You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast, episode four thirty five. Kayla Lords here with the one, the only, the sleepy, eepy John Brownstone who's a true trooper because, you don't really you're not really all awake with us, but you're here and I appreciate you. Had a shitty night's sleep last night. I know. I know. Insomnia, my best friend. Yeah. He's come to sit with me again. Mhmm. Yeah. I I believe insomnia is more of a frenemy. Mhmm. Putting that out there.
So I've been asked to keep us on point today. Uh-huh. Look. I'm gonna take it on as a task. I'm gonna do my best. Just do what daddy says. I've gotta try. We're all fucking hard. That is not what we're here for this week. This week, the topic comes from actual multiple questions we have received recently from submissives who have introduced their partner to a specific type of dynamic and then are hesitant to, like, say, I need more. I want this. They are they too much? Are they
too needy? They they're y'all are having the feels out there, and so we're gonna talk about that. Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this is your first time listening, glad to have you. If you're back for another week, welcome back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday and Friday for your kinky pleasure in education, and show notes are found at lovingbdsm.net. I'm back often and feel free to add
the podcast to your favorite podcast app. You can also follow the show on Fetlife at loving BDSM PC on Instagram and, technically, threads at that handle I will forever fucking hate. Loving d s and the number one, so at loving d s one. Oh, on blue sky at lovingBDSM. Blah blah blah, on YouTube at youtube.com/lovingBDSM, where you can watch us live stream the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in the show notes. Okay. So before we get into this week's episode, we are sponsoring us again.
We just would like to remind everybody that JB makes, kinky toys, and we sell those at the kinkery. Thekinkery.com. Most importantly, the reason mentioning it, like, now, JB's been doing a bunch of restocks. I am about to update the inventory on thick sticks Mhmm. Which is like if a cane and a wooden paddle had a baby. If you happen to go to the site before I'm able to, update the inventory, you can get on the wait list and then you'll get an email
when I do. Mhmm. You've restocked wooden knives, which are great for wax play sensation play. They are an alternative if you are like me and consider blades and sharp things like that to be a hard limit. You get some of the sensation without being worried you're going to get cut. And I know you're working on on other stuff once you get back out on the shop later this week. Tomorrow will be a whole new, yeah. I I I try to get stuff in batches Yes. To you. Yes. And
I appreciate that. Mhmm. So, whether you're brand new to us and did not know or you're like, oh, I'd forgotten, but also I'm ready to spend a little money. Thekinkery.com. That's us. We are a literal two person small business making kinky shit and selling it and shipping it. Okay? That's junk. Handmade wooden hitty shit. Hitty shit. That's our new that's our new tagline. It used to be weapons of ass destruction, but now it's just hitty shit. That that seems on brand quite frankly. That
really, really really does. Yeah. Okay. So this week's talk I'm actually gonna be referring to my notes because there were so many points that I wanted to touch on because this is not a broad topic. It's actually a fairly narrow topic, but there's a lot that can be said about it. JB's doing a lot of moving over here. Yeah. You just know I'm gonna need that mouse, right, that you've just taken away to the other side of the Well, I'm gonna need it too.
Anyway, so this the idea for this episode came as I was looking through the emails we received for our q and a episodes where folks submit cues for us to a. And I was trying to pull one for Monday's episode. And in at least two of the questions, there was an almost word for word similar situation. In these specific cases, the dom was a, caregiver, specifically daddy dom, that they had been kind
of introduced to it by their submissive. They did not know they were into it and, you know, had that moment of having to get comfortable with it. Right? But the submissive was like, hell yeah. This is my jam. And then the submissive hits a point where they're they want to ask for more. They want to do more. They want more from their daddy dom partner, but now they're like, uh-oh. I think I'm being too much. I think I'm being too
needy. And it's the similar vibe that I have seen from primarily submissives, but I have no doubt there are dominants who go through your own version of this, where you just worry you're too much. To the point that way back in episode 60 Wow. Right? Twenty sixteen That was back in the day. Twenty sixteen for anybody who wants to know. We actually talked about the too much, too needy, thing that submissives go through as some of
the myths that submissives believe about themselves. I've linked it in the places for anybody who wants to go that far back in the archive. But this was more, in that case, it was that general idea that just even mentioning your needs somehow makes you too much too needy. This is to me a much more specific thing where one partner introduces the other partner to a type of power exchange dynamic that they had not necessarily considered before.
That partner goes through some period of maybe discomfort, maybe just this is awkward because I'm new and I don't know how I feel about it yet, but then gets to the point where they're like, Yeah, we can do this. And then that original partner's like kinda gets it in their head of, maybe they don't really like it as much as they're pretending to. And if I ask for more, I'm doing too much. I'm asking for things that right. So that's this specific
conversation. Now here are from the emails, that we received, the, the quest the specific question comments from each one. For this first one, I want more of this dynamic more often, but I don't want to ask because I don't want to want him to agree just because he loves me and wants to make me happy. But but you you want them to agree to do stuff because they love you and want you to be happy. Right? Right. So They're yeah. Okay. And the next one and, y'all, these were like, I had to go check.
I was like, did somebody send the same email twice? It does not appear to me. This one says, I know that he says that he likes it, but I worry that I am now stopping him from exploring other aspects of kink because he knows how much I like him being daddy. I believe him when he says he likes taking on that role. I feel like a horrible person if I ask for more as I don't want to take advantage when he's taking on that role because he wants to make me happy because he loves me.
I'm I'm seeing a common theme here. I know. I know. Now I have not had them, I have not had in the past that kind of question come up worded quite that closely together, but the sentiment is sort of the same. Over the years, it's like, I introduced this, so am I wrong, bad, blah blah blah for wanting more than this part that I know my partner's comfortable with? So let's sort of
talk about this. And for anybody who's interested, I double checked my thinking on this because my thinking on relationships comes from all of the various sources of things I have learned including my own experience, but I wanna make sure I was sort of saying these things correctly. So I'm I'm over on therapy Jeff's Instagram account. I'm at the Gottman Institute, which is like, I don't know if they're great and amazing, but they're kind of well known relationship folks.
They're quoting Esther Perel who is like the the expert on intimacy and and, you know, sex in relationships. Like, I'm trying to get my shit together. So where this is coming from is not just that I have pulled it out of my ass. I have backed it up from others who are professionals who pulled it out of their ass. Thank you
very much. So let's talk start with the first point of this because this there's no singular place that these feelings come from, and there's no singular reason why people feel this way. But there are some things to kind of think about and also go down kind of a checklist of of where is this coming from. So the first thing that I've heard over and over and over again is that and it was a weird feeling to to thing to kinda wrap my mind around at first, but then I realized we've already done this.
It's the concept that we teach our partners how to love us, care for us, do for us the things we want them to be able to do. Correct. And it's as long as they're willing to be teachable. It you mentioned it in an episode the Monday video actually about not being a mind reader. Correct. Right? Correct. So And that and that you hear it more often referred to as to the Dom Mhmm. To the big d. Mhmm. But the same goes for for the little s. Absolutely. That whole, you know, mind reading thing goes
both ways. These specific questions, I don't think it was not the mind reading aspect because they're like, I know I've gotta say it, but I'm afraid to say it. But that, I think, is a core kind of thing to, remember in a relationship regardless of how you style your power exchange, regardless of whether it's romantic, sexual, platonic. We are teaching our partners mutually Mhmm. How to care for us. Right. And they can only do that with the information we give them about what we want and need.
Right? Mhmm. And I think that's a a a pretty clear concept. I don't think I think once if it's foreign to you, like, think about it for a minute but it kind of makes sense. You know, if you've ever been that person in a relationship who's like and I said this. I said this when I was vanilla. Well, I want flowers but I don't want to have to ask for flowers because I want you to want to get me flowers. I don't think What's wrong with that picture? I don't think that way anymore, but I
was I know I'm not alone. I know a lot of people who still think that way. And it's this idea of I kind of want you to just intuit the things I need. And Mhmm. Can you get to that point? Can Jay is after however many years now, more than a decade, can Jamie look at me sometimes and go, I know exactly what she needs? Sure. But how did he get there? Because I spent a lot of time teaching him and showing him and telling
and but wait. And, you know, it it's funny, and it and it gives me a bit of cringe, you know, whether on TikTok or or, Instagram, where I see a lot of this stuff, you know, you see a lot of women who are like, well, he should know. Oh, yeah. There's there's a lot of that out there. Why didn't he just know? Why didn't he just do? And And not to stereotype, but I think most of us can stereotype that's typically
non kink thinking. That's vanilla thinking, and it's the old, you know, cliches and paradigms and the things we have to break free from in order to have a happy, healthy, power, and shared relationship. And that's what it was. A lot of the ones that I come across like that, they all seem to be non kinky relationships. Kinky relationship. True true true. Of course you can, but that's where then you get the why am I miserable? Why am I not getting what I want? Why is my dom
not reading my mind? Why doesn't my submissive just know what they're supposed to do? Like, that's where you get the dissatisfaction because if the one of the first tenants of BDSM in any way, power exchange or just kinky play, is communication See what then we all have to use our our big kid voices and say the thing. Need one of those Times Square signs on, you know, you wear and it just scrolls, you know, what you're thinking and wanting and needing. Nope. You don't want that. You
look. I want to be able to choose what I share. Not just because sometimes I I'm a bitch in my head. Sure. But also it I got hamsters running on broken hamster wheels up here. Nobody would be able to follow that. My little board would give out and be like, nope. We can't keep up with this crazy shit. Mhmm. Mhmm. So when we talk about, power exchange and the idea of teaching our partners what we need Right.
As you're doing that, when you're new to your dynamic, whether it's the style of dynamic or power exchange in general, you are both learning simultaneously. So like in the case of these specific questions we got, they figured out and their partners said, sure, let's do this of the caregiver little kind of dynamic. And they knew to ask for things in the beginning of that, but in this case the submissives of, hey, let's do this. And it's as
of, hey, let's do this. And it's as you get that that and you maybe start to feel safer, the trust develops, you just learn more about what you want, but then you realize that you want new and more things. That is a natural progression of this. Sure. And and, you know, just like us, we are not the same people we were when we met. No. You know, how many years ago now? Two weeks ago. Yeah. At least. Something like that. I'm too
young. Yeah. And and and people change, people grow, you know, different things. And, you know, even us, we are not the same. Our, power exchange is different. Mhmm. Definitely different from what it was. We are different how we handle our power exchange. We some things we still want the same stuff, some things are a little different that we want. But the the point of it is, you know, through this growth, through this change, we have kept communicating. Mhmm. K? So we know where each one
is and what the other wants. Right. Absolutely. So that's kind of the starting point for anybody who might be recognizing themselves in some of this we're doing this thing, I want more, I don't I'm afraid to say more, right? Those kinds of things. So let's start with just keep that in your mind. We are each we are all teaching each other how we want to be treated, be loved, be whatever Mhmm. In these relationships. That's just part of it. And and the the
air quotes I won't say easiest. The simplest method, which is not the easiest because it's it is difficult, is clear communication. Just sit down at some time that works for both of you and go, hey. This is a thing I can't stop thinking about. This is a thing I'd like to try. Right? The, the ask does not mean you get it. So if the worry is too much, too demanding, too whatever, you know, that you leave that that ball in your partner's court to decide that they want to
Right? Because, go back to it, nobody's a mind reader. Right? Okay. So let's go through the sure. Go ahead. And then ahead. And then and then you gotta be careful too because you may come to me and ask me, say, you know, daddy, I I want this. I, you know, can you and I'll be like, yeah. But I'm gonna put my own little twist on it.
Oh, I know. There are times I'll actually say, I really wanna ask you for this thing, but I know some of the ways you could take this in a whole different direction, and I am now afraid to ask you this thing. And that's part of the communication process of me saying, hey. I I I wanna tell you a thing, but I'm a little uneasy, uncertain. My uncertainty comes from knowing JB. In the beginning days, it's the not knowing. It's the
not knowing how your partner might respond. So let's go through some of the things that could be leading to these feelings, this too much, too needy, I can't ask for these things. Right? And it's not that a single one will be right. It could be some combination. Hell, I've got one, two, three, six here, and they could be something I hadn't considered. But these are the what I think are the most common ones. We'll go through them point by point. Okay. This one, I didn't ask the question. It's
a point I need everybody to remember. Your needs are valid. That's true. And so then the question I want you to ask yourself feelings. Right. Is do I think that I'm not I'm not allowed to have these needs, that I'm wrong for having these needs, that, I'm doing in this for these people who ask the question, they're submissives. But so am I doing submission wrong? Right? Am I doing power exchange wrong because I have these needs? And then those again, the point to remember
is that your needs are valid. They're valid. It's like your emotions are valid. It's the the thing that you feel, the thing that you want is always valid. It's the action that you take that determines whether it's okay or not. Right? And if you do not, there's a word I want and I can't think of it. But basically, if you do not believe internally that what you want is okay to want, it becomes a whole hell of a lot harder to tell your partner that you want
the thing. Right? Now I think some of that could be carried over from the taboo of kink. Right? I'm not supposed to want this. This is, you know Mhmm. Some part of my upbringing is convincing me this is wrong. Well, I mean, you know, I I know for myself, there was a in the especially in the very beginning, in the early days of of my journey in the lifestyle, there was a lot of, religious guilt. True. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can imagine. That that sparked feelings of that, you know.
Right. So then it becomes harder to say the thing you want because you're like, I feel like shit for this. There's the other side, and I'm speaking specifically to submissives here. I'm sure it can happen to doms, but I think it's gonna happen in a different way and maybe even be rare, but I don't know. For submissives to have needs and wants can feel like it's somehow wrong because, well, I'm a submissive. I'm supposed to want what my partner wants.
No. Mm-mm. That's no. Ideally, you'll want at least some of what your partner wants because if you don't, then I think you're incompatible. But you get to want and need what you want and need. Right. It's like a Venn diagram. It it's an overlap. That's that's my favorite analogy. It's yeah. You find the Venn diagram. There's your wants and needs, their wants and needs. And Where it overlaps? What meets in the middle. And that's what you're
gonna focus on. And y'all might pull in things that you want more than your partner does. And they want and you might allow yourself to do things that they want more than you do. That comes after time, experience, and trust. Right. And and, yeah. Because I yeah. I was gonna add to that too. You know, one once trust, then that opens the door for other things too. Right. Exactly. But where you begin at the at the start is the Venn diagram. Right? Is the overlap. And then you
can expand from there. Mhmm. And that Venn diagram will absolutely shift and change over time because, like we said earlier, there will be things that you didn't know you wanted until you learned about it. Right? And now you've got to talk about it. And is your partner interested or not? Are they willing to do it or not? I think there's this thing thinking that if our partner is not as excited and enthusiastic about a thing as we are, then we should not do it. Right.
And you want them to be willing and not coerce and to be like, heck yeah. I'm all in on this. But sometimes, you want something more than your partner wants it. Yeah. That's okay. As long as it's not completely uneven where you are always getting what you want more than your partner is getting what they want or yeah. And one of you is not experiencing, air quote, this because it's subjective, enough of what you want while your partner seems to
be swimming in what they want. Those imbalances are a problem. Now, you know, I I will say sometimes, you know, as as a big d, there are times you can, you know, especially if you've been with somebody long enough, you can kind of, get a feeling of where they're at. Mhmm. Mhmm. Absolutely. Like, for you, Monday was a very, very emotional day. Oh, yeah. It's a rough day. Yep. It was a rough day. And and what did I do that night? I spanked your ass. You did. It was delight.
I flogged your ass. You got me giggling Yeah. At certain points. Right. Mhmm. Mhmm. So, you know, you sometimes you can kinda see, you know, as how things And also you're basing it on past experiences. We've gone through emotional times together. We've explored how we deal with those things. So Now you're pulling from experience. Advantage that, you know, we we are pretty much together all day long. Yes. That does help. That does help. You know. So that that
does help to a certain extent. I don't have to communicate quite as much because he's already witnessed it. Yeah. The communication comes in if JB does not understand my response to something or if I have been processing in my mind and and realized some things that would not have been obvious from the interaction or that are new if it's new information to me, it's 99% of the time new information to JB.
So, yeah, there is that, okay, if he can see it me going through it, then he kind of can get an idea of what's what. Right. Mhmm. But the the thing there that always remains true is that if JB reads the room incorrectly, I always have the ability to say for it out or go, hey. Absolutely. I see what you're trying to do here. I really appreciate it, but this is not Not the time. This is not it. We gotta do something different. Yeah. And, you know, being able to say that again,
I'm starting drinking game. How many times do I say trust in this episode? That comes down to trust. It comes down to confidence in in our relationship and in knowing I can say that, and I'm not afraid to have to put this, you know, the brakes on something because it's not really what I want or need in the moment, and it's enough of a not want or need that it's like, we I don't wanna do this.
And I want everybody to walk into any kink situation and immediately be able to do that, but I know that, you know, when you're new and you're developing the trust between you and a power exchange, it can take a while for that to feel easy. Like, it is always available and everybody should always use it, but it's over time that it can get easier. So I kind of combined point one and two because saying that your needs are valid is then you have to the opposite to that is or the question
to that is Mhmm. Do you think you don't deserve what you want? Right? That you're not worthy of it, that you're not allowed to have it. Typically, submissives feel I think feel this, strongly. Not all submissives, not all the time, but if this is a feeling you're having, yeah, because of the the bullshit tropes we're given. I can imagine because you talked about, like, religious guilt. I can imagine Dom's feeling this way. But I and you are only one Dom.
You do not speak for all Dom's everywhere. I know that. Have you ever had that feeling with any partner before me, since whatever, where you did not want to you didn't feel like you could initiate or ask for or negotiate a type of play, a type of dynamic, anything within kink because maybe you shouldn't do that. Maybe it was too much. Maybe it was Yes. Okay. Tell us about that. It, you know, it it it's mostly been in the past Sure.
At this point. But, you know, it it it just comes to a to a point, you know, you you talk about, you know, I I don't really like this term in a sense, you know, not enough. Yeah. I don't like it either. Okay. Not enough. I I I don't like it because it it's not a matter of not being enough, it is more a matter, I think, of your kinks being misaligned. Yes. And that is, I think, the fact of it. But before we learn that, we
feel the way. Or you need to, you know, talk, and and kind of negotiate and find the middle ground. You know, but, yeah, there there have been times in the past where, you know, no, I I can't quite go that far, you know. I I It's too much. It's too much. Too much. Yeah. Yeah. You know, it it's it's, it's my boundary,
so to speak, you know. But that that boundary, was it a boundary because you you felt like you were asking for too much or you needed too much or that you in this case, maybe you shouldn't be go back with the religious guilt that you shouldn't be doing. Should is, like, the keyword there. I should, I shouldn't. You know, the the the the whole religious guilt, yeah. That that was a big thing for me to get over Mhmm. Early on. Mhmm. And, you know, it
for the most part, I'm past it. Every once in a while Sure. You know, certain it kinda peeks its head out. Well, at this point, was it not it was it was more than half your life at this point? You were in your thirties, into your forties before you kinda got away from some of that, or were you closer to 50? Probably late closer to 50. That's a lot of time. Yeah. I mean, you're only you're not quite mid sixties yet.
So that's a lot of time to have been indoctrinated in into certain ways of thinking, to have been treated certain ways based on x y z, and then to undo that so that you could then do Move forward. Move forward. Right. And live your best kink life. Right. Right. You know?
But, you know, getting getting back to that whole thing, for the most part, it it's kinda like, you know you know, yeah, you you like spanking, and and I like spanking, you know, but then after that, you wanna go into this deep humiliation scene, and, you know, I I can't do that. That's not who I am Right. Kind of thing. You know, so, yeah. Either way, it it's not about not being enough. It's about being whether your kids align. Absolutely. That is always true.
Yeah. That is always true. But that that deep seated thought of thinking it Mhmm. Is what folks have to What? Yeah. If that resonates to overcome. You gotta look at it and know that's what it is, and then overcome it. That's that angry voice in your head. Yep. Okay. So let's go through our list. The next one, and this one speaks specifically to submissives because of that too much myth thing from episode 60 in 2016.
And I I want you to ask yourself if these feelings resonate, if you have had this similar kind of, oh, I can't ask for this thing. Are you worried that you're somehow not really submissive, not air quote, not submissive enough, not being submissive when you ask for things? None of that's true, by the way. Right. But that doesn't stop us from find people we can trust and, you know, become comfortable with who we are and all that and mature in our kink life. That doesn't mean it's not something
that you might think for whatever reason. Whether you got sucked into some one true way bullshit or you've heard too many people tell you there's a right way bullshit or you've heard too many people tell you there's a right way and a wrong way to do this and, you know, there's all kinds of reasons that we might have those thoughts. But when you're going, oh, I I shouldn't ask for this. I can't ask for this. I'm I'm gonna be too much. Maybe I'm being too needy.
The too much and too needy is its own thing, but it I think it also can come from other places. And one of those things is do you somehow not feel like you're being submissive enough when you just ask for what the fuck you want? You are. Because here's the thing, here's the thing. When I ask JB for something, that's me communicating clearly my needs. Right? My wants, my desires. What I then do is I sit back and wait for JB's response. That's two things. One, that's consent. Right?
Everybody gets that. But also, if he consents to it, then it's within his power. It's within his control. He's still very much a dominant. I am still very much a submissive because all I've done is say, hey. I'd like this thing. And, And, you know, let's talk about our limits. Let's negotiate it. But, hey. Here's what you need to know about me liking this thing and wanting this thing.
And then the ball's in his fucking court, and he gets to decide, and he is in charge of all of that, and he has the power and control. Communicating your needs does not somehow, oh, this is so gross to me, make you less submissive. It makes you a responsible kinkster. Right. You know? It makes you it it makes you the a purse the type of kinkster that your partner can trust.
You know? If you're not talking about your wants and needs out of some, you know, belief or fear that to do so is somehow not submissive, it makes me wanna gag, but you are then you know, you're you're not somebody that your partner can trust either because how can they make, well informed decisions if they don't know what you want and need? They you you know Mhmm. Also, I need everybody, but definitely submissives who struggle with this, to please advocate for yourself.
All you're doing in that point, when you give consent, when you withdraw consent, when you share your wants, needs, when you share your boundaries and limits, that is you are advocating for yourself. You are saying, hey, this is a thing that I as a human being want regardless of roles, titles, labels we use, and I'm gonna share that information with a person I think can be trusted with it because now you know more about me. And we go back up to the very first
point. I'm teaching you what you need to know about me. Right. Sometimes you're teaching it as you're fucking learning it, which can be a little bit of a mind fuck. It is so hot in here. I'm already sweaty. I know. I cannot remember, because my mind is Swiss cheese, ever having that feeling of I'm not really submissive for wanting the thing. Did did you
ever get that vibe for me? Have you ever had that experience with any other partners who kind of would think they weren't supposed to ask for anything? No. No. What I remember is not not wanting to make to I don't think I ever had the I'm I'm not being submissive when I do this. I remember not trusting anybody well enough to share my deep deepest, darkest desires and secrets. Like, that felt scary to do.
And you built up the trust and broke down the six foot thick walls I had, and became the safe person, so I knew that I could. But you did it by asking questions. Yeah. You did it by being curious. And then when I answered those questions and when I showed you bits and pieces of who I was, there was never judgment. No. When you genuinely like something, I could see that you genuinely
are, like, hot damn. This is good. Like, I could I could sense that you nobody needs it, but sometimes we do that approval of you said a thing, and I'm I'm really vibing with that thing you said. You know, you gave me enough of the the positive feedback kind of thing that that made it safe for me to do that. And you made it clear to me from the very beginning that I had to tell you stuff. I that was that was part of this. Right. And I think that's important as well. Yeah.
That does not mean that there aren't folks too many folks walking around going, well, I'm not very submissive if I do this. Okay. Here's here's one. Here's one. And I think this goes back to where you're talking about religious guilt because there's that would be one reason you might feel this way. Mhmm. If you're feeling like you can't ask for these things, is it because you're ashamed of your needs? Yeah. Yeah. Are you ashamed of
Mhmm. Ashamed of wanting anything at all, ashamed of wanting more than you've already negotiated, ashamed of wanting the things specifically you want because there's because there's some part of you that still believes I'm not supposed air quote, this supposed to want to. There is a good amount of folks, and even on the s side of Slash, because I've had many tell me this.
You know, one was like, you know, I I I love the the whole little, you know, caregiver, but I'm I'm ashamed to let that side Mhmm. Show because, you know, we're we're supposed to be adults. We're, you know, I wish I had some, like, smart, quick, whatever thing to go, here's how you deal with shame. I am not that smart. I I think there's lots of components to that.
The within our relationship I do not have a lot of memories of feeling shame between you and I, and I think part of that is because we had a solid enough foundation. And you were I had the good fortune that you were more experienced and had kind of become comfortable in your own kink self. So, you know, you could encourage me to say what I need to say, and and you would you would say the things like, you can tell me anything. Like, no judgment
here. And sometimes that's what we need to hear, and we need to hear it all the time until we can internalize it and believe it. But there's, you know, undoing shame within ourselves is its own, like, journey. Like, there's because there's different reasons for it. There's different ways that it impacts us. You know, it then I mean, I
I won't go into too much detail. I've talked about enough over the years, but, you know, I've talked about how, you know, I in in the early days, I had, trouble reconciling hitting somebody. Right. Right. And that and those kinds of right. There's that feeling of I'm not supposed to want this. I should be ashamed of myself. Right. I was raised as all good should have been a boomer but she had me young so technically Gen X old parents do, with their girls of you have to be an independent woman.
You need to have your own money. Don't depend on a man for nothing. Like, maybe not all get that, but it's a common experience of, amongst women as of a certain age at this point. And I had to give up that feeling of I didn't have to give it up. I had to reconcile that feeling with, yes, but I wanna submit to the right person. I wanna do what the right person says. And for me, that tends to be men. Right? Like, those masculine people at minimum, but
my whole experience is men. And so I'm in in that way, I'm completely going against everything my I've been taught from the cradle about how I'm supposed to interact in the world as a woman. And there is some there's some back and forth in your own head about that. There's some getting comfortable with uncomfortable things. There's unpacking the shit that ever, you know, that that is attached to any shame we feel about what we want.
And I think, you know when you're unwilling or uncertain about going hey I need this thing, I want this thing, do do that check because here's the thing you can have been kinky for ten, fifteen, twenty years, think you've worked through everything, and then hit a moment where, oh, I guess this is rearing its ugly head again. I have to kind of rework through it. Like whack a mole. It is like whack
a mole. And if if you're a person who's saying, well, more more than just one of these points is resonating, that means you're just playing a a bigger game of whack a mole because it's it's all the things. Here's the one. Mhmm. There's the these last two are pointedly about these these specific questions. Yeah. So I'm afraid to ask. I'm gonna come across as too much too needy. I've introduced them to this. How do I know they
really like this thing? I like it more than they do so they won't wanna do these things. I'm being too much, right? Do you trust your partner to set and communicate their own boundaries? Your partner is a grown ass adult who needs to be working on their own communication skills. So when you want something from them and you are uncertain as to whether they would want to do it with you and you're telling yourself, I'm too much. I'm too needy. You are taking away the,
there's a word. I can't think of it. The autonomy of your own partner to decide what they want to do with and for you. K. Right? Yeah. You are not required to ask for the things that come into your head. Not every fantasy is meant to, like, actually happen in real life. You're not required to do that. But when it's something you really want and you can't stop thinking about how you really like to ask for it, but you assume you know why you're not gonna get it or why
you don't deserve it. Let's go back to that. Do you think you don't deserve it? You've just taken away that choice from your partner who might abso fucking lily do it for you just because you want it, and it makes them happy to make you happy. Like, that's the other part of this that I think gets forgotten.
Sometimes we as partners do shit for the sole purpose to make our partner happy and that is legitimate and that is absolutely a part of any fucking relationship where you care about the other person. And we are all worthy of that. Let's go back up to do I deserve this? We are all worthy of that kind of care.
But I need to expect if I have to be a grown ass adult and use my big girl words, I have to expect that my partner is also a grown ass adult and will use their big person words as well and will communicate. Even if it's hard, even if it's awkward, even and I think you take that choice away from a partner who wants you to be happy. And I say that they want you to
be happy because of these specific questions. Hey, I introduced this this dynamic and that it wasn't their thing at first, but now it's their thing. Well, clearly, they tried a thing that wasn't an immediate limit because they knew it would make you happy and then they found their own happiness in it. That's that's free will, baby. Like, let people make those choices for themselves. Right. The last one, and this one I think is is really common for different reasons. Yep.
Fear of rejection. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. That, having someone reject your feelings, your thoughts, your ideas, is terrifying. Yes. Yes. You know, especially when it comes to relationships, you know, especially when you want to change something up in a big way Mhmm. In a relationship. Yeah. That that's oh, man.
That's the big one. And that's we probably could have started there because most people who are in touch with, you know, that have that experience are there people out there maybe who've never feared rejection in their lives? I'm sure they're they exist. I need you to bottle whatever that is Right. And become a billionaire because we could all use whatever
that is. Mhmm. And the fear of rejection in kink, I think, might have some layers to it because we're already doing something that a vast majority of the world tells us we're not supposed to do, that we're not supposed to want, that's not okay, that's outside of the norm, that is that weird kink thing where, like, whatever bullshit you've heard to to kind of even make you question yourself whether you're are, quote, supposed to want this or supposed to do this
and then add the fear of rejection on top. Right. That that's tough. Yeah. It is tough. I think that if you are not the person blessed with just no fear of rejection ever and you're just able to handle it, so happy for you. Could not be me. I I think that goes back to it's a trust and time thing. Right? Like, I have serious trust issues, so I'm not gonna ask the person I met five minutes ago to spank my ass. That's not happening. That's not how I roll,
for a lot of reasons. But part of that is I don't know them and I don't know how they would respond. I don't know what that rejection would feel like. I think we are all as adults aware that at any point you can the thing you're asking for can be rejected. Right? But if you don't know how that person will reject you that can that can be nerve wracking. That can be scary. Right?
And to these folks specifically or to anybody who resonates with the initial questions that were asked, you know, think back to other times when your partner had to tell you no or tell you they didn't wanna do something. Were they kind about it? Were they respectful? Did they care about your feelings? Then there's a pretty good bet they're all
almost always gonna be that way. Everybody's got their triggers and everybody's got their bad days, but in general they're gonna find some way to either gently tell you no or the thing that makes me nervous for them, but might work out okay, try it just to see. Like, because it makes you happy they might try it. The scary part of that is somebody who is too much of a people pleaser and will do shit they don't like simply because they don't want to have the hard conversation.
They're afraid of your reaction if they have to tell you no. Like, all that stuff, we probably need to do an episode on people pleasing if we haven't already, because that's that's a big deal in Mhmm. In any relationship. But, yeah, like, are are you afraid they're gonna tell you no? And if it's not that you're afraid they're gonna just tell you no in general, is it are you afraid of how they're gonna tell you no? And is that based on experience with that partner?
Or is that just based on other stuff you've gone through in life and is, you know, carrying over? But if your partner has gently, kindly, respectfully, whatever whatever said, yeah. That's not my jam. I'm not gonna do that, then that's a you know, you've got to I think you've got to think consciously about that and go, okay. Wait. I'm being I'm being afraid of this because I don't wanna hear no. I wanna do the thing I wanna do, but also because I'm afraid they're gonna
shame me. They're they're gonna make me feel bad. But wait. They've never made me feel bad, so this should be okay. And sometimes you ask for a thing, and the way you word it or the specific thing you ask for our partner is like, nah, that's not my jam, but maybe you find a compromise that works for both of you. You don't ever know until you have the conversation. Right. True. True. Now somebody, and it was on FetLife when I posted about this episode, mentioned the other kind of side of this
sort of relationship. So in this case, the thing that started this episode and this conversation was people who were in seem to be healthy, loving power exchanges where each partner is willing to give their partner as much as they can and but the submissives are still worried that it's it's too much. Right? That thing of well I introduced it to them so they probably don't really like it as much much as I like it. Let's go back to they don't have to.
They just have to be willing to do it because maybe it makes you happy and that that's enough for them. Right? But there's the other side of it where you introduce your partner to something, you start getting nervous, you're asking for too much, not because they are doing it for you, but because they're not doing it for you. And they are not they're saying all the right words, but they're not their actions are not Not matching. Matching up.
That is probably a that's a separate issue of minimum incompatibility. Probably some communication issues on their part. They're just not saying, hey, I don't wanna do that thing, and somehow they'd rather be an untrustworthy, un, irresponsible partner than just have the hard conversation. Giving side eye to that. So there's there this is, there's two sides
to this minimum, two sides to this. There's the loving relationships where where you've got a partner who's absolutely willing to try, but the other partner doesn't trust that that that's real or that they're doing the right thing or they think that they are being selfish or whatever whatever. And then you've got the other part where they're like, yeah, I'll try. Yeah, we can do this.
Then they don't And so then you don't wanna ask for more because you're barely getting what you asked for in the first place. It's all a hot mess. I much prefer to deal I much prefer that everybody gets to deal with it on the loving side, the giving side of my partner supports me, but I am terrified of that. Why are they doing that? Am I allowed to be supported like that? Yes. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
And probably just to to tie it all together from the perspective that we discussed in this episode, of this weird feeling of if I introduced it to them and it was not their original idea that they maybe don't like it as much as they say, Or do they usually lie to you? Are they usually untruthful and and doing things they hate to do because it makes you happy? Well, then then we need to talk about people pleasing. Again, where that's a whole separate conversation. But your partner will
let me speak to submissives out there. How many submissives in like maybe long term or romantic power exchanges have done a thing for your dom that you know damn good and well you would never do if they hadn't asked you. Right. That's part of submission for some of us, right? Why can't a dom do a thing that it never occurred to them to do before, but they were willing to try it because you like it and you want it and you need it. And they do not have objections to it. It's not a hard limit.
They're not grossed out by it. Like, they're like, no. This is I didn't know it would be like this, and I'm let's continue. Like, how come you're not worthy of the same thing that your own dom is worthy of? That you would do for your dom easily. Right? I just there's all kinds it's it's layered. It is. It is. And, you know, I I think one of the the the biggest things about it all is, you know, the the fact that, you know, doms don't go to a dom school Right. And learn, you know,
this is dominance. This is what it is, cut and dry, you know. The same thing with submission. And it's not. It it is a broad spectrum Mhmm. Of things. Mhmm. Yep. So And, thank you Silent. Well, we did do people pleasing episode three twenty six. It felt familiar. Mhmm. It felt familiar. See, now this is a whole separate issue, but now I'm back to I really think we should do, air quote, classics of episodes once a week from our archive.
Because so many things we talk about today go back to what we've talked about in the past. Anyway, that's a whole other thing. I have the task of staying on track. I'm trying to accomplish the task. Yes. So this is a multilayered situation. Yeah. To to answer those specific questions that came in because they won't be a Q and A episode on their own because we're doing it here, right? Ask them.
If you trust them enough and they've earned your trust to do these things with them, to have told them in the first place you wanted this you liked this kind of dynamic or you liked these activities, trust them enough to be honest with you. Now Mhmm. If they're not if there are times they have not been honest with you, that's a whole separate thing. That has nothing to do with being too much or too needy.
And as the internet taught me several years ago that I have tried to like internalize, if anybody tells you that you are somehow too much, just tell them to go find less. Okay? For the person who cares about you, you're not too much. And I say that as somebody who is objectively too much. Okay? I have a lot of thoughts. I have a lot of words. I don't know how to modulate the volume of my voice. I am either shouting or you can't hear a
word I've said. Right? I am so sorry to anybody who listens to any of our episodes with earbuds in. I know what I do. I'm trying to be better. I am objective I won't say them too much. I am objectively a lot. Right? No, there are a lot of fucking people who could not handle me and I don't want them to try, thank you very much. That does not make me bad, that does not make them bad. It makes us incompatible. Somehow, someway, this universe created JB and went,
you'll do. You gotta go through some shit for a few decades before you find her. But you'll be able to handle her. Right? And that's all that matters. I don't- I- I could be too much for the next person. I know there are people who listen to this podcast and watch these videos and go, Oh, hell no. I could never. Good. I wouldn't want you to because we'd both be miserable. But if you've got a partner who kind of like listens to your ideas and goes,
Yeah, we can do that. And they accept you for who you are in general, you're not too much for them. You're not too needy. You have needs and maybe you're a lot, but hey, guess what? They fucking like that about you or they wouldn't be there. Says somebody who has been rejected many times over for being a lot trademark registered trademark. Okay? So I am very warm because it is very hot in here. And I dropped the AC several degrees too. You're do you're you're doing
our best. I know. You're trying. So do you have any final thoughts? No. Cool. We went through all my points. No. I added some extras in there. You did. None of the points feel like they connected, but they were all valid points in my mind at least. I will remind everybody, just because those are the things that we could think of that could be part of this does not mean that's all that there is. So True. There we go. So if you would like, we can go into a bonus section. Are
we, good? I don't know. Keep it kinky, y'all. And we'll see you next week. Oh my god. Okay. I tried to plan better and Swiss cheese brain. I meant to bring my hair tie in with me. Can I go get my hair tie and you do the filler filler? And You I'll get it for you. Do you know where it is? Where is it? It's in one of two places. It's either on the side table next to the couch or on my vanity. Before you go, can I talk to the crickets, please?
Yes. You may. It's about to be a very long moment if he said no. I just have to stare at you and you'd be a participant in, my predicament of bondage, apparently. Oh my god. Oh, wow. That was closer. It was on the kitchen. Oh, no. No. No. That's not the one I'm talking about. This is broken. But it's daddy? Daddy. It's literally an elastic ring. It's black. Okay. I said hair tie, but I maybe I don't know. I don't know what they're called anymore?
Ponytail holder. That's that's that's that was it. That was it. Uh-oh, so. We have not we're not talking about it actively, but we did mention it to one another today about how last summer we had to go into evening live streams because of the heat. We are not actively planning that right now, but we're gonna have to do something because this heat is only about to get worse. Oh, please do not fall. Was it the
dog? Yeah. Okay. I love that she likes to be near me, but when she's directly under foot, it's So, but I am leaning into the, hey. Can we get a quote from our kinky HVAC friend for the idea to make it not so freaking hot in here? Yeah. Because it's what what typically happens in the summer is, first of all, JB doesn't work outside all day because you just cannot. So he goes out, like, early in the morning and is done very early, but I can't work in the office when it's hot through the midday.
So I work in the morning and in the evening, and then I can't even stand to be sitting in this office usually from about one to four, fourth, or five. That that's not gonna work. Like, we we gotta find a way. Yeah. Oh, and Silent said, Silent said, I do love the conflict of I wanna grow my hair combined with living in Florida during perimenopause. I have already decided that whenever I finally just do it and make the damn appointment, I'm gonna get my hair cut
short. Again, not as short as I've had in the past, but short because I gotta get it off my neck. I can't sleep with it this way, and I'm not functioning in this heat this way. Undercut? No. I'm gonna have everything go up. There'll still be enough to grab. Do not worry. I will not sacrifice having my hair pulled for short hair. Okay. Mm-mm. Not purposely, anyway. But I'm yeah. Part of the reason I'm not sleeping well, both from a heat perspective and just a life perspective is my hair
is, like, it's all I can feel. And I'm I'll wake up in the middle of the night to move my hair out of the way, but I can't pull it back and tie it back or whatever because then I can feel the bumps and and So Well, you know, take Tayshia, as tired as I am, if she walked away and I was sitting here, there's a good chance I would have started snoring. That's probably true. That's probably true. For the bonus section, Lola is still, a a mess and a menace. Yep. Onyx and Ella,
messes and menaces. Mhmm. The kids are the kids, I saw a guy, y'all. We've mostly been mostly been working yeah. You mentioned it earlier. Monday was an emotional day. Mhmm. I'm growing as a parent. It's delightful. And and I say this, and I do mean it, but that doesn't make it always easy. Anytime the 15 year old behaves as a typical teenager would, it is wonderful, but also sometimes it's very stressful.
And I had to, use I had to I had to I'm in the process of teaching the 15 year old a lesson that the 19 year old picked up on fairly quickly, which is if I tell you, you can tell me anything and I'm I will not freak out on you, like, in that moment. I mean that. It's it's a it's so much emotional regulation to do it.
But I would rather have the relationship where the kids can come say what they've gotta say, tell me the thing that is not good, that is scary, that they need help with, rather than be afraid of my response. That was easy with the 19 year old because the 19 year old, if you are one of his trusted people, he does not have a thought you don't know about at some point that he is his mother's child. No brain dump. He is his mother's child. The 15 year old is not wired that
way. And that's okay. Like, it's not it's just I have I'm at the big age of four am I 45? Yeah. 45. Relearning how to parent teenagers and that kind of like, I don't like that part because, it's exhausting. But so I actually yeah. Big conversations where I just I just kept my cool, and I was like, okay. And tell me about this and tell me about that. And then at the end, because look. I'm a smart ass bitch. I just am. After everything and I went back to them and was like, hey.
Do you remember that thing that thing where I say you can tell me anything, I will not freak out? And they go, yeah. I'm like, do you believe me yet? And I no. Because if I got trust issues, that apparently is genetic for the youngest. So it'll take a minute. But I was like, okay. Okay. You're gonna you're gonna tell me this stuff, and it's it's gonna it's fine. It's fine. We'll deal with it. We'll deal with it. We'll deal with it. Are you safe? Are you well? Okay. That's
what matters. That's what matters. Yay, parenting. So, the for podcast listeners, by the time you hear the sound of our voice, it's over. For anybody watching on the live stream, it's actually still happening. The, Dom Sub, dynamic virtual summit, as of the time of recording, is still going on. Seems to be going fairly well. For YouTube folks who will see this by Thursday at I don't know what time, you can still sign up if you want. The free ticket, you only get access to
what's currently happening. But, if you have room in your budget, you can buy lifetime access so you can watch the stuff you missed too. But, yeah, that seems to be going really well. I was in the middle during our session, I was in the middle of doing, like, 85 things on deadline. So I was like, oh, okay. Never mind. Never mind. And and spending let's have been a week now back and forth with our tech person of why isn't the kinkery working properly? Why can't I get here? Why is it giving me
that error message? What is happening? Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. So yeah. Mhmm. It's that's there's not a lot. I'm too hot to think of anything. That's part of it. I feel like my tired. I know. I'm not asking you to think of anything. But I feel like my brain is melting, and I just cannot Yeah. Thoughts will not stick in. I know. So, yeah, we're same old same old. Mhmm. Other than I'm melting and you're exhausting. Yep.
Exhausted. Not exhausting. I'm exhausting. You're just exhausted. Wow. That was a bad slip of the tongue. Oh. That was a bad slip of the tongue. Before you even slip there, something you're not telling me? No. No. I promise you. I know who was the exhausted one in this relationship. And I know who made them that way. So it's okay. It's okay. But for the sake of you maybe getting a nap, and I guess we can go. And, I'll I'll have less clothes on in a good
five minutes because I'm too damn hot. I know. Okay. Thank y'all for being here, especially to the bitter end. Right. We We'll see y'all next time. Uh-huh. Okay. Bye. Bye.