115 - The ASK Framework

Did You Know  0:02  
Did you know that by asking questions you become more aware to many diverse perspectives and less biased in your decisions? 

Intro  0:10  
Hello, action taker! Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspirational and informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help you get the scoop on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping you achieve bliss through awareness and action, so let's get to it. In this episode, Carole Stizza shares the questions we should be asking to elevate your influence, performance and leadership. Carole is an executive leadership coach, senior HR professional, and a strength strategy specialist who coaches professionals to get clear on what matters most to them, especially around how they want to measure success for breakthrough tomorrow's. She holds a Master's in industrial organizational psychology, supported a military family across the US for 26 years, and has received awards that include Woman of the Year, Volunteer of the Year and her favorite: coolest Ya-ya from her four year old grandson. She currently guides executives in the public private, it, marketing, nonprofit and government space. Carol speaks internationally and is a contributing author in compassion at work (2017), Coach wisdom volume 1 (2019) and her most recent book, The ASK framework. Visit www.relevant-insight.com to learn more. 

Disclaimer  1:36  
The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only and any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. 

Marisa Huston  1:48  
Carole thanks for being on the show. 

Carole Stizza  1:50  
Oh, I'm so excited to be here. 

Marisa Huston  1:51  
Me too. I've been looking forward to this conversation. When I met you and I found out about your book, I was compelled to read it and I couldn't put it down. It really spoke to me. And I really wanted an opportunity to share the information about how this book can help us better communicate. Would you explain to our listeners what your book is about and how it might help them do a better job at setting the groundwork so to speak, when it comes to communication?

Carole Stizza  2:21  
I'm happy you asked that. This book came about because I couldn't find a book on the topic myself. I am a coach so I'm trained to ask questions. But when I'm coaching executives, it was an interesting concept that I didn't realize we needed to discuss more. Having a background as a senior HR professional, I know that there is a lot of opportunity to communicate at work. And a lot of people desire more communication, and validation of what they're doing right. It's just not built into our normal day to day exchanges. So I went about researching that. And what I found was not what I expected. I was expecting to find research on how to give better feedback and how to understand performance conversations better. I was expecting to find something maybe I hadn't found before. What I found instead was nothing on how to ask for the information you needed. And the trick became, I did find that if we were to teach people how to ask for feedback in a certain way, they suddenly knew how to give it and I wanted to know more. The book started because I was motivated from my own personal experience of being stuck in one of those situations where you needed to communicate your value and you were watching the scene in front of you unfold, knowing you needed to do that, and realizing you did not know exactly how to do it. And I wanted to change that for me and for everyone else. And so that developed into well how do you do it? And I love tangible action items. So when I looked at the research, and they started unpacking what the research really meant to have a conversation, it opened up four different parts of a conversation that we're easy to digest, easy to remember and easy to put into application for people. It's a new concept because we're not taught to go after that information or even how to ask good questions at work. 

Marisa Huston  4:26  
Yeah, Carol and I love the words you just used. Communicate your value, I find that that is an area that a lot of us can really work on. We sometimes don't even see the value that we provide. We're so good at what we do that we overlook it or think that hey, everybody can do the same thing that I can do. But the reality is that we all have gifts to share. And oftentimes we assume that other people see what we see, and they don't. There's that disconnect between maybe they're expectitions and our personal expectations. And without that clear communication happening from the get go, what happens at the end is, you are thinking you're going one path, the other is thinking another path, your priorities are off, and they never connect. That's where the frustration happens.

Carole Stizza  5:17  
Oh, yeah. And that's where a lot of assumptions start to creep in. And we place assumptions, wherever we lack accurate information, 100% of the time.

Marisa Huston  5:27  
Communication is important. Why do you think asking questions and asking the right questions matter so much?

Carole Stizza  5:34  
Asking questions is a known concept, because we like to talk about being curious and getting to know other people and gathering information. Asking the Right Questions becomes very subjective, especially when we're talking about work, or interpersonal relationships, or what we do. Let's just take for a moment and couch this word, "right questions". The subject or the context I want to use here is how to have the best conversations to get the information that you can use when you can use it in a way you can use it. And I think that became that really driving north star for me is how do I help people ask questions about getting positive information? Not how do I improve? How to get information on what do I do that's bragable?  What do I do that makes the client happy? What do I do that sets me apart in the best positive way? And we don't know how to go after that. So asking the right question became, how do I ask a question that gains information that validates me, that I'm on the right path?

Marisa Huston  6:42  
When I read your book, you have three steps to approach it. And I thought it was so simple and easy to follow. How did you identify those three things. When we want to communicate, we want to be heard, we want to tell the other person, this is what I want. And sometimes we're thinking it we assume the other person even knows what we're thinking. And so how did you narrow it down to these effective steps that help us set the stage right?

Carole Stizza  7:09  
Could you brought that up, because there was that word, the assumption word. Wherever we lack information, we just place assumptions. I'd still be on the same page. When I researched, what was included, in the best conversations, clarity kept coming up. The word clarify. And the only way to really clarify what you're talking about is to offer context. And when I looked at that, it was a little confusing at first until I go, wait a minute. What does that mean in a conversation? And I remember talking with a doctor once, and I said, I would like to talk to you about this specific test. Unknowingly, that was the context. And the doctor looked up she was I'm so glad that you were specific, because I was trying to figure out my daughter's car pool for soccer. I could have said, hey, what should I take? But when you start off with context, I'd like to talk about this specific thing, as specific as you can. The moment in the meeting, we looked at that PowerPoint slide that had the three bullets, you can be that specific, or you can be as specific as I'd like to talk about the last time we work together on a project. But if you offer that context, it actually offers the other person the grace to step into the conversation on the same topic, and sets them up for success. Instead of them wondering what you're talking about.

Marisa Huston  8:25  
That reminds me of sometimes when we talk to let's say, a partner, and we want something out of them, whatever that thing is. Many times the responses is, is this a venting session or do you want me to help solve the problem? Because from their perspective, they want to know, do you just need somebody to talk to to get it all out? Or are they supposed to participate in the conversation. And by setting that expectation upfront, then they kind of know what role to play, whether you're looking for any sort of actual feedback and assistance, or if it's just where they're looking for somebody to listen. Sometimes it's just setting the groundwork, that's critical, because if it's not in sync, then the other person will think that they're supposed to solve the problem and jump right in, and then the other person will get frustrated, because they're like, I wasn't asking for your feedback, I just need you to listen. 

Carole Stizza  9:16  
And a lot of times, that's part of the context. So when we go to somebody, and we make that statement, hey, can I talk to you about that last time we worked together, for instance, they're still waiting. Now you've set the stage, you kind of give them the framework, they're waiting for you to paint the picture. And that allows you to step in and say, I'd like to ask you a question about what was the most meaningful thing that I contributed to that project for you? And you've brought it to another point of clarity. But now I've moved into that one thing. Like you said, when you offer just a general point, they're gonna guess what you need. They might step in, they might not. They might think you want to fix it, they might think you want them to listen, they won't know. But if you start with the right context, that moment of grace they take to be at the same place with you gives you a moment to look them in the eye and get agreement that yeah, okay, we're talking about the same thing. And they're still waiting for you to ask what it is you need. And it seems to be that just offering the clarity of context, minimizes someone's suddenness to come in and fix something, because it's a new way of approaching conversation. You're offering them clarity, and they're waiting.

Marisa Huston  10:30  
Yeah, you mentioned the next step in the process, the one thing. And I absolutely related to this. We have so much on our mind that when we're talking about something, we just want to dump everything out. And we talk about this and that and jump from one to the other. Then after the fact, you can't even remember what you talked about, and you've overwhelmed the other person with so much. You're not really addressing anything or even moving forward. And we talked about this as well in the podcast is you have to start with one step, you can't do a million things at once. That concept resonated with me. If you just do that one thing, and focus on that solely, then when you get that addressed, then you're ready to take on the next thing. So it doesn't stop you from doing other things. It just gives you more focus.

Carole Stizza  11:17  
Yes. And that was the most eye opening for me. Because I love the top three, or the top five, or lists. What are all the things we could do? I love having options, which when I started talking about this one thing idea, my husband laughed. He goes, can you handle it? And I go, I think I can. Here's why this one thing is so important for people to hear. I didn't realize that whenever we offer more than one thing, we are cheating the listener out of getting to know what's really the most important. Here's what I mean. If somebody were to come to you, and say, Marisa, that haircut is awesome. And they just offered that one amazing compliment, you would go all day going, this haircut is awesome. The cut the color, whatever. You get that whole moment, the whole day, just to let that compliment sink in in every dimension, so you can appreciate it. But if somebody came to you say Marisa, the haircut is awesome. Oh, nice outfit, new shoes. Now you go, huh? What do they want, because it's lost the meaning that it could have been intended. The reason that happens is we start weighing every single thing they offer equally, and marginalizing the value of each of them. And when I learned that, that's when I realized that multiple compliments, sound fake. They sound as if you have an agenda. That you're buttering people up. It could be they've only seen them in a year, and you want to compliment them on everything, but that's going to lose the intention. If you said, wow, Marisa, you got a great new look. The thing I like the most today, is that haircut. Very different than them listing off everything they like, right? 

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Marisa Huston  13:34  
It totally is. And that even applies to let's say at work. We always have a to do list. Everything's important. Everything's a priority. And if you start brainstorming and writing everything down and saying, okay, go do it, then you are not only overwhelmed, but you don't really know what's the priority? Like, where should I begin? Just narrowing that down to one thing allows you to take a step, address it and then look back and go okay, what's next on the list? I think that we're trained, Carole, to be multitaskers. It's like a badge of honor to say look at all the things I did. I have this paper and it's got 50 steps in it. Oh boy! My husband actually calls it multi failing. 

Carole Stizza  14:14  
Exactly. 

Marisa Huston  14:15  
In our minds. We're thinking this is wonderful. But we can't really do our best if we're trying to juggle too many things and not really focusing.

Carole Stizza  14:23  
Right? In fact, he has a point. Because while we can think of about three things well, at one time, we can only focus on one. So I remember juggling things at work. You've got your desk, you're typing an email, you're looking at the phone number that just came up, whether you're going to take it or not. You've got several piles on your desk. But if any one of those things starts to fall off your desk, your focus is only on the thing falling. So you can only focus on one thing at a time, even though we can technically think of three things. So we think we're multitasking and we're miss naming it. We're multi thinking but we have singular focus. And I think because we have glorified the multitasking, it has been a myth that men and women are different there.  Women can juggle, maybe nurture differently than men. But we all can think, in multiples, we all can focus singular. You can see a mom stirring a pot of soup, holding a baby and talking on the phone to her mother. The moment the baby starts to slip, or the soup starts to burn, the focus solely goes on that moment. Thankfully, she probably won't drop the baby, but she'll save the soup or not drop the phone. And to that point, people can appear as if they're multitasking. But their focus is only on one thing at any one time. And that was proven in neuroscience research. It actually provides a richer experience when you can bring a conversation to one focus. So this one thing had multiple reasons to show up in a conversation for that science background, as well as application or bridge conversation. 

Marisa Huston  15:58  
I love that visual, it really helps. We have these expectations and it's almost like we're so proud to show that, hey, look, I can do it all. Another example to that is like driving. If you're driving, you really need to focus on the road, because anything can happen at any time and if you're distracted by anything else, something's going to give. And let's hope it isn't your reaction when it comes to saving a life or saving yourself for that matter. It's really important to understand that and be aware of that, because I think that in our culture, specifically, we tend to say no, no, I can do it. I've been able to do it forever. At some point, realize that our brains are not wired to do that.

Carole Stizza  16:37  
Right. And if I were to help somebody put this into a context for work, I remember a co- worker who was very abrasive. And we've probably all met one where they value candor, almost at the expense of feelings. Truth bombs are more important than relationships. And I had the dubious honor of having a conversation about this. Can I have 15 minutes of your time? They agreed, I would like to talk to you about how much you value candor. And I just called it and they go, yes. I'd love to. Can you give me some insight into the biggest reason, you will choose candor over someone's feelings, and they just point blank asked them? And they took a moment and they said, you know, because I really want people to know, the truth. And then I had to bring him in and I said, can I give you an example of what this is doing to your reputation at work? And they go, Huh, yeah. And I gave them an example of when they had use candor, at the expense of someone's feelings. And the feelings actually were the client's feelings. And they didn't realize what they had done. And it allowed us to have a much richer conversation without them becoming defensive, without me being accusational. It was a revealing of the consequences of valuing at such high extreme. And that was a really great time to use that context, that one thing, and then bring in that example. They could see it in action and go, Oh, and realize that that was the effect. Then we talked about what to do with it, how to do it differently. I don't want them to stop valuing what they value. I don't want change, people. Perception was really gained there. I wanted to offer that example to bring this home for listeners of how it works.

Marisa Huston  18:30  
Yeah, I really love that third step to the example. We interpreted differently and that example really allows us to communicate how we're viewing it and make sure that the other person gets it, and that we're both on the same page. That helps in multiple ways. Because when you're in the situation where you have to be the person asking the question, we avoid it, because we're afraid that the other person is going to take it the wrong way. You're positioning it in a helpful and conversational way rather than in a critical way. Because the first thing we think about is why are you doing that? It's ridiculous. Can't you see that you're hurting this person's feelings or whatever. And it's always approached from negative standpoint, not very helpful. And it's hard for the person who's giving that feedback just as much as the person receiving it. And now you've taken that away and made it conversational, so that it's a win win on both ends.

Carole Stizza  19:22  
Correct. And I love how you brought up the fact that when we get frustrated, we just want to go why did you do that? And that kind of added a fourth layer to all of this because I could have said, now that you know the example why do you keep doing it? But instead you need to ask what and how questions. And here's the research behind that. And I'm a why lover. So this was a big aha moment for me.

Marisa Huston  19:45  
I think most of us why lovers. 

Carole Stizza  19:47  
Oh my goodness!

Marisa Huston  19:48  
That's the default. Why?

Carole Stizza  19:49  
Why? Like tell me what motivates you. Why? Simon Sinek. Know your why. I'm a big fan. What I learned when it comes to conversations is when why is introduced into a conversation, the other person receiving the why question like, why did this happen? Why did you do this? It makes them defensive. And it makes our brains go backwards. Because we have to go backwards to defend what we did to give them the why when, if you asked, What did you expect to see happen? How would you have preferred that be handled? If you ask what and how questions, you actually will get to someone's why much faster in a very genuine and professional way. That was huge for me.

Marisa Huston  20:28  
The thing about it, though, is I love all of this. I think it's so practical and very easy to understand and I think very effective. However, as we all know, when it's not something we're used to doing, our brains are kind of like clogged. We're going okay, I know, I need to get the context and I know that I need to ask for the one thing, and I know that I need to set an example. But how? How do I put that into words? And especially when I'm looking at the person in the office where I didn't necessarily plan ahead, and we're just having a conversation? What if I say the wrong thing? Or how do I put this into practice? Do you have any tips for us to start applying this in our day to day lives, whether it's at home with our spouses, and children and partners or whatnot, or even at work. Like, what's the easiest way to dip our toe into using these techniques?

Carole Stizza  21:16  
We'll the easiest way I found, and this was a surprise was to start practicing with the people who you think know you the best,. And you will learn things you never knew. For example, I'm a big walk the talk person,. If I'm going to suggest somebody do this, I want to try it out and understand what feelings are involved, what challenges are involved. So when I'm writing this book, I was like, oh,  I have to put this in practice too. One of the reasons I wrote the book was that people could go around collecting positive information, which we're really not trained to do. And so I started with my own family. And I just started asking simple things like, hey, honey, the last time we went on a date, right, that was the context, what was the one thing you enjoyed the most of our time together? And I learned something from his perspective, I never knew. I would have lost money if I had to bet in Vegas. And so I realized that this was an opportunity that when you ask these types of questions in a very curious and open way with specifics, people will offer them because we've never asked him before. For example, when I said what was the lasts time we went on date what was the one thing you enjoyed the most? And he said, you know, the one thing I enjoyed the most was seeing how you interact with the waitstaff and the bartender. Excuse me, this is like everyday stuff. I said, can you give me an example of what you mean by that? And he goes, I so enjoy the way you relate with other people. And I go, I had no idea. And he goes, really? I mean, we were married for 38 years? Because I would have thought you already knew that. And I go, no. I had no idea that that's what you took enjoyment in, that you liked watching these interactions. What would make the next time as equally enjoyable? Right? I started right into a what question. He just went off on a wonderful nother story. And I applied it to the last trip my daughter and I took and I applied it to the last time my son and I got to visit. And I just started learning how they see me, how they see the world around them, how they interpret things that I never knew. So it allows me to get to know other people from a richer perspective of getting to see life through their eyes, in a way we just don't do on a daily basis, because it's not taught to us.

Marisa Huston  23:26  
Oh my gosh, that is so helpful. As you were saying that I was also thinking maybe we could use email as a tool as well. In the sense that it allows us to really think about those questions, send it out, see what kind of responses you get. And then get comfortable with the verbiage and how you position it because you don't want to sound robotic, when you're asking these questions or make it sound like you are interrogating them. It has to come naturally. But I think that's just going to happen with practice. And I find that if you have enough time to give it thought in you use, for example, email like a tool where you're not feeling like there's going to be banter back and forth right away, and you're going to be caught off guard, you can really give it some thought and put it out there, then you'll start building your confidence. And then at some point, when you actually talk to somebody, you can throw it in there. It could be somebody at home. And you can even say to them, hey, I want to ask these questions of you. Can you help me out and see where that leads? I think we overthink it sometimes because we don't want to sound like it's contrived. 

Carole Stizza  24:23  
So we do have a wonderful talent for overthinking everything. One of the interesting things and this is from Mel Robbins, do something just five seconds. If you don't do something in five seconds, you'll talk yourself out of it. And that is very true here. So if you're really wanting to gain insights, like truly wanting to learn, decide if you want to learn something positive, or an area for growth. And the reason I say it that way is we're taught in school to learn how to make a good grade. So we take that into work and like how can I improve? And that's the only question we know thinking we'll also be told what we do well, which never happens. So Then we just keep learning how to improve and then we start lowering our confidence, which is why this framework is so needed right now. If you're really wanting to go in and find areas that are positive, or areas for growth, it's because your brain is always looking for either where to be accepted and respected, or where to grow next. It doesn't have a space, it's not scanning for negativity. I always coach people to figure out what it is you want to learn about what you do well, and think of the time that you worked with somebody and just go say, hey, when the last time we work together, what's the one thing that I added to the success of that team that you could share with me? And can you give me an example of how you experienced that? It's just a 123. And practice that. Here's what I want from you about this. I just want one thing that you can share with me and how you experienced it. And they'll go hmm, I need to think about that. It's been a while. You're great. Come back to me when you do. Yeah, because you've given them a way to be successful doing it. They just have to put some time and think about it. And they will. Now here's the interesting thing. We are in control of how much information we receive. This person may come back, oh, I've got the information. Here's all the things you did. No, I just want to know, what was the most successful thing I offered, not all of them. I just want one. I want to know what was the most. And they'll tell you. And here's the next step. Well, you know what, today, I can only handle one thing. But I'm glad you have more, can I come back to you when I'm ready? And they'll go oh yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Marisa Huston  26:31  
People love being asked. They want to share their opinion. And you're not asking them about them necessarily. You're asking them for their feedback. And they appreciate it. Because when you ask them, you're sending a message that what they have to say is of value. That alone builds relationships. It makes you closer to the person. And I think that's a fantastic place to start. This is just a bird's eye view of the examples that you go through in your book and share. And that's why I thought it was so powerful and I'm really, really glad that you were able to put it into words and give us more ideas as to how we can implement it. Carol, would you please share how people can get a hold of you, learn more about what you offer, as well as get access to your book.

Carole Stizza  26:32  
I love for people to connect with me on LinkedIn. My name is Carole, it's spelled with an E on the end, so CA R O L E. And my last name is spelled citize S T I Z Z A. So you can find me on LinkedIn. I do have a website. It's www.relevant-insight.com. And if they would like a copy of the book, it's on Amazon and I'm always grateful when people go to Amazon and purchase a book and leave a review. And it's called The Ask framework on Amazon. I just appreciate anytime I get to connect and interact with people. I do have a Facebook page, I'm on Instagram. I'm on the different social media platforms that you'd expect. But I always invite people to go to LinkedIn first. It's just a professional place where we can help people have those great professional conversations they really, really want to have.

Marisa Huston  27:57  
Carole, thank you. I am so thrilled that you were able to share this with us.

Carole Stizza  28:01  
Thank you for hosting and thank you for the podcast you offer everybody. 

Marisa Huston  28:05  
That's a wrap for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks for listening, and thanks to Carol Stizza for joining us on the show. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speakpipe.com/lbovm or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show, please visit www.liveblissedout.com to reach out, subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!