Emotional Intelligence and Power Exchange

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode four seventy three. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only you're giving me another look even though this is now our second take. John Brownstone. What the hell, man? I can't look at you? No. You can look at me, but I don't think that expression is supposed to be on your face when you do. Anyhoo. Anyway, this week, we're talking about emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, and what any of that has to do with power exchange.

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the longer I talk. I just it hit me out of nowhere, okay. So the concept of emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, which is a form of emotional intelligence for YouTube folk, the the screen went blank again. We know. JB's fixing it. I'm gonna keep talking. Emotional regulation comes from some level of, emotional intelligence. We're gonna talk about what those things are based on the resources that I found that seemed credible, while also then talking about how that would pertain to power

exchange. So we're gonna discuss specifically emotional intelligence, and then we're gonna talk about, emotional regulation. And in between all of these explanation kind of things, then we will talk about how the hell that would relate to power exchange. All the links that I used for resources, they are linked in the places down below in the description box for YouTube folks, in the show notes page for podcast listeners. And the show notes page does live on our website.

And if you are a if you're subscribed to our email newsletter, you get a link to the show notes page every week. Maybe not this week. I might be out of I'll be out of town. We'll figure it out. Fucking hell. We'll figure it out. So let's talk about what emotional intelligence is. I'm gonna try and give JB a second because I want him to be listening and being able to focus, and he's having to do other things and play tech support. So

and now I'm pausing. Somebody has said that sound is gone, but I see the green bar moving. Okay. JB just held up his finger to me. Get there. He's doing his thing. I'm stalling badly. I have audio fine. Okay. And silent confirms she has audio as well. And podcast listeners are like, well, we've been have fucking audio. I know. Y'all are special, in the good kind of special. Okay. So I I don't know why that is switching out all of a sudden like that. But Yeah. It's gonna be a fun roller coaster

for Away we go. YouTube video. Okay. Let's talk about what how emotional intelligence is defined and then what it sort of looks like in practice Okay. And in relationships. And we're gonna start with emotional intelligence and then we're gonna go into emotional regulation. Okay? So emotional intelligence. One of the first places from, a site called helpguide.org.

Emotional intelligence is your ability to identify and manage your emotions to improve relationships, manage stress, make better decisions, and enhance your personal and social well-being. The Gottman Institute defines emotional intelligence, which is also known as EQ as opposed to IQ, y'all. EQ? In relationships is being able to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions and to attune to your partner's emotions. It's not just about staying calm or being a, quote, good communicator.

This is about noticing what you're feeling, making space for your partner's experience, and navigating emotional moments with care and intention, which sounds very sweet, and I like like it. Mhmm. That definition is delightful and doesn't really, leave room for the times when you also snap at your partner, or you you get your feelings hurt by tone, or you're, like, in a room somewhere going, why did I respond that way? Like, that's the lived part of any level of emotional intelligence.

So what does emotional intelligence look like? It is noticing that your partner is feeling anxious while they're sharing. You know, you're talking about desires, wants, kinks. Here's the things we wanna do, and they're anxious about it. Right? You covered my notes, and I need those. Oh, sorry.

And then you as the ideally emotionally intelligent partner, not only noting that, okay, they're clearly anxious, but then finding ways to help them express themselves, giving them space to kind of work through some of that. Doms with subs who find it very hard to say what we want, if you are getting that information out of your partner with any amount of care and they still like you at the end of that conversation, I promise you we're exhibiting some level of emotional intelligence.

Half of it is just noticing that they're not speaking up. They're not saying something probably because of some level of anxiety. Using empathy and communication with a partner when they're upset about something and that's within or they're upset about something happening in the relationship or something happening outside of the relationship. Right?

You it's it's a matter of noticing even if you don't completely understand, trying to understand, expressing and and feeling empathy towards your partner, a thing that the relationship side of my algorithm on Instagram likes to has reminded me of a few times is you can have empathy for a partner, you can validate their feelings and you

can still disagree with them. So that's like you're in the middle of an argument and you're like, they are flat ass fucking wrong but they're clearly upset and you care about them and you want this relationship to keep working and so you express empathy, you know? That must be hard. That must hurt. That you know? And, yeah, I could see why you would feel that way. And yet you could do all that and still think, Kayla is a crazy bitch, and I do not know why she's crying right now.

That age old question. And then emotional intelligence in practice is identifying and managing your own emotions and stress to reduce or avoid escalating a situation, like an argument. There goes the camera again. So, we have this I I go through this mostly frequently these days because I don't want to have an argument with JB. I don't I don't want us to fuss with one another. I don't I don't want any of that. And so when I can feel that kind of coming up within me, I can feel

it in my body. I can, you know, get intense. I can hear it in my voice. Most of the time we're not arguing about anything of that of that matters. Right? Our argument is something either silly or it's not actually about the moment we're stressed about something else. And when I can sense that within myself, then I'm doing my best to stay calm to maybe I remove myself. Maybe I just change my tone a little bit because everybody in a relationship knows or you will find out at some

point. Sometimes it's not what's happening. It's the tone you think you hear in your partner's voice that you are. We don't like that tone to come out of their mouth and now we're fussing at one another

and it's not actually about anything. So, you know, emotional intelligence is recognizing what you're feeling and then without invalidating yourself or repressing anything or denying your own reality or feelings or anything, it's sort of I don't want to say self soothe, but it's a way to sort of acknowledge those emotions and go wait there's a better way to handle this moment and I, as the person who can sense what's happening,

don't want this to escalate. So I will change my tone, remove myself, whatever, whatever. Poor JD is clicking buttons. Can I thank you? I can drive again. Okay. Does does any of what I've described before I know you've had to run a rush around doing tech support. Do do I start making a lot more sense just hearing what emotional intelligence could look like? Have I been managing JB since the day we got together? Kind of. Kind of.

I don't think it's uncommon for in a relationship for one of you to maybe have a higher level of emotional intelligence, whether that's something innate within you and that, you know, you had somehow a great childhood and your parents brought that out in you and here you are as a fully, formed adult and you can just you can move through the world with some level of emotional intelligence. Some of us, we had to fight for it.

Crap. We had to reteach ourselves because our you know, the way we were raised, there was no emotional intelligence. And, certainly, nobody teaching me emotional regulation when we get to it. Oh my lord. But the first time I heard about emotional intelligence, it was I think it was in college years because it was the I can't remember. I don't know where it comes from originally. Like, who started saying emotional intelligence, a k a EQ.

But it was sort of a way to push back against IQ, the intelligence quotient, being the only way to map intelligence, to be intelligent. Like, there are all kinds of different ways to, have understanding of not just concepts, ways of being, how to move through the world. And I always liked the emotional one because it was like, oh, yeah. You understand what's happening to you and maybe why if you're lucky and you can work through it.

But it was not been until the last from from my algorithms, probably five to ten years that I've seen it dissected like this and really, like, pulled apart. And some of us are doing it and we don't know we're doing it. And some of us, don't think about our emotions. And I'll tell you right now that's probably a problem. What is what emotional intelligence is not, it's not repressing your emotions. You are not, working through something in an emotionally intelligent way if what you're

telling yourself is don't feel it. Just push it down. If you make it go away, it's not there anymore. Look. I'm calm. I've clearly and we'll get to it. Regulated my emotions. No. You have not. You have repressed them. They will come out when you least expect it. They it will be ugly. It will not be what you mean. And if you are in a power exchange, it will a 100%, impact your relationship and can a 100% impact your power exchange.

If your repressed emotions burst out of you when you least expect it, well, now you're yelling about a thing that isn't even worth yelling about because you're not yelling about the thing right here in front of you. You're yelling about the thing that didn't get resolved

six weeks ago. Right? Or that's happened eight times, which you've never just sat down, owned your own emotions, talked it out with your partner, had them hear you, had them reciprocate, done the back and forth, the work, the emotional work of this is pissing me off. Okay. Is it is there something I need to do? Is it something you? It you know, what is it? How do we repair? Something I need to do? Is it something you it you know, what is it? How do we repair? How do we make it work?

And the next thing you know, you're, like, standing in your kitchen crying about, I don't know, paper napkins and that's not what you're actually upset about. So emotional intelligence is very important. It is I don't like it being called intelligence Mhmm. Because and I'm sure not everybody feels this way about that term. The way I have sort of been brought up to think about intelligence is like it's some sort of innate thing that it's not skills based and you don't learn it. You just are it.

And that's not true at all. How about instead maybe emotional awareness? I think that there's something to it. I don't think intelligence is a bad word. I do think that what it might do for people who have that kind of similar thought that I have about there's something being innate to intelligence. There's not. Not really. Is that it is a skill that you can learn. You can learn maybe with the help of a a therapist, maybe just by reading a couple of books.

I don't know. You can learn how to acknowledge your own emotions, sit with your own emotions, kind of figure out, wait. Is that a helpful way to handle the situation? Maybe I shouldn't just scream my full head off at a partner. Maybe that's not helping anything. Right? So I I say that to say that if you do not see yourself in these definitions air quote those because there's these are not the only sources around. There's lots of things said

about emotional intelligence. If you don't see yourself in any of this, it's not a hopeless case. It is a thing that can be learned. You'll have to be bad at it before you get good at it. It might always be tough, you know. There's sometimes it's just how we're wired. It's not ease these things are not easy. Sometimes we need somebody who can walk us through it, you know, a therapist or a trusted partner or somebody who gets it. Right? But I just feel like it's important to

point out. It is a skill. You can learn emotional intelligence. Now, according to the Gottmans, I we've been talking about the Gottmans a lot in the past probably year or so they've been doing decades of research on couples. This is what, to the Gottmans, emotional intelligence can look like in a You get through disagreements without lashing out or shutting down. We still work on that, y'all.

You show up for each other emotionally, especially during stressful times, which is when we need it most. That can look like I'm not doing it perfectly right now. JB is stressing out about this tech stuff. So my job is to not get in his damn way and to kinda stay calm. Right? If I start getting stressed out while he's stressed out, now we're all freaking out and it's not good for anybody. To be able to express your feelings in ways that feel constructive and respectful.

That's that's a good skill to have in general. That's part of good clear communication, which is hopefully a skill you're working on in your power exchange anyway. I think from my personal experience, that has been the hardest one, expressing my feelings in a way that feels constructive and respectful.

Not the respectful part. Mhmm. It's more the owning my own feelings, naming them for myself because what'll happen is I have had a couple of moments like this recently where I'll feel the emotion and my brain will tell me, you shouldn't feel that. What is wrong with you? That's stupid. That's this and that. And now I've shut myself down from just this sense of shame. How the hell am I supposed to talk about it with JB if that's even necessary? Sometimes I have feelings that don't there doesn't

need to be a debrief. We don't have to talk about it. I will get into it. I need to regulate my damn self and then we'll be fine. This one is a harder one for some people and I know that it's a thing that takes time to learn, which is understanding your partner's emotional needs without always needing them spelled out. I think some people, based on wiring, might need them spelled out until their brain catches

on to the pattern. Or if the pattern changes within their partner and their partner is reacting in a way they've not seen before, they might still need it spelled out. But there's a difference between, okay.

I'm not I don't there's a difference between it taking longer to learn a skill and needing more help getting there versus not caring at all in the first place and having been told what this means, what this looks like, why your partner is feeling emotional and not giving a crap to to retain the information versus, wait, naming and understanding and seeing emotions is not always easy for me. So I'm gonna need like a cheat code for this. I'm gonna need we're gonna need to talk about it

more in-depth until Sure. I mean, you know, even even with you, we do this to each other, you know, can tell something's wrong, you know, you haven't said anything. I'm like, you know, is everything alright? Is there anything

you wanna talk about? Mhmm. Mhmm. The other one and I I didn't think that we did this and then I did this just earlier today and I went, oh look at me, which was is, emotional intelligence, what it looks like in relationships, staying curious and open minded even when things get tense. Now I think I know for myself, maybe it's because I can be a little literal sometimes. I think about things getting tense. I'm in relation to a relationship. I'm thinking of, oh, we're in an argument, and

that's why it's tense. Y'all, she gets tense all the time. It has nothing to do with you and your partner going at it. JB was tense earlier. I do not remember the situation now. That's what happens when you have Swiss cheese for brains. And I could feel his tension and my gut instinct most of the time with JB is I wanna try and fix something, which is not using my emotional intelligence skills sometimes because what JB wants is not for me

to fix something. He just needs to feel his feelings, and then we'll work it out or he'll work it out. Something was happening, and I could sense that he was not stressed like to a a max point, but like rising tension. And what I did, I just asked a damn question. I didn't swoop in like I knew the answer. I didn't try to offer a fix. I didn't beg or ask questions with, how are you feeling? Is everything okay? Like, some of those I do those out of an instinct of, oh my gosh. I

have to fix this problem. I can't let my daddy be upset about anything. Yes. The fuck I can. He's a grown man. He'll be fine. We'll work through it. She said to everybody else who can relate to that. And I asked a question about the situation. JB answered it. And while answering it, I felt the tension come down. Like, he calmed down a little bit because, like, don't know.

I don't know if the question was something you could work through or it just helped you, like, almost did that break in your mind between rising tension and, oh, let me just provide some information real quick. Right. And for once, I didn't swoop in and try and fix a thing, which only annoys the shit out of him, only annoys the shit out of him. When he wants my help, he'll ask. And I do. But also because nothing is nothing is all

or nothing. There's so many nuances. Sometimes what he does need is for me to be the one to, like, interrupt the spiral. Yeah. The ways to do that vary from moment to moment. Sometimes I can interject humor and he'll I can get him to laugh, and then he you know, the tension comes down a little bit. Sometimes I ask questions. Sometimes I use my that's doesn't sound very submissive to me voice.

Yeah. It is all situation dependent, and it's stuff that I've learned over all these years, and I still get it wrong. Sometimes I try to slide some humor in there, and he's like, this is not the moment for him. Like You don't wanna go there. Oh, got that wrong. Now here's the thing. Emotional intelligence means I also recognize when I get defensive because of that, I'm trying to slide in some humor to diffuse his tension so that he can

whatever's going on. Right? I've air quote helped, air quote that big fat fucking air quotes. And then he'll snap, not at me really, but more like, I don't want the humor. And sometimes it's just a firm boundary. And I get to be one of those people who's like, oh, you used a firm, although respectful tone. Why are you yelling at me, and why do you hate me now? Those are my

own issues. Okay? But since I know that about myself, when I feel defensiveness pop up because that thing comes up in my head, it's like, well, I was just trying to help, and I was just trying to be funny. And I didn't mean anything by it. Anybody recognize some of that kind of self talk? Yeah. I know I'm not alone. I've gotten better at going, hoo. Take a breath. This is not about you. He wasn't yelling at you. You're not in trouble. Let him work through whatever the hell's happening.

And then maybe later when he's calm, and sometimes I can, I'll go, you know, I've that joke I was making earlier, it's like it wasn't funny then. I know. But is it funny now? If I tell it now, can we laugh? I just don't allow. Yeah. Now how much of that is all of my own personal emotional baggage and trauma from early childhood? How much of that is service sub ness?

Like, I'm trying to help and serve and fix and make things better, and that is not always you think that's what you're doing and that's not what you're doing. You're making things worse. I don't always know. There's a lot of overlap with that. Some of it is me me being triggered and responding to the trigger and not realizing it until after the words have come out of my mouth. Yeah. And then I'm pulling back going, oh, shit. You just got triggered. And now we're in a moment that was unnecessary.

He needed a moment to himself. I needed to shut the Mhmm. Sometimes emotional intelligence is is, figuring out what you did, not to stopping yourself at a moment. It's figuring out what you did, not to stopping yourself at a moment. It's looking back going, oh, that was not helpful. Okay. Let me let me do something different.

Now in some of these things about what it can look like, from your perspective as a dom, where, like, where dealing with me, yourself in general, like, what do you see from our experiences? Or You know, it changes day to day. It really does. It really does change day to day. You know, it it's not something you say, this is how it is and this is what it does. And and and that's not not accurate. That would not be accurate because

it it changes. It's, you know, there there are moments when you when I wanna look to see if they're get there really bond in there? It's all silver, baby. So, you know, it's, it's I'll tell you what what's been difficult for me with this because, you know, listening to you talk about what, you know, you took away as a kid. For me, it was kind of the opposite. By inserting yourself into seeing if everything was okay, if anybody needed something, you risk turning

that having it turned on you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I totally get that. I totally get that. So I learned to You're not touching that with a 10 foot pole. Yeah. Which is funny because when you're not thinking that hard and you're not that in your head, you are, I don't know if intuitive is the right word, but it feels intuitive. Like, you're looking at me going, are you okay? What do you need? And then sometimes and maybe it's you're caught up in

the the stuff from childhood. Maybe it's your head somewhere else because people are you know, we're all living in our heads in some way. I I have a 100% had moments where I'm like, I think I could be on fire in front of him. I don't think he would know what is happening. But, you know, here's the difference between learning to use your words and not or

not. Yeah. I was a kid who did this, and I have been a partner in the past who did this, which is sound and look pitiful until you get some attention, until somebody turns to you and goes, what's wrong? And then I have this really annoying habit of going, nothing. Now what the fuck I was seeking for looking for and hoping would happen? I honestly don't know. I need a mental health professional to tell me because I don't know.

But I have so many memories from childhood and into, you know, my twenties and before you and I got together, those relationships of doing things like that. Like, a woe is me or as a kid there was lots of sighing. I do it now as a joke because I know what I'm doing now because it's not effective with JB. If I don't fucking tell him, he probably is not gonna notice. And if he hears me dramatically sighing in the background, he's like, what is wrong with this this with baby girl? What what is she

fucking around with? So these days, now that I have the skills to communicate and I feel safe to communicate, and I will say this forever and fucking ever, part of the ability to communicate and be intimate and vulnerable and say the hard things and use your emotional intelligence or even fucking feel it is having the safety to tell your partner a thing without knowing how they might respond, especially when the responses you've gotten from the past were definitely not good.

So I don't need to go around being dramatic to get attention. I might be dramatic as a bit. I might have some fun with it. But if I need to just tell him something, I'm just gonna tell him something. But that that was years in the making. That was years of not doing it and then not getting my needs met and then being pissed off about it and then slowly easing into it with you, which is we go back I go back to when we talk about different ways to

communicate. It's why for a very long time when I had to say something that felt very big or very difficult or I felt very vulnerable saying because it had never worked out well in the past. I wrote it down. So I was communicating it, and then I was walking away. And I didn't have to witness whatever the response was gonna be. So that sounds like nothing but communication skills, but there's an emotional intelligence in there. There's an understanding on both sides. I knew I had to

say these things. We had to have these conversations. I had to admit how I was feeling so we could work through it together if that was even necessary. So I wasn't being weighed down with the things I was not expressing. But I also understood myself enough to know I cannot watch this man's face while I'm trying to say it, especially if I'm gonna like fall all over my own words or

not get my point across. Or if it is gonna bother him initially to hear that I'm unhappy about something or something's not going well, he gets to have that emotional response without me witnessing it so that I don't carry with me because I I know myself. If I saw some it happens all the time. If an initial response to something he has appears negative and quite frankly y'all, it could just be he's confused, but my brain is gone. He hates it. He's angry.

He thinks it's like, I'm interpreting all of these things. None of them are helpful. Then that's what I'm carrying with me and now that's the chip in my shoulder that I gotta work around and that's an extra layer of stuff to unpack. Whereas if he could just have his own reaction privately first, his initial reaction, and then he can work through his feelings or his thoughts about it, and then we could come together, we always had a better outcome. Mhmm.

So for anybody who's like, I don't know how to express my emotions and say the hard things. Find a way to do it so you don't have to stare them in the eyeballs or hear their voice as you're explaining yourself. I I that is how I learned he was safe because I could tell him what I had to tell him.

He would take in the information, and then we would come back later when everybody was calm and then we could have these conversations that maybe we fixed something or maybe too often he was like, you have been stressed over nothing. I am not upset.

But if I had never said anything and I'd carry that around or I'd carry that false belief that he was upset about something, that I had done something wrong or that something was not quite right or he like, whatever the issue might have been, if I don't if that didn't get talked through and there hadn't hadn't had an understanding to come to, then that's repressed stuff that's coming out in other ways. That's mistrust.

That's so many assumptions about what other facial expressions mean, tones of voice mean, words used mean, and it none of it is clear communication to move forward. But that all took time. Yeah. And now, woe to you that you are the safest person I have in my life. You get to hear so many unfiltered things. And see That the rest of the world And I and I was just gonna say, you know, over over time in our relationship, you know,

I have, not emotionally run away. Right. I have learned that you are safe for me. Yes. Okay? You know, you're not gonna throw everything right back Mhmm. At me like everyone else has ever done. And, you know, yeah. It's and I I still slip sometimes. We all do. We all do. I mean, there's to me, personally, there's nothing more frustrating than understanding what I'm feeling, where that feeling came from, you know, why, who, what, where, when, how, and still being a dumbass about it in the middle

of a conversation. It's like, goddamn it. I know better. It still happens. We it happens to us a lot less than it used to. It does help that we don't have a lot of conflict to work through. Usually, it's stress related. Yeah. Peak stress, we are snapping at one another. I wanna say out of all of the years we've been together, I think twice maybe we've yelled at one another. Mhmm. And neither of us liked that feeling. Neither of us

liked that anger towards one another. So once we were able to calm down, then we could have a conversation about it and apologize if needed and talk about what how the other one felt. One of the I don't know how other people feel about it, but I know from my perspective the way it has been for me is sometimes one of the scariest things is to have to hear how I made JV feel when I was not at my best. Yes. I don't want I don't want to, but it's an important part of it. It's an important part of

fixing things that need to be fixed. It's an important part of owning your own actions, about learning about one another. Because once we're calm about it, you know, the important part is you apologize, you know, do your best never to do it again. But we can have those conversations about where that stuff comes from too. And that doesn't excuse it. That doesn't make it go away. It doesn't mean we shouldn't have to learn how to handle our emotions better. Mhmm. But it does give context. You know?

Finally being able to say and admit to myself and then to JB, I am, to this day, even though I'm constantly working on trying to be better about it, I am genuinely, emotionally, mentally triggered by voices raised in what I perceive to be anger. And poor JB, he's just a loud Italian. What are you talking about? And sometimes when he gets excited, it sounds aggressive. But in the beginning, before I could understand that within myself and before I could help him understand

Yeah. We were in air quote arguments, and he was just, like, asking for basic stuff. And it was never, thankfully, within our power exchange. If we get to that point where fussing with one another, we're not in a scene. We're not deep in a moment that is clearly dom sub interaction. It's kind of us just living our life where the power exchange is always there. It's part of the undercurrent.

And that's where I have to admit that, yeah, the rule might be that I'm always supposed to speak respectfully. But sometimes when you're triggered and or your emotion you're not when we'll get to an emotional regulation, you're dysregulated. It surely does not sound respectful when I'm having a moment.

Now let's the last part of the emotional intelligence stuff before I want to maybe speak specifically to responsibilities and power exchange and things I've I've been thinking about is how to increase your emotional intelligence. Now this is straight from the Gottmans. I if any of this sounds, like, foreign to you, I'm I'm sure there are other sources. It might be that you do need, you know, help from, a mental health professional therapy to work through some stuff. Maybe it's

about your wiring and it's like, okay. I need to go learn more about that part of myself and why this is harder, whatever. But these are just some things that can help, that I know that I have done before. One is pause, check-in with yourself, and name your emotion. I've gotten better at recognizing in the moment when I am responding in a way that is outsized to the moment. Mhmm. That that was a while getting there. I had to do it looking back in reverse before I could start

kind of noticing it in the moment. The higher the emotions, the harder that is. One of the best things you can do for yourself if you're feeling a heightened emotion and it's it's not sound feeling very emotionally intelligent, right, is to take that pause. JB is the one that taught it to me, and I fucking hated it. The first time he was like, look. I am angry. You are angry. We're gonna both walk away until we calm down, and we'll come back and we'll talk

about it. And I fucking hated it. My brain and my body thought it was rejection. It was not. It was not. And and you took it at at first, you took it as meaning I was just at brushing it off. Mhmm. That's because some people will. And that's the thing you as an individual have to be careful of with a partner. Is this genuinely a a drawing down, a backing off to calm down and you'll come back and talk about it when you're calm? Or is this a way to sweep sweep it under the rug? Maybe we'll

just never talk about it. That is that is no good for anybody. That's it's gonna come back out. It's just another form of repressing emotions. This one was also difficult for me. I don't know if it was difficult for you. Listen to understand your partner, not defend your position. Yeah. That is yeah. That is difficult.

Because that's in conflict. That's when emotions are high and you're pissed or you're confused or there's stress and something's been said or an expression a look on their face and now you're mad. It takes, you know, when when emotions are high, it is difficult to really listen. Mhmm. You know? And and that's bad. Right? Yeah. It's bad. Yeah. Bad. Sound like a broken record. It's not gonna help anything. No. It's not gonna work out the way

you think it will. And I still struggle with this because I am a person who, the moment you start talking, my brain is finishing your sentences for you. I've gotten better at doing that in my head and not out loud, and I've already moved on to solutions. And, yeah, for some things, there needs to be a solution at the end. Yeah. But for keeping this relationship steady, strong for for everybody in the relationship to have the opportunity to

feel seen and heard Mhmm. And validated and, you know, actual empathy. Sometimes you just gotta fucking let them say the thing. You know what the solution's gonna be. You're gonna get to it, she says to herself. You there'll be opportunities for fixes or even apologies. And sometimes, you know, I'm I try to be quick to apologize once I can admit to myself that I'm wrong. That is also a hard thing. But I have found that you'll accept the apology, but you still want to be able to say

what you need to say. I'm the same way. I need to be able to say this. I need to be able to express this to you. Not for guilt trips, not for, you know, woe is me, not for not for any of that, but to know that I said it and that you heard it. And so the one of the hardest communication skills is to listen and and not be thinking about what you're about to say. Right? No. Don't, we we actually use this expression in a few things, and I can't think of it

exactly. But basically, it's, listening listening to what they're saying and not just waiting your turn to respond? Because there's a difference between the two. People call it active listening? Yeah. It's part of active listening, but there's, like, an expression that we've used before, and I can't think of what it is. And it's hard. It is. Mhmm. Here's the one I get stuck on, and you know you know I do. Validate before fixing. And then, of course, here's the the lesson

I had to learn. Ask if they even wanna fix in the first place. If you fuck up and your partner is upset with you and y'all got to talk about it and you can admit to yourself, oops. That was my bad. I was wrong. Here's maybe how I can fix it. I know what I need to do or I think I know what I need to do. Do not come out of the gate with, yeah. I done fucked up here. Here's the fix. Validate the emotions. That's part of understanding emotions, your own and your partner's. Right? It's

part of having empathy. It's part of being able to hold that information and not reject it and not repress it and not deny it. Right? Because most people just wanna be heard and they wanna be validated. And you're who wants more validation than anybody and deserves it? Your partner. Right? They want to know that you see them and you see want to know that you see them and you see their pain and their anger, maybe how you fucked up, whatever it is.

I am really bad at that because I don't I I feel physical pain within my body when I've done something wrong. That is for me and a therapist in the future. I am I still have that little kid thing of I'm gonna get in trouble, and I've gotta make sure I don't get in trouble because getting in trouble was a very bad thing at one point in my life. And so I barrel in with, yeah. I did the bad thing. I'm so sorry. Here's the fix. And that's that's fine to have a fix. It's fine to offer a fix. But

if I never fix wanted or needed. And if I never stop and just let him say, I did not like that. That bothered me. That hurt my feelings. That was not very submissive. Oh, I hate that one. Stab me in the heart. I hate that one. I mean, I think the only thing you could say worse that would make me, like, wanna just, melt and die is you were not a very good girl. Like, ah. Just don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

And then we kinda talk about this, at the with the pausing and checking in with yourself, which is to take a break when emotions aren't high. I really don't like that one. Yeah. It's it works. It does. I'm I know what I'm gonna say. Every because every time we have done that, we've we've walked away. We've are, you know, taking a breath. It's been a better outcome. And and the outcome was better and there was no, you know I know. I hate it. I hate it.

I hate it. And I know for some folks we're like you're like, how does this have anything to do with emotional intelligence? This is just just good communication skills. This is just being a responsible adult. This is just being a good partner. Yeah. Because all of those things require some level of emotional intelligence.

Right. Some level of, you know, knowing your your own emotions and being able to identify your emotions and then being able to ideally identify your partners or when they identify them go, oh, okay. And take in that information and have empathy with what they might be experiencing and feeling and yeah. All of that's part of it.

Within power exchange specifically though, When I was telling JB I wanted to do this this topic and I was riffing with what I was thinking, he was he's just looking at me and he's smiling a little bit like he's doing now. And I said something and I don't even remember what it is anymore because y'all know me and the Swiss cheese brain. And I was like, I is it gonna just

be me lecturing doms for an hour? And he goes, it sounds like so I want I do wanna talk about emotional intelligence from both sides of the slash. So let's start with doms though. Okay. Because there are those folks out there who think, well, I'm the dom. I'm in charge. Mhmm. What I say goes, and if you don't like it or if it rubs you the wrong way or you have strong feelings about it, who cares? I'm the dumb. I'm in charge. I'm in control. I'm a tell you. I don't like that at all. Not just

on a personal level. I could not have a dom like that. Yes. Yes. But also, from a perspective of I don't think you do yourself or your partner any favors when you see things that way. You know, when you when you kind of have the it's my way or the highway sort of vibe not always. It can't always. You are a fallible human being. You can fuck up.

You can be misinterpreted, you can use a tone that if you don't understand your partner and you haven't cared enough to learn who they are and what they need and their own triggers and all these things, then you're just like bulldozing over a partner and I don't you don't become their safe person. I'm not sure how you get peak vulnerability and intimacy from them. I'm just not a fan of

it. Like, you can have the I am ultimately in charge because this is what we've negotiated and still have emotional intelligence and give a fuck about where how what your partner feels, your part and how your partner feels, when you fuck it up and how to fix it. Yeah. Now, what would you say to that before I get into the side of this box? I I agree with what you said. Mhmm. You know, and I I know this is something that I wrestle with, you know. I have always said how do I say it?

Shit, I can't think of it right now. But anyway, you know, with it's tough and even even as a dom, you know, yeah it's it's easy to say, oh you know, you gotta do everything I say. But it's it's it's not and you know, this is something I'm working on myself, okay, with the emotional regular regulation. Which we'll get into. Yeah. Which, you know, which we kinda saw this morning a little bit. Because you know I got thoughts on that. Right.

Mhmm. So, you know, it's it's something that I think, you know, big d's need to work on Mhmm. Should work on. Mhmm. You know, it's it kinda goes hand in hand with, you know, we we talk about communication a lot. But bringing the emotions into it then kind of brings it together. Yes. Because, you know, there's something to be said for stoicism and and being stoic, but and I will not pretend I understand anything about being stoic. I am not capable of it. I don't think that means you turn off

emotions. I have come across too many either actual doms who are just fucking trying to figure it out or the air quote kind, who think that if showing emotion is weakness, admitting to fault is weakness, telling their submissive partner, apologizing to their submissive partner, admitting that they've done wrong is a weakness. Yeah. Yeah. Get away from me. I that

does not sound safe to me. Because if you think you are above all of that emotional work, then it might not happen today, it might happen tomorrow, but you are on track to cause harm to the person, to the relationship, because the whole thing is emotional on some loving relationships where you're maybe trying to build a life together, you're trying to raise a child together, you're trying to do all these things together and emotions are inherently involved.

But even when we're just talking about singing together, that both of you are bearing yourself to vulnerabilities. You are being intimate in a way that it's not just about, you know, use toy on body and bottom responds appropriately. They you know, things come up in those moments. Memories come up. Repressed emotions can come up. Triggers can come up. And if you, the dom, think you are somehow above that level of work and care, then you're you're a shit fucking dom.

You just are because the responsibility of being in charge, doing the thing in the scene, whatever it is, the responsibility is not just to make sure that the person walks out of there physically, ideally, air quote, safe, you know, with risk mitigated, air quote, unharmed.

There's the emotional and mental as well. Now the other side of the slash, yes, submissives and bottoms are responsible for their own, you know, emotions and and risk mitigation and, you know, all of that, which is where emotional intelligence becomes very important for submissives as well. Submissives, not all of us, but many of us and I am in this category, fucking struggle to just say hardship, to say that they're angry or to say that they're disappointed or to say I don't like this.

And, you know, it comes from a lot of different places. My experience is it comes from a fear of rejection. Right? I'm gonna tell you I don't like a thing and you're gonna say, well, I'm never fucking doing that again. And, what you know? Right? Or it's stuff from childhood or it's whatever. Wherever that those fears come from, if you are a person who can relate to that. What that tends to be is that I see, myself included, submissives will repress shit because they don't wanna disappoint.

They don't wanna be rejected. They don't wanna make their partner angry. They don't wanna disappoint them. Well, you're doing neither of you any good if you can't find ways to communicate that stuff. And it is in the finding ways to communicate that stuff that you kinda learn who the fuck your partner is and what kind

of dom they are. Because if they can't handle your emotions, which will not always come out smooth and clean and, you know, real coherent, sometimes it'll come out messy and we're gonna get into emotional regulation in a moment. You know, that gives you a lot of information that you need. Right? Mhmm. JB is this my the safest person I've ever had in my life where I can be my weirdest fucking self. I can I still struggle to cry in front of people, but I am better kind of at crying

in front of him? That's between me and a future therapist. But I can say you've pissed me off. I can say I think that was wrong. I can say the hard stuff, the the stuff I don't wanna be true. I've said this many times in the podcast. I physically hate it, and it hurts body and soul when I have to admit to myself that JB fucked up and did something wrong or was wrong. I don't want him to ever be wrong. But the dumbest shit I could do is to pretend that he's not, to act like he's not.

I have to, like, go, nope. I gotta tell you in hopefully a kind way, hopefully an emotionally intelligent, calm way, that was wrong. That I don't like that. That hurt my feelings. And he has had to found find ways of telling me his version of that, the equivalent of that without, like, crushing my spirit because that's that's the thing the power that doms have. Right? Mhmm. Depending on who the submissive is and how they're wired and the things that that they're that dom tells you,

I'm upset. I'm disappointed. That was wrong. That can that could crush a soul if not handled properly. So it's it's both it's both sides of the slash. I was watching I wish I had saved it. I was watching a reel, and I somehow managed to get on the kink side of the algorithm. And it was somebody, and I can see their face in my head, and I don't know their name.

I'd never come across it before. And they were talking about the importance of submissives owning their own emotions and owning owning that side of themselves. And I wanna say they were talking about it with respect to I think they were talking about it actually in terms of, like, aftercare and subspace and negotiating scenes where there are submissives who will kind of just make all of that the responsibility of the dom, and they don't interact with it, and they don't negotiate it,

and they don't participate in it. Like, in some space, once once you've gone offline, you're kind of at the mercy of your dom. Maybe you can't speak, maybe you can't

move. Yeah. But as you come back online or in the preparation for that, in the negotiation part, you know, or, in the making sure you get what you need whether your dom can give it to you or not, you know, there's still a responsibility for submissives to be able to understand themselves, to communicate those needs, to own their needs, to do the work on themselves

that they need to do. They're that I think I'm also thinking of another creator who was talking about too many submissives, not all, of course, but too many submissives kind of just wanna go hand all of that off to their dom and go, you're in charge of everything, including how I feel and how I'm gonna respond to everything. And I just don't wanna have to think, now look. Am I a fan of turning off my brain and following like

a little duckling? Yes. But that does not excuse me from the responsibility of owning my own shit. Right? Communicating my own needs, communicating when, things are going well and when things are not going well. You know? Communicating when I'm off in some way, and it's a 100% going to affect the dynamic. That is not JB's responsibility to know all of that stuff and to pull it out of me all of the time. Both sides of the slash have to participate equally. It's true.

So look. I ended up lecturing the subs more than the time. So emotional intelligence. Let's just do. Let me back up real quick as a reminder of what the fuck that even is. Right? It's your ability to identify and manage your emotions, to improve relationships, manage stress, make better decisions, enhance your personal and social well-being. Right? The key thing is you've got to identify and manage your emotions, and that can sometimes fucking suck, and I won't pretend otherwise.

It does. But it could also be freeing when you're with somebody where you can say with no, like, fear of or actual repercussion, hey. I didn't like how that went. I didn't like that conversation. That this is how I felt. Right? To be able to to say that and know that there will not be a rejection on the other end, and you can have the adult conversation back and forth about what that might mean. And look. Look. Sometimes you're gonna say, I didn't like that, and this is how I felt about it.

And your partner's gonna go, I did not agree, and I did not think that's what happened. You're gonna do this back and forth thing. But the important part is are you listening to one another to understand? Are you taking that beat to make sure you're addressing this calmly? Right? And sometimes you agree to disagree, but you decide, okay. We won't do that thing that way anymore. Right? And all that's fucking tough. That's hard fucking work. It's not I like it because I like the outcome of it.

I like the kind of relationship we have. In in the trenches of it, sometimes it sucks. Sometimes it sucks. But it's important. Sometimes it's not pretty. No. No. So let's talk about emotional regulation. Now why did I wanna talk about emotional regulation with regards to emotional intelligence? Because what can one thing of many that can come from emotional intelligence is the ability to emotionally regulate. And and that becomes important for all kinksters, all sides of slashes.

But when I think about that, part of why this is important, it goes back to when we tell doms, do not dom when you're pissed. Do not punish when you're pissed. Because guess what? When you're pissed and you're doing those things, you're probably not emotionally regulated, and that's when bad shit happens. Yeah. And I remembered what I wanted to mention earlier. You know, it's not about being controlling. Mhmm. It's about being in control. Like self control. So but just as much in control of

yourself. Yes. Yes. Yes. A 100% agree. Okay. Let's talk about emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is an important part of emotional intelligence and refers to your ability to manage your emotions in a healthy way. You're able to recognize when you're stressed, angry, or feeling overwhelmed and take action to manage your emotions and soothe yourself in a healthy way. Healthy is doing a lot of heavy lifting in some of these and it's like, okay. Can

what does that mean? And Yeah. The other, part of the definition from another source, effective emotional regulation requires self awareness, self control, and the ability to empathize with others. Okay. Emotional regulation is it's the work you do with yourself on yourself. Okay? I had this pitiful little moment the other day, and then I realized what I was doing. I was like, look. I hope I remember this so I can use this as an example because it had nothing to do

with our power exchange. Had everything to do with me and my triggers and the gunk that still lives in my head after all these years. I don't exactly remember. Oh, I wanted to tell JB some ideas I had because we're traveling and there's a lot to organize. We have not traveled since 2019. There's a lot to organize. And, he asked and I have learned to just ask, can I tell you this? Like, are are you in a space to hear this?

Now normally, when I when I do that and I use my big girl words and I'm very mature about it, he says, why, yes. Give me a few minutes. Or, yes. We'll do it at this time. And he gives me a time. This time, that was not where his head was at. And he went, I do wanna hear what you think, but not right now. And it was a very firm boundary. And my feelings got hurt. Now can I explain why? Not really. Not not without the presence of a therapist I don't have.

What I did though because I immediately had this feeling of my feelings are hurt and also that doesn't that doesn't make sense for this moment because Jimmy didn't do anything wrong. We were not arguing. He just said, no. Not right now. And it was a pretty firm boundary. I walk into the bedroom by myself and I can feel myself welling up. Now here's the problem with emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. This is why I said it when

we're talking about emotional intelligence. Sometimes you're gonna feel an emotion and your brain is gonna tell you you're not supposed to, you shouldn't, that's a dumb emotion, You're you it's you know, you're blowing something out of proportion. It's gonna tell you all those things. And for me, when it's doing that, it's like it's I'm shaming myself into not feeling it, into negating the emotion. That is no. That's no good.

Own it. Feel it. You can then kind of on your own or with a friend or some you know, whatever, a mental health professional, work through where that came from and why later. But I the moment I named it that my feelings were hurt Yeah. The moment I didn't shy away from that feeling of shame of I shouldn't be feeling that because I understood it when I was blowing it out of proportion, I immediately could calm down a little bit. Now did I let myself cry? Silly little

tears. Yes. I did. And then I took some deep breaths. And then I went, he was just holding the boundary. You're gonna talk about it. He wasn't mad at you. Y'all aren't in an argument. And and that for me was part of the emotional regulation. I was telling myself instead of what my brain was trying to conjure up, telling myself what I was literally witnessing, what had actually happened. And I had my moment and I took some deep breaths, and then I was fine. I went, look

at me. Now can I do that all the fucking time? No. No. It it is, you know, because it is it is too easy. Unfortunately, it is so much easier to get caught up in the emotion Mhmm. Than to get caught some very brief things because there are a a lot a lot a lot of ways to emotionally regulate and all of the different ways that are are even possibly out there.

There was a study, I think I linked to it in my resources, a study in the past few years that talked about how people who have higher emotional intelligence and a higher ability to emotionally self regulate use a wide variety of methods of regulation, and it and they modify and adapt and switch their methods based on

a ton of different details. Like, every situation is a little different, so sometimes every every time they self regulate, it's a little bit different and they adapt to what's happening. Right? K. So the big ones, the big top level, how do I emotionally regulate? Self talk. Fucking talk to yourself. Go into a room where you're by yourself and talk it through with yourself. I do out loud and I do in my head. A lot in my head. So much of my head. Deep breathing.

It sounds cliche to just take a deep breath or to count to 10, whatever. That, that little bit of pause can sometimes just help you kind of get out of the freak out and back into, like, oh, okay. Here I am. I'm in my body. Here's what I'm feeling. And then you can start naming things. Right? Meditation. I don't do well with just sit in in silence and, you know, don't let your mind whatever whatever. Like, I'm more of a physical meditator.

There's an I don't think I'm using the I'm saying it right, but there's a term for it. And it used to be, when I did cross stitch, if I was doing, like, a big color block and it was just tons of stitches and I didn't have to chain, and I could get into a flow state. And that's how I was meditating, and that's my mind would kinda clear out, and I could I could take deeper breaths. And I Okay. Some of the stresses

kind of just went to the background. And when I got done doing that physical activity, walking is another good one for some people. Mhmm. I could think clear. I could name those emotions. I could think more clearly about why the hell I've just been pissed off or sad or freaked out. Right? Healthy coping mechanisms, exercise. Fucking exercise that actually does do good shit, and I hate that about it.

Your hobbies, social support, you know, being able to I'm not good at this because I'm not a person who has a lot of, like, friend friends. But if you are and you have people that you're, like you have the group chat and you can be like, oh my god. Let me tell you this crazy thing. And you're talking through something. It can be a form of, emotion regulation. And then there's therapy, right, that can offer outside support and teach you more about self regulating.

Now, one thing I wanna talk about before we get into oh, no. We'll get to it because we're gonna talk about dysregulation. Because why do you need to emotionally regulate? Probably because you were dysregulated. And maybe you're in freak out mode. Maybe you have been triggered and now your mind is spinning up all of the things that maybe are not actually the reality in front of you, but your mind has taken over.

Your emotions have taken over. But I wanna talk about, where and why and how emotional intelligence and specifically regulation matters in power exchange. And the first one that came to my mind when I was writing this list Mhmm. Negotiations and understanding that your partner might be holding back. Mhmm. Understanding when your partner might be

I call it freak out mode. Right? Like, they're they have remembered something or they are assuming a thing that you've said something and they've made an assumption about what that means.

And that assumption is now we're in panic, now we're in fear, now we're in sadness, now like, whatever the big emotion is, you know, the ability to regulate yourself, especially in the face of what might be your partner's fear or, sadness or anger or whatever makes it easier for maybe you to help them regulate or you to assess, oh, this is happening. I said something the wrong way. Something came up that I didn't know. Whatever. Right? We've touched on a hurt point, and

they're not regulated right now. If you can it's very I I have this happen to me all the time. JB gets dysregulated, and now I if I'm not careful, I am now there with him. I'm now it it's a feedback loop with one another. I have gotten better at recognizing when it's happening to you, and then I annoy the fuck out of you by trying to help you regulate and you didn't want that right then. You wanted to have your moment to freak

out. Mhmm. And see, I I have learned on the other hand that when you have those moments, that's when I need to step back. Mhmm. Because I will get myself under control. I will get myself there. But it for me, it is easier if I can name the emotion. Right. When somebody else names the emotion at me, I'm like, what the fuck do you know? You're not in my fucking head. And if you're right, I hate that even more. Right. Yeah, man. Yeah. I'm not saying I'm always right or

healthy about these things. Okay? But I do think it's important to be able to admit it and name it. Arguments and conflict are huge are huge because every single one of us has our default way, maybe from childhood, maybe from past experience, maybe from whatever, that we respond to conflict in a relationship and then add whatever your default is. Some people get loud and angry and shouty. Some people withdraw and won't talk at all. You know? Some people

will act like nothing's wrong. Like, there everybody has a different way of responding to this stuff. But then add the layer of power exchange on it. You've got doms who maybe are not well regulated and they think they're right and they're supposed to always be right because they're the dom. So then if they recognize that they're wrong, what feelings come up that are freaking them out and now they can't have this this good back and forth. Submissives who just maybe just wanna please their dom.

Well, if their brain is telling them they were wrong about this and and you're kind of it's you're right to be unhappy or upset about this, but the another part of their brain is going, but they're the dom and I'm the submissive. Now you've got a cognitive dissonance that can really fuck you up. Again, some people, submissives, run and hide. Right? They don't wanna talk about it. Some overcompensate out of anxiety to make try and make it better.

My thing used to be this is how I knew I felt safe with JB. I don't yell. I don't like to yell. I don't like to be yelled at, so I don't like to yell. But there have been two men in my life who could get me so pissed off I yelled. I divorced one of them because that was happening too fucking often. I think twice in our relationship, I have yelled

and not submissively and not respectfully. And they we had to work through that because he got himself so worked up, and I was disregulating, got myself so worked up. Damn. It was it was bad time for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. It was. But the power exchange layer can really fuck with not necessarily how you respond, but sometimes it

can, but how you feel about it. So you're already having your feeling about the argument and the conflict, and then there's feelings on top about how what you have told yourself an air quote good sub or good dom will is supposed to do, and then if you are not behaving in a way that matches that, now we've got another layer of freak out to that has to be worked through.

It's important if you can, when you can, to bring yourself back to center, which in argument and conflict, the big thing is go to separate corners. Go to separate corners so you calm the fuck down, and you can have that moment to take a deep breath, to name

the emotions, to walk yourself through it. I love to figure it out for myself why I'm what I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that way, where I think that came from, take some deep breaths, work through any sense of shame I feel over whatever the fuck I was feeling, and then come back. Because now we're gonna dissect these feelings together and, you know, JB really loves that. I wanna sit down and dissect our feelings together. Whoo. It's his favorite thing. Navigating triggers.

So you could be doing everything right and then you've accidentally tripped the landmine. Your partner's in freak out mode, maybe they're not regulating yet because they have to go through that moment of whatever has come up for them. If you can be emotionally regulated and mostly calm, even if you're feeling bad that it happened, even if you're worried you've done some harm to your partner, the calmer you can be, sometimes it's a little bit easier for your partner to come back to their baseline

and to to move through it. They gotta go through it. A trigger is no fucking joke. No fucking joke. It can it can stick with you for a long time. It can be a blip. It's different for everybody. It's different in different situations for the same person. But if one of you can stay calm through that, it's gonna be a little bit easier to get back to whatever center is. And then this one is really for the doms, but I think subs can you can use this too. Emotional intelligence and regulation.

Understanding your partner as well as you possibly can outside of a scene Mhmm. So you can air quote read them better in scene. Now being able to read your partner does not negate check ins Correct. Correct. Traffic light systems, safe words, nah nah nah nah nah. Those are should always still just be there. I mean, no matter, you know, even now, I still check-in with you. Mhmm. But you for sure should know when I've been triggered by something. Oh, yeah.

You can tell you can sometimes tell before I am if I'm, like, panicking over something. Mhmm. If something is off, you might not know what caused it. But I know something is not what it should be. Right. Right. And having that ability to have the emotional intelligence and to yourself, doms, tops, be regulated in the moment, you're gonna do a little bit better at reading your partner when something goes wrong. Do not fucking rely on just being able to read

your partner. That's bullshit. You can get it wrong. You need all of the other tools in the safety risk assessment, risk mitigation toolbox, but it can help. I can tell when JB's vibe goes off. It's very rare. I can the one time I can think of and I can't remember it was a scene we had. It was right after your sister died and you were trying to work through some stress and I didn't know what was going on. I'm ass up face down on a spanking bench, but I could feel the vibe shift. Yeah.

And you very quickly after that were like, okay. I'm done. We're done. We're it's over. Right. And you were able to to stay mostly calm. Yeah. And, you know, we got out of there. I think we did eat. Mhmm. You were in your head for a while, which is fine, and then we talked about it. Right. That is an ideal situation. That is a Mhmm. That is a, oh, I hope that happens for everybody all the time. But the real world, he coulda had a freak out. It would have been valid.

Like, he was grieving, and he was trying to do this other thing to take his mind off of it, and it didn't work. Right? And it's okay if you have the freak out. It the freak out itself is not bad. It's do you keep trying to top in a scene while you're having a freak out? Or you go, I gotta call it because I am not in the right place. Right. That was that was like the time a couple several years ago when, you were triggered. Which time?

Which time? Well, I mean, the time I was pressing down on you. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Panic attack city. You had a a really severe panic attack. Everything at that moment stopped. Mhmm. I I stopped. Everything nope. Mhmm. And, you know, I went right into aftercare mode with you. Because emotional intelligence says, I'm having the panic attack. He is doing what he can. It's not his job to start trying to talk me through that in that moment. That's not the right thing.

No. I had to like, he could be there in in whatever way worked for me and us in the moment for support, of course. But mostly, I had to, like, get back in my own body again. It wasn't until the next morning that I really said, you know, when when you're ready to talk about this, you know, you can. Right. So there are infinite number of ways and places within a power exchange that these things work together.

And if at least one of you can get yourself back to a a mostly calm point where you can acknowledge righting you, it's a little bit easier. It's not always perfect. It won't always work. Man, it really sucks when you're both dysregulated. I'm just playing. I do I, when I'm and when I have had freak outs, get pissy when he is super calm? Yeah. It happens. I'm like, why am I the only one freaking the fuck out? But it again, I could in the middle of a freak out, I could say that

to him. We have that level of communication. And he's probably gonna laugh and then I'm gonna laugh. And man, I don't know how it works. I don't know I don't know how to tell anybody to get themselves to do it because I've never done it purposefully. If I can crack a fucking joke in the middle of one of those moments, even if it's a it's gallows humor or just it's dark or if it's inappropriate, if I can crack a joke and one or both of us can

even just chuckle Yeah. I can break through some of that for myself. But I can't count on that because I don't know what that mechanism is. I understand taking a deep breath. I understand going into a quiet place to think. I understand self talk. I don't understand where how the humor part works. If if anybody out there is a professional and can explain that? Great. I I I would think you would call it an interrupter because it it Maybe so. It breaks the chain of the

Maybe. Of what is happening. So we talk about regulation, emotional regulation, because the opposite, the thing that you are trying to do when you're trying to regulate is from emotional dysregulation. Every human being on the planet will experience emotional dysregulation from time to time. Mhmm. There is such a thing as chronic dysregulation. What I I'm sure this is just a

short list. I'm sure there are other conditions, divergencies, whatever whatever that would come under this, but the ones that were named the most that I went, oh, okay. PTSD, god help you, especially with triggers, ADHD, borderline personality disorder or BPD, and depression. And I say this when I saw that, I went, oh my god. That that makes sense.

Here's what I was thinking. The most dysregulated I've seen JB and the most times I'm either trying to help him or he's taken a moment to to self regulate has been through these years when he's dealt the most of the depression. Mhmm. He is he is sometimes in a bad moment, he's harsher. He's quick to snap. He's quick to kind of push away. And I've gotten better at sometimes just going, whoop, he's gotta have that moment because you are able

to self regulate. You can get yourself kind of I'm I'm getting better at recognizing Mhmm. When I have those Mhmm. Those dips. But folks who experience chronic dysregulation, these, like, top level things we're talking about are may not work at all or often enough, and that's where there's medications, there's medical there's medical interventions. Let's say there's therapy, there's different things that may be needed.

If you are the partner of somebody who experiences consistent dysregulation like this, y'all are gonna have to work together about how to work through that together because a person who's going through it more often than, like, a one off here and there is gonna have to has probably figured out or gonna need to figure out methods specific to their needs, and that's a let's work let's work together on this.

And what two random podcasters are saying on a random Wednesday afternoon is not gonna help somebody who has to live with this, and they know it's coming at some point. Now just, to kind of help if you're like, well, how do I know if a partner is dysregulated? Here are some things that came up. They in from the resource I can't remember which one it is, but I know I linked it. They were talking more about chronic dysregulation, but I recognize this for my own experiences, which are not chronic.

So intense reactions to small things. Mhmm. Every time when I read that, I know I do it. I know I do it, but I always think of JB. Because the joke is I always say it feels like he has is gnawing on my head. He's chewing bite my head off, right, is the expression. I'm like, you didn't just bite my head off. You are gnawing on me and your back molar like I'm gristle. Now can I say that in the moment when he is having this intense reaction to a small thing? No. I have to wait

until he's regulated again and he's better. Remember later on in there, they all chuckle. Yeah. Difficulty letting things go or calming down after a conflict. Right? Like the Yeah. Like the conflict doesn't just it kinda never ends. You hold on to it a little bit like, I always think of like a miser with gold. Like, this this is not your golem with the fucking ring, you know. But it's not healthy for you to hold on. Right? It's not. There, you know, there

needs to be resolution. And when you have resolution, that's it. You know, you have to let go. Even like in DS, you know, you talk about when there's when there's punishment. Okay? Yep. You know, you you you did what you did. You got the punishment whatever that may be. But when the punishment's over, that all should be put behind. It's done and over and Right. Yeah. And you hopefully move you move on, you've learned the lesson. Ideally, you don't repeat whatever that

might be. Which just goes back to why we tell Dom's, do you do not do consequences, punishment, whatever. When you are pissed off, get yourself calm again. Right. And then work through that other. Now remember, just as a reminder, consequences, punishments are not required and all power exchange and they are negotiated just like everything else is. So you don't have to do that at all, by the way. Black and white thinking, things are all good or all bad.

I recognize that within myself in the times when I've I call them freak outs, but I'm at peak freak out. I go into all or nothing thinking. And the world just isn't that way. It's too there's too many fucking nuances. So if you find yourself stuck in that, it can be a sign of dysregulation. Frequent shifts in mood and or how you see yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I I recognize some of that. Some of that I have worked through over the years.

Chronic feelings of loneliness or emptiness, which can then lead to impulsive behaviors to fill that void. One of the examples I gave was seeking external validation, like doing whatever so that you can be good, air quote, that or enough or get the the gold star kind of feeling from whomever. And it's often in ways that are

not good for you. Or, you know, maybe from outwardly, they're not they don't look air quote bad, but they're internally, it's not good for you because it's not coming from this place of a calm center. Like, you there's there's a dysregulation there. That one I I am sure I've gone through. I cannot I have less experience with

that. And again, these signs of emotional dysregulation came from a list of what they were talking about, people who are going through who are dysregulated often, and these things come up again and again. Two random podcasters are not the ones who can help you through that. But No. We are not qualified. And also that's a can be

all of it's serious. But when it you're you live through this back and forth consistently, that is a thing that changes your light, alters your life, and alters your relationships. And so I, you know, I hope anybody who sees themself in this can have access to the care that will help them. The one offs, the you're you find yourself in an argument and you both are like dogs with bones and you can't let go, that's a one off, and hopefully, some of these tips will help.

I was trying to think of times within our power exchange where I have been not regulated, and I used my emotional intelligence, and I talked myself through. And the one that comes up for me, and I've used this example many times, we are non monogamous, not currently practicing, but in theory we are. And every time JB would go off with a new partner, I would have some form of an internal on my own meltdown. Every time it got easier, it got better, I got better over time, I'd like calm

down at a certain point. And some people would say, oh, well, if you're having those feelings, you shouldn't be, you know, non monogamous. No. No. No. No. So these feelings come from places that have nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with my own internal shit. But the way I chose to deal with it was not to ignore the feelings because

that's where shame lives. Right? Mhmm. I did have to that is where I started learning how to name a hard feeling that I didn't want to feel or didn't think I was supposed to feel. Because there right before I would name it, there'd be that feeling of shame, and it feels so yucky. And then I could name it for what it was and just fucking own it. And I was by myself. You were gone. I was in the bedroom. Right? And I could feel a little bit better because it felt like clarity. I'm like, okay.

That's what I'm feeling. Now what do I do about that? Right? That's where my brain goes. But the the thing I decided very early on Mhmm. Was whatever I was feeling when you were off with a different partner playing or dating or whatever whatever was I was not going to make my big feelings your problem. They were my problem because you were not doing anything to air quote cause them. Them. We had discussed it. There had been full communication. It was with full consent.

I understood what was happening. Did we tweak things over time? Things I had I learned that would I felt like I needed Mhmm. To, you know, have less of a freak out? Sure. But that was a time in our power exchange where I knew I knew as you're submissive, if I daddied you by text or voice mail, you would drop everything for me, which would have been so fucking unfair to

both of you. And I recognized it and I understood I understood the power that I had, right, within the relationship that, yeah, a teary baby girl crying in voice mail, you were gonna try to fix that from where you were. Right? And I had to do the hard thing, and it was hard. I wanted I I'm a baby girl. I want my daddy to come, like, fucking take care of me. Right? I don't wanna feel bad things and hard things. Most people don't.

And it was when I went, no. These are my feelings, and I have to deal with them. And I have to sit with them. And I am not ruining his good time that I have consented to. Because if I stopped consenting to it, then we would talk about it when you fucking got home. Yeah. You know? I think that's where I started working on self regulation more and working on my own understanding of my own emotions more and more. I've I've always I don't know. You're gonna

be shocked by this. I've always been an introspective person. I would have never guessed. But I there's something about having had a few times, multiple times, had had to face my own insecurities Mhmm. In a relationship where I know that I am loved and I am valued and I am cherished. I know my place in that relationship and there was never any doubt. And I still had those insecurities. Like, that was that was a me job. That was a me thing. That does not mean I did not cry.

I cried. I cried so much, until I didn't. Until I kinda went, okay. I understand this for for me, and everybody's different. When same ish similar issues would come up, and I have to regulate through them each time and because I had kids at home. I still had to be a mom. I still had to do work. I still had to do these things. Right? Like, I had to get my shit together, but try to do it in a healthy way. Each time a similar feeling comes up that I have to work myself work through myself,

it gets easier each time. It does not always get easy. Let's let's not let's not lie to ourselves. But it just get easier because things are familiar, and I remember things that worked before. And I go, okay. Take that breath. Okay. Mhmm. Say the name the fucking emotion. Do not be afraid to name the emotion. And that's how by the time I don't know if you you remember this

or recognize this. The first time you went off, after we lived in this town, not in this house, but in the town, you went off with, somebody to a play party. You came home, and I was very what's the word I want? Fragile. Like, I I was I was not emoting at you, but it wouldn't have taken much for me to just, like, fall over. Right? And very soon after you got home and got settled, I needed to talk about it. Mhmm. Well, then the next time, I was less emotionally fragile when you came

in. Mhmm. And it I waited much longer. I was like, hey. Now that you're home and you're rested and you've unpacked and we did these errands and, like, it's two days that can we talk about this? Right? And, like, each time got it got easier for me to handle in the moment until there was nothing to handle. And then it got easier to talk about without in in a regulated way so that it

was a calm conversation of, hey. I have figured out this would help me feel a little bit better about you being not in town. Right? You being not in the fucking state. You know what I mean? Like, or or wherever you were going. Right? And then we could modify it that way. Right. So that is one of my experiences with emotional intelligence and regulation. It's the it's the example that kept coming up when I was going through this. Okay. So it's a very complicated topic.

Mhmm. And I think it's important. I think that, anybody who it resonates with, but you're like, I'm fucking clueless. I don't know what to do. There's so much information available online. There are people who talk about it. There are people who write about it. You can the resources there start with the links that I I used and go from there. But it is a skill. It is a thing you have to learn. You have to do it enough times until you go, okay. I kinda understand what this is. Right. So

It's like anything else. You have to work at it till it becomes muscle memory. Mhmm. Mhmm. And for some people, you'll pick it up quicker Mhmm. Than other people. You'll be working you'll it'll be a challenge and for a little bit longer. It's the same with communication skills. Yep. But I promise you, if you can get your emotional skills improved, the communication skills, those two things, everything's enhanced by that. Oh, yeah. So Yep. So, So that's my topic.

Do you have anything you would like to add? Nope. Okay. I'm happy to do a bonus section. Okay. So, are we good? I guess. Keep it geeky, y'all. I will see you next week. Daddy, can I talk about crickets? Yeah. I don't know what to talk about. I get to feel all of my feelings about travel anxiety for, like, thirty six hours. Actually, in the week leading up to this whole week. And then it's thirty six hours of our life. It's like, I've never traveled out and back this fucking fast. Me either.

Yeah. I am a give me two nights in a hotel room kinda girl, and we did not do that this time. Yeah. But it's all new. And so yeah. Yeah. The anxiety's Anxiety's riding me. I didn't sleep last night. I I listened to the whole forty two minute sleep story, and then I kept being awake after that. And you tossed and turned a few times. You elbowed me a couple times, you kneed me a couple times, I shoved you a

couple times. We love one another. And, and I was awake through all of that and then I clearly fell asleep at some point, and then I woke up and I needed to pee and I said, not today, Satan. And I tried to make myself go back to sleep, and then your alarm went off. And I went, no. I'm not getting and I think I fell back asleep for, like, fifteen more minutes. Oh, god. Oh, which is the worst. Like,

I don't know. Everybody's different. I have learned over the years, if I am gonna fall back asleep, I better get, like, that full fucking REM cycle. Better get, like, the hour and a half or whatever it is. Because if it's less than that, exhausted. Exhausted when I wake up. But, yeah. So now we're doing all the details of what we need to pack because we don't wanna forget anything.

And because it's a tight turnaround, it there's some things it doesn't make sense to bring, but there's some things that if we forget it, it won't make sense to just go buy it because we're not there that long, but it means you have to be without it. And we're not gonna be in our typical climate, so we're watching weather forecast and I don't own a jacket. I'm like, look, I do good if I wear a hoodie and a t shirt underneath said hoodie. That's

enough layers. I mean, thank god for, you know, the extra padding and and running hot naturally. I'll mostly be fine. Yeah. Going to airports we've not traveled to and from before. Mhmm. So I'm doing that thing. Not everybody does it. I know. But I script stuff in my head. I script conversations always. But I also script out of my head, like, what should happen from point a to point b? What's the day supposed to look like? What is this event supposed to look like? What what

happens then and then what happens next? And we go to the and I do that in my head all the time. And with travel, when I have never been to a location before, and it can be as something as simple as never having been to the airport before, I can't script it, and so I am then on fucking edge. Like but how do I prepare myself for what might happen if I don't know what might happen? How do I, like, make sure that I'm prepared for any event possible

if I don't know what to expect? Now once we do this one this trip out and back once, I'll be fine. I I will be a 100% fine. But I gotta go through this one. And apparently, that means I'm not gonna be sleeping. Do this one. Did our screen go black again? No. That's weird. I think it might be the delay. It hasn't caught up. Maybe. So yeah. That'll be a good trip. We'll come back. We'll probably rock up into our own driveway at, like, 2AM on Saturday. We've already decided that we are doing no

chores. We We are doing no errands on Saturday. We are laying still on Saturday. And then Sunday, the oldest has a big it's like the big recital of his college degree. Mhmm. And we're gonna be there for that, which I'm excited about. Yeah. I I get nervous, like, as like so I get nervous for him because I know he doesn't wanna make mistakes. And I also get nervous is the wrong word. Like, I'm happy for him. I'm excited.

I can't wait to watch him. But I do that, like, on edge thing because I remember middle school and high school versions of him where you they would practice really hard and there'd still be, like, a crack in a note or a thing would go wrong. And he always hated it, and I hated it for him. I wanted it to be brilliant and perfect now. We are on year three of listening to this child play a musical

instrument at the college level. And, yeah, he still has blips and moments, but it is so far and above and beyond the high school experience that I think he sounds magical every time, and I cry at every solo he has, at every big boy thing he does at the college level. And this one is an hour of him playing multiple pieces, sometimes alone, sometimes with the, piano accompanist, sometimes in, like, a trio or

a duet or whatever whatever. Like, he's had to put together this recital, and he is the center of it, of every piece. And I know he's gonna be amazing and it's gonna be great and it's a lot of pressure and he pretty much handles pressure well, but I will be on the edge of my seat for that entire hour. I will feel like I have run a marathon by the time we're done. Now I didn't have to do fucking nothing except sit there.

So Yeah. I I remember when he, first started with an instrument and you practiced in the closet. I don't remember that. In the condo. He used to go in the closet. I don't remember that. Okay. You don't remember that? No. I don't remember that. Um-mm. I think it might be coming back to me now, but no. I did not remember that for sure. Yeah. I know. So strange. So yeah. I can. Last week was a rough week because we had a family member in the hospital. They appear to be on the mend. It

was critical. It was scary for a few days. Yeah. And now and see, before it got scary for them, they were already there for, like, some serious injuries. And they had surgery, and they got it went downhill very fucking quickly. And now it seems like they're they've recovered from that critical moment, but they still have the injuries that had them at the hospital to be able to recover from. So yeah. This is the longest my mom's ever been in town. By the time she leaves

next week, it'll have been two weeks. She's not usually here for two weeks. Mm-mm. She was prepared to stay for however long she needed to. Because it chance she was gonna leave and then Have to come right back now. Come right back too. So Yeah. I'm glad that smoothed itself out. Mhmm. Anything is still possible, of course Yeah. Knowing this person's history, anything really is still possible. But But right now, things look very good.

Yeah. I mean, we were we were gonna travel no matter what because a lot of a lot of fucking money got spent on plane tickets in a in a single hotel room. Yeah. But I I was prepared for, like, chaos right before we left and and some you know, whatever right when we got back, and I feel better about leaving town Yeah. If that helps. Yeah. So yeah. It's it's a weird week. Mhmm. I just wanna get a good night's sleep, and I probably will not

until we're back on Saturday. That'll probably be when I, like, just get knocked out in sleep sleep. But it's okay. We're it'll be fine. It'll be an adventure. You will. I don't like change, and I don't like not knowing what's coming. But sure. Great. I can't wait to have an adventure. An adventure shall be. Look. The only reason this is gonna happen with any level of success is because JB is gonna be there. And when two putting pressure on me now, please. No.

Look. When two of the three of us are, like, wide eyed and we don't know what's supposed to happen next, this man if nothing else, it might not always be the right decision, but he will make a decision and we will move forward from there. Me and the youngest, we get stuck. We we get in freeze mode if I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. JB don't live like that. I I don't know if they still do it, but if, I feel but it makes me feel like

Mhmm. I think it was the Peabody in Orlando where they had the daily walking of the ducks. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. They're gonna come out. And and Dylan would walk and the ducks would fall into the fountain. Right. Because we were like opening up the and that's what I feel like with y'all, you know, just yeah. I try to make it so you don't have to have that full responsibility before we go. Like, I try to plan things, and, like, I booked the

rental cars, and I booked the Yeah. Plane, and I I did all of the things, and then I will read, like, a good submissive. I'll relay all the information. But there will come moments where I'm like, I couldn't plan for this. I don't know what we do next. But what the thing the thing we will tell ourselves probably when we get in the car to drive to Orlando for the airport, on Thursday, is we will have a pep talk that we do a lot when we know we're going into a high stress situation. Mhmm.

We will go, we love one another. We wanna keep loving one another. We wanna stay together. So we will remember that it's not you versus me. It is us versus the chaos. And, you know, when we do that, it's mostly fine. What'll happen is one of us if one of us gets snappy, the other one will crack a joke, like, to remind the other that wait. Wait. Wait. We're not being stressed with one another. We're being stressed at the problem. Right. And and it helps. So yeah.

So anyway Yep. That's us about to go on an adventure. Mhmm. So, yeah, we're, we're getting ready to do all that. Lola will be going to be boarded. Mhmm. Mhmm. And at the the big luxury package Yeah. She'll get the bigger room. Mhmm. She'll get, we'll get updates at least one a day with a picture or video, one of the two. She'll get special treats. She will get one on one time with humans, which she

fucking loves. Mhmm. She'll get minimal time with other dogs because she doesn't mind other dogs, but apparently, the high energy dogs She's a chill out a little bit. Yeah. Right. And I'm just like, you know what? Same. She's an older gal now. So, you know, she's I don't have all that energy bullshit. Yeah. My mom is gonna feed the cats. I did not know if I would get to ask her to do that because I didn't know what all was going on or how long she'd be here, and she's gonna feed

the cats for us. So, I really hope she does not get nosy and walk around the house. She's not usually that tight, but I am currently sitting here next to JB staring at a giant purple dick with giant purple balls. Mhmm. And I don't wanna have the conversation with my mother if she happens to walk in this office about why. First of all, she would either be in denial or is kind of innocent, but I think it'd be denial, and would not be able to name it as a giant purple dick. Okay?

She she I don't think she would. I think it would I think it would be denial. She's not an idiot. Well, if it makes it feel I will put sir Richard away. Okay. Well, I hope we don't find out that my mother is nosy in general. Yeah. But I was just gonna close off all the outer rooms Yeah. So Ella does not pee in every corner while I was on. I love that cat. I love that cat. Yeah. But if my mom's like, oh, I never

get to walk around here. Well, maybe you shouldn't because you're gonna see big, giant, purple dicks. Okay? You never know. You never know what you're gonna find. Not around here. Right? Not around here. The youngest, the 16 year old, she asked one day, she goes, is everything you make and sell some sex thing? I said, kink, but yeah. She goes, everything? Even the candles? I said, especially the candles. She was like, goddamn it. I thought that was like one of the normal fake scenes

on the table. No. No. Sorry. Yeah. Anyway. Anywho. We're gonna go. Yep. I'm sure I've got 85 texts from my mom about dinner because we're going with my mom tonight. And I gotta feed the, fur babies. Mhmm. And we have to do all the things that we would do Thursday and Friday today Mhmm. Work wise. So it'd be fun times. Yeah. Thanks for being here with us. Mhmm. If you felt especially called out in any part of the emotional intelligence regulation conversation, I feel you. Same.

Hopefully, it's helpful to somebody. And we will be back next week. And, yeah. Sorry about the little glitches in the video. Not sure what that was. Podcasts will be fine. Yeah. So, anyhoo. Yeah. Okay. Okay. We're gonna go. Bye y'all. Bye y'all.