You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast, episode 420. 420. Kayla Lortz here with the 1, the only, the, are you covered in sawdust or resin dust? John Brownstone. Little above. Figure. Yeah. Very dusty. John Brownstone today. Mhmm. I mean, I like it when you're a dusty John Brownstone, but I like clean John Brownstone too. Right. I do clean up well. So You do. You do. But that's not what we're talking about this week.
This week, we're taking the easy way out, and we're responding to questions asked on the kinky side of Reddit. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday for your kinky pleasure and education. The show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on fat life at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and technically threads at loving d s and the number one. That handle I fucking hate, I almost forgot to say that, It's loving d s one, and I hate it. More on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. So it's not It comes under announcements, but it's really not.
Before we get into the Reddit stuff, we're gonna do a small little section on Black Friday deals based on, yes, our shops, of course. But also shops and or products we like. This is kind of a throwback to when we used to do our favorite sex toys of the year. But that was when we were reviewing a dozen or more sex toys a year, and we don't. We haven't done that. Now that I accidentally Instagrammed too close to the sun, people are reaching out more. So in 2025, maybe.
I don't know. Yeah. So we're gonna do that so that if anybody is looking to, save on any kink or sex toy products, let's not pay full price if we don't have to. Right. Okay. So let me get my list up. It's a fairly short list. Mhmm. So we'll start off with our own. The Kinkery is having a Black Friday sale. It's actually the best discount we've ever given. And normally, the only folk who get this discount are are Proud Crickets on Patreon. 25% off.
We're recording on Wednesday, and I'm hoping by Wednesday night, the sale is live. That's what I'm working towards. If you're on our, Kinkery email list, you'll get an email about it. It'll be on social media the day after the email goes out. I'll put it in the loving BDSM newsletter this week. Like, we'll try and let you know. Mhmm. But, yeah, Kinkery. I expanded the candle wax play candle colors. We've now added green.
It's not on the website as I'm speaking, but time travel, when the sale starts, it will be there. And it came out as a really pretty green. It's a dark green. And we'll have some other bits and things, and, we're doing holiday and winter themed diabolical 6. Yeah. It's it's exciting. Our Etsy shops are on sale because I should not be in charge of calendars. The loving BDSM Etsy shop and my book dreams Etsy shop book themed things.
Day of recording Wednesday, 25 percent off. JB's Wood Handmade Wood Items Shop, the 25% starts on Thursday because I can't be trusted with calendars. Okay? Uh-oh. So that's us. Now let's get into the fun stuff. Thank you, Teshu, for letting me know in the chat. Elegantly owned on Etsy, 25% off. If you're looking for a new collar, I am not wearing my collar today because y'all are lucky I'm wearing clothes at this point.
Yeah. But if you've ever seen my collar or a picture of my collar and thought that's pretty, that's who it's from Elegantly Owned. He he does some beautiful work. In case you does amazing work. So while there's a sale, take advantage of it. I will be linking all of these things in the places so you don't have to go look for it. Of course, this is the moment I've realized I did not link to Elegantly Owned. There we go. Sorry. I'll get that link
up. Okay. The first one on the list is a genuine favorite toy of yours for the year. Yeah. We just put out the video review that will be in the be loving BDSM newsletter on Friday. Fusey Fun Wave. Yep. And it's a surround sound prostate perineum penis toy. Like, all the bits? That's that's It covers all the bits. Covers all the bits. And then if you're having penetrative sex with a partner, they get some One one toy to rule them all. One
toy to rule them all. Yeah. And the the sale is actually a pretty good deal. It's normally 70 $5, and it's currently, like, $49. Wow. That's Yeah. Yep. So yeah. The if you're like this and this toy looks weird because it's one piece of silicone Mhmm. For, you know, back end to front end and just wraps around. Is it still in your top 3? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he says. So if you're like, what is this modern marvel, link to the stuff, and and go check it out.
The next one is my favorite toy of the year that got to try in 2024. The review is not up yet. It's also not recorded. I'm hoping to have that by the beginning of December. It's by WeVibe, and it's called the wand 2. It's essentially that big headed vibrator toy that I always like, the wand massager, in WeVibe with WeVibe technology. There you go. Technically, the app works with it. I don't I don't you I don't use the app. The I this is a toy that if you're using on yourself, you need a hand
on it. So I don't know what I would be doing with my phone in order for I'll hook up on the app and add in there. You will. I'm sure you will. So Lovehoney sent me the We Vibe toys. So I linked to Lovehoney because they're having a huge Black Friday sale too. But We Vibe has, like, all of some of our favorite toys. The We Vibe Chorus, still one of our favorite toys. Your We Vibe that you like, the Bond? The Bond and the Vector. And the Bond is prostate, and the no. Bond is,
ring? Cock ring, and Vector is prostate. Prostate. Yes. They have a panty one, the Melt, that's actually pretty good. I'm very about, panty vibrators. That one's a good one. So yeah. We'll also link to WeVibe. They are having sales as well. So far, none of these have been, affiliate links, but we do have a couple of affiliate links. I wanted to just because I follow them on Instagram and they keep putting out pretty things and we like the company. Mhmm. GoToMich
out of the UK Yeah. Is actually having a sale all November long. They have still do the silicone dildos that they've done forever and the silicone, masturbators, which, you like. They're called the offbeat. Yep. They also now do a ton of stuff with grinding. Yes. Oh my god. They've got some handheld. They've got some strap on. They could put it on a thigh. Put Yep. They're gorgeous. Mhmm. I don't do much grinding, not because I don't like it, but because I'm I'm a a routine
queen. And there's a way I do it, and I don't deviate often. That is an affiliate link. But, yeah, definitely go check them out in general. Mhmm. Especially if you want a beautiful, beautiful dildo. They do some Dildos are gorgeous. They they do some beautiful colors Mhmm. With their with their silicone. And I think they do some premade stuff now and still the the made to order where you pick your colors. But they're having a sale the entire month of November.
So, yeah, if you're looking for a good silicone dildo. The stockroom might be having a Black Friday sale. I went looking, and I'm like Didn't see anything. Wow. Are y'all doing what we're doing in panic planning on Wednesday? I don't know. I will always like the stock room Yeah. Because their BDSM stuff in general comes from really good, brands. Mhmm. So if you've not checked them out before, feel free. They run sales
all the time. All the time. If I promoted every sale they email me about, y'all would be so tired of me. But they haven't sent anything about their Black Friday sale. Podcast listeners, by the time you can even hear the sound of my voice, we're in Black Friday, so go click the link. That is an affiliate link too. Anybody who's confused affiliate links, you if you make a purchase using that link, we get a small commission. There we go. But I like to disclose them because some
people have feelings about affiliate links. We are not paid to promote any of these. Not even the Fousey Fund or the WeVibe Wand. We did it in exchange. Because every time I've tried to charge for a review because it's more common, I feel like I can't say what I wanna say. So I just went, no. Fuck it. Just give me the product. Do not pay me. I can't do it. Right. Shevibe is another online store for sex toys that we like. Their Black Friday sale is going on right now.
They have they have all kinds of stuff. Their wand vibrator selection's really, really good. But on the front page of their site, they have some monster dildos. Like, dildos based on oh, and there were some pretty ones. There were some pretty ones. So I always love recommending Shevibe. Electrostim. I got an email that as an email subscriber, I have early access to, so I don't know when it
officially starts. They're doing a sale Black Friday sale up to 50% off, and so some stuff will be under that 50%. That is where we got the electrostim axis, which is basically a tens unit Mhmm. And our electro paddle. Fucking love that paddle. I don't like the side that doesn't give the electric buzz. That's really stingy and painful, but I love the side where you do get to feel the elect electric plate. Buzzy buzz. Because it's like a buzz. It's a delightful
delightful. That is also an affiliate link. There is one for YouTube folks, that won't be good until Friday, but podcast listeners, the link will be in the places. Dom Sub Living, who we've partnered with several times over the past several years, They're discounting the replay of the Dom Sub Virtual Summit from earlier this year. So if you weren't able to get in on that and get access to all that content, we did a class on punishment and rewards. You can as of Friday, Black Friday, it'll be,
half off. It'll be $49 to get instant replay access to everything that was shared during the actual summit. So and that's an affiliate link. So, yeah, for general, I just wanna browse. Stockroom, She Vibe, LoveHoney. For specific stuff, silicone dildos, grinders, go to Mich, electroplay stuff, ElectroStim. Anything WeVibe with apps, the WeVibe, shop. FuzzyFun. I've I don't know if anybody else carries the Fuzzy fun wave, but the fuzzy fun dot com site does.
And if if, if the idea of a surround sound toy for anybody who happens to have a penis, intrigues you, I'll link to the review. Like I said, one one toy to rule them all. One toy to rule them all. And if you're looking for a collar, elegantly owned on Etsy. And then, of course, there's the kinkery. I I really hope I'm not sliding into a Black Friday sale on midnight. I just if we could do it before dinner, I'd be happy. There you go. Okay. That was my as rapid paste caffeine high favorite
products and shops for Black Friday. Don't pay full price if you don't have to. Keep going. So let's get into these. I basically picked stuff that I thought had a good chance of maybe getting me a little ranty. Which could be any of them. Right. So if I recall, I think all of these posts that I picked are a little maddening. You it's like some the either the person asking the question or the person involved with the person asking the question said or did something, or you're like, are you
fucking kidding me? And that was that was the vibe I was going for for this month's Reddit response. Let's go to the first one. Turned off by my boyfriend's BDSM pictures. So I've been with my boyfriend in a long distance relationship for 4 months, and things are going perfect. Except we're both really kinky and submissive. In the beginning, we took the BDSM test, and he scored really high in being a rigor and a dom, but none of that turned out to be true once we met and had sex.
Also, during our sex talks, I took the initiative once and now he's acting really submissive towards me. When we met, he never initiated and even seemed afraid of towards me. When we met, he never initiated and even seemed afraid to go full force. I had to take the lead, and I hate that. I'm a sub who wants to be dominated badly. We didn't have sex often. We haven't really had any dirty talk in
over a month because of our schedules. And yesterday, I told him about how much I missed that and we should explore more together. Then he started to send me pictures and submissive poses and being gagged, and I was really turned off. I feel so fucking bad. He's perfect in every way, and being masochistic is really his thing, but also mine. I don't feel wound up seeing him tied up or begging for mercy. I don't think I can fulfill that dom role for him. He's perfect in every way except sexually.
Turns out he's more submissive than me. At least it seems like it. I'm a sex maniac. Okay. And it's quite important to me. And honestly, I don't know how to move forward without hurting him badly. I wanna see what our sex will be like during our 2nd meetup. But if you're a dom, that's naturally already in you, and that was nowhere to be found within him. My feelings have changed a bit towards him because I suddenly realized
we're not compatible at all. We both have the same fantasies, but 2 subs together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry. I think my attitude came out towards the end there. Sorry. Go ahead. What what what say you? They need a third to dom them. Somebody in the comments said the same. They can be together. Just need the need that 3rd person to, to dom them both. Assuming that they're open to it. Right. I had 2 things. 1 and I get why people do it.
They don't wanna sound like they're bad talking somebody or they say they feel like they have all these other good qualities. There's just a thing missing. Stop saying somebody's perfect and then listing all the things you don't like about them. Right. Yeah. Yeah. They are not perfect for you if that's like. If that's the case. Yeah. And I get why people say that. They're perfect, except then are they perfect?
Now, one, perfection doesn't exist, but 2, he's amazing except here are these things I hate about him. Like, what? It's it's an incompatibility. Of course, it is. So then you just have to decide. Do you wanna invite a a Dom in? Who's like, sure. I'll take on both. Or do you wanna go your separate ways and and need to find your
person? Right. Exactly. The the two things, though, that stood out to me, it starts at the top where, they say when they took the BDSM test in the beginning and his came out, he was a rigger and a dom. Mhmm. All I wondered, and we we are not hearing from the boyfriend, so can't ever know, is did did he answer the questions honestly, or did he answer them as he thought he thought he was expected to answer them? And then started exploring and went, oh, wait. Yeah.
Yeah. No. No. No. No. No. I'm actually doing something else here. And the other part because the question itself, it's a simple thing. Yeah. Did you find a third or go your separate ways. The part that made me go, oh, it was, but if you're a dom, that's naturally already in you. It can be for many. For some, it can. Yeah. But it can also be a learned thing Yes. If you want to learn. The the thing about being a dom is
not that it's naturally in you. It's that you have to some part of it has to intrigue you enough that you want to explore it. Oh, yeah. But yeah. The I was like, okay. Okay. Okay. I I feel for this person having this issue. You meet a person that you think think you're great with. You think you're compatible. You find out you're not. That's a basic one. But this whole you're just it's supposed to naturally be you. And if you're not it Yeah. I I just wanted go, no. That's not true.
Yeah. That, you know, that that to me, sometimes when, you know, they say, oh, you know, you you have to be a natural at it. Otherwise, you're not, you know, real. You know, that's right up there with one way one true wayism.
Yes. Absolutely. And, you know, I get I get where the thinking comes from because any little bit of media you're getting, about kink, whether it's books you read or porn or even the few movies that it kinda shows up in, you tend to see dom or sub as if they were kind of always this way, but something brought it out in them, whether it's their trauma or whether it's, you know, I I don't get to be the boss at work, so I wanna be the boss, you know, in the bedroom or
whatever, like, whatever tropes they're using. But it is just a trope. It's not Yeah. You know, some people will fit that, but others won't. And I think the the concern I have is how invalidating it can be for people who are like, well, I don't feel this naturally, but I am curious and I am learning this that that I am capable of this and that I enjoy this Yeah. To then be told that maybe they're not really air quote that.
I I mean, you know, don't get it wrong, there are people who are because I I I look at, you know, being being a big d, you're you're a leader. Okay? And, you know, there are people who, yes, are natural leaders. Absolutely. Okay? And and there are others who have that grain in them and, you know, they can
they can learn. Mhmm. Mhmm. And some people don't realize, whether through life circumstances, gender roles, societal expectations based on wherever you grew up and however you grew up, whatever it is. Some people don't even realize that they have it within them to take control or to to have the power or to lead in the way that a dominant can lead until they finally have have the opportunity to go figure out if that's something that they enjoy.
And I don't think any of those folk would or may some of those folk would not say that it came naturally to them because quite frankly, they had to set aside everything they'd been taught by the world True. To go, hey. I've got this within me. The other thing is natural leaders, we've talked about this. Submissives can be natural leaders. We just aren't always gonna be leading or our leadership Not always naturally gonna be the leaders. Yeah.
Right. And our leadership tends to look like service in some form or fashion. So, yeah, I just the stereotypes and the tropes and the cliches. Damn. Right? Also, if I seem to be speaking fast, blame it on all the coffee. Right. Right. Right. Okay. This one is asked am I the asshole, but they did not put it in the BDSM am I the asshole, subreddit run by our friend, Rara, and I wish people would use that one because I go there first.
And if there's not anything new or anything that looks interesting, I you know? Like so I found it here in BDSM advice, but here we go. Am I the asshole? Dom left to party during long distance denial play says I'm gaslighting him. Here's a too long didn't read. A new Dom told me to put a butt plug in for him long distance and then went out to party before wrapping up the scene or giving further instructions. I felt abandoned during play, which he says is gaslighting and gave him the ick. I
already don't like this guy. But here we go. Let's get into it. I, 29 female, have been dating someone 38 male for 3 weeks, and it was going extremely well. I have some sub kink experience mostly around impact, and he has been in formal DS relationships both sexual and lifestyle. So in addition to vanilla interests, we were also really aligned on him helping me grow and explore fuller submission in a safe way. After 3 weeks of dating, I left for a 2 week preplanned international vacation,
which I'm at the end of now. He and I have texted every day. And just 2 days ago, he told me he really sees me in his future, is so excited and happy that we're together, and would be ecstatic to see me when I got home. I completely reciprocated. The next day, I was souvenir shopping and popped into a sex shop. While there, he told me to purchase a butt plug and wear it for him on my way out, but that I was still not to come until I was with
him. That was previously agreed upon. The butt plug suggestion really took me by surprise, but I went along with it. After putting it in, I got really turned on and started texting him increasingly, frantically as I dropped into the subby role. The texting started strong on both sides, but over the next 30 to 60 minutes, he started replying less and less frequently and with less engaged responses, for an example, like, with just an emoji.
Eventually, I asked if he had gone out since it was Saturday night, and he seemed not to be paying attention to me. He said, indeed, I did. You can take the plug out when you get back to the hotel. I crashed immediately. All of the euphoria of playing with him went away when I realized he wasn't focused on the scene anymore and the wrap up felt dismissive. So I told him that I felt abandoned and foolish, which was also making me angry. He said, what?
I said I wish we had set up better expectations since this play was new to me and had made me feel really vulnerable, especially realizing that he wasn't engaged the way I was. He disagreed. In short, he said I should feel joyful that he was choosing to play with me at all while he was out living his life. I tried to explain that the experience had been emotional and intense for me, and I'd wanted to share that with him, but he stopped replying. In the morning, he said I'd given him
the ick. I was guilting and gaslighting him, and that he no longer wanted to see me when I get back, like, ever again. I'm just reeling. This was my first time trying long distance play or denial play to this level. It was an exciting, but also scary experience, and he's made me feel like I completely fucked it up by wanting more of his attention. Am I the asshole? No. You didn't fuck it up. What what you did was you brought it to light what he really is. Yes. And you should be happy that he
doesn't want to see you Yes. When you get back. That's called dodging a bullet. Mhmm. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. So, yeah. Consider yourself lucky. Yeah. I mean, it the you're gonna feel like shit and that sucks, but yeah. But yeah. After 3 weeks, good to know. And, you know, it there it it may take some time, but there's gonna come a point that you're gonna look back and say, yeah. That was close. Yeah. Glad glad that one's
yes. I mean, is it possible to do long distance play while 1 or both of you are out living your life and just and for responses to get a little intermittent? Yeah. I personally would not recommend playing like that No. Unless you both know. Like Right. If he had said, hey. We're gonna do this, but I'm gonna be out at a party for a few hours Yeah. Just know that. Right? Or, you know, hey, if you're gonna be out while doing this shopping, like, you would give me long
distance play things. I'd be wearing a butt plug while I was out grocery shopping. Like, it was part of the point was to get to play while doing real life stuff. Mhmm. But there was also a conversation and an understanding about it. But also and I hope this person walks away with the hard one knowledge that it can be exciting to be given a task, air quote, that however you'd like, or a new sexual experience off the cuff.
But even if it sounds exciting in the moment, my recommendation would be until we can talk it out, I'm not buying I'll buy the butt plug, but I'm not putting it in me until we've talked about playing like this. What's expected? Yeah. Right. Because the having the the emotional and intense feelings and that that reaction, getting in that subby headspace that deeply, that's not that uncommon. Right. And, you know, when it's a new thing, especially
Mhmm. You know, not having some sort of contact or access to your Dom that you are anticipating that you would normally have Yeah. Without being told ahead of time Mhmm. That can fuck a person up. Also, that guy doesn't know what gaslighting means. Right. You know, and and I have to say, you know, in in you listening to this, but I can't talk.
You know, I think the one thing that she that this person may have been in air about, and then they admitted it in the in the in the thing, was, you know, not understanding it, not knowing the expectations. Right. You know, and, you know, give them a little bit of a Sure. You know, because they're they're kind of new, I think they said. Right. You know, so but the thing is, they learn something because they say, you know, should have been a little clear about this
in the beginning. Right. If this guy was as experienced and as good and as this and whatever else was promised Yeah. You know, in the previous 3 weeks, that that would've there would've been maybe a deeper discussion. There would've been some expectation management. There would've been something. I, you know, I wanna I want new people, kinksters of any kind, of any side of the slash, to think about these things before they happen to them so that you can go, hey. Can we talk about
this? But the fact of the matter is it's sometimes it's gonna come up and you're not gonna know and you're gonna it's gonna be a lesson you learn for the future. Yeah. And, you know, if this guy was supposed to be somebody who was teaching her how to be submissive in a safe way, well, he's already fucking Screwed that up. Yeah, up the test. Because he's like, oh, we haven't talked about this. I'm not here to help you. There certainly won't be any aftercare, but go do this thing
for me. Right. I mean, you know, that to me that, you know, priorities, you know, finish what you started kinda thing. Exactly. Exactly. But I I agree with you. Dodged a bullet there. Mhmm. Okay. Next one. My sub is getting clingy, and I need advice. I've, 28 female, had the same submissive, 28 male, for over a year with about a dozen sessions in that time frame. He's always been pretty behaved and knows my boundaries except over the weekend it changed.
My rules are don't touch me unless I say it's okay. He kept brushing his hands on me and I eventually had it and used bondage but it still didn't stop him. Usually at the end I let him finish and recently he's been interested in prostate play so I'm training his body. I made him go into his usual position and because he can't touch me he starts leaning so I'm kind of forced to show affection. Sex is not on the table. I know the risks of introducing that. I'm not a
mean dom. I'm trying to keep him from getting attached and any touch of affection gets him wired up. Anyway, he couldn't finish and kept begging that he wants to give me pleasure. I know exactly what that means and he wouldn't stop begging. None of this has showed up the entire time we started last year and I've only let him see my body once months ago to establish trust. I don't know what happened since our last session was in September.
He refuses another dom, and when the idea of having another joined, he stonewalled me for a week. His career makes it hard to introduce him to the community. Is he attached? How do I fix this? Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I honestly don't know what to violating boundaries. Right. Well, is he no. He is. Yeah. He is. Is he doing it because he's attached and clingy and and wants more from her than she's willing to give? Mhmm.
Somebody in the comments said this is one of the reasons I chose this one because I was like, wow. I don't know. Is he bratting? Does he know the rules, and is he breaking the rules? And that's not good bratting. That's not, like, consensual bratting. Don't recommend. But Mhmm. Is he flouting the rules in order to get Get
one. Something? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And just because I mean, she's not gonna know unless he tells her, but the thing I'm curious about is what has changed from all these sessions they've done in all this time where he's followed the rules and everything's been okay Yeah. And now he's like, I'm just curious because what is going on? Right. What caused things to change? And the only
one who knows Right. Is Yeah. I mean, the the question becomes, is it an is is the the relationship they've cultivated, is it worth it to her to go, I'm gonna talk about it. I'm gonna see what you you know, do I wanna keep this or attempt to keep this? And that's where conversation comes in. Yeah. I mean, they don't say, but the the feel I get from, you know, what, the way all this is is worded, it's almost like it's a a professional. I I got I've assumed it kind of
was. It was a pro situation. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Definitely something more casual and not meant to be the long term Long term. Yeah. Kind of, you know, relationship that way. You know, I I think in a way, I can understand them getting, you know, even after over over time Absolutely. Yeah. Kind of getting that little bit that connection, that deeper Yes. Connection? That would not surprise me at all. Mhmm. But what causes them to do a 180 on respecting the boundaries
and then not respecting them? Right. Right. Well, we don't get to know that part. That's not part of the question, but I'd love to know. Yeah. Yeah. I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that one. I mean, I think it comes down to a few things. Does she feel safe with him? Mhmm. If not, done. However that needs to end, that's, like, the appropriate way. Go for it. Mhmm. If it's if there's a curiosity to know what
the hell happened here Mhmm. You know, and or to correct behavior to get back on track, then, yeah, absolutely have a conversation. But that, you know, depends on how much she wants to maintain. Right. I mean, what what there what there is. I mean, you know, yeah. You know, they they need to sit down and she needs to see, you know, what what's going on. Right. You know, and and need
to have that talk. And, you know, then at that point, need to decide, well, you know, if you can respect these boundaries in terms of this Right. This this relationship, you know, we can move forward. If not, we have to, you know and I, you know Cut and run. Personally, I think it comes down to a vibe. If she's not feeling safe or she's there's something within her that goes, I don't even care and or I don't trust him to come back to maintaining boundaries, cut your losses, move on.
Yeah. But, you know, it's that's for me is one of those times anytime safety is a concern. I think this, but, you know, it's one of those times where you don't have to have a long drawn out conversation. You can literally go, look, dude. I had, like, 2 fucking roles. Yeah. Right. Not only did you not respect them, you repeatedly did it over a session. And, you know, somebody in the comments was like, maybe it's bratting, and I and I could see that,
but that Mhmm. To brat, if that is what they were doing, without the benefit of a conversation to force I mean, even the dom to react? Even even that, you know, because, you know, bratting in of itself is should be a consensual Absolutely. Absolutely. Both sides need to know what the fuck's happening. Needs to know what's going on, and, you know, like anything else, you know, with bratting, you know, you you need to know what the limits are. Right. You know? And and and yada yada yada.
And, you know, no. Even if that's the case, none of that was was established. The only thing I did not see in here and may I mean, my brain is fuzzy, so maybe it was in here, I somehow missed it. Was in the session, in my mind, she should have been like, instead of just using bondage to get his hands away, using position, it's just gone, no. Right. No. Right. We're not doing this. This is not okay. And that would be my question of why didn't
not to, like, blame a victim. I don't want it to come across that way, but for future reference, why why? Like, what stopped what held her back from just saying no? Was it a safety and fear situation? That tells me everything. Then this is done. If you didn't if you didn't even feel safe Yeah. If if someone doesn't feel safe, that definitely, that needs to But if it didn't come come to their mind that they could or should, then I'm like, okay. What happened there?
What was going on in your head Yeah. About just not telling them stop that. Back off. Yeah. Do not touch. Whatever. Whatever. And and again, you know, don't know for sure if this is like a a pro dumb situation. It it sounds like it. Yeah. That's how I read it. You know, my understanding, and I I honestly don't know for a fact, but, from, you know, seeing things online different, most of these prods, they usually have or, you know, when they do with a client,
they have other people around. Right. So that if there's a safety concern You know, so if there there's something that happens, you know, they're they're kind of covered, You know? And and again, we don't know if that's the case. It sounds like it to a certain extent, but, you know But even if it wasn't, the the thing I would tell her is, okay, in the future, no. Just say no. And quite frankly, the reaction to being told no will tell you a lot. That's all you
need to know right there. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah. Okay. Next one. Mhmm. Oh, this one. This one. Oh, okay. Partner doesn't want to tell me what she likes. She wants me to figure it out. Few months ago, I, 35 male, started dating someone, 28 female, who has introduced me to BDSM sex for the first time. I had no idea I would enjoy BDSM elements until now. Now I get it. She is also somewhat inexperienced as she hasn't had a partner that would indulge
her in what she wants. From what little I do know about BDSM, I know that communication is extremely important for many reasons. However, she is extremely resistant to talking about it matter of factly. She is always extremely vague to my questions and tells me to just do what I want. However, I don't just want to do what I want. I want to satisfy her as well, and more importantly, I don't wanna do something she doesn't actually want.
She told me there's nothing I could do that's totally off limits, but also said she would tell me if I did. I also had to insist very persistently to get her to choose a safe word, but she always avoids talking about it and says she just wants me to use her for whatever I want. All I can gather so far is that she enjoys playing, like sex toy servant, mild degradation, and is quite the brat.
I'm extremely confused because not only am I new, I don't know if I'm supposed to be a dom all the time or only in sessions, and I don't know more than a couple of specific things that really gets her off. Seems like she's shy about talking about it or really has a kink where she really does just want me to have my way with her and do what I want as if giving me hints beforehand would ruin it.
I wonder if she thinks that I have to ask or need guidance, then that if I have to ask or need guidance, then I'm not really dominating. Should I refuse to keep playing until we have a more in-depth discussion? How should I handle this? Yes. You should refuse to play it. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. You know, no. Oh my yum. That sounds like somebody who has only read, seen, heard fantasies Yeah. And wants to indulge the fantasy, but
does not have an understanding of Right. All the work that goes into actually trying to have the fantasy. You know, there there unfortunately, too, there there is a mindset, you know, and and it doesn't matter if it if it's in kink world or or non kink world. But, you know, there there are a lot of people in that have mindset. Well, they should know what I want. Oh,
I know. I see that. Yeah. I Instagrammed too close to the sun, and one of my reels popped off, and it's the you know, about communication. It's so many people are like, but I don't wanna have to tell you. Yeah. Well, bitch, how you're gonna get what you want? Right. You gotta say something. Mhmm. You know, none of us I don't I don't give a shit who you are. None of us are psychic. No. Alright? I'm not gonna know what the hell is going on in your head unless I ask
you. Right. Okay? So, you know, yeah. The he they definitely need to cut off play. Absolutely. And and, you know, the the whole figuring shit out, no. No. That's a landmine for both. Right. Because he could stumble into something that is traumatizing or just causes a pain she doesn't like or something. Or he could stumble into his own shit and be like, oh my god. This is horrifying. Yeah. You know? I didn't mean to
do this to another human being. I mean, they they need to sit down, have a talk, do a checklist at the very least. And so you can make a checklist sexy of her. Yeah. The thing is it doesn't feel sexy, and I've heard that before. It doesn't feel sexy. Or if I have to, oh, god. If I have to tell you what I want, then I'm only getting it because I told you I want it. Yes. That is how Yeah. Things work. That's how things kinda work. That's how life
generally works. Yeah. But that whole idea, it's you're not dominant if I have to tell you, oh, god. Oh, the oh, the toxic thinking about how to not communicate in relationships. And it is. That that can be very toxic thinking. You know, in in in any aspect of life, be, you you know, it it's it's not good.
So it's not. So the whole I don't wanna have to tell you, I just want you to figure it out or I just want you to know or makes me think of that idea of if I have to tell you and you do it because I want it, then you didn't do it because you wanted it. Yeah. Makes me think of the side of the the algorithm I tend to find myself on, the mental health therapy algorithm that will do the thing kind of have
those conversations about, well, I'd. If I have to tell you I want you to give me flowers and you give me flowers, then it's not meaningful because you only gave me flowers as the example because I told you to. And the other person goes, yeah, yeah. You told me there's a thing you want and I care about you so much that even though it's not a thing I thought of myself, I want to give you what you want because you being happy makes me happy. The same fucking principle applies.
Tell BDSM has the added layers of, like, inherent harm and risk and trauma, but it's like, if you tell me what you want Yeah. And I give you what you want, I'm doing it because giving you what you want makes me happy because you're happy and so I'm happy. Now there's a lot of other reasons. I mean, come on now. But it's and you know what? You know what? In my vanilla marriage and all my vanilla relationships,
I absolutely had those kinds of thoughts. But part of that, this is the toxic relationship stuff, wasn't because, you know, it it was because in other ways I was not feeling seen, heard, or cared for by that partner. Mhmm. And so I thought if I had to tell you what I wanted because he was never paying enough fucking attention anyway, then it had less meaning. I've now learned when you're in a grown up relationship, when everybody's acting like fucking adults and using their words,
that feeling is not there at all. I want to tell you because the the joy is you were gonna give me what I want. Yeah. It being kinky means you're gonna give it to me the way you wanna give it to me, but I'm still gonna have a good time. But also the other thing that this kind of attitude of I want you just to figure it out or there's nothing you could do that would be you know, that tells me you only know about, like, 4 or
5 moves. You can only conceive of 3 or 4 things that can happen in kink because you don't know yet enough to know how broad the umbrella of kink really is. We've talked about this before. I think it was on the Friday night munch. It's like, yeah, it can go from a light slap on the ass to needles, y'all. So and and even those needles don't have to be extreme in general, but some of us would consider that extreme because you see, it's a spectrum of shit that
can happen. And this person can only conceive of whatever has come up. You know, hold me down, handcuffs, spank my ass. And those things are fun and great. Mhmm. But there could be other things that he can think of, because now he's learning about BDSM. And he's like, well, I'm trying to do my homework here. Mhmm. Hey. I could, you know, make you choke on my cock until you vomit. Like, I wanna choke on a cock. I don't wanna vomit. My my limit is I'm stopping right before I vomit.
Yeah. If he just figures it out, she's gonna be vomiting on his cock and then going, okay. Not only am I traumatized, I don't wanna do that shit ever again. Like, what? What? What? I know. I know. I know. What? I know. And the thing is is if I sympathize with people who find it difficult to say the words because when we talk about communication, we talk about verbalizing, looking your partner dead in the face and
telling them the thing. That is not is not the only way to communicate what you what you want or don't want. No. Write it down. Voice or message something. Email, like, something. Now, I I will say Got myself hot. Sorry. There there there is a bit of a red flag in all this. Okay. Because he had to drag a a safe word. Yeah. That's a little scary. You know, that that's scary when when someone just can't, you know, give you a safe word. Alright? Or doesn't want to. Like, he really
doesn't want to. You know, I mean, that that's right up there with, you know, well, I don't play with a safe word. Fuck. You know? Yeah. So I it it's the same thing, but in reverse, so to speak. Yeah. Because But yeah. You know, to me that that is a red flag right there.
Well, and it's because it's one of those things again, you can't that person cannot conceive of how wrong it could go and also is doesn't know enough yet to know that their inability to tell their dom or top that it's gone too far can fuck with their dom or top and make that person never wanna fucking do that again either. Like, trauma can go both ways. Mhmm. I've gotten myself all hot and bothered. Yeah.
The other thing for anybody who would relate to to the girlfriend going, I don't wanna have to say it. I think part of it is the not knowing what you want, and that makes me think of our number one book recommendation of all fucking time, Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. Because there's an entire I think it's one, maybe more than one chapter on the idea of before you can communicate what you want with your partner, you gotta fucking figure out what you want.
And the author goes through different ways to do that. Mhmm. But that's also work and effort. And I'm not I'm not gonna shit on somebody who's like, I really don't wanna put the effort in because, look, plenty of points in my life where I'm like, I just don't wanna put the effort in. I like I I get that, but you I love that this person is like, I'm not doing this without knowing what the limits are and the boundaries are. That's
chef's kiss. Love it. The other thing is, it sounds like maybe, and I I kinda I hesitate to even say it because does this person even know what this is? They might want free use, but they have the fantasy in their head that they just go, do what you want. And that's the end of it. You can do free use. You can do consensual non consent. All of those things happen after you learn each other, you trust, you communicate. A whole lot. A whole lot of negotiation. Much communication and negotiation.
And that, again, that goes back to people are thinking of the fantasy, and they have no idea about all the work that goes in into it. To get to that fantasy. And how good it can be doing small little things that you actively have said, yes, I would like to do that. Yeah. Yes. That excites me and intrigues me. Me? Yeah. I made myself hot and sweaty on this one. You did. You did. That got that got the blood pressure up a little bit, I think, on you. Okay. Okay. Last
one. Okay. Does BDSM provide structure? Title is, innocent sounding. Let's get into this though. As the title suggests, does getting into BDSM provide structure to one's life? Reason behind this is due to a worry of mine, but I'm trying to be supportive of my partner's choice. The worry is that they wanna get into BDSM to provide structure in their life, specifically kinks that involve impact that will break you down on a mental level.
They want Adam to just break them and put them back together as a way to overcome personal issues in their life. I won't go oh, hold on. The there was a typo, and now I'm trying to decipher what they said. I don't know what they're trying to say, but the question is, is this really a healthy way or better yet a good reason to get into BDSM? I want to be supportive in this endeavor, but I just have my doubts if this is right or not. So I'm asking from those who are more knowledgeable to give me
their thoughts on the matter. So I want the fantasy because you don't know what it actually entails. Yeah. The b the dom to break me down, break me, however you wanna say it, to then build me back up to manage the stuff that I'm going through. And and that and that that's scary. You know? I I I Kink is therapeutic. It is not therapy. Yes. Thank you. Exactly. And and it sounds that, like, what this person may need Right. Is is some therapy, you know, and not to do it through BDSM.
No. Like, to be and this means something individual to anybody who could conceive it. Mhmm. To be broken down or broken by your dom can can be cathartic in ways. Mhmm. Not necessarily. There's no universal experience people have by that. That catharsis can help you get some emotion out that you were dealing with, can help clear your mind, can leave you so exhausted and boneless you don't can't think of the things going on. Yes. Yes.
Yes to all of that, But that is no replacement for, in the whatever ways are accessible to you, dealing with the things that are making you feel that way in the first place. I I mean, you know, the the whole thing, does BDSM provide structure? To a certain extent, yes, it does. Right. When I saw the question, I was like, well, yes. And I thought we were gonna talk about power exchange and the structure of Right. Exactly. That's that's not where we went.
It it it does. It it absolutely does, you know, in in a power in a power exchange sense, absolutely. You know, but what what they're talking about, I, you know, in a in a sense, there was a time could almost say that, you know, there were times when I broke you. Sure. You know, because you you you would come to me and, you know, I I I need to I need to cry. I need to let it out. My skin feels itchy. Yeah. My skin feels skin feels too tight. And and and spank you, you know,
till you cry. Mhmm. You know? And I don't know. Once you hit that point, then it stops and, you know, time to bring you back. But that was also a, a planned situation. It was and it was not the only way we interacted with Impact and kink. That was like, we had the fun stuff. We had the sexy stuff. We had the whatever stuff. And then Yeah. This was, like, slotted in of, I know that this will give me a catharsis, and that's what I'm seeking, not that it will fix my life. Right.
And and I was and I was just gonna caveat that with saying, you know, but we both know that is not going to fix anything. Right. Okay? You know, you still were talking to somebody Right. At the time,
you know. So yeah. No. And, you know, the the question brings up, you know, can you set up a situation in a relationship, negotiated, communicated, blah blah blah, blah, where there is a certain form of seining or contact with one another where the and it it can even be on a routine or a schedule or a, you know, whatever where because maintenance spankings are a thing. Right? You know you're gonna get this kind of whatever they mean by being broken down. Right?
You're gonna get this kind of interaction and in hopes that you get the catharsis or the whatever that you're you're seeking. Can people negotiate that and create that structure into their physical interactions with other? Abso fucking lutely. But personally, I would not recommend a person who's not into BDSM, knows nothing about BDSM, to be asked to to be asked to do that. Like, could you just hit me until I cry? Don't worry about learn about BDSM. I'm just asking you to do this thing for
me. Right? Or being asked to go become a dom, learn about being a dom specifically for this kind of play physical interaction. How I don't even wanna call it play when it's like that because that that's not playful and fun. That's like that's work. Right? Mhmm. 1, it negates everything that your partner who you're asking to be your dom who they are, what they might want, what they're gonna learn about BDSM
and themselves on this path. And it's setting up that partner to literally be a kink dispenser. And that's like the that's the most literal explanation of kink dispensing I've seen in a long time. So there's that. There's also assuming that doing this activity or one of a handful of activities that classifies as breaking you or breaking you down will work every time because there were a few times where I was like, yeah. I'd like to cry. I need this catharsis. I need this this therapy
space. I need to stop feeling anxious. And you coulda wailed on me for a few hours. My I was not having the response I was hoping I would get from that because I can't you can't control that. Control that. It's just like saying, well, you know, I wanna go into subspace every time. Yeah. You know, it it's not gonna happen every time. And you can't force
it. No. No. So not only is it not a an ethical or risk aware way to practice kink in general by just going break me every fucking time, and that's the only reason you should be doing kink. It's it's not gonna fix anything. It's not gonna can people use kink or dive into kink or explore kink based on shit they've gone through as as big and important as trauma to less of that. And and there have been some people who have. Absolutely. There's it's not that's not what's, air quote, wrong.
It's the setting this whole scenario up to, quote, fix somebody and asking their partner to just be a kink dispenser for them and only using it for that one thing without going to do the actual work. Like, there's it's I I think Could you imagine I'm I'm, you know, thinking about this and listening. I I could not even imagine being the the dom or the top for somebody like that, and you know, I I I I don't say this lightly at this point, you know, but God forbid something happens to that person.
Regardless if it's a direct thing of something that you are doing at the moment or just, you know, think of how that, you know, because BDSM is not gonna fix anything. It's not gonna make anything different or better. Mhmm. Okay. Not on its own. Not on its own. Not definitely not on its own. So, you know, God forbid something happens to that person. Imagine how that top would feel, that Dom would feel. Absolutely. There's a huge responsibility and weight
you're asking this person to bear. I'm gonna need you to do this kinky shit to me to to fix me. I'm gonna need you to do those work. Break me down and build me back up. Mhmm. I I I don't know if it's because I'm definitely submissive or if it's because I'm too literal of a thinker. I don't know. I have always struggled with I cannot conceive the picture my mind of breaking down to build up. Mhmm. I know people use it. I know people who experience it. There have been a lot of
people that use it. I don't see it as much anymore. Years ago, I used to see it as a lot. Mean the just the terminology. I mean, there are people who they would describe what they went through as being broken down and then built back up, right, by their dom, by their top. I know people have that experience. My brain cannot put a picture to what those words mean. Like, I'm like, what does breaking mean? Does breaking mean crying? Does breaking mean taking you
to the edge of your limit? And maybe it means all of that, and that's hard for me to conceive to. You know? What does it mean? And then how do they build you back up? Like, that's isn't that a skill? Are you built back up by their love and support, if that's the kind of relationship you have? Are you built back up because they put in the hard work of helping you
see yourself in a new light? That's a lot to fucking ask of somebody who isn't already your kink partner and you haven't already established this rapport and this relationship and whatever y'all are to one another in kink. Like, first of all, yeah, I'm I I my brain is what it is and I literally am like, what does that mean, though? Like, what does that look like? I need an example. But also if it is how I just described it by finally thinking about it out loud, that's a lot to ask for somebody.
Yeah. And it's it's can it be done ethically? Absolutely. Mhmm. This is an unethical request. I I mean, I, you know, I'm I have read things in in in the media, mainstream media, where, you know, they are looking at things that in some cases some cases BDSM in conjunction with therapy Mhmm. Has helped some people Absolutely. With with PTSD. Yes. I've seen that report too. In conjunction with therapy. Right. K. Not And and that's more about your personal experience
with BDSM. Mhmm. As dom or sub, with top or bottom, however you interact with it, not looking at your partner and going, I need you to be the one to fix me. Go learn all this. Bring it back and do this abstract thing of breaking me down and building me back up because the conversation would have to be, what the fuck do you mean? How do you want me to break it? What does breaking mean to you? And what does building up look like or feel like? Okay. Right. Yep.
Yeah. And it it kills me. Does BDSM provide structure? I don't I would not say the entire umbrella of it Mhmm. Necessarily. But if the question had been about power exchange, I've been like, oh my god. So much structure. In in in a power exchange, it absolutely can. Right. The whole thing can be structured. Built the right. You know, if it's built that way, that you that's how you want it. But yes, it's a good idea. Saw that title, I thought
that's where we were going. Going. And it it was it was going We total 1.80. We took a left somewhere. I I don't know what happened. You as I point right. Gosh. Don't ask me to follow a map. Mhmm. Okay. So that was the last one. I told you every one of them had some elements in it that make you go, what the fuck? Yeah. This was our what the fuck BDSM. Excuse me. Reddit Sorry, folks. Response slash reaction. But that was the last one. Okay. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.
Yeah. Somebody somebody just said in in chat, Kenny said, a relationship killer. You're in charge of how I feel. Oh, god. Oh, yeah. That's so problematic. That's so problematic. Like, short term, negotiated, in scene? Maybe. But even then, it's it's like subspace, and it's like drop. And it's like anything that is happening within our brain that we don't actually control. We can't control any of that. Yeah.
So, yeah, that was that was our pre Thanksgiving slash Black Friday, depending on when you're listening to this. Episode. Before we go on the bonus section, just a reminder, all the sales, all the sales companies we like, toys we like, our own shit. Links are in the places. Don't pay full price if you ain't gotta. There you go. Yeah. My heart rate's up. I know. Oh, that one. Is hot. That one kinda got me
going a little bit new. Sucked down all my coffee, and I am probably speaking even faster than I was at the top. Mhmm. So, About the life we chose. Are we good? I don't know. I don't know. Not for me to say. Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you next week. Toddy. Yes, baby girl. Can we talk to the Crickets? Yeah. Okay. That was the umpteenth time today where we said a thing we have said now for 420 fucking episodes. And in the middle of it, my brain went, wait. Are we saying this
right? Wait. Was that or is that the right word? In midstream, that is very frustrating because my my instinct is to stop and correct, but we're in it and there's a part of my brain going, no, no, no, you got it right. Keep going. I think my my little emotions sitting at the desk of my inside out brain, like, 4 of them are named panic. And one of them can't tell time, read a calendar, or know their left from their right. Speaking of inside out, you know that
they're making that into a a series. You know that's the 3rd time we've talked about this. No. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me for real? For real. I sent him a reel, Instagram reel, with a little preview doololly trailer like thing of the Inside Out show series. That's where I saw it. 2 days after I sent that, he says to me what you just heard. Did you know? They're making an Inside Out series show, whatever, whatever. And now, again, who is manning the control board in your brain?
It's short circuit. Okay. Somebody poured, spilled their coffee on it, didn't they? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, we we will talk a little bit about that after this because I I think I'm getting a handle on what is going on with all that with me. Is it the same reason, and you don't have to say anything, that you're you're juggling right now? No. Oh, okay. No. Nope. Whole different thing. A whole different thing. Okay. Okay. Okay. Alright. So, yeah. Podcast folks You have to. Can't see it.
I've I've been It's a little stress stress ball. Squeezy ball. Yeah. Because his, fidget spinner, we learned in a concert, is loud. Loud. Yep. Yeah. I I also have a fidget spinner that I play with. Why would I have either one of these? Mhmm. 1 week and 2 days ago Not that not that he's counting. 1 week and and and 2 days ago 9 days. I I put down set down my e cig. We call it his whoopie. My whoopie. Yeah. You would have to know a mister Mom eighties movie reference to know what that is.
But if you do, you're our people. Right. So, you know, I I started vaping years ago when I gave up my cigarette habit. And and I've vaped for many years now at this point. Mhmm. It was probably, what, about a year and a half ago, cut out the nicotine? And I didn't know. Y'all, I've been walking around here just not knowing he wasn't on nicotine. It was a flawless transition. She never knew. He never noticed. It was a flawless Never noticed. It was a flawless transition.
So, you know, and and I kept vaping even though it was, you know no nicotine, because I kind of I've always enjoyed even though my doctor always told me, you know, you need to quit smoking, stop smoking, but I've always enjoyed it. So I I came to a a point recently. It was, like, I I need to stop this. It it needs to stop. And, I set it down, and here I am. Now, what? We've also discovered so I I I from a I am no expert. I am no professional. But from, like, the psychology side of things,
because that's what fascinates me the most. Yeah. Everything I've seen makes total sense. He's had the physical experience of first smoking cigarettes then using his vape Mhmm. For literal decades. When did you actually smoke your first cigarette? How old were you? I was 11. Right. He's 60 3. It's Yeah. Literal decades. Right? So the habit is ingrained. So it all makes sense that he needs to keep his hands busy. I'm more surprised he's not sucking on Tic Tacs, but it you know, it's fine.
But here's what we've both learned is just how often he would because he would like it is his whoobie. He would comfort hold that damn bitch. I would just hold it in my hand. Just walk he will fall asleep with it in his hand, y'all. So he's used to having something in his hands, so he needs to keep his hands busy anytime his brain can get quiet. That includes when driving. Now I'm grateful he's not doing the fidget spinner while driving.
No. But he does the squeezy ball. But I I don't know if it's bumps in the road. I don't know if it's traffic. I don't know if it's just whoever's running the the switchboard in his brain, but he would almost drop his squeezy ball while driving. Because there are times when I have it in my hand, I'm not just squeezing it, I am flipping it, and I'm flipping it. And so when it nearly falls out of his hand while driving, he has the very natural reflex to wanna go look for it and
catch it and pick it up. And I'm like, could you just let it drop and I'll get it for you? I'd like to make it to our destination alive. Yeah. But we did also learn that the fidget spinner that he thought was quiet, the man who is hard of hearing and uses hearing aids, was telling us the volume of something. He's we're sitting in the kit, the oldest concert. The oldest concert. And it was in between songs or movements, but it got real quiet. Yeah.
And I stopped that shit dead. At the same time, my head got on top of her head. We're like, so glad this room is dark right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So squeezy ball it is. Squeezy ball it is. Yeah. And certain certain you know, while while I do like the the fidget spinner, yeah. And certain the, the squeezy ball is is gonna be it. It's the quietest. Yeah. But it's clearly not the safest while he's driving down the road. Oh my gosh.
But he did the putting down his vape the way he did quitting nicotine, which is he just did it and he didn't say anything to me. But he he started running around the house going to the youngest going, do you still have your old fidget spinner? John doesn't have a lot in his room, but basically, he tore up his room, couldn't find the old fidget spinner. I'm pretty sure I remember which box it went in for donations a year or so ago. He comes to me and goes, where are our squeezy balls?
We have our squeezy balls. Where are they? And I'm like, oh. And then, like, 2 days this, and he goes, oh, Amazon order. Can we get Fidget Spinners? I'm like, send me the link of the one you want. Okay. And all of this, all of this. And he's like frantic running around. And I'm like, I should ask, but he'll tell me, I guess. But what? But also my brain, I'd floated off like 30 seconds later. Anyway, I forgot we'd had the conversation.
And finally, he comes up to me and goes, you're probably wondering why I'm asking about probably wondering why I'm asking about fidget spinners and squeezy balls. And first, I had the moment of, wait. What? Oh, yeah. That's right. And then I went, oh, yeah. And that's when he told me. But that was quicker than me finding out he had quit nicotine. I'm I'm very happy for you. I'm proud of you. I'm gonna support you in whatever
way we can. Just please do not get us killed on the road because you dropped your squeezy ball. I will I will pick it up for you. Well It'll be a surface. I I I will say this. Alright? You know, yeah, I kind of but you know what I did not do? Both both times when that happened, my eyes never left that road. I don't care. I'm too anxious for that.
One of your hands, like, was no longer and you moved and it and then the act of moving, the steering wheel shifted just slightly, and that would that, like, half a degree of movement was too much for me. But I am also the person. Okay. So we were a very good niece and nephew in law. That makes me laugh. JB is the nephew in law to my aunt and uncle, and he is 2 to 3 years older than them. Sure. He's their nephew. I I
sure. We none of us mentioned that. Like, my mother does not refer to him as her son-in-law unless it's to make everybody uncomfortable because they're the same age. Age gap relationships are fascinating and uncomfortable. So my aunt and uncle needed help today to get their vehicle that needed to go into the body shop there and to pick up their rental car. Mhmm. And my uncle, for reasons, is not driving right now, and my aunt does not usually
drive. But she has been driving while my uncle is unable to drive. But my aunt has vision issues. Now they are better after multiple surgeries, but she has no peripheral vision. Like, it's a tunnel. I say I have no peripheral vision, but mostly because I'm really not paying attention. She is, like, shuttered. Like, she only can see straight. But she drives. They're adults. We've offered. They're gonna do what they wanna do. I can't make them do shit.
So because it was a 2 vehicle situation, she needed help. She thought that what would happen is my uncle would ride with John. John, I had to call you that earlier, and it slipped out. I would ride with JB in the vehicle to go to the place, and I would ride with my aunt. And I I'm not an assertive person in many situations with many people. I'm too much of a people pleaser. But my anxiety will sometimes take over and speak for me. And I said, oh, I'm not riding in the car if you're driving,
and it's just the 2 of us. I I will ride with you driving if I can sit in the back seat and not look at the road. But if you need navigation, I'm I'm not riding with you. Yeah. And I felt bad because I think I kinda hurt her feelings, but I was like, I am too anxious. I am already a really bad passenger. You don't want me to be anxious. And I and didn't say this to her. I remember how you drove when you did have your full sight.
It was terrifying. It was great to 8 year old me who thought it was really cool that we were racing the old people down the highway. Adult me is well aware of how bad that could go not doing it. I'm gonna stay with my comfort person. His name is JB. He can drive me anywhere. I just drive him crazy. And until he drops his squeezy ball, it scares the shit out of me. Well, you know, the thing I found funny about all this, you know, I've had no
problem helping helping them. No. No. I'm happy to wish we they would let us help them more. More. You know? Yeah. So that she was not driving around because there there there's some things that have been going on. I've been scratching my head, and, like, why are they doing that? But, anyway, you know, their their, at least, her plan for the morning was, very convoluted. Oh, it involved 3 vehicles. Yeah. And and going back to their house twice, I think.
That was my I added that convolution. She thought we were gonna take 3 vehicles to go well, 2 vehicles to go pick up 1, then it would be 3 vehicles to go drop off the 1. We were like, no. We don't Like, no. We're not gonna do that. No. No. But I think I did hurt her feelings because I was like, I I love you so much. If you're driving, I'm not riding. Not front seat, not
navigator. Because she would not have known how to get from where they picked up the rental to the body shop place without either following JB, which is what they did, or having somebody to navigate for her. And I was like, I can't I can't be forced to pay attention to the road while you're driving. If I can't sit in the back seat with my face in my phone, I can't do it. I'll let her in. So yeah. It meant for it made for a very early morning.
And I they they asked last week because it was an appointment thing with their insurance, and I was fascinated by that because I have the same insurance they have. And when we had an accident and needed, like, body work done or whatever, it was not an appointment thing. They were, like, wild west out there. Go find you a body shop. Yeah. But, they asked last week, but they said, oh, we might not need your help, but we'll
let you know. And when we didn't hear anything by, like, midday Tuesday, we were both like, oh, maybe they don't need our help. Because as I complained about in the butt rub section to the livestream, we are in Black Friday panic mode right now. And so we're like, okay. Maybe they won't need us Wednesday morning. They needed us Wednesday morning. So Tuesday evening, my aunt passed out
after dinner last night. Right. Right. And we are planners at this house, so that was that felt like cutting it close to us. So my my aunt's telling me what they need in the times, and I said I'm like, okay. Well, we're here to help and we can help. I was like, but and normally, when we all get together, it's like a 2 or 3 hour on top of whatever the time. I said, we will be moving with purpose on Wednesday because we have to get back home
to get stuff ready. And the nice thing is they know we work in, air quote, adult stuff. But as I explained to my aunt, do not ask what you do not want to know because you can't unknow if I tell you. So all I have to do is say Black Friday and everybody in the family gets it because everybody's worked retail at some point. So that they respected it. But they I think they thought we were joking because we did the drive through to get coffee.
We get back to their house. We never even we walked out of the garage to our car as they're trying to walk in. And they're like, oh, you don't wanna come in? We're like, nope. Yeah. Nope. We don't have time. We love you so much. We were glad to be able to help. But we got so much work to do. We gotta go. We gotta go. Yeah. So yeah. But, yeah, that was The last 2 nights, you you've been working late. I've been doing a candle
restock for Black Friday. Yep. Yep. Yep. And I don't I think I only said it in the butt rub for the the live stream, so podcast listeners, I'm adding a new color. Green wax play candles. Yeah. It's a pretty green too. Mhmm. Mhmm. Mhmm. But, yeah, last night, I made 60 candles. Mhmm. JB sent me a reel, which led to a purchase of my very first ever wax melter. And, see, serious candle makers would know about wax melters. I kind of knew about them, but I didn't know you could get them in, like,
small size. I thought you could only do, like, industrial. And I was like, I don't have room for industrial nor money. So I've got my very first wax melter, and I'm in love with it, but I keep also calling it it's wax melter. I keep saying Max Welter. I don't know how many times I've said Max Welter. I did think today that's a great name for a character. TV show, book, whatever whatever. If you're looking for the name for a character you're writing, go for it. Max Welter, I give it
to you for free. That, would be, what, Max Headroom's relative? Anyway, yeah. Yeah. So I think I I hurt I think I hurt my aunt's feelings. But, look, we arrived live to all the the destinations. It was great. It was great. I also learned that JB had not known of a shortcut to get from a certain point on the road to where the Starbucks is. I thought he had to take this long windy way. And he goes, I just learned about no. He said, we just learned about it the other
day. I went, there's no we here. I've known for literal years. Right? And I'm sitting there with all of, like, my what the fuck kind of energy this morning going, who am I? What is wrong with me? And I don't know if it was lack of sleep or if the hanger was creeping in. We did not eat breakfast till almost 10 o'clock. Yeah. If the hanger was starting to creep in, and I just didn't realize it. Because I was telling everybody what I thought.
And that's Yeah. I I usually reserve that energy for y'all. I don't usually do that to my family. It was bubbling over this morning. It was bubbling over. Yep. No. Yep. So anyway Mhmm. We're good. We're crazed. It it's the good kinda crazy. It's the kinda crazy we tell ourselves every year. We will be better prepared for this next year. We are never, in fact, better prepared for it. Never are. We never are. The plan, the goal is to not have to do work on Thursday for Thanksgiving. Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. Mhmm. But at this point, I don't know. It might still be midnight, and I'll be like, I need to take another picture. I gotta edit another picture. I gotta post another thing. Mhmm. So And I have just been making, making, making. I know. I know. And hopefully, people like what we make. Yep. That's the the ultimate, like, if you're a person who's makes a thing and sells it, that's like, oh my god. I've I've we've spent
time and money on this. Will anybody like this? Mhmm. And they can't all be winners y'all, and we've had some duds. Yep. So yeah. Mhmm. But we're gonna stop doing this now. Yeah. So we can go do that. We could we gotta go back to work. I'm also hot, so I need to get out of the warm clothes I put on because it was cold this morning. Florida cold, y'all. Florida cold. Not actual cold. Mhmm. The dog is good. She's been a menace
today. This weather that we've had where it's been actually chilly and very pleasant and even, dare I say, cold for Florida, she does not know how to act. No. She goes in and out more often. If I if she would use a doggy door, we'd open the dog, and she's not gonna use a doggy door. We've tried. In and out, in and out all damn day. Yeah. I'm like, girl, I just wanna sit for a minute. Mhmm. Cats are menaces as usual. Yep. So, yeah. Same same but a different guy. Yep. All is good.
So on that note, we're gonna Mhmm. We're gonna go. So thanks for being here with us. Yeah. Especially to the bitter end. Okay. That's all we got. Mhmm. Okay. Okay. Bye. Bye.