and, you know, making wanting me to shrink myself in some way. It was more like, this allows me to do this thing and not get in trouble.
And also, I was well aware that that was different from our normal behavior. And if we're gonna experiment, let's experiment with different behavior too. Right? So the other thing JB did, and this is not something we talked about, specifically. It was just a thing he did. I think he picked it up from me going, I just wanna be your duckling. I don't wanna have to look across the street. I don't like, you just guide. Right? You just lead.
Everywhere he went, he the moment we were walking towards the thing, like, we'd get half a step and his hand was out like, hold my hand and I'm like, okay. And that was really nice because we have been holding hands more often recently when we're when we're out in public. Yes. But it's either a thing that I'm grabbing for you or our hands just brush and we go, oh, yeah. There you are. And we hold hands. This time, through this experiment, his hand was out behind him because we don't have a rule.
I have to walk behind him, but, you know, he's leading the way. And hand behind him, and it was no question. Of course, I was gonna grab it. Like, of course. I liked that. That something about you putting your hand out for me to take without like, you're not looking at me. You're not questioning it. It's just an understood up. My hand's out here. She's gonna hold it. Something about that makes me feel very submissive. Feels actually makes me feel the baby girl
side. Like that, you know, bordering on a little you know, I always say it's kind of the spec in the spectrum of that. Like, I that's when you're, like, taking care of me. You're making sure I don't, like, wander off and get lost anywhere. You're making sure you know exactly where I am and that where I am is, like, connect physically connected to you. And I like that feeling. I really like that feeling. Okay. That
feeling is nice. That's Now, through through all this, I have to say, I think there was one hiccup. Mhmm. And we're at the flea market. The flea market was a couple weeks ago. Oh, a couple weeks ago. That's right. We did I mean, we we outside the experiment That's right. We did have we always have issues when we go to the flea market because I'm immediately overstimulated. Yeah. It's it's a very overwhelming place for me. I like being there. There's especially when I'm looking for something, but
I also hate being there. But what were you thinking of? What I was thinking of while that when we were walking through that day, as we were getting to the back of the flea market, you were having a hard time. My feet hurt. My head hurt. Your feet, your head. Yeah. Everything. Too many fucking people. I was two people were too close. There was no personal space. And and there was a booth that I I really wanted to walk through Mhmm. And see. But I knew you were having, you know, your
I was having a moment. Yeah. And and outside the booth in the main hallway there, there was a bench. Mhmm. And I told you to sit down Mhmm. And and rest and wait for me. And you kind of pushed back a little bit on that. Yes. Had we been in the experiment, I would not have. Mentally, I would have. I'd had thoughts. I'd had thoughts. And here's what's funny. At that time, and this again, y'all, it's like two or three weeks ago. It's outside of the scope of this experiment.
I could see myself pushing back, and I was like because this this experiment, is a culmination of me trying to kinda just be more submissive on my own and not asking JB if he notices, if he cares, if this is the way he wants me to be. I was just like, let's see what happens if I try this. What happens is I shock the shit out of him. But because there was nothing, negotiated or organized and we won't we weren't both on the same page about it, Parts of my very natural personality were coming
out. And there was one time you were like, I want you to sit here, and I will be back. And I the, social anxiety side of me went, no. I don't like that. And I pushed back then Mhmm. Because I had this, like, how long are you gonna be gone? And, you know, all the the not at all rational thoughts that I get when I'm in spaces around. There's too many people. Like, I know it's not rational. I know other people would be like, oh, well, why do you
just why don't you just do this? Well, if my brain would fucking let me, I would. But what's happening to me is I'm internally panicking over a thing that hasn't happened yet, but it might happen and I might not know how to handle it. And what am I gonna do? And, yeah, I know. I'm a functioning adult. I get it. But whatever. So that time I was like, nope. I don't wanna be left here by myself. And the second time you were like, I'm going in that the the bench and the booth were 10
feet away. You're like, I'm going in that booth. You sit right here. And I went, okay. Not a problem. Not a problem. And I and I was grateful to sit down. But that was outside of a negotiated parameters, and so I wasn't watching myself as closely as I was this past weekend. Yeah. And this weekend will be quiet. We won't do much, but I think the following weekend, we'll probably go and do a whole bunch of things. Yeah. And we might try this again with stricter parameters or, you know, whatever.
Yeah. We need to make a trip to the downtown market one weekend. I know. I need more soap from that soap maker. Mhmm. So yeah. I mean, overall, the experiment, I I enjoyed it. Mhmm. I reminded myself that I I like how this feels. I had to remind myself of what it feels like to be bound by, Okay. Subjective term, strict rules. Some people go, those are not strict rules. For us, they were. I've been speaking my fucking mind for a decade now. Yeah. It's
very rare. Let's put it let's put it to you this way. What I found the nicest, many times when we're out and about, I will get, why are you going this way? No. You you we're going there, but why are you going this way? You could you should be going that way. You take what I say that way sometimes, you know, in fairness to JB. Sometimes, yes. I do say it that way. Especially over the past few years. But lately, as I've tried to be more mindful, you are primed to take it that way.
What I'm trying to do is get information because I wanna understand what's happening. So you like to take multiple different routes to the same location. I have grown used to that. I do not. I like to just go the way, because if I have to think every time I try to think about different options I have, I overwhelm myself because I'm like, well, this one, here's the the downfalls of doing that one. But if I do this one, here's the things that might annoy me on that. And then I'm like, don't make a
decision. It's fucked up and I know. But you like to do it so often. I just like to check-in. It's anxiety talking. It's not anything else. Mhmm. And check-in and make sure I understand what's happening. Now in years past, that is not what was that was what was happening, but it was not done in any way, shape, or form that make me appear submissive. Okay. Because I those were times I think my anxiety was riding me, and it was overriding every other part of my personality.
That's a thing for me to work on. I'm not, you know, I'm not saying, well, that that I should just be excused. That's just what was happening. This time, over the past few weeks, let me say that, what I'm doing is going, oh, you're take I'm trying to ask, are you taking this alternate route? Because I just wanna know where the fuck we're going. That has nothing to do with you. That's not about your ability to drive. That's not about whether you're
going the quote correct way. It's just this little anxious brain just needs to know where she's going. And I'm trying to like check-in because, and here's the thing, and this Yep. This is a long term relationship thing. I am sure it happens to anybody and everybody of all flavors and all sides with Slash. But the longer you are with somebody, the more you will see when they because they're not thinking, because they're tired, because they're
distracted, they'll make little mistakes, right? Like people do. Well, I am a service sub with anxiety. If I can do something that will prevent you from making a mistake, I'm gonna try to do that. You're gonna jump in there. I've been using my submissive voice to do this over the past couple years. No. No. I have not. No. I'm not. But we talked about this before when we were talking about kinda coming out of
the stress. When it feels like every decision you make is, like, it has to be done correctly or you've like created more stress for yourself, there's gonna be you've made a mistake that's big enough to feel. That's where that comes from. You're, you know, trying not to make these mistakes because they'll cost you. They'll cost you time, They'll cost you materials. They'll cost you money. Right? These days, it's more like, oh, two things.
Anxiety of I I don't want him to be wrong and then have to, like, feel whatever he's gonna feel about being wrong. That's not healthy. I know. But that's how I am. But also the running joke that's not really a joke in our relationship is if JB makes a just a basic little mistake, but I knew what was happening. He will go, well why didn't you say anything? And I have to go because when I do, you get mad at me. So I can't win
no matter what. And then when I say that and I complain, he gets to do his sadistic chuckle because he knows I'm right. So there's all these factors are all coming into play when I start, and I've like I said, past several weeks, I've tried to be really mindful and do it in what I perceive to be a submissive way and not say, well, why are you doing it like that? And more like, oh, is this what you're doing? I just wanna know if I'm right. Am I understanding it
right? Because how many times have you almost turned where you didn't mean to turn, and I have to go, oh, weren't we going a place where he should have kept going straight? And he goes, oh, fuck yeah. And he swerves us back. And then Yeah. And I'm gonna say that is the fine You have done that a few times and and it has yes. That is the fine line of service when that service
is though those kinds of things. When it's not an the activity, when it's guidance, it's advice, it's information based, I am supposed to communicate information to you. Right. That means there will be times that there's I don't win that argument no matter what because either I tried to offer information that you didn't need, and so now I'm a know it all who's just trying to tell you what to do.
Or it was information you needed, but you were a little annoyed with yourself that you needed it but we project that on others. Or I don't say anything because last three times he was annoyed because he didn't need the information but I thought he might. So I don't offer the information, and then he's like, but why didn't you tell me? And then that's when my head explodes. Okay? That's when there's just bits of brain inside the car. See, in my mind, I and I know I do that. I I know
I do that. I think most people do that. I you know. It's just a thing. And I really thought, recently that I have been not doing that as much. I think you have been better about it. Yes. These disparities in trying to serve with information and knowledge and advice and whatever whatever Mhmm. The worst times we've had at it are the times we've been the most stressed. Because True. That's not a time when we're hearing each other. Mhmm. And it's also a time when our responses to one another are
part of our anxieties. They're stress responses. We're like, we don't have a conversate a calm conversation. Mhmm. We come into a air quote conversation And I think we've done that for just long enough that we're both primed for each other's worst responses. You are primed for me to go, why are you doing it this way? What's happening? What's and that was never about you, your dominance, your your ability as an adult. None of that. You being my partner has never been about that.
That is anxiety on my part trying to take get the information I need to figure out what's going on so I am prepared. That's all that's ever been. Likewise, me letting you know or asking, do you is this what you mean to do? It's not a criticism of yours. It's an acknowledgement that sometimes you forget where you're going. You get into autopilot. I go into autopilot and yeah. Right. And it's it's it's, acknowledging that you're fallible. Like, you can make
mistakes. You have made mistakes, but it's not a critique. Right? And yet I think what has happened in the recent past is you've just kinda wanted to be left alone to do the damn thing. But as a traumatized people pleaser, that's where me and a therapist talk about my childhood. You making the mistake and then the aggravation that comes from making the mistake is more than I can bear. It's more than I can handle
emotionally and mentally. That is my problem to, like, go work out, but that's what happens. So I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you can't make a mistake. Is it driving you fucking baddie? Is it making you question whether I'm even submissive or not? Right. I'm not saying it's a good coping mechanism or strategy. Just saying it's it's the one I've used. So this weekend, what makes all, like, what makes all of this relevant is this weekend during these very specific parameters,
there was none of that. I just kept my damn mouth do you know what happened? Oh my god. Uh-uh. I hate to admit this to you because you'll wanna do this more often. Negotiating these rules and and how we were gonna be in public Mhmm. And and me deciding. Just just stay quiet. Unless you got something you really need to say, just just chill. Just let him talk. Let him lead the conversation. And, you know, asking questions instead of making statements. I was less anxious while you were driving.
Really? I was sitting there. Like, my brain got quiet, which is just rare in general. Yeah. And I think it's because I was really focused on the power exchanger. I was really focused on my role and, you know, what we were doing and how I felt and what it meant and blah blah blah. And I was focused on not doing what I usually do. And something about that, I am not smart enough to know what that is. I'm not educated enough to know what
that is. But something about that moment, the only time I got nervous while we were riding around was when some dumbass in front of you did something stupid and you had to react. Not just because you're out here driving and what and I just I I don't know if it showed, but I felt much calmer, much less anxious. The anxiety, it's always there. It's always there. But it was massively decreased. It was so much less. It it absolutely was.
And, you know, this did not come about with the experimental weekend, but I'm I'm gonna tie it in. You know, when we when we're getting ready to go out, a lot of times I'm ready before Kayla is. Mhmm. And I'm sitting waiting. And then she'll get ready and she'll come and she'll just quietly sit. And not even when we're going out, when we're doing we're planning activities too. Things we need to get done. Mhmm. I know where you're going with this. And and and she'll
just sit, you know. And most of the time I'm playing either my my game, the rise of cultures, or I'm doing solitaire. Mhmm. You know. And and she just, you know, comes out and sits down and is quiet. And I keep doing my thing. I'm like, why didn't you tell me you were actually ready? And I said, because you were in the middle of something. And I figured when
you were done, you would say something. So, I turned to her and I said, baby girl, I said, from here on out moving forward, when you are ready, regardless of what I am doing, you tell me that you are ready to go. That was the return of your Donnelly Stern voice. I had not heard it in literal years. I heard you be angry and annoyed, but not with the dominant tone on it. Just the exasperated man tone. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a difference. I'm sorry if you
have not experienced it. There's a difference. And so that moment, here's the thing. I think the reason we could do this particular experiment is because we've started doing these things on our own without a formal set time Mhmm. Parameters, blah blah blah, like we did this past weekend. It started and I it's when I I admitted it to you. It started when I was like, I'm just gonna be a little duckling and follow
him. Right? And that felt really good. And, you know, over time, we've relaxed enough to kind of start feeling that dumb sub role a little bit, but not not in a planned way. Right? And this happened before this past weekend because I think I mentioned it in an intro to something, a podcast episode, a video I don't remember about you using your stern voice, and I hadn't heard that voice in a very long time. And it's a I don't know. I I'm sure others can relate to this, but it's
I hadn't felt it in so long. It was foreign. So there's when when you were saying that, there was the understanding that you were correct because I was taking advantage of the fact that I didn't wanna do the thing we needed to do. And, oh, he was busy, so I'll read my book over here. Right? I I knew I knew what I was doing. So there was this brief flare of the shame I feel when I'm called out when I'm found to have done something wrong.
Again, that's for me and a therapist whenever that day comes again. Because I I but I know where that comes from. And then I know why I'm always trying to be a good girl and I'm a people pleaser. I I know where that all comes from. So there was that and it's just a flare of feeling ashamed because I did know better, and you were unhappy, and here you are with your stern voice, and that's not fine. And that thankfully and I I think it's because I know I'm safe. You are my safe person. Mhmm.
Even when you're angry at me, you still love me. I cannot tell you how many years it's taken for me to internalize that. Just saying. What way longer than we've been married, if that helps. Oh, goodness. Uh-huh. And then on the backside of that, there was this oh. Oh, I I feel kinda submissive. Yeah. I'll tell what he says. No I mean, I could've been like, woah. Woah. Woah. Time out. Let's negotiate this. Right? And there are times you'll make a pronouncement, usually out of anger,
not always with your dumb voice. No. And I'll go, time out. Time out. Let's talk. Let's negotiate this. This no. One, I I knew what I had done. Okay. I've been like, oh, look. He's playing his game. I'll just read my book some more. He'll tell me when he's ready. Mhmm. Knowing that I get lost in my book, and he'll get lost in his game and we won't get anything done. So, yeah, it was it was this the flare of shame and then the the, like, spike of, oh, that makes me feel
submissive. Oh, I've missed that. Was so, like they were almost on top of one another. So it was this really strange I can kinda still feel it when I think about it. Because I wanted to both cry and giggle at the same time, but the effect of it, past that, like, two second blip of emotion was, yep. That's what I'm gonna do going far. You're right. And I didn't even question it. And it was it then became a point of conversation because I was like, you haven't used that voice
in a long time. Now I know you did that out of a certain level of annoyance or aggravation. Mhmm. But when you did that, how did you feel beyond the annoyance slash aggravation? Empowered. Nice. I mean, that's Yeah. Now we haven't had a lot of situations for that recently, but they have come up even today. I I did what you told me to do, and I let you know that I was done. So then how does it make you feel when I continue to do the when I do the thing that you told me to do?
It makes me feel proud of you that you're doing Aw. I wasn't even going for that. But I know. I mean, yeah. I was thinking about how you feel in your dominant self is really what I was thinking. I mean, thank you for being proud of me, but sort of like how I can still and I can remember that feeling I had when you got on to me, and you can remember feeling empowered. Does any of that empowerment carry over for you when you recognize that a rule that you set is being followed or your
instructions are being followed? It definitely does. It it definitely does. I I I lost it. I wish I didn't look what I was thinking while you were talking there, but I can't no. I can't I can't get it back right now. I understand. Yeah. Believe me. Podcast hosts who lose their train of thought in mid sentence because we're professionals. We're the best. We're so good at this. How long we've been doing it? Right.
Only ten years. Yeah. So that was a a windy way to talk about the grand experiment Mhmm. And how it connects to past and present stuff because this wasn't, like, a thing that came out of nowhere. This we were leading up to this. Mhmm. I was doing some of this on my own, but then wanting to know how it made you feel. And I was like, but that's not fair because I haven't clued him into what I'm fucking doing. So how is he even aware enough to think about it. Right?
But in the conversations of telling you what I had done in those, you know, go when we went to the flea market, when we did this, when we did that, something was happening because you had that moment where daddy Dom's stern voice came out. I don't like that voice, but I I do respect it. And so, you know, you had that moment. And then here we are. We sat down. We negotiated. You were very pleased with yourself when you were like, oh, so we'll do slave Kayla.
I was like I mean, y'all, my reaction was so immediate. It was. I was like, you know, when I when I talk to y'all about figuring out your limits, and I'm like, sometimes you just know, it was like it was a knowing. I was like it was not a never because as an experiment, I would try it. Mhmm. But it was a knowing that, no. I'm not ready for that. Yeah. And we're not there yet. So so all of those things are intertwined because
it all leads to what we did. And what we did, I recognize, will sound very slight and small and like it wasn't a lot, but it was outside of our current, air quote, normal behavior even though I think we would both like to be more like we were this weekend while we were in in the experiment Mhmm. Than we have been because what we have been is, from my perspective, so loose and relaxed that I I let my anxiety override my submissive nature.
You get frustrated with it, but don't allow your dumb self to take care of it. Mhmm. It's it's the the frazzled, frustrated, stressed man who's like, I know, woman. Stop being crazy. Right? Like and so I think it's safe to say we would want more of what we had in the experiment. That's kind of what we'd like to get back to, but it was it to me, it's proof of concept of trying things small in a very narrow parameter at first, there's a lot of information in that and
that is enough to get you started. Because that was an from that we're talking about all kinds of stuff and we're relating it to all kinds of stuff and we are aware of past behaviors and past feelings and how it all connects, and here we are. And I think the is it fair to say that the outcome of this experiment is we would like to do this more often and not as an experiment. Would that be Absolutely. So now I have to say, I can't be quiet on every outing. I've got too many thoughts.
They will come I also think I'm funny. So but am I willing to practice that mindfulness of Mhmm. I know that I have the freedom to say what I gotta say, but I don't always need to. I can just sit back and let you just be in charge. You know? I mean, I I I will say this. Aside from, you know, the the feeling of empowerment Mhmm. From this as as a big d, I I in I liked it. I enjoyed it. Mhmm. Definitely wanna do it again. Do you want it to become our new
normal when we're out? And in that form, or do you wanna go deeper into the experiments before we decide? I think I'd like to go deeper. Mhmm. I mean, what you know, like I was saying before the, you know, aside from feeling the empowerment too, it forced me into the mindfulness. Mhmm. It it made me be aware of the moment and things and what was going on. Mhmm. And and I like that because I have not been that way. No. We've no.
Neither of us have been. You know, with with with life as it had been, I had not been that way. And it felt damn good. Was it a little bit like, a break from our, air quote, new normal that we didn't we didn't wanna have, but we just had found ourselves there? Was it a was it a break from it? Was it a vacation from it? Was it like, how It was like a breath of fresh air. K? Mhmm. Mhmm. K. I
think I feel the same way. I ended up by the end of the first day Saturday, I ended up with such a bad headache that I couldn't function once we got home. It took a while. So I remember much of it, but by the end, I didn't get the opportunity to, like, sit with my feelings. I know that it felt like exercising an old muscle. Mhmm. So Yep. There were these points of, like, I guess, to keep the analogy, there was some soreness. And for me, it was like, uh-oh. Am I gonna remember, like, how do I
navigate this? Right? I'm completely with you on the mindfulness because it was purposeful and intentional. I had to think about my role and who I was and what we were doing. And And it makes you think about every action that you take too. Oh my god. Being aware of, like, absolutely everything in it. And a breath of fresh air is I think I agree with that. I think I had a similar thing because in I worried I worried that I would forget shit and I would fuck it up, like, a lack of confidence.
And what I found even as I felt yuckier and yuckier as the first day went on, a Saturday went on, it was not as hard as I feared it would be. And that feeling of it it's not truly natural because, given my druthers and under stress, I resort to a lot of words and a lot of questions and a lot of anxiety. But natural enough because it's how I want to be with you and how we used to be. And I think I think that naturalness is, that were it was remembering this is what it used to feel like.
You know? Because I knew you were you were focusing on the dynamic and the moment and us, but that meant you were focusing on me. Mhmm. And that makes me feel special and cared for and cherished. And those are some of the feelings that I'm seeking as a submissive. Yes. I want to serve and I want to make you happy and I, you know, I want to please you. Like, there's all of that. But I also want to be your focus at times. Right? Like, I'm I'm a grown up. I know I can't be your focus
a % of the time. That's not realistic. But we had gone from the way it used to be where there would be so sometimes it would be specific times. We knew we were going out. We knew we were just spending time one on one together, and we were each other we were focused on each other. And then life shifted, and we had to focus on all these external things. And then that became our new normal. And even though we didn't really like it, I don't think we understood
why we were feeling the disconnect. We were just like, oh, we can't do kink things and we can't do power exchange things. We just don't have the time and energy. But I for me, what I'm realizing is it wasn't it was never about the activity. It was never even about the rules. It was about feeling like Feeling a way. Feeling what? Feeling a way.
Yeah. But a very specific way. That's not Feeling like I like I was the center of your world and that you are the center of mine because it is it is true, especially when we're in our DSL. It's like deep deep in it because you are focusing on me to make sure I'm, you know, doing the thing I'm supposed to do, to make sure that, you know, my behavior is on point, whatever it is you're looking for. And you are the center of mind because I'm like, is he happy with me? Am I doing
the thing? I need to ask him a question. He's the decider and all thing. Like yeah. And I I feel like this past weekend gave me a taste a a deep taste of what that used to feel like. And now I know what I was missing. And I feel like I can even point back to times when we were miscommunicating with one another, when we weren't. We were saying the same thing, but somehow still mad at one another.
And I I think part of that was I don't think we were feeling seen in by the other in the way that we are when we're deep in our power of change. I I agree with that. And there used to be a time when this was just sort of natural Right. It's not is it natural? I don't know. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. Debate. But for us, it Well, that's just how we interacted because that's how we got to experience our power exchange because we you know, people can see us and we don't want them to know what we're doing. So that's how we part of how we did it. And that feels like this is gonna sound very trite. I whatever. It feels like coming home again. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm glad we did the experiment. Same. Mhmm. Mhmm. Same. You know, for science. For science.
Science purposes only. Yeah. Right. You know, the next conversation to have, which we might have when we are planning our next, like, deeper experiment is Mhmm. How much of this do I'm not saying we have to have the conversation now, but Yeah. The next conversation is how much of just that little experiment do we keep going forward, you know, and then add to it as we try these new things. And I'm calling them experiments because we do it, and then it becomes content. So it's an experiment. Yep.
But, you know, if we were not doing this weird thing on the Internet, it would just be a thing you try. Right? And then Yeah. You, come back to another, have the conversation and go, okay. What do we keep? What do we not? Right? For us, it's like, okay. We'll take this deeper and deeper. But I think as we're going, we'll pull the things that we know are like, yeah. This this is a thing. You know? And I and I think it's like anything else that, you know, as we as we move forward with
this, yeah. We're gonna find things that, you know, oh, I really like this. We need to keep doing this and, you know, and all that. Push it to the side. Or that that's just, like, that's a party trick. We can't do that all the time. Yeah. We do that some of the time. Right. Like, expecting me to be quiet on every car ride, don't. Don't do that to yourself. I I know that. I've been mm-mm. No. Well and I you'll correct me if I'm wrong so I don't have to ask you to do it.
I think part of the draw in our attraction to one another is you do think you do like for me to, like, tell you what I'm thinking and to hear my thoughts and to share my inner world with you. I have no doubt you'd like me to do that a little less and at a lower volume. You know? But it's it's funny because, yes, you know, if you all haven't noticed, if you're new here, I'm the quiet one.
Yeah. We just recorded something that, we'll talk more about in a couple weeks, that is for not just y'all, but people who don't actually know us. And I already know the comments are gonna be like, she sure does talk a lot. Yeah. Who's the dominant here? Who's the submissive? I know. Yeah. I'm a lot a lot more unapologetic about that. Yeah. But I also get where I can see it now because we have the direct comparison. Lot of I'm not just sharing inner world,
inner thoughts, my personality, making you laugh. Yeah. But, also, because you're the safest person I know, you're getting all of my anxieties. But they don't come out as, daddy, I'm really worried about this thing. They come out as, why are you driving like that? And, you know, I can what I like is kind of having this conversation specifically. Yeah. But being on the other side of, like, having a moment where I just intentionally did not do that, I can see it. I can see it
for what it is. In the moment, I'm just, like, I'm just just trying to navigate life. I'm trying to make sure everybody has everything that they need, and I'm trying to make sure my daddy can never make a mistake ever because that is somehow the worst thing ever. It's not. It's not. But that's all anxiety, and it's easier to see now.
I think you see it now, but I'm that doesn't change that it's probably exhaust it's exhausting for me to feel it, so I can only imagine what it's like to experience it full force. Gale force wins of my anxiety. No. No. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. I'm so glad you love me. And if I ever doubted it I did it to myself. You really did. You did it to myself. Yeah. I do walk around reminding him when he gets in a funny way, like a jokey way, about whatever, some some trait of mine. I'm sure
you pick one. It's not one of me that you go, well, that's a little much. That one. Whatever. I just remember. I just no. Not remember. I just remind him Yeah. You chose this. This. I've there was never false advertising here. Before he said I do, I was like this. That's what you get for being a safe person. I don't know what to tell you. You did that to yourself too. I did. I did. So, yeah, that was the the little baby experiment. Mhmm. Yeah. And it was cool. It was fun.
Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Well, we're having a quiet weekend this weekend. Yeah. So, you know, I'm sure because we're sure I think we're slowly, like, coming back to certain ways of being that we used to have. You know, there's more asking. There's more this. There's more that. I think some of that will just I hate to use the word naturally. Like, it's just, you know, it occurs in nature somehow. And that's not really it. It is is a mindfulness. It's a a changing of patterns and behaviors.
But these are the ones that we got into so deeply before that it feels natural to be coming back to it. I think some of that's probably gonna just kind of naturally occur. And then we'll have another big weekend of nothing but errands and God help us the flea market. Yeah.
Slight aside to that, that has is not about our power exchange, but it's about our relationship with one another, before you started to understand, potentially, how my brain is wired, you would get very frustrated at me at the way I reacted when we would go to a flea market or we'd go to a crowd in a mall. I I did at that at you know, because, yeah, early on, I did not understand. Right. And and I'm not saying this is a a critique. I'm I'm trying to eventually,
I'll get to the compliment. Okay. But you have listened. You have learned. You have paid attention. You've gone off and gathered information of your own, and now you are I I can I will go to those places that overwhelm me because what you started doing without me having to ask for it, you just understood it, is you kind of you do your best to shield me, and you check-in enough to be like, is it too much? Can you handle it?
Can I keep going forward? My favorite is just you hold my hand and you, like, you'll bump into other people before you let them bump into me. I mean, has he almost knocked some old ladies around? Sure. Was I mad? No. No. No. I mean, I do feel like I have to tell you to lower your voice every time we walk past a, 47, loving, stall where it's all these fucking flags. It's like, do you have to fly the flag once you've won? I I don't think you do. I've heard of sore losers. I've never heard
of sore winners, but here we are. Oh, good. So he does get a he gets a little cranky about that, and I'm like, shh. These people have guns. Watch yourself. But other than that, me protecting you in that situation, you do, like, this really nice, sweet, good job of, like and yet it's just I'm trying. Is just one more sign of how we've grown together. Mhmm. Yeah. Could I keep talking about this? Of course I could. Because now I'm, like, swimming in my relationship feelings, but we can stop.
We can do a bonus section. Alright. So, are we good? I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets? Yeah. I think I thought you said thank you, by the way. I I thought you said there was something you were gonna talk about in the bonus section. In regards to the computer. The computer. Okay. Yeah. Our our quirky little issues. Yeah. Well, the issues with recording, the issues with video, or the issues with the box itself. All
of the above. So All of the above. You had said we had we had to have, like, a business meeting at some point, and we haven't yet, but we will. Is it in your mind a possibility or a definite that our audio recording and our video recording issues are linked to a dying box? Not dying, but maybe a crowded box. I'm talking about the computer that we record on. Yes. Crowded. Crowded? Definitely crowded. Gotcha. Yeah. You know, folks understand when when we bought this machine,
it was a few years ago, 04/2020. Twenty '20 was when we moved in here, cause we had a recording space. Right. And, at that time the computer came with a SSD drive, which is a a totally digital drive hard drive. No mechanical parts. Downside to those drives are they they, in the past, have tend to be rather small. And we started having problems. I saw that the hard drive was filling up. And I went through. I uninstalled a lot of programs, freed up some space.
But now, Microsoft is determined that this computer needs to eventually be brought up to Windows 11. Mhmm. So it every week pretty much there have been updates Mhmm. To this machine. And that little bitty space I freed up on the hard drive going away. Because of the updates? Yeah. And every yeah. Yep. And you know, then when you open a program, the programs, they expand when you open Mhmm. And they need space on the hard drive to be able to run, and it's not
there. That's why we're having problems. Gotcha. And we this computer is dedicated to just recording. Right. We're not using it for other purposes. Correct. Right. It's just recording. It's hooked up to the recording equipment, and that's it. That's what it does. Mhmm. So Nice. Yeah. Yay. Is so now I'm thinking, oh, we have to buy an an potentially a new computer? Not necessarily. Okay. Good. Because I was about to do the, the the plug for Patreon. I can't.
Like, yeah. I'll join our Patreon so we can buy equipment. Not necessarily. So, I'll have to see if I can find the, disk that came with it for the operating system and see if I can upgrade the hard drive. Gotcha. If you cannot upgrade the hard drive, should I beg people to join our Patreon so we can buy a new computer? Is that the step? Okay. Don't worry. You can ignore it now. We were gonna try the cheap way. Alright. And I I do joke and kid y'all. Yeah. I do.
I have never really felt comfortable going, we're really poor. Who will join our Patreon? I don't I don't like that vibe. I don't like that vibe at all. That reminds me of too many YouTubers who get on a camera and cry and then end it with, but you can buy this. And I'm just like, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. That's not a that doesn't leave a good taste in my mouth. No. No. So that that's kinda where we're at with the box and the little quirks we've been having. Mhmm.
Why and Yeah. So if you're watching on video and you're like, I'm really tired of there being a delay. We are too, and also it's it could be related. And if you're listening and you're like, talk about the sound, isn't quite the same. We know. Yeah. We're working on it. We're working on it. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. So Mhmm. So what do you got? I just bared my soul on the podcast, so I feel kinda empty. Okay. I will say that I did have to pay the piper of my procrastination this week.
So that super secret, because we'll talk about in a couple weeks, video that we did, which actually then led to an idea of a longer term series we're gonna do later in the year. So that's very exciting, because I like it when the content ideas already exist. Thanks. I I've known that we needed to do the video for, like, a month. Yeah. I procrastinated on writing the script. That is one that I write a script for. We don't follow it word for word, but we
use it as guidance. Bullet points. Yeah. And and it helps me if I'm typing it out of what I want to convey. Something about that will stick in my brain, and I can usually remember to say it. I don't know what that's about. So we were supposed to record last week, which was already pushing it a little bit. We coulda done it two or three weeks ago. But then things came up, and I think I wasn't feeling well. And I think you had a moment and just My my my lower back was acting up a bit. Yeah.
And then we were gonna record this past Saturday, but that's the day I got my my headache from hell that I don't know I don't know what caused it. I just maybe I do. I don't know. So we're like, no. We won't do it then. So then Sunday, because it was due Monday, and I had to edit the fucking thing. So Sunday, we recorded, and I was like, I should start editing today. That would be the smart thing. I did not edit on Sunday for something that was due on Monday.
And this is a thing where I have to do heavy fucking edits because we have a time limit for it. We talked for forty seven minutes. I got it down somehow to twenty nine minutes and fifty two seconds, but it took four rounds of editing to to get there. And that's all and I was doing that all on Monday. And then and then as I'm ready to export the video so it can be uploaded and sent in like it needs to be and blah blah blah blah, my computer crashed twice. Twice.
The program the editing program crashed first and just got stuck, and then everything in my computer got stuck. And then I tried to do I tried to do a restart and it kinda started restarting, and then it didn't, and then it crashed again. And so then we went through it again, and and it's getting later and later on Monday. And I've gotten the friendly reminder email to, hey, Kayla. Don't forget that's due. And I was like, I know. I I did this to myself.
Now will I remember this for the next deadline? No. I will. You know what? You giving me parameters is so much easier to follow. There's there's that not wanting to disappoint you, not wanting to get in trouble, feeling submissive. Somebody else who's paying me gives me a deadline is not as serious to my brain Wow. As as my daddy Dom giving me a deadline. Wow. Somebody make that make sense. So, yeah, that was my Monday. I was I didn't finish work till, like, 10:00 because
it Yeah. The edits were because I knew what I needed to do. I've now done this before. So So I was like, okay. I got this. I can edit this. This is fine. This is fine. And I was feeling really good about these edits, but there were four rounds of them to get it tweaked down. So I stayed within the time limit, and have the whole fucking thing make sense. You know? But then it took so long to export the file Yeah. And then upload it. With that. And then And you may I sent the very 10.
I'm so sorry. My computer, my editing software, I'm so sorry. But here it is now. I'm so sorry. So And I sat with her. You did. Mhmm. You did. There would have been a good chance that that even though I was brain dead by the time I got finished that, I kept sitting there finding little nitpicky things anyway. You do I appreciate that about you. I also I think it helps because I feel guilty.
You'll sit there sometimes when you know I'm I gotta work longer, but you don't want me to work too fucking long. So I appreciate it, but also I do feel guilty because I'm like, he wants to be sitting on the couch doing his thing. I best I guess I better wrap up. You know I have that kind of effect. Using your power for for good instead of evil. Yep. Yep. Lola is snoring. Like, snoring snoring back there.
I I thought it was hilarious. She was on the on the couch sleeping this morning, and our Roomba started up. And and that thing's noisy. It's an older I think we it's not quite 10 years old, but could be close to 10 years old. Very, very close. Very close to that edge. You know, I've kept it going. Replace battery, replace this, replace that, clean that. Yeah. Yep. And, but it it it's noisy as it lumbers around the house, and and she was just there with her eyes
closed tight. And I knew she was asleep because her ears were down. Mhmm. Yeah. She's faking it if her ears are up. Yeah. And, I mean, if she was just dead asleep snoring while, you know, the Roomba's just running around. Yep. So Katie Rose's body doubling is good. And I didn't even think of it in that aspect though. No. We think of it specifically for the youngest, because that's how he gets school work done. There was a I'm not gonna go into it because I stayed calm yesterday,
but I would get mad now. There was a little kerfuffle. There was a there was a little Kerfuffle. There was yeah. Yeah. So he's back on track now, and it requires body doubling. It's fine. We'll get it done. Yeah. I just I knew that for him. Yeah. I can't the oldest, he's a little bit like me. I or I guess I would say I prefer to be solitary. He kinda prefers to be solitary. Like, you don't you don't wanna be perceived while he's doing shit. Mhmm. But at least for finishing up, I guess it
is body doubling. I just never thought of it in terms of bad ass man. When I'm by myself and can't feel like I can focus, I I don't need or want anybody around me. I'm also that person who does not like to be perceived when I'm folding laundry, exercising, cleaning. I don't know why those specific things. But if there's anybody in the room slash house, I can't do the thing. I have to go where nobody can see me doing it. I I don't know why. I just know. Excuse me. That's a thing. But yeah. So,
nothing major, thankfully. No. No. And It's all been good. We've just been trucking trucking along. Yeah. Which is kinda nice to be able to say that. Mhmm. It's, you know, a much, calmer life than going, oh my god. Let me tell you about our this week's dumpster fire. Yeah. We're, we're, straddling that line of how do we stay informed in today's world Yeah. As things seem to burn down around our ears versus how to how do we protect our mental health enough that we can continue functioning.
Yeah. It's a fine line and and we don't know It is. If we're on it. You know, we just, adjust as we go. Yeah. We had to set I had to set a a boundary with JB. I was like, I know you wanna talk about all of the outrages that are occurring. I you can't come to me one by one with everyone you discover. I I I can't handle it. I said, let's set times where we will discuss these things, and you'll go, what the fuck? And I'll go, I know. And then I'll go, what the
fuck? And you'll go, yeah. Same. Yeah. And we'll we'll talk about it, but we don't we won't do it every ten minutes, because I can't do it every 10 minutes. And and I'm I'm looking at other ways, you know, to handle some of this stuff. I've started journaling. Mhmm. And, I'm tonight I'll be, on a Zoom call with Equality Florida. Mhmm. That they're they're doing an open Zoom call here in Florida, because they're trying to pass more laws. But, you know, anyhoo I know. I feel like I can feel smoke
Yeah. Coming out of my ears right now. I know. But, yeah. Lola's Lola's doing good. She is adjusting well to her new medication. Yeah. Her pain medication. Yeah. Yeah. Really seems to be helping her a lot. Oh my god. Last night, she got the zoomies. Oh, my gosh. She was she was hunkered down and serious. She's a big old girl. You don't you don't want her to tackle you. You're going down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I I I learned long ago when she gets like that, she does like to
body slam. Mhmm. And and when I see her coming at me in that, I I gotta Yeah. Brace yourself. Brace myself for it. Yeah. Because, you know, she's losing weight, but she's she's still a chunky girl, and she hits you like that, boy. Yeah. She comes in like a wrecking ball, y'all. Yes. She does. Yeah. She does. But she's happier, I think. Yeah. I I think so too. I I think she has a bit more energy. It's what I noticed is she still still kinda sleeps like a cat.
Yeah. But when she's awake, she's more alive. Right. I don't feel like I'm seeing her sleep any less though. Mm-mm. I know. She's still sleeping a lot. Yeah. Yep. The one the one thing that I can definitely say has diminished is her paw licking. Yeah. Oh, god. That's the most disgusting sound on the planet. I mean, she still does it a little bit, but not to the extent and, you know, that she was doing it. Yeah. So yeah. She's she's doing doing well. Ella and Onyx, well, they are terrors.
Especially with one another. Yeah. But they're they're still good. They're sleeping side by side on our bed, so Yeah. Can't be all bad. Yep. So, yeah, it's all. It's kinda It's all same old, same old in in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. I got nothing on it. I think that's about it. Yeah. I think that's more than enough. Yeah. So I guess we say goodbye and let these good folks carry on with the rest of their day, evening. Life. Life. Yeah. Thanks for being here. Mhmm. Especially to the bitter end. Yeah.
We appreciate you. We do. Especially when we do episodes like this where it's pure navel gazing. It's like, oh, this thing is very important to me and about me. Hopefully, it might inspire somebody to go do some little baby experiments themselves, see how you feel. You just made a I just remembered something. Is it bad or is it good? No. Okay. We did a resin pour yesterday afternoon. It's still in the Oh, I meant I meant to ask you about that. About it. Okay. We got some handles we gotta go
get. Okay, y'all. Anyway We'll see y'all Thanks for joining us, and we'll see y'all next time. Yep. Bye.