BDSM Q&A

You're listening to the loving BDSM podcast episode 3 22. Okay. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the, that joke was not that funny. You don't joke about that, John brownstone. Okay. geez. He joked that the 17 year old could be one of our patrons and we just might not even know it because the kid used the code word crickets to reference our podcast. I'm sure he hears when he's around. I. Know. I don't wanna think about it though. Thanks. So that was not a funny joke.

Hi, parenting is king stirs 1 0 1. Just assume they know and just grit your teeth. It's fine. Yeah. Anyway, that's not what we're here for today. This week. It's not, it's actually a Q and a episode. We are answering questions we received from, uh, that handle. I fucking hate over at Instagram and, uh, from the community tap on YouTube. And we might, we're not sure yet. We haven't decided we might take questions from the live. Chat. See how things go.

From the stream. We'll find out. Welcome to the loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week. Welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Friday for your kinky pleasure and education and show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can follow the show on Twitter at loving BDSM on Fe life at loving BDSM

PC on Instagram. At that handle, I will forever fucking hate loving DS and the number one. So it's at loving DS one. You. Gotta let go of all that angst. No, you gotta. No. My, my anger is righteous and burning and cathartic fucking hate that handle. Or you could follow us on YouTube at youtube.com/loving BDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast. Every Wednesday, all links are in the show notes. A big thanks is always to our kinky patrons over on Patreon,

including our newest peeps. Apparently our kid knows value. We're able to do this weird thing on the internet in large part because of y'all. And we're grateful to every fucking one of you. If you are not currently a kink patron and would like to become one and get access to extra content and a discord server, and help us do this thing that we do, you can do that. Just go to patreon.com/okay. The Lords that's patreon.com/kayla Lords, or use the link in the show notes. And away we go, okay.

Hello. Uh, before we get into answering the questions we received, um, one programming note, couple of programming notes. This program might get interrupted for a hot minute, uh, if and when our doorbell rings, cause mm-hmm, , we're waiting on, uh, a big truck to come pick up. Uh, some donatable items that we're giving to habitat for humanity, for them to do what, with what they will. And the only time they can come is between 12 and two. So we record at 12.

Um, my phone may ring. They may text. They may just knock on the door. We don't know. They might not come until 2 0 1, whatever. We don't know we're living on the edge over here. uh. . Two, uh, in, not this week, not next week, but the week after, what are the numbers of the days of that part of September? I don't know. We will be on a break. So we've got the Q and a, this week. We're gonna do a BDSM Reddit response next week, cuz we like to have fun.

And then the following week will have a week up. You on a break. I'll tell y'all next week. Don't worry. I'm like I'm just programming notes. Um, I think that's all I had and no, uh, actual announcements. Okay. Other than that. Look at me and uh, I'm gonna turn on the fan. Okay. So folks, if you hear a hum in the background, that's the fan trying to keep us cooling here. Yay. Cause it's still fricking summertime temperatures in Florida.

Even though everybody wants to say it is not summer anymore. Yeah. Um, we ask for questions over on Instagram at that handle. I fucking hate, um, . That is where we often ask for questions. So if you happen to be on Instagram, feel free to follow us there, loving DS and the number one at loving DS one. Um, and then you can get your questions. We also ask for questions on the community tab in YouTube.

We're gonna start in those two places, depending on how long it takes us to answer these questions and how we're feeling and whether or not our doorbell has rung yet. um, we may take questions from the live chat when, and if we do at that moment, we will explain how that will work. If anybody in the live chat asks questions while we're answering these questions, I guarantee you, we will not see them. We probably won't answer them. So if you are watching the live stream and you have a question,

write it down somewhere, hold on to it until we actually ask for them. Um, so let's start with, to go into my phone and find the questions. There we go. Let's start with these questions. Ah, first one, what was your first scene? Like? Were you nervous? So when, I don't know if they mean our individual first time ever seen or our first scene together. So let's answer both your very first scene. When was that? Um. And what was that like? And were you nervous. Both times? Yes, either or, uh,

first scene I ever had with somebody. Yes. I was very nervous. Um, first scene I had with you at dungeon. Scene, how do you, how do you define a scene? I define a scene anytime we got together, our very first time was in my. Townhouse. True. Yeah. Um, the first public scene with you. Oh sure. I was very nervous. For that. I was nervous. Um, I, in, in all actuality, I almost kind of chickened out. Yeah. You were a little hesitant. Yeah. I was the most hesitant at first. Right.

And you were very quick to reassure me. We did not have to play this first time at the dungeon. Right. Which is true always. And then I kind of like started, uh, uh, uh, uh, and I was like, and, and, and you, after seeing some of the things going on, you were like, I wanna do this. I know it's so funny because I'm not a voy at all. We've talked about that. Like I am the antithesis of a voy. Yeah. Please don't make me watch mm-hmm but if I have to end up watching

what ends up happening is I'm not turned on by what I'm seeing. I'm not like, Ooh, baby, let me lean in and get closer to the action. I'm like, no, no, no. I want to do this serious FOMO, like serious yeah. How I wanna do this too. So had you ever publicly seen before you and I? No. Okay. So let's consider a private scene where you were in a place, just you and a partner. Right. When was your first one? And what was that scene? Um. To the best of your recollection?

Probably about two years before I met you. Oh. Wow. Okay. And, um, yeah, I was nervous cause that was actually also the first time I actually, um, seemed with someone, right. You'd been mostly online long distance. Relationships, mostly online power experience, long distance now, you know, did kind of, um, do like, you know, a few little things here and there in green, but not.

The way you described it. It's your early days, the first, easily, 10 years of your kink experience was mostly power exchange though. Yeah. Yeah. Correct. And um, yeah, I was, I was nervous. Mm-hmm what made it go well was thankfully, excuse me, folks. Um, the person I was with at that time, they were very good about giving me feedback mm-hmm and what they wanted mm-hmm , which then made it easier for me to kind of get in the groove and get things going. Mm-hmm. what did you.

Actually do? Um, uh, they got their ass cropped. Okay. Okay. Big time. Okay. So it was, yeah, it was intense, but it was fairly simple. You basically mm-hmm that first time just using a crop. Yeah. So my very first scene ever private as well. It was, um, my first DS relationship. I am a little fuzzy on the details cuz I have a memory like a, um, I remember, I remember Flocker. And. A vibrator. Ah. So that was delightful. Um, yeah, that was delightful. I,

for a long time still had that vibrator. It was a behemoth. That was a huge black vibrator that oh yeah, it was. I remember that. Yeah. You remember that? Yeah. Yeah. Until it died mm-hmm had to say goodbye to it. Um, our first scene was the first time we met when you came to visit me. Yeah. Um, and it started, well, this is not anything I'd recommend to other people, but we did it and we survived to tell the tale. Uh, we had been texting,

I knew he was on his way. I texted him and said, when you get here, just opened the door. Like I gave, I made sure cuz I lived in a row of town home. So I was like, you'll know you're at the right one because this is what my car looks like. And this is my door and just come in, don't knock, just come in. And the reason was, is I was absolutely kneeling on the floor wearing just a button up shirt mm-hmm . And is when these crunchy knees could still do this in the thighs could still

handle, it was kneeling on the floor. Um, hands down, palms up eyes down waiting. That was the longest fucking weight of my life. Not just from anticipation, but also cuz the thighs were screaming. Um, and it started with a, uh, a spanking. Yeah. And uh, we said, I had to say for it, cuz you went way, way too hard, too fast. I. I was very enthusiastic. Yeah. And I was there for it until I was not. Yeah. Um,

and it was it's the, what started our week of fuckery. Um, our first scene in the dungeon together was mutually our first public scene. Right. I was nervous. I was nervous when we first got to the dungeon and I was uncertain of what to expect. Right. Then I saw people of all body shapes and types, like just taking off their clothes mm-hmm and having this amazing experience. And like I said, the FOMO was real. So it was like, I wanna do that. Um, we tried to go up to an, uh,

upstairs alcove. That was really the most private right there, but it was, uh, being used heavily by very beautiful people. Like these are like modelesque people just walking around naked. I was like, I wish I was a voer cuz I would watch you. But this actually just makes me deeply uncomfortable. I will leave now um, and we ended up going out onto the main floor, but in a corner there was a St Andrews cross to this day. Our top pick is usually gonna be a St.

Andrew's cross spanking bench is the second option. Mm-hmm um, and I don't know if we, if we now just gravitate to St. Andrew's crosses because of yes, we enjoy it. But it's the sentimentality of. That. Our first we go to. Yeah. Right. Or if we just really enjoy it, doesn't matter. Love it. Um, I'm in my collar, I'm in my cuffs. You've hooked me to, I think at all four points for that first one.

I don't remember the toys you used. I, I think the moment I took off my clothes, all I had on was a pair of panties, a thought mm-hmm um, and you hooked me in, I think I was already in some light level of subspace cuz I remember it and I don't remember it. Just the ambiance. Oh yeah. I was there like you hadn't even touched me yet. And I was there. I remember it being kind of serious for us now.

We're very playful when we seen, but we were very, a little bit stoic, a little bit like by the book and being very, very careful, but we definitely got into it and um, by the end of it, we actually had somebody who was super fun and super cute. A definite like baby girl, a switch baby girl she was also like hard ass him to holy shit. Uh, but she was in baby girl mode that night and she just kept commenting on our energy. The music was perfect.

It was the kind of music we like mm-hmm that angry, throbbing driving kind of music. Um, yeah. I, I was very nervous about getting started. Um, once. Yeah, I remember you being tentative. One once got going mm-hmm it was like everybody, every everything around us was gone. There was just us. Yeah. I was not even aware of it. Like I forgot that we were on the main floor. Right. I forgot that we were under lights.

I forgot that people could watch mm-hmm but then it was funny because I, at some point I must have understood that people could watch and, and the part of me that loves, that loves that was like, hell yeah. Uh, after that, that became the in future public scenes. That became kind of part of it. Like I would be mm-hmm there might be nobody sitting in the, the social area or anybody sitting there might not have had all been looking our

way, but I always played it up. Like they could be. So I was like, let me arch my back a little bit more. Let me, you know, whatever, whatever. But yeah, I, I remember you kind of going through the different toys that you had me lay out that's since the beginning, that's always been part of it. Uh, I lay out the toys based on whatever you tell me. Right? Um, een, I set the space and sort of wait for you and it's kind of the, there's the power aspect of it and control aspect.

There's also sort of the showmanship of it because you send me out there to go play claim to the spot. And I busy myself like the good little service subby that I am. And then I literally am waiting for you. And you, you are not by nature. Somebody who swaggers you, you've got , you are. A.

Humble king and we love that about you. But that those times when you know, you're basically taking the stage and you're walking across this public space and potentially either people could be watching you or you've literally interrupted your conversation and go, I'll be right back. I got something I gotta go do. It's not a swagger, but it could be. And there's a whole like attitude there and I fucking

love it. Um, I wish that for a while we went semi-regularly to mm-hmm um, at least one of the clubs before I moved here and we, it was sort of known, wait, they're probably gonna give us a bit of a show and people would stop to sometimes watch. They were like, what are these two? Yeah. Like what's the energy gonna be? We don't have that regularity anymore. So nobody but us gives a shit, which is fine. Even though my exhibition is hard as like, I wish somebody would give a shit.

And then my exhibition is hard as like, I don't need anybody to I'll just pretend I'll pretend I have an audience. Um, but yeah, that first time I, you, you did not come AC, excuse me. You did not come across as nervous. You did not come across as tentative. I only knew that you were a little hesitant in the very beginning cuz I know how

you are when we play at home. Yeah. And I, again, the it's been so many years now, the memory is not clear and fresh anymore, but I have a memory of kind of knowing when you went from my, is this right to, oh, I, I know where I am. I know what I'm doing now. Mm-hmm mm-hmm and that was a nice feeling. Yeah. Um, and yet to this day, public play continues to be like, I, I, that is something I actively miss. Yeah. I actively missed that. I wish we did more of it. Okay. Next question.

We took a long time to answer that one. Sorry. Uh, I feel like this is more of a throw their hands up in the air and ask this question. I don't think there's a real answer, but we can still talk about it. It says, why do middles have such a hard time finding information about what they are it, you know what I think it's one of those things where the stereotype of what it means to be a little is, is a stereotype and a cliche because there are lots of people who

most identify with that. So that takes up a lot of the conversation. I think there are people who are talking about being a middle mm-hmm . I don't think it's as popular because when somebody talks about little air quote, that because that's just a, a wide range that would then encompass middles as well. Most people gravitate towards the most obvious difference in change in shift, in behavior tone, activities, actions, whatever. And it's most stark for a lot of people on the younger

end of that little range. Whereas middles can be a stark difference, but not necessarily, sometimes somebody's acting in the way a middle might act and it's not immediately obvious or does not most often come with gear. That is a stark difference to what an adult aged mm-hmm you, you know, does that make sense?

Like I know I'm like completely fucking up how to talk about that, but people who have little space in whatever that might mean for them, like I don't age regress, I don't change the words I use. I don't have that part and not all littles do, but some definitely do. And then there are some toys and gear and clothing choices and all kinds of things that when somebody is a little in the, like I said, in the younger end of that spectrum, it's very obvious.

That might be less obvious than middles. Um, but there are people talking about being a middle it's just not quite as popular and it is not always as easy to find and right. I, you sometimes have to Wade through a massive little group to find the five people who are like, actually. I'm, I, I, I think it's one of those things where you have to, you know, really search for the information. Um, I would bet dollars to donuts.

There are some middle groups on places like fed. Oh, for sure. For sure. Or, or any, any kind of, you know, social media place like that. Mm-hmm , you know, the cage, any of those there. And I think part of it is it's hard to search for middles because the broad search term is littles. Yeah. And littles encompasses all of it. Right.

Where you type into maybe a Google search or a fat search middles, you it's harder to find stuff mm-hmm maybe I do think more and more people are starting to talk about it because we're getting more and more nuanced about what it means to be a little, which age range people might fit into. Um, whether you can be a little and then reject all of the, the stereotype cliche stuff or, you know, whatever, whatever. Um, but I feel like that question was mostly just out of frustration. Wow. Yeah.

They are out there. Um, they're just sometimes harder to find, but I think, yeah, I think the. BS. So can you also find them. Oriented places, fat life, the cage. Yeah. Places like that are gonna be some discord servers I'm. Sure. Oh yeah. Yeah. Um, it's just a matter of getting, um, keyed into those mm-hmm and that's sometimes the hard part. Yep. Um, so I want to answer this question, but I don't completely understand this question because it is a situation where somebody is using acronyms.

I think with the assumption that everybody would know what every acronym means. and I only know what one of the acronyms means. So the question as written is tips on navigating feelings as a SM R sub in a relationship with an E N M Dom and the feelings are mutual. E M is ethical. No monogamy. I got that one. Okay. The SMR. I'm not a hundred percent sure what that means. Google was not my friend I believe we're talking about one. Partner's basically monogamous.

The other one is not. And navigating those feelings. Mm-hmm if somebody in the live chat and. It might be a serial monogamous relationship, maybe. Maybe, yeah. Maybe. But I, my sense was we're talking about monogamy versus non monogamy mm-hmm mm-hmm and the submissive is monogamous and the Dom is non monogamous and navigating your feelings. I'll I'll say this, cuz we call me Paul, uh, poly in, uh, or non monogamous in theory, not in practice. So essentially I live a monogamous life. Yeah.

Um, but not fully because I'm open to the, uh, idea of having other partners. So I don't, I'm not completely navigating the feelings that somebody who is fully monogamous mm-hmm might have that being said the way I have learned how to navigate my feelings in our particular situation is a few things. One, I own my feelings. I do not shame myself out of my feelings. I feel what I feel, right.

The lesson I've had to learn slowly over time, many years at this point is that even though I feel a thing in the moment, I do not always need to, nor should I make you a part of my feelings at the moment. I'm feeling them, the reason being, cuz I'm usually feeling the feelings while you're off doing something with another partner. And I purposely do not want to make

time that you're spending with another person about me to you. Um, now once you're home again, or once you're not in the middle and involved with that relationship in the moment in the present moment, then I can come talk to you. And I do tell you what I'm feeling. Absolutely. I. Don't hide them. No you don't, you, you don't hide your feelings and, and we do talk about them and we really don't stop talking about it until we work through it in some way. Right?

The, um, the other thing about that is that just because I have a not so great feeling about whether it's jealousy or insecurity or I don't like that, this messed up my routine. I have also made the decision because of the relationship we have. And I can only, I feel like I can only do this and get better at it. Each time something comes up it's because we have such a solid relationship. And that is, I don't expect you to change things, to make me feel better.

A lot of the times the feelings I'm having have are not about anybody but me. Right? I don't like the fact that our routine had to change. Uh, when you went away on a three day trip, well, I cannot like that. And that's just life. I can say that because you continue to be who you are in our relationship. You do not change how you treat me. You do not change your feelings for me. You are not toxic. You are not pitting one partner against another.

You don't mm-hmm to me outwardly, you don't compare us. I, I am, my, our relationship is a distinct thing from other relationships you have. Right? So that means that the feelings I'm having are really only about me. Now, sometimes there are feelings that crop up. This is why I don't hide my feelings from you. That are a moment where I've learned that a thing I thought I would be okay with in terms of a boundary. I am not okay with. Right.

So we have to talk about that because we may need to shift our boundaries. Mm-hmm um, like my one big boundary I have is I don't care who you're with or what you're doing with 'em or what the nature of your relationship is with them. Do not spring a new relationship on me out of nowhere. Right? Because the way my brain works is I immediately go, what else? Haven't you told me? I don't need to know all the inner workings. I'm not involved in the conversations.

Mm-hmm I don't know how you've set up your power exchange and I don't know what kinks you're involved in, but if you're talking to somebody, I, I wanna know. You just wanna know that, right. Simply because our lives are so intertwined that when you start talking to somebody, it absolutely takes your attention away. And if I don't know why your attention is being taken away again, then use yeah. My brain, the way I operate is like, why? Why?

Who, what? But the moment I know, I go, I know I'm good. Um, I did not know. I needed to know quite that quickly until the first time I didn't and it felt like something was sprung on me. Yeah. Um, but again, me realizing I need a new boundary for me and the relationship we have mm-hmm does not mean I'm going to bulldoze my way into whatever you're doing with another partner to go, hi,

I need this to be all about me right now. What I have learned again, because we are, are in a good relationship with one another and there's not other issues or red flags or things that need to be dealt with. What I have learned is the longer I can just sit with my feelings while you're off doing your thing, I can come to terms with them and I can start to get ideas of where they're actually coming from. Mm-hmm I'm not sad because you've gone off to be with somebody

else. I'm sad because I wish I could have gone off to be with somebody else. Yeah. I'm not jealous because I wish I was there. This, this was a few to, this was pre COVID. This is the realization I'm, I'm not, I'm not mad that you're with somebody else. I'm insecure. Cuz I worry. You'll like them better than me or they're more fun than me. That's a me problem. Not an external problem with something about the relationship or a boundary being violated.

So navigating the feelings from my perspective has been admitting. I'm fucking having them honestly communicating them with you at the right time, but also sitting with them long enough to kind of know what they really mean. Not that initial knee jerk reaction that makes it external when it's really a, a me thing again, that only works. If everything else in the relationship is solid.

Like if there're a red flags and bad behavior coming from a partner, who's like, no really I'm uh, dude ethical, no monogamy, but really they just cheat and they don't want you to do it too. And it's like a controlling thing and it's gross.

Like the that's much harder but when you're in a good place with the relationship and you want it to move forward and you want it to last and you're willing to engage in this kind of relationship, even if you yourself happen to be monogamous, then learning your timing on when to talk about your feelings and to really get into what your feelings mean. And not that initial knee jerk reaction makes a lot, a big difference, I think, but also just fucking own your emotions.

Don't there's a lot of times people will say things like, well, I shouldn't feel jealous because I'm non monogamous. Yeah. You can feel jealous. Jealousy is not an inherently bad thing. It's how we behave around jealousy. That can be a negative mm-hmm mm-hmm and it's usually a feeling that's trying to tell you something, something's lacking something. There's an insecurity you need to work on. Maybe there's a, a boundary you need to adjust with your partner.

There's something you need to feel a little bit more comfortable. Maybe it's some shit you gotta work through. Now that's from my perspective, as a submissive, in a similar kind of situation, do you have anything from the how to navigate these feelings from your perspective? Um. Well, you know, I, for me it's even when, when I'm with somebody or, you know, I'm off doing my own thing, I, I still maintain contact with you. Yeah. All right.

And I think that is very important, you know, it may not, oh, I'm sorry. My nose is itching. Yeah. Um, you know, I, I do my best to, to maintain contact with you. I, you know, say good morning to you at night. Make sure we say goodnight. You know, obviously if there's something that crops up, that's important. Sure. You know, I'm like, oh, okay. You know? Yeah. We need to talk, we need to deal with this, you know? And I'm not just like, it can wait till later. Right. Right.

You know, it's the knowing what's important from my perspective, I've gotta decide, is it really important enough to bother you with it? Or am I just attention seeking? Cuz I'm feeling insecure and uncomfortable and uh, over the years I've had to learn different. Mm-hmm. have you ever had strange feelings like unexpected feelings probably for you?

I can't think of any off the top of my head. I, I think the one thing I, I would have to say about any of this and, and you kind of mentioned it a little bit with, you know, with the boundaries. Um, when we first started down this path, so to speak, um, you know, we thought we were, uh, doing the right thing. We sat and talked about all this and you know, we, we, we talked about our boundaries and what they were and, and that,

and we thought, Ooh, we did the, we did the good thing. We talked about this, we set boundaries and, and, and we know what you know is, is gonna be, uh, first time I was with somebody that, um, blown to hell. Oh God. Yeah. cause the plan in our head just didn't could not possibly match.

Reality. So, you know, um, and, and I think what came out of that for us is that, you know, all, all these things, no matter how much you talk about it, um, no matter how much you think you have your bases covered, um, you need to remember that, uh, things are gonna have to be fluid. Yeah. Y you know, um. And cause you think, you know how you'll react and sometimes. Sometimes you don't. No, um. No, you react.

Very differently. The, the, the reality of how you react is different than what you think it may be. Mm-hmm so, you know, kind of, of keep in mind that, you know, you, you can do your best to, you know, lay the groundwork, which is important. Mm-hmm um, but be aware that at any given time, you need to be open enough to be fluid with that and, and talk and adjust.

Yeah. You have to you're, especially in the beginning when you kind of are figuring yourself out mm-hmm whether it's the beginning of a relationship or the beginning of venturing into ethical, no monogamy in some way. Right. I know some people get really annoyed when you add the ethical part, because it should be assumed. I get that. I'm still adjusting my language. So sometimes I say poly, sometimes I say open, so yeah. John know what I mean? Right. Um, yeah. I mean, where,

where we're at now is years in the making. Right. And even then, if mm-hmm anybody recalls the episode where we talked about this, I think it was in the bonus section. We ended up talking about this a little bit after all these years and the, the comfort and solidity of our relationship. Mm-hmm and I know who I am in this relationship. I still have moments where I'm like, uh, I'm freaking out a.

Little bit. Yeah. And, and what you have to remember, you know, me being in the position I am, because I'm, I'm in a, a, you know, a, almost nine year relationship with you and then whoever I'm with. So, you know, it, it's gotta be flexible to like, you know, oh, we need to adjust this here. Oh, we need to adjust this here. . Yeah. And you know, so I can't really, it's a, it's a lot of it's a lot sometimes. Right. And I think it's, it's one of those things where you. Have to be aware of.

That. Right. And you have to be honest about how you feel. I think too many people convince themselves that they can try opening up their relationship and being non monogamous either to save the relationship, to make the other person happy. Mm-hmm too many submissive things. That's, that's what they're supposed to do as a submissive. Fuck that shit. Yeah. No. And they try to do something that is not a thing they really want to be doing.

Well, you're going to find that a that's not gonna be anything you can genuinely adjust to. Um there's but there's also the I'm willing to try it. And then I find out that it's hard to do that does not mean you're not air quote this good at, or really, uh non-monogamous. It is challenging for people who go into it wholeheartedly. I did not go into it wholeheartedly. We had a threesome. I watched you make out with somebody. I felt conversion. And I went,

I love this feeling and I love that you are happy. Okay. Let's now set some boundaries and some ground rules. Right. Um, and we started from there and I actually learned in the middle of the threesome and in the middle of the weekend that we had with that person, a thing that I have to have to feel comfortable. And that's the, I need to know what's going on. And also in a threesome, I did not like feeling left out and being surprised by it. Right.

And we had to adjust that one on the fly mm-hmm um, but if you had asked me prior to that threesome, I had gone, no, I don't. I think I'm monogamous. Um, and I don't know, I just, there's a lot to navigate there. And I think the biggest part of it is just own your feelings. Like yeah. Like admit them to yourself, let yourself feel what you feel. Sometimes that means that you're gonna realize you're not really non monogamous.

Sometimes you're gonna just realize it's really fucking hard. Um, sometimes you're gonna realize that the feelings you have are really about you mm-hmm and sometimes they're about some bullshit. Your partner's pulling on you and that's, you know, right.

That's a whole other thing, but, you know, just because you are willing to do non monogamy and you're coming into it with, you know, enthusiastically even doesn't mean it's automatically easy, cuz we're all navigating the stuff from our past that we're we react to without even thinking the bad tapes. Mm-hmm mm-hmm I think I'm rambling now. So I'm gonna move on. Okay. Anyway, next question. If the opportunity was ever available, would you have a personal dedicated playroom for kink? Yes. Yes.

And it would be purple and black mm-hmm mostly purple. Um, yes. And we would never have to hide our toys or put them away, like in containers they would just live there, ready to play. When is, when is the oldest leaving for college? That room cannot become the playroom. Not until both of these children are gone. And even then we have to keep at least one room open so they can come visit me because that's why we bought this damn house. I'm just saying okay.

So that was easy. Yeah. Yes. uh, there would be a St. Andrews cross for certain. Yeah. There'd be a spanking bench bench. There would be really well thought out, laid out racks for everything you go on and hang on and be there. There would probably at this point be the thing that's the, that comes down. You put on the ceiling that you can do it. It's not for suspension. Literally. You just attach like your. Wrist to like, they, like, they used to have at the old club we, we went.

To yes. And I don't know what it's called. But I like, it's like a pulley. Just you mind your wrist and pull, pull your arms up over and then. You get a. 360 Degree tie it off. Yeah. Yeah. There would definitely be that. Oh yeah. Our backyard is not gonna be able to handle all the things we wanna do for it. So first of all, we have the little shed that you work out of that we wanna buy a bigger shed. The tiny. Shop. Yeah. For the tiny shop to get a, like a decent sized shop.

But we don't wanna get rid of the tiny shop. We wanna actually put like stuff in it then apparently we're gonna need another shed. for our playroom that we're gonna have to soundproof. So we don't scare the neighbors. Right. Or the wildlife. But yes, that would that. Yes. Okay. So now I'm gonna move on to questions that we got O over on the, uh, YouTube community tab. Okay. First question. Um, this one's actually kind of easy as well, just in a different direction, uh, question.

Do you think you can realistically vet for every situation that can impact your dynamic? No. No. It is impossible. It is impossible. You can try to think of some potential things and try to talk through them, but you'll never be able to vet for. Everything. What, what, what is that possibly happen? What is that saying? How does that saying go the best laid plans of mice and man. Something like that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then the other one that no battle plan survives contact with the enemy.

Like. Yes. I mean the reason you and I talk about this and a lot of other kinky people on the internet who decide to share their thoughts and knowledge and experiences, talk about things to consider is cuz we fucking went through it. We'd like you to be aware, you could go through it. Right. But we could talk nonstop for literal days and not touch on everything that you might go through. Like my imagination's not even good. Enough. Yeah. To come up with what you.

Might go through, you, you can, you can sit and plan to the end degree, which there is nothing wrong with that. No. I'm a big planner. I love me. Some planner, you know, plan away, but just, you know, be aware that somewhere along the way, there could very easily be a monkey wrench thrown into the gears. And you know, you have to adjust on the fly. You're gonna have to talk it through.

You're gonna go through an uncomfortable situation, a air quote, this cuz this is so subjective, a bad situation. You're gonna have something get completely Fu barred. You're gonna have something that you could not ever predict. And it doesn't mean you failed at your dynamic. You failed at the scene. It means that shit fucking happens. Right. And it's what you do when it happens. And afterwards that actually matters the most do. You? Murphy's law, Murphy's.

Law, right? Whatever can go wrong, go wrong, wrong. The, the key that matters is what did you do in the moment when something went wrong? Did you, um, stop when the safe word was used? Did you check in with your partner? Did you, you know, take care of yourself slash each other to make sure that your healthy whole safe right then it's what did you do afterwards? Did you talk about it or did you try to act like nothing went wrong? Did you accept any responsibility?

You may bear in this situation or did you try to deflect? Are you trying to learn from it so that you can hopefully avoid something like it in the future? Or are you gonna just ignore it and like that's the stuff that fucking matters.

So no, you cannot vet for every possible fucking situation. Um, I think that it is helpful to, to have community, whether it's a community like ours or it's your in-person community, or it's a discord server high shout out to those of you I know are out there, like all that, whatever your community is, that's where we go. That's why we say it's so important. One of the reasons that's where you learn what is could possibly happen good or

bad. So you maybe have the opportunity to think about it in advance, but even then never cuz shit fucking happens. Yeah. And it definitely happens in the middle of a kinky scene. It definitely happens when two or more people are trying to relate to one another on an emotional, uh, level like it's. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's not anything you, you cannot predict at all. No, but the more access you have to community where you can talk to other people or learn from other people, one, you tend to find out real quick that, uh, the things you're going through are probably more common than you realize. So the second thing you realize is you're not alone. And the third thing you realize is that you might have access to a wealth of knowledge information about how to potentially handle something like it in the

future. So yeah. Yeah. TA that sounded like a mini Ram, but I'm not mad at anybody. So I don't know. I was very impassioned okay. This one got me thinking. Uh, oh, okay. So, so they said, this is a gnarly one. That's causing me a headache and I can see why this says, I'm aware that my mental health has been massively impact impacted by everything that is COVID and more or less the last two years of lockdown and life on hold.

I'm reasonably sure I'm a masochist and totally certain I'm a bottom, but I'm very worried about seeking partners for S and M play because I cannot tell if my craving for certain sensations and interactions is a form of self-harm by proxy. Uh, my question is twofold. Uh, how can I tell if it is or isn't and two, uh, it, I'm completely honest, um, and upfront about my mental health, uh, with any potential play partner and we're both making informed decisions,

does it matter? So let's just go ahead and preface this. We're there for this question. We'll probably be some light mentions of things like self-harm, if you cannot handle that, I would say fast, uh, mute or fast forward or wherever, however you're listening or watching to get forward, like five to 10 minutes, cuz I totally understand if you can't. So first of all, oh, this is complicated and nuanced. Yeah. One, we are not experts, uh, on the mental health or physical, uh,

aspect of self-harm. So, uh, if you are working with, um, a therapist, it would be a lovely if they were kink aware, kink friendly is better kink aware like, or which one is it you want 'em kink aware or kink friendly.

You want 'em to not go what and you want to ideally not have to educate em about like kink is and I would say to me the answer is it's complicated because on the surface, when you think about what self harm can be or is, it is often not often, it is sometimes from my understanding used as a way to take control back at, in an uncontrollable world mm-hmm to make other feelings or

thoughts or whatever, kind of go away temporarily. Um, it, again, from my very limited understanding can absolutely be associated with feelings of shame. Um, if we weren't talking about what most of us probably understand as self-harm and we were just saying, you could also use those same words to talk about certain kinky acts. Why? Because you do them so that you can get a feeling to maybe drown out other

feelings in your head. You do it because you want to do it. I mean, sometimes I've, I've read things and met people who cannot articulate why they self-harm. They just know they want to do it. Well, I've also met people who cannot articulate why they like to be beat over the ass with a paddle until they cry. They just know they do. So there's nuance here that if you're not already working with a therapist and have access to a therapist, I would probably say start there.

That being said the key to, are you going out to do this as an act of self harm or as a consensual act of you want to feel those sensations comes in the form of how do you feel about it before, during and after, if it feels similar to how you feel when you engage in acts of self harm as a coping mechanism as a, uh, uh, uh, a there's a word I can't think of, but basically as an act of something connected to your mental health or lack thereof, um, if it's a similar feeling, I would be very,

very careful and look for, if you can, a kink aware, kink, friendly therapist, counselor who can help you navigate this. Mm-hmm if however, you have, you don't have similar types of feelings that you might have with self harm, you can and will stop because you know, you need to, or because it's the time to stop or your partner has chosen to stop or that's, what is the safest thing for you to do?

If it is a thing that when you're done leaves you with a net positive feeling, um, that does not trigger other aspects of mental illness or emotional things or whatever, you're probably fine. Mm-hmm um, the other thing I would say is if you're worried about partners, that's where your vetting process and trust comes in and becomes super important. It comes in handy. And it's very, very important because you need a partner that you can trust to check in with you to stop.

If they're uncomfortable to stop. When you say stop and ideally long term, if you're really concerned about mm-hmm , am I using this as a substitute for a self-harm or not? And that, and is that a problem for me that I'm doing that mm-hmm, , you're gonna want a partner that you can have these honest conversations with because you're a team at that point. Mm-hmm you either in my mind would either have to take a step back from playing if you're not sure you can trust yourself to not take things

too far or to right. Whatever. And also you need a partner that maybe learns you well enough that they can spot signs that maybe you don't even know you're given. Off mm-hmm. So here's, here's what I want to would just like to add to that. Sure. Not, not that, you know, um, one, it was mentioned in the live chat about a book called Hertz, so good. Okay. And apparently there is a chapter in there devoted to self-harm versus masochism. I would like to read that book just.

In general. Me too. Um, the other thing I like to say, and, and you kind of touched on this, um, you know, I, I think bringing this up in negotiating the scene is important. Mm-hmm and, and here's my thoughts on it as a, as a top mm-hmm um, we have played together for a number of years now. Mm-hmm and I know there are times when you say to me, give me more. I can take whatever you, you can give me in the middle of a scene mm-hmm and I know you well enough to say, to, to make the,

the call in my head. Yeah. We, we can push this further mm-hmm and I think there is, you know, there, there is a, a lot of, um, discussion about when you negotiate a scene that during the scene, if a partner says, well, I want more do this. Give me more of that. Um, that, you know, you shouldn't do that. Mm-hmm and,

and I think this is a, a prime example of that. Mm-hmm , um, you know, if, if you know, somebody has, has a, a history of self harm, but they are a masochist that you negotiate the scene, even in the middle of the scene, that is not the time to, to change. Things. Are things up. Sure. And, and you stick to the mm-hmm to the heart of, of what has been negotiated and stay with that. Mm-hmm mm-hmm okay. That would be my feelings.

I and I, as a. Top. And I, I think so too, because there's the, depending on the closeness of the two people involved, like, is this a one off casual play, pick, play situation? Mm-hmm you care about the other person in the, in as much as you care about any other human being and their humanity and, you know, respecting them and all that. But when it comes to long term, this is somebody that I've gotten to know this we've formed some sort of

connection, and now we're playing long, you know, consistently. Yeah. In some way, I'm gonna care very deeply that I don't do something or ask you to do something that could cause you harm. You know what I mean? Right. Like, I'm not trying to ask you to go so hard. And so, and, and so rough that you walk away from that. And I think this is true. You should care about this in casual play, but I, the dynamic is different when it's a long-term relationship.

I think mm-hmm , I don't want you to walk away from that going, oh my God, did I just cause harm right. To somebody that I promised I would never cause harm to or whatever, whatever mm-hmm , mm-hmm that being said? I do think that it's a complicated, it's more complicated than it maybe sounds because not all. And I don't want, I don't wanna diminish the, the very real lived experiences of people who engage in self harm and the reasons behind that.

But there's also, from my limited understanding, some of the language I've heard used around self-harm is not that dissimilar to why you want somebody to beat your ass till it hurts. Right. Mm-hmm , it's right up there with BDSM is, can be therapeutic. It is not therapies. A lot of times we just do shit, cuz it feels good and it makes us happen. Mm-hmm and it's no deeper than that. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But sometimes I ask to be hurt, air quote, that cuz I'm not, there's no lasting damage, but I ask for physical pain that I will experience over and over and over again until I feel a release. Now I think the difference is is that it is not the only coping mechanism I have. I will absolutely play within, um, guardrails and have safety involved and consent involved, meaning right.

I will use a safe word. Um, I, even if I'm the one asking for this, um, sensation to be applied until I have whatever reaction I'm hoping for, I will absolutely stop at myself. I will keep my safety forefront in my mind. I will keep your safety forefront in my mind. Mm-hmm uh, I will respect the, um, the reality of you feeling like I, you can't go any further. I will not have a negative reaction because you stopped. I might be disappointed, but I won't, I won't spiral.

I won't feel outta control. I won't be resentful. Like I'm I, I won't do that cuz I will respect your boundaries as well. Mm-hmm and I know you're making those decisions with my best interest at heart. Right. And I also have that feeling of, I want to be safe it's I don't throw away all sense of safety. Yeah. Because I ask for this thing and I think if you are a person who has been on the side of self Harmon is now like, but wait, I want these sensations in this kinky manner.

That might be some of what you want to consider. Like, can you protect yourself in this moment? Can you allow somebody else to protect you in this moment? Um, can you do it in a way that there's all risk inherent in all BDSM? I don't care what you're doing, but can you either not engage in the riskiest behavior maybe because you know that that's probably not the best thing for you or can you set healthy limits, whatever that means.

That's subjective on the play that you do engage in. So as not to draw blood, not to create a open wound, not what, right? Like whatever it may be and have very strict parameters. Can you follow it in a way that you still get what you want out of it while keeping yourself mentally and physically and emotionally safe? That's where I would say to the second part of that question of does it even matter at that point? I don't think it matters.

I think if you're aware of yourself and you're aware of what your personal triggers are and what can take you from I'm doing this really lovely consensual thing that happens to be a painful sensation to the end that, oh shit, I'm engaging in self harm in a way that is very unhealthy for me. If you can keep that separate in your mind and you know where that line is or are willing to find out where that line is or willing to stop well short of that

line, then it doesn't matter. Um, I do think it might be in my opinion, better to form a bond with a partner that you feel comfortable explaining this stuff to, like we're not required to tell our entire personal medical history to every partner we have, but we do have to tell them the things they need to know to keep themselves and us safe, especially if they're the top and they're the ones that are gonna come at us

with whatever, implement, whatever, whatever. Right? Um, so in order to navigate that in a healthier manner for you, it might be important that you develop a strong enough relationship. Doesn't have to be loving sexual. You're not gonna have to get married to this person.

Like just has to be enough of a relationship and a trust situation where you can confide in them and you can feel confident that they care enough about you to give a shit that they will listen to those things and that they are worthy of being that person that you confide that into. That may take a lot longer to find that person and develop that relationship to get to the point where you can maybe go a little further in your play and until then you might wanna stay on the,

whatever your personal safe zone side needs need the line, so to speak. Yeah. Right, exactly. Right. Um, so it's complicated. Mm-hmm I think the fact that you are aware of these questions to ask us or yourself is the biggest first step. Right. And um, we'll say if in case this person is listening or watching kind, the book hurts so good. I've written it down. I wanna look it up. And as somebody said, there's a chapter specifically on this. Maybe that would help. Um, but I don't think there's a,

a single right answer either. No, I think it's very, uh, individualized mm-hmm mm-hmm okay. Da, da. And okay. One last question that was asked in advance, and then we'll decide if we'll take a couple questions from the live trap says, do we have any bucket list kinks that you're hoping to try at some point in life? Um, and then they have a second question of when we transition from long distance to living together, what changes happen to your relationship? The good and the bad.

Um, so do you have any bucket list, kinks suspension? I hope you find that lovely human being that will allow you to do that with them. and I will be the one consensually if they allow it and the venue does taking the pictures. It's fine. have a good time. um, bucket list kinks. I don't think in those terms, that was me sucking my teeth y'all podcast listeners. I'm so sorry. That was like an awful sound I just made or it turned somebody on everybody's

different. Um, I don't typically think in bucket list kinks. Um, when I think in terms of fantasies, they, I have not fantasized in a long time. Um, they tend to be very sexual with like a lot of power dynamics thrown in. So, um, group sex, lots of penises lots of MAs top masculinity, kind of that kind of energy. Yes, please.

But that's not a kink necessarily. Um, I, back in the day, when the old libido, let me think of these things, cuz of course my kinks are definitely tied to sex in a lot of ways for me.

So they it's all, it's all together for me. Um, I definitely have had the sort of fantasy of, um, the kind of public play where, and we've done a little bit on this on a very small scale where my bear ass and many doms and tops with impact play, you know, or being the center of a 10 I've read way too much, way too much. Kinka um, one of those situations, I don't know what the term is used for it cuz it's been a hundred million years since I even thought about it or read about it.

One of those situations where you have a submissive or a bottom in the center of something they're strapped to a table they're strapped across they're honest baggage, they, and then doms and tops just come up and within the boundaries, just do what they will. So there might be mm-hmm spanking. There might be pinching. There might be hitting with implements. There might be penetration mm-hmm there might be like that. That yeah. Oh. Yeah. My birthday is coming up .

Oh yeah. Uh it's it's still in fantasy realm, mostly cuz of my trust issues. Like do you know how hard you'd have to vet that list? I know that. I mean, why God the interview process cause it's not just the, are they safe? Do they take consent seriously? Do they have the skills? Like what's their background. I then have to do a vibe check on every fucking one of 'em. not just you doing a vibe check. I gotta just walk around and like stand there and go what's the vibe, you know. blindfold you.

That might be better. Your better. That would be the ultimate trust exercise. Yeah. And that's the kind of stuff that kind of in the realm of fantasy definitely turns me on. I worry that I'm way too anxious of an actual human being to ever allow it to happen. But I would like to, I would like to um, yeah, that would be if there's a bucket list kind of thing. It's it's group public mm-hmm, kind of, I'm like the submissive in the, at the bottom of a very toppy pile.

it's fine. Um, okay, so we have, and then the second question that they asked in, yes, it's always fine to, to double up there mm-hmm uh, when we transition from long distance to living together, what changes happened to your relationship? Good and bad. So we have talked about this in past yeah. Um, episodes and I will do my very best to remember, to actually link to those both on YouTube and in the show notes page, um,

where we go into a lot of detail, but I think it's safe to say that. Absolutely. Yes. A lot of things changed. Oh yeah. Um, yeah, a lot changed. Uh, definitely. It was nice having her there with, and you know, on the downside, I'm just gonna given quick cliffs note, um, because of being at that point, being up close and personal all day, every day um, RDS had basically grind to a halt. Yeah. Okay. I, there was a notification on my phone.

I was like, is it the habitat folks that it's not the habitat. Folks okay. So, you know, I mean, that kind of goes with anything, you know, there's good and there's bad pros and cons. So. It was definitely one of those situations where as another example, if we had plans, we thought we knew how this was gonna go. Yeah. And then the reality hits, but the reality hit is not because we didn't plan well, but because there are things you cannot plan for. Right.

And we've talked about this before, but just recap and yeah. Yes. We're repeating here. Y'all be okay if you don't like story repeaters. Um, first day we moved in our air conditioner went out, right. Um, then we had to buy all new furniture. Then we were just miserable. Then I was stressed out out because I was basically jobless for the first time in my adult life and having been the breadwinner of every household I'd been in

since I was 21. That was weird. . Mm. Um, and so there was a general freak out of, oh my God. I've just ripped up my whole life and moved it, uh, 440 miles south. And also this is not the picture ask let's go furniture shopping. Let's unpack our boxes that I envisioned. This is miserable because oh, apparently a little bit further south in Florida is like living on the fucking sun. And I don't like being hot. Yes. I'm a Florida girl, whatever. So there was the stress of that.

And then there was the stress of trying to implement too many changes into our power exchange. Yeah. Way too fast. And it, it all just created this massive cluster fuck of overwhelm. And we put a stop to the power exchange part for a few. Not that long, two, three weeks. Maybe, maybe we were supposed to have like one to two weeks of like carefree bliss, like no responsibilities. You had a week off from work. The kids were at their grandma MAs like it was supposed to be this. Oh.

And it was not, it was no. Oh, oh my God. We need a couch. Oh my God. It's so hot in here. Oh my God. This management company of this apartment complex sucks. Oh my God. Are there bugs in this apartment? Are there rats in this apartment? Oh my like all, all of it was too much. It was too much. Yeah. And if I, if we had to redo mm-hmm I would've been like, you know what? We're not even gonna talk about how our power exchange is gonna change.

We're just gonna get moved in an unpacked and get through that first . Um, but it also, it gave us the proof very early on that we know how to work through problems together that we can work through problems together. Cuz in long distance we had issues we ended up having to work through. But they're very specific to long distance relationships. Like you can't see somebody's face when they're saying something. So you might take their words outta context or you're reading the text of their

words. So you don't hear their tone. So that can be taken out of context or the timing issues of you were supposed to get off at five and we had a thing planned, but you didn't get out there till like some of those issues. They are still issues that not seeing one another for very long that's that is a legit issue.

But the problems you face when you live with somebody and you have to look at their face every moment of the day and you don't have your own private corner to go to and you no longer can have privacy, but you're basically together all the time. Those are different problems than you have when you're in a long distance relationship. Yeah. And the stressors of what life can be like just

living in a place and having a roof over your head. Um, we learned very quickly we can navigate those and that at the core of our relationship, regardless of the kink or the power exchange, we are solid together. And we typically most of the time are on the same page. What was a valuable lesson to learn? Did we, oh, did we have to learn it on the first two days? I don't think we should have had to learn it quite that quickly. No. No.

But we did. And it reiterated like if I had had any concerns, leftover concerns, uh, was this a good idea? That was van that vanished very quickly. Yeah, because we worked through issues that were coming up like fucking adults. We talked about it, we stayed calm. We didn't get all judgey, like things that we could have done based on previous relationships and how we learned to cope. And those relationships could have reared their head,

but we'd spent 18 months learning how to communicate very effectively. Yes. And then that translated into day to day life. And that was, that was, I think the, the thing I needed to kind of go that's right, this is real mm-hmm . And I said a hard thing in a very, very early days when we were supposed to be like in a honeymoon phase, I was like, I cannot do power exchange right now. I cannot do all these things. I can't, I'm not functioning.

And that was a difficult thing to say when service is your whole spiel in a relationship is like service is literally my love language. Please, please let me take care of you. That's what I do. Um, to say out loud, Hey, I know we, we moved in together so we could like do this in real time in person, but I, I need to not. And then the world didn't fall. Apart. No it didn't. And then we rebuilt it bigger, better, stronger, stronger. Exactly. Mm-hmm exactly. So exactly.

So those are all the questions we got in advance. Thank y'all. Thank you. Good questions. Um, as a reminder for anybody who's like, oh, but I didn't, we do these in a few different ways throughout the month. We, on the third, Friday of most months we do an evening live stream, uh, on YouTube here on YouTube. Uh, we take questions during that. Um, so that is always an option. And then we, every single month without fail, do a Q and a for our patrons on Patreon. So that is always an option.

If you are so inclined for a Patreon membership, you get other things too, but that's one of them. Um, so you might miss out on these that we do every couple of months, but there are other opportunities to ask your questions. And sometimes when I see a question come through, when I'm not asking for them and it's like intriguing enough, it becomes its own episode. See the previous two episodes. um, so, um, do you, are you willing to take like two to three questions?

Um, if they're fairly quick. Yes. Yeah. If, if we get one that's like a 10, 15 minute answer, we're gonna stop there. Um, so, um, let me tell you how this is gonna work for the YouTube live chat. If you would like to ask a question, um, you need to tag us so we can see it cause it lights up our name. Very, very bright. Um, ask your question. If it is a question that is so in depth and complicated that you need 85 million text things to, this is not the forum for it. Send me an email.

Uh, we'll try to help you at some point mm-hmm . Um, but otherwise, if it's kind of a basic question, just, oh, we got a question. Stop. That one doesn't count. We, yes, I will answer that. Um, what do you mean? It doesn't count if you spam the chat, we have moderators who are happy to put you in a corner. They're gonna get you. We let them, they're going get you. Uh, this is the first unofficial question, but I'll answer all people have time to type in their question. Mr.

Spock wants to know, are we doing a live hangout this month? Yes. Yes. That's the last thing we're doing before we go on our break, correct? Uh, we did that on purpose. We timed it that way on purpose. So Friday, September 16th, 9:30 PM. Easter mm-hmm we tend to stay around until midnight lately. They've gotten me to go longer and then I have winded my very adorable baby girl away to keep JB going longer. We take questions during those.

So yes, that is, that is coming. Um, so, um, and then this is an unofficial question, but it mentioned Patreons. I'll answer it to David asked about messaging on Patreon for questions. Uh, if you are a patron of hours, um, yes, that is a good place to message. Not for these, but that is how we take questions. Mm-hmm for our monthly Q and a in Patreon. And then I prioritize Patreon, DMS, um, because if help me pay my mortgage,

I will answer your question faster. if you don't so, um, but for this purpose right here, while we're still live and recording mm-hmm just asking live chat. Yeah. Um, I am waiting for the, the people who coming to pick up our donations to let me know they're on their way. Mm-hmm if they are indeed on their way. I hope so. So I'm very glad, so far. Knock on wood. You have not had to jump up and run to go. Me too. Me too. It's really a five minute thing. Once you get the garage door up. Sure.

They will load up their nice little truck and then they'll be gone. Mm-hmm and it's no big deal. Um, but yeah. What else? While we wait to see if there's any questions I'm gonna give it a couple more minutes. If we don't get questions, then we'll just wrap it up. It's okay. To not have questions. Yeah, it really is. It's we? I like to do this because I know that people from time to time have questions mm-hmm and I want to, and I know I'm not answering DMS. Um,

I don't, I don't look at Twitter, DMS. I almost never look at Instagram DMS. Um, I'm behind on looking at fat life DMS. My emails, Patreon, DM is top priority. Email is next, then fat life. Um, and I know people have questions. I, I don't, I have learned I'm not answering the questions. That's Googleable. I'm tired of somebody going, but what does BDSM mean? What is a power exchange relationship? I mean, those are fair questions, but us no. Nope. Those are questions.

I know that you could get decent answers and if you just Googled it, I'm not see. B what does B burgers? No, I don't know. I'm not, I'm not witty enough to come up with something. Mm-hmm. mm-hmm. mm-hmm, I'm not, I'm not, uh, the 17 year old clearly made themselves lunch and now I can smell it and it smells delicious and I'm hungry. yeah. Ben who I'm so glad to see you. Uh, again, um, is a snarky thing is a sassy thing, says a sassy person.

How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon? It's an unknowable unanswerable question. Yeah. We'll have to try it and see. It's one of those ones. No. . Is that how high does my blood sugar? Half to eyes . So. Mm. all. Right. Okay. DVY has a question. Mm-hmm what's our opinion on formality, for example, always calling a sub slave or any label when a command is made, do you two always use titles or the understanding of your place?

I think that means is enough. Um, the, my opinion on formality is that it is a personal choice, right? If it feels right for you and it makes you happy to do and it works with your power exchange, do it. Um, I like that we are a lot more, uh, informal. I can almost always tell how serious you are in a request, demand command when you tack on a baby girl to it. That's right. that's right. That's right. Yeah. I, I mean, you know,

it, it, it all depends what you want. Um, you know, there was a time, uh, high protocol was very important to me. Mm-hmm . Was it important to you because it felt right? Or because it was what you thought was how. Supposed to be. It felt right. And it was what I knew mm-hmm okay. At that time it was what I knew and understood. Mm-hmm so that's what I went with, you know, plus I was, but then. You met me. , you know, because then, um, too,

I was, you know, also influenced by the gore books at that time. Sure. So, you know, but, um, yeah. I, I mean, are there times I miss it? You sure, but I, I like what we have, you know, with the fun and the mm-hmm the, uh, never ending SAS and. You signed up for it. I've never hidden this from yep. That's true. Even when we tried a more formal setup, there was still some SAS sprinkled in. Oh yeah. And my first power exchange relationship, there was a, a certain hierarchy formality to it.

There was very much a heavy use of titles and, um, and labels. Um, and it was my first time and there was a, a definite, uh, sense of sub frenzy. So I didn't question it. I was like, I am getting to be this person that I am for the first time ever in a very official kind of way and negotiate his way. I'm here for however we're doing this. Mm-hmm what I know now about myself is that it would not have, it would never have worked long term to stay that serious.

And that formal, um, for me, because it looking at it now feels like I'm playing a part or inhabiting a role and role play is my anti king. Like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Um, I want to be who I am and have power exchange fit that I do not want to change who I am to fit power exchange. So, um, I tend to use your title, um, when I'm feeling my very baby girl list, self mm-hmm , um, or when I need you to know that I'm making the ask from a submissive place,

not your partner in life, kind of head space. Um, but if I had to be called by my title every moment of every day, when there was a command to be issued a request to be made or whatever, uh, it would lose its meaning for me. And it, I mean, cuz you don't call me by first of all, I don't like it when you call me by my actual name, but you don't call me, you know, by my name all the time. No don't either. I don't, you know,

we we're very informal. I know when I know, because I know you, the difference between a request that I can choose to say, no thank you to, or not, which I can do that with a power exchange. You kind of command too, of course. But I know the difference when you ask me for a thing that is fully my choice and not coming from a, a dumb place versus when you are, I don't need, I don't need the addition of my title to know that. Right.

And I think that for me, if I had to hear that all the time, it would, I would not enjoy that. And it would start to feel like a role that I'm almost like a suit I'm wearing and then I, it's not natural to who I am and then I'm gonna lose a lot of enjoyment out of it. I'm gonna lose a lot of the naturalness mm-hmm that is not true for other people and that's okay. Right. And some people need to hear the title to be in the head space. And I think,

think that's fine. I'm, mm-hmm, grateful that we do not have that now there are. And I also think for me, there are times when you'll pull out a term for me in just the right moment and it has a bigger impact. Oh yeah. Especially mid scene mm-hmm oh Lordy, there's a tone. There's a look, there's a word. And I'm like, I know who I am in this moment. Mm-hmm mm-hmm and I'm here for it now. Okay. Would I be like that with other people? Probably.

Cuz I feel like I'm old and set in my ways now mm-hmm but I don't know. Maybe with different people I'd have different experience. Yeah. Okay. Um, question from Maddie. Um, realistically do you think high, I think HP is high protocol can be maintained with everyday life jobs, families, et cetera. Uh, do you know of any couple who does it? I, I think it requires a very strong commitment to the, the rules in protocols and the, the understanding that each partner has of what the expectations are.

Those the word I want expectations. Yeah. Uh, do I think the vast majority of people can do it? No, I think they're mm-hmm like anything, there are people who can, but I think they're the exception, not the role. It's it's like anything else. I mean, there, there are, um, you know, couples who do maintain a, a, a master slave relationship mm-hmm um, you know, and. Like the micromanage. The micromanage type, you know, and, and it works for them.

It it's, it's what they want. If it's something that you really want, you find a way to make it work. Right. And I think also, I, I think there's a little bit of a, um, a reality check of, um, just because you're not following a specific structure 24 7 doesn't

mean it's not always there. What I mean by that is you may have a, uh, you may negotiate a very high protocol, power exchange that then when, you know, a child wakes you up in the middle of the night, mm-hmm , you don't follow it to the letter because it doesn't make sense for the situation. Right. That doesn't mean you're not high protocol.

It means that it has to be fluid to account. For reality, we consider ourselves 24, 7 DS and it's not because every moment of my day is dictated by our power exchange. It's because of how we relate to one another, every moment of every day. It's how we think about one another, every moment of every day. And I think to some extent, a high protocol relationship can probably function very much the same way maybe because there's, you know, the plumber or a small child standing in the kitchen.

I can't use these specific terms. I would normally use. It's a choice that some people make in a high protocol situation, but I can have the mindset, I can follow the activities, I can do other things. And I think you're still high protocol, even if it's not, you know, you're not following it every moment of every day.

And I think that there's, there's a bit of an all or nothing thinking sometimes with certain types of, with any dynamic, with certain types of dynamics, it's like saying to a little, well, you have to, you know, use your, your grown up voice and go have, you know, be at your job right now. Are, are you just no longer little, well, of course not. You know, you're, you're putting on a different persona, but inside you're still who you are. I think kind of to some extent relationship dynamics,

like high protocol can be that way as well. Um, but for, for people to maintain high protocol, like the, the rules and the expectations of their dynamic, regardless of, of what else in life is happening in the moment, I think that's extremely rare. I think there's people exist, but they're not the rule. They're the exception to the rule. Um, another, we got several coming in. Mm-hmm one last question. Let, make this a last step.

I know cuz you're doing that sigh thing in that Jo clench thing you do when you're done this one is from Madison. How have you dealt with drops in libido while still having a desire for kink? Play my daddy very much associates kink with sex. And I feel like I'm being selfish if I'm asking for impact without putting out.

So, um, for me while kink is very much a part of my sexual self mm-hmm we have dealt with this very directly because yeah, we barely have sex, but we're starting to make kink activity more of, uh, a priority without the sex. Correct. Um, uh, impact play is where I have learned that I can have a kink activity and it, I might maybe if I'm lucky maybe I might have a sexual feeling around it, but it won't lead to sex. It won't be about sex.

Um, it won't be erotic necessary sometimes it's just a very functional, like please hit me with something that would be great. We would both enjoy this. Um, and how we deal with it. I don't think we ever had a discussion about it. I think part of it is because of how we have, since the beginning of our relationship, how we've seen kink scenes sometimes led into sex,

right. But they didn't always lead into didn't always no. So we already have the experience of, we can have a kink scene and the end result does not have to be sex. There's gotta be a desire for that to try it. And then I think there's just an adjustment. It's just, it's not that you're incapable, somebody's incapable necessarily of doing it. It's that they're not used to it. And they have an association in their head that one leads to the other.

If they're willing and they have to be willing to just do impact play and not take it to whatever that next natural air quote that step might have been for you in your relationship, then you over time, train your brain to make a different association. Um, any guilt you might feel about, oh, we're doing this thing and it's not leading to the next thing. It usually led to that is a thing, thing to definitely work on that as that is a you thing.

As long as your partner's not actually trying to make you feel guilty, the way I got over sort of a little bit of that guilt again, we had already had enough years of experience where we didn't automatically a and then B right. Um, was to remind myself and ask you directly. So I got, I heard it from you. Are you getting anything out of this? Even though we're not having sex, are you enjoying yourself? That's all I need if you, yes. Right. If you're having a good time, just,

you know, wailing on my ass, then you're having a good time. Um, and I have to, I have to then let that be enough. I don't need to second guess. And, and I use my submissive mindset there. If my daddy says that this is what it is. And I say it isn't and counterman him. Am I being my most submissive self? No, he's told me what it is. I need to accept that. That's an outward thing. Sometimes you don't internally accept it. You go, you still question,

you still doubt. You still wonder, but from a power exchange, like just on a surface level power exchange, my daddy said, this is the way it is. So therefore this is the way it is to him. I'm not going to, um, negate that because he's the decider. He's the big D he said, he's having a good time. I have to accept that. And so that's the conver if you're not having that conversation with your partner, that's the conversation have, are they getting something out of it?

Are they getting the pleasure of do the impact? Are they getting a sense of connection? Are they just happy to be in the fucking room with you, with your ass hanging out in front of them? Sometimes that's enough and it's okay. That's enough. We, many of us have been conditioned culturally and societally that, um, when you do an intimate thing with a partner, if it doesn't lead to sex, there's a failure. We also,

culturally and societally have a very strict definition of what sex is. And I'm, there's a lot of people who are, who don't fit that definition of be like, no, no, no, I have sex. It just don't look like that. So teaching yourself to view these things differently can be very helpful in all, all kinds of places. Mm-hmm I am at this point, my libido is so fucking dried up. There's tumbleweeds. I don't care about whether I'm having sex or not. And I feel kind of,

I feel kind of Ugh about that. Cuz when I'm feeling my sexual self, I'm a highly sexual person. You'll be tired of me. Okay. What I miss is connection. And if I can get the connection through kink play and not have to think about sex, then I'm happy to do it that way. Right? Cause that's what I want. So how you deal with it is gonna be unique to you, but talk to your partner. If they're getting something from it, even if it's different than what they used to, then you gotta believe 'em.

If they tell you I'm enjoying myself and I wanna be doing this, uh, so you have to retrain yourself, um, and teach yourself and do the internal work to let go of the guilt. And then also we've all, most of us who, people who aren't already there need to learn and reteach ourselves that, um, the ultimate outcome of an intimate moment with a partner does not have to lead

to sex. And what the hell even is sex. Um, because it's not just penetration , you know, and many people know that, especially in the king community, but enough of us come into it with, with the old societal norms that that's what we were raised with. And so then when we don't meet those norms, you have that momentary, uh, am I doing this wrong kind of thing? And then libido being what it is, especially with long term heterosexual couples or seemingly heterosexual

couples. Like we put a huge value on that. Fuck that the value is in the connection between you. However you get to that connection. That's enough. And for me, I like it. When that connection is your bare hand on my bare ass, I'm very sad for two, two weeks in a row. We didn't get that. No, I. Have to make up for it next week. Right. There are lots of questions here and we did not answer them all. And I just wanna remind you the third, Friday, September 16th, 9:30 PM.

Eastern will do a live stream and we'll have a section four questions. I am so sorry that my are going up. I only need to keep it because I need the, I need to know if they call, um, sorry. I apologize. Um, so thank you for y'all's questions. Mm-hmm we hope we entertained and or helped both is always good. If we did one, not the other I'll call that a success. There you go. Um,

we try to do these kinds of Q and a every couple months. Um, especially right before we go on a break, cuz we like to take, take some time off, um, of thinking of topics, not time off, but we like to do that too. What are words? They're all jumbled now. I'm so sorry. Y'all . Okay. Sorry. So we're gonna stop now and do a very brief bonus section. Are. We good? Probably not, but sure. Keep it kink. Kinky. All we'll see you next week. Oh my gosh. Got a, can I talk to the crickets please?

Go ahead. Okay. I need to get up and stretch for a. Minute. Okay. Thank you. I need to know what the S year old was making for lunch. It smells delicious. Starving now. Um, bonus section stuff. I thought there was something I was gonna tell you and I have drawn a blank and JB has just wandered off and left me here. Uh, what's going on with us? Uh, I don't know. I don't oh, we had to get our garage door fixed this morning. It broke over the weekend. A spring broke.

They came out at like eight o'clock this morning, like 30, 45 minutes later they were done and gone. Um, that was wonderful. We were having to manually like open up our garage door, which is not the worst thing in the world, cuz we're CA we're physically able to do it, but it's a double garage door. So it was fucking heavy. Uh, and JB very quickly went,

no we're not doing this all the time. We're gonna get this fixed. Um, which has now spurred on a whole bunch of let's do things around the house that we have put off and that have we've put off so long. They've gone from minor annoyance to seriously fucking annoying. If we don't fix this, I will scream. Um, so welcome to home ownership. Y'all um, garage door was first. Then we have to call. You're gonna call tomorrow the appliance people because our ice maker and our

refrigerator has never worked. Right. And we had a plumber out ages ago and they did what they could do. It still doesn't work. Right. And we physically just go buy ice from an ice place every couple of weeks. And it's ridiculous. We just need to get the damn thing fixed. Yeah, but we did decide that if they say, oh, this is just a defect in this one. And like you can't, I can't fix it. It's buy a new fridge. That's not an option.

We're gonna probably get one of those countertop ice maker things. We go through a lot of ice. Like every drink I drink, every drink I drink will have ice in it because I only drink two to three hot co hot cups of coffee in a given year and maybe one or two cups of hot chocolate. maybe, and only in the depths of winter, which our winter lasts for about two weeks. So, um, no, I, we need ice around here. The kids are the same way.

You're the only one that consistently drinks, a single cup of hot coffee a day. Mm-hmm ice is important. Yeah. Silent wink said ice, ice cube trays. Yes. That would be the simple solution. We would have to have the way we go through ice in this family, between the four of us, the freezer would have to be nothing but ice cube.

Trays. It's it's bad. Yeah. I mean, there's a good, there's a possibility. What, what we told ourselves for a long time is, oh, we just use more ice than this maker can keep up with. But then we finally like were around other people's refrigerators, all of us. And we're like, wait, it's keeping up with this. So ours should keep up. Mm-hmm so it's just an annoyance. We're gonna, we're gonna deal with it. Yeah. And then we talked about this over the weekend of ther Q and a talk about it here.

We bought this house knowing that the shower in our bathroom did not have a working shower door, uh, what they had or half a door. It had half a door. The actual door was gone. What the previous owners had done is they popped up a shower, rod curtain, rod in a shower curtain. And we had told ourselves to move upon moving, oh, we'll get this sorted. Cuz we were doing some stuff in the bathroom. Well we did what lots of people do when they move in. We did not get it sorted.

So we have now lived here two and a half years. Give almost close to, uh, we've never fixed the shower door and still been using shower curtains. And it's beyond annoying because now with our new AC system. Yeah. More powerful airflow. The because of where the vent is in the ceiling, the shower curtain literally blows in on you. Yeah, the it, oh my God. And I have this squeamish thing about wet cold stuff. Touching me when I'm like in the shower. Like I.

Don't like it. See that doesn't bother. I just find it annoying as hell. And it is annoying and then if, if you're like us and you don't like, because we paid nice people to do good work. Our house is clean, but like there's little things that you should clean like a lot and they don't get clean quite as much as they should. They're not completely gross, but they're not pristine. And the shower curtain is one of them. And then it touches me. I'm like, I just washed that part of my body.

And now that thing touch, oh God. So we prior to, uh, recording today, we're on both the home Depot and the Lowe's site, uh, trying to find what kind of shower door at, what kind of price are we willing to pay and watching YouTube videos? How do you do ? Yeah. So that's also on our, our project list. Is any of that kinky or about our power exchange? No, except our power exchange permeates everything.

So when it's time to install things, my job is to hand the tool or to prop the thing or to be a support. Your job is to direct the whole fucking thing. And I just do what the hell you say so, uh, so yeah, our whole, our life right now is about home upkeep maintenance, doing things that we should have done a couple years ago, but we just, just didn't for different reasons. Um, and it's all happening all at once. And I feel like I should be a lot more stressed about it cuz it's not like

individually they're they're not overly expensive. Like one, if it was just one, it'd be like, okay, that kind of sucks, but it's not the end of the world. We're just trying to do like four or five things all at one time. Mm-hmm mm-hmm because we let it go too fucking long. And that's not even to mention the fact that that same bathroom no longer and has not, since we've painted the walls, doesn't have a mirror over the vanity.

So if I wanna do anything that involves looking at myself in the bathroom, I either have to crane my neck and look at the teeny tiny mirror from the medicine cabinet. Or I gotta go over to like the BA of the bedroom. And we hadn't even talked about that yet because that's one of those projects of, well, we can't put a mirror in until we get a new vanity cuz we know the vanity is gonna be higher, but we don't quite how much higher just yet.

So it wouldn't make sense to get a mirror that might not fit after the new vanity. Oh, but the vanity, we don't wanna get a vanity right now because we wanna replace the floors. all the floors. And round and. Rounded. Was I watching videos over the weekend on how to install tile into a bathroom? Yes I was. Uh, did I have to promise somebody that I would not broach that subject with him until after the holidays? yes I did. So yeah, our,

our focus right now is all homeowner. Yeah. Stuff. Yeah. That's just like, I mean, never mind. Uh, the kinky, the kinky.com our uh, shop that we love and adore and are working really hard to like turn into a thing, has to have an entire website rebuild from the inside out at the same time. All this other stuff is going on. Yeah. I haven't run screaming from the room yet. I feel like that's the win mm-hmm mm-hmm that's that's that's growth right there. I'm just smiling through it all.

Uh, now in the life chat, we have started the great debate over ice. Let me tell you these superior ice is the Sonic ice. It is the soft little nuty ice. That is the be any, any place that has ice. Similar to that. I think Chick-fil-A has that ice. Maybe not, maybe I'm thinking of somebody else. Couple other fast food places that. Sometimes Wawa comes close. Wawa has that ice, that nugget soft, like just, it's a great shoe feeling in the mouth. I'm an ice eater from way back.

I absolutely was raised on the don't crunch your ice. You're gonna break your teeth. I don't know if that's true or an old wives tale. I crunched my ice. My mother would go insert legal name here. I told you not to eat ice. You're gonna hurt your teeth. And I would look her dead in the fucking eyes and bite down. Uh, I truly, frankly, if I ate more ice, I would probably eat less potato chips. It's the crunch. You know how sometimes I'm like, I need, I don't, it's not a food I want to eat.

It's not a flavor I want. I want the crunch and I gravitate. I could gravitate towards carrots. I'm aware. I go to potato chips because potato chips are fucking delicious. Thank you. Sour cream and onion is the superior flavor of potato chip. Uh, there is no debate. I am not taking comments at this time. Uh, but ice is what I used to chew on because as a kid, as a chubby kid, I had no access to potato chips. which I know why now, because I cannot be dress.

With that. No, she potato chips and, and that explains a whole lot. I need the good ice. You know, every once in a while I enjoy pop tart. I do. I, I like a pop tart mm-hmm and the way the boys eat pop tarts, it's like the pop tart is all three food groups combined in the one. Well, there's, it's a grain. Uh, it has a fruit flavor. That's fruit. See, it's bound together with some kind of milk product that's dairy. I'm sure egg was. Used. So in order for me to on occasion, have a pop tart.

When I am in the mood for it. Mm-hmm I've had to start a secret stash. Mm-hmm so when she goes shopping, I'll pop open the box, take one, two, and I'll hide them. Mm-hmm I think I'm gonna have to start doing that with potato chips too. when we, but it explains a lot. I, the crunch and the ice matters, but our ice maker does not make that kind of ice.

It's a standard refrigerator, ice maker, the ice we buy to supplement our sad little ice maker in our refrigerator just is not that kind of ice um, I'm not going to Sonic or Wawa every fucking day, even. I'm not that ridiculous. Yeah. And I've gotten out of the habit of eating ice because I'm a grown ass lady with a car and a bank account. I can go buy potato chips. I don't, I mean,

I do once a week, we buy potato chips. Um, as a family, we go through a party size bag of potato chips once a week because they feature in movie night, but who needs to crunch? And once the bag is open, it's like, well, their fair game, everybody got what they wanted. Uh, I now get to munch on these Trump, Trump, I need ice. Yeah. So if we just could make the soft nuty ice, I wouldn't eat potato chip so much.

For sure. And, and you know, um, silent and the thing with the thing with the ice, with the buying, the ice we have within a mile of the house, there is one of those ice machines and for $2 get 20 pounds of ice, which. And how quickly do we go through 20 pounds of ice? Fairly quick, very quick, you know, um, very. Quick. Probably every three weeks we have to buy ice again, less. Than that, less than ice. And actually we, um, we don't refill our ice machine. We try to supplement what it, the,

the maker makes through the refrigerator on its own. And so we can stretch it, but mm-hmm. yeah. So yeah, homeowner problems. mm-hmm mm-hmm so. So yeah, but yeah, I've solved the mystery. If you want me to eat less potato chips, I need the good, good ice. And I crunch the shit. Will I be drinking more diet Coke? Yes. But I will be eating less potato TRS. I also think I'd like one of those soda stream maker things. No. Cause then I can make my own diet soda. No, no. You're pushing it now.

I know we don't have the counter space anyway. . Pushing it. Oh my God. Oh my God. So yeah, that's, mm-hmm, , that's where, what we've had have had going on this week, we've had work stuff, but that's just, you know, STR um, mostly home stuff. Yeah. It comes in waves like this, like we'll focus a lot on work. And then the house stuff is like, bitch, you should have taken care of this six months ago. And we're like, okay. Mm-hmm oh, focus on this now. And that's where we're at. Yeah.

So now we're just waiting on them to show up. Mm-hmm mm-hmm mm-hmm I've got no messages, so. Not yet. I guess we should go. Yep. Yeah. You, you got that inpatient. Kind of Twitch chill. I, I, I still have a lot to do today and I'm yeah. Soon I'll be a road warrior. Yeah. Going to fetch boy. Yeah. So. So yeah. Yeah. Okay. All. Right. We're. Done. So thanks for joining us, everybody. Glad you could be here. Thanks for your questions. If you, you ask thanks for staying to the bitter end.

If you can still hear the sound of our voice yeah. Um, yeah. Thanks for, thanks for everything. We appreciate you a lot, a lot, a lot, so, Hmm. Um, we're gonna go. Yep. Okay. Bye. Bye.