Dominants and Communication

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode 417. Lords here with the 1, the only, the you really know your way around a paddle. John Brown's done. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your, birthday spanking this morning. That was a very self satisfied chuckle there. Mhmm. And what nobody can see but me is the smirk on your face. True. You are very proud of yourself. I am. I did good. At at least, I think I did. My ass you. Your ass is very welcome. Anyway, that's not what we're here to talk

about. But yesterday, we're recording this episode on my birthday, so hence birthday spankings. Now, this week, we're talking about why dominance communication skills matter just as much as the submissives. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. Show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net.

Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You could also follow the show on Fetlife at loving BDSMpc on Instagram and threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Hate, loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. A big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including

our newest peeps. We are able to keep being kinky weirdos on the Internet because of our kinky patrons. We are grateful for every fucking lot of you. If you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content and a Discord server, well, they're gonna be super cool, super nice kingsters. You can do that. Join us at patreon.com/kayla lords. That's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes. All of them.

Them. Sorry podcast listeners. JB was threatening to hit my buttons and I was not gonna complain. So I did not put any announcements in this episode because when I tried to make the script and the outline for today, it was through a massive headache after I had realized I could not decipher numbers. I told everybody in Patreon that the q and a was at, 3 when it's really at 2, and I was very it was a rough. So I went, you know what? We're just not announcing shit this week.

The kinkery just finished a sale. I've barely looked at our Etsy shops in, like, a hot ass minute. Just whatever. Live your life. Okay? We're we're not selling shit this week. We're just gonna the one thing I will say, and that's a vague it's not an announcement, but it's a vague thing, is that our weekly livestream times will be changing as of next week, November Yeah. 6th. But as of the time of recording, we don't know When that will be. When that will be.

So if you are a person who used to watch the stream and has not been able to because of the time, or you'd like to but the current time does not work for you, stay tuned. There will be a new time. So this one is I don't have a good outline for this topic because in a way, this topic can encompass everything and It might. Right? And that's too much. So I'll just warn you, we might be chaotic. I just know I want to talk about this.

So I will give some, caveats, disclaimers, and maybe I can stop a keyboard warrior before they begin. In the things we're going to talk about today, whatever that ends up being, because it's not a a clear, clear outline. 1, yes. It likely does apply to submissives too. You're right. 2, yes. This is good information for non kinksters too. You're right. No. We are not mentioning a specific thing you thought of because we are not

all knowing, all seeing. We we can we will only talk about some of the things, and we might miss a thing that's important to you, and and it's okay. That's what the comment section is for. Feel free to share your perspective. We like that. The other thing, the reason I I brought this to you and I was like, hey.

What do you think? Mhmm. Is because I think that too often, we, and I mean kink educational informational spaces in general, do not focus on dominance an enough or as maybe as much as we should. And I know why we do it. It's because when a submissive does not know how to communicate, cannot, does not feel safe using a safe word, does not think they're supposed to have limits

and boundaries. Their physical, mental, emotional well-being is at risk, and so we have to, like, build the confidence and the knowledge up for some of them so they can hopefully help protect themselves and, in the process, protect their dom. Because if if you are unintentionally the reason your dom does something destructive, a decent dom is fucked up as well. Like, it's not good for anybody.

But I you know? So some of this is gonna be stuff we've talked about before, but I just wanna, like, say it's about the Dom's. So, the I have a question for you because you are our resident Dom. So I'm sorry. You have to speak on behalf of all of them. That's a scary thought. When you first figured out you were kinky, got into the lifestyle, started dabbling in power exchange, and that was well before me, What was your what if any communication challenges did you have in terms of

Such as? Well, you know, I was not raised in a a place that, taught good communication skills. Sure. Therefore, early on a lot of my relationships were not ones where I practice good communication. Mhmm. Alright. So it was it was a challenge just in and of itself. Mhmm. Okay. You know, acknowledge my feelings, What the hell is that? And you still struggle with that. I I do, I I do. There there are times I still struggle

with it. You know, it I I think the hardest part for me in all that was was realizing that I had a safe place to say what I wanted to. Mhmm. Okay? And I wasn't shamed for it, I wasn't, you know, put down for it or or judged for it or anything like that. Mhmm. You know, but that that was a hard thing Mhmm. To to to process and put into action. I think I know the answer, but I'm gonna ask it anyway. Uh-oh.

As those skills improved for you Mhmm. Did your kink life and power exchange relationships also improve? Yes. Yes. I wanted it on the record. That, you know, it I think that's something that goes hand in hand. Mhmm. Okay? When you can better communicate your feelings, your needs, whether you're a big d or a little s Sure.

You know, regardless, I I think that's going to make things better, because when you can clearly state, you know, what you want, what what your boundaries are, what, you know, different thing you know, whatever whatever it is that you have to say. When you can say it clearly, you know, hell of a difference. And be heard. And be heard. That that's true too. You know, you can talk all you want, but if you fall on deaf ears, it's not gonna Right. It doesn't really matter. Matter hill beans.

So I'm curious because here's my belief and not universal. I would never think this applies to everybody. But from the outside looking in, watching many doms over the years, and also my own experience with you, would you say that you, can relate to what I'm about to say, which is the idea that once you're confident in yourself as a dominant so that's a big thing Mhmm. Regardless. And some of that is about communication and some of that is just about experience and figuring your own self

out. But once you have that confidence as a dom, do you or have you found it easier to talk about wants, needs, boundaries? The the bits and pieces of the power exchange and the fuckery, than to communicate, like, feelings, emotions, vulnerabilities. Things that are not directly tied to the fuckery and the power exchange, but

absolutely would affect that. Like, is it easier as the dom who's deciding what we're doing within my boundaries, of course, to talk about that than it is to talk about the other stuff? Speaking for myself, yeah. I know it's still the thing you struggle with all these years later. And and I do. I'm not I'm not gonna deny that. I I struggle with it, even though I when I look to look back Mhmm. You know, on on me years ago, I I have

come leaps and bounds Oh, sure. Yeah. But I still got a fucking long way to go. So what, beyond the doing Mhmm. What, if anything, communication wise helped you gain confidence as a dominant? Like, I know the putting of things in practice and just the doing it is part of a huge part of of building confidence. To say, I I think what helped me more than anything, and and I know this is gonna sound like a silly stupid simple answer, but you.

Okay? Because you gave me a safe place to be able to say the things, to be able to express the things. You know, and and that is something that is priceless. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? Because, you know, I I know, like I said, you know, I had to overcome my own misgivings as far as communication. Sure. But, you know, there were times when I did try to express and Others shut you down? Shut right down in a heartbeat, you know, and and you did

not do that. You you gave me the ability to voice my thoughts, you never judged me for anything I have ever said to you in any way shape or form, and and you have always acknowledged whatever I have said. Mhmm. Okay? And and that has made it that much easier. Also, you allow me to pull it out of you kicking and screaming sometimes. No. That's true. There Tough clause gets activated. Because you know what's funny? In in and this is not something that we started this

way. This was, we got to this place at some point over the years. You allow me the ability to call you on your bullshit. Yeah. Like, yeah. I I get it. He's in charge. He's the dumb. We're 247. He's he's always the dumb. Yes. He's also always human. And he I I am I'm gonna shy away from sometimes hard things. Sometimes I, you know, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna shy from things, you know, I have my own,

hang ups. Sure. You know, from, from things, so, you know, yeah, there, there are times, I I think, in a way, I could probably say it comes back to bad tapes. Sure. Yeah. Real quick for anybody who doesn't know what a bad tape is. It's a little bit like a trigger, but less, like, psychologically applicable. Yeah. It's more of a a thing that happened in a previous relationship that is you think is happening to you right now, and you respond happening to you right now, and you respond

as if that person Mhmm. Your current partner is the former partner, and so your response is out of proportion to what's actually happening. Yep. So, you know, I I think that contributes to some of it as well. Oh, yeah. I mean, I have at least learned over the years how to navigate some of your known, both bad tapes and triggers. Like, if I know something can trigger you, and I'm like, shit, we still have to have this conversation, I do a lot of caveating in the

beginning of Mhmm. I know this might sound like that, or I know this is hard for you to think about. Yeah. I do spend a lot of time, and I I do think you need it because I'm pretty sure this is not something you heard a lot, before our relationship. I know I never heard anything like it, but I do spend a lot of time going, your insert emotion is valid. Mhmm. Like, I get that you're angry. I get that you're sad. I get that you're this. And and then I do a comma, like, however

Yeah. Or but what are you thinking or whatever. Like, I I sort of try to acknowledge the stuff that I I just know from all the conversations we've had and the things I've witnessed in your life that you, you know, you've been told most of your life about how you're not supposed to feel a thing. And how much of this is, you know, about how Western society socializes, you know, boys and girls of how we're, oops, sorry, of how we're supposed to respond and how we're supposed to behave and how

we're supposed to feel. Right? So there's been some undoing of that over the years. And I can't, I can't, I'm not magic. I can't undo what's gonna happen to you. But what I do is go, okay, yeah, I know you're primed to think that nobody cares about how you feel. I'm just gonna preemptively go, your feelings are valid.

Yes. I absolutely can see why. And I'm reading your emotion, and you you've gotten really good, because you didn't use to do this, of if I read the emotion, not necessarily incorrectly, but, like, it's not the complete story, you've gotten better at going, actually, that's not what I'm feeling, or that's not all of what I'm feeling. And you've gotten better at naming your own emotions. Mhmm. Yeah. And, that's taken practice and a lot of work.

And like I say, I still have I I know I still have a a bit of a journey on that one. Because we all do. Yeah. Not one of us came out of the womb going, I know how to communicate all of my thoughts and feelings to anybody I might come across. Like, I mean, technically as infants, we did. We just screamed our full head off until somebody fulfilled our needs. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So I don't know how to ask this question. I don't even know if it's a question because I've got observations.

Oh, goodness. Oh, goodness. What is a thing other than your feelings, like, I think we've that's clear that you're still working on that. What, if anything, do you struggle with or have struggled with and overcome to communicate specific to being a dominant? Like interesting question. I haven't, really thought about that. Well, because here's some things I think about that we know are potential issues. You don't punish and or dole out consequences and anger. No. But, man, we can piss

one another off real good. Oh, yeah. We can. Oh, yeah. You do deal with depression. Yes. And we've had very long in-depth conversations even recently about some of that. Yeah. And, you know, your ability you are always my daddy dom, and to me, you are always a dom. But when it's hard to communicate your thoughts, your feelings, what you want it's hard to even think about what you want. That that absolutely has to impact the power

change. It does not impact our relationship in that somehow the relationship is falling apart, but it it does, you know Here here's what I what I will say with that, you know, yeah, my depression. Yeah, it's it's a bugger, and that is something that I am struggling with communicating, especially when it comes to our power exchange. Mhmm. You know, for for me to say, you know, yeah, things are hitting me a little bit today, and I'm I'm I'm not there. I don't know, you know, what I can

what I can do. Mhmm. And and that is that is a tough thing for me to vocalize. Are there worries that you have around the idea of vocalizing it? Do you worry that I will have a reaction, or do you worry about what it says about you? Or It's mostly Well, usually is. It usually is. You know, thinking that, at that point when I when I have have hit one of those those valleys, I'm like, you know, I I I can't feel this way, I'm the big d, I'm the one in I'm the one in charge, I shouldn't be like

this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And and that's where that's where that block comes from. Mhmm. Have you had the experience of, maybe not in those specific words, but talking about your feelings and then coming through the other side of that? Not the situation is any better Mhmm. But talking through it and then maybe seeing things differently or feeling differently? The funny thing is, the few times that we have, it has actually made me feel better to get it out. That's where I was

going with it. Yes. And, even though most times it does not resolve anything Usually, it does, I know. You know, yes, just getting it out helps. And yet, there is still that disconnect that, no, I can't I can't do this. It's not my observation is, you don't learn from that each time. Like, in my case, as I was learning I could trust you as partners, as you're submissive, all that,

it becomes easier over time. I might I might not be perfect or, you know, immediate with sharing something or expressing something, but each time I'm like, I know I'm safe because that's dynamic. You are we don't use these labels, but you are kind of a protector of me and the dynamic. And so, yeah, I can kinda lay down my burdens as long as I feel safe to do so. That's, you know, a necessary part for anybody.

And so for me, it gets to be a little bit easier each time, whereas you always carry the and I don't say burden in, like, the super negative way, but let's just call a thing what it is. You you always carry the burden of the responsibility. To wait. Right. And so there's a pressure that comes with it. Even if I'm over here screaming, no. No. No. It's good. Let me serve by taking off some of the pressure. Yeah. You know? Just the nature of the role being what it is. It is. Right.

Right. So each time, it's like pulling teeth to get him to just talk. And each time I'm trying to do, like, a Pavlov's dog thing here. Each time I'm like, and don't you feel a little bit better? We didn't solve anything, but don't doesn't it feel good to have shared this? And he goes, yes. It does. And then poof, out of his mind the next time. So In one ear out the other, so

to speak. Yeah. I'm curious because my knowledge from things you've told me tells me this might not be true, but I don't know everything because you haven't told me everything. We got another good 30 years ahead of us for you to tell me everything. Okay. Oh, we're propping you up by the jukebox. We've already decided this. Remember? Anyway, have there been times where as a dominant in kink right? Like, we're not talking about vanilla shit where, oh, we

all have to recover from that. Yeah. As a dominant in kink, have you had times where you tried to communicate, and for all kinds of different reasons, the partner you were trying to communicate with, like, there was a a failure of understanding, or they didn't accept your communication, or it was a struggle, or they were maybe not the best person to be vulnerable with. I would I would have to say that happened more so in any

vanilla relationship. Mhmm. Mhmm. In any Do you think because there's a twofold here. You're you are both a a man, right, and also a dominant. Do you ever get the feeling that from the from the submissives you encounter, and everybody is different, that maybe your words are given more weight and you're given the things you're trying to communicate are given a little bit more respect just for that? Just for that? To a certain extent, yes. I I think that that does occur. Mhmm.

I don't necessarily like it. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're not a shitty human being. But, well, I I mean, to to a certain degree, I I look at it, you know, I I don't like it because I feel like I I in many times, I haven't done anything to earn it or deserve it. Right. Because you're not a shitty human being. You're not perfect, but you're not shitty. No. I'm I I am I am far from perfect because, you know, I I talking about the, you know, makes me think back.

And and I I came across something several weeks ago from many, many, many years ago online. I was shocked to even see that site was still in existence. But, you know, early very early on in, some of my DS relationships, I was the one that that fucked up because I wasn't communicating.

Right. You know? And Was it a they if you think back, because you might not have even thought it clearly at the time, but when you think look back, was it a somebody should just know, or you believed you were being clear and you weren't, or it was stuff you didn't think you had to say, or what do you think was? It was a combination of of stuff that I didn't think I had to say. And at the time, I thought I was being clear, but now that I look back on it, I was like, oh, that was very muddy. Yeah.

That was some muddy shit. And was the person you were interacting with not the type to go, hey. Hey. Hey. I need clarification? No. You know, so yeah. Especially early on, it it yeah. I know. What kind of issues did it did it cause to that lack of communication cause? Arguments need not being met on either side. And so then being disappointed in each other Right. And the feelings that come along with Exactly. When you're like, but I thought I told you and you're not doing the thing and

yeah. And yeah. No. And, you know, yeah. It it was a lot of it was, was on me because I was not communicating clearly. Mhmm. You know? I wasn't communicating my expectations clearly. I wasn't communicating my my wants, needs Mhmm. You know, and feelings clearly. And And, you know, and I think that's a trap that some dominance fall into, and I get why it happens if it relates to anybody. Mhmm. To not need to communicate your own wants and needs that clearly is because you're deciding

within boundaries, within limits. But, and I don't agree with this, but I can see how it'd be like, well, I don't have to tell you what I want. I just have to take what you want and make it work with what I already want as Dom. I'm speaking as a Dom here. Mhmm. And just do the thing, which I mean, I guess you could do that or you could do things better. I mean Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, I I I try to think back to the early parts of our power exchange, both long distance and in person.

And this my memory is fuzzy because I have a shit memory. But what I remember more in those early days of our long distance relationship is more of the focus being on what I wanted, what I needed, what I was into as you were trying to figure it out. But I don't remember a lot of in-depth conversations about what you wanted, what you need, what you expected Mhmm. What kind of dominant you were. Yes. What kind of dominant you were.

Yes. You made that very clear that was never but, you know, I don't and I don't know that conversations had to go this way, but I don't remember sitting down and you going, okay, I like spanking, and I like impact, and this is what I like. And I Part of it, I think, and this is I'm looking back now, so rose colored glasses and all. I think part of it was you were experienced and I was inexperienced and your excuse me. Oh my gosh. Your focus is on making sure that I understood

what I was even agreeing to. Right. And over time, I mean, what you're into became very clear, and where we we mesh and match up really well is easy to deal with. But even now, every once in a while, you will express an interest, and I'm like, oh, you like that? Surprised. And I, you know, every potential dynamic has to navigate this in their own way, but I do wonder if I would have benefited from direct conversations about what you wanted.

And, you know, I think you were I think you were going about it in a a good way because what you were trying to do was not pressure me. You were not trying you were purposely trying to have conversations where I didn't feel pressured to give into what you like or to agree with you because you were the dom. And I think that's a, responsible way to do that. Yeah. But I genuinely cannot think of a time when you just were like, these are the things I like to do.

And, you know, that that might that might have been an interesting conversation. And it might be something that is more beneficial when you've got maybe 2 experienced kinksters or a really experienced submissive and a less experienced dominant because that experience submissive hopefully is like, okay. I'm good with my boundaries. I'm I'm not gonna be smoking to ping the mic. I'm not gonna be swayed by what a dom wants because I'm I I've got the experience to know myself

well enough. And maybe it is you it's different when it's a very inexperienced submissive and the dominant partner is trying to be responsible. I well, you know, in in the in in in the beginning with you and I, you know, wasn't even really looking at you and I as in a relationship. Very important. That and I. You know? And and I was more in the mode of, yeah, educating you. Mhmm.

Mhmm. Yeah. And trying to mentally prepare me for a day when I would have another dom who wouldn't let you be my friend. Yeah. I rejected that bullshit. Yeah. I was mad at a dom I didn't have, hadn't met, and probably didn't even exist. And yet I was still going, I don't I don't know if there's anything here. It's I'm not ready for a relationship. Wait. Does that mean should I let myself talk to you? So, what are some best practices, tips, advice you would give a dominant who

to think about specific to communicating? Some things that maybe have helped you or you've learned the hard way? Or you know, even even with me, there are times when writing an email is the best practice. Yep. Okay. I I'm I'm not gonna say writing a handwritten letter. Nobody wants to try and read my handwriting. It's fine. I can read it just fine, man. Yeah. You've been around long enough. That's all.

But, you know, if if you if you want a a good, solid, stable, d s relation or any relationship, you know, it it's hard to open up, it's hard to be vulnerable, but you kinda need to dip your toes in that water. Right. You know, and I I think it's one of those things that, you know, we said this before, communicating is like exercising a muscle. The the more you use it, the easier it becomes. Mhmm. Mhmm. And it is hard if both partners in a dynamic are struggle with it Mhmm. Or

not even just struggle with it. If there's just skills you each are lacking, and, man, if they're not complimentary skills, this is really, really tough. Like Yeah. It can be really rough if one of you is like, I will tell you everything I'm feeling, but I'm not a good listener. Right? And the other one's like, I can't tell you anything I'm feeling. Or I for doms especially and we did the whole episode on vulnerability.

Everybody has their issues with vulnerability, in all different manner, in all different directions. But doms are uniquely in a position where too many people buy into the I can't be vulnerable because then I cannot be perceived as strong. And I I look like I am weak if I am vulnerable. And the biggest strength is vulnerability. The hardest part is being vulnerable with the right person. Correct. And that's part is being vulnerable with the right person. Correct. And

that's where we get fucked up. Because, you know yeah. See, there there's a big miss misconception, you know, saying that being vulnerable isn't isn't a strength. It takes a hell of a lot of strength, no matter regardless of who you are, to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Right. Absolutely. Absolutely. And and vulnerability looks like a lot

of different things. For for JB, vulnerability in in at certain times has been letting me see him be angry about his past, letting me see him be sad about his Mhmm. Some shit that's gone down. You're like, you know, and now but now we're at a point where I can You you walk in on me before found me crying and just let me And I just hug you because that's all I can do. The thing what I've had to learn, and this is not a submissive thing, this is a person thing, I have to just let him feel his

emotions. I cannot swoop in and fix it. Whether as a service submissive or just the type of person who likes to fix problems. Like, uh-uh. That's that's not only not my job. That's impossible. And I don't wanna ever unintentionally do something that you read as, oh, I shouldn't be crying. She's gonna do anything she can to get me to stop her. I shouldn't be expressing this emotion. She'll do anything to stop it. So maybe that means I'm not supposed to express that emotion. I've had to learn

to just let you express it. Mhmm. Let you get to a point where you are have kinda come back to yourself. And then if you wanna talk about it, we talk about it. That is another potential thing that dominance, I think, need to be very careful about with communication. As the one in charge of your dynamic, your submissive can come to you and be like, do you wanna talk about this? Can we talk about this? I'm here for you

if you need. And a dominant who thinks that strength comes from being stoic and not sharing and not admitting, you know, vulnerable feelings and and and all of that, you have the power to to shut down that ability to have that conversation. And look, if you do not trust your partner enough for that, that's one thing. But also, I would like you to do some internal, whatever introspections. Because why why can you beat their ass, but you don't trust them

enough to, like Yeah. And you're in this hopefully, you know, you're trying to have a long term dynamic. Like, just just do a little self check there. But, like, you get to go, this is this is the person I'm playing with. This is not a person I'm vulnerable with in this way. That's fine. But you have negotiated a power exchange. It's you're trying to make it long term. You're trying to make it, like, deep and meaningful, but you as the dom as a self protective measure get to go, I don't wanna

talk about this. Even though repressing shit doesn't make it go away, you've just pushed it down for it to pop out somewhere else. Else. Yep. And that somewhere else could fuck up your relationship because you don't nothing gets pushed down. It just gets pushed out. Right. And I think that's a trap that some doms will fall into. We're not gonna talk about this. I don't wanna talk about this. And you get the final say Mhmm. Because of the dynamic. Mhmm. You've done that a couple times. I

am. And what I've learned to do is wait for you to calm down. Mhmm. Do something to see if I can get you to, like, laugh or smile, even if it's that dark, like, you're making me laugh against my will kind of thing. And then I slip in and I'm like, so that thing, that happened. Do you wanna talk about it? Yeah. But these days, we have developed an intimate enough relationship. We've been together long enough. We've seen each other at our best and our worst.

You do kind of, you know, allow me, like I said at the top, I get to call you on your bullshit. I get to be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No. No. I know you're telling me everything's fine, but I have eyes, and I can see you right now. And that's some bullshit. So It's fine. Let's try this again. She said respectfully. Yeah. I guess, you know, the same skills a submissive needs or any kinks tree needs,

a dominant needs. I think a dominant just needs to be careful that they you don't hide behind your authority to and use that as a means to not effectively communicate when things are tough. It's real easy to talk when we're planning a scene when it's about to get kinky in here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's easy and great sometimes. But it gets harder when it's like, oh, shit. This brought up some feelings for me.

Or, oh, I'm not feeling confident in myself as a dom or, oh, my mental health has taken a fucking dive, and I can't be the dom that I think that you think I'm supposed to be. And that's another trap because we all get into it. It's a people thing. Yeah. You have a belief in your head of what my expectation is of you. Right? And vice versa. I'm sure. And vice versa.

And so when some some dumb out there doesn't wanna have to talk or admit something, what you are thinking of is letting down a version of me that sees a version of you, and neither of those exist. In our relationship, because every relationship is different, in our relationship, I want you to be the best you you can be, and what I want is a fully engaged and connected JP. I kinda don't care what flavor I'm getting at any point.

I want you to be as healthy and as happy as circumstances will allow. I'm not talking false positivity and bullshit stuff, but just like I want you to I wanna be in the thick of it with you. So if you're going through it, I want you to talk to me about it. I can't fix it, but I it's a trust thing. It's a vulnerability thing. It's a connection thing, and it's a oh oh, he's got that tone. Oh, he heard that thing, and now

he's got this facial expression. And I know what the fuck is going on because here's what happens because it happens to everybody. You don't tell me what's on your mind, and I come tiptoeing through the tulips into your land mines. And now we're arguing, and I'm like, what is happening here? And that can we are long past the point of those kinds of things damaging a relationship.

Early days, it can. Yes. And from a submissive perspective, if I'm trying to be my best submissive self to my dom and I'm doing the things I agreed to do that we negotiated, and I'm trying to be a person that my dom can be vulnerable and open with, and my dom is shutting things down within themself and will not talk about stuff. And I just come do to do to do. I'd like to like, what about this, daddy? And that hits you just wrong because of a thing you're going through that I don't know about.

Now I'm left and you have the blow up. Right? You react and it feels out of character. It feels like it's too big, too much. What the fuck's going on here? Right? Like, because I don't understand. Now I'm walking away going, what? Did am I did I fuck up? Is something wrong with me? Is something wrong with us? Lack of communication all the way around on both sides of the slash can just it

it just fucks shit up. It does. But doms are just uniquely positioned that it is easier for you to shut down communication when you don't wanna talk about that thing you're going through. Yep. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So any other thoughts that you have about communication as a dominant? I I would have to say, I think, you know, it it is it is difficult. It is not as easy as it sounds to say, you know, well, you know, just just say what's on your mind, say what

you're thinking, say what you feel. Yeah. Not always all that easy. Mhmm. Well, just like I say about you, you know, the reason I can say the shit is because you have you are a safe person for me to be that way with. Yeah. Dominance you need that you need me to be a safe person for you to be able to do that. And and if a dominant has a has a partner that is not safe for them to be fully themselves, that that's a time for a check-in. Mhmm. What is happening here? Right?

And I'm gonna say something that is true of all people, but because we've seen some put air quotes around these doms, sometimes you're not finding somebody who's safe to be yourself with because yourself is shitty. And and the people are going, no. That's you're a shitty human being. No. Don't don't tell me that awful thing. What the hell? So, I mean, there does for all people of all roles in all all walks of life, there should

be some introspection of, wait. But but am I actually an okay human being? Yeah. I think that's always that's always worth, you know, exploring a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, to to think of, you know, the fact that in in a DS relationship, you'd say, well, you know, it it's on the submissive to communicate, and and, you know, no, it's not. It it gonna have it going both ways. Mhmm. I agree. And, you know, both both sides need to be able to communicate. I I agree. And I think,

rightly, wrongly, maybe it's neutral. I don't know. I think we put a lot of pressure on doms to be the ones to pull that out of submissives. And in some cases, that that can be that's how that's gonna happen because maybe that's that dominant has more confidence, has more experience, has just had maybe not better relationship experiences, but different ones. So the things that the dominant might deal with as insecurities are not reflected in in negotiating the dynamic.

But I think it's important for submissives to remember that that potential dom has their own shit. And you'll have your own insecurities. You'll have your own struggles. There will be things that will be hard for you to say. Mhmm. You know? And they're you're not solving that in month 1, year 1, decade 1. Okay? This is No. No. No. A very, like, step by step, inch by inch, long term project.

Yeah. I mean, you know, even after all these years that we've been, you know, the time we've been together, we're still both working on it. Mhmm. Mhmm. You know, the the sucky part though, and this gets into all kinds of things that are outside of the scope of this topic on communication, but I think it all kind of plays a role, is that some of the expectations that a dom has for themself or that others place upon them is will fuck everything up. And what I mean by that is you might have a like,

I'm not. I'm not. But if I, as the submissive I am today, went out there into the world to negotiate another dynamic with a dom. Mhmm. I can't even fucking imagine right now, but whatever. I know and I it's okay. I'm not mad about this, but I know I would be a turn off to certain doms, not we're talking outside of the physical whatever, outside of the dynamic. Because I'll be that assertive submissive who's like, okay. Here's how I I roll. Does

this work for you? And I'm a be like, but also I expect you to talk to me. Why aren't you talking to me? And there are dominants for all kinds of reasons who look at that as a challenge and as disrespect instead of it being a, hey. I'm your equal here. Right. Once we negotiate this, honey, I'll call you anything but a child of god. What are you into? Let's do this thing. But until then, we will speak like equals, and I have thoughts and I have questions. Right. And there's such a

yes. There are doms who would who would take that in a heartbeat and be like, hell, yeah. Let's do this. Mhmm. I think you are not the rule, though. I think it takes a lot of confidence to feel like you are being approached in a certain way because there are stereotypes that we all carry stereotypes in our head. We if you wanna fight against them, it is something you have to work on.

Mhmm. And so there are doms out there who will actually, I think, because I've seen it happen, will pull back from a submissive who communicates too much, who is too direct, who has too many questions, who has a high expectation that they will get information they are seeking. And I don't mean from the the fake poser doms who who don't wanna actually do the work, but from a dom who, you know, has this expectation of what that means to be a dom, and us assertive types

don't fit that. And I'm not saying, like, assertive types have to be accepted by all doms. I just think that if you were a dom who is immediately put off by a submissive who will be like, hey. I have expectations of you too. Let's talk. I just want you to do I just want you to look within about why that might be. That's all I'm saying. But

that's not really about communication. That's about stereotypes of and cliches and and things that people sometimes believe about what it means to be a dom and what it means to be a submissive. Mhmm. And I am happy to smash down some of those beliefs like the kool aid, ma'am. Oh, yeah. Because I I have 0 fucks to give when it comes to that. Yeah. Part of that is because I am fully accepted by you. You know who I am as your submissive. You know who I am as a

human being. Yep. And you're like, yep. I I did sign up for this. I I I Chipped and all. Like What have I done? I'm in. So yeah. Yeah. Anything else you'd you wanna add? I don't think so. I don't have anything. Could could I? Sure. Sure. Sure. I always can. I don't have anything else. I really wanted to hear what you had to think more than anything. I know. I only had three thoughts in my head for this topic. So I was like, if I can get those out, we're good. It's also hot as shit today. And and

I I know. You bought the air. You did all the things. I did all the things to make it as comfortable as I could. Yeah. So we will do a bonus section, but we will we will wrap this up. K. So, are we good? I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. We'll see you next week. Dottie. Yes, baby girl. What the fuck is happening to us? I don't know what you mean. We are struggling. Yeah. Can we talk to the crickets though? Talk to the crickets. Okay. I'm sweaty right now, y'all.

I I also okay. So I I got I don't I don't get bored with the podcast. That has never happened, not once in all these fucking years. But I got bored with our 7 PM livestream time fairly quickly. But I also knew, practically speaking, why we were not streaming at noon because it was summertime in this room and it was hot as shit. So it's been kind of exciting to stream podcast listeners. This doesn't affect you. The podcast still comes out

when the podcast comes out. But it was kind of exciting today to stream earlier because we're gonna go be good parents tonight and watch a kid perform. And it's like a studio recital. So it's, like, small and intimate and, like, I'll actually see this child and hear his instrument. It's very exciting. So it was kind of exciting to change the time, but it has also stressed me the fuck out. I have no sense of time. I don't everything I thought I had

more time this morning. I went get my birthday drink from Starbucks, and then I was like, oh, I'll help my daddy out, and I'll go get gas because I had 12¢ off at 7:11. And then I'm coming home and I'm like, oh, shit. We stream in just over an hour. I was all sorts of time. Mhmm. And you were like you had I'd text you to say I was leaving, and you went you text me back. I'm like, okay. When you get home Mhmm. Meet me out in the little shop. Yep. And for a second, I went, what does he need me out

there for? And then the other second was, oh, I know what I was supposed to be out there for. But then I was on my quest to get an overpriced coffee and some gas, and so forgot about it. And this is how antsy this man was. I pull up. I sit in the car because I was finishing posting a story to the Kinkery's Instagram story. Oh my god. Yeah. And I'm like, okay. I need to go get in. And I'm looking at the tongue going, oh, shit. I really need to get

in. And JB is at the door going, we don't have a lot of time, but I've got a plan. And he's not saying anything. And I'm like, is this what I think it is? No. Yeah? No. I'm so weird. Next thing I know, I'm bent over in the little shop having my ass beat. It was to life. It was one of the fastest birthday spin I ever had. That that was a quick one. That was a quick one. We we we were very fast. We were running out of time because I still needed to shower. I needed to

eat and yep. It was a quick it was a quick one, but an effective one. It was. It was. And I was able to stay on task after that, quite frankly. Yep. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, it's kind of a low key birthday, and I'm I'm fine with that. Yeah. It's I know. My mid forties. It's not like it's a Yeah. You know? And it it it's been a busy week. It's only Wednesday. Wednesday. Oh my god. Well and that's we've had all kinds of stuff. So Yeah. I mean, we celebrated our wedding anniversary on Monday.

We had a date night. It was delightful. Very low key, but it was very nice. It was wonderful. It was such a nice evening. It was. We actually did a good job of, like, just putting our fucking phones down. Yep. And then Tuesday, was interrupted because we had our Doctors. Our doctor's appointment. See, we're now of an age and with enough medications, we don't just go once a year. We have to go twice a year. No. I'm just saying gotta check

everything because Yep. I'm now taking, like, a small handful of medications. So they're like, let's check your blood. And I'm I'm starting to look down that scope. Right. You are doing fairly well though. You you are you are less than I am, and you are much older. But it was like we both had to talk about dose increases and changes and what's not we love our doctor. She's amazing. She's a person who actually listens. Yes. Does not

discount anything we say. She just, like, either gently correct or will actually validate and go, actually, yes, and blah blah blah. Here's what you need now. So but that took, like, part of our day in the middle. And now today is, like and JB had even said, I think for your birthday, don't do too much. And I went, okay. Okay. That's fine. And I agreed. And then I looked at the calendar. I was like, okay. I'll process orders first

thing in the morning. My favorite literally y'all, business wise, this is one of my favorite things to do. Let me let me box some orders, please. And then I was like, okay. We've got the stream. That's fine. And then at some point between Monday and today, I was like, and also I have about 3 videos we need to record. So so glad we're taking it easy. Yeah. Yeah. Because we forget how time works. We could've we could've made at least 2 of these videos at any point previous

to today. True. True. We did not. And Lola agrees. Right. She says we should actually look at a calendar more often. Let me see if she wants to go out. But yeah. So tonight, the 19 year old has, like I said, a performance, and it's much earlier. It's not like a full blown concert, and those are usually 7 something at night. This is, like, 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Time. So I was like, okay. So I guess we're having my birthday dinner in Gainesville because we'll already be there.

So the 19 year old, I had said, hey. Are you gonna, you know, have dinner with us? I don't know where we're gonna go, but, you know, we're gonna we'll do that. He goes, oh, no. They're having a potluck reception thing, and I wanna go hang out with the homies. And I was like, okay. Like, I, like, it's fine. I'd if he didn't have a performance, he wouldn't have been here on my birthday anyway, so it's no big deal. Then he sends me a text. Not a happy birthday text. A

this is word for word. Dinner tonight, queen? I was like, I was like, I thought you had a thing. I was like, but, of course, if you wanna come to dinner with us, you're more than welcome to. And he goes, oh, I need to go check on that thing, don't I? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. Even I've got the social life. I'm just trying to get, like, college town Mexican food or something. I don't know what we're having, but I don't know. It is wild. And yet it already feels like Friday to

me. Mhmm. It does. Podcast listeners, it's hilarious that you're like, but it is Friday. Not to me. Not right now. No. No. Yeah. And and Monday, we had a really nice time. We did. We, went out for dinner. Mhmm. Had had a nice dinner at, Italian restaurant. Mhmm. And We each dressed cute. We did. We did. And, then we went to Barnes and Noble's Mhmm. And hung out looking at books. Just walked I walked every book table.

Mhmm. And some actually sounded good, and I was like, let me see if it's on on Kindle Unlimited, or if I can get it for, like, can I read it on my phone? Yeah. And I I ducked in the back for a while to look at the, vinyl albums and Mhmm. Mhmm. Yep. Don't do that. And then we went for dessert. Mhmm. And I I I did my research before our anniversary. This is our 7th wedding anniversary. Right. Will I remember that next year is our 8th? Probably not. Probably not. Probably not. I'll

have to go look it up again. Not unless we put it in the calendar now. Why would we do something like that? Crazy crazy taught. Crazy taught. So yeah. Yeah. Mhmm. So but yeah. It was a good time. Mhmm. It was a very good time. Yep. But other than that, just same old, same old. Mhmm. And tonight I'll be driving. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You will. Yeah. Well, because on the way there, there'll be so much traffic that I'll get nobody wants me driving when I'm anxious

and there's traffic. And then on the way back, the sun will have gone down. And I don't know if it's my prescription. I don't know if it's age. I don't I don't know. But driving at night has become a nightmare. Like, I'm just I'm just not doing it if I don't have to. Even when it's a just an empty road, I'm like, yeah. But which way are we going, and what I what is the road doing? No, dude. I don't know. I don't know. I'm sure I would benefit from pharmaceuticals of some kind.

Just not fair right now. So yeah. So, yeah. This is 45, if you wondered. I I won't say, like, my forties have sucked. Man, there's been some suckage in life. And has it been in the first half of my forties? Yes. So I am hopeful that the second half of my forties, it's just up from here is is what I'm hopeful for. But yeah. Yeah. I got nothing. I'm I'm sweaty right now. It is. It it's it's very warm in here. I'm being reminded why we changed our schedule in the first place. Right. See. See.

No. I know. It's yeah. We're, we we had 2 days of absolutely beautiful weather. Glorious weather. We turned the AC off, opened the windows, and oh my god, it was it was beautiful. And and then summer came back. Less of a vengeance. Less of with less of a vengeance, but it's still Yeah. But still Even this morning, we went for our stupid walk for our stupid mental health, and I don't I was not cool, like, chilly, like, you know, somebody give me a long

sleeve shirt, but it was so pleasant. I was like, I I could be out here this all day. That was 7 o'clock this morning. 10 o'clock this morning, I left to go run my errands, and I walked out the front door, and I was like, I am immediately sticky and hot. What is happening here? Yeah. Oh. We got faux fall for 2 whole days. Oh, and we we had a a a very, interesting thing happen with Onyx. Oh my god. We well, we learned that she likes the indoor cat life. Thank god.

She she likes the indoor cat life, and, she, apparently, she wants to be with us. Yeah. We are the best alternative for her. So, yesterday, I went out and checked the mail, came back in, and apparently, I did not close the garage or the front door as well as I thought I did. Mhmm. And, I plopped down on the couch, joined Lola for a nap, and in in between it, you were like That's a kid in the kitchen. Sorry. And, you know, you're like, I hear this noise. I hear a noise. It's by the front

door and it Yeah. It's like a sound. And I'm like, what is happening? Yeah. And finally, you get up and go look. I get up and go look and I see that the front door is cracked. Mhmm. And and I go to the door, and I look out the little side window, and I see onyx. No. No. No. You've got the steps wrong. First, you saw that the door was open, and you closed it. And you went, oh, shit. I can't believe I left the door

open. That's that's right. Come back to the couch, and I'm I hear the scrabbling noise. Yes. And I'm like, we don't have any toys or scratchy things Mm-mm. In the foyer. Why am I so I I get up, and I don't see anybody in the area. I'm definitely hearing a scrabbling noise. Yeah. And so we hear it a second time, and that's when we gotta That's when I got to go look. To go look, and and I saw Onyx down at the end of the the walkway. I opened up the door. I didn't know what she was gonna do.

She was gonna run. I I, you know, turned the knob and opened the door. She saw that door open. She bolted in the house. She bolted. I mean, she came in so fast and headed right for our bedroom and into her closet. Mhmm. Mhmm. Her tail was all puffed up. She was it was a traumatic experience for her. Yes. So Yep. So but, yeah, it was interesting to say the least. And, yeah, apparently, she she she chose us. She came right back in. Didn't want nothing to do with that big big wide outside.

Well, I'm pretty sure if we had not figured it out soon enough, she'd have been like, I guess I'll take my chances. She's chipped. Thank God. The problem is I don't know if anybody could catch her because she's so damn skittish. Yeah. But, yeah, she was like, no. No. I'm home. Let me in, please. And see, that was the scrabbling. It was her going, hello? Hello? Can I come back inside now? Yeah. Whoops. We're sorry. Apparently, Ella is here last. She Look. Ella knows where

her 2 squares on a car. She is not going no damn way. She is not. And even even Lola, apparently, she, you know, she was content to be up on the sofa with me. She didn't wanna go anywhere. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. But onyx is our, our loyal adventurer. You know, there there was a time I left the garage door open. The door from the laundry room to the garage. The main garage door was down. Yeah. The the main big door was down. But, yeah, the the door from the laundry room into the garage, and,

she found her way out there. She sure and then wanted to get back went got her back in and closed the door. And and it was funny because when when she came in from the garage, her ears and her whiskers, cobwebs and She got into every crevice. She must have been in every crack and crevice she could fit in. Yep.

And then she is the reason that we don't have good weather stripping around that door anymore because she wanted to go back into the garage and clawed at the door, and there was weather stripping there that's now not there. Yep. Thanks, Onyx. I love you too. Mhmm. That No. Yeah. That was our Onyx adventure. Mhmm. Mhmm. So Oh, anyway. Yep. That's us. Mhmm. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Thanks for being here. Uh-huh. Especially to to the better end. Yeah. We'll be back next week for livestream. It'll

be at a time. I just don't know what time. Yeah. Me neither. We gotta figure that out. And, yeah. We'll talk to y'all soon. Mhmm. Okay. Bye. Bye.