You’re Not For Everybody with Yvonne Orji

Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. I am in Estoya and Majorca. I've just spent five days alone. Five days alone, and Carla, my assistant, is here as well. But my first guests didn't arrive until the second so I had five days of no drinking, utter seclusion, exercising, eating healthy. The thing about being on vacation isn't possible to get on any sort of program, so I got my shit together. I didn't do anything. I did Glennon Doyle's podcast, Glennon and

Yeah?

Now do you restore your energy alone or with other people?

I restore my energy mostly by myself. But I go to bed listen. When I was in London, I stayed in London for a month, in like the month of July. I think I was pretty much in London. I had a blast. I went to bed probably between two and five am every single night. All I did was go

You can float.

So that was perfect because I wasn't in charge of the entertainment, you know what I mean. In my Orca, it's my house. I'm in charge of the entertainment. But I have a new policy I'm putting in place, like everybody has a free day throughout the week. Go do whatever you want to do. There's no organized plans. We all will have dinner together, obviously, but breakfast and dinner and then anything in between. Get your own fucking party started. You can hang out, you can leave, but don't rely on me.

Yeah no, that's smart.

Yeah, so that's that plan. And then yeah, so that's what I'm in. I'm in. I have three different weeks of guests coming, so we'll see, we'll see what happens. I'm working hard on my book. I got a lot of writing done. I have this great title for my new book, which I can't wait to share with people, but it'll be a few months before I can do that. And yeah, I'm feeling very productive.

That's so good. Are you able to share any themes of the book, like kind of the angles you're working or keeping that under wraps for now?

I think it's just about female independence and freedom, nice freedom, child free freedom.

I feel like that is absolutely something that people who love you respond to.

So yeah, I think it's definitely underrepresented, you know what I mean, We have so many people that are just not the reason why it gets such a big reaction is because there are plenty of people talking about it now, more so than there were. But you know, it's not enough,

Yes, yes, it kind It makes me think about what Alice Lonan had said about, you know, the whole, not just our culture, but.

Like the energy of the universe basically is like.

Swinging more feminine for the next Yes, who knows how long, but it's just it feels like it's coming to pass.

And I like that.

Yeah, yeah, great, Okay. So our guest today is she's a real piece of work. She's an actress, a comedian, and author of Bamboozled by Jesus. How God tricked me into the life of my dreams. Please welcome vn Orgy. Oh yeah, baby, hello, Oh yeah, look at you. Cutey, petuity, fresh and fruity.

And he takes one to know one.

I was excited. I thought I was seeing you in today and I was gonna do a little dry hump and say hello. I was gonna jump on you. And then she said you're virtually no, and I was like, oh, what a bummer. But that's okay. We're happy to have you.

I'm pretty bummed about it too. That was like, okay, we can do a body.

Well.

I've been a huge fan of yours.

Literally when people asked me, I was like about like they were comedians. They were showing them like Chelsea Lately. You not seen Chelsea lately. I'm like, every night I tuned in BEFO I to move to LA. It was, you know, fantastic, Thank you, honey. Well, likewise, right back at you.

You're fantastic, And I'm so excited to have you on and to be talking to you because we don't have a lot of religious people on this podcast. We have a lot of spiritual people. But as I was reading your book, I realized that it's kind of one and the same. It is it's a belief system, and I love that it's like modern religion what you're talking about in your book, and I want to talk to you

I guess.

Yeah, it's really I like to say, it's really more like a relationship. So with my book it was my faith, it is very much more fate relationship.

Board.

I think when you have a relationship with somebody, it makes it more personal. Like if your mom tells you, like come home, and you know she loves you, and you love her back, You're like, you know what, I'm gonna come home even though I want to stay out, I'm gonna come home, Versus like if it's somebody you don't have a relationship with, like that aunt, that's always your business that it's like you should come home.

You're like to the hotel not you know, you're just you're not really out that life.

And so I think when people try to use religion to like force people to do stuff and like there's no understanding or no relationship behind it, it doesn't stick and it doesn't also feel good, like what the heck?

Like why why would why would do we eat this?

So that's just kind of like where my center of faith lies.

This is why I've been able to be a wish for as well as I have.

But yeah, no, I got saved when I was seventeen, Like I was not playing on going to anybody's blah bla study.

I grew up Catholic, but from Nigeria. Well your parents are Nigerian and were you you were born in Nigeria, right?

I sure was. I was born in Nigeria.

We immigrated to America when I was six and my mom was a nurse at had.

With University hospital. And you know, back then they liked the immigrants and so they gave us green cards. Naha. Now they're like you can go. You're like, well, wait, like you you told us to come in.

I love switching the rules. It's like yes, yes, we'll take the tire the poor, and now we're like no, no, actually we take it all back. We didn't mean that.

For sure, like nobody one of them.

There was a nursing shortage, so like that's why every time you go to the hospital, there's gonna be a Filipido or an African nurse. This is why when you see hospital shows, you're like, no, this is not represented it. There's got to be a madame orbs.

Like what are you talking about? Like that?

If there's not a Filipino nurse or niger nisse, I would trust this hospital. So anyway, so that's how we got to America, and you know, we again we were Roman Catholic.

But I remember just going to church war.

As like a ritual, you know, like and after you going up, you're just like, it's gonna be a fifty five minute service, sixty if the priest is really feeling it. But you know, I just love God and I'm also afraid of my parents, so I'm gonna go to church. But then I got to college and I was I was like, let me tell you right now, we want to go all the way wild.

We are in DC.

I am a grown woman. Let's go.

And I was on my way to the club and my friend was like, why don't we go to this Bible study before we hit the club?

And I was like, I mean, I mean, I guess that makes sense.

Sure, It's like it was like, you know, I'm not in a Bible study attire. I was probably supposed to be a hole in my heart, you know what I mean, Like I feel like in Jesus hadn't gotten me as early as.

He would have. It made a different story.

So anyway, we go to the Bible study and the woman preaching, she was just so in lovely God in the way way that like being a Catholic, I'd never seen someone want who like understood the Bible, new Scripture, whatever, and I was just so drawn to it. I mean, before I knew it, I was over there giving my life to Jesus. I was like, we were supposed to be on a poll tonight. Why am I now like in tears, like I do love you Lord, I surrender.

So she got me.

So it was in that moment, what you decided to commit to your relationship with God.

Yeah, Like I like that's how I already got bambooed by teeth.

Like I was prepared to lose my virginity at eighteen, I knew I was. I knew I wanted to lose my virginity at eighteen because not because of that necessarily religious purposes, but because I was like, if I get pregnant, I just won't be able to make decisions as an adult because if anybody calls my mama, I'm gonna be dead.

So I mean, can you imagine your parents working, probably sacrificing everything to come to America and then their daughter has a teenage pregnancy.

What a fuck you? I was like, I get I don't want my mom to go and deal with thirty five to life. I don't want that to be her esimoity. So I just was like at eighteen, like I don't even know what decisions I would make, but I just both feel more of an adult to do them right. And so I remembered when I was sixteen, I went to see my my primary care physician and she had to call the mother of a sixty year old to

I'm not saying when I was seventeen and a half.

So he got me, we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna be right back and we're back. Are you still a virgin? I am, Oh my god, I love this. This is the most original guest we've ever had on and you what are you? Thirty nine? I am, Oh my god, that damn is gonna break one day, baby, and maybe.

Let the thing right now, I like people were like, oh, you know. Even I was like, pray for him, whoever he is. Why you've got a lot of pets up energy.

Up and here.

Okay, oh my god.

And you're gonna hit your sexual peak when you start having sex. So yeah, you're gonna need a couple of men. Probably you all went from.

Being universits of poly ellaly, Like that would be a very interesting to events. That's I don't think that's the destimy, but I will say, like, hurry up, if you know any good men to the attend of my way.

Please please.

I you know what, it's funny. I know this Nigerian man, he's married to my girlfriend. But I have so much experience with their family and Nigerians, and I know how dedicated Nigerians are to education and becoming a doctor, which you cover in your book as well, And it's just couldn't be more true. Like it's very serious. You know, you have to be loyal and you have to like it's almost like being in a family can also feel like work for somebody who's like me, who gets to

There's always like an outlier. I'm the outlier by family.

I was like, yeah, I feel like I'm met for more than just what everyone else is doing. And so yeah, yeah, no, and also as a Nijoria's supposed to be married at twenty three, also an outlier.

But no, I'm actually really happy.

I feel like I don't think I could have ever gotten married before this moment, Like honestly, maybe like thirty five, I thought I was ready, but actually I think I feel the most ready to be in the committed relationship now, like that will actually last.

Everybody there get married.

At twenty three, they probably not together anymore. Yeah, how did Nigerians feel about divorce?

I mean, it's happening more and more now, so it's like, maybe don't tell your daughters to get married and just find it could and I didn't, I, you know, before they know themselves.

And how many siblings do you have?

I have three older brothers, okay, And are.

They in the States. They're all in the States.

Yeah, they very like I have one brother who lives in Nigeria, go back and forth.

I have two brothers who are in the States. So yeah, we're we're all over the place.

And you're the baby.

The baby.

Isn't that kind of the best place to be in a family.

You know what?

I like if they listened to me more, I would really appreciate this position.

I think with more the more success you have, the more they will listen. That's my experience with my family. For sure, they respect me way more than they did when I really thought I had some smart ideas. So talk a little bit. I like some of the stories about your faith and belief being reinforced right signs of faith, taking risks and knowing that God shows up for you. So can you talk a little bit about that.

Yeah.

When I was getting my master's in public health, there was a pageant called the Misbagerian American Pageant, and my like my friends were like, want you to enjoy, and so I did. And I just thought I was like, you know what, I can wear a dress. I feel like, you know body colleges is I'm fine. And in two weeks before the pageant, they were like, well, what's your talent?

I was like, oh, I don't. I'm a job of immigrants. I don't have one.

Like, we're not raised they have hotties and talents. And they were like, well, everyone who performs, needs to have one. So it's two weeks people have bought tickets for my mom and my like cousins are comed hey, and so I'm just like, well, what the hell. I can't like, I can't mess up because again the Nigerian it means like we gotta be excellent.

And I prayed.

By this time, you know, I had a relationship with God now for like five or six years. I was like, hey, God really needs a solid It's me dollan fast, it's stat And God was like, do comedy, Like I've heard the voice of all these favorite sayings.

Do comedy.

And when you say you hear the voice of God, what do you hear? How does that present itself?

You know, it's it's one of those things where I'll say out of body, but it's almost kind of like a almost like a closing in because I know it's not me, Like that was not an idea that I could ever come up with on my own, and it just sounds very clear, do comedy.

It wasn't really, it wasn't James Earl Jerald. It was just you comedy. And I was like what And.

I remember being like, that's that's not what I would ever do. So I was like, nah, I'm good. And then I was like god, no, for like it's me Evon, like like give me something I can actually work with.

And he said, either you're going to larger trust me, or you're not.

And then the book spun away like it was like I was just like whoa, you guys just dropped.

I was like to leave, what the hell? But it was just so clear and I was so scared.

That's also how I know that it's him when he asked me to do something that completely takes me out of like the realm of logic, out of the realm of something that I feel like I can do. I know this nothing but God, because I wouldn't normally come up with that.

That's stupid. Why would I? Why would I put my stuff?

Because Lenduria is like Americs are actually nice, like just you know you have white friends and like when you started doing comedy, they were like.

Honey, that was good.

You know they'll support, they'll clap, they'll support whether it's good or bad.

When you bomb there like you'll get.

Them next size and you're like, oh, thank you. When you know front of durious they do not care about your feelings. Okay, if I were to bomb, they.

Would be like who's this?

Why?

And these are the parents? Okay?

And so I definitely was like, hey, okay, I'm very nervous, I'm very scared. I also know that I don't want a regular life like I just once I got said that, I started like really representing the Bible.

I was like, oh, I.

Think I'm destined for more because for me, I think when when you don't have friends and when you were bullied and you feel like, oh man, all I wanted to do was be long, and then you read the Bible and it's like a blueprint to like belonging. It's a blueprint to like finding a discovery yourself and your purpose. I just I think I clung to it in such a way that like I needed it. And so I was like, well, maybe God knows something about me that I don't know about myself and excars me so much.

But I would I would hate you know.

Even in the book, there's a chapter called Fears two Boys and but regret as her bees, And for me, I'm like, I would hate to like regret my life because I just didn't do what God said because it scared me so much, and so I spent the next two weeks writing down what I thought was funny with the dual identity of being that you're an American and people who have and I almost I was so scared

But I was so scared.

So I was like, hey, God, I want to do this again, but if I know, I'm good if it's not an audience of Nigerians with the same material.

And so that I did DC's Funniest College Student Competition.

I ended up winning for GW and part of winning means you perform at the DC improv and so I was like, oh my god, I think I can do comedy, but it still scared me.

Yeah, I like that story. I talk about the story when you moved to New York though, what happened with that when you had no money or you.

Oh my god?

So that was like, well, those were like one of the first moments. And then of course, like you keep going and then.

And this voice becomes more familiar to you as you hear.

It absolutely, Like I know, like anytime I take a bath, I always just bring my notepad and a pen because when I'm still and I'm like set, like God, I need to hear from you, that's when I'm like so tapped in and so tuned in.

Inevitably I'll come out and I'll write something that I know.

All this is like waiting to download with me on because he's always talking. And sometimes it's just kind of like a feeling like I should go there, or I should go do that, and sometimes it's like audible direction. So when I was trying to avoid going to med school by going to live in Liberia, which is just finishial war because it's easier to like go to war torn countries than to dismantle your parents' hopes and dreams.

And so the.

Last weekend I was there, I met this woman named Jackie, and it was at a wedding it was literally I met her one day. She was from New York. She's like, you have me give my daughter, and that was it. We went our separate ways. A couple months later, I was like, I want to move to New York. If I'm really going to do this comedy thing, I gotta try it. So I just have enough to like buy a bus ticket. Right, I'm like, I don't know where I'm wanna stay. All I know is like, I gotta

Are you in New York?

Can I jump on your couch for a little bit. Then I just post on Facebook. I was like, coming to New York, need a place to stay, and that was it. Two hours into my ride, I get a message from Jackie that says call me.

She gets your.

Number and she goes, are you on your way to New York. I'm like yeah, She's like, you can stay in our basement apartment. My daughter is away of college, so it's yours. I lived with this woman that I had met once before I left war torn Liberia for six months renfree. Those are the things where I'm like you don't have all the answers before you go. I was on a bus heading somewhere and I had no idea where I was gonna stay and lay my head. And as I went, without all the information, without every

There's eight billion people on Earth.

I feel like finding me one man is the easiest thing I could do. It doesn't even cost in my mind that it won't happen.

Yeah, that's the right attitude to have. I think a lot of people would describe that. Also, not to say that you're not, you know, have a relationship with God. You obviously do, but a lot of people would say, oh, that's instinct or the knowing, like your intuition when you can sit still and really hear yourself and hear your desires, whether it's someone telling you or whether it's an innate feeling or an instinctual intuition, whatever. I think a lot

I feel like the one thing that is certain in life is you live at the level to.

What you believe. Right, if you believe, you know what, they're good people in this world.

And I've just I choose to be optimistic and yes, even in the face of like bad things happening and bad people coming to you, you're still like, yeah, no, I really hope and they find joined their live, but I'm gonna still choose to believe that there are better people out there are good people.

So you just live at the level to what you believe. And some people, for.

All a young age, have been like stunded to like be like the world is stress, everything's sass.

To have to have limited belief systems, you know that sum that aren't always growing, always expanding, like the idea. The key to I think true awareness and enlightenment is to have your opinion changed constantly to start believing. And I'm not talking about QAnon. I'm talking about like learning as you grow, like oh, I actually I'm open to this or and I accept this, and yes that might be a possibility. Just because it hasn't happened to you

I love what you said about feasible because it's like none of us are are the thing, Like I'm not the thing as I was while I was seventy, Like there's some character traits that are like these are the things that make me. But like when new information, when you read new books, when you when you go to therapy, when you have different conversations, your world enlarger than expands and you're able to be like, oh, you know what, I didn't like doing that, Like now I like doing this.

Is this what you want?

And so it's just like whoa that was like, Okay, you're not all the choriny reels anymore, like you have the bicycle go. And I think sometimes people just like are chained even to like, well, this is what our relationship was like, and God, like, why would you leave me?

I need you?

It's like I'm not a good parent if like you're connected to my hip all the time. You have to trust and know my voice and my love is in you, so move accordingly.

What was the last book that you read? Oh, my goodness, you mentioned books. I'm a big book a reader. We'd like to talk a lot about books on this podcast. Your last favorite.

Book, Uh yah, yas the tresenta Kingdom was a really good one, and then Seven Days in June was a really good one.

Like, what's that I haven't heard of seven Days in June. The last time I checked, there were thirty Reilly.

I'd dealt with you.

It's by Tea Williams. It's a love story by these two authors who spent seven days in June when they were younger, and it was just like a whirlwind and then like they separated. But then all of your books are like low key about this intense love that they had.

And then they reunite.

Oh I like that. That sounds cute.

Uh huh.

Then summer I like to dip into a lot of fiction.

What about you give me some recommendations.

I'm reading Covenant of Water right now. I'm reading Andrea Augusty's autobiography. Oh, I have a good book for you, Lucky Girl. That's a good book. It's about these four queer women while some are non binary, and these four queer friends that live together and they work at like a magazine that's about to get canceled, not canceled, but they have no money, you know, so they're about to get shut down. And then these new people come in and there's kind of a lot of affairs and they're

It's that.

Yeah, it's about a girl that grows up in Kenya, moves to America and she has a really overbearing mother and then she's kind of confronting the racism in America compared to where she grew up in Kenya, where she doesn't feel that kind of she doesn't feel American racism. She's like, when you grew up in Kenya, you're surrounded by all black people, so shut up and stop complaining. It's kind of what the vibe she comes in with.

I can relate. I can't wait to get into that.

Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we're gonna be right back, and we're back. It happens so fast.

Are you ready to give some advice?

Are you ready to give some adviceive on, you won't be what this podcast is. We have people that write and call in and we give advice. So get your shit together, girl.

Okay, Katie Wrights, Dear Chelsea, I have two questions, really, First, does Chelsea have any advice for someone who has public speaking anxiety but wants to try stand up? My anxiety surrounding public speaking is pretty intense. I typically physically shake and my voice gets stuck and garbled. I love to write, however, and I've been working on some jokes, but the thought of speaking in public and being in front of anyone terrifies me. Does this mean that maybe trying this just

Let me start from a medical standpoint. You can talk to your doctor about beta blockers. You will not shake. I've used beta blockers, my sister. Everyone I know has used a beta blocker at some point in their lives when they're too nervous, So that kind of cuts off that signal that your brain sends to your body that makes you shake or where you get dry mouth, or it solves a lot of problems. If you're comfortable doing that, I would highly recommend it because beta blockers work and

A couple of things? So I would say, if you're really interested to get.

Into the root of your social anxiety and you're able to, I would try emd R therapy because that actually like gets right into like where did this fear come from? Like what is it rooted in that makes you feel like whenever you get in front of people, like it's so present that it blocks you. So if you're able to, I would try that because I think that's not just showing up in public speaking, that's showing up in other areas of your.

Life, and that's getting to the root of the matter rather than putting a band aid on it, which is what it beta blocker propenolol would do.

Yeah, So, I mean, because that's just like for life, that you're gonna you're gonna be around people for as long as your life, right, So whether you just want to figure out, like why why do I feel like this?

And is there ever is there any freedom from this? That's what I would say.

First two, I would be more mindful and cognizant when you say things like when you just read even though I know nothing will ever come of it, you have what you believe.

So words are so important for me.

I'm like, I'm huge on whatever you say is like an arrow. So if you're like I just believe that something could come of it, even if you're not sure what it is. If you're starting a set to this would be like I I know that you know nothing will ever have it, It's like, well, nothing will ever happen, You're right, So it's like a self fulfilling privacy.

So that's that just on the just in general terms.

But then I would also say, like, just also to listen to our body, like the things that make us feel better.

I do that, Like I think like so with somehow society has been like push faster, your fears go to the end.

It's just like, but what I do want to do this, Like I don't like it, you know what I mean, Like I I have a fear of blood, and I was still like majoring in freaking biology, thinking I was gonna be a doctor, like I don't like blood, like so there's no verse, Like I.

Was gonna be an obgyn. The hell was like Dickie, So like that didn't bring me joy.

I loved talking to people, so I got my master's in public health.

I love traveling. I got my masters in global public health.

So it was just like those things actually made sense and they brought me joy, and I was good at them because they made me feel good. So it's like, yes, you can push faster fears, and there's sometimes where fears are quippling because it's stopping from doing the thing that you're supposed to do. But then's sometimes I think people like just do the hard thing because it's hard, and someone told them that they have to do the art.

It's like, biggy girl.

From what I'm hearing, I feel like you're gonna be a really good comedy writer. Get a comedic friend, and like write jokes for them, so then you kind of get the best of both worlds of being on tour having your jokes be centered, but then you being behind the scenes and then maybe enough breaths of that in a new season you get you see that it's not so bad, and then you're able to come to the forefront. It's finny, like everything doesn't have to happen all at once.

Yeah, and I think too, you know, stand up doesn't necessarily have to be like, oh, that's her end goal, Like she wants to be a writer, but if she were to take a class or do a couple open mic nights, get her jokes out there, she would be able to see like what's working, what doesn't like, what does it actually sound like, you know, when it's up on stage, And it'll help her refine her jokes a little bit as well.

But I also love what like I think it was like Tina Say and Amy Poehler. I love how they were very much like, yeah, we couldn't be stand ups, but we can be sketch artists. So like they're still very front incenting, you know them as comedic women, but they're not stand ups, right, and they are very vocal

If you're really itching for that experience, go and do it. You know, try it a couple times if you really want to overcome that. But again, you don't have to. But if it's gonna make you feel good, it's gonna make you feel a little bit brave, and it will only lend itself to your writing as well, because so you're gonna have a big appreciation for it after you try to do it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

One of my girlfriends just tried to stand up for the first time, and she was like newly out as queer. She was like really scared to sort of like get up in front of a random room. So she took a class that was all women. It was super supportive and like even if Katie just took a class, you know, even if she told herself, like I'm not going to do the final thing where I get up in front of people, but just even like getting in a class and like seeing how that feels.

And then also thinking the brush it off, like make your goal to just be to have fun, because I think sometimes like what the intention you set, like if you're like, I want to do them five minutes, set just this is new for me and this is scary and I'm actually being vulnerable, and so really a win at the end of this class would just be to be able to talk to you guys for two minutes

This class, I cool, God bless you.

Amazing.

Well Katie, let us on how it goes. Our next question comes from Sarah. Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, I need some advice with dating. Full disclosure, I'm a thirty four year old straight female and a virgin. I haven't had a boyfriend since college. I have no idea how to date, and to be honest, it terrifies me, like heart racing, literally being scared to go on a date. I recently got back on a dating app hinge and I was asked out on a date. I immediately started panicking and

Oh geez, that's terrible. Well she needs to go to therapy too and figure out why she's so scared of a date. It should and I listen, the only thing you can do to diminish fear is to attack it. I mean, I'm a perfect example of being scared of so many things and just go going after it and then the fear diminishes. Like for dating, I've definitely been nervous to go on dates, and you know, I've definitely had too much to drink because I was too nervous to go on a date. And then I realized, who

I agree one thousand percent, like there there should definitely be some therapy to get to the root of what's happening too. I'm curious to know what happened in college in terms of why she hasn't been on a date since college, because like, from eighteen to thirty five, it's a long time to not have gone out with somebody, even it's just friends. So it's just like there's a web and bite, Let's go get some pizza, let's go bowling.

That's something.

And then I think what happens with a lot of women who are waiting, especially a lot of women who are virgins, because you know, you have the folks who like celibate or you know whatever, want to get virgins. They feel like it's the scarlet let. They feel like, you know, what if he wants to have sex with me, or what do I say? And then what if he doesn't like me?

What I tell him? I'm a virgin? And it's just like what the hell? It's so much pressure.

And it's also like I remember I learned this a long time ago, Like it's actually very rude to the man to believe that all he wants from you is sex.

He could just be like, I just want to stay, have a good time. I just want to get to know your name.

And also see if like we vibe before we even get to sex. Right, I've had long term relationships and sets was not on the table, and we have had a fantastic time. And so I think too, it's it's this is more almost a reflection of like does she think that she is worthy? Does she think that she is a good time? Because I know, like there were

As?

Did I have no choice in this? You know, like what if I don't like them?

Like?

Who the hell? Who's said that I didn't have a choice?

And so it's like once I got my bad girl ish up, it was like, oh baby, I'm a king builder. I know we not have a sex, but like you can have sex with everybody else, but what you can't have is what I bring to the table.

And maybe it's a lot.

So you can still decide to not rop And that's fine because I'm not for everybody in that way, but I know that they're the people that I haven't been for bit fire, and so it's just now finding that bit So for her, I would just say, one, get to the root of what this is, to ask yourself, for real, do you love you? Do you feel like you're beautiful. Do you feel like you're a worthy date? Like a guy is going to enjoy the heck out of getting to know you. Have you gotten to know you.

And write those things down, that you are worthy, that you're a queen, that you're a boss, that you're confident enough to go on dates and and actually decide if you like that person, because it's not about what they think about you. Just like you, John said, we get hung up on that we want people to like us when we're too stupid, and then we realize, wait, I don't even like you. So you got to say to yourself, you got to write down some positive affirmations for yourself,

And also find your sexy too, And that means so many different things for so many different people, right, but like finding that sexy like whatever it is for you, I don't know on a houshold you or how short you are on being I'll split like that has nothing to do with the sexiness of the continents because if you if you know, like you'll want to walk on a role I'm the bed a stick in here, like and that's not just something you say like, that's something

I'm also that chick and also trust and know that, like, there are going to be some guys who are not gonna rock with you because you were virgin, and that's fine. They're lost. You're not for everybody. I would always say like, I'm not looking for our.

Thousand guys, so like that's also a lot of pressure.

I need one good dude, like that's it.

And I used to friend zone myself a lot because I did have that thing of like I would just crack jokes and I'd be the funny girl and it's like, damn, well a lot have been on the dating two years because everyone's your friend.

And so it's like when I talk about finding your sexy, it's that thing of being able to like look at some dude and just be like, Okay.

I used to do the stupidest thing, Josey, And when guys asking my number, I'm be like, you have my email address?

That is so stupid. I love that. It's like what does that mean? Also, five bad dates are going to lead a good one. Like the sooner you get through the bad dates, the sooner you're gonna find the good one. And it's a trial and error, that's what online dating is. So you took the first right step with Hinge, and now we need you to go on some dates and fuck your nervousness. Do whatever it. Take an edible, have a drink, whatever you want, don't don't get wasted, but

Yeah.

Go to your doctor and get propana all. That's a beta blocker that'll help your Yeah, don't get row hipnawl. Don't confuse row hipnol with a beta blocker.

Yeah.

And I think a couple of just practical things that she can do on hinge is set the expectation right up front, like looking for friends and maybe more so like you're not committing anybody who hits you up. You're not committing to anything more than like, we're just seeing what this turns into.

I went on a date the other night and I was like, I'm a forty eight year old woman, and I was like, oh, I hope he doesn't think what if I don't like him? And I was like, if you don't like him, you're leaving, And that's exactly what I did. I had a drink and then I was like, sorry, I'm going to dinner with my sisters. I'm leaving now, right, you know.

And that was it.

It wasn't happening, it wasn't on. There were no expectations. And you're in charge. You're a woman, you get to decide what's going to happen.

Yeah, we have choice, supposedly, that's like, that's like, that's a away right there.

This exact scenario happened to Actually, the same friend who just came out of queer turned out she wasn't into guys and that's why she was always panicking on dates. So you know, maybe expand our search.

Yeah, okay, yeah, expand your search, really expand it.

Okay, Sarah, let us know how it goes, and we have our collor color just came so. Felix says, I'm a queer person, gay, demisexual, says gender man, which means I'm a boy who likes boys, but not very often. I was raised in a very religious home. In fact, my father is a pastor of a megachurch in my home state in the South. My parents love me very much, but my sexuality has always been the rainbow elephant in

Hi, how you doing?

Hi?

Felix. Our special guest today is Yvonne Orgie.

I'd be lex, Oh.

My god, Hi, how are you?

I I'm good. Are you about the board of flight?

No, actually just deplaned from one.

So good eye, von good eye.

I was like, feelings, do you work?

Or I'm actually traveling for a pageant in Atlanta for Mister Gay America?

Or is this a different pageant?

Yeah, so this is a prelim to Mister Gay America. So we'll be competing for mister Gay Southern.

Well, this is we have two pageant queens here.

Well I wasn't quite the queen, but I was. I was on my way, and then I decided to re route.

She was top fifteen out of fifty, so.

Excellent.

I was tough fifteen out of sixteen.

There you go.

Anyway. I feel like, so your family southern and religious.

Yeah, yeah, pretty pretty stereotypical Southern Baptist religious, very anti gay, anti trans all that good stuff.

Okay, Yeah, and they know you're gay.

Yeah, it's kind of like the rainbow elephant in the room. We don't talk about it. They never asked me who I'm dating or things like that. It's just something that we don't really talk about.

Yeah. Well, I think that's probably why you don't have sex a lot, or you don't want to have sex a lot, because you've probably feel so much shame because of the way that you were raised and everything you know around your family, which is very common actually. But I would say to you, this is the life that we're given, you know what I mean, This is the

You know.

I mean, it's not fair for you to have to take on their opinions and their judgments and prohibit you from blooming, you know what I mean, and to the person that you're supposed to be. And it sounds like that's exactly what you're allowing them to do.

Yeah, And I've definitely allowed them to do it for a long time. I mean, I think for me, it's just the you know me coming out, you know again to them and being like this and this is me, this is my truth and they would just take it, you know so personally and which just cause a big group to the family.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle up.

But you are strong enough. You are. We're all strong enough. It's we all have a reservoir of strength that we don't even know about until we have to get in touch with it. So you are strong enough. It's a matter of choice if you're ready to do it, and I would are you in therapy I am.

Yeah, I'm also a person living with schizophrenic Yes, that's a whole other topic, but therapy is more towards like helping strategies and things like that.

Do you have schizophrenia?

I do schizo effective disorder, which is schizophrenia plus a mood disorder which is really fun.

Okay, and you're medicated for that.

Yes, yeah, medication definitely helps. So maybe they'll lead you know, pretty pretty normal life thankfully.

Yeah, Avon, what are your thoughts on this subject matter?

When we were hearing your story, there was something you said, you said, how do I get my parents to or how do I the reality? Like you can't make anyone do anything. You could desire things to the people, but like.

There's no version that you can make anyone to you as you want to be seen, love you like you want to be like that.

Like so I think there is a there's going to have to be a a.

Separation of desire and expectation in order for you to like fully get beat and joy. And this is not at all comparing my situation to your situation to very different things. But I remember when I was when I she saw my parents that wouldn't do comedy mind you. I had been the good Nigerian girl. I had gotten the masters. I was in church, do all the things. They I told them I was gonna move to New York. Our relationship was straying.

For eight years.

I would call and like, havevych other's day. I got it, be gotty get by back. Today I'm like, well, what the hell sick?

You died it? What's going on? Right?

And so it can't be my well right now for joy or understanding because they don't understand. So I had to find my tribe. I had to find the people that I knew cared for me, loved me, champion b celebrated me, all those things, because like, you need all of that when you're doing something that's different than what they considered to be norm right, and so what I also had to learn after base. In my mind, I was like, once I do this, then they will love

I wrote the book, you know, it was it wasn't like, Wow, you really struggled. I'm so glad you made it. It was like, so, why are you talking about us? And I was like, that's what you got from.

It, that's a thousand percent my family. Like if I told them what I was struggling with, or you know, if they found ot I was doing this, they would, you know, be like, well, why are we talking about our family? You know, like why you know, we're very much like a type of family which I need to break away from. And like, you know, my sister is a is a counselor, and so is her husband, so like we're a very therapy adjacent family.

But it's just we seem to not want to take our own advice.

And and is there anyone in your family that is on your side, so to speak, Like with regard to you being gay and out as your sister, is that someone that you have as an ally in your family.

Yeah, she's really the only one that I can talk to about anything related to, you know, being gay or anything like that.

And what about your friend community. Do you have some friends that are close to you?

Yeah, I've got a fairly strong support network.

I mean it's rank over the past few years, like dealing with some of my mental health stuff, but I do have a core few people that I can rely on.

Okay, Well, I think you should really lean into that, you know what I mean. I don't think you should hide who you are. I really don't. It's so important for each of us to really embrace everything about ourselves, you know what I mean, and really live out loud. And I know I don't mean that in like you have to wave it in their faces, but you can't diminish who you are out of fear for their reaction. They need to get on board with the fact that

And I think there's a misconception about boundaries being something that we get to other people, but really we can only set boundaries with ourselves. And I think it would be good for you to remind yourself, like on a daily basis, like I'm only responsible for myself, and when you really believe that you understand this backlash from your church, that you're foreseeing anything that anybody else does and says you are not responsible for that. You're only responsible for

I will say, I know it is not an easy thing because I mean obviously being in the church, like it is beyond a community.

Sometimes it's like it's.

So entrenched, and especially with your father being the head of the church, there are so many ripple effects that you know, even the three of us on this call can't fully know. And it is that thing of your mind goes into like will I be in Thanksgiving?

And like what if my dad loses his job?

And it just feels like all the compounding things fall on you. So I would say it's easy or for us to be like this and this, it's like no, no, no, it's very hard to be in your position right now. So I just want to affirm and acknowledge that because it is their card to also like dismantle all of the things that are connected to your one decision. So do know that, And so it might be a process,

And you cannot control what they say about you, what they do to you.

And just know that, like two things can be true at the same time, this decision may affect them in a way. And then you know, you hope, you desire, you pray that they can be able to stand and say, listen, even if we don't agree with this, because it's still our son, we love him, and so I hope you can understand our position in loving and protecting ourselves. That's what you would want them to say. I don't know if that's what they are prepared to say, and we

Yeah, now that's hugely affirming.

Thank you, just because it really is not just coming out, it's like basically saying to that entire community, I'm choosing a quote unquote to live this way and be outspoken about it and just thinking about a life where everyone knows is just I don't know, a little mind bending for me.

I can't really crap my arms around it.

Is there a scenario where you can be revealing about everything that's happening on Facebook or whatever. Is there a scenario where you can just take a little bit of a break from them so that everybody has time to kind of absorb the information and that you're not subjecting yourself to their criticism or their rejection or any of that, and you lean into your friend circle that you said you have.

Yeah, I mean, I guess I could do that, like make a big, long post and then go dark for a little bit and just focus on being around my people.

You don't have to go dark, But I'm saying if there was spons is going to be, if it's going to hurt you, and it's going to be hurtful, then you have every reason in the world to say, listen, this is my life. I have to live it. I want my family support. But if you guys don't want to support me, then I mean I have to take a break from you, you know, to kind of reinstill some confidence. You want to be loud and proud about it. You should be. Everyone else is.

And also, I guess my question to you.

Do you A couple buys is do you still live back at home in that community?

Like do you still live down south?

No?

I live about three hours away, so it's close enough, but just far o the way exactly.

Is there a version where you can get on the other side of America or another country? Like is there anything really keeping you so close to the community?

Is there anything really keeping you in this country? Because there's versions where you can.

Time and space and this is are are blessing. Those are also boundaries as well, and also no one's saying that you have to post anything about it. I'd feel like there's a version where you can just keep moving a wedding and like, again, that's still going to be hard, but it's a decision to protect your mind space and your heart space. I was like New York wasn't bart up. I had to move to LA because I know anyway

Yeah, and I think there's definitely times where it's considered moving. But you know, I do have two little nephews and a baby knees within driving distance, so maybe when they get a little older, think about maybe, but in some distance.

I will say, as much as I know you love your niece and your nephew, that is still you putting other people in.

Front of you. Know, I'm not at the I can't tell you anyhing about that, like you're not, but.

It ends that you know that's still like, Hey, I love middies and nephews, like we love that you love them. And at the same time they can still know that you love them. Mightighty's and nephew live one hundred bizillion thousand miles away. Every time I see them, I FaceTime them. I you know whatever, but I'm not going to put myself in proximity to a bad family situation. But it's like they still know that I love them. But at the same time I'm able to live what PRIs me joy.

So consider that, consider that impact that you're having also watching you know, your niece's a nephew or nephews and niece are watching you. They're going to grow up watching you. And do you want them to grow up watching you live your life fully or do you want them to see you being a fraction of yourself because of your family's judgment.

Yeah, that a lot too, And Felix, as you well know, planes exist, so like you can visit.

Yeah, I think it would be empowering for you to get some space and time away from your family so that you can actually find out what your own thoughts are and what your own feelings are and kind of diminish the shame and work with a therapist, definitely, because this is so common among gay men, you know, whose families reject them and don't understand. But please keep in touch with us and let us know what transpires and give us updates because you should be empowered, and I

Away also doesn't mean forever, as long as you get to whatever point you feel and you can stay, I'm okay with it. That's a very different thing than be like I'm not okay with it and I wish So it's like you can still decide that what works best for you is to be this version of yourself as long as you're okay with you.

And you're not okay with it because you're calling in right.

No, this this has been I appreciate.

Okay, Well, we love you and we support you and we are your allies. So you know, if you ever need us again, call us back.

We'll do. Thank you so much.

Okay, you love all the planet.

Yeah that's fun.

Yeah, we'll do.

Okay, bye, thank you, Thank you guys, sending you off. Do you know how many people call in with that? How you could be a mother or a parent and say no to your child? Oh my god, I couldn't.

You know what tells me it's one of those things where like everyone has a different POV right for Nigeria. Sometimes we think like how about our parents do s Y and Z? And I had to remember they saw a war where people were like killed in front of them, so some of their decisions and there was no like oh e MD or therapy available for them, you know, or like the even they're like what they just tried

It's like all the things that come with that. It's just like it's hard.

To see, just like love, because again Jesus was still the same person. When the woman who had all the husbands came to him at the well, he was like a girl, get some water, and I know the man at home is at your book and it's just like wait, what And then she was able to be like, come and see a man who has shold me everything about my life because he didn't like judge her, he didn't shame her.

He just was like, I know what's up you, dursty.

Yeah, and like that's just not what we as humans who are all the way flawed, know how to do. So it is difficult and convoluted and a lot of times not right, but like who's to say what's right and wrong other than just like how and compassion for humanity.

Yeah, we're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right back to wrap things up, and we're back Avon Orgie. What an ironic last name for you? Really?

I have questions with Jesus what I mean him of?

Like I think we live in on my walldle laugh ning dreams here. I wait until I get married.

I love you. You're so vibrant and filled with good, good stuff. I'm gonna DM you. I'll DM you my phone number so we can hang out and have a night together. Perfect, And thank you for being on the podcast.

Thank you for having me, Thank you.

Bye.

Okay, guys, we have added more shows to My Little Big Bitch Tour. I added another second show in Toronto, So I have two shows in Toronto now to December seventh, December eighth, December ninth, I'm in Ottawa, and two new shows at December fifteenth. On a Friday, We're doing a seven thirty and ten pm show with Kevin Hart and Friends that's in Thackerville, Oklahoma. And all my other shows that you can buy tickets for at Chelseahandler dot com.

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