075 - EQ & Resilience

Marisa Huston  0:05  
Welcome to Episode 75 on the Live Blissed Out podcast. Did you know that unlike IQ or intelligence quotient, your EQ score can be improved throughout your lifetime? Hello, action takers Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspirational and informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help us get the scoop and the lowdown on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping achieve bliss through awareness and action. Thanks for joining me. The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only. And any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. Joining us is Sandy Lamb. Sandy is a graduate from Johns Hopkins University with an MBA in International Business. She is chair for the Colorado Springs regional Action Committee for the Women's Foundation of Colorado, chair of 4Word Colorado Springs, VP of membership for downtown Toastmasters, and a speaker coach for TEDx Colorado Springs, and Breckinridge. She has a passion for helping executive women and is known for challenging the status quo to get the best out of your greatest asset, people. As owner and CEO of Altitude Business Coaching, Sandy will help you build a culture of belonging and mutual respect between men and women in the workplace. To learn more, visit www.sandylamb.focalpointcoaching.com. Sandy, thank you for being here.

Sandy Lamb  1:57  
Thank you for having me, I'm looking forward to it.

Marisa Huston  2:00  
This subject matter is something I've been looking forward to talking about for a very long time. And I'm so glad I got introduced to you so we can have a nice conversation about it. You know, I remember when I was a kid, it was standard for us to be asked to take an IQ test. And it was something we knew about at an early age. But I didn't learn about EQ for many, many years after that. I don't think it was anything that anybody really spoke about. And then it just made sense to me, because EQ to me, is such an important component. And again, for people who may not know what that is that's emotional intelligence quotient. This emotional intelligence is very, very important because it's a way that we exist in the world. We are social creatures. We have to relate to other people and relate to ourselves as well. And understanding this is going to help us be our best. If we are so used to measuring our intelligence, like our IQ, how do we go about measuring EQ and what exactly is involved in that? What is included in that measurement?

Sandy Lamb  3:12  
Sure, EQ stands for emotional quotient. The EQ is the actual assessment that is done. And I use in particular TTI success insights as my emotional quotient assessment tool, and that measures our levels of emotional intelligence in five different areas. So the five areas that are assessed are self awareness, self regulation, motivation, social awareness or empathy and social regulation. Let's step back a second. Emotional intelligence in general is your ability to really sense understand and effectively apply the power of your emotion to bring about collaboration and productivity. So when we work on building our EQ or building our levels of emotional intelligence, it ultimately leads to better decision making, higher productivity, that sort of thing. That's why it's so important. But just to dig into the actual assessment, it assesses emotional intelligence from two different perspectives. One is the intrapersonal. So looking at introspectively, my own self awareness, my level of emotional intelligence and knowledge of my emotions as they're occurring in real time. And then self regulation is how do I manage those effectively. And motivation is something that is, at least in this assessment goes beyond money, or status in terms of what motivates me to go to work every day, to get up every morning and do what I do. So those are all part of the intrapersonal side. And then interpersonal is the next level, which is once I've gotten to a point where I'm good at managing my own emotions, what is my knowledge of how those emotions impact relationships with other people? And that's the interpersonal side, which comes about with the social awareness, empathy, and social regulation.

Marisa Huston  4:56  
It's basically split up into two categories. And within that you have these five areas that you measure. 

Sandy Lamb  5:03  
Correct. 

Marisa Huston  5:04  
I'm curious, which one tends to have the lowest score of those five areas?

Sandy Lamb  5:10  
Yeah, it's pretty consistent, I have found with my clients. This EQ assessment is something that I do is standard for all of my new coaching clients. It's a good way for me to get a baseline for them and a good way for them to see where they are and where they want to grow and develop from there. And I always recommend that they work on just one area, right?  Don't try and tackle two or three areas at once. I would say, of all of my clients, and even overall with TTI success insights in terms of the average, self awareness, most of my clients tend to be pretty average or above average there. And where I see the wheels fall off is really at self regulation. And that is just your ability to control or redirect kind of disruptive impulses and moods. Like if I'm in a mood, it's going to come out, you know, and I'm going to react versus respond. And then the other thing that's really, really important to self regulation that people struggle with is the propensity to suspend judgment. So we can tend to be kind of judgmental. 

Marisa Huston  6:06  
Really, yah think?

Sandy Lamb  6:08  
 In the world today, you're seeing that people are just very judgmental of it's like, I'm right, you're wrong, you know, that kind of thing. And it's not this era of collaboration, right? It's more of this area of competition, especially in corporate America. So self regulation is by far I would say the lowest area that I see on assessments with my clients, and typically then is the area that we focus on primarily,

Marisa Huston  6:31  
You're absolutely right. And I don't think anybody's going to disagree, because we see it all around us, especially with the exposure to social media in today's world. I was watching a lady the other day on YouTube, and she was talking about how people were sending her messages saying that she had horrible teeth, and she needed to get them fixed because they couldn't stand looking at her. And that's just a terrible thing to say to somebody, right? And she had to respond by saying, I like my teeth, and I don't want to fix them. I'm not a perfect person and I like the fact that I have these imperfections. And if you appreciate who I am then great and if you don't, that's totally fine. And I consider that such a mature response. But at the same time, that's a form of judgment. It just seems, and I don't know if it's because of the times or because we can...Why does it seem like people are just so judgmental about every little thing? Like they want to tell you how to live your life or how to think or what to do?

Sandy Lamb  7:28  
Yeah, that's a good question. I'm laughing because I have a 14 year old daughter. She knows the work that I do with coaching and she knows I've talked to them all about emotional intelligence. Come to think of it, I should give them an assessment. I haven't done that. But I think I should try that. She calls me out. And I love that she does that. If I'm saying something or she overhears a conversation that I have, she'll say, Mom, you're being kind of judgy. And she uses that term. And I just think it's so funny. And so she calls me out on it. I think the important thing to note there is that oftentimes we do it unconsciously. I like to think that most people set out to do a good job. That most people set out to be kind, to be open to one another. But I think sometimes that people disagree with us, we tend to get defensive, and we tend to be judgmental, and that's just part of our nature. This is intrapersonal. So if we're working on self awareness and self regulation, it's all about us and how we respond. So I think that's important to note. That you can't control what other people say and do to you. But you can control how you respond. And so the more that you can temper that response, the more that you can take a breath and not be defensive and not react in the moment, the more you then work to build your emotional intelligence.

Marisa Huston  8:44  
It's easier said than done. I would assume you have to learn that. You have to build the habit. You're self aware. You get the fact that you get triggered. So knowing that then will allow you to address it so that you can practice it so that when you're faced with that situation, you handle it in a different way.

Sandy Lamb  9:01  
I see it as a huge positive that most of my clients are very self aware. Because that's the foundation. If you can't be aware of your emotions as they're occurring in real time, then there's no way for you to manage them effectively. So the fact that they are self aware to me is just a positive. I look at it as that we can work on this other stuff. But if you have a problem with self awareness, that's a whole different story.

Marisa Huston  9:25  
Yeah, cuz you're in denial. And if you're not going to accept the fact that there's room for improvement, let's say, well then how are you going to fix it?

Sandy Lamb  9:31  
Exactly.

Marisa Huston  9:32  
Can you have a high IQ and a low EQ and vice versa?

Sandy Lamb  9:38  
Yeah, absolutely. One of the things that is a little unknown fact that I share with most of the people that I talk with on the subject is that IQ is something that you know you're born with sort of a general intelligence level. Yes, you can work to build your knowledge throughout your lifetime, but your IQ is set and is capped at a certain age. I'm not going to get into all the details of the brain and how the brain develops. But at a certain age, you know, 25 for adults, is when you cap your IQ. EQ, on the contrary is something you can work to develop throughout your lifetime. So that's why I always give the assessment, establish a baseline put together an action plan to build your EQ because it's something you can continue to work on. And quite frankly, working on it makes you a better person and a more effective leader.

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Marisa Huston  11:01  
So let's say you come across somebody who is extremely intelligent. Maybe they're a genius in math or science, but they have a really low EQ. Is that going to hinder them in some way from being successful?

Sandy Lamb  11:15  
That's a great question! One of the things that I share is Daniel Goleman, who is kind of the modern day thought leader of EQ says that 90% of the difference between star performers and average performers in senior leadership positions is EQ. And in my line of work, I do executive coaching for women in male dominated industries. So I do coach a lot of Women Engineers, and I'm married to an engineer. So I can say this. They think differently. Sometimes when we have high levels of intelligence, and we see things in black and white, we're not always so good at reading people. And emotional quotient and emotional intelligence is about reading other people. It is about managing your own emotions, but being able to understand how those emotions impact other people. To directly answer your question, I would say yes, it's going to impact them in terms of their growth opportunities. Absolutely. Because I think to move up within an organization and really demonstrate yourself as an effective leader, not only takes the smarts, if you would the IQ side of things, it also takes the ability to build relationships. What gets you to that next level, in my mind is your ability to build some sustainable relationships.

Marisa Huston  12:26  
So if somebody does not score well on EQ, is there hope? Can they improve upon that? Can everybody learn to improve their EQ in some way?

Sandy Lamb  12:36  
Absolutely. But again, like with anything, it takes a commitment to doing it. It takes a want and a desire. I can tell you that your EQ score is low in self regulation and if you don't really care about building your relationships, or about how you work to react, it's going to take self discipline on the part of the individual. And most of the people, I will say, I have been very, very successful with people that I've coached in terms of building their confidence, having their ability to build relationships. But it's because they were committed to doing it. So yeah. If the intent is there, and the focus is there, and the self discipline is there, absolutely, you can work to build it.

Marisa Huston  13:15  
So it's kind of like exercise for your emotions. You don't just wake up and build muscles, you've got to do the work in order to feel stronger and run faster, or do whatever it is that you want to achieve. And the same goes with your EQ. You got to work on it. Let's assume then, that somebody scores really high on EQ. Let's say in a certain category, specifically, they're doing really well on that. Is it possible for that person at some point to regress? Not do as well in that category, and then maybe improve in another? 

Sandy Lamb  13:49  
Sure. And I say all the time that we're a product of our experiences. So I just have a client who got promoted to a VP level. And so she's in a whole nother role. That means she's now working to build all new relationships, right? And she's going to be interacting with different people than she has necessarily. Now she's in a global role where she was just a US role before. And now all of a sudden, she's going to look at this from a global perspective and I need to care about what the people in Europe do, as opposed to the people just in the US. So from that perspective, I think EQ scores, and that assessment can change based on your circumstances. The other assessment that I do is a stress quotient. So that was really big last year, because I did a lot of stress quotients for people to identify different stressors in the workplaces. So as those things change, and as your role changes, and as things in your personal life change. What if you're going through a divorce? What if you have a loss of a family member? All of those things certainly have an impact on our emotions, and our ability to manage those effectively. So yeah, absolutely. The scores could change and you know, where you could start out being high in motivation. You could get a new job, or you could just get burnt out from your job and then all of a sudden, now my motivation scores are dipping, because I'm not really excited about my work anymore.

Marisa Huston  15:09  
How often should we be checking our EQ?

Sandy Lamb  15:12  
I always say establish a baseline and then what I tell people is put together an action plan and focus in on one particular area. And I don't know that you need to continue redoing the assessments like with great frequency, but I would say, at a milestone. So if you do change jobs, it's probably a good time to reassess from that perspective, or you know, something in your life changes, it's probably a good point in time to establish a new baseline, 

Marisa Huston  15:38  
You know, what that reminds me of is like, when you're looking at your insurance policy, and you have a big change in your life. Like, let's say, you changed houses, or you bought a new car or whatever, then you know, oops, I better look at my insurance policy and see if I have everything in line because I have new changes that took place. So this kind of reminds me of that. You want to look at where you're at now and then when big changes happen in your life, you might want to reevaluate your EQ at that point.

Sandy Lamb  16:03  
Sure. And also, it's important. Because I always say that what gets measured gets done. So when I work with clients on a particular area, and we put together action plan, and we want to progressively improve in that area, then you want to see progress. So it's good to reassess and see how the scores change.

Marisa Huston  16:19  
I hear a lot about consistency. And I am a believer of consistency because if you do not do the work on a consistent basis...And this applies to so many things that we relate to like for example, let's say that you wanted to post on social media. Well, if you only post once a year, or even once a month, as opposed to several times a week, you're going to see different results. Consistency is very important to see the kind of results that you're looking for. To achieve what you want to achieve. But then there's resiliency, and resiliency really has to do with being able to keep at it in the sense that when things happen, that don't necessarily go your way or maybe affect your motivation or affect something that makes you want to continue to do something, then you tend to get discouraged, and you back off and you say, okay, I give up, right> And I think that's a very important thing to look at because if we're not resilient, then it's going to be hard for us to forge ahead. Can we talk about resiliency and how that relates to EQ?

Sandy Lamb  17:25  
My signature talk that I speak on at conferences has always been around leading with emotional intelligence. Last year, for obvious reasons, in the midst of a pandemic, and everything else that was going on, I added this topic of resiliency and sort of tried to tie the two of them together. So if you look at the definitions, and what I shared with you about emotional intelligence as kind of your ability to effectively apply the power of emotions to facilitate higher levels of productivity. And then you look at the definition of resiliency, which I look at as high levels of effectiveness and well being in times of disruption. So you see the common denominators, there are effectiveness. It's how can I be more effective? How can I be more productive in a state of disruption. So what I love about EQ and tying it to resilience is that when I work on one, I effectively work on building the other. So it's all about flexing those muscles, like we talked about, and building them both at the same time. So let me give you an example. One of the building blocks for resilience is centered, specifically around calming, and managing your emotional energy. So the idea of overcoming negative thoughts and remaining motivated. So you can see how focusing in on that particular aspect of managing emotional energy is, in turn going to increase your level of emotional intelligence at the same time. So I love that you can work on one and at the same time benefit in both areas.

Marisa Huston  19:03  
I know there are people out there that really dwell. They worry all the time. Like every little thing is a huge deal and they just worry and worry. They don't do anything about it. They don't come up with resolutions or try to manage it more effectively for themselves. They are just worrying all the time. Like oh my gosh, this is gonna happen. Oh, my gosh, what am I going to do? And they get themselves to the point of such stress and anxiety. And it's just a vicious cycle. They can never get past it. How do they manage that better?

Sandy Lamb  19:37  
So one of the things that I tell people all the time...I've been married to my husband now for almost 24 years. And one of the things that he told me very early on, and he's an engineer, like I said, very black and white, is never to worry about things that you have no control over. And those words just ring in my head all the time. And when I'm coaching women, I talk about that specifically. So worry is, to me a useless emotion. That's how I define it. Because one it's going to prevent you from taking action and moving forward. But also, who does it affect? Think about who you're hurting in terms of worry. All it does is add stress to your plate and negatively impacts you. So if you're focusing in on what can I control, and this is where taking action is the solution. If I'm stuck in this state of worry and fear then I'm going to not move forward, and I'm not going to take action. So we're emotional intelligence comes in is putting together an action plan and actually taking steps to build that resilience and building your emotional intelligence to the point where you have less and less worry, is the goal.

Marisa Huston  20:42  
Oh, my goodness, that would be great. I think there's a lot of people that need that! Worry is a big deal for many people. And where does it take us?

Sandy Lamb  20:51  
And I actually wrote a blog post last year about this. The idea of worry versus fear, you know, do you understand the difference? Fear is something that's a natural emotion that sometimes is a part of our brain and intended to protect us. But worry is totally useless, in my mind,

Marisa Huston  21:07  
Is there a way for people to learn how to not stress themselves out over worry as much? I would assume you start with, you have to be self aware that you're doing it and then come up with activities or like you said, plan out an action list of things that you can do to help address it when you find yourself in that situation?

Sandy Lamb  21:28  
Yes, looking back, let me give you an example. This is something for me as well. When I was in the corporate world and before I started my own business three years ago, I never spent any time kind of on what I would call my morning routine. Right now my morning routine consists of prayer and meditation. Every morning, without fail seven days a week. I wish that I had that habit when I was in corporate America. Because part of building your resilience muscles, part of building your emotional intelligence is about calming, and learning how to manage that emotional energy. And meditation is an amazing way to do that. Now a lot of people will tell me as I was one of them, once upon a time, I can't meditate, I can't sit still for that long. And I tell people, that's because you're starting like a 20 minute meditation. Start with two minutes. Start with five minutes. I'm going through right now a New Year's challenge on the 10% happier app. And I love that app, because it's twofold. It not only teaches you how to meditate, but it also shares an impart some knowledge on a particular subject for you. It'll teach you something and then it'll demonstrate that practice with a meditation expert. That's something that I recommend to all my clients. In fact, when this new year's challenge came out, I did like this email blast and invited every one of my clients and so many of my friends to participate in it with me, because it really, truly is amazing in terms of helping you with self regulation.

Marisa Huston  22:49  
An app that teaches you how to do it, but slowly so that you get into the habit of it. You know, when we say meditation, is there just one way to meditate? Or could you perhaps be doing something like walking around the block, thinking about certain things and you're giving yourself time to reflect? Can that be considered meditation as well?

Sandy Lamb  23:07  
I wouldn't consider myself a meditation expert, but I can tell you that I've learned a lot over the last couple of years. And I actually do a morning meditation and I actually do a sleep meditation at night as well. When my husband and I get into bed at night, he's like, okay, time for our meditation. I've got him doing it and he loves it! Like he looks forward to that! Really, it comes back to me in terms of mindfulness practice. So the thing with meditation is, people get distracted all the time. That's a part of it. But all that teaches you in mindfulness practice and meditation practices, is to be aware of these things. It works on the self awareness side, as well as the self regulation side. Being aware of your thoughts, but then acknowledging it and moving on. Not letting yourself get distracted by it. It's a great practice and really good habit forming.

Marisa Huston  23:53  
I think it's so important to understand this, I think it's part of helping us be better, do better. And that's really what our goal is. I always like to think that every day is an opportunity to improve and be a better version of ourselves. And so this is just another tool to make that happen. Could you share with us how people can test themselves for this and at the same time, how can they learn more about you and how they can get a hold of you as well?

Sandy Lamb  24:20  
People talk about, well, we're in business to make money. When I look at corporations, it's like, oh, it's all about the bottom line. But what I think is so so important is that when you work on people, it's like a both and situation. When I work on people, the bottom line takes care of itself. But if my focus is strictly on the bottom line, and I'm not taking care of the people, you're going to see attrition. You're going to see people leaving. They're not going to be motivated. They're not going to be engaged at work. So raising your emotional intelligence level and understanding that of others, it helps you to understand your customers better. It helps you to manage their expectations and then ultimately to meet their needs, which is then going to show itself in the bottom line. In terms of getting a hold of me, my email is samb@focal pointcoaching.com. You can find me on LinkedIn, Sandy Lamb, and my phone is 240-566-2718. If you're interested in taking an emotional quotient assessment, I do them and I also do a 90 minutes debrief. Depending on which one you do. It's about a 20 to 60 page report, so it's a little overwhelming. So I like to walk people through it because it's something to take the assessment, but then if you don't get a debrief and understand how to apply it, then it's kind of pointless. 

Marisa Huston  25:32  
You're looking at the report professionally so that you can interpret it, write for them and then come up with an action plan as to how to address it.

Sandy Lamb  25:41  
Correct. It's, here's what my scores are, but how does that translate into taking action and improving on my levels of emotional intelligence?

Marisa Huston  25:49  
Thank you again for being here. It's been such a pleasure to talk to you.

Sandy Lamb  25:53  
Yes. Thank you so much for having me. I really enjoyed it.

Marisa Huston  25:56  
That's a wrap for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks for listening and thanks to Sandy Lamb for being my guest. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speakpipe.com/lbovm, or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show please visit www.liveblissedout.com, to reach out, subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!