BDSM Q&A

You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode four seventy five. K. The Lord's here with the one, the only, the you hurt yourself as often as I hurt myself. Who is the klutz among us? John Brownstone. I know. I yeah. Every time I turn around, there's something There's a new wrong with a finger. A new scratch. Yeah. Yeah. You're a bleeder. So, I'm glad you're okay, but also, what the hell, man? You're just scratches. That's too bloody to me to be just

a scratch, but okay. It's too soon when I had my lawn business. No. Thank you. No. Thank you. That has nothing to do with anything for us. That's just our chaotic randomness. This week, we're answering the questions that we received from y'all over on Instagram and maybe YouTube that we're time traveling now. So I'm not a 100% sure about YouTube, but we'll all find out together. Welcome to the Living BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have

you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. And if you really like us, we'd love a rating, a review, whatever your podcast app does. We would love one of those. Thank you so much.

You can also follow the show on FetLife at loving BDSMPC, on Instagram and technically threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s and the number one. So at loving d s one. I hate it. Blue sky at loving BDSM dot whatever the hell else the Blue Sky handle has. Or on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingbdsm, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes.

Okay. Before we, get into these questions, I have a fun little announcement to make. I am so excited to actually make this and that's not what I meant to do. I hit the wrong button.

Okay. Cool. The announcement is is that all of our fundraisers, we had two going on simultaneously in case you were uncertain, for the Campaign for Southern Equality, an organization that helps southern LGBTQ plus, folk because we happen to live in hellscapes where our states are just continuously trying to take away the rights of trans folks and all other LGBTQ folks. We did fundraisers for them. So one was when we ran through the month of February. How the fuck is it March

now? I don't even know. And that ended through YouTube. And then we ran a fundraiser where we donated 5% of the gross revenue from our kinky Valentine's Day sale through the kinkery. And so I finally gathered everything the fuck together for the past, like, twenty four hours. And through YouTube, $401 was donated to the Campaign for Southern Equality. Thank you to everybody on YouTube who donated.

We really appreciate it. Yeah. And through Kinkery sales, it was a $134, and then we paid the card processing fee. So it came out to, like, 138 and some change or whatever. So, yeah, over $500 went to Nice. Campaign for Southern Equality. That is the amount $500 is one of the travel grants that they will give to trans people and or their family if they're a minor to help them leave their state to get, medical care. So we have been the, recipients of those grants. We're very appreciative.

Life would look a little different if we had not found out about that and had not received that. And so we are happy to be able to give back. Other fundraisers will come up through the year. We've already JB and I have already talked about that between the two of us. There are other organizations we wanna support, but I'm pretty sure we're gonna keep coming back to Campaign for Southern Equality as well. So

thank you to everybody. Whether you purchased something through the kinkery or you donated through, YouTube or you just, like, gave us your time, attention, and told somebody we exist so that maybe they were the ones who, like, found us and did the thing, we appreciate you completely, completely. So yay. Okay. Questions. I just double checked YouTube. There's no questions on I put a post up on the community tab in YouTube, which my experience I know this is not true for every YouTuber.

That is the most useless fucking thing that YouTube lets us do. If our videos are barely seen by our own audience, the community posts, even less so. Yeah. So all of the questions that we have are, through Instagram depending on how quickly we get through these. And a couple of these, I picked them, said, yeah. We'll go ahead and answer, knowing that the answer is we cannot help you. But here, maybe we can point you to where you can get some help. Right.

If we feel like we have time or feel like we still have energy, we may turn to the YouTube live chat to take questions. Do not count on that, but we might do it. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. First question. Mhmm. I'm a soft dom. My wife wants a hard dom. Any tips? Oh. Not sure on that. That's Would you like my immediate thoughts? Yeah. Let's see. Yeah. Have you defined for your self what soft dom means, and has your wife defined for herself what she means by a hard dom? Is it specific kinks?

Is it specific actions? Is it a tone of voice? Is it a type of rule making or task setting or accountability that your sub maybe wants to have to you? Whatever those things are, have y'all discuss them in detail specifics, instead of hard dom, soft dom? And of any of those things, are those things you, as the dom, are you willing to do? Are you curious about? Does it interest you? Would you do it just to make your, you know, wife happy, which is a perfectly acceptable reason to do something?

I do see this is a time where I think sometimes the general terms are a little unhelpful. We already know I don't love these general terms, although I do know they are helpful to folks and labels are personal. You get to use whatever you want. But what what do you mean by soft dom and hard dom? What does she mean by soft dom, hard dom? And then kinda screw that. What are the specific Drill drill down into it. Right. What

are the details? Because it's very possible. She doesn't want a hard dom, you know, air quote that with big title. She wants you to do a thing or a couple of things very specific. Or and once you know what the specifics are, then you get to decide,

am I even willing to do that? And then you can negotiate back and forth or you can go learn about a thing together or you can try it out in a scene or, you know, plan a role play or whatever, and then you're making decisions and without having to change the core of who you are. Because the tip is if you are a soft dom and your partner wants something that you inherently are not, everybody's about to be unhappy. Mhmm. But let's that's not a useful conversation.

Let's talk about exactly what she wants, the actions, the details. She's going to have to say, I want this. I want to experience this. I saw this thing and it intrigued me. And then you then there's a conversation. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Because when you say, well, I'm this and and she wants that, how do we reconcile that? You kind of don't. But get down to the nitty gritty, and now you're talking about actions that may or may not be able to be negotiated within your

existing power exchange. Mhmm. Within your existing power exchange. Mhmm. Good point. Do you have any other thoughts? Nope. I know. I know. I told you I woke up grumpy from my not a nap. I wish it had been a nap. Could I get a REM cycle? Believe me. I I I felt so bad having to disturb your nap. You didn't disturb me. I promise. But I did had to know one way or the other. No. You

did not. You actually I was already drifting in and out, out, and I kept my head kept jolting because my I kept turning my head kept falling, so my neck was hurting, and then my neck would hurt, and I jolt up. So it was not you. It's fine. It's fine. And the whole time you're doing that, I'm running around doing stuff. You were doing all kinds. I had done my things already. Yeah. I hadn't done mine. Next question.

How do I initiate play as a sub slash flirt with my dom without topping from the bottom? I think that's probably easier than they think. Right. Because I'm I'm gonna go back to define your term. What do you think? What do y'all think topping from the bottom is? Because letting your partner know that you're interested in something is not topping from the bottom. No. Making your desires clear, not topping from the bottom. As long as

desires clear, not topping from the bottom. As long as the dom still gets to make the choice Right. You have not topped from the bottom. That's right. But that being said, what are things that what are what are things that what are approaches you, JV, appreciate, like, or have noticed that help for you? I know for me, a lot of times, it's how you touch. Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? There there are certain ways you touch that, indicate.

Like, not when I smack them up against the back of the head, which I would never actually do. Never actually do. Not unless what I really want is for it to be a miserable time for both of them. Yeah. Would never do that. Yeah. I mean, what else? What else? Wait. What else? God, I don't know. Tends to be with tones. You know the tone of my voice very well. The tone I'm using now, you would not No. Think that I was being playful

or flirty. No. No. No. But there are other ways that I but and part of that is we know one another. Mhmm. You know, so we know each other's habits. We know how each other responds to stuff. You you also become very, lighthearted, very playful Yes. At times. Yes. And I I think with you, I I can do that, will do that without really thinking about it. It took a hot minute to get there because it's a trust and safety thing.

So for a submissive who wants to initiate play flirt, if if it is receptive from your dom, lean into the playfulness. Now that all being said, I only asked JB to share what works on him to just give a couple of ideas. Truly, I'm gonna give you the most boring answer. What I want you to do is to say, hey, Dom. Can we have a not, like, super serious our relationship is in trouble kind of conversation, but, like, can we have a conversation about something I would like to know what you'd like me

to do. Right? It could be, maybe y'all do check ins at some regular time. Cool. Maybe y'all just talk about the state of your, power exchange as you need. Whatever. But make sure that you are talking to them when everything is calm, when they are in a headspace to be able to focus on you. Might not even be that long of a conversation. It might be forty five seconds. Okay? But I want you to ask your dom this question. Mhmm. I wanna be able to flirt with you. I wanna let you know that I'm into it.

Mhmm. What are some things I can do? Or here are some things I thought of. How would you take those? Because our, our that's not topping from the bottom. Could even if I would disagree with them, could be somebody else's topping from the bottom. And for a while, if you remember correctly, we haven't used it in a in a hot minute, but, there we used to have a code phrase for you when you wanted a or needed a spanking. Oh, sure. That was a that was a,

I was anxious spanking. That was not a I want a scene spanking. What I the thing I I'm what I'm trying to get across here is instead of guess guessing and hoping that you do it right and that it lands, just ask your partner, you know, or say I had this thought. How would how would you take that if I did this thing? Like whatever behavior. And somebody in the live chat mentioned, don't underestimate the power of going, hey. Can we have a scene? Mhmm. Yeah. Plain and simple.

Over the years as I've gotten way more comfortable, clearly Mhmm. I just go, can you just spank me? Can, like, can you just beat my ass, please? I do think that's the, air quote flirting of a relationship that's got some longevity to it. Sometimes you just don't fuck around and you go, what can we do this fucking thing? I've got ten minutes. Do you have ten minutes? We're not exhausted. Nobody's in pain. Can we? Can we can we?

But, you know, there's no reason this is there's no reason to walk around guessing if you try to do a thing. Will it upset your partner or will they get you know, will they pick up what you're putting down? Right? So talk about what flirting or being playful feels like from your perspective and find out if your partner is receptive to that. There are dogs out there who are not. They they want to initiate. They don't you know, it it they have feelings about their sub

making it clear what they want. That's not a dynamic I could be in. I don't think it's a dynamic that the majority of kinksters can be in, but that is a thing and those are there are dynamics out there like that. But most of the time, I think I think any partner is gonna be like, oh, you have a way of letting me know that you're down for whatever we could do and that you're in the mood and you're like, we could have

a good time. I I just if you're not if you don't feel confident that you could just do it and it it would be well received, then have a conversation about it. And yeah, it's gonna feel awkward. That's all of this feels awkward for the first time. But this is to me a very, nonthreatening way to get some communication practice in because you're literally saying, how can I as a submissive approach you as your submissive to let you know that I'm down for whatever? Right? Or that

I want a specific scene or, hey. Let's play. I mean, god. Just, hey. Can we play this truly? I've not maybe play, but that's not usually a word I use with JB, but something to the effect of, daddy, can we play tonight? It is always still his decision. I can say it in a less grumpy tone than I just used. I could say it in a playful way, but I'm I'm not the decision maker he is, and then we go from there. So don't overthink it.

Ask questions Mhmm. That give your dom the ability to make the decision and or have a conversation about it, about these thoughts you're having in your head. Mhmm. Just saying. It's the boring answer, but, you know. Yep. Okay. Next one. Alright. Of course, this question is not specific to kink, but, nonmonogamy is very not very common, but it is a thing that happens within kink. So here we go. What are the best ways to find additional partners when trying to start in polyamory?

I would say probably get involved with your community. See what's out in your community with groups. You know, they may not have polyamorous specific groups, but even at munches there could be people who There are often people who are Right. Who are also poly. So, you know, look look for your your local community and and see if there is a poly community, you know, that that has any kind of get togethers. Yeah. In large enough areas, you can often find the poly and kinky.

That Venn diagram being a circle, you can find those folks. Mhmm. And they'll be meeting up. Yeah. I know. When lived in Bay Area, they had Mhmm. You know, regular munchers. They had poly meet and greets and all kinds of different things that went on. The thing that comes to my mind, I would not know what to do myself, so I cannot offer any, like, practical advice, but I know what's out there. I believe the app is Field, f e e l d. It's kink. It's nonmonogamy.

It's kind of, like, in a way, everybody is sort of welcome. What I would do on on a bio or on any place where you get to kinda let people know who you are and where you you know, what you're looking for and also make it clear you're you're new to nonmonogamy. You know? You say I'm seeking a partner. I'm try I'm learning about this as we go. Because some people will a 100% avoid a newbie. They don't want to train. Kinksters are like that too. Some people avoid a brand new dom or a brand new sub.

That's not what they want to do. Others, the non creepy ones, ideally, they're like, okay. Cool. I'm, you know, I'm okay with that. I don't mind somebody being new to it because, you know, then they don't come in with too many preconceived notions, ideally, in a perfect world.

But that would be the thing I would say is wherever you're going to meet meet people, if you're doing a dating app, if you're online, if you're you find you're in a a large enough, you know, metropolitan area or regional area with those kinds of groups, just be open about, you know, your experience level. Do not pretend to be somebody you are not.

Yeah. I would also go if you are already in a relationship with somebody else and, you know, you're opening up in this way, like, you're going to seek an additional partner hope hoping to meet somebody, I would be having conversations with your existing partner about, what you think it's going to look like. I say what you think it's going to look like because once you're in it, you're gonna realize for yourself what it actually will be like. And sometimes it doesn't match what

you thought. But the more you can start having these conversations now with an existing partner, ideally, they will they will be easier to have as things come up. If you are new into nonmonogamy, please please go learn as much as you can. Oh gosh. Is the account polyphilia? Poly? I can see it in my head. The their logo is yellow. On social media, I'm on Instagram, but I promise you they're on TikTok. They're on Blue Sky, they're on wherever. There are creators who are poly and who educate on it.

I would be looking up by like, what? Hashtags. Non monogamy, open relationships, polyamory, see who's out there talking about it, and I would try to find resources that are credible Mhmm. And learn from them. The credible ones are the ones who are not blowing smoke up your ass that this will be the easiest thing you've ever done. Mhmm. Those are full of fucking shit probably selling you something.

The best creators I've seen who talk about nonmonogamy will tell you how fucking hard it can be and how much you're about to learn about yourself, and they're gonna tell you, hey. You're about about to feel jealousy or insecurity or some negative shit you didn't mean to feel, and that is normal, and here's how to get through it. So yeah. While you're looking for additional partners, please be educating yourself as much as possible. But Yeah. That's that's what I would say. There you go.

I do think field is probably not the only if I'm remembering correct correctly, that field Yeah. Is, an I know there used to be a lot of different There were. And I we worked with a couple of them and I've I've not kept up with any of them anymore. Some of those apps kinda come and go. So if you are seek you're looking at apps, see who's out there. Mhmm. Okay. This one, I did not know how to

answer. Okay. Like, I don't have an answer for this person's question, but I still put it in because I wanted to be able to go, I don't have an answer for you. Bless you. Bless you. Okay. Alright. It's out of the system. The question is, do you think the kink community would benefit from, I think I'm saying it correctly, Reiki Mhmm. Healing privately and at events. Would the kink community, benefit from that? I'm I'm not quite sure. I've heard of I think Reiki?

I've never said it out loud. I've only ever read it, so I don't know. I have heard of it, but I am not familiar with what it is. I'm gonna be very derivative, and I apologize for that. But I just want to this is how it has people who are not who do not do it, how they how I it has been described in a way no. I won't do that. I'll do that off. I'm not gonna I'm not trying to offend anybody. I'll tell you how

somebody has described it to me. It's kinda a little pejorative, so that you would understand what the hell it is. Here's the reason I put that in. I don't have a fucking opinion about that. I don't know anything about it. I've never participated in it. I don't I don't have an opinion other than I have a very loose idea of what it looks like from the little bit I might have accidentally seen online.

What I will tell a person who's thinking about this is offer it to your kink community as a service or bring somebody in that you know. Maybe you've benefited from it and you're like, man, I think kinksters could really use this. Okay, so start talking about it online. Whether you do it through social media or a YouTube channel or whatever, a podcast, start creating content about why you think it matters.

If you, are in an area where you have access to a local community, go talk to the people who host munches or who who put together workshops and where and I say put together, they're usually people who host a workshop and they'll be like, hey. We brought such and such person in today, and go suggest it to them.

Right? If you are attached to anybody or attached not to a person, but attached to a community that has community events, parties, there's a dungeon, there's a something, go talk to that organizer and go, hey. I think the community might benefit from this. This has worked for me or I practice it or I'm a purse and, you know, a professional, whatever whatever whatever the terminology is. Can can we do something? Can we partner up? Can can I come can I offer this at

blah blah event? Now when you're talking to the kink community and you want to sell the idea that this could be beneficial for specifically for kinksters, you need to come with information. How did it help you? How has it helped others? What exactly is it, and how you think it could be beneficial? I don't have an opinion on anything I haven't fucking done and that I don't understand.

But if you feel strongly enough about it, you need to go start making connections, talking about it online, talking to people in person. And and whatever your connection to it is, whether you've just, you know, participated in it and benefited from it personally or you are a professional and this is what you do, that's what you do. I can't tell you if it's gonna be beneficial or not.

My I don't even have an understanding of exactly what it is, but I I know the the way it is talked about by people who are not into it, I would not I would not do much for me as far as I know. I wouldn't be interested in it. So it's not like then that doesn't mean it's not a good thing and other people wouldn't be interested in it. But that that's the thing. If it's a thing you like, it's made something about your kink life better, then

start telling the the world about it. And then maybe other people will find the same thing to be true. Yeah. I'm not gonna make a joke about somebody's, like, practice, but I do. I I do. I I do know the descriptions that have been used about it. Okay. Okay. Okay. This isn't a question, but I felt like this person was trying to shout into the void and I wanted them to know they were not alone. I'm struggling to find good BDSM dom sub books, actual realistic ones with plot.

Same. Same. Same. I do still have a one series that is still my all time favorite series. I read it twice because the final book took forever to come out. And I was like, I don't I remember the first two books, but I don't remember. And it's, the series is Brutes of Bristlebrook. The author is Rebecca Quinn. I believe I'm on I'm right on that. I'd have to go look it up. That was some of the best power exchange I've read ever. Now I know they're not the only ones out there.

I've tried to read some authors like there's an author whose name I cannot think of right now. They write a lot of daddy dom little, books. They do cowboys and they do motorcycle clubs and I think something else. And it was not poorly written. Those were I wish I could think of the author's name. I'll my I'll have to go grab my phone and see if I can find them. They those are not poorly written. It's just the one it was one of those times the formula used for the series.

I was done with it. I really like when in a series we're talking like, especially it's in in series. We've got kink varies. Right? The type of, partnerships and or the the kinks that get used or the types of power exchange dynamics. I like when there's variety and some of the authors I found who've been very good only write about a singular type. And I'm like, okay that was fun the first time, even though there were some kinks in it that were not my kinks. By

the eighth time I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore. Let me go grab because I'm thinking of an author right now that it was really good power exchange, and it wasn't all supernaturally. Hold that. Oh my god. I'm so hot. It is it is a little warm in here. Yes. At some point, I should probably put together a list of kink books that I have or kink authors you read about kink that I have enjoyed. That's Wait. You don't have that yet? I do not have that yet. Oh my god. No. I don't actually.

Is it no. It's not that one. Oh, that one. Okay. There's this series. Oh, this author, KiKi Clark, k I k I, KiKi Clark, has a series called Leather and Chrome. It's, gay romance. A lot of it is very power exchange y and kinky just in general. Oh, now it looks like I tried to read it and I was not trying to read it. Who else have I got? I thought I had somebody else. Who I really do need to, like, just put together a damn, like, here's who I've read, who's here's who I've

liked. Had had something come up in chat. Sure. Alexi Bunn said, also, can we recommend your own books, Kayla? I love them when I read them a few years ago. Oh, thank you. I do not recommend my own books because, those were not professionally edited. I enjoyed writing them. Oh, man. Yeah. I should really put together like a list of authors I've personally read. Another place to get great recommendations is from Rara of the Pink, Pink podcast.

She reads a lot of kink books, has been a book reviewer for ages, and usually has some really good, recommendations. So Princess Rara on social media, Pink King podcast, whichever one. If you reach out and go, hey, Rara, can you recommend some books or some authors? She can do that. Yeah. And I and I can't help with this because I don't read

anything that BDSM related anymore. Do you know for all and I read a lot because it's my coping mechanism while the the, you know, world's on fire right now. I read very little kink. I will go looking specifically for kink books from time to time. Or if I happen to come across a thing where, like, Rara has recommended an author or something, I don't seek it out but it just, like, comes across. You know, I will read them. But I've been so disappointed in some of what I could find. I'm sorry.

Or this is the hardest part. There are authors who'll go, oh, it's light BDSM. It's dumb sub vibes. And I'm like, no. It's not. That the male partner smacked her ass, like, once and called her good girl, like, 87 times. Like, by the eighty seventh good girl. It does not pack the punch that it once did. Right? Yeah. So I've been disappointed there. But also, I'm currently in a I I mostly only wanna read Why Chews. Like, that's just Mhmm. And I don't usually love contemporary Why Choose.

I want it to be a little fantastical or whatever whatever. And there, to my knowledge, do not seem to be a lot of authors other than, like, a Rebecca Quinn, who write really good Why Chews. Keke Clark is probably up there too. Even though I would say Rebecca Quinn is better, from that perspective. Keke Clark's just a good auth author. But, they don't seem to write a lot of why choose but hear also some kink dynamics. Mhmm. And if they're out there, I just literally

have not found them. I've not come across them. But yeah. Like, I just I don't right now. I'm I'm very much a mood reader. If it's not if I'm not vibing with it, I just can't read it. So I'm not doing a lot of, like, male, female, typical, air quote, that typical romance. That's also kinky. I'm just like, well, that's not interesting to me. Like, can can there be somebody else or can we do this differently or, like, just do it?

So but, yeah, one day I probably should try to I not by memory, just through my Fable app. Go through what I've read and see if I can pull out some names of, some books or some authors I've really enjoyed. Okay. Here's one. First time pegger tips. I do not know if they were asking as the pegger Or the peggy. Yeah. Well, then I'm just gonna give some, you know, go slow. Just like with anything else, don't just jump in and lots of lube. And if we're talking about pegging with, like,

the stereotypical pegging of dildo pegging Mhmm. Not just anal sex, start with a small dildo. Yeah. Start with something hell. You know yeah. Start with fingers before we even get into silicone. Like, start small. Start small. Start small. Start small. If you've never had anything up your ass, no matter how much you may or may not end up enjoying it, that's a weird feeling the first time. And people don't talk about how that's a weird feeling the first time.

First time I experienced anal, I was like, I didn't it it made sense the moment I felt it. The moment I felt it, it made sense, but I was like, I did not know this felt like taking a shit in reverse. It made once I once I had that moment, I was like, no. Of course. Of course. That's what it would probably feel like because but that for me was unsettling. It's like, I I don't that I don't want that feeling.

So just if you've if you've never had anything up there, just be prepared for any amount of, oh, I did not know that's what it would feel like, but that's what I'm telling you. That's what it feels like. But, yeah, it's always a go slow. You do not have to take the biggest fucking dildo on the first try. That is how you get hurt. Yeah. People there are people who work up to shit like that, and that's cool. That's great. I love that

for you. Mhmm. If we're talking from the pegger standpoint, I've never pegged anybody, never worn a a strap on. It's not something that I'm really interested in. Right. So I've never thrust into anybody, but you have thrust into people. Are there any tips you would give a first time thruster? Maybe do some core work. Some core work. Yeah. You know, core and, probably some legs.

Mhmm. A a thing that I am learning mostly from the gay romance that I've been reading, not from anywhere else, so take this with a grain of salt. But I'm I'm seeing a lot of we always think of sort of doggy position as, like, the anal position, but it doesn't have to be. You could be missionary. You could be on your back, pull those knees back, spread it. For those of us who just never thought about it because it was never a thing we had to think about, I was like,

oh, that oh, okay. Okay. Okay. So that I'm telling those who are like me who never would have thought about it because you didn't need to know that information, and it just wouldn't have occurred to you. Yeah. That one's for y'all. The folk who've been doing it already already damn well knew. And and and relax. To the best of your ability. Yeah. To the best of your abilities, relax. On the lube thing, thing, we used to say this a lot when we talked about

all kinds of stuff with lube. Mhmm. But it was use a lot of lube Mhmm. And then put some more on it. Those first times until you know yourself, until you're comfortable, until whatever like, if you are slipping and sliding on the bed, I know it probably feels like excessive lube, but I promise you Mhmm. It's probably the right amount of lube. It should I mean, it should be like, are we sure? Are we sure this is how much we should have? For those first few times, yeah.

Yeah. The more the better. The more the better. The more the better. As you get more experience, you can find your preferred amount of lube. But those early days, they are the better. Okay. Okay. How to vet teachers when looking for kink classes? I think the best way probably to do that would be to speak with past, Attendees? Either attendees or, geez, I can't think of the Organizers? The hosts. Yeah. The organizers. Thank you. Yeah. It depends on are you looking to see is

this a class I wanna go to? Will they know what the hell they're talking about? Or I would like to bring a person in for my own community. The other thing is a lot, not all, but a lot of, educators, whether they are demoing kink skills or they are talking about concepts, they're gonna have, like, a lot of fucking content out there. You're gonna you should be able to find them online, and,

take consume their content. Listen to their podcast, watch their videos, read their book, or at least excerpts of their book. That will let you that will give you an idea of do I think this person is peddling bullshit. Okay? If they're a demonstrator, they typically will have some kind of content either on FetLife or maybe on, you know, non kink social media platforms of them showing what they can do. If they have that, consume that content.

I know a lot of educators will often have somewhere, like, on a website or on FetLife, like, places they have done classes, events they've been invited to. Mhmm. Track those down. Right. Reach out and go, what was your experience like with this person? Mhmm. That is probably more helpful for, somebody inviting somebody in. Right. And a lot of times too with that, you will see other people, you know, talking about, oh, I had a great time. This was a great

class or or, you know Mhmm. How they Mhmm. Yeah. A 100%. Like, just you maybe don't vet them the way you do a partner, but you vet them. You know, go see what the hell they're putting out there, do a search on whatever social media platform for their name or other people talking about them. And what are they saying when they do? But, yeah, the question is a little imprecise because it's like, which direction are you coming at it from? Right?

If you're going to a class, do the search of is anybody's talking about them in a negative way, and go check out their content and go, do I feel like this person is blowing smoke up my ass? You're probably fine most of the time. But to invite somebody to your own event, yeah, dig deep. Yeah. Definitely talk to fellow organizers and ask questions because they somebody can be fucking brilliant and know exactly what they're talking about or doing in kink and be a fucking menace who should not be

allowed around people. In the chat, Katie Rose brought up a good thing. Read the negative reviews as well as the positive ones. Yes. And that and that's very important. And not only read the the negative reviews, see if anything was how how it was handled. Mhmm. Mhmm. And, you know, we all have our own sense of what we can tolerate for somebody

or how much we will forgive somebody. People can make mistakes and, you know, for me, if I'm host let's pretend I'm hosting an event, and I gotta bring people in. If I see your name come up more than one time in a negative way, like separate events, I mean, you're not coming to my fucking event. I don't care how many times you apologize, how many classes you went to, and how many people vouch for you. A single time?

I don't know. I'm a be, like, digging fucking deep because was it a misunderstanding human error, or was this just the one fucking time you got caught? Right? Like, the the trust factor Mhmm. Of and that still is not foolproof. Like, people can, like, go under the radar for decades before something comes to the surface and more people know about it. But yeah. Like, that's my tolerance for that kind of thing is gonna be very fucking low. Nobody I don't want people to come

into my house, let alone go, hey. I'm gonna invite all these kinksters who believe I know what the fuck I'm doing. Oops. I accidentally let in a predator? Like, fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. No. No. No. So I'm just saying. Okay. I don't know how helpful any of this is, but I am having a good time even though I still feel a little grouchy. Mhmm. Sorry about that, y'all. Okay, Oscar. The the last question from Instagram. And part of this, I don't think either of us can answer. No. I But that's

okay. We're not meant to answer all questions. How to internally deshame dark consensual nonconsent desires as a sexual assault survivor and share those desires with my daddy, Tom. Yeah. I I do not think I am in any way, shape, or form. Way qualified. No. What I can tell you if you do not already have this kind of person in your life is I would beg you to seek out a Kinko ware therapist. Yeah. Because you might be you might have a therapist that's helped you through maybe, you know,

surviving the sexual assault. Maybe it's something else. Maybe it's whatever. But if they don't know anything about kink and you start trying to talk about dark CNC desires, I hope they handle it well, but they

might not. If you can find a kink aware therapist who will work with you on the feelings you have, how to communicate them, how to how to, you know, not feel shame about your own desires because the stuff we desire on the inside, the stuff we fantasize about is not inherently outside of a few very specific examples, and y'all know what I mean, is not inherently automatically

bad. It comes from a place There are studies out there, like actual scientific studies, that show where kinksters will sometimes use parts of kink to help them work through their own trauma successfully. Right. But that's not something that I think too many people need to be just doing. Like, you don't raw dog it on your own. Hopefully, you've got some guidance. You've got some help. And, yeah, I I have heard of people doing that as well. Yes. So I neither of us can answer the first

part of the question. Okay? We and when we're done recording, I will go pop in the links in the places for the place where you can find a kink aware therapist. So many do online stuff these days that, you know, you don't have to go to anybody to have these conversations, especially if you wanna have them in private. Now once you get to the point where you can share those desires with a partner, and you're willing, and you're like, okay. Let's I would like to talk

about this. Mhmm. That we might be able to offer some advice for. So to share those desires with your daddy dom. What are your thoughts on that part of the the question? I think that's going to be one of those, and maybe maybe not. But it that could be one of those tough conversations to have. But, you know, you you it's at that point, you have to sit down and talk about it. But I think it's one of those you set up a time. You don't Oh, yeah. You really don't spring in on a

partner. No. No. No. No. No. No. This is not you know, hey. Right. Obviously, you would wanna have that conversation where you could be private, so you would not you could be very clear and distinct with what you're trying to explain. That those sharing those kinds of desires is not a time to speak an innuendo. Plain fucking language. And you need to be in a place where you can safely use

that plain language. Mhmm. One thing we've talked about in the past when we when people have asked us about bringing up new kinks or kink in general to a partner that they don't know how they will, respond to it Mhmm. Is asking questions about, do you know about this? What do you think about this? Hey. Have you have you heard about this? What you know, do you have any thoughts about this? Have you ever had a fantasy

like this in this realm? It doesn't have to be your you know, you don't have to be like the hypothetical doesn't have to be your exact situation. But, like, have you ever had some dark, like or what do you think of consensual nonconsent? Is that would you be interested? Right? And give them the space to think about it at that level before you dive in with here is my three act play that I would like us to put on.

Can we do this? Right? Like, in any kink, but certainly the ones where they are considered more edge. I don't like to use the word extreme because that's subjective, but I think most people would know what I mean by that. If you don't know how your partner feels about those things yet, easing them in slowly is not a horrible

thing to do. That being said, depending on how long you've been together, you know what kind of commune hopefully, you know what kind of communication strategies your partner, responds to best. Some people want just clear, plain, direct language. Just tell me the fucking thing, and we'll we'll figure it out together. And some people, you just know you can't come at them all at once. My experience, not even about this situation, but communicating things.

I'm checking JB's mood before I tell him anything. I'm making sure if I'm asking for something that maybe he's never done before, so I know one, he's gonna have to decide, do I even wanna do that? Do I have it in me to go learn? Is there a place I can? Like, all those factors. Right? I'm a make sure we're relaxed. We're chill. Mhmm. He's not grumpy. He didn't have a bad night. He's, like, in a headspace. Like, I'm I'm clocking for those things.

Use that information that hopefully you have learned about your partner. Hey. Let's go have a cup of coffee and sit. Right. If you do start seeing a Kinkaware therapist, if you're not already, if you are seeing a Kinkaware therapist, I highly recommend just finding oh, I hit the microphone. Sorry. Finding a time and a place and a way to bring this up to them. Right? But if if they're not kink aware, I highly recommend kink aware for this. Yeah.

But if you are comfortable with it, if you're at that point in your relationship, you don't have to go into the details of why you're seeing a kink aware therapist, but maybe you can give a broad overview assuming you're comfortable. You don't have to. You're not required to tell a partner or anything like that. But if you know it's a thing that you're probably gonna bring to them,

maybe that's where you start. And then there's like time between you find this therapist to help you with this thing to, you know, so you can work through it in whatever way that's gonna look like, and And if you're comfortable enough and the trust is there and the relationship's long term enough and they've they've earned this level of intimacy from you and you mention,

hey. I'm gonna go see this therapist for this give be vague, this vague reason, you've kind of already started the conversation because now you've got the opening. Over time, if you feel comfortable, you can start talking about it more. But yeah. No. I don't I cannot imagine that dealing with any internal shame you have over your own desires is easy in general. And then add a trauma like that on top of it. Oh, nope. Two weirdos with microphones and an Internet connection.

We nobody. I'm not gonna I would cause more harm by whatever flipping thing I would say. That is for professionals. And I you know, there are other people out there on FetLife, I think somebody mentioned in live chat, who are sharing their stories and their journeys to in similar you for similar situations. Yeah. If you can find those folks, seek them out, read their stuff, or consume their content, however Yeah. You're putting

out there, for sure. But that I don't think you get to do that in place of working on what's going on with you specifically with ideally a professional is what I would say there. K. Good. So that was the last question from, Instagram. K. Freckled Awesomeness, says in the live chat, it's so hard to find a kink or poly therapist that takes your insurance. Very true. Yeah. What I have seen, it's been a it's been a hot minute since I went and

looked. But the last time I went and looked, and that's been in the past twenty four months, a lot of them will talk about how they offer sliding scales. Mhmm. So that you're not necessarily paying their top end. Hell, we got the youngest, the 16 year old, into therapy, what, three years ago? Yeah. Because the therapist who their office didn't take insurance at all, they offered sliding scales. I got her lowest fee. Over over the years, it's kinda gradually bumped up.

I found it easier to ask on behalf of my child. I could ask for almost anything on behalf of a child. That's mine. Not myself. But if you don't ask, the answer is always no. And unless you were blessed with insurance that doesn't make you pay a co pay, it's few and far between, but I know they're out there. What I found with the insurance we have, it was cheaper to ask for a sliding scale Mhmm. Than it would would have been to pay any co pay that we would have

been charged for insurance. I know for a while when I was in therapy, if you do, virtual Right. There was no Right. Through our insurance. Through the through that insurance. Which is the problem that not all Everybody right. Right. I know. But I know. If you have a little bit that you can afford, but maybe you can't afford. All of it. That's what I would say is if you find a therapist that offers what you need, that's the question I would ask. You know? Can do you offer a sliding

scale? Mhmm. Yeah. Would I ever have asked for myself? No. I would not. For my kid, yeah. I'll ask. I'll I get uncomfortable with it. So yeah. Do we wanna take questions from live chat? It's up to you. You're the one in charge. I guess I could take one or two. Okay. So sorry, podcast listeners. We're I told you at the top of the intro we were time traveling here. If you're watching on YouTube during the live stream and you have a question you would like us to answer, feel free. We'll give

it a couple minutes. Y'all know us, we can chit chat. Please tag us at loving BDSM. Our name shows up bright orange, so we can see it. The question should needs to be short enough to be within the character limit of a single live chat message, and don't spam the channel. Kitty says the Kinkwear Professional website is that's the one I'm gonna link to is the Kinkwear Professional website. Mhmm. I should I saw the I put the question in the notes. I should have

grabbed that link and I forgot. It was the damn weird nap that was not supposed to occur. I wasn't I never meant to take a nap today. I gave myself an hour to I've got a stack of books where I'm doing research, and I give myself an hour to read the book. Thirty five minutes in, I was like, oh, done. We got a question from Freckled Awesomeness. I can't flirt to save my life. Any suggestions on how to learn, to flirt? Oh, shit. I neither me. No. You're not I mostly just make sarcastic

comments. I I hate to admit it. I used to love to flirt. You are a very charming human. But it's been so long. You're out of practice. Okay. So let's imagine a situation where you Oh, that's not gonna No. Can't may I? Imagine a situation where you were feeling as as playful as you used to feel that would allow you to flirt Mhmm. If you were to try it on me, on a whoever, whatever. What do you think you would do, or

what do you think you would say? Like, what what do you think might be going through your mind if you were to attempt it again? I mean, for me, flirting was always trying to find out something about the other person. Mhmm. Okay. And then kind of turning that into Did A flirt. Well Yeah. See, people it's one of those things that people who know how to do it. They just know how to do it, apparently. So back in the day because I'm oblivious to

flirting. If you flirt with me, I don't JB can flirt with me and I will turn to him and go, what are you doing? Yeah. That's because I'm comfortable with them. I don't know I'm being flirted with. I have done things that people have claimed were flirting. I was like, no. I was just being kind of a bitch and wondering if you would laugh about it. I guess that's my flirting. So when you start asking questions and you get playful with it, do you are you asking questions about

them? Like, are you is it such an for the moment where you're like, you see them doing something or you you're in a moment together and it's a sheer moment. Like, you're standing in line at Starbucks, and that's the It it's Right. It's a it's a thing of the moment. It's a thing of the Right. You know? And so then when you try to be playful with it I thought you usually just turned the camera off and back on. I saw that it had said the stream ended.

Oh, well. Okay. Mhmm. So so is it do you make, like, a joke at your own expense? Do you turn something in playful into the moment? Like, I I know how you are when, like, the line is long. We're waiting forever at Starbucks. You can make that into a playful moment. Is that the playful moment you're having? Yeah. It's not It can be. Yes. Is it oh, I feel like an archaeologist or a anthropologist. What are the words I want? I don't know. Y'all know what I

mean, though. Right? Okay. I'm studying human behavior here. Okay. So let's say it's situational. You're in line at a coffee shop. You're flirting by making a playful comment, not about the person, but about the situation. Right? Because you don't know the person. Right? Right. Okay. So if they respond positively Mhmm. Playfulness and now it's like, oh, we're in a conversation? It depends on the person. Depends on how they receive how they respond. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha.

Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay? You know, sometimes if it's a person that that feeds off you, you know, you can keep going. Sure. Oh, yeah. If if you get ban banter Yeah. Oh, yeah. Once you have that, it's back and forth. Right. Right. Yeah. So but, you know, yeah. It it depends on a lot of things. So But it comes from observational stuff mostly and Yeah. A vibe check. Mhmm. Is the initial flirting the vibe check, or have you checked the vibe prior?

Is there, like, an air that you're looking for in that person before you'll even start? Or is the first playful question the vibe check? You know, I couldn't tell you anymore at this point. Why were you not memorizing Silence is too much like small talk but with expectations. Yeah. Yeah. So here's the thing. I would never tell you that I can flirt because I don't think I can, but I do understand the vibe check playful question. Now I don't do playful, I do sarcastic. Sometimes dry humor, but

it depends. It depends. It depends. And I don't do it for flirting reasons. I don't know how to flirt. Mhmm. But I do that kind of same thing when I'm trying to do the vibe check of the person I'm with. Like, a doctor. Like, I was so we've I think I just complained about this last week, and I was like, I don't like my gynecologist because she

does not pass the vibe check. Because if you're gonna be elbow deep inside of me, I should be able to crack a joke, and you should think I'm at least mildly amusing. Right? Not be confused by me. I think that the principle might apply. It's just the the focus and the intention is different. So I would say to anybody who maybe doesn't think I they can flirt but maybe you will throw out a sarcastic comment or an observation that other people laugh at as vibe checks, I think maybe that translates

a little bit. I don't know. I don't know. When I have pretended I knew what flirting was many, many, many years ago at this point, since I've known you as long as I have, we're talking almost, but not quite fifteen years ago. Mhmm. I found flirting and maybe this is because I'm a cis woman, air quote, flirting with cis men. Like, let's be real about the target audience here. Flirting, air quote that, was a lot of laughing and going, oh, you're that's that's oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. That's

really? It was a lot of that, and I didn't like it because it feels very disingenuous. If I can't make a snarky smart ass comment to you about the bullshit of life and you don't laugh, I don't know what the fuck to do after that. If I have to spend the whole time going, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. That's amazing. And doing the touch on the arm and depending on how receptive the squeeze of the buzz. Again, my whole experience has been flirting with cis men and is if you know, you know.

Not the best ones. Let's just say that. That's a little bit of, like, I would call it fawning. Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. Because it's really more about stroking their ego. That's why I don't know how to actually flirt because that's not to me flirting. That is batting my eyelashes at a man who expects that kind of treatment from a woman he's attracted to, who he assumes is also attracted back. Right? Like, I mostly just wanted to fuck y'all. I wasn't it wasn't that deep. So yeah.

I don't I don't know. I don't know how to flirt. Well, silent. You're right. It it I mean, I didn't do quite that much. Those are just multiple examples in a row. But if you if if the vibe was that we were heading towards getting naked, there would be a lot more of that. Yeah. I, I don't know. I find JB and I are flirtatious with one another, but it's we're teasing each other. And it's it's based on a deep knowledge of each other and of knowing what we can and

can't say to one another. That's why I don't I could not even imagine actually flirting with actual strangers or people I've just met. I don't know anything about you. I don't I don't know what you're gonna find funny. Mhmm. I don't know what's gonna make me just look like a weirdo and what's gonna be like, okay. Yeah. We're on we're on the same wavelength here. At this point, yeah. Yeah. Quite frankly, we make jokes about air quote flirting. Somebody's body will make a noise.

And the other one, I was whoever it is, the other one I was to go, ugh, you do know how to turn me on and seduce me. I want you now. I've never wanted you more. So yeah. Asking us about flirting these days. Be careful. JB I I remember JB's flirtatious days because we could be out anywhere. We went out so often back in the day. Why did we do that? Anyway, we would be out and about and he would just casually flirt.

It never bothered me. I mostly was a little bit like, an observer at the zoo, what trying to watch animals in their habitat. Like, what is that, and how does that work? Nope. So Anywho. Yeah. Tayce, you said in the live chat, expecting the fawning type of flirting is the reason why guys at my church wonder why

independent women don't want to date them. And, you know, once I found I hit my stride of my independence and my, like, take no shit, you know, kind of way of being uncomfortable in that, yeah, I mostly heard that I was intimidating from, a lot of men. I was like, no. You are intimidated. Yeah. That's the difference. I wish I had gotten that sooner in life. See? That you know? Yeah. Yeah. But here we are. Here we are. So Andre has a good point on flirting. You know, I think the goal will have a

lot to do with it also. Are you trying to get to know someone new, or are you long a long term partner? Yeah. You know, give your long term partner a hint. Yeah. I think we just mostly you know, I think we do it for the vibe check more than anything because we are at a point in life there's no seduction going on. Like, it's not that we can't, like, warm each other up sexually speaking, but and we will and we do, but we don't have to preempt that with anything.

Quite frankly, one of the best things in life was ever was at the negotiation where I was like, look. If you just wake me up and fuck me, it's fine. Whatever. Don't make me think about it. We did have to set parameters on, like, not in the middle of the night a certain point in life, not in the middle of the night, we will be exhausted. Certain times throughout the week, we're not great for that. Like, keep that to, like, a fucking weekend, whatever. We negotiated

it. But I just I don't I'm not if I'm flirting with you, it's because I like you and I love you and I wanna be playful with with you. There's no goal to it. You know what I mean? It's more of Okay. At this point, our weird, snarky, sarcastic flirting is a point of connection. Mhmm. It's almost a form of communication. Like, hey, I'm feeling playful. Are you feeling playful,

man? When it don't land though, when one of you is feeling playful and you, like, send your shot across the bow, bow, you know, and it doesn't it doesn't land? Oh, that's oh, that's not fun. So, you know, I, I don't know. Yeah. I I was told always after the fact that somebody thought I was flirting, and I was like, by being a bitch to you? If I had known then what I know now, I would have asked, do you do you want me to step on you? Like, Do you wanna be domed? Is that what

I didn't know. I didn't know. Man, if I had some of the ways about me that I did twenty years ago, not a lot, but a little bit. It was an inkling. With the knowledge I have now? Oh, yeah. I'd, they'd be intimidated. Yeah. Like, I don't thankfully, within our audience, on socials, YouTube, podcast, I don't deal with a lot of, like, bullshit misogyny that that crap. I it's very rare. It's usually a brando. But so but I see it, right, all the time.

I don't have to deal with it, but I also won't deal with it in the fact that I don't even wanna do the clap back. I don't have the energy to deal with somebody's dumbass self with bull like, I'm just like, I no. I have so many more important things. So even though the me of now knows what she could've and should've and would've said twenty years ago, even if I had the opportunity now, I'm like, no. I don't I don't have time for you.

No. There's so many things, better things I could be doing with my precious limited time on this earth. It will not be clapping back at dumbasses on the Internet. It it won't. It won't. It won't. Oh my gosh. Oh, thank you, Kim. How long should I wait to meet my, long distance relationship with daddy? I think there is no set time period. I think it is when you feel comfortable to do that. And when you feel like you can meet in a safe way. Yeah.

And that they you know and or just believe that they will respect whatever your boundaries are. So meet in a oh, there with the camera again. Meet in a public place, have a a safe person that knows where you are and is and a safe person is a check-in. So they know you're going to meet up with somebody that maybe you only know from online. They know they don't have to know the nature of it if they're not kinky themselves. They know where you're gonna be, the location.

Hell, these days, like, it used to be, you just had to give somebody an address. These days, you can do, like, the Life three sixty thing. Right? You can share your location, right? They but that person knows where you're going, how long you anticipate being with this person, who they are, legal name ideal. I would not meet up with anybody who is not not willing to give me their legal name if you want like a hard fast rule.

And then they are expecting you to I would say call because anybody can send a text from your phone call and say, hey. Yeah. We're here. I did the thing. All is well. But if they don't get that call from you, they're like, they're calling 911. They're calling the police. They're doing something. And a potential partner should have not one single problem with you having that set up. JB made sure I had one set up before he would even agree to come visit. So that is a thing to think of.

If you are if there is even a little bit of doubt about their trustworthiness, that the things they tell you are real, even a little bit of doubt, it's probably not the right time to meet them for your own safety. And, Andre said in live chat, start with video chats if you haven't already. Yeah. For sure. For sure. For sure. But yeah. It's it's you only you get to decide when you're ready.

I do think it's a there's a a bit of paying attention to the other person's signals, especially once you start putting some, like, firm boundaries in place, about that visit. Right? They're you know, if you have no desire or you're not comfortable enough to get intimate with them on that first meeting, you know, that's not even a thing we recommend. We did it, but we don't recommend it. Mhmm. They should be

okay with that. They should, like, they should be chill with, you know, whatever you need to do to feel as safe and secure as as you can. They should have have their own boundaries. Like, if they're acting like you can do anything and what and nothing, you know, it none of it matters. To me, that's a little questionable. That's because I don't trust no damn body. But, yeah, those that to me, that's the win. There's no time limit.

It's if it's been a year and you haven't laid eyes on each other in a physical space, you're not doing it wrong. You know? If it's been two weeks, I mean, from the mom, big sister, aunt vibe, I'll be like, oh, that seems a little fast. Seems a little fast. That's not best practices. But I also know shit happens and sometimes opportunities arise. But at that point, then you're gonna take your risk assessment even more seriously than you might six months

down the line. You should always take it seriously, but there's just, like, a level of, like, have somebody with you or have that safe person or only meet in a public space or whatever, like, what rules. Lay out rules if it's a fast meeting. Fast meetings make me nervous, but I don't trust anybody. I just don't. I mean, when we decided to see one another was when it finally became too unbearable to to not see each other. Right. And we could make it work with our very

adult lives. Like, he had work, I had work, I had the kids. Like, if for me to be feel comfortable meeting him in person, I had to have a place where my kids could go and they were not going to be part of this because I had set a rule for myself that my the kids were not going to meet a partner of mine until I was convinced it was genuinely serious and this would have longevity. I was not going to bring people in and out of their lives. It was just a personal rule I set.

So a lot of stars had to align for us to even decide to, but by the time we were having those conversations, we were, like, chomping at the pit. We're like, oh my god. When can we see each other? And I think that makes a difference too. Yeah. I know we're going to attempt to do a bonus section, but I also know the camera is giving you fits. Mhmm. So we will be done with taking questions. Yep. And we will have a bonus section, but I will try real hard not to string

it out. How does that does that work? Perfect. Okay. So, on that note, are we good? I have no idea. Keep it kinky, y'all. I will see you next week. Dottie. Dottie. Yeah? I know you're a little stressed out and with good reason. I don't know what the fuck's happening with our camera, but can I talk to the crickets? Yeah. Okay. Do I have anything other than being fucking cranky because of a a not nap nap. I am working on the neurodivergent series.

I realized a lot of my understanding of neurodivergence came from the Internet, not just social media, but, like, articles I was reading online. I was like, I would like to, like, put my hands on top recommended books. And I meant to do that through the Libby app, but then my library does not have the ebooks for the books I wanted. That was very frustrating. So I went to check out the physical books, and I read a lot slower. A lot slower with the physical book because

I have to take my glasses off. I have to have a very bright light over me, and I have to angle the book close enough so I can see it, but not too far down so I get a crick in my neck because oh, my nope, nope, my neck does and so this is me in my a weird head angle, a weird book angle, a glaring light over my head. It's a fun time. It's a fun time. These damn eyes. I don't know. I don't know. So but I am working on it. I realized we've done this a couple years in

a row. Mhmm. So all I can tell you is the virtual summit of which we have been a part of for the past two years is coming back. We will be talking more about it next week. And, yes, of course, we did. We did a presentation as we do. Past couple at least one of the years we did it, it inspired a series Mhmm. For the podcast. Yeah. This one in my in my brain hole has also inspired a series. Yeah. It'll be a companion. So the the presentational happen

on our scheduled day and time. And then probably the week after that, I'll I'll My, start the series. I I know after recording it and what you had to do to edit it, you were like Oh my god. Oh my Oh my god. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I learned that the video editing software that I've been using for about three years now, went completely obsolete. The webs was no longer supported by the creator. The website where you would go for blah blah blah Mhmm. Like, died on 01/01/2025. Oh, gosh.

It's 2026. In case somebody's keeping up. And that it was that editing that video for that presentation where my app finally decided to stop working properly. And, of course, there's no support for it thing. You know? It does not live on my computer anymore. I did get something new, which I have not used yet. But, yeah, I've got plans. So for Dom Sub Virtual Summit, we get thirty minutes max. I always tell myself, man, maybe we can keep it to, like, twenty minutes. We

cannot keep it to twenty minutes. We always record at least forty five minutes of content. I will be doing something with the raw content from all of our different presentations in the future. I have a very big long list written out sitting on my desk. But yeah. Yeah. So I've got two series in my mind. The one series from the presentation we did, there goes a camera again, will be easier. The neurodivergent series, I'm trying to be very careful about because I wanna do it right.

So that is coming. What else? The kids are good. The animals are good. JB JB is frustrated with the camera for a good reason. I honestly don't know if it is the Software? Or the camera at this point because it keeps saying it it it's not communicating with the camera. Yeah. So We have picture again. Mhmm. Yay. For the time being. For the time being. Yeah. I've been in a kind of creative is the right word. But because maybe a little creativity, but I've been in a, headspace where I can plan

shit again. I don't know how long it's gonna last. I have had to come to terms and make peace of the fact that, just because I am capable of doing something today and want to do something and can plan for shit and can keep it up maybe even for days or even a couple weeks, few weeks, straight, does not mean it will always be this way. So we make, hey. Well, the sun sun is fucking shining.

Because I have found that if I can make the plan while I'm in the headset headspace where I can make the plan, even when I'm kinda struggling with focus and attention and whatever, I can still work on a plan as long as the plan is already there, as long as I know what the steps are. Yeah. Yeah. I I can slowly work on it. So So, yeah. That, that's all happening. Yeah. Is there anything I I have been working my tail off

in the shop. Mhmm. You're gonna get an AC, window AC unit for your shop this summer. Getting yes. Mhmm. Yep. Because we there we will just be sold out of everything for the six to eight business months that is a Florida summer if he doesn't get one. Yeah. I think I'm gonna have to start putting up, reminders for candle sales that so folks will understand that if you order a can a wax plate candle from us in the middle of the fucking summer, it will probably be soft when it arrives.

They've I've never had a report that it's melted. Yeah. But they will be fucking soft in there. Mhmm. So yeah. Everything's I'm not trying to rock the fucking boat. I'm not gonna jinx myself and say things are away, but they are the way that they are, and I am not unhappy with that. So there you go. Mhmm. I mean, other than that too, I've been spending, very happy with getting my little, computer set up in the

in this now spare ish room. Okay. I don't usually go to the hive mind for things because I have this really weird reaction when people give me their advice unsolicited, but this is not unsolicited advice. Ella keeps peeing in places, but the place is this now spare bedroom used to be the 20 year old's bedroom. And I have done things to get the smell out, and it is not getting the smell out. Now I do think there's a corner I have not found that needs to be cleaned there.

If you have loved a cat that is pissed all over carpet and you have some actual things that actually work, even if they're out of the box, please Yeah. Please let me know. You can DM. You can email. You can do whatever. Are are you part of our Patreon Discord? Let me know because I lit they I I've always hated the fact that you do not have a good sense of smell because of all the sinus stuff of Yeah. But I you can spend time in that room, and I literally cannot walk in. Yeah. I

can't. Smells so strong to me. I don't smell anything. I am a little sensitive to smells in general, but I have to Now when I'm I'm in there too, especially right now, both windows are It's still not enough. You have that fan going the windows open. Yeah. I spent I spent a long time cleaning that carpet out with the pet odor kind of cleaner, blah de blah de blah.

Nothing is working. I mean, right now, if I don't find the thing that works without ruining the carpet, I'm ready to rip carpet up and put down Yeah. The vinyl stuff that just locks together. It's imperfect. I that's not what I want for any of the bedrooms. I like that the bedrooms are carpeted, but I can't do it. I can't do it. And it's really mainly that room. It is just that room. Yeah. Oh god. It's miserable. It's miserable. Sometimes I wonder if she's, not upset because her real

person isn't here anymore. No. She would've been doing it for a lot longer. I think she don't feel good. And she is oh, I love Ella, but she's a bitch from fucking hell. Girl after my own heart, but I don't pee on everything. Mhmm. And with her not feeling good Yeah. Yeah. Everybody in the live chat is is saying thank you, silent for the enzyme cleaner. I always forget those exist. I like I've heard of them, but I don't ever think of them. So okay. I will look for an

enzyme cleaner to try that next. Yeah. But, yeah, the carpet If it's soaked way in, yeah, it's not gonna coming out. Oh my god. Yeah. We know we're not staying here forever. We know it's gonna go up on the market at some point. Yeah. There's no way I'm I'm not letting the smell of cat pee take down the value of our fucking house. So myself will rip out carpet. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't know if it did you know, Sean was talking about the subfloor. Mhmm.

It's just concrete. Yeah. Thankfully, for us, it is. Yeah. But if it's the carpet pad Well, no. There is a carpet pad. What I'm saying is if it's soaked into the carpet pad Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's gonna be damn near impossible to get out. Okay. Kim has said vinegar. Okay. I got vinegar. I got vinegar. I got. Oh, lord. Yeah. It's unbearable because we that was the room, one that's got a workspace for JB for one of the tools that's we're still

working on. Mhmm. But even once that's finished, I want that room to be we have a walking pad, and I wanna use that when it's too hot to go outside. But I can't I can't stand being in there. Just Okay. Can soak into the concrete too. But soaking it in, Zonklay. Thank you to the live chat. Sorry, podcast listeners are like, y'all are just y'all are just rambling now. I well, more so than usual. Yeah. So yeah. Thank you. Mhmm. I do I I can foresee a future where I'm ripping up carpet, but Yeah.

I'll try these other things first. Mhmm. Just Yeah. God. I know. No. That's true. She hadn't been doing it prior, but now can't like, okay. So buy the I out all of our litter boxes, we now have these, like, rubber silicone, I don't know what they're made of, mats. Mhmm. So that when she pees outside of the litter box, which she was doing and is still doing but differently now, I am gonna have

to keep cleaning up the floor. And one of the floors is hardwood floor, and so we didn't want that to soak in. So that has made life easier for cleanup, but what I have noticed is the sheer volume of pee outside the litter box. It's healthy pee. We're not peeing the wrong colors anymore, so that's working. And I, like, I cannot figure out, is it that she can't hold it anymore

at a certain point? Like, it's not all the time, but, like, is it she does not like the state of her litter box that I have made my part time job to keep clean? I I don't know. Is she I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. At this point, we probably pretty much have her closed off from every room Mhmm. In the house. Mhmm. Yeah. Yeah. So her new place was to, a couple times, go into low onto Lola's car or into her crate Into her bed, ma'am.

Not to make big messes, but enough that Lola was like, I'm not getting in there. Mhmm. And we were washing all of her bedding. All her bedding had to be washed. Yep. Andre asked if we've tried different cat litters. That is what started us realizing she had a problem with urination because we did switch litter boxes Mhmm. Or switch litters, and we went through a very slow process. And then one day, I went I just made the shift

over, and she hated it. So I made the shift back, and we took her to the vet. And then after a while, she hated the combo of the old litter that she did love and the new litter that she tolerated. And I the only way I could get her to pee in a litter box was to give her all of the current kind of litter we're using. And so because she she goes in the litter boxes. We have three litter boxes for two cats because that's what cat daddy said to do. And I hate having to clean all those litter boxes,

but it does work. It the house is not stinky because it's it's not just all one and clumping in the hood. But, she uses them. She pees in them. Oh, yeah. She shits in them, but there are just times she doesn't. Yeah. So yeah. It's a a It's a mystery. And I'm keeping my calm with her. Nobody else is. Everybody else is pissed that she's peeing everywhere. I'm keeping my calm about that. But I also want to fix I under I understand she hadn't been feeling well.

But it's still frustrating. It is frustrating. I just don't, you know, I don't get angry at a cat that can't speak English to me. Like, if she could just tell me and talk to me, what the if if she could speak and she said, oh, it's because I hate you motherfuckers. Well, then I'd be pissed. Okay? But I'm running off the assumption that she is not completely well. I mean, they'd even said if the bladder stones Ella has bladder

stones if you had not heard. If, Ella's bladder stones were gonna shrink, it was, like, three months Yeah. On the special diet before we'd seen it. And it's been only a few weeks. So oh, silent. Thank you. I did not know that cat daddy had a stain and odor remover. I will check that out. Yeah. Onyx? Onyx is like a champ. Okay? Onyx thinks she is still in the wild, so she covers everything that comes out of her body Mhmm. So predators will not find it. Okay? She will cover, Ella's messes

And you're to keep predators away. Yes. She has. She has covered. Onyx don't play with that shit. No. Onyx Onyx is very fastidious. If though, if you notice, there are two eating spots. Onyx is a very neat eater. She is. Ella is. She's very delicate. Ella is it it goes everywhere. Puts her face in her food and goes Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's what the hell she does. Yeah. And, you know, I I get it. I get it. But Mhmm. Yeah. She's just it's frustrating. Yeah.

We will try the things. Mhmm. We'll try the things. See what, what we can do. Alright. On that note Mhmm. We've been fortunate. So far, the camera hasn't turned off. So let's get going while the getting's good or something like that. Otherwise, yeah. I've been enjoying the computer in there. I've got Terraria set up there on it now. Have a, k patient, a card game. And what else? Puzzle. We did decide you need to put a baby monitor between the office and the

spare bedroom. Yeah. Because Lola will be crying to go out, and I will not I'll be in the shower, I'll be in the bathroom, I'll be doing something and nobody knows but me and I can't get to her. True true true. And, Jim, I moved all my m p threes over there. And then got, like, offended when I accidentally called it an office. I was like, it's a room with a computer and you're doing stuff on it. It's it's Not like that I accidentally called it the office. No. It this this has become a separation

for me. Yes. Yes. I did not even put email on that computer. I agree. Yeah. You needed a place. Your work your the office in here was where is work. That is play. Right. So I I I needed the separation and that has been a marvelous thing for me. And now you have it. I know it. This smells like cat pee and I can't figure out how to fix it yet. I know. But I will. We'll figure it out. It's my new mission. Okay. It's now very hot in the sun. It is. It's warm because the doors are

closed when you Yeah. Yeah. So we're gonna go. Mhmm. Thanks for being here. Yeah. For everybody who sent To the bitter end. Right? For everybody who sent in a question, gave us a question that was the appropriate one that I could read out would was willing to be out loud. There were a few that got rejected. You know who you are. Thank you for your questions. I guess we'll see you next week. Do I know what the fuck we're talking about next week? Not a fucking clue. Not a

clue. No. But we'll get there. Mhmm. Okay. Alright. Bye. Bye.