- You are listening to the Loving PDSM podcast, episode 3 89. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the guy who like me is doing this in pajama pants. Mm-Hmm. because we're back from break, but we also didn't wanna have to wear real pants. Right? We are wearing real shirts, but we are not wearing real pants. comfort is key this time. Exactly. Yeah. Uh, will that be seen and visible on the live stream slash video? I dunno. . But if it's not, you know, Right?
You might not know what's in our pants, but you know what our pants are. Yes. So it's almost sexy. I don't know. I don't know. I guess that depends on your perspective. I, that's all we're here for. That's not at all what we're here for. Are we here to get weird and awkward and overly intimate and vulnerable? Yes. . Are we here to talk about pajama pants and what may or may not be in or on them? No. Uh, this week, uh, back from break and chaotic as ever.
Uh, and we're answering random relationship air quote, deep relationship questions that I came across online that aren't from a relationship expert. But I looked at him and went, yeah, I'd answer these. And Jamie went, yeah, I'd answer these . And so I went, guess what we're doing? We're answering these questions. Okay. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. This is your first time listening. Glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back.
Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education. And show notes are found@lovingbdsm.net. Come back often and feel free to add the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on FetLife at Loving BDSM pc. The PC stands for podcast on Instagram and threads at that handle. I will forever fucking hate, hate with a bash of thousand fiery Sons. Hate it. Uh, loving Ds and the number one.
So that's at loving DS one. I have strong feelings about it. Okay, I see that. I see that . Or you can follow us on YouTube at youtube.com/loving bdsm, where you can watch us live. Stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. You it. Mm. Hit my button. Daddy . That did not come out sexy like I hoped it would. came out weird and awkward. So completely on brand.
Uh, before we get into these relationship questions, um, have, we gotta have a commercial break and it's a big commercial break and it's gonna take a hot minute. Mm-Hmm. , because this is a thing that's only gonna be around for a short amount of time, so I gotta get in the details while it can. Okay. - I'm gonna sit back and take a nap then. - I'm not gonna take that long. If you interrupt me, I will. 'cause I'm gonna talk to you if you interrupt me.
And then we're not on track. Somebody has already noted outta this, they're like, oh, this, this is too much. This is too much for me. It's fine. Um, the DOM sub Dynamics Virtual Summit is back for a second year. We participated in it last year. It's the first year it ever existed. It's back for a second year. We are part of it. It is an online, hence the virtual online BDSM education opportunity April 8th through 11th that you can attend for free .
You can register and attend and watch all these sessions by 2020 kink educators, including us. Um, no cost to you other than the time, of course, . Um, the link is in the places. Uh, if this is the first time you're hearing about it, let me go over it a little bit with you. The whole point is to help people who yes, are kinky, but want to be in a power exchange or are in a power exchange.
And basically from our perspective, have a happy, healthy power exchange relationship, whatever that means to you. There are a ton of sessions on all kinds of topics. Our good friend who is definitely in the live chat, rah rah is one of the presenters. Mm-Hmm. as well. Mm-Hmm. . Um, we are doing a session on punishments and rewards. Um, that, um, is the whole thing. Every session is supposed to be practical information that you can walk away and do something with. That's what ours is on.
Um, there is a session on, um, contracts. There's a session on hard limits. Rah rah. In the live chat. Uh, feel free to shout out your session 'cause my brain just blanked out on all the different sessions. Uh, rah rah is presenting, uh, Evie Lupine, uh, Sonny Megatron, Luna MDOs, Justin Cross, like all kinds of people. Um, it's an incredible opportunity to get some free education. The free ticket gets you 24 hours access during April eight through 11th to each session.
So if you can't be there at the time the session is scheduled, you have 24 hours to watch the sessions you're interested in when you register. 'cause the only way to attend is to register. You're given the opportunity to purchase something that is sometimes called the VIP Pass, sometimes called the All Access Pass. Basically, it gives you extra stuff. It gives you lifetime access to the session. So you can go back and re-watch as much as you want.
It also gives you access to extra educational and kink opportunities that are provided by the speakers. Our educational opportunity is a brand new workbook that we created just for the punishment and rewards sessions. It's worksheets that take all the things we tell you in that session and then give you an organized place to write it all down and figure yourself out. Uh, in this , we recorded our session before I finished the workbook, and I went, it's a mini workbook.
It's a couple of worksheets. It's 11 worksheets, y'all. And a page of resources from content where we've talked about punishment and rewards in the past. Um, so it's not really a mini workbook. Um, but you only get that if you do the VIP pass thing. Thing is, is if you don't have, have the budget for that, that is okay. You're not gonna miss out with just the free ticket. The free ticket is gonna get you a ton of good information.
So if you have not already, and you would like to, the link to register for that free ticket is in the places. Uh, podcast listeners, that's the show notes. YouTube folk that's down below. If you are on our email list, you have been and will continue to get emails about it. If you follow us on social, mostly Instagram and FetLife, we are posting there so you can get access to it. Uh, sign up. I think it's worth it.
I mean, I like to think that 'cause we're part of it, it's worth it, but it's not really just for that. It's worth for all all the things, all the people who are there, all the, the classes and presentations. So, so that is the commercial break. Dom, sub Dynamics virtual summit, April 8th through 11th. Free to attend Free, free, free, free, free. Go. Get your kink education on for free and online.
You don't even have to wear pants. And as somebody who is not wearing official pants today, I'm here for that. - Same fucking here for - That. Okay. That is all I'm gonna say on the commercial side. Okay. I don't know how long that was, but, you know, it was what it was. . Um, do, do, do. Let's see. There. I was like, what am I clicking to get to the questions? Hmm. So these questions came from what I'm considering, a very random post on Instagram.
It was not from a relationship coach or expert, it was not from a therapist. It was from an account that just, I can't figure out what their deal is. But it's all kinds of random life stuff. They don't actually focus on relationships. They do not purport to be experts on anything. I was like, okay, you're random. You're to, I don't know if you're even credible, but the questions are interesting. So , that's what we're doing.
And we will each answer these questions to the best of our ability, ability. And if you are intrigued by these questions, feel free to use 'em as conversation starters in your own kink relationships. Okay. First one, jb, what's your favorite weird habit of mine? I use so many. I dunno if choose, I dunno if you like any of them. - Pick one that I like outta - Decide if you actually like them. . - Um, okay, I'm gonna go, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna actually touch on two.
Okay. Okay. Um, the one which I find to be just absolutely adorable. - I'm terrified. Okay. . Am I about to have all my weirdness, more of my weirdness put on display on the internet. . Okay, go ahead. - Um, when you're sitting reading and you take your shirt and pull it up over, over your nose and you just kind, - I think it's a, it's a stimulation thing, but I don't know what I just, so I - Do it . It's like, it's like you're burrowing - . Okay. Yes, I do that. Yes, I do that.
Uh, YouTube folks get an, an actual example of what that looks like. Right? See? Yeah. Yeah. Okay, go - Ahead. You said there were two and there there's, yes, there's another one. This one I have, um, little bit mixed emotions about. Oh - God. Okay. - And, um, , when I'm laying in bed at night and I'm reading my book - - And I'm, and I, I, I am done reading and I put my, my Kindle to the side. Oh God. - I think I knew where you're going.
- And I slide down and I'm just ready to close my eyes, roll over and go to sleep. - But I get the nighttime zoomies. - You get the nighttime Zoomies - . That's it. . I thought, I thought you were gonna point out the vocal stem that I've like somehow developed over the past few weeks. Okay, good. No, no. Yes, I do get the nighttime zooming . I'm energized. I have my daddy's full fucking attention. - Oh my God. - I am here for it. My God. He can go nowhere. He's trapped, trapped.
I got a wild animal. Not a limb off to get away. Hadn't happened yet. He still has both arms. So yeah, I get not, not all every - Time. No night. Not every night. Not every night. No. But there - Are definitely nights. Like I just, I have thoughts like last night and I need to share them all - Like last - Night. And I wanna touch, and I wanna get your reaction and I'm probably gonna tickle you because sometimes you'll give me a reaction.
Sometimes that reaction is to turn around and tickle me back and I fucking hate that shit. beside the point. Yeah. Yeah. The nighttime. Zoomies . - Yep. - Okay. - Hey. - Okay. Okay. - So your turn. Oh, boy. - So the habit is not technically weird. A lot of people do this. Okay. What is weird? And it's not a bad weird, but it's a thing that I who do not like to be perceived ever outside of the internet. Okay. Uh, just go, what in the hell you love music? Love music, love, love, love music. Yeah.
I don't even want to know how much time Spotify says you spend listening annually. - It'd be frightening, right? - . Um, but what you do, and it is both fascinating and admirable. And what the fuck is people listen to music and sing. They absolutely do. Ev lots of people do that. That's not weird. JB wears noise, noise canceling earbuds. When he's listening to Spotify, he can hear nothing but the music. Yeah. He cannot even hear himself.
And he will, if the album is good enough, give you a full blown concert. Like loud, like he's working in the shop outside, behind the house at the back of our property. And if I open the back door here in this room where we are recording, I can hear every note. And he hits the high ones , and he hits the low ones. And he does it with his whole ass chest. Like the neighbors can hear, he'll be in the garage. Garage is up. Okay. He's singing, he's doing, he is happy.
Y'all. He is so happy. People are walking their dogs. People are bicycling past our house. It's, it's a concert. now. He has a pretty decent voice, but everybody has a range they're supposed to stay in. Jimmy does not worry about what range he should be in. The music takes him where the music takes him. And you know how in some songs, like there will be like beats and notes and parts that aren't actually singing or it's backup singers. It's not the main thing. He'll sing those parts too.
loudly loud. And the first time, the first few times I realized he did this, I was, I was, when I say mortified, he did not do anything embarrassing. But because I struggle with, uh, oh, people know I exist. Like I was, oh my God, my face got hot. I was like, what the fuck is happening? I'm now much more used to it. And I just find it amusing as fuck. 'cause I'm like this, this man does not care. Now I'm gonna out you on a thing that is not weird either.
Lots of people who have the opportunity to do it, but he, it ties into this J's out there working. We got a wooded area. It's, we got a privacy fence. If he's gotta go, he's not coming into the house. He's going behind the shed. . Okay. That, that doesn't, dude, I grew up in the woods. People pee outside all the time. I don't care about that. Will he keep singing his song while he's peeing? Yes. Yes. He'll, not all the time, but enough of the time. . And it is delightful and also hilarious.
- She, uh, she, she had a good laugh the other night, night before last. I, um, decided it was going to be a night of sitting on the sofa and spinning up some vinyl. And I do not have speakers on my stereo headphones. And you know, the youngest is is in I his bedroom. Mm-Hmm. door open. You're sitting next to me on the sofa. Lola's in between us.
And I'm, you know, and, um, I was actually playing a game while listening, but, you know, the music and, and I wasn't gonna break out singing, but I'm sitting there and I'm mouthing , the words - . So he's mouthing the words, which again, I am used to getting a concert. I was sort of grateful that it was not like a full blown concert in, in the living room while I was trying to read. But if he had sung it would've been fine. All I hear is spitty noises though, . And I'm like, what is happening?
And that's when I, he's looking at the album thing. He's looking at his phone and he's mouthing the words, but he's not mouth, he's not, it's not silent like his mouth is working. Like he If he thought he could have and he could have, he'd have been singing him. So I can hear his mouth moving and I know what he's doing. And I was like, I don't, I dunno that this is better . Maybe you should just sing it. Just, just sing it. Just go ahead. Just go ahead. Okay. Here we go.
- Okay, - Next question. How do you think others describe our relationship? I know how the internet sometimes describes it. Hashtag relationship goals. We did a whole episode a few years ago. But how, I don't like that. 'cause I don't think that's healthy. Please don't do that. If you can help it. However, beyond that, how do you think others would describe our relationship - Off the charts? . Chaotic. . Yes. - So chaotic. Yes. There. Before the grace of God go.
I, I dunno, , - I, I, I think it would leave. I, I think it would leave most people, uh, scratching their heads. - I think it would leave most people exhausted. . - That too. - We're a lot, we're a lot together. - we can be because - Most of the time we're like in our groove. We're, you know, just trucking along. But we had, we had a moment this past weekend where we were not our best selves. Mm-Hmm. . Uh, and it was 48 hours of it not being great. And it's emotionally heavy, obviously for us.
We're the ones going through it. But like, if you had to be on the outside watching each, each of us give both longing, but also slightly dirty looks to one another when the other one's not looking . Or we think the other one's not looking like, I miss you. I'm pissed off at you. I miss you. I can't stand the side of your face right in this second. And it's, it's mutual. Okay. This is not me like telling you what I'm like it is both of us. Right. It was so bad this time.
We had to communicate via email. Yeah. We have not done that in literal years. Um, and I think that if somebody had to like witness when either things are really good or when things are really bad, they'd be like, oh my God, I'm fucking exhausted. - . We will wear you down. We'll, - We'll, we'll, um, believe it or not, as much as we put out on the internet, we, there are things we keep for ourselves and I just, right. I think it's, we're fine. We're good. Mm-Hmm.
I think think we're sometimes even fun. But I'll tell you in the internal stuff, you would be exhausted. You would just, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. I, yeah. I I, - You'd be like, scratching your head and be like, what the fuck? - Right. Like just five seconds ago, they were the iest wiest fuckers I've ever come across. It was nauseating. And now why are they looking at each other like that? , it doesn't happen often, but when it does, it is like it's whiplash. You're gonna get whiplash, .
And then in the middle of the, in inciting incident, inciting incident. Is that how that goes? You know what I mean? Um, we're, yeah. Oh, I'm hugging Burger King to my chest. He is driving down the road and we're screaming at one another. And we don't do that very often. It, it is very rare. And in the middle of it, the 18-year-old calls, I go immediately into mom mode. And we both went into parental mode because he had a flat tire.
We had to help him. And I mean, it was, it was a lot because we did not actually resolve, we didn't finish the argument. No. We didn't finish saying what we needed to fucking say - . Right. - We didn't act kind towards one another at all, . But we also just dropped it and went, okay, what does the kid need? - What, what, what needs to be done here? - So yeah. Sometimes we're real, real good. Like we're all almost always real, real good. But we are intense. Mm-Hmm.
we are intense sometimes, so. Yeah. Yeah. I think people would go, oh, that's a lot. I think that's what people would say from the outside looking in. That's a lot. Well, - Between the, uh, stubborn emotional cancer that I am in the, oh. - With oh my God. All the stuff you still never got to work out through therapy. - And, and the Scorpio bit from hell that you are with - Control issues. And I, I think more sicknesses than people realize, have control issues.
. That's why only some people get to have the control of me. Yeah. Because most people could not handle it. 'cause I wouldn't let them. Thank you. Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's 'cause our, all of our emotions towards one another when we express them are just big. So when it's good. Mm-Hmm. . They're big and good. Yeah. And when it's bad, which is y'all, it's real, real rare. It's, I can't even remember the last time prior to this, we had a bad argument.
Mm-Hmm. We had like six, six to nine months. Within the past six to nine months, but yeah. Mm-Hmm? . Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Intense. Mm-Hmm. is what I think you'll say is intense. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. Okay. Here's this one. This one has the ability to get weird or to get sweet. So, - Okay. - We'll find out. All right. If I lost my memories. Mm-Hmm. , what's the first thing you'd tell me about us? It's intense. No . - You're not sassy. You were never sassy. - I think the heart knows .
And I think I would feel that that is not accurate. I think deep in my core soul, I would go, that's not right. Something about that is - Not right. You know, when I first saw that question, it, it, it, uh, the thing that popped into my mind was 51st dates. - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh - God. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, the, the thing that, that the immediately popped into my mind Mm-Hmm.
with this was telling you how when we order takeout, I always order a diet Coke , take a few sips , and then give it to you. - Oh my God. - And y'all, we had that nasty argument and he still gave me the diet Coke. Y'all it was still there. And I sure as shit drank it too. - . Oh my god. - Yeah. That would I, yeah, I think that would do it. I'd be like, oh, clearly he's my soulmate. - . - So I have been struggling with this question. - Okay. - 'cause there's
too fucking much I want to tell you. And everything needs - Context. - Right, right. So I couldn't just like, give you like two sentences and that encapsulates anything . I need, I need a, a several paragraphs, several thousand words. I like, I need, I need space to tell you stuff. But I would like to think that if you forgot us, you would still at some core know who you are.
And the romantic in me who reads way too much erotic romance and likes way too many rom-coms wants to think that I could say to you, Mm-Hmm. You have the control, you have the power. You are my daddy. And that like, miraculously, that like lightning bolt. You go, I know what that means. But the problem is, is I'd have to then explain to you what daddy dos are . How I'm your baby girl and you actually do like me this sassy . You just don't like to admit it. Um, .
And I would, I know I'd have to explain to you what that means, that you're my daddy. But that would be the first thing I, people are like, you're my daddy. Like, you're my, you're my dad. I'm sorry you're my daddy. - - . And then I'd need a, a good three to four business days to explain to you - What that meant. , - The full context of what that involves. Yeah. Yes, yes. Yeah. - But - I would be happy to be sipping on a diet Coke.
Actually, the thing I might tell you is, you know, even when you're mad at me, you always give me your diet coke, - . - And yes, you secretly love the sass. Mm-Hmm. , you actually compliment me on it and tell me I should be more sassy than I am. And that I don't need to hold back. - Wait, - What? - What? Look, - If you do not use somebody else's amnesia to your own purpose, what are we doing here? Okay. Okay. - You're terrible. I'm keeping an eye on you. I'm keeping an eye on you.
- You should. - That's - The whole point. . That's the whole point. Okay. What has this relationship taught you about yourself? - Oh my gosh. - I can tell you what it's taught you, but that's probably not what this - Supposed to be. You can tell me what it's taught me. Oh boy. . Here. Slide me a note under the table. No.
- What has this relationship taught you about yourself? Um, - I I think it, if I, a couple things right off the bat, um, I, I have always seen myself as a, a relatively patient person. But our relationship has definitely, um, taught me to be even more so patient. - I thought it was, you were gonna say, it's taught me I'm not as patient as I thought I was.
- . And, um, I, I think one of the other things that, uh, definitely has taught me, um, is that, you know, there's, um, more way of, of seeing and, and approaching things. Then - You're very rigid, stuck in your way. This is the way we do it way. Yeah. Yeah. There's more than one way to skin a cat. Yeah. I don't know why we're skinning a cat. I don't think we should , but there is more than one way. There's more than one way to load a dishwasher and fold a towel.
- . - Okay. So this is an aside that will maybe make that comment make sense, but I have - To tell it. Oh my gosh. Oh gosh. - So this goes a probably goes a little bit to the answer to this question, but it's not the answer I had in mine. So one, I, uh, started to understand what true compromise and a relationship was when I let him air, quote, let him, when I did not fuss about the way he loaded a dishwasher, first of all.
But, okay, so you can be together for a long time and little things that are, are, don't matter can sometimes annoy you, but not enough to where you say anything. Right? You just go, ha jb folds towels. Not, not bad at all. Like, I had a, a way that I folded towels for years. I actually adopted part of his way to do that. But something he does that always come at me go, what the fuck is when he folds a towel, if there's a decorative bit on it, that'll somehow make its way inside the fold.
And I'm like, no, no, no. That's supposed to be on the outside. So he's helping me fold laundry one day. And while I am extremely grateful to how he is helping me fold laundry, I was like, I love you so much. But that why, why do you do that? And put the, the decoration part on the inside. - It goes in the closet. Nobody sees it. It could still - Look nice when it's in the closet. I'm trying to say something sweet about you. Damn it. So she said submissively . So He didn't, didn't say a word.
Didn't fuss, didn't argue. I did have the like, exhausted. Oh my fucking God kind of thing. He just calmly unfolded it, refolded it. And I just went, oh my God, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so, so much. Now does he forget with other towels? Sure. But does he always remember with our towels? Yes. So I don't say much 'cause I don't, I care about the other towels, but I don't. So the, like a day or two later, he's watching me load the dishwasher.
And he had his own calmer, less bitchy moment where he was like, no, you need to put the cat. Well, we do a liquor pad for Ella, or she will unh her jaw to eat. And we're like, - Slow down and, and engulf the entire bowl in one bite. - So he's like, no, no, no, you need to put this in this way so the water hits it better. And my, and my initial response was to argue , God, I am not doing these brat claims any favors, am I?
Um, my initial response was to argue like, wait, I've been putting it in this way all this time. It comes out clean, it's fine. And then I stopped myself. One, I remembered that who's actually in charge here? . Uh, and two, I remembered how he just like quickly and quietly and without a fuss fixed how he folded the towels. And I went, fuck it. Okay. . Um, how does that relate to what has this relationship taught you about yourself? I am capable of compromise .
Um, and it really can be somebody else's way. Uh, that's not the answer that came to mind, but that was a whole aside about dishwashers and towels. Mm-Hmm. . Um, the thing that I have learned in this relationship mm-hmm. , is that I am, and I can be much less reserved and to myself and, um, trying to put on the appearance of whatever normal is supposed to mean. Like, that's, that's my public persona under my legal name.
Like, I don't say a lot and I have pretty sarcastic way about me, but very few people get to see that. And it's always very reserved. Like people who know me under my legal name think I don't know how to get a, have a good time. And they're right. I don't. But as a kinky person and with a partner that I trust completely. And I guess I never realized that I had never been around somebody I trusted completely before I have learned that I am and can be a weird bitch. Like I .
I have have learned how to be more, whoever my true self is now, I still have a lot of fear and should go to therapy about letting that be seen outside of very controlled circumstances with JB always to the point he's exhausted. Okay. With y'all, with a camera and a mic between us. Like, I don't have to look anybody in the eye. Um, and it's been freeing. It's been a mind fuck. But it's been very freeing to kind of realize, oh, this is, this is who I am when all the guard is let down.
Mm-Hmm when I trust completely. And I know that even if you piss me off, I still love you. Even when I piss you off, you still love me that we're not gonna 99.99% of the time, we're not gonna throw past things in our faces. Doesn't - Matter how mad I am at you, dear, I'll still give you my diet - Coke. I clearly . And you were God love you, the shittiest version of yourself in that argument. And some people would've clung to the ob, but he gave me the Diet Coke.
I was like, oh, I'll take the diet Coke. But we also still have to have the conversation. And I still need an apology. Thank you. Um, but see, yeah, that's the other thing that I've learned that I'm a lot, I knew I was strong. 'cause I had, I knew I had like mental and emotional fortitude on some things. I just thought strength was keep going when shit gets rough. Or do the the thing even when you don't feel like doing it. Mm-Hmm. . I mean, there's something to that.
But the strength that I've kind of discovered is I can go toe to toe with you. I who hate confrontation. I who don't ever want my daddy to be upset with me. And that's not just because I'm trying to be a good submissive, it is also the childhood trauma. Like there's, but when I'm safe, this is who I am. Mm-Hmm. . And that has been a bit of a mind fuck, but also very liberating also. That is why I tell you frequently you only have yourself to blame .
You did this. Fuck. There's a part of me that wishes that maybe, um, a a a tone slightly toned down version of this I felt safe to do in other places and in other ways. Mm-Hmm. . Um, not to everybody, everybody don't deserve it. But you know, that I could be bold outside of what you know, you and I, um, I'm not, I don't know if I'll ever get there. I know I'm not there yet. Mm-Hmm. . But the fact that I have this in me, and this is a very good part of who I am.
It's, it's been interesting to discover because I've always been weird in my head. I just never really had the freedom and luxury to say the weird shit out loud. Mm-Hmm. or as poor JB has has learned. Is it stemming? Is it fidgeting? I don't know. But there's a lot of movement. Both of my vocal cords in my body, just if I'm standing still , I'm just things I would never let anybody else see. And you get to see it all. Aren't you so lucky? . . So, okay. Oh my goodness. Okay.
How do you think I've changed since we first met? Mm. - Oh my. How have - You changed? I would say on, on a couple things. Um, when I first met you, you were very rigid about how certain things were to be done. I would - Still like to be rigid like that. This is, - I would still like to this, you you, when it, when it came to doing things, you were very one truism - Only about the shit that is important to me. Not how everybody else should be doing shit. Just to be clear.
- And, and you, I - Like routines - And, and you've kind of mellowed on that a little bit. And, and you're more, - There's something freeing about saying and believing and then living, Hey, somebody else is in charge here. I don't have to decide the thing. I don't have to figure this out and then do it the one way I figure it out. Even though sure there are other ways, but this is the way that brings me comfort. 'cause I know it'll work every fucking time. She says neuro divergently, um, .
But, um, so yeah. I mean, I could, I was safe with you. Yeah. I mean, that's my big thing. All of the, the past couple questions, I'm safe with you. Yeah. You, um, are competent. You, uh, think things through almost as much as I do. You're just less obsessive about it. Like you're you're healthier about it. Okay. . Um, and so I could kind of let go.
'cause like for all kinds of reasons, previous marriage, just my life before you, the only sense of comfort I had and control I had was that I could get, I could do all the things that the world expected of me and that was the demands that were placed upon me. But I had to do it in a way, in a, in a certain way. And 'cause I couldn't trust other people 'cause they could not be trusted to care about it.
To, I mean, married to somebody for almost a decade who would not do the simplest thing, wouldn't even come up with his own fucking way, let alone try and do it my way. And everything had to get done and it was all on my shoulders. And so I had to fucking find a way. Mm-Hmm. . And then you come into my life and I go, but yes, I will be your submissive and let's figure out what the fuck about things .
But quicker than I think a younger version of me would ever have been able to do it, but slower than I think you would've liked. Mm-Hmm. I let go. I was like, yes, I can trust him. He can't. He has a responsible fucking adult who actually cares about my best interest as much as himself. And, you know, does doesn't mean we don't still, you know, sometimes snipe at one over over how the dishwasher is loaded. But the freedom.
- I think that bothered you a little bit more than, than you're admitting to because you keep bringing that same instance up over and over again. It's fine. - Um, The the sense of safety that you gave me, I could let go. I'm not perfect at it. I'm, uh, the higher the stress, the more I try, I get more rigid. I get. Mm. Um, part of our argument was about a lot of the changes going on around here and how I basically think I'm failing every day and I don't know what the right answer is.
And so my brain is constantly trying to figure out what's the right path. There is no right path. I just gotta fucking do something and figure it out as we go. But I don't like that. Um, and you know, it's a thing that in when I'm outta my comfort zone, when I don't feel safe Mm-Hmm. and that can mean a lot of things. I always feel safe with you. I always feel safe in our relationship.
But when I'm out on a limb and doing something that I have, don't know what the fuck I'm doing, I don't feel safe. And so then I go back to being rigid. But that is a lot less often and we resolve it a lot faster, if that makes sense. Mm-Hmm. it's still within me. , you being you is what allows me to relax a little bit and go, I am the submissive. I do not have to make decisions on certain things. What does daddy want? And then life beco does sometimes become simpler for that.
Mm-Hmm. , we are in some uncharted territory and things that are outside of our power exchange. The one thing that is outside of our power exchange is parenting. 'cause it has to be. Yeah. Like, it just, in my mind, it just fucking has to be. Um, but it, so it means it's the place I have to, we have to come together and compromise in a way we as Yeah. We, we compromise in our power exchange. Mm-Hmm. we, because that's, that works for us. Sure.
But ultimately you have the final say in this, we have to figure out where we agree and then figure out on the places we disagree and meet somewhere in the middle is okay to disagree and have our own way. And it's still like, and it's, uh, yeah. I mean, there's a part of me that would love to throw it at you and go, just fucking decide that part of me is the submissive baby girl. The mother in me is like, I, I can't that, I can't let that go. I can't do that. Yeah. Go. We can't do that.
I have to be in this decision making process. Mm-Hmm. and whatever. So yeah. I, yeah. I still, I still struggle with the rigidity. It's still there. And in any other scenario, oh, I'm rigid as fuck. But with you No, I don't have to be. So, okay. So how do I think you've changed since we first met? Mm. You, um, the one, the changes I've seen have actually not been about our relationship. I've gotten so much older, shush, . The changes I've seen aren't really about our relationship.
I've seen you, um, more vulnerable over the years and that's just proximity. That was just meant to happen because of time when we first got together and when we first moved in together, you consistently presented as super strong, super competent, super capable in charge daddy dom and then life would happen. And, and that couldn't continue when, when your sister got sick, right? Mm-Hmm. like that was the first time there was a crack in that facade because that's just how life is sometimes.
Um, over the years outside of the, the big hard moments I've seen it when you're just uncertain. Like you don't even know what the right path is. And we're trying to figure it out together. Um, and it's funny because when that happens, I get to kind of slot myself into that helper role that I like with you. Mm-Hmm. where I'm like, okay, I'm gonna support whatever decision you make. Here are the options. Here's what I think, blah, blah, blah.
Let me take off of your shoulders as much as I can so that, you know, you can then do what you need to do as, as the daddy. Um, and I've, that's been subtle because you were always able to be vulnerable with me once we kind of got to a point in our relationship and, you know, there's, we developed that intimacy of just being real with one another very early on.
The biggest change I've seen in yous actually as a parent, because when the oldest hit the terrible teenagers , those terrible, terrible teenage years, you did what a lot of parents do. Um, that I had done my best to break that habit of when the boys were much, much younger. Which is you fell back on the parenting, you remembered Mm-Hmm. , which was not healthy and certainly not how we were moving forward. And it was a source of strife for us.
Um, because you wanted to just drop the hammer, insist that, because you said a thing, a kid should do a thing, your word was law. I'm like, yes. Mm-Hmm. between you and me. Sure. And even I'm gonna back talk. I got questions sometimes , um, and over time and mm-Hmm. through a through a lot of strife between us. Um, 'cause it it was a painful thing to be on. Yeah. Such opposite ends of this. Um, you mellowed Mm-Hmm. you did your own like self-education of like, what are my options?
You listened to me, which was like the most important thing because I was like, look, I don't have all the fucking answers either, but I know how I was raised and one that kid over there, he'll go down swinging this, this is not gonna work. But two, I know how fucked up I am. So why would I do the same thing expecting a different result?
So, you know, we, we figured it out together and, and we're still figuring it out because what if you have kids and they're little and you hadn't figured this out yet. Whatever you did with that first one, throw that shit out for the next one. It's not gonna fucking work. . They're two different people and they will defy all of the rules you think, you know. So we're back to it. But on a much mellower Yes. Way.
Um, but yeah, I, watching you change as a parent has been really gratifying because one, it meant that you would let me influence you. Mm-Hmm. two that you, you were not so rigid and stuck in the old way That only, I mean, every time I could, I could sense that what I was hearing from you in a parenting role was your father - . Oh God. I, - And I would just, when I could calmly go, I know you remember that from about 50 years ago. How'd that work out for you? - . . Yeah.
- You know better. So you do better. It's, yeah. So that, I think that's been the most gratifying change. 'cause there were absolutely times early on when, oh, that 13-year-old just make you wanna pinch their little fucking heads off. Anyway, I love my children. Um, where I worried I did worry. I was like, how do we get through these hard years of parenting when we cannot get on the same page when you were still stuck in that old way?
And I promise you, y'all, I'm not saying my way is right or perfect all the time. Mm-Hmm. . But I just knew there had to be another fucking way. I was apparently gentle slash conscious parenting before there was a term for it. Like, I just went, okay, this is a little human being in front of me. And so I will treat that little human being as if they are a human being worthy of respect. Let's just have a conversation. The turning point for you is when I went, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
If this was me and you, we would use our communication skills to talk it through. Why do our communication skills not apply over here? Yeah. In a different way. Age appropriate. Mm-Hmm. . And then I, I feel like that was a light bulb moment for you. It was, it's all still, we're still, it was trial and error. Mm-Hmm. . And we still fuck it up and, you know, have to apologize for shit and whatever. But yeah, that's the thing. I feel like I've seen you change the most and I love it.
I'm grateful for it makes me feel less alone because that would be really hard if we were trying to parent in completely different ways. Mm-Hmm. that are in direct opposition to one another. I just, um, I will wait for you to come back after you let miss thing out the back door. I'm just grateful she's not a wooing in the background. I'm - Shocked. But then again, if I'd waited much longer, - She would have, I would be Yes. Yes. She's royalty. She does not open her own doors.
She should not have to wait for anybody. Right. If she has to call out for us, we have failed. - Yeah. As - Per servant. - Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay. - Okay. I'm afraid of this one. If there's one thing you wish people knew about me, what would it be?
- Hmm. You know, this, this was one of those questions where, you know, I saw it when you showed me these and I'm like, oh my gosh, what do I, and, and I, I think what I, I am gonna end up going with is, and, and gonna remove the, the online community from this.
And I, I think that, um, you know, when it comes to in-person community, you know, some of the times that you have, uh, come out with me, you know, in had - Been so awkward, , - And, and I just wish, you know, that people, uh, would understand that you, you know, can be funny. You're witty and, and you're interesting to talk to. And, and you know, when, when we're out, other than when we're doing an event, so to speak Mm-Hmm.
, you know, for, for the kry or something like that, you know, when you're, when you're doing that, you're very energized. - Right. It's performative. Okay. I'm, I'm, I'm Kayla Lord's performing so that you'll please buy something for us - . And, and, you know, and when we're, you know, just going out for the sake of going out, you'll not like that.
So that's why I say I, I think you know that people would understand that, you know, - Here, and here's, and this is, I probably need literal years of therapy. Part of it is this is who, this is a version of who I am. This is a true to me. My kink self is my truest self. So what y'all get to see in here is of still filtered. Like I'm not, I'm an adult who understands a little bit about the internet. There's still a filter, but it is mostly exactly who I am.
JB gets to see the full unfiltered thing. . That's why his hair has grayed so much. Um, - Yeah. - But in person, first of all, I always kind of go, I don't think the in-person community really wants me to show up as Kayla Lords. 'cause Kayla Lords has shit to say and just is happy to just be allowed to talk. She doesn't actually need your feedback. She'll take it later when she has time to process it. And I can, I can fucking take over.
And so I, part of it is, I don't wanna disrespect another community leader's space and their, what they're trying to do by fucking taking over. Um, but two, I also still have this thing that I've had my whole fucking life. That my truest self is too much. It's a lot. It's, it's a lot. Y'all, y'all get it in the doses that you want. When I'm too much for you, you can fucking turn me off and come back later. Right? You can go, okay, not this fucking week.
We'll try again next week. And, and that's fine. Like, I don't, I don't mind, like I kinda wish I could do that to people and be like, okay, I'm, I'm good now. I'm gonna walk away. Maybe that is what I do when I don't text my family back anyway. . Um, but I, I still have this internal thing of you're gonna be too much. People are gonna be overwhelmed and not in a good way. People will see the real you and then they get to have form a real opinion about you.
If you do not see the real me, then your opinion of me doesn't matter. 'cause I know I haven't let you see it. Right? So being out in person with her under my legal name or as Kayla Lords, if I am reserved, you're gonna think what you're gonna gonna think. And it'll still bother me. 'cause I will absolutely go, oh my God, they think I'm so awkward and I'm so standoffish and I'm not trying to be, I just don't know how to people sometimes. Um, and I can handle that.
'cause I know it's not based on real information about me. But if I show up publicly as all, well this then I, I who amm constantly watching people and I'm hyper aware. Like I know where it comes from. I know I do it, but then I get to see when people go, oh no, I don't like that. Or I get to see when people go, oh, this, I'm overwhelmed by the like, and I, I just, I am not mentally well enough to handle that. I wish I was, I would love to fucking show up as my, my mostly full self.
Like, there's always gonna be part of me that I hold back just for JB or sometimes just for myself. Like, we all get that. I, but I'm, I have not yet become brave enough. I can do it. Ask k the Lords if I got the mic, if I'm the one standing in front of you. And the whole point is you are sitting there listening to me and you are meant to be there. I can do it because then I'm like, I feel like I'm in control of this situation. You will walk away and think what you think. That's fine.
But this is me controlling as much as I can about that. Yeah. And yeah. Do I need a therapist again? Of course I do. . Of course I do. I'm aware. Um, so what is something I wish people knew about you? Y'all know this. I think so. Like you, I'm gonna take our online community out of this. 'cause I think y'all get glimpses of this very often. I wish more people understood just how playful and silly you are. I want to talk, y'all can accuse me of ratting all you want.
, false lies, libel, defamation. Who do I have to sue? But you have a cheeky braddy little like side to you that is, I mean, is it sometimes torture? 'cause I'm like, oh my God, he's stronger than me. Can I get away from this ? But it's also fucking delightful.
'cause your, your eyes get like, they light up like with glee, with sadistic glee and you'll giggle and you'll, you'll, I mean, you are not thankfully the type of dominant in a kink space that you, I don't get the vibe that you feel like you need to project an air of anything quite frankly. Mm-Hmm. I think too many people overlook you because you are fairly quiet and laid back. Mm-Hmm. . And you do not feel like you need to lead a conversation. Why would he have to? He has me. Okay. .
It's a service I provide anyway, . Um, except when I'm feeling awkward and we're in person, but whatever, whatever. But you still, when people know that you are a dom, they see you through whatever their lens of dominance means. Right. And so they see you being quiet. Mm-Hmm. . So they might think, oh, he's the strong silent type he is. Okay. He does not have near as much to say as I do. Thank God we could not deal with it if we were both at this level together all the time.
Um, but there are times you do right? Like you Mm-Hmm. , you let your silly side come out. You let your playful side come out. You let the very mischievous side of yourself come out and - It's not Oh yeah. And I, I, I do tend to bring that out in, in a number of ways. I mean, I've um, often been joking lately about how I very easily be a, a bratty daddy. - Yes. I made the shirt just for you. Yeah. I need to order it for you. But still - .
Oh, okay. Alright. You know, you can be a - Bratty daddy - And, and you know, at, at times even, um, you know, I've em embraced the fact that I am a smart ass sadist. - Yes. Yes. - . - Yes. I think that people see you as being quiet and, and they think they, they kind of dismiss you in their minds or that you're unassuming and it's like, actually just scratch the surface just a little bit. Okay. He will quote all the song lyrics at you and tell you what years those albums came out.
And did he go to their concert and Yes. And does he have the T-shirt? Sure. , um, like, - And in some cases still have the ticket stubs. - I know think he's not a hoarder, but he could, he could be . Um, but yeah, like there's a side to you that, that the, the non kink world almost never gets to see. Mm-Hmm. . Which is fine. Most of our world is kinky. Yeah. Um, and I think that people who are super close to you in your kink world get to see bits of it.
I get to see most of it. 'cause I I'm gonna live with you. I'm married to you. We look at one another every day. Yeah. Right. Um, but I just kind of wish more people, one part of it's 'cause I want more people to understand that dominance, big D dominance is not, I'm gonna stand here and kind of glare a little - Bit. It's, I've got nothing to say. It's not luster and Yeah. - Ugh. No, that would be such a turn off to me. It is such a turn off to me.
It's, it's the quiet confidence, which you, you do have. And I think people who are attuned to that, they see that Mm-Hmm. , but then they don't see, oh my god, this little devilish grin and then giggle and then you follow that up with action and it's like, this is delightful. But also this is physically painful. . I'm not sure I can handle it, but you're having a good time. So let's - Keep going. . - Um, . So yeah. - . Yeah. - Yeah. Okay. Next. Is this Okay. Alright.
This is the last question and that's why these were like so random to me because Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. , they didn't seem to have like a, a path we were going down and then it just ends here. So, and I would love to hear this as your sassy baby girl. - Mm-Hmm. . - What would a day of completely spoiling me look like? - Hmm. Okay. Um, it would start out with a special coffee from our favorite local place. - Oh - Yeah. Okay. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. , you know, 'cause that that's a, that's a real,
- It's it's an $8 fucking coffee too. So that's being - Well worth it. Well worth it. But yeah, it's not something you wanna do every day. Um, and, and I think I would have a spa day, you know. Okay. Massage. - I didn't have to schedule it. - No, - I didn't have to pay for it. - No. Okay. - I'm here for it. - . Okay. You know, the massage, the, the pedicure, the whole, okay. Alright. And uh, then a diet Coke from your favorite fountain place. - See, it kills me. 'cause I
wish McDonald's could have the good ice. Like I just need, - You want the ice of one in the, the diet coke of the other? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then I need it to be as gigantic as you can get from like Circle K or Wawa. Like Yeah. It needs to be bigger than my head. Yeah. - And, uh, then, then take you out for a nibble. Whatever you were inclined to nibble on. Well, don't make - Me figure it out. Don't make me make a decision. - Okay. I'll spin the wheel. Oh, - Not the fucking wheel.
- . And uh, then take you to the library and just push you out the car and have a good time. Enjoy. Find some books, , - I mean, yeah. - Or a bookstore. Barnes and Noble, you know? - Yeah, yeah. Or just like handing my phone, open my Kindle app and just sit me in the corner. Yeah. You go read those bear shifters. Maybe I'll just read - About those - Bear shifters. - - And the wolf shifters and the dragon shifter. Yeah. I'm, I'm a shifter kind of girl. That's my jam.
But yeah. Yeah, yeah. No, I get what I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying. Yeah. Um, I need to know, will there be study impact in my life on this day of being spoiled? - That, that would be another way to, uh, yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Mm-Hmm. . Yep. Yep. - So that, that's my day. That's - Your day. I'm - Here for it. Okay. Here for it. Alright.
I am, um, I can't, there's a term for the type of person this is, and I can't remember what it is, but I'm, I'm that often that type of person who's like, please don't tell me the good thing that I can't have. 'cause then I have to realize that there's a good thing that I just can't - . - But I know that I can have a trip to the library or the freedom to read my book and I know I can have a diet coke. Mm-Hmm. . So I can still get some of it. And the study impact. Okay. So spoiling you. Mm-Hmm.
hilariously. And not at all shocking. The first is the iced coffee for you from the special place we never go to. Right. Because it is so fucking expensive. . Um, so good. Could we get a small coffee and save? Sure. But why would we do that? Who gets a small coffee? Um, so yes, we're absolutely, - One sip is just a tease. Oh - God. So we're absolutely getting the, the special coffee. Mm-Hmm.
for you. I'm part of it is 'cause I, I already kind of try to do this and I have to like, actually do what you want and can't just decide. I would want to get things done. So you don't have to do any of them like Mm-Hmm. Your responsibilities. So, um, you would not do laundry. I would do all the laundry and put it away. Mm-Hmm. You would not have to cook or do dishes. I would do both. Like, I want to get as much done for you. So you have the freedom of not doing that.
I know at some point I need to, like, you're gonna shove me in a library or a bookstore. I'm gonna sit you down and let you put your music on and be like, sing to your heart's content. . Uh, here's your favorite game to play while you zone out. Mm-Hmm. have your time. Mm-Hmm. . That's gonna be part of it. Um, I'm absolutely either gonna cook you some food or take you someplace to eat, but you're my daddy do. So you have to decide. Oops. Sorry. You have to decide. You.
I can't, like, you gotta tell me where you want to go or what you want to eat. Panos, there we go. Hang on. See? Um, and I know you're gonna get a calzone. I know how you are. . Um, there would be more than one iced coffee in the day. This man does not just have one iced coffee or fucking gimme. Um, and then there would be a kink scene, but I again, would not plan that. Yeah. That is, that is not what we do - Here. But you'd be offering it up. - I would be offering it up.
And I would let you know that the only toy slash sensations that are needed are your preferred. So it would be the stingy, the Bernie, the, oh my God, I don't know if I can handle this anymore. . Um, because I know that even with all of that freedom, you're still, you're not gonna like take, have me be done in five minutes up and at my limit and I'm safe wording out. You're gonna like, take care of me in that. But it's gonna be like, it's not gonna be any of me whining. Where's the th panel?
And don't, why don't you love me ? Unless I thought that I would, you would enjoy that and then I would give that to you. But like, you're a bastard, but I love you , um, . So yeah, that's Mm-Hmm. , that's kind of how I, I feel like that would go Mm-Hmm. . Okay. - Yeah. And you know, you could throw a record shop in there too. - Oh God. Oh. Oh. And technically we call it the vape shop, but yeah, it's the THC Delta eight shop. Come on now. . Um, yeah.
And then you would absolutely need to smoke a, like a, a big bowl. Like just don't, don't . I know. You ration your stuff out so it will last as long as possible. Yeah. And I know why we do that. Okay. We are broke ass bitches. But, uh, , I would be like, no, no, no, no, no. We will replenish. Smoke a big one. Have a good time. Mm-Hmm. . Uh, I also, 'cause you told me how you do this, I'd be like, and here's a gummy . Keep having a good time. . Mm-Hmm. .
Mm-Hmm. . Now if we are in fantasy realm of, because that is fantasy 'cause we're broke ass bitches. But that is doable. We could achieve that if the money Gods favorite us. Mm-Hmm. . But the fantasy, fantasy of being spoiled. Oh, it's a, a kinky fuckery scene. Uh, there's two, I'm I'm being double domed here. Double topped, however you wanna look at it. Mm. Um, things are going in probably all of the aura fists or phi or facade . I don't know how to, how the plural of an orifice.
Um, and you are like controlling it all , like a sadistic conductor. Um, and all of my favorite songs are like on the playlist for, for singing, music. All my favorites are there. And I think we would both be mutually spoiled Yeah. With that. Yeah. That one is definitely more in the realm of pure fantasy because this anxious bitch took six months to let this man in the walls enough to see her naked.
I don't know, how we find people who will put up with the, uh, whatever, whatever it is that I need to feel comfortable to get at least close enough to be part of the scene. But, and then to do all of the sexy fucky kry. Like what are words anymore? Those things. Those things. I don't know how that would ever happen. That is, I feel like we would be spoiling each other if we did that because it's one of our mutual fantasies. But the rest that's doable.
And I think, you know, we just work, we work towards them. I just love that it, for both of us, it starts out with the coffee . - Hey, come on. I mean, you know, coffee is my love language. . - So Mm-Hmm. that those are the answers to the questions. That was it. That's question. There weren't that many. - No, - They they were, they were interesting. I feel like there's a little bit of soul bearing going on. Not between us. Yeah. We, I think we knew this about each other.
Yeah. Uh, yeah. Hi, this is, this is who we really are. . Sorry. Um, so yeah, if anybody is interested in these Mm-Hmm. in these questions, like, feel, feel free to do them in your own, like relationships or whatever. Mm-Hmm. . Um, you might, you might learn some things - And, and rah, I, I have been, um, embracing my inner brat and you know, it's just this one here that - , I enjoy being sassy.
I'm happy to be sassy because, and maybe it's, I need to, I'm sure robo would say, you need to broaden your definition of what it means to brat. And I'm sure that that might be true , but I'm too desperate to be your good girl. I just, I just wanna amuse myself on the way to it. I, I want to play the, the linguistic games. Oh, you said this thing, but I still ultimately, at the end of the day, I wanna do exactly what you want me to do. And please, God, don't ask me what I wanna do.
Just tell me what I'm supposed to do, but also make sure I'm in the right head space where I know that that's what we're doing. So I don't default into mom mode where I think I have to control the thing. So like, send up a flag, let me know this is the moment. Yeah. That you are in total charge. And I can just turn my brain off and be a good girl. 'cause what that is, oh, that's my ultimate thing. It's the, I, it touches something in the people pleaser in me that's like Mm-Hmm.
. I made the one person who really fucking matters. Really Happy - . - You know, so, yeah. - Okay. - So we will do a bonus section. Mm-Hmm. . Yeah. Um, before we go, for anybody who usually knows out at the bonus section, just a reminder, the dom sub dynamics virtual summit is happening April 8th through 11th. You, there's a limited time to sign up. You can attend four free, free, free, free. Um, if you want the extra goodies and you have the budget, you can buy like an extra pass to get more.
But the education, the sessions free with your ticket. The link is in the places. Uh, podcast folks show notes. YouTube in the description box. Go forth. Get your BDSM education on April 8th through 11th. Yep. Okay. Okay. We can do a bonus section now. - Okay. Now we're good. I dunno. Keep it kinky. All keep - Itall and we'll see you next week. - Yes. - I almost forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I got so fascinated with watching you write - That down. We write numbers. Wow. Okay. Um,
- Okay. Can we talk to the crickets? - Um, yeah. Okay. Yeah. They, you, I'm sure they probably missed us not being around Nick last week. I, - One would hope if you consider yourself a cricket, I have to assume you, you probably missed a little bit of this. Maybe not all of this Moment. Little bit. Yeah. I don't, it's, I don't want, I'm not trying to be cheeky and go, I don't have anything to say.
I don't, the last thing I did before we started doing any of this was I was reading Bear Shifter erotic romance. Mm-Hmm. . And I was in it . And she was about to, with a broken leg, get on the floor and give somebody a blow job. And I know that their instinct is gonna be to scoop her up. See, and this is my favorite, favorite thing. I'm so sorry. Podcast listeners. You're like, I feel like I've just entered half halfway through a conversation you have.
I was talking about this in the live stream at the very top. The thing is, and and this has been delightful in this series I'm reading the author is Sam Hall. S-A-M-H-A-L-L, Sam Hall. I think the series is called Ursa Shifters. They're bear shifters. Um, um, um, this is not the first book in this series where they, she did this, but it is the one I've sort of, I think liked the most. We have a, we have a plus size woman who is not 19. Okay.
I, they never say her exact age, but I think she's around 30, 29, 31, somewhere in there. And she is getting, she's a fictional character. Y'all and I know this, but she is getting one of my deepest fantasies. And I know other plus-sized people who have had a similar fantasy. These men are so beefy, brawny, burley, they can pick her up.
I have been too big to pick up since I was about a toddler to the point that when somebody has tried in the past, it's freaked me the fuck out because what is happening here? And then they didn't. And I was terrified I was going to be humiliated when they couldn't do the thing they were claiming they could do and they just scoop her up. They just scoop her up.
And I'm like, ah, I do not speak for everybody who would consider themselves plus size, uh, overweight, fat, whatever word you wanna use. But I know that all, all, all the good romances, somebody's getting scooped up. And it's usually a very thin woman who, you know, could be easily tossed over shoulders by slightly brawny, slightly big. These are bears and they toss her over their shoulder. And I'm like, I too would like a six foot seven bear shifter in human form to pick me up.
I'm fucking here for that. The bears, not those bears. I don't want those bears . So that's what's been on my mind. Mm. And will I need to put timestamps into the live stream after this? Yes. Will I need to remember to go maybe eat something even though your spaghetti sauce is simmering and still so fucking good? Yes. But also I need to know what happens next in this book. I know what's gonna happen in the end. It's romance. It's a happy ever after. I'm good.
It's not the ending I'm trying to get to. It's how the fuck we got there. This one was angsty - From like, it's the, just, it's not the destination. It's, it's the journey. It's the journey. Right. - This one was angsty from the beginning in a good way. Like in a way that sucked me in. I don't usually like angst 'cause I'm like, I don't read to be stressed out. But also there was tension, there was, I could relate to this character.
I don't need to relate to the characters to have a good time, but man, when I do relate to them, I have a better time. Like I just, oh, yeah. Anyway. Anyway. So that's, where's my line been? . - Well, okay. - Um, well, you said something recently that hit home, and I think I'm doing it with reading. You were like, I, you, it was when you were listening to your music, you're like, I need to listen to my music and disassociate while I play my game.
I just, that's what I need. And I'm doing that with reading. Like, reality is really fucking hard right now. , almost nothing makes sense. I can't fix anything. Nothing is going to plan. And so I've gotten into this probably not great habit of, um, not focusing and not thinking and not remembering that time exists or that I exist because there's a book to be read that is much more interesting than reality. So, oh, - . - Yeah. - Yeah. - Mm-Hmm. . - It's okay though. Break was break was breaky.
- Yeah. I - Mean, we still kind of worked. I took a lot of half days. Like I do a little work. - You took more time than me. It, it's difficult for me with the breaks because unfortunately the shop still keeps going - And I was still sending out orders and doing stuff Yeah. On the website. - But yeah, so, you know, I did did a lot of that. Um, I think my big day was last Wednesday because you know, we usually have Wednesdays slated for, um, doing this.
And it wasn't, you know, I blew the day off. - Yeah. We went and did stuff - Stuff together. Did we? We went and did stuff. Yeah. You - Remembering that correctly, right? Mm-Hmm. . - Yeah. Okay. - Yep. Yeah, we took the full day off kind of together. That was nice. Yeah. That was nice. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. . And we're gonna take a half day together on Friday. Correct. So, - Excuse me. - But, - But yeah. I mean, it was nice. I, you know. Yeah. - Mm-Hmm. . I, yeah. I dunno what to tell.
Sorry. Y'all . - Uh, - It's one because we're in this weird in-between time where it's been so long ago that I don't remember what we've already talked about. Yeah. Also, we were recording stuff for our Patreon folks and that, so then I, I'm like, I know I said this, but did, did I say this for Patreon? ? I say this somewhere else, I dunno. , uh, Lola is now snoring off to the side. She's - Right next to - Me. Oh, she's right next to you. I thought she was across the room. Okay.
- No, no. She's right next to me. - Okay. She's snoring. - When, when she came in she wanted attention. I was scratching her chin and, you know, scratching her ears and then she'd just lay down and - We were recording Monday's video slash podcast episode. And, um, she sat down by my feet, which she doesn't usually do. And then like, licked my toes. I was like, I guess it's better than you all wooing in the background and me having to try and edit that out. - Right.
- Silent mention in the live chat. Patreon game night. Mm-Hmm. this Friday. It's something we do through Patreon for folks in the $5 and up tiers. Um, where yeah. We play right this year. Last year we were playing a lot of Cards Against Humanity and then the sites we were trying to use kept like - Glitching. Oh - God. Awful. Awful. Um, and so this year we're playing Jackbox games.
Um, I don't know which ones we're playing this week, but we do it, it's a monthly game night thing through our Patreon. Um, yeah. That's, that's why we're part of why we're taking half a day. Because normally we would go do like run errands, like to buy stuff for the house or whatever. If we're not, if we don't wanna do it on the weekend, we'll do it on like Friday night and no, we'll be playing a game then. Mm-Hmm. . So we're gonna - Yeah.
And I mean, for me, lately, right now I've been doing a lot of, a lot of yard work. Mm-Hmm. , you know, spring is sprung and uh, - We, we need to, you're having to do yard work in the way that's like not great for your back. True. Um, we have a riding mower. It was, it was passed down to us from my aunt and uncle when they got a new one or they went to a lawn service, something, they didn't need it - Anymore. They, they, yeah. They, when they moved they decided they're not gonna do the lawn.
They gonna have a lawn service. Lawn service - Do it. Yeah. Um, it needs a new battery and we just need to get the battery . Mm-Hmm. . But until we get the battery, JB uses, it's not a, I call it a push mower. That's 'cause I'm old. Okay. It's - Not, it's Yeah. So propelled it's you, we walk behind. - Look, I, when we go uphill, I feel like I'm pushing. So I don't know what to tell you. Um, - Then you're doing it wrong - Probably. So - , - No doubt.
Um, and normally we, we now do lawn work together, but this past weekend, so we had the big, big fight Friday evening, we were recovering and not doing well and not speaking on Saturday. - Right. - So Sunday we were in a truce - - And both the yard work needed to get done and the groceries needed to get got. We had not done it Friday night. We - Got Saturday. - Um, and so we had to divide and conquer. Yeah. So he did the yard, yard work. Oh no. And I went to Aldi. Oh no.
- . - Uh, . I definitely got the better end of the deal, so - Yeah, no, there's, there's, there's been a lot of, uh, a lot of yard work this spring. Um, but we got all the, all the bushes around the house trimmed up. - We're trying to deal with the weeds. Yeah. That spread from the neighbor's yard into - Our yard. - But they, this was it this week or last week? - Last week. - God, what is time?
Um, basically had their entire there, it was nothing but weeds had their entire lawn ripped up and sauted. Yeah. Um, and so now the patch of weeds that came to us from their side, - From their side now trying to get rid of it so it doesn't go back and reinfect them with the new - And also looks like, it looks like it's a, an US problem. Yeah. And I'm like, it is our problem now. Sure. Mm-Hmm. - . But - This did not start with us.
Um, so yeah. We're, we're getting to fight the, the fun battle with weeds both front and back. The front is just this kind of patchy area. It's not the whole on, thank God the back , - The back, the back has, has taken a worse hit. Yeah. Um, gotta understand with the front yard, have a very, very large old growth Laurel Oak in the front yard and it, it keeps the front shaded. Um, our backyard here gets the full brunt of sun. And last year when we had our extended 113 degree days Mm-Hmm.
Um, you know, the, um, irrigation could not keep up with it. No, no. And, uh, a lot of the, the lawns worse for wear and tear because of that in the backyard. So, you know, it, it kind of is what it is. - Yeah. And we talked about looking at more kind of sustainable natural ground covering. Mm-Hmm. problem is, is there's no real way to keep it to our yard. Yeah. It's gonna go into neighboring yards and that's probably not what they want. Mm-Hmm. . And so I don't - Know.
Yep. So, but yeah, I've been doing that, you know, and, and the big oak tree in the front. - Oh yeah. You had to trim that. - It was, it was, you know, kind of hanging down a little lower than wanted. So we, uh, basically went around, gave it a bowl, cut it. - Yeah. Right around as high as he could get whatever he was using to trim. Yeah.
- Just, - Yeah. And this is the time of year where all of the tree service folk come out and knock on your door or leave things in your mailbox or at your front door about how they can help you, blah, blah blah. Yeah. And we would love to get a tree service out to do what needs to be done with that thing. But it was like, no, we'll just, we'll just get our six foot ladder and this what, - And nine foot, - Whatever that thing's called - Pole pruner pole fall.
- Right. And give our tree a bowl cut. Um, - Yeah. I mean, eventually gonna have to have a professional come in and, and do some of the stuff that I can't get to, but Yeah. You know? Yeah, I know they get up there with their cherry picker and climb the tree and do whatever they gotta do and - It's a massive trail. Oh, it's - Huge. Yeah. - Oh my god. Oh my god. And the canopy of this tree, it just fucking, it's - An, it's an old growth oak. Yep. Yeah. So, so - Yeah. - Perennial peanuts - Hmm.
For ground cover. That's, that's all your territory. Yeah, no, I just smile and look pretty and put my little hat on and go, what, what do you need me to do? And can I do it without touching anything dirty? Um, yeah. Yeah. So Yeah. - Yeah. It's pretty much been, been my life - Of late. Yeah. The oldest has borrowed my car while his bike is in the shop. Yes. Uh, - It's yeah. Kind of, kind of hidden.
I, I had been helping him as much as I could with the bike with some things he's had going and, um, kind of got to a point it was beyond my scope, , so he had to put it in the shop. Yeah. - And now we're waiting. Yeah. He's crazy busy with all the stuff he has with classes, performances and work. So I don't know when he'll get his bike back. I don't even know if he'll get it back the day it's ready to be gotten back. Yeah. - Like . Yeah. - And then we'll have to go pick up our car, but, Mm-Hmm.
. Yeah. So - Yeah. That's been been about it. Mm-Hmm. - . Mm-Hmm. . I got nothing. I don't know. I don't know. I, we, it was, today's dream was a bit of a roller coaster in a good way. And now I'm like coming down from it and I'm like, what are words? I don't know. . Um, but we're here. We're back. Mm-Hmm. things are back to normal. We did a lot of recording today. Yeah. Which we will call, we'll end the day early for us.
Um, 'cause of that. 'cause there's, we're, we'll be exhausted very shortly recorded two things for Patreon Monday. This. - Yep. Yep, yep, yep. - It's - Busy. Busy day. Mm-Hmm. . God. So glad you took a break and come back to uh, working like damn fools . - I like working like a damn - Fool though, . - It makes me feel good most of the time. So all that being said, we're gonna go. Yep. Uh, but we're back. Mm-Hmm. . Um, and I can't think of anything else to say.
- Glad to, uh, have y'all join us. Yep. - Always glad for that. Mm-Hmm. . Especially when you stick around to the bitter end. Yep. And we'll talk to y'all later. All right. Bye. - Bye. Bye.