103 - Whose Negative Voice Is In Your Head?

Intro  0:03  
This is Episode 103 on the Live Blissed Out podcast. Did you know that 70% of successful people have experienced imposter syndrome throughout their careers? Hello, action taker! Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspirational and informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help you get the scoop on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping you achieve bliss through awareness and action. So let's get to it. In this episode, Christine Daspro shares her insights on imposter syndrome, the idea that you have succeeded due to luck and not your talent and qualifications. She helps you get through that mindset and recognize the leader you are. Christine brings over 30 years experience in the corporate, financial and nonprofit sectors. As the founder of Threads Of Leadership, Christine dedicates her professional time to motivate individuals and teams, connect leaders and provide practical tools and resources to her clients. She empowers others to develop and use their story in taking leadership to a higher level. Visit www.threadsofleadership.com to learn more, and sign up to receive your assessment on imposter syndrome. 

Disclaimer  1:30  
The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only and any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. 

Marisa Huston  1:43  
Christine, welcome to the show. 

Christine Daspro  1:45  
Thank you, Marisa, I'm very excited about our topic today. 

Marisa Huston  1:48  
Could you explain what we're gonna be talking about and how it can help our listeners?

Christine Daspro  1:53  
It'll be my pleasure? I'd love to talk a little bit about imposter syndrome in our leadership. It's a very broad term. I think it's used quite often today. And it really just means are you comfortable in the space that you are stepping into as a leader? And what I mean by that is, are you confident enough? Do you feel that you can move forward in achieving what your goals are? So a lot of times with imposter syndrome, we raise our hand, and we're not fully engaged or fully understand what's being asked of us when we take on a new job, a new title, a new project. And I talk about this more on the professional side, but it means somewhat the same thing on your personal side. So imposter syndrome is when you're creating that aura or that you're putting yourself in that space of the Why me? And sometimes people say why me and that's that's self pity. When you thinking about imposter syndrome, it's not self pity. It's really just you challenging yourself to why you're taking on these new roles and responsibilities.

Marisa Huston  3:08  
Could that be a situation where you wanna teach something and you think that you're qualified because you've had maybe a year or two under your belt. But then there's somebody out there that you admire that perhaps taught you what you know about that subject matter and then you start to question yourself and say, why would people pick me over that person? Am I qualified enough? Is that a question that you would ask if you were feeling that way?

Christine Daspro  3:33  
Yes, absolutely. But it doesn't mean that you don't know the information and you don't know the content. There's always going to be someone else in your field, that's going to have more experience, more knowledge, more education, especially if you have a mentor that you're following in their footsteps, you're definitely going to have that self doubt. Like why would someone choose me over them or choose her over myself? People come and will choose you because there's a trust factor that's happening. When you begin to engage individuals, you can be brilliant in your field. If people don't feel comfortable, and they don't feel that you're being authentic in bringing your best self to the table they're not going to trust you. No matter how much you know about it they're not going to be comfortable engaging with you. So to your point and to your question, Marisa, you don't have to dot every I and cross every t. Imposter syndrome, a lot of that has to do with your own experiences. Every single one of us in every phase of our career, we have stepped into imposter syndrome. We have questioned ourselves in our abilities to achieve it, to move forward, do I have the skills? It's all part of learning learning and leadership is a journey it's not a sprint. You move forward every single day and every single day you're going to find something different about yourself as you move forward in your growth and in how you lead others.

Marisa Huston  5:15  
I'm looking at it as you have something, whatever that something is that that other individual perhaps doesn't. It could be something as simple as maybe that person that taught you what you know, is so popular now that they don't even know you by name, they don't even know you exist, they're not approachable, you can't talk to them, because they're too big. Perhaps you're coming from that space where you know, I can give that personal attention that this other individual can't. So there's already a benefit in terms of what I can offer that this other person is unable to at this point.

Christine Daspro  5:48  
You're absolutely correct. And what happens sometimes, is when you get that popular, and you're that much in demand, you're very separated from your audience, or the individual that you would be working with or talking to. So a lot of times, I will get individuals that will work with me, because I have that special time that I can dedicate to them. I can listen a lot more intently. My schedule is not necessarily so packed, that it's just Oh, another person. That's the worst thing you can ever make anybody feel.  The individual that's coming to me or to you or to anybody in the field, they're gravitated to and want to learn more about and how they can apply it in their own leadership journey. And even when I use the word leadership, it's a big umbrella, it is so huge. And leadership doesn't necessarily mean that you have a team of people that you're leading.  Leadership is you as an individual on how you impact other people. So it could be your family, it could be your friends, it could be your co workers, it could be the person at the grocery store that you said a kind word to.

Marisa Huston  7:05  
We don't think about that, Christine. Because you think leader means I am in charge of a group of people. And so I'm glad you brought that up, because I think we need to think of it in a different sense. 

Christine Daspro  7:16  
Absolutely. So, when I say the word leadership, sometimes everybody thinks, oh, I have to be in the corporate setting, I need to have the ability to climb the corporate ladder, and all of this stuff. That's not true. You can be a sole entrepreneur, and you're leading, you're leading your customers, you're leading the consultants that you might be working with. Leading means that people are engaged with what you have to say. And you become more of an influencer than anything. Every one of us are leaders. If you're a parent, you're a leader, you're influencing your children, you're influencing your family. I was chatting with somebody yesterday, and I said, I know there's a million parenting books out there. But when you become a parent, you just feel like you're standing there alone sometimes. That you are the only one experiencing it. And the fact is, is that it's a new experience and every new experience has its mountains, and it has its plateaus, and it goes up and down. And when we have more of the downturn is when we start sitting in the space of imposter syndrome.

Marisa Huston  8:24  
Are there particular individuals that you find in your experience that then to have imposter syndrome over other individuals?

Christine Daspro  8:33  
We'll always say, you know, women may sit in imposter syndrome more than men do. I think it can be very equal. Men just tend to hide it a bit better. They have a tendency, they can fudge it a little bit more. I'm sure yourself and most of your listeners have heard, there's a job description out there and there's 10 qualifications, there's 10 skills that are needed. A man may have two of them and still apply for the job and say, oh, I'll get to know the rest of them. Where a woman would not apply for it, because she only has eight out of the 10 and needs to work on the other two.

Marisa Huston  9:03  
Because we're so critical of ourselves!

Christine Daspro  9:06  
We are very critical. So it really depends. And I think women tend to sit in that space a lot more because we are judged a lot more. We're supposed to be an expert in everything that we put our hands on. And that's totally impossible.

Marisa Huston  9:23  
Impossible. That's why I always say forget perfection. Just start doing it and then you'll get better.

Christine Daspro  9:29  
A lot of times, it'll be individuals to your point Marisa, where they've raised their hand to take on a new job, and they really don't have all the details but they figured if I don't raise my hand, I'm never gonna have another opportunity if I let this pass by. And they raise their hand. They take on the new responsibilities, they take on a new team and all of a sudden, they're stepping into their new role, and they realize it's more than they thought it was going to be.

Marisa Huston  9:59  
I think all of us have experienced that.

Christine Daspro  10:01  
Yeah. And there's areas where you've never done that type of work. Individuals in general, we become leaders, and we gain followers, and we gain individuals that will trust us when we can admit that we're not perfect.

Intro  10:19  
I think if you're honest enough to say, I've made that mistake, I've been there, I've fallen. And because I have, I think that I can help you overcome that. You may still make mistakes, but I can help you make less mistakes. There's some credibility to that.

Christine Daspro  10:36  
Absolutely. Because you become more human to them. And a lot of times when we don't share our own personal journey, or professional journey, when a situation comes up that we have experienced, is when we sit in imposter syndrome. People have to realize you've gone through it. It's okay to feel that way, it's okay to have self doubt, it's okay to say, you know, I don't really know how to do this, but I'm going to find the person that's going to help me achieve this. No great leader from running the free world to running a corporation has all the answers. They surround themselves with the people that could help them achieve what they've been asked to achieve. So you surround yourself around people that have the skill set that you don't have that are going to help you shine.

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Marisa Huston  12:10  
Personally, what I think is happening is people are comparing themselves to people that have been doing it whatever that it is for so long and so well that they expect that they should perform to that level. Let's say that you are going to start a course on whatever subject matter you want to teach people. What I find holds people back when it comes to that is they're trying to create the perfect course, the course that has every piece of information. Not just that, but perfect sound, perfect lighting, perfect colors and backgrounds. Because what's happening is the courses that they purchased in the past look like that. These are professionals. They have teams of people, production crews, everything behind the scenes, but it doesn't show like that. And they go, well I have to be to that level because if I can't deliver to that level, I'm not worthy of sharing my knowledge. And I personally fell into that trap. And I realized that people just want to learn and there are things you can share with them that don't necessarily have to be that complicated. That they can be things that you can provide to them more simply and to the point and not with a lot of bells and whistles. But then as you put it out there, you gain more confidence, you grow and perhaps someday you'll get to that level.

Christine Daspro  13:28  
I totally agree. You brought out some really good points Marisa. We forget that there are teams of people that put all of this stuff together. You look at authors, and they have 10 books a year. I can guarantee you that they have ghost writers. You know what I mean. It's not them sitting there, maybe some of them do. Or newsletters that go out every single week and they're so polished and they're so perfect and they have all of this content. They have the people that are doing that for them that help them shine and be seen as that expert in their field. It's perfectly fine. We want to get to that point. But you can't get to that point without being vulnerable and without being visible. And without having a lot of stumbling blocks aometimes. It's okay to stumble.

Marisa Huston  14:16  
It's a journey. It takes a while to get to that point and we just want to get there because it seems like it happens overnight. Like you see this individual for the first time not really understanding the history and what they've been through to get to where they are. We just assume oh, if they're able to do it, I should be able to and if I can't, then I'm not worthy of it. 

Christine Daspro  14:34  
Absolutely. I'll give me your listeners a personal story. I spent 30 years on Wall Street. I mean, I lived in New York all my life in the move down here to Colorado in 2006. But for 30 years, I worked on Wall Street and predominantly male culture. Very few women had leadership roles. And I was very blessed that I was surrounded by individuals that saw this talent that I had that I didn't even know I had and I will I was able to advance my career, staying with the same organization. I lived in imposter syndrome and didn't even know it. When I started to realize that after awhile, is when I became two different people. The one I was when I left my house at six o'clock in the morning and was out until eight o'clock at night, I performed the way that other people wanted me to perform. I wasn't being my true self. When I walked into my home is when I became the real me. And by that point, I was so exhausted, all I wanted to do is go to sleep. So until later on, did I realize you can't live two different people. If you're having a bad day, it's okay to have a bad day. If you have something personal that's happening in your life, you can't keep it outside, once you walk into your corporate office. If it's that impactful on your life, it's going to be on your mind, it might affect a bit of your performance. But you have to be honest enough to go to your leadership and say, this is what's happening. I just wanted you to be aware of it. You see that I'm not on my game today. Can you give me a little bit of bandwidth? You have to be honest. If you're not is when you sit in that world of self doubt. Because when you start to think about how your day went, you'll start to realize that there where pitfalls. And could you have avoided those pitfalls if you were truly honest with your team, with your leadership, even with your clients? You know, I'm not saying that you sit at a meeting and the tears come down your face. I'm not saying that you get that emotional over it. But you can be honest with people because you're human, and everybody has a personal side to their life. It's not all business.

Marisa Huston  16:46  
How do people even know when they're having imposter syndrome? Is it something that's pretty obvious or does it need to be diagnosed by a professional?

Christine Daspro  16:54  
Truthfully, it is pretty honest. It could be as simple as something that when you're having a conversation with someone and you start to describe something, or you're answering a question, and you'll say to them, does that make sense to you? You're doubting yourself, when you say that to somebody. You're not sitting with that confidence that what you told them was the full explanation to answer the question, whatever the case may be. So you may not even know you're in it. So when you ask somebody that, oh, does that make sense? Or, you know, I'm not really sure how to exactly explain it. You're sitting in imposter syndrome. You know it. You're just looking for the perfect words, and there's no perfect words.

Marisa Huston  16:56  
So it could be like an inner voice inside of you that's doubtful. Is that what that is?

Christine Daspro  17:16  
It's an inner voice that because you don't have all the answers. The best thing that you can do for yourself and to someone that you're with a client, a leader, anybody is when you don't know the answer, admit you don't know the answer. You're with the client, and the client says something to you and it's not your area of expertise, be honest, and say, that's not my field. Let me go to the experts and I will come back to you. And you commit a time that you're going to go back to them and make sure that you live up to what you've committed to.

Marisa Huston  18:18  
The people that you work with, when they see that they appreciate you because you're actually taking the time to look for the answers rather than just spew something out that may not be even accurate, because you just want to sound good.

Christine Daspro  18:31  
Yeah. And other ways that it shows up to is when you don't ever want to contradict someone. You don't want your voice to be so strong, that you make the other person feel inadequate. When you're coming across, too too powerful you're living in imposter syndrome.

Marisa Huston  18:51  
So a little bit of humility. A lot of times when people ask me a question that I don't know the answer to I start by saying, Wow, that's a fantastic question. I don't know. But you know what? I'm glad you asked it. I want to learn what the answer is and I want to be able to provide you with the correct information. So let me look that up and I'll get back to you. How cool is that?

Christine Daspro  19:12  
It is. We're constantly learning. If you think that our leadership journey or whatever journey that you're on is a sprint, it's going to be so disappointing. We constantly need to learn. And I believe that when we share our personal stories or our experiences with other individuals, you're giving them permission to feel the way they feel is okay. If you stand there and you come across as this perfect person, people are going to feel that wall up, because none of us are perfect.

Marisa Huston  19:48  
Yeah, you start to actually question that individual when they come across a so polished. Then you start to wonder, are they playing a part or is this real because it can't be. None of us are perfect. There are no exceptions. There are just some people that are brilliant at what they do. But it's also taken them years to perfect. And so we're not comparing ourselves in the right way. And even if we do compare, maybe we never get to that level, that's okay. Because there are other attributes that you have that the other person could never touch. 

Christine Daspro  20:20  
You're absolutely correct. 

Marisa Huston  20:21  
What can they do then, after listening to us, and they go, that's me. I didn't realize I have imposter syndrome and I'm feeling that. I'm feeling like I'm just not good enough. Like, why will people want to pay me or listen to me or be a part of my community or anything along those lines. If they're thinking that right now, what's a quick activity that they can do in order to help them not only realize that they're in it, but take a step towards addressing that issue.

Christine Daspro  20:51  
The exercise is not simple, but how to go about it, I find can have a simplicity to it. I'm a paper person. So everything's on paper. And one of the best things that you can do for yourself is to just take a legal pad, draw a line down the middle. If you're in a space, where you're self doubting your abilities, your skills, and you constantly have that why and that negative chatter in your head. And what I mean by negative chatter is that you're questioning every move that you're going to make, I suggest taking that legal pad, drawing a line down the middle and if it really pertains to you taking on a new role, or taking on a new project, put on the top of the page strengths and weaknesses and put down the things that you do well. I'm not talking about paragraphs. It could just be a sentence, it could be one word. And then put the things down of your weaknesses, areas that you need to improve on, areas that you have no interest in learning about. When you start to see the clarity is when you start to get some balance in how you move forward. So if you're taking on a new role, taking on a new job, before you raise your hand, one, you want to understand what the role and responsibilities are. And then you want to see, do you have the skill set and the strengths to take on the job without questioning your ability to do it? Just write things down, write your strengths, write your weaknesses, write your passion, on what you really enjoy doing in a job, and write down the things you don't like doing in a job. I have told women that I have mentored, I've said to them, you know, when they'll stay in a job for a couple of years, and all of a sudden, it's not what they want. And I always say to them, when you're looking at a job description, to move on. If the job description has 10 skills that you need to have, and the top, possibly three to five are things you don't like to do, don't apply for it, because that's a big part of the job. It's how they list the roles and responsibilities or the skill sets that are needed.

Marisa Huston  23:04  
It sounds so simple, but it's not as obvious sometimes to some people.

Christine Daspro  23:09  
Right. So I think it's the simplicity of just writing things down, writing why you're questioning the next move that you make. And I think when you start to visualize it, and see it is when you can address it, and take it out of your head, when you can write things down...strengths, weaknesses, passions, purpose, your mind gets decluttered and you can sort it out a little better.

Marisa Huston  23:34  
Everything you said goes back to the whole purpose of this podcast. It's about creating awareness. Helping people see things that they likely would never know, were there and then giving them the confidence to figure out what it is that's holding them back so that they can take a step. And it's not going to be a leap. It's going to be a step. But it's a step towards where they need to be. It's about developing ourselves to better ourselves and to be fulfilled in some way. And we need to have that confidence in order to make that happen.

Christine Daspro  24:10  
You're absolutely correct. And a lot of times what we forget is that our skills, our experience, our knowledge is transferable. And what I mean by that is, when I left Merrill Lynch, after 30 years, I thought the only thing I could do was work in the financial industry because that's what I did. Until I finally sat down and I didn't do it alone, I had a coach. And realize that the work that I did was my strengths and they were transferable. It was just a particular industry that I worked in. But the skills that I brought to the table we're transferable to any industry.

Marisa Huston  24:51  
We just need to know that and confidence will come with that awareness and then taking those little steps towards where we need to be. If you keep second guessing yourself or comparing yourself, or saying I'm not good enough, you're going to be exactly where you are today. Now, if you want to be there, that's totally fine. But I think most of us, we want to improve, we want to contribute. Because if we're stopping ourselves, we're actually shortchanging the people around us, because they look to us to help them in whatever capacity. Could you tell our listeners, how they can get ahold of you and learn more about the services that you offer? 

Christine Daspro  25:29  
Oh, it would be my pleasure. My phone number is 303-877-2453. And I always welcome a 15 minute, half hour conversation. If I can help you work through something, I would love to do that. My website is www.threadsofleadership.com and you can become part of my mailing. And when you do that, I will send you an assessment and you can work through some of those questions. And then I'm happy to just go over it with you. So you can contact me at [email protected] or as my phone number or just become part of my mailing list and take the assessment and we can talk about it after you do that.

Marisa Huston  26:14  
Thank you, Christine, for being here.

Christine Daspro  26:16  
Thank you for allowing me to share. The reason I get up every morning and it is really to help others get some clarity and just be able to move forward with a positive approach.

Outro  26:27  
That's a wrap for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks for listening, and thanks to Christine Daspro for joining us on the show. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speakpipe.com/lbovm or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show, please visit www.liveblissedout.com to reach out, subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!