When It's Time to Scoot

mouth a little bit? Oh my god, I think I choked on my protein bar. Sweetheart, you have to use liquids to get that down. Hold on, let me take a sip of water. Do you have a favorite advice show that you have watched? I was thinking about this recualy. I'm like, oh, now, we're just one of many that have come therapy on Showtime is Good. They put out

a COVID episode. Yeah. I like that show. So they follows real couples going to therapy with this one therapist and then she consults with her superior who's ever in charge of her caseload show. She like kind of talks to her cases with her counsel. So it's kind of

there's dynamism in it. Also, it's dynamic because there's so many different people, like you end up liking certain couples and disliking other ones, or disliking certain partners, like this one's a fucking asshole, Like she starts ship all the time. You know, you know what I used to love? I don't know. Do you remember this? Do you remember sex

with Sue? Where couples are you know, a person would call in from a relationship with very specific like sex questions or yeah it was not doctor Sue, doctor Sue. I just remember being called sex with Sue And that was the first like advice driven content I'd ever seen. And I will never forget the very first call I heard. A woman called in because her husband wanted her to poke his dick with needles. That that like turned him on.

And I was probably thirteen, and I can remember waiting for one to go to bed so I could watch Sex with Sue and finding it so fascinating, like the dynamics of sex in a relationship because you think of it being one way and you're like, oh, no, people have really fucked up relationships and where ship. I've heard, yeah, you hear weird stories to about certain people and what kind of sexual acts they're into, and you're like, what, I'm not into any funny stuff story. Yeah, the Richard

Geary what that he shoved a gerbil up his us? Yeah, that's like there's a name for it. I don't know what it is. I don't know if there's a name for sticking a jerbil up your ass? I think, so, Nick, do you know what I'm talking about? Our our producer and our producer in the booth? I know the story I'm not Can you look up what that's called? Funneling? Sounds like an overstatement or an understates someone anyone. I would just like to know, because I'm there's a term

for everything. I would also like to know the term for someone who looks cute from the side, but it's not cute face on. Well, there's also there should be a phrase for people who look worse when they smile. Have you ever seen one of those people when they smile You're like, oh, oh, stop that. How terrible is that? Because everyone I thought looked better when that great teeth, it changes the structure. Doesn't matter what kind of teeth you have, Well, it does sometimes, but I mean it

doesn't matter. Like Tammy. Remember my dog, she had sucked up teeth so when she smiled it was actually really she looked like she was from London. I loved Tammy. I just I wish that we could get some dogs in the house that act like dogs so hard on you. It's so hard on everyone. Actually, none of my friends like my dogs, and they you know, I've always had dogs that are only my dogs. But even these dogs aren't my dogs, they're my bell. They don't so I think that we just need to let a bell take

them over. I would like to get I can't rescue golden Retriever a dog that wants to be pet and wants to go on a walk, Like I would love to be able to take your dog after work for a hike. I don't want one of my own. Your network Jake, he had a dog named Tucker who was very vocal, which I didn't like, but was the sweetest fucking dog. Yeah, well, we had to remove his vocal cords for good reason. We didn't do that. I thought

I dreamt about doing that. Didn't we have to do something like that with Chunk where we did not remove his vocal cords. But we did something with his oho. We penned his larynx because he was dry heaving, poor Shunk, trying to get more air. Oh yeah, he couldn't get enough breath, so they had to pin his larynx and then they couldn't he couldn't bark after. That was a

nice little byproduct. But this is advice that I had given you because when people have I won't put this on you because I think it's a lot of people. When people have a certain amount of money, they want to do whatever they can for their pets. But it can actually have an adverse reaction because then we're doing too much. And so I said, hey, we need to cut it down with what we're trying to do for Chunk. Let's just let him live his life. And he died

like a week later, poor buddy. Luckily he wouldn't have suffered for very long. But the thought of my dog, I'm just such a bad parent is what it comes down to. You love your pets, though, and that's really all we can ask of anyone. I just wish I could care for them, Brandon, I wish I could care for them. Loving them is one thing, but not having the ability to do anything that they need is another. You know, I love them, but I can't. I don't care for them. Well, you were away for four months

with them. We have a different timeline of how long you were gone, but you were gone for a while with the dogs, and you did take care of them. Well, I had a dog walker that would come at for and I had to do the bare minimum. Yeah I did. I did take care of them. But you know I don't play with them. I don't play play fetch with them. Those dogs don't play. They don't fetch, you know, Bert, You throw it in one direction and Bert walks in

the other direction. I mean, they want nothing to do with playing fetch or any sort of games or any sort of camaraderie. But I do my favorite thing and Chunk wouldn't do this. Bert will lie in my lap like a shape shilter, Like I could pick him up off the ground. He's like fifty pounds. I pick him up and I can wrap him in whatever contortion I want, and he will lie on top of me like that

until he comes to. And so that I love because Chunk would never have let me like I could put his head under my body over it, and Bert will just let it happen like a contortionist, you know. He just lets me do whatever I want to him. And I love to findle that dog. I love meat on dogs. I love when their meat is covered with fur. And

there's all these different pockets. Especially when we cut their hair short with Burton Bernees, you could see different areas of meat that I hadn't seen before, Like under their arms. He has a little flap there that I'd like to rub when I'm going to sleep. It's like self soothing for me and for him probably. We have a new dog groomer as well. I mean this is now becoming a dog episode, but we have a new dog groomer.

And this groom or has shaped them in a way that I didn't know as possible, made you know what it did, and made me forget about every groomer I've ever had before this. They look like little puffs. He turned them into Teddy. They look like stuft animals. It's like what I would my dream haircut for both of them. And it's happening right now. Actually there. We just left the house and they're at the house. They're getting groomed. So the services on site. What a day? What a day?

What are we focusing on today's sweetheart? Well, I feel like there's some good submission to say. These are submissions that everyone has to deal with. People needing advice on knowing when to leave a friendship or a relationship or a job. Just there's this certain pocket of time that you kind of start to reflect on if you're still in the right position, and so we all go through it. Sweetheart, is that Yeah, you've had this with jobs before, you've

had it with relationships. My problem is that I have no impulse control, so like, when I think about quitting, I've already quit, like and I'm the exact opposite. Yeah, you probably overdigest at all. Right, there's nothing that gives me. I don't quit anything because I want to find a way to make it work and for better or for worse. It's one of those characteristics that I catch myself in where I'm like, I know I shouldn't be doing this anymore,

but I don't want to give in to leaving. I just think people leave things so easily, not like friendships. So you know, we've kind of talked about this. Yeah, that's like an underline under my name is a friendship ender. I'm a friendship ender. I've ended friendship. Okay, well I've had friendships ended. It works both ways. It's not just that I m them. People will end them with me because you know of something I say or do or whatever,

and I end them a lot. So and I also have weirdly very little sentimentality towards people who are no longer in my life. You have zero. That is that I don't know. This is also something that we joke about because I'm so sentimental and not in like a memento type way, but you're not sentimental at all with people or things. Like we sold my house. I came home from Whistler and into a new house where in a rental, and I haven't missed my house one single day.

I thought about it and I thought, do you missed that street? And I said, nope, I'm so glad to be done with it. So in a sense it is caused for concern that I have no sentimentality because it feels like I have that gene is missing. But in a sense, I'm always open for a new newness. Like when you were God, I asked if you missed someone, and you go no, and I'm like, but you love this person so much and like you guys have such a good time together. She goes, I know, I just

don't think about it. I'm like, what there? I would like we need to someone to assess that aspect of you. Maybe we'll have Dan call in one day. We can have him talk about it, Dan, who of course is my therapist. I don't know what it is. I don't know, but if you, if you have similar I'm sure there's a lot of other people that have the same thing, because it can't just be unique to me. So it's got to be a chip for a gene. I have

a sneaking suspicion. Then then all these submissions are going to be answered very quickly because it's going to be a leave just go ahead, Yeah, because all about I like taking a big leap of faith, and I like new adventures when everything's on the horizon, when anything's possible, and sometimes when you're stuck in something nothing's possible. Yeah, well this is our opinions are probably going to differ on these times. So the first submission comes from Farah

out of Lebanon. She's in her forties. She works in the fashion industry. She writes, Dear Chelsea, Hi Chelsea. The advice I'd like to get is how do you move past friendships that have done your wrong, friendships coming to an end, and unsupportive friends during difficult times? How do you separate the heads from the heart after turn plus? Here's a friendship again, something we all go through and

this is this is your area. Okay? Well, ten plus years of friendships means that you have been given all of the proof that you need that that person isn't a good friend to you. Right, ten years is long enough to make an assessment. So there you go. You have all of this room right, and you have all of these experiences with that person. It's like what burn A Brown says about the marble jar? Do you do

you know what she's said? Like if you you know, a friendship or any relationship is like a jar of marbles, and every act of kindness, every act of reliability, every act of compassion puts another marble in the marble jar. So if that person once screws up, it doesn't matter because there's so many marbles in the marble jar. But if they consistently screw up and they're taking marbles out at a rapid pace, then there maybe never was a

marble jar to begin with. And if something doesn't make you feel good over a period of time, then that's all the information you needed. And talking to your friend at this point, I would say after ten years is probably futile. Well, there are so there are multiple layers this, so let's start with the first one. How do you

move past friendships that have done you wrong? I think it would be based on the consistency of those wrong doings, like you know, the the scale, because people make minor mistakes all the time, and you can't just get rid. This goes for you can't get rid of friendships over annoyances, like you have conversations about what needs to change in that relationship or that dynamic, and then if both people

accept those conditions, you can move forward. You've had to have a conversation with one of your friends recently actually about that which one? Which one are you talking about? Without saying who it is? Where they're forgotten about you to be more excited about things, And you're like, but

that's not how I I suggest it. Yeah, somebody said yeah for added context, So you know, Chelsea had been very politically active um prior to the election, and because we did not have the resolve of the election and we didn't have the Senate seat, there was not a yes like we did that. Like I didn't feel celebratory. I felt and they want and yeah, and my friend really wanted to celebrate and was kind of annoyed that I didn't want to celebrate at least that's how I

was perceiving it. And I was like, I'm not there yet. I don't want to celebrate with you, you know, like I don't want to celebrate with anybody because we have to wait to see what happens with Georgia and then we can celebrate. So yes, I explained myself and she understood me totally. And she and I have an open communication though, so we can always talk about things like that because she and I have we are so different. You know, she's a planner. I'm not a planner. She

likes to make plans. I don't like to make plans. But she is also and I've said this before, she is the best friend you have, the best friend, the best friend I've ever had in my life. Would do anything for you, would do any and she's just one of these people. She would do anything for anyone within her power. And when that was going on, you had called you like, this is what's going on? Like what

do you think? And I basically like, this is one of those moments where you need to appreciate what she's bringing and that she wants you to be excited, that she wants you to feel that and it's the exact opposite of how you feel. But we love that about her. Oh and I also really hurt her feelings because I said something like hollow enthusiasm and she was really offended by that. She's like, how can you say that hollow enthusiasm? Not it's not hollow. This is so exciting that Biden won.

And so that was not correct of me because I was characterizing what she was saying in a way that was unfair, so that I had to apologize for. So this happens in friendships. So to your point, Fairer from Lebanon is that you're going to really need to take this case by case with your friends, as we all do. Unsupportive friends. There's really for me that is kind of the worst type of friend, someone who can't enjoy your successes with you or or be there when you call

upon them. Yeah, now that's no, that's no good for you. That's no good for you. And one thing to remember is when you're making decisions like this, when you get like we talked about this all the time, when you get rid of had weight in your life, so to speak, that's not the right term for this, but if you get rid of that in your life, you are opening

up yourself to more positive vibrations. Like you are saying no to this, this is no longer acceptable to you, and you want to standard level of friendship that is going to operate at this level from now on, and then that's what comes to you. I think that's important to remember that you're not saying goodbye necessarily to a person. You're saying goodbye to a version of you that is

no longer acceptable. Also right, because you want to be supported, You want to be loved, and you want to be supported, and you want your friends to have compassion uh for you and what you're going through and that space when when you do that, it opens up opportunities for different people,

different personalities, different perspectives to come in. And so we talked about this with Chelsea's friends because I'm so particular about who I hang out at her friends because some of them fucking suck or you know, they did for a while, and she did what I called thinning the hurt. And now her group of friends she has, like I don't know, ten really great girl friends that are incredible

that like, they're all very supportive of each other. They all like want to be there for one another in a very authentic way, and they have a good time together. There's no expectation like you can cancel, you can. They're always thinking about who's going to add something to the dynamic, not like you know, they want to bring a live wire and occasionally to spice things up. But those interactions are never exhausting exactly, yeah, and they never make you

feel less than you want to. When you hang out with your friends, you want to feel great about that, otherwise why would they be your friends. You want to leave there feeling confident, fun, secure, and supported. And so you have to only have people in your life that really represent that unless you know somebody in your life that you're talking about is going through a really difficult time. I mean, ten years sounds like a long time to be going through a difficult time, but it's not impossible.

And also putting a little distance between you and that friend ing that time, you can still be supportive from a distance if you need to be with that relationship. So, because it sounds like you talking about multiple people in her life or one person, well, she says friendships. And the last part of this, which I think you know is impossible to some degree, is how do you separate your head from your heart? I don't think you really can,

but you can accept the current state of things. Like, once you have a level of acceptance of where you're at, it makes things easier to process. So don't try and like not feel one of those things. It's okay to not want the friendship and simultaneously miss it. Yes, there you go, right now, let's go out on that. Please. Problem solved. Okay, we're gonna take a break, and then we're gonna be right back. In my sexy voice, her

next emission comes. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going right from one to the other, but I just really like to get into them. Our next Yeah, our next mission comes from Nova Scotia, Halifax, Nova Scotia. Ryan. He's twenty nine. He writes, Dear Brandon, Chelsea, I dated this thing, says Dear Chelsea and Brandon. I mean, it's funny how you switch that around, you know what. I feel so literally when I read these because I'm reading them through the mic and it's italic size, so I'm constant only

missing letters or words. So I'm gonna have to figure something out. But Dear Brandon and Chelsea, oh my god, he did again. Dear Chelsea and Brandon. I dated this guy a few years ago and it was amazing for a year, and then we both got a little too busy with life and it hit a standstill. Six years later, we're best friends and see each other all the time, but now we're in a gray area. He wants to

start dating someone new, and I'm a little heartbroken. How do we keep our friendship intact and still move on with other relationships when our feelings are involved? Well, this is a good question. Ryan, Hi, Ryan, Hi, guys, what are you doing? Hi? So wait, what's the situation here? It seems like a friendship materialized, right, So that's the problem. So it was great a while ago, and then we were both too busy and it kind of put a stand cill, and we just said Okay, let's let's call

this what it is. But nothing really changed, and now six years later, we're best friends. But now he wants to start dating somebody new. But are you having sex? No? I mean I can catch a chick forever. So I mean that would be the easy part if there was sex involved. But it's the friendship that the hard part, because now all the stuff that we do together he's an announcer doing with something else, which makes sense, but that's the part that sucks. So you guys dated y

segued into a friendship. Yes, Now you've been friends for six years and in that time he's not dated anyone else. No, neither neither of us have. Was that in like a tacit understanding between the two of you. I think it was more of like an unspoken like thing that neither one of us were seeing anybody else, because we would have brought it up. And now it's kind of come to the forefront where he's like, I want to start seeing this other person. But for six years, you guys

weren't fooling around and you weren't seeing other people. No, Well, but what is that? That's a friendship with no benefits, with no benefits right, feeling like it's it was. It's a weird situation because we gone along so well, we spent so much time together and the only thing that we weren't doing was fooling around. Well, to me, sounds like it's time for you. First of all, you have to be supportive of your friend trying to find you

have to do so that's one. And if you need time to adjust to that, then that's your personal you know, choice to take some space and say, okay, let me I want to be supportive of you. I just want to get it in my head. And there is it a specific person he wants to date or is it just kind of oh I see yeah, and do you know the person? Uh? No, okay, okay, Well yeah, you've had it kind of un characteristically unhealthy attachment to each other for six years based on false information, right, because

you don't know if he was hooking up. He doesn't know if you were hooking up, did you? Did you guys ever discuss that? No? No, And it's not like I said, it's not the hooking up. But it's not that part. It's the friendship that is going to change because the stuff that you know, we used to do together, like hanging out and going to the the beach and all that kind of stuff he's now gonna want to do with his significant other, which makes sense. That's what you

want to do with someone you're dating. It's that part that I think that sucks. But you still do that stuff with your friends and you bring your friend in like when you're dating someone. Part of that excitement is to be able to have them meet your friends and do things with your friends. And now you have this like other person to add to the mix. So have you guys talked to Do you have other mutual friends? Is it just you too all the time? No, we have other mutual friends that the two of us spend

time a lot of time together. Were you under the impression that you were in a relationship with your friend for the past six years? Did you believe that? No? No, I mean I did kind of always think that, you know, maybe after a while, like maybe we'll you know, rekindle things or things to come up. But okay, I just

never did, which is fine, right. I think you're putting a lot of pressure on his new relationship when there isn't really any proof yet of what's what that's going to look like right, like you're worried and you're projecting all of your worries onto his new relationship. That doesn't mean he's not going to spend time with you anymore. That doesn't mean that he's not going to want to incorporate you into his life with the guy that he's dating,

or that he's not gonna want to spend time with you. Yeah, he's not just gonna dump you for the boyfriend. You're just assuming that's what's going to happen. Have you talked to him about any of this? Have you vocal id the other one that you thought that maybe something would happen down the road. Have you talked to him about your perspective on the situation and your fears of what is impending if he does start dating someone. It's I mean,

it's kind of already started. I mean we haven't, like we don't text every day anymore, which like things are starting to change. I just don't want to ruin the friendship that we had. The only way you're going to ruin the friendship that you had is by holding on tightly to him. That is the only way you have to let people go. You have to let people do and explore and do their thing and let what's that stupid saying they say, if you love someone, let it go.

If they come back, it's yours. So that's how you know that's Christina Aguilera. Oh well that wasn't what I was thinking of. But same, same idea, same idea. If it never comes back, it was never yours to begin with. But yeah, you have to practice letting go because you can't hold onto that. Your friendship is only going to stay intact if you let people do what they're gonna do, you know, and if your feelings get hurt, show him a little grace because he clearly cares what you think.

If he's asking you about dating someone right, he was getting your input. Did that happen? No, you just could have brought it up one day like, oh I'm gonna

start seeing this person. Uh. So he knows that you kind of have your feelings about it, So I think, yeah, so yeah, you have to do whatever you need to do to take your space to get past that, and it might take you longer than you think, but I think a good practice of exercises to really just be supportive of your friend and of his new relationship and just try and be that kind of person for him, because really, at the core of all of this is a friendship, right, and you want that to stay intact

more than the sexual relationship. Just because he's dating this guy doesn't mean you won't end up together in six more years. But that's not what you should hang your hat on. The idea of you guys maybe being together at some point. You should just treat it as an adult would treat the situation theoretically, which is, you want to be supportive. You want to help him feel supported

by you. You don't want him to tiptoe around you, because then you won't be in his life if he has to be scared when he's around you or not hurt your feelings with the new guy. But you have to take the time that you need to feel okay with that relationship. Also because you don't want to sacrifice your own self worth or dignity or whatever you're wrestling with or crush at the expense of his happiness. That's

not your responsibility either. Your your responsibilities making yourself be able to deal with this right in a normal, healthy way. Also embrace this forced change. This is giving you more time to explore other things for yourself. So although it seems like, oh, the possibilities of what could have been, that's not the possibility of what is actually happening right now. So take this time. You should go date. It's been six years, Go catch that dick, Go do it right.

What are you waiting for the world is awaiting. What people do is they cling to these relationships, these friendships, these dynamics where there is like some sexual tension, but it's a friendship. Open yourself up to other possibilities, and you were going to realize, like what you thought was there or what you wanted to happen was just a circumstance, was just because that's what you had been investing your

energy into. Invest that energy into something else, and you will immediately realize like, oh, that was not as dramatic as intense as I thought that it was. It's just because that's what's in front of you right now. And here's a good saying from Eckartole or somebody. Whatever you resist persists, So you have to accept change. If you resist change, it gets worse and worse and worse and worse. So you have to move to a place of acceptance.

And figure out how you're going to get there. But I think that's great advice, is going out and catching a bunch of dicks. Why not because safely? Well safely, because you're you're making him the focal point of your attention, and you're the focal point of your attention. You're giving him too much power over your life when you're in charge of your life. So go make things happen for you in your personal life so that he's no longer

your focus point. Right, that's great advice, guys. All right, Ryan, it was great to talk to you. I love you, guys, talk to you later. By You don't change your life for man ever, and you don't let someone else control your emotions. This is I'm really big on this with other people. Are like, well this person is doing this and causing me to feel this way. No, no, no, you're allowing yourself to feel that way. You are only in control of how you respond in those situations. Yeah,

and thinking about you know, I had an experience. Are you fingering yourself? No, sweetheart, I'm just trying to butt in the bottom part of my dress because it came up open, and then I have my boobs and we should start doing this naked. We kind of get obsessive about things, right, everyone does, where you kind of obsess over a person or the way you want a situation

to play out. And when you realize, like you're not in control of other people's behavior, there's nothing you can do about other people's behavior, So like you could hope and dream all you want. Like I've definitely broken up with boyfriends in the hopes that we would get back together one day. I know that game. But that's a good like a coping mechanism for a fresh breakup, like to be like, Okay, it's okay, you know, maybe if all works out, you know, in a couple of years,

we'll get back together. It's it's just kind of bull ship that you feed yourself in order to get through it. I think, do you have any of your excess that now, since so much time is laps, that you could possibly see yourself like, oh, it would be nice like try and date them again or like see where that goes. No, no, I don't want to date any of them again. But yeah, but I think they're all an option to date again because they all come out of the woodwork. You know.

That's so true. About X is like, especially for women. I don't know how it is in the gay world, but they always come back an opportune time. Well that's because you're not supposed to be with them, so by the time they come back, you don't care. So when you're you know, you're wishing for revenge or whatever immature feeling, you're like, I can't wait till he sees me with another guy. By the time he does, you don't give a sh it anymore. No, they've aged and you dodged

that bullet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I dodged a lot of bullets. We should call it the Cuomo bullet. Cuomo bullet. I'm so glad you dodged that one. I would like to see ricochet back into your life. Ricochet is a good word for that, Andrews. And again, we're just we've been riot along Andrea or Andrea just to go with Andrea. You know I get this funked up is because your Spanish teacher's name is Andrea. Listen, I can't even speak anymore on this podcast, so I can't even correct your

grammar because mine is so out of whack. Well, we have Andrea from the UK. She's twenty two. She's a student. Oh she just popped up on screen, hind. I'm going to read your submission, so you write and dear Chelsea. I'm twenty two years old and from Ecuador studying in England and my boyfriend is from Columbia studying in Germany, so covering a lot of territory here. We've been together for three years and everything has been fine up until recently.

I've been wondering if I should be single and just enjoy being by myself, exploring opportunities and living life without relationship responsibilities. I'm gonna say yes, should I be taking advantage of my twenties without a partner. There are no plans of us living together after graduating. I've never met their family and he has never met mine. It just feels like maybe there's no actual future with him. But I don't know if I'm overthinking it. Should we just

keep going? Um? First of all, don't pre ejaculate, Okay, don't give advice how way through a letter. We have to get through the whole letter brand and we agreed on that it could have taken a turn. Okay, Hi, Andrea, is it Andrea or Andrea? And Andrea? Well, because she's Yeah, because she's a South American. So yeah, it sounds like you're ready to give this guy the boot. Yeah, I I I think so too. Do you feel badly about it or for some reason? I mean, of course, but

for him, not for me so much. Yeah. Right, it feels like if you're not growing together and you don't feel like you are, and it only takes one person to not be growing together, then it's time for you to open up your life to more possibilities, right and explore what's Yeah, so you it sounds like you've already made your decision and that you just need a stamp

of approval. So you just have to figure out how you're going to tell him, right, Yes, okay, I mean lucky for you, he's in another country, so there's there's no pressure of it being in person or what sort of response you're going to have to deal with with him being there. But I do think that this is something as soon as you make your choice, you're not doing him any services by keeping it going. So now that you know, very very confidently, like I want to

be by myself. I want to embrace my a loneness, which is a beautiful feeling, right, you should feel so like bold and that it's freedom. It's like, oh my god, the whole world is a possibility. Yeah, it does feel that way. Does feel. I'm excited for you. This is going to be a fun adventure for you. Yeah. And it's so empowering to make a decision like this to

know that it's time to excise someone. Well, in the excise sounds a little bit harsh, but to get somebody out of your life, and you know it's out of fairness to him. And I think you have an opportunity here to really handle yourself with grace and dignity, you know, and make yourself proud of yourself. So when you look back at this ten years later, you're like, I handled

that exactly the right way. You know, I didn't take advantage of him, I didn't string him along, and be respectful and honest and have integrity in the way that you say goodbye to him, and then you're setting yourself up for even more success in the future. Yeah. I actually agree. You just need to do it soon. That's that's the only thing. That's the only advice that I have. Yeah, I think soon, it's better than later. I think to bring him along for longer, it's not fair to him.

I think you just have to tell him I'm ready to be single, because there's nothing to debate about that statement if you think about it. But if you just keep your first opening statement very simple so that there's no need for clarification about what you're asking for, which is basically to break up. You're not asking, but you're basically telling him you're breaking up. And yeah, make it short and sweet and succinct, and then let him talk.

And I think that if this were me going through this breakup, I would say that you gave enough reasoning behind it without having to explain yourself. Don't over explain yourself. You should you shouldn't have to do that. You vocalize like, I'm just ready to be alone, like I've been thinking about myself and prioritizing myself, and that's all you need to say. And yeah, he may have a rebuttal or he may have a question, and you can't let his

response influence you because you've made that decision. And again, if in three weeks you're starting to rethink that, that's also okay. But you just need to say in firm and your choice to be alone yeah, I'm kind of afraid of his reaction. That's mostly it. Well, are you afraid because you're afraid that he will be mean in his response, that he'll be overly emotional? I think it's

more the emotional board. I don't know if I can handle like me being sad about it too, because I am sad, but also dealing with how to comfort him when I'm ready to also move on. Yes, but that's part of being in a relationship and part of breaking up, you know what I mean. You can't be like a cold hearted bitch and be like, Okay, sorry you're feeling bad, but good luck with everything I'm going to date. You do have a certain responsibility to somebody that you've been

with for three years. I would argue, Yeah, it's not fun, but this is what you have to go through in life. You know. That's called adult ing for a reason, Like we all have to kind of sometimes have really difficult conversations. No one wants to break up with anyone, but I think that you can present it that way as well, that now you guys need time to process this separately, but you're still there and that you know you'd like to continue a friendship and that communication is not cut off.

But it's important that, like over a certain amount of time that you reflect on this alone, that you're processing this alone. That's good, write that down. And how long it's healthy for after a breakup to not talk after talking almost every day, Well, I think that's really going to depend on your dynamic. Sadly, I don't know that we're gonna be able to give you a specific date

or time. You have to be compassionate that he's going to be going through a difficult time, but I'm sure he's going to come to the point where he's not gonna want to talk to you either for a period of time. But also I would like to say that you're not responsible for his emotions. When you break up with someone, it's like they want to take the last bit that they can from you, and so you need to be supportive of him in the break of Like, we're both going to be going through some emotions with

this again, we need to process them separately. But you can send a text like, Hey, just checking in. I'm not looking for a full conversation and just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. I hope you're doing well, Like those little things mean a lot. But again you're setting like a very specific precedent like

I'm not here to talk. I just wanted you to know, like, no need to respond to And as a friend, I'm asking, as a friend, somebody who cares about you as a friend, how you're doing checking in you know, that might be a little bit less harsh than saying I'm not looking for a full conversation. Well and say, hey, I'm checking in on you as your friend. You know I care about you, and I you know I still love you or whatever you think, feel comfortable telling him. But yes,

so you can be compassionate to a degree. I said earlier, nobody wants to break up with anybody. Nobody wants to have the conversation breaking up with anybody, Like, nobody looks forward to that. So and if you do, then you're fucked. Like if that's what that if that's what brings you joy in life, then there's a real issue totally. Yeah, No, it's true, nobody looks forward to that conversation now, but you're gonna feel really good about yourself after you have

the conversation. Maybe not in that moment, not maybe in that conversation but in the weeks that follow that, you're going to start to feel your power and you know you're doing the right thing. Your decisions already been made. We're reinforcing your decision and it's going to be good. The future is bright for you and for your future. Ex boyfriend. Yes, thank you so much. Let us know how it goes. I will thank you. Okak bye bye bye. I'm trying to think of who your last break up was. Well,

you had to break up with somebody Aspen. Remember that guy that I went to Aspen with And I thought I was so excited. I thought I was listening to Actually I've had to do that for oh really BAMF And it's always a ski trip. Sweetheart knows immediately on the ski trip if it's not going to end well, and then she has. And Aspen I met up with an Asppen. I had met him in New York a couple of times, and then we went to ask together.

I just after one night and I was like, I cannot share a hotel room with this man for three days, Like there's just no fucking way I can do that. I've never I haven't done that in years. And you were so excited, and I was so excited. I was like, this is what I why I still have an immature brain, because I believe that every time when I get excited about a guy, that it will be like this guy is different, I'm gonna like him, like, I'm gonna stick

with it. And then, of course, within I slept with him one night, he slept in my hotel room, and I was like, you've got to get him out of my room. I don't know what you're gonna do. The way you were acting leading up to this was like when you're in high school and your parents are going out town for three days, like over the weekend, and

you can finally have your boyfriend and girlfriend sleepover. That's how you were just like, oh my god, I'm gonna have three days and then my girlfriends because this is why, because A, yeah, my girlfriends were coming. So that was like even better because really, all I want to do is be with my girlfriends. But you know again, why you can become a lesbian. Yeah, but I had already had sex with him in New York, so I knew

he was a viable candidate. Because my fear is always like there's gonna be some weird sex thing that I don't like, or I'm not gonna you know, we're not gonna have chemistry in that way. So once I had a successful sex with him, I thought for sure Aspen was a no brainer. But I did not like having a man in my bedroom. I don't like the sense s e C E N T s that comes from men in the morning, not specific to him, specific to men. I don't like any funky smells. I want just I

want to smell me and Bert. So that was a mistake on my part. I put the cart before the horse a little bit again. So yeah, instead of saying, oh, hey, maybe we were only supposed to spend one night in the hotel room because he was meeting up with his friends. Yes, but you, if I remember correctly, you went in early because it was only supposed to be one night. And then you're like, no, I want to go in dextra

day before. Yeah, yeah, that was a mistake. And then and then the BAMF guy, Well that guy was a real I had to tell him that all of his stuff had gone down to the front desk and he could pick up all of his belongings there. He he had just texted me do. The funniest thing about this was I was in Spain working and I was getting the house ready and he had just sent me this a really nice text message about like, hey, I see

all you do for her. I'm really excited to see where the relationship goes with her, and you know, thanks for everything. Yes, yes he did. He must have been high. I'm sure sure it was, but it was nice. I'm like, oh, this must be going well. And you had seen him multiple times and the next thing I know, you're texting me, Hey, I need you to do something. I need you to break up with this guy for me. I can't do it, like I don't want to see him again. Just tell

him all of his stuff downstairs. So I have to reply to his text message speaking so like, you know, nicely about you, And then I'm like, hey, uh, just gotta let you know everything. I don't have contexts, but I guess your stuff is at the front desk, and so should I go up? And I go I don't think so, no, no, no, I think you should just get it, and he was Yeah, that was justified on my behalf because he had some serious mental issues and

I have some serious mental issues. So it sounds like we were We all have mental issues, as we're seeing in these submissions and as we've talked about with ourselves. The next one comes from Jen Jen Lopez. Jennifer, is it Jennifer? Oh? This must be about Ben probably is If this is all these are all your dreams coming true? Oh? No, you don't like them together? Right? No? I love them together? Okay? Yeah? Yeah? And can I just say something about a Rod please?

Can we cancel him? I mean, he is such a fucking asshole. I mean everybody he's dated he has cheated on, and he's notorious for it. And he's not fucking cute. He's not sexy or cute at all at all. And and he's tortures women. You know, why is he out there? He doesn't play baseball anymore. What's his value? Hillo? Hi, Jen? Hi? Who are you? We haven't read your submission yet, but since you're here, why don't you just give us give

us the update live in action? Yeah? Absolutely so, I guess right now, I'm dealing with this entire situation where I was laid off from my job last year due to COVID. Sorry about that. Started helping out in the family business which my parents have owned a restaurant for fifteen years and it's been operated by my mom and my dad. I started helping out, I became involved. Now I'm in a place where I'm no longer happy being there.

I'm having to deal with their constant arguments and I'm just not happy, and it's staying in told of my mental health and pretty much I'm just not happy there. So now I'm just debating on whether I'm making the right decision to leave the family business, knowing that leaving them means that, you know, they won't have that extra help that they need. And I'm kind of debating, like on what I should do. Should I leave or should I stay? And you know where, I'm not happy, and

I'm most of all them pretty much jeopardized and my happiness. Yeah, it sounds like it. It sounds like you are jeopardizing your happiness. First of all, can they find someone to replace you? They can, But I think right now they're just become so used to me being there where I've gone to job interviews and I've applied to great jobs

and I've got offerings. But as I'm getting ready for all of these exciting things in the back of my head, I'm I'm worried that they're not going to be able to do things, and I'm going to receive a phone call that, hey, this is not working. Can you come fix that? Can you do this? Can you do that? So that's my biggest word. So I don't know what

I should do. Well, it sounds like you need some serious boundaries and you need to get away from your family dynamic because the way to keep a family intact is to not jeopardize the dynamic, right, And by working with them together, you're becoming interdependent and then so you're affecting the dynamic and adlatarious way, right. You only want to enhance that dynamics. So by leaving and not working with your parents, you will enhance your dynamic with them.

It may not feel that way right away, and you probably will get a bunch of those calls saying this person isn't working, but there will be somebody who does work for them that will take over the responsibilities that you're feeling burdened with. Because right now, what I see on your face is you feel burdened, yes, And I you know, I'm thinking, I'm like, am I going to be a bad daughter. I know I shouldn't have to worry about what other people think about look at your daughter.

She's leaving you and leaving you behind, and I know I shouldn't worry about that, but I'm still part of me still cares. You know. I don't want them to think or anybody to think that I just gave up on them. No, and I don't think that they will. If you put this in the right way, you can explain to them that your relationship with them is so important to you that it's important for you to move

on work wise in order to salvage that relationship. You don't want to harm your relationship with your parents, and you feel like working for them is, you know, muddying the lines. There's really nice ways to put that. And nobody thinks you don't care about your parents. You're not responsible for your parents business, Like that's just not the way it is. And you've put in your time right, you've helped them. So this is kind of like if you look at it, like this was always a bridge

for me. This was always just kind of during COVID, during the pandemic, like we have to all get on with our lives and if we want our relationship to thrive. It's not going to be working together, right, just making sure I'm making the right decision to go back to my normal life. At the same time, I'm just not happy. Yeah, well that's more important. That's your number one issue is your happiness, right. You have to make yourself happy. And the way that to be a great daughter is also

to have your own life. You know, have a job where you're meeting new people, you're meeting new friends, you're hanging out in different environment, You're stimulated, you're learning something new, and acclimating to a new surrounding of people is going to be helpful in your relationship with your parents, and you're gonna have more to come together on if you don't work together. Also, which is a good point to possibly bring up to them. What are your parents like?

Are they going to receive this news? Well? Are they so? Really? Funny? Quick story in early two thousand's, my dad actually worked with you in chaia Venice, and I have a lot of old polaroid photos of you and my dad when they used to bar tend together in chaia Venice. Who is your dad? His name was head out of though he used to call him tattoo. So, oh my god, Tattoo was your father? Yes, so well, um, my dad would always tell me these stories about how you were.

One day you would remind him that you were going to be famous. You're gonna be famous, and you were going to get out of Chaia and you were going to be famous. And so my dad has kept this entire just box of photos. So that's my dad. And he's a very personal person. And he started his own business with my mom. What kind of business is it. It's a restaurant. So they were definitely impacted with COVID and we almost last my dad last year due to COVID, which put me in the position that I had to

take on the family business. So that itself was already a lot for me. So but my mom is really understanding, it is very supportive, but I still feel that guilt of leaving the family. Yeah, well that's your stuff that you're going to have to figure out. You're gonna feel better about that once you're in a new environment and if you come First of all, Tattoo was sucking awesome. Your dad was so much fun. We used to have so much fun working together because he and I had

such a great little chemistry. He was a bus boy at Shy of Ennis and I was like a cocktail waitress or. We were always at the bar, so that's probably why it seemed like we were. One of us was bar attending, but we would drink all the time

while we were working. And I remember running into him years later, and he just had the best energy, you know, your dad has just like I can see you in him because he had He's just funny and like, you know, a practical joker, you know, would come in and like put a piece of food in between my bill fold, Like I would love to eat these little goat cheese things that the chefs would make, but you couldn't really

order them as a server. You would have to just kind of steal him if somebody didn't eat them, these little fried goat cheese. And he would always put a little fried goat cheese in my bill fold, and he'd be like, there's a present for you in your bill So make sure you tell him that, please. I'm gonna tell him tell him to call me. I still have the same cell phone number, by the way, he has the number, but he does. He has these amazing stories

about you. Okay, well, what's the restaurant called, so we can swing by and bring it some business. Uh, It's called Lolo's All in the city of Inglewood, where located less than a mile away from the new Sofi Stadium. You've been there for fifteen years and he is there every day. Okay, nnan, we'll go there one day after our podcast recording. I want to give her my advice as an assistant and how you should handle this from

a business perspective. Okay, so do your family obviously, like the intermixing business and personal is always going to be complicated, but I think that there's something you can do to get yourself out of that position. But set your parents up. And what I would do and what her previous assistant did for me, is when that time has come, you know it, you're gonna have to pull the trigger. So

you need to find two replacements. You need to find two people who could seamlessly take over what you've been doing. It's good to have two options. Then your parents feel like they're involved in the decision making process. But this also safeguards you because then if they choose someone and they suck, you can remind them that you chose that person. I just present to do the two options. So in doing that, you're showing them like, hey, I want to set you guys up, but I also have to get

out of here. Like here or two people I really believe are going to be able to enhance, like do more than what I've been able to do, because they have more bandwidth to invest in this, like in the business. In this role, you have to remove the personal aspect for yourself and imagine this is a job that you have to leave, but you want your family, you want

this business to succeed. So before you have that like finishing conversation with them, you should already have these two people in your back pocket, like I've already done this. They're ready to meet you. We can interview them together so you feel comfortable, and then it feels like more of an inclusion, more of a hands on transference of power. Right, I mean hopefully that's the plan, and I definitely will take that advice. Yeah, I think you're struggling with the

guilt component. You feel burdened, and then that's normal. I mean your love, your parents. Of course, you know you you feel a little bit guilty, but like just because you feel guilty about something doesn't mean it doesn't have to happen, obviously, and the guilt is okay to feel, but you have to do something about it. So that's why setting them up by bringing other people in that Once you know that, hey, I've done what I can do to support you guys in this and to help

alleviate the pressure of me leaving. If it still doesn't work out, you can no longer feel guilty because you've done what you can for them. But you still have to live your life and you have to operate in a way that you are going to be happy, and really that's all they want. So there may be a temporary, you know, the battle of power or wills in that situation, but inevitably they want you to be happy. I think

so too. It's just a matter of me getting over the guilt and you know, making sure that I am making the right decision, because at the end of the day, I don't want to feel like I'm the bad daughter, because I don't think i am, and I'm very proud of what I've done. But I don't know what you probably your parents probably don't feel any of the things that you think that they feel. Anyway, you know they're not going to guilt you, and they actually want you

to leave. They're just like, can your dad tattoo? Because he would always go to plane the plane like from Fantasy Island. He's short and he's got this compact body and he oh my god, he would do it all the time for me. Any time I was having a bad shift, he got the plane to plane. I loved his body. Yeah, anyway, it's a small world. We're going to swing by there for lunch one day, so let him know we're on our way. Yes, he is very excited, is he? There are certain days so we know she

said every day? Every day? Every day okay, but definitely Saturday in a Sunday okay, oh great, we can go and then we can go rollerblade. Perfect. Perfect. I'd love to blade too. Is it in an alsa gundo? Now where did you say? Yeah? We can rollerblade to the forum and then back perfect? Irving opened it up? All right, thank you so much? Okay, Yeah, so nice to meet you, Jen, Bye bye. God. Those were the days when I used to get fired from working in restaurants. I love hearing

about all the places that you worked. We I love running into all the bus boys that I worked with, because they that's who I hung out with. Like we had the most fun because everybody else was always so stuck up, you know, Like I'd go in the back and we'd smoke weed together and we'd have fun, and you know, so many good memories from working at Roasty and Chaia Venice Chaia I was. I was actually fired from every restaurant that I've ever worked at, but Chaia.

When I got fired from that restaurant, I became one of the best customers. We should do We should start a Chelsea Handler bus tour where you just take people like you do with me when I'm in the car and you point out places like, oh, I fun this guy, like, oh this is the apartment where this or that happened. I used to an apartment that I had. You think, remember you brought up this house that I had seen that we were like that I didn't remember I had seen,

and then tried to make an offer on it. Well. I once went to a guy's house after Halloween. We were walking up. We all went to a party, me and my friends. I was in my twenties living in Santa Monica. Dress dressing up. Yeah, that's a great question. Oh yes, I did. Was one time I was dressed like an Eminem. I think I wrote about this in one of my books. And I walked into this apartment and as I was walking in, I was like, this

looks so from earlier. But every apartment in Santa Monica kind of like is like that Three's Company vine, you know, it's all the same. So I was like, this looks familiar. And then the guy went and brought like a hashish pipe out and a Hashish bar, and I went, I've been here before. And I looked at him, I go I and he's like, oh yeah. And I had slept with the guy whose house we were at and was in the same apartment while he was hooking up with one of my friends. And I was like, this is

a all time low. And I was wearing an eminem costume. I mean, that's that's the high point of it. Well that's when I left and I had to walk through the Walk of Shame basically without having sex in an Eminem costume down Montana Avenue, and that maybe this Halloween, maybe we can make it into a movie. Sweetheart, I'd love to. Okay, we're going to take a break right now. Don't worry, We'll be right back. I know you like the quick one off, so I thought I could get

your opinion on this one. We had right in that said should I leave my husband because I'm gay? Well, sounds like it sounds like that's that's the time to go. Towns like it's time to pivot? Is that? Is that it? That's it? Do we have a letter? What we do? As a matter of fact, So the writer says, Dear Chelsea, I'm thirty two years old. I've been with my husband for twelve years and married ten. We have two sweet

boys together, who are nine and four. Looking back, I remember in preschool I had a crush on a girl. I experimented with girls when I was drunk or at parties and enjoyed it, but was so conditioned that it was wrong. I kind of avoided it. Also, before I met my husband, I hooked up with a married couple for about six months. After two years together, I realized after two years together, I realized how much happier I was when he wasn't around, and planned on breaking up

with him when I got back from vacation. Well, when I got back, I missed my period and found out I was pregnant. So what do you do in the South. You get married. He is a great husband and father. He provides for us, clean's house, cares for and loves our boys so much. I'm just not in love with him or attracted him anymore, or it would break his heart and my boys if I left him. But it can't be my authentic self with him. What is the right thing to do and how should I do it? Oh,

that's just so hard. Of course you have to leave him. You're not attracted to him, you're not in love with him. You're not doing your children any favors. Every every person I know who stayed together for the sake of their children regrets it everyone because you're not doing your children any favored. For them to see their parents in an unhealthy relationship, that's what's being modeled. It doesn't matter if

you guys think you're putting on a good show. Kids know, and they have a sixth sense of this, and so they know when they're being lied to, and they know when you're not happy and you're and you're faking something that's just your energy, and that's not something that you can pretend isn't happening. You not being attracted to their father is something that they will be able to feel

you're not being in love with them, same thing. So I think it's really important a mostly for yourself to be honest, live an honest life, and for your children. But if you can't do it just because of yourself and that you deserve this kind of happiness and freedom from the marriage that you're in right now, then do it for your kids because they deserve to see their mother living her like full life and that means being

with a woman. So they're going to have to accept that, and it's a hard road, but like you only have one way to go, there's no real other choice here. You want to live an honest, full life for everybody that you love, including your husband. It's not fair to him to be there with him and to continue what was a lie. And I think maybe the way to soften the blow by telling him is not to include the stuff of you got pregnant and you married him, you know, because of that, that's just that makes that's

going to make him question everything. So when you think about how to tell people news that's going to hurt them or upset them, it's important to think about what you're going to say and how you're going to say it, and it's not necessary to say, oh, like I you know, I wasn't ever in love with you. You know you were.

You could say you were, and that you've always had these feelings towards women, but you thought if you got married, you know, things would be different, and that you loved him so much and he's such a great father and such a great husband. But now you can't deny your feelings for women, and they're becoming more prominent. It's something that you can't get away from, and you gotta go for it. This is important for you, This is important for your family. Brandon, Well, it's been a while since

I dated a woman, but I do. What was that? Like, who did you date? Oh? I dated girls growing up? I for me, it wasn't like the sexual aspect. It was always emotional for me that I just did not have as deep of an emotional connection with women as I did with men. So I do to some degree saying you didn't have as deep of an emotional connection with women as you did with men. Right, Like the sex part was fine, Like that was not the issue.

The issue was after that, there was little vested interest emotionally, so I do understand what she's going through, and I feel for anyone who was conditioned and brought up in a society where these feelings were repeatedly told to keep secret or to not give into. So now you know she's she's living in a different time where sexual fluidity

is a thing and being bisexual is more embraced. So I hope that she finds what she's looking for, and I hope that she makes the right choice because, as you said, you know, you only have one life to live, and she's doing a disservice to herself and her husband by staying in the marriage, and I think that they will both see a lot of growth when they come out of it. And yeah, to everyone listening, this is the only life we get, so make it count. Don't

live it for someone else, Just don't. That was very well said. Great. I don't want to say problem solved there because that sounds a little flippant, but hopefully the problem is going to get solved over the course of the next few months. Okay, well, I think there's been a breakup. There's been people leaving friendships, people leaving marriages. I really, really hope that this woman leaves her husband that is gay or bisexual, or however she classifies herself.

I really hope that she gets the courage. You already have the courage. Every single person who's listening has the courage to do something difficult or to do, you know, something scary. Just try not to avoid the truth, because it's not going anywhere. I just want to say Oslama lacum and Shabbat shalom. Really, actually, Brandon, what would you like to add? I just think it's important to focus on what you're able to find from a loss in these situations. Don't focus so much on what won't be there,

but think about what will come in its place. There's a lot of opportunity in making space for new friends, new relationships, new hobbies. So just try and think of it that way. Yeah, but I don't think she's looking at it like I mean, I think she knows what's going to come in its place, something great. People want their best friends. You know, the guy who obviously needed to make room for other people or other things because he was still very focused on some of that he

dated quite a while ago. I know it's really hard when you're obsessed with somebody, or you can't shake somebody out of your system. It's really hard. And I know, like and when people say, oh, well, you know, this too shall pass, I I want to take that saying and shove it up somebody's asshole, because it's not helpful when you're going through something in the moment, because it doesn't feel like it's going to pass. It doesn't feel

like the pain is going to go. But a theme of this podcast has been to remind people that everything is so temporary. Nothing stays for long, the highs, the lows, The good doesn't stay either for long, and the bad doesn't stay for long. So it's all ephemeral and it all moves. So that the one thing I always tell myself is like, even if it's bad, it's like, this

is only temporary. And I remind myself of that. And it's a good reminder because heartbreak only lasts for so long, and a lot of times it's not as bad as we perceive it to be. Right, And that's where we come in to remind you of that making a jump or making a change is really scary. But that's scary part as soon as you step into it. You've got an emotion. As soon as you take the first step, it's happening. It's happening. And then that doesn't last forever either.

That's a transition. So the quicker you get into it, the quicker you get out of it. Amen to myself. Actually amen. If you want any assistance with your partner, your best friend, really anything, you can write into Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com. Also, I am on tour. My tickets are officially on sale. We've added a couple of extra shows. We're going to be announcing dates as we go. You

can buy tickets a ticket Master for my shows. I'm at the Santa Barbara Bowl August one, so you can come see me there and tickets are available and I can't fucking wait. It's called vaccinated and horny, so make sure that you bring your vaccinations and your horny nous and and keep them to yourself. Please h