BDSM Reddit Response

- You are listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode 3 78. Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the, I don't even know what to say, but I know. I love you, John Brownstone. . - I love you too, baby girl. - Okay. That's it. That's all. We're done here Now, , uh, this week, uh, before we go on our holiday break, of which we can't stop talking about for many reasons, one, I'm excited to just take some time away.

Two, uh, I know that some people in our audience are a little bit like me, and they like to feel prepared when things change, and I'm just trying to prepare you, so there you go. Anyway, before I go on our holiday break, we're gonna get a little, maybe I can't promise anything, but maybe a little ranty with A-B-D-S-M Reddit response Uhoh episode. Well, I, I mean, I picked the, the ones, and at least one kind of made my ears red and made my neck get hot.

So that tells me I'm my blood pressure throwing up a little bit. So, oh, boy. I don't, I don't know what will happen, but - Could be anything. - Could be anything. Mm. - Welcome - To the Living BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday and Monday for your kinky pleasure in education. And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.

Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM pc, the PCs Dance for podcast. Y'all on Instagram and technically threads at that handle. I will Forever fucking Hate Loving DSS and the number one. So that's at Loving DSS one, or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes.

A big thanks as always, to our Kiki patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. Uh, we're able to keep doing this and being this and whatever this is to in large part, to our kinky community over on Patreon. And we are grateful for every fucking one of you. - We are, we are, we are. - I'm really genuinely not sure what we'd do. That part of the community.

If you'd like to join our Kee community and get access to extra content and a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice Ks, you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords, that's patreon.com/kayla lords, or use the link in the show notes. Okay. Before we get started on potential rants, I can't promise anything, but whatever. Um, , I have 85 million announcements. , first of all, uh, Friday, December 15th for YouTube folks.

That's the Friday after this video is available for podcast listeners. It's the day this podcast goes live. Uh, we are doing our monthly YouTube evening live stream at 9:30 PM Eastern. It is a demos for dollars. If you pay for Super chats, you get to direct to a certain extent what I get hit with . Um, X who I'm not sure is here for the live stream, but I know will be around it at some point. And I think Andre have already prepaid . Mm-Hmm. - . Mm-Hmm. ,

- Um, - E they, they waste no time. Right. - And I have been told from people who were just witnessing it, um, that it was a good time for them too. So like, don't, like, if you don't have any money, it's fine. A apparently watching me get hit with things is, is entertainment for, for somebody else. So that's what we're doing. - Should it should feed the exhibitionist in you as well? - It does. It does. But see, now I know what to expect based on last time, and I'm a little nervous, uh, .

So 9:30 PM Eastern, uh, on Friday, December 15th. Yeah. - I, I need to pick some, uh, stuff out for that, don't I? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do. And it needs to be something that, that you can easily like on camera kind of situation. Yeah. So no vloggers or anything that, that won't really work. No. No. Um, anyway, next, uh, next announcement. We, uh, will be vending as the kry at an event in Gainesville, Florida, December 30th. That's the Saturday before New Year's Eve.

It's New Year's Eve Eve, uh, at a party called the Naughty New Year Masquerade. Uh, that is a ticketed event 'cause it's a party. Um, we're gonna sell our Hitty thing so people can like buy a Hitty thing and go use a Hitty thing. Mm-Hmm. . And that just seems Mm-Hmm, good to us. Uh, for YouTube folks. I'm not linking to that Fe Life event , because I don't want YouTube to put us in a fucking quarter again.

Um, if you go to Fe Life and search Subspace events, or Naughty New Year Masquerade Party. Mm-Hmm. . It's in Gainesville, Florida, you'll find it. - Or you could just go to the Kry site on FET and you'll see that we've, we are Sure. Sure. - Yeah. But it, we're not the Kry on life. We're the Kry shop. . - Okay. Well, - It gets confusing. I know. Um, but for podcast listeners, it'll be in the show notes - For Friday. There you, - So there you go. We'll link directly to it. Woo. Um, we're excited.

I, Mm-Hmm. We've ne I This is a, is this a brand new event? A first time party? - Um, it's not the first time they've started doing them, but they are hoping to - Do more of them, - Build enough following that it's worked for them to do more. Gotcha. And, um, they're kind of looking forward because, you know, previously from the Ocala Gainesville area, you know, it's a trip either to Orlando or Tampa to Tampa Bay. Tampa Tampa. Mm-Hmm. , Tampa Bay, you know, to, um, really do anything.

And, you know, they're looking to try and bring something, uh, a little more, um, - Local, - Local to the, you know, and regular Sure. To the, to the community here. - We've never done a vending thing at a party, so this'll be interesting. Mm-Hmm. . Um, of course, when it was presented to us and offered us, we were like, yeah, sure. And I moved on with my life. We had other things going on.

And then when I went to like, go start grabbing information so we could share with any, any of our Florida peeps who might wanna go to such a thing, I finally like, paid attention. I was like, oh my God, I might be too old for this because the party is from 8:00 PM to 1:00 AM . And I was like, oh, I will definitely be drinking lots of coffee during the day, and an effort to maybe stay awake. I'm hoping the adrenaline gets me through.

- And then during the day, there's that day of, there's a munch. - Yes. That was very lovely for them. , I'm gonna, I'm gonna need to, to, uh, take a nap. Um, next announcement. I've said it 10 million times, but I like to keep saying it for those who might not catch it. Mm-Hmm. the first 10 million times, and maybe they'll hear it on the 10 million in once, once. First time I just made. - Wow. - If I don't get a break soon, I'm clearly gonna crack more than I've already cracked.

Um, but no, I know for people who are like me and like, are very routine oriented, it throws people off when like, our schedule changes. So I'm just trying to give plenty of warning , if you are annoyed by it, be glad you don't need all of the warning. Anyway, uh, , we're going on break for two weeks. We're actually gonna make it a break. So there will be a video slash podcast episode on Monday. Lola is howling in, in the living room. Um, but then after that, there's basically nothing.

We won't live stream. Um, we won't have a podcast episode. We won't put the newsletter out. Um, basically if you are a member of our Patreon, um, and you're in our discord, you can, you can get, you can reach us, but, and the kry will be open. We will still be kind of working there as well. Yeah.

But o otherwise, we're, and I'm actually trying to take a break for the first year, and I don't know how long I asked jb I was like, you know how normally we'd spend our quote, break our vacation or, or whatever we wanna call it, planning 2024. I don't wanna do that. I wanna come back the first week of January and then plan - 2024. And I was like, yeah, okay. . - Yeah. I wanna just sit still and mindlessly scroll mindlessly, do anything, sleep, watch tv. I don't know what I want to do. Right?

I can't even imagine it. But that's what - We're doing. I, I, I told Kayla, I said, once, once, we're officially on break. No more alarm clock. - Mm-Hmm. . I don't, I use an alarm clock. 'cause my paranoid brain is like, what if this is the one time you don't wake up before the sun comes up? But, uh, I wake, I wake up because my, I have a, some sort of shoulder, arm neck thing going on, and my numb hands wake me up every morning before six o'clock in the morning.

So it's fine. So - It's on the 21 - silent, silent us coming in for the wind that there will be no stream on the 21, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh God. We hadn't even gotten started . And it's already off the fucking rails. and I, this one is for the, for the folks who clearly like us on some level, because we're, I'm not even trying to be helpful. I'm just gonna be my goofy ass fucking self more so than usual. I know. I'm always my goofy ass, but you know what I mean. Uh, so, okay.

Okay. We're gonna get into this. Oh, - What are we getting into here? - . So we have, uh, one from the BDSM. Am I the asshole subreddit? Mm-Hmm. , I beg of you. If you have some fucked up situations, either personally or from sters, you know, um, that would be like a, am I the asshole? Please post in it. This is, I, I want this subreddit to thrive and not just 'cause our friend rah rah is the one who like runs it and all that. I mean, yes. But also I love answering these questions, uh, .

So for this, we, this time we have one from that subreddit, and then the rest are from the BDSM advice subreddit. Uh, we are gonna get started with the one from the, am I the asshole? Here we go. All right. And now this is where I have to lean weirdly towards the screen. That makes me look funky in the camera. 'cause I got old people glasses. Okay. Uh, I'm a 32 kinky female dating a 31-year-old vanilla male.

Prior to our relationship, I was more active on FET life and posted pictures of self ties and marks and bruises from impact play scenes. I have tagged play partners in some of my photos, thanking them for great scenes. My posts have always been described as tasteful, and I have never just showed everything. All of my quote body photos are also set to friends only. So only people I've met and vetted can see them.

Since we started dating four months ago, I have not seen or posted any pictures of my body to my account. I mentioned in passing that there were pictures of me online, but I didn't explicitly state what they were or show them to him. This past weekend, he joined FetLife and saw my account for the first time. When he was signing up, I warned him he might see some things he might not like now. He says he is hurt because I kept this from him. He calls the comments on my pictures disgusting.

And the pictures themselves scandalous. He feels like I deceived him by withholding this information about my past online activity. I feel like I am entitled to my privacy about this and that he is judging me for posting pictures of myself online. Am I the asshole for not telling him about my fe life profile and its contents?

Even after being together four months for context, I have been open with him about being kinky and in my local community from day one, he has tried to go to munches and events with me, including a dungeon and to do light activities like spanking during sex and some rope bondage. But he has also told me he has no interest in kink. I also found out after the fact that he had problems with activities going on at these events.

He has met my friends in the community and liked them until he read some of their comments on my pictures. And now he has a problem with some of the men in the community. He asked me to tell my last play partner to never ever contact me again. He did take the BDSM test and his results were a hundred percent vanilla. We have tried doing a yes no maybe list together, but most of his responses were, that's intense. Yeah, sure. Or absolutely not.

We've talked about me going to the dungeon again, but I would not be allowed to play with any men and I would have to check in with him. I also shared a book with him about mixed kinky vanilla relationships. The title they mentioned, and this is actually the wrong one. Mm-Hmm. . It was another book, but they tried to give them a resource, not sure about Okay, blah, blah, blah.

And his first response was to ask if the book quote told me to leave him, there are also some other non kink issues I need to address with him. I feel like this relationship is nearing its end, but I want to give it and him the opportunity it deserves. Why, why he has kink shamed you and tried to control access to your kink friends. - Exactly. - Why are we giving him a chance at this - Point? Yeah. Um, you know, it's, it's a, it's a fine line.

I mean, when you meet somebody and you're dating, especially somebody who is not kinky or, or part of the, the kink lifestyle. Right. You know, um, yeah. That's not something you would just roll out on the first date. - No. And I mean, with felt life, it's not, I mean, yes, there are people who could see it, but Mm-Hmm. you, it's a, it's a, you have to have an account, you have to like Sure. It's not quote just anybody. And even if it was, it's her fucking body and pictures and kink.

Yes. You can do that if that's - Correct. Um, yeah. You know, - I feel like it's just an incompatibility because it's, it's, it's fine to be vanilla, it's fine to be a hundred percent vanilla. There's nothing fucking wrong with that. But this is a person who is claiming, I guess, to care for this person. Mm-Hmm. , they've been together four months, but also wants, uh, kink shames and Mm-Hmm. Basically goes Ooh, gross. Absolutely. Yeah.

Um, likes somebody that he meets until he realizes basically they're kinky and that they probably - Positively react. Either did a seen or commented on Right. Some of her photos. Right. - And so then the moment he knows their kinky a and has access to her, her pictures, or her body in some way is, doesn't like it. Uh, not supportive. Mm-Hmm. wants to control access to friends.

Like, I understand that it is common air quote, typical that there are a lot of cis hetero relationships where, of either male or female. Somebody's like, I'm not comfortable with you being near somebody of the opposite sex, blah, blah, blah. And we could talk about that being preferences, but I mean, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you side eye because actually that sounds like insecurity. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. But I don't consider that a healthy reaction to automatically assume Yeah.

Whatever, whatever. And this is playing out. But in a kink world where it, it feels even more dissonant when I, I'm like, what this person has multiple play partners over time is, is living their hopefully best kinky life. And you who, I'm not gonna vanilla shame anybody, but I am gonna asshole shame folks. The boyfriend or the whatever is the fucking asshole. Yeah. Not the person asking the question. Mm-Hmm.

, they did not have, they were not under any obligation, especially once they knew that their partner did not have a kinky bone in their body and was judgmental about things they'd seen at the dungeon and the munch and, - And that and - That. Why would I share that with you at that point? And, - And even before that is the reason why most people don't talk about that with somebody who is non kinky. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. , you know, it, um, yeah. Just for that reason. Mm-Hmm.

, I mean, I, you know, I hate to say it. There, there is a, a amount of kink shaming that goes on within the community itself. Mm-Hmm. , which, which is bad. But then you, you throw in the mix, you know, someone who has no kink experience knows very little about the community and, and what we do. And, you know, that is a recipe for the perfect storm. Yeah, I agree. So - I agree because this, you know, there, we, we all know that plenty of non-kin sters are extremely judgmental and it sucks.

And Mm-Hmm. , most of us want to avoid that. I - Mean, and not all of them, but there, there are, but - Plenty of them are. Yeah. And, and at this point, you're, this person is in a relationship with somebody who is a judgmental non-kin ster, a kink shammie, judgmental, non-kin ster. I what is there to salvage at this point? Yeah. I could, I could understand an honest conversation about, wow, I didn't expect to see that. Yeah. You know, can you tell me why you didn't tell me?

It feels weird that I didn't know, but to, I mean, to immediately feel some sense of disgust or whatever about the comments left on it, about the fact that it was done, about these play partners that, and, you know, she adds the caveat that she had not hidden her kink life. Right. So this person was agreeing to be in the relationship knowing that their partner had previous partners. And quite frankly, most of us have previous - Partners. Yeah. Right. Like, come - On now.

Yeah. The person is not the asshole. That is, that is easily answered. No, you're not the asshole. Uh, to me, you waiting to even talk about this or not willing, being willing to talk about this with them and not feeling like you wanted to share that part of you. I think that was some part of you knowing you couldn't Yeah. I think I, I mean, you've just proven why maybe if you're, you know, not dating a kister who's already on fe life and like, might have their own issues, but basically gets it.

Yeah. I see why you would've waited. And that's another thing. I've, I've done this to not in this kind of situation, but I have told people, if you go to this kink space, if you go, I, hey, when I've talked to my family about what I do, I'm like, if I tell you or I send you to the site, you can't unknow what you're about to fucking learn what you, - What you see. Yeah. - And it, I I am not responsible for how you feel about it.

And that was him. She was like, you, you're not gonna like what you see, you're not prepared for this. Mm-Hmm. . And he did it anyway, but now his feelings are her fucking problem. No, - Right. - No, no, no, no. I'm not sure what we're salvaging there. No. And what we're trying to, especially if in the very last bit, it's like we have issues that aren't kink related. I bet the fuck you do.

- Right, . - Yep. And that's, you know, I'll say this, it's not to say that non-kin sters who are dating sters can't have feelings and feel weirded out and be unsure and be confused. Like, absolutely. But if the response is an immature response, unless you want to be the one that helps 'em grow up in a fucking hurry and learn how to have adult conversations Mm-Hmm. what are we doing there? And, - And you know, this, this isn't the norm either.

I mean, I, I have known people who are sters who are in a relationship with somebody who's non kinky. Mm-Hmm. , you know, and they're secure enough in who they are in their relationship to say, well, you know, I'm not really into this, but go enjoy yourself. Right?

- Right. And I can see there being conversations about what they're comfortable with and what they're not, but to basically forbid all, everything, you know, I can, that does not surprise me that a non kinky partner would be like, I'm not comfortable with you doing any of this stuff. Mm-Hmm. those to have those feelings that, that Oh, you get to have those feelings.

I think it's just is then a sign that maybe there's no compatibility there, because if that person is like, but I need this, I want this. I'm a happier person with this. Sure. And you are not comfortable, like your boundary is, you don't want a partner who's gonna have other partners Mm-Hmm. and do these kinds of things, then what are we doing here? - Right. I mean, you, you, you know, you tell somebody no, you have to give up that part of your life. Right.

- Because I'm uncomfortable - And squid down. Yeah. Because I'm uncomfortable with it. Um, you know, that, that is a, a recipe for disaster for, for the other person to build resentment because you can't just tamp down. Right. You know who you are and, and, and Mm-Hmm. You know. No. - And the way this person describes it, clearly, it's, it's an important integral part of their life. - Who they are. Yeah. Right. - So they're, it's just, it's just you're with the wrong partner.

Mm-Hmm. you're just with. And then for them to be shammy and shitty about it even more so. Yeah. Even. Yeah. Okay. So before I get into the next one Mm-Hmm. , the next post did not have a content warning, but as I read it, I was like, it probably should for anybody coming across it.

Okay. So the poster of this next one does not frame what happened as sexual assault, but I think a reasonable person listening to what happened, and they don't go into huge detail, but they do go into a little bit, might think so. Okay. So if you're like, yeah, no, I am, I am not here to listen to that, especially it's within A-A-B-D-S-M context. If you do not have the, the anything, the wherewithal to want to listen to that, you should skip it on YouTube.

I'm wa I'm gonna wave at the camera when I get started until I get timestamps in roll up. Um, for podcast listeners, um, by the time this episode comes out, I'll know how long the conversation is. Just check the show notes for how long you need to fast forward. But for YouTube folks, until there are timestamps, I'll wave at you, uh, to let you know that we're starting and we're ending the conversation if you want to skip it.

So just, yeah, I don't, it's not like the worst thing I've ever read or read aloud for this, uh, show. But it, I still want to give people warning because I feel like part of the, my response to the response is, why did you not think this was worse than it was? So about to get started, I'm waving at the camera, so if you wanna mute until I wave again. There we go. Podcast listeners, check the show notes to figure out how long you need to fast forward. Four. Okay. Okay. Title.

My dom insisted on a new safety rule and then violated it less than a week later was the onus on me to remind him, Tim, Hmm. A week ago, excuse me, my 35 female dom, 35 male, also my boyfriend of 10 months. And I engaged in a very hot, very rough anal consensual non-consent scene. We didn't use lube by mutual prior agreement. Afterwards, there was quite a lot of blood. He clearly felt bad about going a little too hard.

And while we were cleaning up, he said something along the lines of, I'm sorry that happened. From now on, we will definitely use lube to make sure we're not causing any actual damage. I care about you so much, and I never want to do things to you that could actually injure you. It made me feel really loved that he decided, that was no prompting for me.

He was really good with aftercare that night, but I didn't feel like I needed much special treatment because his words made me feel so seen and cared for this weekend, he had apparently had a little too much to drink. I couldn't really tell he was intoxicated at all. He holds his liquor very well and went into primal mode. While I was giving him a blowjob. He grabbed me by my hair, threw me down onto the bed, and shoved his cock into my ass without lube.

Again, I didn't say word before he started because it happened. So suddenly when he threw me down, I was expecting vaginal sex specifically because he had so recently insisted on not doing dry anal. Again, I did manage to say something like, please not my ass again. But he might've thought that that was just CNC dirty talk. I also didn't say word during because the pain was tolerable. And because I was experiencing the freeze part of the fight, flight freeze response, there was a lot of blood.

Again, this time he didn't really acknowledge it or offer much in the way of aftercare, aside from falling asleep, spooning like we always do, our longstanding rule is that spontaneous rough anal always has to be followed up with aftercare. I'm feeling pretty disappointed and hurt. I brought it up last night and he said he had completely forgotten about saying he wouldn't do that again.

And then in the future, I should say yellow, if I need to pause and remind him of a rule that he's blanking on. He also reminded me this weekend that I should say for it if I think he's too drunk to engage in kink responsibly. But again, he didn't seem drunk at all and had only had about four drinks, which is pretty typical for him. Most nights, that seems like an acceptable course of action, but I'm still dismayed that it was so easy for him to forget. We're supposed to move in together soon.

And this has shaken some of my faith in his concern for my long-term wellbeing, I realized slash agree that I should have used my safe word. So I know I bear some of the responsibility here, but I was wrong to assume. But was I wrong to assume he would remember? How do I put aside my bad feelings about this? You bear none of the goddamn responsibility for what the fuck - Happened, right? No, no, they don't.

Um, you know, what the actual fuck if, if this person, this dom cannot remember a, a, a rule that he put place a week ago. Um, some serious, serious shit. Two, um, you know, again, this is just another, and I'm sorry, I know there are people who practice safely with, with drinking and, and you know, but this, this is just another, um, this is a - Classic example of how it doesn't fucking mix. Right. But also, I don't even care that he was drinking.

He made a rule, broke it, and then told her that it had been her responsibility to fucking remind him of a rule. Mm-Hmm. . Don't just throw the whole air, quote dom away. Throw him in fucking jail. Yeah. Just, are you fucking kidding - Me? And, and I mean, you know, the, the whole four drinks thing, um, you know, four drinks, uh, is, is, is a good amount of drinks. - Makes me wonder if he does that most nights, if he's a functional alcoholic. Right. Because if you can't quote, tell Mm-Hmm.

that means that, you know, usually that means that, that that's normal for them. Like whatever that is, - Is right. Because, you know, there's there there's some things to consider here. Four drinks. Okay. Over how long a time period. Okay. You know, did he mm-Hmm, drink these drinks, you know, with, with within an hour? Or were they spaced out over an, an entire evening? How strong was he mixing these drinks?

You know? So these, these are all things that, um, you know, you, you have to think about here. But the, the fact that the second time he just went at it like that Right. With without even caring. No, she is not the asshole. He is definitely, - Yeah. She bears no responsibility. No. You know, but her, her end question here is, was I wrong to assume he would remember? No. The fuck you weren't wrong.

You had, you had every reasonable expectation that the rule he set seven fucking days ago that he would abide by Mm-Hmm. . And especially if he's not done something like this in the past, that does not put the onus on her to like, have just known that this would happen. But it does. All I ask that I say that because is this genuinely the first time? And so it's even more shocking, or have there been things going on that she just didn't recognize as red flags or things?

Because we all, I mean, we've all had those relationships where somebody does something shitty and you go, oh, it's fine, or you haven't Mm-Hmm. , they make an excuse that sounds plausible. Like me wanting to know is not to say that she could have foreseen this 'cause No, she fucking couldn't. Right. I wanna know, because I wanna know how much of a douche is, I don't even have the words of what to call this motherfucker.

Yeah, yeah. What I wanna know how bad it's been because I, I feel like I can be even angrier than I already fucking am. So No, you were not wrong to assume that you would remember. And how do you put your bad aside, your bad feelings about it? I don't know that you fucking do. Right. Therapy. Dump his fucking ass first. If you can safely get the fuck outta there. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, okay. Okay. My ears, my ears are red. . It's bad all the way around. It's abusive.

It's assault. Yeah. It's a lack of responsibility, which becomes the bare minimum ones. We're talking about abuse and assault. Mm-Hmm. . But it's a la the lack of responsibility. It's the, this, it is, I think somebody said in the livestream, it is take it's pushing all of the, the excuses onto her making it her fault and her problem. Right. When it was his actions and his Mm-Hmm. , you know. - Yeah. Some, somebody in the stream baisley said, it's gas gaslight, it's gaslighting. Oh - My fuck.

I mean, yeah. You should remind me of a fucking rule. Fuck you. Right. - Fuck you so hard. Fuck you so hard. Right, right, right, - Right, right, right. I mean, I was, you know what, before we even got into the, the awful awful of this post when it was like we decided to do an anal CNC scene with no lube, I was like, no. - Yeah. Right. - No, because even in a carefully choreographed scene where it felt like they understood the expectations, there still could have been injury that occurred.

Yeah. You know, and he almost sounded a little bit like the hero by being like, caring that she had experienced actual harm, but then, then to just not care. - A be clear and then to this, and then to dismiss it. Oh my god. - Mm-Hmm. . And Yeah. And so now she's questioning what she's supposed to do. - Right. I mean, I'm, you know, I'm, I'm looking at this, at the very end, they say, you know, they should have used their safe word.

Oh. But God, in that case, would this dumb, even if acknowledged it. Yeah. You know. Yeah, - Exactly. - Huh? - This person, the air quote dump is awful. Yep. That was assault easily. Yes. Um, what I want to do is gather up that person and go, here, let's get you the fuck away and let him be a dumpster fire on his fucking - O Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. - I don't know that there's much to add. It is enraging. It is enraging. - Yeah. - Okay.

I'm gonna wave at the camera now for anybody who muted who did not wanna be part of that conversation to be able to come back. I'm waving. Come back. Okay. Podcast listeners. Hopefully you're, you've fast forwarded and you're here now. Mm-Hmm. . Oh my God. Okay. Okay. We're gonna, we're gonna go to the next one. I, I, yeah. That was the only one I felt the need to like put a warning on 'cause that was just, okay. Okay. Get my blood pressure down so I can read the next one.

Okay, here we go. Uh, the title of this one is Feeling That The Praise Is Quote Empty. Recently I expressed to Adam Dom that I see semi-regularly, that I have a really difficult time keeping motivation with a lot of mundane things, cleaning my space, working out, all that type of stuff. He suggested that if I wanted, he could give me a list of tasks that I should do throughout the week. And if I complete everything, I would be allowed to go see him for playtime.

I said yes to this agreement and it honestly has kept me on top of everything I need to do. And I'm thankful that he wanted to do this with me. 'cause I wouldn't have had the balls to ask him myself. For context, we aren't super, super close personally and rarely talk unless it's to schedule some playtime. Now. I love being praised, love being called a good girl. Love it all. I eat it up. But for some reason, whenever he praises me for getting things done, it feels so empty, baseless, mandatory.

Like it's not coming. Quote from his chest is what I mean. It's the same good girl. So proud of you over and over. And to be honest, our first scene since after making this rule was extremely lackluster. And yes, I hyped it up a hundred percent thinking this was gonna be a crazy, insane scene. But even if I hadn't, I still would've been like, oh, that was very mediocre. After our scene ended, I just was like, he is probably not in the right head space today.

We still had some good conversation afterwards, though. Maybe my tolerance for impact and pain has gone up since we first started doing things together. But I left with not even a tiny bruise on me again. He most likely was just not in the head space, but my overthinking has gotten to me. The other thing is too, he has a lot of other partners. Like every time I look up, he's got someone else with him. Not that I really care, but I'm just like, was I another notch in his belt?

Does he just want to say that he has a quote, young sub context? I'm the youngest person he sees. Does he actually really even care about what I'm doing at all? Maybe I'm too emotional about it. Maybe I'm too self-deprecating for my own good. I just don't know how to feel. Hmm. I think that many people, maybe not all, 'cause I can see situations where maybe you wouldn't. But I think a lot of people can tell when praise is sincere.

Mm-Hmm. . And when it is not. Well, - It's, it's just like, you know, telling somebody you love them. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Um, when used in the right context, you know? Yeah. It convey, you know, I love you. Mm-Hmm. . - It's the tone, it's the look, - It's the everything. And it's, it's the tone. It's the look. It's everything that goes with it. You did a good, you - Did a good one. . Thank you. - But you know, words become empty after they're said so much.

- Especially if there's nothing to go with them - With that. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Mm-Hmm. . So, um, you know, there, there may be something to what she's saying. Mm-Hmm. . Absolutely. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Because, you know, it comes down to fact sometimes, um, show me, don't tell me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Kind of thing. Mm-Hmm. . All right. Mm-Hmm. . So, you know. Yeah. There, there, there, there might be something behind what she's thinking. Feeling. Absolutely. Mm-Hmm. .

- This is one of those times I would go, if that's what it feels like. Absolutely. Trust your instinct on that one. Yeah. Because I think, you know, other, outside of some specific circumstances, I think most people, you get a sense now you can question yourself and you can doubt yourself and you can overthink it. Mm-Hmm. . Which that may be what she's doing as well. Yeah. But I, I think she knows.

I think you can just tell when you've gotten a genuine, like a heartfelt, you did a good job, right? Mm-Hmm. . I also, I don't know if it's the same issue or if it's two separate issues in the comments on this post. People considered it two separate issues. The, um, this person has a lot, the dom has a lot of partners and, you know Mm-Hmm. . She's feeling like a notch. Here's the thing.

If the praise is not, I, I think they kind of go together because if the praise does not, is the experience with the partner does not feel genuine and authentic. Mm-Hmm. . I think that if, you know they have multiple partners, then yeah. You're gonna go, am I, am I just part of the collection here? And I'm, I'm not important enough as an individual. I'm, I'm, I'm a notch. Yeah. I'm a a pretty in the, the, you know, bouquet of submissives.

This person has, I'm, I'm the reason this person can say, I have this many subs, or I, you know, whatever, whatever it might be. - Right. Right, - Right, right. You know, I think that's a fair question to think when you do not think you're having an authentic experience. Right. With your partner now it if everything feels worth trying to salvage all of this has to have a conversation.

Yes. There should, you know, I can understand a little bit of nerves around this if you have never had to have a hard conversation with a partner before, but I personally do not think that there's a submissive on the fucking planet who should be afraid to go to their dom and go, that, that scene we did. Ah, uh, how do you feel about it? Yeah. Because, uh, here, here's some things I need that I didn't get. I, we should now be able to have those conversations.

- Now, now to be fair and, you know, kind of be the, uh, devil's advocate here. Mm-Hmm. , I, you know, every scene I have ever had, you know, not every one of them has been a hundred percent No. You know, there and they're not gonna be there. There are, there are times I'm, I'm off my game. Sure. And you know, it, it's, it's just kind of getting through, you know? - Yeah. I mean, yes. Because - That's just nature of things. Everybody has an off.

- Right. But, but the thing is, it's not about having the off day Mm-Hmm. . It's about can I, am I comfortable enough? Safe enough? Is there enough of something between us? 'cause it's not all, we've been married a hundred years and we're gonna be together forever kind of thing. Do I feel secure enough in this connection? Then I can go to you and go, I'm so glad we could be together for a scene. Um, can we talk about how it went down? Can we talk about the next scene?

Here's some things that I would have, you know, would like to experience, like figuring out the best way to, to have the conversation. Absolutely. Depends on the interpersonal relationship to you. I could go, how do you feel about that? And we're usually on the same wavelength you would go, that was not my best. No. And I'd go, it was not your worst, but you, - It definitely wasn't my best either. Yeah. - What do we wanna do next? Right. We have that kind of relationship. Mm-Hmm. .

But the ability to have the, what might feel like a difficult conversation to do. Critical feedback of I didn't quite get what I needed. What can we do next time without, you know, being insulting or whatever. Mm-Hmm. . Like, that's an important part of any ongoing dynamic. Sure. And, - And, and that's something we kind of started early on in the beginning to, you know, uh, call it what you will, but like, debrief after a scene. Mm-Hmm. .

- Mm-Hmm. . So if you've got the am I just a notch praise doesn't feel genuine and authentic and I didn't have a good scene and, you know, I think it's adding up to something. Is it possible it's adding up to, you know, your own insecurities getting in your way. Sure. Of course. Is it possible that your instincts are telling you Hmm. May maybe this isn't what I thought this was also. Sure. Mm-Hmm. the first step is always can you have a conversation about it?

And can you try at least try and what is their reaction? Mm-Hmm. like if this person is just gathering up subs, right? Yeah. I think somebody said a harem in the live street chat mirror, um, and their immediate reaction is negative deflection, not my fault. You're full of shit, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I feel like then whatever your instincts are about the, the, the negativity of this relationship, the bad side. Mm-Hmm. . They've just proven it to you. Yeah.

Like, you don't have to give more time and energy to quote, fix it. Let us just remove ourselves from the hair. Mm-Hmm. at that point. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. But if they're like, oh shit, that's not what I wanted. That's, you know, that's not, I was trying and Oh God, okay, let's talk about this then. Maybe there's something salvageable there. - Yeah. I know. And, and Raro brings up that, you know, some, some submissive may be hesitant. Mm-Hmm. to share their feelings with their government.

- Absolute fucking literally. - Which, which is absolutely true. But - You still gotta do it. You, you - Still gotta do it because in the long run that is actually doing a disservice Right. To the relationship. Because it, it's a, it's a matter, you know, in, in any relationship, kinky, non kinky, whatever, whatever it is that you, you do that you like, you know, it's about growth. And if somebody doesn't know what the other one is feeling, right.

Or, you know, there, there is no room for growth - At that point, and they're not that getting their needs met, they're dissatisfied. Right. I mean, we don't know anything about this dom. And so is it that they're collecting submissives and they just, they just wanna be able to say they have a number and they don't actually genuinely care for, I mean Yes. Yes. We've mm-Hmm. any of us who have spent any time in the kink space online, we have seen some version of that.

Yeah. But is it also possible, maybe not equally possible , but possible that he wants to have a good relationship with this person. He wants to give them what they need, but doms aren't mind readers and, and truly the, a good test, not a perfect one, not the ultimate one, but a good test of, is this person actually trying, or do they want to try and have something good with me?

You know, as much as I wanna have something good with them, is how they will eventually at least respond to feedback and respond to you going, Hey, I'm so glad we could be together and have this, but I I'm not getting some of what I need, or this is how I feel. Right. You know, I think we had this conversation in a very recent episode where sometimes the initial reaction is negative 'cause 'cause they feel attacked and they're not handling themselves well.

And you know, you get to decide for yourself if you're gonna tolerate a relationship where they, they have that immediate reaction before they cool down and can have a fucking conversation with you. But if they can come back to the table and have a conversation with you, then you've got something to build upon. Yeah. And if they cannot, if they stay in deflection blaming, you know Mm-Hmm.

blame and shame you kind of moat to me that tells you the, the question you should ask yourself then is, what the fuck am I doing here? If, if you cannot hear me say that I'm not a hundred and percent completely satisfied with you all of the fucking time, if your ego can't fucking stand it, then what the fuck are we doing here? Because as you have said many times, and we say all the time, it becomes a revelation to some people, doms aren't perfect.

Right. You're not fucking mind readers. No. And you're gonna get it wrong at times. And sometimes it's not even getting it wrong. It's just a, you were going for an experience, a situation. Mm-Hmm. . And it didn't work the way you intended. And that is not, that is not to, for somebody to bring that up is not a mark against your ability to be a fucking dominant. It's just a, Hey, let me give you the feedback so the next time Mm-Hmm. , we can have a good

scene together. Right. Can, - Let's make it better. We can - Continue forward in a good way. Mm-Hmm. . And yes, I absolutely recognize that Simos find that very difficult to do. And I am happy to be the ambassador that says, I need you to get the fuck over that in whatever way you need to do and start having hard conversations. Yeah. - What she said, okay, - It ain't easy.

I mean, I was ready to swallow my tongue the first time I had to tell JB something negative, had to physically write it down on paper because it couldn't say the words, but the conversation had to happen. Just does Mm-Hmm. and either shitty partners wave a red flag. So, you know, let this one go. And a good partner or a potentially good partner goes, okay, this is hard for me to hear and this is hard for me to take, but let's have the conversation. Yeah. Right. So, - Deep breath.

- Okay. Oh, I didn't know that one was gonna make me ramp, but here we're - . - Okay. So this next one is not heavy, but it gave me immediate thoughts and I wondered what your thoughts were and if they match up to my thoughts. Okay. Hmm. This one is feeling more submissive when low energy, too long didn't read. My dominant partner is discovering being submissive for the first time in their life with me, but only gets in that mindset when low energy. Here we go. Hi, all.

I'm currently in my first ever romantic relationship that also involves ds. And when I started dating my partner a year ago, they were certain they were a hundred percent dominant without any interest for switching. Having been a dom in BDSM context for 10 plus years, while I was happy to be their sub and explore new things through that lens. As a newbie ster, I always quote warned them that there might be new things I wish to discover through my journey.

They always said they'd let me try things on them if I ever wanted, with a caveat that it's not really going to do anything for them. And that when they tried subbing in the past, that was not a pleasant experience as the loss of control didn't agree with them. Well, about six months into the relationship, my partner started to sometimes act submissive towards me. I'm really appreciative for their openness and the ability to be vulnerable with me.

After this happened a couple of times they mentioned this is the first instance. They'd actually enjoyed such role reversal because they can really trust me. This is not a particularly common occurrence still. And I haven't really consciously planned any dumbing scenes for them or anything like that. However, what I noticed is that pretty much every time my partner got into the submissive mood was when they were low energy.

Like after a long and active day, not having had enough sleep, feeling a bit under the weather. I wonder if any switches out here feel a similar way. Like you only wanna sub when you don't have the energy to do. Or if anyone else had a quote subby awakening when they were particularly exhausted. Another point that makes me slightly uneasy is that if this is the only scenario where I get to dom my partner, it starts to feel a bit exploit exploitative.

Uh, even though on all occasions my partner still initiated and we both enjoyed the sessions. So safe to assume they felt well enough to go on. Any advice on how to reframe this in my mind? So I can't answer on the switching. I'm not gonna try switches. Feel free to chime in. 'cause I, that ain't, that ain't my wheelhouse. Mm-Hmm.

- , I mean, the, the, the only thing I, I thing I can feel to say, and, and that's from having listened to some switches, you know, um, I, I don't believe, you know, it's, it's a, a switch to say, you know, oh, I'm gonna be big D this moment and you know, and next moment I'm gonna be sure little less. Um, I think there are certain things that, that bring that about.

Mm-Hmm. . So I am not surprised to think that after this person maybe had a long day, that they're exceedingly tired, you know, that the day may have been stressful. And to them that may they trigger, okay, I, I, this happened and, and I need to let it go and, and let somebody else step up. - The immediate thing I thought about, and it's because I can relate to the feeling. So I'm mm-Hmm. , I'm putting my own stuff on this. This could be completely not true at all.

But the thought, the thing I immediately thought I immediately had was how I, it's a thing, a part of my submission I fought against of being a baby girl. And for, for me being on the spectrum of littles, I'm not saying this person that their subside is like that, but it was the desire to be taken care of. Mm-Hmm. . I want somebody to take care of me. I want somebody to be a caregiver, to nurture, to look after me. And it is in, we cannot know.

'cause we don't know the, the other person's thoughts and their experience, but it is entirely possible that one, because of this relationship where they've said they feel safe enough. Mm-Hmm. . And two, for at least right now, they feel they're able to be submissive or let their submissive side out in a moment of vulnerability where they're just yes, they got no more to give.

Mm-Hmm. . And now, and however they interpret it in their mind and it feels for them, it's a, let's, can somebody else take care of me? Mm-Hmm. , can you decide? Can you be the one? And I would say that, you know, part of it is because they were so firm in the beginning that, oh, I'm totally a hundred percent dom. Right? And then they found the right relationship with the person that brought it out. 'em, and they felt safe enough. Mm-Hmm. . And the intimacy was there and blah blah.

And their guard is coming down that this might be for now the only way they can express it. Because if you have decided and proclaimed for anybody to hear that you are a hundred percent anything, even if you've tried, even if you're open to the idea Mm-Hmm. to discover that there's a part of you that is not, that 100% can feel a little jarring. Like, I think different people have different feelings about it. Mm-Hmm. . But it would not be uncommon to go, wait, was I completely wrong?

Do I not know myself? Or to have that moment of, oh, in this moment when I'm just super tired or I don't feel good, yeah, I can let go. Because look at me, I'm really like, you can kind of like, I don't use the word, I'm not saying make excuses like in a negative connotation, but like you can tell yourself all kinds of things for why you can do it now.

Mm-Hmm. that you can't do it in another context because you're not quite ready for yourself to commit to the fact of, oh, with this person and in the relationship we've cultivated, yeah. I can be submissive and I feel safe within myself to do that. So you have to, you know, you find that moment where it feels kind of easy or your guard is down a little bit or whatever, whatever, you know, again, it's gonna be different for everybody.

I True, true. Would love for switches to act, to chime in with actual experience. Mm-Hmm. , because we don't have that. But when I, when, when they were talking about how their partner can only get subby when they're in that, that I'm needy kind of mo mode. I'm like that, that's somebody who maybe they wouldn't use the words, but that's a please take care of me vibe. Yeah. I can submit to you because you're taking care of me because I'm in that moment where I need somebody to take care of me.

And if that's their entry point with this particular partner, or in general, I think that's fine. It doesn't have to have the caregiver vibe. Like they don't have to use any of the, the language or the labels of that. But that can be where it starts. I mean, I I used to feel really guilty before I understood what kink was.

And before I understood that I was a submissive for desperately wanting somebody to fucking take care of me, because I had been raised in the sort of the late eighties, nineties tradition of if, you know, you need to be an independent woman, you don't need no fucking man. And I was like, I mean, technically no, but I'd like one , I like somebody to tell me what to do. I please, you know, and then poof. Oh, oh, you're submissive. And I'm like, oh, that makes a lot more sense.

Um, so that, I mean, that's purely like subjective. Now, the part where, um, let me find the question again. Where they're like, you know, it feels a bit, um, exploitative, exploitative, I know, I'm, I'm fucking over that word. That I think is maybe because they haven't really had the conversation of what their partner is getting out of this moment. What they need, what they like, how it's working for them.

Because at that point now you are projecting your fears that you're taking advantage of them. Have, have they said that? Have they indicated, you know, if you haven't had a conversation or you need to have a conversation, like, I see this and I see this is when we're doing this, you know, this is how it's making me feel.

Can we talk this through? Um, and especially if they are fully engaged with you when you're doing it and they have the ability to withdraw consent, and you know you're not actually pressuring them, then yeah. Have the conversation and let them explicitly say, this is what I want, this is working for me. Um, advice on how to reframe it in their mind. I don't, jbs off behind the camera watching Lola outside lose her shit.

He might have a better thought, but I have to get him back to the microphone and in front of the camera - The concepts. - L la l la Lola. - She is being a - She is. Okay. So the f - She, she's in her mood today. - The final part of this, uh, this person's post Mm-Hmm. that I don't know if I have any good thoughts on.

All right. Is if you have any advice on how they can reframe how they're feeling about their partner's submission and how it fe how they're feeling about it in their mind, - That to reframe that Mm-Hmm. in all honesty, I, I don't know. - I really think it comes down to talking to your partner and trusting your partner. Well, - There, there has to be a conversation, obviously. Um, you know, because Yeah, I, I agree with you a hundred percent.

You know about the, that she says it, it feels exploitative. Um, I, I think Yeah. The, the person is being vulnerable. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. more than when they're able to let their guard down than, yeah. - And I mean, I think it's commendable that you've, they've developed a relationship where this person feels that safe. Mm-Hmm. , there are a lot of things. You and I have had this conversation many times in the past.

There are a lot of things you might start out at the beginning of a relationship going, I don't do this. I won't do this. I don't like that. Whatever, whatever, based on previous experiences with it and how you, how you did it. Right. And or how you think that that kink thing works and what will happen.

Yeah. And then as you feel safe, as you develop the trust and the bond with your partner, as you have experiences that don't threaten any boundaries at all with them, and you, you realize who they are and who you are with them, then Yeah. A lot of people will go, oh, well, let me rethink one or two of those things. Yeah. The other thing that's keep telling in this is that this partner had had that first subbing experience and hadn't liked it.

Well, then my question would be, what kind of sub experience was that? And how is that differing from this one? Because was it a dynamic that didn't work for them? Was it the type of submission that did not hit any of their buttons and this one, this type, however they're engaging and it does, does. Yeah. But yeah, to reframe it, I don't think you necessarily do that on your own. Mm-Hmm. I think you just have a conversation Yeah.

With your partner and you fucking trust them if they say, this is what I want. This feels good to me. But assuming they have earned your trust, but you know what I mean? Like, I, - I, I think that's probably Yeah, definitely a conversation, uh, about, you know, what, what's going on from both sides. And, and I think what needs to happen too, just like any relationship, you know, you, you have to set boundaries. You have, you know, this is a soft limit. This may be a hard limit.

And, and I think maybe, um, with, with this, there may not have, has been that conversation Mm-Hmm. that they've not set boundaries for what, what, - And it's just sort of happening Mm-Hmm. organically, which is, is nice, especially in a, an established relationship where you feel safe to do that. But also that just because something happens organically does not mean there doesn't need to be a conversation - . Sure, sure, sure, sure. - Okay. Anything else you would add about this one? No.

Okay. We're gonna go to our last - One. All right. - And the, the response to this, I think is fairly simple. Okay. It's still made my ears turn red, so, - Oh, goodness. Okay. - They, the title is real. BDSM. I'm writing this two days after a really hard and heavy impact scene on Friday night. I'm in drop, which I think has to do with how I feel about this and why I'm looking for advice or outside neutral opinions. Anyway, Friday was the first time I have played in five months.

It was a dual topping scene that we negotiated for a week leading up to the actual night of, I told my tops for the scene that I used red slash yellow and plain language in scene to communicate. We set up on center stage at the dungeon with me standing arms, overhead wrist buckled into leather restraints connected to a chain hoist that sounds hot. Mm-Hmm. . We started out kind of medium and then built up to a heavy constant pace. They took turns that lasted for 37 minutes.

I basically went until my body was going to give out on me and called it, I didn't even call red. I just said I needed to be let down during the scene. I processed different kinds of pain and endured it all. It was super hard. It was the hardest. I've gone in a while, and it was the hardest. I've gone in a single scene afterwards, I received phenomenal aftercare and felt physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally very good.

Yesterday I even made it out to a munch and heard several good comments on how I impressed people with the scene today. I learned that one of my good friends described the scene to another person as third world torture rather than conventional BDSM. And it is starting to bother me, someone whose opinion I value, thought the scene wasn't real. BDSM, I'm struggling with how I feel about this and wonder if I've done something wrong somehow. Have I crossed a line somewhere?

I know it's hard to ask opinions from others who haven't witnessed the scene, but I'm looking for advice on how to process slash address this. Thanks in advance. I'm sorry. That good of a friend. I'd be like, what the actual fuck. - Right. What - You said something about me, you couldn't say to me first of fucking all Mm-Hmm. . But also you couldn't, 'cause you knew you were kink shaming what the actual, if you thought I was in danger, what kind of good friend doesn't say something to me. Right.

- Or if, if you think something is that extreme, um, that's why they have dungeon monitors. Right. - Why aren't you a, I mean, if you actually cared and this wasn't a point of gossip Yeah. You're going to somebody going, I am worried about my friend. If, if - You really thought that that scene was, was crossing a serious line, then Yeah. Why did not, why did you not get a dungeon monitor to intervene? Right. - Right. - So, - So how do you address this process?

And I go for their fucking throat verbally. - Yeah. I mean, and, and then to, you know, say that it's not real. - Oh, that's so cake shamie. That's so cake - Shamie. Yeah. I mean, you know, again, what constitutes real? What constitutes - That's, we're back to one true way as I'm thinking. Yeah. If it does not fit my narrowly defined thought on what kink is, it's, it, it's not real. It doesn't fit. It's wrong somehow. Mm-Hmm. - - Hate it. Gross. Yeah. - I mean, - Throw the whole friend out.

- You know, God, one person's scene may not be another abso fucking lovely, but it doesn't make it any less real or wrong. Right. Okay. There, there was a situation, um, a club years ago where somebody had a very intense scene and there were some people who thought that there was something wrong with it. And, um, you know, nothing was said during the scene. Right. You know, but afterwards there was a whole lot of Mm-Hmm. - B chatter fucking gossip and chatter.

- And, and the person who it was about basically kind of stood up and said, you know what? The person I was doing with this scene consented to everything I did. Mm-Hmm. . - Mm-Hmm. . - They consented to everything I did. They wanted to ha what happened to happen. Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, while it may have been extreme for a lot of you, this is what Mm-Hmm. . - Right. It does. You don't have to wanna fucking do it. Yeah. Don't if you don't like it. Mm-Hmm. don't do it. Ta-da.

In this situation, the part that pisses me off, I mean, part of it is the, to call it not real BDSM or it was torture or whatever, whatever the part of it is. This person labeled this gossipy so and so as a good friend. Mm-Hmm. for the question they're asking of how do I accept this? Get my mind around it. I think the part you have to accept is this person is not your friend. Right. A real friend either in the moment, if they genuinely thought you were in danger Mm-Hmm.

, they would've gone to seek help. Right. How do I stop the scene? I'm very worried about my friend. Mm-Hmm. . If they couldn't have done that, or they had their own freeze moment that happens in high stress moments. Yeah. They immediately, the moment they could contact you as a good friend and would've been like, are you okay? Mm-Hmm. , I am worried about you. Mm-Hmm. . But no, what they did was they went behind your back and they gossiped about you. They are not a good fucking friend.

- Right. Because again, and this, and this, and this is something that has been, um, talked about at an, at an, any number of dungeons dungeons, um, that I've been to. You know, they tell you if you are going to be doing an intent scene within the guidelines of what's allowed right at the dungeon, um, let the dms know. Mm-Hmm, Mm-Hmm. let them know beforehand. So that way if somebody does go to them and say, Hey, you know, this looks like a problem, the m can say, no, it's not.

We were aware of what was was going to happen. And, and - Here's the thing. This person, I mean, I'm pretty impressed. They're like, it's, it's been a while, but this is, we negotiated, I was very clear my communication that, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, they prepared for this fucking scene. I feel like in from the, and I mean, again, I get, I get it, it's subjective. They were that prepared.

I really think that if in their mind this was air quote, this real fucking hard extreme scene, 'cause that is so subjective, right? Yeah. That they probably would've then mentioned all the other fucking safety protocols they went through. This was an impact scene with two tops hitting a person. Yeah. Until they decided they were fucking done.

I mean, that not to be completely like, uh, there's a word I was looking for dismissive of anything, but I'm sorry, that sounds like the most fucking standard fucking scene in a dungeon I've ever fucking heard of. . So I have questions for the quote, good friend. And like, I'm not gonna kink shame and say that what they do isn't real. BDSM, but come on, gimme a goddamn break. Yeah. I know.

Like, we're not talking about, you know, there was like blood dripping everywhere, apparently, according to like, like I just, I just saw the live stream chat. They're like, rant number three. Sorry, . Um, - Hey, going out and bang before break. - You know, I, you know, I think the part that gets to me about this is not just the one true way as I'm thinking. Mm-Hmm. . And not just the, it's not, you know, I wouldn't do it, so nobody should do it. It's not just that. Yeah. Like, it's that.

It's the fact that this person thought that that was a good friend. And nothing grinds my goddamn gears more than people that you're supposed to be able to trust and depend on fucking gossiping about you and talking about behind about you and behind your back, and then you feeling fucking bad. Like you have to like, do something about this. No. They have just lost all the privilege of being your fucking friend. Right. And I'm the type of person, I would just literally never speak to them again.

'cause that's how I handle these things. Maybe this is how that person handle these things too. And you know, it, I, I would imagine it hurts them. They're, they sure they are upset by this. And I get to be righteously angry on their behalf and glad to fucking do it. Mm-Hmm. . But like, that's, that's not a fucking friend. - No, it's not. It's - A, it's not, I don't know the gender of anybody here, but the, the, uh, trope of the mean girlfriend. That's what it fucking sounds like. Mm-Hmm.

, I, you know, I'm so concerned about you that I can talk about you, but not to you. Fuck - You. Yeah. Eh, I I mean, we got Lola. Sorry, Lola, did Lola jump on that one? She's - Giving me a worried Look, - Y'all. Yeah. Come here. I mean, you know, there, there are things in kink that I don't like - Abso fucking, look, there are things I don't wanna watch. Like - No things, you know, un unlike you, if I'm, if I'm at a dungeon or party, I enjoy watching.

I don't scenes watch. I know you, we know, we know. I, I enjoy Now, you know, if somebody's doing something that, that I'm not into Mm-Hmm. . Alright. I'm not gonna be like, oh, you shouldn't do that. No, I'm gonna occupy myself doing something else while they, while they do that same, same thing, like on on, on fet. You know, if I see something, I'm, I just keep going right by it. - The principle applies in non kinky social media.

Everybody feels like they gotta share their opinion of something they didn't like that they saw online, when actually their mature response is just to fucking keep scrolling. You don't like the scene that you watched? Don't watch the - Scene. Right. - Or do something else or what? Mm-Hmm. the fuck ever. Mm-Hmm. . - Yeah. - Oh my God, that's, oh, I'm so upset on this person's behalf. - , right? Ooh, - .

Yeah. And I hope what this person actually has in their life are actual genuine, good friends. Yeah. Um, so that the loss of this fake friend is like a blip. Mm. And they know what genuine friendship feels like. Yes. I also, and we don't know the details of this person, like their age, their gender or whatever. I know, I know this happens throughout like any age that we might be, but I know it's tends to be really common for younger people.

Like, 'cause I remember like in my early, early to mid twenties, you still had that thought of the more friends you have, the better . And so you kept frenemies around 'cause you're like, but they're my friend. Then the most freedom I ever fucking had in life was maturing outta that. Or growing outta that. I don't wanna say maturing quality - Over quantity and - Dropping the fake friends. I mean, it got fucking peace in my life from that. Like, but it does happen at anybody's age.

Like, we can be blind to like people's faults or we can justify a way bad behavior, or we can be worried that we'll be left alone. Like that's, there's not an that's on an age thing, but still, but still there's a lack of emotional maturity on the air. Quote. Good friend, good friend's part. Mm-Hmm. Also, it's, it's somebody been, I think it was since said in the, uh, live chat is chat.

It's catty gossip. Yeah. Yep. Like, and I just, there's a reason I have like one and a half friends in my life, like close, close, like, know my, you know, government name and my kink life friends. Because I just don't, I don't have time or patience for that bullshit. Like, just, if I witness somebody in my sphere that's like that, I just immediately, even if I, if I can't physically do it, I immediately mentally and emotionally withdraw.

If you will talk about other people to me, you will ab absolutely talk about me to other people. Mm-Hmm. . I ain't got time for it. I don't care. Right. I do very well by myself. Thank you very much. So, yeah. Maybe my reaction is not the standard reaction, but whatever. Thank you. That was our last one. - Went out with a bang. I, - I don't know if I feel cleansed or if I'm a little pent up . I don't . I dunno. Normally this is like, like I got stuff wor of my own shit out of me somehow.

And right now I just feel like I need to go outside and primal scream. I don't know if the neighbors would appreciate that though. , . Look, if these people can go outside and like shoot their guns into the air, I should be able to go outside and just scream. Okay. But I also don't like to be perceived out in the actual world, so I probably won't. Um, oh my gosh, my heart's like pounding from that. You - Got your heart rate up on that one, didn't you? It did. - It did. It did. . Okay.

So that's all of our Reddit posts. Mm-Hmm. . If you are not currently on the kink side of Reddit and would like to be, uh, highly, um, uh, encourage that. The BDSM advice subreddit is very much a lot of the same. How do I do this? When the answer is always communicate, fucking always communicate. But every once in a while you get a gem. Um, and yeah, the mods are really good on that, uh, subreddit. They, if this doesn't fit or if it's gotten outta hand, they just shut shit down.

Um, but uh, some of the comments I've read, it's like, I might not agree with the advice, but you could see it's not, it's not harmful. Like it's genuinely like trying to be helpful and then continue to beg, plead something. Please, please. BDSM underscore, am I the asshole subreddit run by rah rah. Just, I I need more. I need more of your, am I the asshole questions? I'll bet money. You're not the fucking asshole, but maybe you are.

I don't know. , I've never been in the position to say to somebody's post, yeah, you're the asshole here. Unless we did one, maybe one. I was like, yeah, I think you're the asshole. But now I don't remember. I don't - Remember now. I - Don't know. , it lets me like deal with conflict issues without actual conflict. I don't know. Anyway. Anyway, we will do more of these in 2024. Mm-Hmm. abso fucking Absolutely.

Maybe one day I'll go back to being the, uh, organized professional I used to be and actually schedule these out. But , um, I'm not counting on it right now. Um, and yeah, we'll do a bonus section. I lost words. I just, - Okay. - Sorry. . . - I feel this like lump in my throat where there's still more something to get out. Like it started coming up and rising with the rants and it's not fully out. - It's like a pop that over boils. Once it starts, you know, it's hard to shut it down. Yeah.

Something. I get it. Anyway. I get it. Okay. - We'll - Do it on a section now. - Are we good? I - Don't know. Keep, - Keep it kiy y'all. - We'll see you in technically Friday, December 15th and then in 2024. Daddy. - Yes baby girl. - Can - I talk to the crickets please? - No. - Okay. - . - Wow, you took that better than I thought. If - You would like to sit in silence while people stare at us, you go right ahead. . - . - Here's the thing.

I can't talk to them, but I can talk to you and I will keep up a stream of consciousness. - . - Not because I can't handle silence 'cause I'm okay with comfortable silence, but it's not comfortable when there's however many people just like staring at their screen or listening through their earbuds going, what the fuck is going on? Did they just stop? Did the whole thing just is my, is my app not working? Did they freeze? What's happening here?

And then we've caused confusion and chaos where it didn't need to be. I prefer confusion and chaos that is like fun and noisy. Well, not too noisy 'cause that's overstimulating, - But I am the chaos goblin. - No, you're the sadistic bastard. . I thought we established that. I can't believe like I get you edging mentally or physically me and I even get you kind of doing it to the audience. But you're usually a kinder, gentler soul to the audience. mostly.

'cause they haven't yet consented to you mentally or physically edging them. Like I consented. I get it. I signed up for this. But don't worry, the people I'm not talking to will know that, that, you know, they're not being ignored. I, you and I, we'll keep, we'll keep going. Let's, let's make our Christmas plans. Let's, you know, what are we doing for New Year's other than the show? I mean, what do, what do you wanna talk about? Daddy, - Go ahead. - Thank you .

Uh, by the way, yes. I still contend I'm not a bra - After all that. Yep, - Yep, yep, yep, yep. . Oh, oh, Andre. Yes. I saw your picture. I'm fat. I'm glad the paddle arrived. Mm-Hmm. and sin. You're right. The crickets are agents of chaos. I'm okay with that. I fucking love it. . Um, and after all that, uh, I didn't have anything specific to talk about. I just wanted to like, be here with folks. That's .

That's all. I didn't have like a, oh, lemme tell you this thing because mostly it's home stuff. The, uh, the oldest came home for just over 24 hours. Uh, picked him up Monday afternoon from his apartment. Dropped him off Tuesday night. I did two, two trips like that. Mm-Hmm. . I'm tired. Uh, but it was glad, I was glad to have him home. Um, he'll be home again on the 21st and then stay home for a few days through Christmas.

Um, Lola's been, uh, I don't know what to call her today, but she's just been - Restless. Yeah. - Yeah. Back and forth. You know what? I think, I think we were lulled into a false sense of security. We recorded this morning, the Monday video slash podcast episode, and she did not want to come in, go out. Mm-Hmm. She like, normally we're like, oh shit, there's Lola a wooing in the background, which I've started to just let it fucking stay in the record. like, whatever. I'm not editing that out.

Um, at least on the video. Um, and she wasn't even around to like, do it. No. Like she was just napping on the couch. - So, and then when we started recording this, um, Onyx came in the room. Mm-Hmm. . And she was overly interested in what Onyx was doing. Yes. - And Onyx is being, what's the phrase I've heard used on the interwebs? A stage five Clinger with you? Yeah. Like she's more of a stage three with me. Like if I stand still near a flat surface, she will jump up there.

And like in her very raspy meow demand attention. Mm-Hmm. . But you, she jumped in your lap this morning while you were sitting at your desk and you were still wearing your fuzzy robe, which is the exact same color as Onyx. So all you can sometimes see are her - Blends eyes blend. Yeah. - And she got comfy, did a full loaf. Like her tail was completely tucked. Not a full loaf 'cause one paw was out, but it literally wrapped around him like she was hugging him .

I was like, okay, am I being like, is she trying to edge me out here and be like, no, this is my man. - Well that was, that was like the third or fourth time she had gotten in my lap this morning. And - Is, as she's aging and maturing, is she maybe gonna settle down and be less skittish? - Maybe. - I mean, she's moving at us nails fucking pace about it. Yeah. Not with you, with you. She's like, you know, you're the cat whisper. You're, you're her, you're her daddy as much as you're mind.

Mm-Hmm. . Um, with me, it's just a, oh yes, I I demand affection from you in this instance. Don't, don't give it to me any other time or any other way or, Mm-Hmm. . But Yeah. But yeah. I mean, we have been working, but we slowed down a bit because Yeah. You know, we uh, it's, it's funny to me how quickly what you perceive as quote normal can shift and change.

We in a very short amount of time kind of got adjusted to Black Friday levels of orders coming in and just like being smacked in the face with like Yeah. How busy we are. And then it slowed down after our Black Friday sale ended, which makes total sense. And then we were sitting around going, oh my gosh, why is December so slow? It's really not for how to find months, but it's - Like compared to what it was. Right. Yeah.

- It feels all weird. So yeah, we're still working, but I think I've probably spent as much time dealing with parenting stuff this week as I have with work stuff. So, whereas at the end of November it was very much a, oh, I'm somebody's mother. I'm so sorry. You're gonna have to wait a second. I got shit to do. Hmm. Do you want Christmas this year? You need me to go work? Um, but yeah, , so yeah. - I mean me, I'm looking forward to the break. Um, Mm-Hmm.

, I probably still will be doing some work, just not Yeah. In the, uh, frenzy Frenetic, - Yeah, yeah. - Pace that I've been going at. Sure. - I mean, yeah. 'cause we, we have sold out of some stuff that we'd like to Mm-Hmm. , uh, get back in stock and there's some things you're like personal stuff, projects you're working on. Yeah. You know? Yeah. But, Mm-Hmm.

you've proclaimed many times to me now many times as if I might forget that the moment the break starts, he will not be waking up to an alarm. - That's right. - Several times I have heard this like Got it, got it, got it. . - Well, you know what, why I'm doing that? Because I'm trying to get it set in my subconscious. Oh. So that I don't, you know, automatically wake up at 6:00 AM - I mean, there've been a couple days. You did a really good job of not waking up early and I was the first one up.

You were. Which is a strange - Phenomenon. You were - Um, it throws my whole morning routine off. 'cause I have , I have a routine of how I get out of bed because it's usually I'm the last one out of bed. So it's like Mm-Hmm. , get up, go to the bathroom, put clothes on. 'cause yes, we sleep naked. Uh, make the bed do. And I have a whole like, order and system that I do my mornings. And when I wake up first, that's just shot to fucking hell. And my brain goes, what? Okay, how do I do this?

What, what happens next? So, but I'm always happy to see you like getting some extra sleep. Yeah. So it's not like I'm gonna come wake you up and be like, you're fucking up my routine, man. What are we doing here? ? Like, I'm not gonna do that. - Good thing you don't. - No, I'm not that brave or stupid. I mean, let's be real. I'd have to be both. And I'm neither thankfully , So Oh my goodness. I feel like there's other stuff. But we also have the Friday night live stream.

Mm-Hmm. . Which podcast listeners? That's the day this episode comes out. Yeah. Um, I mean that will be shenanigans. Oh yeah. The first 30 minutes will not be the nine 30 to 10 o'clock, like half hour. That's just, we gotta ease into shit. Okay. , we gotta like get settled. Um, but yeah, from 10 o'clock on, and we don't have to be anywhere Saturday morning, which is the first time in a hot minute that we haven't had like, an obligation on like a Saturday morning.

So that means when we go to bed, we, we can really sleep in. Hopefully. Maybe please go on, uh, . So that'll, that will be nice. Yeah. Um, - And uh, yeah, I need to do some, uh, I have been pushing so much. It's like, you know, on, on a normal time come Friday, you know, I kinda, I sweep up the shop, I clean up, you know, and put things away. No, that has not been happening for a while now. No. I walked, I walked - In on Saturday to grab something out of the shop.

Your jacket was over here. A half finished thing was there. I was like, what did he just like go fuck it, I'm out. And turned around to walk out. Like, what the hell? Or it was more like you wandered away and forgot to wander back. I didn't know, but I was like, this is, this is not normal. - Yeah. Not normal. That's, uh, so, so yeah, that's, uh, something that's on the radar too to kind of get things a little cleaned up, you know? Mm-Hmm. - . Mm-Hmm. . Oh God. Silent .

I feel like either I've, it's a, a warning, a promise. silent is basically telling me that my ass is, uh, grass come Friday night for the demos for dollars. . Nope. No. I don't need you doing the evil laugh too. God damnit, . Um, what else? There's probably other things. I'm just like, my brain is perpetually fried right now. Like I can Mm-Hmm. I can do what needs to be done. But like, intricate thought . Oh, well today, this is actually the second time.

It's happened in the past like day and a half. But today I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. 'cause I had convinced myself that a paddle that needed to be made to order from the Black Friday sale we had, which we guaranteed would be shipped out by a certain date if you've ordered during the Black Friday sale. I was convinced I had somehow forgotten to prep it so JB could make it.

And I'm like, oh my God, I'm trying to make notes of like, like after the live stream, make sure you prep this paddle so it can be made and then we'll put a rush order on it, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then I like was walking sort of racing back over to where we keep orders as we get them made and we're ready to ship them. And it was there, I just hadn't seen it, but it was in the spot it belonged in and my eyes had gone right over it.

And I'd gone into an immediate panic and I was like, I need a nap. But what I got instead was an espresso . And then I was sad 'cause I let myself atmosphere. I'll see , I let myself try something new, which I'm not always good at. Um, at Dunking. 'cause there, if you have the Dunking app in December, you can get a iced or hot medium latte for $2. Great. Mm-Hmm. . And if I can get it for cheap or free, I will try new flavors.

But if I had to fucking pay for it, it has to be something I know I like. Yeah. So I'm like, oh. And I had to pay for it, but it was $2. So I ordered their brown sugar cookie. Like I got an ice latte with their brown sugar cookie. I think it's called syrup. I hadn't tried it before. It's fucking delicious. I will be getting it. But I like to get oat milk in my lattes 'cause Ooh, regular, regular. Not lactate milk. Nope. Not doing it. So I'm like, oh, I'll get oat milk. I like oat milk.

Get to the drive-thru. Like we're out of oat milk. I was so goddamn disappointed. I was like, this is not the latte I signed up for. But did I still drink every drop of this? Every fucking drop? Yes. Yeah, you did. I did have to bring it home and doctor it. 'cause almond milk is fine, but it's, I like oat milk better. I dunno. And I don't consider myself like an oat milk girly. Like only in my lattes when normally you'd put like whole milk or something in Oh yeah. Yeah. - . Yeah. - I don't know.

I'm chaotic today as always. Like, I don't know why I act like it's a special thing or a random thing. No, no. I'm just, you know what I realize part of it is, I don't know if I can say that I mask, maybe that's what somebody else would say. Because I don't have any official like, diagnoses and I don't, you know, I just have feelings about using certain terminology. But if that's what I usually do when I'm in this space with y'all, I don't feel like I have to as much Mm-Hmm.

. Like, I don't like Yeah. I wanna come across as knowledgeable . I want to effectively communicate my thoughts on a subject. So either I help somebody or I spark a thought in a conversation for somebody else. Or what, you know, the things we try to do here. Yes. Um, , but letting my inner goofball out and just going, you know what, this is a chaotic mind in here. You can look at some of it with me. You know, , I just, it's a comfort thing where I'm like, yeah.

And you know, I know that, that not everybody vibes with it and likes it. And those folks tend to see themselves out and that's fine. You know, we should all get to only consume the content that you actually like and that when you vibe with the people and if you don't vibe with us, my feelings are not hurt. Go forth, find who you vibe with. But yeah.

'cause I think it was, um, was it Junie who said it at the top of the stream in the live chat where I was podcast listeners, you could not actually see, but I bet you could tell from my voice. I was all over the place. Mm-Hmm. and Judy was like, the hand stems. I was like, yeah. The, the hand stems . Yeah. See what y'all can't, what y'all don't get to witness is the basically constant movement I do like in the kitchen. If I have to stand still and wait for something, I'm not standing still.

You're not Who stands still? You're not. There's no standing still or the constant noise. I like, I'll either be super, super quiet. That's when my brain is loud. Quite frankly. The quieter I physically am, the louder the brain is. Or I'm just constantly making noise. I'm not always speaking intelligible words. I'm always making noise. And I just thought that was normal until I started learning about my kids' diagnoses. And I was like, ah, , it's normal to me.

'cause it's what I do. And nobody, to my knowledge, I don't have any memories of anybody ever making me feel weird about it. Mm-Hmm. But I do know that I only do that in places where I'm extremely comfortable. Excuse me. Like I do know enough to, I don't just do that out at random Mm-Hmm. If I find myself doing that in like, out in public randomly, oh, I get really like freaked out. Like what am I doing? But that mm-Hmm mm-Hmm mm-Hmm.

Of course with all of that being said, the first thing the 18-year-old says to me when he gets in the car, when I go to pick him up Yeah. On what Monday. He's like, when are you gonna go get yourself dealt with mom ? Well, I, it feels like an old tired excuse to go when I finally can check all of you. You guys off my fucking list. 'cause everybody else has issues. I don't wanna say that as a parent.

'cause I don't want my kids to think that they are the reason that I'm somehow not doing something for myself. But anybody who's a parent knows that taking care of your kids will often, if not always come first. Yeah. And they have needs and I'm gonna focus on them. Mm-Hmm. JB has needs, and I'm gonna focus on them, but the oldest gets more and more, more aware that there's life beyond him. He's like, when are you gonna do with you? Mm-Hmm.

And he always like, has this kind of like, look and this like, hmm. Like all of that. And I'm like all of that. It's what's makes me memorable, quirky, even though I don't love the term quirky, but whatever. Like quirky. There's something about quirky. It's like, I don't know, I can't put into words what I don't like about it. Mm-Hmm. . Like, I don't mind it as a word in general, but when somebody says I am quirky, I'm like, Hmm. That feels, what's the word? There's a word reductive.

It's reductive. Mm-Hmm. Yeah. Oh, Judy. Yeah. That child is extremely, like, he's self-aware and he's Oh yeah. Starting to use that power externally and Yeah. He, yeah, he's very emotionally intelligent. And I, I love that for him. He's struggling socially sometimes because he's like, he's being real self-aware and his friends are like, oh, it's okay. You don't, your feelings are valid. And he was like, no, no, that's not, let me translate into like, and I'm like, I'm like, oh,

I guess I know where you got it from. I - . Oh goodness. So - Yeah. Um, I, I'm, I don't know. I could stay here all day. I, I don't, I have to like go do other things. Um, I don't have anything even to talk about or say. I could just be, I don't know. I ke I have threatened for more than a year to just do random lives or we're not actually like educating, informing, or even entertaining and just like be there on live with people.

I think it's because what I want to do is under certain circumstances with specific people and certain people actually be around people. But I have to do it online because in per, we're all scattered across the fucking world. But I mean, do people just do that they just go live with no agenda, no purpose. Whoever shows up, we're just, so then there'll be like minutes of silence 'cause you're just existing.

I don't know. I'm sure somebody does that because if you can have a thought, it means somebody else has or also had the thought and probably done the thing. Mm-Hmm. . But yeah, I would just do that. But I also recognize I that's a lot of us. Like I don't usually drink espresso and I did not get a decaf. Do not get a decaf. - Yeah. I wisely got the decaf. 'cause that's my third coffee today. - Right. That was my second. And it's like only a couple of shots of espresso.

It's not a big drink. So , it's fine. But also my, my mind has been like chaotic even before I had espresso. So. Yeah. So can I really blame the espresso? Probably not. - Probably not. Probably not. Oh gosh. - Okay. We should probably go. Yeah. I have things I have to do before I have to go do other things. Mm-Hmm. before I can then do even more things. Yep. I'm planning on going out in the shop. I saw you had your work clothes, like laid out. Yeah.

Laid out and ready to go. Yep. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. We're gonna go, we'll be back on YouTube. Live that part. Friday, December 15th. Podcast listeners. That's the day this episode goes live. 9:30 PM Eastern. Uh, yeah. Hopefully we'll see you then. Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye. I'm hitting.