Warren's Wisdom: Emotional Maturity and Self Care

We are going to talk about experiences that happen inside the prison system , outside of prison systems . We will use language that might be offensive , but we intend to keep it real , and if that's not for you , we totally understand , but please do what's best for your listening ears .

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But where it is is your peers tell you things that they see about you that they feel you need to work on . A lot of people say , well , I don't really have a lot to say about Chromedy . But the counselor said well , I want to make a comment about Chromedy .

And she said Mr Chromedy , my concern for you is that I'm afraid that when you go home and things don't go right for you , that you're going to have a problem with that because you need everything to be so perfect . And when she said it , I looked at her and I'm like you don't know nothing about my life .

Everything about my life has been wrong and I've learned to overcome these things . But her opinion was that because everything has to be so perfect , when things go wrong , then that's when I'm going to panic and fall apart .

And one of the things that I shared with you in the email was we're so used to getting gutted , disappointed , things not going right that we very seldom take the time to acknowledge it because we feel we have to just keep on going . We have to keep on pushing forward .

We can't stop , because if we stop then we may fall apart and I'm learning slowly , but that's not healthy .

I'm not one of those people , but I am one of those people who , you know , when my kids cry , I'm like , hey , cut that out . And it's not because I feel like they shouldn't cry , especially my son . It's because I feel like there's a problem to solve . You can't afford to just shut down and cry .

You know , you got to learn how not to not experience or express your emotions , but to keep them in check so that you can think your way through the problem . You don't have the luxury of shutting down , crying and just getting your way . That's not how my life experience was .

So you know it's not that especially me , man , I'm always , you know , working through a problem , one or another . But it's not that I'll express my emotions . It's not that I don't acknowledge , you know , small victories or defeats . It's just that right now there's an issue that needs to be solved , you know .

So when the time comes to address that , we can talk about it right now . Let's focus on this . You know , and it's definitely something that happened , like coming home , especially when you got a plan and you calculated and recalculated and you won't plan 7.0 . By the time you actually get a chance to start working on it .

You know , yes , you have to be like damn , here's a roadblock that I didn't expect and take the time to acknowledge it . But my thing is , you can't dwell on it too long . You know , acknowledge it , experience that defeat , experience the emotion , express it , talk to somebody whatever you got to do and then be like all right now .

How can I problem solve this ? Now ? I'm also not one of those dudes that buy into the old school I'm very much old school , but I'm not one of those dudes that buy into the old school that every man has to be rough and tough and work with his hands .

You know , right , I'm one of those people that feel like , yeah , I'm not the most handy guy , but I will attempt to problem solve it with my own hands . But , like I said , I can't afford to sit here and cry about it . I need to think my way through it .

So if I can't fix it , let me locate somebody who can procure their services , you know , and get on with it , because really the most elite in the world aren't people who work with their hands . They're people who problem solve and can think their way through when shit falls apart , because they are people who have failed repeatedly .

And when reality comes in the form of pain , sickness , hurt , disappointment or betrayal , the reason why it impacts us so much , because the reality that we're not invincible is placed in front of us and it kind of goes to what you were just saying .

That's what made me bring this up , because the moment that we stop thinking that we're invincible , we stop thinking that we're above getting hurt , we're above feeling pain , we're above failing , we're above being disappointment , and realize that these are natural occurrences and our lives , then the emotions that come with these things to stop being enemy .

Oh yeah , we can fill them , not get consumed in them , and then work towards healing from them . But the moment we feel like we're invincible or that we we that , why should we get hurt ?

Then when they actually happen to us , we kind of fall into this victim type statement or victim type mentality , because the reality that we're not invincible and we are just like everyone , sometimes that's just too much to bear .

I was like it's still going , because when I have good days , when there's no lines and there's no mistakes and every single thing goes my way , I take it with a smile and I say , man , today was a great day . When everything goes wrong and there's long lines and there's mistakes made and there's problems to solve , I don't say today was a bad day .

I say this is the job that I signed up for . So once again , I'm not sitting here dwelling on oh man , everything's going bad . What was me ? I'm like they literally put all of this in the job description and I signed up and said , yes , I will take it on . So when it happens , no , today's not a bad day . Today I have to work hard .

That's it Right , and that's the same thing for life . I don't go through life thinking that damn man , life about to be cake , just because I'm playing it all out , I say , man , some stuff really went my way . Man , I really got a jump on this and I got in touch with some people that helped me do this and made it easier .

But when it's just me in the grind , man , this is what I signed up for . This is life . Until you overcome that , until you make it so where life is just so easy that you don't have to grind , this is life , so let's live it . But never forget that this is life because you can do all the things in the world to be comfortable .

You could be Jeff Bezos or whoever else , with all the best money and all the people to solve your problems , but remember that life's going to come back and say , hey , I'm still here . So when your health declines and there's nothing you can do about it , or when you lose a loved one and there's nothing you can do about it , remember that this is life .

And you know , most time when you ask people that , like man , I'm going to take you to business , I'm going to go out there and do this , You're like I'm going back out there and try and I'm like , damn bro , you already did six years , why would you go back out ? He said , listen here , my .

He said I already accepted the prison as part of that , so I know what I'm going to do . But he said I don't delude myself , that I will never get caught , that I will never get robbed and that something may not happen to me .

So he said I accepted all of that the moment I went out there and decided this was what I was going to do , and at the time when he told me that I wasn't mature enough to grab what he was saying . But I get it now .

He says well , every time I do it , I put a little money up because I know I'm probably coming back to jail , not that . I want to come back to jail . He said when I come here I don't complain because I knew this was part of it and I was .

I'm in his group called Straight Talk , and I was talking to one of the facilitators and I told him I used to think that life was complicated . I think because everyone told me life is complicated . So I just bought into the concept that life is complicated . I said , but I'll come to realize that life isn't complicated .

My ignorance of life makes it complicated , because the more I understand life , the easier it starts to become . But the things that I don't know and I'm just doing things hoping for a better result or hoping something good come out of it .

Then I'm just like I'm rolling the dice and get disappointed when I , when I crap out , you know , and I'm like I'm starting to understand that my life , I have to learn more about what I am . I have to learn to accept more . And when I talk about acceptance , I believe acceptance come in two stages .

I think the first stage of acceptance is learning and understanding that what you need to accept . But the second part is whatever choice I make or whatever choice someone else makes , don't take it personal , because when people make their choices . They're making their choice , which was best for them , even though I may be affected by it .

No , no , they're making their choice worse . A lot of times you think because you're affected by something . You think it's because of me . No , I didn't . You just happened to be affected by it Right but my choice is about me , what I want , what I need , what I think is right , what I think is best . It's all about me .

That's where the acceptance come in at , and the more I understand that then the easier it is for me to deal with you .

It's like it goes back to the same thing . Do what was saying about going back to sell dope . The mafia did it the best . They said , hey , we can do it . We do everything we can to make sure we don't go to prison . And guess what we're going to do ? We're going to plan for what happens when one of us goes to prison , because it's going to happen .

It's going to happen . It comes with the life , you know , and so it's the same thing , just like I trust everybody , but I trust everybody differently because everybody has different motivations . And when bad stuff happens , I say , man , you know what ? I saw that comment . I let it happen , so I accepted .

I don't sit there and be like man , how could they do that ? I know how they could do that , because this X plus Y equals Z , and Z is what they wanted . So they put in X and Y here . I am thinking that it's a , b .

It's this idea that when people give us good advice that we're immune to the consequences of it and no one is immune it may not happen to you immediately , it may not happen to you at that time , but it doesn't mean it can't happen to you . And that was one of the things that I've been dealing with .

Like I said , when the parole board didn't give me my halftime review , I talked to my father and I'm putting on a brave face for them and me and Christine talked about it and I was telling her about how I feel and she was telling me how she was feeling , but I never really absorbed how disappointed I was from that and it didn't hit me until like maybe a

month later and I'm saying , like why am I not motivated ? I don't have no drive . I don't feel like I have any purpose . I'm just basically going through the day and Christine and I talked about it . I said I was disappointed by that .

I had a lot of hopes in possibly coming home this year , and then they said , no , it's extending me back out three years and I was acting like , oh , it wasn't that bad , because that's what you do when you get bad news or disappointed news in prison you just keep moving . You know , like get back into your beat .

That's how we're trained and I'm learning that that's not a good solution . Like you were saying , I had to find a balance . I had to learn how to feel the emotions but don't get stuck in the emotion .

To start problem solving , to start becoming a solution focus but still acknowledge that I was hurt , I was disappointed , and a lot of people don't teach us how to deal with trauma and pain like that emotional pain Pain you can't drink or pop a pill or have sex through Something that you want to have to sit through and wait you up at two o'clock in the

morning like , yeah , I'm still here , I was just waiting for you to wake up , and now I mean you have to have a conversation . They don't teach you how to deal with that and that's where my ignorance was coming in .

That's why I was making things so complicated , because I just didn't know and I didn't know how to deal with it when it happened and no one else was there to shepherd me through , except Christine . I got told you the email man she is . She has been like she has been .

She has been a super woman for me this month and I know I've been getting on her last nurse , but hey , she , she told you through it .

It's a reason why you don't go straight from the playoffs to regular season . Again , right , it's a break . It's a break , it's a reset , it's a self care moment . Yeah , you know , it's a reason why you don't go from like , damn , we lost the game seven , fuck it , let's go back and go to the regular season . Man , get back to playing .

I'm like no , go home , chill , relax . Don't do no , two a day trainings , don't do none of that . Like you know , take your time , feel what you're going to feel , live life . Do whatever you got to do to take care of you and then refocus and we're both in , absolutely , you know .

I didn't do anything , man . My wife gave me a free day . She , literally . I came home and it was like a glass of meat and an Xbox controller and , you know , a change of clothes , and she was like , baby , just go ahead . And I was sitting here looking at some chips , my favorite chips .

She like , maybe , forget about strict eating , forget about you know what time it is like , have a drink , play some video games . She's like I got everything else , I got the kids , I got dinner .

And I'm sitting here feeling guilty , like she's making dinner Kids down there , you know , and I'm sitting here with a glass of meat and an Xbox controller like ain't , no way , I'm gonna sit here and do this all night . I gotta go and be a part of something . She's like no , no , go relax , go relax , take care of you .

And I'm like that's the craziest birthday gift I ever got , but probably the thing that I need it most .

2% when we need to be told to sit down , when we are weak , when we can't get it together , when we are confused or we're not certain or we're not as strong as we can be because everything is coming at us at 1,000 miles an hour . That 2% means so much in those moments that they understand I don't , hey , he's a free spirit .

I have to let him run , because to try to restrict him is only gonna hurt or try to restrict her . But that 2% is where your partner is needed .

You have your 2% with Debbie and me and other people who love you , and I have my 2% with Christine , you and all the other people who love me , and those are the people who understand what partnership and companionship is about .

These are the individuals who know us , who've learned us , who understand us , and sometimes they need to fight against us when we don't know what's best for us , and we become thankful for them . But this is part of that emotional maturity , that emotional intelligence that people think that men don't have .

But this is us showing our emotional intelligence , our emotional competency , by acknowledging the women and the people in our lives who give us these things and we receive it with full gratitude . It doesn't . Men don't always have to show emotion through crying and we don't always show emotions that way .

Emotions there's a plethora of emotions that we could display Empathy , happiness , joy , sadness , anger . All these things are healthy part and natural parts of who we are , just expressed in different mediums and ways of expression .

And it was one where this dude was talking about emotional maturity and they were talking about how every woman says they want men to express themselves , but then when they do , it's kind of like frowned upon .

And he was like the reason why a lot of men don't choose to express their emotions is because , especially when it comes to a male-female relationship , is because men tend to rely on women for validation more than women rely on men . And that sounds crazy .

It sounds crazy , right , because women are statistically I mean stereotypically like the emotional creature , right ? That don't ? really sound crazy to me he was like the validation is that we want to know that what we put in is valued . You know it's .

We've been taught that we are supposed to be the providers , we're supposed to be the protectors , we're supposed to be all this strong stuff , but nobody wants to put themselves through all of that when it's not appreciated .

And that's why they say that women always or more concerned with love and that is their version of , you know , happiness in a relationship and men are more concerned with respect . Yeah , like the way we receive love is respect and appreciation and honor . So I thought that was real interesting man as a old school .

We want a woman to believe in us when we are at our worst and still put faith in her energy into us . But a woman just wants to know that she has her place securely securely in your life . She don't need all those bells and whistles .

She needs to know that , when it comes to everything else in me , I have my place securely locked into your life and I will be valued for that . But we do . We need the one . That's why so many men are bitter coming out of prison , because we feel that every single person that we wanted to believe in us didn't , and so we talk about getting out .

Yeah , I'm a show everybody , emma , that they should never have left me . They shouldn't have because no one believed in us and the lack of the form of belief is almost like God , like remember the things where the God's game their power through people's belief in them .

Yeah the lack of belief diminished us , and so we have to convince ourselves that we're better than the example that everyone else shows us that we're not . You know , that's something I recently acknowledged man .

I'm gonna stay just close enough to let them watch it happen and then I'm gonna peel off , I swear , and I like like telling myself this I was like oh shit , yeah yeah , and I feel bad about it . You know , especially about Like people , I feel like I'm doing better than now .

You know , not thinking , not saying I feel like I'm better than them , but like I feel like Like I really wanted to show them and now I showed them and I'm like damn Kind of feel like I threw it in their face , yeah , yeah , even though I didn't even know , I wasn't even close enough to throw it in their face .

I feel like damn , like I Feel guilty when I shouldn't . I didn't go back to be like look at me , look what I did . Ha , you ain't believe in me , you know right , I was just like you ain't do it because of that .

But at the same time it's like I always said that my biggest motivation wasn't for me , it wasn't for any promise that I made to anybody else . I made promises to my children before I even had children , you know , and I was like man .

One thing that I have to be above all else is a good father , and by being a good father is not just being present but also being a good example and Letting them know where I've been , where I come through , you know when I came from , what I've been through and where I'm at now and how I got there .

And so I was like there's nothing you can do to slow me down . There's no distraction you can give me that would ever jeopardize being or providing for my kids . So when dudes come home and they be like , look , I'm gonna show them , I'm gonna get this car , I'm gonna put some rims on it .

I'm gonna be on , you know , instagram flashing money like they got different motivations than me , you know yeah . When people be like damn , why you ain't throw that in so-and-so's face , like cuz really just wanted to do it for my kids man .

We don't really think of life as far as something that's real . When we look at life , we look at life as opportunities . The more opportunities and the better opportunities we have , the greater life is . The less opportunities how we have , or the more Disadvantages we have , the worst life is .

But the actual force of life we really don't feel until death is present . You have one minute remaining and that will be a conversation for another time , you know before you go .

You over there like man , bitch , ass , motherfucker , man . I'm a oh , I wish he would fall in a hole and he over there , like you know , do , do , do , do . Life is grand . Yeah , I feel like the same thing for like holding that grudge , trying to stun on somebody . You like , man , look , I'm gonna show them .

And they like oh yeah , I do remember that , dude . What are you up to now ? Like they ain't thinking about you , bro . You put notice energy in the show on them and they like , oh , okay , I'm about here , man .

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Thanks for listening .