Very Small Yachts with Bobby Berk

called Easter Sunday, which comes out in August. And I had to celebrate my Buddha because I love him so much, and his whole family's in Vegas, and I thought, why don't we just turn the Grammys into a three day party. And that's what we did. Easy. We had lots of late nights, and we have dune buggy ing, we had pool parties, and we got to see I had a lot of friends come, and he had a lot of family come. And he's a happy camper and I am

Scott free, you know what I mean. I am in the opposite of the doghouse for the next I'm gonna say six months. Okay, excellent, at least until his next birthday, right, Well, that's the problem. His birthdays in June, so I'm kind of like fun, but I'm gonna be on tour. I'm gonna be in Pittsburgh performing that night. It's June two, and I believe he'll be with me, So we will be selling it, braiding his birthday, probably on stage in Pittsburgh. I will make the whole baring to him. Yeah, So

anyone coming to our Pittsburgh show, I can't wait. Pittsburgh's one of my favorite cities that gets such a shitty rap and it's such a cool city. It's kind of reminds me a little bit of Portland a little bit. Ye Oh, hi, honey, I was just talking about the birthday party that I just threw for you, and there are three days of magic and oh that's nice. Hi, how was this birthday party? How was your birthday party?

She's asking. Yeah, the only problem that we're having in our relationship right now is that his body is reaching a pinnacle and my body he I'm the Buddha now. I told him there's only room for one good body in this relationship, and then he stole that role. So I actually have to get back on track because my time up in Whistler put me over the edge. Too many Moscow mules. Cheers. Cheers, by the way, cheers cheers. So let's ensure our guest everybody knows him from a

Queer Eye and that's Emmy nominated show. Correct. So there's that. Yes, his name is Bobby Burke and he's our guest today. Oh hey girl, okay, how are you? Good morning? What a beautiful vista you have thought this. This is a much better reaction than the last time you were were on Zoom together when he said who are you? What was that game? It was like like could we be friends or something? Yeah, they were like describe that was like who are you? It was It was devastating because

the moment you said hello, who you were? I was like, oh, this is Oh you know what. Don't even take that personally. I mean half the time, I'm so stoned. I don't even know what's going on. So please don't take a personally Bobby. Oh I didn't. I didn't. I didn't at all. I have been in the game that long. Where are you? That looks so pretty? I'm at home, excuse of course you are. That's the difference between design experts and design non experts. What I I control the landscape behind me?

I guess, so, yeah, I could. I could show the landscape behind me. Look, technically I do pull this closure. The window that you're looking at is technically in front of me right now. He just pulled it down as a green screet. But if I sit in front of it, then it it washes me out. You can't see me because it's too bright behind me. But I like that scenes, So I just took a video of it, and so I get to look out the window, and you guys

get to look at the window. Oh that's awesome. Hold on one second, you guys, Okay, one second, I'm sorry, sorry, amssus just showed up at our house in the morning, and I have to let Joe know he has a massage because I never have told him. So one second, you guys, I thought you were going to say, and unfortunately I have to go get a massage. Oh yeah, are you guys cool if we do this a massage? Honey, you have a massage? I forgot about that. Nine am.

Get ready, she's gonna set up. Thank you so much. Okay, and what are they going to do it? Though? Like, right right there at direct you can director. No, No, that's not what he likes. Yeah, yeah, I'd like to direct all of his massages. Well, last night we were in a bit of a in an emergency situation because we're in Whistler, Canada, and we came up for like two and a half days for my friend's birthday. And we got here and of course I made Joe go skiing and he fell on his shoulder. And then last

night he was like, I need a massage. I need a massage. So I like reached out to everyone, and then somebody said, oh, we can't do it tonight, We'll do it in the morning. So we took that one, and then someone came back and said we could do it tonight. So we had a massage last night. And because I don't like canceling, pardon my cough. All week, I've been sick in bed going how the fund can you get COVID twice in two months? No, you have COVID. No, I just got my test back. I don't right. They

say cases very symptomatic. My husband's the same way. He's a doctor. Never got it. I had it, and I was him and I were snowboarding and Tahaa weekend and drinking out of the same cop and I just thought, you know, oh, it's cold and we're in high altitude. I've got a runny nose and uncongested sleeping in the same bed in the same car. And then it got a little worse later on. But you don't need to be slipping in, Bobby, you do not need to be sleeping in your car at this point. I just want

to let you know that, you know, it keeps me grounded. Yeah, you can get a grounding map for that keeps you grounded, because my my Model X that I sleep in does have camp mode, so that a C stays on. I like when I made my dogs in my Tesla, you know how it has dogs. What's it called? Were you like your dog staying in the car and you turned on dog mode? Yeah, dog mode, And so when you come back to the car. I mean several times somebody's been like, how are these two dogs in the car

with the windows up? I'm like, because I have dog mode. Okay, you see a huge screen that's lit up with the dog on it that says, don't worry, yeah, Beck, the owner will be back in fifteen minutes. Three hours later, Bert's on his back with his paws in the air, like, where's my mother, Bobby? Speaking of your partner, Your partner's name is Dewey, right, it is? It is? And you guys have been together a significant amount of time correct eighteen years going on nineteen. Yeah, that's so cool. I've

been with my boyfriend for eight months. I know. I love it. I love that you who ended up with each other. It's so cute, it's so funny. I was doing a live stream yesterday and one of the guests on there was Joy Choe. But I kept that sounds like one of our relatives, kept hearing Joe Coy in my head because the sound are exactly. Her first name sounds like his last name. His last name sounds like his first name. So when I introduced her, luckily it was just on the practice, I was like Joy Choi

and She's like, you know, it's it's I know. But I'm like, I'm hearing Joe Coy's head and my name when you hear it, because your guy's names, same syllables, same letters, just completely flipped. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I know his name more than yours. That's how I felt when you and I were playing that game, Bobby, I thought that it was somebody else. I was like, wait, Bobby Burke, I'm like that I got it confused with somebody else named who knows what. But I was all

over the shop. But I have to say, I get confused with our names because my middle name is Joy and his name is Koi, and then people call us Choi, so's Joy Joy. So it's very confusing. All I know is that I'm now Filipino and everyone refers to me as a Filipino woman, and I'm just going to accept it because it's a culture I never thought i'd be a part of. Do you know? I love you? And I know how to say? Ma didn't Kita in return? Oh? I didn't know that my excess Filipino? Oh really? So wait?

I want to talk to you about your relationship with Dewey and how what what? I want to talk about what it's like to be with somebody for eighteen years and like how do you guys keep that going? And what is your relationship dynamic? Like is there somebody who you know wears the pants? So to speak? Chelsea? How homophobic? If you say, I'm well, I'm a big homophobe. Everybody knows that. I know, I know, which is why I was comfortable making that joke to you, because obviously you

are not. It's funny because I would say most people think and assume that I wear the pants in the family because he's quiet and I'm the more outgoing one, and I'm the one that, to the outside world is making the decisions. But he's you know, like the N Sync record, he's pulling the strings, you know, in the background. He's the puppeteer, and he's the one making the decisions. Yeah, not completely, but I think we have a pretty good

dynamic as far as decision making. You know, there's a lot of things that are very important to me that don't make any that aren't really important, and then there's the big things that are important to him that he makes a decision to. Yeah, and what do you and like, do you guys fight? Are you healthy fighters? Like? What what's your when there's friction? How do you guys handle that? We rarely fight. Honestly, we used to. We used to

fight a lot growing pains. Would you attribute that to like the beginning of the relationship, Yeah, and I definitely remember like every time we'd have a fight. I was his first long term relationship, so every time we have a fight, he'd be like, Okay, well, I guess this is it. I'm like, wait, no, no, no, that was just a fight. We're not breaking up. Like we just piste off about where we wanted to go to dinner.

It's okay, it's okay. But yeah, we rarely fight now, Like when we fight, they will be big fights, but those happen maybe once a year at the most. It's a nice annual tradition to keep up, yes, specifically around the holiday. Yeah, Katherine and I were talking about that because I find that I don't, like, you know, a fight should be a fight. A fight is not an ending, you know, it should just be a discussion and then you know, everyone can cool it down and figure it out.

But Joe and I have been into a couple of fights where he said, okay, well I guess this is it, and I'm like, oh, come on, Joe, stop it. I know you don't mean that, and I know and you have to understand for me, you know, like my history, that is a trigger for me, Like if somebody says, okay, it's over. Then I shut down because my brother, you know, my my psychiatrist, Dan explained this to me so sagaciously.

You know that my idea I believed for so long because I you know, my brother died, was there one day and gone the next that I thought he goes That's how you think relationships end. You know, that's that's what's normal to you. So for me now, like to break that cycle and break that pattern, like it can never be a threat for an ending of the relationship. It has to be like, Okay, wow, we're both upset, let's go to our separate corners and come back. And

leaving in the middle of the fight. You know that I've had a lot of traumatic relationships and a lot of that both romantically and familiar relationships where people left and so back in the you know, when my my husband I first got together, he's the type of person where he wouldn't want to sit there and keep talking about it. He would just leave because he needed space. And that was a huge trigger for me. I'm like, I need to sit there, we need to work this out.

Don't just leave me. Yes, I do, tell me when you're coming back. Yeah, I I don't leave, but I want to go to a different room and take an edible and talk to you in the morning. Like once it gets to a crescendo, if there's yelling then, which I used to do. It's so funny because all the things that trigger me are in my own behaviors right always. But I used to scream and yell and be like, well, no, it's okay, we can work it out. And then if

someone now yells at me. Now that I've learned that it's not necessary to yell ever at anybody like I now, if I get yelled at or if there if it gets to that decibel, I I completely with I'm like, no, no, no, I'm not going to scream back and forth. I used to always be the yeller. I came from a very southern family, like like the ya ya sisterhood that was all my aunts, and so I used to be the yeller and now I'm not. And now he's kind of the yeller. I mean, nowhere near the way I used

to yell. But now hill yell and I'll just be like, why are you yelling? You don't need to raise your voice why And that pissitsim off more of course, Yeah, of course, and in time somebody says calm down, You're like, why don't I shove this orange up your asshole? He used to not one of talk things through, and he would he would be very, um my, COVID brain. I did have COVID a few months ago, and I to still like words just aren't there anymore. He was very stubborn. Yeah,

it's scary. That is scary. Scary actually just like the simplest of words, like stubborn. But he would be very stubborn, and we'd have one little fight before we're getting ready to get in a car to go on a whole weekend trip, and he'd be like, I'm not going. I'm like, you're gonna let this little fight ruin an entire weekend just because you're too stubborn to just say sorry. Yeah. But and think about it, if it were like the opposite. You're both in a fight and you're like, Okay, we're

going away for the weekend. We have an hour to not talk and like cool down, and we're both committed to spending the weekend together. After that happens, and once we knowing that you're both committed to resolving whatever the issue is, right, Like that is such a healthier way to go through go through things, you know, instead of stomping your feet and threatening to leave. He's definitely got

way better than at that. I used to always be the one that would say I'm sorry and cuttle up, whether it was my fault or not, just because I didn't want to keep fighting. But he if I didn't do that, he could hold them run through days, weeks. Sometimes he would just dig his heels in and just be pissed for days. So finally I have to be like, oh, yeah, yeah, we'll be right back. So you grew up in the South. I you came from a kind of religious background, right,

what religion? Christian? Yeah, Christian. I went to an Assembly of God's school growing up, so you know, yeah, I know, really, Catherine. Yeah, it was nondenominational, but it was like we had it was all Assembly of God. We had to sign a contract that we wouldn't smoke or drink even outside of school, or of course have sex or any of that stuff.

It was. I went to a Christian school in elementary I think it was Methodist maybe, but we didn't have teachers that would stand up and teach first through kindergarten was all in the same room, and we were all in these little cubicles that faced the wall, and we all had our own little workbooks that we had to work in. And it was a very, very very weird. But yeah, Grip super religious. And so how did you What age did you start to rebel against that religion?

I would say probably at fifteen when I came out and I realized that the people and the religion and the life that I had devoted myself to instantly turned their backs on me. And I started really kind of wrapping my head around what religion was and what I had been taught and what I believed. And I realized that I had just blindly been believing bullshit, like the stupidest bullshit, And yeah, I just started to look at

it more logically. And it still causes me a lot of pain, because a child will never get over the hurt that is inflicted by religion. That I definitely better now, I still though do. I noticed this yesterday. I physically like snarl when I drive by a church. I was on my way to set yesterday and I drove by a church and I noticed myself, go, damn, I still have a physical, visceral reaction to driving by a church. I don't blame you. I think I have that reaction.

And I've never really been religious. I mean, I grew up Jewish, but my mother was Mormon, so that was enough of a stain on my consciousness. Like I just I couldn't believe that. I was just like, mom, you're so much smarter than this. I feel like, out of all the religions, Judaism, I feel like it's it's the least healthier brimstone. Like, I mean, there's a lot of Jewish mother guilt, but I don't feel like there's as

much religious guilt. Maybe it's just because I didn't grow up Jewish, but I have surrounded by Jewish friends, and they all seem to be much more well rounded with their religious bringing Christian friends. Yes, they're not tolerant, it's not it's not as hypocritical, hypocritical, thank you, Oh look at your word. There it is there, it is, there,

we go. It's not as hypocritical unless you know extreme Judaism. Obviously, Orthodox is a different story, right, but modern Orthodox is pretty tolerant, you know, and and reformed and conservative Jews the way I grew up, was just totally everybody's cool, Like, don't worry about people who aren't Jewish, that's that's okay. You don't have to proselytize to other people to try and bring them over to your religion. And I respected that a lot, especially after seeing Mormons in action trying

to recruit other people to become Mormons. That's a huge turn off. It's it's crazy because like, for for example, Thesemblies of God, they aren't just happy with people being Christians. You have to be Assemblies of God. Baptists, We're going to Hell, Methodist, Mormons, Lutherans, Jews, everyone else was going to Hell except Assemblies of God. You had to believe exactly like them or else you're gonna bart in hell. Yeah,

that is just such bullshit. And at the end of the day I realized it's the Somebolies of God corporate just wanting to make sure that all the tides coming from all the Christians are just going to the sby got It's just it's I also don't like that word tithing. That reminds me of the word moist. You know, it just is right up there in that category tithing, Like

what it sounds illegal, should be, I know. I also liked that you didn't get a high school diploma because I was very close to that not having happen either. And the more people I talked to in this industry, the more creatives. Catherine, you graduated from high school. I did in college? Right in college? Yes, I didn't go to college, and neither to Right. No, I didn't finish high school. I didn't get my g D. No, none

of that. My cousin said to me the other day, She goes, you got your g D. Right, I don't know, Molly, I didn't get my g e D. I graduated from high school. She goes, oh, I thought you got. I thought you were like a total funk up. I go, I was a total funk up. And I ended up going to alternative school, which is like an offshoot for the slow on the uptake kids, like the kids who

were drug addicts or whatever just did. I didn't go to school because I had a boyfriend that was older and illegal, and I would hang out with him all the time. And but when I knew I had to graduate, I stopped everything I was doing and I just went to this alternative school where you could work at your own pace. And I did graduate in time, but by

the skin of my teeth. My point is that there are a lot of creatives that haven't gone to college and haven't graduated high school and hadn't needed to because that's not the kind of brain, is it left brain or right brain? I think right brain is creative, right, and left brain is a d D. So it could be who doesn't who doesn't have a d My brain is apparently opposite of everyone else's. I don't know. I forgot that obviously because I have a d D. Yeah.

What's your relationship like with your family? Now? It's good? Now? Yeah, I mean the last few years have been a bit trying, honestly, just with the lack of belief in science and not following a political partly blind lay off a cliff. So that's yeah. There's been some family members that I've just been like, you know what we're done. Yeah. Blood does not make all of this. Okay, you're out there voting for politicians who are very vocally trying to take away

my rights. Yet when I have kids, you can't wait to be an aunt. Well, you can't have it both ways. You gotta either support me at the polls and at home or not at all. Yeah, I know, I I feel the same way. I don't have a lot of different political belief systems in our family were all pretty much on the same page. But I do have one one that I have a wife of someone in my family that I find it very difficult to deal with,

especially yeah, especially right now. So I'm lucky in the sense that I haven't had to excommunicate most of my family, but I'm on my way to excommunicating one of them. I was going to ask you about drag because I had bobbed the drag queen on and he was telling me how badly he wanted to see me in drag. And I know that you used to do drag. How did that work out for you? Well? I only did it to make money, because I mean that was back in like my living in my car days and homeless days,

so I was just like anything for a dollar, lot anything. Well, yeah, let's be honest. So yeah, I Um, I had a lot of friends who were drag queens, so they started putting me in drag every weekend, and I started shake them my moneymaker and drag for some dollar bills. Oh, I didn't realize that. I thought drag you just do for fun. I didn't realize. I guess it's a yeah, obviously it's a paying gig too, But I didn't realize that you did it for money. Yeah, yeah, I did

anything for money back then. Well again, not anything. But did you have a drag name? Um? It was so bored. I took my drag mother's last name and my first girlfriend's name, because that's what you do to get your drag, and I became Jessica Grant. Oh, very dramatic. It sounds like a character that belongs on not Slanding Yes, Yes, yes, yes, yes,

or Dynasty. Now though, if I were to do it, i'd named myself Sharon Bucks, Sharon Buss, Sharon Butts, Sharon but Sharon But I was like, Sharon but Sharon Day, what are you talking about? Basketball? Basket? Wait? That sparked something to me, and I already just forgot what it was about. Sure you didn't have COVID No I didn't, I could. Who knows. You have to get tested every single day. Now I'll find out what I try to get back to the States. I'll have to take a

test tomorrow. I'm sure Okay, So you're coming up on your sixth season of your TV show. You said, coming up on your sixties. I was like, well, you are going to be coming up on your sixties two, so we should start getting prepared for that. That's just around the corner. We all need to get prepared. Peles like it. It really does feel like it. This morning, I woke up and I was like, oh God, I'm like late thirties, late thirties, and I'm like, bitch, you're fucking forty seven.

What are you talking about? Late thirties. I was sitting there thinking about, God, thirty eight, it's no big deal. And then I'm like, I'm forty seven. I'm not even in the right number. Last year, Yeah, I turned forty one this year, Oh you did? Forty is a great birthday? Well not during COVID, I guess it wasn't you know. I got rented at this island off the coast of Tanzania. It was so funny story the Elton John Aids Foundation

Oscar viewing party. I was the host because Alton was nominated, so he asked me and my cast mates to host it for him. So during the event, they have an auction to raise money, and this wealthy Dutch family always donates this island off the coast of Tanzania that they own that normally rents for forty seven thousand dollars a day. It's ridiculous, that's reason. And so the auctioneers like, oh, you know every year this goes for two dollars in action.

So at seventy I was like, oh, i'll bet, I'll participate, but it's gonna go for way there more than that, and I'll I'll stop bidding at like a hundred. I guess everyone was like, oh, we can't bid against the host and just stopped a bidding and I was like, no, no, no, no bid. Oh my god. I was like yeah. But the end of the day, it was the best vacation I've ever had, and I'm so glad I did it. That sounds like fun. How many people did you bring

with you? Fun? Nothing like renting an island right right, see your own little nineteen acre island and the Indian Ocean. It was crazy. How long did you go for? One week?

We're there for a week. That's so nice. It's hard to vacation after things like that, don't you think, yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, when you've got a whole island of staff and once you set that precedent and you're like, I can't really go for a weekend to Paul Mia this holiday and is not heading like it used to holiday you know what? Speaking of holiday, holiday, and I really wish that, now that COVID is on the decline, that these hotels and motels need to reinstall the goodies into the mini fringe.

I am so sick and tired of walking into a hotel room in the middle of the night after I perform in some city and having absolute nothing in the mini fridge. I need some options, even if I'm not going to eat anything. I like to see an array yea, or there are bringing room service back or opening up all the restaurants when they're supposed to be Yeah. Yeah, traveling now, I mean it's obviously first world problem at

the moment, but yeah, I get it. When you're traveling away from home, you at least want some food in your room. Yeah, exactly, Absolutely. I don't want to have to carry my snack pack like I'm walking around like a third grader. Although my snack packs have graduated from the days and when my parents used to I use quotes packed me lunch. Now my housekeeper packs me little snack packs, and they are much better and much more organized.

It's like I'm living out my childhood life that was so like I hated growing up because my parents were so messy and they like, you know, the house was always gross, Like we had a cleaning lady once a week and it was clean for like six hours after she left, and we had so many kids and animals, and it was just always gross. Like my friends would come over and I would always like be cleaning, you know.

And now it's like I have what I wanted as a childhood with labels and organization, and my housekeeper packs me and it's so organized, and you know, I have the right amount of underwear. I mean, it's just like I'm basically like in adult sleepaway camp, is how I feel. Now, don't forget your snacks. I know. She's like, here's your protein bar and your little antioxid pack. Okay, so we're gonna take some calls and letters from callers who need advice.

All right, are you ready for that? Let's do it. Okay, Well, before we do that, and before we actually even take a break, I do have a little bit of a follow up from a previous caller. Okay, this is also just to sort of prepare you for the kind of drama that we hear here under Chelsea. This is a follow up from our episode with Tinks and Nicole had

written in because oh Vandessic Fanganessic. Nicole had written in because her fiance had a very close work friend and they would go see a tracks together and have like day dates, and this woman was like, what's going on? So she she wrote in. She says, Hi, Katherine and Chelsea, I have an update. After being on the show, I decided to call off my engagement and break up with my fiance. Now that I'm out, I see how much he was disempowering me in the relationship. His quote close

friend slash coworker also kicked him to the curb. He's been trying to win me back and being super manipulative about it, but I told him, to quote Taylor Swift, we are never ever getting back together. Thank you so much for the great advice. I'm so grateful, Nicole. On I just said fuck on. I guess that's my new expression. But when I that is awesome. I love strength, you know,

because sometimes you give someone advice. I've done this so many times in my life and they don't take it it and you know you're being strong for them because they're not being strong or they're not in their strong moment. Because you know, all of our moments of strength, they don't always necessarily they're not in order. Sometimes we're strong and then we get weak or and you know, it's not always consistent. So when somebody can is strong enough

to take action when obvious, it's so obvious, Bobby. This relationship was like this guy was going out with his coworker like a couple of times a week and wouldn't invite his girlfriend and wouldn't stop seeing her when his girlfriend was like, hey, this relationship is making me uncomfortable, and they were engaged. Yeah yeah, And it's just like, why would you ever want to disrespect someone's feelings like that?

In I never do anything without doing like except Hollywood stuff because he refuses to go to any of that. But yeah, like I would never just be like, hey, I'm going out with my friends. I mean every once in a while maybe, but not like every week or a couple of times a week. Be like all right, babe,

stay home. I'm going out. That's not the way to make a healthy relationship with this one person, with the same person, you know, someone who was like heterosexual with a woman, and and then refusing not to when he knows that his fiancee was objecting to it. So for her to break that up, Nicole, way to go. Way to inspiring for all women everywhere and men, you know, whomever needs to leave a bad situation. Okay, great update, Catherine. I love these updates and I love her podcast. Yeah,

we're really changing people's lives. Yeah, breaking up, breaking up, future marriages and everything. Yeah, so don't call in unless you're ready to leave your spouse. Exactly, exactly. Well, we'll take a quick ad break and we'll be back with more questions. And when we say ad break, that means myself and today's guest, which is Bobby, are taking a quick shower and then we come back. Okay, ready, and we're back. We're back. Oh my god, I knew you were going to say that. I knew you're gonna say

squeaky clean. So see, we could be friends, you know ESPN. Well, our first question comes from Greg. Dear Chelsea, I've been dating my boyfriend for two years now, and he has just recently moved into our one bedroom apartment. My parents and siblings have no idea that we were dating, since I'm not currently out to them. All my friends know, as well as my one cousin, who I trust with my life. I've met my boyfriend's family and have been

to their home a few times already. He's been very supportive with my coming out process and has not pushed me to come up to my parents, although with us now being moved in together and having dated for two years, the clock is ticking. My family is extremely conservative, and being gay is not something my family exactly agrees with, as they've made comments in the past about gay people.

I was thinking of maybe writing a letter to them so I can get all my thoughts out without being interrupted, as not only would I be coming out, I would also be revealing a two year relationship that has been hidden from them all this time. I'd appreciate any advice you may have and thank you so much in advance. Best Greg, Okay, Bobby, I'll let you help this since

so I can definitely relate to all of that. When my husband and I moved in with each other, It was funny because, you know, one better apartment in New York, and his mom was coming to visit and he had not come out to her yet. I had met her because he had brought me home to his house in l A. But I was just a friend from medical school that was going to a medical convention with him that wanted to try Vietnamese food, which is why he

brought me home. I think she was more in the end disappointed that I wasn't a doctor than I was with her son. But so before she came to visit and she was bringing her best friend and her daughter, he wrote her a letter so he could get his feelings out and get everything out without interruptions, and that actually worked up really well for them. What did work out, though, was that his mom didn't tell her best friend who was bringing her daughter to try to set her up

with Dewey. And the daughter, Oh yeah, the daughter just didn't get it. I'm like, how, you're sitting in a very tastefully decorated apartment in New York that's one bedroom with two guys living in it. What don't you get about this situation? Girl? He's not into you, so I think the letter idea is a really great idea. I don't know your family dynamic, but I know that my

coming out situation wasn't great. And a lot of times parents will react very negatively in the moment because they don't have time to process it, and they react emotionally, and they say things that you'd never get over, and I know that they wish they would never have said. So I think a letter is a good idea. Wow, that's really poignant. I watched a movie yesterday, the plane called Joe Bell. I had never heard of it, but

one of my really good friends, Connie Britten, was in it. Surprisingly, it's Mark Wahlberg and Connie Britten, and it's the story of a young boy in Oregon who comes out to

his father, and his father's kind of a redneck. And it's beautiful and it is a beautiful kind of depiction of why it's so important to embrace your children when they give you news that you don't want to hear, you know, and to have some sort of understanding of how difficult it even is to come out, you know, for straight people, because they don't understand, they can't empathize because it's not their their situation, and that's not their experience, and they want to resist it and figure out a

way to fix it so that it's not true. And you can't change somebody's truth. So I think a letter what you said is absolutely right, you know, because that gives people time to digest before they can react in real time, and it's not a pussy move like not confronting the situation. I think it's actually the most effective way to get your message across because it allows people to read and reread, you know, and go ahead. And it also allows you to really think about what you're

saying and instead of you reacting emotionally as well. And you know, one of the things that the LGBTQ community needs to realize about their family and when you're coming out is we've had our whole lives to figure it out and to come to terms with it and and to accept it. And often we expect our family two instantly accept it and feel the exact same way when their their mourning the person they thought we were there at the time. A lot of process thoughts are going

to their morning. Though they're never gonna get married, they're never gonna have kids, I've never got to grandchildren, obviously they're going to realize that that's bullshit, and you are going to get married and you possibly are going to have kids. But you know, we again, we've had our whole lives to figure this out. So we need to who to give our family a beat sometimes to come around and if they don't come around instantly minded, not at all. You know, I left home at fifteen. I

didn't speak to my family for years. And now my dad will face time my husband and not even ask where I'm You know, my dad's is eighty one year old cowboy. You know, he calls him do do he lowers? Do? Do he loves? Do? Do? You know? And my and one of the things that I think will will help in this letter is talk about your relationship. You know, I think my family back in the day, you know, they didn't think of gays as being able to be

in loving, healthy, normal relationships. And so one of the things that really helped my parents come to turn with it most my relationship with my ex that was about three years and they saw me in this like a normal, loving relationship that was way healthier than any relationship my sister had ever been in. And this are to going, oh, okay, and they really liked him, and they I noticed the walls started coming down and they're like, oh yeah, this

is fine. You know. So in the bottom and the way in the back of the mind, I'm sure they still because of their religion that's ingrained in them. They still wish that I was straight, but they do now love and accept me for who I am, and they love my partner. Well, you said something interesting, you said like that they they're mourning the loss of who they thought you were. It's like they're actually just mourning your sexuality. Their mourning who they wanted you to have sex with.

Like they think about it in such fundamental terms, because that's basically what it is. Your sexual predilections is what they're mourning, not the person you are, because you are who you are, You've always been that person. You know they love you and they will continue to love you, whether they are able to express that. You can't stop loving somebody. Sad at least, so much of our identity

and society is tied to who we have sex. Like, so much of our our identity isn't twine that, Like that really should be the least of our identity, you know, I long for the day when no one has to come out anymore. You're just right you or who you are. And also I would like to say to you that the longer you put it off, the longer that you are postponing the situation that Bobby's now in with his father, where his father has come around. So like, don't postpone

your future anymore. Your parents, Yes, they're conservative, they may have a hard time with it. They may also surprise you. You know, they may also be like, Okay, we're going to deal with this, or you know, they may say I'd love you no matter what, and hopefully that will

be the situation. But even if it's not. By putting it out there sooner than later, then you're going to get to the result you want sooner than later too, because it is most likely that they will come around and they might also say, yeah, uh, and you know, we knew, and you've been allowing not sharing this with them, to be a wedge in your relationship that to you from getting closer and keeps you from enjoying the love and acceptance that you will feel even more when they

love and accept your relationship. And one other thing, by keeping this and kind of I know you're not living alive, but they will consider it to be living a lie because they didn't know the truth. You've been in this relationship for two years, You've been living with this person. That's just giving them AMMO, like against when you do tell them you lie to us for so long, Like all of that, you just want to diffuse, just like

get it out. So it's out and be open. And I promise you you're going to feel better about it. You're gonna feel better about yourself, whether or not your family is on board right away or not. You're gonna feel clear, and you're gonna feel like something has been lifted. And this is coming straight from a gay man's mouth. The emotional turmoil and the toll that it has on you hiding that like thinking about having to watching what you say and watching what you do. It is it

is a lot. And so even if they don't react great in beginning, just the weight off your shoulders that that will take, the emotional bandwidth that that will free up for you to make your relationship even better than it already is, is worth the little bit of turmoil it might cause. Yeah, okay, So so I hope you take our advice and let let us know what happens. Please, this is a this is a necessary follow up. Yes, keep us posted. Greg good advice, Bobby great advice. Yeah. Well,

our first color today is Alex. Alex is from Michigan, he says, Dear Chelsea, my name is Alex. I'm a female to male transgender man. I've been on my journey of transitioning since during late I met my now wife and we had our beautiful, smart, loving daughter, Sutton. Sutton is three on November sixteenth, and I recognize the topic of gender is coming up more and more as the days go on. We live in a small town in West Michigan, and she comes home from daycare with very

binary concepts of girls like these movies, etcetera. It's terrifying to me what she's learning at such a young age. We obviously combat at all as we're very open about our support and love for all things and people identifying out of the binary. Our best friends are nearly all gay, lesbian, or trans, and all have their own families, including kids.

I'm struggling with the conversations around how to be a dad and stay validated as that to my daughter while also being open about who I was quote born as I'm in therapy as well as working on me and how I present and fit into the world. But adding the layer of Sutton growing up and becoming more intuitive is a lot of pressure. I have a big surgery bottom surgery coming up within the next year and a half, so she'll be very impressionable during that process. How should

I prepare her? Also, if you have any ideas on how to meet since gender guys to make friends with, please tell me. Thanks. Alex, Hi, Hello, meet you, Hi. Alex Hi. Realized you were going to pop. I was like, oh, yeah, Hi, here you're here. Yeah, how are you doing? I'm doing well, awesome. How are you doing? I'm great. It's much sunny where you are in West Michigan and snowing stills so not white spray. I'm actually in Canada looking for some snow, So if you could pass it over here, I would

appreciate it. Yeah, I'll send it that way. Bobby Burke is our guest today, so he's here with you. Great to meet you, Alex, you too, Bowie, and my co host Catherine is here as well, so yeah, you're in good company. Okay, Well let's start, So You're gonna be honest with your daughter about everything, right, Absolutely, Yes, Honesty is the best policy for sure. I think it's where I'm at and with my wife is kind of having

a hard time figuring out. Don't want to make it a detriment to her growth and have my story or my p stional journey be too impactful to the relationships that she's trying to build with folks in her life. And I know that she's a toddler, right, She's got a lot of life to live. But I think that at this point it's just a little bit difficult to see how much of myself I should tell her so that when she gets into those conversations she may feel like she needs to be the hero for me. I

maybe that's not something she's wants to take on. M m, well, that's very sensitive. But yeah, I understand what you're saying. And I don't know what the right agees. I mean, I don't know what the right ages to tell a child, whether they were adopted or that daddy used to be

a woman who has transitioned three sounds young. I don't think that that's necessary in this moment, But you obviously don't want to be lying about anything, right, because that's what children hold onto is the lies that they're told. That's what hurts them the most. I was adopted and I was told at eight, which I think might have been slightly too young. Oh slightly too young, Yeah, I think especially. I mean when we were little, things were

very different. I think younger kids have their brains, have way more information in them now. They know about way more things than they used to. So I think for me at the time it was a little young. I think ten might have been a little bit better. But I definitely think three might be too young. Yeah, three is too early. But you do want them to not

have it be such a reaction, right. It wants you wanted to be part of who they are, like part of their understanding, so that you're never sitting down and being like, oh my dropping some sort of bombshell. Right. You want them to be comfortable with the notion of what your reality is, because there's no reason for her not to be. I'm assuming Sutton is a girl. Is that a current? Okay, so I think you should really talk to actually a real professional. I'm sorry we don't

have one on today. I'm doing another episode I'm going to ask my psychiatrist, Dan because he specializes in adult and childhood psychology, and I'll ask him for sure, and we'll get Katherine to send you what he thinks about that. But I definitely think, yes, you want to be as honest as possible. Children are smarter than we were when we were younger. They understand things much sooner than we did.

They have access to all sorts of information by the time they're eight, So I actually think eight is probably a little too late, but maybe it's the right age, or maybe it is too early. But I think that you know when you're telling your story. I've noticed when you have a positive outlook about what you did and what the choices that you've made, and then the way that you were born, right, because a lot of them are in choices. A lot of it's not a choice

to be transgender. It's the way you were born. And if you have a positive outlook and you have a positive outtake about it and you're not traumatized by it, and you don't pass on that trauma to her, then there's only good stuff to take away from that. Then there's only good ways to instill that idea in her. And the younger all of us learn tolerance and acceptance and that everybody's path is different. The better human beings we turn out to be, so you will only have

good stuff to spread to her. It's just a matter of when and how much. You know, you don't want to put a burden on a three year old obviously, because she doesn't understand that yet. She doesn't even understand what private parts are really yet, So not that that's the only thing we're talking about, but you know, like it starts there. I think for a lot of kids, Katherine,

what do you think? I mean? I think that there are different ways to explain things to kids as they age, and the language that you would use with her when she's eight or ten is gonna be different than if

you do start talking about it now. As far as like you said, daddy was born a woman and now as a man, and we love everyone, and you know, it's the same thing as like some people have two mummies and some people have two daddy's and that's a very different conversation if someone is, you know, fourteen or fifteen and you're having those conversations for the first time. But to me, it feels like if it's just a natural part of the conversation, like it already seems like

it is in your in your immediate community. You don't have to get too granular with it, but just having that be part of the versation, I think is great. The other thing is we may want to get some advice from Dan about how to address the surgery portion of it, because you know you will have some healing time and some recovery time, and you want to frame it in a way that you know, Daddy's not sick, but you know having this recovery. So we might want to talk to Dan about how to address that and

what language to use their. Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's definitely do that, and we will circle back with you if he has resources about like certain therapists who specialize in this, which I'm sure there are plenty and specialize in these kinds of conversations, and we'll give you

those resources as well. That would be fantastic. Bobby. My personal advice, and I'm sure you're already doing this, but this is kind of for advice for cis gender parents out there who want to be better advocates and allies for the trans community is stop letting your kids think of things in such a binary way, like these are boys toys, and these are girls toys, and like you mentioned,

these are movies. Girls like movies. Boys want all that was created by corporate America wanting to sell more toys and wanting to sell more movies. Oh well, let's make the girls toys pink and the blue toys blue, so that way they have to buy separate toys. You know, So get away from teaching your kids that, oh, no, no no, no, girls don't like baseball, girls can fucking like baseball, or girls all my cars, or boys shoot't like barbies? Sure

they can. And if sis gentered, people would start getting their kids away from these this binary way of thinking, you know, the rest of us wouldn't have to be so concerned about how are we going to tell our children, and our children gonna have to be taking up for us in school and defending us, Like I know, that's what you're probably most worried about, is sudden having to be defending you, when if it wasn't for the other parents teaching the kids, she would never have to, you know.

So my advice is, I know I personally don't have a ton of advice for you. I think Chelsea's idea of bringing in a professional that deals with this is a great idea. But my advice for the world to help one like you is stop teaching your children that certain things are for boys or certain things are for girls,

and it's just things for everyone. Yeah, it sounds like your whole lifestyle anyway involves men with men, women with women, and men and women, So your child is already exposed to the idea, So you just have to keep implementing that,

you know, and keep inculcating it into her brain. Like some little girls like to play with dolls, and some little girls like to play with trucks, and some little girls feel like little boys, and some little boys feel like little girls, and some people want, you know, like

it's it's just a constant conversation. And as long as the conversation is constant and there are no surprises, Yeah, absolutely, that's that's what we definitely try to do when we buy all the books jack Wants to be Jackie and those type of things, and and my daughter gets a Show and Tell day every Friday, and she always happens to pick those books to bring to daycare. So we're kind of, you know, infiltrating in our own little way,

but she really is choosing them. It's just we're not we're not taking it away and saying, hey, you're three, me, that's not a conversation that you should facilitate in the classroom with a bunch of three year olds. But anyway, yeah, we let her be her, and we we talk about what family structure looks like. It's kind of just, Bobby,

what you're kind of referring to. It's the adults that you worry about as far as how comfortable your kid is and being in that space and sharing their truth and their parents truth and their family's truth and whatever that is. Yeah, kids aren't born homophobic and transphobic or or racists. They're taught that by their parents. So it's the parents that need to step up and start, you know. And a lot of times it's no, I'm not saying

most parents aren't bad. It's America, I questioned that these days. But a lot of parents aren't bad. They just have this binary system ingrained in their mind and that's just you know, yeah, we're gonna buy our little girl this,

We're gonna buy a little boy that. But for all your parents out there that do want to make the world a better place, start consciously thinking about the terminology that you're using with your kids and stop, you know, labeling everything in such a binary way, and your kids will stop thinking about it so much, and Sutton won't, you know, Suttons and all the little Suttons in the future won't have to deal with things in a negative way.

So it was nice to talk to you, Alex. Yes, thank you, thank you so much, Thank you for calling in. You're so cute. Thank you talk. He was cute. He's like a bundle of love energy. Yeah, I said to him in our pre interview. I was like, you do a lot of presentations on zoom, right, and he was like, yeah, yeah, I do so zoom faces. Now we do faces. I have to exit my own screen, like I have to take the photos down because I end up just staring at myself. That's how lame I am. I just I'm

like talking to people looking straight at myself. So I have to take it all down and just to focus on the camera. I definitely used I've gotten a little bit better, and now I put mine at the very bottom and I put everyone else's Where's a top towards the camera, so I've been looking more directly at it. Yeah, that's right. There we go exactly. Well, our next color is a little bit of a left hand turn. So

our next color is Danny, she says. Dear Chelsea. I'm twenty six years old, and for the first time in my life, I feel as though I've finally found my place. I recently accepted a position as a service and support specialist for a private family in my area. This role involves a lot of travel internationally and domestically. What could be better. There's one hitch. I struggle with debilitating motion sickness. I've only been on a plane a handful of times,

and the most recent time I was violently ill. I've had this affliction my entire life, and it's only gotten worth the older I get. When this opportunity arose, however, there was no way I could say no to it. My entire life, I've said no to the things that I truly wanted to do but was too afraid to. So is time I figured I just manifest my way to Sunday skies on a calm stomach. Lately, though, all I can think about is how awful it would be to be incapacitated with nausea on my first trip with

this family. Any suggestions, Danny, Hi, Danny, Hi, Hi, Hi. How are you? I'm great? How are you? I'm good? Thanks for calling in. This is Bobby Burke. He's my special guest. H I hate to hear that. My sister is the same way. Yeah, and she just I feel so bad. It's awful. I don't live with it, but obviously grew up with somebody that did, and hers has gotten worse as she's gotten older as well, Like she's gotten to her now it's unless she's behind the wheel

of the car, we just don't go. She just doesn't go anywhere. I know, I'm getting to that point. It's horrible. And and Danny, I think you should tell them also what you told me about when you were on what happened last week when you were on the boat and

it wasn't moving. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like it's a big mental thing as well, because I was cleaning one of the boats and we were in a boat barn, so like it's on stilts and I was cleaning and it wasn't horrible, but like I definitely felt different and it was there's like a pressure change or something weird was happening, and I just felt like I could get sick. It was so weird. So it wasn't in water, but you still felt like, ye see, I always I'm not a doctor, you know, but I am.

I have always felt like it's more of a mental thing because here's the thing. When you're driving a car, you're still in the same car, it's still moving, it's but you're you're focused on something. And you know, I've always said to my sister, I'm like, this can't be a physical thing because when you're driving it doesn't happen. And she's like, well, I focused on something. I'm like, well, there you go. Have you tried hypnosis? No, but I looked it up. I looked into it. I'm just in

an area where it's not readily accessible to me. I don't know if they can properly do hypnosis over zoom or something like that. I think you need to try. You have to try, because I was going to say the exact same thing, and you need to get hypnotized. This is a very common problem that people get hypnotized for all the time. And I would offer you where do you live Michigan Okay, okay, Michigan today, But it sounds like it seems like it sounds like that you

work for family that takes you to bigger places. Maybe the next trip you go on free kind of look for a hypnotist in that area and go there. Yeah, that's definitely a possibility. I have a person in l A. If you're ever in Los Angeles, his name is Carrie Gan. Or you do have to go three times. It's once a week for three weeks. You need to find someone on zoom or in your area and try just because it is a mental thing, it's completely mental. You just

have to try to. Even pursuing it and following through with hypnosis over zoom is going to change your mental state about the motion sickness and whether it's also control or whatever it may be, whatever it comes down to, because if you take some action that is going to help you mentally be in a different place than you've been. You definitely I understand you do not want to go on a trip with his family and be the burden

to them. You know, my husband puked over the side of the boat as he was proposing to me, So you don't that's a whole another story, and that's why they've been together for eighteen years. I believe it was eighteen years. So you've tried drugs, right, dramamine or whatever over the counter anti nausea stuff. Yeah, dramamine works because it knocks me out. And right, have you tried go palamine? Patches? I ordered a bunch recent. Okay, have you tried have

you tried weed? Oh? No, normally it makes me nauseous, So unfortunately, I'm not sure they would have the right of that, but it's possible. Yeah, you should try maybe cb D only because that will calm your body down without going into your head. You know, it's not psychoactive. Cb D isn't going to make you nauseous. It's gonna be you know. That's what they give to people who are going through chemo who can't stop being nauseous. So you need to be alert and with them on the

plane ride, right, you need to be helpful and awake. Yeah, not necessarily, they're not gonna be on the plane, but the boats. For sure, planes make me sick too, but the boat is really what I'm most concerned about. Yeah, Okay, I would try some CBD and hypnosis. Okay, yeah, and I just got off being on a boat for a week. I was okay, But my one sister in law was six a dog the first day, and the one thing

that helped her a lot was the scopolamine patches. Now, if you have a full patches, like a little teeny patch that goes behind your ear, and if it gives you any sort of like blurred vision, like she and my other sister in law who tried it, both were like, I can't read it in my cell phone. Am I going? Mind? Like kind of had a panicky moment. But cut it in half and you can use just half of it, So try that. You can even apply it before you

actually get on the boat. And the crew there said they've never had anyone stay sick after like about two days on the water, So your body should naturally adjust to the waves and adjust to the motion. I would also try there are some supplements you can try, like peppermint or ginger. You can get like things to suck on that will help as well, or potentially even like some essential oils can sometimes help with the nausea. So but I like, I really like the idea of hypnosis.

And then I've also heard of cognitive behavioral therapy being good for that as well, but that's a little bit more of a longer fix. Hypnosis maybe could help quickly. And if you also google, I mean, these are a lot of things to do, but you need to do them. So you also look up meditation apps that are specific

to this, or affirmations that are specific to this. Just kind of google that and see what you come up with, because there's going to be something that's going to be like something that you can say on mantra each day leading up even starting today until you're on your trip, so you're just resetting your kind of neural pathways that you can reset your neural pathways, so there is a way out of this for you. So you just have to keep trying everything you can until you figure it out.

And yeah, I've also been on several boat trips and people who are sick and they're not sick the whole time, so it does kind of work itself out of your system. Although you know that's not ideal either, it's better than being sick the entire time. Definitely, I've tried a little bit of t M in the morning, and you know, unfortunately it's not something that I can really test out. But yeah, but just be consistent. You know, as long as you're consistent with things, then they start to show

up in your body. You just have to be consistent, even if you think it may not be having an impact. Just do it every day. Consistency is key with everything in life. That's why I consistently drink heavily, you know. I mean it works for me, so yeah, but let us know when you do figure it out what worked for you, so we can help other people figure it out as well. Yeah, of course I will. When's your first trip? As soon as I get my passport back. I'm not a huge traveler, but it should be a

couple of weeks from now. So, I mean, and how how big are the boats? Um? I thought they were going to be bigger, but there don't you hate that? I was hoping because I know that that can help. But they're they're they're small yachts, just a small yachts. It only has only the only has one helicopter pad, can you head? And some of them are speed boats

as well that are in the area. So I hate saying somebody it's it's all in your head because I know you're like, no, it's not, but I know that you can probably logically think, yeah, when I'm driving, I'm fine. So it is so those daily after nations of realizing I am I hate to say this this way, but I'm doing this to myself because I feel like this is going to happen, and I think this is gonna happen. So it happens. But you know what, when I drive,

it doesn't happen. So it makes no sense that it happens. So you know what, next time, it's not going to happen. And just keep reminding yourself, this is only happening because I am manifesting it to happen, so manifested to not happen, and realize that. You know, again, I hate saying this, I'm doing this to myself, but there are things that

we do to ourselves. You know. There are things that we dwell on, and because we dwell on it so much, we make it happen, especially when it's a physical reaction like that. You know, if we think, oh, and then I get nervous, You get nervous. Oh and then I have anxiety, you get anxiety. You know, we do these things for ourselves so, like Chelsea said, do these daily affirmations really, Like, you know what, this is just movement. I I deal with movement. The planet is literally spending

right now, and I'm fine. And you know what another idea is. I know we're throwing a lot of things at you, but talk to your doctor about a beta blocker because it's anxiety induced, and that is something that cuts off anxiety. I take for prian alol and when I go on stage a lot, so my voice doesn't get too high because sometimes when I'm like, I have a lot of energy and adrenaline, I get like I talked too fast, I get too high and it just kind of totally takes the nerves out. So this is

anxiety related. So that might be an option too, because and you can test that easily. My husband just prescribed that to me. Oh he did. Yeah, I'm supposed to do a performance this weekend, but I thought I had COVID, so I canceled it. But I was so nervous that He's like, I'm just going to prescribe to beta blockers.

And one time I did stand up and it was the most terrified thing I've ever done in my entire fucking life, and I wish I had had beta blockers because now I'm realizing, yes, my voice did feel much higher and I was speaking wickquicker, but I just you know, got really ship faced before and I thought that would help. Yeah, that always helps, until it does. That's a really good idea. But yeah, okay, so just don't give up and just think this is the beginning of the rest of my life.

I'm finding a solution for my issue, definitely yea, and good luck with the new job as well. Thank you and Chelsea. I just wanted to tell you before I sign off. I wouldn't have even considered doing this job or applying for it if it weren't for you and your stand up. And I just like finally feel like worthy enough of good things in my life, and I just have to credit you with some of that. So thank you God, Well, good for you. I'd love to hear that. Yeah, we're all worthy of good things. You

know what. I credit Chelsea for my my laugh lines. I literally used to watch your show and I could go like this when i'd watch because I'm like, you're making me regal, Chelsea. I'm sitting here for an hour in the same position laughing and you're giving me laugh lines. Literally. I used to say, I get these from Chelsea. Him, yeah, is that where we grew a beard? It is to cover all my Chelsea lines. I wish I could grow a beer. Okay, we'll keep us posted and yes, all

good things are coming your way. Okay, thank you, okay, by. I must have missed the whole fucking boating part because I was like, wait, plain and then she was like, no, it's on a boat. So wait, she's helping me. She's so she's gonna go be like a YADDI for this family, like a personal assistant. It was just like whole rich family life on jets, on boats, on everything, just vot yeah yeah, yeah, I think it's like all over the place, but it's not. It's not volunteer work, Like no, no,

it's uh yeah, I'm way out of it. I missed a whole sentence. There's something froze because I was like boats. When I started talking about boats, I was like, wait, what she's like, we're helping refugees. I was like, yeah, exactly, jet setting with rich people, you know. So yeah, she's gonna be living the dream and she'll be she'll be on below deck. Before we get I was like, next, he's an on below deck? Yes, well, well the new well, the new girl get her motion sickness under wraps well.

Our last question comes from Courtney Dear Chelsea. I went back to school in my early thirties for decorating and design, something I had developed a passion for in my late twenties and decided to pursue as a career. I'd always been great at picking out paint colors, decorating vignettes at work, renovations, space planning, basically anything that involves decorating or designing a space.

Now in my mid thirties, I currently work in a retail setting where I manage a paint and small flooring department, and I have future plans to run the kitchen and bath design center once we expand. My issue is this, I have a handful of friends who like to use my design services for free, rather than actually hiring me to come pick their paint colors and design their space. They'll send me texts with photos asking what color do you think I should paint this room? Or I want

to redo this bathroom? What should I do? Or my mom wants to In a feature wall in her living room. Here's some picks of the space. What do you think. While I don't mind giving out the odd piece of advice, I tend to feel taken advantage of and like my choice of career doesn't mean much to them, like as a hobby rather than an actual job. And Bobby is

nodding ferociously. How do I approach this subject without sounding like a bit I understand that maybe they're trying to save money, But if I'm going to do this for you, shouldn't I be entitled to something, whether during my workouts or in my spare time. It is my design advice that I went to school for. Is it not worth something? Courtney? I can relate, Courtney. I mean even to this day, I literally get let's say, hundreds of d m s a day from people wanting free design advice, and I'm

rereading my kitchen what color? And I'm just like, I honestly see them, and I just don't respond because I'm like, are you for real? Do you think that all I have to do is sit around and get free design advice? Come book, go to expert dot com and book a session with me. But I can completely relate to Courtney, because my friends will do it too. And this was back when I was a designer or I on a

furniture store. And and you know, you wouldn't go to your plumber friend and asked them to do plumbing stuff for you, or your doctorate friend and asked them to you know, you would be like, oh, they're a trained professional. This is their job in their livelihood. Well it's yours to Courtney, So you know, I would I would advise, you know, putting your foot down a little bit and be like, hey, this actually sounds like a really fun project.

I'd love to help your mom out. You know, here's my hourly rate, you know, or hey, since you're my friend, I'll do it for half or whatever. But just to let them know that you went to school for this, you have student loans for this. You weren't pro I mean, I'm being prosumptious, but you are probably as you're helping them still paying this off, so they can't expect you

to do this for free. You know, I definitely wouldn't advise trying to charge them what you would normally charge, but just giving them a price make some step back and be like, oh, you know what you're right, this is your job, and I'm asking you to do your job for free and constantly. Yeah, so put your foot down,

stand your ground, don't be a bit about it. It's not being a bit right to to to make your let your friends know that you have value in that you're of worth and and remind them that you know, you spent a lot of money to get the degree and then know how that you have and that's why they're coming to you. Otherwise they could do it themselves, right. I like the idea of sort of being a little

bit presumptuous back, which is not bitchy at all. It's like, oh my gosh, I would love to Like they're presuming that you will do it for free, and you're like, great, I would love to help. Here is my friends and family rate. It's normally this like let me know when she's ready to sit down for a meeting. Because the way that does is it makes them think that you

just a sue. Of course they were hiring you, and then they wouldn't be like, oh no, bit, you need to do this for free, and they'd be like oh yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah okay, So either they are going to pay you or they're going to stop bothering you and expecting it for free, but it's just it makes them kind of feel like the asshole for expecting

that you would have done it for free. Yeah. Yeah, And or you could send out an email and mask to all your people and just go, hey, this is a really friendly reminder that I, you know, this is my job and this is my career choice. And I've had so many of friends and family lean on me and ask me for a design help, but I just want to make it very clear this is what I

do for a living. So moving forward, if you're going to come to me for any I can, we can work out a deal maybe, or you know, whatever you're comfortable parameter wise, but just letting everybody know. Like I had a doctor who did this recently because one of my we have this anti aging doctor and one of my friends emails her non stop about this drug and that drug and the research that they do and then compares it to the doctor and dada da da, and she sent out an email to everyone saying I am

no longer taking unsolicited emails like it is. I'm charging per email. So our one friend ruined it for all of us because he wouldn't leave her alone. You know, he just kept asking and asking and persisting. And when I saw the doctor in person, I go, I guess so, and so you know, ruined this for all. Yeah, I mean she's like, does he think I'm up all night there to answer his questions? So you can actually almost lay blame. It will be perceived as as it's coming

from one person when it's really about everybody. I had a best friend that her constantly asking for design advice and expecting it for free ruined our relationship. Oh well there, you got absolutely ruined our relationship. And we were friends for a very long time and she had and we're good now. So if she's listening and she knows I'm talking about her, you know, I love you now and you know at but yeah, that was just starting a business and the very first location. I was so ready

to help her get her business going. I of course did it all for free. But then at a certain point she was at like half a dozen locations and you know, rolling in seven figures and doing well, but still just reaching out to me for all this free design advice. And I started to get you know, have a lot of animosity towards her being like, whoa you know this? I went to school. I didn't go to school for this one, am I talking about? I self

taught myself all this stuff. You know, this is my business and here here you are reaping the benefits and having a successful business because on one part I helped you get this off the ground. But now you're still expecting all this for free. But Bobby, the exposure, oh situation where that? Yeah, I'm like, that's not the kind of exposure I want. Honey. Yeah, you know what, Courtney,

let us know how it goes. Next time, you put your foot down, cheerfully with a friend, and we'll take a quick break and we'll be back to wrap up with Bobby. And no, this time it's a bubble bath. I just want to make sure you leave here as clean as possible impossible, and we're back. Oh god, the bubbles barely got going, I know. But it was romantic with the champagne and everything in the strawberries that I lost in my bikini bottom. I don't know why I

was wearing it a bikini. Yeah, my pikachi, they're inside my Pikachu. That's actually not a bad idea to freshen up rows up on the podcast. Okay, so Bobby, you have been an absolute pleasure. Do you have any advice that you want to ask me? This is our closing segment that Catherine came up with that I love. The funny thing is there was some advice I wanted from you, but I had Paul text you one day asking about it.

I don't know if you know, maybe I don't know if he asked if it was from me, but advice. It was some advice on a certain drug that you had talked about. I forget what it's ayahuasca. I don't think it was ayawaska. I feel like it was something else five d m e ot like frogs. Then um, it was that. And I had read in an article that you mentioned it, and I was like, Paul, I asked Chelsea about this, like this sounds great. I want to Oh, yeah, well I was. That is not one

of my favorite drugs I had. I know, I basically ripped my clothes off in a pool of sweat when I took that drug and woke up nude. I had my top off and I think I was it was so brutal. But you know what, I didn't really prepare for it, so I can't really speak to it, although I just want. I mean, I talked about it in my last stand up special, so it's not a secret.

But I just had the most I have a very good relationship with drugs and I have a very solid track record with not having them take over my brain, and that one was not I was. I lost complete control and it was dark and it was just very dark. It was very olmous. So yeah, I wouldn't really recommend that to anything. Okay, I will stay away from that. Then okay, something new problem solved. Bobby, thank you so much for being our guest today. You gave great advice.

I appreciate that. Thanks for having me. This has been great. Thank you. Just goodbye, goodbye, Bobby. I hope you see when when my house is ready, I want you and Paul to come over and we'll well, we'll do five d N sounds great, It's okay, sounds good. That'll be fun. Thanks. So, if you'd like to ask Chelsea a question, just send an email to Dear Chelsea Project at gmail dot com.