You're listening to Loving BDSM podcast episode four thirty nine. I have I I have something in my throat. No worries. Kayla Lords here with the, nope. How do words work? Oh my god. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, I'm not gonna try to add anything cute, John Brownstone. Oh my god. Wow. Real professionals would rerecord it, but nope. We're just moving forward, y'all.
This week, we are continuing our series about making power exchange work in the real world by talking about what happens and what can happen and what we can do about our power exchange when we are taking care of other people who are not our partners. So raising children, caregiving for adults, that kind of thing. And and I wish I could say, here are all the things and here's a checklist, but y'all know me. There's no there's no checklist, but we will talk about it.
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. Show notes are found at lovingBDSM.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC, on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate, loving d s
and the number one. So that's at loving d s one. On blue sky at lovingBDSM. Blah blah blah blah blah, or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. So How about if I just click it instead of hit it? I mean, but we're kinky around here and we're into impact. No. You can't do that. I need it. Oh, you need that. Well, I need it out of my way. I will pull it back out. I just
need it out of my way. I went through all that to get it right and where I need it to be. I will pull it back out. I have a well, I don't have a good memory, but I have an eye for that kind of spatial stuff. Give me a second. Is this anything about this episode at all? No. Is it a very good example of real world power shit? Yes. Yes. It is. Okay. So was I supposed to have an announcement of, you know, we're sponsoring us or here, remember this thing? Sure. Sure. Didn't. Did
I? No. I can tell you, we just, restocked a product on the kinkery, the kinkery dot com. It's the pounder. Mhmm. It's a a sleek, simple, beginner friendly paddle. There you go. Thekinkery.com. Okay. And and there's some beautiful woods that I'm I know. I'm hope I'm part of me hopes they go fast because they are so gorgeous, but also, I'd like to have them around so I can show them off and be like, look, this is the kind of shit he makes. Right? Yeah. I I especially like the yellow
heart. Got some I had some yellow heart, and it's absolutely beautiful because the wood is yellow, but then there's, like, traces through the woods. I call them almost feathers. Mhmm. It's beautiful. Natural curving. Naturally occurring in the wood. I tried to edit the pictures to do them justice. Mhmm. I tried. So there you go. Oh, that's our announcement. Okay. Okay. So this week's episode, several people because I've made offhand comments about
parenting. We've talked about the whole real world dynamics. It's like, oh, yeah. Parenting will fuck that up. And a lot of people have commented who are parents who are like, oh, my gosh. Can we talk about this? Well, I couldn't and wouldn't make this whole episode just about parenting because we've actually talked about it several times. So that is linked in the places, for
specific to parenting conversation. We are going to talk about parenting, but for those folks who are who are done raising children and or have no intention of ever raising children, that does not mean you won't face something similar if you ever have an adult in your life that needs extra care, that can't live independently or even if they're living independently, they just need help. We've experienced that twice now. Mhmm. And just, you know, nothing prepares you for that. Not really.
But the awareness that, oh, yeah. If if you find yourself in this situation five years from now, maybe maybe your, leaky brain, like I have Swiss cheese brain, will remember, wait. Caitlin and JB talked about this. All this shit I'm going through, it's normal. It's it sucks, but it's normal. So that's that's we're combining it all. Two things I wanna say. Mhmm.
One, we're not talking specifically about partners. There are absolutely power exchange relationships where one or both more partners needs specific caregiving. We're not talking about that because that to me is a little bit separate from this topic.
The other thing when we do talk about parenting, we are talking about the stereotypical experience that most but not all parents will have of their children grow up and as they age they become more mature, more independent, need you less or in different ways depending on how you look at life, ideally with the the thing of they will have their own home and their own life, and you'll fully independent. Right? That is not true for all parents. I do not want it to make it sound like we think that.
I can't speak to that experience at all. I hope some of this might resonate, but that is a challenge that this episode is not equipped to offer probably anything helpful. That is a that is a different life experience. I don't have that life experience. I'm not gonna I am not gonna try to condescend to parents who are living that life to tell them what I think they can do for their power exchange. If you are a parent in that life, maybe some of this will be helpful. God,
I hope so. But just know we know your experience is way different than the parenting we will talk about. We are not gonna spend the whole episode on parenting, but we're gonna touch on it. For anybody who absolutely hates the thought of parenting, I'm so sorry. That's why I try to add in adult caregiving. Just know our stance is there's no requirement to be a parent. If you want don't want to have children, don't. For anybody who is struggling, I am so sorry. I can understand why you might skip
this one. That's understandable too. Okay. So, the other thing we always say when we do talk about parenting, we don't think we are experts on parenting. Your mileage will always vary. We tend to talk, as we do on all things, but our own specific experiences. We know that doesn't work for everybody. Okay. And then, of course, talking about adult caregiving. So we let's just set the whatever here. Because I have all kinds of notes that I'm very I'm very proud of me.
I am taking this series as seriously as I am capable of taking anything. So just I think that's a lot. I have the ability. With adult caregiving, there is an adult living in your home, elderly, whether they are just older and just can't live by themselves anymore or and the thing that terrifies me and terrifies my own mother they have dementia, Alzheimer's, they are slowly not being the parent you remember. Right? That kind of situation.
And then there's also adult caregiving, which you have direct experience in of they live at home, but they need care, and that is for however long they need that care with the end result usually being they are no longer on this earthly plane, that kind of disruption to life. It's temporary. It doesn't live with you necessarily, but it's it's it's a thing you have to contend with. So that's where most of our experience with adult
caregiving comes from. Okay. So there's lots of different situations and some of us have will experience all of them and some of us will experience one or two. I think it even though there's differences between caregiving for an adult and caregiving for a child, there are very clear differences. There's a lot of crossover. So hopefully this will resonate regardless of where you are on the spectrum. Okay. So I wanna talk about how this caregiving for others, not your partner, affects
power exchange life Mhmm. But power exchange. So I made a list. And you're checking it twice? And we're gonna go through it. Sound good. And hopefully, as we go through this, we can offer up some things to consider, some things to try. Okay. Just some solidarity. Alright. You turn on the fan? Before we do that, I'm turning on the noise maker. Oh, good. Because I've already gotten myself all hot and bothered and worked up. So okay. So let's start with these are in no particular order because
they're all important at any given point. Mhmm. The no time for your power exchange, your fuckery. Oh. Oh. Time is not always on your side. It really is not. So the parenting thing that I often try to remind, especially newer parents, of is that in general, these children will grow up. They will become more independent. I am not gonna lie to you and tell you that parenting gets easier. It gets it stays hard. It's just different hard is all it is.
So in a typical parenting situation, the no time thing does ease up. Situation, the no time thing does ease up. So if you're dealing with a screaming, crying, not sleeping through the night, small, small human, just know there will be a time when you literally could not wake them up with a brass band playing in their bedroom. Pretty much. Yeah. And you'll be like, oh, that means they can't hear shit. I'm in my room Right. Doing my thing. So, that is a thing that
can shift and change. Right. And and, you know, when when we first got together, the boys were young enough, they were at that They were in that peak time for them where they could they slept like Like rocks. Yeah. They nothing woke them up. Nothing woke them up. They slept through the night, and they they didn't hear. One one once their eyes were closed and they were off in dreamland, they didn't hear anything.
And then the there came a point where the oldest was, not quite the grade schooler, not quite high school, so that that in between Mhmm. You know, and and he was around a lot more. And then high school hit. It's a whole different animal. And and that was a whole different animal too because at at that time, he was involved with a lot of things. He was involved with school at, and he was a very busy person. He was not
home very much. It was great when he could start driving because then we didn't have to be the chauffeur anymore. How many times did we sit in the circle parking circle at the high school in our pajamas waiting for a child at 10:00 at night? Oh, I was so grateful when I could drink. Ball game. Yeah. Right. So the the no time thing for parenting shifts and changes. We have our youngest is 15 grader high school. However, our youngest has mental and physical health stuff
and is homeschooled. Mhmm. And so the his brother had the hit a certain age, you know, wanted all the independence we would grant him. Mhmm. And then some. And then some. More than we would grant him. Yeah. And then the youngest is, actually, I would do anything I could to never leave this this house. Right. Yeah. And so we've I feel like from a parenting perspective, we're seeing both ends of some kind of spectrum of they're never home, which the nice thing is when they're not home,
they're off doing their own thing. You get that ideally, you get that time to yourself. It's an hour. It's a couple hours. Hopefully, there's no other children who are, like, meeting you. Right? You might be able to claw back some time. In this case, we have a kid who's always around, and this will come into the privacy issue. So we are not needed, but we are very aware there is a child in this house while we are trying to be kinky fuckers.
I yeah. You and and, you know, I think I mentioned this to you, you know, with him being home in a sense, it's almost like being a caregiver twenty four seven. When the health issues were at their peak, it absolutely was. It absolutely was. Like, we were not at a point at at that stage where we were even focused on our power exchange and certain nobody had time or energy for fuckery. So it just kinda pushed all that down even more. He's much more stable mostly.
We figured out a groove and a routine. Mhmm. We can we also we part we bought the house we live in for very specific reasons. One is the office in which we stream and record. Mhmm. But two is because the kids' bedrooms are on one side and we were on the other. When we were viewing this house, one of the things we did and I need you to remember, sound carries in an empty building, empty room. Right. One of us stood in what would be one of the
kids' bedrooms, closed the door. The other one went to what would be our bedroom, closed the door. And then started we started making noise. Noise. Loud noise. Yeah. When we realized, oh, shit. Well, I can't hear him. He can't hear me. We're like No. All things being equal, this is the fucking house. Because we had just had the, the experience of the children being across the hall from us and Oh, yeah. Thin walls. Again, we will get to the privacy issue.
Mhmm. But it tends to be the privacy issue and the time issues feel like they go hand in hand. Yeah. Now, the time thing, part of it as a parent is as they need you less and you can trust that they will not swallow a rock if you leave them alone or stick their finger in a socket or whatever whatever. You can pull back some of that timing and go to a private area and get 10, five minutes, 15 minutes. As they get older, ideally, you get more and more time.
Now let's talk about the adult caregiving because we had the experience of you having to to travel. Yes. The first time was your sister. Right. She was a few miles up the road. It was Mhmm. It was travel time because of traffic. Yeah. But it was not But it was in in in the same area. Same general area. Exactly. The second time was your mom, and that was a two hour drive one way. Correct. And you were the one who needed to be there Yeah. As the responsible
adult. Yeah. Great. So, yeah, I the way that had, or at least it was meant to work, I would be gone during the week, and then someone would take over for me on the weekend. And I come home, see my baby girl, and catch up with what what work Yeah. Came in during that week. And, you know, there again too, it it it's nice when things work out the way they're supposed to, but don't always count on it. Numerous times, I came home for the weekend, and within a few hours, I would get
a phone call. Right. I know. I can't handle this. What am I doing? I need you. And I had to turn around and go back. And that was not the adult needing care. It was the adult who was supposed to be providing care. Care. Yeah. Yeah. So that put a big strain on RDS at that time. Oh, yeah. I mean, even even more so than my sister because at least that with with her, you know, at the end of the day, I was home. Right. Right. You were sitting in
your own bed most times. At the end of every day, I was home with you. Right. And we got to a point where you and I actually were able to tag team because that was when you still worked your big boy office job. Right. And so you had a limited amount of time you could take off Mhmm. That you would get paid for. Yeah. And I so the there came a point I was like, I will drive you to medical appointments. I will take you to stores
if you need it. Mhmm. I you know, JB doesn't have the time financially at work to be able to do all of this. Mhmm. I I don't think I have to tell anybody who's caring for any human that if you can have help and access to help and resources, it does go easier than if you were doing it on your fucking own. Mhmm. I think we all know that. But it is one of those things where whether it's raising a child until you push them out of the fucking nest, and if they come home,
at least they're adults Mhmm. Or it's an adult who needs long term care. It it what was I gonna say? Goddamn. It's it it will take up a lot of time, but it tends to be a season in life. It is not usually a forever thing. Mhmm. And I think what we found both with parenting and taking care of your sister and then
your mom is you get into routines. You know, even if you're not trying to, even if you're a person who hates routines, most of the time you kinda fall naturally and knowing this is the pattern of what happens. And so, like, when you're taking care of your mom and you were gone all week and then you'd be home usually Friday evening or Saturday or whatever, that was a time when, no, fuckery and power exchange was kind of the furthest thing from our minds.
Yeah. Yep. I cannot speak for anybody else, and I'm not speaking for you, JV. But I will say there is some, hope is maybe too strong of a word, but there is some calm that I can feel when I can look at a situation and I go, no matter how this ends, whether it's triumphantly or painfully, this is not forever. Correct. It's not gonna be great when it ends. We're gonna have to, like, go through
that too. But this situation that is sucking up time and money and resources and is mentally, emotionally difficult does not last forever. If we can get through this, we can figure out what our new normal looks like and get back to some semblance of whatever we're trying to do. But, yeah, with your sister, you actually had more help, not as much as you should have. Well and then the end was a shit show. Mhmm. With your mom, you had less help. Yes. And less reliable help. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Now as the person who was not directly impacted and and had I missed my daddy, but I stayed home with the kids and, like, my that part of my life got to stay normal. As a submissive, I was like, I am taking care of things here both because that's what you do, but I I framed it in my little subby section of my mind as a service. Anything to make your when you got home your life a little bit easier. For me, that was how I could kinda hold on to some of the power exchange
part. It was I just had to reframe it. It was still a bad thing that was gonna end in grief and pain because it was. But in the middle of it, the surviving of it, the we had no time to see one another. We were separated for days at a time. Mhmm. All of that. I was like, yeah. But if I can kinda keep everything calm here and be one less thing for JB to worry about Yeah. Then I'm doing this I'm I'm I'm serving. With your sister, that was more of a just a teamwork. K? Right. What can I do to take
the burden off of you? How can I ease make this a little easier for you? Yeah. You know? And sometimes both the you know, there's two of you in the relationship and child or adult, you're both going through it and it's hard for both of you. Mhmm. But the the trying to help each other, even if it's not quite noticed in the moment or you it's not explicitly asked for, just trying to be a support for for one and then the other and switch off. I think I think it makes a
difference. I do. Yeah. But the time factor, that is why we talk about, I think, in last week's episode, small connections. Small, seemingly ordinary things that don't mean anything except to the two of you. Our bedtime ritual. Mhmm. The only time we don't do it is if he's not in this building. Right. And even then, we'll do it verbally over the phone. Correct. It's not quite the same, but it it has meaning. Right? Mhmm. Routines. Yeah. Having habits. This is what I do
as a dumb. This is what I do as a sub. That you can do. Right? Like, sometimes everything's so disruptive. You don't have the time to do it. You have to, like, put it to the side. But I know what my routine looks like on a typical day, whether I've got two children hanging on a leg, which thankfully the oldest was old too old for that by the time we started our power exchange. Right. Or I've got teenagers who are telling me that I make them do everything, and all I wanna make them do is take
a shower. You know? Mhmm. Like, those routines, you know, for me, that's what lets me feel my submissive self when I don't have any external, validation or experience. Or JB's gotta go off and do his thing, and I'm still here trying to keep everything going. I could still connect and tap into that even if we're not
directly doing it together. Mhmm. I mean, one of one of the big things for me, especially since I I had to stay down there for, you know, days at a time, was when we connected through FaceTime. Mhmm. You know? And and doing that, you know, us connecting and talking every every evening that way, it it helped me
carry the emotional load. Mhmm. Mhmm. And I think that when when the caregiving you're providing is very stressful and there's grief attached to it, I think whatever one or both of you can do for each other, even if when you're both truly going through it at the same time. Right? Maybe the adult is somebody you're both super close to. Maybe you each have an adult that you're caregiving for and you're both going through
it. Those, man, those small points of connection are the things that you can find to do for each other. And look, that is not a kink thing. That's not a power exchange thing. That is a human thing, a relationship thing. Doesn't matter the flavor, but if you can then do it with a kinky twist, you know, I think I think it can be those small moments that don't take a lot of time, that are happening while you're doing other things, that are part of a routine that you are able to maintain.
And that means you might have to strip down and simplify the power exchange in kinklife. It might have to go to bare bare minimum for you to, you know, to feel like you can be a little connected to the power exchange, but also get through your day. Right. I mean, those little things were so important. Mhmm. Alright. You know, between between all the stress and everything else that was going on at the time, you know, you you don't have a lot of, freedom to just, you know,
move about, so to speak. And, you know, do do the things the way you normally do them. So when, you know, those little things yeah, man. In in those instances, you you look for it and you hold on to it. Mhmm. And you have to be intentional about it. Yeah. And there will be times you can't be intentional. It's a bad day. It was a bad night. It's a whatever. You don't have the luxury of time to even really think about it. But when you get those quiet moments where you can think
about it Mhmm. And the thing is is the quiet moments for people who, like like, I'm a person who I need some quiet time to really, like, deep dive into my own brain to figure out what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling. Some of those situations don't allow for lots and lots of time. So I had to get good at allowing myself five minutes. Look, it might be when I finally got to sit down and
go to the bathroom and pee. And there was the two minutes I had in there on my own as a parent or anything else to try. But I also think you have to be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself and your partner in the relationship.
These, you know, raising little humans to be not shitty big humans and caring for adults who maybe have cared for you when you were little or you're seeing them in a vulnerable way that you would never normally have seen them, that carries that takes a shit ton of time
and it carries a huge emotional strain. And if you are also on top of it worried about somehow maintaining some very in-depth time consuming kink life, you are going to burn yourself out from both fucking ends because something will have to give. You know? Mhmm. Is there that some exceptional person who's like, no. No. No. I can handle. I can compartmentalize, and I can give this much attention to this and that much attention to that, and I can keep it balanced.
You, my friend, are the exception. You are not the rule. The rule is most of us have a limited capacity. Right. And parenting, caregiving, there are stages and times in life where that is your biggest focus. Yeah. And that means that your power exchange, no matter how much you care about it and how much meaning you derive from it and how much you feel connected to your truest self, it takes a back seat and that is normal.
And I the the things I've seen people put themselves through to try to maintain what they had at a time in life when they don't have the same amount of time for it, you're making your life harder than it needs to be. Now, you know, I I will say this. What what helped me too through that time was the fact that you were taking care of everything. When I came when I came home, the house was cared for. The house was taken care of. The, you know, there were
you had done grocery shopping. You did whatever, you know, laundry needed to be done. You took you took care of all that. And and for me, that was a big thing. Mhmm. You know? And and also too, you know, because we still had a business to run. Mhmm. And to pay the mortgage.
Yeah. Yeah. We did. So when when I came home, what I was very grateful for too, you know, you had things laid out for me for the work that I had to do for the weekend, and and you had it laid out for me so I could just, you know, pop up up up up right through. Mhmm. You know? So that that, that went a long way. Here's the thing that this ties into.
So in some situations, one of you is off having to do the caregiving, and the other one of you is left behind or not as involved and so you're looking at every other part of your life. Right? That's gotta be maintained. This is an example of sharing the mental load. I could take on the domestic and professional mental load because JB's mental load was unending stress and grief. Right? In parenting, this is one of many reasons
the first first marriage did not work. There's so many reasons, but this is one of them. There was no sharing of the mental load. You know? It was all on me to remember everything, to take care of everything.
Now we do have an episode about mental load in power exchange, but the more you can share in a relationship where you're trying to you're trying to have be fucking kinky and power exchange y, but also this thing is happening in your life, the more you can share the mental load, none of it's easy, but the air quote, that's the easier it is. Because then you're not alone. Right? Like, in my mind, JB was doing the hardest part.
He was making these drives, and then he was going into sometimes idiotically stupid stressful moments that didn't even need to be stressful. And there was not a fucking thing I could do to help. But what I could do is make sure his life was a little easier at home. Right? In parenting, there were a lot of times I'm what's called the default parent. My children to this day are coming to me first. Like, one's a fucking adult. I'm getting the first text, the first one. And I don't
mind. I'd I'm glad I have that relationship with them. But what that meant was when they were younger, everything was mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. And so if I of by the way, some of y'all have heard it before. My text, my ringer for my children is Stewie saying mom, mom, mommy, might. Because, yeah, that's familiar. Mama. So JB was always very good at going, oh, this is a, a high touch parenting moment. BG don't have time for nothing. I can go clean this thing. I can take care
of this thing. I can offer to help with the parenting thing, you know, so that that that mental load was shared. Because when you already don't have time to connect in your power exchange and also you're carrying the mental load of caring for this or keeping something going or whatever whatever, if it's not the burden is not shared, you have less time. And also, you are one of the things we're about to get to, it's actually the next thing. Let's segue into it. Stress.
The stress of it all. The stress of it all. Shared mental load reduces that a little bit, but Mhmm. Sometimes it's just gonna be stressful till it's not. Right. It really is. Pretty much. I mean, you know, the times in parenting that were stressful that were sometimes I had to be reminded, sometimes I already knew, that were developmentally appropriate. This is what they're kinda supposed to do at this age, and you you got to respond the way that you feel. You got to respond, blah, blah, blah.
That is a that is a stress. But then there is the stress. I'll speak from a parenting perspective because you you felt it, but you also felt the adult caregiving stress on a different level. Yeah. When the youngest was mentally, physically the sickest he's ever been. Mhmm. Actually, I had conversations with his therapist where I kind of said and then she validated, I was traumatized by that. Now, he was traumatized by that. I'm not gonna take that
away. But the level of stress for that, that is a different level of stress where Yeah. Sometimes the answer would be, god, can I just feel my baby girl self? Can I feel very submissive and taken care of? And sometimes that was not the answer. That was not what we needed. Power exchange did not provide the relief sometimes because the stress was just too big. The fear was just too
great. The feeling out of control and like, you don't know what's gonna happen and you don't control any of it and you just gotta fucking roll with it. While also being a very anxious human being, like, there were times. JB could not daddy me out. No. Now from the stress perspective Mhmm. Adult caregiving, what what was that like with power exchange? I was like, how does that all from your perspective? You know, I wish I could say it's it's cut and dry and it's, you
know, this is gonna happen. That's what it's gonna be like. And it's not. Mhmm. Because, you know, caregiving for my sister, caregiving for my mom, two very different, very, very different experiences. Polar opposites almost, really, if you think about it. What did that do for the stress level? From my side, what I wanted to do was to make sure that you didn't it goes back to the mental load. I wanted to make other parts of your life as stress free as possible Yeah. So that you
could function in the stress. Mhmm. The first time you ever said to me, I cannot be the decision maker right now. I cannot dom right now. Do not ask me anything. Was at it was in the middle of taking care of your It had been a bad day. There was a lot of family angst. That was unnecessary. Right. But it was there. It was there. And I asked what you wanted to drink with your dinner, and he went, nope. I cannot make a decision. I could not even decide on what I wanted to drink at
that point. No. Yeah. No. And we got better over time in stressful situations in general, not specific to this. Have we done the episode on stress? I'm sure we have. Silent will tell me in the live chat. We've gotten better at having kind of a code where Mhmm. And sometimes just outright saying it, but we're better at saying this is too much for me to also be in this role. This is too much for me to to also be a decision maker. This is too much for me to get up and and Yeah. Serve. Like, I
I just I need to be alone. I need to not be touched. I need to sit in a dark room. I I need something. But to continue doing the things that are part of my submissive role, I can't I don't have it in me. It is not easy to admit that from either side of the slash, y'all. It's a vulnerability thing. I know from my perspective, and I think probably yours, if I'm have read it correctly, it feels like you're letting the other one down. Right? Like I said, I was gonna be this
person to you. This is our relationship. And I'm over here telling you that I don't I'm at my capacity. The stress is too great. There's too much. It's too much today or in general, you know? There were times with your sister and your mom where some days were easier than others. Right. And so the stress levels there was stress that's always there, you know. If you're caregiving for an adult who is ill, the stress is always there.
But the day you know, once you got used to the spikes, it made the days where there's no stress spike feel easier. Yeah. I could ask you to make a decision. That is also I think where we got really good at because you trusted me. I could pick your options and so then you weren't making a decision from out of nothing. From scratch. I was just bringing you, hey, all of these options will work. Which one do you want? Which one do you want? And when you could make decisions that,
you know Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah. So for us to maybe have it be relatable to anybody else out there, we looked at, you know, we got better at communicating. We had to get real good with being real vulnerable. There, you know, I don't know if anybody else feels this way, but to me, the vulnerability of telling you that I can't do the thing I said I would do, I can't be who I said I would be temporarily or for a long time, versus the vulnerable is is harder to me
than the vulnerability of going, hey. Can you hit me with that thing until I cry and pretend you don't like me? Like, that's it's all vulnerability. Got that episode too. But that because it feels like you're letting the other person down when you have to be that vulnerable. Go, I can't do this the way that we've been doing this. But I think that's the most fucking honest conversation you can have. Right. Because it allows you, like, as a parent now I'm I'm very
grateful. I did not have to try to be power exchange with infants. With the youngest was as close to colicky. They wouldn't diagnose, but that was colic. The my first marriage did not even survive being a parent to two. Like, I don't know what power exchange would happen. It means the the no child power exchange and the child having a child power exchange are completely different animals.
And you gotta, you know, have realistic expectations that, hey, the thing we thought would work because, oh, aren't babies easy? Not for most of us. You know, we're we can't do. There's there's too much. It's it's too much. You know? But you gotta be willing to have those conversations. True. And I think, to me, the real letdown of your partner is not in not being able to do what you said you would do within your role in your power exchange. It's not having the conversation.
Yeah. Because two things are happening there. You are drowning and they are having expectations of you that you can't meet. Hold up to him. Hold up. Right. And so now there's the, what the hell's going on with our relationship? You said you would do a thing and now now you just added stress on top of stress. You know? The reason there are so many reasons we say kink is customizable.
Yeah. So many. I'm I'm I'm sure I heard that somewhere and picked it up and just fucking loved it and now now I'm saying it all the time. It's because it's also customizable at every stage of your life. If you try to hold on to the power exchange you had when you were not caring for an elderly family member, when you were not raising an infant, if you try to hold on to that pre this moment, this caregiving moment, power exchange, you are setting yourself up for failure.
You just because it's gotta shift and change. Even if that shift and change isn't that much, there's gonna be a shift and change. Mhmm. So you get to customize your power exchange through every stage of your life. Yeah. And you kinda have to. And you kinda have to. And you have to. You have to. Because you don't, you know, we we've talked about this so many times. You know, it DS or anything in life is not one
and done. You don't say, okay, this is how we're gonna live our life and and then you know la dee dee dee now. We never think about it again. Yeah. Yeah. About it again. You know, no. It it it changes and you have to change and flow with it. You you cannot cannot remain rigid Mhmm. And say, this is, you know, this is it. No. You cannot do that. I'm not saying change the change will be shift will be easy. For some people,
that's that's really hard. Okay? To to just chain to have to change a routine or change a way of thinking. For others, it's easier. Great. The thing is, is when you are at a high stress point in life, small children, teenage children who were driving, that was a stress I was not prepared for. Family members. Right? Whatever. If you cannot shift your power exchange to be what you need in the moment, you have just it's stress compounding on top of
stress. You're just layering it. Well, why are you gonna do that to yourself? You know, I'm I'm I'm gonna try and and and relate this, and maybe you can help me along the way if I get, you know, start stumbling. One of the best things I ever heard was a thing where they're talking about, you know, people would say, you know, oh, I'm giving a % in relationship, and you gotta give a % and all that. And and that is so not true.
Okay? Because on any given day, you know, hell, maybe today I'm running at a %. Mhmm. Tomorrow, I, you know, would be at 75. Right. You know? And we in in any relationship, you need to be able to work back and forth with each other. You know, when when one is feeling down, you you you help you throw in that extra percent to help that one. When you, you know, and and it it's back and
forth. I I agree completely. The analogy I like is not that you give a hundred, I give a hundred, is that together we give a hundred. Yes. I like that one a lot because what it means is if you're having a real rough day and all you got is 20, if you can talk about it with your partner, they might not have the full 80. But maybe they're in a better place and they can give 60 or they were only given 50 before. Right? The other thing I like
and I think it gets forgotten. It's it it's because even the % and the fifty fifty Mhmm. Can be ableist. So the thing I I like that I've heard from a lot of creators, over the years is that if the best you have is 20%, that's them. That's all you gave everything you had. Guess what? You gave a %. Yeah. You did the best you could. Mhmm. Now for those of us who think like my brain does and I keep being told it's a neurodivergent thing, so you can tell me.
For us literal thinkers, your best is apparently not the best you were ever capable of doing ever. Giving your best is what you have to give without burning yourself out in a given moment. I didn't know that. I was raised you give a 10 and I was like, I, living on fumes, but I will dig deep and find what I think is a 10%.
No. Also though, in that giving and that whether it's hundred and hundred, 50 50, however you wanna label it, Sometimes, let's be real, especially caregiving, especially caring for other human beings who have their own feelings and needs and right? Some days, you don't have anything to fucking give. And guess what? Neither does your partner. And and now this segues into exhaustion. Yeah. That's the third one of those. We did no time stress. Now we're at exhaustion.
I don't have like here's three easy tricks. Right? Like, What I have found is when we if we can keep our sense of humor from the stress to the exhaustion and admit to one another, oh my god, I don't have anything in the tank. And Jamie goes, fuck me neither. And so then, we're openly talking about how we are lumps on this couch right now. And, yes, there's all these things around our home that need to be done. Yes. There's our whole power exchange routine that we barely
have energy for. You know? Yes. We made sure the small human survived the day and went to bed. Check that off the fucking list. That's what we got done. We don't have anything left us. You know what? You we did a damn good job. We kept small humans alive today. Mhmm. Is the house filthy? Sure. Sure. Is there work still to be left? Sure. Sure. You know, and and We are open and talk about it and go, god, I'm fucking tired. And then it's not this dirty little secret.
Right. And and also what what comes of that, because we fell into that trap too, at least I know I did. You know, you you don't tell your partner that you're exhausted or you know, and you you like you know I gotta do what I gotta do. Mhmm. Kind of thing you know, and and you try to push through, it it it's not a it's not a good thing. It can build resentment. Mhmm. You know, it can make the exhaustion feel worse. Mhmm. You know? It makes everything feel worse.
It makes everything feel worse. And then then comes the point where, you know, then start getting snippy with one another. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And and and just by that that that little bit of thing saying, excuse me folks. Somebody had a bubble. Yeah. You know just by by sitting there and saying, you know, I I just don't have it today. I I don't have it in me. Okay. That kiboshes so much. And it keeps the lines of communication open. Yes. Now I'm I'm gonna be real with
you. There are days I got the energy and JB doesn't. And JB's tired and he goes, I don't have it in me. Do I feel disappointed? Am I you know, my my baby girl feel are they a little sad? Sure. That is a human natural response. It's fine. What I don't do is take my bad feelings out on him. He clearly communicated where he was at. I can say if it feels appropriate at the time, maybe I save it for later. Aw, that kinda sucks. That makes me sad.
Not in the way to pressure them and guilt them, but just to kinda like have the conversation. And then you know what? The earth keeps fucking spinning and we keep moving on because that might be today. Tomorrow might be different. Right? Or maybe you know, like, in a parenting situation, maybe you can see a a point in the future where where somebody, not you,
is caring for these fucking children. And you, whether it's in your own house or somewhere else, get to pretend you're child free for, like, half a second. And you know that you have that coming. Well, I can be disappointed now, but I know I got this thing coming. Or, you know, we've created enough of a routine or when we are not both exhausted or either one of us is not exhausted, we'll have this thing that we'll do behind closed
doors. Exhaustion and stress goes back to that small points of connection. Yeah. The those become very, very, very important. Let me say again because I say it all the fucking time. Our bedtime routine is it. Now, am I making coffee for this man every fucking day because it's part of my service? Sure. Am I making sure he's got his probiotic as part of my service? Yep. Yeah. Do I make the bed? Do I unmake the bed? Yeah. Yeah. I got
my service stuff, like, doled out. Do I always speak to him with respect because that's the one constant rule? Abs fucking lily. Do I still bring him decisions to make it? But on days where he's like, I don't want a coffee or I can't make decisions today or whatever, that bedtime routine, there has been one, maybe two nights where we were both physically in the room and did not really do it. And it was some of our biggest fucking fights. Yeah. We don't fight often. We don't.
Stress and exhaustion, that's when the biggest arguments come through. And thankfully, we work through them. We Yeah. You know, we make our apologies to one another. Mhmm. We talk about what actually happened. We, you know, try to figure out how we can do better next time. But, yeah. In general, that one time of day and, like, our one time of day I'm not saying have a bedtime routine. Our one time of day that's guaranteed because we go to bed at the same time. Mhmm.
Bedtime. Yep. Your one time a day might be the five minutes before that first child starts crying and and needs your attention. It might be while your adult that you're caregiving for is taking a nap or is, you know Yeah. With another adult that you can trust, and you don't even have to think about them for the like, you're one point in the day. You've got to find it. You might have to get creative, but find that point where you can connect
in your powertrain. That's just like, you know, with with with our youngest, even though, you know, he's home all the time. You know, when we go to bed, he, at that point, you know, we're old. We we go to bed fairly early, not that late. And he's entrenched in his video games. He don't hear shit from them. He's got his headphones on. He's he's chatting Doors closed. Doors closed. He's chatting with his friends while they're doing their, you know, quests and different things. And yeah,
he don't hear shit. And we have learned to take advantage of that. Right. Did it take us a hot minute to get to that point? Of course, it did. But it it was like when when it hit, it was like, oof, light bulb. Yes. Mhmm. Yes. Little to no privacy. Now this is different for everybody. We have had as parents, we've been fortunate as adult caregivers. Mhmm. Our adults never lived in our home. No. So that is not a thing that we have faced, but we have we've had children all
this time. So, the first place we live, they were technically kind of on the opposite end of, like, a hallway from us. Mhmm. But the walls were thin, but they were young. And that wasn't an age where they could go, what was that sound, mommy? And I could be like, oh, we were just clapping because we were so happy. I could distract them and they it would be fun. I also as quickly as I could, it was difficult. I split from their dad, divorced their dad. It was just us. He was never around
again. Thank you very much. That's how that went. So I never got those weekends off as a single mom. No. It did not happen. So in the beginning of the split, they would creep into my bed more often than after we'd been I'll just the three of us long enough, I kinda was able to get them to slowly stop sleeping in my bed. Because I'm the type of parent that I I have a kid in my bed if they're got a nightmare,
they don't feel good, something something. But in general, I'm a parent that wants my child to have their own bed. And that and they, did well with that. I never that was never an issue. Yeah. You will have a different setup and you will find your own way. But what that meant was when I moved in with JB, we very rarely had to worry that a small child would be creeping in in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning. They just kinda didn't do that. I think it helped
that the boys shared a room. There was four year age there's four year age gap, but for a lot of years, they shared a room. So if one of them woke up, they usually just went and poked their brother. Like Mhmm. Yeah. And now, these children would twist themselves in the knots to do anything to not have to come talk to me in the middle of night about any fucking thing. I'm not mad about it, y'all. I'm
not mad about it. I think as long as it's not an emergency, let's have a conversation when I'm caffeinated and I have clothes on. That's a good time. Not at three in the morning. Now they do know if they need something on there. Yeah. But, you know, so that was a a way that we did get our privacy. So we had Mhmm. The townhome where the walls were thin, but the kids are hard sleepers. Yeah. And they didn't wander into my
room for any reason. Mhmm. Then we had we had the condo where the bedrooms were a little bit closer, but the walls are nice and insulated and thick. The sound did not quite carry. Mm-mm. And they were still good sleepers, so we were good. Right. Then we rented the house where they were right across, like, here's our door. There's the width of the hallway, and then there's their door. And the walls were super thin. Yeah. There
was no privacy at that point. Yeah. The walls were thin, and I don't think there was any insulation in those walls at all. Oh, my god. No. The house had been purchased from somebody who I think tried to flip it. Yeah. And then they couldn't, so they rented it. And it was it looked pretty if you didn't look too close, if you didn't squint your you know, you weren't I didn't see that crack over
there. One of those kinds of homes, which is why we did that very, very complex noise testing when we came to buy this house. So the year Excuse me. I get ish that we spent in the house where they could hear everything and they were way too fucking close. We were miserable Yeah. For that year because we did not get true fuckery No. At all. Like, if we were doing anything, it was real subtle stuff, and it was like when we were in the car,
just the two of us. We tried to when the kids were both at school, that would be, like, the time. Mhmm. But the nighttime stuff, the first thing in the morning stuff. Yeah. I know. Nope. Because the and the problem with middle of the day, that sounds like the easy thing. Hey. You've got an hour. You've got six hours. They're gone. Yeah. But we both gotta work and we gotta earn a living and we we gotta, like, be adults. So we were really bad at finding
small moments of time. Like, we're begging y'all to do. Like, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. If you're lucky enough to get an hour, take the fucking hour. Mhmm. You know? And I get Yeah. Not everybody feels this way. I know. But I know how I am. I can be I always say it's my baby girl side.
If I can't have the whole hour, the three hour scene, the big huge production, and that's what I'm focused on and thinking about and and I'm thinking about how I'm not getting it, it makes the little five or ten minute moment pale in comparison. And there have been times in my life where I was like, well, if I can't get the whole thing, I don't even want the little taste of it. I was spiting my fucking self. My I understand the urge. I beg you to not let yourself go down
that as much as possible. Take the ten minutes you can get. Yeah. No. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing. Nothing. We have gone literal years with nothing, and that
sucked. If we were not so good at communicating and best fucking friends and our power exchange wasn't so subtly, like, just intricately worked through fucking everything, I don't know what would have happened to us with the amount of time we went with almost nothing physical, because we kept waiting for a three hour spot to open up. Right? For what? From 2020 COVID times to 2024, what we had consistently was a small point
of connection. It was ten minutes. Mhmm. Which the times that we argued so badly that we refused to do our bedtime routine, that hurt my feelings so bad. That made those devastating. Like, that really would point out just how bad this argument was. It wasn't even right for me. No. No. Nobody slept well at night. No. Here's here's one. And this is a thing you cannot get away from, get around, because it's gonna happen at times.
Putting the needs of your children or the adults you're taking care of above your own. Sometimes there's kinda no fucking choice. You know? Somebody's sick. Somebody needs extra care. Somebody, you know, needs extra time. I have, to this day, have absolutely stopped what is going on in whatever I'm doing minus going to the bathroom. I will always go pee first. I've learned I've learned on that.
To talk to a despondent 19 year old on the phone who thinks everybody hates him and what he really needed was a meal and a nap. But, like, he he calls, and I I know I know when I get that call that he's calling because something's on his mind. What are you doing, mom? Nothing. What's your knee, babe? The youngest, just yesterday, was going through it, and I have learned with the help of a therapist what some of this stuff means and, you know, to be,
paying attention. Cognizant of it. Right? Be focused on it. Everything stopped. Right? Everything stopped because let let's what can I do? How can I ease this for you? Can I fix it? Oftentimes not. When they're sick, when they're this, when they're yes. Yes. Anybody with an infant knows. Yeah. You haven't slept, showered, or eaten a full meal because that baby is not going to sleep and, you know, is screaming itself. Right?
There is a line that you have to find for yourself of when it's time somebody needs to help you so that you can take care of your own needs. Sometimes it's safer than you realize to let them wait so so you have that time for yourself. That is a unique situation for every person and every situation that you are in. Like, the things I could leave the kids alone to, like, sort that out. I I'll be back in thirty minutes. You're you're fine. You just don't know you're fine.
Is different, you know, those things at that moment in time, yes. And then another life thing in life, no. That was not an option. But it is very easy. Typically, if you were the default caregiver, the parent or the one taking care of an adult, to not to try not to or to feel guilty when you do think about your own needs. And sometimes you don't have a choice, and sometimes you just don't know that you can ask for help. You're not confident that you can
ask for help. You're rejecting help because you've now got it in your head that nobody's gonna do it the way I can do it, and so I can't let anybody else do it. I can't tell you if that's the right decision. I don't know your life. I don't know what you're going through, but more times than not, you really can accept the help. It's just fear. That will affect everything in your life. You already know this. It will absolutely impact your power exchange. Absolutely.
JB was doing the thing that terrifies me and driving on almost no sleep, two hours, one way to go take care of his mom. Then getting there and not sleeping because it was a stressful situation. There was no good bed to sleep in. His mom needed him at all hours. Right? And then he was with no sleep driving back. He was everybody his mom's needs, his sister's needs, all came before his own and he that's how he functioned through it.
What that meant was when he got home to me, I was like, we're gonna take care of you because you've you've got to have that. Right? Like, whatever it is you need, let's do that. That is normal. But if you're not openly communicating with your partner about it, you're not being honest with each other Oh, it's gonna be a tough one. It's gonna fuck everything up, y'all. And I think
we know this. I think we somehow we y'all, I don't know if you think this, but I'm sure I've had this thought that power exchange is somehow so different to any other relationship that it can both withstand things that most other relationships can't. That's not true. True. But also is it weirdly too fragile to let real world stuff interfere with it? Neither is true. How do we hold both thoughts in our head at the same time? I don't know. I'm weird like that. Maybe you don't.
But all of it all of it is I you gotta you gotta say the thing, you know. I have not slept in three days. I have not bathed in five. I want to spend time with you, dear submissive, but I'm taking a shower and a nap first. Right? The one I have tend to have to do to JB is I love you. I want to get naked with you and roll around in the bed. But if one more person talks to me, touches me, or needs me, I'm a lose my shit.
So I am always your submissive. But right now, your submissive is taking a five minute break. I'm a go sit in a dark room by my fucking self. And, yeah, I I had to learn that I had those needs. I did not Mhmm. I did not understand why I gravitated to my typically bedroom, lights out, fan on high, right underneath the AC vent, every time I got really stressed out or, like, really overwhelmed. It's because it was too much. I was overstimulated.
And being in a still, quiet room completely the fuck alone, it's very calming for me. Once I realize that, I I now make Yeah. Like, I need that. I need five minutes of that so I can do three more hours of the stressful Right? Alright. When I see you go in in the room and close the door behind you, I'm Mhmm. I know. And the thing is, I take advantage of that now Mhmm. Every chance I get when I need it because I know from experience, there are gonna be times I don't have that luxury
and it is a luxury. It is me taking care of my own needs but when you take care of other humans as part of like your day to day, it's a fucking luxury to have that kind of time. I have that time now from from a parenting perspective because they are older and they don't need me as much. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I'm not, like, actively parenting in the same way anymore. Like, my mind doesn't even comprehend it anymore. I'll be very lost for a hot minute.
But that's the other thing. Some people I can I can hear you? I don't have time to do that. Not every day. You certainly don't. But whatever it is that you know that you need, that there will be times you can do, take that time. Communicate with your partner. I can't do this right now. I need this. If you are the partner watching your, you know, whether submissive or dominant, ground grind themselves down on the ground because they are caring for everybody else. Right?
It is your fucking job to stop them at some point and go, hey, this is what I'm saying. Here's what I think I can do to help. That's taking some of the mental load. When you ask for the list, you've just given a mental load. I'm just saying if you see it go, I would like to do these things. What JB has learned to do is go, will it stress you out more if I just take care of this? And sometimes I go, yes, it will. And sometimes I go, no. You go right the
fuck ahead. But he has gotten really good at coming up to me and going, what do you need right now? Yeah. I've gotten better at going, I need quiet. I need a cool room. I need to be left alone because that's what that is what I need. Whatever you need, spend some time, however long it takes, however many fucking years it takes, figuring out what it is, and then fucking talk to your partner. Yeah. Because all of this is hard.
Mhmm. Now the the other thing I will say, this has been a very long episode, and I still have a couple more things, and I know I get ranty. So I don't know. I don't know. One thing I will say for these times of caregiving, the episode we did last week, DS, that nobody will notice. If any of those kinds of things resonate for you in Power Exchange, highly recommend because you are like, for us, my rules and routines, the tasks that I follow, I have built those into the life I have as
a mother. Like, I know when I can do this because no child will need me. I know that sometimes my child will need me in a way they haven't in forever, and I can just then go to JB and go, I either need need some time or I need to not do this thing today, but it's it's baked in. So I can fit the things I do as a submissive around the life I have. The things that we do that have meaning, as we talked about in that episode, are things that that we're already doing and don't
look like anything. Right? Getting in the car and handing him his sunglasses. He was gonna put his sunglasses on anyway. Me doing it doesn't take any extra time. We're sitting there. Nobody's gonna ask a question. Sometimes the only time for a while we got alone was when we were in the fucking car together. Mhmm. You know, so You take a lot of drives at that time. We did. We did. So that is the thing I can also say during this time of caregiving Yeah. For an adult. Find if again, if it resonates
Mhmm. Find things that are not actively, like, fuckery Yeah. That can't be behind closed doors, I mean. Mhmm. And that don't have that nobody's gonna clock. But that means something to you so that you have something. Can we talked about this many times this year as we are, like, reconnecting in our power exchange. Mhmm. But the thing that got us through those, what, four years of just hell Yeah. Was
the way we do our power exchange. If JB is always the decider and I keep doing the things that I agreed to do because they still work for me to do. It's not like I don't mind doing them. Yes. The the power exchange is not where we want it to be once we get through that time in life. It's not our idealized version where we are really satisfied with it. No. But But at least there's something there that it's not totally just thrown out. Yep. There's something there to build off of. Right.
Also, because I'm like this. Quality over quantity, y'all. Some folks, regardless of whether you're a parent, you got a kid, whatever. Mhmm. Your life is so fucking busy and stressful in general that having a whole bunch of rules or a whole bunch of tasks or that's too fucking much. You don't have to do all of the things. Do what your life and your mental and emotional health allow and physical health, true, to allow you to do. That might be one thing every fucking day. It might
be two things. It might be this stage of life, it's only one thing you can do, but in six months, new stage of life, you can add more. But if we get really, like, focused fuck that shit. It is. I say this as a greedy fucking baby girl who why would I want one when I was gifted with two hands and they're not small? I can I can have more? It will fit in my hands. Give me more. I am that kind person. Why do I want the small slice of cheesecake if the standard size is really big.
That that's the kind of person I am. So I I get how people can think that way. But life has taught me that what that means is more often than not, I'm going without because I won't accept smaller, not lesser, not lesser. We're not accepting less respect, less communication, less care. Right? We know and that's we're not accepting less. Just smaller amounts. Smaller, not less. Right? Mhmm. And if you can find what works for you and your partner, he can get you through
the next Right. Season. Mhmm. Okay. The last thing I wanna leave everybody with Mhmm. We started at the beginning. And sometimes it's a triumphant thing and sometimes it's a sad, sad thing. Whatever caregiving you're doing, it is probably not forever. Yeah. In most situations, most common situations, it is not forever. These children will grow up. Mhmm. The adult caregiving often has a clear expiration date. I hate to say it. I don't wanna sound callous. It's it's
heartbreaking. It's heartbreaking. Mhmm. But however long this this lasts, it's it's not a forever. It's not. No. So now that I've brought the whole fucking room down sorry, y'all. Look. A lot of this people are gonna go, that's common sense. That's what you should do in the rest of your life. Yes. But sometimes we somehow think power exchange life is completely separate and distinct from the rest of our life. And in certain
cases, it can be. Like if you are very much a my power exchange only happens under these specific parameters, it can feel like it's separate. But you're out The rest of your life will will interfere. I don't care if you only do power exchange in this one specific situation, in this one room, at this one time, on this one day. All the things going on in your life will impact that. So, real world power exchange, this is one of the things we've talked about this before, but people were like, oh,
real world? Yeah. Please talk to me about parenting. I will link to you on all the ways we have talked about parenting, but this is true of just taking care of another human. Yeah. Yep. So anything you would like to add? I think we, covered it. I made my throat hurt. I made myself sweaty. I probably turned my face redder than usual from a blood pressure spike. No. Oh, good. The makeup is working. Yeah. So all that being said, yes, we can be done with this topic and go
into a bonus section. Alright. So, are we good? Sure. Keep it kinky, y'all. See you next time. You asked if we were good. I know. Yeah. And I then forgot what that means. I was, like, just answering the question. Yeah. We're good. I'm good. Nothing more to say. I'm good. Can we talk to the crickets, please? Yes. Oh my God. The comments in the live chat have been great. I saw it's already gone flying past, but I want to acknowledge it.
Rah Rah from Pink Kink pointed out that Sunny Megatron is the one who said kink is customizable, like, first. First time you mentioned that. And I'm trying to like, I have no doubt that I because I follow Sunny in a couple places. I probably saw it, didn't clock it, but it, like, stuck in my subconscious. But I don't have a clear memory of going, oh, yeah. I heard Sunny say that. I saw that in a post. I don't doubt it. I don't doubt it. I'm sure that's where I got it. What are you
looking for? Pounders? In the box labeled pounders? Really? Geez. Never would have known. So what JB is doing right now is, somebody asked to see what yellow heart looks like. So for YouTube folks, he's gonna show that off. For podcast listeners, thekinkery.com, you will be able to see it. I think the pictures I took and the way I edited them, it's true to actual color. But JB's gonna put it in front of the camera. But also I my whole thing, I got
distracted. I wanna give the shout out and the credit to Sunny Megatron for being the one who says that I'm gonna go back to that episode and, like, add that credit in. Because I knew I knew it came to me somehow, but go ahead. Alright. And JB is putting the yellow heart pounder in front of the camera. For podcast listeners, this yellow is like a true fucking yellow. Mhmm. Like, there's, like, some shades of very pale brown maybe, but it just looks
super fucking yellow. Yeah. And and the the dark spots in the wood, they almost look like feathers. They're so You called it feathery? Yeah. I I called it feathery. That that's the best way I can describe it. It's very subtle and swirly. Yeah. And feathery. You're right. And soft. That's why it reminds me of the image. It's beautiful. But, yeah, the color of the wood yeah. Yellow for sure. Yeah. The one you picked out has a stronger feathering pattern
on one side. The one I took the picture of, because I wanted to show off the most yellow Mhmm. Is the one that just shows the most yellow and less of the feathering. Yeah. So, yeah. Yellow heart. So for anybody who's knows anything about wood and or has purposely purchased from the Kinkery in the past, kinkery.com. Yellow heart is to the color yellow that purple heart is to the color purple. Purple
heart is fucking purple. Now every once in a while you'll find a cut where there's a very strong red undertone and you're like, is that a true purple? But sometimes it's a true fucking purple. That's a true yellow. So yeah. That's and the other thing I wanna say about these fucking pounders is three of the woods, and I think it is the three of the woods, two of them we have two paddles of, are fucking heavy.
If you are a thud person, the wenge, which is so dark brown, it's almost black, the bloodwood Uh-huh. And we only have one of them, but the rosewood. Yep. They are either almost 10 ounces or over 10 ounces. Mhmm. That's heavy for a paddle that size. For podcast listeners, the paddle is 12 inches long, but the paddle area is only two inches wide. It's three quarters of an inch thick. It's the thickest pounders you've made in a hot ass minute. I would be afraid to have one of
these heavy fuckers come at me. That's because there's gonna be that sharp smack of solid, you know, flat surface hitting skin, but the weight behind it, that'll knock somebody's breath out. I promise you. I promise you. So yellow heart and we have one called Edamoe. Edamoe, am I saying that right? I believe so. Yeah. They're the two lightest woods, but light is, I can't think of the word. Fuck. There's a word. I can't think of the word. Anyway, when I say light, I just mean they're lighter
than these heavier woods. The, yellow heart and the edemoe. Edemoe to me is not the prettiest wood, but that's a personal preference. I know people who have loved when you've had edemoe before. They are in that sa that weight that we classify as the in between where you will get a sting, but you will get some thud. But the the wenge, the bloodwood, and the rosewood Mhmm. Would cut. Oh, yeah. That's some dang. And if you're like, I will not remember which woods if I go to the kinkery Com.
Any paddle listing, any actually, product listing. Paddle listing, pick the wood down from the drop down, scroll down to the bottom of the page. There's a tab that says additional information. I put the weight in every fucking time. So Yeah. So, yeah, that's, that's the canary Com. I think I'm gonna send out an email today because I'm I want people to see the pounders. I want the people to see the pounders. But you're also working on other restocks, which I'm excited about. Mean evil restocks.
Oh, god. We got on the side. We have stayed on and then got on again the side of the fucking Instagram algorithm of, why would anybody do this? Are y'all all just sick? I fucking hate you but I'm not commenting because I don't have the time or energy for your fucking bullshit. Mhmm. I would rather people just fucking block us if you don't wanna see the kink shit. But also, if you would stop commenting on the kink shit, guess what would not show on your fucking feed. Yeah. You would go away.
But my favorite, once I figured out the reference, it took me I had to Google. Are the people who go brick by fucking brick, which is they have built their algorithm, their feed, brick by brick to see what they want. I had to Google it y'all. I didn't know what that meant. Wow. I I didn't know if I was supposed to be annoyed or pleased. Right. And so I saw several over the past several months, I've seen several comments. And I was like, what the fuck does
that mean? I was like, oh, okay. So then, again, most one of our most recent pieces of content, wrong side of the algorithm, but just right enough to see some brick by fucking brick y'all. Hell yeah. And then we sold out of what was in that video. God damn it. Oh god. Oh god. Yeah. So yeah. Mhmm. I, I'm always happy when you bring a product because it makes my promotional stuff much easier.
I know because I know from experience and I've, you know, tried to learn about this stuff that you never just market a product one time and be done. You gotta show it off in different ways several times because people need you know, not everybody's gonna see everything and people need to see things multiple times before they'll, like, do anything about it unless it's something that they're, like, actively looking for.
But I get really, like, ugh. I just showed off this fucking paddle four days ago. I don't even have anything creative to say. I just wanna, like, put one of the paddles in front of my fucking phone because I use my phone to take pictures and go, here it is. This is a paddle. Fucking buy it. Like, that's oh, god. I you know, apparently, you can't just do that. Oh my god. Salads, saying in the live chat, there's no episode on routines, but I would've
been convinced there was. Let me Uh-oh. I got my my Google Drive up. You will either be surprised or not be surprised. That what am I trying to say? Every single episode that we've ever recorded, I have the script and the notes for every single one. So in my Google Drive, I just type in a keyword. I'm like, did we do this? Episode two fifty four, ruts, routine, and the mundane. I think I don't know that we talked about them as how to set up a routine.
I'd have to teach myself how to talk about how to set up a routine in a way that might resonate with more than just me. But we do have episode two fifty four where we at least talked about them on some level. So I made myself hot and sweaty. My makeup is melting off. We're not done recording for the day. I know. No. I know you knew that. I was pointing out. I've I have I'm melting myself actively, and we still have more to go. I didn't hold anything back.
So that next recording for patrons, over on Patreon, this is gonna be interesting. Well, at least it's not video. It's just True. But if I have no voice, and I can't think of words, I'm sorry if you are a member of our Patreon. I'm so, so sorry. Maybe then we should go. Oh, but I'm enjoying myself. Get get you cooled down a little bit, and then we'll finish. Let me go sit in a dark Yeah. Room by myself. Myself? Mhmm. Under the fan in the Oh, and read my book. Oh, the book I'm reading is so good.
And I'll do puzzles for a few minutes. Okay. K. Yeah. I've gotta make sure the kid actually ate something. Yeah. Yep. Anyway Anyhoo. That was all chaotic, but hopefully something good came from it. I don't know why I get all apologetic about being chaotic. I should just fucking embrace it. I don't know. I don't know. I always wanna be After all these years. Yeah. I always wanna be sleeker and more put together and, you know, whatever than I actually am.
And I I struggle to just embrace the mess that I am because my perfectionist side says you shouldn't be a mess. I'm a fucking mess. I just I just need to own it. I will say because I meant to say it earlier and then forgot, and I'll have to say it again next week. But hey, if you are willing to stick around to the bitter end, you get to know first. We have an episode next week, which is the May. And then we are taking a break the following week, which is the week after The
US Mother's Day. I don't know when The UK's Mother's Day is. But US Mother's Day is, I believe, May 11, whatever that Sunday is. My mom will be in town from the Thursday before to the Thursday after Mother's Day. And I don't wanna have to run around worrying about recording. But Yeah. I looked at a calendar. The Friday when she will have been gone because she leaves on Thursday,
is is that the fifteenth or sixteenth? I can't remember the date, but that Friday But it will be the night of the hangout. It'll be the night of the hangout. So there won't be a episode, and there won't be a following Monday episode, but there will be a Friday night livestream. Wow. So we got one more episode in this series we're doing. Mhmm. And then we'll take our break. And then we might do a couple of episodes that are not related
specifically to the series. But then as topics crop up, then I'm like, oh, that fits the series. We'll do the series. We'll keep it going. Yay. Oh. Oh. UK Mother's Day was a month ago. Wow. Alright. Yeah. I don't pay as much attention to my UK, like, connections and friends. Not like they're used to. Yeah. Yeah. They're not in my my feeds quite as much, so I don't keep up with it anymore. Mhmm. But also, I also forget that their time change happens at a different point than our time change.
There's always, like, a week where The UK friends I do, like, connect with most often, we don't know what time we're trying to talk to them about. Right? Somebody's time has changed and we're not in sync. But yeah. So Yeah. Anyway. So Anyway. Okay. I'm hot and sweaty. Mhmm. Yep. Gotta go be a mom before I can go be a lump in the bed. There you go. Before then, I can come back and screech into a microphone. Yep. Okay. Okay. Alright. We'll talk to y'all later.
Thanks for hanging out with us. Thanks for being here to the bitter end. Mhmm. Thanks for embracing the chaos. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.