BDSM Reddit Response

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode 427. Kayla Lords here with the 1, the only, the he's doing his best to keep his good humor, but he has every good reason to be very, very aggravated right now. John Brownstone. I'm trying. For the record, I'm not the cause of the aggravation. No. You're not. You are not. You are not. But Absolutely not. If I try to do jumping jacks on your last nerve, I will receive the pleasure. You will receive the brunt of the, yeah.

Yes. We're about we're about to tell you why that is, but let's, like, be official and Okay. Do the things. Do the things first. This week, while the world is on fire literally and figuratively, we decided to release some tension with a rant or 2, with a BDSM Reddit, response episode. At the very beginning, I was like, I'm not sure if I'll rant. And then I ranted. Why? How do I know that? Because we're time traveling. Give me a moment. I'll tell you.

Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on Fetlife at lovingbdsmpc on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s

and the number one. So it's at loving d s one. On blue sky at loving BDSM and then all the other characters after that. I don't know. Just search for loving BDSM. We're right there. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. As for our announcement this week, there's only one. It's the same one it's been for a hot ass minute. That is we are in the middle of our Patreon membership drive.

It is still going on. We are still talking about it. Yes. And we won't have any other announcements and promos until we get through this. Mhmm. Actually, that's not true, but I'll tell you another one in a second. Okay. This whole thing has gone off the rails. It'll be fine. So Patreon membership drive, the significance of that is if you join our Patreon community by February 15th, you get an extra goodie on top of what we already do for Patreon. So

join by February 15th. If you are in the 2 if you are in any of the tiers, you are going to get a the digital workbook that is coming out that I'm actually in the process of working on, that is gonna focus on communication in power exchange. It's gonna have information. It's gonna have resources. It's gonna have worksheets. You will get that with at no additional charge before we ever put it up on Etsy or offered anywhere else.

If you are in the $10 tier as of February 15th, you will be mailed, yes, in the mail, yes, even internationally, the exclusive 10th anniversary loving BDSM enamel pin. This will not be up, on Etsy for sale in the future. This will not be just, like, given out like candy. This is patrons only, unless we do, like, little baby giveaways in August when we hit our official, 10th anniversary. So yeah. Act now before midnight tonight. Something like that.

The other benefit to joining during the membership drive, if you join as an annual member, meaning you pay once and get access for the whole year, you should get 2 months free. So you pay for 10 months. You get access for 12 months. So if let's say you pick the $10 tier, that's a a $100 plus tax depending on, your currency rates and exchange rates if you're international. The $2 tier, it'd be $20 and and some change if you do the annual thing and just pay one time. All that good stuff.

What you get for just joining our Discord, everybody, no matter your tier, you get access to our Discord server. You get access to our behind the scenes podcast episode, which is part bonus section, part hey. Let's go a little deeper and talk a little bit more about what we're doing to work on our power exchange this year. We also do alternating game nights and movie nights. So in January, we had a game night. It It was a lot of fun. We played Cards Against Humanity. And then in February,

we'll do a movie night. And through Discord, we'll watch a movie together and then we'll alternate back. March, it's game night. You see how this goes. Right? Everybody gets that. If you choose the $5 tier, you get access to bedtime stories with JB, where he recorded himself reading bedtime stories. I'm putting all that together and editing it for January right now. Bedtime or or just stories. I called it bedtime stories because you're

your your the True. Yeah. Yeah. Your fans were like, please read me a bedtime story. They stopped themselves at calling you daddy because they knew I'd come through a screen at them. Oh, wow. They knew I'd cut a bitch. Oh my god. I'm not real possessive except over that. Anyway, if you if you do join the $10 tier, not only do you get the exclusive enamel pin mailed to you, you get access to every digital product we make and sell on Etsy at no

additional charge. It's coloring books. It's workbooks. It's planner sheets. It's all of it. It's anything new. It's anything old. So if you're interested, in joining during our membership drive, helping us do this thing that we do on the Internet, patreon.com/kayla lords. It's patreon.com/kayla lords or the link is in the show notes. One more announcement real quick before we get into what the hell is going on with this podcast episode. I get to say this because it's happening

right now. The Kinkery is having our, Valentine's Day sale. Yes. We have to have our Valentine's Day sale early so that you have time to maybe receive your items for Valentine's Day. People have to have time to get their their gifts for Valentine's Day. Right. The only thing that is not going to arrive by Valentine's Day is if you order resin inlay paddles or canes with resin handle. Those are made to order. Everything else, if you order during our sale,

you should get it, hopefully. If you're in the US, by Valentine's Day. So if you're planning a Valentine's Day scene, I'm just saying. So the code, is kinky love 25. I'll put this in the show notes. Don't worry. And it's at the kinkery thekinkery.com. You get 15% off your order, and that coupon code does work on our clearance items of which we still have some. So I'm just saying, kinkery.com having a sale through February 5th. That's the second announcement. That's it for announcements. So

real quick. Yeah. Real quick. The clusterfuck that is this podcast. Right. We had some some audio issues. While recording. While recording. What we the way we normally set this up is while we're doing the live stream, we are recording the audio with a different program. Mhmm. K? And they both have different intros and and whatnot,

you know. So anyway, we we recorded the intro for the podcast, and then we went and we started the live stream, as we do, and then when Kayla told me to hit the magic button Which is how y'all get brought in and we're recording for y'all. I clicked the magic button, and I looked away because we were doing our thing. Mhmm. Then I looked back up at the monitor screen, nothing was happening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. The program locked up crashed and and

just died, went down in flames. I know. We stopped we didn't stop the live stream. The live stream was still going, but we stopped talking for like 4 or 5 minutes trying to figure it out. And, was not able to figure it out. At that point, we were too far in Mhmm. To to do anything, because we also lost the intro. So, yeah. We we kinda had to jump through hoops to get this to you folks this week, but we're here.

So what you're about to hear the whole way through from the, Reddit post through the bonus section is the audio pulled from the livestream. Mhmm. Thank you to Silent Wing for doing that for us. We don't quite know, as the moment we are recording this, if there will be any, like, weird mentions or any like, if there's a if there's a sound quality difference, there shouldn't be. We're talking into the same mics, but you never

know. Different programs. Right. That's why. That's and and if at any point we sound a little frantic. That's why. JB is is he's not much of a jaw clencher, but it's been real real clenched since the Wednesday livestream. Yep. Trying to figure this out. And and and now I'm trying to finish it up and put it behind me. Right. So y'all can have an episode Friday. So, yeah. We're we're real ass professionals, aren't we? Mhmm. So with all that being said, here here's the episode. Here we are.

So let's get into the Reddit, posts that I found, so that maybe JB can work off some of his frustration as well. I'll go ahead and warn y'all. Every one of these was long. The few I found that were shorter didn't have enough detail. I was like, what are what question are you actually asking? So we went with long ones. So here here we go. Okay. Feeling like my sub is doming me by constantly disobeying. Hey. I would appreciate a little perspective on

this. For some relevant information, me and my boyfriend like to engage in gentle femdom, not 247. So I'm the dom. He's the sub. It was him who first introduced this to me and in the beginning I wasn't sure if I was up for taking on this dominant role in bed. But as it turned out, I actually really like it. I'm still relatively new to it. A thing that's been really bugging me lately is that a lot of the time, it doesn't really

feel like I'm actually in charge. For example, over the last 5 weeks or so, we had set this rule that completely disallowed masturbation for him. This is something that we both thought was hot, him only being able to get off when he was with me, putting me in full control of his orgasms. I'm saying this so you know that this is something that was mutually agreed on. But he just doesn't stick to it. At least once a week, I get a text like,

sorry. I swear I was just going to edge a little and then I accidentally came. Mind you, he wasn't even allowed to edge, let alone cum, but he did it anyways. Multiple times. I'm not sure if it's weird or stupid for me to feel upset about this, but honestly, I do a little bit. Because I feel like what is the point of saying he wants to submit to me if he doesn't actually do it? I know punishments exist and I do make use of them, but I just don't really like it like that.

I would much prefer it if he just followed through with the denial because that's what makes this hot for me. It feels like playing a game with mutually agreed on rules but the other person just keeps on deliberately cheating. Eventually you're going to wonder, do they actually want to play this game, right? When I told him this, he said that he realized that he doesn't actually want to be prohibited from masturbating because it's too hard. Which like, okay. Fine. Obviously. I don't want to

do something he isn't actually okay with. But I don't know. Part of me thinks he didn't even actually try. I mean, it's not like he's addicted to masturbation. He's gone a week without doing it, without any difficulties in the past. So I know he can do it if he actually tries. Sometimes I just feel like our DS dynamic is a little upside down, you know? A little like he the sub is domming me, the actual dom. Because he ultimately has the power over what happens by choosing to obey

or disobey my rules. It's honestly pretty disempowering for me as a dom because I literally can't stop him from disobeying me. Fellow doms, do you ever feel genuinely upset about your subs disobeying or is this a me problem? Also, am I being toxic over this? Okay. Go ahead, our our resident domly dom. No. You're better than a domly dom. You're a dada dom. Yeah. Sounds like somebody's got a little bit of a brat going on. Maybe. Maybe. Okay. I mean, that that's kind of the first

thing, you know, disobeying this, disobeying that. Mhmm. You know. And making sure to say something. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know, yeah. I I I get I get brat vibes reading that. And, you know, that could be very well what he wants. He wants her to wrestle control from. I mean, maybe. I think the the I'm with you on that as a as a concept. The only thing that makes me go, am I sure of this? Is that at some point he finally said, actually I don't wanna do this, you know? I don't this

I don't like this. I don't wanna not masturbate. Well, and and there comes down to the point that, you know, consent or anything that we do is is not one and done. Right. You know? And I think that I I, like that she obviously respects his you know, what his boundaries are, his limits he doesn't wanna do. I do think, of course, the obvious answer here is they need to talk about it. But I think even if the, mutually agreed upon thing is, okay, we won't do this, and we're clearly

okay with it. It's not a relationship ender. I you still have to talk about what went on there because if it's not the act and it's the feelings around the act or the disobeying or the trying to to negotiate something and then deciding you don't want that anymore. All of those layers of it need to be discussed in order to kind of you can't prevent that from ever happening again.

It will absolutely happen again, most likely. But to sort of understand the whys and wherefores so you can navigate things like that better in the future. If there's a brat element, I and I we're only getting the dom side, so then they're not really saying the tone that their subnets have used. Brats, in that case, from my very limited experience, tend to be kind of playful with it. Like, they're like Mhmm. Like, uh-oh. I didn't do the thing. Like, the the whole point is to kind of Oh, no. Okay.

We might somebody needs to get a a screenshot of JB making that face with that whatever. But, but, you know, there the way it's being described, there doesn't seem to be this layer of playfulness or of pushing hard. It's more of a, my bad. Now when I was reading the comments on this, I think it was on this one, they all start to blur together after a while. Somebody mentioned, is it less about bratting and more about potentially before saying that he didn't wanna do it at all anymore. Right?

About showing control. That might be another post something new. But this idea of I'm not gonna do the thing that you tell me to do to see how you respond. Can you make me do this? And sometimes that's yes. That's associated with brats, but not necessarily. Some people just sort of want their submission, like, kind of consensually sort of yanked from them. The other thing and this one I know is a comment from this one, cause it got me thinking. They she describes their relationship as

not 247 bedroom only. Correct. But then has control of his orgasms at any given point in the day. Point in time. At that moment, you're not bedroom only, are you? No. I wouldn't think so. I wouldn't think so. Unless you consider it bedroom games. I mean,

you know it. But, you know, as you're talking, that's another thing I was thinking about, you know, if if orgasm control is something, you know, that they they they kinda like, but not to the extent of it, keep it in the bedroom when they're During a scene. Absolutely. A scene. Mhmm. You know, and and when the scene is over, it's over. Poop. Right. And so she gets the as she describes it, the hotness of it. He gets whatever control he wants to give up, but then they yeah.

They're obviously the answer is please have a conversation with one another. But that's all that's always the answer. Yeah. Yeah. It's more there's nuance to it. Right. Because, you know, if you're bedroom only, then be bedroom only. And people can absolutely negotiate some middle thing between bedroom only and 247. And maybe it's the activity that's not doing it for him. It's something you know, you need something else or it needs to be done in

a different way. Somebody, somebody mentioned cage you know, putting a cage on him. Right? If he agreed to it and consented to it, sure. You know? And, yeah, as Rara says, it could be that this person just doesn't actually wanna follow rules, wants to do the play stuff in the moment, but outside that doesn't want. Yeah. Again, that's that's a conversation you have to have. Yeah. I see some somebody else has, come up with a little well, you know, technically, they were in the

bathroom and not the bedroom. So I'm sorry. That sounds like a sassy sup or brat on this thing, because we do specialize in finding loopholes. The loopholes. Yes. Yeah. I I the question that there's 2 main questions I think this Dom needs to ask herself, which is, you know, 1, how do I feel about the just disobeying, you know, breaking the rules Mhmm. And the sort of half ass way of letting me know when they're you know? Yeah. I can use punishments, but I don't really want to.

And, you know, what can what, if anything, can we negotiate so that I get this hotness? I find this hot, and I'd like to continue it, but this isn't working. But also the the if you're walking around feeling like basically your your sub is topping from the bottom, I mean, that's how I interpret the am I being domed. I don't I don't think that that maybe is what he's doing based on the description, but if that's the vibe she's getting,

then there's something else going on. And then it's a matter of, is this is this something we should be doing together? Or should I be doing this with you? Should I go do this with somebody else? I don't I don't know. You know? Maybe this is just fun and games when we're we're we're fucking, and we leave it alone otherwise. Right. I mean, the other thing I thought of too, you know, is this the only rule that they're breaking? Are they breaking other rules?

Yeah. You know, she said as as the dawn Demetrius does not, do much punishment. Right. She knows she can, but she doesn't. Yeah. And could that be something that he's edging for? You know, you know? Right. Absolutely. Punishment. Or looking for punishment. Or but see, here's the I don't know. Maybe I'm being a stickler for language. If you tell me bedroom only Mhmm. Then in my mind, rules don't leave the bedroom necessarily. Now I don't think that

that has to be strictly true. I could imagine saying seeing somebody go, we're bedroom only meaning we just keep it to, like, sex. And so sexual things will be part of the negotiation. I just I think that, you know, neither side is very clear to themselves on what they want, what they're willing to do, and how they're gonna get there. And then, you know, if if your mind goes to, am I being domed by my own sub? Yeah. That tells me there's probably something else,

you know, adding to that vibe. There's an attitude. There's a way of speaking. There's, you know, how you're being treated in some way where you're getting the message that, you know, you don't have the control you think you have. And, you know, the reasons can be from I thought that's what I wanted but I don't to, you know, I'm testing you, to I don't know what the fuck I'm doing either. You know? Like, oh, I was just playing and this has become more serious than I anticipated. Like yeah.

No. That got serious quick. It always does. Give me a second. Give me a second. I will make it serious. Okay. Let's go to the next one. Okay. This is another long one. I've already warned y'all. It's fine. Is this a healthy form of masochism? I've considered myself a masochist for a long time, but now, that I'm thinking about it, I'm considered myself a masochist for a long time, but now, that I'm thinking about it a little more, I'm not sure if it's the

right term for what I'm feeling. Like most people who would consider themselves masochists, my personal enjoyment of pain is context dependent. I'm sure all but a very small fraction of masochists don't get excited when they stub their toe or get a cold, for instance. From what I've seen, most masochists enjoy various forms of pain solely in a BDSM context, and I'm no different in this regard. Where I seem to diverge is that I've seen a lot of subs describe pain or being hurt as fun.

I've also seen a lot of doms find alternative ways to punish their masochistic subs under the assumption that including pain would render the punishment null. I don't find pain fun, in that sense at least. I don't want to find pain fun. I want to suffer, however. I want to be in pain and experience things I don't enjoy, specifically for someone. I crave pain only insofar as I can make the person causing the pain happy.

My positive experiences with receiving pain are less, air quote, fun and more fulfilling. My personal form of submission leans quite heavy on service, and I view receiving pain through that same lens. If someone slapped me, I truly wouldn't like the pain, but I'd like the smile they got on their face from doing so. A particularly memorable scene I've participated in was one in which my top held back expressing their happiness while donning me.

During the scene I became very emotionally distressed and in the moment was having absolutely no fun at all. Once the scene had come to a close, they reassured me that the distress they had caused me made them very happy and it was as if the entire scene went from horrible to amazing in my memory. All my suffering had been given meaning. On a psychological level, I'm sure there is

some degree of regular old masochism occurring. I'm enjoying the inherent unfairness and not having fun just so someone else can can at my expense. And all my favorite insults have been things like pushover, doormat or other terms that suggest I'm pathetic for accepting this unfairness just to please someone. I don't seem to find many other subs like me, which makes me worry that what I want isn't healthy, if it's a really roundabout form of self harm or stems from

insecurity or something. I also have concerns about whether or not many doms would even want a sub like me. Community opinion here seems to be that it's appreciated when submissives are enthusiastic about receiving pain or otherwise excited at the prospect of being hurt. I worry that a potential partner would feel guilty for hurting me since my appreciation of the pain is less direct. Does anyone have any insight either from being similar to me or knowing someone

who is? Many thanks. This person needs a sadist who also wants to dom. But you know what I mean? Yes. They need a sadist who's gonna be like, yes. Right. They they they do. You know, and and their fear that there's something wrong with them, there's not. They just like what they like. And they're very clear what they like. And they know what they like. That's very mentally healthy to be mentally solid. Yes. Actually, that that is.

So, you know, no. I I don't see a problem with that with with what you're doing with what you like. You just need to find the right person to do it. Mhmm. And I have a feeling there are probably more people out there who would be into it, would like it as much as you do, or would find some other benefit or joy from it, even if it's not a one to 1. You know, I am twofold on my masochism. There are some types of pain I genuinely enjoy. Okay?

I like a deep thud. I like it to feel like I'm getting that deep tissue massage. I like certain surface layer smacks that don't actually turn to sting. I enjoy that sensation. On the other hand, I accept sensations that if you asked me if I wanted them, I'm gonna tell you no. Why? Because for me, it's about enduring. It's about taking what JV can give me within my limits. The if anytime I feel kind of down about that, it's more that I feel bad

that I can't take more. Like I mentally cannot let myself go there to handle harder, worse, whatever, whatever. And that's that's just a me thing. JB's like I get what I get and we're good. Right? But so there are all kinds of reasons to, be willing to accept the pain and then take the label as masochist. I do think that I don't know what's more common. You know, is it more common to say you're having fun or you enjoy the pain?

Or is that the and nothing we do in BDSM is socially acceptable, but is it the more socially acceptable way to describe your masochism? Because most people, if they're not familiar with sadism and masochism, or if you come across a group that it's not a lot of people into that who would label themselves that, they get real weirded out when you're like, yeah. I wanna suffer. I want you to make it hurt. And for any reason other than, oh, yeah. By the way, I really enjoy it too.

And I also think I really enjoy it too is a blanket statement that can mean a whole hell of a lot of things. When I say I'm having fun like sometimes I'm having fun in the scene. We're laughing. We're joking. It hurts. I'm getting to squeal and dance and that's fun. And sometimes in the scene, it's not fun. In the scene, I'm like, I got to remember how to breathe here. How long can I go? How much can I take? Relax your body.

Relax your body. Relax your body. Right? Like, I'm going through all that because I am enduring something. I am purposefully allowing something I do not find pleasant because the part I'm enjoying and that I want and that I will, you know, I can accept all kinds of things in order to have is the service, is the submission, is the knowing

I'm doing something that makes JV happy. Like, there's all kinds of multilayered reasons that I think if you got into a conversation with a masochist who was comfortable with themselves could probably take you into those deep layers of what they're getting from their masochism. But when you're in a space where there's probably gonna be more than like one person going, oh my god. I'm a little scared for you. Are sure are you sure this isn't abuse? You I think people put like a

like paint a nice picture of it. Oh yeah. I'm having a good time, which is true, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're describing what is fun for you or why you're having a good time. Right? Like, sometimes it's a sensation. Some they're masochists who just fucking love the pain, and they're like, bring it on. And then sometimes it's, you know, it's it's there's nuance to it or there are other reasons that aren't necessarily getting shared.

You know? The way this person was describing their masochism, even though it's not how I experience my masochism in the same way or all the time there goes a kid texting now. I it resonated with me because of the reasons that I I can let you use toys I don't like, or hit so hard that there's a handprint. Look, he was spanking me this morning. It hurt like hell. It was not a sensation I would invite into my little masochistic world.

But Let's just say it hurt my hand, so I know it had to hurt you. It was the connection. It was the being pinned down. It was being rolled over so you could get better access. It was the marks I saw afterwards. It was all of that. Mhmm. Right? And, also, I I I handled that pain. I took it. I didn't necessarily like it, but I took it. And there was something

in in that for me as well. So I think it's more that, you know, unless you're in a space where you know those kind of nuances and conversations about sadism and masochism are welcome, I think it's that what really happens is most people only talk about it in a surface level

way. Mostly to reassure everybody around them. No, no, I'm not being abused or letting somebody you know, you kind of there's there's a lot of that even in the BDSM community where it's like, no, no, let me reassure everybody around me because they don't like it the way I like it, and this way they won't give me weird looks or You know what? Rahra just in the in the chat mentioned, you know, talked about what masochism

means to her. Mhmm. And and, you know, seeing that and this person's question and everything, I I bet dollars to donuts, if you ask 10 masochists what masochism means to them, you get 10 different answers. So I agree. I agree. And I think that's, you know, I've and that would track with me because if you ask somebody multiple people about submission, you're gonna get multiple different answers. It's just we don't get enough people talking in the in general BDSM spaces about

masochism or sadism. True. Because the thing that will get both non kingsters and just some kingsters looking at you like you are, you know, an abuser or a freak or whatever is sadism and masochism. Like and yet on the other end of the spectrum, there are plenty of kinksters who think they're not kinky because they don't like pain. Yeah. It's You know, I I have said this so many times. You can be a submissive and not be

a masochist. You can be a masochist and not have a submissive bone in your body. Mhmm. Mhmm. K. And this but this person even says that for them, it's part of this their service to it, Or there's the knowing that their partner was having a good time even if they weren't. I love how they were able to describe that in the moment of a scene, they were, like, they were worried. They were this. They were that. And then the moment they knew that their partner was, like, oh, yeah. That was

good. It shifted in their mind for them. That's And see, I can I can relate to that because, you know, whenever I'm I I look for that? I look for that reaction. Mhmm. So that you know that you're not the only one enjoying this. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Silence says the best. How about we just stop trying to put everything into neat little boxes? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I I we would have to, like, stop being human because apparently our brains are just try to do that naturally. So you do have to go against

your wiring a little bit. Some people do that, But I think it's just recognizing that there's nuance. So we have to use these bigger words, broader categories, to try and, like, fit ourselves into if we choose to do so. But those broad categories don't have a single simplified definition. Although they do have a broad definition, but what that means there's so much nuance into what those that definition means. To like pain does not mean that necessarily that you're like, hot damn. Bring on this

pain. There's something you like about it or some purpose it serves, And the best word most of us have is masochist. Mhmm. So Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna be I'm liking these so far, but I'm not ranting yet. No. I need somebody to piss me off. No. Okay. Oh, no. This one will probably do it. Okay. I remember this one. Like, I may have, you know, hope prospects here. I I've I've bigged it up about how I need to rant. That's how I know I probably won't rant.

Okay. I was talking to my partner about the nature of the DS relationship and he said some things that disturbed me. We're ready. A sub by Practice and Nature, 38 female. I like to think I'm familiar with DS dynamics. However, my partner, 43 Male, said some things recently that have me wondering if I'm mistaken or if this goes beyond being dominant and is indicative of potentially damaging behavior. My understanding is that the Dom's power only extends as far as the sub is willing

to relinquish that power. I also understand the euphoria of being lost in subspace, completely letting go and having absolute trust that while your Dom may push your boundaries, they will always keep you safe. The freedom in that trust is bliss. It's almost sacred. To me, that should come with the understanding that there are boundaries that should never be crossed with

the sub. Yes, safe words keep that boundary in check, but I like the comfort in knowing that my Dom would never, intentionally, push me me so far as to have to use it. I also want the security in knowing that the safe word will be respected if used during a scene. That means establishing those boundaries well before engaging in any play. The other night, while having a conversation with my partner, I expressed concern that I fear he wouldn't respect my boundaries.

There are absolute no go's for me during sex. During sex, actions that if knowingly crossed would lead me to heavily consider leaving the relationship. I told him explicitly what those things were. Don't choke me until I black out. Don't hit me in the face. And don't spit in my mouth. I also mentioned cutting me, later in the conversation. His response, That just makes me want to black you out, hit you in the face and spit in your mouth.

As a sub, you don't get to nitpick about every little thing the dom does like don't pull my hair, don't pinch my butt. In my mind, this isn't him wanting a DS relationship. I see no exchange of power in this scenario. I read that as him wanting absolute, unchecked control. Basically, I understood his response as you don't get to tell me what I can or cannot do to you. I decide where the line

is. I made the correlation that if this is his idea of fantasy play, he may also desire to obtain that same level of control in other aspects of our relationship. The implications of toxicity and abuse that can stem from this mindset scared me. I was visibly upset. He explained that he isn't telling me I don't have the power to say no. Only that within the DS dynamic power exchange comes from the sub giving control to the dom and they have to trust the dom.

That pushing the sub's comfort level is the point. He said, I misunderstood what he was telling me and I was self sabotaging the relationship by drawing irrational conclusions. Him equating being choked till I pass out to having my hair pulled was dismissive, and I felt he was mocking me. It makes me think he doesn't respect my boundaries, and I shouldn't trust him anymore in any regards. Did I fundamentally misinterpret the nature of a DS relationship? Do I have a right to

be concerned? Give me a second. I need to say this. Okay. Go right ahead. Why do so many clearly intelligent human beings who can see nuance and discuss these things so fucking clearly then get to the end and go, but wait, is it just me? You you have so much strength in you to outline this, to know what the fuck you want, to know what is acceptable. Do not gaslight yourself at the fucking end. You've already figured it out. Yeah. You already know the answer. You didn't disregard shit. You're

not a dumbass. You see it. Throw that motherfucker To the curb. Away away away away. Yeah. That that's some serious, serious stuff there. She's she is not incorrect about what her idea of of of DS should be. Yeah. He you know. Wow. I mean, the the scary thing is Mhmm. He put it all out there. He literally said, I'm gonna do the thing you said I couldn't do, and I should have the control. He literally just labeled himself. He just,

like, didn't just hold the red flag. He, like, did a little, like, a guard trick on the marching band field with the flag. Like, he's doing a show. He's in a parade with the flag, and it's a bouquet of flags. Like, the moment you tell me I can't do it, well, now that's all I wanna do. You are a scary motherfucker, and nobody should be within a fucking mile of you. Right. Because you are clearly untrustworthy. Even if it was said as a as a joke, it's a bad joke. It's it's

not how you maintain trust. It's not a responsible thing to say. Clearly, she did not take it as a joke. Right. Oh my I like and the I hate this. The red flags don't shock me anymore because God knows they're so fucking prevalent. And even her reaction and the questions she ended up asking at the end don't shock me, but they make me so sad.

I I get it when it's somebody who, you know, is when they're describing their issue, it's a very surface level sort of understanding of power exchange, or maybe they're super super new, or they only know what this partner has told them, and they haven't gotten far enough to like, you know Or maybe they're just really young and don't have a lot of life experience yet to like, you know, be able to see some things because of other things I've experienced.

This person was so clear and so thoughtful and so, like, knew her fucking self, knew what submission was for her, knew what power like, she's describing in my mind, like, textbook classic healthy fucking power exchange. Get to the red flag bullshit of fucking power exchange. Get to the red flag bullshit abusive part. Say how angry she is, but then because of her her own life experiences, this motherfucker, I don't know, gaslights herself and goes, am I misunderstanding? No, baby. You know.

You know what you know, and I need you to have the confidence to tell this motherfucker to kiss your ass and then take the principles that you know within yourself or what power exchange ought to be for you, and then go find somebody who can meet those expectations and then fucking exceed them. Because quite frankly, meets expectations is perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong

with that. But the the best time I've had in my life is when you get somebody who'll exceed those expectations and actually be better than you fucking expected them to be. It could be because the bar for, doms and, frankly, men quite in many cases is in hell. But, you know, when you leap over that bar, some of us are very impressed with it. Gold gold star, gold medal, pens across the board. I don't know. But that that's the part that pisses me

off. I can't even be I'm not happy with the red flags that that motherfucker is. I motherfucker get the fuck away. I hate you. But I'm more upset about how that somebody who is that articulate about what power exchange means to them and what submission is to them could still get twisted up and question herself and think that she has somehow misunderstood something. Mhmm. Excuse me. Oh. Anything else you would like to add? No. My cheeks are flushed. My cheeks are flushed.

Okay. Okay. This one, I'm not sure how I feel about the question. Okay. Because let me just get into it. It's a shorter one, actually. Why is every sub I meet the same? Is this a universal experience? How do I make it stop? Okay. I, female 20, am a switch. I've dated doms. I've dated subs. And I've dated switches. I'm also bi. Trigger warning. Brief mention

of mental health? Every time I date a sub or are in the talking stages I get a dramatic message about how they have mental health issues and need me to be with them where they can't live etcetera. I decided not to date subs again. Recently I met a sub and gave him a chance. He did the same, thing as everyone else. Why is this the case? Am I doing something that screams, Yes. Put your mental health responsibilities on my head? Don't worry about any of my problems. Just yours?

I've never had this with someone who's not sub. I've had it probably 5 to 6 times now with people that are submissive, more specifically men. I'm a people pleaser and don't wanna hurt his feelings more. I don't know how to respond to him. Can anyone give me some advice? I'm not gonna negate this person's experience. I will just go ahead and say, no. This is not a universal experience because there's no such thing as a

experience. Yeah. No. It's it's it's not. But this person has clearly had it way too often. Mhmm. And and, you know, I for me, I I would tend to look inward. Mhmm. And, you know, why am I attracting the same Why is the same person showing up over and over again? Yeah. You know, what what is going on here? What do I need to change? Or what are the similarities between those people? Not just submissives. That is clearly a similarity. Not even

just men. Is there an age factor? Is it from a specific kind of community that you'd you are a part of? Like, what's your what what's the pond you're fishing from here? Because there I think there may be more similarities and then part of what helps is you go, okay. Well, I don't know who my type is, but I whom I know who my type is not. And this is the list of criteria that I will probably avoid until given a reason not to. Yeah.

I agree with you though. Like, there comes a point where if if you're meeting the same type of person over and over again, that means you are being drawn to the same type of person over and over again. What's happening there? Right. I don't I will never say something is all or none. It is some. Clearly in this, I I'm not gonna invalidate their experience. They've gone through this. I think there are some people who use and we know this to be true because we have to rail against it every so

often. They use BDSM as therapy. Not to be therapeutic, but as therapy. They want somebody to maybe in submissive perspective, they want somebody to control them because they don't think they can control themselves. And there can be

some temporary benefit to that. There can be assuming that other parts of your life are, like, you kind of can handle it and there's just maybe there's just some facet of life that you are struggling with and you can enter into an ethical and safe and healthy power exchange relationship and get that support, but that is that's And, you know, I I remember it goes back quite a few years now, but, you know, there there were there was a time there were a few doms that I knew that,

you know, would openly say, and and these, let me let me clarify this a little bit before I go too much further. These were folks who were tops. Mhmm. Okay? And and a number they had been approached a number of times, for subs to ask for help with their mental health, and they refused to do it. Mhmm. And their reasoning behind it was the fact that, you know, you cannot put that responsibility on somebody else. Mhmm. Okay? God forbid anything happens Right. You know, that that's on our shoulders.

If you are taking the steps and doing the work, I will support you. Right. Right. Right. Okay? After we've developed some level of relationship and some level of rapport and some level of trust with one another. I mean, that's the other thing. Like, to support somebody in their mental health needs, if you choose to do that, if you are in the right place and want to do that. That's not like the person you just met in the DMs yesterday. Like, that's not how that works. That's

please. That should not be how that works. Right? Like, that support comes from places of mutual trust and and some level of affection. It doesn't have to be love. It doesn't have to be sexual. Just you care about each other, and typically it's because you have a sense that you will support them in this, and there may come a time that they will support you in that, whatever that happens to be. I would say that for this particular person or anybody who's kind of coming across the same

I would call this a red flag. Anybody who's starting the power exchange process by going, I need you to take care of me and fix me. Like, that's a red flag. That's that you know, we don't talk about the things that subs do that throw up red flags very often. We do have it way back in the archive, but this is one of them. Like, we don't we don't just go up to a person we just met and go fix me. Make me better. Do this for me. Right? Like, no. No. No. Yeah. And and

that then is not even DS. No. God, no. It's not. I mean, we've gone from turning that person into a kink dispenser, you know, that's what instead of that being what the dominochop is, they're just a therapist, and that's not their job. That's not how any of this fucking works. Now for this particular person, you know, we're we're talking about, okay, what are the other similarities between the folks that you're attracting? What are, you know where are

you how all those things. Yeah. Yeah. But the other thing is the conversations to weed folks out. Like, you can't stop somebody from approaching you with that energy. Like, you know, you could even put it in your bio. We know people don't read bios, right? But the kind of conversations that might be necessary just to weed folks out and get a sense of is this the message I'm gonna get in the middle of the night tomorrow, is to see what their understanding of power

exchange is. Most of the time these folks have a very superficial understanding of power exchange. They literally think their dom is supposed to just take care of them. They can turn off their brain. They never have to actually do anything again other than what their dom wants them to do. And, yes, you can negotiate something like that, but that's that's not just what power exchange is, quote unquote.

So if you're having to kind of weed through of who do I even give my attention to, you know, once you get past the, hey. How are you? Yeah. So whatever whatever. I don't know how to do small talk and opening conversations. Start, you know, figuring out what they think they know about power exchange. And if it stays really superficial and the vibe, you know, you don't they all and they potentially fit other markers of, wait, I I've seen this show before. I know how this ends.

Then you know, like, okay. Let's keep moving on. This isn't this isn't worth, you know, exploring. Baby Got A Bubble? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah. You know, I the everyone always first of all, is it, or does it just feel that way? If it is Mhmm. Yeah, what pond are you fishing in? Because Yeah. There's some there's some similarities drawing. Yeah. And You know, the same kind of folks. I I kind of think of it as, you know, the the, definition of insanity. Mhmm. Doing the same thing over and over

again expecting different results. Yeah. You know? And and that's why I say, I think this is one of those times where they need to maybe sit back and kinda introspect and change what they're doing a little bit, and that might be Mhmm. And in this case, at the very end, they say I'm a people pleaser. Don't wanna hurt his feelings more. I don't know how to respond to them. I think that the response can be as simple as, that's not what I'm looking for. I hope you find what you are looking for.

There are times, depending on how far you've gone in the conversation I'm not a fan of ghosting. Just, you know, have the hard conversations. But there are times when you have not established a relationship with somebody yet. They're just in your DMs probably. You don't owe them anything. You do not owe them anything. You know, once you've gotten to a negotiation standpoint, maybe you've met in person, something a little deeper But but right off the bat, that was a full sentence.

And quite frankly, it's okay to go, yeah. No. I'm not doing that. Mhmm. I hope you, you know, find what you're looking for and then be done. And then and then if you need to, and maybe preemptively, it's okay if you do it preemptively, block them. You don't have to have them in your inbox. You don't have to have them on your phone. You don't have to have them in your life if you're not going to move forward with anything. So yeah. I think coming up with you know, I get it as I'm a people

pleaser. I get it. Coming up with kind of a script to have, which can be simple as, no. I'm not doing that. And then, you know, that's not being rude. That's not being mean. That's being direct, and that is a great form of communication in life and in BDSM. So just have it ready at the go if you need it for anything for anything that you're like, this is this isn't what

I want. I'm not this but also I think I think they're already figuring out in that we've we've kind of touched on this in the past, usually when I'm ranting, so I probably don't make a lot of sense. But there we have to have every one of us who is trying to meet people in any sort of way, you have to have your own mental or physical list of who you want versus who you don't want. And I don't mean down to how tall they are, the color

of their eyes, color of their skin. Like, that's not what I'm talking about. There are too many people in the world who have access to all of us through social media and different platforms at all times, especially if you're looking for a partner. Yeah. It's like drinking from a fucking fire hose. Right? So you have to create some kind of template, some kind of criteria, some kind of, there's a term I want and I can't think of it, but it's like a shorthand.

Right? Where you can look at somebody's profile and go, yeah. That's not for me. That's not for me. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them. That doesn't mean they're, you know The best numbers for you. They're not for you, and then you you make those split second decisions based on a few details you see. Does that mean that you potentially, you know, moved on from somebody who could have been an amazing yeah. I mean, yeah.

But that's always fucking true. You could be walking past somebody in the grocery store that in another life could have been your best friend, but you were in the grocery store and we don't talk to strangers. Like, I mean, that's just the nature of it. There are 8,000,000,000 fucking people on the planet. There's always more than one who we will vibe with, but there's too many of them coming at us online.

So you have to create that system in your own head for who's gonna get your attention, who's not. If you are finding that there is some consistency in the people you are giving your attention to, meaning something negative, that's red flags you keep coming up against, it's this kind of response from submissives, it's something consistent, then it's time to go deeper and go, okay. Is the shorthand I'm using for how to, like, filter through people, is that it's the filter.

That's the filter you have. Right? Is is there something broken in my filter? Am I filtering through the wrong people for me? How do I but the you know, there's a lot of debate online about having preferences and, you know, the the line between a preference being fetishizing and or prejudiced. Right? And that is not the we this is not the time for that conversation. That's way too fucking nuanced.

But there's a wide ass spectrum between fetishizing somebody and being bigoted against them in terms of your preference for them. The vast majority of us fall somewhere in the middle where we're just fine to find trying to find people we vibe with. That's all we're trying to do. And you have to have some level of preference because everybody isn't for everybody. It's just not how life works. And there's too many damn people coming at us all the damn time, especially if you're on apps

where the whole purpose is. And I don't know which direction are you supposed to swipe, left or right? I don't know. Never fucking done it before. Don't wanna do it. Those of you who do it, you are, you know, God's favorite soldiers because I swear to God I couldn't fucking do it. I'm sorry. Anytime somebody's like, how do you meet somebody? I'm like, well, you're gonna have to start a sex blog and you're gonna have to put your tits on the Internet. It's the only way I know how to

do it. Okay. Alternatively, you can have a podcast, but then that gets weird because then there's this audience content creator. This is weird. But, yeah, I just no. It's it's okay to have preferences and to filter through people based on those preferences. Okay. Last one. This one is also, I think, one for you as well as as our resident dom. Okay. It's another long one. I just started doming, and I feel like I'm a monster.

My boyfriend confessed he was into subdom relationships, and he basically gave me a few hard lines. He said he want wanted to sort of explore everything and decide what he likes with me as a partner. We have the color code and we have various safe words for different things. We change a play style, give a break, you know, whatever it might be. We have discussed consent significantly.

And I have had several conversations with him outside of play, trying to understand what it is like for him, making sure he's okay, everything. I grew up in an abusive household and I very specifically chose to not repeat generational trauma. I got my degree in psychology. I teach healthy communication classes. I volunteer at the women's center and help people write up statements for courts. It involves a lot of comforting and empathy. I work as a mentor with kids.

Everyone knows me and I know myself as someone who is super kind and willing to give. I go out of my way to be the good in the world I want to see. With that being said, it is terrifying how good I am at doming. Her first DS session. I got him into Subspace. Our second try, I had him there for 30 minutes. He told me it usually takes a month for normal doms to get him where I got him in a day. I say the filthiest things. I have slapped him, spit on him, choked him, taken degrading

photos of him. I have stared him dead in the eyes and have told him how worthless he is. In my defense, he absolutely loves it and melts. I can see the excitement behind his eyes as he has no idea what I'll do next. I've never seen this side of myself before. I didn't know it was there. I feel like I shouldn't continue my volunteer work now that I know I have so much darkness inside of me. I'm genuinely scared. In a weird way, I see myself when

I look at him as a sub. It is so fucking beautiful to see him completely vulnerable and desperate. I take him through these crazy scenes and then I gently ask him if he's ready to come out of subspace. After that, I kiss every inch of his face. I tell him I adore him. I end up being the big spoon and hold him against my chest. He keeps asking for more. He tells me how insanely good it is and how desperate he is for more. I just don't know what to do. I

am off the rails. I made him wear my panties to work and send me pictures. I've hit him, choked him, made him clean my feet with his tongue. I have said so many insults. It's insane. I was given consent, but I have made it such a part of my personality to never let that out. I thought it wasn't there. Now I know I just repress everything cruel. Do any other doms feel this way? How do you balance yourself? Is there a better

way to think about this? Yes. Giving somebody some something they want and are actively asking for and are enjoying every second of it is the, antithesis of cruelty, quite frankly. Yeah. First off, let me welcome you to the dark side. Also, can we, like, negotiate a scene? Because some of that sounded really fucking hot. I'm so sorry. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. You know, we have great cookies. Yep. Yep. The dark side does do cookies the best. And and, you know, no. You are not a monster.

We all have darkness. Everybody. Yeah. You can't have the light without the darkness. You you know, we we we all have dark sides, and and I think this in a way is, you know, how we light it out to play. And also, their darkness is not inherently badness. It's just a side that the whole world can't see, is not allowed to see, shouldn't see. Mhmm. And, I I have to say I, feel a a bit of camaraderie with this. I thought of you when I was reading

this. You know with with this person, from the background that they that they came from. So yeah. I I can, very strongly relate to that, but no. None of that does not make a monster, because the fact that you are questioning whether it makes you a monster, tells me that you have moral safeguards. Yes. Yes. Okay. Mhmm. The fact that you know that in any other circumstance this would be bad Right. Is necessary to this. Right? You do this only with consent. You do this only because

your partner really enjoys it. And you were clearly enjoying it until your wonky moral compass kind of like it it sounds like both the shit you went through and the shit you've seen that were actual abuse. It's hard to separate it just by the action of consent but that is what fucking separates it. It's the pleasure and consent that somebody gets. The fact that you will stop. You understand abuse. You know abusers don't fucking stop just because you said something.

You will and do and probably have would never go beyond those bounds. Right? You are already proving that you are the opposite of any abuser. You are giving your partner exactly what they want, what they've asked for, what they enjoy. You stop when you know you need to stop. You're checking in with them. You're taking care of them afterwards. Oh my god. Yeah. They they have safe words. They use the the color codes system. Care. Like, that's beautiful aftercare.

I'll take some of that myself. I will big spoon you any day, daddy. I know you will. I cannot I can't speak from experience here. I cannot imagine what it must be like to both be the victim of abuse and to help people who have been abused and also then do actions that with no context from the outside looking in within your own mind you have associated with abuse, that has to be a mind fuck. That has to be a mind fuck. But I know.

There there are ways to navigate it because people have gone through that kind of thing in their past and found BDS. And there are and there are times that I ask myself that too, you know, be because of where I came from. You know, where is this coming from? Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? You know, what what is behind this? Is this just what it is? You know, and it or is there something, you know, hidden behind there that that's pushing

this? And, you know, I I like to think that I I like how that person can you bring it back up? Oh, sure. Please and thank you. You know, I I like how they they talk about the things that they did to take it back. Yeah. You know, that they they went into, you know, to study psychology and, you know, helps kids and and does that. That that is fantastic. That is fantastic.

You know, take it back. I mean, one of the things that that oh, I can't I don't know where to Did did your clumsy hamster fall off your Yeah. I have to climb the wheel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You I you feel this personally because you

have gone through some version of this. And I know in the past you've talked about several times about part of what helped you reconcile your sadism, which I think still comes falls under all of this, is hearing that, the the other side of the slash enjoys it, wants it, requests it. Yeah. And there's a way to stop it. That is you know, it's a simplification.

Right. And I'm not a fan of simplifications, but for the purpose of this discussion, because the nuances are gonna be difficult and maybe even triggering, and I'd rather not go there for anybody. The simplification is the reason BDSM gets such a bad rap is because from the outside with no context, yes, it appears abusive. Because that's that's without the context. That's without that's without knowing

anything. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's it's a side effect to the fact that when that happens, that's what makes the news. That also does. I mean, yeah, the media perpetuates it. Yeah. But once you're in it, in this case, you are inside of it. You are no longer on the outside looking in. You are in the middle of it, and what you have literally described is probably, I don't know, 75 to 80 percent of submissive's, like, fucking dreams. Not what you've done, but the way you're doing it. The fact

that your submissive is so happy. The fact that your submissive is craving more. There are plenty of us on that side of the slash who are like, where do I sign up for this magic? Because that sounds delightful. You are literally giving your partner what they ask for and that you are willing to do. You're having a good time. It's the dichotomy in your brain.

And I would imagine it's because there is some part of you, even if it's on a subconscious level you're not consciously thinking of, there's some part of you that says, BDSM is abuse because the activities mirror abuse. They mirror it when you have, like, when you have zero nuance, when you don't know what you're looking at, when you're when you don't take into account the the bottom or the sub's joy and pleasure. Right? And those are the

things that separate it from abuse. Consent, communication, the willingness to stop, the pleasure both sides of the slash are receiving. We all know that in abuse, at least half of that dynamic is miserable. Right? Like that's that's what abuse is. So I'm not saying I can just say this and somebody can go, Oh, now I think differently. No. No. No. I think to the extent that this person feels comfortable with it, it's time to, online or in person, find community. Get to know other people.

Quite frankly, some of the kindest people, the most the people who give back the most, who sometimes do the most for others, are kinksters for all kinds of reasons. Whether it's your background, whether it's just your giving nature, whatever whatever. I think this person needs to find some level of community so that being a dom can be as long as it's something she wants to continue to do,

can be a little normalized for her. And so that she can ask questions of other people who have already wrestled with these things. You know? There's no simple answer to tell somebody how to wrestle with it, how to, you know, see it differently. You know, what what, mental blocks you have to overcome because it's gonna be different for everybody.

You know, the thing this person I don't think can know and understand, because they probably have not lived through this part of the kink experience, is that the fact that you're even asking, the fact that you even worry about it the abusers don't fucking worry about anything. They're not worried about you. They're not worried about their partner. You are, which already puts you leaps and bounds from Because it those those things are things you

think about. Even when we first got together and we were starting to build our our power exchange, you know, I told you one of the concerns I have right up front is that, you know, absolute power corrupts absolutely. Right. And and, you know, how do I keep myself in check? Right. You know? Because it's the responsibility of being a dom, a top, or whatever. But those yeah. Those are things I I

have thought of. Mhmm. You know? Yeah. I would be a little concerned if Dom's top sadists aren't having at least a moment of wrestling with the idea of wait, wait, wait. Yeah. In another context, I could go to jail for this. Like, if you're not wrestling with it, what I'm I'm scared for you. Yeah. You should have at least a moment of pause of wait. Is this really okay? Am I okay? Are they okay? There's nothing wrong with thinking

that, you know. We are raised, most of us, in a society that says don't don't purposely hurt people. In BDSM, some of us are like, please, Jesus, God, purposely hurt me. I'm begging you. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, to to some people in DS, you know, their their bruises are badges of honor. You saw my face light up when I talked about him. Yeah. You did. Handprints. So yeah. I I get where this person's coming

from. I hope, she finds the support system, the community, hears the right thing from her submissive something that allows it to click in her head for her, what what the true difference is. Because there's nothing wrong with wrestling with it. I'm I'm I admire people. I think you should wrestle with it. Right? But to wrestle with it means you're coming from a place of, oh, BDSM is inherently abusive.

And it's until you make change that understanding in your own brain on us all the way down to a subconscious level where you're not thinking about it. You just know. Mhmm. You know? Yeah. Yeah. One good rant. Well, technically, 2 good no. One good rant. 2 good rants. I don't know. Yes. I don't know what to say about all of that. We're done. No. That was the last one. Okay. That's all I got. I don't know. Mhmm. I don't know. So, are we good? You should not ask me that.

Keep it kinky, y'all. And will see you next week. Oh, that's right. Yeah. I don't What? Don't I don't have to I don't have anything to write down. Like, I'm gonna wait here patiently. Program kicked the bucket. Why is he not writing down numbers like he does? No. No numbers to write down. No numbers to write down. Okay. This is gonna be a fun edit after you pull the audio. Well, the the the part that's gonna, like, probably really suck is to get the video to pull

the audio. Yeah. That's the part that's gonna suck. I see, me learning Some new skills? New skills and new programs just to get will the podcast episode come out at midnight on Friday? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. We shall see. This this is I'm not at the point of being frustrated or overwhelmed or, like, at the end of my rope, that kind of thing. But this does feel like an just one of the sprinkles on a a heavily sprinkled birthday

cake on the icing of chaos. Like, every day in January has had something chaotic. Mhmm. Like, we got a couple days where it was quiet. We hadn't come back to work yet. We were just chilling. Life was good. And then it was like the moment we said, okay. We're ready to face 2025 now. Every fucking day. And that's not even to mention what's happening outside of our house and in the world around us. Yeah. I, yeah. I I don't disagree with you. I feel like I've already lived the whole year of 2025.

Yeah. Yeah. This is the longest month. But, you know, you're you're not wrong. There there is there there's been some form of chaos going on, but there's also been a lot of good Yeah. We've had happening this month Yeah. In our personal life. Yeah. You know? And I a good portion of it we'll be talking about in the Patreon Bonus. Yeah. Bonus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But, silent, I will let you. Silent's offering to get the audio so easily. I will let you. I will thank you. Thank you. Thank

you. Yeah. So but, I don't know. We're we're doing good. It's, we actually have a warm day today. I know. It's in the low seventies. It's a like, it's a beautiful Florida day as Florida should be. Right. As the myth, every one of us has been sold about Florida, and it is genuinely a myth, not just Yeah. From a climate perspective, but from an everything else perspective. Yeah. From an everything else perspective. I may even open the windows a little bit after this.

Oh, we need to because the house needs to be aired out. It needs to be aired. And it's actually colder in here than it is outside. This house holds a temperature really, really hot. Once it gets to a certain temperature, it does hold it. Mhmm. That's a good thing when it's cold outside and you walk in and it's nice and warm and the heat hasn't been on for an age. It's disconcerting when you walk outside and it's, like, there's the temperature's super off. Like, it

it was chilly yesterday, day before. I don't know. It wasn't cold by any means, but it was, like, there was a chill in the air. And then I walked in the house and it was cold in the air. Like, we had turned on the air. I was like, what is happening here? So Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's just I don't think I've had a full I'm I'm trying to be better in 2025 to to most of the time to only do Monday through Friday for work, which kind of keeps me on task even though I'm fighting myself about to do

lists. I don't know. Probably I don't know. And so, you know, by giving myself an artificial deadline, because clearly I control my own work life, I get more weekends. You know, we get more rest. Right? And it's not gonna work all the time. We're self employed and sometimes you are working 80 hours in a week. That's just what you're doing. But I don't think I've had a full uninterrupted able to focus on the day work day since we came back from break. Every day

has had something. It's either had there's been an appointment to take somebody to. I don't know why January was when we had to do all the things, but we did all the things. We're doing them all in January. Or there's phone calls to make or there's, like, personal life fires to put out or there's research to do on something. It's like, I just can I just have a day where I'm allowed to just work? Like, I

I crave routine. I thrive with routine. I need routine, and I have not had a good routine yet for the month of January. And that's not even when I start talk when I start thinking about how I can get myself caught up in doomscrolling in the name of trying to feel like I am informed about the world. We made personal decisions about how we would stay informed and guard our own mental health now and for the next 4 years to the extent that we can.

And so I try to be really mindful of where I'm getting news from, and I try to be mindful of what my algorithms are trying to feed me and then try to engage with the stuff I really wanna see. But, man, your algorithm will be algorithming. And I'm like, I wasn't trying to see all this stuff and now I'm terrified I don't like to go hide under the bed. I'm not gonna do that. But can I can I just see some cute cats and some precious dogs? That's all I wanna see on the Internet right now. So yeah.

Yeah. I would just like I would just like a day where it's just it's a day and I put I put my, like, clothes I don't mind getting dusty and dirty on, and I come into the office and I work. And I work until it's time to eat lunch, and then I have a lunch, and then I go back to my desk, and then I work some more. And then around dinner time, I go, I think I shall be done for the day. And then I'm just fucking done. That's that's the the dream. And since we came back from break, I

don't think I've had that. Now the 1st week we came back, I was living the dream that was a lie because I was segmenting my day. Like, the morning was all kinkery stuff. That's all I did. The afternoon was all the other shit I do. Wednesdays were just loving BDSM. It was perfect. I kind of got that demarcation in my work for 1 week in the middle of all the chaos. 1 week. I haven't had it since. Not since. I don't know. I don't know. I saw,

several things right at the New Year. People were talking about how if we kind of followed the natural calendar, not the art the one no. The one we live under, but, like, nature's calendar. Yeah. New Year would really be, like, in the March time frame and not, like, for Northern Hemisphere folks, dead of fucking winter. Yeah. And I was like, I kinda could get behind that because But didn't they just, celebrate Chinese New Year? I think that's happening or about to happen. Okay. Lunar New Year.

Yeah. Year of the snake, if I remember. Oh, really? Okay. I always forget what year I am. Maybe year of the horse? I can't remember. I need to go look. So yeah. Yeah. It's just I'm just I want things to thank god I happen to both remember that I have a doctor's appointment next week and that I could get to the website to confirm the date because I was like, I I think I have a doctor's appointment next

week, but there's nothing on the calendar. But there was Lola's doctor's appointment next week, and there was the kids' something something. I can't remember what he's got going on. We're doing something with him. And then I think there was something that maybe you were going to do. I was like, oh, shit. Did and we only have one car now. Remember? Like, oh, shit. Thankfully thankfully, it does not conflict. It does not conflict because that's not an appointment I can

reschedule. That appointment's been made for a year. The Dyna College's office is not one you just call up and you get in Yeah. Like, even in the same week. So yeah. I was like, Yeah. I just I don't know. Maybe maybe this is just the nature of things, and nothing will be calm again, maybe ever. I don't know. Maybe maybe we're all destined for chaos. I don't know. I don't know. But I just Yeah. I know. So I've been escaping reality, currently reading a vampire y

choose. They kind of have the same sex over and over again. There's been I think there's a 4th person who will be part of the female main character's, like, group, but her her first three don't like this one. They don't trust him. And, also, he's he thinks he's destined to die. And I'm in the last 45 minutes of this 4 book series, But it those the storytelling is so rich that I actually have overlooked way more grammatical errors than I would prefer to see in a book.

And the fact that the sex is kind of always the same. And this is one of those situations where, first time, double penetration and she's never done anal, but man that giant like forearm sized cock sure as shit got in there like going down a slip and slide. And you know, I did read 1 series. I cannot remember, y'all know my brain is about books. I did read 1 series where part of the world building, the magic, allowed you to, like, do a spell and relax that shit so you didn't have to

have painful anal sex. I was like, cool. You built it into the world. You're consistent with it. I can accept it. Use magic. I think the real world would love to have that kind of magic. Right. But when it's more of a, oh, yeah. Yeah. She's never done this before. She's actually practically a virgin because the first time she ever had sex was like 5 pages ago. But it's just all you need to do.

And she's the way the way her desire, the wetness is described, she should be carrying around a water bottle way more than dripping. It's dri and and the way these men coming in her is described because they're all they're all massive. Right? Like, so big you mostly are like, get the fuck away from me because I'm not trying to get internal energy injuries. But apparently, they ejaculate so much that it's always on her thighs while they're still inside of her.

I okay. I clearly have not ignored all of that, but the still the world building and the actual story of the conflict they're trying to resolve is so good that I roll my eyes, but then I keep on rolling because I gotta get to the end of the story. How does how does this all work out? Does the baddie no. It was not written by a man. It was not silent. No. No. And I've read another series by this author where the world building was amazing. Like you could I'm a romance girly.

Please be fucking in the pages of a book I'm reading. The the story and the world was so good. You could have taken all the romance out. I'd have kept reading it and would have fucking loved it. That I mean, this author is good at that, but it's the downside of when you read somebody's entire series back to back. No breaks. No time to, like, kind of forget. Because I see all the patterns and I see all the repeats and I see the habits that

writer has of how they describe shit. And I'm like, that's a lot of come in between her thighs every time. Are they over hydrating? What is happening? Why is she sopping, sopping wet? Like every time her her under underwear being wet. Okay. I've been there. Her pants? She's wearing jeans and soaked through? That's a medical condition. You need to go to the doctor. I every every time? No. And then, of course, it's vampires so they scent her desire

all the fucking time. They scent when she's had sex with somebody all the fucking time. I'd be like, I would just live in the shower. I don't think I can handle all that sniffing around me. You need to start an erotic book club podcast. It would just be me ranting about it would just be me ranting about shit that annoys me in books or me trying to describe a book that I really enjoyed. But do I remember the characters' names? Do I remember the name of the book? No. I do not. Oh, god.

Anyway, I'm I got, like, 30, 45 minutes left of the 4th book in the series. I I need it's romance. You know how it ends, but, I mean, it can it's sometimes good enough storytelling. I'm like, wait. Are you gonna surprise me and it's not gonna end the way it better fucking end? I need to know. The baddie is super fucking baddie. He's overpowered.

Like he- which- what that means, what I've learned, with this much left of the book, the conflict resolution of dealing with the bad guy will take way less time than it ought to. It won't be an epic battle of multiple pages and a couple of different viewpoints and a lot of action. It will likely wrap up way too quickly. For all this for all this buildup thank you, Tayceu. Tayceu is now naming my fictional, pretend podcast. I see that. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah. I don't know. I just but I'm enjoying it. This is a series that I might actually have to, like, take a day or two break away from reading to, like, get my bearings again because just there's just enough that I'm like, what is happening here? Why is that happening? Why? Why is that happening? Also You're getting encouragement. Yeah. Of course. Also, I'm looking for recommendations. I need to go put it in our Discord too. I'm looking for recommendations. I fucking love

why choose? I love fantasy elements. Like, whether it's paranormal or it's, like, the fae and demons and what whatever. I would like all of that, but I would like the sex and the interactions between the characters to be kinky. I am tired of them trying to tell me how dominant this partner is. No baby, he's not. He's not big D dominant. Little D dominant. Not big D dominant. Because a lot of the BDSM stuff I find, it's contemporary. I don't really like contemporary. I am trying to

get out of the real world. Okay? When I am reading, please don't put me in 21st century anywhere. Okay? Quite frankly, don't put me in anything from 1979, to present because that's my lifetime and that's too close to home. No. No. I'll take historical. I'll take not of this universe, 5.09. I'll take pure fantasy, couldn't be our world. I just I I love why choose. That should be that should be so fucking jinky. Kinky, why choose? That's like that's like my

wet dream. Like, a couple of, like, characters of any gender who are, like, battling for, like, the top and Dom energy. We read that I read that one series. It was a dystopian thing. And it did it. It was all the men were dominant except one was Switchy. And so he wanted to dominate the female main character, but he submitted for one of the other characters. And the like, the energy was so good. You just saw the pilot episode, folks. I don't know.

I don't know how much value me yelling into a microphone for however long without naming a book. Don't get characters' name. Anyway, fantasy, historical, paranormal. I'll take dystopian futuristic. Not not contemporary. Romance? Why choose kinky? That's what I'm looking for. That's like and well written. Like, please do not let the cum just be seeping out around the giant massive could hurt somebody dick that she manages to take so fucking well. Anyway. Anyway. On that note. On that note.

We'll see. I mean, it wasn't the rant that I intended. But it was a rant anyway. I do feel cleansed. I do feel cleansed. Yeah. Yeah. I love Katie Robert Emily. Thank you, Midnight I think do I own Midnight Ruin? I have part of I own part of one of her series. I don't know if I own Midnight Ruin. I might. For a while I was collecting physical books. Katie Roberts' main series, from Neon Gods and Electric

that one. I started collecting the physical books and then I became unable to read physical books, the glasses I have and the lighting I have. And we have now fixed all of that. I have better lighting in the living room. I have I have learned I'll just take my fucking glasses off and just hold it, like, 6 inches away from my nose and read just fine. So I can start reading that series again and maybe collecting and to own the whole series because Katie Roberts Katie Roberts writes.

Neon Gods is the first book in one of her series. I've also read because it's on Kindle Unlimited. There's a series she did about demons, and there's the demon king. He's trying to keep his I can't remember what the name of the series is. But in the final book of the series, the big bad demon king, I cannot remember his name. He's a daddy dom demon, and it is delightful. It is delightful. I like that series. Cannot remember what that series is called. This is why I can't do anything with books.

How am I gonna be helpful? Okay. Anyway. Anywho A silence like Kayla's asking for a unicorn author now. Yes. I am. Okay. We're gonna go Yep. And let the rest of our chaos commence. Mhmm. And, I really hope podcast listeners you're gonna get to hear the sound of her voice this week. I really hope so. Okay. We'll go. Okay. Bye y'all. Bye.