You Are a Badass with Jen Sincero

local indie book publisher. Can you believe it? Thanks for reaching out, and big thanks for blessing me with being seen by Laura Lynn Jackson. It's all happening. Ah. Yes, it was like she was, like two weeks to the day after I shifted my energy, it all started happening. I thought that was so great. And then she also said one last thing. Knowing what Laurelyn Jackson is about signs angels, I can't help but feel like these angels helped work some magic for me. My new job is

across the street from a place called Chewies. Oh that's so cute. That's so sweet. Yeah, just loved that. I just loved that. So, you know what this stuff about shifting your energy. It really is true. Works everybody. It works. And if people don't know what we're talking about, all the books we're talking about, we'll teach you the way. And if you're listening to us and you're like, oh, what does that mean? What does that mean? It's like, you want to bring positivity into your life. You want

to bring inspiration into your life. You want to attract goodness, right and high vibes. You don't want to sit around being negative, like you just have to think all the negative thoughts pile up, pile up, and then you are just like a negative trash bin, Like you are just attracting that and you're stuck. And so when you start to flip it and just go, okay, I'm going to look at this as a positive. Even when things don't turn out the way you want go, this is an

opportunity for growth. This is an opportunity for me not to get upset and from me to figure out a solution without getting angry, without reacting. You'll be amazed at how quickly you can grow and how quickly things start to be easier. It's like life doesn't have to be hard. We make it hard by our reactions to things, so you could always choose another way. Well, with that in mind,

we have somebody really exciting joining us today. I have recommended her book a bunch of times, even on this podcast. Oh yeah, yeah. She's celebrating the ten year anniversary of her number one New York Times bestseller You Are a Badass, How to Stop Doubting your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. And she has a few other books too, but we're celebrating the ten year anniversary of this one, so please welcome New York Times bestselling author and celebrated

voice in the world of self development, Jen Cinchero. Hi, Jen, thank you so much for having me on. I'm so psyched. Oh Hi, nice to meet you, Jen, You too, Chelsea. You are just such a badass. Oh well, yes, well you wrote the book on badasses. This is I know you're coming up on your ten year anniversary, right, yeah, for your book which was a very big, big hit and continues to be, which is called You Are a Badass, How to Stop Doubting your greatness and Start Living an

Awesome life. And Catherine is very passionate and it has been very passionate about your book, so it's very inspiring. Yeah, I've mentioned it on this podcast and many times we get a lot of people calling in who are like, I'm just feeling so lost. I don't know what to do next. And I know for me, when I was at a very similar point in my life to that, you know, your book was very life changing for me.

So happy to hear that. But Jen, tell us a little bit about what kind of woke you up, because I know you were kind of going through a crisis of sorts right when you decided to take your life by the balls and make something happen with yourself. Yeah, it was like a forty year crisis basically, just like you know, I was have been a lot of fun. I was traveling, I was playing music, but I was

just always so broken. I was actually living in a garage in an alley in Venice Beach, and I was like forty years old, and I was just like, seriously, this is the best you can do. So, you know, it wasn't sort of like the lightning bolt, like I almost got hit by a bus and then I finally got my ship together. But it was more just first

of all, being broke is bull of ring. And second of all, I was like, I just had this feeling that there was so much more I could be doing with my life and that I wasn't doing it, and that was so much more painful than anything, honestly, and so I just made the decision. And you know, you don't have to wait until your life completely bottoms out to make a decision to change stuff. So I just I made the decision. I started reading all the self

help books. I went to all the any seminar. I was there with like my little name tech high five in people telling them they're awesome, hugging all these weird strangers, Like I didn't care. Whatever I had to do, I did it. And then in that process, you know, I had read every self help book under the sun. I was like, yeah, I could write a any one. No one's written a funny one. Where's the one with all the curses? And like, can write stories making fun of

my family and stuff like that. So that's that's sort of what led to the idea, because I was a writer already. I broke right. And then what happened after that?

You just started writing a book. I hired a coach, and I was reading the books, and I started my own online life coaching business, started making a lot of money and really figured that if I could crack the code, like because really I was so deeply immersed in a poverty consciousness and it was such a part of my identity, and I was like, if I can get my act together,

anybody can. Like I was just so white knuckling it, you know, fighting for like, oh, I can't make money, you know, I'm living in a garage of my forties. Like I was proving it all the time. So I was like, Okay, my story was so deep and so boring and lasted so long that I knew I could tell that the people how to do it. So that's that's sort of what inspired me writing the book. And then it just took off. It was sort of a slow build. I call it yellow Snowball because it just

kept getting bigger and bigger. And we didn't make it onto the New York Times list until three years after the book was out, and it's stayed off like five years. It just keeps growing. It's incredible. Wow, that's incredible. So you talk a lot about manifestation, but you also talk about doing all of the work that is needed in order to manifest something and which is I think a good area to start talking about as well, because I think a lot of people think, Okay, if I manifested,

I think it's going to happen. Like it's not a magic trick. You actually have to move towards that goal, right, and you gotta do a lot of stuff that scares the crap out of you. So that really is sort of the you know, the teachings, it's all the things. It's the meditating and getting quiet and allowing universal intelligence to lead the way and follow your intuition instead of following your mindset, which is what got you where you

are right now. So it really is about thinking outside the box instead of saying things like I can't afford it, I'm too broke, you know, to sort of shift it to money flows to me easily and freely, which is what I kept saying over and over even though I was still living in the garage. But it's about opening up to the greater possibility instead of staying with your blinders on. And then opportunities come your way that have

been there all along. But then you're like, oh, maybe I should hire that coach who charges one a third of my annual income. You know, then when you start to shift your mindset the possibilities that arise, you don't suddenly excuse your way out of them. You start to figure out how you're going to figure it out and make it happen. And how has your life changed since you were forty? Oh my god, I now have a garage instead of living it. It's been so much fun.

I mean, I've written three more books in the Badass brand. I've been traveling the world and helping wake people up. You know, it's so much fun to really be able to help people live their one and only life on planet Earth and am much more satisfied and fun way. So it's just it's been awesome. Yeah, it is a real gift to be able to like inspire people and lift them up out of their depression or negative space that they're in and be like, come on, you can

get the ball rolling in a different direction. And I think it just takes you know, sometimes you can't get that from within. Sometimes you do need somebody else to kick you in the ass before you understand that you need to kick yourself in the ass to keep things moving. Because there's always a choice about how we're going to move forward. And if we're going to accept our circumstances or we're going to do everything we can to change them, right exactly, you have to have ambition about what your

future is going to be. Yeah, And I think what you said, like do whatever it takes like that really is sort of you know, we all get to a certain point and then we freak out because it's too expensive or we might look stupid. And when you've made that decision that you're not screwing around anymore, you run straight towards the thing that scares the crap out of you the most. And I really feel like that makes

all the difference in the world. And I also think, honestly, like what you're doing, and you know, doing it with some comedy and some levity, I feel like that opens it up to a whole new audience who wouldn't touch this kind of stuff with a ten foot pole. So that was part of my goal too. Yeah, I think that's so important for someone who might be just dipping

their toe into this water, like reading books. I know, Jen, you've talked about like thinking Grow Rich and these other like kind of more old school self help books, but constantly filling your mind with something that is going to raise your frequency is so hugely helpful. I know something both of you do. Yeah, it's important because it's easy

to sit and watch a dumb show. That's easy. It's better to watch something you don't know anything about, like a documentary or you know, I watched this full Swing golf documentary. I can't stand golf, but I'm like, well that's better than watching some fucking stupid drama about you know what I mean. At least I'm going to learn about golf. Like maybe I'll need to know something about golf one day. Hopefully I don't ever need to know

anything about it. But you know, all of those things, it's like you make choices about how to like fill your cup more right, my cup of knowledge, Like it's so important for me to always be learning and to always be leaning something. I read three fiction books when I got to Whistler this year, and I was like, that's enough, Okay, you had your cake, and now it's time to do some real work. Like the next book has to be, you know, like a serious nonfiction historical

Like I have put so much pressure on myself. But it's like their argument about not putting too much pressure on or not putting enough pressure on yourself, you know, like we do have to pressure ourselves. Everything comes from us, Everything comes from within. And when you are not trying to evolve or learn, then you kind of are stagnant and you kind of are stuck and you're just doing the things that you like to do all the time. It's like that should be a huge part of your life,

doing things you like to do. But it's also so beneficial to constantly be challenging and learning. Like my niece was up here and she was talking about Martin Luther and Lutheranism and how, you know, the Protestant Church and how it was created. And I was like, huh, I don't remember that name. And I must have missed that day or week or month about Lutheranism and Martin Luther. And she told me all about it, you know, and

then I got a book. I'm like, all right, my eighteen year old niece just schooled me on Martin Luther. And I'm like, okay, great motivating, Like she just motivated me to go read a book about Martin Luther, so now I know what the fuck I'm talking about. And that feels so good to like, the knowledge is power more knowledge, more power, more growth. Well, and like you said, when you fill your cup, it can overflow onto the

people around you with knowledge, with brightness, with lightness, all that. Yeah, I call it going to the spiritual gym. Like you don't get to get in shape and then stay in shape, like you gotta keep exercising the mindset muscle. So absolutely, absolutely, and the exercise of meditation, this comes up all the time, how boring it is, or people I don't think they're doing it well because their thoughts are moving. It's like,

it's okay if your thoughts are moving. If you can't control your thoughts and you can't be completely blank, that's okay. It's the act of the meditation cumulatively that adds to you, like that brings something. You're setting a certain amount of time aside every morning to be with yourself. That's something that's not nothing, regardless of whether you think you're doing it well or not, because there isn't really a measure

of that either. And what other little tricks do you have up your sleeve, things that you do as a part of your daily routine. Let's see, I'm big hiker, so getting outside and moving is always a great energy shifter for me. Music definitely. When I was working on this, I had to put a moratorium on listening to Neil Young because a lot of Neil but he's so fucking depressing, and it was so depressing. I know. I have a Neil Young playlist too, and sometimes I'm like, no, I'm

going to kill myself. It's like, yeah, I put on Paul Simon to feel good and then Neil Young pops up and I'm like, no, no, no no, it's too dark to get chick done here. Yeah, so it was no Neil Young. But like you know, music that pumps you up, hanging out with people who inspire you is great. Listening to podcasts like this, you know, just but you gotta have it down. You gotta have a routine down. You

can't just sort of wing it every morning. I think it's really important to know when you're meditating, to know where you're meditating, to know, you know, have your playlist, have your little routine. If you read a book for like five minutes every morning, you got to make it like a gym workout, because otherwise you won't do it. And then you know, then you wake up at ninety with your teeth in a cup and you're like, what happened to my life? I was going to be so

oftme so, and what can you think of it? As far as you're life coaching. Are there any examples of really inspiring transformations that you were able to see in another person? Oh? Yeah, so so many. One of the things I love that has been coming up a lot is people with money. I think. I think money is so interesting and because I studied it so in depth and because I really had such a massive transformation around and I'm a little obsessed by it and that whole

concept that money is currency and currency is energy. So money is just an energetic exchange between people. And when you work the WICKEDI woo and like meditate and get in touch with source and focus on abundance and being in the flow energetically with money, which really is what it's all about. That's what the mantras are about. And that's why you don't walk around saying I can't afford it, and you say money flows to me easily and freely.

That's about that frequency. And I can't tell you how many clients of mine have had stories about needing an exact amount of money this one guy that I just talked to you had a business that tanked and he needed two hundred and forty nine thousand dollars to sort of carry his lifestyle over and to start to launch his new business. And that amount of money came in out of the clear blue sky, just so unexpected, and it was from an old business that he forgot that

he was closing down. But it was the exact amount of money. And this happens all the time when people need to pay their rent or you know whatever. It is. So the energy that you put on money and the focus of the specifics it comes in all the time, which is really exciting. I had a really similar experience

not long ago. I had a job that was supposed to pay me this like a very weirdly specific amount of money, and I wound up leaving that job because the fit wasn't right, the energy was bad, it was a bit toxic, etc. And I felt like it was

the right thing for me to leave that job. And when I went on to the next job, I felt this sort of confirmation that there had been the right choice, because I wound up getting a bonus of exactly that same amount of money for the next thing that I wound up doing, and it just felt a little bit like a nod from the universe of like you did

the right thing. And what was one of the most impactful things for you, Catherine when you read the book Originally, I think having mantras and having those sorts of things were really helpful for me. And there was a time in the beginning where it felt like I was faking it, Like it felt, you know, I was coming from a place where there was some self deprecating humor, this sort of self talk stuff, and it wasn't fun for anyone else to hear it. It also wasn't fun for me.

And so reading your book talked about like, even if it feels like you're totally faking it, changing the language around how you talk to yourself. You know, it starts with you have the thought or you say the thing that's derogatory or negative, and then you switch and you might say this thing that feels so out of character, whether it's about beauty, or whether it's about positivity or

how successful you are or money. Saying to yourself something different it feels very difficult at first, but then after a while it becomes such a habit and it raises your energy, Like it just makes you feel so much better to talk about yourself, to talk about the way you live your life in a positive way that it changes everything around you. It changes how people react to you, It changes the sort of opportunities that come to you. It changes just really how you feel on a really

deep level. And that was huge. Yeah, And it's like a job. It's a full time job to keep yourself and your vibration high. Yes, it's active work. It's not like you can just fix yourself and like you go to therapy and you're done, or you learn how to meditate, but you're done with that too, Like yeah, no, you have to actively constantly bring yourself up right, you know,

and keep yourself there. Yeah, and you know, and you know, the self help role gets a lot of shade for being like, yeah, you're gonna be all Pollyanna, like somebody runs over your foot and you're supposed to be in a good mood about it. You know. It's not about not being human and not having emotions and not having temper tantrums when freaking out and pity parties and all that, But it's about not identifying with that and not staying there and not feeding the beast and dragging it through

the mud forever. You know, it's about feeling your feelings and then making conscious choices on where you're going to place your focus moving forward. Yeah, and also not being a victim. You know, I can imagine that you must have felt like a victim for a long time living in a garage, But like, there isn't a victim. We're not victims. Like, we have the ability to pull ourselves

out of anything. So when you're in that victim state of mind and you're blaming everybody else for everything that's going on in your life, like, then you are stuck. You have to take yourself out, take responsibility for your own actions and behave like a fucking queen. Behave like you want to be seen and like you want to see yourself, and that means raising it up, like, Okay, I only have the power to take care of myself. You know, I used to be such a victim mentality.

I would be broken. I would blame this person and that person. It's like you're broke because you're waiting tables and you don't save any money. That's why you're broke. That's why you have to ask for loans from your family every year when I was in my twenties, you know, and if they didn't want to give me money, I'd be mad at them. I'd be like, oh, how can you not help me? It's like what like it was just such an immature state of mind, you know. So every one of us is a queen, okay, And I'm

talking to all the gay men out there too. You guys are queens with us, okay. So, Katherine, what do we have in store for us today? I think a lot of stuff that is right up both of your alleys. We have a question about meditation, which I think is really good and solid. We have some self love stuff, some stuff around how people feel about them, how do I change my life? Stuff. But let's take a quick break and we'll be right back with Jen and Chelsea.

And we're back. We're back, So, Jen, we have people right in. We also have callers who will be joining us as well. But I wanted to start with this question, and I thought it was very sweet and very honest, Drew says, Dear Chelsea, My question is not related to any specific problem I'm enduring or a situation i'm dealing with It's general and broad, and I'm afraid it might sound dumb. But what is meditation? You talk about it all the time and how transformative it's been for you.

I feel like I need a transformation too, but I'm not sure where to start. Do I download Headspace and just start listening to their recordings? Do I just sit in silence for a few minutes? What do you think about when you meditate? How do you do it? Thanks for being a source of humor, advice and love for millions of people. I genuinely can't explain how iconic and important you are. Please keep doing you, Drew. I would say that meditation is whatever works for you. Yes, download Headspace.

Start there. That's very pedestrian, right, like, you can get into it. It's clear, it's guided. It helps you understand what you're doing. And the idea of meditation is to drop all of your thoughts. But that's the goal. That's not always the act, you know what I mean, It's hard for us to drop our thoughts. The goal of meditation is to be focusing on your breath, to be envisioning the thing that makes you calm down and focus on your in and out breath a lot. You know,

there's different forms of meditation, but to just get into it. Yeah, the idea that you think you need it means you do. Everyone can benefit from meditation, and many people do it by sitting alone without any guidance. I don't. I have the Chopra app, which I like because there are classes and series, so I can do like a class for ten days and every morning it's twenty minutes on you letting go or a spiritual awakening or whatever you choose.

But headspace is probably the easiest way to get into meditation, I would say. So that's a great start, and then you decide what you like. You sample a bunch. You know, you can try calm, you can try the Chopra app, you can try at our toll, you can try like all these different kinds of ways to do it. And it's an important gift to give to yourself because it's forcing you to sit still, and most of us are

not doing that. You know, we're not sitting still without watching TV or reading a book or working on something we were sitting. We're never sitting still alone with our thoughts. And the idea of meditation is to drop your thoughts to have your thoughts just stay out of the way. Like when a thought comes, you're supposed to be like, Okay, let it pass, and then I'm going to get back into the breathing and the focusing on myself. I always

think about like these beautiful lights around me. I think about my mother, and my brother is like my spirit guides and all of that niceness. I just it's all love and happiness and warm fuzzies for me. Jen, what's your experience with meditation. I'm in just a better mood if I do it, I'm nicer, my friends like me more. Yeah, it's a good intention setting for the day. Yeah. And I also recommend if you're starting and it's difficult, to start small, like start with seven minutes and then just

work your way up. Don't make yourself to thirty minutes right at the get go. And honestly, for me, it's just when you slow down your thoughts and you move them aside, it strengthens your intuition, it strengthens your connection with the universal intelligence, which knows a hell of a

lot more than we do. So if you're looking for answers, sometimes it's really nice to just sort of have that question floating around, and then you can meditate and just whatever little hunch you get, like if it's like go buy all over a bread, that might lead you towards something that you're looking for answers for it, you just don't really know. So the thing that I think is so lovely about meditation is it strengthens your ability to hear those hunches and to feel those hits and then

to go act on them. And that's where the real party starts, because what do they say, like ninety percent of our thoughts are just regurgitated and aren't actually helpful and are not moving us in the direction we want to be going. So we get into habits of thought, and so when you want to change your life, you don't want to keep thinking the same damn thoughts because those are the ones that got you where you are

right now. So that's the great thing about meditations that it breaks that habit of thought and allows you to expand your thought process and just go a lot, a lot bigger than where you are right now. Yeah, And I think that's why this question did come up for Drew, is it can look so many different ways, Like Chelsea, I remember on the Ben Bruno episode, He was like, why don't meditate? But I do this box breathing where I breathe in for four, hold it for four, breathe

off for four. And you're like, but that is meditation. You know, you're focusing on your breath, you're listening, you're getting quiet, and it can look so different for everybody. Yeah. Yeah, no one's ever started meditating and been like that fucked me up, so just start. Yeah. It wasn't it the Dolly Llama who said everybody should meditate for an hour

unless you're really busy, and then you should meditate for two. Yes. Yeah, it helps with sleep, it helps with all the so Drew, let us know how it goes on your meditation journey. Our next question comes from a caller. We have Kennya here with us. Kennya is thirty five and she says, Dear Chelsea, I first want to start by saying, how amazing you are in your podcast is exactly what I needed. I love how honest you are, and I strive to be like that instead of just trying to people please

all the time. I'm Canadian and love how much you love my country. So here is where I need help. I was single, for a very long time until I found an amazing man who is truly just one of the best humans I've ever met, and now we're getting married. We had the finance talk very early on, but I still have a hard time not feeling embarrassed about my student loan debt. My fiance is very supportive, but I've

always been a very independent person. I've paid my own bills since I was sixteen and never ask for help financially. So I'm having a hard time, and I just feel bad to bring this burden of my student loan into our marriage. I know I'm very hard on myself. Even when I'm wedding planning, I try to do the bare minimum because I feel like I don't deserve to spend much on anything because I'm still paying my student loan. How can I stop feeling embarrassed about my debt and

learn to ask for help when I need it. I want to be excited about my future and my wedding, but the anxiety and worry about money is just so overpowering. Love Kenya, worry. I was reading that. I was reading that about worry and stress and what a waste of a time. Both of those things are right, stressing about things or overthinking things and running through this same obsessing about things. It's such a waste of energy. And when you're talking about jen like telling yourself a new story,

that's exactly what it is. You have to start creating a new narrative that is in your head and discarding the old one, which is easier said than done. But it's easier than people think. It's just so much easier than people think. Yeah, the choice, and it really is. And it's that awareness of like, Okay, I keep telling myself that I'm a big fat loser because I'm in debt. But at least once you become aware of that, you can change the thought. You know, you can really focus

on changing that mantra. It's like when something doesn't go the way that you are expecting it to go, Like even in a day, like oh, something gets canceled or the person that's picking you up can no longer pick you up, Like the reaction to that should be like Okay, great, now let me figure out another way, not like fuck. People get so stuck in their reaction to something like oh, I can't believe she's not picking me up. I can't

how am I supposed to get there. Now, it's like pretty easily if you just use your head, like you can find another way. There's always another way, And it's just so much less hard on your body and brain to stop obsessing and belaboring the same idea. So true. I mean, they say disease is disease, like it is hard on your body, like that kind of stuff. It's really unhealthy. Stress is a massive killer, you know. It's also like in this book I Love Letting Go, they're

talking about being okay with embarrassing yourself. There's a very specific chapter on dancing, and I don't dance because I'm very self conscious when I dance, and it talked about letting go, let go of your insecurity, let go be free with your body. And this weekend I went to this party and I danced for like two hours. My friends had never seen me dance like that. I was like, you know what I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna fucking go and just look like an idiot and who gives

a shit? And there were hundreds of people there, and I did look like an idiot because my friend videotaped me and showed it to me the next day but I was able to laugh at myself instead of being embarrassed, you know, I was able to go good, good for you for trying something new. You want to be free. I don't want to be the person who's at a party that doesn't dance and is you know, kind of like just embarrassed to show people that I don't really know what I'm doing, or that I'm a little tone

deaf who gives a shit. And I know that's probably surprising to hear from me, but it's true, Like that was the one thing that I'm very self conscious about. So I'm trying to dismantle that and making myself go to places and dance. That's so interesting. So what is it that you think? Like what are you thinking about why you can't do it because you just don't have

the moves? Like what I just I'm in my head, I've got this thing like you can't catch the beat, you don't know how to dance, And I'm like, yeah, you do. You can find there's a bunch of more on dancing out there, like why don't you just become one of them? Like everyone And it's obviously very freeing to do it, but there was a very specific chapter in this book about a person who was scared to do it, and I was like it resonated. It was like speaking directly to me. I felt, hi, Hi Kenya Jen,

Do you have some thoughts for Kenya? Well, yeah, I mean every it's all perception, right, So it sounds like your husband's cool with it, You've got all the support around it, and this is just something you're doing to yourself because it's so fun. Yeah. Yeah. So you know, we were talking earlier about how money is currency and currency is energy, and the energy that you put around this, you're just it's like any other nasty belief you've got

about yourself. It's all in your head, and you get to choose whether you focus on your lack of money or you get to choose to focus on the fact that you have so much support and so much love from your husband and this is one of the most exciting things that's ever going to happen to you, and that money is fluid and it comes and it goes, and of course you can get out of this debt.

And it really is just a mindset and getting that excitement in yourself, because do you believe deep down that you can make money, like somewhere down is the gut of you. Yes, Like I've always been a triple job kind of person, double job, but once I met my fiance, I kind of I realized I had to dive back on the work because I wasn't focusing as match in

our relationship because I was working so much. I had a full time job and a part time job, so literally the hours that I had free, I was working so because I had that in the back of my head and I knew he was the one I was going to marry, so I was just trying to work so hard to kind of make it less of this big debt by the time we were ready to get married. Yeah, I think a shift for you might be around not having to break your back over working so many jobs.

I don't think that's what it's going to be about for you moving forward. Maybe there's a different shift for you that's about finding a job that's better paying in your same field or a totally different job altogether, you know, because you may have skills that you can put to use in another line of work that pays a lot better. But the other thing, too, is you know your fans is going into this with full knowledge you're not hiding

anything from him. I'm sure he had debts that, whether student or otherwise, that he had to pay off with a car payment or whatever else. You know, these are things that come up in life. We have things that we have to pay for. And I don't think that that is something that means you need to cut things from your wedding. You know, give yourself your budget and

you know, do your best to stick to it. But conflating those two things, I think is not something that you need to be doing, because I think you deserve to have a beautiful wedding that feels like you and you guys have the rest of your lives to deal with this payment and get it out of the way and be able to live your lives. Yeah, I guess

where it comes to. Like I find that I always have a hard time being the okay, I need help kind of thing and not even asking for it because I know I don't need to ask her, but just knowing that he will take on this set for us to be able to like afford a house or anything. So it's just it's almost like you guys said, like I have to mentally prepare and mentally be okay that

this is what I have to deal with. I mean, my Suner loaness what got me through school and then I'm able to get a job and paid for it, which I'm grateful for. But I guess yes, mentally, I just have to does your fiance no about your dad yet or no? Oh? Yeah, yeah. We had talked about it at the beginning of our relationship before he even proposed, so he knew and he was just like, Okay, we gotta get a page so we can get a bigger house because his house too. So it just I don't know,

I feel like we're both equally. Yeah, but listen, you're in a great situation that you're not even seeing. Like you told him, he's fine with it and he wants to help you. That's incredible. That's an incredible support system. This is a great development. You got an education that unfortunately you have to pay all this money for. But you have your education and now you have your husband and he's supportive of it. Like, there isn't a bad

side to this. You just have to move forward and continue paying down your debt so that it isn't on us off your back. But it's nothing to be ashamed of. Do you know any hundreds of millions of people have college debt? I mean, come on, you're not the only one. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like you got in debt on your own because you shop too much and now you have like sixty thousand dollars and you have nothing to show for it. You have an education, So like all of this is just these are all

good things. You're moving towards your goals. And so instead of looking at it like you're some burden, look at it as now you have a new sense of freedom. Now you have help to pay down your student loans. Yeah, you know, and then one day you're going to be able to help him with something. And I would recommend

Jen's book You are a badass at making money. Two of the biggest lessons I think for me from that book were money is a thing that like, we have all of these really emotional associations with and it can fill our heads with a whole lot of trash, just like you know in your situation, Like it's not as much about the money as it is about how you're thinking about it. And the other thing is that money is a renewable resource. You know, we think like I spent all this money and we have these like bills

weighing over us. But like we talked about, maybe it's not about working two three jobs. Maybe it's about finding the thing that will actually pay you more or your future husband. But at the same time, like money is a renewable resource and it's going to keep coming to you. You're hard working, You're going to figure it out and it's not like you have this finite limited amount moving forward. Think of it that way. That's been really helpful for me.

I know, yeah, no, that's really helpful. And I also want to just chime in with this is such an opportunity. Also, he wants to help you, Like this is part of your relationship where it is about receiving and allowing him to help you. You know, you're not dumping a big burden on him, like he wants to provide for you. He loves you. So I think it also is really going to help crack you open and have an even

more intimate relationship with him. It's not to say you're not going to do everything you can to pay down the debt and just you know, put your feet up and eat bond bonds. For the rest of your marriage. But let him help you and let him feel like a man and take care of you. Know, and guilt is just a wasted, wasted, wasted emotion. Stop feeling guilty, you know what I mean? Move into action. Move into action, and you have something beautiful to look forward to, a

beautiful wedding. You're going to have one, hopefully, so make a count and stop beating yourself up about all of the other stuff. Enjoy the moment that you're in instead of worrying about past decisions. It's like your decisions were right. You had no choice. What are we going to do? Not get an education? No, you want an education, so you did what was necessary. These are all good things. Yeah, yeah,

and I also recommende. It's kind of a fun exercise you can do where you write a letter to money as if it's a person, so that you can unearth all of your weirdness around Money is the most loaded topic, like more than religion, more than sex. Like money is just got so much going on, So write it stream

of consciousness. Push yourself and just like dear Money, I love you, but I feel like a dirty whore admitting I want you around like you get into your stuff around it and see the push pull that you've got. And then once you pick like the three hottest things that are the most icky to you, that's when you flip those ones on their heads and really work on shifting your mindset. This can be such a gift for you. This can be way more about getting over this debt.

This can be about you becoming rich and really facing your money issues. So it can be a really good thing. Yeah, no, it definitely sounds when you guys talk about it. I can see that my issue has always been asking for help at something, hope, and that we are way like we're always so we are about talking about money. So yes, that's really helpful. Guys. Yeah, we are going into a partnership so you don't have to do it all yourself anymore, right, Yes, yes,

for sure. Well Kenya send us a wedding photo and we wish you the best of luck. Let us know how it goes, Okay. I will thank you so much for all your help. It was lovely talking to you all. Thank you, bye bye bye. Oh what a sweetie. This question is from Hayley. She says, Dear Chelsea, I'm a thirty four year old married mother of two working in the fast fashion industry in New York City. On paper,

I think my life looks pretty put together. I've been with my husband since we were eighteen, though he would tell you we've been together since kindergarten, which is only partly a lie. My kids are healthy and happy and smart and wonderful. We love having help from both sides of our family taking care of our kids, so my husband and I can both work and provide for our family.

I've spent the last twelve years establishing myself at a company where I started as an unpaid intern and worked my way up to an established integral part of our organization. Like I said, on paper, my life seems pretty great. However, I find myself struggling to find purpose and meeting in my day to day life. I wouldn't say I'm depressed,

but I do wake up with this lackluster feeling. More and more I no longer feel challenged at work, and while I love my kids and husband, I don't want my legacy to be just a mom or a wife. As awful as that sounds to say aloud or even write in an email, it sounds silly, but as long as I can remember. I feel as though I'm meant to do more in life. I just can't figure out

what that more is. I thought fashion was my passion, and while I do enjoy being successful at my job, I just don't know that this is where I'm supposed to be. I have so many ideas of what I could possibly do. I've always wanted to write a novel, or flip houses, or start my own event planning business, or become an interior designer. I find myself doomscrolling my social media accounts at night of all these creatives with this feeling like I can do this too, followed immediately

by but can I? And so I end up doing nothing. All my ideas seem like pipe dreams or things that will take time away from what's supposed to be my priority, my family and providing for them. I want to be great, but maybe I should be happy with success. The success and perfect life on paper I already have helped me to feel less guilty about wanting more. Haley, see Jen, do you want to take this one from the top? Sure? Thanks, Hailey. Listen, Well, first of all, you totally do know what you want

to do, so I think we can get caught. And that's sort of like I'm not sure, I'm confused, but the reality is, you know, and you're scared. But the great news is like all those things that you said are amazing, And so I think that you should just go for it and start to plot out how you could do it and start looking more deeply into it and following people who are doing it and maybe talk to some of them, take them out for coffee, and

think of it as a real thing. You know, you got one go as the you that is you on planet Earth, and we it's in our nature to keep growing. You know, plants and trees they just keep growing until they die. And that's us. We're not meant to hit a certain level and then just coast along. We're supposed to keep blossoming and expanding. And it's your birthright, that's your nature as a living creature on Earth. So you know that guilt is really I understand that you feel it,

but it doesn't honestly make sense for your nature. And also I want to say, like your kids, what a great role model you're going to be when you allow yourself to just keep blossoming and keep changing into who you're becoming. I mean, that's a really, really great role

model for your kids. Yeah. I mean my sister started her own air piercing company, and she was working for another company at one point, and then I guess something happened where they weren't going to be because she's a REGI nurse, so they were only using real nurses, and then they kind of started hiring other people and my sister was like, I don't know about this. I wanted it to be like a special you know, nurses are coming and doing your piercings. And I was like, well,

start your own company. And she's like, ah, it's just such a headache. What am I going to do? Cut to she started her own company. She is the happiest, most productive she's ever been. She has piercings every day, so she's like eight to ten. She goes to parties and pierces like ten girls at a time. She's so fulfilled. She finally got it, she got a business license. She did all the shit that she thought she didn't want

to have to deal with, and she is empowered. She is living her like best life because she has created her own source of income. It's meaningful, it's purposeful. And she loves it. She loves meeting new people, she loves going to their houses. She loves giving their little certificate of bravery for the little two year olds, like get their ears pierced. Well, their mother's like at their ears spears.

But whatever, her whole vibe has changed, so like, you're only going to increase your magneticism by following your dreams. Your family is going to appreciate you more. You're set up in a success already. You've got a great husband, you've got great kids. Like, there is no barrier for you. You have all of this opportunity and it's only this voice in your head that's telling you you can't do it. So tell that voice that you're a fucking queen. Absolutely absolutely.

And I think too, you know, I agree with John. I think like in your heart you actually know what it is. But throw stuff at the wall and see what sticks. Try a few different things, see what you actually like. This makes me think of I just started following this woman on Instagram. She's like in her seventies.

She is basically just like an internet grandma who's adorable and says wonderful, positive, beautiful things, and you know, calls her followers, my darlings, and just encourages you and it is the most lovely, wonderful thing to like wake up two in the morning. But she talks about like, for years I thought I could do this social media thing, and so many people were like, Nah, it's really tough. You can't really do it. It's tough, it's hard. You

won't give men followers da da. But so one day she just woke up and was like, I'm going to start doing this. And now she's got this massive following and this beautiful cohort of people who are just like positive and lovely and just waking up one morning and be like, what if I do What if I do this? You know? Yeah, and just take steps in the direction.

If you choose interior design, there shouldn't be a limit to what you want to do, right, So if you pick one thing to start with so that it's not overwhelming, like say you do go down the interior design route, you know, just start making steps in that direction. Start an Instagram page, Start talking to people who you might help. Start taking pictures of things that you find to be beautiful and things that you would like to replicate, you know,

and design themes and homes. There are steps you can take in each direction for all of the things that you mentioned. Just pick one and start there. And if after a few months you're like, wait, this doesn't feel right, then you know that it's not right and you move on to the next thing. But I bet you it

will be right. It's just a matter of taking that first step and then everything kind of comes together because you have to show the universe, the energy, the world that you are motivated enough to make some differences, and then everything kind of comes together knowing that your energy has shifted, because right now you're in a state of I don't know, it's a little ambivalent, it's a little

just non active. And in order to create that kind of surge and inspiration, you got to get moving and then it will all come together in that way, you know, like you got to say, Okay, this is what I want, this is the direction I'm moving in, and things will start to open for you, and doors will start to open. You'll be like, oh okay. All it takes is like a shift in intention. Agreed, totally great, Well, Lozette says,

oh I knew a Lazette in high school. Lazette, that's the only thing, isn't that a character in which you McCall it? Yes, lame is isn't Lazette all the characters Cosette, that's Collette Cozette. Oh shit, I knew it was an at such a something in between those teams, those two. But Lozette says, and I think it's cute. She was going by Les and she's like, no, Lazette is my real name. That's what I That's what I want to go by. And I was like, right, yes, she says,

Dear Chelsea, my name's Lizette. And I have a problem that may seem simple but is honestly complex. One of my deep core beliefs is that I am unlovable. Because of this, I struggle so much with being able to accept love from others. My brain is also constantly looking for evidence to prove this belief right. I've found more evidence to prove me right than wrong. Therefore I stay in this mindset. I'm twenty six and I've struggled with

mental health issues for over a decade. Now I go to therapy, I have a good support system, I take my medication, and I have a wonderful boyfriend. Despite all this, I still hate myself, and I feel as though everyone is all in on the fact that I'm unlovable, worthless, and very ugly. I tell my therapist about this, and all she says is that's not true, You're lovable. Like okay, that doesn't really help in dismantling my core beliefs. I want to be happy with myself and be a light

for others. I don't know what to do to achieve this. Because I believe this about myself. I reject the love an affection my boyfriend gives me, which isn't fair to him. I want to be loved so badly, but I believe I'm unworthy of it. I feel as though I have to keep this mindset because I want people to know I'm also in on the joke. You think I'm ugly. That's fine, because I already know I am so nice. Try.

I would appreciate any advice I can use to not only accept love from others, but also start to find the love within and feel that I'm worthy of it. Lazette, Oh, Hilazette. Hi, First of all, please, we need to talk to you. This is an emergency situation. Yeah, okay, okay, okay, You're never allowed to talk about yourself being ugly again. Okay, first of all, you're adorable, but that's not even the point.

No one is ugly. You have such a negative conversation going on with yourself, and when you're looking for negative stuff, you're going to find it. When you're looking for positive stuff, you're also going to find it. So it's a choice between looking for the negative or looking for all the things that make you lovable instead of saying you're not lovable. What are the things that make you lovable? You tell me right now. I think I'm good at my dog. Yeah,

I think I am very personable, I'm very talkative. I think things that invite people in So yeah, great, Yeah, those are great things. Those are great qualities. You're adorable. Look at you. You're laughing, you're giggly, you have a nice disposition, You're you're letting your thoughts take you to a place that you don't even need to visit. You could be living your best life on this planet right now,

but you're choosing to hear a different story. You have a boyfriend that loves you, and you need to accept that love. You have to doubly accept it now because you have an assignment from us. Okay, you have to overcorrect what you are doing. So every morning you have to get up and list ten things about yourself that make you lovable that you know to be true about yourself and why you are lovable. Every single morning, you're going to start doing that. And it can be the

same things, it can be different things, whatever. Just get in the habit of that. And every time you're thinking about a negative thought, I want you to get in the habit of flipping that thought because whatever your negative thought is, there's an opposite thought. Right. If you're fearful, there's love that if you're scared, there's confidence. You know what I mean? You choose think about whatever the opposite feeling of the word that you're feeling about yourself is.

Choose that word and think about all of the things that are that relate to you with that word. Love, courage, strength, confidence, Those are the things that you need to instill in yourself moving forward. You're a fucking badass who nobody ever told you were unlovable. You told yourself that and you can't be trusted at this point because you told yourself a lot of negative things. So we have to completely reverse engineer you well. And I think that's a really

good point, Chelsea. You know, we think that every thought that pops into our brains is the truth. But the truth is it's not, or is someone else is about us, It's not their thoughts. We all have this like little voice in our head. You're choosing to let that run you instead of choosing you running you. You know what I mean. We all have that little devil's whatever it is, you know, like a little devil on our shoulder saying you're not You're not good enough, You're not good enough,

you're not smart enough, you're not pretty enough. If you're not this enough, Yes you are, Like that is not the voice that we are listening to. And in order to like make your life the fullest and reach your potential and your purpose. You're a teacher that already says something great about you, you know what I mean. You're devoting your life to helping little people in the world, or you know, younger people in the world. I don't know what age you teach, but you're already doing so

many things like these are a value that's valuable. You are a value, and you have a purpose and the sooner you lean into it. The sooner your whole world is going to open up and these thoughts are going to start to diminish. And the good news is too our brains are plastic. They are extensively changeable. When you hear that voice, if it's like, oh my god, I'm so ugly, look at yourself on the mirror, and even if it sounds fag as, he'll just be like, oh my god, I look beautiful today. Oh my god, I

look incredible. All I so, I read Jen as our our guest Who's with us Today? And I had read her book You're a Badass around the same time that I started watching a lot of YouTube videos. Yes, this is who, this is who we have okay. I was like her names okay, a lie okay. And Trixie Mattel, who's a drag queen, also was like somebody. I was watching a lot of her, and Trixie is always like I'm an icon, I'm a legend, I look gorgeous and

so much this way that's like funny and cute. It's like it's so much more fun than the self deprecating like well, no, you know, I'm already a failure or I'm you know, I'm no, no more of that, no more of that. Jen, What do you think about what do you think about that? Yeah? I mean awesome you guys, And and and also see what you can get away with, like I love taking this level of levity and just

like getting out of your drama. I mean, like I'm still a blame such allusion and just I just want to see if I can get two guys to look at me on the street. I just want to see if I bandexs over pants and rock like make it more fun, bring some more fun back into it. And also remember, nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. We're all, I mean, we all have doubts and fears and insecurities and everybody nobody has it all going on anyway. So don't expect yourself to be at the top of your

game all of the time. And when you're not feeling at the top of your game, it's a moment in time. It's not your identity. It's just you're just having a little hiccup, and there are lessons to be learned in that hiccup. So look for the lessons when when you're feeling that way, don't buy into them. So much. And also look at yourself through the eyes of your little students. How much do they love you and who you really are? Come on now, like what is your fan couple? Right right?

So seriously, next time you go down that rabbit hole of thinking you suck, look at it through your most adoring students' eyes and think about what that person would say about what you're thinking. And I like what Catherine said too about like just start saying it out loud, like look at me, I'm beautiful, Look at me, I'm beautiful.

Look at me, I'm beautiful, even if it's a joke to yourself, Like it's good to start saying these things to yourself, you know, and not taking it so seriously because you, first of all, you are beautiful inside and out, so like, where are you getting this from? It's just so silly. So yeah, you just have to really focus on be really paying attention to your thoughts and be really paying attention to go Nope, that's not what I'm going to think today. What's the opposite of that emotion?

You know, I'm going to be confident about this. I'm not going to be insecure. I'm going to act confidently right here, and before you know it, acting confidently will make you confident. Yeah, it will become automatic. There's a kind of outdated thing that we women do too, which is like if I talk that way about myself, I'm conceited or what? Get rid of that? Like that is old fashioned, that never mattered. We are allowed to talk about ourselves as if we are valuable and beautiful and lovable.

And that's not going to come across in a way that makes you seem that way. So start telling yourself that because it will, like Chelsea said, become automatic. And now say I'm a queen three times in a row. Okay, I'm a queen. I'm a queen. I'm a queen. There, yes, there we go. You even got the nims. Now go girl. Yeah, thank you so much for calling in, Lizatte, and now you have something to listen back to next time you need to remind you. Thank you. I appreciate all three

of you so much. Chelsea, I've literally haven't found yourself eleven. So thank you. You're welcome, Honey, You're so welcome. Thank you. Bye bye, okay bye. What a total cutie. She's adorable. I know. My first conversation she was like sweating at the gym. She still looked cute. I was like, come on, now, come on, we got to fix this outfit. She's got it going on. I know. Well, let's take a quick break and we will be back to wrap up with

Jenn and Chelsea, and we're back all right. Well, Jen, this is the point in the show where I ask, do you have any advice you'd like? From Chelsea? So much God, but I whittled it down. I would love some tips on writing stand up and writing good talks, like, because you know, writing books is one thing, but speaking is different. I a whole bunch of speaking engagements coming up, and like, how do you do it? You eat an edible and have all your friends over or do you

have a team? Do you do it yourself? And then put on a talent show? Like what's what's your methodology? I mean I usually write, you know, for stand up and prey like doing. I mean sometimes I have writers helped me if I'm doing an event, but for stand up it's pretty much me. I'm not really you know, every once in a while I'll have someone come out and see if they have like any punchlines for me.

But I think when you infuse you know, humor into like real educative kind of topics like you're doing, you know, there's just good personal stories to choose from that you that are relatable, you know, like even if you don't think they're relatable. Sharing of yourself I think is always relatable, Like when you're telling a story about anything, you know, when it's personal, people feel like they're being invited into

your life and you're sharing that with them. And then there's a like level of comfort that I notice by even you know, I'm very self deprecating, and not in a hate self hating way or self immolating way. I just like, you know, I'm always talking about all the things that I can't get right or mess up, but

how they keep trying. And I find that I think when you infuse any sort of things with just personal stories, the humor kind of comes like you're going to know what's the funny punchline to that story, or if you have to exaggerate a story to make it even funnier. You know, it's citing examples of things to help people, as like teaching moments. I think anything you can draw from your personal life, you know, there's always a way

to make everything is funny after two weeks. Everything except you know, the death of someone that's not fun after two weeks, but everything else is funny. So no matter what, like you know, you can always just pull from your personal arsenal and you'll be surprised how many people kind of have the same feelings or I have the same experiences. I always find I'm always amazed when people come up and be like, oh my god, I'm just like you.

I'm like, really, I thought I was one in a million, But the reason why people do relate to me is because I am like so many other people, not that I'm one in a million, I'm one of you know, millions of us who feel this way. So yeah, relatability, I think is the key ingredient to really connecting with anybody. Cool. That's great. Oh thank you, Jen, Yeah, that was awesome. So nice to meet with you and speak with you. Thanks for contributing today and helping these people. Oh thank

you so much. I just want to say I am also child free and the stuff you are doing is just killing me. I love good for the wombs everywhere who love it. Okay, take care and don't forget everybody. My new special Revolution is now streaming on Netflix and it's badass. And then I'm doing a tour, a little Big Bitch tour. Go to Chelsea Hamler dot com for tickets. I've added some new dates. I added a date in Monticello, New York. I'm coming to Colorado to Red Rocks Amphitheater.

I'm coming to klam Miszoo, and then I'm coming to a bunch of places in Tennessee, Memphis, Knoxville, and Chattanooga. That's May nineteenth, twentieth, and twenty first, and then I'll be in Atlantic City June tenth, which is almost sold out, so get your tickets. If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be sure to include your phone number.

Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Katherine Law and be sure to check out our march at Chelsea Hamler dot com