You're listening to loving BDSM podcast episode four seventy one. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only. I'm so glad you have patience with me when I drone on and on and on trying to record an episode that's supposed to be short, but somehow is thirty minutes. And now we're late for our own livestream. John Brownstone. Yeah. You know it's a topic I love. It's for Monday's episode for anybody who is hearing this, as it goes live.
Yeah. So, if you also watch the livestream and now you're listening to the podcast, that's why we were late. Anyway, we're gonna try to get straight to it. This week, I'm hoping at least one of us will rant because it's time to respond to the kinky side of Reddit, and I did pick one of these one of these, situations. I picked it because it pissed me the fuck off. Yep. So we'll see. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have
you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. And also, if you're a regular listener and you love what you're hearing, we would love a rating slash review of whatever the highest number star thingy is on your preferred podcast app.
You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever motherfucking hate with with the passion of a thousand fiery sun. It's loving d s and the number one. So it's at loving d s one or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. Before we get into, the episode this week's episode,
one announcement. There's probably others I should be saying. Can't remember them, so we're gonna go with the one I have written down. That is we are still in our Patreon membership drive for 2026. If you you can join for as little as $2 a month. Everybody who joins is a paid member. There's a free membership thing that Patreon allows that I didn't sign up for, and you kinda don't get shit with the free one. You gotta pay to get the stuff and you can join for as little as $2 a month. You
get access to our Discord server. You get, a behind the scenes podcast episode every month. We are talking 2025, we started doing this and we're continuing for 2026. We talk about our relationship, the state of our power exchange, and things we're doing to work on our power exchange. And then every other month we alternate between a movie night and a game night for February. It's a game night. We play an online version of Cards Against Humanity. So that's what we're doing this month.
If you go for higher tier, you get more stuff. The thing with joining during our membership drive what are words? Is two things. One, everybody who is a member during the membership drive will get something in the mail after the membership drive. So if you're in the 2 and $5 tiers, you will get, a loving BDSM sticker pack. It will have very specific to loving BDSM stickers. I've got a Lola Agrees sticker. I can't believe I haven't made it yet and offered it up before. I just
do what daddy says sticker. I keep it kinky. I like that kind of stuff. Also, I'm gonna put in a proud cricket sticker so that folks who wanna put something out where people can see it, you're not getting clocked. But and then if you are in the $10 tier during our membership drive, you will get, the sticker pack thing and an enamel pin, p I n pin. I'm southern. Pin, p e n, and pin, p I n. I say it the same because that's how we do it here.
And so that's the main thing for joining during the membership drive. But if you join as an annual member where you pay for the year upfront, you get two months free if you sign up during a membership drive. The link is patreon.com/kaylalords because I started a Patreon before I started a podcast. And the link is in the places. Yeah. So what else was I gonna say? We appreciate all of our kinky patrons. There was a time the lights stayed on because of our Patreon.
We would not probably still be doing this all these years later without it. No. So yeah. If you like what we do and you wanna help us do more of it, we'd love it if, it's in your budget to join Patreon. I am so out of it. I forgot to click the special button so that our, YouTube fundraiser shows up. So I gotta get better at that shit. So, yeah. Now we can go into the, Reddit episode.
And what I will do when we get to the bonus section, hopefully somebody will help me remember, I'll go off camera to click the appropriate fucking buttons because it doesn't do any good to have a fundraiser if you don't have it out for folks to see. Over here on YouTube, we are trying to fundraise for Campaign for Southern Equality because that it's an organization that helps the LGBTQ plus community in the South, and they were extremely pivotal in helping us figure out how to
get medical care for our youngest. So so so so okay. K. Trying to get to the first one. Here we go. Guiding my dom to be a dom is exhausting. Help. My boyfriend, 24 male, and I, 21 female, are both equally into BDSM. We're both inexperienced and each other's firsts. I love him to bits, but I've realized that he struggles to truly Dom without me guiding him. I constantly have to direct him in bed like what like what to do,
how to do it, what comes next. Sometimes I'll explain, to him that I want what I want before a session, but in the middle, he still gets a bit lost and asks me what I want next. I want to tell him that this can be a turn off and that it's tiring to manage him during play, but I don't want to hurt him. Also, he uses the exact degradation lines that I've given him ideas about earlier. He doesn't say anything new slash
creative from his side. So if I tell him prior to do some foreplay, spank me, call me a particular title, and have sex, then he'll do exactly all that in that very particular order and no creativity from him. When this happens, I feel far less submissive and more like the one in charge. I need help figuring out how to address this. I don't wanna hurt him either. They did add an edit apparently as a response to comments. No. Being a Dom doesn't work for me. I don't wanna be a and I don't
wanna be a dom bottom. Like Yeah. They just wanna be submissive and want their boyfriend to be the dom. And and, you know, before we even got to that point, I kind of felt like roles were a little switched. Yeah. So that's it's kinda tough in one way. I mean, they haven't had the conversation. They need to have the tough conversation. Yeah. I there are ways to tell somebody an important and true thing without Yeah.
Hurting their feelings, but also you are not responsible for what they how they feel about a thing they don't like hearing. Like, you're responsible for how you present the information. Sure. But their feelings are their own to manage, so have the damn conversation for sure. Definitely have to have that conversation, because nothing's gonna change until you do. Mhmm. You know? Or the possibility of change at least. Right. So When you first real you said, yeah. I'll do the Dom
thing. Mhmm. And it was your first partner situation. I don't mean necessarily long term, but, like, you were doing the Dom thing with another human. Right. How did you prepare for like, did you how did you figure out what you wanted to after the conversation about what they wanted and the boundaries and the limits, but you were like, okay. Now I have to go make this thing happen. How did you figure out for yourself how to make the thing happen?
It was just a process of mulling it over and and, you know, deciding what to do. The how long had you kind of been exploring kink, learning about kink? I know you you started with munches and being part of the community. How long had you done all of that prior to your first, like, scene and instance as a dog? I would say probably, usually a year. So I I say all of that for a purpose. Mhmm. This child
has they're both inexperienced. Has this dog gone off to learn anything, or is he solely relying on what his partner tells him? Right? Because if she is the source of his education and the only source, then all he knows to do is exactly what she told him. He needs to go off independently and go, okay. What does it mean to be a dom? How can I be a dom? What are the kinks? How do I do the kinks? Because the more you know that information, one, you know more or less about is this who I am
and what I want? But two, now we're learning how do I plan a scene? What is you know, what what do other people do for degradation play and this play and that play? Because if if he doesn't know anything beyond what his submissive partner is telling him, he can't reproduce anything but what his submissive partner reproduces. Yeah. Now is, you know, is it a I don't know where to go situation? Cool. Cool. Cool. There are resources out there.
Right. It's not really as simple as saying just Google it because good lord you'll find porn, and that's not gonna help anybody. But, you know Or is he just not really into it? And there is that and that's really the conversate that's the conversation that needs to Right. Happen. This this is a partner needs to go, hey. You are only doing exactly what I tell you to do and I'm not feeling submissive as a result. And then semicolon, are you into this? Is this what you want? And and they
she indicates that he has said, yes. This is what I want. So then the next question is, okay. What are you doing to learn about this without me? Now they can learn together. Of course. They could go to workshops or munches, do online stuff together. But is he showing enough interest to wanna go off and do that work? Mhmm. And what if not, what? Is it a lack of interest? He's really not into being a dom. Is it he doesn't know where to start? Is it he's afraid and or overwhelmed?
You know what I mean? There's, like, all kinds of reasons people don't do the thing they and as as a lifelong procrastinator, there are many reasons why I don't do the thing I say I wanna do. Right? So that's another part of the conversation. But he's gotta take responsibility for that at some point to go to decide
for himself what he wants. And if this is what he wants, you gotta educate yourself to find out what it means, what it looks like to be a dom, and then you can start kinda going, okay. Well, how do I wanna do a scene and incorporate this stuff? Right. And you know, another thing I was thinking of because, you know, again, this is something I went through in the beginning is is her boyfriend feeling any shame? Yeah. Over any of this. Yeah. You know, and that could be a big inhibitor as well.
Yep. But again, too, that comes back to the tough conversation, you know. Right. We find out what, you know, the only way nobody's a mind reader. The only way you're gonna find out is talking. And and talking is not just a, hey. Do you still wanna do this? Yeah. And you're done. It's it's a explaining how you feel, explaining what you see, and asking more than one question. You know? Are you uncertain? Do you know, does this make you feel weird? You know, you don't you might not
know to go, are you feeling shame? But you can say, does this make you feel weird to do this? Are you uncertain? Are you unsure? What what are what are your what are his expectations That's another conversation to have. Yeah. You know, does he know all I mean, I guess, like, in a way, he does know hers because she's she's very clear. And I'm very proud of her Yes. For being very clear about what she wants. Yes. That's a good start. But, yeah, you know, what what are his expectations in all
this? What does he want to get out of being a Dom? Right. And, I think it was Silent said in the the live chat. It's like, you know, is he really into it, or did he just say yes because he's a people pleaser? Mhmm. There are plenty of partners out there that will say yes to whatever their partner wants to do because they wanna make them happy. And that's great if we're talking about, like, certain physical acts, maybe. But I think many of us want our
level. You know? Especially as the submissive. It's like my whole goal is for you to take charge and to do the things and to maybe surprise me just a little bit within my limits and bounds, not to take stage direction. The other thing in the asking in the middle, two things. One, is that his awkward way of checking in. Right? Two, does he frequently have memory issues and or
focus issues? Not focus maybe at the time, but, like, when you're trying to talk to him and you tell him something, does he forget half of it? A few minutes later, all the the neurodivergent folks in listening are going, does he have ADHD? Not everything is ADHD. Sometimes an executive function issue is is separate to something else. There's other issues. Sometimes people aren't paying fucking attention because they're not paying attention. But that's another thing to be thinking
about. Because if he's only doing what you tell him to do and in the middle is like, oh, shit. I forgot the next step. There's you know? There are I have no doubt. Doms with executive function issues and or ADHD and or anything that fucks with their memory have come up with tools and ways and means to keep themselves on track. Right? But that just if that's the case, that just shows he needs he needs the education part. He needs to talk to other doms and see what other people do and learn
and learn and learn and learn Yep. And learn. Mhmm. Anything else you wanna add to that one? Okay. Okay. Where'd my mouse go? Okay. Next one. This is not the one that pissed that I picked just because it pissed me off, but I got some questions. Okay. Nerves feeling frayed after extreme protocol routine. My Dom put me on a very strictly defined routine. One, no alcohol or drugs. Two, no junk food. None. Three, good sleep hygiene.
Four, working out every single day except the occasional rest day as needed. Five, six to eight hours on my feet every single day. This was during a time when he was really busy with work and we weren't able to communicate much. Anyway, I kinda went obsessive about it in his absence. I'd count the time on my feet down to the second. I stopped hanging out with my friends. If it interfered with my routine, he said I'd have to do this. I did this for a total of
three months. I also started an isotretinoin treatment during the second month. It was quite brutal. Except when sleeping, my legs are in pain for three months straight. The objective was to learn resilience. One month since the routine ended and I only feel more fragile. My nerves are frayed. Any critical remarks from him, even when he's right, and I spiral and start crying incessantly and start apologizing. I feel like I need a break. I'm
not feeling like myself. I don't get wet anymore while watching porn, not even while talking to him which has never happened. I don't remember the last time I touched myself. Every other emotion except anxiety and dread has flattened out. I didn't do anything that I didn't agree to. What's happening? Why have I become like this? Let us just preface this with we are not medical professionals or, psychologists, therapists, or anybody in the mental health
field. So the actual why is all speculation and, like, armchair Yeah. Pop psychology on our part, but the other part we got opinions. I saw JB's face. We got opinions. Go ahead, Jimmy. You know, I listening to all this is as you're reading through it, and and the first thing that came in my mind is, like, okay. Maybe this is not for you. The the submission or the routine? The the routine that that she's under, you know. They, we don't know. They. And, you know,
that's entirely possible. I mean, let's face it, you know, every you can try things in lifestyle, not everything you're gonna like. Mhmm. You know? So some people like high protocol, some people don't. Especially if trying to do said high protocol sends you into an obsessive thing where that's all you can focus on. Right. Like, that's that's not good. I don't think that ends well for anybody.
No. But, you know, yeah. I think I'd have you know, they would might want to rethink some of these things. Yeah. Anything else you want to add? I don't want to interrupt you, any more than I normally do. Okay. Here's the thing. So I recognize everybody has different types of submission, and I know that I am not built for high protocol because I would agree to do all kinds of things for my dom. But I'm gonna be like, okay. Why am I doing this? What purpose
does it serve? Not everybody is like that, and I know there are some power exchange where they would say that that's not appropriate. But if we're negotiating things for me to do, I get to ask my questions. And the objective was to learn resilience. I don't know how that teaches resilience. Yeah. Resilience is learned in a in a shit
ton of ways. And, yes, it is often learned through doing going through something difficult and doing a thing that is challenging to you, but resilience is also learned through, like, life fucking with you and making you live through a challenging time and getting through it in some way to get to the other side of it. So, you know, did she need to learn did they need to learn resilience? Let's start there. But was there any deeper explanation for wild? And that Mhmm. That's just at
the beginning. That I don't think that would explain all of what they're going through, but I do think there other than the power trip of you do what I say, you know, blah blah blah. And, yes, people do that, and there's fun in that. And yeah. But this kind of grueling stuff and saying, oh, you're probably gonna, like, miss out on stuff with your friends to do these things. I told you to. I'm I wanna start with what is the reason behind it. What
purpose does it serve? Now that's kind of, like, an aside because here's the thing that fucking stood out to me. I'm gonna have you do all of these really fucking hard things that you've probably never fucking done before, and he's really busy with work and can't communicate much. There is something to be said in power exchange for not needing to constant be in constant constant communication. Mhmm. Some people's lives just don't allow for it.
It's a good thing to create routines that you both can, like, are aware of that can help blah blah. But you are asking your partner to to do something that they've never done before, potentially, and it is grueling, and you're not keeping in touch with them to go, how are you feeling? How is it going? Checking in to make sure they're handling it. Were they able to tell their partner, my legs are in constant pain? How if they told them, what was the reaction?
The reaction should have been, oh, maybe we need to put that on pause because you're not actually supposed to be in constant pain. Right? The I'm I don't like to make blanket statements, but here's the blanket statement I have for this. I read this as this person was traumatized by their fucking dom. Whether their dom meant to or not, whether they were being an asshole or it's just their style of dominance or not, they were put through a fucking
ringer Yeah. Went through physical pain in the comments at six to eight hours on my feet every single day. People had questions in the comments about what does that mean? Yeah. They this dom literally wanted them to stand up, whatever they were doing, be on their feet for that many hours a day. Just whatever they just stand. Just stand. Don't sit. Wow. Right. Wow. Right. So Wow.
I I can bet you'd be crying. If you did not get feedback during this time, if your partner did not check-in and then and or if they did, they didn't do anything about the fact you're saying that you're in pain. I hope that Mhmm. The submissive told them I'm in pain. If they didn't, that's a little bit harder. You've gotta communicate those things. But if they said I'm in pain and their dom did fuck all about it Yeah. To change the plan, like, yeah. I'd be crying too because did you
get positive feedback for doing hard things? That is part of it. Like, you're gonna do a hard thing because your dom asked you to, you agreed to it. You gotta hear from that dom that the doing of the hard thing is worth it and to make it worth it in some way. Not everybody needs the same kind of feedback, but everybody fucking needs feedback. I still go back to why why these things specifically. My uncharitable side is like, that sounds like a fucking power trip.
Because three of those rules three of those rules, maybe four, the first four, yeah, that's all good for you stuff. Right? Mhmm. Number five, that sounds like a fucking power trip. I can get this person to do it because I said to do it, and they'll do it even when they're in pain. Because even if the pain has gone away now, the you remember that pain. Your body remembers that pain. That was a stressor.
Without then the support, it doesn't sound like, of the person who asked you to do this for them, how are you not, like, spiraling and crying? Yeah. You know? I don't know how to tell because I'm not a professional medical professional or, you know, a, mental health professional. And I kinda wish I was to actually give some helpful fucking advice because what do you do to to work through this? I wish I knew. I would a kink, aware therapist? Start there because I
this is a blanket statement. I don't usually do those, but that sounds like fucking trauma to me. Not intentional necessarily, but all of that and then he couldn't communicate much, so you were left to do it on your own and the only reason you're doing it is for this person. Maybe there was something in there about wanting to prove, you know, to yourself that you could do these hard things too and that you were air quote good or real air big fat fucking air quotes submissive?
Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. Like there's all kinds of, like, personal, what are the words? There's a word I want. I can't think of the word. Personal reasons to do things. Right? Personal motivation. Personal motivations to do stuff. Right? But if not if all of that is incongruent with the way you're you're being treated and the connection you have with the person who has asked you to do this,
that that's a fucking lot. I you know, is there a part of you that's angry that he this person asked you to do all of these things and that caused pain and it stressed you out? I don't like anything that says, oh, you'll do this thing for me and yet means you probably won't get to see your friends. That is one step away from I control who you get to see. Right? It's it's like right on the border. Right?
Because, yeah, there are times I'm doing something for my relationship and it means I don't get to go do something else that's fun. Right. That's a choice I get to make. But to set, an itinerary like this, of what you're supposed to do nearly or literally every single day. And part of that means, yeah, you'll miss out on doing stuff with your friends. Sucks to suck. That's that's just too close to the line of abuse. Yeah. No. I don't I don't know how you are excited or happy
Yeah. With this purse when you're just even with this person. You know? Because they caused harm regardless of what their fucking intention was. Now I can be a bitch and read into it and go, that sounds like a fucking power trip to me, but I'm trying to be respectful of actual high protocol relationships because I don't I don't have experience with them. I don't know enough about them. I don't want to, you know, belittle the thing. Yeah.
I mean You come on. You know, like anything else in in lifestyle, you know, while high protocol is a very regimented thing, it's not meant to cause harm. No. No. It's fine to be challenging physically or mentally. There's nothing wrong with something being challenging, but it should not. Challenging and pushing boundaries is one thing. Right. Right. I mean, good God. It let's say this person just loves junk food, and for a set amount of time they agreed to no junk food.
That's a challenge on its fucking own, especially if they happen to live in The US. We are surrounded by it. It is everywhere. Can't get away from it all. Can't get away from it. One of those things would be a challenge. I I really dislike number five. Six to eight hours on my feet every single day, regardless of what you're doing, like just and then they became, like they said, they became obsessive. They're down to the second, and I
relate to that. If you tell me a thing I'm supposed to do and there's a time limit for it, I get very uncomfortable if I'm a minute, I stop a minute early. I think, oh no, I've I've done a bad, I've not I've not lived up to the spirit of the thing, like I just Yeah. I I don't like anything about this. I one through four, we all need some of that to some extent. Five, to go through the physical pain, to not have consistent communication, to not be getting feedback, to not feel supported.
Like, subs do difficult things for their doms all the fucking time. Things that push them. Things that, you know, make them uncomfortable in a way that's, like, safe uncomfortable. Right? Like, not, like, coercive or nonconsensual, but, like, oh, I've never done this before. Am I capable of it? That kind of uncomfortable. But how how is it okay to do it without a supportive dom? In whatever way that looks like for them. I don't I don't like it. I don't
like it. It sounds traumatic. And I it feels like the way they're responding is like somebody who has faced trauma and is still dealing with it. I don't like it. Throw the whole dom away is all I'm saying. I don't I don't like it at all. Anything you'd like to add? Okay. Let's go to the next one. Oh, this is a long one. Okay. Sub just told me I'm acting like a sub and she's not into it. I feel like I'm screwed, but I'm gonna try and recover. It's been hell these past few weeks.
I moved my female 33 sub, female 36, halfway across The USA to move in with me, had to help pack and load most of her stuff myself, drove through a blizzard for thirty six hours straight, moved her in, started a new school semester, and put down my cat of twelve years aggressive cancer, all within five days. Add my fifty hour work week into that and ending things with my other sub in the days following and I'm a little tired.
We don't have a twenty four hour dynamic to be clear though I just ask her if that's what she if that's what she wants. I think it's because the other day in the grocery store parking grocery store parking lot, it caught up to her and I I caught up to her. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry, y'all. Part of it's typos. Part of it's my my me. We don't have a twenty four hour dynamic to be clear, though I just
asked her if that's what she wants. I think it's because the other day in the grocery store parking lot, I caught up to her and put my arm through hers playfully. She pulled away and compared it to a formal ball and how it felt like she was leading me. I'm ignorant to things like that, I admit. She's from a completely different tax bracket than I am so maybe it's a cultural or whatever you want to call
it thing. I've also never danced in any formal way so I'm still a bit confused on how linking arms is leading anyone, but she doesn't like it and somehow that made me come off as submissive. Then last night after a huge fight with someone else, I was a bit emotional. I'm not proud of it but I was. I haven't had time to recover from anything and then I had some nasty things at work. EMS MCI, if you know, you know?
And it's burning me out. She then decides to join me while I'm eating and tell me I've been acting submissive lately but can't or just won't elaborate. She then asks to take it back and I say no. Something I'm doing is obviously bothering you. I bring up the grocery store again and she tries to explain it but I'm just more confused. At this point, all I know is it's
bad. Don't do it. She never gave me an answer as to what I'm doing that's submissive, which is totally fine because I'm a switch or something, but it just doesn't work for her. I don't even know how I'm acting submissive other than being a bit emotional because I'm a bit at the end of my rope and haven't had a moment to breathe in a
few weeks now. Maybe it's because I'm trying to make her more comfortable in her new home on the other side of the country, and I'm being what I thought was agreeable to new furniture and ways of running my house. I don't honestly know, and she won't tell me what's wrong. I put the Dom's stuff on hold while we settled in because it's hard to focus on dynamic stuff with life moving a million miles a minute, and she was fine with it. Maybe I paused too long for her liking. I don't know.
But I'm only human, can't read her mind, and I'm struggling to keep my head above water right now. Oh, this poor thing. Wow. That's a lot. Yeah. That's a lot. A lot. And for anybody who does not know, we did get clarification. EMS MCI, thank you, live chat, mister Spock, mass casualty incident. Oh, wow. That's that's a lot. Yeah. And with everything else she described in the process of moving her partner across the country, I'm proud of her for putting the dynamic
on hold. That is exactly what we would recommend to anybody. Mhmm. But let's talk about the submissive who thinks that the actions that have been described coming from her dom are somehow submissive. What what say you? You know, honestly, I don't know what to say about this one. Okay. I really don't. It's it's a bit of a roller coaster. I mean, I know it's tough moving in. We Right. Did it. We didn't come from across the country. Right. But, you know, yeah. We we did set our
power exchange on hold. After we figured out we had to. After we figured out we had to. We had no choice. This is amazing. Already freaking figured it out. I'm very proud of her. Yeah. But, you know, we kept in communication with what was going on. Mhmm. And we both came to a point where we said, okay, we're ready. We're both ready to do this again. Mhmm. You know, and then we moved forward. I mean, to me, I don't like the the part, you know, you can't tell someone,
well, you're acting away. Yeah. What does that even fucking mean? Yeah. Right. You know, and then you can't even tell them what it means. Right. And is it that they cannot it's a vibe they're getting, or are they not saying it because they think they're gonna hurt feelings or whatever whatever? And you don't know because they are not telling you. Here was my one of my
takes on it. Mhmm. It sounds like the submissive in this situation has some idea of what they think dominance looks like, and this person is not playing that part correctly. Playing that role. Right. So maybe it's they expected her to take charge in all things to tell the sub what to do. And the dominant partner's like, I'm trying to get you settled. My life is insane right now. I'm an emotional fucking wreck. Like,
this is further proof. Not that we should need it, but it is yet another example of doms are humans too, and they need emotional support just like everybody else does, and they need the space to to kind of fall apart a little bit. And quite frankly, they're being super responsible by not trying to engage in a power dynamic when they gotta deal with all of this, and they they hadn't even recovered from any of it yet.
But that is how I'm reading it. The submissive partner thinks has a some partner thinks has a some picture in their head of what dominance looks like, and this partner is not meeting that threshold. I don't think that's fair. I think the submissive partner kinda needs to get the fuck over it. That's me being, you know, a bitch about it. But they also need to, like, use their big girl words and explain what they mean. Right. And if you can't explain it,
this is not always true. But in this instance, that's a you problem, not your Dom's problem. Because if you don't know and you can't say more than I'm getting this this vibe from you. Your dom can do nothing about it. Your dom can't explain things. They can't change behavior if they choose to. You know? I mean there's a lot of speculation of did is the submissive now going, oh shit, I just moved across the country. Is this really where I wanna be? Are they having
regrets that they don't wanna talk about? Now they're looking for reasons why the relation that is pure speculation. None of that's indicated here, but I know how to tell myself a fictional story. So, you know, did they have expectations of what would happen once they were moved in together? And those things aren't happening, will never happen, just haven't happened yet. You know, where's the conversation about this is what our power exchange will look like once we're in it?
You know, I think it's fair if the dominoes isn't even ready to have that conversation. But is that the conversation the submissive expected and now they're not getting it? I do find so I understood what the submissive was talking talking about with the way you link arms with somebody. Mhmm. There is a way that must there's a way that when I do the opposite of how I link arms with you, when I link my when I link with you the way you link with me, it does feel weird because I don't feel like
I'm following. I got I understood, I think, what the submissive was trying to say. Okay. But that's a really weird detail to pin the I think you're a sub vibe on a person. I think it is that this the dom is probably showing their emotions and being real about their emotions and that they are not, like, just taking charge of every single thing and they are not whatever the submissive thinks dominants are doing. And so to not do those things, well, you must be submissive. No. No. No. No. No. No.
We've said it a million times. I'll say it a million and one. There are as many ways to be dominant as there are dominants in the world. And I prefer my dominance to have, like, you know, an actual human side and to, like, have emotional needs and to be able to kind of go, hey, I gotta step back because I can't be in charge of you and have this control while I got this dumpster fire going on behind me. It'd be a little boring if everybody did it the same way. I know. But
the dominant partner's right. She can't read her mind. No. So this missus is gonna have to, like, use her big girl words and fucking say it even if it's hard, even if you think you're gonna hurt somebody's feelings. Yeah. Even if you think you might be wrong so you don't wanna actually say it out loud. And if and I'll I'll be I'll be charitable. If you can't explain the why, explain the actions that you're seeing and or explain the actions you want and are not getting.
What is it you want your partner to be doing and that they're not? And so by them not doing it, you're getting this submissive vibe. But you gotta fucking talk about it because it's all been placed on this Dom's shoulders at a time when I mean, when it rains, it pours. Right? Like, that's a that's a lot. That's a lot a lot. Mhmm. I did look. Everybody's different, and there are all kinds of reasons for
this. But I do find it telling that one of the lines in this first paragraph trying to explain is the thing is, I had to help pack and load most of her stuff myself. Including that detail makes me think that that was not expected, and they thought they'd be helping Mhmm. Their partner do this, and their partner would be taking care of things because it's their shit being packed up and moved. That's pure speculation, but I find it telling that in the middle of that first paragraph of
here is how hellacious life is. Right? Mhmm. They're they're noticing that they just had to do all of that for this person who they were moving across the country with them. I I it's time to talk about what submission means to the sub and what they're looking what they want from their dominant partner and the dominant partner getting to go, is that even what I want to give and do, and can I give it? And, you know, how are we gonna proceed forward?
I think the dom is doing doing things right by being like, no no dynamic right now. Mhmm. But I wouldn't continue with the dynamic until your submissive could tell you what the fuck she means. Means. Right. Anyway. Anyway. Okay. Okay. Next one. I did this one for you. You can see from the title. What are healthy reasons someone wants to be a dom? Trigger warning for sexual abuse. I, 19 female, had been in a relationship
with this guy. He was my first everything and so he kinda introduced me to the kink world. Eventually when we moved in, we had talked about trying more intense sex and we talked about boundaries and everything and it was an ongoing conversation. So things started being more rough and intense and I really enjoyed it until he told me that he he likes having sex with me after an argument because he wants me to hurt and he wants to take it out on me.
I immediately told him that's just poorly justified abuse. But I'm left wondering, what is a healthy reason to enjoy being a Dom? I know that there are healthy reasons, I'm just not a dom, so I don't know what to look out for and what reasons are healthy reasons. I'm glad she clocked. That response was not a healthy response. Right. I'm so glad she clocked that. I'm proud of her. I don't think anybody should have to go around justifying why you're dumb. Why you're a
sub. Yeah. But I I do think it's a interesting conversation to have. So I don't think we can really properly talk about motivations. Mhmm. But what is a well, I would rather and I think somebody in the comments of the Reddit posted this too. What's a healthy expression of dominance more than a healthy motivation? Because motivation is typically Expression? Control power of some level in some way. I mean, to to me Mhmm.
Okay. One of the things of being a dom is that you're supposed to be supportive of them and you're supposed to help them and and lift them up and make them push boundaries in healthy ways to help them be a better person, be be better themselves. Explore their desires Yeah. Step into their So personhood more fully. And Which should go the other way. Right.
And it goes vice versa. Right. Right. And want each of you, you know But you you as a caregiver, Dom, yeah, you you like to do the guide and the the betterment of your partner, the helping me reach my goals. But you also want to be a little bit in charge of that. Yeah. Just a little bit. Yeah. And so we say power and control and guidance is another good, potential motivation for dominance.
But the healthy expressions I I think there might be an overarching one, and then there's different, subtleties underneath that, which is, you want to take that power and control or that guidance, without causing real damage, real harm, lasting You want to use it responsibly. The I I want to I wanna take my anger out on you while being sexual together, that's like the one of many massive no no's in dominance. You don't do
shit angry. No. You can acknowledge that the thing was wrong and not like it, but while you're in the middle of anger, you get the fuck out of there and you don't do the fucking thing. You know what the thing Let me see. Let me try to explain this. Mhmm. It's kind of like Let's use us, okay? You would say to me, excuse me, fuck me like you hate me, daddy. Oh, yeah, that's a great time. I like that. I like that. Okay. So, that's something acceptable. Right. Because I've asked for it. You have.
What what struck me with that was that I think some side eye there was actually wanted to instigate a fight. So that they could do the thing. Yeah. That's not consensual in any way, shape, or form. I'm so proud of that person for recognizing what the fuck that really was. Yeah. You know, I think if if I was a baby sub, like, this person is 19, you're a baby sub. Okay? If I was a baby sub like this, I would be looking for I would be trying to figure out for myself what I want from a
dom. Like, how much power, control, and or guidance? What appeals to me from a dom? And then you're looking for somebody who is respectful, who is emotionally intelligent and or working on it, will can communicate or will attempt to communicate. You're looking for somebody who understands both the responsibility of and privilege of getting to be somebody's dominant. Yeah. You know? Those are the things you're looking for. The the why do you want control? Why
do you want guidance? Well, guess what? Why do you oh, I'm sorry. Hit the microphone. The question that could be asked and is asked of submissives. Well, why do you wanna submit? What's your motivation for that? That's as varied as there are people Right. To a certain extent. Because it's a different experience for everyone. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, yeah. I think when you're looking for new doms in the future, you're not looking for what their motivations are.
You're looking for the type of dominant who will likely be able to give you what you're looking for as a submissive, and then you're looking at how they behave as a human. Yeah. And some of those things are skills that are learned over time. We none of us pop out of the womb with good communication skills. None of us, sadly, pop out of the womb with emotional intelligence, The ability to emotionally regulate. The be able the ability to name emotions. The ability to
recognize that you are feeling them. When we're talking to cis men, the ability to understand that, you can have emotions other than anger. There are more acceptable emotions than anger. And that anger is an emotion. Yes. That is correct. Right? Like, the and the the respect and the humility, and there's just that's what you're looking for. Yeah. Because then you can ask them if you want, why do you like to be a dom? Why is this because some people are gonna go, it's an innate part of me. It's
I like having the control. I like being in charge. I like the power. It's who I am. Right. But, yeah, that that dude was a sexual predator. That's that's what that dude original dude was. Anything else you would like to add? Okay. I'm not actually answering the question that is being asked here. I guess content warning for a lot of pee and poop talk in this next one. I have a different take, though, than the question being asked. So I'm curious if you have what your take will be.
Am I overthinking this, or does my girlfriend have a toilet kink? Podcast listeners, if you can see JB's face. Okay. Me, 26, and my girlfriend, 28, have been together for seven years and living together for four. I was always the more kinky one and even though she's happy to indulge in my kinks, she always claimed she has none of her own. She's also very insecure and shy when
talking about sex. She also said talking or discussing sex is a turn off for her because it ruins the surprise factor when she expects something to happen. Most of the things we do are done in the heat of the moment while we are having sex. Anyway, a few weeks ago, I was showering and she needed to use the bathroom so she came in. She sat down to pee, then looked at me and asked if I would mind or feel grossed out if she pooped as well.
I told her to do her thing and that nothing she does could gross me out. She giggled and then did it while I was showering. She finished around the time I got out. As soon as I got out of the shower, she approached me and started making out with me very passionately while clearly horny. Usually, I'm the one who initiates like that so it felt a little out of character. The next morning, I was still half asleep when she got up and went to the bathroom. She came back and we cuddled a
bit before starting foreplay and making out. We took our clothes off and the first thing she did was ask me to eat her ass. She never asks for that, especially not right after using the bathroom. It was in the heat of the moment so I did, not really thinking about it till later. A few days after that, I needed something from the bathroom. I opened the door without knowing she was in there sitting on the toilet. I asked if I could come in quickly to grab it and she said sure.
But she told me to pinch my nose because it stinks. As a joke, I took a deep sniff. I was still far away so I didn't really smell anything. She started laughing and asked how I'm not grossed out and said most men will be turned off instantly. I told her she's too attractive for me to find her gross and left the bathroom. As I was closing the door, I heard her say come back in here. I walk in, she was still on the toilet and leaned forward with her eyes closed like she
wanted a kiss. I went for the kiss and she pulled me closer, put my hands put my hands on her thighs and we started making out again. That also felt out of character, but I did not think much of it at the time. After that day, she started using toilet humor a lot more. Almost every day, she mentioned something about peeing or pooping on me or in my mouth. Sometimes it feels like a joke, sometimes it feels very casual and random.
Recently I was on my laptop in the living room when she walked in and randomly asked, would you let me poop in your mouth? I was completely caught off guard and was not sure if it was a genuine question. I think I replied something like asking if that's what she wants for real for real? She started laughing and said I was supposed to say ew and that's gross. I told her I was not sure if she was serious and that I did not want to kink shame, but that I doubt I could ever do that. She said she
was just joking and dropped it. Am I crazy to think she might be hinting at a toilet related kink or is this just joking around? I have asked her again if she has some hidden kinks and she is quick to say she has none. Am I reading too much into it? Sorry for the long post. Okay. Your kinks not my kinks, but I know. When I read this, my mind did not go to my I had a completely different take that has nothing to do with body fluids and toilets.
Okay. I retin it, and this is me inserting myself and my and my personal experience with other people, blah blah blah. But I took this I was like, I don't I don't know. It could be a toilet kink. Your kinks not my kink, all that good stuff. But here's how I read this. This is a person who doesn't like to talk about sex, is very shy, is very insecure, and yet did what some in that position would call a very daring thing to go to the bathroom in front of their partner. To do
one. One and two. Okay? Now as somebody who was raised shy, maybe less that, but insecure, did not talk about sex, couldn't didn't know where to start, some of that in your upbringing for some of us comes with a lot of shame about body and body functions because sex is a function that a body is typically capable. Right? And so the way my brain read this is she did the daring thing, air quote that, of taking a shit in front of her partner, and it worked out well.
Mhmm. And so now there's this little bit of confidence that she did this thing that I mean, for Mhmm. Even if you're not kinky, can be considered taboo to take a shit in front of somebody else. And he didn't reject her. Mhmm. And he indulges her. So, yeah, I'll kiss you while you're sitting on the toilet. I'll make out with you here. I'll tease you and joke with you about this. Now I'm not saying she doesn't still maybe
have a kink about it. Right. I'm not saying that because to ask could I poop in your mouth, that was either a very intrusive thought or something else. Yeah. But the the fact that you could be that shy and insecure and not wanna talk about sex and that ruins the surprise, I recognize myself in that statement.
I a 100% thought the same things at a time in my life where I didn't know what I wanted sexually, would have told you I didn't have any kinks, didn't know how to talk about any of it, and do not come in and walk in on me in the bathroom ever, ever, ever. Look. We do we pee in front of one another. Full disclosure, we do not take shits in front. That's the last frontier, and it's like, look. Look. I've given up a lot of privacy in my life, especially as a a parent. That is when I want privacy.
But I can say this because I'm ridiculous and I put too much information on the Internet. In my prior relationships Mhmm. I I was not plucking a chin hair in front of that person. I did not have a body that did weird body things that another person was allowed to see. And some of that is about insecurities and not being able to talk about that stuff. I am projecting a shit ton. I understand this, But that is how where my brain went.
Did she find comfort in doing this taboo thing, air quote that, in the bathroom, and she got love and acceptance for it. Mhmm. And so now we've got a positive association with doing the scary thing. It hasn't moved out to sex yet. Yeah. Other than the, you know, eat my ass part. Right? Right? I'm I'm very grateful that we did not get commentary on what it's like to eat ass after somebody's gone to the bathroom. I got enough of imagination. Thanks. Yeah. But
that's that's what I what struck me. That's where my mind went. Okay. I'm just Yeah. I mean, it you know, it's definitely a kink. I I I mean, yeah. I I know it's a kink other people have. Yeah. It's likely a kink she has, but I just I I'm just thinking of it from that very beginning of she doesn't talk about sex. Mhmm. Insecure, shy, that that wants to be surprised. I just yeah. Not all people who who would have that similar thing, but I think many maybe? Some definitely.
You're not gonna see me in the bathroom. I you don't listen to it. Don't be near it. I can't admit that my body does a thing that every body does. You know what I mean? Like, there's when there is learned or what I don't know another way you would do is a learned shame about sex and anything and anything related to your body and body functions, I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I think she realized she could be accepted and do
this very taboo thing. Maybe. Maybe. And the acceptance and the acceptance and the fact that he's like, there's nothing you could do. Because here's the thing. You tell me there's nothing you could do that gross me out. You're I I like you too much. You're too attractive. I I accept you completely as you are. I'm sorry. I get horny from that shit. Full fucking acceptance even at, like, what some people might go my grossest point.
Yeah. Yeah. I just I don't know. I'm projecting, but I'm just saying. I'm just saying. But also, yeah, probably a kink, but I just okay. I am I apologize for all the poop talk in this episode. Okay. Here's the one that I just I read it and I was like, ugh. So, is this normal dom behavior or am I expecting too much?
I, female 21, have been in a DS relationship for three years now and I've done absolutely everything I can to be the sub he, male 29, wants, even doing things that were extremely painful that I didn't really want to do. I'm very attached to him and it hurts because I really don't think my feelings are reciprocated. Our last scene was pretty rough and afterwards he just sat on the opposite end of
the couch. We talked for maybe five minutes before he decided to take a call with his friend that lasted thirty minutes while he drank and smoked without offering me anything all while knowing how much I love Intox Play. It's not the first time he's done something like that, but what honestly hurts the most is him just leaving me in bed while I can't move to go eat without me and not even offering me a sip of water. I literally had to ask him multiple
times before he bought me some. As I'm typing this out, I'm realizing it's very pathetic that I'm still as attached to him as I am, but I'm also scared to leave because I don't think I would be able to find a Dom at all, especially not a daddy Dom, which is what I would prefer anyway. The situation is not funny, but your expression, this is the expression I I was expecting and I was hoping for. Kick kick his ass to the curb. Throw the whole Dom away. Yeah.
No. That's not normal Dombey. It's not responsible Dombey. No. Are there people who label themselves Domino's who do shit like this? Way too fucking many. Yeah. You are not expecting too much. You will find another Dom. Absolutely. It takes a while to find the right person for you. Always, always kick this motherfucker to the curb. Let's point out, they've been together three years. She was 18. He was 26. Now that's not a massive age gap. Mhmm. Some people would be like, okay. But but
there's something in that. You're we're in your mid twenties, and you can't even think to ask the person you're with if they'd like a sip of fucking water? Can I get you something to eat? I would actually expect that behavior from a fellow 18 to 21 year old, quite frankly. I'm just Yeah. I know. The the yeah. I'm not gonna give side eye to an 18 and then probably up to a 21 year old doing power exchange. That's a similar enough age range, but think of 18.
18 is I just graduated high school. Mhmm. 26 is if assuming I went to college, I've been out of college for a couple years potentially. I probably have a big boy job. Why is an 18 year old submissive? Now let me say a thing I have said many times, and I know it annoys the shit out of some people. Once you are a legal adult, you get to make legal adult decisions even if I or anybody else in the world does not think that's a great decision. Mhmm. So it's not
nope. I wouldn't if if, either of the kids at 18 were like, look at my 26 year old. Here's the thing. Here's why I say that. I was 19. He was 27. I married him, and I divorced his fucking ass. Not because of behavior exactly like that, but that kind of attitude. Yeah. Okay. That kind of attitude where I I'm supposed to care about you. I'm supposed to do stuff for you. Everything revolved. I was supposed to think about you. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm not saying you can't be
18, the person beats 20. I'm not saying that. Right. I'm not saying that. But if I'd I give a little bit more side eye and power exchange to an age discrepancy when one of the partners is literally barely legal. Because even if they've lived a hard life and learned some hard life lessons and had to mature way too fucking fast, as it happens to a lot kids, that's still too fucking young, in my personal opinion, for a several years older person to go, I'll dom you. Mhmm. Because here they are
now going, I'll never find another dom. Yeah. Who put that thought in their head? Did they come up with that? Yeah. Or have they been sold a load of bullshit? Right? I you know, am I am I am I do I want too much for him to be nice to you? For For him to think of you as a human and go, would you like to eat something? Can I can I get you some water? Yeah. I'm I mean, I'm sorry that, you know, he's he's not Throw the whole fucking Dom away. Yeah. Yeah. Is the
is this normal dom behavior? Here's the thing. It's normal fake ass, shit ass, abusive ass dom behavior. Yeah. This is a lot how like how they Mhmm. They behave. Yeah. If it's the dom that needs to be thrown away in the dumpster, yeah, that's normal, but that's not right. None of that's right. No. And please expect too much. Please have fucking high expectations. Not everybody will meet your high expectations, but somebody will.
And, ideally, now we've got a situation where it's a partnership and everybody's getting their needs fucking met. And not being left in a situation where it sounds like subspace so out of it, they can't move. Right. And that motherfucker leaves to go get food. Yeah. And then doesn't bring any back. The cardinal fucking sick That's wild. Of the whole goddamn thing. Yeah. I wouldn't like it from a a person if if even if they were 21, I'd go, who raised you? Jesus Christ. But
you're a you're like an adult adult. You can get car insurance and you could rent a car now. You're an adult adult. You can't be a mom and dad. Now. You're an adult adult. You can't be on mom and dad's insurance name. Adult adult at mid twenties. What the actual fuck? I know. How much advantage have you taken of this very young person who might not have quite enough lived experience to, like, be asking questions? And that's what Tayshoo said in the live chat.
You know, yeah. The age gap really isn't that much, but the experience gap. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Is massive. And, as somebody who has a child who will turn 18 as they start their senior year of high school, the number don't mean shit. Legally, yes, it does. Mhmm. And I'd still say adult, legal adults get to make legal adult decisions. But this is one of those where, um-mm, um-mm, I it just feels like that lack of experience was taken advantage of by somebody who wants the fun, air quote, fun of
being a dog. Not the responsibility. None of the fucking responsibility. Yep. Can't even get her some fucking feet in a glass of water. Hard water. Oh my god. Oh my and how long has she been putting up with it? Yeah. How long has this been going on? Was there the honeymoon period in the beginning where it was all great and then it tapered off? Tapered off, ma'am. Or is this how it's been the whole time? And then I am so sad for her. This is what it's been
the whole fucking time. The whole time. The whole time. I hope not. I hope I hope it was at least good at some point so she knows what the hell good feels like. Look. At 16, I'm at a 21 year old. And at the time I thought my parents just don't get me and they never want me to be happy, but my father ran that 21 year old off. I get it. I support it. Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah. It's not it's the age. It's just the the thing you see. It's the experience gap, because all I could think is eight 18?
And look, I've we were there the day a person had just turned 18 and walked into their first month. Like, yeah. I've been learning about this, but, you know, I know it wasn't supposed to because yeah. Yeah. We get that. We get that people under the legal age of consent or just the legal age to, like, vote or anything make They they go and they learn about things and they do shit with people who are probably also underage with them. And as as a parent, I'm gonna be
like, I don't approve. There's some danger there. There's some risk there. What are we doing? But even at 18, there's there's just a life experience to not have yet, let alone the kink experience. I just Throw the whole motherfucker away. Yep. Okay. That was the last one. K. Those weren't longer than I thought they would. Mhmm. I I think this might be the first loving BDSM podcast episode where I not only said poop once, I certainly said it more times than I've ever.
That's not a thing I talk about. It is my last frontier of privacy. I didn't like it when I don't like it when the cat looks at me and is there. I'm like, Onyx, do you have something else to do? Anyway So, are we good? I don't know. That's not for me to say. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week. Yes, baby girl. Can I talk to the crickets? Yeah. What was I gonna bitch about? I said, I'll bitch about this and the one and I don't remember what it was. I don't remember.
I I said a keyword. Does anybody remember? Somebody in the live chat. Probably silent who's got a really good memory. I will be right back. Okay. You're gonna go check on your dog who was howling while I was reading the the poop one? Now that I've look. I've broken my own personal taboo. Now that I've said it once slash a dozen times, I guess I can keep saying it. You know how there's some words that some people just really don't like to say, to hear, to read?
I'm so sorry for anybody who doesn't like this word, but the common one is moist. Moist isn't my favorite, but I don't have like an ick thing. The word? There's a reason I say shit instead of poop because I don't like that word. I don't like that word at all. Donation button. Well, thank you Silent. I have to wait for him get back on camera so I can go off camera or all you're gonna do is look at our mics and our arrow formation that once I found out somebody saw that in, one
of the virtual summits we participated in. I can't unsee it. There's podcast listeners, you'd have to come to the video, but in between on the wall and our mics, there's a position in our background. I can say working in the shop. Holy shit. I haven't been working working in the shop. I that was actually what I did for my full workday on Monday was work in the shop. I had we have a brand new product that has one last finishing touch to go on it and I can release it. It is my favorite new toy.
I was finishing my part of that. I was drilling holes in things so that JB can turn evil stick handles and diabolical stick handles. I was getting d twenties ready for to go with those diabolical stick handles once they're turned. Did something else. I glued up some knives. I did the I was covered in wood glue by the time we got done. So Yeah. I,
it was a long day. And then once I came inside, I still had to do I had to do both like work stuff, admin stuff at my desk, and then I also had to do mom stuff at my desk, helping both kids with money stuff and sign up stuff and scholarship stuff and do this before this date stuff. And it was like, oh my god. So yeah. Yesterday was a long day. And then today I was out in the shop working again on the d20s.
I always have respect for other makers because just knowing what it takes to make the stuff we make, I just I have a lot of of respect for people who make shit by hand. I have so much respect for people who make dice sets. All we're doing right now is d twenties and these fuckers kick my ass. It's not the pouring of the resin. That's easy. That's we got a pressure pot. Done. It's the flooding the numbers so they're visible and the finishing and the making sure oh my god. I'm tired.
So Andre says I'm still not seeing the donation button. That's because I have not gone off screen to go off camera, I mean, to go push a button. Now that you're back Yeah. I told them about my boring but tiring day in the shop yesterday. I'm gonna go off camera to push some buttons. That's right. You need to go push the button. Silent reminder me. Thank you, Scott. Okay. You got the hiccups. Yep. So anyway, Lola was fine. Actually, I think she was, there was a delivery made while we were
sitting back here. Oh, cool. I think I know what that delivery is. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, yeah. But, yeah. No. I'm I'm real me, I'm real happy with this, with the new machine here with the computer. It, definitely bigger hard bigger hard drive, more memory, bigger graphics card. So, yeah. Looking looking forward to it and it's been it's been really nice. Very happy. So oh, hang on. I can't see anything. Where's the that's what I need. Okay. I added the donation button.
I clicked the button. Mhmm. For anybody who's watching the livestream to be able to see the donation button on YouTube, you might have to refresh. Silent says she can see it. Cool. But if you don't see it, you might have to refresh. I also put it on our last video for Monday. I checked, when I was pushing buttons off camera. We our goal is $250. Mhmm. We've already raised a $171. Nice. Thank y'all to everybody who's donated. Nice. Yeah. We're supposed to have a Valentine's Day sale
soon. We've already talked about it. We're gonna donate some amount, I don't know yet, we haven't discussed that part, of the total sales, not the profit, the total revenue from the sale, some percentage of that to campaign for Southern Equality as well. That's like our chair our our organization of choice for fundraising. When we did it for point was it's Point of Pride Yeah. Is
the organization there. They give grants to trans people for different parts of their transition, surgical, medical, and social, transition. We did that with a sale last year. Was it was it during pride? Yes. And we ended up with the sales that we had come in. It was, like, a few days sale. It wasn't terribly long. Like, $300. Yeah. So that was cool. Yep. And we can't do that without people wanting
to buy our shit. So True. And we've the economy being what it is, we really need people to buy our shit. I mean, I'm sitting here .com. I'm I'm sitting here and I'm looking at what's on your desk, and I'm thinking, my god. That wood looks beautiful. Oh, you've been called to tease by the live chat. I'm sorry, podcast listeners. We're always teasing you by talking about visual things that you cannot see because you're only listening. So but JB is now going to show off
my new favorite toy. It has a name. We've already named it. I named it before JB ever even made them. Because this has been, what, a two year long project? Kind of. Not that it took two years to make them. It took two years to get to the point where we were like, yeah. Let's do this. And by we, I mean JP, but that's okay. I'm supportive. It's it's we. But I've been cheerleading these this fucking toy You have been. Since then. Been on the fence. Yep. But you're not anymore. No. It's called a
Thumper. Yep. It is a thuddy toy. It is a quiet toy. Toy. I'm gonna create a section on the Kinkery's website about which toys are quiet because that is such an issue. I don't know how to describe it. It's baton like, I will say. There's why is the word not for kink reasons. Why is the word beater coming to me as a as a noun, not an adjective, not an action? Yes. It's a beater. Oh my gosh. Oh, you mean, like, for doing the rugs? Is that what you meant? No. No. Not
me. I don't wanna say who I was thinking of because it is from She Who Will Not Be Named because she's a rabid transphobe. But that Oh, okay. That game in the air on brooms that they just Yeah. Yeah. Allowed an 11 year old to get up there and, you know, be the best whatever in a generation or some bullshit. You're you're pointed at that. You're not pointed at any of my childhood shit. So I know. It's not even my childhood shit. It's the kids' childhood shit. I know.
I was reading one of the books while I was actively in labor with a 20 year old. Did I know I was actively in labor? No. Had no fucking clue. So naive. But anyway yeah. It's called the Thumper. Mhmm. And, did JB find a way to make it stingy? Yeah. Of course he fucking did. But if you use it like you would immediately imagine you'd use it, it's a very thuddy toy. It is my favorite now Yeah. Of all I'm well, I we've got some I really fucking love. That this one's my new favorite.
Yeah. This one's moved right to the top of your list. Mhmm. For podcast listeners, it's cylindrical. Mhmm. It's about what? 12 inches Yeah. Approximately? Mhmm. The handle is about five inches of it. It's slightly indented, but still cylindrical. And then the part that is the I can't call I I'm gonna say paddle area, but it's not flat. It's round. That's about seven inches long. It's what's the diameter of that? Two inches? Maybe. An inch and a half? So silence says it looks like a pestle. Pest
pestle? Pestle? Pestle. Pestle. Mhmm. It does. A giant one. It feels really fucking good. I know. You'd love the stupid thing. I love this thing. When I pick it up at night, you just you're just like I know. I'm like, okay. Until you figured out how to hit it and make it sting. That I didn't I didn't love that. Which here's this is anybody who, like, makes shit and then sells it probably has this experience. I fucking love this thing so nobody else
is gonna like it. It will not become a bestseller. When I fucking love it and I think, oh, this is brilliant. Nope. Nope. When I'm like, I wouldn't use that, that's what flies off the damn show. So yeah. We gotta finish up at the at the bottom at the very base. Jibby's gotta put the these little eye hooks in so we can put a cord on it so you can dangle it. In case you asked when it's available. Soon ish. It's all in her hands now. You gotta do this part.
Well, yeah. There's a little part you gotta do. I know and I overthink when to release stuff and when to do sales because I'm not gonna have a Valentine's Day sale on Valentine's Day. That doesn't help anybody who needs their shit shipped, But I'm also not gonna do a Valentine's Day sale, when we're not as, stocked as we could be. We're supposed to be doing a drop of Diabolical Sticks on February 6. That's this coming Friday. For podcast listeners, it's the day
this episode goes live. It will be a smaller drop than we originally planned, but we have another one already planned for March that will hopefully be bigger, will be in our routine by then. So I'm thinking the sale might start on February 6 and then run for several days into the week. I don't know. So yeah. There's a little bit of excitement in the Yeah. Well, could it be that I'm just, like, swaying in this thing around? Somebody said it looks like a club. Yes. Yes. It definitely does.
Yeah. It is it is quiet. We get that question online a lot about toys. Do you have a quiet one? Quiet. Yeah. And we do, but, typically, the quietest toys toys are the ones that hurt the most. And so I have to tell people, oh, nobody's gonna hear you hit them with that cane, but then But they're gonna hear you yell. They're gonna hear the yell. But this one is this one is very Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because even if he, like, goes like Louisville Slugger on it, it's it's not it doesn't have the same
crack that a flat paddle would. Mhmm. Especially when someone asked if we could do a demo next Friday at the Hangout. Well, we had talked about doing, a demos for dollars or dollars for demos, demos for whatever. I don't remember even what we call it, but it going to people not doing it, paying giving us the money, them donating to our the charity. Oh, that'd be cool. I know. Yeah. So not super chats, but donate a dollar, $5, whatever you got. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hopefully,
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We could show off the diabolical sticks. Mhmm. You we got a shit ton of Rough Riders back in stock. Holy Terrors are back in stock. Mhmm. Mhmm. I've got some pounders on the shelf. Andre donated to the to our fundraiser. Oh, thank you. For their quality. And, yeah. I've got pounders. Coming? Coming on they're on the they're on the shelf and knives. Oh, I he gave me permission to just glue up knives Yeah. As I could and did. I went, oh, don't you worry.
Demos for donations. Yes. That's good. So, yeah. New Jersey. You you yeah. You loaded me up with knives and, I started making some different knives Yeah. In there too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've been taking custom orders. Yeah. You're finishing up a custom knife order Mhmm. That the the person sent lots of information about, like, this is what I want it to look like, but just wood, and it still got a a point a tip that is so sharp. I'm nervous.
Like, I think it could break skin with more force than you need for, like, a regular knife. But yeah. Yeah. And then, if you follow the shop, thekinkery.com. If you follow the shop on Instagram, we just posted, a reel of one of the custom extra long canes. Cane. That shit's scary. It's quarter inch delrin. Now quarter inch delrin's really thin, so even at the standard length we do, which It's whippy. It's very whippy.
It's very stingy. I don't like it at all, which is why everybody fucking loves it because I it's a toy I would never. Anyway, we had somebody who late last year requested a delrin cane in quarter inch, but an extra foot longer. So it's this long ass piece of Delrin Yeah. With a resin handle, and JB starts and you can hear the swoosh of the air. Yep. Oh my god. Oh my god. But there is a there is a reel on our Instagram. Yeah. We don't, we don't put those reels on Facebook.
We do have a kinkery Facebook page, because even though it's all meta, Instagram seems to be better at if you block somebody, they're not they're still not gonna be, like, fed up to you. Your picture's not gonna show up in their feed. Facebook's not like that. You can block people left, right, and fucking center, and they'll still be recommended you. Yeah. You'll they'll still see something with your and we're like, I don't we don't wanna put our face on Facebook. Pardon the button, I guess.
So we do it on Instagram. Yeah. Silent asked how we ship a cane that long. I have to do a special tube and they have to if somebody orders that custom cane, they have to pay an oversized shipping cost. I have not tried shipping it, internationally yet. This is only the second the extra long cane is only the second one we've made. I don't know what that shipping would be, but I do believe it would be very expensive. So, yeah, we have to get a special
container. If Mhmm. We have flirted with the idea if that if people if we get it what are words? Goddamn. If enough people request the extra long cane, we might make it a regular item, and then I would have to buy in bulk the boxes for that. Yeah. So Yes. Yeah. I had to before I could tell somebody, when they asked for an extra long cane, before I could even tell them if we could make it, I had to figure out how I'd ship it. So Yeah. Yeah. And so I'm adding one of the
canes studded, not stingy. Yeah. The three eights is, it's thicker and, it's more thud than a quarter inch. You know, nobody's asked for it and I have not been brave enough to ask you because I don't want you to get any ideas, but I guess I will now. YouTube folks are watching me roll this thumper on my cheeks. My cheeks are so fucking hot. And the wood is very smooth and cold. If somebody did an extra long three eighths delrin Mhmm. That is not whippy at all.
There's very little bend to it. At that at a longer length, would it be bendier? Would it whip? There would there would be some. Uh-huh. Not as much as the quarter inch. No. The quarter inch. That thing's just scary. That thing's fucking scary. So yeah. Yeah. We got a lot going on. Mhmm. Well, it feels I had to I did have to take a social a bit of a social media, current event social media break, because I was making myself crazy. I do take my own advice on that.
So I've been watching, like, Bridgerton, clips. We have not started watching Bridgerton. I would like to wait until the February when all the episodes are out. Thank you very much. Doing the same with The Pit. I've been watching clips on Instagram of from The Pit. I we're talking about waiting until that's all the way out. That's a longer wait because that's 15 episodes. I know. I do don't mind spoilers.
I actually kinda like knowing what's gonna happen, then I have less anxiety when I'm watching high tension moments, high drama moments. So just whatever. Yeah. Lola has thoughts. I you might hear her in the background. In case you asked if it would hurt the wood if it froze it. It shouldn't. Okay. It shouldn't, other than making it cold, give you some, you know, little temperature play there, action with it. But, no. It should not. It shouldn't hurt the
wood. It's one of those things that if you just stick it in and it's fully dry and you put in the freezer, you're fine. If if it was wet and you froze it that way Wet would yeah. That would be a problem. So Silent says we're watching the pit week by week and the way they end each episode is cruel. That's why I'm not doing it. It's the same reason I will not read a book series until if I can help it, until all the books are out. Because
I nope. Nope. If I have to have a cliffhanger, I need to be able to find out what happened next immediately. I finished a book last night while we were laying in bed. I had a crazy cliffhanger. I immediately went in and got book two and read at least the first chapter to figure out how we got out of that situation. So JB is playing with Lola behind the camera. If the camera starts tipping, blame him. Lola is a dog. She can't be blamed for tipping the the tripod. So What?
I mean, she's a smart girl, but she does not know what recording equipment is nor does she give a fuck. So there's that. That is true. So, Eva asked, what's the pit on HBO Max or HBO? Are they back to calling themselves HBO again? Who the hell knows? They go back and forth so many times. That one. Last Week with John Oliver comes back on February 15. Very excited. We do not watch it on the days it comes out because they put that show out at, like, 11:00 at
night. I'm not stand I'm not watching it. I love John Oliver. I think he's brilliant and funny. I'm not watching him at 11:00 at night on a Sunday. We watch it on a Monday. Yeah. Yeah. Like responsible adults. Mhmm. What else? Not, not a whole lot going on. For anybody who can hear because I just I I guess I just started Yeah. Stimming. Who can hear this tap tap tap, that is the thumper on my thigh. If you can even hear it, that's how quiet it is.
And oh oh, I might have given my I was had a little force going there. A self beating masochist. I mean, if the toy is good enough, if the toy is good enough. So So, I would apologize for the chaos of the day, but I am trying to embrace reality. Yeah. Yeah. Embrace what is instead of what I wish it could be. You know, folks, I I I mentioned this to Caleb today. I was so proud of myself going into the end of the year through the through third quarter, you know, from September into all that. And,
I I worked. I kept my shop clean. I kept it neat. You did? That's gone. Yeah. Yeah. It's chaos in there. Yeah. It My desk is chaotic. The ship almost threw the thumper. Goddamn. The shipping station is chaotic. It's all chaos all the time. Yeah. It's even You would think we were in the Christmas season. That's how bad it is in here. Andre asked about your wrist. Yes. Kayla does need a a fidget toy. Silent. That is true. My wrist. Yeah. You're not wearing your brace today. No.
I'm not. Is it because the brace just doesn't do anything anymore? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For now, everything's up. What the, doctor told me after all the, x rays and MRI, you have severe arthritis in that thumb. Osteoarthritis. Yep. So it's it's gonna be one of those things that sometimes it hurts really, really bad, and other times it's okay. Well, our we're mission right now is to find a hand surgeon. Yeah. The hand surgeon, we have locally that, the Ortho likes
is retiring. Yeah. So it looks like we're gonna go out of town. I've I pulled them up. Y'all don't wanna know how many tabs are open also on my phone on the browser, but, I have that preliminarily pulled up with, oh, these people might be good. I need to go sit at the big screen to actually like, then I send JB links. And then when he doesn't reply to my email or acknowledge he got the email, forty eight hours later, I'll be like, did you get my email? Oh, yeah. I got it. Okay.
Cool. So what did what did they say? The first metacarpal joint, I believe it was, has no space left in between it anymore. Yeah. It's severe enough. She immediately went, oh, you're a candidate for hand surgery. Yeah. What she said was get somebody who specializes in hand surgeries, not somebody who does hands and other work. Yeah. No. Just hands. Hand surgeon. Mhmm. They have them. They have them. They have them. Except the best one in the area is
retiring. Well Apparently. Everybody deserves rest at some point. I know. I'm just So yeah. And we're, waiting for that sweet, sweet, government health care known as Medicare to kick in Yeah. Before if we can. If we can. If it's fair enough, we whatever. But yeah. There's well, you know yeah. Because just considering what our insurance has made us pay for the diagnostic stuff for you lately, I don't wanna know what they make us pay for surgery. I don't wanna know.
Maybe if I threaten somebody with the thumper, they'll be like, oh. Oh, god. I was waving the thumper around. I was waggling it around. I'm sorry, podcast listeners. You cannot see what I'm doing. And I immediately thought of the meme of the little girl. She's wearing, like, a purple and pink shirt. She's got like a, an angry look on her face. Her, like,
lips all curled up. She's mad, and she's like waving something in her hand, and I can't the first time I did it at JB, I was like, I think I'm that meme. Look. Meme images of little girls looking annoyed, disgruntled, or like you're the biggest dumbass, that was me growing up. That's why I got in trouble all the time. So Right? I was saying I thought that too. Silent. Silent. Since that thing kinda makes me wanna bake, I bet it's a great rolling pin. And that's for anybody who needs the trying
to get the visual. Yeah. It's got rolling pin vibes. Mhmm. So we had to stop at some point, don't we? We know. I mean, I kinda like just hanging out, which is why we do it once a week. Cool hanging out, but Logan's not happy about it. She's gonna wanna eat dinner. Ella too. Still have, like, another twenty minutes. Not that I'm saying we should stay for another twenty minutes. I'm just saying they're not starving. They're not. So No. They're not starving. They're fine.
And you do her eye drops too. That's that's different. That's, you know, you clocking in for your full time taking care of Lola drops. Yeah. Alright. Well, hopefully, when we take her back to the eye doctor next Monday Won't have to do the The one drop. Yeah. Yeah. So fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Oh. Mhmm. Alright. Okay. I think we can say our goodbyes. I like hanging out. I know. I know. I know. Anyway, we're gonna go. Yep. Thanks for being
here. Thanks for listening, watching, especially to the bitter end when it gets even weirder. Yes. I I could use a fidget of some sort. There's a reason Nobody ever really liked it when I would sit at, like, the boardroom chairs, in meetings when I had a big girl job because was I swiveling the whole fucking time? Yes. Apparently, I was. So I'm a fidgeter. Anyway, okay. We're gonna go Fidgeter from way back. Way back. Okay. Alright. We're done now, I think. Bye, y'all. Okay. Bye.