You're Lucky To Have Me with Bob the Drag Queen

are going? So my mom's having a significant birthday. So my sister got a yacht for everyone, well for her and my mom, and then invited me and my other sisters in law and we're all going to go just have a girl's trip in the British Virgin Islands and like hop from place to place, hop from island to island. It seems truly crazy, but I'm so excited about it. Oh that's awesome. That's a good shrip. So there's a lot of work that has to get done before that happens.

You know. It's sort of like before you take a trip, there's twice the work, and after you get back there's twice the work. But like it's worth it, so you can get away and took up some sun and and focus on being on a yacht more importantly, exactly we are. I wanted to say that I just recently got my clean bill of health from my doctor after my after my episode, which actually I've never even talked about. I don't think have we talked about it yet? No, we haven't.

I was like, should I ask, because I didn't know if you wanted to talk about it, Like, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll talk about of course, to keep any information to myself, I was in Yeah. I was doing one of my shows in Seattle, which were awesome. By the way, I love Seattle's crowds. Thank you guys for coming, and anyone who wants tickets to any of my shows. The tour is continuing. It's called Vaccinated and Horny. You can get all your tickets to Chelsea Handler dot com and I'm

coming to a city near you. We added a lot of second shows. We have a late show with Will Churn in Los Angeles, hunting to New York, Santa Rosa, California, San Francisco, d C. All of the places. Anyway, I walked on stage. It was my second night in Seattle. I walked on stage in front of my four thousand fans that were there in the audience, and I was like it's like my chest was really tight. And I was like, I don't suffer from indigestion or anything like that,

Like I've never had a heartburn or anything. So I was like, oh, I must have because I had a really heavy French meal for lunch. Okay, And and then I was like, oh, this must be nerves. I don't know, like sometimes you get nervous and sometimes you don't. And I was on stage and I was like, okay, well it's not going away. But it wasn't so bad that I had to like stop performing. I was like, okay, well this is just uncomfortable slightly. So I get off stage.

And I had a bunch of friends there, and my sister was there, Simone, my agent was there, Nick and my girlfriend Jamie, a bunch of people and we were all going to the restaurant or bar and my hotel for an after party. And I I couldn't. I was like, and if I can't go to a party, obviously something that and I, especially when it's about me and I U.

I was like, oh no, this doesn't feel right. I kept taking toms and whatever, and then in the morning we were headed to Portland, where I was supposed to perform that night, and I talked to the hotel doctor and I talked to my own doctor from l A and they were like, oh, with your history of your father. My dad had a heart attack when he was fifty. He had quintumble bypass surgery when he was sixty something, so they were like, with your history, you have got to go straight and get an e k G and

find out if everything's okay with your heart. So I went to this hospital in Seattle and they did an e KG and they tested my tremonal levels, which is an indicator of whether or not something happened with your heart, and my tremonian levels were slightly elevated, which you know, said, oh, something happened. Then irving A's off. My manager got involved and he's like, you have to go to the heart cardiology unit, and you have to go to different hospitals.

So they moved me out of that hospital. I went to another hospital where I had the best doctor. He was awesome, so great, and they did my e k G. But e KG is a snapshot of what's happening, so if you had a heart injury, it won't show up. So then they did an echo cardiogram and on the echo cardiogram, they could see that there was something wasn't working in my heart, like it wasn't pumping all out. It was pumping, but there was like a little area that wasn't going in and out with your breath and

your heart. So then they did a catharitization to go in to see if there's blockages to see because I have high cholesterol, which is genetic, so you know, you could have plaque and that there could have been like a plaque that's a piece of plaque that chipped, or there could have been a blockage. And so they went and gave me a catholization, which of course I was excited about because you know, they give you morphine for that. And he was like, oh, your heart is so healthy.

He's like everything's pumping, you have no blockages, you have nothing. And I was like, okay, So what happened? And then I was like, oh my god, did I have a panic attack? Like that's even more unlike me. You know, I went from going, wait, did I have a heart attack, which would be so scary too, Did I have a panic attack? But no, I had neither. What happened was it's called a cardio myopathy, which means that there was an adrenaline shot and which I think was me actually

walking out on stage that night for whatever reason. And well, there's a build up, an accumulation of stress. I think I'm not stressed out, but I learned that apparently I am, and then I internalize it all, which I blame therapy on because before I used to just go off on people. Now I keep it to myself. But now I'm fucking suffering, so I may have to just go back to my old ways. But it's called cardiomyopathy, and it's rising in women,

like in the last couple of years. I've been sent a couple of articles to say, in the last couple of years, women between the ages of forty and fifty

are they're identifying this more and more. And I don't know if it's a product of our hearts fighting COVID because of the immunity that we're fighting constantly being exposed to COVID, or if there's a relationship to the COVID right or just the stress all of our bodies have been under for the last two years and the toll that takes on our immune systems and our hearts it's definitely something that's happening. So it's like it mimics what would be a minor heart attack, but it's not an attack.

It's like your heart was bruised. So basically there was a section of my heart that wasn't pulsating and contracting with along with the rest of it that was. And you know, you wouldn't be able to even notice that if I was looking at it, but my doctor walked me through and we were all looking at my sister.

Joe was there. He had flown in, so it was scary, but then I was very relieved to find out that I'm just stressed out and I couldn't exercise for a week, which was music to my ears, I mean, minus the skiing part, and to take it easy and to really identify the things that stress you out that you think are not stressing you out. But I just went and saw him from my follow up visit and I have a clean bill of health and I healed and my

heart was no longer bruised. Excellent. I'm so glad to hear that, Yeah, because I knew something was going on before you post it, and I was like, if she's awake, she's going to post. Of course. You know, when I heard that you had a medical emergency, I was like terrified that there was a skiing accident or something like that. So I'm I was glad that you posted, but like I could see you were kind of shaken. You know.

I think it's really cool that you're that open with Hey, here is like the not as exciting parts of life. Things are gonna keep going and everything's gond me. Okay, you should have seen my sister Simone. She's like, wait a second, because at first we thought maybe I had had a heart attack, like a heart attack, and I was like what I was like, and Sman goes, oh my god, you're she's the healthiest one in our family. We all need to get echo cardiograms. We're all fat

and out of shape. And she's, you know, she's like, if she's sick, then the rest of us are screwed. But yeah, So luckily it wasn't a major deal. Wasn't a big deal, but I did have to cancel a lot of shows. Well those shows that weekend, and which are you know, obviously we're rescheduled, but so yes, to let everybody know that's what that's the story. Well, and I think it's really important to be an advocate for your health. Like if you have stuff going on, get

it checked out. So great that you had people in your life that were like, no, no, go to the doctor. Talk to the doctor, get it dealt with, because that's so so important. Yeah right, I know, because I was like, I'm fine, I'm fine. But then I just thought, you know what, with my history, my father's history, I should listen to the doctors. Us I'm not. I kept saying, I'm forty two and forty two, and I'm like, you're not forty two, And I was like, oh, ship, well,

I'm really really glad you're on the mend. We have a very excited guest today, Pretty Funny. You know him as the season eight winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and from the hit show We're Here on HBO. He's currently headlining a comedy club tour and he also has a podcast called Sibling Rivalry with Mona Exchange, and they will be on tour together this summer. Please welcome Bob the Drag Queen. Oh yeah, hi Bob. Hi there, Hi Bob, how are you. I'm well. Good morning to you, miss Handler,

Good morning to you. Where are you. I'm in Hollywood, California in my apartment. Oh my goodness, you are clearly not in Hollywood. Where are you? Well with climate change, you'll never know. This could be Hollywood, You're like, I'm fully in like and this is you in South Africa right now. I'm in actually Whistler, Canada, where it is pissing rain. Yeah. I saw the video of you with the Canadian American flag over your boobs. My nipples. Yes, I had to cover up my nipples because I'm a

decent person. Don't you think it's a bunch of horseship that men can walk around with their nipples out, yet women have to cover them up and we provide food. I agree, I'm fully for the nipple. You know New York State, it's one of those places where anyone can be topless anywhere in public. There's no laws regarding toplessness in New York City. It's a really interesting decommended called

topless shock syndrome. There's this photographer that used to go around New York City and she would just photograph people with her shirt off, and she got arrested like four times, but then sued the city in a one well, good for her exactly. That's how that's time well spent suing the city to show your nipples. I like that, Bob. First of all, congratulations on winning season eight of RuPaul's Drag Race A big feet right, that must have been really really exciting feet on, I got dragged me. I

never getting personal today. And I know you grew up in the South, right, Yeah. I grew up in Georgia, Alabama, and Mississippi, mostly Georgia, but I was born in Columbus, Georgia, and then I later moved to Alabama, Misissippi, where I ended up nestling down in Atlanta, Georgia before going to New York City for about twelve years. And uh, what was that experience like for somebody like you who identifies as non binary? Who is? Were you a drag queen

when you were? I mean, when did you start doing that? No? I didn't get infected with drag until I moved to New York City much later in life, which was really I was actually surrounded by drag way before I ever moved to New York City. My mom used to run a drag bar called Sensations in Columbus, Georgia, and I have a queer uncle who I used to hang out with. I would hang out in his apartment and watch Too Wong food while he cooked me food. He's made these

great baked apples. I need to get their recipe from him. But then something about you know, mood New York City. I saw drag on TV again and I was an adult now, and I was like, I'm gonna give it a shot. But as far as growing up in the South being non binary, you know, I hadn't really discovered the the notion of exploring your gender until I moved to New York City and started working in the New York City night life scene, and I was like, oh, wow,

you can. Actually I didn't realize you could. You you didn't have to be what you were, you know, given at birth. What was attractive to you about drag? What drew you into that? What do you love about it? And what made you want to be a part of that world? Well it's so glamorous, right, It's like it's glamor. Is is humor, is camp, it is prestige. You get to be powerful when you don't actually have a position of power. But in this bar, in this place, you're

a queen. You walk into it. You know, on the outside, you feel like you're nothing. You took the train to get to work today, you know, you're you're snowing outside, and and you worked a job as a waiter all days at the Jekylin High club in Midtown Manhattan. And then you get to this place and you're met your royalty. Everyone's offering them bout you drinks, And I mean, what

could be more appealing than that? You get to literally be roalthy for for a moment, and you well, I mean obviously that your mom running a club like that in Georgia must have had a big impact for you, right, I mean that must have been part of the equation. Yeah, I reckon, maybe it must have had some impact. I mean, I'm not a queer trailways in my family. I'm not the first queer in my family. I probably won't be the last. My mom was queer, my uncle's queer. I

have a queer cousin who older than I am. So I was just one of many. So it wasn't like I was one of those folks like you guys don't get me. It was like they get me. Theyfully understand because they were very much like me. But you know, I'm sure that my mom had some sort of impact of school. But I was very afraid of drag queens

when I was younger. My mom had a frien named Sidney who told me never to trust drag queens and told me that they were dangerous and told me that they would he got He got shot by a drag queen one time. It was like, drag queens are dangerous, don't trust them. And I was like, well, I believe you. You You got shot. You have the wounds to prove it. Yeah. I think I was probably felt that way when I

was younger too, and wasn't as warms. You know, I think anything that's so different from what what the norm is. You know, we're just raised to identify with and be comfortable with what we know. So unless you're exposed to that, it would be like, oh, oh, this is something new, and you have to be very open minded to be interested in something new. Yeah. I would go as far as to say most drag queens have not shot someone. I don't have the National Bureau Statistics information on my side,

but I'm willing to bet the whole farm. I can't speak for myself. No, you can't. You certainly cannot speak for yourself. It's definitely not. Also, your show on HBO We're Here is awesome. Congratulations on that too. What was your experience like on RuPaul's Drag Race though, I mean, was that a long time dream for you to be on that show in the first place? I would imagine, so yeah, I mean I would say definitely, um, a

seven year dream at a time. You know, I started doing drag because I saw it on Repaul's Drag Race, and I remember being like, this looks like so much fun, Like I want to do this, this seems amazing, and then I really immerged myself in the scene. But I didn't really think about getting on Drag Race right away. At first. It was just me in nightlife, just like doing drag and having fun. It wasn't really centered around trying to get on Drag Race until I can't remember.

I think season four was the first time I auditioned. My friend was like, you got audition for this show, and I was like, you know, I'll do it. And I auditioned four times before getting cast, and I would say it didn't feel like I could actually get cast on the show until like my third time audition. The first two times I was like, I'm just doing this for fun, why not? But by the third time I was like, they would be lucky to have me on

their show. Quite frankly, yeah, I think that's a good attitude for us all to take into whatever endeavor we're about to dive into, is that people are lucky to have us, because the attitude does sail you a long way. It really does. Actually, posted in my in my audition tape, I said, you know, just you guys know, if you cast me, I will win, but also winning drag Race won't be the biggest thing I do. And then they must have been like, this bit really thinks she is

some fucking body. I was like, I'm gonna win this show. I'm gonna do even bigger things. Heney, this is a stepping stone for me, darling, And they were probably like, Wow, this bitch is really either completely out of her mind or completely right. And it turns out I was right and maybe a little bit out of my mind too, maybe maybe a little bit of both. Okay, we'll be

right back. What do you think Because I know a lot of people like me who don't have a ton of experience other than watching it on television with drag Personally, what do you think some of people's kind of uneducated misconceptions are. So I live in this really liberal bubble, right, Like I forget that most of the world is not really up to speed with or most of America because I don't know what's going to the rest of the world. It's not up to speed with queer culture the way

that I am. And it honestly kind of blows my mind. Like, so, I just did this ad for Verizon and I also didn't and of course I'm on a show on HBO, And when HBO posted our trailer the the comments, it blew my mind. I was like, are there people are really out here like this? It was like gross, get the fag off my screen, mental illness, sick, gross, disgusting, nasty,

And I was like, is that really? Is it really how a lot of the world is a lot of America is or also know they're just a really vocal minority, and that's also a possibility as well. It really like blew my mind. People were like saying this stuff. So then I was like, I don't know, I need to post this on my page so that people can like, we can get some positive affirmation. So I don't want some young queer seeing that and being like, oh, this

is what the world thinks of me. Can I remember having that thought for a long time, thinking to myself, this is what the world thinks of me. Okay, nice to know where I stand. So you just kind of walking too world with a shitty attitude all the time

because you just think everyone's against you. Yeah, and that this is definitely a self defeating prophecy, right, which can become a self fulfilling prophecy when you have that defeatist attitude and you think that that small group's opinion embody a large your opinion of you exactly exactly, So luckily

I was. I mean, but I've also been able to travel to these towns and people think that when you're in small town America, it's just going to be a bunch of like Clue Klux Klan members coming to your hotel to throw you out. But in actuality, very few almost no clan members. Um, I can't confirm who is you know. They don't wear their hoods and out in public anymore these days. They're really not so proud of themselves anymore, which I love that we've shamed clans members

into like not being proud of their silly little dresses. Like, isn't the point that I get to go out of my dress and be like yes, but the clan members have to hide their dresses. I've never even thought about that, but like clad members have to hide there there. It's like they're they're going back to what I was doing. Now they're hiding their dresses in their closets so no one knows they're nasty, racist biggest I love that. Yeah,

we'll think about how pissed off they are. They're like great, all these drag queens get to go out and dress off like and RuPaul's Drag Race is one of the most popular shows on television. And we're not allowed to wear our white hoods out when we want to go show people what we're made of. This is bull I imagine they're still their own dread like. I think he's so the stressed to the fucking nie. Look at the craftsmanship on this goddamn garment, and I put sequels on

my hood. Now I can't show anyone it is camp clans. You look at the clans member outfit they're just it's so campy. It's so campy. It's like, you guys could if you could have put this craftsmanship in artistry into something positive, you could have really been big. It's also that outfit. It's really taking yourself too seriously, you know what I mean. They're not having fun with that at all.

I mean, there's nothing creative, there's nothing. It's just like it's It's another example of why those people are so out to lunch because they think that that's a good look, you know what I mean, and that they go for a rebranding. They can go for a rebranding, maybe bringing Christian Ciriano to just kind of look over the outfits and be like, I just have a couple of notes. I feel like, if you just change the m line, change the silhouette, you guys have really been rocking the

same silhouette for almost a hundred years. It's time to try something new. If you were in the same outfits you were wearing in the first iteration when you were first on Stone Mountain, I think it's time to try something new. But what do I know. I'm just a drag queen. So talk to me a little bit about

like self worth, self esteem. We talked a lot about on this On the podcast, We're going to talk to callers who call in for advice on various subjects, but I want to talk to you personally first about where you lie with regard to your own self worth, your own self esteem, how you became so confident and if that is an ongoing conversation with yourself. So it's really I don't want to say it's fake it till you make it, because I do have confidence in some areas,

and I like to focus on where I have confidence. Okay, For example, one of our common friends, Mateo Lane, who opens for you on tour a lot Matteyol is one of my best friends in the world. Mateo is one of the most insecure people. He by the way, I'm not spilling his tea. He says all the time. He is a nervous nelly of a gay man, just an Italian woman walking around with a mustache and heatless topless all the time. And he is just, I mean, like

nervous all the time. So he and I would go out some time and I'll just be really bold and he'll be like, how are you so both I'm like, well, I feel like, but then I'll be in other scenarios where I don't feel so bold. For example, you and I were both at the Fast and Furious five premier party on the Paramount Lot, you and me, or you and Mateo. You were there, I was there. You were there. No, it was Charlie. Sorry. You know what, I don't remember

anything I've ever done. I've forgotten more than most people will ever remember. So I'm looking at I was like, oh, that's Oh, that's Jelsea Handler as my best friends obsessed with you. And when I say obsessed, like has like

hunted you down around the world. That sounds creepy, hunted you far and wide around the world trying to come to your show that then end up like the I think the one in Vegas or somewhere got canceled anyway, and then also she came to the one in New York City, became late, like got on the wrong plane, and then try to go to the one and I think Portland's, and then that when canceled money. Yeah, she's

got it bad. She's got it bad. So I was like, I'm gonna go over say hey to Chelsea, because Butteo is a coming friend and and talked to about my friend Mon, who's who's obsested with you? And then I was just kind of like, nah, I don't have the confidence to go in there and be like, hey, Chelsea, my name is Bob the Drag Queen and we have a friend in common. So there are instance of my life where I have so much confidence. But it's what

I know I'm good at. Like I know for the fact that I can go into the room make people laugh. I know that I can turn a fierce look, but I don't always know that I can have the best social skills. And in settings like parties and stuff. I don't drink or anything, and I feel like back when I did drink, I was probably more apt to just smooz schmooze at a party, and nowadays I really only feel comfortable schmoozing if it's my party, if it's my like, if I have a position of power at the party,

I don't talk to anyone. I don't give a funk. I'll talk to anyone. But sometimes I'm kind of like, I just moved to Hollywood, so I'm really kind of adjusting to what it's like to be in this in this world. Yeah, which will also do a number on your psyche if you're not healthy enough about your own self worth, etcetera. And I think what you mentioned is good. It's like, it's good for people to know what they are good at because a lot of people think, oh,

I can't do that, I can't approach this person. Or it's like, focus on the skills that you do have, that you are confident about, and use those. You don't have to be good at everything exactly. There's there's nothing wrong with leaning into what you know you're good at and also honestly surround yourself with people who are gonna boost you up for what you're good at. That's what I love about the New York City drag scene. I had horrible makeup for years, Chelsea. I mean disgusting, bad,

god awful makeup for a very long time. But no one in New York City ever told me because they're all just focusing on how funny I was, how entertaining my shows were, that kind of stuff. So then I gotta repause drag rates, and everyone's like, bit, you look gross, and that was like you must be you must have be mistaken for someone else because I I have on good faith that I look gorgeous, Like, now you look nasty as hell. You need to fix this whole thing.

But then I got back and I was like me and maybe I could have worked on a little bit more. But I tend to around myself. People who boost me up for what i'm good at a suppose to people who tear me down when I'm not great at. Yeah, I can't be great at everything. By the way, when ever, anybody enters the scene of Hollywood, you look a lot worse than you think you do. Because for the first few years of Chelsea Lately, I had the worst makeup.

I had blue eyeshadow on. I looked like I had freckles all over my face that I don't even think we're real. I think she was applying them, and I mean just terrible hairstyles and everything. And then it wasn't until somebody was like, hey, you need to get a new hair and makeup person that I was like, wait, what do you mean? And because I wouldn't watch my show it was too much I had come from my show,

I couldn't watch it. And then when I watched it, I was like, oh shit, I do look ridiculous, you know, So that is just part of entering Hollywood, Like you have to understand what the balance is and how to look your best. I've ever been like full drag? Have ever been like full you would look so fucking snatched and oh my god, but I feel like I've already looked like I was in full drag without a too. I want to put you in like divide, I mean, I want I want someone to do it. Do it,

put me in whatever you want. Let's do it with your girlfriend who keeps missing my shows. By the way, By the way, give me her info or give it to Catherine, because where does she live here in l A. She's been traveling around She like flutes. It's flute to New York City to be in the show, and then Mr Fly went to port like she is traveling around the world to try to find you. Okay, well, I'm doing two shows at the Wiltern in Los Angeles. I'll

hook her up with tickets for that. So, yeah, that's not her fault that she can't book a flight and that she's getting her cities confused, she said, So I want you to let her know and if whoever lets her know, if they get if she gets a VP or whatever. I need her to know that I'm the one who got her these tickets have obviously, what are we gonna do? Just come in, They're gonna fall out of the sky. No, it's penny. It's a penny thing, and it needs to be like. I want you to

know that Bob the drag Queen allowed you to come. Yeah, I'll even exaggerate. And so you tracked me down, You who showed up at my house to demand tickets for your friend. And that's the kind of friend you are, and that she should be indebted to you for the rest of her life. And I liked you every since I knew I liked you. I knew I loved you ever since the first time I saw you, ever since the first time you saw me decided not to approach me.

What are you drinking there? Frappuccino? This is a binty espresso frappuccino with almond milk. I don't order my own coffee. My boyfriend orders coffee and then just gets me wherever he gets so he just doubles up with his order and then I just drink whatever is handed to me every day. What's up with your boyfriend? Tell me about your relationship. Is it a healthy one? Yeah, it's Jacob came here. So it's I have two partners actually, and right now I'm in the home with my partner, Jake.

I don't know, he's probably downstairs or something right now, Jacob, are you in here? Oh? So this is my partner, Jacob. He is. He and I've been together for almost five years. Now. This is my cute little Jacob cute. She's how you doing? All right, that's enough for you. Get the funk out of here, Jacob. Now, okay. We worked together on my company, on my podcast US and my drag and my YouTube page. He's a photographer. Here's all my photographs. And I have

another partner named Ezra. So I am polyamorous and they're friends, but we live separately. Me and Ezra live about four minutes from here, and Jacob and I live right here. Polyamory is very expensive in case, Yeah it does. You know what it does sound very expensive and it sounds

very time consuming. But I guess that's part of the package, right, Yeah, I mean, so there's this thing where we're open, right, so like we don't, we don't we're not exclusive, like only you and me, and it's not like that with us. But there is this thing where I go back and forth from each place, like literally every day, I'm gonna leave here and go over to see Ezra after this actually, but then I realized, I was like, you guys each have like a day to yourselves, and I am bouncing

back and I don't have a day to myself. So it is very time consuming, but I wouldn't have any other way. I love them both so much. I'm really grateful to have them in my life. I mean, I'm really lucky to have found two people who like uplift me and support me, and I think I'm funny, and I think they're both really talented. Nothing's worse than day someone I don't I wouldn't know en or done this.

I have a friend who did. Who did it? Actually dating someone and you hate their art but you can't say it, like imagine if you hated your partner's comedy and you were like this is imagine. Yeah. Yeah, I remember being with someone that I disliked a great deal. He wasn't necessarily an artist, but I dated him and I was in love with him, but I did not like him, and I didn't like anything you know that

he represented. And I remember thinking, what an interesting dichotomy to be in a relationship with somebody who you really because if you don't like somebody, you don't respect them. So you can be in like or I mean in love or lust or whatever it is. The chemistry can draw you in, but when you don't respect somebody, then there's really nothing to build off of. I agree. And and Jacob is a really fucking great photographer and back.

If you look on my Instagram, pretty much every picture I've ever posted is from Jacob for the last like four years. He's really phenomenal. And my partner as as a musician who I admire greatly. He's a really great singer songwriter, and I'm really I'm really grateful for both

of them. So talk to me a little bit more about polyamory so our listeners can have an understanding that that is a respect full relationship on both sides, right, because people obviously are super judgy about polyamory and don't understand it. It is true. I think most people's reservations around polyamory stem from their own insecurities and understanding of their own jealousy, and they say stuff like I could never.

There's something I stopped saying a long time ago. I think the last time I said I could never unless there's something I physically couldn't do. I used to be vegan years ago, and I remember I used to always say I could I could literally I could literally never go vegan, when the truth is I just literally wouldn't go vegan. I'm not vegan anymore. But I remember at the time thing like I just realized, like I'm really placing this whole thing on mysel, on myself. That's not

actually truight, I fully could. So I have two partners. They do not date each other. They're not in a relationship, and that's a problem, right, That wouldn't be acceptable to you. If they did have a relationship, No, that would be wonderful. I don't think they're really each other type. Yes, I don't think they're really they're really into each other very much. They're both very much bottoms and not trying to get

with each other. But now that would it wouldn't be about a problem for me at all, because you know, Ezra, my other partner has had partners while we've been together. Actually, when I met him, he had a girlfriend. Um, he's had like three girlfriends since I met him, and one boyfriend, and I liked them. I mean they're they're really cool people, you know, and you meet them and you hang out with them, Like, how does that work? I didn't meet

his boyfriend, but that was during the pandemic. They were dating when we were like because at the time I was living in New York City and he was living in l A and him and his boyfriend were living here and it was also very short lived and I never met him, but I met all his girlfriends and they're really lovely. I mean, you gotta just meet and if you understand that this is bringing your partner happiness and they're legitimately happy for me, it is really hard

to judge that or feel bad about that. You know, in the polyamor of the the compulsion, which is where you get joy and love and warm filling from seeing someone else bring your partner love and joy. Like my partner, Jacob loves to um sing musicals like at Marie's Crisis in New York City, and one of my favorite members of him is on this cruise ship. He was singing this is so gay. He was singing Jacobs. The song you were singing from Wicked Loathing? Yeah, what is his fielding?

So suddenly he was just like standing there, just like singing at the top of his lungs, singing like loath. He's like an adult gerrained love thing. I want you to I want you to picture Jacob. Jacob was about five ft six. He wears glasses. He dresses in all black. Usually he's kind of pale. He's like, he's a Jewish guy. He looks Jewish. You are kind of pale, baby, And he's like singing this song at the top of his lung and he was just having so much fun and

just like really enjoying himself. And I just remember thinking myself, like, I love seeing my partner this happy. And whenever I would see Ezra with his girlfriend and would bring him so much joy, it would actually bring me joy to see him that happy. I loved it. Yeah, that's as I think. That's a mindset that most people aren't comfortable with. They can't think about it in that way. And you say, yeah, you're kind of divorcing yourself from sort of any jealous feeling, right, Well,

that's not true. I get jealous all the time. I mean, I'm jealous, but of different things. I'm not necessarily jealous that my partner has a different partner. I mean, sometimes I'm jealous if one of my partners hooks up with a guy that I want to hook up with, but I know that I'm not at type someone that would have been great, but too bad. I get jealous when my friends get gigs that I want, I get jealous.

I get I'm jealous that my best friend I keep telling you about is losing weight and I keep gaining it. I'm sure this fucking Frappa Mapu bullshit's not helped me lose weight. But I mean, I get jealous all the time, but I don't let it consume me. I think that jealous is a perfectly normal thing to feel, and trying to not feel jealousy feels unhuman. Just acknowledge it and move forward. Do you think you would ever open up your relationship? Would you ever? I don't think Joe would

be in to that. He's very He's tricky with any talk of We had a girlfriend over here the other day who was talking about making out with some guy. And she had a boyfriend, and she was talking about making out with a guy and Joe. I was like, this isn't gonna go well. It was like, he's Filipino, so he comes from this Catholic upbringing and it's very traditional and it's like and I just saw the cover. I was like, it was like a balloon losing its air.

I was like, oh, this conversation is going south. But back to the jealousy thing with regard to your boyfriend losing weight. My my boyfriend, Joe has We've been skiing for the last couple of months up here in Canada, and he loses a pound to day every morning. I might get on the scale. I want to see he's lost effortlessly because he eats whatever he wants, he does

what every want. And meanwhile, I'm my body's atrophying. And I'm like, listen if you need to stop, because I'm gaining weight and he's losing weight, and I'm like, it's soon the two shell meet and I don't need our numbers to be aligning on the scale. I'm like, there's only room for one fucking hot body in this relationship and it's not you so cool it with the weight loss.

I'm like, if you lose any more weight, you're just going to be a voice that's standing behind me, and no one's even gonna be able to identify you well with me, We've made it so annoying. It's it's not my, it's not my. My boyfriend's my best friend. And when we met, I was so much skinnier than than than this is the one who's chasing around. I was so much skinnier than her. I was like a waif of a person. I was so skinny. And then I just I'm older than this year is. I've gained some weight.

I'm thirty five. My friend is thirty two, and I think that that's just enough time in this particular age range where you kind of cross thirty where your metabolism really slows down. Plus, my lifestyle has gotten a lot less active. I was like really at working out, and then I just kind of start eating whatever, and I got depressed. But then when I got depressed, start eating. She was like, I'm working out every day. She has this new boyfriend, and she's like, I'm always gonna hit

the gym, which, by the way, that will not last. Know, when you first hurting someone, you're like, I gotta be so hot for them, and they have the while you're like, once you know you got them and they're not leaving you, like you start to rest on your laurels as they say, oh yeah, yeah. Once you start starting in bed is when it's all right, like wraps up. That's when it

just goes out the window. And I started doing that, and that's and I haven't worked I've stopped working out actually, so it's completely true what you're saying, and I'm living it right now. Once I knew that he would accept me under any circumstances, I figure, why not just let it rip? Then I agree. The last thing you to let me know is that I'm good. And then I'm like, whoa, whoa, this is great. I'm so happy to be out of Yes, all right, so Catherine, we are going to take some callers,

so you know what we're doing. We're gonna give advice, you know, off the top of our head to just random people who need it, who just need a little push in a certain direction. And uh yeah, and so some of the calls are pretty serious and some of them are not. All right, let's let's do it awesome. Before we do that, we're gonn to take a quick break for some ads and we'll be right back. We'll be right back, and we're back. We're back. We're black, We're back. And Bob the Drag Queen is black. I am,

and I have been the whole show. I don't want

to surprise anyone, you know what. We actually had someone right into the Dear Chelsea Project email and they were complaining that like we didn't have enough callers who were people of color or you know, emails from people of color, and I, you know, I just wanted to be like, do you know that you don't know what raised someone is from what their first name is or their email is or whatever, like, because I'm here seeing like pictures of people and last names and things like that, and

it's like we just you don't know from their voice what raised someone is. But I think everyone can hear me. I sound black, and I understand that. I know that you know that I am black and gay. That is like here, I I sound like what I look like. UM, but not everyone has that ability. I understand it is it is a plus. It's a wonderful thing. We should honestly, everyone should calling and be like, Hi, I'm I'm a black faggot anyway, um, I want to say yes, yes, Keith.

And your voice is so wondering what I'm interrupting you to tell you how read your voices? But you have a great voice. Thank you. That's so sweet. I have a little Midwestern accent, so i've I don't know, since moving to Los Angeles. I'm a little self conscious about that because people are like, where are you from? Like I'm a total yokel. I'm from outside of Chicago. Just enough charm. My friend who moved to New York City tried to get rid of their their Midwestern accent, so

they didn't want to say like drag or bague. They would say drag or bag, but they thought that the word they thought the word vague was actually pronounced that because of their accent. Anyway, sorry, go ahead. How did they pronounce vagina? VEGANA, Well, that's what I'm gonna are doing. No, thank you, Bob, I really appreciate that. So our first

email comes from Aaron in Texas. She says, Dear Chelsea, I have a naturally projected voice that can often be the loudest in a room without my intentionally raising it A blessing sometimes but often accurse. How can I improve my self awareness of this and learn how to quote mute myself without having to constantly think about it. My husband often asks me to quiet down, even in our own house, and I come from a very loud talking family.

Plus I'm from Texas, so I suppose I'm unnecessarily loud, proud, and extremely annoying by environmental nature. I'd like to improve my social communication skills, avoid resentment from my software speaking husband, and not be the most annoying person in the room if I can help it. So what's the best way to work on this and retrain my voice to chill out a bit instead of letting it roar. Thank you for your time, Aaron allowed, talking Texan who would like

to be better. Oh well, Bob, it sounds like that you guys might have something. Okay, you caught me. I disguised myself as a woman from Texas and I wrote a letter And honestly can't tell this person is black or white because I feel like this they could be either. But I also felt like a black woman's husband would not ask them to be quiet, like I can't bath them. A world where a black woman's husband is like, can you please, I'm not happening. But I know this type

of woman, this Texas you know texts in kind of loud. Yes, I know this type of woman. I have had this feedback since I was a small child. Like I remember my parents would tuck me and they'd be like, I'm right here. You don't have to speak so loud, Chelsea. Have you ever had that situation? Yes, yes, I am. I do modulate my because yeah, and I think a lot of people have it. It's not uncommon, and it does. It does depend a lot on your upbringing and the way that you were raised and how large how to

talk to be heard in your family. So those are all qualifying factors that make an impact on how you turn out. But it is nice not to be the loudest person in the room. You sometimes need to be when you're a child and you're growing up with six brothers and sisters like I did, I needed to be the loudest child in the room. But you know, I learned as an adult that sometimes you can make more of an impact without screaming. Where do you fall in the in the in the line of kids, Are you

like the middle youngest, I'm the youngest. You were like loud and the baby I was allowed count baby is what I was. I was like, hey, everybody, get the funk out of my way, because this is my turn. It's my show now. And my brothers and sisters didn't know what had happened. I was really just a nightmare. And I came out screaming and sold my older sister, who had been the youngest for six years. I stole her thunder. But you know, that was a childlike reaction

to a situation. And as you get older, you realize you don't always have to be the loudest person in the room, and sometimes it's much more more impactful sometimes to be you know, to modulate your delivery and to be calm and to and to be a good listener. You know, I think when you when you listen a lot, you start to calm down a lot, and you realize that it's not that you're trying to make a scene, but there's a part of you that wants to be heard so much that that's worth letting go at some

point of your life. You know, when you're a really loud person, but sometimes people just talk loudly and they don't you know. Joe is a comedian and he's on stage all the time, and he is partially I believe deaf because he'll wake up and I'm like, hey, fun face, morning voice, it's morning time. Stop screaming, Or he'll play something on his phone to show me and I'm like, oh, you know, like can you not hear that? That's not

an appropriate indoor volume. So some people just aren't aware and are slightly deaf, So you might want to get your hearing ship go to the doctor. Texas girl, I will say, there's your Like, feeling like the loudest person in the room does feel powerful, but then when you see the person who is the loudest in the room and it's not you, You're like, this bitch sounds obnoxious,

like why is she screaming? So I would say being the loudest person feels good, but observing the loudest person, especially when you are loud and someone comes in louder than you, You're like this, why why all this? Why do you need to be this fucking loud? But there's a difference between like being loud and just talking too much. I have always talked too much and I'm very loud, but my whole family is loud, except my brother have a very quiet brother, and me and my mom are

just so loud. I don't even know how he lived in the house with us. We are like, me and my mom are very funny, We're very quick witted. And my brother is kind of like Boom Howard from King of the Hill. He has like a real thick Southern accent, like a black So the next day he's like man career mount, you know, like he's unintelligible. And me and my mom are like just zipping being bang women all the time. But whenever I do tap into my quiet energy,

it does feel powerful. It feels like, oh, they don't know anything about me, honey. I agree with that, because that is an exercise that I tried a lot after therapy to try not to be the center of every dinner party or every conversation. Like my habit of trying to be the center of attention abated a lot, and I really had a desire to listen, be still, kind of take in and perceive rather than output. And that is a powerful game and a challenge for every person

to do. You know who has that habit of being loud and being overly I don't know. I mean there's a power in pulling that back, and it's a good fun like challenge for yourself. So it's kind of like hard when the person who is the center team and that you like isn't as funny as you. You're like, I would kill like. I wouldn't be killing if I was like, you're not that funny, you're not that cute. You know, I should take the reins. I'll be the centing because you're not doing a good job at it.

I was trying to be quiet all day, so I'm gonna have to just lean in here and crack this room up. Yeah. Or you get to a point where you are welcoming, you welcome someone else who's the center of attend because that's a load off of your back. That is true. I have a friend up here and

Whistler who just doesn't shut the funk up. Ever, her name is and and she you see her on the ski lift, and she doesn't shut the funk up from the time you get on the chair to the top of the mountain, and then when you're skiing you can still hear her talking. And I love it because I don't have to do anything. I just relax and enjoy the show. I don't think you're gonna say her name and give her a location every day at three o'clock. Angela Thomas is her name, is her full name. Everybody

look out for her. And if you live in Whistler you already know who the funk she is. Can we hear her on this game The Screamer and Whistler. She listens to this all the time too. She's gonna love it. Hopefully that helps you. Texas. You're gonna just try and play a little challenge with yourself, and especially if it annoys your husband, that's not invalid. It's not like he's

saying he doesn't like your personality. It's just the decibel in which you speak, So like make the adjustment, and that could be a fun kind of like for play situation. You know, it's kind of fun to turn them on and be like, yeah, look at me, I got my ship together. I'm not screaming anymore at parties now you really want to get fucked, do your bedroom voice. Everyone has the bedroom volume, you know, well, accept my my

boyfriend is he speaks when we're having sex. He speaks at the same volume and tone that he does when we're not having sex. Which boyfriend? First of all, Jacob, he's the one we met. Yeah, he just talks in the same tone and the same volume and the same boys as when we're just like, you know, going to the sore. It's very weird. That's funny. That's a funny thing to do. Hi, thank you deeper. Yeah. Literally, it's like, let's let's let's move over to a new position and

that boys, let's let's let's let's switch positions. Now that coffee is really kicking in. Yeah, look at him bouncing off the walls. I'm normally a tea person, or have switched to tea, but on recording days I do coffee as well. So I wish I didn't hate tea so much, you know, I didn't. I wish I didn't find tea so fucking boring. It's just so boring. The tea with milk, like the what's that? The what's that? You know, it's like a lot chi Chi is great tea. That's good.

I like Chi. I have chis when I go to Starbucks because I'm not really a coffee drinker either, But when I do have tea at a restaurant, like when someone orders to you I'm like, oh, that sounds nice, I'll have one, and then I have it and I'm like, oh, this is nice, but I just never desire it. Oh for sure, unless you marry God this out. Sweet tea is a fucking game changer. It's it's it is not what you think. It does give you any because it's cappying in it. But sweet tea is unlike any tea

in the world. I am an avid drinker of sweet tea when I go home, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but McDonald's actually has really fucking good sweet tea. Listen, let's not be dishonest here. McDonald's has a lot of good options and they're all fucking delicious. Thank you for saying that. Because they hate these Hollywood types who like, when you're hanging out and you want to go eat somewhere and you say jack in the box. Now I look at you like you're crazy, Like, bitch, don't act

like you don't eat fast food. I hate people who don't eat fast food and act like their royalty and they say something like, oh, I don't eat fast food. Up. Yeah, Well, we can all agree that it's not healthy and that that's it's not going to help you in any situation be healthy or lose weight or whatever your desires are. But we have to all acknowledge that it's delicious. Thank you, Thank you, Chelsea of course, girl of course. Well, on that note, we have a caller. Her name is Samantha.

Just perfect. Dear Chelsea and co in one. At a low point in my marriage, I did something horrible and cheated on my partner, even though the other man and I only slept together once. We had been flirting and talking about sleeping together for about a year. I felt so guilty after I physically cheated that I immediately told my husband after it happened. It was rocky for a while, but we both really changed our lives around and worked on ourselves and our relationship, and we're better than we

ever have been. The part I need advice on is how to get over the man I cheated with. My friends seem not to understand how it could still hold feelings for the man I cheated with since things are going so well in my marriage now. It's complicated even further because the man I cheated with is my childhood friend's brother, so I'll most likely have to see him again at things like weddings, etcetera. I haven't talked to him since the night we slept together, and I feel

like I never really got closure. I know from my therapist that closure is something you give yourself, but I can't seem to shake these feelings I have for him, and it's affecting the relationship I have with my friend as well as my marriage. Samantha. Mm hmmm, Hi, Samantha, Hi, Hi, I just want to start about saying nice. Try Jada Pinkett Smith. We know that's you, No kidding, Sorry, go ahead, Jasey, Yeah, Jada Pinkets was a nice way to disguise yourself as

a white woman named Samantha. Okay, way to fucking go. Yeah, you have an entanglement, Okay. So Bob the drag Queen is in a polyamorous relationship, So Bob, why don't you go first? And then I'll weigh in from somebody who's in a monogamous relationship, because these are two different perspectives. So I think that no matter what relationship in, whether it be polyamorous, monogamous, even if it's a friendship or if it's work relationship, whatever, I think that honesty is

probably the best thing. And obviously you did breach your husband's trust, breach the honesty contract that you had together, But the fact that you came forward and acknowledge what you did that is that is a level of honesty that most people could literally only aspire to. I don't think you even know how many people would take this kind of thing to the grave and let it eat them up, or they hold onto it so long that it ends up eating your marriage from the inside out.

Not in a hot way, it is your marriage from the inside out, and then the walls will come caving down around it. I feel like, if you, in my opinion, if you feel like you can't let go of the person that you cheated with, this childhood friend of yours, what I would maybe recommend is having an honest conversation with them. Let your husband know you're gonna have this conversation, have an unest conversation with them, and be like, listen,

I can't communicate with you anymore. When I see you at events, I will say hi, I will say bye, But you and I we cannot talk anymore because I value my relationship with my partner so much and I have a lot of shame centered around what I did with you, and it's not a proud moment for me, and I'm sorry for bringing you into this entanglement that I have. That was on me. I reached my trust with my husband. You didn't do that. That was me,

and I'm acknowledging my part. But now I'm cleaning up my side of the street and trying my best to move forward. So for that reason, you and I cannot communicate anymore because I'm having a hard time in my relationship. And if your partner, your husband is obviously you two love each other because you're still to other, you know what I mean. And we all make mistakes, like everyone makes mistakes, and we get to give the mistakes to

gravity we choose. For some people this would be a relationship any mistake, and for some people it is just a chance to bond and become out stronger than you did before. You ever had an argument with your partner, and then at the end of the argument you communicated so effectively and so well that now you are actually stronger than you were before. This is an opportunity, This is an opportunity for that, you know. Yeah, that's great advice. Actually,

um not. Actually it's great advice period. So I have a question for you some metha, do you still pine for this guy that you had sex with the one time? Like it sounds like you have some little mixed up feelings about it. Yeah. I mean what's complicated is because we've known each other like our whole lives, so it's difficult to let that go. And like when we were teenagers, we would hook up a little bit, so it was I don't know if we ever really like dealt with

our feelings that we had for each other. And now I'm just like in a very committed relationship and that was not the time to deal with those feelings. So but you don't feel like you still have anything to explore with him? No, Okay, well then that's easy. Yeah. I think you just need to follow Bob's advice and

do exactly that. Send an email and just put closure on it, you know, for your sake and for his and exactly what he said is perfect because yeah, it was one time, but if you really are committed to your husband, it is the most honorable thing to do is to be upfront, be honest, don't lead him on in any way. Just just say you know, this is where I stand, so that there is a button on it and it's not just left open ended, because I find that to be a little confusing sometimes for other

people because who knows where he's at? What about your friend? He's the brother of your friend, right, does your friend know about what happened? Yeah, she was like directly involved with all of the drama. And we've we have slowed our relationship out really well, like we're on we're on a good page. I still feel like kind of uncomfortable around her just because I'm like embarrassed that it happened,

but she knows what's going on. And I think a good thing for you to remember is to just kind of take all the drama out, you know, don't create any more drama. There's been enough, so you don't have to explain to your friends your feelings that you still

have about the situation. I think extinguish it, send that email off, and be done with it, and act like an adult moving forward, because it is a dramatic situation and in order to show growth and to have growth, you kind of want to get that behavior out of your system, you know, And I think too, you you really owe everyone, that's honestly, but more than anything, you owe it to yourself, like it has something to Oprah is who you owe into, okay, because Oprah knows by

the way, you know what, Santa, you better watch out, you better, And I cry, Oprah's around the corner. It's Oprah, God and Santa, and they all live around the corner for you. And the thing is, you know, as William Cullen Bryan once said, you know truth crushed earth will arise again. No lie can live forever it is. It is next impossible to when you tell a lie. You found this out because you were sneaking around. When you tell one lie, you have to tell another life to

support the lie. Lies cannot be supported by truth. Lies can only be supported by moral lied. And you build up a house of lies. And then because everything around your artifice, you don't know what's real, and it becomes really hard. But now you're already working on the path to honesty um telling the truth. And as long as you stay on that path, I think you will be really you'll you'll be in a very good position, you and your partner and this other person and your friend

as well. And do not be ashamed. It's not about being proud of what you did. But don't beat yourself up over because I can see it's easy to think of this as a series of mistakes, like there was the flirting, and then the texting, and then the sexting, and then the actual sex and then the different Each position is a different mistake during sex. But just think about one mistake instead of trying to compartmentalize and beat yourself up over it. Don't beat yourself up over it

because just don't do that to yourself. You can be meaned yourself than anyone in the world. Do not bully yourself, you know. Yeah, the negative self talk is detrimental to all of us. So you can use this to just no, say to yourself, Okay, that was I was operating at a lower vibration, on a lower plane of existence when I was acting that way. But guess what I fessed up. I can had I come to Jesus, I told the truth and now I'm at operating at a different level.

And just remind yourself that of your integrity moving forward, and that's all that matters, is what you're doing today and moving forward. Yeah, and I think when we get married we have the sense of like security, and you know, the person that we're with is very comfortable, and you may find that like what you were after was not

It wasn't sex. It was this sense of danger and this, like Bob said, the flirtation, the like year of build up to this thing, because when you actually got to the sex, it wasn't something that was fulfilling or satisfying. So I wouldn't say to your husband that this is

what you're doing because there's something missing necessary. You could, but you might try some different things, like some role playing or some like fun things with your husband that give you that sense of danger, that sense of mystery, that sense of something new and fresh and like a little exciting. And that could be bedroom stuff or it

can be just life stuff. Maybe every week you have a date night with your husband, so there's something new and fresh to insert a sense of novelty in your life, especially after being trapped around houses for two years. Our brains crave novelty. Does that help, Samantha, Yes, it's a thank you. I like your kitty cat that's coming wants to be involved, subsessed. Your kind is obsessed with I don't have a cat. I actually hate cats, yours included.

But cats are like obsessed with people's computers and like looking at the screens, like getting on the keyboards. I couldn't, but I'm sure you're cat's great. I'm sure really cheers. Yeah, I wish my dog Burt would sit on round and the back of my shoulder like that while I was past, What kind of dog is Burt? Oh? He's a big fat, lazy asshole, is what the kind of dog he is? And who goes back and forth all morning long, walking back and forth, pacing until he can get his first

meal in. It's just a typical male bullshit you do. Just so That's why I love dogs. That was just kind of like they're so simple. There's like I just wanna I just want to snack, Like can I just have a little snack please? And cats are always up to something. I don't trust cats. Cats are They've got some sneaky Like this cat is actually actively plotting our demise when we leave, the cat's gonna go and give us a one star review on iTunes. I know that anything that is trained to take a ship in a

box and then hide it is a tricky character. Okay, like take a ship in a box and then kick it and hide it. So not only do you have to clean up the shadoubi, you have to find it. I mean, I don't That's why I don't trust them. They they're multilayered and there Catherine has cats too, She's into cats. Oh. I had a cat growing up, but I don't have cats currently. I just have a dog that seems like a cat. People would come up to me on the street and me like, I love your kitten.

Why did I say that she just seems like a cat. Well, I think once you have a cat, Katherine, you've always had a cat. You know, you can't catch out of it just because you no longer physically have it. It's like, yeah, all right, well, thank you, Samantha. I hope we helped you. You did. Definitely send that email and you know, move on to the next chapter and let us know what happens. Don't beat yourself up anymore. Yes, thank you, Thanks Samantha.

I don't know what it is though, I mean, secretly, I just love I mean, I don't like to hear people's pain, but I do love hearing about like affairs and interpersonal like you know, Torrid kind of relationships, like when people are dishonest or they cheat, Like I do find that compelling. That makes perfect sense. Is that what you're saying is not weird at all. I am a messy bitch who lives for a drama. I love drama. That's why I talk about all my friends as soon

as they leave the room, is Sam gone? Is she gone? Is she gone? Yeah, they're never gonna make it. Kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I was doing a bit, you know, to that point. We we do tend to have a way to over dramaticize things, right, Like a lot of people, like you said, we like the drama, and then we extend the drama, like where that drama could have been over, she's extending it because of her feeling and that like feelings and thought patterns, and she

hasn't put it to bed. So, as human beings, we all have a tendency, not all of us. Some people are a little bit more mature, but a lot of us have the tendency to make things more dramatic than they need to be. Yeah, that is that is t as as the queer say, that's t henny, but not because a sweet tea. Yeah, there we go. We're all on the same page now. Well, our next caller is Jess Justice seven and is from Memphis. Jess says, I'm a masculine, non binary lesbian and I could use some

advice in the dating department. I seem to only attract closeted, experimenting or just coming out queer women that end up not being in a position to be in a committed relationship. What am I doing wrong? Jess? Hi? Hi, Jess, Hello, Oh my goodness, it's adorable. You have been one of my heroes since I was in middle school. And I'm a little bit shook right now. So wait, who are you talking to? This could change everything, Chelsea. No not, he just blocked off. I'm sorry, I'm freaking out a little.

That's okay, honey, you can that's fine. We get it. We get it. Bob the Drag Queen is here to also aid in the advice giving, as well as Katherine, our producer, who I'm sure you've spoken with already. Well, we're just we're glad to have you, so I'll do some talking before so you can collect yourself. Okay, great, I've heard this from so many people, especially women, gay women, and gay men who are experimenting or only attract people who aren't sure if they're out of the closet yet,

or are secretly having sex with both sexes. Blah blah blah. There's a really good book that we talked about a lot on the show. It's called Attached. You should pick up a copy and read it because it's about creating those relationships with unavailable people and not becoming a pattern

of behavior. There's like three versions. One is a secure person, one is an avoidant, and avoidance are the type of people that you're talking about that haven't come to grips with their reality and they're not sure what they want to do. So it's a pattern of your behavior for attracting these people and then pursuing it. Right, you have to kind of set sail in a different direction and

look for people who are really available. Yes, I know the book that's on my book list because I've heard it on the podcast, and I do read up on attachment styles, and I'm definitely an anxious attached person. I can be codependent at times, So it seems to be like this perfect storm of a situation, and I definitely can like, I know it's a bad decision, but I still pursue it because of like the dopening hit in

your brain if you're flirting or getting physical. And I'm definitely working on that, but it is really hard because sometimes I feel like I am the only one in the world going through it. It feels like a very nuanced experience that a lot of my other friends, even other gay friends, aren't going through, and it has just

created this profound sense of loneliness. And that's just really hard, you know, especially when you're trying really hard to be out and comfortable and like do the right things in life. And it's no one's fault because everyone's entitled to come to themselves in their own time. But I keep getting into this pattern and I'm you know, I'm twenty seven now, I've been out since I was nineteen, and I'm kind

of like this year enough is enough. I do feel like I deserve someone who's intentional about relationships and can like receive the love I want to give somebody. You know, I will say this just I feel like we as people get to decide what we accept for ourselves, you know what I mean. We get to let we get to decide if we want to be introduced to the families.

We get that, we get this at our own standard, and after a while, sometimes when you've set a standard for yourself, but then you let someone not do this part and I do this part and not do this part, not of this part. Are you lower your own standard of what you feel like you deserve. And I can't speak for everyone, but I know for me personally, I deserve someone who loves me in public. I deserve someone who wants to commit to me. I deserve someone who

is not ashamed. I deserve someone who who knows what they want. I deserve to not have someone figuring out their sexuality when they're with me. There's nothing wrong with someone figuring out their sexuality. There's nothing wrong with someone you know. Some people can't come out of the closet because of where they are, who they are, what they do for a living. This is and I'm not judging anyone for not being able to come out of the close because we all have different journeys for when we

need to come out and that kind of stuff. But I know that I don't have to be around while you figure that out, because it is hard for me mentally, I can't sneak. I've been out of the close since I like you. I think I came out and I was eighteen years old, no, seventeen alls in high school. And I'm thirty five years old now, and I have no desire to go back into. The closet is a very uncomfortable place. And sometimes you feel your desire to

be loved can outweigh your desire to love yourself. Let me say again, sometimes your desire you're you're desired to be loved by someone else can outweigh your desire to love yourself. But that's why the color purple is the best love sort of all time, because in the end, she doesn't get shug avery, she doesn't get the love of messrs. She and learns how to love herself and then she it's a cat. It is the best love

sort of all time. So I think you need to, in my opinion, figure out how you can love yourself. Set standards for yourself and don't let because if you break your own standards, if you're willing to break your own standards, you'll other people just plow through them. You. Other people just shot you and again where they want because they're They're like, well, well, obviously they don't consider their own standards there. They're they're letting anything fly. So

I'll just I can do whatever I want to. It's kind of like you ever been a someone's house and the house is kind of messy, but the house is kind of messy, You'll just put your shirt anywhere. You don't care. You don't you don't feel the need to be nice in this house. When you go to a house in the house pristine, you would take your shoes off before you even get inside. You walk around, you tiptoe,

you clean everything. You don't want me smudge me because you're like, wow, this person really cares for their house, and when their houses's house, they don't even give a You are your own house. Yeah, that's that's great advice. And I actually have a twin brother who is also gay, and my mom who by the way, she and my brother love you, Chelsea so much, and they say, HI,

have been so supportive and amazing to me. It's sometimes hard to relate to these other women who you know, have homophobic parents or transphobic parents and just don't have any position to really be out. And it's sort of makes me crazy. I'm like, just come out, then we can be out and open and it's fine. But they're not in a position to do that, and I think I do need to be more empathetic about that, but I tend to let the experience still into my life

and then I feel resentful. You can be empathetic, but you don't have to be present for it. You don't have to. It is not your duty to assist people through coming out. That is not your job. You can decide if you want to do it, but you don't have to do that. That is, you are not there. They're they're gay counselor you're you're not. That's not your job, but you don't have to do There we go, There we go. That's that kind of attitude you need to

have because it's exactly it's exactly right. You're choosing to be a part of something that you don't need to be a part of. You can totally be empathetic to their experiences, but you don't need to witness it. You're in a different spot. You are out, you do have support, You're ready for a healthy, committed relationship. So you know in that book they say anxious goes to avoid it

because they like that codependency. They like that that that chasing, that chasing, the chasing, and never really getting what you desire. So you have to flip the script on that, and you have to you have to decide that is no longer enough for you what you're looking for, and be intentional about it. There's no harm in saying to people right out of the gate, listen, I'm only interested in being out with you or going on a date with you, or meeting for coffee or whatever you're going to do

or a date. If you're out and ready and open to being in a relationship with someone. That doesn't mean we're gonna get married or we're even going to be in a relationship. But that's what page I'm on, and I want to meet somebody of the same nature. And even saying that out loud to yourself is going to be helpful for a while, you know, until you start living that truth. Being codad it can be very scary because feeling like you need something, in my opinion, that's

not a healthy bond. It's kind of like when you're told by the doctor that you have to do something versus you wanting to do it. I hate working out. I don't love it. I feel like I have to do it so I can feel good in this industry. It's not like a really like oh, I just love and people who love going to the gym. You can there's a clear difference in people who love it and people who feel like they need to do it. You

can see it on their faces at the gym. And it's not just that, it's it's an all facets of your life. Codependency is really tough. I don't even ever heard of alan On or Coda, but if you've ever heard of Coda, Coda is a great program for people. It's a twelve the program people who are struggling with being codependent because that's me. It's that's me to tea and I even just this past year have really you know, I lay in bed at night, I'm like ship, that

really is me. And it's sort of embarrassing to admit, but it's very true. It's like withdrawal, like if you don't feel needed by someone, and in particular like romantic relationships. For me, it can really plummet my mood. And I'm just like, good God, that's not sucking it. I do not want to live a life that my mood is so dependent on these situations that have these patterns that I know I'm not a stupid person, are are not healthy and not good for me. And you know, I'm

twenty seven now. I do want to get out of that loop for sure. By the way, seven thirty seven, forty seven, I just turned forty seven. Seven is a lucky number and it's a good time for change. Seven year cycles, you know, a lot of things are seven year cycles. That's the seven year itch, seven year growth hair cycles. So there's so many things that applies to seven rings a big hit. But you know, so your seven like you have every opportunity to change your patterns

of behavior. So it's a huge opportunity right now, and you should go for it and maybe just take some time out in the interim before you go and set out with your new kind of way of operating in the world and operating and finding your mate, just take some time to like make sure you're instilling in yourself. Read a couple of these books, get to know yourself on a deeper level and understand what your value is

and what you're expecting out of this life. What are you expecting and what are you going to settle for? And what you Bob said about your standards, you know you're the only person who has the ability to raise your standards. Yeah, yeah, that's so true. I um. I met someone recently at a friend's wedding and she was

so openly a affectionate towards me. I couldn't receive it, like I was uncomfortable, and her and I had to have a conversation about that, and I was like, look, I know we're not in a committed relationship or or in love or any anything like that, but you reminded me that I do deserve open and honest and sincere affection without all the noise in the background. And I just feel like I haven't not even I haven't had that in a long time. I just feel like I

haven't had that. And it was sort of I don't know if it was an AHA moment or a wake up call, but just one little moment in life WHEREM like, I'm doing this wrong and I I can change it, no one else can, and I need to start doing the steps to do that. One day you'll get the open effects that you deserve, and you're gonna be like I can't wait. If I ever settle for anything less than this, Yeah, you're gonna be like, I will never ever go back to it. I didn't even know it

could be this great. On the other side, my I can relate to what you're saying completely. That's exactly my relationship with Joe. He's so overly affectionate. He's so well, not overly, he's perfectly affectionate. But in the beginning, I was like, cool it, buddy, get the funk off of me. You know, we're out in public. I don't want to be tongue kissing you, and you know all of the things that I have judgments about. I mean, I still

would rather not tongue kiss in public. But you know what I'm saying, I had all these kind of like oh no, this isn't cool, like this is too much, and then you're realizing, like this person loves me. They're they're all over me because they love me, you know. And then six weeks into the relationship, we flew from New York to l A and I sat in his lap an entire plane ride. So talk about breaking my own rules, Like you have to realize, oh I am worthy of this, you'r all your judgments about all of

that are not necessarily accurate. It's just where you are in your life right now, so you can easily change course. Were you flying private, that's a great question. If we were flying private, it wouldn't have been a pertinent story, would it have been? Because who gives a ship? If I was sitting on his lap on a private plane, we were flying commercially. You're sitting in someone's lap on a delta flight in the fight, it is like, yeah,

they and to five five and a half hours. I sat on his lap and just like why we watched movies on his lap. And I was like, I'm breaking for single and I'm Chelsea Handler, So I don't need to be fucking like vulnerable like that in front of people, you know, especially flight attendants. They respect me, they know my game, so you know, you just you just have to understand that we all deserve to be adored in that way and you can do whatever the hell you

want that makes you happy. Yeah, and that I'm not just someone to give someone like a first good queer experience and then they're like bye bye. You know, I deserve someone to really stay. I think, and I hope and I'm trying to place that we all deserve to sit in Joe Quoi's lap on a commercial flight Los Angeles. Do you want to start out doing that? I can send you on a flight with Joe Koy and you can sit on his lap, and then we can start

you dating again. Okay, that will change my game a little bit, but I'm doubt Yeah, well, that will transition you into a different level of self adoration for sure. Thank you so much, Oh my god, thank you so much. So keep us posted. Let us know when you're in love, Okay, I certainly will. Hopefully it's sooner than later. Yeah, and then we can bring her on and we can talk about public public displays of affection. Okay, take care, Thanks so much, so much. You've got this. You can do

by everyone. By by when he's seven years old, I have a question, when you were in the fight one seven year old or seven twenty year olds fight one seven year old or seven twenty year olds or twenties seven year olds, fight them physically physically. Seven year old son, you can take out seven year old. There's seven twenty seven year old. I don't want to fight a seven year old. I mean, that's not going to you know what I mean, I'd rather just kick a twenty seven

year olds ask and be done with it. It would you rather get beat up by its publicly? Like you're out in public? You the image of Chelsea Handler beating up twenty seven year olds, It's not it's not good. Pr it's not good. That would not be a good look for me. Then beating me up would be a better look for me. Chelsea Handler allows twenty seven year olds to pummel her to a bloody pulp on Hollywood Boulevard. Yeah,

right next to my star. I don't have Well, let's take a quick break and we'll be right back to wrap up with Bob the Drag Queen and Chelsea. Okay, we'll be right back with Bob and his cat. Okay, we're back from break you guys. I'm back with Bob the Drag Queen and my co host Catherine and um, we're at the end of our hour. So do we have any last minute business? Catherine, Bob, do you have any advice you'd like to ask Chelsea for? Yeah? I do. Actually, so,

I'm I'm relatively new to the Hollywood scene. I just moved to Hollywood I've only been working in film for maybe seven years now, which is actually pretty young. And I have a lot of friends who are like getting some big moments, and I sometimes get really jealous, but I'm also happy for them, like I'm happy. But then there are certain friends, certain friends, when I see them get success, I'm like, what a bitch? Like what a bit?

And I'm tolding the line between like wanting to be happy for them and also wanting this myself and not wanting to sell myself out to be a Hollywood type because I want to meet new people, but I also like have a hard time, you know, like I said, I couldn't even come with you the thing and being like, hey, I'm bob, I get move here, Let's go have boba,

you know what I mean. So what is your advice for someone for a young starlet like me breaking into the Hollywood scene who's willing to do anything to get cast in the movie. Well, first, I would like to say that I had boba for the first time a couple of months ago, and I choked on those balls and the fact that you have to suck balls through a straw is going backwards for me. So I'm not going to have boba again, and I don't care who

that offense. Secondly, I would say that jealousy you said yourself at the beginning of this episode, is a natural human feeling. It's not something you can avoid. It's only something that you can promise yourself not to act on. Right, Like, you don't want to act in jealousy, you don't want to act in envy. You can have those feelings. They're natural. They happen to everybody. There's so many people, and it's not your decision whether or not somebody else succeeds anyway.

That's not up to you. So the coolest way you can be is to accept everybody's got their own path, and that means you too. I think when you can't be happy for other people and their success, it's hard to accumulate your own. That is very true. So that's something I like to remember. You know, even if it's someone you're not that great with or somebody that's sucked you over, it's just cooler and better to be like good for them, good for them. Yeah, do you need

any advice from me, Chelsea? I mean, you've got me so much already. I mean, I'm first of all I've changed my coffee drink and now I'm getting a frap puccino with almond milk. I'm going to take another lover. I have to tell Joe when he gets back, he's going to be pissed because he's the one who set up my computer for this podcast this morning. And then he's gonna come back and I'm gonna tell him it's time for us to also open up our relationship and

I'm just gonna start doing drag. Well, you're gonna dress me up. That's gonna be our next thing to Wait, what's your girlfriend's name? Who keeps going to the wrong show or keeps going to shows that don't happen. A drag queen named Monet Exchange who is the winner of All Stars season five of RuPaul's Drag Race. And it's also good friends with me and Mateo as well. But

I definitely I would love to drag you out. I mean, it's what we do on my on my show We're here, like, I mean, I'm used to putting people up in full of drags, and there are certain people you Leslie Jones. I really want to get my hands on Leslie Jones because I feel like we actually look alike, like me and Leslie Jones could be siblings, like full ty Cynthia Reeva. I want to get her in full drag. There's a

couple of I want to get my hands on. I remember I once said to one of my makeup artists or my hairstylists, they had done my hair and in this like fancy fancy backbon like really intricate. But from the front it looked like ship. I looked like a bagel, like you couldn't even see my hair line like it was. And I go, hey, this looks terrible, and she goes, yeah, but from the back it looks amazing, and I go,

but I'm not backing into the show. No one sees the fucking back of my head was what the funk. I was like, You're gonna have to go anyway. It was a delight. Oh my god, I had such a good time with you. We had so much fun with you today, Bob. Thank you for coming over. You're an absolute joy, And thanks for your sagacious advice to everybody. You gave great advice. Oh, thank you. You're very lovely.

I appreciate you very much. I am also a big fan of yours, and honestly, I think we can probably thank mone for that, because Mona show me so much of your work and you're real rock star. I was wondering, who's going to play you in the movie of your life? Well, she's Moday. Is probably currently in South Africa trying to find me a performance of mine and in the wrong

spot as usual. So when she gets back, you tell her that we're going to get her tickets to the will turn all right, We'll do absolutely Okay, take care, I have a great day. Bye bye bye. So if you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, just send an email to Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.