067 - Coping With Grief: Hope For The Holidays

Marisa Huston  0:00  
Welcome to Episode 67 on the Live Blissed Out podcast. Did you know that there is no right or wrong in grief? There's nothing to fix. The process of integrating the loss into life is what helps us both move forward in our lives, while also maintaining connections to what was lost. Hello action takers! Welcome to Live Blissed Out. A podcast where I have inspirational and informational conversations with business owners and subject matter experts to help us get the scoop and the lowdown on a variety of topics. Tired of hesitating or making decisions without having the big picture? Wanna be in the know? Then this is the place to go. I'm your host Marisa Huston. Helping achieve bliss through awareness and action. Thanks for joining me. The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information only. And any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. This podcast should not be considered professional advice. Joining me is Allison Gary, a licensed grief therapist serving individual clients in the state of Colorado. With her own personal grief history, she's dedicated to supporting individuals so that their grief can be shared, explored and experienced in a safe place. She recognizes that while grief is a universal human experience, it is also a very unique experience to each individual. And often there is isolation and a lack of support felt during the grief process. She has a private practice ACG counseling services operating within a group practice in Denver. Additionally, she assists the program Heartlight Center, a group for grief support and education located in Aurora. To learn more visit www.acgcounselingservicesllc.com. Allison, thank you for being here. 

Allison Gary  1:55  
Yes, thank you for having me. I'm really excited to speak with you more about grief and the holidays. There's a whole bunch of things that people are experiencing right now. So I'm glad we were able to get together to talk about these very important topics.

Marisa Huston  2:07  
You said it, and I am so grateful to have this conversation with you. You know, we think about the holidays as a happy time. And so we always talk about joy and presents and Christmas trees. And any holiday celebration that happens during this time of year is supposed to be happy. And the thing is, even though for most of us, that's the case, many of us dread this time of year. We almost feel like we have to put a different hat on. We have to pretend like everything is wonderful and perfect because we don't want to bring the joy and happiness out of other people's experience. But the reality is we are all dealing with different memories. Because it's such a powerful time of year, right? We have happy memories from our childhood, or maybe not happy memories, and now we're trying to create happier memories. And then couple that with the memories that we have from when we were young may not be duplicated now as adults. So it's either we're trying to recreate them, or we're trying to forget them. And then you add a layer of okay, maybe there are certain family members that you can't celebrate with any more. Or maybe there's a terrible memory that took place during that time in your life. And it's hard because we struggle with these mixed emotions. You know, we're supposed to be happy but in reality, there are some kind of skeletons in our closet that we can't seem to deal with. So I wanted to ask you first, what is your definition of grief? When we say grief what do we mean by that?

Allison Gary  3:41  
Yeah, that's a great question and kind of a really big one. You know, typically how I define grief is that it's a natural response to loss. It's something that ultimately everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives. And it kind of comes in a couple of ways because there's grief that happens internally more on like a physiological, it's the response to any loss. Mourning is more of kind of the outward expression of that grief. So sometimes we're grieving internally, but not showing it outwardly so we might not even be aware that we're grieving. But it is something that we will experience whenever there is a loss in our lives. But how we mourn or how we grieve typically is impacted by other elements like within the relationship to what was lost or who had died. So there's different responses that then come out, depending on those relationships. It can be experienced in a lot of different ways. It's such an individualized process, despite that it's a universal experience as well. I talk about often that grief comes on a wide spectrum that we experience emotionally. There's the things that are expected within grief, like feeling very sad. Everyone expects feeling very sad, but there's other things that come up in grief that people may not expect. Like feeling angry or irritable, or regretful or feeling guilt, or even sometimes feeling a sense of relief. So there's this wide spectrum and things that we expect, and that we don't expect. And it can feel absolutely crazy trying to process so many emotional experiences at once. And sometimes emotions that seem to contradict each other. We might be sad, but we might also feel relief at the same time, or we might be sad, but also feel guilt at the same time. So having very different weeded emotions all at the same time can also feel very crazy. And it can be difficult work to process our grief and to really meet ourselves where we're at with our grief. So that's kind of where I would start with the definition of grief.

Marisa Huston  5:44  
So Allison, does it also surface sporadically? So for example, you could be typing on your computer, and it's the holidays, and you're supposed to be drinking your hot chocolate and listening to Christmas carols. And then all of a sudden, something happens and an emotion triggers and then you really feel upset or a little bit nostalgic, maybe about certain things. Can that also kind of be part of that grieving process?

Allison Gary  6:10  
Yeah, absolutely. It's very typical in grief to experience what I call and what others in the profession called grief bursts. That it's this really sudden burst of emotion that comes out. And that sometimes catches us off guard. You could be just walking through the grocery and see someone who reminds you because they're wearing a sweater that looks like something that your mother used to wear. And suddenly, because you saw someone in a sweater in the grocery, you're moved to tears. It can be very surprising. And so that grief burst, while it feels very surprising and makes us feel maybe very uncomfortable, it is typical in grief. And so I support that as being a "normal"experience. 

Marisa Huston  6:54  
And I think that's good to know. I think we all have in our minds what we think it is, or we perhaps think it's a specific moment, and then it's gone. It can come on and off as well and be part of that process, right? 

Allison Gary  7:07  
Yes, I have found that a lot of people feel a sense of surprise that there's a lot that they don't expect to experience. So I talk a lot with people in grief about reality versus expectation. So we expect grief to be sadness. So then we feel very strange and uncomfortable when we also experience all these other emotions. Or we feel like there's a specific timeline. Like well, I'm supposed to hit the five stages of grief and so I'll be in denial for a few days, and I'll be angry for a little while, and then I'll have some depression and I'll bargain for a little while, and then I'll come to accept it. So I'll have my grief wrapped up in what six months?

Marisa Huston  7:45  
Yeah. And then it's over. It's forever gone.

Allison Gary  7:47  
Exactly. Yeah, that's a typical expectation when someone first enters a grief when they've experienced a loss. And when it doesn't go by a timeline because grief has no timeline. And people get very surprised by that as well. And so I do think that people often experience what is typical or normal in a grief experience, and it feels uncomfortable. And we don't know, like, Is this okay, is something wrong with me? Am I broken? And the truth is, no, you're not you're grieving. And so I spend a lot of time with individuals talking about how what they're experiencing is actually valid and typical. 

Marisa Huston  8:24  
Does it ever get better? So for example, let's say that you lose a very important person in your life during the holiday season. And so when the holiday season comes, it's something you can't forget. There's like a hole in your heart somehow. Does that hole ever close or does it just heal a little and just doesn't feel as bad as it used to?

Allison Gary  8:45  
So the thing about grief is that there is no fixing it. The only real fix to grief is to have had that loss be undone. To have that person who died come back. That's really the only true fix for it. But the thing about grief as well is that it changes over time. So when people say time heals all wounds, it's not a matter of that it's magically going to go away because that person or that being is still gone from your physical life. But life still moves forward. And so what we work on is how do we integrate that loss into life moving forward so that we're honoring ourselves, honoring that loved one, honoring that relationship, honoring what was lost. And so it does change shape over time. I have worked with people who even 20-30 years past a loss will still grieve, will still mourn, will still experience that absence because that absence is still there. It just has changed shape over time. So that's the other thing too I think that comes up a lot is people want to put their grief behind them because it feels awful and uncomfortable, but also grief can be looked at as a continued connection with that special person in our life.

Marisa Huston  10:01  
That's a great way to think of it. I never even thought of it that way.

Allison Gary  10:05  
Yeah. But it does change shape over time. And certainly, sometimes the holidays remain really hard for a long time. You know, if you have a special tradition or a memory or something that is now forever changed, because that person, the absence is palpable during the holiday season, it then becomes how can we have that grief also be a companion during this time? And how do we want to shift our experiences during the holidays so that we're continuing to honor that relationship and help them to be part of this time of year in a new way? That's a lot of what I talk about when it comes to this grief and the holidays.

Marisa Huston  10:44  
Normal holidays can be challenging for us as they are. But now we're dealing with COVID. And some of the things that I hear from people are...What if this is my last holiday with a family member? If I don't spend it with them am I ever going to be able to live with myself? Because we're being told we can't travel, we can't go with our families and we realize how special every holiday season is and we can't assume that we're going to have another one. We don't know. None of us know.

Allison Gary  11:13  
Sure.

Marisa Huston  11:14  
So we have that layer of fear that is over our shoulder right now. Because we're going, you know, I'm being told I can't spend the holidays at home but if I don't go, what if something happens to me or somebody that I love, and I didn't get the chance to see them one more time. And that's just one example. There are many other things that go through in our head. So how do we deal with all this?

Allison Gary  11:35  
Yeah, it's a lot. This time of year, like you've said, is already pretty overwhelming. You've got shorter days, it gets darker earlier, it's typically colder outside. So there's already a little bit of isolating that happens this time of year. Then there's a lot of pressure and an obligation around this time of year as well that we want it to be the, quote best time of the year. And it's the season of cheer. And we want our lives to reflect those Norman Rockwell paintings and have there be that picturesque time of year. So there's a lot of pressure this time of year anyway, regardless of grief, regardless of the pandemic. This time of year is just really tough anyway. So then we add grief on top of that. That's another layer. We're missing someone's special this time of year. So that also adds another layer of feeling isolated, feeling alone feeling like how can we celebrate without our person and why doesn't anyone else see how awful this time of year is, or when will I feel normal again? We're confronted with a lot of grief related pressure for this time of year as well.

Marisa Huston  12:38  
And Allison, we don't even want to talk about it. Because we don't want to bring other people down, or people will call us Scrooge or Grinch or whatever. And we don't want to be that person right? So we bottle it up.

Allison Gary  12:50  
Yeah, because ultimately, when we're grieving, we want to talk about our loss. But we also don't want to be a downer. For others, especially this time of year. We don't want to add to other people's plates. You know we try to be very respectful with not off putting other people with our grief. And that also is another area that we can talk more about when it comes to not wanting to put upon others when it comes to our grief. But we still need support. So that's something that also really resonates with people as far as grief and this time of year that you don't want to be a downer. And then we also add the pandemic onto this year. And how we normally would cope has to look different because we're told to stay home, we're told to isolate, we're told to quarantine, we're told to wear masks, there's so much that we have to do for health and safety, but that also interfere with what we would typically do to take care of ourselves. You know, this time of year we would typically be with our family. But now we have to look at it differently. We would typically go to different outings around town and see the Christmas lights and go to different holidays specific events. And we can't do those or they have to look different this time of year. So the pandemic has also added another layer of isolation. It can feel like our entire life is now spent on computer screens, memorials and rituals have had to be adapted and have to look different because of the pandemic because we want to be safe. So we really have three different really big sources of pressure coming onto us this holiday season, particularly this year.

Marisa Huston  14:21  
Yeah. And you know what I was thinking about, as you were saying that is that we also use the holidays as a distraction. Think about it, you get invited to all these parties. And then you know, you got to bake something for people and prepare your presents and go somewhere and check out the lights and do all these things. And it goes so fast because you have so much going on. But now we're reflecting more than we ever have. Now we have all this extra time and we're not able to do those things. So now you're home and you're thinking about more of these things that have been bothering you more deeply and longer than you normally would in regular holiday season.

Allison Gary  15:01  
Yeah, it looks and feels so different this year, you're right. There's a different kind of space, so to speak, that's around us. Because we aren't able to use some of those other distractions, like you said. So going out about town just doesn't look the same, being with family doesn't look the same, being with close friends. We can't travel like we did, There aren't those same distractions. So there is a lot more space and time for reflection, which I can't say is good or bad. I don't think that anything grief wise, categorizes in grief, good or bad, but it can feel uncomfortable, versus those old traditions feel comfortable. We want that comfort. And this time of year, it can feel very uncomfortable, and then add all this extra space. And for some people, depending on the type of loss that you've experienced, or what your grief is, this might be the first holiday season that you're spending alone. And that also feels very uncomfortable, very isolating. And then there's sometimes maybe even some anxiety that pops up. Like, well, how am I going to take care of myself when I'm grieving and I'm alone, and I can't reach out for support in the same ways that I used to and I'm stuck here alone with my thoughts?

Marisa Huston  16:11  
Yeah, and we look for familiarity. That's why we love the Christmas carols or the presents or going places. We do the same things because it gives us comfort. It's just something we're used to, and we can count on. And then when that's taken away, like you said, it adds that extra layer. So now that we've determined that this is really different from any other holiday we've had, what are some things we can do now to help us get through it?

Allison Gary  16:39  
Yeah, that's a great question. And when it comes to grief, and the intensity of this year, in particular, one of the first things that I typically talk with people about is being aware of feelings, because ultimately, when we know what's coming up for us how our emotions are presenting, we can also then tend to ourselves better. So we can navigate the present moment, so to speak, because our emotional needs can really drive that ship of what do I need, right in this moment, because I'm feeling angry, or because I'm feeling scared, or I'm feeling anxious. Once we really acknowledge what am I feeling from moment to moment, we can better meet ourselves where we're at. And that's, I think, always my go to.

Marisa Huston  17:23  
So the first thing is to recognize those emotions.

Allison Gary  17:27  
And recognize what's coming up because grief bursts happen. And sometimes we can feel them coming on, you know, you can feel that tears are starting to well up in my eyes, something is happening. But sometimes it also comes on so quickly, we don't really have time to be aware of what's going on. But once we're getting more in tune with ourselves and having that self awareness with emotions, what's going on what's happening around us. Sometimes that can be really helpful with then understanding what am i needing right now to take care of myself. And that's a really big important thing, especially with there being so much intensity around us. And I think when we talk about taking care of ourselves, I think sometimes people immediately go to that thought of self care means spa treatments and massages and all of those really fun things. But that's not all that self care is either. And so coming back to what do I need right now and being gentle with ourselves. You don't have to love this time of year. The holidays service off of our routines and routines are where we feel comfortable and safe. So we are dealing with our routines are off, it's the holiday season, the pandemic is a struggle. What do we need right now? Sometimes that's a big ambitious thing. Sometimes we got to tackle a big to do item or we've got big goals. And sometimes it's really baseline. Sometimes we need to be as slow and steady of Okay, I need to get myself up and go brush my teeth. Sometimes it's really just finding those small, doable tasks to meet yourself where you're at, because that's all you can do in that moment. Sometimes grief is so overwhelming and the pandemic is so overwhelming. And this time of year is so overwhelming. And so it's sometimes paring it back to the self care of right now I need to get some water. I haven't drank any water yet today and going and getting yourself some water. So it's those little ways that when we're identifying I'm aware of my feelings, I'm aware of where I'm at what's something doable right now that I can do for myself to take care.

Marisa Huston  19:23  
And it varies for all of us. Some of us may say, well, I just need to listen to happy 80's music. Or take a drive around the neighborhood. Or maybe I'm going to bake my favorite cake today because that'll cause a distraction.

Allison Gary  19:37  
Right. 

Marisa Huston  19:37  
So anything that gives you warmth, that makes you happy, that addresses that grief that you're dealing with. Anything you know, works for you. 

Allison Gary  19:46  
Yeah, I would be cautious when it comes to that make yourself happy. Because the thing is, it's really hard to hold our standard to that. Happiness is something that I think we all strive for. We want happiness day to day but when we're grieving happiness sometimes feels completely unattainable. And sometimes people do feel happy. You know, this is a time of year where happiness and joy can surface. And sometimes we are also happy in our grief. It comes back to again that meeting ourselves where we're at, but also being cautious of not holding ourselves to the standard of what we think we should be. And that feeling like, well, I should be dancing around, I should be happy, or, oh, I'm sad, that's bad. I need to go bake a cake to be happy. That's not the goal here. The goal is really acknowledging, you know what I feel sad. Being sad is not good or bad it just is. And it's okay to be sad. Just as it's okay to be happy, it's okay to be mad, it's okay to just be. I think we spend a lot of time trying to define things as good or bad, because that's from a societal place. What we've been taught to do and trained to do is things are good or bad, they get put in those categories.

Marisa Huston  20:51  
Yeah. And I think grief falls in there because I don't think we ever walk up to anybody and say, are you happy to be feeling grief? I mean, it's just one of those things where you think that's not a good place to be. And yet, as you said, it's natural. It's something we all have to go through. We all experience it. And you kind of have to not shove it under a rug.

Allison Gary  21:10  
Exactly. It's important to process our grief, because if we suppress it, or try to contain it, that's when other issues can arise as well. It's not uncommon for there actually to be somatic symptoms experienced as well. So we try to suppress all those emotions. And Nope, I'm not supposed to be grieving anymore, I can't be sad. This is over this happened. Sometimes we then experience other issues like there can be physical ailments that come about with that, because then we're putting some different stress on the body. So to have tummy aches to have nausea and vomiting, to have fevers come out to have blood pressure issues, it's not uncommon actually, to see other somatic symptoms come about because we're trying to really control emotionally what's going on for our grief. And instead, what we find is, as we process that, meeting ourselves where we're at, and not defining things as good or bad, it can be relieving as well, like, Oh, it's okay for me to be angry. Just because angry is a more uncomfortable emotion doesn't mean it's bad. I think sometimes we get into a habit of if it's not happy, it's bad. Happiness is like, the only good, that's where we're supposed to be. And so anything that falls short of happiness is a problem. And in grief, it's like, actually, we need to be acknowledging all of our different emotions that come up. And some days, we're gonna be able to make that cake and dance around to 80's music and some days, we're going to really struggle to get up out of bed. And neither one is good or bad. It just is.

Marisa Huston  22:39  
Yes, it's all personal. Each individual deals with it differently.

Allison Gary  22:44  
Yes. And even what I also have found if a family is all grieving one person, they're all going to grieve differently. And I've had some people worth it. Well, my sister's not grieving, right? It's like, well..

Marisa Huston  22:56  
There's a right way?

Allison Gary  22:58  
Right? It's like, Well, actually, your sister is grieving how she needs to grieve, how she needs to process her emotions, and how and her experiences. I've also had some family units where they kind of judge each other of like, well, we're all grieving the same person. And it's really not about self judgment, or the judgment of others. It is so individual for each person. How you're going to experience your grief. And even how you grieve for one person or for one type of loss is not how you'll grieve during the next loss, or for the next person, it will change depending on what lost you're coping with and what the relationship to that person or that thing was. So that's also an interesting thing, as well as that it is so individualized, and it's easy for us to judge ourselves or to judge others for how we feel we're supposed to grieve.

Marisa Huston  23:43  
I'm so glad you brought that up. Let's go back to the example of baking the cake and dancing to 80s music. You know, somebody might say, well, you're not really grieving. Like, how could you really be that upset if you're dancing around and baking. But see that's your way of coping with it. So you are grieving, but you're doing something that's going to help you but may not apply to somebody else. And so you remember the old days when you had to wear black when somebody passed away? And if you didn't, then you were disrespecting them? So it's kind of that same approach. Like people judge you and say well, you're not grieving enough.

Allison Gary  24:14  
Yep, you're not grieving enough. You're not grieving, right? There's a lot of judgment that comes up from others that if you're not presenting in an "appropriate" way, that you're going to be judged for it or that you should feel bad that you're not grieving, right. And so that's another thing too, that I do a lot of validation around is it's unfortunate that we put that kind of pressure on ourselves or others and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. So that's a big myth that I would say needs to be cracked is that there's some right way that we're supposed to grieve because it's not how you are grieving is correct for you and where you're meeting yourself in that grief is what you need for yourself. And so that's, I think another big thing that we see a lot. It's easy to judge ourselves against what we think we're supposed to be feeling and it's unfortunate and it can add that extra complexity to what's an already complex issue. For grieving, we want to be grieving in a healthy way and there's this pressure that I'm supposed to be grieving in a certain way.

Marisa Huston  25:12  
You know, one of the things we talked about is that people need to talk about it. When you're going through this, you need to not only acknowledge but you need to talk about it with somebody, and as you said, many times we feel like we can't, because we don't feel comfortable talking to it with our family members, maybe they'll not understand us. And I know this is what you do.   you specialize in this area. Can you tell us a little bit about some of the things you do to help people and how they can learn more about you and get a hold of you? 

Allison Gary  25:39  
Yes. So communication is something that I talk with people a lot about, as far as the holiday season, as far as when you're grieving. How do you want to get support? And also identifying who are your safe support people? So sometimes that is a friend sometimes that is a family member. Sometimes that is a professional who specializes in grief and loss. My encouragement, of course, is for everyone to think about how you wish to communicate this year with other people. Do you want to talk on the phone? Do you want to text? Do you need to email? Are you open to video chat? Do you need to meet in person? How can you safely do that? Kind of thinking about communication in general, and then also identifying who are the safe people that you can talk about what things to because there will be some people in your life that you can't share your grief with in a safe way that feels comfortable, and that's okay. But there will be those people that you do really identify as, yep, you're a safe person who will honor my grief and be with me and just listen and won't have that judgment. And sometimes we look around and we say, Gosh, I don't know who else to talk to. And that is also where a professional can come in handy. So as far as getting a hold of me or learning about my services, I direct people to my website a lot for learning more about me. That's www.acgcounselingservicesllc.com. I welcome people to give me a phone call or a text. I'm reachable at 720-619-1058. If a phone call or a text seems too overwhelming, but an email may be doable, I welcome people to email me as well. My email is [email protected]. Happy to meet with people. Again, grief is my area of specialization and I love the work that I do. I have a workshop coming up. It's actually on the 16th. It's about Grief, COVID and the holidays. As we've talked about this time of year, this holiday season, it can be so difficult when you're grieving and then adding COVID on top of that. Sometimes it can feel like we're just being pushed over the edge, especially this year. So it's important, I think to know that you aren't alone. There are a lot of people that are processing a lot of grief and a lot of loss and COVID. And so this is a way to get some support. It's interactive so there will be the opportunity to share with other grievers to kind of have a moment of saying what in the world 2020? And then to also get more helpful tips and tricks as far as how do I grieve and cope with COVID and the holiday season. So that'll be Wednesday the 16th at 10am MST. So I certainly welcome people to get in touch with me to register for that as well. We'd love to have people come join us.

Marisa Huston  28:21  
Allison, this has been so helpful, because I know many of us are thinking exactly what we just talked about now. And many times we just like you said, we shove it under a rug, we pretend like it's not happening, we think of it as something negative instead of accepting the fact that we have to face it, something we're going through and then look at options to address it. So just having this conversation with you today. I hope that there are going to be listeners out there who feel at least a little better knowing that, like you said, they're not alone, there are things that they can do to help them during this time. And understand too that this is unusual, because we are dealing with not just the holidays, but now we're dealing with a COVID holiday on top of everything else. So it is a challenge and I just appreciate you being here to share with us some things that we can do to maybe make our holiday season a little brighter. 

Allison Gary  29:15  
Yes, absolutely. I'm happy that we were able to have this conversation because it is such an important topic. And I know there are so many people feeling really alone and frustrated and isolated and deep in grief. I do hope that some listeners heard some things that maybe help them to understand where they're at a little bit better and have some ideas for what to do to take care of themselves a little bit better this time of year.

Marisa Huston  29:38  
I am too Alison. Thank you so much!

Allison Gary  29:41  
Yes, thank you. 

Marisa Huston  29:43  
That's all for this episode of Live Blissed Out. Thanks for listening and thanks to Allison, Gary for being my guest. If you have a question or comment for a future episode, all you have to do is go to www.speakpipe.com/lbovm or click the link in the show notes to leave a brief audio message. If you find value in our show, please visit www.liveblissedout.com to reach out subscribe and share on social media. This show is made possible through listeners like you. Thank you. So long for now and remember to keep moving forward!