BDSM Reddit Response

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode four fifty five. Kayla Lourdes here with the one, the only, the I'm losing my touch. I can't think of anything sassy, snarky, or silly to say. The amazing Joan Brownstone, whom I love, very much so. And I'm not even asking for anything. I might later, but I'm not now. I still love you. I love you too. Aw. That was that was a full throated acceptance. You're supposed to just say thank you. It's okay. It's okay.

Let's, move along, shall we? Look, I mean, just starting as I mean to go on. Chaotically. It's fine. Speaking of that, the world is chaos. It feels like it's on fire. Don't look at the news if you don't have to. At least for a little bit. Save your mental health. Stay informed. Be a responsible citizen. But also take a break from it is all I'm saying. And since we could all use a break, let's do a BDSM Reddit response episode. Let's

see if I can rant. We can have a palate cleanser, and we can work out all our aggression on people who should know better. That's that's where my whole thing. That's what I'm going for. Okay. Okay. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your Kiki pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add

the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at lovingbdsmpc, on blue sky at lovingbdsm. Blah blah blah blah blah. On Instagram and technically threads at that handle, I will forever fucking hate with the passion of a thousand fiery suns. It's loving d s and the number one, so at loving d s one. I hate it with every fiber of my being. But I can't have what I want, so here we are.

Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm, where you can watch us live streaming the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest folks. We are able to be weird and chaotic on the Internet in large part because of our kinky patrons, and we are grateful for

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Okay. So before we get into this week's episode Mhmm. We're gonna start a thing for before we get into topics for I don't know how many I don't know how many weeks it'll last until I don't have anything to share. But this time will be the time I explain why we're doing what we're doing and then from here on out we'll just go, hey our link of the week is blow up. So we are not going into details. I'm sorry if this seems cryptic. Even if you attempt to guess, I will not confirm nor deny anything.

We're we have changes in our life with people we know and it's not our story to tell. We're actually still actively in the early days of everything, so wouldn't talk about it now anyway because it's happening actively. But for reasons, I have been searching for, finding, and working with a lot of trans affirming care, gender affirming care, trans health care resources. Okay?

And I've started collecting a lot of resources and links that that I need that I need that I'm, like, helping somebody with and I'm bookmarking left, right, and center. And the other day I just went, I cannot sit on these links. I need I know people know how to Google and I have no doubt most trans people may be aware of most, if not all, of the ones that I have found. I am not special. I am not Christopher Columbus. I have discovered nothing.

But some of these things took multiple Google searches to finally get to a couple of things I came upon by accident. I was like, oh, I didn't know that was a thing. Couldn't have known to Google it even if I had tried. So my whole philosophy has always been it's why I had a sex blog. It's why we have a power exchange podcast. Is if I didn't know something, somebody else didn't know it either. And if I needed the information, somebody else needs the information.

So, each week, especially as we're actively doing this, I have no doubt I'm gonna gather even more resources and learn about new, organizations each week until we run out, we're gonna share a Resource of the Week. I don't know if it'll help somebody whose partner is, you know, figuring out they're trans and trying to work, you know, work through what that looks like for them. I don't know if it'll be for a person who has figured out who they are or is just trying to, like, get to new stages of

their transition or whatever whatever. But I just some if one person comes across this, finds out about a resource they didn't know about, and gets help, it's fucking worth it to me. Okay? So this will be the long winded one because I had to tell you why we got here and how we got here. Each the future weeks I'll be like, Hey, our link of the week is blah blah. The other thing is I do not expect everybody to listen in order week to week to

week for what the resource is. We, are going to compile those links, on our website. The link for that is, in the places. It's actually on the stuff we recommend because it didn't fit anywhere else. I don't know. I might make a new page at some point but it is linked. Okay? Right now the only day of recording, the only link that is there is this week's link because I didn't have time to do all my other links. But eventually I'll get them all up there even before we talk

about them here. So the first one I want to talk about, is the, site and the organization is called Campaign for Southern Equality. Their mission statement on their site and pasted it because I didn't wanna say it wrong. They are working to build a South where LGBTQ plus people are equal in every part of life. A South where your ZIP code doesn't determine your rights. Where all of us are free to be who we truly are and love who we truly love. Random Google search sent me there. I looked

around on their website. They've got a lot of good resources, not just for for trans folks, but they have very specific resources and help for trans both adults and kids, trans people. In everything we've been doing, I ended up scheduling a phone call. Y'all know how I feel about phone calls. And the person I talked to was absolutely lovely, gave legitimate good help. And that phone call only lasted ten minutes, so even better. Even better.

And that with the information that I was in the process of gathering, that sent us down paths that we are now going down. Extremely helpful, if you are like us living in a state where your government has decided to just start taking away rights. It's very frustrating. It is very frustrating. It is scary. The rhetoric that was coming out of our federal government late last week and over the weekend was terrifying. Yeah. I

know it's not new. I know it's not new, but It's kind of ramping up a little bit. Right. So, if you happen to live or somebody you care about happens to live in a state and they're like, what the hell am I supposed to do? My state has banned all this. It's not allowing. It's making it harder. It's putting in unnecessary red tape, feel free. The link is in the places. I hope somebody else can get use out

of that particular resources. Any of these resources we'll end up talking about, but especially that one. That was the one where I got off the phone and I just cried happy tears. I was like, well that was delightful. And look, I have actionable information I can do something with. I have learned in the past several weeks that that is like the best thing somebody can give me while I'm trying to figure things out.

And I appreciated it. So Campaign for Southern Equality is not just for trans affirming care, but if you are that's that's our connection to it. So but if you are, you know, living in the South, LGBTQ plus there you go. Check that out if, you need to. Send it on to somebody you might know who could benefit. So that is that. Okay. All that and I have to take a sip of my Diet Coke. It's my first Diet Coke of the day, so it's a very special Diet Coke. It all does mean that I'm gonna get bubbles and

hopefully not into the microphone. Nobody wants that. Okay. So we have several posts from the kinky side of Reddit. Let's start the title of this one. My sub refused to say the safe word. TLDR, my sub had a terrible experience during a session and refused to use her safe word. I feel betrayed, confused, and worried. I may have hurt her without knowing it. What do I do now? That's that's what we're getting to, but here's the story. Let me lean closer because I got old

lady glasses. Okay. After our session last night, during the aftercare, we were joking and relaxing, and I was debriefing with her. She had several powerful orgasms, so she was exhausted, but she was in, what appeared to me, a good mood. I know her very well. We've been together for more than ten years, and nothing special was on my radar at this point. After a few questions about what I did and how I did it, her her answers started to

feel a little bit off. So I pressed her gently because I was not sure about what she meant exactly. Then jokingly, she said that what I said at one point was not okay at all, that it made her feel miserable, not in the, quote, good way during the playing session. Like, really, really miserable. But she added that in the end, it was alright. And now that I was aware of it, I could adjust easily and never do it again. I was surprised and curious. I apologized sincerely.

I felt terribly uncomfortable and sorry. She was still smiling and joking at this point, but I was not. I asked her how bad it was, what exactly did I say wrong. I wanted to know exactly where I messed up. I also added that I was shameful because I didn't see anything wrong during the session, only her pleasure. Then she became very serious all of a sudden, and she started to cry. She said it was a horrible experience, that she felt

bad. She didn't like it at all, that my words did make her feel like shit, and she had to focus pretty hard not to lose focus and still be able to have orgasms. I was shocked. I asked her why she didn't say the safe word. I was so confused. She answered that she didn't want to at first. Then she hesitated, then tried to, didn't

manage to, and finally decided not to. After that, she said she didn't want to talk about this anymore, that this was the end of the conversation, that it was alright because I would learn my lesson and not do it anymore. So everything was fine now. But is it though? We cuddled and spent the rest of the evening doing something else and sharing affection. The things I've said, we already talked about them previously. The things I've done, we have done them countless times before.

I'm so confused. I'm hurt. I feel sadness, shame, anger, all at the same time. I also feel betrayed. She refused to say the safe word when she was feeling bad while it was her responsibility. But now I feel like shit because I saw nothing of it and she was under my responsibility too. I love her. The idea that her session was something she had to go through rather than enjoy breaks my heart. It never happened before from what I can tell at least. I don't know if my

judgment means anything at this point. And now I'm not sure if I can trust her anymore or if I can trust myself either, to be fair. Maybe it wasn't the first time. Maybe it will happen again on another topic without me noticing once again. Lastly, I feel guilty and like an asshole because she's the one that had to endure a session that felt wrong and that I inflicted her on her somehow. And yet I'm still here whining and saying that I feel terrible.

My plan is to try to understand why she didn't wanna say the safe word exactly and, what else, plan our sessions even better? I can't think straight anymore, but what I know is that I really wanna make things right from now on. I'm lost. I need help. What would you do? And I'm gonna the reason I chose this one, because for all that we lecture, subs, you gotta use that safe word. You got Mhmm. This is what the other side of

it can look like. That's true. When a dom is like, I thought everything was good. Mhmm. But it wasn't. So now all of that self doubt, all of that questioning I don't think the questioning is bad. I think you should look internally and go, did I miss a signal? How do I you know, those are all good. You you you need to be able to do that. Mhmm. But what what's really amiss here is that she won't talk about it. Right. You know, and and and that to me is like

horrible. You're just left hanging in limbo. You're not really sure what you did, what you didn't do, what, you know. Right. And and the way I'm understanding that was a that was a long post, was that this was stuff they had talked about previously. This was stuff that they had done previously. But this time it didn't, pardon the pun, land well. Right.

And so, yeah. I, you know, I I have no doubt, 2020 perspective or an outside, like, truly objective perspective would probably find, like, flaws on both sides. You could've done that. Okay. But we don't get that. Nobody gets the benefit of that. This person is, like, trying to figure out what didn't I see? What did I miss? How why was it this time? And, yeah, it doesn't sound like they're they've gotten, at this point, full information from their submissive.

I mean, you know, you if you if you want to, you know, I I give the guy credit or person they, you know, admitted they may have made a mistake, or they made a mistake, you know, and and they didn't want to do it again, and they wanted the information so that they can, you know, do better. Mhmm. Mhmm. And and instead, he's just left with

nothing. Right. And, you know, I think the quite frankly, the I don't want anybody to ever feel shame, you know, shame is less helpful than guilt, but shame comes from a place and has a meaning. And I think it feels like a good sign that not only is there, you know, I wanna make sure this doesn't happen again. I wanna understand

what happened. How did I miss this? But also, you know, the fact that it is they are feeling this so deeply is, you know, is a good sign that they really are genuinely trying. But it is yet another reminder that a dom cannot know all see all be all, and it is absolutely the responsibility of the submissive to the extent that they can, I'll get back to that, to communicate those things. I a 100% understand the possibility of a sub being in the moment and struggling.

Now we don't know why she struggled. Was it, you know, a feeling of letting him down? Was it a this? Did did she freeze and she just literally couldn't and then by the time she unfroze she went, it's fine. I'll just suck it up. Who knows? We don't have that information, and there are a lot of reasons it can happen. But it's not just about what happened in the moment, because there can be good reasons for that, valid reasons, I should say. It's what you do after. It's how you handle

it after. And maybe during aftercare wasn't the time to go over all of the details of what happened, but there should have been in whatever amount of time it took for everybody to kind of feel themselves again and to be out of like the scene and out of that headspace absolutely a coming together to go okay let let's break this down from each of our perspectives Because there have been times where we've had a scene and something has happened, not to the extent I felt like

I needed a safe word, but a thing I was like, oh I don't want to do that again. And so when there when everything's common and I feel like this is the time to say, I'll go, hey. You know that thing that happened here? Yeah. Here's how I felt about it. That wasn't my jam. And you have those conversations. If it's so serious that she froze and couldn't say for it, well, now we you know, there have to be signals.

There have to be more check ins, and she's gonna have to me have to be okay with a very nervous Dom who's very now uncertain of themselves checking in maybe more than they ever have because they're if this is gonna continue, the commute lines of communication have to be better. The trust has to be rebuilt because now not only do they not trust themselves. Yeah. Like

they said, they don't trust their submissive. Is are they gonna tell me what I need to know if I'm not seeing signals that would make me think, oh, I need to check-in. Oh, I need to slow down. I would to the extent that that they can both have these conversations Look, I know I am way too, introspective and self aware, But sometimes that can, like, be helpful because there can be micro signals. I know that's not really the word I'm trying to use. But, like, cues

that don't aren't big and obvious. Right? So if the submissive can identify the specific moments or at least one or two moments where, hey, when this happened, here's how I felt. Maybe here's my body tensed up. Here's some, like, small subtle things that maybe you can learn to notice. I think we have to be careful of wanting our doms to be perfect and to just know all the things. I don't that's not fair. But if you can tie, here's how I was feeling to here's what my my body

did in that moment. Here's where, you know, I I stopped looking at you. I I stopped doing this. I started doing that. And over time, can learn that together, learn the language of each other's, like, body language, so to speak. That's if if the she has the ability to identify that. Not everybody does. Not everybody lives in their head to an unhealthy extent. I can do that with JB. I we have come out of scenes, and I've been like, you know, when

I my head did that thing? Yeah. I was uncomfortable. Thankfully, it's never been to the extent where I needed to say for them didn't. But We we've even had things happen where a couple times where we, you know, didn't talk about it right afterwards. Right. But we were like, you know, this needs to be talked about. Let's wait until morning

when we decompress a little bit. Mhmm. I would say there does not need to be any seining between these two until some in-depth conversations have occurred, until, you know, the Dom feels less a lot less shame, a lot less. Mhmm. I think nervousness going into a scene is not inherently bad unless you're so nervous you can't function properly, then nope. That's not a

good day. Yeah. But, like, I think the Dom needs to figure out what reassurances they need to feel comfortable and confident, while also learning more about their submissive and how they can help them. And their submissive needs to just fucking open up and just say the hard thing, whatever it is. And maybe they investigate and explore together how to send signals or know it's time to check-in or just, like, say, it doesn't matter if I'm getting the signal. This is when I'll

check-in. This is until they're comfortable enough with each other, until the trust is built back up that maybe they don't feel like they need quite that level of reassurance in scene. But I wouldn't have a scene again until you'd laid out some baseline. Yeah. Because that's not fair to either

of them. No. It's not. Because some if there's a thing that's happening to the submissive that they aren't prepared for and can't tell you they're gonna get triggered, a thing is gonna happen, well, then they can't communicate effectively how to keep themselves safe. If they freeze in a moment like that and so then can't say for it, that's not good for anybody.

And, yeah, I just I just this one really struck me because I was like, man, we talk a lot about when, you know, when doms don't, respect the safe word or, you know, we talk about why subs need the safe word, not just for their own safety, but this is the picture of it. This is what can happen. And then seemingly, in otherwise healthy, good power exchange, kink relationship, whatever. Yeah. So next one. Whoop. Nope. I don't know how anything works. How do I get to where I wanna

be? Oh, there it is. Oh my god. Okay. Next one. Deeply submissive wife won't tell me her limits. It's not the first time we've done one like this, but here we go. Hi, all. First time posting here. Wifey and I have a wonderful and fulfilling BDSM relationship, have for the twenty plus years we've been

married. She's a she's a deeply submissive and intense masochist, and we practice DDLG dynamics mostly twenty four seven, but can turn it on and off as needed to just handle the hurdles that life often brings. I cannot put into words how much I love her and the life we have built together. She is just a rock star. Now that our kids are semi out of the house, we have more alone time and we've been expanding our DDLG and BDSM dynamics, exploring into areas we never never have before.

She loves having her nipples hurt constantly and we focus daily on some sort of nipple pain, like maintenance spankings. Nipple pain is something that is required every day and she likes it rough, so her nipples are sore all the time. We also recently got into pussy spanking and fisting. Y'all sound like you're having some fun. Okay. The crux of my problem. Hence, advice. Wifey is so submissive. She refuses to tell me when she's not enjoying something very much or worse, she is experiencing

bad pain. She just won't tell me. Even when I ask, she just blinks her eyes at me, smiles and tells me all is well tells me all is well in the world. When I push her on this, she just says she's here for my pleasure and doesn't want me to worry. She's happy when I'm happy. We had a recent scare with blood in her vagina and she never told me about it as she didn't want me to worry about her. She reminds me that her vagina is a tough cookie and she'll be fine.

I don't like this at all. We've talked about it and I tell her how much I love her and would never want her to ever be actually hurt. And she has to communicate with me when boundaries are being pushed or her body is hurting too much. We have a safe word, but she has never used it and she never gives me any indication, body language or otherwise, of general discomfort or dislike. She's a girl that really, really loves to serve. However, I need her to let me know when she's not liking something.

It's a circle. If she doesn't like something, then I don't either. And but she just tells me to do whatever I want to her and she never resists anything. This is driving me nuts. And now I find myself pulling back because I don't know what limits I have bounced up against that she won't tell me because she wants me to be happy. Any ideas how I can best navigate this? Wow. I don't even know what to say about that. That's that's So I don't even know how I would react to something like that. I I

yeah. So I I would be very curious to know her perspective beyond just what she shared and that has been relayed. There are people, whether genuinely or because they believe this to be true, and I don't know which would be which, who want to handle the air quote bad stuff, want to be pushed, want to just Mhmm. Do whatever the dom wants regardless of how it impacts them physical physically,

mentally, emotionally. Now, first of all, I don't think that's very I understand the urge to just go, oh, I'm turning all of my brain cells off. I'm not saying a word. I'm because they're enjoying the submission part of it. I hopefully, that's what it is. But also, it could be a lie they've convinced themselves up of. This is what a submissive does. But the problem is, is that if you will not take care of your own physical well-being, you make it so that you could be long term hurt, injured,

unable to do the things. First of all, you like you've got the potential for actually being hurt in a not fun, not good way. Right. But also, if your partner is like, no. No. No. The things I like to do are the things you like to do. So if you'll tell me what you like or don't like, I'm gonna have more fun. Right. And that is, is where I think that the discussion needs to come from. Needs to come from the the a place of dominance of, well, I'm your dominant. Right? You want to submit.

You want to please. This is a requirement. This is an order. This is a rule. This is this is how you make me happy. This is how you submit to me. I don't think that fixes any underlying problem of somebody who is so willing to submit so deep that they just stop caring about their own well-being and don't give their Dom the information they need so their Dom can care for their well-being.

I mean, you know, when I was reading it originally, the thought that came to me was your old line of of I don't wanna break my toys. Exactly. That that that's, you know, one of the things I was thinking of here because, my gosh, the potential to, you know Mhmm. Do some serious harm. It sounds to me like for whatever reason, the the doms sharing and expressing devotion, love, you know, wanting to make her happy is not hitting her on a level that must must feel like submission. Right? Mhmm.

And depending on how she's wired, depending on what maybe, you know, a a long term partner would know or the triggers or the things to stay away from, whatever. You know, in a perfect world, you just fucking say the thing. You just say, hey. I like this. Hey. I don't like that. And then you get more of what you do like and it's a good time had by all. Even if the thing she says is, I actually like it when you go so hard that my tough cookie vagina is working overtime.

But if that is the truth, if that is what she likes about submission and that's what she wants it to be like. She needs to be honest with him, the dom, so that the dom can decide when have I gone too far? Where do I back up? The doms aren't able to make any of the dominant topic choices because they're not being given the information. Input. Yeah. Right. And I don't I'm not saying this is what this is. But it feel it feels like

it shades of topping from the bottom. I'm not going to tell you what I like and don't like. You're gonna keep doing whatever. Even though it makes you unhappy, I'm gonna keep tell not telling you what I like and don't like. Yeah. Yeah. Right? So the the Dom is not getting to make decisions based on information. They are floundering in the dark. I'm not saying it is topping from the bottom, but there's a

flavor of it there. There's a flavor of it where you're literally not doing the thing your Dom is telling you to do Yeah. Which is to give them information they need so they can be a responsible dog. And see there, you know, there's another side to this that that had come to my mind. Mhmm. Well, you should just know what I like. It you know, from the way it's being described, I can Mhmm. I I can see where that would be, like, a thing that yeah. Maybe that's what it

is. I feel like if that was it, that she would just say that. Because the way he's describing her is he's discovering things that are bothering him. And she's just like, yeah. It's fine. Yeah. I'll be okay. And if you are that deeply submissive, then the submissive within you should be like, oh, shit. My dominant is upset about something in my submission. Maybe I should give him the information he wants as a submissive.

Right? Like, the act of telling him what he wants to know can be the act of submission. The not telling him when he's expressly said tell me Yeah. That does that that That that does not make a a very healthy, DS relationship to begin with? No. Okay. No. And again, I would love to know, is it because of a a misunderstanding of what submission is? Mhmm. A genuine love for this deep level of submission?

Just being that much of a masochist that it's like, yeah, I can because we've kind of had these conversations where I'll do things I don't like because I like doing them for you, but they're not hard on us. I don't need to say for it out. Right? But I also personally will not let myself potential part of how that kink was supposed to go. Like, I'm not into it, but, like, if I did needle play, I I would expect a little some specks of blood. Like, you just punctured my skin. So that's an air quote

injury that's part of the play. Right. You know, when you hit me with a just wrong or just right thing, I'll get marks. You might cut me. It's happened before. Right? Yeah. I expect that. But if something is happening in your play, if I was the dom, I'd be back and way the fuck off. I wouldn't be playing at a level where, you know, I would the possibility of of injury is even there. I mean, even even if she was, you know, at the point that she was a a masochist that liked extreme pain Right.

Liked extreme play, but again, that should be, you know, some, you know You still negotiate it. Right. You still go, okay. Right. Let me just be honest with you. I I don't like, if I was picking, I wouldn't pick that. Then, no. The way this guy's talking, she would never see that again. Yeah. But he would he could then make other things so I say he. I don't know. The Dom could make other things so good for her if he's like, I know this is what you like and then Yeah.

Goes for that. You know what I mean? Like, but from a dom sub perspective, if you can get to the why, like, why do you feel that way? Is this your masochism? Is this what you think submission is? Like, where is this coming from? That can sometimes help, like, drive the conversation and give you a better insight into your partner. But the other thing is I think the dom leans on their dominance and says, well, this isn't an option. We cannot play again until you give me this information.

You're my submissive fucking submit. And if they wanna, you know, say for it out of that or go, I don't wanna do that. Okay. Well, then we're not playing until I know what the limit is. I know what you genuinely do not like. You know? Mhmm. It feels like for whatever reason, I don't wanna suppose too much because we don't know her side at all. But there's either a she's a doesn't take him seriously when he's lovey dovey and is just trying to be a good,

you know, partner. Mhmm. Or she doesn't think he means it or she doesn't, like, see him at in his dominant see them in their dominant role when that's happening. And it I don't think it should be like this, but sometimes you got a breakthrough. You gotta get to the whatever. Put the Dom voice on. Make it a fucking order task, however that works in your dynamic, and then there's no playing until you get the information you need. Done. Yeah.

But my my nosy bitch self wants to know where what her mindset is. That's what I wanna know. Okay. Next one. Anything else you wanna add though? Okay. Wrapping my head around the word owned. I'm 37 female, new to BDSM and being a sub. I'm starting to build something with a Dom, which is exactly what I want for my life, and I'm so excited. When I first started dipping my toe into these waters, I was only interested in bedroom dynamics. But as time is passing, I'm learning more

and more. I'm finding being drawn towards wanting more of a total power exchange dynamic. I really hope my Dom gifts me with a collar since I'm gifting him with my submission. This next part is where I'm looking for advice. I'm deeply feminist and I'm mentally stuck trying to accept the idea of being owned. To me, owned has the connotation of being less than and that I am not. I know a lot of you in the lifestyle enjoy that, but

for me it feels icky. The more I get to explore my submissiveness and be obedient, the calmer and more powerful I feel. Honestly, not only do I feel like an absolute equal, I kinda feel like my position is slightly elevated because I am choosing this. I can rescind my submission at any time and that feels powerful and gives me a bit of an ego trip. So does anyone have any advice on how I can see the

word owned in a different light? Or does anyone feel the same way I do and you use a different term? About the day I kneel in front of my Dom to have him place my collar around my neck. It will be more meaningful than that one time I got a vanilla married, which I did choose to do. Shitty divorce. So excited for this new chapter of my life. Is this how most of us come into the lifestyle? We dump the shitty vanilla marriage or like, let me get my freak on. Alright. Okay. So the word owned.

What are your thoughts? I have you know I have thoughts. Yeah. You know, a word is a word is a word, and a word has as much power as you give that word. Mhmm. Okay. So, you know, if she doesn't like that word, find another one that that resonates, that that works for you. Right. You know, a lot of people do that. Even, you know, even with tie with, not title, but titles. Yeah. People do that with titles all the time, you know. Well, I don't wanna call you, you know, this, but

Well, I can call you that. This other one works. Yeah. Yeah. You know, so, yeah. It's I mean, they seem to have their head in their right, you know, they're they're learning, they're actually kind of growing starting from from bedroom only and now Sure. You know, pushing some limits and and and, you know, moving into different things, you know, which is fine. But, yeah, don't don't get too hung up on a word. Mhmm. Yeah. That that smacks of having a belief that a specific way of doing it or Mhmm.

Certain terms like this are what, air quote, everyone must do the one true way. I'm not saying that that's what she believes, but Yeah. Somewhere that idea got into her head of this this is the term we use. Well, no. Yeah. Yeah. You've called me a lot of things and in scene you might have said owned, but that's not a term we even use for ourselves. Mhmm. You know, unless we're playing and it's it's getting freaky. But then we we're done playing and we

move on with our life. But if I didn't like that word, I would go, oh, that the word, I don't vibe with that word. So and you would use something else and we would move on with our lives. But that that does sort of I'm getting the sniff test of somewhere along her path and what she's learned. Somebody said something about that that made it seem like this is just what how this how power exchange works. Yeah. Submissives are owned. You know what I mean? Yeah. And,

no. That's not true. That's not how everybody sees it Yeah. Even in total power exchange. Yeah. And see, the one thing that I kind of, kind of go, yeah, not quite, not quite, the right thinking is, you know, how it makes them feel less than. Mhmm. Okay? Like they're not equal. And and that should not be, because just like us, we are equals Right. In a mutually negotiated power imbalance. Sure. That that's how it is. You know, it's it's not that someone is truly lesser. It's not that

you're actually owned either. Right. Yeah. That that continues to be illegal. Mhmm. Yeah. For the most part. Don't read our constitution too closely. I'm not going there. We're we're No. No. No. Supposed to be a palate cleanser. Yeah. I do and this is not to say that I think her or anybody else should rethink the word owned, and, you know, change their mind that because I

don't feel that way either. But the way I hear other people describe being owned often, but not always, is just another way of saying cherished. So fully taken care of, so fully seen, so fully encircled by your dominant partner that they are to the extent that they can and even negotiate, they're seeing to everything that you need.

And owned doesn't, you know, owned might be the word because no matter how deeply we fill our roles and some people do kink and some people are kinky and, you know, whatever whatever, it is still play at the end of the day. At some point, you can if you had to take off your submissive and your dominant hat and go out in the world and be vanilla. Life wouldn't necessarily be great, but you can do it. You can stop that. So to be air quote owned is not a permanent

thing. It's not a people talk like it is, but we are all, you know, fully formed adults who can who have, you know, some level of autonomy and free will is a thing and you get to decide if you're there or not. Not. Yeah. So, you know, not the not to say, you know, this person or everybody else should, like, rethink the word owned and go ahead and take it on, but to think about what the word can mean, because I know that's not universal,

to people who use it. If you look at it, it's not it's not about being chattel. It's not about being property other than in the way you negotiate and the way you talk about it. But, ultimately, if this is a healthy power exchange, both sides are trying to see to each other's needs, make sure that you are seen and known and understood and valued and validated

and all that. But from the submissive perspective, the way that I tend to internalize that is, you know, you are you are seeing every part of me and making sure that what you demand of me, ask of me, do for me, make me do for myself, whatever whatever is within the bonds of I'm your dominant, so I take I

oversee you. I make sure you are I can I can make a laundry list of things that you are healthy enough for play, that you are doing the things that are healthy for you, that you are doing the things that make me happy while also filling you as a submissive that but but but but but and it's not you know what I mean? Mhmm. But again, all that to say, we don't we don't have to use the words other people use. We don't have to

have the same mindset as anybody else. If the idea of ownership being owned, any part of that language makes you go, oh, no. Thanks. Fine. That's not for you. You reject it. Somebody brings it up to you. Go, yeah. That's not my thing, and you move on. But to think that every submissive in total power exchange or not wants to be owned, is owned, use the language of ownership. No. No. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Okay. Next one.

This one, I picked because, damn, it feels like ripped out of the pages of our life. Okay. Uh-uh. Advice on cougar puberty, another term people use for perimenopause. Cougar puberty and the reality of changing or eliminating some play because of it. Hi all. This is for all the ladies out there that are going through or have gone through what I call cougar puberty, otherwise known as perimenopause menopause. Not a sexy topic, but a sex topic.

I turned 50 last month. For the last year, I've started to notice the changes down there. I've been into BDSM in one form or another for years, but honestly, I'm not sure my vagina can take it anymore. Example. Never in my life had had a UTI until six months ago, then I had three in a row. MBV. Bacterial vaginosis? I think that's what that is.

I've been fine now for two months with vanilla sex so my husband and I brought out the ball gag, spreader straps, and the thick dildo and he tried to fist me. The dildo was fine but the fisting was a no go. We had plenty of lube so that wasn't the issue. Now I'm wondering if I'm going to end up with BV or UTI again. The issue for those that don't know is a woman's vagina starts to atrophy as she goes through menopause.

So ladies, or men who are and have been with women this age, are my days of stretching my pussy with toys and my husband's fist over? If you've been through this to estrogen cream help, I can't do full HRT due to family cancer history, but I can do the vaginal cream. I'm going to be seriously bummed if I have to try to give up some of my kinks. So the first thing that came to mind when I read this, and this is for anybody who's at at that age, nearing that age. Maybe you're in

menopause and your doctor told you something. The cancer thing, there are some people who cannot take HRT. That is a 100% true. But is the information you're being given from a doctor, first of all, have you talked to a medical professional? And is that medical professional basing it off the old now debunked study from the nineties, I think is when it first came out, that basically was like, nobody should take HRT. Everybody's gonna get cancer. And that's not accurate anymore.

So if your medical professional is basing us on accurate current information about HRT and your personal health risks, cuckoo cuckoo. Okay? Go with whatever they fucking say. But if somebody told you twenty years ago, you can't do this, that is probably bad information and outdated. Talk to a doctor. If your personal doctor is not paying attention, is not caring, is saying, oh, it's just what happens when you get older, fuck them and try to look for another

source. A fee there are multiple telehealth companies. If you have insurance, this is much easier to do. I am looking into a few of those because I don't wanna go back to my doctor, who that's their whole thing is, you know, perimenopausal, menopausal care if you need that. So that's the first thing. It's like, where did the information come from that you can't do it because Mhmm. It's that might be true because there are some people who can't. But it might not be true depending on

the information. Now, I have gotten mixed information about the the vaginal atrophy. Mhmm. Because when it blew up on the Internet, they were like, oh, yeah. Your labia just gets sucked back in. They don't actually just get sucked back in. Doctor doctor Jen Gunter, who I I like her. She is she is a gynecologist, and she was like, oh my god. The Internet needs to stop saying it. Yes. Atrophy can occur. Yes. The skin is there's not as much elasticity

as there used to be. So some of the things you once did before might not be easy or possible without outside help. I personally have not tried just an estrogen cream. I use testosterone with estradiol in it. Right. Once that switch was made, because it had just been testosterone for it, It did start making a difference. I can actually create my own natural lubrication. Now, man, are we is it like warming up an old Chevy that was old twenty years ago? Yeah. Okay. It is. We're working for it.

Okay. Yeah. But those cars were fun to work on. Well, thankfully, this car is fun to work on too. But when none of us have time for that, there is lube. I have not I have not verified whether this is still actually accurate or if it was just a thing the Internet said fifteen years ago. But there you know, I have seen from time to time this use it or lose it kind of thing.

It's true. I know, anybody with a prostate, one of the things that can help help, not completely, but help keep your prostate healthy is could you please go, like, ejaculate, masturbate, fuck, whatever. Regular ejaculation, apparently, on some level, I don't know how much helps vulva. Mhmm. That the more you are getting blood flow down there, the more the blood can keep flowing down there. Now that doesn't mean that you're, you

know, can keep flowing down there. Now that doesn't mean that your, you know, vagina immediately turns into, you know, slime that just stretches out however you need it, but those things can help. I do wonder, are they taking the time to warm up the 20 year old Chevy on a cold morning? Mhmm. Could they get there? Is this now I having UTIs and, BV, that will you're not you're not fucking you'd get away get away from me. Right? So that will mean that maybe you can't be consistent to

rev back up. But if the vaginal canal will stay healthy for more than a couple days at a time Mhmm. They could with some maybe semi consistent, like, let's just play. Just have a couple orgasms. Just, you know, whatever. I would be very curious about if that would also help. If the use it or lose it thing, you know Yeah. Is true or not. Mhmm. So I can, add my solidarity solidarity to this person. Mhmm. I went my whole life. Never had a UTI. Had two UTIs in

six months. Thought I had a UTI the other day and then learned from some part of the Internet that you can have maybe it was our discord. Somebody was talking about it. Basically, I have a phantom UTI where your body acts like it's a UTI but it's not a fucking UTI. I don't know what that's about. Yeast infections, nothing makes me not want to be dicked down at all like a yeast infection. Had I ever had one prior to turning about 44, 45? No. Have I had two now? Yeah. So that's a very sensitive

microbiome down there. That's actually true. I'm not being funny. But it's like it's like my girls down there are like, look, we don't just let anybody in. And if you come in, it's gonna be a problem. And I'm just like, look, I'm just trying to live my fucking life and get laid. And I keep it clean And I take care of myself. And so does JB.

Why are you punishing me? But, you know now what I'm curious about from your perspective, because you got to meet me at, like, the peak of my, you know, sex drive apparently. Because supposedly, it'll come back eventually, but I'm not holding my breath. What, if any, differences that won't hurt my feelings? Do you notice from my thirties to now in in that kind of department? Well, you know, we we talked a little bit about this the other day.

And I think the, the biggest thing is is that, between the two of us neither one of us can go for as long as we used to well yeah you know can't wreck a wreck a room like we did I'm okay with that I feel a lot more guilty now because I have had to clean rooms more than I used to but you know even even, like, you know, we've had to find positions that are Mhmm. More comfortable for us, you know. We we have had to adjust. I mean, it hasn't it's not been

the most horrible. No. What I'm referring to is specifically working with my Chevy engine down there. The vagina. Okay. Have you noticed differences pre perimenopause and deep in the bowels of perimenopause? Absolutely. What kind of differences have you noticed? Please try not to hurt my feelings. No. No. Now now he's like, well, I guess I just won't tell you. Now you'll just be left happy to wonder what it is.

Well, no. There there's, you know, some of those mornings, like up north when it's below zero and you got dead battery from the cold, it just ain't gonna start and warm up. You better start pouring that lube out. Right. So, you know, I I think that's the biggest the biggest thing. Mhmm. But, But when we do when we are able to take our time, and now I think that I've kind of the medication and supplements are, like, in harmony for these five minutes. We

can't get there. Yeah. It's just it's not consistent. No. It depends on so many more factors than just willingness. Yeah. Willingness is just, like, a tenth of the whole process these days. Yeah. And and, you know, I I know this is primarily, you know, about but, I mean, even myself, it takes it takes a little bit more to to wind up my engine too these days, you know. Mhmm. It's just the the nature of

things. Yeah. And, you know, I think there are things that probably can be done if you're the kind of person who wants to optimize, but that kinda makes me cringe. It's like, well, not everybody has the resources, has the body that will let them do all the healthy things that are supposed to miraculously make it. So nothing is ever difficult for your your body to achieve again. It's like, that's not actually how it works for

most people. Like, yeah. We could we could make our our experience maybe, like, 5% better if we did x y z. But at a certain point, I am in the throes of perimenopause and in my mid forties. You are in your mid sixties. Our bodies are changing. Yeah. It does not matter what else we try to do to combat that. So yeah. Anything else? Mm-mm. Okay. Let me go to the next one. Mom. Dom aftercare. I'm aware of a lot of sub aftercare.

My dom is great at giving me aftercare, but I was reading and learning about dom drop, and I feel guilty. I never thought about my dom aftercare too. It's a new relationship, and I'm gonna talk with them about how I can support them too. But can you please give any advice on ideas on what Dom aftercare looks like? Usually, he gets me water, cuddles, and says nice things to me. Is it the same to give to

him? When I'm back in my headspace, I cuddle and I talk to him too, comforting him best I can back. But is there any suggestions I can bring up to him? Thanks so much for reading and any advice. I picked this one because it it's not we talk about it more than we used to, but it it falls off the radar and it's like, yeah, let's bring this one back. Dom aftercare is a thing. Let's talk about it. Mhmm. So we the immediate answer to this person's question is to ask your Dom what they want. Right.

That is but let's talk about Dom aftercare Mhmm. In general. Yeah. You know, I have to ask them because it's different for everybody. But, you know, yeah. Dom's experience dropped too, and it's not always pretty. So I know what I do for you. It's been so long since we've done a scene where there needed to be, like, something.

But from a personal, like, what is it that you appreciate as part of aftercare that that you like, that helps you, that I mean, for me, you know, it it's a it's a spillover from from giving you aftercare, the the cuddles. Yeah. You are such a touch person. I'm I'm a touch person. Yeah. Mhmm. And, you know, there there's that. And and I think what helps with me is, you know, you you thank me. Mhmm. You know, for the scene and and you, you know, you you just I I I liked it, you know, this

is good. Affirmations. Yeah. Yeah. Affirmations like that. And that and that helps. Mhmm. That's a big help for me. In our experience, your aftercare is not typically immediately after a scene. If you needed something a little bit more than just some cuddles and some nice words. But I do think it's been so long. It's been so long. I would include the need to go get a high carb, high cholesterol, full flavor meal to kinda like Yeah. Perk you back up. Because you tend to be,

like, buzzing for a while. You I do. Sleep. You're like, No. You know? I I know it it we're like in that word, we are total opposites because you you're ready to to, you know, you're you're ready to shut your eyes and We are stripped off. Enough that aftercare is a thing we're both, like, yep. That's what we need here. You I'm I'm boneless and just tuck me into bed. And and me, my mind is wired and it is just, you know, going a 100 miles a minute.

Mhmm. So I know when I think we know we don't even label it aftercare, but that is essentially what it is. When I am giving you those words of affirmation, I'm making sure to say thank you. Sure. Mhmm. To let you know that, you know, it was good for me that especially if, like, you've tried something new, I'm gonna let you know. Like, the aftercare time is to to say the positives. The debrief sometimes takes place, like, immediately after somewhere in

aftercare. Yeah. For us, debriefs are, like, when we're out of the ooey gooey feelings and we're, like, okay, we're thinking straight again. That's when I might go, hey, when you did that swing, it landed here. Yeah. You know, that wasn't great or whatever whatever. But when it's like, okay, we're affirming one another and we're like being all cuddly and we're just like vibing together. I am a I'm not gonna lie to you. Like, I'm not gonna tell you I like something if I

didn't. Sure. But I'm a gas you up. I'm gonna be like, that was so good and you did such a good job, and I really appreciate it, and I really because, you know, I'd like to think I do that for you more often than maybe some, you know, I did before or whatever whatever. But I, you know, I think there's a tendency typically with newer subs, maybe with long term relationships where you're at that stage where you're taking each other for granted. I know

we've fallen into that before. Mhmm. Everybody does. But it is real easy to kind of forget that, yeah, the Dom's in charge. And, yeah, the Dom got to do what the Dom wanted to do. But the Dom also carries a lot of responsibility and a lot of weight on their shoulders. And they'll try new shit, and they will have spent time planning the scene, and they will gone, I I know this usually is okay. Let's

go. You know, so to let your Dom know, don't lie, but if it was good, if you enjoyed it, if you appreciate them, let them fucking know. Yeah. And and you know, some sometimes for me, like that the next day, I just wanna plant my butt on the couch and watch TV and just, you know Yeah. That's usually when you're kind of like a lump. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Anything else you wanna say about that one? Okay. I think this is our last one. It is Oh. It's idle. Yep. Yep. Oh, gosh. I'm

I'm knocking shit over around here. Okay. Hopefully, we're still recording. Okay. Don't break anything now. He keeps saying he'll collar me, but doesn't. TLDR, my boyfriend slash Dom has been saying he's going to collar me for the past four months and hasn't. I'm hurt by it and don't know what to do. Okay. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly six months and playing in a dynamic for just as long. Before that, we were online friends for five years. We're both switches, him

dom leaning and I'm sub leaning. When we first started seeing each other, he wanted monogamy, which I agreed to while we figured things out. When talking out our dynamics, I made it very clear I wanted to be collared. He expressed the same. We went over what the collars meant to each other. About a month in, I collared him. For a while, I thought him not collaring me was a financial reason. But as time went by and he bought us food and he got me other gifts, it became apparent

that wasn't the case. We talk about the collaring about every two weeks. We talk about what it means. I talk about how I still really want it and is there anything he wants from me, etc. It always ends with, okay, we'll start looking soon, then soon never comes. I don't want anything expensive or elaborate. I told him he could go to the local craft store and buy a leather cord, a dog collar from the dollar store, anything. Still nothing. I don't want to talk about it any

more than we already do. I feel like if I keep asking him over and over again, he'll just do it because he wants me to stop asking. I'm hurting and I don't know how to make it stop. If he doesn't want to collar me, stop leading me on. Over the weekend, we had two play times, one on Saturday and one on Sunday. In both cases, I felt myself slipping into subspace. I stopped myself. I refuse to let myself fall into subspace when playing with someone who won't collar me, a rule I have for myself.

It sucks. During aftercare on Sunday, he asked if anything was wrong. I said I was feeling droppy because it's been a while since we played two days in a row. He asked if anything was bugging me. I said no. I lied and he knew. He asked specifically, are you sad because you don't have a collar? I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I cut him off because I was angry and wanted to scream. What? I thought we already were. Oh, no. I'm sorry. I've missed the whole

line. He asked specifically, are you sad because you don't have a collar? I said yes. He started to talk about how we can move towards that direction, and I cut him off saying I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I cut him off because I was angry and wanted to scream. What? I thought we already were doing the moving towards. Now he knows I'm upset. I've been at work all day, and I can't stop myself from crying. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can talk to him about it. I have.

I told him it means a lot to me, and I need it to feel safe in a BDSM dynamic several times. He's acknowledged it. If I keep asking for it, it demeans its meaning. I can't hide that I'm miserable forever. I don't know what to do. I wish I didn't care so much about a stupid piece of jewelry, but I do, and it hurts. Well, it's important to a lot of people. This isn't something they've been hiding. They've said it from day one, apparently. Yep. Six months in, a conversation every two weeks.

Alright. That's 12 conversations. I'm I'm I'm gonna do the the, what what do you call it? The TL Doctor. Doctor. Uh-huh. Okay. Actions speak louder than words. Plain and simple. He's telling you everything. Right. He's giving you all the words, but not doing a damn thing. Right. It's it's the he's telling you with his actions. He does not wanna call you. If he wanted to call you, you would be fucking calling. Right. This is not a lack of clear communication. This is not a misreading of cues.

This is This is We've been fucking talking about it. This is this is he's got the, he's got the prize, so to speak. Mhmm. Okay. But I would bet dollars to donuts that collar is is too permanent too permanent. There's something about it he doesn't wanna do, but he's unwilling to be honest about it. He's unwilling to say Exactly. I don't want this or I wanna wait or whatever the fuck it is. I don't even care. Six months? I and I was gonna just say six months. That that's

I might. I might. If it's a long term relationship and other things are otherwise decent. If it's like a few weeks of hemming and hawing, I'll be a little forgiving. Maybe. Maybe. Six goddamn months where that was literally like one of the things that talked about from the very beginning. They did not hide what they wanted. They were clear. And it's look. It's okay if somebody, including this guy, doesn't agree, doesn't think six months, doesn't meh meh meh. Right. But talk about

it. But that's an incompatibility. Yeah. Somebody out there, if if this person had been given the opportunity, I have no doubt they could have met somebody who's like, hell, yeah. I'm down for it. Let's do the fucking thing. Mhmm. But they've been with this motherfucker. Yeah. And the old motherfucker would come out eventually. Yeah. I, you know, the fact that they did the so here's what really pisses me off. Okay. What do

you mean? What really pisses me off? I know why they're pissed off because the are you sad because I won't collar you? They fucking know. This isn't even cowardice. This isn't even a this isn't even a hiding from it. They they are holding it over Yeah. Their head, their something. Something. They knew exactly why their partner was mad. Yeah. But then said moving toward? Yeah. Now why wouldn't you have said that in conversation one, we can move toward it?

And then keep saying, if if if he had said move toward in every conversation, I still wouldn't like him. I still think it's an incompatibility. Walk the fuck away. You're not gonna get what what you need from this person. No. But if every conversation over six months has been, yeah, we'll do that. Yeah. We'll do that. And now this now it's moving toward fuck you. Yeah. Motherfucker. That sounds like someone's being strung along. Absolutely. And there's some kind of mind game there.

Alexia said it in, live chat. It's evil. That statement, are you sad because blank? It's almost like they're glad or proud that their actions are causing hurt. Like, they know what the fuck they're doing. Mhmm. Like, oh, is that bothering you? Yeah. It's this power trip that's not not a power exchange. It's almost like a It's manipulative. A misdirected, sadistic, Yeah. It's it's sadism without the consent. Yeah.

It's, you know, I'm getting this something about this is, you know, doing it for me, but I don't give a fuck Yeah. What it's doing for you. You know, at at at that point, at at six months, I wouldn't wanna hear, well, you know, let's see, think about moving forward, you know. At that point, it'd be like, let's get in the car and let's go find something. Right. We're past that point. I'm thinking, you know, I it would have been fine

if Do or do not. It would have been fine if he'd been like, look, I don't wanna do this this soon. Let's let's get to some later point. I don't fucking know. Yeah. And and then once you hit that point, you're like, okay. We've hit that point. Time to reassess. What are you but with nothing like that. No honesty. No. No. No. No. No. And to know that if it's if like they're saying every couple of weeks, well, now it's a pattern and Mhmm. This

motherfucker knows the pattern. Yeah. And it's somehow I don't like to suppose what other people are feeling, but my petty bitch side is like this shitty shitty human is reveling in it. It's a power trip that's not ethical power changes, not responsible dominance. No. It's the manipulative yucky power trip. Exactly. I have something you want and we'll keep playing this game. Right. That walk the fuck away. You can't talk. You can't communicate your way through this.

You know what you know what that is? You ever see the picture of the horse with the carrot on the stand in front of it? Yes. Yes. Always chasing that carrot, but it never gets that damn never gets it. Never gets it. It's always there chasing chasing that damn carrot. Yep. This is not there's nothing about this. It's like, woah. Communicate deeper. Fuck that. You The communication was done. Done multiple times. Ad nauseam. Like, if this was really about just not wanting to collar

their partner Mhmm. At some point if that's genuinely what it was at some point they would have been like exasperated and gone. You know there would have been some kind of I don't wanna do this in the first place. There have been some argument. There have been some bullshit. The lead leading this person on like this. Yeah. This is reminiscent of what I see on the non kink relationship side about these men who want all the wifey privileges. Mhmm. And even girlfriend privileges, but they don't

want the title. They don't want the exclusivity. Oh, yeah. Oh. Really? You need to be on my side of the algorithm when when cis heterosexual women start talking about these fucking men. Yeah. No. I'm I'm missing all that. You you be glad. You you'll just be very annoyed. But that's yeah. It does show you know, it proves that kink side of things is not immune from that. Mhmm. But it makes you a shitty kinkster. Yeah. Because you're not being honest. Nope. You are being manipulative. Absolutely.

An nonconsensual power trip. Mhmm. But, yeah, this person just gotta, like, gotta go because they've done their part. They did everything I would have told them to do. Mhmm. Sure. Are you sad because that Yeah. Yep. I would've once I would have calmed down from that, I had so many fucking words If I said something like that to you, you'd probably smack my head off so fast. Well, you know what? I think in the I know me. In the moment, I'd be like, what the fuck was just

said? And it take me I have to process. Right. But if I let myself get spun up over it, oh oh, I'd be like, can we There you go. Have a conversation with you. No place that would be safe for me. I would like to sit down and talk to you about something that's on my mind. And I wouldn't be able to safe word out of that one. No. Not that one. No. Not that one. Ugh. Sometimes these folks. I know. It's it's it's unbelievable what some of these folks and what they I'm kinda glad I saved the ramp for

the last one. I'm hot and sweaty now, but at least I didn't have to sit here and be hot and sweaty for the whole thing. That's true. That's true. Very true. So, yeah, a final judgment. Get Get throw that motherfucker to the curb. Mhmm. Throw them all the way in the trash. Just gross. Anyway, so that was the last That was the last one. I'm gonna double check because I had to use weird when different browsers to be able to see things because Reddit didn't like us using Chrome.

So everything looks different. I'm double checking myself. Did I get them all? Mhmm. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Got them. Okay. So Alright. We can be done and we can go into the bonus section. That's it? We're good? Well, I don't know about that. That's not for me to say. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week. Daddy. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the crickets, please? Sure. Okay. Thanks. Okay. What have I got? What have I got? I've been I've been working. You

have. You you've been we both we've both been doing a lot of that. I've been focused. Yeah. I was I think I was talking about that last week at the Friday night livestream. I've been focused Mhmm. Which I love, but that means I am way busier because I know what I'm supposed to be doing and I can do it. But what I've learned is focus doesn't mean I still remember shit. How many times have I been to the grocery store this week? I know. Something I forgot.

I know. But you're you're you are working on a very big project Which I with the Kinkery. Knock on wood. It's going faster than I fear. There will be a point where I gets I I get backed up and slowed down because something weird will happen. Yeah. And even even myself, I've been you know, I did that big restock and and the Halloween. And then I put out we put out our demo video and blew up our little

kinky corner of the Internet. Whoo. The amount of orders I normally, if you place an order from Friday night at thekinkery,thekinkery.com through Sunday night, early Monday morning, I will process every one of those fucking things on Monday. We had so many. I finished processing the last ones late last night to box up today to mail out. It was wild. Lola had something to say about that. Because she usually does. Oh, she's got her pity ears up. I mean, she's got a resting bitch face, but her pity

ears Yeah. They are. They're like that little Yeah. Quintessential Mhmm. Yeah. So Well, yeah. But then you handed me a whole bunch of paddles, so I'll get to have those Yeah. I am. For this weekend. I I did handed you one yeah. Little pocket paddles. Lola likes paddles too, apparently. She certainly got thoughts on them. Right. Ma'am, we'll get to it. We'll get to it. And, we're getting weeks of judgment from her cod. She it's, what time is it? 08:11. Her, her Her good treat. Her prime biscuit.

I mean, same girl. I made a sheet cake, and my piece for tonight is waiting on me as well. Okay? You don't see me howling at everybody. But, I know what I'm waiting on. Yeah. I mean, I've been I've been working doing a lot of stuff, you know, for the kinkery. And then in between, I've been doing stuff for my, non kinky site. Mhmm. Which I've had to ignore your Etsy shop so I can do kinkery stuff. I know. I know. But you

did get all the Halloween Yes. Ornaments up there on the site, which I'm very grateful for. And, now in between making paddles and all the other stuff, I'm making Christmas ornaments. Mhmm. Mhmm. Tayshu Tayshu said in live chat, my friend sent me an Instagram clip about paddles not realizing I know the kinkery well. No. Did I tell the story to y'all about what happened with me and the 20 year old with the kinkery? If I sell this story already, you got, like, a minute and a half,

two minutes to go do something else. For anybody who has not heard the story, let me tell this story. I don't think I've heard this one. I thought I told you. So this has been weeks ago. I get a text from the 20 year old that said something to the effect of, oh my god. I just saw you on Instagram, meaning the shop. And I was like, well, I thought I had you blocked. Like, you shouldn't be able to see like, I thought I did that. If you don't want to see us, just

block us. And he goes, no. A meme you posted about praise kink and I think can't take a compliment or praise kink and humiliation kink something. One of those kinds of memes. A friend of mine sent it to me and it was the one you posted. He was like, oh my god. I'm so sorry. I remember that now. He goes, no. Ivan got to be the cool one. When I said, oh, yeah. I know them. That's my mom. I was like, oh my god. Oh my god. And see and I know how the algorithm

works. It gets if that gets shared to you, that account gets shared to you, it's popping up in your fucking feed for a hot minute. Right. I was like, oh my god. I'm so sorry. He goes, no. I don't mind now. He's like, because this makes up for when I was in middle school and got bullied for shit because, oh, man, he had some shitty people around him who were nosiest. Ugh. Awful people. He was like, because now I look like the cool one because you're my mom.

Oh, are we having upset tummy? Nope. Oh. These are on the floor. She went right to them. Yeah. No, ma'am. So yeah. For, like, five seconds, I was mortified, but he thought that I was kind of okay because my the meme I posted made him cool, Question mark? I didn't have the heart to tell him that, oh, yeah. We get orders from your college town. Oh, wow. Semi regularly. We even, vended at a play party up

there. We did. I know. I did say if my child ever walked into a kink space where I was, I wouldn't I would men all need to sit down for a second, but I'm not sure. I'm I think you need a stiff drink. Emotionally mature enough to share a kink space with my kid. There are people who can. Good on you. I'm so happy for you. There are parts of my life I would like to keep separate. The mom me and the kinky bitch me. I want them separate. Thank you very much.

But, yeah, he he got to be cool because he knew the person was related to the person had been birthed by the person who posted God. Okay. That's good. That's way better than when Oh, bless you. One of our demo videos hits the wrong side of the algorithm. Mhmm. So I'll take that. But yeah. Yeah. I got we we both got to mutually be cool for a couple of seconds. Nice. So yeah. No. I I I think it's because at the time, I couldn't remember

the 20 year old's handle. That might be why I didn't block them because I know the other parts of my vanilla family, their their Facebook handle will be the same as their Instagram, blah blah blah. And I sure as shit went through and block block oh, nope. Stay out of my account. So oh, somebody has her zoomies. I think she thinks if she plays, that she will get her t r e a t a little sooner.

One day we might be able to do the Lola cam now that we're using updated software, and I would love for y'all to see Lola have the zoomies. Right. She's adorable. I mean, look, like like many, an older lady with a little extra weight, she can only do it for so long before she gets tired. But while she's zooming, she's adorable. So yeah. I thought we were gonna get to go see the 20 year old perform this weekend. Yeah. He's not performing, so I don't get to

go. I mean, there's nothing stopping me from driving forty five minutes that direction except that I don't want to if there's not a reason to go. So I guess I thought that was gonna be my Saturday. So I guess I'll just work on Saturday since I am working on that big project. I'm I And there is technically a deadline that we want to try and meet for that merchant. Mhmm. You know, I get And I'm probably gonna work this weekend too. I got stuff I

wanna do. You would think that when you work for yourself, you don't really have that many deadlines. But if you I have found in my professional life that if I do not impose a deadline, sometimes not a fucking thing gets done. This deadline is semi imposed because I'm trying to beat a certain billing date to have something done prior to that billing date because I don't wanna pay full price for something I'm not using. I will pay full price for it if I'm using it.

Right. But while I'm still in the discount period, that I don't wanna still be building a thing Right. And be like, there's a whole thing. Anyway, self imposed deadlines and soft deadlines from billing departments can really help sometimes. Yeah. But what else is going on? I got to do chemistry lab in for tenth grader today. We set things on fire. Homeschool got more interesting this year. Chemistry is one

of the classes. Mhmm. And it's like the kind of chemistry homeschool curriculum that meets the, credentials required to be considered a genuinely, like, hands on lab focused homeschool class. So we gotta we gotta stand in our kitchen and do shit. And today, it was set boric acid, cream of tartar, and salt on fire. Not on fire. But I I worked the flame and the

kid was, like, doing this stuff. I was see, I have fallen in to that cliche that the youngest is my baby, and the youngest has had health problems, and the youngest is this, and the youngest is that. So I cling tightly to that's my baby, and I do a lot for them that I should probably do less of. And I recognize I have a problem. But when it comes to schoolwork, not not for one, nary one child have I

ever done their schoolwork for them. Mhmm. When they turn projects in as little children in elementary school, you could tell a small child did that, not the rest of the projects. Give them assistance when they need it. I'm not a parent that does the thing No. For the kid. So I know I had to go get the supplies, but we were standing there. I'm like, we'll read your directions. Okay. And I, like, I did what I think a teacher kind of sort of does,

you know, except not times 30. And I controlled the flame, but they did everything else. Mhmm. But it was fun. I was like, why couldn't it be this fun when I was in chemistry? I'm not. Oh, goodness. So yeah. We got to do now were they pissed? Because I decided the time when they were going to do their lab work and not we have a an agreed upon negotiated, like, here's when I'll do schoolwork thing. I was like, nope. You're on my time right now, and I got shit to do.

Let's go burn some shit. So but that was fun. So Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm you know, talking about the the cooler weather earlier. I'm just getting anxious to get out on the bike again a little bit. I'm getting anxious for you to get out on the bike as well Yeah. Because right as the weather started turning earlier this year, that was when I went just before it turned, I was like, I think I wanna try again. I think maybe I won't cry above 25 miles per hour. Look. The thing I will say about

anxiety and I I there's no universal. Everybody has their own experience of it if you even experience, like, constant anxiety. In my mind, once I know the thing I fear can happen because it has happened, it's very difficult to convince myself it won't happen again. Mhmm. Now, can't do am I better prepared to get through it if it does happen? Yeah. Because now I've lived it and I'm like, okay. We will fall back on that experience. I will do things better the second time around.

But I still don't want it to happen. And motorcycle accidents are right up there on my list of things I don't wanna happen again. Yeah. But now that we've experienced one, I can't my brain cannot turn off the fact that it's possible. But I do know I think for me, it's gonna be kind of a light, not professionally, like, whatever, exposure therapy. I'm gonna have to do it a little bit at a time and gain that confidence back. But I by right as summer was starting, I wanted to. I was

like, yeah. I think I do. Let's do this. Because I wanna go back to being how we were back in the day when I was on the back of your bike, and we were looking all cute together. You know, I don't know what it looks like now as we're we don't look like we did back in the day when we used to change that way. Because we're older and wider. And needed a bigger bike. Yes. Part of like, you know what? We you got the Can Am because of your back. But I do appreciate having a comfier seat.

Oh, I'm I'm sure. I'm sure. I don't know if I'd want want a picture of my ass hanging off your arm. Even even prior to that, I was I had been even thinking, you know, prior to the accident at that point, I was kind of thinking it'd be nice to upgrade Mhmm. And get something like a Goldwing. We'd been looking. Yeah. You know, we we kind of had looked at them a little bit. And, you know, they have the com very comfortable Mhmm. Passengers. I know. I had already been,

like, anticipating one day having, like yeah. It was more of the balancing thing anymore than anything. Yep. I'll never forget the day you were you you were working yourself up to believe you could never get on a motorcycle again. And I was like, well, why does that have to have two wheels? Can't you get one with more wheels? The balance let's take the balancing out of it.

I've already got things on my mind that I wanna search to see if I there's something out there to help you get back into other things I know you love to do. I'm not telling you because I don't wanna ruin the surprise. And or I don't want you to bring me down when you tell me there's nothing out there. So I gotta go do the search on my own, but if I find it, I'll let you know. Okay. K. Could we just make eyes of one another for the next twenty minutes probably? Yeah.

But I would like my piece of cake. Mhmm. And I think we're gonna watch, Jimmy Kimmel's, return to TV monologue. Yeah. I've already watched it, but I told JB, I was like, it's so good. Let's watch it again. I've seen a couple clips, but, yeah, I do I do wanna watch it again. Or all of it, I should say. Yeah. Yeah. If, when I woke up this morning not woke up. When I watched it this morning, it was like 09:00. Mhmm. It had

over 9,000,000 views. When I went back and saw it again or something, was looking at something in my feed, it had 17,000,000 views. 15,000,000 it, like, was a crazy big number. 75,000 comments. Now, I know somewhere in that 75,000 was some negativity because, of course, there was. But the the comment gods were blessing me because I was scrolling through comments to see what people were saying, and they were overwhelmingly

positive. It's like when I when we watched Jon Stewart, The Daily Show on Thursday when he did the, administration approved episodes. God laughed at myself. Sick. I know. Because I didn't wanna cry. Yeah. And that video got, like, within a few not that long had 10,000,000 views and a shit ton of positive comments. And and you know, just to show how, and I can't think of the word shit. But, you know, how people are really reacting. You know, they've said there's some,

affiliates that refuse to carry it. They're big cities where they're not showing up. Yeah. That's so weird. You know what people started doing? They started watching the channels that, you know, seeing who their advertisers are. Yes. And contacting their advertisers. And started contacting their advertisers. An account, I highly recommend if you just want somebody who's not trying to get your blood pressure up, but they talk about current events, Amanda's mild takes.

We follow her on Instagram. I know she's on TikTok. I want to subscribe to her Substack. Like, I would be willing to pay for her Substack because I like her shit that much. Yeah. I haven't looked to see how much it is though, so I don't know. Anyway, she did a thing where she, shared the template she's using to email advertisers because she said, you can call the affiliates, but they don't care. That's ideological for them. They're not gonna change their mind.

Mind. Exactly. She was like, so you gotta hit them where it hurts and let their advertisers know what's happening. She said she'd already gotten at least one response of, oh, I didn't know that and we will be fixing that. And I was like, okay, let's see if it really happens. Right? Yeah. Anyway Anyhoo. Yeah. So As the world burns. We have to find moments of joy. Yeah. Or at least I'll find moments of joy. Chocolate cake. Yeah. Jimmy Kimmel. I never I didn't really didn't watch Jimmy

Kimmel before. I like Stephen Colbert. I like John Stewart. I love John Oliver. Oh, my God. But I watching the monologue, I was like, oh, maybe I should be watching Jimmy Kimmel. I used I used to revel in late night TV. I never did. It was never really I I, you know, Saturday Night Live, I Mhmm. The Johnny Carson show. Mhmm. And, David Letterman. You know? Yeah. Mhmm. And I I I I'm I'm lucky to make it 10:00 most nights anymore. Well, yeah. Well, I watch it. Look, we do not watch John Oliver

on HBO when it comes out. That's 11:00 at night. Sunday night, our time, we're too old for that. We watch it the next day at about 7PM. Yep. Mhmm. Yeah. Now the first time I really like it wasn't late night, but it was the kind of the same thing, was The Daily Show when I was in college. And then we that and, South Park religiously. Oh, yeah. South Park. That's when I started watching that. Because I was like, oh, I'm watching Comedy Central. But I

didn't watch any of the rest. The other one I used to watch all the time too on comedies I think it was comedy Adult Swim. I never watched that, but yeah. I don't know. I don't think it was on Comedy Central, but, yeah, Adult Swim. I know what you're talking about. Whatever. Cartoon Network. Cartoon Network. Maybe. I don't I don't remember, but, yeah. I Adult Swim. To watch. I watch Jon Stewart when it's Jon Stewart

on daily show. Mhmm. And then every once in a while, I'll I like watching reels that were originally TikToks, I'm sure, of Stephen Colbert. I usually find those very funny. But if I'm gonna watch any of that stuff, it's probably gonna be on YouTube. You know? And I'm getting clips, but then I'm the fluff tends to be Yeah. Knocked out. Yeah. So, Teshu, I might have seen that speech, but maybe not. I know. So for anybody who can't see live chat, Teshu asked, have you seen Oliver's speech for

John Stewart receiving the Mark Twain award? I remember John Stewart receiving the Mark Twain award. I have seen some speeches from that, but I don't think I've seen that one. But I'll go search it up. Because I think it was in that when Jon Stewart was winning the marked was being honored with the Mark Twain award or whatever. I think that's where he said that comedians are the canary in the coal mine on First Amendment issues. Yeah. Yep. So That's true.

Anyway Yep. For people who were like, oh, I guess we'll go. We just fucking kept going, didn't we? Yeah. You know, it happens. But I do want dessert. Me too. So we're gonna go. Mhmm. Thanks for hanging out with us. Exactly. Thank especially to the bitter end. Holy shit. And we will hopefully see you next week. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.