You are listening to the Loving B d Ss M podcast, episode 360 1. Kayla Lord's here with the one, the only, the guy who is here with me as we're recording, but who is not here with me as you are listening to this, because time travel apparently exists. John Brownstone, woo. , . We're together in this moment. Yeah. That, that is reality for us. But we are not together in this moment. That is reality for listeners. It's a whole timey whining. Yeah.
, you're out of town and I miss you. I already know that. Like, , by the time our voices can be heard, you're out of town and I miss you and I'm ready for you to come home. That, that's easy. I don't even have to wonder. I know. Mm, mm-hmm. . Okay. So just so you know. Alright. Uh, but I'm glad you're here with me now, so, you know, but except our now and they're. Now, I mean, I'm glad I'm here now. Other, otherwise it'd be very hard to be doing this. I know. But.
Our now and the listeners now are. Two different things. I know. Yeah. It's freaking me out. I can't think about it too hard. and my brain will like, leak outta my ear. . We don't want that. No. This week, which is also a weird timing. Why me thing. Which week, the week we're recording. The week you're listening. I don't know. But this week we are doing another A B D S M Reddit response episode.
Um, and, uh, reacting to, responding to giving our take on some B D SS M questions and posts found over on Reddit. Yay. Okay, now I don't know what that was about. Uh, welcome to the Loving B D SS M podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving B D Ss DSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net.
Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on Twitter at loving BDSM, on FetLife, at loving BDSM PC on Instagram at, and threats at that handle. I fucking hate loving DSS in the number one. So that's at Loving DSS one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM where you can usually, but not this week. Watch us live stream the podcast.
Most, but not all Wednesdays. All link are in the big thanks as always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including our newest peeps. Uh, we can keep doing this weird thing on the internet in large part because of our kinky community over on Patreon. Mm-hmm. , uh,
and we're fucking grateful for every fucking one of you. Yes. Uh, if you'd like to join our kinky community and get access to extra content, like a video we just did on the Doctor Who Smash or Pass edition, um, or our Behind the Scenes podcast, where we not only talk about what we're doing for the Kry and living B D S M, but what's going on in our personal lives, uh, and access to a Discord server with a group of super cool, super nice kinks,
you can do that. Just join us at patreon.com/kayla lords, that's patreon.com/kayla lords or use the link in the show notes. Okay. So you're gonna turn the fan on. That's gonna be the hum and buzz in the background. Uh, sorry if that like is too much for folks. Do I have any announcements this week? No. Um, other than the thing we said in the intro for both, both audiences, uh,
please consider joining our Patreon. Mm-hmm. . Um, the fact that we have a kinky community over on Patreon is what allows us to not completely freak out when, you know, JB has to be gone for a solid week, and we have downtime from work and other things and, um, we do tend to get more personal. Y'all think you're probably going more personal? Yeah. I mean, as much as we share, we do tend to get more personal over, uh, in our Patreon community. Uh, we try to do a lot of fun stuff over there.
Mm-hmm. , but the fact that we are able to have the support from that part of the kinky community is what allows us to do all kinds of other things. And it is always much appreciated. We hope to give as much as we receive. That is always the goal, if not more than we receive. So, links in the places. Yeah. That's the announcement. So we're gonna get into these. Um, this was fun because I actually found posts, um,
from more than just the B D S M advice subreddit. Ah. Um, I found, I didn't even know this one existed, but it's probably been around forever. I just never looked. There was one called, there's a subreddit called B D S M help. Oh, I found one there. And then, and then the B D S M am I the asshole subreddit created by Princess Rah. Rah. Hi. Love you rah Rah. Uh, is getting a few more posts and I'm fucking loving it 'cause I pulled some from there too. . So let's get into these. I have seen these.
JB has not as usual. Um, and so yeah, we'll see. I don't think any of them went up. My first reading made me like, like made, made smoke come outta my ears. But you never know. You never know. So here we go. Okay. Okay. The first one, um, title is, have a Harder Time Obeying Him Without Scenes. Mm. Okay, here we go. Is it bad if I feel less desire to obey my dom when I feel unfulfilled? I really want a scene lately, but he's too busy. I understand that completely,
but it makes me feel kind of sad. The unfulfilled feeling. It leaves me not really wanting to follow my rules and honestly, I've kind of been racking up punishments not on purpose that aren't even being delivered. So maybe that's part of it, but feeling disobedient has me feeling grumpy and like I'm a jerk. I don't know any advice slash thoughts on how to navigate it. Part of my rules are diet related and I feel lonely at the moment.
I miss them and I kind of just want to eat some cake or stupid high calorie wings is a replacement for subspace without asking permission and then probably being denied. There's the grumpiness and they said in parentheticals just has me feeling like a jerk when I know he's truly busy and not willfully ignoring my needs or something. Part of me was thinking about safe wording rules for a day or two, but I worried that would come off as retaliation for him not playing with me or
selfishness or something. So. Wow. There's a lot going on there. There. Is a lot going on there. Yeah. The first thing is, and the most obvious and everybody's like yelling into at their podcast or their YouTube whatever is Yes. They, this person needs to have a conversation with their dominant Right. To go, Hey, I'm feeling unfulfilled, I'm not happy. Mm-hmm. , is there something that can be done? Right. It's an obvious one, but beyond that.
Beyond that. Right. Right. Um, you know, part of that, while you were reading it, I was like, Ooh, we have a little bit of a bratt in there, you know, but. They're not. Enjoying it, but, but they're not enjoying it. Yeah. Yeah. So, you know.
Yeah. Wow. That that, that is tough. Um, you know, I I think from, from this person's part, you know, um, I think they kind of need to kind of get into maybe, and, and maybe this is part of their problem about thinking about what they're doing that, you know, we both know how life can rear its ugly head and throw a monkey wrench in our mm-hmm. in our dss. It loves doing that. .
I think life is sadistic. Yeah. It's to say Li life, life life has its own, uh, little, you know, perverse pleasure, , but, um, you know, maybe if they thought about, you know, following the rules and, and, and stuff as part of their service to. Their service. If their service. If their service, yeah. So, you know, and to, to kind of take the edge off and maybe change that mindset a little bit.
You know, I mean definitely there, there needs to be some kind of conversation to go on, you know, I, I understand now I, I don't know, don't, didn't really get from this. Whether they're long distance or just, or or they are not living together, not, you know, not not living together or, you know, they're what whatever the, the situation is, um, from the gist of it, I'm kind of gonna go with that they are together but not physically together.
Right. Yeah. But, you know, there definitely needs to be a, a conversation to see maybe how they can reach some middle ground here. Oh, sure. Um, it, it seems prior to this, they had a fairly. Must have, you. Know, had. Rules followed them. Right. But something's fallen off somewhere. Yeah. You know, that that something and, and, you know, life does throw you off track so, you know, somewhere they need to, um, kind of find that middle ground, so to speak. You know, I, I know you're busy,
but you know, this is part of who we are and what needs to be Right. Taken. Care of and here's some of what I need that I'm not getting Right. My thing is, is this is a very good example of both sides of the slash need to what, however they define those have fulfillment feel fulfilled by the power exchange and the relationship. Because when one person or both, but when one person does not, it is much harder to keep up with doing the things that you've agreed to do.
Like in a perfect world, sure we should do the things we agreed to do because we agreed to do them. But my experience is that with power exchange, there's another level to that of I agreed to do this from a submissive perspective. I agreed to do this because you as my dom are overseeing it. Mm-hmm. , you're involved in it, I'm doing it technically for myself, but I'm really doing it for you. And if you are not engaged and involved,
who am I actually doing it for? Right. Um, if this is a relatively new relationship or just somebody who's new, um, to submission, there can be and probably has been both a level of sub frenzy and probably new relationship energy. Mm. And when both of those things start to kind of fall away, you know, now you're left with your own personal motivations and if the changes you've made and the the rules you've made aren't enough, aren't fueled in part by your own motivation to do them.
And you need that external motivation. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think there are plenty of people who do better with external motivation. Right. But if you don't have it, then it is harder to keep up with and it's very easy to go, well you should just do it 'cause you agreed to do it 'cause you're submissive. But that's not really how everything works, especially if you don't feel like your partner is engaged with it as Yeah.
As much as you have to be because this is gonna sound selfish and somebody out there's gonna disagree with me and that's fine. Not Oh, but when you are the submissive who is say, who has agreed and wants to mm-hmm. change how you do things, live by a certain set of rules, completely upend your habits, do things differently than you might have done them the previous 20 plus years
of your life. That's a lot of work where the dom sometimes, not always, but sometimes the only thing the dom has to do in that situation is be aware of it and keep track of it. Right. It's a different level of effort sometimes. Not always , not in all situations, but as a rule abiding submissive partner . Yeah. I'm doing some in those situations a lot more things than you were doing. Your job is to make sure to see that it got done and what gonna the overseer. Right.
And that doesn't mean that doesn't have responsibility and that doesn't come with its own set of mental energy and physical energy, but it's different. So if you go off and get busy and you can't oversee mm-hmm. and I'm still doing the thing,
I'm still maintaining a lot more effort. Right. And in some cases, some of the time, if you don't get the feedback you need, if you don't get the, the, um, give and take of the power exchange because you know that your dominant is paying attention and invested Right. Is following whatever, whatever, whatever the expectations are, it can be hard to keep that going on its own feedback loop. You need that external something. Yeah. And I think that it's very easy to go, well,
I got busy and I just couldn't pay attention. Okay, well you got busy and got to forget mm-hmm. And got to not care And, and I'm not even attributing like negative connotations to this person, but that means that you got the luxury mm-hmm. of not having to worry about it while expecting the remaining partner to keep worrying about it. Yeah. Without any gratification, any of the power exchange part, even for a limited amount of time. Mm-hmm.
, I think that is, it is understandable to have those feelings of, well I don't wanna do this, I want your attention. Yeah. You know, you can, there's bratty behavior that is consented to and is understood to be like, I'm doing this and it's supposed, you know, playful and fun mm-hmm. , ideally both partners are having fun and then there is, I'm resentful and I'm acting out and Sure. On paper somebody might call that quote variety behavior, but it's not the same.
It's, it's not the Yeah. You're right. Because it, it's. I'm not paying attention and I'm gonna do what I. Need to do. It's coming from that, that place of resentment and you know. Right. And I, Hey. Hey, hey. Right. Do you remember that I still exist mm-hmm. . And then this person said, okay, I've racked up punishments, but I actually haven't gotten them. So then my next thought is mm-hmm. did this Dom mentally check out of this power exchange Yeah.
Through I'm busy and I just don't have time for it right now. Or busy is my excuse and I've actually mentally checked out and the submissive in this situation is still trying to be a part of something where they're not getting the part that they need from it. Mm-hmm. . And so if that's the case, this all makes sense to me. Yeah. I mean, you know, you and I both know life loves throwing its monkey wrenches and you know, we are gonna be heading into the, into one of those phases. Sure. You know,
um, I'm gonna have to travel for a week. Right. And we have already been talking about, you know, okay, um, we're gonna FaceTime. Sure. Okay. That that is something, you know, it's like, duh, why haven't we done that before? We have. That's so weird. We haven't done that before. We have that ability, you know, um, I've, I've been thinking, oh, you know, um, I have control of the thermostat through my app, so I should be able to,
you know, like I do at night before we go to bed. I bump it for you. Right. You're perpetually hot. And and I'm like, oh, I could probably do that from anywhere with the app. So. And you know, we're 10 years in highly committed, married and living together. Mm-hmm. . So we've got a lot more ability to talk about these things. We've got the experience to talk about these things, but even then, so when we were long distance and we don't know if it's long distance or they
just don't live together. When you got busy, it never was. I can't speak to you at all and I don't have time for you. True. It just meant, okay, we have to modify a little bit because. No, this is, this is gonna be happening and, and we're gonna have to change this a little bit. And so we would modify and change expectations for both of us.
So I never just didn't get the checkin, I never felt like you weren't my dom and something is happening at this level of the dom is busy and I'm gonna air quote that because we have seen too many times that's used as an excuse. For people start, start posting and you're right. And, and when I saw, I'm thinking, you know, alright, well it, it kind of seems they have somewhat of a solid, um, dynamic. Um, you know, maybe they're a little inexperienced. Right.
And maybe I, I think, I think it's easy to forget. I put a lot of, um, thought into and think and feelings into the idea of a dom carries a lot of responsibility when they mm-hmm. when they understand it and they use their power. Well that's a lot to put on a do's shoulders and I try to be very mindful of that. Mm-hmm. and I try to, um, excuse. Me. Keep in mind the mental energy that is required, like for you to be the decider of this household, right? Mm-hmm. .
But the fact remains that depending on the dynamic in many dynamics, the sub is physically doing a lot more on a day-to-day basis. Mm-hmm. then a dom might be doing true if a dom is an overseer and the one that's like making sure it got done and checking in and then deciding is punishment warranted or is what do we need to do? And that's a lot and that's mental energy that it, and sometimes you just don't have it. Mm-hmm. and that's valid,
but I think mm-hmm. That is very easy for people to forget. Well, I don't have the mental energy to do this, but you need to keep doing what you're doing. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. There have been times when you kind of had to check out, 'cause shit's happening and I'm over here going, but I'm gonna keep doing my thing because it's important to me. It has meaning to me, I want to be doing it, blah, blah, blah.
But you and I have had many conversations about how physically exhausted I can be from trying to do all of the things. And I think this might be a case where the dom felt like they could check out a little bit. They're busy, they don't have time mm-hmm. , but the expectation is that the sub might not need to have their load lightened or might need to have more high touch, even if it's virtual time with their partner. Even if they can't have their direct dominance for the things that they're
supposed to be. Like, it's sometimes that imbalance is very obvious. You know, a dom can be like, well, I'm too tired and, and we're just, no, don't worry about it. I'm not gonna call you today. But, but submissive, I expect you to keep doing the however many things you agreed to do, but you might not get the feedback from me. You might not get the validation from me.
You might not get the check in from me. What, like, there's an inherent there can be, and not always an inherent unfairness and imbalance there. And I think that's very easily forgotten. It's like, well, a soap should just do what they said they would do. Well, we're not robots. Yeah. We need something from the other partner in order to keep going sometimes. Absolutely. I, I don't disagree. I mean, I, you know, it, it's like I said before, it's a matter of refilling the well. Yes. Okay.
Because the sub gives, gives, gives. Mm-hmm. , you know, something's gotta give, be given in return Right. To, to keep that well filled so they can keep serving. Right. 'cause then resentment builds and if you're breaking rules and then not even getting the, the feedback of, oh, you noticed I broke a rule. Here's my punishment. What am I doing here? Right. Yeah. So yeah. I mean, yes, the obvious is please have a conversation with your partner mm-hmm.
and tell them how you're feeling and just own up to what you have and have not been doing. And their response will tell you everything. And it could be a, Hey, you're really busy, so can I get a check-in? Can I get a text, can I get a whatever? Mm-hmm. Also, some of these things, can we lighten this load for me? Because if I can't get the external, you know, validation and, and, um, there's a word I can't think of motivation mm-hmm. that I need, you know. Right. What can we do here? Mm-hmm.
, but, but also, yeah. Can we, uh, this to me is classic. I'm feeling resentful and I've been forgotten and I'm not getting what I need out of this, so why do I keep doing what I'm doing? Yeah. Okay. Next one. All right. Okay. This one, um, was this from, yes. This one was from the B D SS M help subreddit. I'll have to check there more often. I did not know it existed. . Okay. So the title is What are Good Habits and Practices for a DOM to
cultivate? I'm involved in a long distance relationship with my sub girlfriend. We're only seeing each other once a month. If, if that. Uh, but hopefully that will change in the next few months. When it does, I want to be the best dom for her. I can be, what are some good habits, practices, et cetera. I can start to cultivate now so that I'll be on top of my game when we're together more often. Okay. Um, first thing that come that comes to my mind with that long distance consistency.
Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . Okay. Um, you know, set, set ground groundwork for, for some consistency. Um, you know, whether it being how you communicate and the times you communicate. Um, right behind consistency. I, I'm going to give you this, say be fluid. Okay. So like. Flexible, you mean? Flexible. Okay. Alright. Um, because things can change,
you know, things happen. You get like this, you know, you get busy in life, so you, you kind of have to be willing to be fluid, you know, don't get so stoic and set in your, in your habits and rituals and rules, you know, that, that you, you know, you see them set as stone and you can't move. Um, you, you have to be flexible. Um, you know, one of the things that that helped us, um, in, in our long distance relationship always, always, always keep the, the, uh, lines of communication open.
Yes. And I would say to that, uh, you're trying to be the best dom you can be to the best of your ability. Be very realistic about your submissives communication skills and abilities. And if they do not, not have great ones, uh, or if you know that's something they struggle with, or if you're, even if you're both still learning, take the lead in a couple of things, starting conversations. Mm-hmm.
encouraging your partner to say what they need to say. Um, and when you do start a conversation, have it be less about your needs, your wants, and more about what you want them to get better at as a communicator. Mm-hmm. like listening to them, asking them questions, encouraging them to tell you things that you think that or they think you won't want to hear. You know, whatever, whatever struggles that submissive has as a communicator.
'cause we all have them. Right. Part of that is, and you can do it now while you're long distance and before you get together. 'cause if you can do it when you're long distance, it is way easier to communicate once you're together and all the emotions are running high. Mm-hmm. be that person who helps them communicate in ways that are beneficial for them and give you the information you need to make the best decisions possible.
Right. Um, you know, part of being, part of communicating, um, is not just being able to communicate your needs, but being an active listener and hearing what the other person's and. Helping the other person draw the other person out. Give them the space to be awkward or to be scared, or to be whatever before they get comfortable saying what they need to say. Mm-hmm. And if this person is an excellent communicator, that's great. You like half the battle is there. Right.
But then just make sure that you are opening conversations up and giving them this space. Not that they always have to come to you and go, Hey, hey, I got a thing. I got a thing. Also, while you're communicating, if you're not already doing it, learn to share your own emotions. Right. Um, part of that can help prevent the whole pedestal thing that some submissives put
their partners on. Yes. And part of that shows that you can be vulnerable and that creates connection and intimacy, but also can let your partner know that, um, you're imperfect and that you're safe to share their vulnerable feelings with as well. Right. Um, the other thing I would say is manage your expectations, especially if you are going from long distance to being in person.
Mm-hmm. . Um, we learned this the hard way. , uh, you know, I had certain expectations, uh, that were ended up being way off the chart once we moved together, um, because of things that happened in life, you know, uh, a, a move that while it went well was not as smooth as it could have been. Um, you know, going into a new apartment and, and finding out immediately that the air conditioning was broken. Life is a sadist. Yeah. That's just.
So, you know, um, we had to, had, we had to backpedal, you know, and, and pretty much wipe the slate clean and, and start from square one. I think that goes back to your thing about learning to be flexible and fluid. Right. Because if you had been completely set on this is the vision I had mm-hmm. for what this would look like, you wouldn't have been able to hear me go, I can't, I can't do all of this. Right. It's just too much at one time. And you wouldn't have been able to go O okay, .
. Yeah. None of this is working. Let's toss out this plan. Mm-hmm. , let's get through the next couple of weeks, then let's start over again. Right. I think, um, one of the best traits that I love about a good dominant is when they are, they have some level of humbleness to them, like mm-hmm. , we love, we love a confident person. Just in general. It's, it's nice to see confidence, but part of that confidence comes from knowing you're don't have to have all the answers.
You won't have all the answers that you can be wrong. Right. That, you know, you can go, oh, that thing that's not working. I'm not, so I don't have my whole, um, sense of self tied into this thing that I can't let it go. Mm-hmm. . And for some people that's really hard. Yeah. Especially if you have this vision in your mind of what dominance is supposed to mean and that vision somehow looks like always being right. Always knowing what to do. Um, never being wrong,
like all of that. Right. Yeah. And that's what I, of the many things I appreciate about you, that's one of those things I appreciate about you. You are quick to go, Ooh, I don't know. Ooh, I fucked up. Right. That would be another thing I would say, if you want to cultivate some good habits, that is paying attention to celebrating and when possible leaning into your partner's strengths, okay? Mm-hmm. , you as a dom do not have to be all knowing all powerful. Right? Sure.
Maybe that's, that's where you want to get. Maybe that's a fantasy in your head, maybe that makes you feel good, great. But the way you're gonna get there is with help and your submissive is gonna know shit you don't know. They're gonna have skills you don't have. And not even just in kink and power exchange. Just in life. And to the extent that they're willing to, to use their skills on your behalf or to help you, don't ever be too proud to go, you know more about that than I do.
You're better at that than I am. Yeah. Can you teach me, can you help me? Can we work this together? And I'm gonna let you take the lead. Like whatever that is. And that's in life stuff. As an, in an L D R I am pretty good at planning a trip. Yeah. So who did that? Not just as a service, but because I was good at it, so it meant that sure JB was in charge, but I was the one going at this hotel would be better. This place, this timing, this, this, because that was, was a skill I had.
And from the outside looking in, it could look like I was dictating the terms of a visit. That's not at all what I was doing. Yeah. I was, because ultimately you're still the decider, but you let me do the things I'm good at Right. That are benefit to both of us. Mm-hmm. and a benefit to the relationship. Yep. And, and that kind of leads into what I was gonna say next, learn, be open to learning. Um, you know, none of us know everything there is to know and in, in this lifestyle,
it is always changing. It is always evolving. Be open to learning. Whether it's from reading, uh, lifestyle books, whether it's from attending workshops, whether it's reading blogs, podcasts, YouTube, you know, learn, soak it in. Not everything is going to apply to you. Then, you know, put that to the side, but you may always get some little nuggets, some tidbits that you're like, wow, I I didn't know I could do that. And that adds a little different twist. And, and it gives you, you know,
some more knowledge in, in what you are doing. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . The last thing I would say, and this isn't something I can tell you how to do, but I think it's something that if you keep this goal in mind, you'll get there. Um, be a safe person for your partner. Be a person that they can confide in. Mm-hmm. Be a person that they can admit hard things to. And part of that is, you know, by being a person who earns their trust and has integrity Yeah.
And is honest and is also vulnerable with them. Right. Like, if they tell you something you don't want to hear, and your response is, uh, I don't want to hear that. Or some variation, you are not a safe person for them. If they tell you, no, I don't wanna do that, and before you can accept their No, you ask 10 million questions and push back, you are not a safe person for them. Yeah. So the more,
and I think that's true of both sides of the slash mm-hmm. , but doms hold a lot of power and many submissives, most submissives want to please their dominant and so will Yeah. Will twist themselves inside out to do it, will violate their own boundaries, will do things they're not comfortable with in a way that's not a, oh, I'm uncomfortable and this is a growing moment, but I'm uncomfortable and I probably should not do this right now, kind of thing.
And the way to avoid some of that is to become a safe person for them to say no to, to say the hard things, to, to trust and believe in, and to really do that. Not go through the motions so you get what you want, but to like, to do the hard work on yourself and with them to have these vulnerable moments together, this true intimacy. And to be honest and have integrity and to be trustworthy. Yeah. Anything you wanna add? I think that pretty much, without going into too much overload, I mean we.
Could we, well do an entire episode on this probably. Okay. Next one. Okay. And it's from the B D S M. Am I the asshole subreddit? Mm-hmm. . So, yay. Okay, here we go. Uh, title am I the asshole for not being Okay with my friend's dynamic. Hmm. A few of my B D S M friends are in dynamic, I think is very dangerous. We started talking about it on a private munch party. They told me that the dynamic they're in doesn't have safe words and the sub
doesn't have limits. The dom decides what the limits are. This dynamic is about everything in their life as far as I know. I admit that I got very upset about hearing this as I have been in an abusive relationship. I removed myself from the situation and talked to one of my friends about it a little, but it's agree and agree to disagree situation at the moment. I think this kind of dynamic, these kinds of dynamics make it very hard to leave an unhealthy relationship.
I think you need a sense of self and boundaries to keep a relationship healthy and be able to leave if needed. In that sense, the comment from one of the submissive partners that she would quote just would just leave was worrisome to me. I don't know how to relate to these people from now on. They were becoming good friends, but I don't wanna support relationships I think are unhealthy. I'm wrong. Am I wrong for not wanting to be friends anymore? Is that even the right move?
Or should I push for making the relationship healthier or is that not my place? And kink shammy. Ooh. Mm-hmm. . Ooh. Mm-hmm. . Um, there is, there's a lot going on there. Yeah. There. Is. Um, I, I think I , how do I Yeah. Um, I I think the person writing this, um, from what they're saying has caused to be concerned. Yeah. If I heard that, I would be concerned for sure. Okay. Um, I mean, even in consent, consensual non-consent, um, the subs limits are taken into account. Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. You know, um. And the sub has limits. And, and they always have limits. Everybody has their limits and boundaries has limits. Right. , um, that, that, you know, that's a given. You may say you don't, but you do. Right. You wait till you find it. You might not have found it yet. Is is how that goes. Right. And, you know, for them, them to not have safe words and, and, you know, the, the do to decide what their limits are.
Um, no. That does not sound very healthy at all. No. Um, is it the, is it this person's place to inject themselves? Probably, I, I hate to say this, but probably not mm-hmm. , um, you know, I, I'm, I'm not saying this to be mean or, or to sound cruel or that I want to see somebody hurt. Um, sometimes in many cases, someone being in a relationship like this, they have to come to terms. And they got figured out for themselves. And, and they have to figure it out for themselves. Um,
I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. Mm-hmm. , um, knew this person that I worked with, um, as, as a work, you know, people who worked together, we got along fine. Um, got to know them on a, on a more personal level, um, came to realize this person was abusive. Mm-hmm. , uh, the person he was with, we had kind of also become friends. And I tried to interject because I thought it was wrong. Sure. Um,
it ended up badly. Okay. Um, I think if they really want to help, um, they should at the very least remain friends with this person because at some point it is going to unravel. Oh God. Yeah. . Okay. It's definitely. Gonna unravel at some point it's going to unravel and, and that person is going to need friends, is going to need some kind of support. Okay. Um, are they kink shaming in this aspect? I don't think so. I think kink shaming is when you go, Ew, that's wrong, that's bad to the person.
Or you can go around. Right. I. Community and Yeah. But. I mean, you know, I don't like, I don't like needles. Right. Okay. It's my choice. I do not look at needle pictures, you know? Right. If I can help it, um, you know, but I don't go to somebody and say, oh my God, that's disgusting. You shouldn't be doing that. Right. Okay. Enjoy it. That's your thing. If that's what you love and you're doing it in a healthy way, in a consensual way.
And, and see that's the difference. When, when, if the complaint is about something because the kink exists and other people do it mm-hmm. , and you go, Ew, gross, eh, or Oh, I just don't understand, that's kink shaming. If the complaint is not, hey, you're doing the kink, but hey, you're doing it in an unsafe way and. Unsafe and unhealthy way you could get hurt. Right. Pointing out that you could get hurt and. This. King shaming, this is not best practice. That's not kink. Shaming.
No. That is, you know, acknowledging reality. Yes. It might be inserting yourself in a place where you're not wanted. Right. And that's a whole different kind of thing to navigate. Yeah. But acknowledging that hey, uh, the, the, the way this looks from the outside is not safe. Not good. Right. And that's probably not how that should in the mm-hmm. , you know,
should be done. That's not king shaming. No. So here's the thing I would say the, the detail in this, 'cause for the most part, I would typically I think agree with your, with what you're saying here mm-hmm. , the detail that stands out to me is that this person is watching this and they have been in an abusive relationship. Right. So they are primed to see things that the average person would not see. Sometimes it means they see things that look bad to them because of their,
their history mm-hmm. that are not bad. And sometimes it's that they see it very clear-eyed and they're like, whoa, I see all the red flags here. Yeah. But that means that that could be very triggering for that person. Yes. And I think because of that, I think outside of that, even if this was not the case, but in this situation, I don't think they're obligated to maintain a friendship if they're gonna watch somebody walk into mm-hmm. ,
like eyes not wide open at all, but closed very tightly. Yeah. Walk into a situation that they can see it has a lot of potential for danger. I think that they get to take care of themselves first and foremost. True. Yeah. Because you can't be a good friend if you are like rattled. That being said, if, if that person went the potential friendship with this person, the partner who is the sub with a don mm-hmm. who's decided there's no, what, what, eh,
throw the whole guy person away. Right. Um, if they see something beneficial to maintaining the friendship with that person, I think if they, the opportunity presents itself for them to go look, the dynamic you're talking about, it really bothers me. It triggers me. I've seen things like this before. Mm-hmm. , I am here for you, but I cannot participate and watch this relationship. Okay. When you need me, I'm here. If we can talk about things and be around one another,
that it's not about your dynamic, I'm down for it. Right. Um, if things go south, if you are in trouble, I will, you know, I'm not gonna judge you. You can come to me and I'll do my best. Mm-hmm. , right? Mm-hmm. . If a person is willing to do that and put themselves in that situation, I think that would be a great way to do it. Yeah. I think it's also okay to not
to go, I don't wanna just have to ignore watching this. Right. True. No, I don't wanna just have to pretend I don't hear and see things that go against my own ethos. As a ster, I think it is absolutely okay to withdraw yourself from those friendships and those people. Um, if the opportunity presents itself. And what I mean by that is that person goes, Hey, can you know, you know about kink? What are some resources? What are some of this? What are some of that?
Or you get into that sort of organic conversation about what do you know about this? Or how do you think about that? And they're asking questions and they're asking for your opinion. Give your opinion. If they're not asking for it and they're actively resisting it, I think it's okay to go, okay, I'm not engaging. Because there's a very real chance that two things. One, the more you tell them how wrong they are, the more you push them in that direction. 'cause people don't like to be wrong.
It's human nature thing. You're not wired for handling that well a lot of the time. Two, there can absolutely be a fear when this person who is fucking around finds out. 'cause they will, the, the dom decides what the limits are and there's no safe words is so dangerous. Mm-hmm. , are there some very, very, um, minute number of people who can make that work in like an owner slave thing after literal years of experience and tons of safe parts.
And place. Yeah. But even with them, they've discuss. But, but that is so rare. But even then, they have discussed things beforehand. They have, but I have heard many, uh, now I'm gonna air quote this master, go, okay, I've discussed it. I know what your limits are, so I know what I get to decide for you. And, and there's an element of this. We, what we don't know is how much did they discuss this? I'm not saying I still think it's safe. Yeah.
I think that the people who can safely do this are the absolute exception and in no way the rule. And I think there are far fewer people out there who can do this safely than people who think they can do this safely. But if you unsolicitedly, is that a word? . If you are not asked and you start telling 'em about why it's wrong and why it's unsafe, and one, there's the threat of pushing them further away, right? Mm-hmm.
towards that person. Two, there's also the threat of when they do figure out that this is wrong, they don't feel like, they feel like they're gonna get an I told you so where they feel a sense of shame because you did tell them and they did not listen. Yeah. And so I think it's a balance. I think that, you know, I think it's, you've had your say, you've explained to them, I don't think this is safe. You're not king shaming.
You're not king shaming By acknowledging that it doesn't seem safe to you. I think you get to decide what you are able to handle because you can't break yourself for another person who doesn't want your help or to help themselves. Right. That doesn't do you or anybody else any good. I think having a sense of self-preservation is a very good thing. And only you know what you can handle being around. I also think you don't have to fake it and be their friend and act like you think this is okay.
I think withdrawing would probably be the safest option to the extent of, is this a person, a friend you would love to have in your life long term? Especially after this hellish dynamic is definitely gonna be over eventually then there might be ways that you go, Hey, I'm here for you. Hey, if you ever have questions, hey, if you ever need somebody to talk to, I just can't be around your dynamic. It's, it's too much for me. Mm-hmm.
, that person's gonna decide for themselves what they're, you know, if they're comfortable with that or not, or if they feel judged. The more people kind of push back sometimes the more that's a projection. They know something's not right, so they can't hear anybody else tell them it's not right. Um, but until they ask for your advice, and sometimes they might ask for kink advice and it not be about the dynamic, and you can point them towards resources that will show them there are better
ways to do things. Mm-hmm. , but I don't think you have to break yourself off on that. I don't think you have to hurt yourself in order to help somebody who does not, who is not actively seeking your help. And, um, we cannot save everybody from themselves. True. Do, do we all know what the worst possible outcome could be? Absolutly, do we all not want that to happen? Absolutly.
But if the person who is in that situation is not in a place where they're going to hear you and they're gonna push you away, and you're not gonna help them until it's too late, or they're gonna go further down a rabbit hole and whatever, you can't help somebody who doesn't want to help themselves. All, all you can decide is how much can you safely for yourself be there.
And if it's not safe for you to even be around it, then that's okay. Then, then they're going to have to find out on their own. And they will 99.9% of the time, oh, they find out and, and I hate it, that they're people are traumatized or they think they're not kinky or they're like, bad things happen to 'em. I don't want bad things to happen. No, but you can only give them the information so much. They're the ones that gotta pick it up and do something with it.
And if that person's not ready and they're not asking those questions, you can't force it. But you're not kink shaman either. No. Okay. Okay. That was a heavy one though. Yeah. Okay, here we go to the next one. Um, it's another Am I the asshole? Mm. Am I the asshole for considering taking off my 24 7, their quote here, collar I 20 6:00 AM collared by a Dom 34. For the past six months, I have been her slave slash pet and a domestic servant and loving it.
My first actual taste of the kink life. However, starting in May, she said she needed a kink break. I understood. As we were both new to the kink at the beginning of it. So a break made sense. Now it's almost the end of June, and she still has not given me clarity on when she would like to start kink back up again. I'm feeling very anxious about it, but also a bit upset over the lack of communication and lack of clarity on her
end. She wants to become a pro dom and has said that my sessions with her in the future would be cut a lot shorter and less than what they were. Which first of all, good for her, but also I'm feeling like she is trying to get rid of me at this point by always saying she is busy, never actually messaging me. And noted we're friends outside of kink too. So it's not just about kink with her and I and never actually sang when she is free next. At this point I'm considering taking off my collar.
It's a bracelet as I feel like this sense of ownership is gone and the communication just isn't there on her end. I'm not really liking wearing it anymore as it just makes me feel sad. Am I the asshole here? No. No. Not the asshole. No, no. Definitely not the asshole. Um, you know what, what you were saying earlier on, one of the things I think this, um, you know, from, from reading what has been written here, it definitely sounds like the person has checked out from.
That. Oh God. Yeah. And they're just not able to, or willing to just have that hard. Conversation, have that hard conversation and go. Yeah, I'm done with this. Yeah. I. Don't wanna do this anymore. Yeah. Um, I mean, for them to say, well, you know, I'm, I'm looking into being a pro pro dom on, you know. And so that means I can't play with you at all. And, and, and, and, you know, our, our time to play, you know, who knows that that's. That's not a commitment to that relationship.
No, it's not that, that's, that's, you know, as they would say the writing on the wall. Oh, yeah. Okay. So, you know, no, I don't think that person is, is, you know, the asshole for wanting to take off the collar. Um, at this point I, I, I think they should and, and kind of move on. Yeah. I think, and this is a personal thing, I, I, my personal thing would be,
I, I would send that one, one more message, email to mm-hmm. , however you communicate and go, look, we're not in a dynamic at this point. I feel like I'm being strung along. You're not engaging with me in the way that I, that we once did mm-hmm. . And in a way that I need to feel like I'm part of this relationship. I'm gonna just take off my collar. And then of course, we've had these conversations way in the past. What do you do with the collar?
Do you send it back? Is it yours? I don't know, but whatever. Yeah. That's up to that, you. Know, you seem to be checked out of this mm-hmm. , I can't do this anymore. I'm, I won't be wearing your collar. I would like to believe that me non-confrontational me would at least do that, but I think that's a personal choice. I think that, um, that's about whether you think you'll get an answer back, whether mm-hmm.
, it's one of those things that, you know, if you're like, clearly this is over and done with, I'm just taking it off. They won't even notice, they won't say anything. Yeah. You know, you know. 'cause I think there's also a thing where you could just never reach out to them again and they probably would never reach. Out to you. I mean, they, they probably wouldn't get an answer. I mean, it says they, they never actually messaging them. Right. You know, so.
For me personally, I think I would do it to be able to go, I feel like I did well, air, air quote this, this is personal subjective, the right thing. Sure. That would feel like the right thing to me mm-hmm. to create that sense of closure of, okay, you are shitty at communicating, but I'm not, yeah. I'm gonna, I'm gonna do this in a way that feels right to me. If that doesn't feel right to you, then don't do it. But that would probably be the only thing I would do.
And if somebody asked me my advice on what they should do, I'd go, okay, maybe this. But I also think that if they're that checked out, they're not even gonna notice. Mm-hmm. , you could literally just stop messaging them, take off the collar and they'd never know because they've already moved on. Yeah. And, but since they're friends outside of the dynamic, they might, I could, that would be the other reason for do, for saying something as you're doing it.
Because if your friends outside of the dynamic, you're probably gonna run into one another. Yeah. And, you know, are hopefully they would notice you weren't wearing the bracelet anymore. One, one would think Yeah. One would. Hope. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I, first of all, you're not the asshole. Second of all, yeah. This person is checked out and does not have the confidence or the communication skills to just, you know, they're, they're just not willing to just say the hard thing of, Hey,
this isn't working for me anymore. I'm, I'm moving on to other things. It was great while it lasted. I'm so sorry. Whatever. Whatever. Right. And that sucks. 'cause, you know, everybody in involved in a power exchange relationship needs to develop their communication skills. And this might not be fair to Doms, but I sure as shit do expect a lot more from a fucking dom. If you get all that power, that means you get all that responsibility and that means mm-hmm.
learn to use your fucking words. Yeah. But I also know that it's a skill and if they were both new to kink at this time, that skill might not have been developed. Quite frankly. That's a little scary if the, the dom before they go pro can't have a car hard conversation with somebody. Yeah. And it, it, there's no money like riding on it and it's just an interpersonal relationship. How are they gonna be as a pro when your communication skills really have to be
on point because you're managing expectations for you and a client. Mm-hmm. , like, I can't even fucking imagine. Right. Yeah. That's a them problem. And when they write into Reddit, we'll, we'll respond to 'em. , , that's not this person's problem. No. This is where my mind went. Yeah. Um, they're not the asshole. Definitely. And either just take the fucking collar off and stop contacting or mm-hmm. find like whatever makes them feel good about what's happening.
To say something like, however that would work, send. Send that final communication however you, you choose to do it. And, and then go nurse your heartbreak with like, your good friends, the people who like care enough about you to tell you the hard fucking thing. Like Yeah. Yeah. And, and you know what, be heartbroken. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , be angry, be sad. Feel the emotions that you feel mm-hmm. . Like it, was it not an official breakup? No. But it's.
But it's still, still, it's still a, a breakup. Right. You know's just been like strung out over weeks, which that's unfair to you completely. Yeah. And I think whatever emotions come up, you know, are valid. Mm-hmm. . And it was a real relationship for you, and you were keeping it going as best you could and they were not participating. And so, yeah. But no, you definitely take the fucking thing off. Yeah. Okay. Last one. And this is really long. Oh goodness.
But I got so into it while I was reading, I went, okay. We, I've, we've gotta do this one. So bear with me. All right. As I read, it's so long. Okay. With rose tinted glasses, I'm finding it hard to see if these are red flags. Mm. Hi y'all. I 18 female am new to the scene, but I've known, I've been interested in B D S M for a while. Sorry, in advance for the length of this post . I'm not near any major cities, so I turn to the internet and anonymous chat rooms.
Most of the guys there aren't looking for a partner. They're looking for someone who will send them nudes and hype up their own mediocre at best and downright misogynistic at worst fantasies. A few of the first people I chatted with had no talk of boundaries or consent or anything really. Eventually I hit it off with an experienced guy, 23 question mark, male who was interested in doming me. I'm a switch, but normally I don't disclose this for fear of getting turned down.
So I said I was a sub. Instead, we chatted briefly and it was like finding a needle in a haystack. We talked about kinks, boundaries, what I was and wasn't comfortable sharing even the types of punishment I'm okay with. He even made me declare a safe word before we even started. We played the first time and it was great. He pressed buttons I didn't even know I had and pushed me in a way that felt encouraging. I wanted to keep going,
but he stopped the scene and made me get dressed. Good thing too. My legs were shaking and I felt kind of exhausted. He sent a couple messages telling me to get some rest, and then he told me no touching myself for the next 24 hours. Chastity slash orgasm control wasn't something we had discussed or even brought up 'cause I'm an idiot. I decided to break his only rule he gave me to see what would happen or something. Even now, I'm not really sure why I did that.
I think I felt the need to test him or something. When I told him his messages, when I told him, his messages became really short. He told me not to contact him until the next night and refused slash ignored my begging for a punishment the next day. I felt so weird and bad. It was like I had just kicked a dog or something. I tried doing things I normally enjoyed, but it all felt so empty and lifeless. I felt sick and couldn't eat much.
I wrote out a long message explaining that I was sorry I'd take any punishment he wanted to give and that I wanted to discuss slash renegotiate boundaries. He told me not to message him, so I decided to hold off until the time he gave me. The next night. He asked how my day was and I answered honestly. He told me that he was glad I understood what I did was wrong. Then I sent the long ass message I wrote earlier, and all he responded was that quote, I didn't need to worry about the agreement.
All my job was to obey. This struck me as really off for some reason, but I agreed anyway because he's the one in charge because I felt bad. He told me to get some rest and text him in the morning. When I woke up, I texted him and he asked if I was feeling better. When I responded in the affirmative, he initiated a scene. This one was shorter and much less satisfactory. I had trouble communicating what I wanted and it left me feeling more frustrated and lonely.
I had to ask for further commands and had to wait minutes for a response, even if it was just a yes or no. Earlier tonight, I was expressing some frustrations about my vanilla life and getting in trouble for things I couldn't control. He told me that he messes up too sometimes and I should try to avoid any mistakes in the future. I thanked him because I didn't know what else to say and then we didn't talk any further because this is the first chat that's extended past one scene.
I feel the need to continue it. I would feel extremely guilty ghosting slash blocking him, even if I've only known him for a few days. But at the same time, I feel so shitty and I just want something more. Um, T L D R. I've been in some online chat rooms and found a dom. I really hit it off with. However, every subsequent scene or interaction has left me off kilter and wondering if I'm in the wrong here. Additional info. I don't know his name,
only his username. I haven't called him anything other than sir, and I'm not sure what will happen if I do. My username is a fake name, so it can't be connected to me. While I have sent various photos slash videos, I've received nothing. Luckily, all my images do you know how my face are personal info in them and he, to my knowledge, hasn't saved or screenshotted any of them. I think he's in a different time zone. He seems surprised when I told him that it was, was what time it was for me.
And when we texted at night, he mentioned something about needing to finish up work. There might be a language barrier while he capitalizes the first word of every sentence and uses punctuation correctly. There are some times where his wording is a little off, like the grammar isn't quite right. I'm worried that what I'm saying in English might not be translating correctly. Um, I forgot to mention earlier, but he asked me if I had any other doms.
I'm polyamorous plus I've been chatting with some other guys. I told him that I had texted other people, but he was the first one to be nice to me. He only asked if I had other doms the night I told him about touching myself. I felt dejected afterward and went back to the chat room again and found a sub there who I played with for two plus hours. That was magical. And he was so good. I made sure after the scene to tell him how good he was,
how proud I was of him. Just generally being flattering. Unfortunately for me, that sub can't play nightly and I have a fairly high libido with me. We, me plus the sub discussed it and our texting and playing is not an exclusive thing. So the advice I'm looking for is, am I just not well-versed enough in BDSM slash the scene? And this is actually normal. Are these actually warning signs? And if I do wanna find a long-term or even short-term partner, where do I look?
It is not, it's typical, but it's not normal and it's not okay. Let me just say that , it is fucking typical, sadly, but it is not okay. I it's not normal. That guy's a piece of fucking shit. That guy was looking for a cheap thrill. Thrill with none of the fucking responsibilities. Right. I, I agree with you wholeheartedly. Um, you know, um, you know, while she is young, so young, yeah. Oh my God. Um, you know, she, she does have some knowledge obviously of yes. B D S M. It's hard not to. Okay.
Right. I mean, we, but we have to say, and we do mean please don't be under 18 here. Right. But we also know if you are a person with access to the internet, come on y'all. We know. We know. We know. Right. It, it's, it's easy enough for for them to find. I mean, I, I still remember the day we were when we were at, at the old Munch that we ran and person walked in and was like, you just. Turned 18. I I I just turned 18. I, you know, been following the lifestyle for a long time,
but I stayed away because I, I wasn't of age. But now I am. And I, I want to be here. . I know. They were. Okay. This is me showing how old I am. They were adorable and precious and I fucking loved it. Right. I, from the very top before, before she even got into is this guy shitty, my heart broke because she said, I'm really a switch. Yeah. But I get turned down for that. So I just said I was a sub. Yeah. And that what I would tell anybody of any age,
but certainly our baby sters who are just coming in. Right? Yeah. Whether you're baby ster. 'cause you found out five minutes ago when you're 60. Mm-hmm. Or you're 18. Please just be true to who you are if you're a switch. Say, let people self-select out. Let them knope out before they drag you into their bullshit and you're feeling away. And then they can't reciprocate with what you need. Please. I mean, that I understand being lonely and wanting to play and wanting the fulfillment.
Mm-hmm. or even temporarily. But when it comes to like looking for something that's gonna be real, please just be who you are. Just say, right, I'm a switch. I'm a this, I'm a that. Mm-hmm. , just. Don't, don't be as, don't be feel. You need to be ashamed of who you are. 'Cause I promise you, if more people would do that one, you know, it might be fewer and further between before you found people mm-hmm.
you could play with even temporarily. But two, I think you'd probably be shocked at how many people really are switches, but won't say it because they have had to deal with either stigma or rejection. Or whatever. You know, I I I, I've talked about this in the past, how, you know, in, in many places if you were known as a dom in, in a certain local mm-hmm. community, um, you know, but you were actually a switch. Yeah. You, if you came out as a, as a switch, you were shunned.
I know such some of these people used to go to different cities. I know. To be able to, to such bullshit. Yeah. It is. And and it's sad to see something like this still existing. Um, you know, my, my best advice to this person Yeah. Block and. Delete. Yeah. You know, walk, walk away. Um, you know. Yeah. It's hard. I, I think in the beginning they said they were not near a local a, a. Metro. Right? No. They don't have access to something. Local. And in person.
Um, can't believe I'm really saying this, um, you know, fe life get on FET life. I mean, you're still gonna come across some of that. You absolutely fucking are. You are. But if there are anybody, if there is anybody in your local area, you may be able to find them. Right. Just 'cause it's not a major metro. Doesn't mean there're any five. Marches or something. Doesn't mean there aren't, you know, um, odd odds are in favor that you are not the only kinky person where you live.
Right. Right. You just don't know about it. Um, you know, the other thing is, um, you know, chat rooms can be fun. Chat rooms can be interesting. It's a great place to play an experiment. It. It's a great place to play an experiment, but, you know, um, it, it is also a cesspool a a lot of, because. Some people figure out the language of this. Yes. So they sound good. Right. But they can't actually back it up with like the reality. Mm-hmm. This guy, I think is a prime example. Yeah. New,
all the right things to experience mm-hmm. experience. Experience. Shithead is what he is. Right. Um, you know, get in, go, go into fe life. You know, you're 18, you're of age now and you know, not only to look for people in your area, but my gosh, you know, even in the closest metro area, you may find online communities mm-hmm. , you know, um, since, since the pandemic, so many things were put online and so many things have remained there. Yeah.
You know, so many workshops now are hybrids. They're done in person and in line. Munches are done hybrid in person and in line, you know, and. Online in a kink space for Sters, right? Yes. There will be shitty people always mm-hmm. everywhere. But you also can find online groups that are geared towards switches. Right. Like, you could find other switchy people and whether you play or not is less the point and you're gonna make friends. Let's go through the red flags, right?
Yeah. Because their initial questions, am I seeing, are these rose colored glasses? Is this really a red flag? Let's see. Um, the good, the good part is they had these conversations, right? Yeah. But stop the scene. Made her get dressed. I hear, I see. And read nothing, uh, about aftercare, about making sure No. How are you doing? Let's check in a couple of messages telling her to get some rest. Uh, and that's, I don't see where they negotiated aftercare. Mm-hmm. Um,
I don't see where it was offered. It would be her prerogative to go, I don't need that. Or I mean, sometimes you learn the hard way. Whether you need aftercare or not. I don't need that. Don't worry. But I don't see where it's even discussed. So that tells me no discussion. So all we talked about were the kinks in the play, but we're, we are not talking about what do we do afterwards mm-hmm. . So she gets no aftercare. So that tells me, I'm not saying she hit subspace.
Maybe she did if her legs were shaky and she felt kind of exhausted, maybe. But that means that she had some kind of up Yeah. Which means she's gonna have some kind of down, so that's gonna be drop, right? Yeah. Then so no aftercare, first one, no. Even conversation about it Right. Then makes a rule about no touching herself for 24 hours. When that was something that was never even previously discussed. They never discussed next red flag. Right. Um, so then decides that the punishment is, um,
to to be ignored. Yeah. Or to go no contact. That doesn't sound like that was something they discussed either. No red flag. And to fucking do it just because you're motherfucker, you're playing at this point, you were playing it being a dom. Mm-hmm. , you're not actually a dom. Shut the fuck up. Right. Um, then feeling weird and bad. So I think there was some drop. And then I think there was that emotional crash of I can't talk to this person
who I'm, I think I have this connection with. I just had this moment with like, so it's either basically drop on top of drop or it's just that, that emotional, uh, of, I, I feel like I've been abandoned at this like mm-hmm. Moment. Mm-hmm. You and I tried one time to do no. Contact. We drive one time and, and, and, yeah. No, no. Not only do we know we can't do it, I'm, I know there are people who do it.
I'm not a fan of it. Mm-hmm. I don't, I maybe if you have somehow lived a perfect life with no trauma and no triggers, but mm-hmm. , you know, there's like five of you on the planet like that , most of us most of us didn't live that life. So, you know, I don't, I would never recommend it. I don't love to see it when people tell me they do it. I mean. But I, I, I admit at, you know, and I admitted it was the stupidest thing I ever did. Yeah.
I mean, you broke it, thank God. Yeah. I was, uh, yeah. Yeah. Um, basically not communicating if she sends this long ass message mm-hmm. , and then he, you know, says he was glad she understood what she did was wrong. No. I mean, yes, maybe, but she didn't really do anything wrong. There was no rule. So there was no impetus on her to maintain a rule that she didn't agree to, that she hadn't consented to it in the first place.
And also now she sent a long message explaining her feelings and he does not engage with her on that. That Right. And have a real conversation. Red flag. Yeah. Red. Fuck him. They're a red flag after red flag. After red flag. Right. A lot of them. Yes. Right. And every time she's like feeling bad, whether it's physically because she just went through something intense or emotionally, because he put her through something intense. Mm-hmm.
, his response is, get some rest. Yeah. I'm fucking cringing. I wanna like turn myself inside out. , this is so Yeah. And then oh, oh, when they're talking again and he's like, oh, you feeling better? Okay, let's scene. Yeah. Like, it's not, yeah. I mean, and here's the thing. I think it's okay to have these dynamics, especially online, where it's primarily about seeming mm-hmm. and it's more of a, a kink thing or maybe a sexual thing and less about power dynamics.
But if you are going to play at power dynamics, there are certain elements that still need to be there. Communication being one of them. Even, even as a top and a bottom that you're not in a relationship. You just play together. You know, there, there has to be some kind of communication if, if the other person is not up to playing. Right. You know, then it needs. To be able to, and so here's the thing. So she had trouble communicating what she wanted, feeling more frustrated,
lonely. They're in a scene. Mm-hmm. , but she's having to wait minutes for a response. If you don't actually have the time for a scene that you can dedicate to it, you need to fucking say that. Right. Right. Yeah. You need to like be upfront and go, okay, yeah, let's scene great, but I'm in the middle of stuff, so my responses might be a little whatever. Or you know what, I can't give you my full focus for even 10 minutes.
So let's schedule this for when I can. I think it is highly unfair of somebody. And I know that shit happens and when we're sexting and like, weird shit happens, but this guy in 24 hours has a history of being shitty. So he does not get the benefit of my doubt. He absolutely is fucked up for this . I don't like him throw the whole fucker out. Mm-hmm. . But, so he's off living his life and playing it, being a dom. She's trying to be a good submissive.
'cause she thinks she's made this connection with somebody. Yeah. Feeling like shit. Possibly a drop, certainly like mm-hmm. , I don't know anything about her. But are you triggered by the fact that you were literally ignored for any amount of time? Like, come on, let's be real here. Right. And then we're in mid scene. So let, let's paint this picture. If you've never been on the other side of this, this is a submissive been a scene. I'm waiting to be told what to do.
I'm doing the thing, doing the thing, doing the thing, asking a question, waiting for command. Mm-hmm. . And then I'm like left hanging for several minutes when you both know that's what you're doing and you're both in on that. And you understand that's a different thought process and dynamic than Yeah. I think we're having this intense scene and I have to wait on you because that's what we do here. And you leave me fucking hanging . Yeah.
What? No, no, don't, don't like this motherfucker. Um, this is one of those times he does not, I would say block, ghost, whatever. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . This is not a thing where this person maybe des air quote deserves the, let me give you one less message, lemme tell you how you're feeling because we've already got proof of within 25 hours of explaining how you feel and literally getting nothing for it.
This person is playing. Yeah. And that's okay to play at being a dom, but fucking be honest about it. Here's what I'm gonna say too. You know, in, in one point she talks about how she was expressing frustration about a vanilla life and, and getting in trouble for things they couldn't control. You know? And, and. And. Yeah. You know, try to avoid making mistakes in the future. What the. Fuck that is like platitude that is.
Meaningless. Right. It's, it's, and you know, to, to kind of put this and, and she is looking as, as her subside for someone, excuse me, hang on a second. Yeah. Take a sip of water. Little a climp there. And you know, rightfully so. If this is what she wants, she is looking for someone, you know, maybe just to, to play with, but. To be invested. But to be invested. Right. And this person. Is not, and, and he is not. No. But is, is trying to wrap up his shit in a pretty bow like he is Yeah.
He's saying some of the right things, but a lot of the wrong things. He's not actually following through or following up. Following. Through. Right. Right. Like, he's giving platitudes that are actually meaningless. Like if you step back and go mm-hmm. , what does that even fucking mean? Right. It means nothing. 'cause he doesn't know what to say. And, and instead of going, I don't know what to say, God, that really sucks. I don't know how to help you.
He's like, let me sound ly in kind of that like bullshit way of, I've just strung together a word salad and it is meaningless. Yeah. Um, and because she's having this connection for what might be the first, the, it sounds like the absolute first time for her it's intense. I'm not saying full blown sub frenzy because for her to be able to step back and go, wait, I feel shitty and this is, this is shitty. Right? Yeah. Like,
I feel like you're not fully in the frenzy. Or maybe could had he, thankfully he didn't, had he strung her along a little bit more, I think she probably would've fallen right into it. Yeah. And then it would be harder to see mm-hmm. , Hey wait, is this, is this right wrong? What's happening here? Like, she seems to be very well aware of mm-hmm. , this is making me feel bad and hey look, I can now juxtapose this with a situation where, yeah, I was the dom in the situation I to,
but it was really good and I had a really good connect. Yes. And here's what I fucking did for my air quote sub who I was playing with online. Right. That she did not get in mm-hmm. . So she has an understanding of it on some level. Sure. Um, therefore I would hope she'd go, wait, I didn't get this. I gave this to a person 'cause this is what feels right, what I know is right. Whatever, whatever. But I didn't get that. Courtesy because. This dumb.
Motherfucker, it comes down to you give what you would like to receive. Right. And in all of her inexperience, and based on what she's doing, she took care of that person who played with her. And it is proof that you can play and it can be casual and it can be temporary and fleeting because it's the internet and you can still. Give a fuck, still have that compassion and empathy. Right. Right.
And still do the things that take care of the other person because you just did this exciting but still vulnerable and intimate thing. And so therefore aftercare and affirmations and communication, whatever this I, okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna probably like piss somebody who's young off I give side eye when I see the word experienced paired with somebody who's only been legal for a couple of years. Yeah. Can you gain a lot of experience from 18 to 23? Absolutely.
And I have seen people do it. Yeah. Those people tend not to be the first one to tell you that they're experienced mm-hmm. , they're not usually bragging on their experience. Yeah. 'cause they'll be the first one to go. I know I'm a 20 something in a community where most people are like 40 plus. I don't feel experienced now, but I'm, here's seeing these actions, seeing this behavior. Mm-hmm. , I'm absolutely giving side eye to experienced air quote that very
heavily 23 year old dom. Yeah. Because now the fuck he's not, he knows the language and he knows how to try. To play and, and here, and here's what I'm, here's what I'm gonna tell you. Okay. Yeah. I, I agree with you. Uh, you know, as 23 to be for, for what that person is doing. That person is not experienced. Not experienced. I would say her at 18 more experienced is more experienced. And it. Don't tell us how la la la we don't wanna know. That was, that was before you were 18. We know. Yeah. .
And, and the, and that's the thing again, because regardless, you know, the books, the, the, the content is the blog, the content is out there. It's out there. Right. Okay. So, you know, they have an ability to assimilate that. Right. While they may not have the real life practical experience. Right. I I mean good for her too. You know, saying I'm a switch and, and I know what kind of dom I want to be. Right. Or I have an idea of what, you know. So.
It feels like the right thing to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, you know, at 18 she has more experience than him. But. But you know what? She would never call herself experience. That's the thing. Yeah. When I see a, quite frankly, and it's not always an age thing. I've seen people who were 60 who have been in the lifestyle for five minutes, who were shitty, who tried to say they were experienced mm-hmm. , no, the fuck you're not, it's not really an age thing.
But when I see somebody who clearly has had to proclaim themselves experienced Yeah. For her to go, he's an experienced dom. Right. If you have to proclaim it, and that has to like, that's like your selling points. Yeah. I'm, I'm gonna give you side eye. And when you are in your early twenties and you have to proclaim it, I'm gonna give you side eye because quite frankly, the people with the most experience will be the will not be,
that's not what they lead with. They might say, well, I've been in the lifestyle for 10 years, here's what I've learned. But they'll also go, but I don't know everything. Right. Yeah. And every young person in kink I've ever come across, and that's not every young person obviously, but everyone I've come across it almost like you have to tell them to own their experience. Like, you've done this for five years. Yeah. You're experienced,
you're more experienced in this 40 year old over here. Right. But when they like, mm. Yeah. If we're self-describing that way, I'm probably gonna go, okay, I'm gonna need you to prove that I'm, to be fair. Mm-hmm. , I'm gonna be like that with anybody. Sure. Because the best, most responsible sters I know only tell you how experienced they are. When you ask them like, how long you been doing this? Then they, that's not how they lead with. Yeah. Like, I know what I'm doing.
I've been this way the whole time. Like, fuck you. No, you haven't. Um, but yeah. Yeah. In this situation, being able to know all of these details, I'm the side eye to the experienced 23 year old. Yeah. Dom, no the fuck you're not right. No the fuck you're not. Mm-hmm. . I agree. No, I agree. You know, some of the right words, you know, some of the techniques, but Yeah. You're making up rules are no, granted, there's no age on that. I've seen, you know mm-hmm. ,
older people do this when they're shitty. Right. You're making up rules that have not been discussed. You're not doing any aftercare. You're get barely communicating. You've gone to ignoring it. Oh, now you've learned a lesson, but you've not communicated about what that lesson was and how we learned it and how did we get here. Mm-hmm. You're not actually responding to the feelings of this other person, even though you're trying to act like you've got this connection.
You're gonna be their dom. Well, guess what that comes with? You have big feelings. We're gonna have to talk about this. Mm-hmm. Oh, I just made sure you were okay. And I jumped right into a scene, but I wasn't fully committed to that scene. So I left you literally fucking hanging in the middle of a fucking scene for several minutes at a time. No, no, no. Throw the whole fucker out. . No, no set. Okay. Anything else you would like to add?
You're afraid to Now it might start another, another ramp up for me. Yeah. . Yeah. You know, it's always when I go, I dunno if any of these will make me rant. There's always the one, there's always one. Um, . Okay. So that is it for mm-hmm. , our B D S M, uh, Reddit reactions. Uh, I will link to the subreddits, uh, in the places. Um, I might be careful with the YouTube linking 'cause they get weird sometimes. Yeah. Um, I I'm begging you to use the B D S M. Am I the asshole, uh, subreddit.
Not just because RA's our friend and we wanna support her, but because I love answering those. Yeah. Because those are sometimes like dilemmas of Oh, are you the asshole? I don't actually know. Um, , those are fun. So we, we need more of this. Um, but um, yeah, that's it for this. Mm-hmm. , do we wanna do a very short bonus section? Yeah. There's not much. It's, we're time traveling here. Mm-hmm. , we just did an episode a couple days ago. Yeah. Not much to report,
but we will mm-hmm. . Um, so yeah, that's, that's it for us this week. So are we good? I dunno. I dunno. Keep it kinky. And in a weird way, we will kind of see you next week I think. Can I talk with the crickets daddy? Yes. Thank you Daddy. You go ahead and talk. Oh. Shit. I'll be right back. Shit. I was gonna say, I got nothing. , you better have something because you're walking away from the microphone. You always had something. Eh, I'm burning up hot in this room, Lord. Okay.
So the day you, the first possible moment, you can see this JB is still out of town. Um, he, by the time this episode goes live, he'll be back, uh, three or four days from now. I don't know if we're live streaming that week. We, we talked about that before. Um, he's in New York dealing with family stuff. Um, and according to the weather forecast as of the day we're recording, which is Sunday, July 30th, um, supposedly he's having better weather than Florida is,
but I don't actually know 'cause we're time traveling. Um, today. What are we doing today? Sunday? Uh, you're smoking ribs on our grill and I'm making potato salad and macaroni and cheese and the 13 year old is eating a completely different meal from us. 'cause he does not eat any of those things. That's. What I just went to check on to make sure they were. Uh, but we found ribs, baby, back, ribs for a really good price at Aldi.
And we went Yeah. That's cheaper than like another cut of meat we would get for a different kind of meal. Right. So we're, let's do this. Going with it. Yep. And so that's what we get today. Mm-hmm. , um, we've been recording today for, for Patreon stuff. Um, we've gotta film a spicy scene first thing Monday morning, which is not our usual record day. We missed last week's record date. Right. Um, which I hate to do, but it happened. And so now we're.
It, you know, it it has been hectic at the time you hear all this. I will be in New York. I told them that already. You know, and, um, everything leading up to this has been preparing for me to go on that trip. Right. I, I, you know, we've been trying to record do as much ahead as, as we can mm-hmm. , um, you know, I have been working in, in the shop, uh, very pleased and happy with all the um, uh, custom orders that have received. Yes. Um, you know,
I'm trying to wrap them up before I leave. Um, you know, plus everything else. Uh, yesterday I was hanging a, a light in the laundry room. Yeah. That light has been dying on us since we moved in. Right. We just let it finally die. Diets last. And then we thought casting breath we could, 'cause we found a thing we could switch out the fluorescent lights for LEDs, but then the wiring was. Using the same fixtures and wasn't. Gonna work and.
And, and I could not get the wiring to work. Right. And, and I was just. Like, and then we made another trip to Lowe's. Yeah. . So it was one of those projects mm-hmm. . Um, but you know what, I had gotten so used to not being able to turn the laundry light on and using like one of your It was Ryobi lamps. Yeah. Yeah. have light in there that when I went into the laundry room, this room this morning, I was like, oh, that's right. I can turn the light on.
, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. You can use the switch again on the wall. . Um, today being Sunday and we, when we can, we try to sleep in a little bit on the weekends. Yeah. Um, Saturday we couldn't mm-hmm. , the 13 year old had, uh, a haircut scheduled for eight o'clock in the morning. He picked the time. And this is another child that likes to wake up that early, but I think I know what he did. He picked a time when nobody would be there. Right. When was smart kid.
Right. Um, and then he came home and I was like, did you get your hair cut? He got such a small trim that I could barely tell a difference. I know. But he's, Hey, he's happy with it. It's fine. And it still cost as much as a whole, I know. They take off a millimeter of hair here, $20. Mm-hmm. . Um, but you know what? He's prepped for school. Yeah. Um, but we had to get up early for that. So our day started really early and then today we actually got to sleep in. Yes. It was nice.
I know it was weird. Um, because you were up at eight. That's crazy late for us. Yeah. I woke up. Thank you. Hot flash. Uh, and then doze back off and then it was nine 15 when I opened my eyes again. Um. I probably would've stayed in bed a little bit longer if it wasn't for the fur baby. You know, it's funny, when I woke up around the time you woke up, I thought I was awake before you got outta bed. And I thought, man,
I should get up and let you sleep and I can feed the fur babies. Well then I, I really don't wanna get up now. . Right. . And then the hot flash hit and you got up and I was like, I just wanna lay here under the fan 'cause I'm so hot right now. Uh, and that's when I dozed back off. Um, and then to, and somehow yesterday was busy ish haircut appointment. Mm-hmm. light fixture. But today is the busiest. So 'cause we're recording left, right, and center.
Yeah. Um, so yeah, it's just not a typical weekend, but it's all in like the, we gotta get things done. Mm-hmm. , I'm trying to get the youngest prepared for school. Well, well ahead of the first day of school. Right. 'cause the closer you get to that, the worst every store on creation is. And then I get the luxury of a little bit of time. The oldest is, first day of school is August 10th for us. Uh, and as a reminder, it's because we get out at the end of May, uh, , that's how,
that's why we start early. 'cause we get, get done early. Um, he doesn't have to be in his new apartment until the 16th. So there's like a five day gap Right. Where people won't be necessarily scrambling for school stuff. Then I'm like, okay, you meet, we're going to Walmart now in the middle of the day while everybody's in school. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . So yeah,
I get to do that like in stages with him. But he, hi, the 18 year old's last, uh, day at his job is I think August 5th, which gives him about 10, 11 days before he moves. And he wanted that time to like just not have to do much. He's got plans to do other stuff, blah, blah, blah. Mm-hmm. . So I still have to corral him like, where are you going? Okay. But we still need to go to Walmart. What are you. Doing? I mean, rightfully so, you know, he, he wants to spend some time with friends and Right.
He's planning on getting a tattoo and the, the thing I've told him, he's been telling me he was wanted a tattoo since he was, I don't know, 11 or 12. Yeah. Like young. And I went, oh, I, I never was never gonna be that parent who like freaked out or whatever. I was like, you gotta be 18. You gotta be 18. And I think I said, you gotta pay for it. Um, and he, he's been saving his money for all kinds of things, but one of those things is a tattoo. Yeah. And so then I was like, let me,
let me give you some advice. You know, look at, see who's online, find the art styles that you like. Um, also, here's our air quote, this word heavily touristy area of where we live. Those places are good, but they're expensive. Yeah. So maybe look on the outskirts of town at good places. Like, you know. Yeah. I, I remember once years ago, I, I looked at a tattoo place in the mall mm-hmm. and uh, their prices shock the shit outta me.
Yeah. I mean we're an, we're old people so tattoo prices have gone up Yeah. Over time. Mm-hmm. . But there is absolutely a difference between your tourist area versus your not tourist area. 'cause my last tattoo that I got when I turned I guess 32, it is a very small one. It's solid black. Um, took 15, 20 minutes. Um, I found out later that what I paid was easily 25% more than I would've paid if I'd gone to a couple other places that were not in our tourist C-section. Yeah.
And I was like, ah, okay. I also got a very bo seemingly bored tattoo artist who was like, oh, okay. Uh, . So I was like, it was good for me to do, I'm glad I did it, but it was not like this experience. Yeah. Yeah. 'cause yeah, he, I don't know what he would rather have been doing, but something other than that. Um, but yeah, so we've had these conversations about, you know mm-hmm. , like here's the part of town where it will absolutely be more expensive because
they know they're also catering to tourists. Um, but if you like that person's art, then cool. Go. Yeah. Work with them. But just know you might be charged a premium. Um, and I don't have opinions on people charging more or less in whatever way. 'cause you know, your prices are your prices, but as a consumer and he's got a finite amount of money, it's like, okay, spend wisely. Um, yeah. So he's got plans, but we, and I know what he's gonna do. I'm gonna be like, okay,
let's start getting you packed up. Here's some boxes. And he's gonna go, you know what, I'll wait till what? Yeah. Five minutes before the, you get the U-Haul because we're renting a U-Haul cargo trailer. Um, and it'll be like a one way we'll drive it from here. We drive the hour to where he's gonna live and then we'll drop it off there so we don't have to drive it empty back home. Um, but I know him, he's literally gonna wait until I'm standing at his bedroom door going,
we want to put things in the trailer now. And then he'll go, okay, I'll put things in boxes and he's gonna make me wanna pinch his little head. Uh, , uh, I, you know, it's funny on in some things, I'm the exact same way. You have to, if you give me a deadline, I will wait until like right before that deadline and I'll meet the deadline. But I'm gonna wait. And in other things, I'm not like that.
I'm not like that with absolutely everything. Yeah. 'cause when we've, every time I've moved and you and I have moved, I'm packing up in stages way earlier. Yes. Like, I'm like really methodical about. That. All non-essentials get packed up ahead of time and. I create a system and then we work and a process and we work the plan. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. , um, other things. I'm not like that. I'm absolutely seat of my pants, but I just know this is gonna be a seat of his pants. Oh yeah.
I can just feel it. That's how he rolls, unfortunately. Yeah. That's with everything. With everything. Yes. Um, he has been cleaning out his room and getting rid of things. He, you know, some things were just trash and needed to be trashed and some things he's like given to his brother or said, Hey, let's add this to the donate pile or whatever. Mm-hmm. and you probably need to do that maybe one more time. 'cause don't move with one iota. More of what you need. Than what you need.
Just don't do it. Right. He's on the second floor and I don't think there's an elevator, so I'm gonna remind him, be careful of what you wanna bring. 'cause we gotta get it. Upstairs and then when you leave, it's gotta come downstairs. Right. I'm one, I'm thinking he's gonna, if he likes it there, he'll just renew that. Please. Probably. Yeah. And you know, he's, we already know he is not gonna be home in summers. I'm, you know, I'm already thinking about upcoming holidays. Are you? Mm-hmm.
gonna wanna come home for a couple of days. What do you wanna do? Blah, blah blah. Yeah. Um, all that's like well into the future, but of course I'm thinking about it now. . Have y'all met me? Um, Lola's good. Um mm-hmm. , we recorded our exclusive video for patrons and the YouTube membership members and she snored through the whole fucking thing. I don't know if the mic picked it up, but she did. She snored the whole time.
She's sleeping now. I see Onyx, um, by the window here in our office also on one of the, the shelves staring out the window. Ah. And no, she's cleaning herself. That's what. She's doing. Um, Ella has not cried. Mm-hmm. . I bet she's with a 13 year old. Probably he woke up when we started recording and she's probably sitting with him and that's the only reason we don't hear her crying. Mm-hmm. . So the fur babies are good. Yeah. Um, it's hot as.
It is. Fucking hell in here right now. I just, I just look 'cause I was curious. Um, we're in the low nineties. What's our heat index tap with the heat index of 107? Yeah. I remember when your heat index used to be like four or five degrees above your actual. No. Yeah. No, no. More than 10 usually. Yeah. Um, so that's us. Yeah. I don't know what we'll have for our next bonus section by the time we either go live again and or do this or we upload mm-hmm. The podcast and a video, um,
you'll definitely be back. Right. And there might be more to report. Yep. Um, but that's all we got for. Mm-hmm. Um, thanks for joining us. Yep. Um, am I not coming up with an emoji of the week? You're damn straight. 'cause my brain's just, it's, it's melted from this heat. I don't, I don't know. . Right. Send me any emoji. Send me your favorite emoji. There you go. Emoji of the week, your favorite emoji. Um, and yeah, so that's us and mm-hmm.
and we'll be back for, from y'all's perspective in a week. Yeah. I don't know what it'll be from our perspective. time travel is weird. Mm-hmm. . Okay. All right. Bye. Bye.